Tag Archives: self-agreement

520. Self-Accountability and Tough Love

Or understanding and realizing the necessary nature of applying ‘tough love’ in order to honor our own lives and that of others in the name of what’s best for all.

Many times while being in relationships we lose track of our personal self-agreement and where we stand in personal principles and self-support because of perceiving that a relationship is an entity created between ‘two individuals’ – and yes in normal relationships this is how it goes where a lot of compromise and fears as well as positive experiences can be defined through the sum of two individuals existing ‘for each other’ and depending ‘on each other’ completely at an emotional or feeling level – which means at a mind level. However within this process from consciousness to self-awareness the notion of ‘relationships’ is redefined as the creation of an agreement where one or more people agree to support themselves to be the best version of themselves and do whatever is necessary to align themselves to the principles of life, of equality and oneness, of self-honesty and self-support.

Therefore it is about ‘who we are as individuals’ in a relationship where it doesn’t matter if one in the relationship isn’t aware of this process from consciousness to awareness, one can establish a self-agreement with ourselves in honoring these principles and ensuring that we work with our self-change and self-responsibility, honoring one’s life first and foremost.

This means that one’s personal point of focus should not be on what the other person does or doesn’t do to support themselves but instead, what defines us as individuals in the relationship is where we stand all the way in it, who we are in our lives, our principles,  how we work through our own patterns, how we apply our points of change, how we confront situations of conflict, how we are willing to let go of a righteousness and ego in order to recognize and so change one’s own faults and problems. And yes, at the same time decide for ourselves if one is willing to and is able to stand in a relationship where one knows the other person is not supporting themselves or standing in a principle of self-support at the very least – that decision and choice becomes part of our self-honesty as in seeing what we accept and allow ourselves to live with or not.

Here focusing on myself within the creation of a relationship, I found this point of personal accountability or ‘self-accountability’ to be quite supportive as in ‘keeping track’ of myself, who we are, what I’ve done or haven’t done in my self-relationship of self-support.  

In past relationships I would condition ‘me changing’ according to ‘others changing too’ or others showing or demonstrating that they were also doing their part, which becomes the perfect recipe for spite and developing an extremely conditional nature in our minds where the focus is on ‘others’ and not on oneself at all. Therefore this time I decided to not condition myself according to ‘another one’ and instead stick to my self-agreement where I can be able to recognize where I am reacting, where I am not defining me and my change in relation to ‘the relationship with another’ only or re-enacting past relationship patterns; and in general where I am conditioning my own point of change in relation to others changing as well or others looking into ‘their own problems or faults’ too, which is also a covert point of blame and ‘focusing on another’ only instead of entirely focusing on oneself.

Here I share this as a cautionary tale so that one takes into consideration not creating this kind of spite and expectations within a relationship where if one is holding the other accountable first and focusing on what another does or doesn’t do to then decide to change or not change,  the whole point of self-accountability and self-responsibility becomes null within oneself, because then we turn our focus and attention into blaming others for not doing their part, for not changing, for not living up to our expectations, and that’s definitely a point of self-dishonesty for the person that is keeping the finger pointed ‘at others’ only, but is not focusing or even willing to look back to self first.

What I’ve learned to do is to focus on myself entirely – and no, this is not ‘selfishness’ as it might be perceived, but a basic aspect of self-responsibility and accountability within a self-agreement within which I decided to step into the creation of a relationship with another. Therefore this allowed me to work every time on letting go of my expectations of what I wanted the other person to do or be for myself – yet also speaking up whenever something was very obvious to be opened up for their own awareness and self-work. At the same time, I had to also be considerate of another’s life, mind, characters and ‘ways of being’ that I learned to adjust in quite an effective manner – though also of course being ready and willing to draw a line whenever something is out of the agreed best for all and self-supportive habits and ways in our shared living.

This latter point of ‘drawing a line’ whenever one sees that a basic principle of committing to self-support in a relationship that is established at the beginning of a relationship is not being followed through, is what might be defined as ‘tough love’ where one is willing to be first of all accountable to oneself and so another in the sense that: in self-honesty and within the consideration of what’s best for all, allowing the other person to face for example the breakup of a relationship as the best way for them to realize what each one is doing to themselves and how not following through a self-agreement leads to consequences or results that are compromising for all individuals involved.

This outcome of applying ‘tough love’ is a necessity and an aspect of establishing an agreement – either with another or alone within oneself as self-agreement – where if the basic points of self-responsibility, self-honesty and self-support are not being lived in thought, word and deed and is causing consequences for each other’s lives, then one has to honor the starting point of the relationship redefined as an ‘agreement’ between two or more – and so all parts can agree how it is best to let go of the relationship in order to assist each other to face the points, the aspects where we didn’t stand up in it all.

It’s just like any contract or creation of a society as well or ‘team’ that exist to create, build, direct, expand, work on something – and if the basic functionality of this is not existent then it simply makes sense to dissolve the union and work on an individual basis to strengthen and change the points that led to the failure or inconsistency in the joint process.

This might seem like a harsh move or ‘insensible’ because of not considering people’s feelings but that’s exactly what we have to stop blinding ourselves with if we are to truly honor our lives. It might also sound like not being considerate, not being patient or not being lenient enough– but that’s also where self-accountability is a great way to measure ‘who we’ve been’ within the whole relationship or point of creation in our lives.

For example in my case realizing that I have in fact developed patience, consideration, flexibility, unconditional support, doing to another what I would like another to be an do for themselves, working to stop my own expectations, stopping being so exigent, being less controlling (yep still working on that one!) and be able to reference all of it with another who also in self-honesty would be able to recognize what has been done or hasn’t been done by each one in the relationship.

Therefore what I’ve realized is that what might be initially perceived as ‘tough love’ is from my perspective a very necessary measure to apply to allow another person to understand the nature of self-creation, to understand the consequences of not living up to one’s utmost potential and that includes of course myself first of all, where I can also see and become aware of my own points of compromise, my choices, my decisions, assessing ‘where I am’ and ‘where I am going next’ which yes would be directed to a supportive outcome and potential within a relationship. However this is precisely what I have to leave clear for myself and so share here as a general reminder for anyone reading: there is a vast and visible difference between seeing a ‘potential’ in a relationship and in one another and living such potential or actively working to become that potential and having physical reality proof of that in thought, word and deed as the nature of who we are at all times.

This is how in personal accountability, we can establish our own clarity to see who we are, what we have done or haven’t done, who we’ve been within an entire point of self-creation and hold ourselves accountable for it. This ability to ‘see ourselves’ and recognize our pros and cons to self-creation and be determined to acknowledge them is the essence of truly loving ourselves, caring for ourselves and so another – so that we can acknowledge it, face it, understand it and commit ourselves to work on it. This is the essence of this process and the essence of living in self-agreement within a relationship.

Based on these principles, whenever we see that reality is not ‘adding up’ to the self-agreements established at the beginning of a relationship, where the relationship itself can become a comfort zone for both individuals to not genuinely change and step out of the recurring patterns of self-diminishment in our minds and lives, then it is necessary to end such relationship in order to honor our lives, our individual processes and potentials, to be of more ‘good than harm’ in having to face ourselves individually rather than together which is an outcome that varies from context to context and all based on each one’s decision – and I’m here sharing it to have the courage to do so whenever it is needed and consequences are knocking at the door.

What is the benefit? What does one ‘gain’ or ‘gifts’ oneself from holding oneself accountable and so another in that agreement or ‘redefined relationship’? The gift of responsibility, of acknowledging our creation, of owning our creation, of developing integrity, self-respect, honoring each other’s lives even if that means having to separate to precisely understand the consequences we create for oneself and another if we don’t stand by our self-commitment to change.

This becomes a living statement, making it clear to one another that what’s best for all is to continue working on such self-agreement as self-support yet no longer within a relationship.

This is where one has to step beyond the self-interest of ‘keeping a relationship’ where compromise exists and where we might ‘hold it all up’ based on fears of letting go or settling to a point of ‘least effort’ in oneself in order to truly stand in that absolute self-agreement within oneself and so in relationship to others.

This is how then within Self-Accountability – which implies being able to take responsibility for one’s life, in self-honesty from beginning to end of our lives – one has to make decisions, to take charge of one’s ‘destiny’ and not leave it to the hands of hope or fate or even ‘potential change’, but directly act and do what’s needed to truly own our creation, to understand the consequences we are creating for ourselves and others in our lifetime and be able to stand in a position where it’s only ourselves, individually, that can decide if we fall or if we stand up – but not any longer ‘trapping’ oneself and others into consequential outcomes, such as it happens in any relationship or joint project, work situation or anything else where instead, each individual can assess their situation and therefore understand when it is best to ‘go back to the drawing board’ in order to be most effective in working, living, sharing oneself with another and standing in that self-commitment to be the best version of ourselves and so to each other in this lifetime.  

Here it is also where one’s personal self-interest is overridden to living principles, where a relationship or partnership, friendship, any ‘joint effort’ with others that is not resulting in a best for all outcome can be assessed and either worked on individually or cease to exist as such if the proof in physical reality is showing that it is not leading to a visible and tangible point of change in who we are in thought, word and deed.

Ultimately how I see it is that each one of us will have to walk through ‘tests’ of who we are in our lives: are we life or are we in the mind? Do we decide to settle in for a point of compromise and self-limitation and eventual destructive consequences or do we decide to stand in self-honesty even if it means having to ‘give up’ something that we find very comfortable and supportive in ‘some’ aspects  of our lives? That’s what I defined as the eye of the needle in my case, that one ‘point’ that we have defined as our weakness, our ‘tough points’ to walk through where we face a seemingly difficult choice: our mind or life, our personal interest or what is best for all?

What I’ve found is that even if it means having to cause some perceived ‘undesirable outcomes’ for my self-interest, what prevails in me and what I decide to always stand for is life, and life takes no ‘middle ways,’ because I know for myself how ‘full-fledged’ one has to be in terms of taking life seriously and living as such in thought, word and deed. Not about knowledge and information here or ‘pledging alliance to life’ as an ideological orientation – that’s what the world is filled with and shows no change at all. Nope.

This is about demonstrating with our whole being where we decide to stand in our lives, who we decide to be in every moment of our lives and yes, I know it sounds very challenging or even absolutist, but it is only common sensical to set the bar so ‘high’ for oneself considering how long we’ve been living in personal recycling processes of doing the least effort, repeating the same mistakes, leading ourselves to a path of self-destruction, of irresponsibility, dishonor and plain inconsideration towards our very own life.

I have expressed many times in my life how I want to change the world, how I cannot accept the ways in which we’ve existed in this world because it’s quite evident where we’ve gotten ourselves to in such repetitive patterns, habits and ‘ways’ of our human nature. Therefore life itself embedded in ourselves and our very creations leads us to find ‘who we truly are’ in our choices, in our decisions, in our stance – and I am quite committed to continue being accountable to myself because at the end of the day, it’s not about ‘fulfilling my mind’s desires’, it’s about the person I can live with for the rest of my life, the person that I can fully stand with every single breath of the way and that’s precisely the one person I can only ever truly change and take responsibility for: myself.

This is the marvel as well of this process where even if we would like to assist others, to give an ‘opportunity’ of self-change for another, to provide the necessary tools and environment to ‘give themselves a chance,’ it can only ever be supportive if the person decides to do all of this entirely for themselves as well and take it seriously all the way. Otherwise it won’t stand and one will be left as the ‘person that tried to save another that wasn’t willing to do it for themselves.’ I’ve definitely have had enough of this pattern so: till here no further.

Some ‘tough love’ is necessary for me to integrate in my ways of supporting others, not only in relationships as ‘partnerships’ or ‘agreements’ as defined within this process, but with every person that I am in contact with through familial bonds, friendships and relationships of self-support within this process as well. That’s the best I can do to honor myself, what I’ve figured out I am able to do and stand as for and as myself which means: if I can, others can do it too.

Thanks for reading.

Lastly a great quote from an audio I’ll cite here:

 

“…so many of us face in so many different dimensions of (being) afraid of speaking up, afraid of saying what we see, afraid of really being direct and sometimes knowing you have to be hard and intense and show some tough love but not be afraid to lose the person. Because I think, actually you know what happens if you don’t do that? You do actually lose the person, and you lose yourself because you’re losing them to the mind and you’re losing a part of yourself because you’re not being honest.” Sunette,  Compromising for Love (Part 2) – Relationship Success Support

 

 

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507. From V-Day to U-Day

 

I read the following quote by Sunette Spies today and I see it as a very important message for all of us to consider in days like today where Valentine’s day has been for many – including myself in the past – a cause of anger, sadness or despair for not being in a relationship, which is definitely not necessary since we all have the ability to redefine how these global-celebrations are lived by each one of us so, here’s her quote:

Yes, today is Valentine’s Day – the 14th of February – globally. I reflected on this day, even with being in a relationship. Looking at the symbolism of the letter V, inspiring me to do this post and also a video soon to come!!! The following opened up for me:

Transforming V to U – V-Day to U-Day. What does this mean?
Even if you are in a relationship – you are still an individual….This is something many forget, neglect, don’t consider or simply haven’t looked at. Being an individual means YOU as who you are as an individual person choose, and every day essentially chooses to share yourself, grow, commit, learn, enjoy, built, create etc. a relationship and / or life with another. In this process, it becomes 1 + 1 = 2: one individual + one individual = a relationship. A trinity is formed. Two INDIVIDUALS creating a relationship.

eVery day should be V-Day and / or U-Day!!! We redefine then the ONE Valentine’s Day we GLOBALLY SHARE as a GLOBAL CELEBRATION of oneself as individual and / or one’s relationship with one’s partner as I do know there is also family days, friends days etc. that are globally celebrated.
YOU CAN OWN VALENTINES DAY!!! In a way of defining and celebrating it for yourself as you see fit – rather than in any way being emotional, judgmental, allowing yourself to go into comparison of others etc.

My message to all this day is: OWN THIS DAY!!! Define and celebrate it in a way that SUPPORTS and EMPOWERS you as a person and how you live. In the end, what will matter the most is your integrity, love, care, consideration and regard as a person towards yourself and others…

MUCH more to come in videos soon to be posted! Enjoy yourself this day as much as any other day…you are ALWAYS WITH YOU!!!” – Sunette Spies

 

Based on this, I’d like to share on the importance of this self-relationship because many times we come to accept and allow the belief that our happiness depends on being with another in a relationship, and sometimes we might even get to live out that type of experiences only to in the end see that without the person, we are still with ourselves and no matter if we are in a relationship or not, what remains is self, here, that we continue to live as and with.

I know, it sounds almost ‘weird’ to say that the first relationship we should establish in self-agreement is with ourselves and that means precisely walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness, self honesty and self-support, having ourselves as our starting point, reason or motivation for it.

Through walking this process for myself, and over time and through the various relationships I’ve had with partners, friends, colleagues, one thing is certain: change and I have been there before in my life where ‘the end of a relationship’ would mean ‘the end of my world’ for some time and it was usually very hard to step back on my own two feet, precisely because I was not focusing on first creating a relationship with myself, in essence living for myself, appreciating me, enjoying me, supporting me first and foremost.

I had mostly lived out a pattern of ‘being there for another’ and through that ‘completing myself’ which is definitely not sustainable, it was not healthy for myself or for another because that’s how dependency is created in relationships. I learned this the hard way, but through walking the Agreements: Redefining Relationships Course while I was alone or without a partner in my life, it assisted me to ground myself in understanding how no matter if I was alone or in a relationship, the focus of support was still on myself. It assisted me to precisely understand what this Self-Relationship is and throughout the whole course I got to see how a relationship is in fact a sum of 2 people, not ‘me completing another’ or me being ‘fulfilled’ by another, I got to see how no relationship that is supportive can last when one is not existing in that self-agreement to support ourselves first.

And this is how the word agreement is used as a way to define relationships where one person in self-agreement, in their own self-relationship can walk with another in the same self-agreement and self-relationship to then stand together and create this agreement of two individuals, a redefined-relationship in fact.

In doing this, one is also better equipped for whichever outcome is in a relationship, no matter the hardships, obstacles, starting overs or break ups. For example, if the relationship ends, sure there is the whole process of having to part ways and get used to being alone again – however this is a much ‘smoother’ process as well when one has a cemented relationship with oneself in self-support and self-honesty, wherein in that self-support and self-agreement one has lived within a relationship, no matter if the other person is no longer there, what one does for oneself as self-support doesn’t change, what one has grown and learned from the relationship remains there as oneself, how one has assisted and supported oneself in practical terms in one’s life and at an emotional level doesn’t change if the other person is no longer there.

Of course there are changes in terms of activities done by both in a relationship and any other practical arrangements in day to day living, but those changes are also able to be faced with more stability, strength and determination when one has already realized that, as Sunette explains, no matter if one is in a relationship or not, we are always with ourselves and that is something that is very cool to understand in the depth that it implies, because then we don’t depend on something or someone else for us to develop ourselves, to grow as people, to change the ways that we know we have to adjust in ourselves, to develop a genuine care for our bodies, our mind and so our lives and plans in it. It is always up to us, regardless of being in a relationship or not.

It’s interesting how we’ve come to accept a notion of ‘void’ or ‘lack’ if one is not in a relationship and allowing it to be a part of self-definition that is usually seen as a ‘lesser value’ or ‘in the waiting for it’ – when the fact is that in doing so, we are suppressing or not looking at the relationship that is by far the most important one in our lives: with ourselves, because no matter ‘where’ we are or with ‘who’ we are, we are always with ourselves and it is ourselves that we will genuinely ‘be with’ for the rest of our lives, which is great as well to realize ‘no matter what’ I always got me, my support, my words to live and my life to continue expanding on.

So, I can wholeheartedly recommend assisting oneself through the Agreements Course, specially if you can identify with what I mentioned earlier as the ‘who I was’ previously in relationships where I would literally lose my ground whenever I had to end a relationship and I’ve found out that this doesn’t have to be that way, one can decide to not give into those patterns and instead strengthen and rekindle – if you will – the relationship to oneself, because it is quite liberating at the same time for oneself and for others to not make ourselves dependent on others to live in self-fulfillment, in self-enjoyment and self-support, wherein we can decide to look at life through the eyes of owning our creation, owning our time of the day every day.

Therefore it is up to us then to instead of going into reactions like sadness or fatalism for being or not being in a relationship ‘with another’, I’d rather say: focus on the relationship with yourself because it’s with you that You’ll live with for the rest of your life, it’s your body, your mind the one that you’ll have to ‘stand through’ and with until your last breath and if we haven’t given to ourselves that actual love, care, consideration, support and enjoyment of who we are as a person, as an individual, alone,  then how can we expect any other person to ‘give it to us’? That’s how love turns to hate which Is what I have explained in a previous blog if you want to check it out.

I suggest embracing yourself and realizing how we are not really ‘alone’ as we are always with ourselves – and at the same time it is also up to us to expand our definition of relationships to others in a supportive manner, expanding this self-agreement in our relationship with any other person is certainly a suggestion here as well, so that no matter ‘what’ goes on in our lives and paths, we always have our ourselves as our own ground, our starting point of self-support, our own self-care and self-love, and in turn be able to give it to others as a genuine expression of ourselves, not as a ‘need’ or ‘lack’ or ‘convenience’ of sorts.

That’s definitely the kind of human beings I’d like us all to be, to be able to stand alone and be self-caring, self-fulfilled individuals that can join paths to create something of support together for ourselves and for others  – yet can function as units or ‘stand alones’ in an equally supportive manner. That’s the real equality equation of 1+1=2 and that’s what I want to continue practicing being and standing as in my life and with others in my life.

Thanks for reading,

Enjoy

 

Artwork001 color 2

 

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2012 Self Forgiveness: How-To, Why, What, Where, When?

So, I’m watching Desteni videos – I am going one after the other looking for the ‘magic code’ that I can use to essentially deprogram myself now that I’ve understood that we have been preprogrammed Mind Consciousness Systems and we require to do something about it! I definitely don’t want to remain just as another ‘consciousness robot’ that’s not living, but only killing time – What do I have to do? – Where do I find the way out? – What’s the secret?’  these were my thoughts 4 years ago.

Initially I got so freaked out by watching the videos and hearing the words ‘STOP THE MIND’ so many times, that I feared ending up in like a vegetative state. I thought that this process was simply impossible and wondered how on Earth will I go on through my life with ‘No Mind’! I admit here that I was very gullible, that’s probably one of the reasons why I indulged into so much bullshit (spirituality and conspiracy theories) that I researched right before getting to Desteni. With having this ‘background,’  I didn’t take into consideration what was actually meant by ‘stopping the mind,’ and only allowed myself to get into what I now call ‘the whiner experience’ wherein I created a turmoil of thoughts, giving up on myself even before I started. This was due to this process being seemingly  impossible at first glance: ‘too much’, ‘unbearable’, ‘How will I do this?’ – It worried me for a while, lol, all part of the same mind-experience created within myself.

Within this state of enraged-pity, I sent a message to the guys at Desteni explaining my situation, how I was literally ‘losing my mind’ by realizing that I had to stop my mind – and wondered how will I live, what will I be? Etc. The reply that I got from them was, to my surprise, of such simplicity and obviousness that I literally laughed out loud while reading it, as I realized how usual this experience had been throughout my life: it was my mind throwing a tantrum, the mind’s defense mechanism to not have to go through this process = it’s not who I really am as life the one that’s complaining! So, this point became an initial realization: stopping myself from being the whiner. Ever since then I have shared that video with anyone that experiences the same point of it all being seemingly ‘impossible’ to walk through, only to realize that it’s the mind’s survival mechanism kicking-in and literally crying out for help when realizing: we’re about to debunk its kingdom.

Once I got over my initial reactions, I simply continued watching the material.

Self Forgiveness ?

I constantly heard the words Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness, Writing, Breathing, Self Corrective Application in the videos, which I inferred was ‘the way to go.’ I began assessing my then ‘values’ and ‘stance’ toward such words.

I was a ‘pro-Honesty’ person within the understanding of what ‘being Honest’ is/means in the system, which could have been like declaring war toward another being or country in a ‘rational and logical’ manner, and be considered as ‘being honest’ by ‘speaking the truth of their intentions’ without ever considering what’s best for all in such words/ decisions. I had considered myself to be a ‘frank person’ within those parameters, not really considered ‘what’s best for all’ in such a honest self-created idea of myself.  So, this is how I began opening eyes to what SELF-Honesty was, which made sense to me in every bit of it.

Writing was something I had been doing at the time – yet definitely using it as a reinforcement of my own personalities wherein poems or lyrics to songs I never sang would come through, lol – in essence, I wrote to form and shape my personality, just like a sculpture that I was busy creating of myself as a nice idea that I could wear. Those writings became the ‘code’ so to speak, wherein I would reassure to myself ‘who I was’ and why I thought in a particular way, why I liked or disliked the world.  I didn’t really write to get me out of my self-created‘hole,’ but rather reinforced it and justified it as ‘a way of living.’ This was all I would write about at that time.

When realizing what the process consisted of, I understood that this had to be developed in order to ‘change the world.’ I had no problem in directing such points into a ‘one and equal’ understanding, but… Self Forgiveness? All types of judgments went on inside me along with the usual questions like: ‘Why do I have to forgive myself?’ ‘Why can’t I just ‘let it go/ stop it?’ – ‘Isn’t that a religious thing?’ – ‘Isn’t there just another way to do this (process) instead of having to write out this format-like sentences to correct myself?’ I was very skeptical and even went to the extent of fearing ‘deprogramming myself,’ fearing getting to a point of having ‘no control’ over myself = essentially fearing becoming a ‘self forgiven drone’ lol, without actually realizing at the time that I was already Not ‘in control’ of myself and that I was a mind-driven being that had never actually lived.

We tend to get overwhelmed by the sole idea of having to forgive ourselves for everything that we’ve lived-as thus far and forgive ourselves as the entire world for that matter. This was only an initial mind-experience that we then fear ‘getting ourselves into,’ because it just seems ‘too much’ and we go into self-pity experiences of ‘I can’t possibly do this’, I went through a breakdown due to having to let go of my ideas of there being a ‘quick fix’ to this reality, or even some type of God existing to which I could ‘connect to’ and get to a ‘greater self-experience.’ This was all part of the mindfuck that was required to be stopped in the first place.

So I said to myself, I can’t go on as I am we’ve got to stop the world and for that we begin with ourselves. At first it seemed really petty to have this as a reason to do so, I still held secret desires on a magic wand doing the job for me wherein I would only have to ‘apply self forgiveness’ as in writing it out and the problem would be solved – later on I found out what it really was all about.

I got my shoes on, let’s walk this!

I went on to the forum just to see what Self Forgiveness was after spending the first weeks just trying to get used to the idea of me applying Self Forgiveness – initially it seemed like a repetitive drone of words wherein I would have to go through every bit of my memories, my ‘life’ and apply Self Forgiveness for it. It seemed extensive, in my mind there was like an immediate ‘No way! That is impossible’ within forming ideas of having to then spend the rest of my days applying Self Forgiveness non-stop, lol. That’s the ‘extremist’ aspect of the personality I continue exploring through writing and stopping within this process.

After reading the very first examples on Self Forgiveness by Jack, I sat on my bed in the afternoon and began reading. I saw myself in the awkward position of reading along those statements aloud for the very first time in my life. . I probably even blushed to myself, even if I was absolutely alone, it was just so ‘not me’ to be forgiving myself considering that I had lived as a self-righteous person that thinks, believes everything I do is ‘word’ and cannot be wrong. The single act of sitting down and reading self forgiveness was an immediate humbling moment, it was already being like a hand grenade blown toward my ego: it was about to be blown up for life.

One of the first points that I walked through self forgiveness was exposing the mind’s limitations and fears and any other emotion/feeling attached to beginning this process in itself. I literally had created this surreal scenario of ‘me walking process’ wherein I saw myself as a zombie passing by ‘regular people’ on the streets and simply having to remain ‘blank’ the whole time. Nope, that was my own misconception that was later on part of my own fears blowing Process out of proportion – laughing at it was a cool way to shed the point off and simply get myself to start writing,  committing myself to myself to life no matter what.

WHAT?

Okay, so… what is this supposed to do now? I’m now free from god? from the female ego? and I’m now Self Honest?” Lol, my first ideas on Self Forgiveness were linked to this being a process wherein I would be doing some type of magic spell by simply stating the words/ writing myself out and having it all ‘cleared up’– let’s say that the entire aspect of having to Live Self Forgiveness wasn’t really understood at that time. So, I decided to apply the point of being unconditional about it, I had nothing to lose.

I proceeded to first start writing a point out to see ‘how it worked’ which was working with the most prominent experiences I had in that moment. I wasn’t even participating that much at the time in the forums, I just focused on setting this foundation for myself, because I knew this was the way to walk the process, to stand up for life and finally stop my mind – I ‘knew’ it, yet it had to be walked and self-realized.

I noticed how at first it all seemed so repetitive – ‘Why can’t I just say ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself’ once and then just name the whole list and ‘get over with it’?’ – I was still looking for the ‘fast and accurate’ way out of it, took some time to grasp what I was actually doing as ‘Forgiving myself’ after applying the usual ‘fake it till you make it’ wherein words don’t seem to mean anything – and in fact, they won’t! Unless you Live them. This was the ‘aha-moment’ that I had to walk and discover for myself through the actual application of it in time.

I must say that the judgment toward the word forgiveness remained even after a while into writing and process. To me it was like a silent-cringe inside me whenever I would hear myself forgiving myself, because of having these concepts of religion and priests and the entire religious-construct along with the word ‘forgiveness.’ It was just plain icky at the beginning.

Key-point here: I hadn’t applied Self Forgiveness for judging the word Self-Forgiveness in itself and clearing out the associations toward it. I had to see how the ‘awkwardness’ was linked to this memory of that one and only time that I ever ‘confessed myself’ to a priest, which remained like a very bitter experience in my life, almost like having to swallow a medicine that leaves a very bad taste in your mouth for a while. The priest spoke the word ‘forgiveness’ and so to me that had just left a stigma toward that word. I never went to confess myself again and in my mind, applying self forgiveness was like confessing my ‘dark deeds’ to myself, which I saw as a cool point in terms of not having to resort to telling my stuff to someone in order to be ‘absolved from my sins.’ Then I realized what a nice trick religion had created in order to be the ‘only ones’ that can endow you with such ‘god-given right to forgive you,’ whereas Self-Forgiveness implied: I can do it myself –  awesome, way to go to debunk faith and beliefs.

I applied self forgiveness on feeling ‘icky’ and weird and judging the word forgiveness and self forgiveness in itself – the whole lot of points that went opening up as I went writing out the sentences around thoughts like ‘why do I have to forgive myself,’ ‘why forgiveness sounds like something priests do to others,’ forgiveness related to god, forgiveness related to me having done something ‘wrong’, forgiveness as in ‘asking someone forgiveness’ and even ideas on this being a humiliating process and embarrassing even for myself alone.

When beginning process I also  noticed how I also wanted to ‘get over with my past shit and move on’ which I did through writing it all out and sharing it as a form of also demonstrating something to someone of my own application – in a way following an ‘ideal’ of clearing myself fro such ‘sins’ as soon as possible. This is not something that was ‘wrong’ or anything. simply I found out in that process how we find our own way to establish ourselves through process in a ‘trial and error’ manner.

In my case it was mostly through writing that I opened up points to apply Self Forgiveness for,  having that ‘freedom to write’ wherein I’d share all the apparent trivial points of my days. I would experience certain blockages while writing out self forgiveness whenever I would jump in my mind into an idea of ‘myself within process’ wherein we believe that we are doing something that will make us ‘better,’ make us ‘more’ in any way – Nope, not at all. I quote a sentence that came through a chat  once“The Self as life has no language or Skill yet.” Realizing the humbleness required to walk this process was quite a cool point within it all,  as it allowed me to stop having to ‘uphold’ a particular idea of myself I had been bound myself for my entire life as living up to the ‘highest standard’ possible at an intellectual level.

I had to let go of this ego-formed around been specific and effective within my application – it is still being stopped whenever it rears its head. I realized that it could only feed yet another ‘ideal’ of myself becoming something/ someone ‘better’ instead of simply realizing that self-honest application here will not enhance any egos, but only reveal/ expose and function as support to direct ourselves into an actual practical physical living realization of who we really are, supporting us to take off the blindfold to see what we all really are.

WHY ?

The simplest reason I can name of why I came to apply Self Forgiveness was to simply get to actually Live. I understood we can’t possibly go on as we have in this world,  we have to stop what we’ve accepted and allowed within ourselves and actually get to the realization that it is in fact possible to create a new world if each individual that is willing to stand up for life, dedicates themselves to themselves, to live a process wherein Life is considered in all aspects as one and equal – always.

I wanted to stop being the same self-deprecating system with all these habits and obsessions and desires to know and obtain any form of ‘truth’ to create a ‘meaning to life.’ When I heard that Self Forgiveness was the way to first of all STOP all of those delusions to then live, I realized that I had to ‘test this out for myself’, I couldn’t just continue watching the material and absorbing all the knowledge and information for the delight of my own witty-ego satisfaction, no.

I initially went ‘full-on’ applying Self Forgiveness and had a heavy-duty time with it with writing out a lot. I was still having this ‘urge’ to get something done, to ‘get it done’ and be finally ‘here’ with “no-mind” and being finally free, I was still applying Self Forgiveness from that starting point of achieving something, not really realizing what I was doing was part of the process of first getting to establish Self Honesty within myself.

I realized how this process is not about ‘bettering ourselves’ or ‘personal growth’ but simply the realization of what we are actually able and capable of living-as, directing ourselves toward our optimum-state and living in our fullest potential. This all made sense to me as the way this world and reality ‘should have always been’ – I saw how the point that was in between us from realizing our actual ability to stop and correct ourselves had only been ourselves as the mind. We are the only ones standing on our way– this is paraphrasing Bernard. All the ‘lostness’ thoughts began to diminish, because I saw that I had only ‘gotten lost’ according to the thoughts that I had given space and many breaths away to exist as ‘who I am,’ I then realized to what extent this had been my own creation and how I had to take self responsibility for it.

I suggest reading the blog ‘How I was able to Hear Desteni’ for further details about these first days of encountering it. Even though it all sounded extremely weird to me, I decided to ‘give it a try’ simply because I had already gone through other processes in trying to ‘make myself feel better’ which had not really been effective or with ‘long lasting effects’ just like the temporary bridge they were. I decided to apply Self Forgiveness in part also to see ‘what it was all about’ and not allow me to only formulate ideas/ beliefs about it without testing it for myself.

HOW ?

The initial experience within applying Self Forgiveness was fueled  with regret, shame and guilt when realizing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist-as in this world, and how we had – within such possession-  created a world of hatred and separation. Myself being the +1 point that supported such depression,  anxiety, walking with this constant judgmental view on the world  that I allowed myself to be and become.  I walked through my reality seeking for experiences, people, drugs or anything that could allow me to ‘grasp’ this reality, to not feel ‘lost’ and apparently gaining some type of ‘higher status’ to be special, to at least ‘know’ any form of ‘truth’ within this reality that would make me feel like there was a ‘point’ in this existence –  though I could only continue seeing  that nothing made sense.

This is almost a ‘normal thing’ to go-through when realizing all the moments that we’ve spent in our little bubbles secluded from the rest of the world. Thus I initially rushed in means of ‘clearing my name/image’ as soon as possible. I had the idea that it was all about writing the self forgiveness out in one go, and then being ‘clear/ absolved’ of it forevermore. No, that was only my ego once again wanting to ‘shove it all away’ as fast as I could to regain a certain ‘peace of mind’ and be done with it –  it was just another attempt to regain the experience of ‘everything is fine,’ without really grasping how this was a process to be lived for a lifetime.

Self Forgiveness can only support us in identifying the points that we have to correct ourselves,  yet as we know, this takes the actual physical integration of that which I vow to stand for, Self as the starting point in all ways = walking the talk.

It was through the support through forums, Bernard, Sunette and everyone else participating at Desteni that I realized that Desteni was no quick fix, that it would take the actual living-application of it, that I had to actually walk-it, live-it, fall and rise again, make mistakes as many as I had to in order to get to know which road Not to follow – I realized that I actually required to DO THIS, that this was no prayer or magic wand wherein I could just simply spell nice words and pretend all is well – no.

I also had to see how I had never ever done this as it’s not a preprogrammed thing to do. I realized that it wouldn’t come as a single easy decision wherein you chose from one color to another, but that it would take an actual self-commitment and self-will to prove if what was being shared with regards to Self Forgiveness in Self Honesty and writing ourselves to freedom was actually supportive. Till this day I can say: yes it is, absolutely.

At times I would be quite overwhelmed with all the points I would go opening up through Self Forgiveness. It was a process wherein through writing and making it a consistent point within my every day living, it became a habit, a cool habit to start getting to know myself, to see where and how it is required to apply self forgiveness, how to apply self forgiveness for the experiences of the day. I mean, to me writing became like the most enjoyable part of the day and till this day, If I don’t write a day it would be because I’m absolutely sick or something – even if I don’t write blogs on a daily basis, I am continually writing somewhere in the internet or for myself in a notebook. It’s become part of myself – and it’s a very coo habit to develop a point of self-communication wherein we are able to ground ourselves as self-support and share it whenever we can with others as well. Writing and words are the key to this reality – and this is a Destonian realization, we are proving it for ourselves as we walk.

All in all, Self Forgiveness was a trial and error process initially, wherein I virtually began applying Self Forgiveness for everything and all that I noticed in my environment, in my thoughts, in the world – it’s cool though because that’s how I got to discern what is common sense, what is Self Honesty, what are points that I have to open up further and how eventually applying/ living Self Forgiveness would imply the ‘actual doing’/ walking of all of these statements.

This was finally something that I had to ‘make it work’ = it was no quick fix or magical wand as I had desired it initially to be – that’s when I began ‘meeting my maker’ for real, because Self Forgiveness became ‘the way’ to start seeing what the hell on Earth I was thinking and going through at all times as the inner chatter that I had dared to call ‘my best friend.’

WHEN ?

Once I started grasping Self Honesty, I saw that I could no longer be fooling myself with playing the same old ‘me’ when I had clearly set out the reasons, excuses and justifications for me being/ becoming a particular way – the self-interest, the narcissism, the arrogance, the self-inflated ego, the obsessions, the self-created delusions were out and in the open now, I could not fool myself nor did I want to continue deceiving myself. I can openly say now that it is through applying and living Self Forgiveness that I found what Self-Respect is, what actually establishing Self-Trust is based on one’s own writings and realizations and practical-living application of such realizations as well.

The moment that I saw that even after leaving behind all the idea of myself I was still ‘Here,’ fears started vanishing – and I continued walking no matter what. Self Forgiveness became ‘the way of living’ from the perspective of being able to correct myself when seeing ‘the point’ that was missed in a moment wherein – yes – a breath was missed.

Breathing through resistances to bring-through a point within Self Forgiveness, breathing through the initial judgment that may come whenever we expose to ourselves a point that we had suppressed and not looked at out of embarrassment, shame, guilt or fear – breathing through reactions is the way to go once you see the same points emerging after having applied self forgiveness for the point, such as my initial judgment toward Self-Forgiveness in itself.

I remember once buying myself an only-self-forgiveness bloc of notes and the day that I had finished writing on the very last page, I felt ‘so cool’ about it, I planned to save it for the posterity lol – I lost it that same day at the bus station, I realized that such process was not to be ‘cherished’ and that it wasn’t about creating a collection of self-forgiveness, but actually walking through the process of living it, living the correction that I had seen through my writings that I had to stop, correct, align within the principle of what’s best for all. Eventually I understood that I could write heaps – yet if it wasn’t applied, then it was absolutely useless.

I also saw how any ‘good feeling’ I could get out of applying Self Forgiveness, was a mind generated experience and had to be stopped.

When getting specific support on the point through the Tree of Life I realized how ‘my past was still haunting me’ literally and how I was creating an actual experience of rushing or even anxiety in wanting to ‘get rid of the fucker as soon as possible and be at peace,’ without actually realizing that I had to first let go of wanting to ‘overcome myself’ but simply face the points for what they are, self forgive and walk the process at the physical pace of breathing – moment by moment.

This ‘rush’ had to be stopped by first realizing that I had to clear myself from such thoughts of guilt, regret and shame that had emerged when writing myself to freedom, I wanted to ‘get over with it’ as soon as possible. I then realized that ‘there is nothing to attain’, there is nothing to ‘get to’ or ‘become’ – It is about realizing who/ what I really am,  that I am Here and I can’t define and limit myself within a perceived amount of time that I require to do this. So, rushing is linked to a self-competition through time against myself, against the personality I had become. So, forgiving myself for that became the pillar to walk in humbleness, to realize there is nothing to ‘attain’ or get, but is an actual walking-living self-realization that will be proven through our own participation in space and time in our reality.

This also included stopping the expectations or ideals of ‘who I will become once I have applied Self Forgiveness’ – making sure I didn’t form any self-grandeur within it, any ego enhancement as being then ‘more’ than others or now being ‘done’ with myself and not requiring to continue, that’d be rather another mindfuck to debunk indeed – and I remind myself of this every time that it is required. It is a constant living application. 

Living Self Forgiveness

I never knew how layered my personality was until I started applying Self Forgiveness

It was shocking to start seeing how I was essentially avoiding ‘mingling’ with people around me based on this idea/ personality I had of myself. I started realizing how I had become that which I had vehemently judged others for: I had become my own worst nightmare without ever noticing it. By this I mean a rather picky, elitist, judgmental, arrogant being that would only care to ‘spend time’ with those people that would ‘care’ about me as I did for them – conveniently so – I would not give a reverend fuck about the rest, I only cared about my little bubble. So, when applying self forgiveness and going understanding that this process was to expose myself for everything I had become, it initially was something I resisted, just because of fearing to face the reality that I had become, the actual  ‘true nature’ of myself while I had though of myself as being a nice and delightful person. This was then obviously out of still playing out my core-personality, instead of being fully unconditional within the application.

See, the cool thing about Self Forgiveness is that we realize that we’ve existed as patterns, patterns repeat by ‘nature/design’, we realize that due to the extent that we’ve lived as the mind, we will be facing layers upon layers of the same pattern in various different aspects of our reality. Thus, we know we can’t be ‘done with it’ in one go – we’ll in fact amalgamate ourselves to the physical as breath, moment by moment, walking with the necessary patience to go stopping and correcting ourselves. That is translated to simply being able to stop the mind, stop all unnecessary time-loops of repeating the same experiences over and over again, until we realize that we simply require to Stop, Self Forgive and let go of it. Sounds simple, yes, though it takes a constant application that becomes ‘who we are’ every time we stop ourselves from participating in the mind, in every moment that we do not participate in that which seems enticing and alluring to go into – that moment that we don’t ‘go there’ actually supports ourselves to ground ourselves in/as the physical, we prove to ourselves that we can actually do this, that it just takes one breath at the time and sufficient self-will to do it.

I never even thought that I would get to enjoy this process until I simply started living it. I would spend hours writing out self forgiveness because I saw it as a very effective way to go opening up points and almost ‘challenging’ me to transcend my fears of ‘oh no no don’t go in there!’ within my mind wherein I would have to kind of give myself an internal kick in the ass to write the point out. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, heaps of self judgment, self-hatred, a lot of judgments toward other people, the world – I was overwhelmed!  However, it was the most liberating point once it was ‘out’ like a physical relief from having now exposed this rotting corpse to myself, it no longer was this ‘dead talk’ inside my head lingering around, provoking me to go into certain moods or experiences that I would then dare to participate in and define as ‘who I am.’ These experiences began diminishing, simply because I could not kid myself into such thoughts after having extensively exposed them for what they are. Once the can of worms was opened, the can was empty and I filled it up with soil to grow something rather supportive for myself to live in common sense.

The specificity implied in the writing itself of Self Forgiveness has been a key point of support in order to learn how the mind works as a perfect-system for excuses and justifications to not take Self-Responsibility. Hence the only way to ‘tackle’ this problem is through walking an equally specific and perfected system of self correction, which is why Self Forgiveness is such a specific way to correct ourselves. Each word in the basic sentence as ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself…’ is an absolute statement of taking Self Responsibility for having given our lives up to a mind-driven action that was done in inconsideration of who we are as one and equal.

Throughout the process of getting to know how Self Forgiveness works, participating in the forum, reading others’ posts became a pillar and vital point of feedback. I was pretty much amazed how any single action/ event was able to be directed by using the same tools – indistinctly – and how common sense is always able to be established in any given situation, by the fact that every action is exerted through a process wherein a process of decision making is involved: to act or not act – it is self-created and as such, it can be corrected.

How come we had missed this throughout time?

No Excuses: Life Cannot be Denied

I see Self Forgiveness as giving ourselves a second chance to live – to finally create ourselves as that which we see is and will be best for all as one and equal. This sounds ‘cool’ but living the words implies a life-dedication, a commitment toward ourselves that we support ourselves with and share with others. It is a way to expand our ability to see/ realize that who we really are had been caged in our own mind-traps and we are ready to take them all down for we have been the very creators of it all.

There is no ‘mystery ’in Self Forgiveness, it’s not a self-god-given right, it is about understanding that we stop ourselves from existing within a single point of definition or idea of ourselves that limits/ defines who we are, and living it out through first removing/ detaching ourselves from such memory, idea, thought, belief, picture and standing up from having accepted and allowed ourselves to remain limited within such conception of ourselves.

It’s about getting to know ourselves, to learn ‘how’ we function and  take Self-Responsibility for it, which is realizing and understanding  how there will be no miracles happening in order for us to correct what we have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.  We have this one life, one opportunity for us to be the creators of a reality that we are willing to exist as from now on, within common sense, within the principle of what is best for all as equals. This is the single starting point for creation we have missed throughout time – it is only now that we have the opportunity to stand as the living example of what is possible for us human beings to be and become when we become the change that we want to see in this world.

Enjoy living this out for yourself.

Supportive Articles I read to walk Self Forgiveness:

And many more at: http://desteni.org/articles

Self-Forgiveness Blog


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