Tag Archives: self creation

613. Understanding

 

This has been a keyword for myself over this year that’s closing today and I’ve found great satisfaction and even pleasure in getting to understand myself – and not only myself – but also get to know and understand others better. It makes everything much simpler and much more enriching and expansive to place myself in a position of unconditionally getting to know myself and others, getting to know more facts and details about each person that I’ve come to establish a relationship in one way or another throughout this year, which started with rekindling a relationship with myself after having placed myself in a ‘second position’ in my life for a while based on having focused too much on others or trying to change people in and through relationships.

This last point however is one that I have to constantly be aware of within me, which comes along with believing I can say something that can suddenly inspire others to be better or change things in their life. I noticed how this desire still comes through as ‘subtle suggestions’ that I believe would better people’s lives in one way or another. I had fun discussing about these things with someone that has had the same ‘weakness’ as I have when dealing with people or standing in a position of guidance or leadership, and the conclusion is that there is a need to let go whenever there’s this imperious need that comes like an urge to want to influence others or make them change their mind or just do things the way I do. It is ludicrous, I know, and not every person may experience this, but I’ve found people that go through this exact same ‘inner conflict’ at times to know when to step back, when to intervene, when to give a little push, when to open up something that is quite obvious to be talked about with another and the realization is that there is no magical formula for it.

It is and will be something that one can direct according to the person, who we are in relation to them, the nature of the relationship, how far we are able to walk with the person through a certain process and how involved are we in fact able to be within such process of assisting others in ways that are actually sustainable, without compromising one’s own life or maiming another’s growth and realizations. Ultimately what I see is that this also comes from a desire to prevent people from walking consequence, but I’ve also come to understand how for myself and probably for many more people, walking through consequence is at times a needed thing in order to learn things that we might not have gotten to understand unless we had walked down the ‘wrong’ path so to speak, so I had to understand this ability to make mistakes and learn from it as part of the learning and growing process.

To me it’s relevant to check out whenever I am stepping into the ‘savior syndrome’ or wanting to ‘change others’ as a primary focus in my life, and how that is also indicating that I am not focusing on myself sufficiently, which is why I go focusing more in others’ lives in an attempt to provide ‘guidance’ or ‘support,’ but as I’ve been there and done that many times, I can’t base my whole life in being ‘that’ for others, because it leads to bitterness and dissatisfaction. I’ve also come to understand my role is to live myself to the best and fullest I can and stop trying to diminish myself and my existence to be ‘there for others’ all the time.

More so than before, I am realizing how each one has a very specific path to walk and that it doesn’t really require my direct intervention on it – yep! As far fetched as it may sound some of us have this idea that we have to be constantly ‘intervening’ in things and people’s lives if they are any close to us to ‘change them for the better,’ which is quite the impossible savior task that I definitely have to let go of. I’ve instead come to understand how this is simply a more natural process that opens up based on being part of someone’s life and process – but, it’s not something that I have to deliberately go finding or seeking to do either.

I used to be existing within this almost anxious state of being of having to constantly be correcting, suggesting things for others to be changed or wanting to save them in whichever way I came to be aware of. As I was discussing this with a friend of mine recently, I realized how it is still quite a thing for me to let go of, that urge and need to tell others that they are messing up their life if they continue to do this/that or question their detrimental habits and ways in an attempt to make them think about themselves and their lives a bit further.

So, a point that I have to continue working on is letting go of this need to ‘create an impact’ on others and deliberately seeking to do that, and instead focus on creating myself, focusing on being that very person that I’d like to become as an example and inspiration for others to consider what living a life in a supportive manner means. Therefore this is the end of the preacher and converter for a better life and instead get fully into working on myself. Sure, I can give feedback and support if asked for it, but I will continue to watch out whenever I feel an urge or ‘need’ to change someone’s life with my words or actions.

This is all to me part of my process of understanding myself, understanding my design, my needs and experiences in order to now let others be, let others walk the path they decide to walk and simply be here when and if people ever want to ask and know more about myself or different ways of living – and if it never happens, that’s ok too. Actions speak louder than words and that’s what I want to focus on: living words and that’s where I meet with myself, instead of trying to find myself through having an impact or influencing others in their own life.

Here’s to the closure of a life changing year where my world was flipped upside down in various ways and where I decided to mark the beginning of the new me, the creation of myself and this point explained here is a key stepping stone in this new phase in my life.

Thanks for reading and walking with

 

Understanding

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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606. Stepping into Self Creation

Or how to walk through the Mother-Theresa type of personality design in order to start considering myself in the equation of self-creation

I’ve been working with something practically throughout the past month and that has to do with embracing the new potentials within my life and letting go of various ways in which I had kept myself limited within an idea of not being able to step beyond what I would had considered my life ‘had to be’ like.

In essence this specifically has to do with embracing the enjoyment that I can experience when taking on and walking the opportunity to start focusing on what I truly want to live in my life and embracing the moments as I walk through that, letting go of my constant worry/preoccupation about what I ‘have to do’ and not allowing myself to enjoy life essentially, because of constantly thinking that ‘not everyone in the world can enjoy what I am enjoying in the moment’ therefore using that as a way to deny, suppress and even hide any genuine experience of enjoyment in self creation and hiding that satisfaction with myself because of what I think, believe or perceive ‘others’ will feel about themselves if ‘they’ are not being able to live that/do the same for themselves in their own lives.

This has been a lifelong pattern, where very early on in school years I decided I didn’t want to be seen as ‘superior’ to others due to getting certain grades in school, therefore I created this idea that I had to ‘diminish myself’ in one way or another so as to be ‘more equal’ to the rest of the group, even if that didn’t necessarily implied me lowering my skills or grades to be ‘equal to others,’ but this did exist to a level of not wanting to be truly outstanding and embracing my potential because of thinking that ‘others can’t have ‘the same’ as me, therefore I cannot place myself ‘above’ others or ‘have it easier/better than others,’ which became a point of self-sabotage in seeking to ‘be at the background’ and not truly take that position that I know I could have taken in my life, because of not wanting to be seen as ‘more than’ others… not realizing that it was all in my head in my own constructions or paradigms of superiority and inferiority.

Fortunately I know I am not the only one that has experienced this and that it is a fairly common thing to go through when certain things come with ease in one’s life, and the reasons for this are currently for the most part unknown to me, but all I know is that it involves more responsibility at the same time in ensuring that one can then stand in a position in this world where we can then do what we can to assist and support others to realize and understand our ability to create our potential in our lives.

So, the way that I decided to live early on in my life is to become like Mother Theresa, which Is why I call it the mother-theresa complex, where there was this sense of martyrdom and wanting to ‘stay’ at the level of those that were quite troubled in their lives and having conflict within and without of themselves, because in one way or another I thought I could help them – or in a way thinking that their lives, their difficulty and struggle was ‘more real’ than having things come ‘with ease’ in one’s life, where there’s no visible struggle, no suffering, no pain so to speak – therefore I deliberately created conflict and struggle in my life just to have ‘something to talk about’ with others and ‘relate’ to their lives, yep.

This lead me to create relationships with friendships or partnerships where I had to diminish myself in my living potential in order to apparently be able to ‘support another’ to eventually stand ‘equal to me’ at the level that I was aware I could live and embody in my life. The result always led me to over and over and over again realize that I cannot keep trying to ‘do good’ and ‘help others’ that by their own decision and nature are not doing all that they can to stand up from their limited position – in whichever way it was, financially, emotionally, family wise, etc. – and every single time I tried to be the one that ‘helped them out’ until I got to experience the consequences that result from me trying to ‘do good’ to another in a relationship and it simply became an unsustainable point that I had to sort out in a single decision to stop creating relationships and personalities that stand for my own and another’s self-diminishment.

In a way, this implies having walked through the consequences of believing that I had to be there to ‘help’ others even when they are clearly not helping themselves out, trying to ‘do good’ and in doing so, believe that it was some sort of life mission to do so for me. Well, I certainly was missing myself in the equation where I’ve seen how much I’ve compromised myself for an overt consideration ‘towards others’ and missing myself in truly and honestly asking ‘Is this really what I want to live and create in my life?’ and looking back at my previous relationship for example, I see how I was diminishing myself in my living potential in order to create a satisfactory environment to assist another, even if the other person was not necessarily willing to support themselves to begin with. That’s self-compromise and that had become the very constant in my life, the masked ‘good-doer’ personality that kept me bound to a limited position in my life.

I still got much more to walk through when it comes to this personality for sure. An example is how I had a nagging resistance to share pictures in social media about my latest trip to be with my new partner, because ‘oh not everyone can enjoy that, they will feel bad about it’ which in fact reflects back to how I had resistance to watch others developing and creating their lives because I wasn’t really doing that for myself at the time.

And this is a simple example of many other thoughts and considerations that I’ve created in my mind in relation to ‘others’ where I would not be open to the world for example about things that I’ve accomplished or simply enjoyed because ‘what will the world say about me just ‘showing off’ my success and self enjoyment?’ Instead of realizing that I was the one that was judging others’ lives and shares as ‘flaunting’ or ‘showing off’ their lives or ‘being too positive’ associating all of it with ‘not everyone can have such enjoyment and recreation in life’ which was my own constant judgment as an excuse to not actually do the necessary decisions and changes in my life to dare to create that for myself as well. So it never really was ‘about others’ but it always has been about myself limiting my ability to step beyond the idea of ‘who I had to be’ in relation to others and for once, start focusing on myself, my self creation.

This is also  something quite cool to look at in terms of how I had been judging those shares in terms of pictures, relationships, living creations as ‘too good to be true’ or ‘too positive’ for my previous frontal personality of being more geared to remain in limitation, remain hooked on ‘life’s misery’ and focusing on ‘all that’s wrong and bad in the world’, all the tragedies and in that attempting to ‘change things’ while refusing to embrace and create such living potential in me… yep, wow! Isn’t it? But it is perfectly masked in the ‘good doer’ mentality of deciding to remain in limitation or ‘helping someone out’ even if that means limiting my own potential. That’s the mother-Theresa complex right there, the martyrdom construct of ‘I have to also suffer because the majority of the world is suffering too.’

Well, that’s clear to me that’s definitely NOT the way to live and I’ve been proving to myself that yes, all that it takes is actually having the courage to step into such potential that we can develop when having the principles, the intent, and will to do the actual work it takes to get to live the lives that we actually see are best for ourselves and in that, realizing that would in fact the way of living that is best for everyone as well.

What did I have to learn to go of? Morality and judgments. This strange sense of ‘compassion’ where I thought I could not even display a picture of being in a supportive relationship where I’m actually having fun and enjoying life because of already thinking – read projecting my own judgments – about ‘all the many that don’t have such a cool relationship and oh what will they feel when they see that?’ Well, I have had to start shedding such projections of my own with regards to what I used to actually think and feel when looking at other people’s pictures and now embrace my own point of creation and living potentials.

I also have to realize that what I am able to live, express and create right now in my life hasn’t been entirely a ‘ride in the park’ so to speak, there’s been a lot of self-work and trial and error situations and relationships where I have had to continually change my course of actions in order to redefine myself, and this doesn’t come easily and has required a lot of courage at times to take drastic decisions to do so, as I’ve shared in the past months as well in my writings.

But I am entirely happy and glad I had the guts and courage to do so, otherwise I would still be stuck in believing that I had to remain ‘limited’ in order to support others… that’s definitely a faulty idea right there and now I am working on embracing the ‘new me’ or the me that has always been there, but was  covered up with all kinds of fears, judgments and morality as to why I wasn’t embracing my potential, my ability to enjoy life in creating for example a relationship that is supportive, where there are plans in common, where there are principles in common and the same foundation and direction of what we want to do in our lives.

Why should I feel ashamed or hide what I have decided to create in my life? It’s ludicrous! But that’s how I would usually operate in my mind, having to ‘remain limited’ in order to ‘be normal’ or be like ‘most of the people,’ yep, wow! But that’s exactly what I did in my life before, making decisions that I fully knew were not supportive yet did them anyways because of wanting to be more like ‘the majority’ with lots of inner conflict and struggle and try and ‘help them out,’ which I am quite aware by now I created on purpose to have something to ‘share in common’ with others… yep, not kidding, that’s how I created a bunch of personalities based on books, tormented artists and the rest of it so that I could create a sense of being a ‘lost soul’ and have my life be seemingly ‘tormented’ and full of doom and gloom because I was not willing to embrace life and what we can in fact do to live a fulfilling and supportive life.

However I don’t regret it at all, it has allowed me to also get to understand about real struggle, pain, discomfort, emotional experiences and how far and deep these can go if we don’t act on them. It has also allowed me to get comfortable with my own ‘dark side’ which is surely there,  and in that I have been able to now understand what it means to change oneself from these more ‘negative affinities’ in life to simply supportive ways of living, without going into the opposite end of ‘fluffy positivity’ so to speak either.

Now here I’m not placing myself in a ‘special case’ either, but I share this because I am sure there’s more people that have this sense of self-sabotage to not really embrace one’s achievements, success, enjoyment or happiness in life because of believing that we have to always feel the pain, feel the struggle of the majority of the world.

To me this is challenged with something as simple as demonstrating affection for someone in a public place, hell! I would not do that before! Because of thinking/projecting that ‘other people would feel bad for not being able to have that in their lives!’ which was me over-considering others’ lacks, which are only reflecting my own judgments and my own reactions when seeing what others have and what I had not yet decided to create in my life.

So once that I’ve realized that I’ve been the sole creator of this diminishment, these judgments and limitations, I can at the same time decide to embrace myself, and nope, it’s not easy. I resisted posting anything about me enjoying life for weeks on end, just because of judging that as ‘too conceited’ or ‘too vain’ or ‘too positive’ or whatever… yet all of those are labels, experiences that I had judged in my past – which I am now walking in real time – are a way for me to finally embrace and let the world know that yep, I can embrace the fruit of my own self-work as well as embracing the potential and capacity I have to now create my life, live fully and trust myself in continuing to take on supportive actions and decisions that will be best for me and others as well.

A very supportive audio that allowed me to see this design is the following one Bringing Yourself Down when Others are Down – Quantum Mind Self Awareness, so check it out if you can relate to this kind of ‘design’ in our personalities.

Of course none of this would be possible without the Desteni Process so this is me sharing the result of years of walking this process in order to finally start stepping into the being and embodying the person that I truly decide to live and express Guiño 

 

Stepping into the New

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


575. Giving Myself the Green Light

Or daring to transcend self-imposed limitations (fears) and learning about myself in doing so

I’ve been reflecting on the various ways that I had abdicated my own authority and existed in a ‘waiting mode’ expecting something or someone to become an ‘authority’ in my life to give me the ‘green light’ so to speak to do certain things, to validate my capabilities and in essence expecting some form of ‘external proof’ of who I am/what I am capable of living and doing. I’ve seen this has been in part influenced due to at a very deep level not wanting to embrace the full responsibility that comes with taking the steps, the actions to be something/create something and ‘giving myself permission’ and paving the path to walk upon and in essence live out the outflows of that point of creation.

The same comes when deciding to live a word for example, where a slight expectation or fear comes when thinking and believing that ‘Oh well now I have to ‘live up to my words’ and apply myself in changing this/that in my life’ as if that was something to fear myself not being capable of doing, not being able to follow through with or fearing failing on it from the get go, which is a self-sabotage mechanism where I would instead rather ‘not go there at all’ as in not declaring for myself ‘I’m going to finally change this/that in my life’ because of already fearing not being able to ‘keep up with it’ from the get go… wow! That’s quite a fuck up, isn’t it? Giving up and believing one can’t actually do something that is assessed in self-honesty as the best way to live within ourselves, in our lives.  Or, believing that something/someone else should give us that ‘permission’ to do so, to give us that confirmation that we can in fact go ahead and change, expand, grow, test and try new things. Yep, been there and done that all the way and I’ve seen how more and more I appreciate the ability to be left ‘in the darkness’ in relation to many things where I had to then push myself to give myself direction and ‘give life’ to things, projects, outcomes in my life.

I looked at this notion of ‘waiting for the catalyst’ in my life as explained in this awesome Eqafe.com audio Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review, which I can relate to. I’ve also had different people in my life that I defined as ‘authorities’ or ‘influences’ over me that in one way or another gave me that confidence and reassurance for me to ‘go ahead!’ and do something that I was eternally doubting myself capable of doing. Now, it’s not like I should ‘not’ need this ‘at all’, there’s always a time and place for everything in life and I consider we all need that ‘pat on the back’ to ‘go for it’ in many ways. Though there also comes a point in life where I realize I have to stop waiting for this ‘external catalyst’ to exist for me and instead give myself the authority to do it, to have the ability to discern who I am/where I am and how I am currently living in my life and what kind of things I can test out, place into application or what I am ‘ready to do’ based on how I see myself.  

So, I saw how self-doubt for example has been a constant in me that still emerges in any creative process and upon noticing it, all I can do is give myself that green light myself and test something out, take the risk, being ok with mistakes, learning from myself in those moments where I see that I’d like some kind of reassurance about something being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ so, in a way learning to step out of my own judgment, morality and fears in order to reassure that self-authority – which is not a position of superiority or authoritarianism, but rather a full disclosure of self-responsibility and accountability that comes with what I decide to be, create and do something differently as part of my change, and in my case specifically not limiting myself through fears.

An example here is that upon my last blog, a part of me later on went into doubt if it was sounding ‘too egotistical’ in a way, or if I was placing myself on a pedestal or if others could read me as being arrogant etc.… which are all judgments that I’ve had towards myself as the result of me having placed way too much value on ‘how others see me’ and leading to self-compromise – all of it being fueled by fears and self-doubt. So, I decided to not go into self-doubt and instead stick to my words, if it causes a consequence and I have to face it, that’s awesome, I can learn from it. If I can get feedback from someone giving me another perspective I’ve missed in it that would be awesome too, I can then consider how it is being read by others and see what I can align within myself about it.

However, going through the road of ‘rather not saying it/doing it/challenging myself to declare it because I fear I cannot live up to my words’ is definitely no longer the way for me, because I’ve seen how much I have limited myself in my life, my time and compromising me based on this notion that I had to keep myself at a ‘very basic level’ to not stand up in my ‘full potential’ in a moment, which again is not an idea of ‘almightiness’ but simply giving that ‘best that I can’ in my day to day, and not settling for the least which is what I see I can apply this creative authority in my life: giving myself the ‘permission’ in a way, being the only one that can in fact do so in my life and be my own motivation, where I don’t keep waiting for something/someone to give a reassurance of who I am/what I do in order to move, create, test things out, change, expand and explore.

I consider it will be the other way around where once I have given myself that ‘green light’ and actually ‘put myself out there’ as it’s said, then I can get feedback and take it into consideration, but to not limit myself based on what I believe I should ‘be given by others’ in order for me to move. Who else ‘should’ do it but myself/ourselves!? And that’s an aspect that implies daring to take risks, being ok if I fuck something up, if I make mistakes, if I find I’m deviating from principles, if I see that I’m going back to ‘old ways’ that are not supportive = all of that is entirely on me and able to be assessed in self-honesty – and I would eventually know through how I create and live my life and the results thereof if it is effective/supportive or not.

All I have is then myself, my responsibility, the tools of developing personal insight and self-investigation through self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to get myself back on track if I ‘lose my way’ as well – and any other additional support/reference from others which is I’d say greatly needed in this process as cross-reference and feedback to fine tune and align myself – however the rest is entirely up to me: being my starting point, my motivation, going for it in the full expression it implies, because I know I would greatly regret not doing so later on in my life.

So, ‘daring’ to step out of this self-conditioning and self-compromise into a personal stance of ‘this is me, this is who I am, this is what I do’ and fully own it. That’s a supportive way to live self-authority and creative authority, where I can practically walk through the fear of making mistakes or fear of not being ‘accurate’ in something and instead, learn from it, grow within it and nurture myself from such experiences, instead of getting to a point in my life where I regret ‘not having given myself the authority to do so.’ No matter where one is in one’s life, it’s never too late to consider ‘going for it’ and expanding our horizons this way.

Thanks for reading.

Suggested audios for more support:

Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review

Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life – Life Review – Part 2

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


572. Selfishness and Equilibrium in Self Creation

Or redefining selfishness

I am looking at this word with the purpose of practically using it as a way to integrate ‘me-time’ and self-consideration when it comes to day to day living activities where, as I’ve explained in the past, I’ve had a tendency to put-off everything that had to do with ‘me-time’ and self-enjoyment time and instead geared myself with the idea of ‘always having to be doing something I’d define as productive, of use to others, of benefit to others’ and in that, create certain satisfaction of yes ‘producing something’ that to my eyes and consideration is of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ based on the support It could directly provide to others, but in this, I was at the same time neglecting this me-time where I can in fact disconnect from everything/everyone and as this awesome recording Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155 explains, have this time where one does something for oneself, for one’s enjoyment at least for an hour every day.

I’ve walked in a way quite a process with this, because I’ve made it a habit to go walking on almost a daily basis for almost a decade now and I’ve defined that as the ‘me time’ where I go out for more than an hour and get away from computer and my usual environment where I created that deliberately notion of ‘I have to be doing something’, which has been supportive over time and an enjoyable time.

However, there were other hobbies and things I previously enjoyed doing that I completely put off and stopped doing altogether, like arts – painting, drawing, photography – because of defining it as something ‘selfish to do’ because I deemed it as ‘not useful for anyone’ as in ‘benefitting them in their life and process’ which was the kind of logic that I’ve used for quite some time to constantly decide and assess what I ‘should be doing’ and in that, I definitely refrained myself many times from actually doing what I’ve naturally enjoyed doing for myself before, including reading, playing music which I have to be quite honest I haven’t done in a very long time.

To me this denial of doing that which I enjoyed became a definition of a ‘virtue’ as I explained in previous blogs, and in that believing that this was part of the process, to stop doing that which would give me some kind of enjoyment or personal satisfaction and only focus on that which ‘benefits everyone else’ in one way or another. However this is only at a mind level, because I definitely not only did that with my time in reality, I could have easily integrated this ‘me time’ or ‘selfish time’ while continuing doing what I was focusing on at the time in the past, but in my absolutism, extremism and ‘black or white’ mentality, I tended to completely ‘cut my arm off’ and believe that I just could not give me the time to do something that I judged in one way or another as ‘selfish to do.’

Now, where did notion of ‘having to deny to myself’ doing that which I would naturally enjoy doing and that I had judged as ‘unproductive, useless, good for no one’ led me? Well, it was leading me to a reality of not building anything for/as myself that I could genuinely call ‘me’ and ‘for myself’ entirely, in a way having this ‘selfish activity’ where I can not only enjoy myself but actually support me to transcend all of the judgments, denials, ideas, beliefs and even self-doubt and giving up experiences that I’ve imposed onto something as seemingly ‘simple’ as painting or doing any form of artwork.

So, it is so as the audio I mentioned above explains on how in only focusing on one’s work/responsibilities, on what we have to constantly be doing ‘for others,’ and not taking time for oneself,  one is actually missing out on oneself, not really getting in contact with who we are, what we want to do and in fact see what is it that I have left ‘behind’ in this notion that ‘I cannot be selfish with my time’ and have denied myself to do that I in fact enjoy and assists me the most in developing my creative potential as a person, learn more about myself and even assists me in expanding and growing, which I had completely forgotten about myself how dedicate and detailed I can be when doing something that I am enjoying to give shape to : )

Interestingly enough I had not entirely seen how my idea of giving up something ‘selfish’ was in fact also due to the various patterns that emerge within me when having a ‘blank slate’ and create something in the moment, which even as I write this there is this very slight movement that I feel on my forearms, almost like a physical remembrance of how I have to dare and make decisions to move, to do, to create something while facing the inner judge  where I would constantly say ‘no’ to what I defined as my ‘selfish desires’ and instead direct me to do something that I defined as more productive, of support for others, advancing work/responsibilities, etc.

So the consequences of not giving myself this ‘selfish time’ so to speak is, as I’ve been explaining before, that I did get to a point of feeling like there is something ‘missing’ in it all. One can be a very ‘responsible’ person for something set that we have to do on a daily basis, but one is not really developing, growing and expanding out of one’s comfort zone which becomes work, responsibilities, and the ‘daily tasks’ that are constant or ‘always the same,’ which leads to a dissatisfaction about one’s life with an experience of lostness of ‘where am I within this whole equation? Where am I going with my life? What is it that I am creating for me, for myself, that I enjoy and that is not related to constantly doing it ‘for money/ for others’? And that’s how I opened up the point of doing art again, because of the ‘conflictive’ relationship I had created towards it within myself based on this morality-eye of it being something ‘selfish’ for me to do, almost existing in a denial of enjoyment, of having this thing that I do for, as and by myself.

Another example is I thoroughly enjoy putting jigsaw puzzles together. In past years I’ve done quite a few, thousands of pieces etc. yet, I started judging it as ‘a waste of time,’ as something that is ‘insignificant to do’ or that doesn’t ‘benefit anyone else,’ and in that, have stopped making them, except for a time when I got sick some 4 years ago where I was ‘ordered by doctor’ to rest more, which was also the result of me taking a sudden leap of ‘taking responsibility’ for something in an attempt to ‘direct the ship’ in an unprecedented situation so to speak, which over time ‘led me’ but in fact ‘I led myself to’ have a form of burnout manifested in my physical body in quite an obvious manner. So that’s the time I last made a puzzle… so! should I wait to get sick again and be ‘ordered to take some rest’ to then ‘give me the permission’ to do something I enjoy/for fun? Hell no. It might not be ‘puzzles’ right now, but it sure can be something else that I enjoyed.

This also leads me to touch on the word ‘leisure’ as well because I’ve had a ‘no go’ relationship to this word where the notion of ‘taking time off’ or ‘vacation’ sounds good but it’s never a ‘full disconnect’ for me, and it hasn’t been that way for many, many years, probably 7 years where I had restrained access to internet in order to fully disconnect from everything. And, I discovered that’s where I then focused more on my relationships with people, on enjoying the moments with ‘doing nothing’ or watching others’ lives go by and what did I naturally geared myself to? Photography. Yet at the time, there was a constant nagging thought of ‘all the work/responsibilities I’m missing out on right now’ and ‘all that I will eventually have to catch up to’ which became a form of ‘anxiety,’ which is not cool at all. I mean, if it’s vacation, it should be full vacation, completely disconnecting, and I’ve sort of tested that recently though not fully to the point of not seeing my cellphone in one entire day. Not sure that will be possible either, or at least that’s what I think at the moment, yet even if it’s not a possibility for me to ‘fully disconnect’ for some time, it can be done for a couple of hours a day and stop having this ‘work, work, work’ mentality as well, which is in a way out of a judgment and fear of ‘not being productive,’ of not doing ‘something supportive for others’ or fearing ‘being irresponsible’ in the day and in that of course implying that I’ve valued what I do and am based on how it ‘relates to others,’ instead of entirely doing it for me, as myself, my decision, my responsibility and point of accountability, which is quite different than placing ‘others’ as ‘my reason for being/doing/living.’

What I just explained is the ‘selflessness’ that I have to turn into a form of practical and moderate selfishness of course – not going into the extreme – where the principle as Bernard Poolman once shared – paraphrasing – “if you are best for you, then you are best for all” which I ‘thought’ I was doing and living already, but it takes one good look at oneself to see how much I was denying, refraining or judging myself for doing it based on seeing it through the eyes of ‘selfishness’ while at the same time covering up the actual ‘uncharted territory’ that having this me-time in fact implies as an opportunity for self-creation in whichever way I decide it to be.

What does living a practical and considerate form of selfishness as ‘me time’ or ‘living for and as myself’ mean? Two things for me:  I have to be the starting point and origin of everything I do, to stop doing things based on morality of what’s ‘good for others’ and what’s ‘useless for others’ and secondly, make a self-honest decision about how I decide to spend my time, to distribute my responsibilities throughout the day in a way where I can also ensure I give me some ‘me time’ to do what is now a form of hobby yet also ‘work’ at the same time, and stop having what I believe are ‘others eyes’ on top of that, because it’s really only been myself and my own judgments towards doing something ‘for me’ that have limited my ability to actually do it, and nope this is not a self-victimization point because I am fully aware how I did this entirely for myself, ever since I was a little girl, having this ‘duty’ mindset as my own policeman in the head, lol which proves how I had to make of ‘school work’ also art work in order to feel responsible AND creative at the same time! LOL! That’s why I didn’t have an issue with ‘how I would spend my time’ back then because I linked both ‘responsibility’ and ‘hobby’ in one, which matched my workaholic personality,  yet I don’t need to place myself ‘in school’ to do the same and I’ve been implementing this for the past weeks with cool results in my scheduling.

This is another way of looking at living creative authority, where I decide to make changes in how I approach my life, my time, my responsibilities, my ‘me time’ and see how I do/how it goes as I implement and live these changes on a daily basis.

Sure, there are some changes on how I approach things thus far, a bit less with a rush of having to be ‘on top of all things’ and whenever I get to still do that, I am learning to check with myself to see if I am pressuring myself, to the point of ‘sacrificing’ something that I ‘really wanted to do for myself’ for the sake of ‘fulfilling’ certain ideas of myself through stuff/things that I would usually do, which I also know as a somewhat former ‘workaholic’ it becomes a very ‘justifiable’ comfort zone to not be with ourselves, learn to enjoy ourselves, discover who we are when having this ‘free time’ and our creative abilities in whichever way they exist in each one of us, because that’s what has been challenging to me, and to stop the ‘dutiful’ mindset in the midst of it all, therefore that’s a current walking process for me.

What have I found in this relative ‘short’ time of giving myself more time ‘for me’ is that there is a lively spark emerging in me, based on having a reconciliation with doing arts and creating a project for it in the long run, which is certainly something that I vaguely had ‘in mind’ since the beginning of the year, but now it’s definitely a more settled and ongoing path which required me to get things going in all practical ways, from making the space to do art and then actually taking the time of the day for it, which is great so far. Now! The point is to diversify it because, as I explained, I can become artsy workaholic LOL so, I’ll look at integrating other different things to do for myself, which is a walking process as I speak. 

Now what does that mean if I become best for me as a fulfilled individual that is not only taking responsibility for things, tasks, commitments ‘as usual’ but also takes the time for personal recreation and leisure and self-enjoyment? Well that’s definitely the kind of life that I consider we should all have where there’s an equilibrium in doing what we ‘have to do’ based on yes living in a survival system, requiring money and the rest of it – and also giving oneself this me-time which definitely assists in placing our lives/our ways/our paths into perspective and leaves space for creation, self-creation, creativity, recreation – whichever way it can be placed – which is a regenerative process as I see it, very necessary to be in fact self-satisfied, which will prevent me from getting to a point in life where I’m bitter, dissatisfied and believing I’ve done ‘so much for others’ but not really living my life for and as myself.

So! I prevent myself from doing that from here on and create an equilibrium in my day to day living, which means I become a ‘healthy’ person that is living in a world of yes responsibilities, tasks, commitments and ‘selfish time’ or ‘me time’, where I am a part of the whole that lives according to what I consider is suitable, healthy, balanced and enjoyable for/as life itself in this reality.  

Thanks for reading.

 Artwork002 color

                                                         

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


571. Reinventing Myself

Or how to live the words creative authority to change that which no longer suits the person I want to be and express

I find it very interesting to see the kind of contradictions that I’ve been ‘subtly’ living in when considering that in principle “I stand for what’s best for all life, the real expression of life in everything we are and do” – however I found myself at the same time making of these statements a sort of rigid imposition upon myself in my own life, which at the same time ends up being a form of projection through which I would go judging the rest of the world as people’s lives and decisions that I would become aware of.

What does that mean? I turned these principles into a dogma for myself in my own life, where a dose of self-limitation and ‘self-denial’ ensued, where I just could not fathom myself being capable of ‘enjoying’ life and actually having a ‘good life’ where I can express and be ‘happy’ because of the belief that I somehow had to endure a ‘tough time,’ or ‘have it difficult’ in life, a form of self-imposed necessary suffering at the same rate that ‘most of the people in the world are experiencing’ in my perception, which I’ve explained in the previous blogs.

Though here I’m diving into this notion of authority and righteousness as ‘energized words’ lived through the idea of myself as a ‘virtuous person’ that lives in ‘self-denial’ and ‘self-limitation’ and perceiving that to be an ‘honorable’ example… now that’s the actual contradiction that I had been living in – still am to a certain extent – and that I have yet to completely breakthrough from as well.

For example, yesterday I was talking to myself  – yes I tend to do that when I want to clarify something that is slightly ‘bothering me’ or that triggers an underlying discomfort in me – and this emerged upon seeing that in reality when being with myself and others, I am quite an expressive person, I have no qualms in my personal interactions with others – yet, when it comes to looking at the ‘persona’ I’ve created of myself in social media for example, I definitely have limited my ability to express myself in sharing more of myself, my expression, my enjoyment, because of judging them as ‘vain’/vanity, not ‘important’ for the world, not ‘relevant’ or ‘selfish’ in some way, yet it is what I would actually like to start doing because that’s where I see the ‘spark of life’ in myself existing for the most part and that I’ve refrained myself from openly sharing about it because of seeing it as futile, no point in it, ‘too superficial’, and the list of judgments goes on… so what am I actually judging here? My own real and genuine expression at ‘others’ eyes’ in an environment such as ‘social media’.

I was reflecting as well on the role I created for myself  in my mind in the past years, creating or making of myself a personality that stands as a form of ‘authority’, that is very serious,  that does not ‘fool around’ with what I would judge as ‘menial stuff’, which is how I would judge others sharing more about their immediacy, their day to day living, being more vulnerable about it all – whereas I took myself almost as a ‘political figure’ that could not ‘reduce’ myself to that kind of sharing, which I am in realizing would in fact represent the vivid, tangible and more realistic form of change that can exist at this stage in our lives: in our day to day living, in the ‘small moments’ and the ‘details’ of our life experience that I have many times intended to share unconditionally – but! Myself as the ‘authoritarian persona’ that I’ve become would always reply back with words like ‘nah, that’s not relevant, that would be too vain, who cares? What’s the point of sharing something like that? It’s not going to change the world!’ And in that becoming my own limitation to sharing the kind of more spontaneous and uninhibited expressions which to me was a ‘no go’ because of fear of losing a certain idea of myself as this super-serious individual that is all about ‘politics’ and ‘world system change’ and forming a certain aura of ‘rigidity’ around me that I am frankly not able to relate to nowadays, because I have been significantly changing my perspective about life, myself, what I want to be, do and express and what I had ‘been all about’ before.

So! The word that came up yesterday for me was Reinventing myself, which is something that I’ve been doing while painting and seeing how can I start breaking through the ‘usual’ ways and stuff I painted before and not be afraid to entirely paint over something and start from scratch or ‘reinvent’ something that I had done before within a new ‘air’ or expression that I would have not defined as ‘myself’ or ‘my own’ or whatever else I would limit/define ‘me’ to be.

I’ve also seen how I was trapped by my own authoritarianism as a form of belief and rigidity as a ‘role’ of myself I have kept in my own mind. Of course it wasn’t anyone else but myself that did this to me, my own ideas, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I had to be at the eyes of others’ and what my apparent ‘role’ in it all was… but who placed such tags/labels onto myself? I did! And so I realized how this ability to reinvent myself was also greatly inspired in the past two days by the interview How to Stop Overcomplicating Redefining & Living Words – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 106 wherein I got to for the first time hear the term ‘creative authority’ which means realizing that whatever I decide to live as change, I am responsible for it, for the outflows of my creation and embrace such change as entirely my own, my decision, my direction, entirely responsible for it – which is actually quite empowering and damn liberating. 

This enabled me to see that I was and had been the only one placing myself in a certain ‘rigid’ position within an ‘idea’ that I wanted to project to others about ‘who I am,’ which might have been relevant in the past years, but not any longer and I am frankly quite happy to be going back to my ‘roots’ which actually have to do a lot more with expression in itself and being my own ‘creative authority’ in it, to not limit myself into a particular ‘label’ or ‘type of person’ I believed myself to ‘have to be’ or ‘take on’ as a position, and instead let loose, let go of the ‘what will other people say if I am not appearing the same way I was portraying myself to be?’

It’s very interesting because before I would say ‘Nah, I don’t’ really care about what others say or think about me,’ but this point really opened up for myself to see how I was in fact still giving too much attention to ‘how others see me’ within the realm of the internet, social media, the ‘persona’ I became that I certainly was existing as in the past, but change is here and I cannot relate to ‘that me’ any longer. I can only take ‘what’s best’ from that persona I became and direct myself to reinvent me and defining what that practically means, what kind of expressions are integrated within me that I can realistically look at?

As I write this, man! There’s an actual like stiffness in my stomach area, very subtle, but there, like an experience of nooooo! Don’t do it! As if I was going to actually ‘lose’ something of myself, but I can only fear losing that which wasn’t ‘real’ in the first place, that which stands as a point of self-definition and so limitation in my own mind. Therefore it’s time for me to expand, to change, to diversify, to test uncharted grounds, to do what I had resisted doing without fearing ‘losing my ground’ or ‘appearing vain’ or whatever else I had judged myself to be if and when sharing something I defined as ‘non important’ within the context of ‘world change’ type of thing. So here redefining what I define as me walking my process of change and entirely taking it back to self, to consider me, my expression, the detail and subtle changes that I want to share about instead of believing I have to only focus on sharing particular kinds of information or ‘stuff’ that suits this idea of me within a particular idea/belief of myself as a form of ‘authority’ of sorts ‘towards others,’ instead of first standing fully as my own authority, creative authority.

I got to also talk to myself about the following realization: changing the world will not only come from politics or world-system change, real change will come from people like me that decide to get real about who we are, our expression, that decide to be vulnerable, to actually dare to express and live life in the way that we’d like many more to live it, to break-free from our self-imposed limitations as well and live fear-free, because that’s then what I genuinely would like to see existing in this world and that’s where I am aware I can contribute to in fact be an example – as a part of the whole – that can implement that in my life, with what I am, what I have, in my environment and let go of our own ‘limiting personalities’ for once and for all.

So what words do I see included in the term ‘reinventing myself’ at the moment? Spontaneity, freedom, daring to start over, ‘painting over’, taking risks, taking the unknown paths, comfort in exposing/sharing my expression, simplicity, being vulnerable, innocence, enjoyment in expression… and many more to come 🙂

I recommend checking out more about this ‘feel’ of words that we may be lacking when it comes to looking at ‘redefining’ words as explained in this awesome audio: The Consciousness of the Orange Clownfish

 

Thanks for reading

 

Reinventing Myself

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


566. Back on (the) track

Or how to decide to live a word in the small moments of our day and actually live it

Today I made a decision to ‘get back on track’ and ‘on the track’ literally speaking after ‘taking some time off’ of my usual routine during the past weeks and I found it’s sometimes a bit difficult getting ‘back on track’ after not following ‘the usual routine’. There is such a thing as ‘inertia’ where we can be naturally waking up and doing our usual stuff without a hassle, which comes as a process of walking discipline, consistency and perseverance in my case – but then after breaking the regular schedule for some time, it does require me to ‘stir the wheel’ again in the desired direction and give myself ‘the order’ to do certain things again.

Well, it all started yesterday actually where I decided to take on a little project to do some artwork for something that I never thought I would see myself doing, artwork for a kid’s story and it was fun! I realized how ‘driven’ I can be when I have ‘something to do’ as a little project, which means that I can then approach other things to do in ‘projects’ so that I can approach them in a similar manner and so use my time effectively and efficiently.

I also noticed how much I can be ‘on a roll’ and kind of procrastinate doing basic stuff like going to pee for example, so this time I had to deliberately ‘make a pause’ and take some time off for that, which is where I have to bring in common sense and physicality to not get ‘too lost’ into the ‘driven’ inertia and forget about myself, which is an interesting pattern I’ve noticed more about myself.

I’ve also decided to give that time ‘off’ for myself which I’ve usually done on a daily basis through going for a walk, but also to give myself a ‘treat’ if possible or do something different – like taking the time to do this art project for a kids story – but also taking some time ‘off’ for an hour to ‘disconnect’ from what I am doing, this is usually in the form of going out and come back to what I was doing, and yes I noticed how I could have gone ‘on and on’ with this little project, but I also set a limit in terms of having to sleep, have dinner and so forth – even deciding to watch a movie while doing the drawings which was also an ‘out of character’ thing for me to do, but managed to do it.

I’ve mostly been somewhat ‘driven’ my whole life and as much as this can be seen as a very ‘cool’ attribute, when it becomes a form of immovable duty and coming with a strong sense of ‘I am what I do’ it becomes something that’s more ‘for something/someone’ rather than for myself, which is something I’ll continue exploring as well. At the same time, I’ve also found that I can create a balance in how I use my time and learning to ‘take time off’ and genuinely ‘disconnect’ from certain things in our day to day routine and before I would be quite reluctant to do this and I frankly still can’t watch something and not do ‘something’ at the same time, but I’ll get there – unless I go to the movies where I have nothing else to do but sit and watch lol.

I share this because I consider many people might have the same personality/character trait, this ‘duty calls’ type of personality that at times overrides this ‘me-time’ consideration and I’m quite grateful for the past weeks that have allowed me to place things into perspective in many aspects of my current life which I’ll be sharing here as I go opening them up.

But! Back to today. So I woke up at the usual early time and I noticed that this ‘inertia’ of maybe just going back to sleep was starting to emerge in me, so I reminded myself of my own suggestion of the ‘breath-wake-up’ which is inhaling to get up from bed and exhaling while getting out of it, all in one breath and bam, one is awake. But I noticed that I required to give myself a direction this time, not a ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ though, but rather more like what I could live in that insta-moment of waking up, and what came up in me as this ‘word to live’ was ‘Will’ and I said to myself ‘I will myself to wake up’ and actually do it, the ‘I Matter’ recording that was released recently can give an awesome perspective on this, which simplifies and clarifies a lot of what we can do to make each ‘little moment’ count in our lives and to me this was ‘the moment’ that also set the tonality for the rest of the day.

Such a simple moment of self-direction made a difference to this creeping ‘comfy’ idea of ‘possibly maybe just starting to jog again tomorrow’ and diving into the comfort zone of ‘doing it tomorrow instead’, but! through simply saying these words and actually doing what I just said I would do which is to ‘will myself’ and do what I had planned to do since yesterday, I was able to start the day as usual and get back on track with my routine which I also enjoy.

Going for a jog after some 2 weeks of not actively doing so is definitely at times a bit awkward, but with time and consistency over these past 2 years, my body gets adjusted more rapidly to it and I’ve noticed how I definitely enjoy having this ‘me-time’ point in the mornings of doing something not only for my ‘mental enjoyment’ but physical support and enjoyment. I came back and did some freestyle moves with some music which felt really nice in the whole body, like every cell taking a nice breath and yep, that was cool.

I got to finish the project that I was working on and was satisfied with the outcome of it, which again is not something I would have ‘personally chosen to do’ before as in ‘the usual marlen’ persona that would not see herself as ‘suitable for kids’ but! I challenged that with the help of my friends that gave me the opportunity and encouragement to do it, which I am quite happy about now because it’s another way for me to continue practicing my art skills and expand into new territories J

I’ll be sharing more as I go in redefining some words and learning to live them as myself, my relationship to the notion of ‘being an example’ and how I had twisted that phrase a bit in my life and other interesting words that I would not have been able to see for myself without taking this ‘time off,’ which I would also recommend doing especially for those that ‘like me’ have a particular strong sense of ‘duty’ or ‘workaholism’ that in essence it’s not so much of a ‘noble feat’ but also a way for us to hide behind a comfort zone of ‘responsibilities’ and ‘work’ and the rest of it, so! I challenge thou if you can relate to that particular pattern, because I know how it may seem like ‘I am missing out on my duty omg!’ but, from time to time it is refreshing and assists oneself in having a second look at one’s life and come ‘back’ revitalized and with a clearer head to move forward.

An awesome Eqafe recording I suggest checking out to get some clarity on this subject of ‘taking some time off’ is the following one Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155, which I recommend for those that are ‘similar’ to what I’ve described in this blog.

Thanks for reading

 

Artwork018

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


564. Too Quick To Judge and Reflective Aftermath

Or how to walk through an emotional reaction, deconstruct it and see what’s there for me to learn about it

I had quite an experience today after watching the documentary called ‘Machines’ by Rahul Jain during the annual Documentary Festival Ambulante here in Mexico, of which I’ve been quite an avid assistant of for some years now. The reason why I watched it is because the topic interested me and the director was there to have a chat Q&A session afterward, which is where the whole point of ‘being too quick to judge’ emerged in me and that I’ve been looking at for a few hours now.

The documentary is about Indians working in textile industry for over 12 hours a day with minimal pay, the typical slave-job scenario yet shot quite ‘beautifully’ in the sense that you truly get to experience the dread of being in the factory and the noises of the machines, the repetitiveness, the heat, the dread that workers there – including young men as well – go through on a daily basis out of needing the money of course. I also found it quite eye opening in terms of textile creations and how fabric industry and ultimately fashion’s primer matter is created through the usual exploitative means just like everything else in our reality.

So, I actually liked the documentary in the sense that it opened myself to a reality that I had not have an opportunity to ‘vicariously witness’ before. I didn’t have a good time throughout it because there was a guy sipping some cheap alcohol throughout the whole documentary, and I started feeling very weird and reacting to that; ultimately it really got me feeling very off and almost sick, just like I would feel like when drinking alcohol in my younger years. I cannot know exactly how this happened, maybe the smell got me ‘activating’ some memories or maybe I was pissed off about the whole situation of someone ‘sipping on alcohol’ and ‘having a good time’ while watching a documentary that to me was actually quite sad and in essence quite a terrible working situation, though not as gruesome as the one that I watched last year called ‘Behemoth’ which truly accentuates the drama of slave-labor in China’s coal mines, the hell that the workers go through, living in abject poverty while at the same time being surrounded by the infamous Ghost Cities. Anyway, that was another story that I didn’t even get to tell about at that time because I could not find anything to say about that one documentary, no direction to it other than what it currently is as the consequence it is.

Back to this day after the documentary screening, the director and photography director – who happens to be Mexican – were there to answer questions. There were lots of people considering this documentary just won some awards in Sundance, so there I was being curious to see what the hype was all about. I made the first question to him about what was his reaction when the workers would talk to the camera and ask him to do something to change their situation, they were demanding an 8 hour work day instead of 12 plus and better wages, they asked humanity to wake up – and the response from the director is that he didn’t have any, he had no answer to them, and yes I understand he could not change anything of their situation, but he couldn’t either in that moment explain what that moment was for him, but simply said that ‘nothing’ came up, which I took as a ‘whaaat?? How can you??’ type of reaction, and the photography director probably understood my question a bit better and said that at the end of the documentary he simply had many more questions about our reality, and that’s it.

The rest of the questions were a bit more into the photography and the ‘beauty’ of it which is where the word ‘disconnect’ started coming up in me. I could not fathom that people were more focused on the beauty of how these textiles ‘flowed’ and how it was so nicely shot, while we had just witnessed the gruesome working experiences of probably millions if not billions of people not only in India but around the world and… well here is where I have to create the ‘alert’ explanation of what ‘MY WAY’ or MY expectation was about having an aftermath chat with the director geared to create an awareness about these people’s lives and the rest of it, or expecting some ‘societal change’ after it but the reality is that it’s also quite new, it hasn’t even been shown in India yet, so there I go with my ‘being too quick to judge’ position where some of these documentaries do end up having an effect in reality, but they do require a lot of hype and screenings so that people can start becoming aware of these mirrors that documentaries are for sure.

Another lady expanded on my question so as to see how shooting this documentary had changed the director’s life but he said that he didn’t change much because it’s not like stopping purchasing clothes will change a thing, or these people would go out of work, but I still didn’t get my expected ‘personal insight’ there and that’s when I simply lost interest = when I wasn’t getting the director’s insight that I expected based on previous experiences in similar screenings and their directors/creators.

To me this was a complete turn off and final point where people were asking how they had experienced the environment in the factory and the photography director responded with saying that the molecules around there felt hot and there was a heat from the machines and that he created his own environment, which I took as another ‘disconnected’ answer based on MY expectations of wanting to hear how draining or emotional it had been for him to witness the lives of these people, and in a way I went into the pattern of again seeing artists as detached voyeurs that use people’s suffering as their subject for fame, fortune, recognition and prizes through their films and the rest of it. So, at that point I felt physically ill due to my experience towards the guy sitting next to me, which is something I had never before experienced in this festival and it’s to me also quite a saddening experience that someone has to be drinking alcohol while watching other people’s misery, but that’s also a judgment and my own expectation of how I would want everyone else to also be eating their ‘heart’ as I perceive myself to have been doing, but, am I also not only just a comfortable voyeur of these situations through a movie? And so whatever I believe I experienced ‘towards others’ is in fact towards myself, in a way it was a deep sadness that I again become aware of these situations in a very ‘in my face’ manner and we haven’t yet been able to do something substantial about it, nor do I see a ‘soon end’ to it all either, yet I understand the level of consequences we’ve created as well.

I remember this is also the reason why I slowed down a lot from watching documentaries on my own, because it gets to a point where you can be so aware of many things going on in the world, but there’s the risk of falling into the helplessness, hopelessness and disempowerment oblivion when perceiving one cannot do anything at all to change these people’s lives right away, and that’s an actual fact and truth that we have to live with for the most part; yet that I still find myself getting caught into it and going into a covert blame point towards people, the directors, the whole notion of making of people’s suffering a subject of ‘appreciation’ and ‘award winning’ situations, but bear with me this is all currently having to do with my judgments, my expectations and ideas of how I wanted the whole discussion to go, how I wished that there was no human being drinking in this world and how I wish that all people in privileged positions such as myself could have some kind of open dialogue about our responsibility to create a better world for ourselves and the generations to come, which begins with stepping aside form indifference or apathy about the world’s situation.

I ended up leaving the Q&A only to dive into a whole walk of going into a very deep sadness and sorrow and I could exactly recall the various times that similar ‘episodes’ have happened in my life. It’s been always related to watching documentaries about the harsh reality and survival conditions in the world where I get ‘triggered’ by all that I get to see and become aware of, where I tend to sink into crying and being sad or angry at myself or others – or both – about the situations that people are going through in this world.

And in a way get angry at myself being just a privileged person that can sit around watching documentaries and am in fact so detached from many of these people’s lives yet they are also here, they are also a part of what’s here as myself, we are in fact equals and it ends up bothering me that yes, I cannot do much to change their particular situation and that I can only make sure I can be that one person that changes in my ways of living and approaching others and their situations, to do and be whatever best I can to continue living the principles where we can become supportive toward ourselves and one another, and to not lose track about myself and my life purpose based on how I perceive others’ words or interactions or sheer approach to this kind of discussions or documentaries.

Bottom line is I cannot expect people to see and understand or even approach these documentaries the same way that I do, nor can I imply that the way I approach them is the right way either. All of it is simply a reflection of myself and where I am in my life, where I see that I have yet to not generate contempt and disappointment towards other people upon seeing that they are not ‘responding’ the way I expected, because I was in a similar open discussion on Friday – yesterday actually – about religious hatred and that was a very cool one on the documentary ‘Forever Pure’ from director Maya Zinshtein, which was actually quite opening to me considering I have walked through a particular contempt about a faction that is presented in her documentary and instead, learn to see humanity or any other human as a reflection of myself /ourselves which she also did in her documentary about the religious hatred that exists between Jews and Muslims, and that’s a whole other story in itself but it was refreshing to see the kind of dialogue that opened up in that documentary and I went out of there being grateful that I had yet another perspective on documentaries being a mirror to see ourselves so that we can form our own conclusions about the points that we have to work with, such as in my case, to not create contempt towards those that bully others, otherwise I’d become the bully and hatred-recycler myself, which became quite clear within me while watching that documentary which is absolutely recommendable because it’s really not about ‘soccer,’ but about who we’ve become as humanity and hatred in general.

So, after I walked through my discharge of emotions, I realized that this time I wasn’t going to ‘drop the towel’ and go into the usual bashing of films or documentaries or art in general as a silly way to pretend to make any change in the world, because it’s not about that, but about who one is within what we do. And this time I made the decision to use these moments of weakness and not dive into the past-experience of saying ‘there’s no point in this’ and instead said ‘Ok, if no one else is seeing what I see can be done with arts, then I have to be that person that presents what I see is possible with the use of arts in any of their forms.’

In a way I used this weakness and moment of going into an emotional reaction about what I experienced or ‘saw’ in that moment to reassure my position and decision to do my part in arts and use it within the same context that I use these blogs, to process myself, to still walk through the various reflections and ‘meta’ analysis that I end up having while watching a documentary, while interacting with the audience that watches such documentaries and using that whole experience as another way to see where I can fine tune myself, where I am becoming emotional, where I am wanting others to have the exact same ‘realizations’ as I do when watching something, where I am expecting all film makers to do things because they want to ‘change or better the world’ we live in. . . because this is entirely MY desire, my perception, my starting point and I have to learn to embrace people’s different points of view and starting points, because not everyone will approach ‘arts’ as a platform to ‘change the world’ no matter how focused this festival in itself might be geared towards that, each creator has their own starting point.

Another bottom line is: I have to accept that not everyone sees the world or reality the same way I do, and that not everyone will have the same objective as I see within arts, film or any creative endeavor, I cannot ‘force’ others to do it either – nor do I have to go into the hopelessness of ‘there’s not hope for humanity’ if or when seeing that some people might not necessarily ‘care’ in that same way. I actually just saw an interview done with the director I just talked about and I could see how I might have been in fact too quick to judge considering that he seems to be working on similar subjects for his next films, which means that maybe he’s not that ‘great’ with words and explaining his perspectives, but the fact that he is investing his time, money and work on creating documentaries/films about environmental issues is already denoting an interest that even if it doesn’t have a clear purpose, they serve as works to learn to reflect about ourselves, so he explains that in this video:  Sundance 2017 Winner MACHINES Dir Rahul Jain

So, I am now seeing the clarity that I lacked a few hours ago when only getting caught up in the emotional aspect but, I also saw that I didn’t allow myself to go really ‘down’ as I used to in the past and remain in some sort of emotional self-manipulation, but actively made the decision to let it all out, to do some ‘ranting and raving’ for myself which served as an initial platform for me to then be able to start looking at a clear direction for myself within it all and this blog is also a part of that for sure where I don’t claim that there’s absolute clarity in it all, but it does contain some major directives for me to focus on and consider: not expecting others to see things the way I see them, my way is not the ‘right’ way, each one has a different process, not judging a person based on a 10 minute interaction or hearing their words and jumping into conclusions about ‘who they are’, being open to people’s approach and perspectives even if they are not geared to ‘change the world’ type of starting point, be willing to learn from others’ approaches and continuing to find ways to best approach situations like having a person drink next to me where if I am bothered then I have to change the spot and if there’s no other option like it happened today, then I can instead let go of the judgment and focus on whatever I am watching there.

There’s probably some more points for me to open up but for now at least I got some more clarity. I am forgiving myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and in essence jump into conclusions about other people based on my expectations and my ideas of ‘how things should be’ where I have to instead learn to embrace people, their perspectives, their starting points and learn from them instead of discriminating them because of them not ‘seeing life the same way I do.’

So this is a constructive shame about my  reactions and actions afterward, I didn’t make of it a big deal ‘against others’ though, but I did make it a big deal in the moment within myself, so best thing to do is to realize: ok I got triggered, what is this about, let the emotions out and be determined to walk through it and keep an eye on similar situations from now on, so that I can ground myself back into common sense rather than getting lost and trapped into my own ‘ideas’ of how things should work and be in reality.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


560. From Missing to Current Creation

Continuing from:

Practically looking at the word miss and upon reflecting on various things I see I have been ‘missing,’ a lot of them have to do with how I developed certain expressions within myself in relation to other people, or how I got to do things that definitely opened me up to many more aspects or facets of living, where once that these relationships ended up or ‘dried out’ in a way I remained in a state of disempowerment in relation to me not being able to continue developing what I got to do with others in terms of for example, creativity and genuine enjoyment I had when ‘collaborating’ creatively with others and also when it comes to a friendship with a female that I simply ‘let go of’ completely upon no longer living in the same place, and a phrase that has come up recently in me is how we have to nurture relationships, otherwise they ‘dry out’ which is what happened several times where I could have redefined these relationships and continued to enjoy myself within them, but I see how it was me that decided to ‘cut ties’ or believe they no longer ‘have time for me’ and in a way lose contact which I would genuinely appreciate even if it was ‘long distance’ many times.

 

How I got to realize this wasn’t an easy ‘looking at the word’ in one go. What I did was first seeing directly at all the points that did emerge within me in one way or another  – subtly or strongly – that I have been missing in my reality. These were both people or parts of myself that I got to experience and develop while being in certain relationships.

 

I saw how as much as I was not at a ‘great place’ when it comes to my emotions and decisions in life, the person that I was 10 years ago was also living more in a self-discovery, adventurous manner that I completely cut off/let go of when starting this process believing that I had to completely become ‘devoid’ of any sort of distraction at the time – which I associated with my personal interests and enjoyment at the time, which surely was a possible necessary phase as well considering how I was about to go down a downward spiral of mysticism right before I got to find Desteni and start this process, which was – in retrospect – a necessary pause in my life as well to really get to see who I am within it all and the subsequent 9 years up to now that it has taken myself to get to a stable position within me in who I am and developing sufficient self-support for what I see is yet to be created by me in my life.

 

Therefore  I also had to practically see what of ‘the me that I miss from over 10 years ago’ is livable and supportive to my current context, and of all things what I saw more prominently were the relationships to arts and music as forms of genuine enjoyment that I was able to share with others as well. I realized that I miss seeing reality with the eyes that I would see it before which was more of a genuine curiosity and appreciation that I then completely blacked out by defining all pictures as mind-interpretations therefore meaningless, therefore pointless – but I’ve come to realize it’s not even about ‘the pictures’ as much as it is about who we are in the process of taking pictures and what we can reflect on them, so going from pure aesthetics to a more internal process that I might have not seen entirely ‘within me’ before when I first started taking pictures over 10 years ago in a rather compulsive manner lol.

 

So that explorative, creative, adventurous me is the one that I have been ‘missing’ which in fact has become a sort of rigidity, at times ‘bitterness’ for cutting out this expression in me and believing that I had to be ‘ok without it’ – but it all has to do with how I judged such experiences as something ‘pointless’ or ‘superficial’ to do, and within this ignoring or deliberately suppressing the sense of enjoyment that I had with it which I am now looking forward to re-create and find the ways to do so in my current living situation, which might or might not be related to taking pictures per se, but I won’t know unless I actually test it out myself.

 

The same goes with things I used to do with certain friends where surely, a person’s expression is unique and the point here is not to try and find another ‘person’ that is exactly the same as the friendships or relationships I am ‘missing’ – nor does it mean that I have to re-establish a relationship with the same person because it is so that people change, have different lives, interests change etc. The point I’m looking at here is related to developing and nurturing relationships, which is something I can definitely see I have not done – have sucked at it actually – yet I also am aware that when I establish a relationship with another – being it of friendship or partnership – I am quite committed and loyal to it.

 

So it’s a matter of deciding to create more ‘meaningful’ as in deep and intimate relationships, nurture and develop them. And this is something I can certainly learn to see with a different pair of eyes than in the past as well, where relationships were more like a ‘personal hideout’ than a personal development of intimacy within myself and others, of supportive enjoyment and co-creation which are words that I have missed about myself as well in relation to others.

 

Also while looking at this word ‘missing’ I realized that it also doesn’t necessarily mean something that ‘was part of my life and is gone now’ but also considering things that I simply haven’t yet done and lived in my life and at the moment I have a notion of what it can be and it involves the word ‘depth’ in it as in really getting to know me, see me and continue to develop this self-appreciation that I sought to ‘receive’ from others so many times before in my life. And this is what I see I have been missing all along and only have been recently realizing this which is great so that I don’t end up ‘waiting for me to happen’ in a way, but I can lead myself to make things happen, to create the outcomes that I see are potentials yet I have not actively worked on developing them.

 

Therefore, I’m currently aligning and setting up what I call platforms, changes, requirements, tools and skills that I can use to move to the self-creation step in a more ‘system’ related context, which is actually what I have also been missing in my life as in not having a clear experience of yet and that I am frankly eager to create and establish for myself.

 

So, here it’s quite clear to see how from a point of ‘missing’ and emotionally reacting to it at first in a sense of denial that led to a ‘having to admit to myself’ of actually missing, to then the process/time I walked to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ as they say in terms of establishing what I was missing more from an emotional attachment, a sort of ‘nostalgia’ or selective memory starting point when it comes to seeing what I ‘miss the most’ – as all that which I have perceived as having been only a’ good time’ in my life, which I have proven to myself is a very limited way to look at ‘memories’ and ‘the past’ in general – so that I could also not focus on ‘the people’ I missed, but more like the parts of myself that I have missed, that I have truncated in my life and those that I have not yet developed or created yet and that I got to taste a bit of in certain past times or seeing what aspects of myself I can now create in my life with a new starting point as well – this also includes aspects of other people in my past that I can integrate in my own life as well.

 

This  enables me to see how to redefine the word ‘missing’ from a perception of lack or desire to ‘go back to having that which I no longer have’ to focusing on what is here as myself that I can create, take on or approach again but from the current starting point in my life and process of self-creation. And this is where the empowerment comes back to self, where there is no longer a sense of lack, helplessness, irresoluteness and keeping myself in a ‘waiting mode’ or being in plain denial about ‘missing anything at all,’ but, I can see how if I decide to do things = I make them happen, so I can approach this aspect of ‘missing’ the same way: stopping the longing, the belief of something being ‘forever gone’ within me and challenge such beliefs by bringing it back here and see who am I with it and how I can expand within it from my current position and starting point in life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Artwork001 color

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


548. Being Dedicated

Or how to redefine the starting point for living the word dedication having self as the starting point

§ Continuing from 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

I looked at this word and found how I have lived dedication in several ways in my life, but a common factor is that all of those things wherein I’ve been most dedicated have been related to doing tasks or activities where there starting point was more about doing it ‘for others’ or to ‘benefit others’ only, and this is a common tendency I’ve seen in people like myself where we tend to shift our focus and attention towards ‘changing the world out there’ or ‘assisting others’ but in all of that, ending up missing out on ourselves, on being the starting point and principle of all living words and being dedicated for ourselves, as ourselves, as the very life that is in us and that exists in equality in everyone else.

 

An example is how I outlined this word from that blog I wrote on ‘attraction’ and finding words that I could see this person living for himself was – from my perception – living personal dedication wherein he became a sort of ‘expert’ in his creative field even when having a regular 8 hour a day job ‘in the system’ for decades, doing something that didn’t at all relate to his creative side so to speak. He still lived the same dedication to his art, his field of expertise and create himself from that, which has made him a sort of ‘wise man’ from my perspective based on his consistency and diligence to keep himself functional in the system, yet when it comes to his personal creativity, standing very much on his own ‘way’ which is quite a rebellious one to say the least in the context of what he does as art, but here I’m not even focusing on ‘him’ or ‘his art’ but more like the balance this person could create in terms of dedication.  

 

I’ve also been watching some series about designers and I’ve seen how creative people in general have always been a source of inspiration for me. I can be a person that whenever I am hitting a ‘blank’ in some way, I can watch an interview or documentary about a creative person in arts/music and be able to draw these words and aspects that they were able to live through in their lives to get to be who they ‘got to be’ as in being masters in their craft and art, which usually leaves a good set of learning-experiences from these people where surely they weren’t ‘perfect beings,’ but in the spirit of ‘investigating all things and keep what’s good’ – one can always find something very cool to learn from these visionaries, creators, designers, artists which are sort of the people I gravitate towards, but hey it’s not really limited to that, I’ve also found I can learn from any human being when getting to know their story and what they have managed to learn or overcome to live their life.

 

Seeing other people be dedicated about doing something ‘for themselves’ mirrored back to myself as a potential that I had given up for some years – and still in the process of creating my footing around it – wherein I ‘felt’ I truncated a career for me for some years because of focusing/dedicating myself only on this process in itself and perceiving I could not expand further from that or actually continue ‘creating’ something for myself, something that is entirely for me and existing as my expression – and not only related to say the ‘theory’ and support structure behind this process – but doing something that can stand as the reflection, the outcome, the result of this very personal process expressed into a point of creation that can possibly stand through the test of time as something that expresses/reveals me and can stand as a point of living-testimony of this process at the same time, so both points in one so to speak: self-creation and the living of this process in one.

 

This point of creation is not only about the creation of a project, a set of works I’d like to do, but it includes my own life where I’ve seen that I have to now shift my dedication to self-dedication as well and balance out that self-commitment not for ‘the process’ in itself and the dedication I’ve created to set this foundation for myself within it, but it does feel  – and I’ve been ‘feeling’ this for quite some time now – that it’s time to settle all of this towards the next step, which to me is also very much linked to dedication and the didactics within it – which from my perspective can only be a true-sharing and process of ‘teaching’ if one has also done the process and walked it for oneself.

 

Along with dedication I also see the words focus and perseverance, because that ‘trinity’ of words is exactly what I require to not give up on very personal projects I’d like to develop for me and my life and at the same time, be able to create an equilibrium in what I’ve mostly been doing for now as the core and movement of this process in itself for the benefit of many more.  

 

Therefore I can source from my own example in this word wherein I can see and recognize I have been quite diligent, dedicated and consistent with responsibilities that I’ve taken on ‘towards others’ or what I’ve defined as a ‘greater purpose’ – for a lack of a better way to explain it – meaning, projects that do not only involve ‘me’ as my own starting point and end of creation, but have mostly been dedicated when it is meant or geared towards a common benefit.

 

Why has this been so? I have been that kind of people that would also perceive that having a greater purpose would imply giving up personal projects, where I had in a defined or invested myself towards my own self-interest. Arts is one of those, but lately I’ve been realizing the sabotage I created within myself around it where I’ve seen how it really isn’t even about ‘arts’, but how I had created a relationship to arts that instead of redefining it from a starting point of self-interest towards one of self-support and having a career that I can live from, I neglected it by considering I could not resolve my relationship ‘towards art’ and that I should just give it up.

 

Though I also recognize that when I was formally having my time in art school, I was equally dedicated to both points, Desteni as in taking the time, discipline, effort and application invested on all of the vast material, references, interactions, courses and participation that I truly see it as a ‘second simultaneous career’ of sorts while also being dedicated to university and not just doing it ‘half-assed’ but fully knowing that this is what I wanted to create and be for myself, that I was going to give my best as my creation.

 

From applying discipline in arts creation, I’ve learned a lot from the discipline, detail, focus and consistency that it takes to create something in ‘old fashioned’ art ways, which seemed like quite a challenge at the beginning of my career where I was more into doing ‘fast art’ type of things, and I ended up challenging myself by taking one of the most rigorous and precise methods of image creation, such as print making learned through apprenticeship in methods that are a couple of centuries old. In essence I pushed some boundaries but I do consider I fell short in this, and I can still pull it through to something that I can genuinely stand as the creator of it myself.

 

This time I want to direct the word dedication to do what I can create for and as myself, for the first time without expecting or needing a ‘reference’ for me to keep going or to stop sabotaging me from continuing with a project based on the perception that this is ‘self-interest’ or ‘no one else is benefitting from this that I do.’

 

Here I have to instead remind myself that being a creator is about who we are within anything and everything that we do – no matter if it is building up a business from scratch, opening up a new field of knowledge and information that is supportive for humanity, being a visual artist, a writer, a set of parents that truly see themselves and their children as their ultimate works of art and live according to that, a person that can step up from very difficult living conditions and create a way through in life, people that overcome the worst kind of outcomes or consequences in their lives and find the strength to reinvent themselves and succeed in what they do…

 

Well, in essence I could expand the list to many examples, and that is also a good indication of how through this process one learns to see the potential, the process of ‘overcoming’ difficulties, but also the kind of self-mastery that emerges with living words like dedication, consistency, perseverance and focus to be someone that can understand the level of capacity and responsibility we have as creators, because that’s ultimately what our lives are really about from my perspective and current understanding: seeing directly through our thoughts, words and deeds who we are as creator, created and creation and live in/as our own creation, which yes can go both ways of completely acknowledging and using our creative abilities for the best of our potential or completely ignoring it all and diminishing or squandering our opportunity to genuinely live.

 

I definitely want to embody the word dedication not only towards something I can do ‘for others’ but also in my own life because that’s where I am aware I have been ‘slacking’ and lacking-me in essence to be and do something for myself, as myself, besides formal ‘process work’ and that’s also why one can get to feel ‘frustrated’ or in a ‘halt’ of sorts if one stops seeing oneself as a creator not only in a direction of ‘providing support’ but to first and foremost support oneself, create oneself and get to tap into the enjoyment and satisfaction of living that in a particular activity, field, line of work or projects where we can also expand, learn from and grow into, without in my case having to fall into the absolutism of only doing ‘one thing,’ because that’s limited for sure, we can be and do so much more if I step out of my two-dimensional view on my life.

 

Dedication also sounds a bit to me like the-deed-actions, the actual doings that we can place our time, effort, focus and perseverance on in order to see who we really are as creators, to learn to be consistent in doing something that I might see ‘no point’ in doing after some time and rather get to complete it, get to walk through it to its end to then have the real say as the creator of it and see who I was within the whole creative process, and ultimately assess how supportive or beneficial it was or wasn’t.

The key point for me here is to precisely not give up ‘half way’ in it, but be able to see something through until I get to complete it and then be able to have the ‘creator’s say’ on whether this is something that I can use and pursue any further or not, which is something that can only be assessed once something is finished, completed or achieved.

 

Of course this is in terms of self-honesty, meaning I have tended to hear a lot of my own thoughts of why I should quit doing something, so I have to be quite aware to not ‘quit’ on something based on reactions or having ‘second thoughts’ but only stop if there’s something that is genuinely consequential or compromising in reality– that’s a practical assessment – but in terms of experiencing a resistance, that’s where I have to live the word dedication and actually get to do and see the completion of something I set myself to do that I might initially think ‘it’s only for my own benefit’ or even pleasure. Ultimately this will be reflected on who I become as a creator in doing so, and that’s how we can eventually see where our efforts, consistency and perseverance is directed to and get to know our ‘wood’ as creators.

 

And this is also something I’ve only recently come to understand when it comes to ‘it’s about who you are within what you do’ – where instead of me judging the actual activity/work/creative process and outcome of it, I can see how I can test my creative abilities in whatever I get to do and work on. This is also in consideration of living in a world where we won’t only do ‘what we like,’ but we certainly get to test our preference-limitations through having all kinds of ways and jobs to make a living regardless of a ‘preference’ – yet even in those situations where we’ve felt most ‘compromised,’ we get to learn more about ourselves, the kind of person that we can develop ourselves to be within it all, the words that we can learn to live in those situations and contexts – all of that is certainly a place where we can live dedication for and as ourselves, as a quality to develop within ourselves, regardless of the outcome or ‘final product’ of something.

 

Therefore I see this word dedication is linked to action, to creation, to the consistency, the perseverance and focus I can put on doing something and ‘seeing it through’ which is what in my life has given me quite a sense of satisfaction, not because of ‘accomplishing’ something necessarily, but because of proving myself to be able to be and live to be much more than what I initially thought I could do or be in my life.

 

So, dedication, as ‘hard work’ as it may sound, it also comes with the inevitable fruits as a result of our input and output on a day to day living, and this is then where it stops being only something one has to be constantly ‘working on’ or ‘giving our time to’ but, we can change the equation to seeing how we are truly growing, learning about ourselves in order to be empowered and start creating, start directing, start and so continue paving the way through in what we want to stand as and live as in our lives.

 

Being dedicated to oneself as life can be the key to ‘see this life through’ with self-honor and self-respect and there’s only one way that one can predict this kind of outcome or future, which is by living self-honor and self-respect on a daily basis, living that dedication to be better in our lives and consequently affect others’ lives through that. The simple shift in this equation for myself is entirely having myself as the starting point, seeing every day as an opportunity to challenge myself, no matter ‘what’ I do but always remember it’s about ‘who I am’ in what I do that defines my truth and so what we make of ourselves in our lives, our ‘destiny’ or outcome of our self-creative process.

 

So, I’ll keep an eye on this word from here on and walk the next phase of using this quality that I’ve seen in me in certain ways or aspects and now use it to see who am I as this word if I see it’s not within something I see is benefitting ‘others’ directly, but is existing only as myself, for myself, which is quite a field to explore in my personal life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


542. Living Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

I have identified the word ‘expressive’ with a set of personality traits where a person speaks in an assertive, directive manner and using mannerisms that look somewhat ‘effusive’ or ‘extroverted’ to me, like moving hands, doing various facial expressions, even being humorous as well. Now, all of these are aspects or traits when looking at them as something I merely react to in a positive manner, which leads me to create an assumption or judgment that the person is ‘expressive’ or ‘outgoing.’ However, this is only what I can perceive in a moment of a person’s expression – I realize that it does not represent what it actually means to be expressive. This initial approach I just described above would be a form of confinement to the potential that we all exist as in the word expressive. Now, what does that mean?

When investigating my feeling-based reaction that I’ve experienced towards people that present this kind of qualities – I have seen how I’ve actually at times gone into a bit of a ‘sinking’ next to them, when interacting with them or observing them, because of considering that no one can ‘top their expression,’ which unfolds in reacting within inferiority, which is an indication that I’ve separated myself from my own potential expression and therefore, judge someone else’s as ‘desirable.’

This is also why I’ve been debunking my own set of beliefs around these words I had felt ‘intimidated’ by or creating a form of ‘attraction’ towards and instead, directing myself to clear out their meaning for me and take those words back to self, which means realizing that we all have the ability to live these words in a self-supportive manner, and not only as some kind of ‘show’ for others or personality trait, but as a genuine expression of who we really are, which is also expression as a process in itself.

Part of what I’ve learned in this process within Desteni is to understand expression in self-honesty, wherein one actually goes ‘reverse engineering’ one’s preferences as likes and dislikes, our emotional and feeling reactions to virtually everything in our lives, and we can then spot what kind of energetic experience motivates us, essentially looking at what exists behind every thought, word and deed in our lives.

It has been a very grounding and supportive process for me to do this, to realize how much of what I deemed ‘my expression’ was motivated –in my case – as a ‘show for others,’ or a form of ‘mask’ that I could put on to be liked or accepted by others, seeking appreciation, approval, seeking relationships out of need or dissatisfaction with myself, wanting to appear as ‘more’ than what I was truly experiencing within myself in certain moments… and the list could go on.

So, upon going understanding and seeing clearly ‘what motivates me’ in my life and noticing all of these fears or desires as starting points, what was left was a decision within me to self-forgive all those fears, judgments, desires and instead, apply myself to now learn what it means to be the starting point of my expression, what it means to direct myself to do something for and as myself – in other words having no ‘fear’ or ‘judgment’ or ‘desire’ as a motivation to do something anymore – but instead genuinely in a moment decide to do something and live it, do it, ‘go for it’ in other words and create it, express it – of course in consideration of what’s best for all, in common sense and self-honesty, essentially making decisions that are supportive – not just ‘random’ stuff that could be consequential, lol.

This might sound too simplistic in words, but it can actually be a challenging process for most of us that have conditioned our very decision to move and do something in our lives for something or someone else but ourselves.

An example on changing this starting point is how I initially decided to start painting and get into arts to avoid being bored, to cope with being alone one summer at home and also desiring to someday be very famous and well known and travel the world and the rest of it. Of course this doesn’t mean that I now have to stop doing any art because I had a flawed starting point –which by the way, I actually did stop for a while because of thinking it wasn’t valid anymore in my life, lol – but in self-honesty one learns to then realize we can change that starting point or ‘reason’ for why we do things or ‘who we are’ within doing art in this case and so, learn to be my own starting point, learn to express myself as art, which means not doing it to ‘get’ an experience or ‘avoid myself’ or ‘expect’ me escalating my position in my society, but simply as an expression, a movement, a decision, a realization that I work on for myself.

Changing this starting point in whatever we do, make, say and think in order to make it an expression of ourselves is actually easier said than done of course, because we’ve mostly learned to do things ‘in separation of ourselves’ – therefore, such a point as being expressive or expressing ourselves may have a huge baggage behind it as a set of reasons to ‘do’ or not to do something – like for example having the starting point of wanting to compete against others to ‘win’ something, to ‘get a relationship’ out of a fear of experiencing loneliness as a ‘negative outcome’ and the list may go on.

These are just examples but the point here is to explain how we are the only ones that can truly be aware of when we are genuine and self-honest in our expression and when we are in fact not so. And this is what has been very supportive for me to understand considering that I had been the kind of person that would use any form of motivation ‘outside of myself’ to express and be in a particular manner to create a ‘show’ of myself for others – but saw little to no point on doing it ‘for myself,’ which as strange as it may sound, it is actually a far more common situation than we would like to accept.

A cool test for myself lately has been the situation of being by myself and not having anyone necessarily being the ‘receptor’ of my expression or ‘expressiveness.’ This has been very cool for me to see what of the things I used to do when having someone else around me most of the times I stopped doing or changed in the ways I would do it because there’s ‘no one else around me’ that could be the witness or receptor of such expression – whether it was something I do or how I express myself in those ‘little moments’ of interaction with others.

I initially saw that I was wallowing into a ‘pointlessness’ considering there was no one to interact with in relation to this expression – but I instead made a decision to apply this realization about self-expression: to be the source and reason of my expression. And so upon the various years of living alone in different phases in my life, I’ve learned to do things for myself, from the way that I care for my own body, how I dress, how I have my surroundings, the food I make for myself, the things I do for fun, the kind of work that I do, hobbies –I’ve learned to have ‘me’ as starting point for these points, of course every now and then having to re-mind myself of that considering how easy it is also to start placing something or someone as the ‘reason’ to do anything in this world in separation of ourselves.

Now, I understand some might say ‘oh isn’t that selfish, doing it only for you?’ but it is not, this is of course within the context of doing things that are supportive in nature and that I then through habits on a daily basis have turned into my own expression, which can be easily translated into ‘who I am, how I am, what I say, how I behave, what I write, how I present myself with people, how I look, how I speak’ within the starting point of being directive in it all and within the consideration of the principles of what’s best for all, being supportive in other words and without making it a point of ego.  

Now going deeper into this word ‘expression’, we express ourselves in every moment. Every moment of breath is self expression, it’s my body expressing itself – every thought, emotion, reaction, judgment, opinion is also a form of expression, an expression of my mind that I’ve learned to now assess and question every time to see how supportive this expression is for one’s life and that of others, which is the self-honest application upon one’s expression and so placing the opportunity back to ourselves to decide: Who do we want to be and How do we really want to contribute to this life and existence in every moment that I am existing?

Being alive is already in itself an expression, it is ourselves existing as a plethora of potentials to develop according to our context, capacity and abilities – but the point is then to expand this word ‘expressive’ not only to a set of characteristics that can be perceived or received by others in only a fraction of interactions in one’s day, but it is about acknowledging that we are in fact expressing ourselves every moment of our day, whether we are aware of it or not.

So, one of the points here I would like to remind myself about is that, even if ‘no one is seeing me’ – apparently – and no one is ‘benefiting’ from my expression as my ‘doings’ in my day to day living, I actually am aware that by the sheer fact of being living in this world where we are in fact all the same – as in one and equal as life – whatever I accept and allow, what I change and correct within my life in common sense, what I work to develop in my life, the words I decide to live, the expressions I decide to fine tune within me, the destructive or self-sabotaging habits I decide to stop and correct within me, the words I choose to use to communicate, the foods that I eat, how I care of my body, the way that I l decide to confront a ‘problem’ or conflict in my life, the way I relate to people around me, the way that I present myself with others, the words that I write, the things I support in the internet, the way that I approach my work, the ideas that I have to create something and who I am in the process of creating something are all ways and forms of self-expression: they are all parts of me and they all stand as an impression or ‘signature’ of who I am in all of it – therefore we are constantly expressing, therefore also communicating with every single one of these in our day to day, it’s how we participate as co-creators of this reality.

That’s the kind of holistic self-awareness to practice in my day to day really, where I continue to align myself as the starting point of what I do within the understanding of being best for myself and so being best for all – and also in being able to enjoy all of this that I do as part of my self-creation process, which is actually something we tend to forget to do many times when we are too busy living ‘for others’ or to ‘get something’ out there, forgetting who we are as life yet to live to its utmost potential, which to me is precisely linked to self-creation, to sculpt ourselves as our creation, to work on our potentials, to fine tune our expression and genuinely learn to live, and so be an example for many more that might be ready to consider doing this for themselves in their own lives.

How to live then the word ‘expressive’ in relation to interactions with others? It’s actually quite simple because once that one walks through this process of self-writing, getting to know ourselves and deciding to change the judgments, limited perceptions, beliefs, opinions that we might create about ourselves or others, what is left is a core expression of oneself as an individual which is the definition of being ‘expressive’ as in not having obstacles to share, to be open, to enjoy, to share the kind of enthusiasm that emerges within oneself when we start ‘piecing ourselves back together’ from the scattered-self as all of the mind-traits that we had defined ourselves by.

Therefore, being expressive is also a result of walking this process using the tools of self-support provided by Desteni and realizing that we actually have much more potential than we thought we had when being only ‘in our minds’ and not yet getting to live who we really are as life, as our physical body – and this is only the start for me, there’s lots to do, fine tune, continue expanding and growing on but so far, best thing I’ve been able to decide to commit to in my life.   

In this, I also learn to not ‘compare’ myself to others’ ways of expressing, but rather learn to appreciate others in their individuality, being aware that I can always enjoy it ‘with them’ while also sharing myself and learning from each other to become better human beings. Interestingly enough that’s very much what we also do as the Desteni community and that to me is definitely an example of what being expressive is about, it all being related to ‘sharing the life’ in one another and the ways in which one lives it, how one works through it, what kind of solutions and paths one creates to continue tapping into one’s potential and that to me is what life and living is all about.  

Thanks for reading.  

 

Enjoy this Desteni Radio episode: Desteni Radio # 22 – Drinking Water and Why Change is Difficult

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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