Tag Archives: self acceptance

537. Comfortable in My Own skin

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Being comfortable in my own skin’ is something I’ve been paying close attention to and looking at with more detail these days, more so in the presence of more people, whether it’s people I know or simply people while walking on the streets.

The physical discomfort I have had is related to being what some might define as being ‘self-conscious’ in relation to how I can be perceived by others, specially to ‘new’ people and that’s been a constant which even if I doesn’t end up determining how I can eventually get to speak towards them, at the very initial moments of interaction there’s been this ‘discomfort’ experienced in my body, which I have also learned to not ‘close up to’ or go completely tense and stiff, but learn to kind of ‘acclimate’ to the situation, to the people. And of course this is definitely not a discomfort that has to do with myself in my own body per se, but has all to do with perceptions and judgments about myself, my expression or the ideas I can instantly create about how I can be perceived by others. However even if I end up reminding myself that I’m the only one that is making up these judgments and get to integrate myself and manage to correct myself ‘as I go’ in a conversation or interaction with others, an initial ‘stiffness’ in my body does emerge, slight but still there and here I’d like to be able to be comfortable within me no matter where or with whom.

Now this is me sharing more of the ‘work in progress’ and over time that I’ve been applying based on understanding the nature of my judgments, projections, beliefs, expectations in my mind that create such physical discomfort, but I can also remind myself that it hasn’t always been like that.

If anything a decade ago I also found my sense of security based on the people I surrounded myself with and alone I would be very much of an introvert with new people or people that I would instantly judge and perceive weren’t ‘my type’ to interact with  lol – I have worked a lot with prejudices, elitism, superiority/inferiority, personality pickiness during the initial interactions with others, I would only open up and be comfortable with people I wanted to talk to based on preference or personality. Eventually I could get to be ok around people, say if I’d see them every day like in school, but in any other social context, first thing would be like a tightness/freezing over wherein I’d just be observing and keeping quiet. And currently I’ve moved more into a point of comfort in interacting after I pass the initial ‘interaction stiffness,’ and this comes as a deliberate decision to make myself part of a moment.

I saw it yesterday when I was suddenly in a room with quite a few people I know in a very sheer manner, and I precisely practiced self-awareness at a body level, being aware of my body, the way I stood, ensuring I was relaxed – no pressures – and also getting to interact at moments which came as a complete decision to do so, because it’s not something that entirely ‘flows out of me’ yet, but it takes practice.

So this also gives me a clue as to how this ‘discomfort’ in my own skin has existed before, and that’s because of how I had always seen myself as ‘an outsider’ for most of my life – lol as a child, I used to think that I had truly been placed in the wrong family, that I probably had been dropped off by an alien or something like that – so figure that out, me growing up with that kind of ‘joking perceptions’ that evolved into an actual sense of ‘not belonging’ or ‘being an outsider’ or ‘being outshined by sisters’ expression’ which I’ve also written about before. And it’s interesting that it’s only lately how I have been finally finding ‘my ground’, more as in embracing myself, accepting myself, valuing myself which then also creates this sense of self-acceptance as a comfort in my own skin, and this is work in progress, will continue to fine tune myself – but it’s quite cool to give a bit of a review of ‘how I was’ before and where I would definitely not want to ‘accept me’ or ‘show me’ to the world, because of judgments, sense of inferiority or this same self-created ‘outsider’ experience, which won’t definitely get us anywhere in life but to isolation, exclusion and eventually missing out on life.

What I’ve realized over these past week in fact wherein I noticed the most discomfort in my physical walk, is that it was all related to perceptions, to ‘lacking’ a company in the moment, to being perceived as a ‘loner’ or simply becoming more ‘judgmental’ towards my own appearance even, which is something I don’t usually struggle with, but as I explained in a previous blog about comfort in solitude, this comfort was suddenly shaken once that I saw myself being walking alone in the streets, which I’ve tested out just today and saw that with the attention I’ve created towards this point of physical comfort and stopping any thoughts related to what causes the sense of ‘missing’, I was quite ok and comfortable in myself, which means, this works.

I also realize to what extent we are defined by memories, because this same ‘discomfort’ was really something I would experience more many, many years ago, it could have remained there in a more subtle manner, but it became exposed again once that my reality changed and suddenly I didn’t entirely establish this comfort within myself, alone, but went back to ‘experiencing the lack’ and so forth, which is also a matter of getting used to it and practicing physical awareness while walking outside.

Now I have to say that writing all of this out in detail in these blogs and so creating an inevitable awareness of myself at a physical level during my days has been very assisting. Today for example I did what I said I would do yesterday, which is to vlog again on YouTube this time alone – no hangouts or other world matters, but sharing me – and that was quite cool to do, much simpler to do than I had thought, and all I had to leave aside was the pretense, the perception that I had to behave in a certain way or portray myself in a certain manner. When dropping all of these beliefs, what came through is just me, as I could probably see myself in a mirror every time I exchange words with any other person, and that’s very cool, it usually would not be coming through like that in personal vlogs, maybe hangouts yes, but this was a cool step for me also to not have certain points of resistance hanging there in ‘waiting’ mode, but I simply walked my decision to start vlogging again and will continue sharing some pointers there for the YouTube community.

In relation to this ‘comfort in one’s own skin’ and particularly how I perceived this expression coming through someone that I perceived myself being attracted to – how I saw it was entirely related to being zero pretentious yet having a dose of ‘character’ in a way wherein one can be expressive yet without any hidden agenda, without trying to ‘impress’ or portray oneself in a ‘superior’ manner in any way, and this is precisely what I want to integrate fully within myself, especially when I am not interacting with people.

That’s the actual key here, because whenever I start making contact with people, it’s like a more or less instant-down-to-earth expression – yes, most of the times, maybe not entirely always, still got to fine tune that – but, when being alone in a public space and there’s zero interaction – like walking through busy streets, that discomfort can creep up and can be probably perceived as some kind of snobbishness in how I ‘carry’ myself lol which is actually coming from an experience of uncertainty in fact wherein in our minds we seek to create a point of comfort through some kind of superiority or ‘self-elevation’ so to speak. And I can relate a lot to this, being uber-serious but more in portraying a ‘do not mess with me’ type of expression, which is also a sense of defensiveness that eventually creates tension in my body and that means, I’m not really ‘here’ expressing comfortably in my body, especially when going out alone and not really interacting with others. Well, there’s also an aspect of being a female walking alone in the streets, but even that, should not really define me, I should not carry ‘fear’ within me while walking either, because that’s still me giving space to fear to exist within me throughout the whole time, and that’s not expression. All I can do is be cautious, without paranoia and take care of myself.

Who I am in fact should not change whether I am alone or with others in terms of my inner-expression so, this is the point for me to continue looking at in real time, but so far as of today, cool progress, less haste as well, more stability in my step so to speak and not rushing as if hell was about to break loose either, which I did a couple of weeks ago, eventually hurting the sole of foot with blisters, so that was a ‘stop!’ indication from my body, that I was still walking ‘in the past’ and perceiving a ‘lack’ as I walked – living in the past – instead of embracing the moment, without memories, which is something also learned from Gian and his experience with his feet which can be seen here.

Ok, so I’ll share as I go other aspects that I go noticing of physical comfort and ‘being comfortable in my own skin,’ and simply to remind how all of this is of course an outflow of walking the Desteni Process and learning to support myself to change, to become the individual that I see I can be and express and so far it’s definitely the solution I see to genuinely becoming the kind of individuals that can create a new world, the change starts within ourselves.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


526. Who Are You Today? Asks Life

What I’ve been noticing more in the past days is how whenever there are points of change in our lives, an opportunity to face new patterns, behaviors, habits opens up at the same time, because change always means stepping out of the status quo where new doors open, some others close and we see ourselves suddenly being in a ‘new path’ where we are there standing in a different position, which at the same time means being in places, circumstances, relationships that might be new for us or that we had not experienced for some time before.

These ‘new situations’ also open up ‘old patterns’ or behavioral traits that I thought I had completely ‘transcended’ within myself, only to now realize that I had simply stopped them because of making of another person, context or situation the ‘pillar’ of such ‘transcended point’ or change within me.

An example is in relation to self-acceptance and self-worth wherein I have had a time before where I was genuinely comfortable about it, then for some time it got replaced with the notion of being ‘accepted’ by others, and when this point of ‘acceptance by others’ got challenged, then I saw myself going back to a previous ‘default’ mode of believing that I have self-acceptance issues, just because of not having a reference as to ‘who’ is ‘accepting me’ currently – as perceived by myself. And it’s good that this opened up because I could see a lot of judgments, beliefs, opinions, perceptions that I had created as ‘self-definition’ towards myself in relation to others and this way, through self-forgiveness and being self-honest it enabled me to take all of those points back to myself, where I am no longer relying on others to live these words as myself.

This is an essential aspect of this process as well wherein sometimes we dislike or even resist or judge seeing certain experiences within us coming up again after believing that we had ‘transcended’ them completely, but we are the only ones that can stop the judgment and instead decide to embrace these eventualities that bring up these points again, because we will most likely face these kind of changes more than once in our lives, where suddenly what seemed like a point of certainty, stability, comfort and self-acceptance can be shattered or ‘burst’ as a bubble completely in one moment, and that’s where the only certainty is having to again check with ourselves and assess ‘who we are’ in the midst of that. If what emerges are old patterns of prejudices, inferiorities, emotional experiences, then what do we know? We’ll have some stuff to work on to align those points back to ourselves, hence the analogy of ‘peeling the layers of the onion’ being applied to this process because that’s how it goes, we’ll face similar or the same patterns according to various contexts and life situations, all of them there on our plate to face them and change ourselves as needed.

It’s only common sensical to do this, because by now I am not conceiving this process form consciousness to self-awareness as a ‘once off’ point of application and believing that I will be transcended about one aspect or points within myself and my mind for the rest of my life – it’s not so. This process is more like a constant process of regular check-ups, alignment and correction within oneself, just like our bodies function where if we once get sick of a flu and we manage to overcome it and strengthen our bodies to be back on track, it still doesn’t mean we won’t ‘ever’ get the flu again.

The same applies to points in our process that rear their head from time to time again, which I am also learning to grateful for, because it’s life pushing us to see, check and ask within ourselves: who are you in the face of having ‘this’ point of stability, self-acceptance or sense of ‘certainty’ shattered? What remains of you if a person, situation or context that you’ve defined as comfort is suddenly no longer there? What do you require to change and integrate as living words within yourself to stand as all of those words for and as yourself, instead of living them ‘through’ something or someone else?

These are the benefits of change and stepping out of a status quo which we can also do through exploring who we are in relation to any seemingly ‘subtle’ experiences we get throughout our day and that’s also stepping out of a ‘comfort zone’, to use these tools of self support to investigate ourselves, our minds, our starting points – wherein there’s no need for an actual ‘external change’ to happen as a form of consequence in order for us to ‘wake up’ and see who we are in it all.

This process of seeing ‘who we are’ in relation to something or someone can be done as a regular preventive measure so as to ensure that we are not defining any aspect of ourselves in relation to something or someone, such as relationships, money, a job position, a particular set of intellectual or physical skills, a particular health-condition, shape and condition of our bodies, amount of knowledge one can have about something, etc.  And that’s how we can then ensure that we can ‘know where we stand’ in the eventuality of having our environment, life situation or general status change in our lives in a relative fast pace.

What remains is always oneself here and that’s what I consider is most valuable in this process where we can take all of the bits and parts we have separated and scattered around in ‘others’ from ourselves and instead look at ensuring that we are our very own source of words to live as an expression of ourselves, as a whole, as one and equal with the life that is within us all. To me these are strength, stability, assertiveness, self-worth and self-acceptance, no matter what.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested interview that can assist you in opening up similar points to this:  Are You Impressed: Impressing Self – Atlanteans – Part 463

 

La Ilusión de este mundo es nuestra realidad

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


421. Art is in the Eye of the Beholder

 

I took this great blog title from Leila Zamora Moreno who gave it as a name for her son’s Cesar first masterpiece which I am going to share here because it’s his first year alive on Earth today!

We got a Pollock coming, people!

Cesar's Masterpiece 1 Year

 

So, I watched a documentary on Marina Abramovic’s work called Marina Abramović: The Artist is Present and noticed how through watching it, I was constantly seeking for some kind of ‘meaningful’ thing to come through, something that could match my idea of ‘art.’ Through writing the self forgiveness I’m about to share, I realize that I had become this constant judge toward anything I’ve defined as ‘art’ and within doing so measuring/gauging it and see if it does match my idea of art as something that can ‘change the world’ and if not, usually I would follow through to judge it as pointless, useless, a waste of time, etc. In fact I had written out a blog about the documentary, but obviously noticed it was filled with righteous comments so as to impose ‘my perspective’ which then of course was a cool thing to do or else I would have remained within the idea/belief that ‘I was right in my assessment’ lol.

I also reacted when seeing people organizing performances and/or artistic creations around an ongoing situation here in Mexico about students having been disappeared/most likely killed due to a political point of convenience for a governor in one state here and then judging this as ‘pointless’ and ‘meaningless’ and then rehashing the judgment of ‘how come I can despise this ‘art world’ so much now and I once was so eager to be a part of it, where was I?’ – so here I go straight to Self Forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, how was I ever involved in this art/cultural realm and come to despise it so much at the same time? Which is only showing the usual love-hate relationship wherein of course any ‘negative’ experience is in fact denoting I still hold a relationship toward art, and as such, it’s all about ME in fact and not at all about art/artists or the art world at all – this is then the point of self-responsibility to expand upon here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience remorse and embarrassment for having ever aimed at achieving an artistic career as I followed my desire to experience something ‘special’ through art and aim at ‘changing the world’ with it, which simply means that I was entirely driven by my own emotional and feeling experience and that this clouded my ability to see reality for what it is and genuinely question whether a ‘work of art’ has in fact ever changed people’s lives to the extent that I thought it would.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge art as something frivolous or useless, wherein by defining it in such way I am then creating a negative relationship to it, but still a relationship nonetheless, so this is about me taking responsibility to ensure I no longer impose any ideas, beliefs, perceptions and reactions toward ‘art’ itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create yet again an experience of disdain toward people that are using art as a way to demonstrate the corruption and deaths of people here in Mexico, wherein now artists are gathering to create portraits of students that have been – most likely – sent to be killed by a high authority in one of the states here in Mexico, and so reacting with the experience of ‘this is utter bullshit’ and so having the desire to just curse at the people that believe that in any way doing a portrait or performance of and for the people that have disappeared will change their family’s grief or would in any way ‘solve the problem.’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this ‘disdain’ is simply a tantrum like experience that comes after one had created certain ideals and expectations upon something, which is why one has such a ‘stance’ toward – in this case – art, instead of realizing that ‘art’ in itself in this case is not aiming at creating a tangible, physical solution, but simply a remembrance that some people might find supportive and that’s up to each person and how they react/interact with such artistic expressions – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hypercritical to anything that has to do with art and aiming at bashing it constantly or whenever I can, which only demonstrates my own judgments and ‘false expectations’ created and imposed toward art, wherein I was trying to make of art an actual ‘tool to change the world’ but I realize that ‘art’ in itself as a manifestation and expression cannot do that at all – self change is and will always be here as ourselves, it is about who we are in our mind and in our actions, which in turn will define our creations as well.

 

I realize that in this, of course I’m missing out the actual self-forgiveness that extends beyond ‘myself’ only but as a human being that has lived in a world where pictures, emotions, experiences are the actual ‘drivers’ and/or ‘fuel’ of our reality, wherein the society of spectacle also involves creating this kind of ‘motives’ and ‘remembrances’ using art as a way to ‘heal the wounds’ or else, without realizing that in essence, art only works at a mind level and as such, it creates no solution to real-reality problems and in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge art for not being what I expected it to be, instead of realizing that it’s only me that tried to make it’ more’ than what it in fact is – in this

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try and fit ‘art’ into the category of a human creation that will in some way ‘change the world’ or ‘change people’s consciousness’ wherein in my desire to ‘fit’ art into this ideal, I’ve actually created such an unnecessary conflict within me, because I see that it is just impossible to do so, because nothing, no object, no image can ‘change you’ but only oneself in actually understanding why changing is necessary and how one can practically do it – in this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so infatuated with the idea of ‘change’ being able to exist within art, which you know in terms of the large scope of what art is, this idea of ‘change’ is already a limitation, a definition that is coming strictly from who I am and what I am walking in my life, which is very much aligned with ‘changing myself ‘ – thus, I have to stop trying to fit the world, fit people’s idea of art into my own.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be gullible and somewhat stubborn in trying to fit ‘my idea’ of art into everyone else’s artistic creation, which then of course leads me to only criticize, judge it, see it as ‘not good enough’ or ‘pointless’ or plain ‘bullshit’ without realizing that I’m judging it from my own point of view that aimed to make of art ‘something life changing and revolutionary.’ Therefore, I realize that I have to STOP trying to impose my own ideas of what art was supposed to be as a catalyst or a way to change people’s minds/lives and instead of trying to measure ‘all art’ against my own idea/belief and perception of what ‘art should be, I have to rather use all judgments as a way to continue checking what exists within me as an expectative or assumption around art, as this is then how I can use art or anything else as a mirror to continue seeing where I am creating experiences and separation from what is here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out the love and hate relationship toward art, which only signifies one thing: there are still remnants of self-definition within me according to ‘being an artist’ or wanting to stick to that profession as ‘what I studied’ or ‘who I was,’ because in a way I still wanted to try and ‘save the profession’ as ‘my choice’ and having done so in absolute clarity and conviction within myself; and so this was my attempt of trying to justify my decision thinking that I wasn’t so ‘out there’ or detached from reality when I chose to study this – but, at the moment I can see that I was in fact not really ‘grounded’ on Earth 10 years ago when I made such decision and that somehow I am still beating myself for it, which is not necessary – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having chosen what I now judge as some self-conceited and self-importance and absolutely self-indulgent profession as ‘art’ which in this is in fact only judging and ‘dissing’ that which didn’t ‘turn out to be what I expected’ and so, I realize that I have gone back and forth within this experience in the past of the ‘love and hate relationship toward art,’ but the problem is that I still tried to ‘suit my idea’ of what art should be in everything that I continue to see/watch and consume as ‘art,’ instead of realizing that I have to absolutely let go of the idea that I once held about art, let go unconditionally of my past choices in life, of my past ‘mindset’ and as such, stop any judgments around this point within me.

I commit myself to see art for what it is: a series of visual or experiential-based objects or images or actions wherein one is challenged to see reality with another pair of eyes and get to see reality from each person’s mindframe and perspective – thus to take it ‘for what it is’ as an individual or collective expression, instead of continually trying to see ‘where or how is this in any way changing the world?’ which is My idea of what art should be and the reason why this conflict still would emerge within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge ‘the past me’ as vain and superfluous for having chosen such a career and now in one way or another wanting to throw shit at it, which is not really acceptable at all, because art as any other action and creation that we do in this world, is part of what we also have to take responsibility for. Thus my way to contribute to it, is not to ‘bash’ something because it did not ‘fulfill’ my expectations upon it, but rather take the words that I had once associated with art / being an artist and live them myself in the way that I see is supportive and best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having said this morning ‘where the hell was I when I decided to study art?’ and say so with a sense of regret and disdain toward me and so toward everything and everyone involved in such practice, instead of realizing that if I did this same kind of reproachment for everything else that I see we have done ‘wrong’ in our lives, I would live in constant reproachment which is obviously not necessary at all as in that, we only trap ourselves in guilt and remorse, instead of focusing on what is required to be changed HERE.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that what’s hiding behind this is me not wanting to admit that it was my own starting point toward art that defined my now judgment toward ‘art’ which is not about ‘art’ but about me and how I was in fact living and acting in a self-absorbed manner and was seeking for the kind of things like fame, fortune, all the money and the ‘good life’ as well as bashing the system while earning good money, lol – so I realize that I have to simply admit to myself the kind of decisions that I made in the past, the reasons behind it and that there is no way that I can ‘turn back time and change my decisions and career choice’ because I do realize that the decisions I made in my past were absolutely ‘congruent’ to my mind-frame, my interests, my aspirations in the past and within this, I have to absolutely let go of me trying to ‘make sense’ of my initial ambitions and desires in life so as to justify them, and try and see them with a ‘good light’ so to speak, which is not really necessary to now super impose some ‘goodness’ to it, because that would simply imply that I am still judging my past life and decisions as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘self-interested,’ which is not really necessary once that I realize I have simply moved on from that phase in my life and my interests and aim in life have veered substantially from how I used to think 10 years ago, which I am of course grateful to myself for as well and for all the past moments that led to this realization.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my dissatisfaction with my past choices upon every other artwork or artist I see and get to know of by judging their work and activity in all possible ways wherein I diminish it to being ‘pointless’ and ‘useless’ and taking this as a ‘fact,’ without realizing that all of these were only self-judgments that I have created around ‘art’ based on my own judgments toward myself and my past.

Therefore I commit myself to stop wanting to impose my idea of what ‘art should be’ upon others’ creations and simply redefine the word for myself to live as the actual creator of my life within the principles that I have established for myself of self-responsibility, self-introspection, self-forgiveness and self-correction as I see that this is what I have realized is the genuine way to do what I always aimed doing through art, which is changing myself and so with that, changing the world – therefore I hereby let go of the desire to ‘change the world’ through art  or attempt to make of art that ‘one point that changes the world’ which is also not ‘the point’ here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a human being desire to do something ‘more than myself’ through objects, experiences, artifacts outside of myself and now judging art for what I believe or assume ‘artists’ are aiming to do, which is another judgment coming from what I used to do with art itself, instead of realizing that art can be used as a bridge for self-investigation, yet it is not ‘the change’ in itself at a massive level that I wished it to be at some point, as I realize that self-change and self-realization cannot in any way be something done through only one action, one object, one image and have an effect ‘en masse’ – there are no magic tricks on this.

 

I commit myself to stop judging art, artists, art collectors, art supporters and everyone that enjoys art and instead see ‘art’ within the realm of any other human activity that we do at the moment which means that everything we are and do is yet to be walked through a process of self-realization and self-correction, which means there cannot be something that is genuinely ‘supportive’ if there is no foundation to understand such support or what would be supportive to ‘change oneself’ or ‘change the world’  – thus I am the one that has to stop seeing art through the eyes of ‘practical change’ and/or ‘practical relevance for self-change’ wherein I then create a righteousness to create ‘negative’ judgments toward it, which is once again falling in the judgmental trap that leads nowhere and in fact then I would support the continuation of separation, reactions, judgments and division in the world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I studied art, I have ‘an authority’ to bash it which is really only playing the same critique conundrum that I have also criticized in the past, instead of seeing art or anything else as just expressions that each one of us will have to take self-responsibility for, for the intent, the purpose and the experience within which it was created – thus, I am no one to judge anyone or anything for what it is, I can only reflect myself upon the world and thus take responsibility for my judgments, my experiences, my expressions ‘toward others’ and always realize it has nothing to do with art per se, with artists or with the artworks themselves, but with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have wanted to control ‘my vision’ about art and so be able to ‘measure all other art’ according to what I had defined as ‘art,’ not realizing that this definition of ‘art’ is not even certain for people in art creation themselves. So, this is once again a point to show how when trying to ‘fit in’ one’s definition upon something/someone, because  each definition is created in one’s mind, it will always be a source of conflict to try and define something that in its nature is not meant to even be ‘defined’ as such, thus I see that my point of control was coming also from self-interest and still wanting to somehow remain with the dignity of having studied something ‘meaningful’ or ‘more than’ any other career, which would then lead me to play a value game that is once again of the mind and of consciousness definitions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still go and see art in the hope that I will find something that is ‘life changing’ which is why every time I obviously come out without ‘anything’ or ‘nothing learned’ because I am seeing it all through the eyes of ‘come on, art exhibit, change me, change my life!’ which is impossible of course, it would be like thinking that praying to the image of a god or a saint will change your life, which is simply a delusion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever been fascinated with creations because I have now judged this as ‘vain’ instead of realizing that just as anything that we create in this world, we can appreciate it for what it is in its physicality and no longer having the ‘artistic value-frame’ with which I was trying to measure it against, as this is once again trying to control and impose my own perspectives and experiences toward ‘art’ itself upon others’ creations. It would be like trying to define which human being is more ‘beautiful’ than another or which tree is ‘more expressive’ than another – it is really pointless and a waste of breaths to be dwelling upon this kind of questions, because ultimately if there’s something in art is that precisely this whole ‘valuation’ scheme is meant to be broken or questioned at least.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged this point as ‘petty’ or ‘non important’ or there being more ‘relevant things to blog about’ but, I realize that due to the actual judgmental view that emerged within me while watching Marina Abramović’s documentary and when getting to know of artists gathering to create something around people that have disappeared through political reasons, it was then a point to of course review and open up within myself so that I can align this one point within me and my day to day living and so stop the judgmental me toward art or artists as a constant source of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have some ‘right’ to judge something because of having ‘studied’ it, which is essentially a belief learned from how our system operates with licenses and such, without realizing that a judgment will always be a judgment specifically when it’s made in an attempt to debase or ‘debunk’ something as to ‘make it less’ in a way, wherein then my judgment becomes in my mind something ‘superior’ to point out.

 

In this the application is actually to ensure that I can investigate all things and keep what’s best, instead of investigating all things, judge and criticize with an attempt to ‘debase’ something and then place my judgment as ‘superior’ which is obviously a destructive and consequential way of looking at things.

I realize that I can use anything and anyone in my world as a mirror, and in this, whichever I may think, believe and perceive relates to ‘another’ is in fact about myself, because I can only think/judge something about someone  if I have judged myself in the same way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I was in fact desiring to ‘take a position’ or ‘take a side’ in relation to art because of the self-definition I have created within and towards ‘art’ which is how one then creates a sense of ‘righteousness’ as in having ‘one stance’ in relation to it, which is all knowledge and information based, it is not at all considering what is common sensical or looking at what’s supportive within something – but instead, immediately putting on the ‘judgmental glasses’ and ‘finding fault’ eyes going into ‘attack’ mode to point out all the ‘flaws’ but all of these flaws are pointed out within the starting point of me already seeking to ‘debunk’ another, which is quite the usual nasty game that we play when we want to impose our own mind/righteousness, what we believe is ‘right’ above others.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question the ‘impulse’ that I sometimes have in relation to wanting to talk about something/someone in an attempt to ‘debunk’ them while still holding a judgment with experience in it as to ‘prove it wrong’ – instead of realizing that I can talk about something/someone without having to resort to taking an antagonist stance toward it, but simply be able to reference it, to look at it in common sense and then  focus on reflecting any judgment back to myself, that’s the only way one can really develop self-honesty, and stop only criticizing things for the sake of feeling ‘righteous’ about something or someone and so justify my experience toward something or someone, in this case, my ‘experience’ toward art which shouldn’t exist at all as an experience.

In this it is to realize that any experience that I have toward something/someone, it indicates I have created a relationship to it, and so it becomes a point for me to take self-responsibility for which means: it’s never about ‘art’ itself, it’s about how I see it, who I am toward it and this is then a much more supportive starting point to look at art and visit art galleries, to see ‘what comes up within me,’ instead of visiting and looking at art from the starting point of ‘proving it wrong’ or wanting it to ‘match my ideal’ of art, which is why all this back and forth friction toward it emerged: it’s all an inside job.

 

I realize that ourselves as human beings tend to seek for answers or ‘find ourselves’ ‘out there’ instead of realizing that everything we require is already here, as ourselves. So in this, I commit myself to stop judging anything that we do/use in order to get to this point of self-realization, wherein I see that art can be used as a tool of self-reflection as with anything else in the world and what we create and do within it. This is where I then have to realize that my process and realizations cannot be the same as others’ and so, I have no authority to judge others’ processes, ideas, beliefs and perceptions – this process is about self-responsibility so here I then commit myself to always see art as a cool point of self-reflection wherein I stop all judgments ‘toward’ art or artists themselves, but rather see ‘who am I’ toward it and use that for my own process of self-honesty.

 

I commit myself to integrate the realization that everything that I judge or criticize in a judgmental manner is and only has to do with myself and the relationships I have created toward something/someone in my past, and so I can only look at things/people objectively where I can first identify if there is any reaction, take it back to self wherein I see the origin of such judgment toward it, do a self-reflective analysis on it in order to support me in common sense to immediately realize: I am imposing my past definitions upon this moment here –  and so I then focus on seeing, watching, reading and participating in anything related to art for what it is – no hidden agendas allowed within me.

 

For a review on the documentary:

 

What life can be

 

 

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Day 41: “Knowledge is Power"

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become a knowledge-seeker wherein I deemed that I could get to be ‘worthy’ through accumulating knowledge and information that would enable me to ‘judge the world/ others’ with sufficient ‘cause’ as I had equated knowledge = power as power over others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately accumulate knowledge as an ‘attribute’ that I CULTivated in order to be able to ‘worth’ myself according to the accumulation of knowledge and information that I used as ‘ammunition’ in order to be able to always have answer to everything, and within that, being able to ‘win’ at all times for giving the correct answer and feel ‘good’ about myself – in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program me to become a knowledge and information sponge in the name of my personal benefit wherein I ‘knew’ that it would then not matter that I wasn’t accepted according to being a ‘suitable image’ in society, but I could be recognized, valued and worthy according to the knowledge and information that I decided to accumulate as a long-term inversion, wherein I could then get to ‘win’ over others through such knowledge and get people to value me and admire me according to the amount of knowledge and information that I could accumulate throughout my lifetime in my desire to become a ‘knowledgeable person’ that would be respected for ‘always having a bright opinion’ as the idea of who I wanted to be, as the one that could write about others and in that, having power even over those that were creating original-works (in writing/ art) as I could then use the ‘power of knowledge’ as words in order to either bash them = make my ego grow through feeling good about ‘bashing another with knowledge and information’ – or enhancing their ego through using knowledge and information to validate and justify their work according to my own knowledge and information reference.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without knowledge, I would be a ‘no one.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever having suffered because of realizing that I had spent a long time accumulating knowledge as my own ‘inversion’ that could give me some profit in the future, as I expected and had directed me to become a ‘critique’ of reality, arts, culture and in that, thinking that I was ‘on the right path’ because of all the amount of knowledge and information that I had filled myself up with while growing up.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue perpetuating a system that is basing a child’s education only on knowledge and information in various ‘sectors’ that are in no way considering that the skills and abilities of each human being differ, and that knowledge and information without actual application is useless.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my role/ position as being a ‘opinionated person’ that could bring up knowledge and information as a means to create an ‘impact’ that could place me upon others and in that, getting my positive experience for being praised whenever my teachers would say ‘oh you always have the answer’ or ‘what Don’t You know’ which would always place me in a position of mixed embarrassment and feeling good for taking that as a compliment, which means that I would mask the ‘good feeling’ with a ‘negative experience’ in order to not seem as conceited with knowledge toward my fellow classmates.

 

I forgive myself that I ever allowed myself to take for granted every breath that sustained my personal pursuit of power through knowledge in place, using my physical body as a container of data that I could access whenever I would get the opportunity to ‘dazzle’ someone with my ‘wits’ and ‘win’ over something/someone by ‘knowing the right answer,’ which is how I allowed myself to become only a single personality that accepted that ‘being intelligent’ and ‘knowledgeable’ was ‘my place in society,’ and deliberately neglected any other activity that had nothing to do with arts, culture, books, intellectualism at its finest, within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deify myself as knowledge and information – which is energy of/ as the mind – and defying my own physicality every moment that I gave my power away to thinking and seeking to be ‘more knowledgeable’ believing that the ‘answer to life was there,’ and never considering my very own breathing-ability as the real life-giver, despite the evidence that knowledge and information and all intellectual in this world have only done one thing: thinking about the world, not living.

 

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel like the ‘queen of the world,’ when winning spelling contests and ‘beating males’ in the contest, as that apparently made me ‘super intelligent’ and making me feel better for having ‘them’ below me, which gave a specific sense of power as the knowledge and robotic task that spelling represents. I realize that the moment that I sought to win, I was fully participating in the same pursuit of triumph that I have cultivated my entire life, and that has been linked to me wanting to be recognized and valued according to the knowledge an information that ‘I possessed’ as a way to be recognized within society for that, as I deemed that I only was ‘good at’ mind-related work, but not physical world – and yet believe that I was ‘on the right track’ because

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a world-system wherein knowledge is paid more than actual physical work, which is a point that I have criticized of the system as to why people that are above in the hierarchies are paid extensive amounts of money, while only giving orders and sitting around all day – while people that would do the actual work to keep the money system in place get paid close to nothing, which I deemed as ‘absolutely unfair’ yet, I was aiming at becoming a part of the people that earn a lot of money for thinking and not doing much, which proves the double standards that exist when one thinks that ‘my job is to have opinions about reality and intellectualize it’ and nothing else, which is diminishing my entirety to become nothing else but an archive of knowledge and information that has no practical-living experience, but only gets paid for/ is recognized by all knowledge and information that has been accumulated in order to be able to use it to ‘talk about reality’ without actually being a part of reality as in physically walking the world-system, but only staying at the comfort of my own mind that gets money out of thinking reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that whatever I could see in another was ‘the reality’ of such person, as all that I was seeing was their mind according to my own mind without really taking into consideration that all that we have ever been is the accumulation of manifested consequence as the effects of the primordial separation from who we really are as life into energy – which means that anything that I could perceive, believe and think another to be, is only me viewing myself according to my own ‘frame of mind’ as the frame that I have limited myself with to never Live, here as a physical being, but only live through/ as my own mind – believing myself to be the knowledge and information that I accepted as ‘who I am’ while growing up – within this, becoming my own set of knowledge and information in separation of  my physical body that doesn’t require to be judged/ assessed/ defined/ given adjectives to in order to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to stand in front of the mirror and judge my body through the eyes of the mind as the eyes of that energetic consequence of separation form myself as my physical body, which implies that I would always see me as ‘not good enough’ / ‘flawed’ because of who I had accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my own mind’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard every single cell that allows me to breathe, to move, to drink, to eat, to walk, to interact with my environment wherein all of this time I had deemed it as just ‘dead flesh,’ which is an absolute insult as the only thing that can end up dead is the physical consumed by my own continued and deliberate participation in the mind. I realize that the ability to direct myself as my mind is absolutely possible – therefore, I allow myself to stop thinking and simply approach my own body for the physicality that it is, instead of diminishing it to being subject of my own judgments that exist only in the righteousness of who I am as my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-righteousness based on the certainty that ‘who I am is my mind’ and thus, cultivated my own mind in order to make of it a long-term investment that I could later on ‘use’ as a means to obtain money/power in this world as an ‘intellectual’ which was part of the aims I had toward my life, wherein I certainly abused my body due to using it only as a knowledge-carrier and allowing me to simply exist to deify knowledge and information, while neglecting and separating myself from every breath that I took for granted throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever invest endless hours improving my own mind as to be able to ‘judge’ reality with proper tools and ways to always ‘win’ and have ‘the ace’ under my sleeve – which means that everything that I CULTivated throughout my life was consuming knowledge and information that I kept/ stored in the future projected belief that ‘I will someday need it’ and in that, locking myself into the future as knowledge and information, while neglecting my very physical body and taking every breath for granted, because all I ever thought myself to be was ‘a thought,’ an idea/ image/ presentation toward others only  – where was I? Lost in translation, accumulating knowledge and information that could apparently make me ‘more’ and ‘more worthy’ than others. In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate knowledge and information as a means to always have ‘the answer’ and having stored it in means of always being able to ‘win over others’ which means that I trained myself to become nothing else but a lie-brary of useless knowledge and information in order to always ‘be right.’

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become a knowledgeable elitist or intellectual, wherein I sought to satisfy my own personal enjoyment of talking to ‘like-minded people,’ which means that all I wanted was another pair of ears and mouth in order to regurgitate the same knowledge and information that I was fond of,  and call that ‘affinity’ and ‘same interests,’ when in fact the only interest was me asserting ‘who I am’ as my own mind, as my own set of knowledge and information that I then created an energetic experience toward whenever another is able to relate to it, which means that anything that two people may have experienced – apparently- about another was in fact only about self as the mind getting confirmation from another mind on similar self-created programming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop kinship toward specific people in my world according to how I had judged them as ‘knowledgeable,’ ‘intelligent’ and ‘well read,’ which were qualities that I actually thought about myself, but never accepted it as ‘who I am’ out of wanting to be ‘humble,’ and in that, simply seeking to be part of a group/ circle in society that is only looking at the intellectual aspect of reality, philosophizing and having endless conversations about how ‘know it all’ we were – and Not focusing on the actual reality, which is how I became absolutely oblivious to the world for quite some time, while seeking to CULTivate knowledge as CULTure in the name of personal power.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only get along with those that had similar mind-cultivation and egos, which means that I sought and aimed to ‘get my spot’ in society along with ‘like-minded people,’ which is the foundation of separation and elitism through only becoming a part of the social-networks that we want to be a part of based on who we are as our mind, instead of regarding life as the physical practical living as the actual bond that can be in fact extended toward any other human being, by virtue of realizing that we all have the same body, the same systems inside in common which makes us all equally dependent from the Earth to live – within this, realizing that knowledge plays only a role of self-definition in means of separation as a way to continue competing and believing that ‘there is not enough for all, we must excel to be able to get it all’ – and in that, agreeing to only be the rats in the cage that always seek power, self-gratification and apparent ‘control’ over others through ‘knowing more/ better.’

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I have never in fact lived a relationship with another, nor myself as all that I had deemed myself to be was my personality, my ego as my beliefs, ideas, preferences and general ‘view’ upon life, which is knowledge and information that I absorbed through my parents, through school, teachers, classmates, TV, family members which are the places wherein I asserted ‘who I am’ only as a daughter, a student, a cousin, a niece, a friend and growing up with the same idea of myself according to such social roles, plus the ‘professional role’ which is what I decided to be/ become based on wanting to continue satisfying my own ‘exclusivity’ of ‘who I am’ as knowledge and information, which means that the choices I made in life were only based on self-interest according to what I wanted to be and become based on ‘who I am as my mind,’ and never ever actually considering ‘How can I prepare myself to become a being that supports the environment/ the world-system to become a best-for-all outcome where life can be unconditionally supported?

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge others for their ‘career choices’ in life wherein I never dared to question myself and my career choice/ choices in life due to me being simply hoping and dreaming that the world would end and I would not have to study/ become someone in the system – and/ or simply hoped that I could become someone ‘famous’ in the art world and suddenly be having enough money to live well without a regular job – yet neglecting taking all the practical steps for that, and as such only existing as a believer and hope-keeper that ‘good fortune’ could come my way out nowhere, which is the consequence of having always only thought about reality, but never actually living it.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge that I always ‘was right’ and everyone else was simply ‘wrong,’ wherein I allowed myself to live a life of a ‘secret agent’ of my own Secret Mind, wherein I developed a constant paranoia of fearing that people would always only approach me out of convenience, and not genuinely approaching me because they appreciated/ wanted to spend time with me – without realizing that in a energy-seeking reality, all actions are directed through/ as energy – wherein only if we remain here in every breath through and while directing ourselves with others, can we say that we have in fact heard /interacted / communicated  – otherwise, it is simply another ego-inflation machine that is only viewing everyone as ‘enemies’ and potential ‘threats’ to ‘who I am’ as my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and perpetuate a world system wherein people are divided according to the knowledge and information they possess, which is another form of control and instigating survivalist-fears according to ‘not being well educated = less chance of making’ it through’ which means that we have valued an education as knowledge and information above the right and ability to have a dignified life that all should be endowed with by virtue of birth – wherein those that never had access to knowledge and information that is remunerated as ‘education’ within this world are simply numbed out of the equation within this reality wherein ‘the more knowledge you accumulate = the wealthier you (can) become.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spite my own life with pursuing a profession wherein an actual practical interest to make this world a better place for all was never part of my plans, as I always sought to do it ‘my way’ wherein I could have all the ‘right intentions’ to do so, but never considered entering the system and changing it from within, which proves how through knowledge I valued and thought that I could ‘make it’ without having to really work on it and become a part of the mechanism that can change the way things work/ function in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question why and how come we as humanity in a world system value knowledge and information above life, wherein out education is based on acquiring knowledge and information that prepares us only to perpetuate the same system of knowledge and information that gets remunerated as a way to sustain our own ‘ideal’ of reality through money, which is having “created” a reality based on thin-air, just like our current monetary system that is based on knowledge and information, but not on actual physical living that considers all life in equality.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is through knowledge that I separated myself from the realization of who I am as one and equal to another, as knowledge is assessing others in separation of myself, while neglecting the very substance that we are all equally made of, that doesn’t require to be ‘defined’ and ‘assessed’ in separation of myself, but simply self-realized as who and what I am as oneness and equality of life.

 

I commit myself to stop any form of disregard toward the very breath that I take in the name of becoming only knowledge and information that can be ‘valued’ by my own mind and ‘others’ minds as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to stop placing any form of worth and value toward another and myself based on the knowledge that I/ others possess, which is the very first step to get out of my mind and into the physical body that doesn’t require knowledge and information to function and nurture itself, it simply requires me to support myself at a physical level, using knowledge and information that is practical and supportive in the immediacy of its application.

 

I commit myself to stop the war against my very own body, my very cells,the entire conglomeration of beings that I have disregarded at all times while focusing on improving my grey matter of brain that I deemed is ‘who I am’ and valuing myself only as knowledge and information which is in fact, that which will cease to exist – as knowledge can never be life.

 

I commit myself to prove that no knowledge and information has made a difference in this world and that it has only created and perpetuated the ‘gap’ and difference between humans beings according to ‘who we are’ as a mind that is able to accumulate knowledge and information as an inversion that gets rewarded in this world system where money rules and the physical is only abused to keep perpetuating such fallacy.

 

I commit myself to expose how knowledge and information is sectarianism in society as it exists now, because we have denied the ability for all to have equal quality education, which means that knowledge must be a practical means to support life in Equality and this must be the basis of a new educational system that can be beneficial for all beings equally.

 

I commit myself to create a world-system that values LIFE only and uses only knowledge and information as a means to give and receive what’s best for all, which means that life won’t be at the service of knowledge any longer, but stand equal and one at the service of life, wherein no more hierarchies are created out of ‘knowing’ because there won’t be any special reward toward knowledge, but simply using it as a means to benefit humanity and improve the quality of living in all ways.

 

I commit myself to expose about this reality being our own crafted mind control wherein we have valued knowledge and information above life and how it is imperative to stop supporting the same mechanisms of conflicting reality within our minds and instead, getting into practical living reality where physical living solutions must be integrated as part of any form of education that is truly aiming at creating a world system that works for all in equality.

 

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What you are in your mind won't pravail - wake up

What you are in your mind won’t prevail – wake up! (2008)

 

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A great interview that explains how we are in fact having this process on a golden platter and how crazy people manifested on this world – and  how it is vital for people to listen the Desteni message in this reality.

2012 Self Acceptance

 

We have defined ‘being accepted’ as fitting into the cookie-cutter role-models that we have been taught will lead us to that state of ‘satisfaction/ happiness/ fulfillment,’ wherein we would finally be able to be at ease with ourselves. Being accepted ‘by others’ has become the way for us to usually define self-acceptance – yet it doesn’t have anything to do with how we look, how much money we have, how others see us or even who we are in relation to others.

 

In the beginning was: Separation

It is as if the starting point for us in this world is lacking any form of ‘completion’ as the realization that who we really are is one and equal. Because this is not even considered as one of the basic platforms upon which all education should be placed, we are instead ‘trained’ and inserted within the world that we identify more with a race track than an actual living-ground, only to someday – maybe – get to the finish line wherein all the ‘glory of the world’ will rain down for us.

The starting point for every single human being at the moment is having to manage to ‘get to point A to point B’ wherein for some this implies managing to survive from one day to the other with proper living conditions such as food, water, shelter, clothing – some don’t even get that and some others could afford getting 10000 times that.

This is the world that we live in and within this, self acceptance is conditioned as part of the system wherein all attributes/ additives/ toppings that we use to build-up ‘who we are’ as our personality and ego, will play a definitive role in how we perceive ourselves, how we judge ourselves which eventually become our own projected judgments as ‘how we think others see us’ – which is something like agreeing to play in our own ‘wall street’ roulette as individuals in society, wherein our value will go up or down according to the amount of shareholders we’re able to ‘trap’ with our presentation, our personality, our ‘traits’ and within that, how much of that we eventually become as ‘who we are,’ forgetting any common sense realization of the very basics that stand here as the physical body that we all reading this are existing as.

 

How I walked this initial perspective of ‘self acceptance’ was through looking for relationships, which is mostly propagated and constantly ignited by the media and society, our family and immediate circle of interaction. We learn how we are only ‘someone’ if you engage in a relationship with another human being, which is masking the entire impulse for sex as the usual ‘rite’ to be an active member of society, to be a part of the hype of the world without ever, ever questioning WHY this is so until now.  This is how we then get trapped into the quest to reach such  fulfilled/ happy and apparently satisfied self-experience because of having someone that would approve of ourselves as ‘human beings,’ to eventually quench this thirst that we call ‘living’ as a bundle of experiences = this is NOT what life is.

 

From this, we can see how we have never even known what ‘Self Acceptance’ is, simply because the common place to go to when looking at these words implies not having been living from the starting point of what should have been an inherent part of our education/ upbringing, as the identification/ recognition of who and what we really are as LIFE, as One and Equal. The fact that we have to talk about the very basics of understanding who and what we really are and getting to the point of Self Acceptance as Life, as our physical body here, implies that we have been living in absolute separation from Reality, creating an IDEA of ‘who we are’ which is limited to a certain personality/ego that we ‘wear’ as who we are in order to continue playing the game of seeking this acceptance outside of ourselves – or its reversal/ polarity effect of ‘rejection’ which works in the same way and requires the same effort to ‘keep up’ such stance.

 

There is ‘something missing’

We all have experienced this in one way or another in our lives, we seek all forms of distractions as relationships, friends, drugs, books, music, seeking role models that could embody the idea that we then believe is what ‘being comfortable in your own skin’ would be like, taking only the ‘image value’ that we can get through how we see others, how we believe it is that they are – without ever in fact getting to know what is going on inside such human beings.

We then consume the image-value of what being accepted ‘must be like’ – In my case I associated this mostly with women in your regular alternative music and rock scene from the 90’s wherein I saw the type of strength that I would like to embody, simply because of having been ‘teased’ for being ‘too vulnerable’ as a child – hence we can know that whatever comes as a point of acceptance through wanting to cover up for the a previous accepted and allowed idea of self, is just another ‘suitable character’ as a façade – or even defense mechanism – that can only last for as long as the energy toward it is there.

 

Pseudo-Acceptance

Everything that we ‘become’ as an ego/ personality requires constant food to maintain – just like any other mind-possession that can only last for as long as we continue thinking  – lol, common sense but! it still happens that we don’t even realize the very basics of our self-torturing applications of continuing thinking and feeding all the experiences. Thus the same goes with this pseudo self-acceptance that I experienced wherein I felt more ‘powerful’ for a while while having just covered up with black the previous idea of myself as being ‘easily hurt’ or ‘easily fooled’ – too gullible so to speak. Within this I can see how it was only a temporary mind-job to fix myself for a while until I realized that I had created myself in such a way only to gain a false-sense of strength based solely in an image, which is how I then got to be accepted by others,  having a ‘place in the world’ built around a comfortable spot that I created as a point of contrast to what I would see in my reality.

 

This began within being in a family with other three women – mother and two sisters – wherein I simply vowed to myself not to become like them, which implied avoiding embodying the idea of being what I have judged as ‘social butterflies’ as having this natural ability to be charismatic and liked by people. Within becoming aware of myself as the physical image I see in the mirror, I started developing judgments and comparison toward them which lead me to feel like the odd-part of the entire family, and specifically of the ‘trio’ that we were as sisters.

The moment that I saw myself as unfit to ‘be like them’ and walk the same steps – as well as not wanting to be in the same type of ‘lifestyle’ they were into – I began reinforcing the construction of this safe-boat as the ‘alternative’ one wherein I ensured I had no competition, wherein I didn’t have to create an entire ‘struggle’ within myself in order to keep up with any form of expectations from others/ family/ society according to ‘who I had to be’ as part of my family. I can see now how it is a form of bailing myself out of the unspoken competition through shifting the paradigm of who I was supposed to be, and in that, ensure that no matter what, I’ll have a ‘different spot’ and regard for daring to ‘be different.’ I took this as some form of pride now that I see it, wherein I would then believe myself to be superior to them for having opted a ‘different lifestyle,’ for having dared to leave home to study abroad and other various things that I have defined myself as.

 

Thus, I placed all my effort to create myself as the opposite/ alternative one and in that, I created a form of comfort. I even got to desire being a boy at times, just so that I would not have to deal with the ideal of what I deemed as ‘girly’ type of personality that I judged my sisters for, wherein all the points of self-judgment would form this apparent impediment for me to not be able to stand simply equal and one as myself, but instead ‘opted myself out’ out of such form of unspoken competition by transforming myself into something else. I would then dress with baggy clothes that could resemble an idea of myself as a non-conventional woman at least. 

 

It’s interesting now that I look back at it, I deemed as ‘more valuable’ to be accepted/ liked by others even if not embodying the usual categories of people that would be accepted/ liked by others with particular image-presentations that I had used as a reference point to contrast myself to = becoming the other side of the same coin. We can only take pride on something that we have deliberately created in order to uplift ourselves from a starting point of perceiving ourselves as ‘less than’/ inferior to from the get-go, and in that such ‘superiority’ I developed as judgment in my mind became part of the usual stand toward family and the world in general, thinking that ‘I was right and everyone else is wrong’ which I have also discussed in previous blogs. This is then the entire set up  for that pseudo-acceptance through using personalities to cover up the actual fears and competition games I denied being a part of.

 

So, this became a point of ‘satisfaction’ because of achieving my goal of ‘not being ordinary,’ without ever realizing I was playing the exact same game, yet having killed all possible opponents by default. That’s also probably the reason why I mostly had male friends, so that I wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with comparing myself to other females – aside from the early teen experiences when I was briefly part of the ‘popular girls’ which seemed too fake for me to deal with, yet I would still see myself as the ‘odd one’ in the picture, literally, which is when I stepped off the bandwagon and created ‘my own way.’

 

A safe spot for Self-Acceptance: get rid of competition

So, that’s how I became ‘me’ and stopped having to deal with any form of perceived rejection from the type of girls that would be in my school at the time, also because I would not agree or even enjoyed everything they wanted to be/ do like flirting, clubbing and the whole lot of things that I simply couldn’t force myself to do just to remain in that circle. So in that, I didn’t ‘bother’ with wanting to be accepted any longer and became a different character so that I would not have to try and fit in.

That’s when I stopped going out with them altogether and resorted into my own world of music, painting, reading and writing some existential woes out alone. Not that I see either point as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just looking at how I withdrew from such relationships from the definitive starting point of existing within/ as that particular judgment. I guess I ‘didn’t know better’ because of that school being mostly designed to create a particular type of people that I already knew I didn’t want to become – which is your regular capitalist/ leader type of mentality, the ‘winner’ all the way; in a way I wanted to remain as condescending as possible to all that could not fit into that idea, hence becoming the ‘outcast’ myself.

I must recognize that even the choice of career shifted in that point wherein before – around the age of 14 I wanted to be come a financial adviser/ economist or any other career that would ensure I could earn a good amount of money. The moment I created the shift I’ve described thus far, I went for a more ‘bohemian’ type of ideal lifestyle wherein my dreams would still be that of wanting to be recognized/ famous yet from a completely different perspective. 

 

Seeking similar-ties to be ‘accepted’

Eventually the way to accept myself within such a self created character wherein my self-esteem was already diminished and existing within a starting point of seeing myself as ‘inferior’ to the rest of the world, I eventually got to create friendships and relationships that were equally ‘low self-esteemed,’ people that would also appear as if ‘everything is fine’ and appear mostly ‘confident’ within themselves, while in fact inside we were all just quite a bit of a wreck at the time.  When getting into these friendships/ relationships I thought I had found ‘my place in the world’ within the labeled ‘outcasts/ rebels’ in my reality. I guess I was willing to live like that for the rest of my life.

Through this time, I would simply accept that I had ‘low self esteem’ and in that, got along with people that could complain openly about their physical body not being fit – me saying ‘it’s fine’ – yet never daring to open up my own secretive struggle with it as well. So, the point is not to say ‘it’s fine’ or being condescending about any form or image, but getting to the point of seeing where and how we have created such an idea of ourselves – based on who/what, seeing where such values exist.

That was my ‘escaping’ point so to speak, wherein once that we see ourselves/ step ‘out of the game,’ the only thing that’s left seems to take ourselves to the extreme of such self-accepted ‘disqualification.’
Self-Acceptance as the actual physical-equalization never really crossed my mind at that stage, because of the extent that I had neglected my physical body as something I could get to appreciate.

I eventually discovered the fuel that the entire relationship entailed in order to be accepted by others. I realized that I didn’t want to be ‘liked’ for having particular looks and resorted to ‘my own style’ wherein I made sure that anyone that would be ‘interested’ in me, would not see only the image of myself, but would like me for ‘what I am’ which was what I deemed was ‘the real me’ as my mind/ ego/ personality that I had created with such detail and attention.  Fascinatingly, it was doing the exact same thing that I had judged about others in terms of building a particular self-image in order to enter the market, so to speak.

In that, I used myself as a point to ‘catch’ a particular type of people like friends/ relationships and: it worked – it’s not that difficult for us to see how the system works and how to get what we want we have to become it and like-attracts-like, which  is definitely how we work/ function at a mind level. In all of this, where was myself as that point of self-acceptance as my physical body? Nowhere to be found.

 

I lived the ‘accepted by others’ type of acceptance which eventually lead me to live in perpetual fear out of losing such people in my world, because of the idea of myself that I have built of myself toward them as that constant ‘fix’ to keep me ‘uplifted.’ This fear became unbearable at some point,  I would definitely get possessed/ obsessed at an emotional level because I had not actually learned how to accept myself, be with myself, enjoy myself, alone – and for that, the last stages of that crumbling idea of myself came to a final point once I got myself into Desteni and had specific feedback of how I had belittled myself in the following words: 

¨Participating in thoughts, anxiety and fear towards others ‘affairs’ – meaning making your concern about others towards you your own – always worried about ‘your place/position’ within other’s world – fighting to maintain a ‘place’ or ‘position’ in others’ world instead of being comfortable with just you here, alone within your world of you.

So – stop fighting inside yourself, being worried about what others ‘think’ of you and whether you still have a ‘place’ / ‘position’ in others’ lives from the perspective of them still ‘accepting you’, still ‘needing’ you and still ‘wanting’ you.

When are you going to start accepting you, being comfortable with you within and as you – instead of chasing after others, always existing in worry and concern of whether you still ‘fit into’ other’s lives?

Fear of being independent Marlen, fear of being comfortable with you, accepting you – still needing others to accept you, instead of you being acceptance for yourself.

                                                                                                                           – Sarah”

 

This is a cool moment to share this as it’s been quite a walk after almost 4 years of this message being like a ‘bucket of cold water’ to wake up from my constant worry about this point toward people in my world in that moment. That’s when I decided step out of such relationships and began walking the process of ‘self acceptance’ wherein I experienced the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ from not getting such a ‘fix’ from such relationships, simply because they had become everything in ‘my world.’  That’s been ‘the’ point within my process wherein I neglected myself to the extent of not being able to see beyond this relationship, hence fearing the person that I was in a relationship with  would find someone/ anyone else wherein I would see myself as not ‘fit enough.’

That’s how I existed in terms of depositing any form of self-acceptance only through the eyes of another, according to ‘who I was’ in their world.  Ending that particular relationship was the way to ‘get back to myself’ at the beginning of the process – and the rest is history.

 

Walking Self Acceptance

I began applying myself in the process of standing one and equal as my physical body wherein I became aware about the secretive constant strive I would experience in relation to the judgments that I held about myself. I simply had to face this full on at some point in my process while having to openly burst out and accept the fact that I had been judging myself extensively and not really standing as one and equal as my human physical body.

That’s when I realized that I have to first accept myself as my physical body to get to that point of equalization required for any living being to be able to stand within the ‘greater picture’ as a self-realized being = equal and one. This could not possibly be done if existing within such self- judgment – and this is something that is still being walked. I mean, we have to see how we have programmed ourselves throughout our entire lives – in my case from as young as 5/6 years old wherein I became quite self-conscious about body image or my image in general, which I was never fully comfortable with throughout my life. I could say this is an ongoing process wherein the moment we write more about it, more layers open up which is cool and revealing how writing out supports in clearing up the pipes that might be clogged with memories that are still ‘there’ and not really brought up to the surface to ‘face.’  It become ‘clearer’ as we go along how we go constructing ourselves in our life according to seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that end up defining an entire façade that we end up becoming without being aware of ‘how we got till this point.’

It’s fascinating because I could see myself having judged this current culture in terms of all the effort – or even sacrifice – people take on in order to look a certain way, yet we all play that same game in one way or another, until we realize what we are doing to ourselves and stop.

Right now it’s very clear how this equalization at a physical level is that necessary self-agreement, after having had all of this struggle with myself in a quiet mode, wherein I could easily talk about others doing it, but not accepting I was living it out myself.

So, this is an ongoing process and there is nothing else to do but to walk the process of realizing that there can not be anything or anyone else that can decide ‘who we are’ or ‘what we are’ other than ourselves – and in that, we stand as beings that are no longer having to exist as a point of contrast in relation to that which we judged or avoided to become like. Instead we walk the necessary process of Self Correction in order to exist here, in simplicity – breathing, walking and dis.covering for the very first time what it is to LIVE without having to play a particular character in order to fit in.

 

Take this opportunity to do so as well.
Thanks for reading.

 


 

www.desteni.org
 

 

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