Tag Archives: self compromise

633.#EqafeDiscovery:Being Authentic

 

I was searching for the words ‘compromise’ in the Eqafe search bar and these Life Reviews came up: You See What I Want You to See – Life Review and the follow up of it Stop Your Spiteful Thoughts – Life Review  and it brought up some interesting memories about a phase I lived in my life during my high school years – just like the guy that shares his life review – and how I never considered that what I did in terms of how I would speak, behave, look and wear certain clothes was in fact from the starting point of wanting to fight against all the people that I was secretly – and constantly – judging based on having had a desire to ‘fit in’ within certain groups of people, while actually doing so out of fear of being alone or not been seen as ‘the outcast’ etc. Which was in fact a point of self-compromise, which emerged in various ways as I’ll share here.

It all emerged from the constant need to ‘fit in’ when I was in junior high school and compromising myself to the point of doing things just because of wanting to hang out with the people I ‘believed’ I should be getting along with based on what I ‘thought’ was ‘normal’ for a girl to do, like hanging out with other girls, and be gossipy and be focusing on looks and certain kinds of music and clothes that I really didn’t like lol.  I then became what I thought was the ‘opposite’ statement of it, to slowly but surely embrace more of my tastes in music and portray that in outfits, and be into more ‘underground’ kind of tastes etc. – stuff that I genuinely liked but that I knew that not many other women liked. Yep, I embraced then getting along better with males as a result of it as well.

I have shared about that phase in my life before in this blog, however I realize how I didn’t see how such ‘rebellious’ personality was a form of spite as a way to ‘stand up’ for me, I never really see it as a form of manipulation or spite and even avenging the past girls that I felt would leave me ‘out’ of their group and regular outings.

This personality suit became a way of placing a mark of ‘I am not like anyone else here’ and at the same time feel special that I had my own ‘one-person-niche’ – or so I believed – and essentially was left alone and would be by myself and I would feel proud of that.  What I was able to look back at when listening to these Eqafe audios is how much I masked such deliberate actions – which are yes, a point of self-manipulation – entirely based on wanting others to see me in a particular way, wanting others to ‘leave me alone’ because of considering that I just didn’t want to keep trying to fit in anywhere. There are some cool points that are involved in it as well, like no longer creating a struggle or inner conflict to fit in, but instead pursue my own interests which at the time were essentially and entirely related to music and reading and that sort of thing, so I used books as a point of refuge to spend my time during recess. At the same time, I embraced my actual enjoyment of being learning in school and would no longer feel ashamed of being good at it. That’s where I became even more outspoken and would be up for intellectual and opinionated discussions with some people that eventually became good friends to me, which is another story I’ve shared before as well J

 I started allowing myself to be me, surely. But! I do recognize I would take it to that extreme at times and how the whole starting point was also to kind of ‘spite’ the rejection or perception of ‘being left out’ by other groups of girls to the point where I simply stopped wanting to be a part of it, and it truly was for the best in my own eyes based on the kind of habits they got into and ‘ways of having fun’ that I just realized were not at all for me, and I regretted in a way the time I spent trying to fit in. But at the same time, it would still come up with this sort of ‘superiority’ sense that was there as a driving force because of still carrying the inferiority experience of being left out or not fitting in according to what I believed was ‘the right thing to do’

This is how this ‘courageous self’ did contain some spite towards that previous ‘me’ that was too sensitive, trying to fit in, feeling left out and still going through similar experiences as I did in early elementary school where I could not entirely understand people and their desire to talk nastily about others, leave out others on purpose or be simply mean to others. This always felt entirely wrong yet at the same time If I would stand my ground, it would mean I would be alone and I feared it at the time. 

I only decided to embrace that aloneness until I was in high school and it was only when I went to art school in my university that I genuinely felt ‘at the right place’ for the most part. Until! I also started walking this process and then another isolation phase emerged, a much tougher one where I placed into question this ‘rebellious’ personality and so it has taken me years to redefine my starting point of how I’ve ‘become me’ as I currently am – however, again, I never realized it was a form of spite in fact. Now I see how that played out, which is good to know in order to not repeat the same again.

What opened up in my dream is how even though I stopped wanting to ‘fit in’ with certain people at school, around that time in high school I also started hanging out with people I believed were ‘the kind of people I wanted to be a part of’ which, were mostly people that would define themselves as ‘different,’ or ‘outcasts’ and they became my best friends and first relationships where I truly felt ‘I belonged’.

What I didn’t see before until now based on the dream and also upon listening to this life review is that, I continued compromising myself or manipulating myself to now be liked or accepted by these ‘new’ individuals in my life, because I still felt that even if we liked the same stuff – preference-based relationships – we had very different principles in fact. I don’t regret it either because those were the relationships that enabled me to understand or get to know more about how our minds work, what emotions can create and get to know some depths into the lives of people that would ‘shape’ themselves in this particular ‘antagonistic’ way.  I went along to get to know those that were ‘riding with the devil’ so to speak and I understand that this was almost like an investigative process – as I believe my entire life is lol – to get to understand how these people functioned.

The point of my dream is that I saw myself hanging out with a person from such past times and it seemed like a present time interaction, and I would still compromise myself in saying ‘yes’ or ‘ok’ to things that I didn’t really want to say ’yes’ or ‘ok’ to. It was even a bit more eye-opening when I woke up and I recalled the dream and I almost saw it as if ‘nothing had really happened’ in it. It took me some time to see deeper and recognize how it was quite obvious that I was compromising myself again with that same person, that I would still fear to say ‘No’ to or simply not go along with their plan, because there was still this desire to fit in, to be accepted by this person, and that is where I realized that as much as I believe I have walked through that pattern, the fact that in my dream I still decided to ‘go along with’ and not stand up as in being honest with myself about what I am willing to do or not, means that this aspect is still existing within me. Not surprising though because that’s how most things go when we are working with stuff in our minds, we are not ever really ‘done’ with something because there are many layers to things and experiences we go through in our lives.

I also found it relevant that it came through with the image of a person that caused a big impact in my life for many, many years and how as much as I believe that I’ve ‘overcome’ the whole relationship, my dream came back to let me know “Hmm, I don’t think so!” Lol! There are many layers to things and I am in fact grateful for my dream in letting me know: Hey! You still said ‘yes’ when you clearly were uncomfortable and didn’t want to ‘go along with the plan’ and doing stuff that you are not really into anymore. So why did I say yes?

Wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted, wanting to preserve certain relationship that I deemed as impossible or almost like a trophy-like situation due to how I perceive this person to be a ‘difficult’ one to be liked by. It is as if I made it a point to be liked by people that have a hard time socializing or have a hard time being understood or being liked by others and then, I would find ways to be one of the ‘few’ that they can get along with – some kind of ‘elitism’ if you will but in a weird way. The reality is that it wasn’t a genuine getting along with, because I would not be fully being honest about what I wanted to do or not, I just would agree and say yes because of that desire to be part of their lives or make them feel ‘right’ which is another aspect of pleasing others as compromise and also as a way to suppress oneself. Why would I do it? To regard myself as ‘better than’ others, to create some form of ‘specialness’ in me based on how others would deem those people as being ‘difficult to deal with,’ I wanted to be ‘the one’ that could make them feel like they were alright and belonged…. I projected my own ‘neediness’ onto them, that’s for sure.

That single point right there of believing that I should ‘do whatever it takes to be part of someone’s life’ is a big point of self-compromise. What exists behind it is suppressing what I really want to be and do. For a young girl this might seem like something ‘common’ to do, but in looking back what I see is all the bits and aspects of myself that would be compromised because of not wanting to ‘let others down’ and disappoint them in whichever expectations I believed they had about who I am and my relationship to them.

This is where the tendency to ‘live someone else’s life’ emerged as well, where I lost track of who I was because all that I did was ‘tag along’ and be like the wallflower that is always there and going along with whatever plan someone else has for me. It was submissive from my side, but I believed that would get me to live the life that I wanted… well! I eventually realized it wasn’t – and thank god for that. This also has to do with having an erroneous sense of what a relationship is, where I believed that I had to agree to everything the other person would think, say and act upon in order to ‘keep the relationship going’ and in that, I didn’t embrace my capacity to dissent and with that, stop living in fear of losing a person or relationship in my life, which was the actual fear existing behind it.

Why did I do that? Because at that time I felt that these were ‘the only people I could ever get along with’ even if their lives didn’t share the same core principles as mine… we had ‘similar personalities’ and ‘similar preferences’ and tastes in music, art, etc. But of course, back then I had no idea of how ‘who they came to be’ was also the rebellious-kind as a way to ‘spite back’ everyone else that would criticize or judge them for ‘not fitting in.’ We were united in our own weaknesses in essence, but I had no way of seeing that or realizing it as I do now.

So, this is a form of ‘ism’ that I lived back then, getting along with people that were outcasts or ‘rebels’ and believing that if I would still feel like I didn’t belong there, then ‘Oh my god! I would not belong anywhere!’ And that, my friends, is the one biggest lie I guess most people fall for when growing up, the idea that we have to ‘fit in’ and compromise, and suppress what one really wants to do because “oh no! they can’t see me alone! I can’t go to the movies alone! I can’t be living on my own! I can’t say I ‘go out’ and go by myself!” And so what did I end up doing for some good five years in my life after I decided to stop wanting to ‘fit in’? I was by myself, I tested my ability to be without relationships and get to embrace me, being me, seeing what I genuinely like to do, what I enjoy doing on my own and that was a beneficial phase in my life of which I eventually realized I also had to step back from and in a way, re-insert myself back into society if you will. It is not like I became a hermit in fact, I would still go to school and get along with people, I just didn’t cultivate any ‘deep relationships’ in reality, except for a few online friends, which I appreciate and were a supportive ground for me even if not in ‘the physical world’ – it was a form of physicality still J

That was a cool testing ground for me to embrace my aloneness and I was sharing about this with a friend yesterday because, somehow we have this ingrained belief that we have to fit in or be accepted by others and that such thing means we have to ‘be entirely like them’ which is actually limiting, because I am discovering the ‘richness’ that there is with people when we gather as individuals and simply realize that there are no ‘two’ or more that are exactly ‘the same’ of course, lol, it’s so simple but it’s still interesting to me how much this idea of ‘fitting in’ or ‘be accepted’ formed a major point of compromise in me.

It is now refreshing or liberating to know that I have no problem in going to certain places on my own while in the past, it would be a simple No-no to go alone to say, the movies. Or go alone on trips or go alone to visit museums or go to concerts alone… I’ve done all of that and I enjoy it. But I also realized that I do enjoy and want to share my life with others and that’s basically where I was able to create a relationship where I can do that and test myself to not compromise, to express me and not hold back or not try and ‘fit in’ anymore lol because there’s really nothing to ‘fit into’ really. I am now at a point within me where I can be me and that been quite liberating and enjoyable. I realize that it wasn’t really ‘others’ that were the problem, but the ways I separated myself from others by defining them in some kind of ‘specialness aura’ that I believed I had to ‘be up to the standards’ for.

I actually thought that I would ‘always’ have to compromise myself in order to be with others – yep! That’s the bugger-belief there, but I’m glad I have realized it doesn’t have to be like that and I explained before how there are simply agreements and working around points to embrace someone else in your life, but that doesn’t represent self-compromise as I’ve described at the beginning of the blog, which is great.  

As I mentioned in my last blog on compromise, once that you start living your truth and not compromise any further, it seems that the ‘right people’ arrive at your life or you get to be somehow ‘attracted’ to them in the sense of wanting to talk to them, wanting to get to know them more, or simply by the kind of interest and questions they bring up you kind of realize hey, they seem to be in the same ‘wavelength’ as I am – lol.

And that’s essentially how you can get to find people that are similar in principles of how they live their lives, and when doing this without a desire or need to ‘be in a relationship’ or within a fear of ‘not wanting to end up alone’ – then, cool things open up in sharing your life with others that may also be already quite comfortable on their own. That is also liberating, to not compromise to now ‘hold on’ to someone and ‘fear losing’ someone, or wanting to be ‘accepted’ by someone and within that, lose parts of ourselves that we might regret later on not expressing, or when we believe that we can ‘only be that’ with certain people… our expression is our expression and different aspects of ourselves emerge with different people, so that’s why it’s also cool to meet various kinds of people as different aspects emerge with each one of them, and that’s enjoyable.

So here’s some forgiveness on the points that emerged in my dream to finalize this writing:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say ‘Yes’ in the dream to doing things that I actually didn’t want to do and felt somehow compelled to say ‘yes’ just because of having an idea of that one person being and representing the kind of people I thought I wanted to belong to or be a part of, not realizing that the idea of belonging or being a part of a finite group of people is an idea that stems from a desire to be ‘more’ or ‘special’ or ‘different’ to others that I would not be trying to relate to. Therefore believing that I was going to ‘get something good’ out of doing that which this person wanted to do.

I realize that the moment that I go into a constriction within me to do things or behave in a certain way to ‘get along’ with others is me compromising myself, and how that causes me to suppress an aspect of who I am for the sake of ‘being liked, being accepted’ by another – instead of seeing that no one can define me and who I am based on them liking or accepting me or not.

I also realize that I don’t have to ‘belong’ anywhere because I am already part of the whole that we all are J Wanting to ‘belong’ exists as a construct of separation, of specialness, of ‘superiority’ based on how I have defined that person in my life in the past as ‘unique’ and ‘different,’ and ‘intelligent’ and believing that I had to be liked, appreciated or regarded as special by them in order to ‘feel good’ about myself…. Nope, no one can really define my experience or how I feel about myself or who I am at the eyes of others, but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth to this person in my memories based on the many social contacts he has and how he is in my own eyes regarded as someone that is ‘special’ and ‘unique’ or a ‘one of a kind’ person that seems to be liked by everyone, and in that, desiring to be liked by him as a form of social clout that I could create and so be ‘accepted’ or embraced by people that I thought would be also cool, unique, special in my past, and within that, manipulating me, my genuine expression, behavior and preference just to ‘be part of’ such groups of people.

I have come to realize that I can be me, that I actually had to be me and yes, that left me cutting off some of these relationships and in retrospective, it was for the best because of having very different living principles and as much as I believed it would be close to ‘impossible’ or ‘very hard’ to find people with similar principles, I realize that I found them. Most are living around the world and are part Desteni as well, and a few others I’ve come to know by a similar principle that I explained above when it comes to establishing communication and developing relationships with people that have a similar foundation and one gets to come in contact with them by serendipity.

So, I would say it’s not even something someone has to find because once that one decides to be honest about who one is and how one really wants to be and what one really wants to do, then such people also ‘arrive’ at one’s life one way or another.  

Point to learn? To not compromise one’s expression, one’s truth for the sake of ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘fitting in’ with certain groups of people. How else are we going to stop recreating the compromising that exists in society today if we don’t dare to be authentic and unique? It is not ‘easy’ if you, like me, have had tough times in trying to be ‘part of the squad’ type of thing before. But, when looking back, I am glad that even if I allowed compromise in my life in many ways, I did step out of it and placed a complete halt on situations that I knew were not going to enable me to live me, express me and so enjoy being me. And that’s great, because then I got to know more of my capacity, my limits and my weaknesses as well, which I continue to work with identifying and so strengthening of course.

As a last point, as a result of being walking this process with Desteni I’ve come to definitely enjoy being me. I can say I am no longer live this ‘authentic self’ based on spiting others, or attempting to ‘go against the grain’ as what I perceive the majority of society is or does.  I have worked on stopping the ‘rebellious act’ as an act of fighting against, and instead live the understanding of what I once was and how I can simply now live and express myself and test out how that goes in various situations. I do want to encourage anyone to dare to step out of any form of compromise and realize that trusting ourselves and learning from daring to be ourselves is the road to be authentic in fact – at least that’s how I am seeing it at the moment.

That way there is no longer a sense or perception of having to please or belong to etc. It’s just an “I am me and you are you and we share and enjoy learning from each other” type of thing. This is what living in equality sounds like to me, and it’s totally doable, takes self-work and self-change, but totally worth it.  

Thanks for reading and if you want to nurture your life to have the right set of tools on how to approach virtually any problem or situation you are facing or changing in your life, check out the Eqafe Unlimited plan. You will see you’re worth it.

 

My previous blog on the topic:

538. Living Authenticity 

authentic self

 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

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554. Reverse Engineering Inner Conflict

Or how to walk through a point of anger or blame and see through it towards self-responsibility in one’s life creation

As I was organizing some files and doing a general cleanup in my computer, I saw some documents that I had written out over a year and a half ago where, there was this experience of being ‘stagnant’ and ‘stuck’ somehow in a point of creation in my life. What I find interesting is how upon reading it, it reminded me a bit to a conversation I had a few days ago with someone that was having a similar experience to the one I wrote out at the time.

In the document I wrote for myself, what I closed it off with was simply to remain standing, to keep breathing, keep walking and not seek for ‘ways to hide away’ from my experience. So even if I didn’t have a clear idea of ‘where to start’ getting untangled in my experience, there were basic aspects of self-discipline and consistency to keep myself going and walking regardless of this overall sensation of stagnation or a temporary experience of ‘losing my ground.’

Now that I can look back at the time, I can see how I created such stagnation with certain decisions and points of creation in my life that at the same time now that I walked through them and saw what I was initially ‘aiming’ at with them, I can now stand up from it, learn from it and take the essence of that period in my life and share the ‘ways to walk through it’ for others that might find themselves also in a temporary experience of ‘being lost’ or ‘feeling without a way through’ which is something I’ve been quite familiar with in the past and I have to remain humble and remind myself of having walked through these situations as well, which at the same time enables me to be patient, considerate, humble and flexible with whoever is experiencing something similar in their lives.

What I can now realize is how the experience of stagnation didn’t really ‘go away’ by itself, it was an actual decision to get to be truly self-honest about myself and my experience and make decisions that could create a distinctive change in my reality and therefore in who I am as my choices and decisions. What do I mean with this?

Many times we like to blame anything and everyone we can for ‘the way we feel’ or ‘how we are doing in our lives’ – I’ve been there and done that in terms of blaming money, the system, the place I live in, I’ve blamed the perceived ‘lack’ of something, blaming the people I would share a house with, blaming other people’s ideals and desires towards my life, blaming my decisions, blaming my partner, blaming the past… and the list could go on and on. But it is quite interesting that whenever we are experiencing this ‘stagnation’ or feeling ‘stuck’ we don’t dare to really investigate on the things we actually are aware are the point of self-compromise in our lives. We know it because we are the ones within our own minds, bodies, life on a daily basis, yet we like to look away and always look towards ‘the outside’ as ‘the point’ to change or to blame or to see as the solution.

What went on in my case is actually walk through a point of creation until its ultimate consequence, and by that I’ve also learned to not see it as a ‘wrong decision’ or ‘mistake’ but more like a point of creation that could not stand the test of time, which proves that there were some ego points, energy points that I had to walk through and test out to see for myself what is essentially ‘of life’ and can stand the test of time as my creation, and what was ‘of the mind’ as a point of creation that led me inevitably to an experience of stagnation, of ‘not moving forward’, not expanding and what’s even most frightening is that in the writing I explain how ‘Well, it’s my point of creation and I have to stick with it’ but I did not consider changing it or challenging my decision, choice and point of creation, but more like ‘I’ve made my bed, I’ll lie in it’ type of situation where yes, I agree on the aspect of taking responsibility for one’s creation but at the same time to not be rigid or limited in believing that I cannot change my decision, that I cannot stop a point of creation and expand to another or that I have to ‘marry’ a particular line of creation and stick with it forevermore.

I found it quite interesting how there is a sense of ‘resignation’ that comes along with ‘sacrifice’ as self-victimization in reality, where I believed that I had to ‘walk this path’ and there was ‘no other way’ but to now stick with it because: I created it, I chose it, so I walk through it all, which I essentially did until a point of consequence as an unsustainable outcome came to create an end to that point of creation.

But I did question as well how much I was willing to give a continuation to my own acceptance and allowance of an experience within me that I knew perfectly well what it was linked to, but still, I didn’t challenge myself, my ego, my desires, my self-interest enough to actually see the point that was ‘bugging’ me and was right in front of me all the time – and what happens then is that this experience of dissatisfaction, stagnation, a general ‘stuckness’ in one’s life can become like a constant anger or resentment towards anything and anyone or ‘life’ itself – instead of actually having the guts to look back entirely back at ourselves to see how it is our own self-interest, our own  ego, our own fears, desires, personalities or ‘woman in the red dress’ matrix style keeps us from actually being self-honest and so daring to reverse-engineer our experience and trace it back entirely to where we made certain choices, decisions within a starting point of ego, compromise, desires, seeking a particular experience or point of ‘fulfillment’ in separation of oneself and what do we get according to the input-output? Dissatisfaction, separation, losing one’s ground, loss of ‘identity,’ losing track, believing there’s ‘no point’ in anything in this life… but is it really so or are we only creating an emotional experience to not have to actually face and confront the nature of the decisions, the choices, the paths we’ve decided to walk?

Self-honesty is always a punch in the guts if you will, at times it is the least pleasant thing to do, yet it is also a momentary experience because once that you dare to do it and walk through it and stand your ground when it comes to sticking to one’s living principles, one may walk through a temporary storm and it might seem hard and arduous or never ending – but there will be a way through if we actually remain self-honest in making decisions, choices and actions that reflect the principles that are best for life, one’s life and that of others – and this is not determined by anything else other than action, reaction – input and output.

So, here it is a personal reminder of how whenever I get to experience myself ‘stuck’ or in a point of ‘stagnation’ in one way or another, I have to ‘reverse-engineer’ my experience and Dare to see that which I in fact know is the point of compromise, where I am not wanting to ‘let go’ of something that I am aware is compromising so that within that, I can prevent myself from veering and going towards ‘blame’ and ‘anger’ towards anything and everyone in the world, which can manifest as any form of giving up, seeing no point in continuing walking this life and process, losing one’s ground or seeking a form of validation and reasons to ‘keep going’ from others, which is an equal point of compromise because it is only self that can decide to stand up, clean up one’s act, straighten up one’s decisions and then see what happens when one does that.

All I can say is that, we determine the magnitude of our consequences, we determine how ‘far’ we allow something to continue going within ourselves without a direction towards change in self-honesty. Therefore, whenever blame comes, whenever anger comes what do we know? We are actually angry at ourselves for not doing what we deeply – or sometimes ‘on our face’ – know and are aware is our point of self-compromise, and the more we don’t change it, the more the emotional experience increases, because deep inside ourselves we know we could change things, we know we could make different choices, we know we could be standing in a different position than the self-compromising one we’ve taken – so this will all last as long as our ego lasts in any form or way. And with this, it’s not to see it as a very damning process either, because how else would we know which points we are still being ‘held by’ in ourselves, by who we are as our mind/ego if we didn’t have the direct reflection of our choices, our thoughts, our words and deeds as the experiences that we create towards ourselves – and others – as a result of our self-dishonesty.

A fitting saying is  ‘we do it to ourselves’ really, and so that’s how we are always the problem and at the same time the solution. My suggestion is to not get completely blinded by the experience, because ultimately it is a way for us to hide from our responsibility, from our self-honesty – but to rather face it and confront it, as Sunette said in her vlog ‘take the bull by the balls’ really because it does take guts to stand in that place/point or position that one may have wanted to ‘hold on to’ but that at the same time, might be the one point that was keeping a hold to one’s expansion and development in one’s process – only we can know what such point is and all I can suggest is being courageous to see for ourselves what it is and do what is necessary to align oneself back on track to the path of living and expanding in self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

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479. Making an Impression

Or how to redefine the process of desiring to make an impression in self-interest to making an impression as an expression of what’s best for all

 

There was a very supportive audio that brought up a relevant word for me to look at and that’s ‘impress’ and impression, where the question was brought up of investigating who we are and where we stand in relation to this word.

I’ve realized that there is this existent undercurrent and constant intent within me of wanting to leave an impression, a ‘mark’ on a person no matter how menial or profound our paths or interactions are. That’s me then looking at creating an impression upon them, which nowadays relates more to in any possible way create an opening for others to see things a little bit more different in life, where I can possibly plant a seed to question ourselves more, to desire to learn more about ourselves as human beings – this is based on the kind of person I am creating as myself, a person that can actually have something meaningful to always share whether through words, actions, or sheer presence, that’s the kind of ‘impression’ I’d like to develop as an expression of myself. I have to admit it can become a ‘drive’ in me that likes to dig into the deeper dimensions within individuals whenever I get the chance to do so, and be vulnerable myself because I also see that ‘masking’ ourselves through pretension in wanting to be accepted or liked through lies/deception/masks is doing nothing more than recreating the false-sense of ‘individualities’ that we’ve taken as a normal human trait, which are all based on preferences, likes, personalities, cultural influences and the rest of it that are nothing else but disguises, ‘tags’ that we’ve adopted in order to ‘differentiate’ ourselves from one another.

But even if this ‘drive’ seems supportive, I also have to be prudent and moderate because sometimes I can get a bit out of hand with being a bit too unconventional in situations where others might not be entirely understanding ‘where I am coming from ‘and that can cause a ‘wrong impression’ that would take some time to walk through with others, and sometimes there are no possibilities or ‘second opportunities’ to do so – therefore, I have to remind myself of moderating myself, my expression, being patient in considering others as well, yet without compromising myself either, but developing the real me as an expression that stands in support of myself and so possibly stand as an inspiration or example for others to consider doing the same as well.

I’d like to make a case of looking at the possibilities and ability we have of leaving an impression on others that is more meaningful in the sense of ‘who we are’ as human beings, our substance – not our disguise, our masks, what we look like or wear or what we ‘carry around’ with us – but allow our own thoughts, words and actions speak for themselves. That’s the kind of person that I’ve been working on creating as myself, but this wasn’t always ‘the way’ it’s been.

I also have had and still walk through the other programming in the word ‘impress’ where there was almost an inherent experience in me where I saw myself also as having a potential to ‘impress’ or ‘be naturally charming’ which would then create a form of benefit with other people – but even as subtle as it was, it became also a reason to deliberately challenge my own image and do something a bit more ‘radical’ that could put to test this aspect of myself based on image. I shaved my head and then have tested out who I am when I am not relying on a sense of ‘beauty’ to present myself to others – or any other artifices – but keep it as simple and natural as can be. This is not me making a statement that it is superficial to have hair or do makeup or anything like that, I did believe some of that at some point but I have decided to not compare or judge others, this is about me and a particular path I am walking in a very personal way when it comes to how I have decided to present myself, which in my starting point and view is a way to ‘get past’ the appearance –even if we can’t ever get ‘rid’ of an appearance per se, we can decide to challenge it in ways that are not harmful or hurtful ‘towards others’ but a way to test oneself, and to me shaving my head has been one of them, plus letting go of a desire for recognition at the same time at an egotistical level, but more in constantly letting go of any pretense and just be, which is quite a challenge at times and it’s more of a fine balance between all of these points that becomes a constant practice.

Talking about ‘desiring to impress’ others from a point of inferiority in my past. I tried to impress people that I was interested on having a particular relationship with, which meant my whole starting point toward them was of desire, of seeing or comparing myself to them and assessing I was ‘inferior’ therefore, I had to ‘impress’ others through – in my case – knowledge and information in order to be liked or accepted by particular people. This includes personality traits that I believed would be able to ‘be liked’ by males particularly and of course this led me to live more for ‘others’ than for myself. There were times where I got so ‘sucked into’ a relationship where I lost my sense of individuality and my own life, as I was living for others, upgrading my personality ‘based on others’ preferences’ and desirable traits. This is definitely Not the way to live, it becomes an experience of being ‘racing’ towards something all the time, fearing losing that one person or ‘thing’ that one is getting/obtaining through constantly having to ‘impress’ or ‘keep impressing’ to maintain a particular relationship.

This was exhausting, not only for me but because I’d see the other person would also fall into the same game and I pondered why we were believing that we just ‘weren’t enough’ for each other… that’s the kind of relationships that of course have to come to an end because we are not being self-honest with oneself in who we really are and being vulnerable in rather acknowledging each one’s flaws and weaknesses in order to strengthen them in each other as a form of support or natural outflow of being in a supportive relationship. That becomes a richer process and it is definitely liberating to create relationships where we share ourselves as we are, without any pretense, without trying to be something that we are not, because what do we know if we transform ourselves for the sake of ‘a relationship’ with a particular person? We are not living for ourselves, we are entirely existing in a constant inferiority spot that becomes a constant experience of fear, of jealousy, of comparison if one is not yet valuing oneself as an equal to that other individual.

Therefore the whole desire to ‘impress’ in itself already rings an alarm that we can use as a flag-point to instead ask ourselves: where am I perceiving myself as ‘not good enough’? Where and toward who am I comparing myself when believing that I must ‘impress them’ and beat other competition, so that I can be the ‘chosen one’ in this situation or within a certain relationship? Why am I allowing myself to compromise who I am for the sake of creating a relationship with a person? And then, pushing oneself to be self-honest to see how if we tolerate this starting point of inferiority and wanting to impress others through presenting ourselves as something that we are not, we eventually get caught up in our own lies and the deception eventually catches upon us.

It reminds me of a movie that I watched last year called ‘A Perfect Man’ where this aspiring writer sees himself as incapable of writing a good story that could get published, so he finds the manuscript of a dead person and turns it into ‘his first novel’, which gives him the fame and recognition he was looking for, eventually leading him to have ‘the perfect life’ and his ‘perfect relationship’; but all of the pretense and lies eventually catch up to him as reality knocks the door. That movie precisely left me considering how far we can take ourselves in order to be ‘living’ a lie, and how much of a burden this pretension becomes just because one wasn’t wise enough to rather develop oneself, practice and create the necessary skills in order to eventually master something or get to be ‘good at’ doing or being something as an actual process of self-creation, instead of jumping into a ‘quick fix’ based on self-deception and lies, because of believing that one wasn’t good enough without ‘extra magic’ which in this case I’d refer to magic as all the characters, personalities, ‘extra traits’ that we might act out/fake in order to impress others.

So what I did to walk through from this ‘desire to impress’ from a starting point of self-interest – like acquiring a particular relationship – to the ability to make an impression on others in a natural way or as an expression of who I am is precisely linked to walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness. It is about letting go of one’s self-judgment, fears or insecurities and so desires based on a rather unfortunate common perception of seeing ourselves as inferior, seeing ourselves as ‘not good enough’ – which leads us to constantly devalue who we are and seek ways to be accepted, to be liked, to be loved, to be ‘irreplaceable’ in a relationship – yet, it actually gets oneself in very tricky situations where we may become ‘the perfect fit’ that we’ve modeled ourselves to according to someone’s desires, and in doing so not only do we trap ourselves to ‘always be all of that’ for that one person, but we also cage themselves in becoming entirely dependent on us and believing that all of those ‘desires’ they aspired to obtain are real traits or are ‘realistic’ in the way that one is compromising oneself to portray or act like ‘for another’. This probably happens more often than I am aware of, and what happens is that it turns into an unsustainable relationship – as it was in any case – where one eventually can’t keep up with the ‘act,’ because it’s no different to being inflating a bubble until it pops – and all bubbles have to burst! That’s a fact of life and a very necessary one, because all that ‘inflates’ those bubbles is everything that we fuel within our minds as ideas, beliefs, perceptions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires that we impose onto ourselves as ‘who we are’ and ‘what defines us.’

So, once that one walks through a process of dropping or shedding these layers of self-compromise, what is left is ‘the real me’ that I can then focus on redefining, on nurturing, growing, expanding as a myself, as the real being that I am that goes beyond a particular image or façade created ‘for others’. In this I have in fact found my own skin and a sense of individuality that I can then honor as myself because it does change everything about oneself when we decide to no longer feed one’s ego in every step that we take in our lives, and instead decide to change ‘what we are all about’ as the kind of person that rather stands as a point of change in relation to what has been accepted as ‘normal’ or ‘normal-lies’ (normalized) that in my particular life and experience, I have definitely taken on the point of ‘rattling the cages of the caged’ as in deciding to physically as a ‘first impression’ have an unusual presentation which is that of shaving my head which I’ve been doing up to this month for 7 years now and it’s been quite assisting to me to be honest considering how much I had also debased myself according to beliefs on my appearance and so challenging myself further with removing one aspect that people would usually associate with ‘beauty’ or ‘sexuality’, I then present myself in a way where I make a clear statement of what I am about, of what I am ‘into.’ This has become a source of conversations throughout the  years that open up different ways to explain why I do it and what is it that I work on or explain my ‘views’ to random people in various contexts. That has been cool but it’s after all not so much about how it is received upon others, because I am also aware that it sometimes might alienate people that might be in their particular process and position a bit judgmental about appearance, but that’s entirely up to each one and it’s understandable as well based on how ingrained our parameters of beauty or presentation extend to.

But beyond making it about facing my image towards people, after all of these years of having worked on various reactions and upon seeing the plethora of reactions it might cause, I’ve learned to let go of focusing on ‘how others see me’ and instead make it my own, see it as my own physical representation of the principles I am dedicating my life to embody and continue expanding on.

I’ve also questioned myself if this makes me too ‘image driven’ at the same time as I know it does create a particular ‘impact’ or ‘impression’ on people at a first glance level, but it is still then only an image – what I however have liked over the years is how this particular self-created difference as a ‘haircut’ or the lack thereof can open up conversations that I would have to get to in a longer period of time with people, sometimes it becomes a catalyst to jump straight to explaining about this process and set of principles if the person is willing to hear the reasoning behind it, but ultimately I do it as myself.

 If we can make an impression or ‘stand out’ in the crowd then, let’s stand out for all the good reasons like being acknowledged as an individual that can be an example of a different way of living, not only in the ‘external ways’ but most importantly in the internal ways, to leave a mark and create an impression that can assist other people in possibly discovering more about ourselves as individuals beyond ‘first impressions’ and facades and the rest of cover-ups we create through our minds that become like layers that we then have to get rid of – one by one – in order to eventually get to the core of ourselves and from there, be able to decide who we really want to be, what kind of person do I want to create as myself based on what is best for all and considering self-honesty.

This is then a much more meaningful and honorable process that in itself is already ‘making a stand’ and requires no particular emphasis to ‘create a good impression’ on others, because our thoughts, words and deeds will speak by themselves, by ourselves, and that’s the kind of expression that will create an impression by default, an expression that I have to keep fine tuning, working on, deconstructing and reconstructing, which is my own impression or imprinting of words, attitudes and actions that are beneficial for me, so that I can stand as the better version of the that can in turn assist many others more to break out of the pretense and inferiority in order to discover the genuine self that exists in all of us as a potential yet to be discovered and developed.

Thanks for reading

 

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