Be-Lame

“It’s all your fault!”  How many times have we been ‘impressed’ by these words and taken them personally, creating an experience that runs through our body as a mix of fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment eventually resulting in us feeling like ‘shit,’ because it is apparently ‘our fault’ and now we are the scum of the Earth because: we fucked up.

Hearing these words directed toward myself was something quite common when I was a child – I would be automatically pointed at for anything that would go wrong in my house. Sometimes I had actually been the one that caused something to break or be ‘in disorder’ because of my own negligence/ laziness, some other times it was just ‘out of habit’ that anything wrong would be then ‘my fault’ and questions would not be asked, but only fingers  would point at me; I would then try and defend myself, usually sobbing and already in that ‘victimized’ state saying ‘it wasn’t me,’ but it’s as if any form of credibility had been lost from a series of events where I had been the actual ‘cause’ which is how then one builds a certain ‘reputation’ that can work for either one’s curse throughout life or benefit. I’ve experienced it both ways – for now I’ll debunk the first one.

 

I can see myself as this pattern of being blamed for shit hitting the fan and getting this constant ‘nagging’ about things that I had to do and I wouldn’t do, being quite a ‘disorderly’ person, very lazy and with a great inertia as a resistance to not move if I didn’t have to. I was the type of person that would get from school, eat, go upstairs and plug myself to watch ( M)TV the whole time, this includes the time while I would do my homework – I would only be rather ‘responsible’ and turn it off for proper concentration when studying for exams. I never had any problems with this because I did ‘well’ in school, so my parents probably thought I was some type of lucky person for being able to be responsible and get excellent grades even when spending long hours watching TV.  I became very sedentary, only caring to be in front of the TV and getting more and more sucked into being entertained or rather ‘stimulated’ the whole time. This is just a ‘background’ perspective on how I could be quite careless within my reality which is what lead me to neglect doing tasks and having my world in order; this is how I would get constantly ‘nagged’ for not being an orderly person, not taking care of my stuff and within that,  ‘being blamed for’ things because I was the only one that was such a ‘disaster’ at home.

It is now that I realize how what others say about us might influence us in deeper ways than we are able to notice in that moment. I can see as I write about ‘being blamed’ for shit happening around in my reality, that I ended up believing myself to actually be the cause for shit happening in my world. And I am only now seeing these old memories of how much I took it all personal and how I would write/ speak to myself that ‘I wasn’t loved’ in my family and that ‘I bet they would all be happier if I wasn’t part of the family’ – these thoughts would come up within an entire attire of self-victimization experiencing sadness and belittling myself/ feeling sorry about myself.  I would usually leave the dinner table whenever I was told something along the lines of ‘you caused this shit.’ Parents and sisters would sometimes direct heavy words towards me – or each other for that matter – and I can speak for myself how I would take them deeply seriously and never considered at all that they were only speaking about themselves and only using anyone as an ‘outlet’ for their own personal problems, anger and frustration.

By ‘heavy words’ I mean offenses, cursing that would come out with great ease such as from my father’s mouth. I would only resort to cry because that’s all I knew at that time, feeling bad about what he had said about me in that moment of anger for whatever cause it was, and eventually having my mother coming up to me and explaining that he was just in a bad mood and that he really ‘didn’t mean it.’ And it was indeed just him exerting his own emotions on to anyone else, which is one of the patterns I’ve shared here before in terms of blaming others about stuff that is only a way to not face our own responsibility, which I have also played out to a great extent throughout my life.  Thus, I have realized how this was never actually ‘about me’ but about each person directing their anger on to each other. It’s very clear here how a lot of shit can fly around within the context of a ‘family’ because it is a group of beings facing each one’s programming in different shades – hence the ‘confrontation’ with oneself is more clear and direct, spiced up by the notorious different personalities that ‘mask’ the differentiation that exist at the core level of DNA.

 

When taking such words and scolding as ‘real’ and within me defining myself as being very sensitive to people’s words, I would always take it personally and within this, drown myself into a deep grudge toward the person until I realized how it all worked by me holding that memory of ‘being offended’ and link it to the person, which became quite obvious when after several days I would have to ‘recall’ that I was ‘mad at this person for having said this/ that about me.’  I would mostly then ‘forgive’ in a way that I would be able to talk to that family member/ person again.  Similar situations to the one I explained about my father also happened with my mother and sisters – within this, all I created of and for myself was a nice suit of victimization wherein my mother would sometimes point out how I was making a ‘big deal out of it,’ but I would mostly only argue for my limitations because in a way, I wanted them to ‘feel bad’ for having ‘made me feel bad’ and in that, we can see how this coming and going create endless drama, retaliation, desire for ‘vengeance’ that would turn into grudge-scabs that we would tear off from time to time to bring the memory up again and use it as a way to manipulate and have an effect on another.

This is absolutely unnecessary as we now can see – yet this becomes even at a human-culture level ‘how things work’ in the family. It has become such a cliché that we cannot conceive a family that could live in equal ways wherein there was ‘no shit flying around.’ As human beings we have accepted these ‘fucked up’ relationships in our very own house and from this, manifest this entire world as it is: a world/system of retaliation, seeking vengeance, holding grudges, calling names, wanting others to ‘feel’ what they have ‘done onto us,’ seeking ‘to be the favorite one,’ comparing ourselves to each other, finding our ‘place’ in some form/role in the family wherein we can only support our own ‘life experience’ as something real, as ‘who we are’ which is obviously not based in common sense and an actual integration as part of an entire society, but remain living within/as that survival mechanism.

We become ‘who we are’ in this nest that we call ‘home’ and from there, we accept this role and carry it as ourselves throughout or lives. We accept and allow ourselves to remain in that same shape and mold that we create mostly through our early years in this world. And it is within that very first relationship with our parents and how our parents ‘treat us’ that we will then walk through the world believing it is ‘who we are,’ simply because we had not been able to realize and understand that it was never about ‘us’ in fact,  but it was always about them creating this relationship toward ‘ourselves’ as their children which was only them playing out their own relationship toward themselves in their own mind. Fascinating stuff however, we didn’t know  about this until now.

I became aware of how it was even ‘cool’ to have and almost cherish this something I could ‘brag about’ toward my parents, it was a way of having the power to blackmail them for ever having ‘hurt me’ in such a way, which is obviously unacceptable. Yet, this type of patterns are played out by many, many human beings in their personal relationships; this is very common in marriages for example, where it becomes a dog eat dog type of relationship wherein people bring up memories and each others shit and throw it at each other without ever being able to see the harm that they are inflicting not only to themselves as a couple, but kids if they have any in such ‘family’ scenario. It is truly unacceptable, and this brings up the title of one six feet under episode: ‘Terror starts at home’ which is true as this is the first ‘entry’ we have of the world in our mind – we will accordingly walk into this world within/as the shape that we acquire within the family nucleus and often remain like that for an entire lifetime, without realizing that who really am  as life, as one and equal has nothing to do with the role I got to play as a child at home, who I am is not the character that would get easily offended or ‘hurt’ by  words that any family member  used to deprecate myself in anyway,  as now I see and realize it was never about ‘me’ but themselves all the time.

This is how it is ludicrous to continue accepting and holding this image of ourselves as ‘who we are’ because it was simply an entire personality created and shaped according to the conditions that we were born into, which as we know, are not based on ‘what’s best for all’ but only according to the rules of a fucked up system that we have accepted and allowed without any question before. Carrying ourselves as self-limited boxes of memories as ‘who we are’ and bringing up all of these reasons as to ‘why we are the way we are’ is only another excuse to not dare to step out of the victimization role and take self responsibility. It was almost ‘painful’ having to see that I had lived as a victim asking ‘why’ all the time instead of asking ‘how’ I had accepted and allowed the entire situation in life, how it is not only about ‘me’ but about walking an entire program wherein no self-awareness was existent – I mean, Self Forgiveness here is really forgiving ourselves for merely playing out roles that were solely programmed to cause conflict and separation within our lives, never being able to self-forgive because some other form of ‘intermediary’ was then created/ sought which is how God probably came into the play = another form to avoid confronting the reality that we had created between ourselves.

No matter what ‘intensity’ of it, any form of name-calling, point-finger done in absolute self-indulgence creates consequences that reverberate throughout a being’s life without it being even ‘noticeable’ by the person as it becomes just part of the self-definition that we take on because: that is all we know. This is how it is vital that as parents, human beings are able to understand how each and every single word uttered toward their kids will have a direct influence within their lives because of their receptive condition to accept what they are taught as ‘how things are.’  It is thus unacceptable to continue disregarding the fact that anyone that wants to be/ become a parent must first walk a process of self-responsibility in Self Honesty to ensure that none of our personal bs as a preprogrammed limited consciousness systems is passed on toward a child that walks into this world in such an innocent manner, wherein anything that ‘father’ or ‘mother’ says becomes ‘the law’ and ‘how things are’ without ever questioning – or even having the ability to question – why it is that we are accepting and allowing ourselves to diminish ourselves by words/ thoughts that others may utter toward ourselves?

In my experience I saw how I took on such words as ‘who I am’ and no matter how I would see myself not being ‘stupid’ or a ‘dumbass,’ I would use such memories of others  saying that to me so that I could go back to ‘feeling bad’ about myself and within this, justify my separation and general segregation from the rest of my family. That’s how I justified myself ‘not belonging to that family’ and creating this general ‘silent’ grudge toward them all because of me believing all the words they would say. As a child I sometimes got to speak about this with my mother, and she would say exactly the same, how such words were only coming from their own anger and self experience, that they weren’t about ‘me’ per se, but still I decided that the whole thing was very real and I would rather choose to be sensitive about it because I thought that my mother was only trying to ‘make it all look better’ than what it was – meaning, trying to excuse my sisters/ father or herself for the words that were said. In that moment I decided to ‘not buy it,’ instead I lived out this separation that I  justified with creating an entire personality suit that I’ve deemed as the ‘black sheep in the family,’ just walking a road that I designed in opposite direction to the one I saw my sisters were taking on, just because of not wanting to be ‘predictable’ and following their entire set of preferences and lifestyle.

This was a deliberate point of self-manipulation as well so that I would not have to actually face myself within the family system, but instead build myself a comfortable niche to be the ‘odd one’ and thus have a ‘place’ within that ‘oddity’ so to speak. Once I got to understand this, I then went into a polarity of being ‘unbreakable’ so to speak but not through an actual understanding of such beings speaking only about their own limitations, but in a form of defense mechanism wherein reactions would still come up without working with them, it was only a façade and in that, I wasn’t actually working with stopping my reactions. I didn’t know of Self Forgiveness so I simply did my best to ‘cope with the world’ without ever really looking at my reactions and how I was only shoving them away while pretending ‘nothing could hurt me now’ which is something I’ve shared before in the hard and soft veneers blog. I see that’s how I saw ‘being/ becoming an artist’ quite a cool and acceptable role within society, being ‘eccentric’ yet part of the ‘whole’ in a distinctive manner.

Now that I see, my ‘choices’ in life were then stemming from this entire personality development: from the victim, to the rebel to self-righteousness that I exerted as my career choice, the type of friends/ relationships I had, the type of life I dreamed of having, the type of music I would listen, the clothes I wear, the interests, morality, values – all of it was then specifically designed/ chosen by myself having this starting point of almost creating an unconscious retaliation toward my family/ the family system I was born into.

I had ‘seen’ this before through this process and writing this out, how I had only played out that odd-polarity that was sticking out within the family pattern – however, I had not seen how it had all begun from these early experiences of ‘being hurt’ by others’ words such as ‘being blamed for everything that went wrong’ and within this, belittling myself, wanting to just ‘leave home’ in my mind because I thought that I was not ‘loved’ there and that I was only like this undesired child that had come to interrupt their happy-family life. I mean, I am writing the thoughts as I am recalling them, I think I even wrote this out when I was quite young when I would use writings as a catalyzer to cry and feeling sorry about myself, as a con.firmation of ‘the world being a fuckup/ mean place to live in’ and within this, believing that the only way to coexist in it was through not participating in the same ‘game’ that I would see the entire family and then ‘society’ was playing out, never realizing how the personality that I developed as myself was in fact absolutely defined and created in-opposition to my family. It’s just like an atheist that is still defining himself/herself according to the Non-existence of a god – and within this obviously still confirming the existence of a god as a concept – and curiously enough – belief in itself.

So,  now we are aware of how within this system, every word that anyone may speak toward another is actually about themselves. Now, it’s not to be self-dishonest and then talk about light and love and flowers to others because of wanting  you to see yourself/ portray yourself in such a nice way, which is how a lot of people is currently ‘functioning’ at a mind level. Talking yourself into positivity is certainly Not the way to walk Self Honesty. It is about becoming aware of every judgment that we may create toward something/ someone, and instead of believing that to be ‘actually so,’ we take it back to self and see where and how we are existing as such judgment toward ourselves. This has been one of the key points I’ve learned through Desteni, wherein we take Self Responsibility for everything we do and say because we understand that we cannot ‘affect’ another but ourselves in any way, so this is how walking oneness and equality practically becomes a point that we then ‘keep in mind’ to always take a moment to ‘watch our words’ for the sake of being aware that what we think/ communicate actually support what is best for all, and not only come out as preprogrammed babble that reinforces some type of mental limitation and judgment that has no-place to be here in Self Honesty.

I am able to write about it and see it for what it is, there are no strings attached toward my parents or sisters on this topic as I now understand how this process o projecting blame and one’s frustration and anger onto others was a common thing without the ‘scolded’ one ever knowing that it was never about ‘me’/ ‘them’ but the person themselves. This is how we see things ‘for what they are’ and break the links/ chains that we tend to create the moment we link experiences and hold those experiences as ‘who we are’ without ever questioning them.

Within taking Self Responsibility for each word we think, speak and how we interact toward each others, we are able to stop all the unnecessary conflict that is created when we become just blabbering fools arguing for our own limitations and experiences without realizing that anything we say or do is revealing nothing else but who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

Time to stop blaming others or being-lame ourselves for buying into words that do not support who we really are. By breaking that retaliation toward ourselves as our mind and toward others in our world, we will stop the current war we are all living in this world.

Perfectionism is an Inside Job!

Per-fact working with what is here to be created/ directed within the principle of what’s best for all – Working in specificity, living in ways that are taking into consideration an outcome that will benefit myself and all equally – there are no inner-guidelines according to my own value schemes based on comparison or fears within that. This is how we can transform our current participation in ‘perfectionism’ to self perfection.

Perfectionism – system word and the familiar imprint.

I read the word perfectionism and remembered the usual talks my parents would have with their friends around the table and how my father would boast about his peculiar traits of being methodic and a perfectionist. He’s cool from the system perspective and I’ve learned heaps from such specificity and efficiency within taking into consideration aspects that make our day to day living more practical – yet a lot is definitely based on fear and an underlying desire for control. Now that I look at the word I see that looking at the ‘driving force’ of this experience is having everything working the way ‘he wants it to be’ and this aspect can consume him the moment things don’t go as expected.

That’s when anger would ignite within him right away – it was a ‘known’ fact that if something didn’t work out the way it was expected, we would have to deal with his bad temper. It’s been cool actually because this past year  I’ve gotten to be more open in talking about how to support ourselves with my parents/ family in general, so I’ve been able to point out in the exact moment when he’s going into anger and frustration for things not resulting the way he wanted them. This has been supportive for him to snap out of it and realize that all the fuzz is absolutely unnecessary and that things have to simply be physically directed without adding any other ‘charge’ to it.

The reason why I’m writing about my father is because I require to apply the exact same points for myself.  I can see myself in him in terms of how we have lived ‘perfectionism’ as literal cage wherein we want everything to be ‘under control,’ wherein we don’t want to make any mistakes which is essentially out of fear, fear of not keeping up with this ideal that we’ve created of ourselves, our ‘reputation.’ I now remembered asking my father in one of these events ‘well, what is it that worries you the most if this doesn’t work out?’ and he replied something along the lines of ‘what everyone will say about it.’ And then he goes into his petulant mode wherein he’s just like a little kid that has been caught in the nitty gritty of what is actually ‘mattering’ within our mind, it’s actually funny because there is no place to hide once we reveal and expose ourselves. 

So, it is about fearing others’ judgments, fearing not being ‘up to the expectations’ which is just an overall fuckup since we then will try and make everything fit our imaginary idea – not a pleonasm but a required redundancy to realize how we cannot become an ‘idea’ that is only existent in our mind unless we actually live it in fact. When living in comparison and caring too much about our general ‘presentation’ toward others, we start hindering our expression and placing a lock to our expression to not get out of the ‘known-safe bounds’ and in that, giving up the ability to express, share, being, speak and act because of caring too much about what others have to say about it.

 

How I have experienced perfectionism.

It started when I was a little girl – kindergarten to be precise and I wanted to be the perfect girl that did everything I was told to do. The moment I deviated from it like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting some boy’s hair, getting scolded and resenting such action coming from the ‘teacher,’ I got ‘stuck’ within the point of never wanting to create such ‘harm’ on to another, the kid started crying after it all seemed like ‘fun’ to me.  That’s the first imprint of ‘being mean’ at school and being reprehended for it. From there fear kicked in and made sure I was doing everything I was told to do out of fear of having to go through that ‘humiliating experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced humiliation out of being scolded without anyone taking into consideration the inner-workings and intentions behind the actions – in this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move from self-expression into fear because of not wanting to be ‘scolded’ again ‘in public’ and experiencing such humiliation which I didn’t know existed at the time, creating a general imprint of ‘fear’ which then became the driving force to ‘do as I’m told’ and be an obedient sheep in class.

In fact, from that moment on any ‘fuck up’ that I made during the elementary school years – like being kicked out of the class for talking too much which only happened once – I felt like the scum of the Earth, I feared to be expelled from the honorable wall of fame at school – losing the grace all teachers and others had – the ‘reputation’ point became quite prominent when being the ‘perfect system’ that does ‘everything perfect.’ In fact now that I see the latest points wherein that word has come up in my reality, I get this icky feeling like fuck that’s just not cool, it’s all ego based – how could ‘accomplishing tasks’ be related to ‘being perfect?’ It all was part of getting to know how to score in the system of rewards – nothing else.

I can only accept Self Perfection as myself and in that, we all have to stand equal and one to it – that would be principles and self-will to be efficient, practical, specific in terms of what will create an outcome that’s best for all. I speak of ‘creation’ because that’s what we are doing here with ourselves and the world. Therefore, now that we understand that all points within creation must be equally responsible, we can see how within being self responsible, correcting ourselves and accumulating words and deeds that co-operate to create a best for all outcome is walking the process of Self Perfection. This then cannot be a mind/ ego-driven move, but a best-for-all consideration that anyone can apply in an equal manner.

The reason why we have become so hooked on ‘perfectionism’ is due to the current system wherein one has to be absolutely ‘fit’ and aligned to its rules to keep going – this is just another survival-mechanism point because the main motive is fear once again. Whether it is fear of judgment, of not having money, fear of loss, etc. we have to take such fears to see where we have placed our value/worth upon.

Walking in this process has allowed me learn how to work as a team for the first time as I used to ‘loathe’ to work in teams, because it would usually mean having other 4 people wanting to be in my team because they knew and I knew I would do it all – yes I would create such a situation for myself and accept to do it all most of the times just so that I could make sure it was done ‘the right way.’ Once again we see that the motivation was fearing it would be a fuckup and believing that ‘my way’ is the ‘best way.’ I have stunned myself whenever I see how cool it is to brainstorm about points to the extent that I can see how funneling everything within the principle of equality can create an actual diversity of perspectives that lead to the same point – yet using different ways and expressions to get there, that’s the cool part.

It’s probably been over a  decade since I started letting go much of the initial hardcore perfectionism I experienced as a child – I mean, when I was around 8 years old if things didn’t go out the way I wanted, I would become frustrated and angry and bottle myself in it only getting to see some ‘light out of the tunnel’ with some support that I would get from my mother at that time, allowing me to see how I was simply able to do the things without having to be so strict and ‘hard on myself.’ I see how I would take such comments like ‘quick fixes’ that she could say in order for me to have like a spoon fed of honey to get past the bitterness, I would not really consider what she was saying. It did support to snap out of it and learn to be more flexible with my own religion. Like if I would say: I go to bed at 9:15 I had to be in bed at that time, no matter where I was I would have to be in bed because otherwise I was breaking my own rules and that was equal to what missing Sunday’s mass is for a hardcore christian.

I created for myself an overly-apprehensive childhood, no one was putting a gun to my head to have set such standards of ‘being the best’ all the time, it was like literal preprogramming running itself wherein my parents never had to bother in asking if I had done my homework or doing exhaustive reviews on my homework. My mother would support me with tools to learn useless data and create questionnaires to enhance the understanding of what I was learning –  that was it.   The drive that I would experience in an almost automated way to ‘be the best one in the class’ was driven by fear of losing my reputation and image toward others.

After these initial years at school I learned ‘the ways of the system’ wherein I simply got to know the ‘rules’ and started manipulating the points to get the desired outcome, extenuating the effort as well.  This is Not Self Perfection at all! Yet from a system perspective it was regarded as such – it was me becoming part of the ones that are able to manipulate things to suit my reputation/ ego. It actually sucks when people build a certain ‘idea of yourself’ and then create all types of expectations of ‘who you are’ and when finally getting to meet you, they eventually see you are just another mortal that is not self perfected – yet.

 

I can also now pinpoint the times in the past wherein I would create this ‘lower standard’ of something I had created even though it was ‘well done’ just to create a ‘safe zone,’ like a margin of error wherein if people thought it wasn’t ‘good enough,’ they would have my initial input of the work ‘not being good enough’ so that they could then measure the end result according to their judgment and my input and create an ‘acceptable average’ from it all. All fucked up complicated value systems – the mind complicates everything and it’s all done just for the sake of keeping up an imaginary standard that apparently can uplift of diminish who we are – it’s not real!

 

From Perfectionism to Self Perfection – the process.

The way to go every time from here on that I experience any perfection-demon kick I  stop for a moment and become aware of what is the driving force within this – what is it that I am actually supporting here and if common sense is not able to be found, we’ll know it’s being an ego-driven task directed to fulfill a certain patterned-idea of myself that is not self-supportive, that will not be applicable for all equally and will only stand as a general bluff within my experience.

Self-perfection is taking all into consideration to the best outcome possible – perfectionism is just ego-driven desires and fears which are the same but just in opposition to each other. It implies then stopping the desire to be ‘the best’ or beating my own standards and self-created ‘records’ to simply continue living in a way that is supportive for myself and everyone equally. That way we let go of measuring ourselves against ourselves and others and feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about it.

“Perfectionism is based in fear – self perfection is based in self creation” – Bernard Poolman

And with that we can see how we’re all walking the process of self creation wherein self perfection is the accumulation of consistent self-application directed toward a best for all outcome.

 

Learn more at: Desteni