Tag Archives: score

179. Apathy as result of High Expectations

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate anxiety and fear when thinking and backchatting myself about the possible outcomes of having to present my work to other people and them assessing that it is not ‘good enough’/ that it is not suitable for this career, that it has nothing to do with what I am supposed to be writing about – without realizing that these thoughts are actually quite absurd when considering how it is that I have created these judgments within me as backchat that I would use in order to convince me that there is ‘no point’ in doing it, within it hitting the excuse and justification of uselessness as a reaction of apathy leading to the cycle of procrastination.

 

Within this I realize that my reaction of apathy and immediate neglect to what is required to be done is in fact me not having been Here as Breath – but instead talking to myself in my mind as all the negative reasons why I would Not want to get this work done due to having to actually Do It. I breathe and go into the next self forgiveness as a reaction to this realization:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and regret as a form of now feeling ‘bad’ about everything that I did and I didn’t do, without realizing that in this, I am only creating yet another experience to cover up the immediate responsibility at hand, which is part of the reactions that I used to justify my inaction and commitment to do things – due to, instead of realizing that it must be done, going into further thinking/ backchat of all the future play outs and the supposed ‘validity’ of the work in itself, without realizing that any writing in itself will be supportive to se me, no matter in which ‘sphere’ of my reality it takes place in.

 

When and as I see myself going into shame and regret for all the time wasted and not lived to give proper direction to myself and my work to be done – I stop and I breathe I realize that facing the consequences of what I accepted and allowed is inevitable – however, going into an experience over it in no way supports and assists me to physically move – thus I stop any point of further self-manipulation to find reasons, excuses and justifications as to why I didn’t move – without realizing that such reasons, justifications and excuses only stand as a further deviation of the physical task at hand.

I realize that I have often used this same mechanism when realizing the points that must be done and instead of simply breathing, stabilizing myself physically here, I go into further judgment and justification as all the reasons, excuses, explanations that I try to ‘give a meaning/ value to’ in my mind, which only stand as a defense to protect my own self interest of ‘not wanting to accept having made a mistake/ having fucked it up’ – as that goes ‘against my idea of self,’ which is precisely what we are walking this process for: to see, realize and expose to ourselves to what extent we are able to lie ourselves continuously in order to protect a mechanism of self interest wherein the ‘who we are’ as the perfect/ ideal I have of myself in my mind, is always ‘spotless’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to place myself as a ‘considerate person’ whenever I would go into the negative backchat and within this considering that my reactions such as immediate fear and anxiety could not remain ‘within me’ as ‘who I am’ which is how I would immediately seek for another point to keep me ‘balanced out’ in my mind, wherein ‘my score’ would remain untainted by this one task I was not directing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within reacting in fear and anxiety to face one single aspect and task of my life, generate a complete callous experience toward it, of seemingly it not being ‘important’ and prioritizing other things in my mind, because within doing this, I would keep myself in a ‘safe spot’ of doing things right, properly, without realizing that even the input/ drive to do other things Instead of physically directing me to get this task done was motivated by my own desire to ‘even myself out’ in my mind, wherein even if I knew that I was not getting this task done, I would then create another task/ activity as a supplement to ‘even out’ my sense of remaining a ‘responsible being’ because of ‘doing this other thing/ taking this other responsibility’ – without realizing how I was in fact being selective within this process in order to suit my needs of self interest, to remain with a positive reputation in my mind at the eyes of other and myself, while deliberately knowing that there is this ‘chunk of things’ to direct and do, and that it won’t certainly just ‘go away’ by wishing it so or positively thinking.

 

When and as I see myself reacting with fear of losing my reputation as a responsible being when realizing I am Not directing myself appropriately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from a defense of my ‘ego’ as this precious thing that I’ve created for myself to remain with a ‘positive stance’ toward people in my world and within myself in my mind, wherein it is no different to talking myself positively in order to create a positive experience for taking other responsibilities and neglecting others that are also important and priority in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But! Instead of doing this work, I am doing that other work which is Also important’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that me doing the ‘balancing out’ wherein I try to even points in order to compensate for what I realize I am not doing, is another trick of the ego to always keeps itself ‘winning’ and ‘on top’ and ‘stable’ and even with a false sense of ‘calmness’ that is like a pill taken to soothe the initial shot of anxiety and fear experienced every time that the backchat ‘I am not doing this’ would be manifested not even as thoughts but as a physical doing of just side sweeping it right away, not giving any ‘second thought’ to actually do it, but simply get on to the rest of the things to do which I have defined myself to be ‘comfortable’ in doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of apathy and general dullness when thinking about doing this written work, as the result of the backchat such as ‘what’s the point for this?’ wherein I realize that I am placing a condition to my movement to do things based on the outcome/ result which is an expectation created according to what I would ‘want’ to get from it.

When and as I see myself thinking the backchat ‘what’s the point for this’ and going into apathy and idleness in that moment, I stop and I breathe  – I realize that seeking for a particular outcome that could satisfy my desire for positive experience is another way to sabotage my self-movement as an unconditional one, as a self-willed realization that this must be done regardless of any result or outcome.

I commit myself to be unconditional in my self movement in the physical regardless of the task I have at hand, as I realize that equalizing myself as the physical is not judging the task to be done as either ‘good for me’ or ‘more valuable’ or ‘less important,’ as I realize that within the assessment in common sense of what I have to do and what must get done, implies a physical consideration of it to be done as part of a responsibility or a practical functionality for myself and others in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in apathy and even defeatism whenever having the backchat ‘ I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others what I have to say here?’  which is rather a product of self manipulation wherein I am giving into ‘thinking’ my doing based on how it will be received/ viewed and valued/assessed by others, making of this future backchat projection ( lol ) a single obstacle in my mind to simply then turn my back on this work, because of me secretly wanting and desiring and still keeping this belief of me having to ‘change other people’s minds about themselves’ through this particular work/ task that I have to complete. Within this it is seeing how I have created my own condition of ‘If I can be praised/ glorified’ within my mind based on the reception this work will get, then I gladly do it’ – but when there is no certainty of this, I then go into a negative experience toward it in order to  create an experience of being ‘not good enough’ and backchatting myself about it, simply because of expecting a reward that satisfies my ego within this all.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others to read/ hear what I have to say here?’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this I am placing a condition to my self-writing, my own physical process of doing things based on a future projection and assumption of how it will be received by others, instead of realizing that I have the absolute ability to simply write within the direction that I already see and realize I am capable of giving myself as the simplicity of opening the document and continuing writing – instead of allowing imagination, future projections, backchat and an overall reaction of uselessness and defeatism to be ‘more’ than myself and my will to move and direct me here.

 

I commit myself to stop going into future projections about the reception and how will ‘others’ read my words and what they will ‘think’ of my work and instead, simply direct myself to physically do it in the moment, as myself – directing-me to do it, regardless of expecting a positive or negative outcome of it, as I see and realize that within trapping myself in these two polarities, I condition my very physical to energy instead of realizing and living out the understanding of how the physical is able to move itself by simply the ‘force’ that I can redefine as self-movement instead of mind-energetic conditions to move that I had imposed onto the physical’s unconditional self movement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I’m wasting my time with this’ as an excuse to instead veer toward doing ‘something else’ – without realizing that the actual wasting of breath-time is whenever I am finding excuses and justifications to not do it, wherein I then create a positive experience of me not doing something based on the belief that ‘there is no use to it’ – thus creating and placing conditions to my self movement according to what I have defined as valuable and what I have defined as ‘not valuable’ and within this separation, actually missing the point of it all wherein I am waiting for something to be ‘productive’ for me to do instead of me doing and directing myself to ‘do it’/ be productive in the moment.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I am wasting my time on a task’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from the inner value-system I have created toward tasks/ points that I have to do based on the experience that they create within me as either satisfying a positive experience in my mind or not, wherein I thus realize that anything that is generating a sense of ‘lack’ or wanting to do ‘something else’ instead, is already indicating that I am at the right place where there is no energy ‘flow’ within the doing of it, and as such, that all the points that come to my mind as something that I would ‘rather do’ are identified as mind-triggers for positive experience, which I must then debunk in order to see how my own value system of ‘preferred activities and tasks’ stems from the energetic experience I get of it , indicating that it is the mind that is seeking itself to have ‘time’ to satisfy itself instead of me as a self directive being directing myself to do things that will not cause me a positive or negative experience, but simply have to be done.

 

When and as I see myself then now attempting to go into a positive experience for ‘moving’ through this procrastination point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that making it a positive experience because ‘yay I am moving!’ is also a mind experience to still create positive energy within this – thus I commit myself to be absolutely clear and stable within me every moment that I go into the positive experience of stopping the procrastination character, as it would be rather futile to now make this stopping another mind experience – lol.

 

I commit myself to live Self Responsibility not only as a physical realization of having to ‘get things done’ but also within the understanding that every time that I give into energy – either positive or negative – to do/ not do things, I am abdicating my self-directive principle to move unconditionally and I am in fact abusing my physical body as every time that I create either a negative or a positive experience through thoughts manifesting either a positive or a negative experience, I am subjecting my physical body to be consumed by the mind that requires always to have an energetic fix which comes through the very physical-consumption of my physical body that is transformed into any of these experiences that I then believe is ‘who I am,’ which is unacceptable within the realization that physical movement is here as breath, therefore, as I breathe and simply make the decision to get the writing done/ to work on it I realize that there is no experience required within me, no judgment toward the task in itself, no future projection or conditional ‘result’ of it required, as I see and realize that all of these are mind-created obstacles wanting to get a positive outcome of it all which create a conflict upon that which can be simply physically done and directed.

 

I realize that the apathy experienced and deliberate ‘not doing’ a task stems from – within various other dimensions that I have probably yet to discover – having a future projection of a positive outcome within it, and within me generating this belief that there is no point to it/ not being good enough/ wasting my time to this. To understand more why thinking exists, listen to these two interviews that are vital in order to understand who we are within these ‘obstacles’ and what we are accepting and allow ourselves to be and have become within it all:

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Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

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2012 Instant Gratification

This is part of the stuff that we share and walk at the Desteni forum, which is how we support each other to open up points that we can cross-reference in relation to ‘how we function as individuals’ within this reality, within a system that we have created as a reward-system wherein we sometimes get to experience ourselves within a ‘game’ of sorts wherein you must struggle in order to merely survive and ‘thrive’ within it, which is the entire pursuit of happiness mechanism that we are induced to by our parents, teachers, school systems, media, friends, society in general as a reflection of how we have equated ‘living’ to ‘experiences’ – commonly associated with ‘buying an experience’ and being instantly satisfied with it, only to seek for more after a while. That’s feeding only the mind’s cravings there.

 

So the following belongs to Cam Mantia in his writings within the forum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a quick fix to bringing about a change in myself to stand as equality and oneness – I realize that the mind moves quickly and jumps from time to time and does not remain here; I have gotten so used to the immediate gratification of the mind that I had forgotten that this reality is currently time based and requires time to play and out and to be lived here in breath.

 

That point of Self Forgiveness opened up the ‘instant gratification points here’ where we have equated this process to something that will be giving us some ‘bliss’ or ‘glory’ as having and experiencing an instant change or have a drive-thru fulfilling experience of stopping a particular pattern or habit. Within this consumerist society, we have forgotten that doing things actually takes space, time and effort to get something done. We’ve become so used to only handing out money in order to get what’s available in the store – and in that, we definitely alienate ourselves from the production process that is behind that ‘finished product.’

 

 

So the mind moving quickly and wanting to get things done asap, is a definitive pattern I have walked and I am currently working with as well, though I had not linked it to a sense of gratification or ‘props’ for my ego until  I started writing about it within a mind construct wherein I have linked ‘effectiveness’ to rushing, wanting to get things done in an almost anxious manner wherein I have not allowed myself to step down a notch from my usual ‘drive’ – which is energetic in nature – instead of walking point by point in the physical, here, at the physical breath pace.

 

The interesting thing is that I tend to judge capitalism and its production mechanisms wherein the fastest something is produced = the better, the quicker, the more satisfying and ‘ultimately fulfilling’ something is, as that is translated to profit and ‘power’ for whoever holds it in such case. At a personal mind-level, I work the same way, wherein being and perceiving myself as ‘fast and accurate’ is translated to feeling instantly and ‘inadvertently’ gratified with having accomplished something.

I recognize that I have deliberately applied myself in stopping any feeling as a the fluffy ego-props this point of ‘efficiency’ can be equated to –  as it is within the application of humbleness wherein anything we do/ say/ accomplish is not taken as a trophy, but seen and realized for the practicality of it.  I had a history of reacting when getting public recognition as in getting embarrassed about it – later on realizing that I was playing in fact the opposite role as well within seeking recognition, which I have written about in the past and how it was the first aspect that Bernard pointed out to me the day I got to the farm, lol that was cool. Since then, I have realized that I can acknowledge these points that I have walked-through and applied, recognize them for what they are and stopping ‘adding on’ to the personal record. This is then living each moment with its realization and moving on – clear- no keeping track of the personal record.

 

How did I get to that realization? Well, we don’ require to keep a record of ourselves as that would be in essence having to ‘load’ an entire lifetime-achievement and keeping it as ‘who we are’ in every moment – which is how the ego is formed – instead of realizing that if there is an actual self-realization, we integrate it as ourselves in the moment, without having to boast about it or make ourselves feel ‘better’ or ‘bad’ for having done or realized something – thus we understand that through self-forgiveness we give ourselves back to ourselves wherein no ‘more or less than’ exist, wherein we equalize ourselves to the points that we walk as our very own living application, which is seeing and realizing that we cannot possibly get somewhere/ become more or ‘achieve’ something in separation of ourselves – there is nothing to ‘earn’ or ‘lose’ – only points to realize and align within the principle of what is best for all.

 

That’s how I realized I was ‘keeping a record/ score’ of lifetime achievements and ‘loading that up’ as the idea of myself – once we stop defining ourselves according to ‘what we have done/ who we were/ how we have lived’ as the past, we give ourselves a blank slate to remain with the basic and supportive points that we have integrated as part of us integrating self-direction as a living-decision.

I also  discovered this when writing out a mind construct – I share some self corrective statements that contain the exposed above:

 

When and as I see myself rushing within my world in an idea of rushing = ‘being efficient’ I stop, I breathe. I realize that this is a copied-pattern within the belief that through rushing I will feel ‘good’ about having done something in the fastest and most accurate way when in reality, I am only ‘playing a game’ against time, against others wherein I perceive ‘the rest’ as ‘slow’ and ‘inefficient.’ I stop following this self-belief of having to rush through everything I do as a point of self-definition that makes me feel ‘good’ about myself/ feel ‘more than’ which are experiences created as a positive thinking within my personal record of lifetime achievements. Lol

 

When and as I see myself doing things from the starting point of ‘rushing’ and ‘getting it done as fast as possible’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that doing things the fastest way is not an actual way of living here as breath at the physical pace, but existing as a constant energetic rush at a mind level. Thus, I direct myself to do things at the pace that it is required wherein I am aware of my movements being self-directive and not out of ‘rushing’ – the same with my breathing-pace wherein there is nothing to ‘compete’ or ‘achieve’ within buying groceries, but simply getting what’s required and that’s it.


Just in case you were wondering about the ‘buying groceries’ point, that’s part of a mind construct on going to the supermarket experience and getting  ‘as fast as I can’ in and out of it in order to achieve the ultimate task of buying groceries in the most ‘fast and accurate way’ lol! There’s a LOT more than what meets the eye when walking a single event through writing in such specific ways as we do within doing mind constructs, it’s fascinating. And this point is definitely related to some of this instant gratification point which becomes our current ‘living in the fast lane’ type of lifestyles, wherein some people have dared to say ‘we barely have time to think’ – but I would say that it is the other way around, we think too much, we consume too much, we rush too much within the almost embedded idea that ‘time is money.’ And just to give another perspective on the self corrective statements, the ‘acquired pattern’ is in relation to taking my father as a reference from whom I have copied this pattern/ habit, which makes it fascinating to see how we acquire all our ‘personal quirks’ from seemingly mundane events like ‘going to the supermarket with my father’ – fascinating stuff that you get to walk through the Desteni I Process.

 

I’ll leave it up to here for now, there’s many cool points that open up when looking at ‘instant gratification’ as the mind’s tendency to seek for quick fixes to fulfill the very programming that we have created for ourselves, to keep ourselves busy ‘up there’ while perceiving that breathing and being here is ‘wasting time’ or that we should be ‘doing something’ – it’s time to walk a process of balancing our day wherein we give ourselves time for ourselves, to write, to reflect on who we are every day, what we participate in and also remaining effective and directive within any physical work/ task that we require to give direction to as part of our daily reality.

 

There’s an entire aspect of the instant gratification based on our consumerist society, wherein we have all become addicts seeking the next fix – and we have to be quite aware that within this process there is certainly nothing to ‘earn’ or ‘accomplish’ that can make us ‘more’ in any way whatsoever. It is essentially only adjusting ourselves to the reality and living-principle that we should have always existed as, and it is only now that we are able to walk ourselves through our writings and Self-Forgiveness in Self Honesty in order to demystify our eternal ego-competition toward ourselves and everyone else that has a mind in this world – within this, we hold the actual power to stop an entire system of profit that is based on satisfying these very ideas of getting experiences as props for our personal score/ ego, as a lifetime achievement of experiences that we can then hold on as ‘who we are.’ We are the creators = we are able to correct chasing after experiences and ‘points’ to add to our board, and within that, stopping the cog wheels that are keeping the current system alive.

 

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If 'Survival of the Fittest' is true, is is the Marketer who is King - Selling the belief that the Freedom to pursue Self-Interest is not Enslavement to Consumerism

This time I feature Jeanne’s creation because it suits our current ‘living mentality’– lol – and the instant gratification point as the fuel that keeps this current system of zombies that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become. The quote says it all

 

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2012 Fear of God

When you are a child and you are told that there is an ‘all seeing god’ that is watching you in every single moment of your petrified existence, what do you eventually grow toward such invisible policeman in the sky? Fear.

I have explained before how my belief in a God as an all seeing guy that could eventually communicate through other ‘delegates’ through mediums – and ventilate my little-secrets in front of my family- became a driving-fear within my every day living. I feared being watched all the time, I would go into a mix of fear, guilt and anxiety for doing something that I considered was ‘wrong’ in the eyes of ‘god.’ More than fear of ‘God’ itself as this omnipresent-omniscient, omnipotent, and even apparently omnidirectional ethereal being that ‘God’ was supposed to be, I feared the consequences of doing/ saying something that would make him mad/ angry at me. I eventually became watchful of my every step and thought in order to ‘not piss off God’

When looking at this point, I can see how ever since I became aware of this god-point and wanting to, in essence, ‘be liked by God’ in order to ‘get a reward back’ later on in my life for it,  I created a personality of being a ‘good girl’ that is accumulating golden coins through benevolent acts and benevolent thinking, just so that I would not have to face the point that I actually feared, which was ‘The wrath of God.’ Hell knows how I even got that idea of ‘God’ being a wrathful being if you didn’t stick to the line of being a ‘good fella.’ However, I stuck to the code and I kept track of my thoughts and actions from the starting point of fear.

 

Even at the peak of me realizing that such faith in God was plain brainwashing, I still held this idea of a greater force that could eventually come back and obliterate myself I one sneeze if I just kept doing everything that I wasn’t supposed to do – or that I would eventually be punished by having hundreds of future-lives living in misery. Fear became the driving force for me to ‘behave well’ and be a ‘good neighbor,’ just because of keeping my own score at the eyes of God.

 

Of course I would not talk about this with anyone – my belief in the afterlife and the white-light beings watching my every step was ‘My secret’ and no one was supposed to know, because apparently I was privileged and special – along with my family – to have such protection which, somehow, in the elitist realms of heaven not anyone could have access to. I mean, I would essentially mock Catholics that would go to church believing that god was in some flour-chip drenched in wine. Yet, I believed in all of these long-ass rants wherein the heaven and stars was given to us in order to keep the faithfully deceived ‘happy’ by being ‘special’ and having this super spiritual protection from the white brotherhood of God- lol. I remember some of those ‘sessions’ at my house with some of those mediums, having to hear a seemingly endless list of names of death people that had been lurking around my house,  that were apparently ‘given light’ in that moment to ascend. The sheer thought of having invisible death beings around me was something that scared me a LOT – however it was all part of the idea that such death souls were lost for a moment and had found some  “light” in our house, LOL

 

 

‘God’ as the reason to Stop Self-Abuse

How I have observed this pattern of fearing God and using God (or Baby Jesus for kids) at least here in Mexico and within the culture that I have seen around me, is using it as the perfect excuse to threaten beings to ‘have good morals’ and ‘act in the right ways.’ As I just explained to this wasn’t the type of ‘resource’ used by my parents in order for me to behave.  My mother would rather use the idea of monsters or any other ghastly creature for the same purposes, and I can say it worked the exact same way.

 

So, here specifically with poor people– which is a great majority in this country –  and people living in rural areas in México, traditions, family and religious values are the basis of their upbringing and education.  Faith and devotion form essential ingredients of their family-values wherein if the mother / father finds no way to show their children why they must behave or do something, they turn to god and use it as an excuse to do as they say:

“If you don’t do your homework, baby Jesus will start crying!”

“If you take drugs and alcohol, our holy mother will start crying”

“If you beat your wife, you will sure have to explain your deeds to our holy father once you are on your way to hell”

And so, people are easily conducted through using God – or any deity for that matter – as a point of fear in order to ‘tame’ human beings to behave well, to do as they are told and eventually become docile beings that are then considered ‘faithful’ because of how supple they have become in order to accept ‘the word of god.’

 

Within this idea of ‘God’ being an omnipotent being that decides whether you live or die, go to heaven or hell, but is also able to give you extra-powers to do stuff that you are apparently unable to do by yourself,  God/saints are used to, for example, stop/ quit a certain addiction.

In my family, people that have drunk for probably half of their life, one day – after a car accident or having someone dying in a car crash due to being drunk, or seeing someone dying of alcoholism – they decided to ‘swear to the virgin that they won’t drink again.’ And I have been amazed by how they do live and respect that ‘swearing,’ which goes hand-in-hand with the same fear that they were brought up with from childhood, wherein ‘God’ as the policeman in the head is the one thing that they respect and obey above all, even above their immediate ‘authorities’ like parents/ family members.

 

And this is not limited to only ‘rural areas’ wherein the catholic roman church holds the hegemony of people’s lives for the most part. In the streets of one of the busiest avenues in Mexico City, one can see painted virgins graffiti-style on the walls wherein messages are apparently given ‘in the name of the virgin’ in order for people – mostly males in this case – to stop drinking, to come home early after work and not take/ indulge into drugs; to keep their money for their family instead of squandering it in ‘gaming’ a.k.a. gambling, prostitutes and buying alcohol or drugs.  And you might think that such an image with those words would have no effect on people, but it actually does. This goes hand in hand with the level of cultural indoctrination wherein in a hypothetical situation, people can be fighting to death and yelling the hell at each other – but if a church, priest or virgin or anything related to their belief could suddenly emerge around them, they would simply stop, appease, maybe feel remorseful for a moment and probably even stop their confrontation.

How come we have delegated our common-sensical ability to stop for a moment to look and realize what we are accepting and allowing ourselves to be and become, only through the belief or idea in some magnificent being that is watching over our heads?

 

Why have we required a savior to exist?

 

The point is realizing how beings that take on points such as stopping addictions by ‘swearing to the virgin’ could essentially realize that they are walking a decision to stop any addiction by themselves, by their own will. However, it is as though they require this ‘God’ idea no matter what, they believe that something ‘extraordinary ‘ is giving them the necessary strength to overcome their addictions.

 

The reality is that each one could easily see that you don’t require the idea of a loving-caring invisible being in order to take on responsibility for stopping an addiction, for example. The only reason why the idea of god/ saint/ invisible force to be the mediator for you to keep your word, is because we haven’t yet allowed ourselves to trust ourselves through proving that we can actually do, say and live that which we say that we will.

 

 

‘God’ is not required to ‘keep going’ through life.

The moment that the belief in God was finally debunked within me, part of the downward spiral experience was because of realizing that I wasn’t living a life for myself, as an actual living expression and self-caring consideration. I was only living a life wherein I could accumulate a great score in order to satisfy ‘God’ and have a kickass afterlife experience that could, apparently, compensate for any bitter taste that I could have experienced while ‘being alive.’ This is how we go living our lives waiting to die, accommodating ourselves and directing ‘who we are’ based on a divine system of punishment & reward which eventually affects all our decisions in this world. And it is absolutely ludicrous to see how if there was no ‘god’ as a police-force within millions of beings, things could be even worse.

However, religion as this ‘untouchable law’ within people is nowadays becoming more ‘light’ and only remains with such ‘power’ in poor, small towns/ cities that are very traditional and still hold a blind-faith toward all-things ‘God.’ Once that money steps in the scene, things change. And proof of that is seeing how the narcos/drug dealers who are essentially poor people that get involved into dealing drugs for the good money it represents, they still hold their belief in a ‘god’ or ‘saints’ – yet what they now do is forging the image or name of the deity of their choice in their 24k gold-bathed guns that they use to give the ‘sure shot’ to someone. Somehow saints are now involved into taking care of criminals, doing the best they can to exterminate those that dare to challenge their heavenly drug-lord business.

 

Prescinding the Policeman in the Head

No matter what cult people are in – they have this authority-figure that they fear ‘letting down’ with their actions/ words and that’s how the bondage of religion is woven.

So, instead of having to submit ourselves as human beings to an idea of such god-policeman in the head, to keep it as a constant reminder of ‘why we should do onto another what we want for ourselves,’ we can simply understand that this it the way to direct ourselves in this world – and live it. Why is there the need to rely on a religion/ belief in order to ‘do well’? Is it that only through beliefs in invisible deities we are able to realize our actual potential and determination to do something, to stop a habit, to become self-responsible? No, and I have proven this for myself.

Once that all the fear of god is gone and there is no aspiration to get to a heaven, what remains is Earth, as grounded as it can be wherein you realize that everything you do, you walk according to what you see/ understand is best for yourself = best for all day by day.

 

The God concept as the policeman in the head, can be prescinded as it serves no purpose other than keeping people bound to a certain religion that is then equated as ‘that which gives them force to continue,’ without realizing that such force is not given by an almighty god, but has always actually been here as ourselves, we just were too coward and gullible to think that we required someone else to endow it to us.

 

Common sense overrides all fears – this is how we walk in this world then, fears are irrational and have no other purpose than limiting our living expression in the moment. We are witnessing how fear has become the actual source of mind control in our reality: we’ve done it to ourselves and it’s time to stop for once and for all.

 

http://www.desteni.org

Check out people’s fears and participate exposing/ sharing your fears and exposing how irrational they are #FEARWEEK

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La Furia de Dios (God’s Wrath) 2005

Vlogs:

Why having a savior is such a great idea?
Desteni – The Little Promise Left – AntiHate 2 – Face Your Fears

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