Tag Archives: satisfaction

422. What is Happiness to me?

Is happiness only a state of mind? Is it something that lasts for a few moments only? Is it only embedded in the image of someone smiling, people jumping with their hands up in the air? is it the image of a peaceful and pristine paradise? is it a work in progress?

 

We had a two day workshop on Redefining Happiness, and what came up was an interesting and self-supportive array of points to consider within ourselves, to re-look at what one had previously defined as ‘happiness’ and so then walking those points within self-honesty,  collecting considerations and looking at practical aspects that are required within the creative and living process of happiness in a self-honest and self supportive manner. So here’s my self-investigation that culminates with the integration of realizations that came through during our group chat on this topic.

 

 

Happiness

 

Not long ago I would have defined happiness as something that is just ‘bollocks,’ an easy way to sell products, a blatant way to sugar coat self interest or else, but as with all words in our reality, due to the resistance that I had to even look at it, I decided it was rather best to start redefining words and walking a collective process to align our definitions to a common sensical outcome and creation. So, I’ll start here by disclosing my past-relationship with the word happiness.

What I had defined as happiness had to do with what I had learned I should ‘aim to live’ in my life, that ultimate goal that would make me absolutely blissful, content and fulfilled with myself. I definitely had trouble at times pondering what this could be because I could feel ‘happy’ for example before and while I would go to a music concert from my favorite bands when I was a teenager; as a pre-teen I could feel ‘happy’ after having binged in rollercoaster rides, and maybe happy as the experience I had when I first flew in an airplane when I was some 6 years old, also skating, jumping in an elastic bed or swimming were part of my happiness during childhood. Later on I started defining happiness according to being with certain people and in certain relationships, which has also to do with the ‘grown-up’ idea of ‘being happy when having relationships’ for example as a common goal in life.

Also, my idea of happiness was linked to ‘who I wanted to be’ as an artist for example, or a writer at times. I would picture myself being alone and living in some big city and being famous/recognized, earning good money and so being able to travel around the world and having the kind of ‘bohemian’ type of life where I would not have to worry about money and I would only have to pursue my personal satisfaction of fame and glory, lol. I thought that happiness was precisely getting to travel the world, showing my art in such places and having nice dinners with famous people or something, to be ‘in that circle’ of intellectuals and artists and so forth. Fascinatingly enough – and glad about it as well – I got to have a bit of a taste of this last early on as I was ‘sharpening my knife’ to be part of the art world and got to travel to another country and exhibit my photographs and hang around people that everyone would recognize on the streets. So I ‘luckily’ got to see what kind of agenda/day to day living they have, what is it like to be a genuine public figure, what happens to your ‘private life’ and family etc. It was very interesting that my whole expectation of happiness slowly but surely fell down the drain, because I could not feel happy about doing what I thought was going to make me happy, and so with that came what I call a ‘breakdown’ wherein I felt very lost/sad/depressed for a couple of months after having done that trip/exhibit, because I did not know if I wanted to ‘be an artist’ anymore or if that was genuinely ‘my idea of happiness’ any longer.

 

Right away after that, I started seeking other ‘spiritual’ ways to fulfill this longing for an apparent ‘happiness’ without getting anywhere really, mostly aiming at ‘helping others’ without having the least intention to first focus on supporting me. I kind of knew in the back of my head that it wasn’t ‘it’ and that it wasn’t going to work for real either. So, after this one trip I had, which was almost/exactly 7 years ago, I spent months really looking at whether these ideas I had built around happiness were in fact MY idea of happiness, and it was only 3 months after that when I discovered Desteni and so my perception of everything I had ever desired, wanted or deemed myself to ‘be’ changed almost completely. This is where I started to ponder my previous ideas around happiness as ‘the goal in life’ and got to understand happiness mostly as an energetic experience that one gets as the result of some input, like for example when taking drugs and getting ‘high’ and ‘feeling good’ and associating that with happiness – that type of experience, which is all a mind job of course.

I saw that my idea of happiness had to go through a process of purification if I can call it that, I realize that I had only aimed at benefitting me in pursuing MY dreams and in that, I was in fact forgetting and not considering everything and everyone in that equation.  Once that I had a bit of the taste of the ‘personal happiness’ or what I had defined as such, I realized that it actually made me feel emptier and more depressed than ever, because I saw it as meaningless = not doing something that I was yearning to do as in creating a ‘greater change’ or ‘saving the world’ out there.

So, it has only been through walking this process of self-support and self change and having the ability to self-forgive all past ideas, perspectives, illusions and desires for energetic experiences that I have been able to now trust myself in the ability to redefine the word ‘happiness’ so that it doesn’t become this fleeting and flimsy experience in my mind and body, something that ‘comes and goes’ but becomes an actual living word not only for ‘me’ but for everyone as well.

 

‘All I want in life is to be happy’ is a common goal in our lives, but this also means that we have been defining happiness with as many different meanings as there are minds in this world, some common aspects are linked like money, good relationships, good sex life, being the best at something, having good health and such, but do we ponder then why have these become desires instead of ways in which one actually lives the construction of such happiness? Why have we made of happiness an ideal, an ever elusive ‘goal’ in itself instead of practically assessing: what do I require to do to build a general stability in my life, a personal and collective wellbeing, a point of financial stability, what can I do to develop supportive relationships? How can I nurture myself in a way that is beneficial for my body? How can I stop worrying about this/that situation in my life? How can I change the world system so that it benefits all instead of preventing ourselves to live our fullest potential? How can I develop my expression and support myself and others with it?

 

See, happiness usually comes with a desire to ‘have no worries’ or be completely devoid of responsibility, without realizing that if one simply places oneself swimming forever in a beach at the Caribbean and do nothing about oneself or ‘the world,’ man, one could end as the richest yet most disgraceful person in the world – why? Because happiness is definitely something that entails us LIVING in a full manner in this world – and within this, what does it mean to live fully? To be a point, a person that lives and creates one’s personal well-being while at the same time contributing to the collective well being.

The problem that we have at the moment is that our general ideas of happiness have become very varied, very personal, even linked with products to buy or so – how can that be? This is why here we propose looking at happiness as the ways in which we can practically empower ourselves and each other to fully live in this world.

Within the documentary called Happy, many definitions and ways to live happiness are shared, and it’s interesting to see of course, to have a look at how personalized this idea of happiness has become whereas in other cultures/parts of the world, the idea of happiness is embedded within a collective wellbeing. There they define 2 aspects of happiness the intrinsic and extrinsic aspects, which I will share here now as parts that I have come to realize within walking this process.

 

We got the intrinsic aspects which have to do with

– Personal growth: which is precisely what I have seen is and has been absolutely life changing from 7 years ago, to walk this process of self-support, to develop self-honesty, to develop common sense which is the consideration of what’s best for all; to realize that I can change myself, that I have the tools, that I can trust myself in being able to walk through any point in my life to get to a point of stability within and without. This is definitely essential as an overall self-process that I can attest here is a genuine source of wellbeing, because one is also no longer defined by emotions or feelings to define myself, so I rather focus on supporting me, my mind, my body to live in a general stability.

– Close Relationships and the feeling of living in community: developing relationships with people even if they are not in your immediate environment, but relationships where self-support is the starting point is within my life and experience one of the most gratifying things, to be able to support me and support others, and work with people that are equally walking a process of taking responsibility for themselves, living day by day within the commitment of supporting and changing themselves to within that, also change the world is one of the most satisfying things as well. It would have been very tough to do this process of personal support alone, maybe impossible – so I definitely recognize the power of walking with a group of people – physically or non-physically around – to support oneself in this process of self-change and self-support. These relationships go beyond a ‘friendship’ or a feeling, they are genuine bonds of co-creation that will surely be long lasting.

 

The Extrinsic goals:

– Money is something that is definitely needed to create a financial stability for oneself. It is definitely something to question if a poor person claims to be absolutely happy, how can that be if happiness is about living up to our utmost potential? That means then requiring at this moment in this world money to be able to obtain the necessary resources on this. So, this is a genuine point that one does require to be ‘happy’ at this stage, to have a dignified living – which is definitely different from only desiring money as an ultimate goal – nope, money is a means to create such support and to nurture/sustain ourselves properly, but ultimately, greed is of course also a point to debunk within self-honesty, because no amount of money can create ‘wealth’ in itself if we weren’t living in our awareness of the interdependence we hold to each other individual and part of this reality.

 

– They claim that Image, personality and status or popularity is something that also gives happiness. I question this as a sense of ‘ego’ creation, though in a redefined manner, this can comes by default when one works on oneself and one starts focusing one’s life to support oneself and so be an active agent of change in the world. One’s words, thoughts, deeds start speaking for themselves and so this ‘recognition’ is not then a popularity game of sorts one participates in, I’d rather place it as the ability and potential we all have to stand as an example of what is possible to live and become when establishing living principles of what’s best for all in our lives.  This is then a point where one can simply recognize and acknowledge one’s living day to day actions and see the benefit of them for what they create as a consequence, and develop a sense of honor to oneself and all life around us which is definitely what I can also link to a sense of happiness, of fulfillment, of genuine stability and way to prosperity.

 

There was also a point wherein I simply denied all happiness to exist, and yes just as love defined as a slight or overwhelming churning of energies within ourselves, as an energy experience it is definitely not something that I could ‘forever experience,’ because it’s only momentary which indicates: it’s a mind job. Thus happiness had to become a word that I can mostly live through the consideration of how can I build, create this point of self-support, self-stability in my life and reality, how can I cooperate and co-work with others in order to create a change in this world. So, what’s interesting here is that me desiring to ‘change the world’ would have been also a point I would link to happiness, but little did I know that if I had only sought to ‘change the word out there’ I would have missed first my personal point of self-responsibility: changing myself, first supporting myself.

So I do say here that happiness as a word to live by does imply first self-responsibility: taking care of ourselves, ensuring one has sufficient money to live in dignity, where one has the ability and continues to improve one’s life, to challenge ourselves further, to develop ourselves to our utmost potential, to live by the law of placing the extra effort to get things done in a way wherein I can genuinely say ‘this is my creation, this is my expression and I am satisfied with it.’ Within this of course comes the consideration of how within me living by these principles, what I do in the ‘outside world’ will thus be the constant and continuous expression of what I live within and as me – this is thus how I have defined my ability to live happiness within giving myself, my life, my day to day a purpose which is to make of this world a place wherein we call all live actually happily, so that happiness stops being a ‘desire’ in our minds, but instead becomes a genuine and feasible practical method, a way and series of actions and steps that involve each one’s participation to co-create such happiness in reality.

This is how I see that in order to create and live happiness = the whole must be contained, everyone must be considered, because if we leave one person outside of this consideration, then that one point will make us all miserable again, because this life is about learning how to coexist as equals and so within this, I see that happiness in its FULL expression is not yet ‘here’ as the definition of all living parts in this world having a dignified and satisfying existence.  I see that happiness is a ‘work in progress’ when it comes to genuinely Living it at a global level – however, it is possible to work on creating a general stability and support for oneself to live in a responsible manner, which I’ve found to be actually a great source of satisfaction and fulfillment.

In fact, living this process of self-support with the Desteni tools is an awesome practical way to create and build this happiness for oneself, it won’t definitely make you all tingly within yourself, nor would it come with ease either, it does take actual work, dedication, discipline, consistency, self-will, determination, self-leadership and creativity to do this, but these are all aspects that are definitely worth investing one’s life and time on. Having said this, it does make sense to say that aiming to be ‘happy’ within this context and consideration, to create happiness for everyone in this world is a cool thing to aim at, because it will enable us all to create a general well-being wherein we can actively and continuously create and make of this world a system of support, of living-life instead of merely surviving or having to strive to ‘make a living,’ where our relationships become necessary pillars for us to thrive instead of obstacles to achieve personal gain and self-interest.

If happiness is a common goal in each one’s life, it’s best to then recognize it as something that can only genuinely exist if we all first place the consideration of creating this happiness, this stability, this self-support, self-care, and self-honesty within each one of us individually, so that then we become a +1 person that becomes a pillar to build this happiness in the world, no matter where you are: our lives, how we live/what we do in each moment, how we walk our day to day defines what we create collectively. So, it’s about time we stop seeking for happiness ‘out there’ and instead focus on creating it within and without.

What I can share as the practical way to do this is by walking this process of self-support, I hadn’t ever been satisfied with my life or even would dare to call myself as ‘being happy’ because I was a Grinch, so unhappy about life /the world and blaming everything and everyone for why my life wasn’t ‘working,’ instead of realizing that I do not have to ‘seek happiness’ out there, I have to actually recognize my ability to create it, to become it and to establish it/share it with others in this world. Sounds nice, yep, but it takes actual work and dedication to genuinely live it, it takes guts to also be able to let go of previous definitions of ‘happiness’ by testing it out, seeing if what one had defined as happiness is really a constant and continuous point I can live within my life that is Best for All for eternity – and there, first steps of self-honesty will emerge.

It’s surely enjoyable to take the wheel of your life, and this is precisely what we learn to do in this process, so I recommend it 100% percent.

 

I commit myself to any time and all time required to bring this world back to that which is life, regardless of what it will take and I commit myself not to allow the values the mind  as me have become to determine what is real value. Until this is done. – Bernard Poolman 

 

Living Principles

 

Suggested blog:

Day 2: Happiness and Me

 

I dare you to start questioning what happiness is for you and if you’re ready to live genuine happiness, join us here:

 

Read people recognizing their self creation abilities in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


77. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

 

Disenchantment of my Own Expectations

The disenchantment experienced within art school after the first year came up as an outflow of me having based my decision to study art from a desire to experience all the points that I have described in the previous blogs, which meant that because and due to my starting point not being that of a self-directive decision, I experienced disillusionment in every class I’d take, while holding the desire for something/ someone to fulfill this yearning to get to a point of satisfaction. This lead me to spend most of my first year extensively imbued in spirituality as a means to ‘compensate’ that which the art career was not ‘giving me’ from the get go, which is in fact my own manipulation from what I desired to get/ obtain from and through the ‘art experienced’ based on all the expectations I had formulated only in my mind about art, art school and myself being ‘in the right spot’ this time, only to realize that I was experiencing myself as in the beginning of literature wherein I started developing the same backchat to justify my ‘dissatisfaction’ with the career. (Read through 72. My Career Choice where I disclose this experience)

 

And so, here I walk one of those various moments I had while going through school and specifically the painting workshop I attended, which was supposed to be my ‘forte’ point within my ‘skills’ –

 

Pattern: talking myself into thinking that ‘this school is not good enough for me/ is not what I accepted’ which is the usual backchat I would form whenever I would simply opt to drop out and move onto something else based on not getting the ‘satisfaction’ from it that I was expecting.

 

Pollock

2006

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get as early as possible to my painting workshop from the starting point of keeping this definition of myself as being ‘responsible’ and ‘attentive’ in school, yet wanting to ‘earn my right’ to leave after 3 hours exactly so that I could go to the library instead and read about the new age, esoteric books and religions that I considered were ‘more important’ than the workshop itself, which is how from the first year of being In art school, I began creating these ideas of myself not being fulfilled/ wanting something more ‘substantial’ based on the expectations I had created when deciding to study art and dropping out of literature. Within this essentially starting to repeat the same pattern of ‘dissatisfaction with my choice’ and seeking something else that would be more ‘fulfilling’ to get my positive experience, which is how I got myself into researching religions, spirituality and the occult as a result of me ‘going deeper’ into the ultimate desire of knowing it all as the mysteries of existence which I am now in fact able to hear and would have never gotten in any books in that library, lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to work within the painting workshop from the starting point of ‘getting things done to get a grade’ and losing all interest because of my own projections upon the teacher and fellow students as not being there with the same enthusiasm I thought I was attending school with, which in fact was a self-belief to cover up the fact that I simply was shifting my point of attention from art to spirituality/ or a mix of the two which could satisfy my desire to know.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my fellow mates in the workshop as looking ‘down’ and comparing myself to be rather positive and enthusiastic about painting, which is how I started creating backchat about the entire workshop not being ‘fulfilling’ or a ‘good environment’ to create, taking my observations upon others as ‘real’ and believing that being ‘creating’ with such people around me was not ‘beneficial’ for my ‘inspiration,’ thus beginning to loath going to such workshop and started only going to it for mere obligation to preserve my self-idea as a responsible being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself and my works within the starting point of competition toward others’ wherein I clearly talked myself into superiority, believing that ‘my paintings were great’ and that others’ paintings were simply bad and wrong, which is all based on my desires to fulfill this idea of myself as being an ‘innate artist’ and with ‘real talent’ which was all based on the definitions, judgments and self-belief created by and through what I would get from friends and family and others around me which I described in here 75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately choose a workshop that I knew was not that ‘popular based on my idea of then having ‘less competition’ there and so ensuring in my mind that I could ‘stand above others’ with my work/ paintings, wherein I actually sabotaged my opportunity to learn just because of starting participating in such workshop from the desire to be recognized and ‘stand above others’ works’ which all crumbled down due to and because of not getting such ‘satisfaction’ I was seeking from my teacher and fellow mates, which lead me to add another point to the entire disillusion because I was not being equally-praised as people in my world – such as friends/ family – had expressed toward ‘my work.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto the teacher when seeing him doing his own artwork while and during the ‘class’ or workshop-time, based on the expectation I had of teachers showing you/ sharing their painting secrets and techniques and everything else which I expected, and because I didn’t get that, I started believing that I was in the wrong workshop and that I had completely failed at choosing teacher – but in fact, it all stemmed from this immediate dissatisfaction that I started experiencing toward ‘studying art’ overall, after the first year and being in the beginning of the second year wherein my fulfillment started veering toward spirituality, once again repeating the pattern of thinking I had made the ‘wrong choice’ again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my teacher did not care about what I was doing and not giving a fuck about anyone else there, without realizing that I was simply expecting to be directed and get the feedback that I wanted based on expectations of him toward my work, which was all ego based as in only considering my own work as something ‘already great’ and having only to ‘perfect it’ in school, which was all a belief and never really Real, therefore whenever I did not get my desires fulfilled in the workshop, I started building disillusionment toward the entire career overall, giving up and just going there because ‘I had to’ and not as a self-directive decision of living my ‘choice’ in fact.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting about ‘art school’ altogether and thinking that I could instead just be at home, painting by my own and seeing no point in going to art school if I was not in fact going to get any direct guidance by the teacher, which is how I would then compound the judgments toward people not caring at all and starting to absorb such ideas about others into myself as ‘depression,’ blaming the environment as being Not-supportive at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start building regret about my career choice – yet again – when seeing that I was only going there to ‘fill in the assistance list’ and being there 3 hours only to then immediately go to the library or home to read that which was ‘calling my attention’ the most which was spirituality, religions, philosophy and the occult, and in this starting to go to school with no actual disposition to learn and stay there enough to develop skills, but simply ‘passing through the classes’ because I simply knew I could not now repent and say that I did not want to study art any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into regret when thinking ‘painting used to be my thing and the most enjoyable time in my life and now, it’s so sad’ based on my self-created experience in this workshop, wherein I see and realize that I started blaming ‘the academy’ for ‘killing inspiration’ and feeling just like another robot in the ford-t production line based on my initial ideals of what art school would be like, seeking to fulfill my ego’s desire to immediately be recognized as this ‘great artist’ and get all the props for my ego to then be able to say that ‘art school is great!’ – but because I did not get it, I simply started losing interest.

 

This is part of the pattern of ‘dissing’ that which is not feeling me enough energy any longer thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start dissing art school, the teachers, the workshop mates, school mates and the entire art school scenario as lame and sad and depressing, simply because it was not giving Me what I had expected as this constant fulfillment of compliments and judgments that could ‘highlight my work’ above others’ and in this, starting to think and justify my experience with thoughts like ‘No wonder academy fucks all creativity and true passion to create’ which is a self-belief according to expectations and my usual way of blaming others for what I would be creating and experiencing within myself – thus it had Nothing to do with art school itself, people or the teacher but it was all myself not getting the necessary energy for me to continue being ‘happy’ within it, which is actually cool because if I had gotten my ego-nurturing, I would have probably elevated myself to a semi-god status wherein I would have only been moved by ‘desire for fame and fortune’ and not sought another way which is how in the middle of that first year in painting workshop, I found Desteni.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was a waste of time going to such workshop/ school in general, wherein I started going and leaving just exactly on the minimum of 3 hour stay there, and then rushing back to my house to ‘do my thing’ and continue studying and getting deep into spirituality, devouring books and anything that I could deem as ‘superior’ and of ‘utmost importance’ in comparison to art, which shows how I was only energetically driven to study one thing and another after another based on the amount of satisfaction as positive-energy experience that I could get from ‘my studies/ my religion/ my desires’ being fulfilled or not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be counting the minutes till it was ‘safe to leave’ and place my name on the list and say goodbye with such excitement, as if I was attending some community work given after you’ve been in prison and only paying your sentence somehow, which became a very uncomfortable situation until I simply stopped that year in the painting workshop, which I see and realize that was simply the cannon fodder I used in that time of absolute and extreme self-dissatisfaction, lostness, disillusionment, depression and self suppression through weed to the utmost degree, that I can barely remember myself back then, and that if it wasn’t for all the pictures I took that time and the writings, I would have no remembrance of myself and my experience in that time, which was absolutely self-created hell.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeking my ‘own fame and fortune’ by taking photographs by myself, deliberately ‘spiting’ the art school point by not taking photography workshop in the belief that ‘I can do this by myself/ on my own, I don’t require school’ – which was absolutely conceited from myself – and eventually ‘hitting the jackpot’ wherein all the dissatisfaction in ‘school’ was even more enhanced and perceived as a ‘waste of time,’ when being invited to exhibit my ‘independent photography works’ in another country, which was a sudden rush of self-importance and fame that was fulfilling ‘at last’ the dreams that I’ve had with regards to someone suddenly ‘knocking on my door and asking me to show my work somewhere else in the world’ – which did happen and lead me to have my short-lived experience of fame and art-world experience that I had dreamed of for a long time.

 

In the next post I will share my ‘fame and fortune’ experience lol and how it changed my life to the realization of what it Really meant to be ‘in’ the artworld and how I started experiencing myself being simply ‘in the wrong profession’ yet again… lol

 

2006

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself talking to me in my mind about ‘being in the wrong place/ having made the wrong decisions’ I stop and I breathe – I recognize the stupidity loop for what it is as me starting to diss something based on the expectations that I had built around something/ someone without taking the necessary time and space to actually walk it in a self-supportive manner, which means: not building backchat about my decision and my choices, but instead working through with it practically with no judgment wherein I can actually assess what is supportive, what is not supportive and then, make decisions based on this practical living experience, instead of just giving up at the least ‘drop of energy’ as me not getting the necessary ‘positivity’ around a point to keep going.

 

When and as I see myself being in a place, walking my decision and starting to think that ‘I’ve made the wrong choices’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a pattern of me beginning to see everything through the ‘I want to drop out ‘ filter wherein when starting to criticize and judge others as depressive and not good enough for me, indicates that I am in fact creating a negativity based on me not getting my ‘initial fix’ from the beginning as a positive energy experience that I always sought to get, at all times from and of everything I participated in.

 

When and as I see myself projecting my own judgments upon people/ the environment as it ‘not being supportive’ for me to develop my abilities, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is one Huge excuse that I’ve used to drop out from studies, not following through because of believing that ‘everyone else is too slow in comparison to me,’ which is how within my impatience I have dropped out from studies such as learning languages, dancing and guitar lessons wherein I thought that having to ‘wait’ for an entire group to ‘catch up’ was a waste of time and money – thus dropping out and eventually only learning things half way, always being dissatisfied with any form of education, due to how I had lived in a school with only 6 classmates in elementary school at the very end, which allowed us to go into topics and material that was supposed to be learned in the following two years of junior high school, which is why I developed this constant desire to ‘consume knowledge’ in order to be ‘ahead’ of the rest, never considering what being a part of the group implies, but simply wanting to ‘get it all done fast and first,’ all of it being a primary mechanism to fulfill and support my ego.

 

When and as I see myself backchatting about others and judging them as ‘too slow to understand/ to act’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I have been impatient my entire life and that building such backchat toward others only lead me to drop out and end up nowhere when believing that people are not ‘moving as fast as they should,’ according to my mind’s standards of learning/ working and ‘doing’ in the system, which is how I became displeased with living in this country with what I judged as extremely lazy people, never taking such judgment back to myself to see where in my world I was doing the same.

 

When and as I see myself placing me in a position wherein I am not ‘competing’ against what I deem as ‘strong people’/ ‘potential rivals,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize how I have deliberately sabotaged my opportunities of self-expansion and growth every time that I would make decisions based on seeing ‘where I can remain on top/ being the best’ and ensuring I would have no ‘strong opponents’ or ‘rivals’ based on the superiority and desire for recognition that I lived through and by in my life, wherein I would ‘watch out the field’ for competition and within that existing only to ‘remain’ on top, and never daring to actually see how within such stance I would only in fact exist as fear of loss of an apparent ‘special place/ position’ in my world, which is unacceptable when we look at how this entire world is essentially propagating and promoting competition as survival mode, which is how the entire world is able to continue going: through instigating competition, comparison, rivalry as eventual wars and the ultimate separation between who we are as one and equal, all because of just one point wanting to be ‘above everyone else,’ which became the way that we have divided and separated ourselves into a hierarchy that is not supporting or regarding all beings as equals, which translates currently to a monetary system that is Not supporting all beings equally.

 

When and as I see myself projecting blame onto teachers/ people that I had placed as ‘authority’ to give me the tools to work with/ give me the fulfillment of what I want as the ideal of proper education, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is my responsibility to support myself to ensure that I am expanding myself to learn and cooperate within the group wherein I do not wait for orders/ feedback to do what I am required to be done, but that I become my directive principle at all times in common sense = considering what is best for all – and if I require further support, ensure that I speak up and communicate about it, instead of just remaining quiet and festering about it in my own mind without daring to actually confront the situation, directing it to a best for all outcome at all times.

 

I realize that I have always ‘waited ‘for the authority to ‘let me know what to do’ in schools and studies, which is how I became the ‘obedient’ system person that is usually praised because of not being willing to stand up to the authority and thus, remain properly happily enslaved to ‘waiting for others to let me know what to do,’ instead of me taking the initiative to do it for and by myself, now within the consideration of what is best for all and the impact/ outflow consequence that my decisions will have upon myself, my own life and that of others in equality.

 

When and as I see myself starting to feel ‘uncomfortable’ in a particular place/ scenario, I stop and I breathe – before giving head to my own backchat to diss everything and everyone around me, I ensure I walk the point within myself to see where and how I am in fact uncomfortable and not satisfied with myself and my application, instead of projecting as blame onto and toward others wherein I remain as the ‘victim’ of it all, which is unacceptable. Thus I take responsibility for my experience at all times, ensuring that I cross reference the point with at least another being as to share how it is that I am experiencing and what I have seen and realized as ‘my creation’ – as to ensure that if there are actual changes to be directed in the ‘outside’ of myself as the event / situation I am in, we can then directly work to establish a more proper way of directing a point instead of only remaining as individual islands backchatting about it and not speaking up to direct the point to a best for all outcome.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately attempting to ‘do things my way’ as a way to spite that which is no longer giving me the ‘satisfaction ‘that I want/ need and require in my experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whatever decision and direction I take from this starting point is prone to fail, as the starting of it is that of reacting to a point that I just swept aside and jump onto another point as ‘the solution,’ without having first investigated Why and How I lead myself to ‘diss’ one point, wherein I ensure that I have in fact done all I can to ‘make the point work’ before deciding to part ways/ stop participating in something/ with someone in any given event/ situation, and this way, ensuring that the decisions taken to ‘move on’ to another point are in fact well informed, tested, tried out to all its various possibilities and also referenced by at least another 2 human beings to ensure that I have at least 2 other perspectives on ‘where I am’ in my world and what I am looking at doing/ proceeding with, to ensure that I no longer exist in the ego of ‘I can do it by myself, my way will always be the ‘right way,’ which is learning to consider others in my decisions at all times, walking a self-directive point to not only take ‘me’ into consideration within decisions, but also what is best for all at all times.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking the very basic patterns that have marked my participation in this world as an ego that sought a constant fulfillment of and as the positive energy experience and within this, ensuring that all decisions I make in my life are not based on energy / from the starting point of a positive energetic experience, but are in fact the result of me having assessed an studied the practicality of the decision, the possible outcomes and reality-consequences that can be seen through writing, applying Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements to remove the basic conditions such as ‘getting a positive energy experience’ from the decisions I make and take in my life. This can allow me to stop only acting/ moving based on the expectation of a positive energy experience and instead, learn what Self-movement and a self-directive decision actually implies, wherein positive energetic experiences are no longer the ‘god’ I am looking for in my life, but instead walk here honoring life in and as myself as the physical body that I am.

 

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Reptilian – The Mind is the Artist and the Physical its Canvas – Part 62

Day 56: Disappointed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment with myself today based on the judgment that I’ve held toward my lack of self-movement to actually be the most effective and self-directive I realize I can be in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of disappointment toward myself based on existing as an expectation of fulfilling within myself a sense of ‘satisfaction’ as the saturation of positive energy in means of letting myself know that ‘I am doing good’ and I am ‘alright,’ wherein I am in fact then only feeding a pattern of ‘surviving’ as the energy of expectations that require to be ‘met’ in order for me to ‘feel good about myself,’ and due to such expectations not being met, I experience a sense of ‘disappointment’ wherein I simply have missed the point of direction that I exist as in every moment of breath to actually physically direct myself and that’s it – but instead, I use such moments to generate an expectation that has to be crushed in order to reveal to myself that existing in such mental projections toward a sense of ‘satisfaction’ can only exist as the mind to feed my own personality of being constantly ‘satisfied’ with myself as energy, as positive experience/ neutral experience of ‘everything is fine’ at a mind level, and not being simply here breathing as myself in the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of ‘lack’ as this disappointment wherein I believe that I ‘must’ satisfy myself/ others as the idea of myself that is linked to this completion/ fulfillment and ‘satisfaction’ as a positive energy-experience linked to completing tasks, linked to being ‘the most effective’ and the most ‘well-done’ and efficient person, which implies that this is all ego-based and not real in any way whatsoever because it’s only existing within the context  of me as an idea of self and future projection to be met –Not existing within and as who I am as an individual that is here as breath , physically realizing the points that require direction and just doing it.

 

I realize that as long as I hold this ‘idea’ of myself, there will always be a gap to be closed as I am not in fact moving the totality of myself in consideration of giving it all that I am in every single moment of breath, due to still allowing fleeting moments of opting/ preferring to do some things over others, which imply that I am not yet the absolute directive principle of myself, but existing as an idea that is pliable to my own set of preferences and needs, which are stemming from actual resistance to do work that is required to be done in order for me to stop looping around the same points, which is useless if I already know the actions to be done: it just requires doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘disappointed’ simply because of perceiving that I am not getting ‘enough energy’ to keep me as that point of ‘self-satisfaction’ that is fueled  by experiences, by temporary fixes with food, entertainment, people in my world, casual flirts, looking forward for events and when I am not getting any of this and deliberately stopping them, I perceive that I am in fact ‘lacking’ something and causing me this sense of ‘s.o.s. do something or you will die’ which is only the mind absolutely craving for anything that will give that temporary fix, which is just like existing in withdrawal symptoms after having been so addicted to a mind that will use virtually Anything- from a single comment, word, person’s interaction, a drink, food, weather, people, a scenario, something I read, something I receive from another – and the list goes on – in order to create this sense of ‘I exist for others!’ which is only myself as the mind getting its confirmation of: yes, you still exist as relationships of the mind as your ego/ personality toward others – and in that, believe that I am ‘back on track’ which is Not as the self-stability that I should exist here-as-myself in every moment of breath, but instead that stability is based on the mind’s stability as that feed of energy that I have become so used to experiencing as ‘who I am’ as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for a moment, believe that I could actually be ‘dissatisfied’ and ‘disappointed’ which in fact are only words that indicate that I am ‘not getting enough for my ego’ – as I realize that I am well aware in every moment if I am living as life – here and being absolutely self directive or not – hence being ‘disappointed’ as any other ‘beingness’ is in fact an energy-possession accumulation that I have given a name/ defined according to the types of energy that I’ve been used to getting in the past, and I am not deliberately fueling any longer. In this case ‘disappointment’ implies that perceived ‘target’ as that future projection that I would live up to throughout my life, always having lived to a future moment wherein I would be finally ‘complete’ – without practically having taking the steps to see How I would get myself to such position, which has been part of the ‘fleeting’ and ‘airy’ personality wherein words are not directed and lived, but only spoken with a sense of ‘hope’ that it will happen in any way, just like miraculously.

 

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is this same sense of ‘future satisfaction’ that has been the lie we have accepted as humanity to ‘run our lives’ toward that elusive paradise-like happiness and fulfillment, which is only feeding my mind according to its necessary creation of relationships in separation of myself as life, while supporting the same mechanism within the world system to survive as a mind-system of energy, and never having pondered if it was okay to simply be and direct myself with the usual necessary without having to comply to follow such elusive dreams of absolute satisfaction and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only be disappointed as an individual experience after having been seeking to ‘meet my target’ which existed as a future projection based on myself at this age and pondering about ‘what am I doing with my life’ and how I had projected myself doing ‘so many things,’ which boiled down to nothing. Yet I see that it was necessary for that to happen as all dreams, future projections and ‘visualizations’ of myself in the future were based and created within the ‘who I am as a mind’ – therefore, all future projections were based upon me wanting to fulfill the ‘me’ as the mind that would constantly generate these ‘dreams’ about the future, to ensure its survival as me continuing fueling the desires, hopes and dreams of such experiences wherein I could finally feel ‘satisfied’ about myself and my life.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will go through many ‘withdrawal symptoms’ every time that the mind does not get its constant ‘feed’ wherein my life will seem empty and I would create an experience in/of the mind of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ upon not getting that necessary energy to continue going, which is the moment wherein I would usually give up on doing something simply because of not getting the same ‘excitement’ and ‘positive experience,’ which is how I would withdraw from such point/ activity in my world and start something else, never completing something to its absolute.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having kept my mind busy/ satisfied with the necessary attention/ energy to continue existing as all the relationships I have formed with others in my reality in separation of myself as one and equal, wherein only the ‘who I am’ as the idea of self was being fed and supported through this constant ‘feed’ through any of the interactions with others that would verify that I still ‘am’ something for others as the beingness of consciousness, as personality as the ego that is fed through and by the relationships created with others.

 

I realize that I have ‘naturally’ linked these two words ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ as they both imply me as the mind not ‘meeting its target’ as the necessary energy for me to continue existing as the set of relationships I had created for and of myself ‘in the future’ from the time when I was 16 years old and pondering ‘what I would do in the future’ and ‘where I would be in 10 years’ wherein I created all types of high expectations toward myself based on seeking to satisfy the idea of self as all the ‘me’ that had been a ‘brilliant person’ in school, which I see and realize means nothing as all that which I am has nothing to do with the physicality that is here and cannot be ‘disappointed’ as that is only a  mind generated idea that exists whenever I am ‘dissatisfied’ as in not getting enough energy to saturate myself with attention as thoughts, emotions, feelings and any other form of mind relationship that I had become addicted to, as a single point of self-definition such as a dream, a future projection, a friendship of the past that can in any way ‘get me back on track’ which is the race toward that ultimate fulfillment of myself as the mind as the personality with ego projections of success and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from completion as self here, wherein I generate a separation from myself as a mind experience of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ the moment that I perceive that I am ‘not meeting my target’ which is mimicking the way that corporations function, always seeking to reach this ‘target’ as the necessary influx of money to keep running the business in a ‘smooth’ manner, while keeping the entire world system function in a ‘mint’ enslaving mechanism.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points I am in fact feeding an entire mechanism at a world-wide level wherein my dissatisfaction and disappointment is usually ‘fulfilled’ and ‘overcome’ through buying, consuming and generating any form of relationship for the mind to continue its directive-role within ourselves as humanity, missing the totality of ourselves as completion, as wholeness that just requires to live as self-directive beings in consideration of what’s best for all, which is in this case overlooked and all that remains is that absolute self interest to satisfy and ‘foolfill’ ourselves within the options that people that take advantage of such emotional experiences in human beings have very well studied and prepared for ourselves to get ‘our fix’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that any moment that I am not Here as life – breathing – moving – self-directing, I exist as some form of lack that seeks to be satisfied in the form of a want, need, desire generated by my mind based on the past and previous patterns of the ways in which I would ‘get my fix’ no matter how ‘small’ it may seem, within this always ‘giving into’ the experience of the mind as disappointment in order to get something outside of myself to ‘get myself back on track’ as the race of the mind to ‘meet its goal’  – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy only my mind and forget about the rest of the physical body that I exist as every time that I go into a mind-experience such as ‘disappointment’ wherein ‘all that matters’ is then getting myself back on the ‘track’ within the ongoing mind-feeding game that uses goals/ future projections wherein I keep myself bound to a single outcome that I can fulfill/ not fulfill and define myself as then being satisfied/ dissatisfied according to ‘who I am as the mind.’

 

I realize that the only real dissatisfaction that can exist is having no food in my stomach, not having water, proper living support for an extended period of time wherein the real pains of hunger and starvation are a constant experience for billions in this world, which should make us ponder how we are constantly looking after ‘how we feel’ instead of realizing how within such question I am only considering ‘myself’ in that moment, while in fact adding myself as the other billions seeking to be satisfied as the positive experience of myself that generate – as a consequence – the billions that starve because we live in a reality wherein the opposites are created the moment that only one pole is pursued and sought, which implies that we are directly responsible for every single atrocity as a result of any inkling of positive thinking and positive attitude that seeks to be More within everything we do in the name of self-satisfaction.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of ‘lack’ as dissatisfaction and in that going into the experience of disappointment as a result of not getting my energy to keep going on, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply existing as a mind that seeks for its survival – instead I direct myself to continue being here as breath wherein I see and realize that I must physically will myself to move myself regardless of any incentive, motivation or positive input that I used to be fueled by within my reality.

 

I also realize that there are problems in our reality that require our focus and attention which we are not in any way supporting while getting caught up in our minds – therefore  in order to stop such patterns from existing within us as a whole, the conflict and sense of ‘lack’ must be stopped within me first, to then support others to see how we have created our own ‘lack’ as a system of energy that does not consider life as a constant in-breath and out-breath that can be materialized as giving and receiving in a system of equality, but instead have decided to enslave ourselves to a system wherein because we want to be ‘more’ = we generate abuse invariably somewhere else within this social organism.

 

I realize then that this point of disappointment is only existent as a mind possession that is Not ‘meeting its target’ as that ‘something’ that I would always have as a motivation to ‘keep going,’ because I realize that I have never moved-me as self-movement before, but that I am only now realizing that If I don’t change,If I don’t move = Nothing will change and Nothing will move.

 

I realize that anything that ‘moves me’ is not ‘me’ but my mind seeking any past connection, any memory, relationship and idea of myself in order to fuel myself as an experience which is quite a ‘simplistic’ and easy way to trap myself in and as a mind possession if I give head to it in one single fleeting moment wherein I am not being Here, self directive, breathing and stop the minutest mind-wavering experience.

 

I commit myself to stop the backchat that is indicating that the mind is wanting its fix as the positive experience/ reward in order to ‘keep going,’ and instead realize that this is a physical process wherein nothing will move if I don’t move. 

 

I commit myself to flag point any experience related to ‘satisfaction’ and ‘feeling satisfied’ and ‘feeling alright’ as that indicates that I am somehow generating a positive experience as a necessary fuel to keep myself going as the mind, which is the very ‘addiction’ that I am here to stop for once and for all. I realize that the mind will do anything possible for me to crave my fix, and that I have even experienced extreme physical discomfort whenever I don’t follow through with the desire, which is the necessary pains to stop me from giving into that usual desire and fix to do ‘what pleases me’ but not what I am as a physical being that recognizes the responsibility that is required to be taken by myself, within the consideration of the decision I’ve made to stand up for life – which is not to be taken ‘lightly’ but with actual physical consequences that are implied within me giving head to my own desires, wishes, wants, needs, desires.

 

I realize that I had become used to being a constant ‘feeder’ for my mind, wherein even if I had a relatively ‘simple’ life, I would still trigger interactions, experiences and place myself deliberately in situations wherein I could get my mind-fix to continue fueling the idea of myself as my ego which is the very point and only point of resistance that I am walking through in order to become an absolute self-directive being that I realize I can be and become if I stop walking a middle-path of ‘nothingness’ as a mind that is seeking to be complete, not as an actual nothingness that exists here in every moment that I realize the responsibility that I have committed myself to for/ as life.

 

I recommend listening to the practical masturbation series that have just begun with basic physical tangible perspectives and aspects that we can start considering in our reality which, surprisingly enough, are very linked to the entire mechanism of us fueling our minds with anything or anyone to keep that same ‘ego’ glowing and growing, without us having any resolution to stop due to the pleasure that it represents. It is is vital to also hear the Soul of Money interviews as they explain the sexualization of society as well, as that mechanism to ‘keep us going’ as energy-beings of the mind that use and abuse the physical in order to continue satisfying the ‘who I am’ as the mind, and neglecting/ abusing the physical reality that is here as ourselves, that requires our directive participation within the starting point of what is best for all Life at all times.

 

 

 

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Day 44: The Evil Veil of Me

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever pursuit the positive in life and believing that that was ‘the path’ that I had to walk as it would make me be a ‘better human being’ while neglecting the fact that such positive energy was in fact the result of the actual evil as the bastardization of life to energy wherein I made sure that ‘who I am’ as a point of separation from the whole always stands on the ‘positive side’ which I allowed myself to deliberately ‘stick to,’ regardless of the actual inner-experience that would come up when being possessed with anger and obsessive thoughts as a child, which then developed into generating a double experience within myself wherein within the outside I would present an affable and charismatic persona, but in the inside I judged my very own participation as I knew that it was only fake and ‘to get by’ within the standards of society that I always accepted as ‘how things are’ without daring to really question it as to How it is that we were all just playing games of pretending to care about each other.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exert that inner inexplicable irritation toward myself as a child as a gnawing experience that I would then try and exert out as annoyance, annoying others and seeking attention because I did not know why I was experiencing such inextricable physical discomfort wherein I just wanted to peel myself off of my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop obsessions from a very young age wherein I would feed my obsessions with constantly thinking about something until I would get it, and I would then experience the temporary relief of finally ‘achieving’ something that I wanted, only to find something else to obsess about in no time, which is how I became used to being holding on to a future-experience of self-gratification which is how we are currently living as beings that only care about the immediate instant-gratification wherein there is no actual regard for that which we are consuming in the name of such gratification.

 

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to believe that through sticking to the positive self-experience I was being a ‘good being in existence’ without ever, ever imagining that this is the actual evil of this world as all the spiritual beliefs and ideas of positive, light and benevolence stem from the very acceptance of that inherent separation of who we are as one and equal, thus becoming a worshiper of the very evil that has leads us to exist in the current state we’re living in as humanity, which is now, more clear than ever, that is taking a toll on all of us that believed that we were ‘on the good path’ of walking with and as the ‘good guys’ while neglecting that in reality, it was the other way around.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear the evil’ and react to such word without ever having known that everything we have been and manifested as the consequence of our primordial separation has been evil, pure evil in nature, which then explains how I would constantly hold the thought-pattern about ‘Humanity being evil’ and creating this constant ‘hardening’ experience when being ‘exposed’/ being interacting with human beings as I believed everyone was ‘on to get me’ and ‘against me,’ which explains how retreat, isolation and the desire to simply interact the least possible stemmed from this that I deemed as ‘irrational fear’ – yet it was real as the actual nature that exists as all of us, not only myself and that I can only see and understand it for what it means to ensure that I walk the process to stop any form of continuation to degrade and defy life in the name of any form of energy – whether positive or negative – it is my responsibility to stop all patterns of energy within myself, as I realize that this is the only way that I can give myself back to myself the points that I had initially separated myself from.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever only seek to be a positive-supporter a ‘cheerleader’ when it came to positivity and positive experiences, without realizing that within this I had made of reality nothing else but a chemical reaction that would only make me Feel Good about myself and my thoughts and place myself into this angelic pedestal, while neglecting the fact that the foundation to such experience was stemming from the actual evil that we became the very moment that we accepted and allowed ourselves to be the cause and effect of energy as the result of the desire to ‘experience’ and ‘be more’ than ourselves as equality and oneness, which means that I abdicated the wholeness of myself and vulgarized it to me being and becoming only a single experience that would only continue to keep satisfying itself through generating the same positive experience within the participation with others in reality, using them/ using life as a way to transform it into the necessary crutch for my self elation.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘fix the world’ in separation of myself and believing myself to be a ‘good natured being’ when in fact, I was only trying to save my own ass when it comes to realizing that any desire to do good was actually stemming from the fear that I had realized was absolutely undeniable within me, which is how I feared everything that had to do with ‘dark’/ ‘darkness’ and ‘evil’ because I had feared myself as my own ‘evil’ experience/ thoughts/ imagination that I had not been able to communicate with others, because of fearing being judged for having such experiences within me, which reveals to what extent we as human beings experience these type of inner confusion and not knowing how to ‘deal’ with it, because we were always taught to simply ride the wave of experience until it ‘fades out’ – yet not really understanding why and how I would suddenly have ‘evil thoughts’ as a child toward people in my reality, with no apparent reason, which is what manifested that self-annoyance and irritation that I tried to cover up with a positive attitude and being just cheerful, because I knew that that would keep me ‘safe’ from the evil that I actually feared as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever pursue a ‘light working career’ wherein I would dream of being able to ‘help people’ and make this world a ‘better place’ by implementing solutions that had to do with giving hope, having faith and believing that ‘after all, it all must come down to a positive end’ – which is in fact the problem that hope instills and creates in this reality as a the laxity wherein the real nature that must be worked with through writing, applying self forgiveness and  the Self Corrective Application had been simply pushed down and covered up with all things positivity, which is like trying to build a solid foundation upon a swamp.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek relationships as a way to make myself feel better about myself, without realizing that it is through the nature of relationships that our ‘real nature’ was shaped and formed, which implies that creating relationships was an automated way to continue the perpetual desire to ‘be more’ than myself because relationships in themselves already imply separation and energetic experiences created from that moment of separation toward that which we are attempting-to and trying to reunite with. Which means that I had only reinforced separation through trying to connect/ establish relationships due to such separation only existing as an energetic experience that doesn’t consider the actual physicality as the fabric of existence as substance/ as life of which everything and everyone is made of.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem that everything that was ‘evil’ in this world had nothing to do with me, which was me neglecting my very own thoughts as the constant seeking for power, control, recognition, glory, instant-gratification as a constant ‘win-win’ desire within me, which is the actual core and initiation of all evil in this world wherein ‘who I am as money/ power’ is all that really drives us to want to ‘be something/ someone’ in life, which is Not living but instead agreeing to play the game and ride the ‘waves of success’ that we all comply to live in within this system that only cares to perpetuate such constant fueling of experiences, instead of regarding and supporting life in equality, which is now our duty to establish as a living principle on Earth.

 

I commit myself to debunk any inkling and remain of positivity within me as I walk myself out of the mind and into the physical, remaining as the awareness of who I have become as a result of having lived in fear of ‘the evil’ in me for such an extensive period of time, wherein morality took the place of any form of common sense and in that, becoming a biased being that only cared about listening, doing, being, supporting all things positivity for a while, while having been on the exact opposite, which lead me to a final great confusion within my life that actually lead me to Desteni and that I see and realize is the only way to stop ALL Confusions that we may have in this world when wanting to deliberately stick to the positive out of the actual fear of ourselves, fear toward fellow human beings, because we see and realize that our actual current natures is that of evil that is also a veil that we have created upon ourselves the moment that we accepted and allowed ourselves to live as energy only, as an energetic presence instead of a physical beingness that requires no definition to exist.

 

I commit myself to expose how within our current society and the ‘need’ for us to ‘define who/ what we are’ is in fact reinforcing the evil nature that seeks to have its place of consumption, satisfaction and opposition wherein we become just these lighting bolts that seek to be excited at all times in order to move while constantly wanting to get away from the negative experience and remain in a state of perfect bliss, which can only exist if energy exists – and energy is the very abuse of the physical substance as life that we have used and consumed in the name of our personal ‘power’ and satisfaction.

 

I commit myself to stop the need to be constantly defining myself as an experience and instead, embrace silence as I walk here as breath wherein every pattern of self-deprecation as an energetic experience – whether positive or negative – is understood, seen and realized as a self-abusive pattern as I now see, realize and understand how all the experiences that had no ‘explanation’ before are now becoming clear as a result of us having become the manifested consequence of our abdication toward life/ as life, which perpetuated the ‘who I am’ as that experience of separation which is then what leads to a constant seeking of experience in order to ‘feel alive’ or ‘be someone’ which is only seeking to define ‘who we are’ as that very relationship of separation which must stop here, as I realize that I am perfectly able to exist without using the mind as a constant energetic input onto the physical reality that I am able to move in, walk, breath, eat and experience as an actual moment to moment – instead of future projecting, or remembering or seeking to ‘feel something’ in order to ‘feel alive.’

 

I commit myself to show, how – we have become servants to the Devil/Energy-Authority for ourselves to only WITHIN ourselves manifest our Authority/Godhood unto ourselves, where our existence had become completely internalized and automated within ourselves as Mind/Consciousness – only existing to survive and possess ourselves as Energy; with no substantial living action visible to bring about a change of ourselves within and without.

In this – I commit myself, to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, speaking and sharing – walk the Visible Action of The Decision to no more accept and allow myself to Serve the Devil/Energy-Authority within and as the Cause/Acceptance of accepting separation, and Effect/Allowance of allowing the relationship between the negative, neutral and positive energies of Mind; but align myself into and as equality and oneness with and as the human physical-body, to stand with and as Life-Authority of and as equality and oneness as what is/will be best for All, as my process of taking directive-principle as responsibility for who, how and what I am in every moment of Breath, and so no more exist in and as the automation of Consciousness that has become the authority over and of me, the physical-body and this physical-existence, but in fact walk in and as Awareness, here in every moment of Breath.” Sunette Spies*

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I commit myself to continue exposing our ‘real nature’ as evil in order to finally take off the veil of energy that we have abdicated our self-directive power to, and become a being that is willing to walk the necessary time and space to reintegrate myself as the physicality of oneness and equality as Life, as that which I separated myself from in the pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of ‘me as an experience’ as energy, of which now I see, realize and understand has been the very key point of ultimate enslavement that must be stopped with the implementation of the Equal Money System wherein real Neighborism is able to emerge as a new human nature, once that we have all realized that we can only thrive in equality as a group, as collective that is able to decide what’s best for all to live by and simply apply it/ be it/ become it.

 

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No Angels, No Devils – Only Physicality as who I really am.

 

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Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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