Tag Archives: self definition

615. Breaking Through Self Definitions

 

There was a recent interview on Eqafe that assisted me a lot to see beyond my current limited view on things as I’ve been leading them in my life and it has to do with pushing through the limitations of who I define myself to be and in that, realizing how much of the confusion, fears and doubts about myself and my life decisions have their roots and source in having an idea of myself, of who and what I’m supposed to be at my eyes and consequently at what I project to be the eyes of others.

In this I also realized how much of an ‘ideal’ idea of myself I’ve held within my head where I’ve held myself and my life in this crystal clear box of perfection, where everything always seems right, timely and somehow optimal in my life. Yet, this time things went the other way around – or I broke-through that crystal box I had kept myself in. I found myself rooting all of that out and going for the unexpected, the ‘not so me’ type of decisions that I surely feared taking on yet experimented a lot of inner conflict about it all, because of how I saw all of that as being out of character, not ‘me,’ and certainly not matching the idea or definition I’ve held of myself all the way.

I broke the pattern in which I am used to carrying things forward, and in that I caused disappointment within myself and others and that became a hard thing to swallow and admit to myself, almost like not wanting to admit that I could be wrong, that I could make mistakes, that I could give a 180 degree turn to what I thought I should be and do and that certainly became a source of personal dissatisfaction, because I could not comprehend that I could be doing things ‘all wrong’ according to me, which I only defined as such because of holding this perfect, good, always-right idea about myself.

Now, why is this so much of a source of suffering, instability, indecision, shame or guilt? Because of judging myself about it all, because of wanting to hold on to an idea of how I thought things ‘should be’, how I was supposed to deal with it and do ‘the right thing.’ However, I’ve been realizing how this is also a form of control, wanting to keep myself aligned within a particular set of parameters of ‘how I am supposed to be’ and because I certainly started deviating of that, it all became a great source of reactions that led me to feel too lost in them, it was certainly hard to see a way through because of not being able to comprehend why I was doing things in a way that didn’t represent ‘the best of me’ – or so I thought – and in that creating an inner split about what is right, what is wrong, where I should be, what I am supposed to do and be.

In this I had to confront reality as is. This has not been easy, but I see it as a way to face one of my greatest fears at the same time which I didn’t even realize was there, which has to do with holding myself in this positive idea of being an immaculate, infallible version of myself that I tried to hold on to, only to realize I was going to step out of that track and do just about the opposite of that and eat it whole.

This is why it all became a source of worry, distress and suffering, because I had to face other aspects of me that I had not been aware of existed within me, yet they were totally there as myself. So that’s how holding myself within a particular light, holding on to a very finite idea of myself – how I am, why I am, who I am – became a reason for me to feel that I was screwing myself up all the way, because it didn’t match the idea that I’ve held and ‘known’ about myself, or the idea that I’ve wanted to present about myself towards everyone else.

This point is also another one that became a source of distress, the thought of what everyone else will say, think and consider about me based on my actions and decisions. Well, now I can say that the only way to walk through that is to realize that I am the only one living my life and owning my decisions. Of course we always do affect others with our actions and decisions, and yes it is my responsibility to also take care of that, but at the same time I cannot prevent harm, pain, suffering to others based on my decisions and that’s something that’s hard to swallow and work with, but it is also part of being alive in this world. We cannot always avoid pain and suffering, we can only learn how to understand the experience, write it out, self-forgive it and walk the healing process with time and a new direction to our lives.

Another fuckup is to try and see things black or white through the eyes of morality: “Did I do the right thing? Was I wrong?” That definitely doesn’t help a bit, at all. All that’s left is choices, decisions and walking through either or path and taking responsibility for whichever one I decide to walk through.

We discussed this subject in our group chat yesterday called Self Definition and Breaking Through Limitations, where many more share their own experiences and supportive realizations when facing similar situations in life, and it became a great source of reminders and support to see how we blow things out of proportion in these crossroads of our lives, and how we do have to take a plunge into the unknown and trust ourselves in being able to walk through the point, no matter what it is.

What would I have done differently? I wasn’t willing to admit certain things to myself because it would mean breaking a point of personal control, of certain idea of stability and definition of what is the right thing for me to do. I had to break through the pattern of who I thought I had to be and what I thought I had to be and do, therefore, it took time for me to actually admit it, let go and direct the necessary points to embrace my decisions. And this is something I cannot hold against myself either, it is part of those more difficult things in life that sometimes we cannot face in any ‘better’ way.

So here I am seeing I’m trying to justify myself and it’s not needed either, I can only say that not beating myself up for it is the most supportive thing I can do as well as stopping playing out possible scenarios of ‘what could have been’ in my head or what I could have done differently. I realize that I have such tendency and it literally leads nowhere, not being here and living my reality and decisions, nor living in such other alternate path, because it’s only happening in my head, so that’s something to transform into embracing my reality and doing the best I can to own my reality, while accepting that there’s no ‘set path’ for me, there’s no one ‘right’ way to things either. I can only trust myself on it all in my capacity to understand my choices, take responsibility for them and keep walking within self trust because that’s ultimately the only certainty I can have: I have myself, my capacities, my skills, my ability to stand through things and not judge myself from it, but learn from it and set a direction forward.

It’s easier said than done, but this is a decent foundation for it and another point is to not get caught in ideas of where I should start sharing about it or how much of a solution I am sharing this time around, because there are only guidelines that I have set myself to walk through it and the rest will be unfolding as it is lived out.

The relevant thing for me here is to share how important it is to identify the source of the conflict as a finite, limited, controlled idea of ‘who I am’ or ‘who I am supposed to be and do’ and be willing to break through that all the way, to step into the ‘unknown’ or out of the pattern and realize that even if it comes with some pains and distress, we can still make it through to the other side and realize: it wasn’t as bad as I thought, I got myself and I got my will to keep at it.

 I recommend the following audios which assisted me a lot to precisely nail down this topic to what I just opened up about and shared here, and they are a great reminder of how we tend to narrow our view to a few things in our lives instead of reminding ourselves to see the greater picture. I also want to thank everyone that continually walks this process with Desteni, because without each other, it would certainly be most difficult to face things our lives in a supportive way.

 

Unfolding

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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423. Proof that I’ve been Mind Controlled

 

Following through a bit with this ‘happiness’ redefinition, I would not have been able to be comfortable in opening up this word to redefine if I hadn’t looked at a key aspect that I’ve been noticing for quite some time in walking this process of removing/stopping past self-definitions.

This became clearer when I shared in a podcast I called Doing Good = Uncool? about how currently there is a tendency to deem everything that is rebellious and antagonistic as ‘cool’ and everything that is supportive, disciplined and orderly as ‘uncool’ – and the way I found out that this mostly was a personal perception is when I attempted to find pictures on Google images that would depict this type of construct or judgments upon what I had seen as ‘cool’ and ‘uncool,’ there were no pictures for me to depict that! So that made it obvious that I had to rather look at it from a very personal manner instead and ended up creating my own ‘picture’ to depict the kind of perception I had held within me.

 

Cool vs uncool

 

My previous attempt in life was to become what I defined and believed to be a ‘cool’ person, so just because I had gotten so much bashing/criticism from my peers while growing up for always being ‘the straight A’ person in school and so being defined as nerdy for that and ‘tight’ or ‘uncool,’ I focused on finding ways to shake those definitions off by being very specific in the type of ‘person/personality’ I would become. This is how I decided to pick and integrate aspects that I could deem were going ‘against the grain,’ so to speak, against the expectations that I perceived everyone had around me. This influenced everything of me, the way I would dress/look, act, speak, the topics I would bring up, the kind of books I read, the kind of music I’d listen to, the way I would relate to people, to my family etc.  And TV was a great source of ‘inspiration’/dormant brainwashing for that, as I have shared here previously that I mostly grew up watching MTV and so there I shaped all my preferences toward everything and everyone that seemed to ‘challenge’ the status quo, to go against the flow and step out of the ‘schemes’ in one way or another, or be intimidating toward others, as a way to ‘challenge the establishment’ or being in a constant ‘defense mode,’ which is a ‘trendy’ way to actually hide the fear that instigates these ‘hardass’ personalities.

Little did I know that this was part of a greater scheme of social engineering to have kids grow up aspiring to be ‘rockstars’ or ‘artists’ and had nothing to do or no sense of responsibility to this world, but instead define all things ‘rebellious’ and ‘antagonistic to the system’ as being super cool.

So, this is how I then became what I could define as a disciplined rebel, because it’s not like I started slacking at school, I actually proved that I could still ‘pull out a straight A’ without even studying at times, just by being very attentive in class and so using my ‘wits’ to challenge professors and classmates alike – lol, I was really in for being like a typical dissident in many ways and deem that as cool, even if for others it wasn’t, to ‘me’ that was the definition of ‘being an outcast’ and enjoying myself within that because of seeing myself as ‘special,’ as having ‘no trend’ without realizing it was a trend and it was becoming more and more common in order to get people reacting, being angry and antagonistic against everything and everyone, just to remain in perpetual conflict and never looking at solutions.

Of course nowadays doing this type of ‘dissidence’ has become like the norm and it’s no longer as ‘shocking’ as it was some 10 years ago, which is how I’ve seen a fascinating shift in the perception of ‘values’ and the role that the media/TV has had on twisting people’s ideas of ‘what they want to do with their lives’ and what they find as ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’ by imposing a ‘new’ morality that claims openness, sexual liberation and ‘independence’ but it’s all just a false idea of empowerment through antagonism – been there, done that, doesn’t work!

So this is why I then saw that everything I deemed as ‘uncool’ was in fact that which was in fact supportive: to be self-responsible, to be disciplined, to be non-antagonistic, to have a ‘clean’ presentation of oneself, to not be destructive, to not bash or blame others, etc. This included a very key aspect that had prevented me from realizing I could live the word ‘happiness’ in fact, because I had associated happiness with people being fully blind and not seeing reality, I deemed it as a dirty word that could only be used to define an ever elusive utopia that we were too far away from or impossible of ever creating even. I deemed that anyone that could call themselves ‘happy’ were absolutely disingenuous and blinded from reality. So it is in this judgment that I then prevented me from even considering looking at this word ‘happiness’ for myself, meaning investigating ‘who I was’ toward this world, how I could live it in a self-honest manner; I was in a way still holding on to the ‘image’ or ‘idea’ of myself as still ‘challenging the system’ and being cool in that, but in no way wanting to get to what I had defined as ‘being a positive thinker’ of sorts by talking about things like ‘being happy,’ or creating a ‘happy future for everyone’ lol.

 

 

 

All of these are just judgments and perceptions wherein I was in fact denying to myself being able to expand my living into seeing the word happiness and not link it to some nerdy-good-doer type of personality as my own mind construct, as my own past definitions that came through ‘judgments’ that I refused to be or become at others’ eyes. In fact now that I can speak about it and define me in the process of creating happiness within myself and my world, I no longer see something pulling out inside me as a ‘NOOO what the hell are you talking about!!?’ type of reluctant backchat that would come within me whenever anyone talked about ‘being happy’ or aiming at being happy in this world. A part of me really, really rejoiced experiencing and living in misery, gloom and doom which is a whole construct that I’ve been debunking throughout the years in this process, and along with that discovering what I was preventing me from acknowledging as part of my living potential, just because I had defined it as ‘uncool’ lol, and going ‘against my personality.’

What are personalities really but locks and cells wherein we believe we would ‘get out of character’ if we challenge such self-definitions and preferences and dare to think outside of our box – it’s really all a mind job wherein we hold on to ‘past definitions’ of who we are and in that we lock ourselves in one way or another from being able to fully embrace our living potential, which is not at all about being a ‘good person’ now instead of an ‘evil one,’ not at all –  it’s about recognizing words for the expression they are and can be when lived in self-honesty, and no longer about words that hold relationships to pictures, ideas, personalities or preferences as they exist in the world system.

 

In this, I realize that if we are to genuinely become the living word, we have to expunge ourselves from any limitation, any self-delimitation/definition that keeps us locked into a phoney idea of ‘who we are,’ which becomes a constricted character that is still defined by attitudes, behaviors, preferences, personality traits and so forth which are all part of the egos we believe we are. So it’s always a matter of asking oneself: what do I accept and allow to define me and my every moment in this world? What am I still holding on to with preventing me from living this word – such as ‘happiness’- as myself? Why had I defined this word as uncool and a pure sham? What am I missing out when dismissing living a world that is actually able to be lived and constructed in a self-honest manner?

Seems that self-sabotage is the only answer as to why we prevent us from digging out the corpses that prevent us from give ourselves a real blank-slate to create our lives, free from the past, I mean why would I want to hold on to an idea of ‘who I should be’? To be liked by ‘certain kinds of people’ only? Because I wanted to get along and ‘attract’ similar people – but would I then be even ‘attracting’ real and genuine people or only other similar characters that focus on getting along with similar characters in their lives to remain locked in the same characters forevermore?

Time to break the shell of one’s personality in all ways and challenge it further, and to me having to be speaking of solutions, focusing on looking at practical reality outcomes and how I can be a living example of doing this would have been like an ‘uncool’ thing to do in the past, because I was following the bashing/ rebelling trend, lol, not considering that I was really on my way to be a self-defined pariah that wanted to be special and ‘cool’ through abdicating all responsibility to myself and my world, because ‘oh it was ‘so cool’ to only bash the world and do nothing about it.’ ´

My suggestion is to watch out for this kind of thinking construct, even more so when this kind of ‘attitude’ is shaping lots of youngsters mindsets with ‘life mottos’ such as Y.O.L.O You Only Live Once and ‘living life on the fast lane,’ being the most ‘rebel’ and ‘darky’ and ‘antagonistic’ to precisely avoid youngsters genuine awareness of how they can contribute to creating life, a better future for all – and instead remain in an abysmal and gloomy outlook on life, because in that way you get discouraged from ‘doing something about it’ and so, it’s most profitable to seek ‘happiness’ or fulfillment through trends, drugs, partying and sex than doing anything genuinely supportive in one’s life.

And so, this is then a general self-awareness point wherein this ‘live fast, die young , don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone, do drugs, have sex with as many as you can and enjoy the rock and roll’ type of mentality is seen as ‘the ultimate cool’: It is not, and that’s why there’s such a vast amount of disarray and mental/physical problems in young adults that follow this ‘trends’ that actually start from TV, from so called ‘alternative books’ as well as it happened in my case.

 

Here’s an invitation to look at yourself, where is it that you are still a product of social-engineering brainwashing through the media and ‘culture’ in terms of personalities, likes-dislikes, preferences, the ‘type of people’ you’ve perceived yourself to be and all the points that go ‘against your character’ that you have refrained yourself from openly investigating. I would not have been able to get to this conclusion if I hadn’t walked the process of deconstructing ‘me’ as a personality and so link the dots to see why I had a slight reaction to even talk about ‘happiness’ before.

 

Life is not about becoming a character that seeks to be the ultimate cool and ‘rebellious,’ that’s the illusion of freedom SOLD as an EXPERIENCE.

Genuine and real freedom from mind control is to take responsibility for oneself, to actually not allow oneself to be brainwashed into ‘trends’ or following what the masses think is ‘cool’ which at the moment is ‘the masses think being a rebel is cool’ which is then of course not at all an actual ‘threat’ any longer, lol, it never has been! Think of the punk movement as being part of social engineering in Britain to exacerbate youngster’s addictions and dissociation from taking responsibility in their society, because drug addicts and an impaired society is more easy to control than healthy, self-aware and ‘unbrainwashable’ individuals, which is what we have to now focus on being and becoming – mind control is only possible if we accept it and allow it.

So, are you mind controlled?

 

Unhooking Past Definitions

 

Cool blog to read on re-approaching Happiness:

Why I First Resisted The Relationship of Happiness to Money – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 653

 

Oldie:

2012 Destonians Take Over the World: The New Culture of LIFE

 

Read people recognizing their self creation abilities – including the redefinition of happiness – in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


392. Why are Emotional Relationships a Fuckup?

Continuing from:

 

“So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools that I can apply to what I am doing now.” From 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

Nostalghia

 

Facing Myself, my Relationships through the Relationship with Art

I suggest to read:  What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608 by Andrew Gable

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationships based on emotions and feelings wherein it doesn’t matter whether it is arts or a person or a responsibility or a place, the moment that I create emotional and feeling attachments to places/people/objects/professions then I begin creating my own trap through definitions based on what I believe that ‘I like’ and what I believe is ‘my thing’ based on nothing else but emotions, feelings, experiences that I went attaching toward something/someone over time, and then believing that I am in fact all of these experiences, emotions and feelings in relation to something or someone, without realizing that such experiences cannot define what such something or someone is in fact, as it is all entirely self-created, it is me-myself that has created this experience within me.

Within this premise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately automate the words ‘my relationship to/with something/someone’ being defined as an experience that I have built toward something or someone instead of the actuality of how I participate, interact with, communicate with /through something or someone and within that realizing that any experience that I create is entirely my own and has nothing to do with that something or someone but myself at all times.

Therefore I realize that the projections upon ‘art’ is in fact the experience that I have created toward the who I was within that time of my life when I chose to study art and that If I were to place myself within that same frame of mind 7 years ago, I would probably still go for that choice in life, which means that it is a decision I made entirely based on what I wanted to experience and who I wanted to be as a personality, an ego and satisfy my drive that I went building up throughout time to ‘make it’ within the art world – so this point I have opened up before however now I am able to see that it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself, I’ve made of art the excuse to project my own judgments toward my decisions, the way that I established relationships toward this something that I ‘built myself’ around, and as such because I realized I could not continue constructing myself as ‘an artist’ within the initial ideals I had, then I acted in spite and begun regretting and embarrassed by my choices in life as I see them as ‘useless’ without realizing that I was actually reacting at all the various others things I did in my life throughout that time of which I cannot be proud of either and that I cannot certainly recognize as ‘myself’ any longer so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the relationships that I built with people and with specifically my career as ‘arts’ which in fact reflect all the choices in my life, the people that I chose to surround myself with and that I cannot really judge myself for who I was back then as back then I had no awareness of the points I am aware now.

So I realize that I have to stop being ‘hard’ on myself based on this hidden-experience of having ‘the past haunting me,’ and so be able to finally let go of it as I do not have to re-enact this kind of shame or embarrassment about myself, my past relationships, my emotionally-driven decisions in life because it is to realize that back then I didn’t know any other way – and so instead I am grateful to be able to be here writing myself, having deviated from ‘the path’ that I had initially chosen as god knows where the hell I would be if I had followed through my ‘lifestyle’ and the relationships I built around the same ego and personality that I was. I rather see and recognize that I’ve definitely moved on from that phase of my life, but! Also realizing that every time that I create an experience toward any memory, any relationship, any past choice including my decision to study arts, I recreate the entire network of ‘the who I was’ in my past and as such I continue enslaving myself to those relationships and only fuel the negative experiences that are the opposite polarity to the initial positive experiences that I used to build my relationships with people and with the profession/career I was veering myself toward.

And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the usual pattern within the mind which is ‘dissing’ something once that one has squeezed the last drop of positive experience out of it, which means that once that it ‘served me’ and ‘its purpose’ and I’ve hit the ground back into reality about it and I am no longer seeing visions based on emotional and feeling experiences, then I go into the opposite polarity of talking bad about it and feeling righteous within that, without realizing that it is only the predetermined and rather predictable outcome from an initial positive experience that I created with such ‘passion’ about it that when the whole experience was no more, I ‘dropped’ down to the bottom and the opposite – so it happened just like a typical relationship wherein people first get in love with each other and as time progress and the energy runs dry, they part ways and talk shit about each other, so that’s what I did toward ‘art,’ and I didn’t even realize it because to me it was so right that it hadn’t fulfilled my expectations that I believed I had ‘the right’ to feel that way about it, without seeing the obvious: it was a feeling, an emotion, a judgment that came from nothing else but the ‘who I was’ toward art and so, within this ‘dissing’ recreating my past relationship to art over and over again – trapping myself in my own past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional relationships toward what I deemed as ‘my career’ or ‘my path’ which in this case was art/being an artist and within this allow a physical process to become a rather emotionally driven relationship, similar to those that I’ve walked with individuals wherein there are a lot of feelings and emotions attached to something/someone that I want to hold onto and when the relationship is no more, such dependency then turns into a ‘lack’ of this fulfillment gotten from something or someone and as such, it turns into a form of bitterness ‘toward something or someone,’ without realizing that this all is really not about ‘art’ in itself or the people in my past relationships or else, it’s about myself and how I created relationships of dependency upon others in order to ‘satisfy me’ or ‘complete me’ or give me some kind of experience to which I could define myself, build myself, construct and upgrade myself as the ego that I was wanting to be within the ‘who I am’ as a professional artist as well as within the relationship formed in relation to who I am as an artist and in relationship to others.

 

Therefore I realize that the best way to follow through with this is to entirely let go of my experiences toward my past specifically and so be able to give myself back to myself as being able to focus on what is here, what I am working with, what I am developing as myself and also to align my relationship to art and be able to enjoy it, visiting museums or read about it, hear it, interact with it without loading the entire experience of ‘going to the museum’ and defining myself according to that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in the past few years and whenever I would talk about some forms of contemporary art become infuriated and a bit angry about what I defined as being utterly selfish and self-centered and ‘useless’ to the problems that I was then realizing were ‘much more important than that’ – and in this, I still agree that there are more important points in life than some kinds of art that are merely conceptual and contemplative and ‘useless’ as a tool to create practical solutions to the world – however, this obviously doesn’t justify the fact that I’ve been spiteful and holding this love-hate relationship to it, and within this only fueling an inner conflict of still being interested in or curious about the current art forms that are emerging while at the same time judging it as useless so here

I had considered myself to feel bitter about art

art-should-be

Bitter: causing pain or unhappiness. Feeling or showing angry hurt or resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about art as in becoming resentful toward it and toward the people that create it, not realizing that I had exactly done the opposite for a prolonged period of time which is why the inner conflict arose in the first place, all based on me wanting to make of art the quintessential human experience and making it the most ‘honorable profession on Earth’ or so, and so believing that being an artist was the same or similar thing as to say I was chosen by god and/or touched by god, so in essence a lot of delusions of grandeur that I created within me and that I projected toward art. So, this bitterness as in being angry, resentful, dissatisfied toward art has to do with me having to let go of my own desires/hopes/dreams related to me becoming an artist. So once again, it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself but the expectations and experiences I created toward it and so, when realizing I had to stop pursuing my mind any further and only feeding my ego, that’s when the opposite relationship came up.

When and as I see myself feeling bitter about any form of art that I may see, read about or even people that create art and discuss their work – I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am not tensing my physical body and experiencing that bolt of energy within me wanting to ‘let them know the truth about their creation’ which is in fact nothing else but me wanting to ‘express’ through reaction, as if I had ‘the truth’ within myself and so within this actually becoming nothing more than an ego that wants to be recognized for ‘my new position’ which is not really supportive but only a packet of resentment, judgments and overall bitterness toward that which I once praised.

I realize that this all comes from how much the entirety of ‘my world’ and ‘myself’ that I deemed as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ were in fact not, so this whole relationship with art I remember very well was the first initial ‘big hit’ that I took when understanding who we are as the mind, as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system and that the thing I feared losing the most was the personality I had created through/as art and having chosen that path for myself, which is why that initial big fear of loss about this self-definition had such a ‘big impact’ in the aftermath, wherein I allowed myself to not be entirely self-directive toward art but instead then create the opposite polarity and so still participating within the mind. And this came through even though I believed I was ‘well over with it,’ only to test out not long ago that there were still reactions coming through the more ‘artistic’ documentaries I would watch and wanting to ignore the reactions to it until I simply believed that I had to ‘speak my mind’ about it – and yes, it was ‘my mind’ and a till here no further to when and as I see myself questioning or asking another about their creation from the starting point of the ‘bitter drop-out of an artist’ that I became in my mind, and so stop defining myself based on the choices of the past and focus on communicating or creating a dialogue based on what we can learn from it, what can be useful to understand our human condition or even innovate and take points to be creative in the ways that I can support myself and others through this process while using art as a supportive tool for it, without endowing it the entire ‘duty’ of ‘changing the world’ in itself, which as I’ve previously discussed, it’s impossible.

When and as I see myself wanting to create an experience of spite or disdain and bitterness toward ‘art’ and seeing it as useless or pointless while at the same time being curious about it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that both the negative and positive experiences are only re-creations of the ‘who I was’ in the past as an art-lover and then the who I became as the anti-thesis of that which was pretty much being very critical toward art within a negative context, and so I simply stop, breathe and observe/interact with it without creating any experience but rather seeing it objectively for what it is. And this is the challenge really because I had cult-ivated the experiences attached to works of art and becoming emotional about it, which I also learned from books at the same time. So I realize that all of my emotions and feelings are in fact nothing else but knowledge and information that I’ve translated into energetic experiences that serve no purpose for me to interact with something or someone.

 

I commit myself to be able to be here as breath while witnessing performances, watching/visiting museums or art galleries and also to remain here as breath when getting too excited about seeing something because that’s also once again recreating the same pattern of the visual vicious – which I’ve talked about extensively of – and so realize it’s just images, it’s just pictures, it’s just a part of reality and the only way I can ‘react’ to something is if I ‘load’ all my past-definitions in order to react based on memories and the knowledge that I had built around art and the ‘who I am’ toward art. So I can practically simply stop those past definitions and focus on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read about the Stendhal syndrome in some book and consider that I would get this kind of experiences such as seeing ‘the sublime’ and mostly images that would depict the end of the world, which is why I focused myself so much on depicting the end of the world and getting a kick out of it, and believe that these emotions were ‘normal’ to me and that I had all the right to ‘express them’ but, the reality is that it was all a self-created experience and that there was no ‘magic’ or ‘real connection’ to painting or anything like that which I believed was something ‘special’ within me. Therefore I realize that these experiences were pretty much all created within my desperate need to ‘feel something’ because I had deemed the ability to ‘feel’ as in becoming emotional as special, as sensitive, as ‘unique’ in a human being – and so I created my own web of experiences according to how I would see others would feel and so mimic it, read books that were very emotional and then going determining what I would find as ‘emotional’ and what I would like to experience and so integrate as part of the ‘who I was’ as the characters that I read about and that I eventually wanted to create for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to made of past relationships as something conflictive and filled with ‘turmoil’ inside my mind as I realize that this was also part of the definition of who I wanted to be as a very sensitive person in order to be able to have stories to tell or talk about, as I believed that I had to suffer to make any real art. Therefore, I realize that any experience I created toward something or someone wasn’t part of reality as such, but entirely self created in my mind. Within this, I realize that also in my relationships the experiences I created about others were never ‘real’ as such, but only the plethora of experiences and definitions I created upon them – that’s why once the energy ran dry and seeing the individuals or situations that I was in within my life with sober eyes and frame of mind, the ‘truth’ of myself and the interactions with others/something came through as it is.

 

So a way to redefine a relationship it is to first of all no longer define tit through/as an emotion or feeling, something that we believe is ‘real’ in the mind based on memories, ideas, beliefs, past experiences that we then make real as our preference, as that which ‘we want,’ without taking physical reality into consideration.

Therefore an emotional relationship will always end up as a ‘fuck-up’ if it is not aligned to physical reality wherein I can stand as an individual that first of all ponders what it is that I sought in my relationship with something/someone that I believed I didn’t have myself, alone – and so realize that whichever I was expecting to get from ‘art’ or someone in my life were and had been all points of separation, illusions that I believed were unable to be experienced within me. So this is how the best way to create a relationship with someone or something is to ensure that it is seen through the eyes of physical reality, where no emotions, feelings, no past experiences, no ideals, wants, needs or desires become a decisive factor in terms of defining who I am toward others, as all I have to consider is myself and within doing that I can then interact with something/someone based on the principles that I can integrate within myself, as the relationship that I want to establish for myself so that no matter what I do, where I am, with who or alone, I remain stable, supporting myself, getting to know about others in the relationships formed with my reality, recognizing myself as one and equal with them, instead of seeing them as points to ‘fulfill me’ or things/experiences that I believed I lacked.

I realize that it’s been supportive to revisit this aspect of ‘my relationship to art’ to review my state of affairs in relation to other relationships based on emotions in the past, and so to focus on preventing further ‘fuckups’ as the ups and downs and polarity relationships of ‘love and hate’ as that is all of the mind –  instead there are more physical aspects and perspectives to consider here as well.

Life on Earth in itself is built through relationships, so I cannot define relationships only as personal relationships with something or someone, but rather realize that we are all made of and constantly require and exist as relationships that define the way we live in our world – therefore the more we are able to act, participate and be part of these relationships in a physical and common sensical manner without being driven by desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies and illusions, the more we will be able to begin changing the focus of our reality – from the distraction that emotional relationships are to a rather physical process of aligning ourselves to that which enables our coexistence in the best possible manner – no feelings/emotions required for that, no special relationships but rather the equalization and realization of who I am as this interdependence

 

to be continued…

Mechanical Heart 06

 

To learn more about how to establish proper Relationships suggest the Re-defining Relationships – Agreement Course  as well as:


236. Perfect Slave with Badges of Honor

“from Intelligence to IntelliSENSE would be the process from knowledge and information, to commonsense practical reasoning” – Sunette Spies

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness on the Intelligence Character:

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define intelligence according to ‘having good grades in school’ and being recognized as superior/  more than others for that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link intelligence to responsibility within the context of how I developed this skill of being able to learn/memorize things and do the respective tasks/ assignments at school in a timely and precise manner which suited the character of being ‘intelligent and responsible’ within the context of school only, believing that I was in fact ‘intelligent’ and ‘responsible’ as form of special trait within me, without realizing they were just skills developed and used within only a particular field of my reality such as school, yet in terms of other aspect of myself I would not be responsible and would not be common sensical to question reality further than what I was taught about it, which proves then that intelligence was a self-belief fueled by others within my reality as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of self definition toward knowledge and information as ‘what I am good for’ in terms of working with it, memorizing it and as such due to how our school system is configured, the more you memorize stuff = the more intelligent you are considered – within this missing out an actual ability to discern what is of real value in this world as life and physicality, just because of learning how to cultivate and attain this ‘superiority’ of mind, that actually only serves the same system as the world system that is configured as our individual minds, within this supporting the inherent separation that we’ve become as fully fledged mind systems that disregard the physicality that we are as equality, learning to value life within the mind according to knowledge and information that later on becomes money to sell oneself within the system in order to be able to live – that’s what our knowledge and information has served then: energy and not life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, consider and believe that intelligence was a ‘positive trait’ within human beings as something that I had to cultivate, without ever being actually common sensical about this association and placing it within the context of how the world is functioning where no super-intelligent being has made use of such intelligence to present and promote solutions that could change the way we live and participate within this world, within an actual regard of what’s best for all. This is what must be now regarded as an actual intelligence as intelliSense that is able to be cultivated, promoted and integrated within human beings through us sharing how we have come to understand that we have never lived in common sense, but only followed knowledge and information as ‘who we are,’ separating ourselves from our own physicality and diminishing ourselves to be this limited version as a database that is functional within only a certain aspect in our reality. Not at all what Living Life should be about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such intelligence was dependent on the ability to memorize and how I created a relationship to memorize knowledge and information with certain ‘ease’ according to the environment and the conditions I was brought up in – For more explanation on this, hear the Quantum Mind Self Awareness Part 37 that explains how Language is formed and as such, what our ‘intelligence’ in fact is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited every time that I would be able to absorb more knowledge and information within the belief that ‘the more I know/ memorize and accumulate, the More I am’ but not from a reality-understanding perspective, but just piling up the data of knowledge and information that we have to go through within our education and define myself according to it, within this creating a positive experience toward learning, which I also judged because I was supposed to ‘hate school’ as everyone else did, but I didn’t – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy the perspectives of people toward school/ learning as something that is not desirable, and creating an entire self definition according to ‘who I am’ as in secretly enjoying the accumulation of knowledge and information and build a self definition around it, while keeping an opposite façade toward my peers so that I would not be able to be called a nerd or any other name that is pejorative toward anyone that is ‘good’ in school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place this ‘extra value’ toward who I am as this ‘intelligent character’ without realizing that it wasn’t really a ‘virtue’ but only knowledge and information that I had a certain ability to imprint/ memorize within myself, but, being also aware of how there was no practical application for that, other than getting ‘good grades’ in school and being able to explain how things work from what I read in books, which implies that all I have ever done as my supposed ‘intelligence’ was copying-pasting information in my mind to be able to use it as required – which, for that matter, we are all equally within this application as mind systems, wherein everything we do is out of memory that we’ve gotten from our parents and past generations, the environment itself with specific programmed patterns that we integrate at a physical level and simply ‘automate’ our living through that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that anything that is knowledge and information can only exist as the mind consciousness system, as that part of me that I have delegated my actual physical hereness and self directive awareness to, wherein I have defined myself according to the ‘cultivation of knowledge’ as a prop for my own identity/ personality as ego – and within this, diminish myself to be ‘only good for one thing’ which was just being this ‘intelligent character’ while neglecting to cultivate/  apply myself within the aspects that I thought were simply ‘not my thing’ without even trying them out,  such as being one and equal with my physical and being more physical in my every day living, due to having cultivated my mind for the most part of my life. Hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as being ‘good’ for dealing/ handling with knowledge and information and any Mind-work and be sucking at/ bad/ not good enough for any Physical-work, not realizing this was the result of my own self belief played out as ‘who I am’ according to this inherent acceptance of every human being only being good at some things and not good at others, and blindly accept this as such and define good and bad according to my own belief of who I am toward certain activities.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to not question this ‘intelligence’ that I apparently had, and within this not ponder about the information that I was integrating within myself, which was only a limited perception of what we as mind systems have been able to depict and define about humanity and reality, believing that it is in fact so, believing it to be real, without realizing that all that I cultivated was myself as a mind consciousness system looking at itself as such,  but never as an actual physical being that can be absolutely self aware in every moment of breath – wherein one would not require to Know about reality through knowledge and information, but be here in self awareness and understanding all the relationships we hold as part of the whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that I had in fact a form of ‘gift’ for having this ‘ease’ with studies/ knowledge and information and its integration, without realizing that it was all just based on an ability to copy information, store it and then, speak it out.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be aware of this copy-speaking information at a certain level and compare myself to people that I deemed as ‘real intelligent people’ who were actually simply only doing the same mechanism, but veered toward other fields that I considered ‘beyond myself’ such as mathematics, physics and engineering which I believed were ‘superior’ than my so-called intelligence, which proves that even if one deems intelligence as part of one’s ability, there will always in the mind be a point of comparison to make oneself more or less than, invariably so, as in the mind one is seemingly never ‘good enough.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ whenever anyone would say ‘I want to be like you’ wherein I would mostly ask a non-existent god ‘but WHY can’t they also have it easy?’ yet at the same time, believing that I had this ‘gift’ for some miraculous reason and not question it further, not challenge it but only later on spite it, only to end up spiting myself of course.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use intelligence later on as a way to make up for all the other apparent flaws I had, such as lacking an actual physical condition that would be the most healthy or good looking according to the social standards, or being comfortable in socializing – which I only acquired later through association – but for the most part, believe that I could Not have it all, and that I had been given this ‘intelligence’ and that something had to be ‘flawed’ within me in return, such as struggling with accepting myself as my physical appearance, or not having a great physical conditions for sports of high impact and so forth – all of which became part of the limitations I accepted and allowed through family beliefs wherein I learned that we were ‘good’ for being ‘intelligent’ but we would suck at sports or any other outdoor physical activity, within this accepting such limitation as ‘real’ and later on actually living it out as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define and direct my life within this limited scope accepted and allowed self definition within the belief that ‘I am only good at being intelligent’  – and within that only, create this inner conflict within me based on ending up believing that I was intelligent in fact, and that I was not good at other aspects or fields even within knowledge and information in itself, which became thus a reduced point for me to believe that I was probably only good at being intelligent from the perspective of being mostly obeying the system and that’s it, which within this created a personality of responsibility linked to ‘being intelligent’ which is where my fuck up exists,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within the desire to spite this so-called intelligence’ I ended up challenging it because of how I had been fed up with being only associated throughout my life to being this ‘intelligent and responsible person’ that I saw as utterly useless, since within me, there was a lot of inner conflict for not having been able to define who I really was outside of that character/abilities and as such, believing it was ‘unfair’ that I could only be valued for this limited ability to store knowledge and information and speak it out, therefore seeking for other ways to be recognized, praised by others in the opposite pole as in the emotional/ feeling aspect, which I why I deliberately veered toward an ‘artistic career’ and ditched any other expectations teachers, parents or anyone else had told me about such as opting for careers/ professions dealing with numbers, science or further ‘mind cultivation careers’ without realizing that everything in this world-system is currently existent as the mind in itself, therefore there is no point such as something being more ‘humane’ as I defined emotions/ feelings to be than a structural-knowledge and information career, since all that I really am was obviously disregarded within this equation, which is neglecting the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place up a ‘high expectation’ on myself for being apparently this bright person and within this feed my specialness and uniqueness within and throughout my life, within this love/ hate relationship of wanting to be recognized as intelligent and at the same time, hate it because of only being reduced to that, which is just a conflictive-play out in my mind that is always existent whenever we define who we are as our mind and the mind thrives off of energy created through any form of friction and conflict that generates emotions and feelings. Within this creating a ‘depressed state’ because of realizing how I had this apparent flaw to establish personal relationships, because of only being perceived as this ‘intelligent responsible person that others feared’  and creating my own bubble of self-pity just as another entertainment and tunnel vision for myself while growing up.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then seek to spite my own ‘intelligence’ by wanting to develop what I believed was ‘more human’ within me, which was all the emotional/feeling character that I deliberately started developing so that I could be identified more with a more ‘humane scope’ of who I am as these feelings and emotions as ‘sensitivity’ other than being only this rational or ‘intelligent’ person that can memorize stuff and get good grades in the schooling system. Within this, believing firmly that who I really was, were my emotions and feelings, which is how I cultivated this aspect a  lot in a deliberate manner, which is what I am walking as a process wherein I made decision in my life based on satisfying and fulfilling this ‘sensitivity character’  linked to an ‘artistic’ apparent trait.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that no matter which career or which ‘side’ I would cultivate ‘who I am’ in, it was all based on energy – either through the ‘logical/intellectual’ side and aspect as the ‘intelligent character’ or the other one as the ‘sensitive/humane’ character as all the emotional/feeling development that I built as ‘who I am’ – all were based on and as the mind in itself in both aspects that we tend to veer our lives around: being structural or expressive and creating an inner conflict about that, wherein I ended up ‘spiting’ the structural side, the logical/ intellectual/ knowledgeable side and opted to define me as the ‘expressive’ side, not realizing that in this decision, I never considered myself as the physical body in and as a Self-Equality, but only that which I would be able to ‘experience’ at a mind level, which proves how this system in its entirety has never in fact regarded physicality as who we are, since we are always veering toward one side or the other as self definitions in our mind, without even understanding how our very own physical body works, which should already have placed a massive question that I never asked in terms of why we are not self-aware of every single cell of our physical body and the rest of reality for that matter, proving to what extent such perceived intelligence was never ‘real’ as I accepted this entire world ‘as is,’ even if it created a point of inner conflict at times, I would simply let go of the conflict and focus on what I was able to grasp and integrate as ‘who I am’ as more knowledge and information.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still for some reason wanted to believe that I could hold on to this perceived ‘positive trait’ within me, which for that matter would be like wanting to hold on to my mind as this ego-personality that I’ve become to such an extent, that I have not been able to absolutely let go of it. I realize that we live in a system wherein the ability to store knowledge and information and speak about it is regarded as intelligence, and that it is thus my duty as part of my process to direct this ability to develop an actual common sensical understanding of life and living, wherein there is no knowledge and information per se  to memorize, but only understand the processes that lead us to be and become who we are, and within this, be able to transmit it, share it as part of the basic education that we will be living and actually Applying as part of our alignment to that which is Real as ourselves, as physical beings that are integrated with common sense as practical living skills that are applicable within understanding how reality works and as such, direct ourselves within that understanding toward a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only believe that I was a system that can regurgitate knowledge and information and that probably that was ‘it’ for me, that was my task, in this – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish the totality of who I am as a physical being, a part of this whole to a Very limited configuration of a mind system that exists as an energetic churning machine, that consumes physicality to be able to ‘run its course’ and believe that ‘that was all that I am’ and that I had to accept other ‘flaws’ within me because I had to apparently be grateful for being this ‘intelligent person.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the accumulation of memories of people saying that I was intelligent and ending up believing that I was in fact so, which is how we trap ourselves in lies and self definitions toward each other, instead of actually recognizing each other as the life that we really in fact are as equals, that physicality is not defined by a mind-configuration in itself but exists here as the innocence of what life should be, untainted by our energetic schemes that divide and separate ourselves from ourselves and from living in itself, limited to cultivating our minds only and forgetting even about breathing.

 

What type of intelligence is this that we’ve defined ourselves as where we can spend the days Thinking and not even being aware of being a breathing living human being?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had some form of advantage within this process due to this so-called intelligence, which is really nothing else but being able to remember things with probably a bit of more ease, within the realization that it does not make oneself ‘more’ than others, it is just like others being able to have a perfect physical condition to run for a long time and I believe myself to be incapable of doing that, without realizing that all such points entail a physical training and practice – either cultivating the mind or physical activity – nothing is simply ‘magically’ here as a certain ability.

 

The proof of this is that if a kid was born between animals and that kid had no ability to develop memory in the way that a child would do within the ‘family environment’ as in having parents and school speaking words, experiences, and as such learning how to memorize the words, sounds, alphabet, etc. they would simply be considered as ‘not intelligent’ within the system standards, but probably that child would have learned practical skills to survive on their own within a particular environment, which proves that what we currently define as ‘intelligence’ is according to this configuration of the world based on knowledge and information that supports this entire limited-version of reality that we live in, which is then placing on a pedestal all people as walking knowledge and information databases that will enable the continuation of the same system in place, which is then where we as people that are becoming self aware of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become, must stop the continuation of this superior/ special regard to all such knowledge and information that supports the ‘old system,’ and instead focus on walking our own integration of common sensical living wherein we Live the redefinition of intelligence to intellisense: from knowledge and information to a common sensical living awareness of ourselves as physical beings in a physical world, where no more knowledge and information, including our emotions and feelings, define ourselves and limit us between either sides of the poles, but equalize everything that we have been and become through these energetic associations toward our reality, which includes all our self-definitions that simply do not regard life or consider equality as who we really are.

 

“Intelligence is a programme of consciousness/the mind  that consist of and exist as the/a entire body of knowledge and information definitions about ourselves/ ‘who we are’ and our relationships towards ourselves, others and this world as a whole that in fact separate us from ourselves, each other and this world/physical existence. Because we’ve created relationships towards ourselves, others and this world through definitions/programmes within our Mind, and not in fact lived and actual real physical equality and oneness with ourselves, each other and this world. Intelligence is the programme/manifestation that actually separate us from establishing real/eternal relationships of physical equality and oneness” – Sunette Spies

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the relationship of myself toward myself through my mind only and in this, accept the limited scope of defining me as only knowledge and information that I Thought I was ‘good at handling,’ without realizing that in this, any form of actual common sense development was not cultivated, because of learning only through copying and pasting and remaining within the standards and frames of what was good/ right, making me more like the example of what a ‘perfect system’ within this system would be like: being responsible, not questioning further and doing everything I was asked to do. Perfect slave with badges of honor.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be aware to a certain extent of what a lie this intelligence was, but accept it because it ‘at least’ made me feel ‘more’ than others within my mind and create a point of specialness, uniqueness and stand as an example of how to be the perfect system for others to copy, which I believed was my role and simply had to play along, not questioning the actual hierarchical separation and segregation I was cultivating within this all, which is unacceptable to say the least since I only regarded ‘How I experienced myself as an intelligent/ non intelligent  person,’ disregarding the effect of accepting such character within the schooling system and those that had to be deemed as ‘inferior’ for me to be the ‘superior one.’

 

I breathe, I stabilize myself physically and walk through the manifested consequences due to my own accepted and allowed playing of characters without considering physical reality consequences.

 

More to come in the next blog, continuing dissecting this knowledgeable entity that I have dragged as ‘who I am’ and directing myself to equalize myself in all ways to my own physicality.

 

sytem me

 

 

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145. Possessed by my Possessions

Continuing from 144. Obsessive and Possessive Patterns: My belongings 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture ‘my suitcase’ filled with al ‘my belongings’ getting lost and going into fear, wherein the most prominent thought is ‘I will have to buy everything again’ which is that one point defines an actual fact of ‘losing something’ according to losing money through losing the stuff that I’ve bought with money.

When and as I see myself fearing losing money as ‘losing my belongings,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that yes I may have to get things again if something gets lost and is indispensable to live, however it is not create an entire point of possession when losing something. I can instead realize how it doesn’t matter if I ‘lose it all,’as it is to realize that I never in fact ‘owned’ anything as who I am in fact cannot be lost.

I realized that everything that I have believed myself to be in relation to ‘my belongings’ and calling stuff ‘my belongings’ is part of the personal brainwash wherein through money we’ve acquired things that we have defined as ‘our property’ – even sometimes becoming possessed by them – instead of realizing that in equality and oneness as everything that is here, there can exist no ‘real ownership’ in any way whatsoever. How can there be if we cannot even be aware of ourselves as our own physical body and actually BE in it/ as it, we only use it as a way to continue creating ideas beliefs and perceptions of who we are as our thoughts, as our belongings, as ‘that which we own,’ which is the thinking-pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become when accepting the ‘who I am’ in relation to money in a world where life and everything that is of the Earth has been given a numerical value as a ‘price’ that defines the amount of money that we require to have to ‘own it’ because we haven’t simply decided to create a system wherein we can give to each other that which we require to live unconditionally. It is really a matter of deciding to do so.

I commit myself to at all times realize how it is only through the premise and existence of money-consciousness as ‘value’ over life that I can perceive a sense of ‘loss’ and ‘lack’ toward something/ someone in my reality. Thus it is to realize how I can in fact walk this process to equalize myself as my mind, my physical body and the thoughts that I use to define ‘who I am’ to ensure that I no longer ‘think’ of something as a point of property or ownership, but instead realize that it belongs to HERE and is available  for everyone – it is in fact ourselves that must ensure we create a physical system to support all beings Equally, just the way proposed in the Equal Money System which begins at a thought level of how we relate ourselves to the physical reality, ensuring that we do not view ‘who we are’ according to the amount of money we have/ don’t have and the stuff that we buy with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone as ‘careless’ because of presenting little to no attachment to things as ‘belongings.’ I see and realize that worrying and being concerned about ‘losing stuff’ is a point that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as/ be brainwashed with in a continual ‘fear of loss’ in relation to  ‘who I am’ when it comes to ‘my belongings’ as a point of constant possession, instead of realizing that I can in fact use what is here, what I currently have at my disposition to support myself to live, but at all times realizing that I cannot possibly ‘own’ it, as property is in fact a delusion backed by our current capitalist system as our ‘thought-making doctrine’ that we believe is ‘who we are,’ wherein we have given value to everything and everyone in separation of ourselves as one and equal as Life.

When and as I see myself judging someone as ‘careless’ for not ‘caring’ about ‘losing stuff, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I was taught to always ‘be careful with my money/ save it/ keep it/ not squander it’ which became a constant fear-reminder to see money as something ‘superior’ to me, wherein the loss of it would mean ‘being scolded for losing money/ wasting money’ without realizing that money in fact is just paper and coins that we have elevated to a godly status, missing out the entire reality of who we really are as life, as everything that is here that is actually being depleted/ lost because of us using and existing within/as a monetary system that functions according to the utmost exploitation of the Earth’s resources to build our happy-go-lucky lives of buying, consuming, repeating  until we are ‘satisfied’ about having ‘all the money we can’ and equate that to being ‘happy successful’ and ‘satisfied’ – thus

I commit myself to realize at all times that creating an experience upon ‘losing’ something is an actual product of my own brainwashing in relation to the value of money as the thing that ‘I buy my belongings with,’ which I have judged as a ‘separate point’ and in fact, perceived as ‘my happiness/ my satisfaction’ in separation of myself.

I realize that in my mind to disguise the actual ‘specialness’ I had created toward money, I gave ‘more value’ to the actual ‘things’ as belongings, which reveals how it is that we can deceive ourselves to separate money as the bills and coins from the actual ‘stuff’ that we bought with money as ‘belongings,’ as if money in itself was just a  ‘nasty powerful thing’ yet when transformed into an ability to possess/ own something, it suddenly becomes ‘alright’ because we’ve made it ‘alright’ to believe we can in fact own something. This is creating yet another value-system upon things besides the original delusion as money-consciousness having any real value in itself upon life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge myself for ‘not caring about what I have’ wherein I was then taught to ‘actually care’ because ‘money had been spent on me/ the things I own and use,’ which then became my way of thinking as the acquired conception of money as something that I had to regard as ‘separate’ and ‘special’ within the confines of my mind and the value imprinted onto things I own, used, the food I ate, the clothes I wore, the materials I worked with, making of money this ‘one thing’ that I would create a separate bubble of concern for and utmost care due to how I believed that money was in fact something ‘important’ to take care of, without ever asking how this money came to be, why it is that money is being used to abuse each other/ the Earth and the animal kingdom or how it is that money can exist as debt.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I must care about money’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that money is currently the key to keep supporting ourselves to live and how it is that we must work currently in order to live – however, it is not to dismiss the fact that it is only a means to get the points we require to live and that in no way can we continue regarding it as a separate superior point to ourselves, as that would be then the point of abuse that we ‘hold on to’ and as such, tampering our ability to equalize ourselves as life.

I commit myself to care about money within the consideration of it being a tool to survive at the moment – however I also commit myself to walk the process of redefining money as a tool to administrate the Earth’s resources and make them available to all beings equally as it always should have been.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize how I have used money as a way to lie and deceive myself and others to believe that because I have money, I have the right to ‘own’ something because ‘I bought it with MY money,’ which is no different to believing in a god/holy spirit/superior force endowing me with this magnificent ‘power’ to ‘own’ something/ someone – thus

When and as I see myself believing that I can in fact ‘own’ something – I stop and I breathe – I remind myself of the joke that the holy-spirit and god endowing powers imply as an equivalent to the belief of me being able to ‘own something,’ as this is a quick an effective way to debunk any special regard I had kept toward money as an actual ‘power’ to ‘get what I want,’ which is then a point wherein I can instead, check my point of self interest/ self definition instead of holding something as ‘important’ in my mind without any awareness of what it is that I am in fact being possessed by in a single moment, which in such events, it is only being possessed by the holy-money-consciousness concept of money that is used to abuse life in a self-righteous mode.

I commit myself to redefine money as a current practical tool that I use in order to be able to support myself to survive and direct it to continue supporting myself/others to actually step out of our delusional money-trap as an enslavement system and in fact, destine money to implement the ultimate solution that will Ensure Life is Equalized at last in all ways, wherein money then will have no ‘meaning’ other than a counting tool to administrate the Earth’s resources in a way that is best for all life.

I realize that it is through me stopping and correcting the relationship I have held toward money that I begin the actual living of Equal-money as myself, wherein I no longer hold any ‘special value’ upon everything that is Here as Life, as I can then realize myself as being one and equal to it all as well.

 

This places things into perspective and realize how we have defined ‘our belongings/ possessions’ as things we have acquired with money that exists in a monetary system wherein Life is not considered at all.

Thus it is to realize who we are toward money as a thought in our minds that exists as the premise and accepted ‘value over life,’ which is unacceptable. Thus, what we have to redefine is our relationship toward money, our relationship toward ourselves as the thoughts that have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist within/ as a system of ‘values’ in separation of life.
I realize that everything that we have become as our current monetary system began with a thought, a thinking pattern of wanting to ‘own’ something, have ‘power’ over others, wanting to earn, have, use and even abuse for our own benefit and satisfaction as a delusion of possibly being able to be ‘more’ than who and what we already are.

 

The question here to ask ourselves is: have we ever then lived according to the physical realization of equality as life? No, we haven’t. Hence the Equal Money System exists as the realization and practical implementation of life as the one and only value on Earth, using Money as a simple tool that will allow us to learn how to live as equals, how to give to each other what we want for ourselves and as such, stop living in fear of loss, stop living being possessed by our possessions. I realize that who I am cannot be reduced to having/owning something, as this is in fact the ‘flawed’ association to equalize: we cannot own something, we can only use it to support ourselves to live. I realize that to be and become possessed by ‘wealth’/ money is the same as being possessed by a holy spirit believing ourselves to be ‘powerful’ in fact. We are not, we have only abused life through our current conception of money – thus it is time to stop.

I commit myself to stop brainwashing children about money being ‘the point of power to save’ as this is in fact the actual thought accepted and allowed as ‘real’ that determined my entire relationship toward money as something ‘superior’ to myself, something that I had to regard as ‘important,’ within the belief that it is what would allow me to OWN things – so is this the power of the NOW?

 

THE NWO is the Equal Money System.

Join us in our dedication to Equalize Life in this world for once and for ALL.

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Journey To Life

 

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Process of Self-Realization: Equality as a group

‎”All words we live is always from another, that is how we were created as whom we are. We live these words because of who we are. The message we present at Desteni do not make life easier. in fact –quite the opposite. It makes us aware of a world in peril and then we can never be comfortable again till this is directed in a practical way that produce a world best for all.” – Bernard Poolman

Change is inevitable once that we embark ourselves in this process because it is about actually doing that in all aspects: stepping outside of our preprogrammed cages to embrace a reality that is here and has always been HERE,  yet we’ve sought ‘ourselves’ outside all the time, seeking quick fixes and short lived highs to have a thrill during the day. It didn’t cross my mind that I had to in fact take my life first through a process of self-purification before even daring to speak about ‘changing the world.’ We tend to skip that initial vital step of first getting to know ourselves, to establish that initial starting point of being the point of change that we want in this world. And for that, a single ‘measuring point’ is required: Equality as Life. This basic principle, when understood and walked, changes your entire life experience because we step out of only considering ‘us’ and our own experience, and get to know others that are also taking the decision to stand up for life. By this I  mean us, Destonians: human beings that dare to live, dare to let go of all limitations, relationships, ideas, perceptions that we’ve believed is ‘who we really are’ – which is not so in fact.

When we begin to see our life through the self honesty lens, we start seeing how we have walked our lives without having taking a proper moment to look at what is it that is driving us to keep certain relationships, to talk and behave in certain ways, to have a set of preferences that makes up our personality which in my case, was created within a selective process of taking this and that from people I admired while growing up. All of this to create our suitable-survival kit to ‘cope with the world’. We start realizing how self-destructive we can be when existing only in our minds while we think, think, think and neglect our physical body and the reality that is here while doing so. This is just a part of the aspects I am now able to see/ realize; but back then, all that mattered to me was to create an ‘original mix’ of all the bits and aspects I’d take from people in my reality as well to create myself as something that I could be ‘proud’ of. I would self-talk a lot and make it my own entertainment which is a point that I am still facing and walking, mostly directing it to be part of a process of communicating to myself points of self direction instead of indulging in endless self-conversations about imaginary situations.

Well, that process didn’t go exactly ‘well’ as I was mostly getting myself deep into the rabbit hole with almost no ticket to get back to my 5 senses.  I also do not judge that period of my life – which I used to do at the beginning of my process – I’ve come to realize it had to happen to a certain extent to get myself here where I am standing at the moment. It might sound like justifying the experiences that I put myself through, but it was also a process of self-discovery wherein my own urge to live got me to known and walk ways that lead  me to see/realize which ways Not to take as they lead me nowhere.

Once that I found Desteni, one of the main points that supported me was participating in the forums, getting to interact, get perspectives from ‘the brave ones’ that had dared themselves to start vlogging and sharing their blogs of which there were only a few 4 years ago. They all inspired me to the extent that I became a committed blogger once that I started writing myself to freedom, which took me a while to grasp of course and till this day, we continue learning from each other which is awesome when walking as a group.

How I got to grasp what common sense, self honesty, self forgiveness mean is through watching all the material, participating in the forums, reading it constantly at the beginning to then participate and support myself/ others while having a fair-understanding of what we were actually doing there. It’s through the forums that I had many realizations wherein everything started ‘making sense’ after having devoured hours and hours of videos and articles in the website.

However, once the information started ‘settling in’ within me, I started realizing: ‘oh oh, this is for real, I have to Actually Do This.’ I remember this moment, I was standing in the kitchen while having the last drags of a joint that I used to ‘cope with all the information’ and while staring at the lighter that I had kept next to me for over a year and a half in my secret tin boxes, I realized that if I wanted to take this change seriously I would have to let go of that which I had cherished up to that moment. I can recognize I exaggerated the point at times in terms of ‘cutting ties’ with it all, but it was also part of the process of literally stopping participation in everything that had ‘defined me’ and see what remained. I remained, yet people started asking questions because of how I radically took on the point of ‘being self honest’ and took it as a rather obtuse move instead of taking the process for what it is: a space time process of getting to know myself, realizing the points that require self-correction, walking self forgiveness, educating myself on what is common sense, what is self honesty, writing, sharing and walk it in real-life.

It is only through time that I learned how to modulate myself and realize how it is not to shut down ourselves from our world and sever all relationships, but to actually learn How to live and continue walking this process while walking the matrix as we say, realizing in a practical way how I have created myself and How I can now create myself as a being that stands in Equality as Life. For that I can say that getting direct perspectives from people at the forums became a vital point of support at a personal level which is what I see is the awesome point about Desteni being a platform of information and support with tools that anyone can apply and live individually while walking as a group no matter where in the world we are.

We begin by letting go of our personal quirks that enhance our personalities which have become our ‘safe spot’ to not have to ‘deal with the world’ – that’s what it was for me, I got to enjoy being called crazy because it allowed me to not have to ‘fit in’ which was cool in a way, but it would also become a safe-spot to challenge my own idea of being ‘eccentric’ and taking it to other levels. These are words I have previously debunked for myself as part of my personality-traits, I can definitely say the influence of such points within me has diminished drastically as I was able to pin point what points I was aiming to ‘fuel’ and for what reasons – they are all failing to remain and get past the test of time as I continue walking here.

One of the outflows that I see as a result of constantly being reading, watching, sharing, writing, and supporting myself/ others within this process is how we tend to adopt the words, language used in the material, which is part of the process of educating ourselves to become specific, to get proper understanding of the words and how to become aware of how we live such words.

I’m not concerned about ‘speaking in a Desteni way’ or adopting words/syntax that you will most likely be able to trace back to the Desteni Material. Because 1. There is nothing really ‘original’ in this world and any desire to be so is only a point of ego that wants to ‘step out of the line’ without realizing our obvious point of equality within the most basic aspects of our existence. 2. Everything – literally – everything that you will get to understand and grasp from the Desteni Material will always lead you to a process of transformation wherein we require words that will support such transformation and that are certainly not part of our education in the current education system. Hence we embrace them as part of the process of self realization that we see and realize provides us with the necessary tools to be able to express and communicate effectively with others.

When taking all of these points in a holistic manner, I see that we are establishing a single principle to be walked/ realized by each one, which is what is facilitating the process of taking decisions and sharing responsibilities. We all are aware of being walking by a single principle and this is how we’ve come to realize that if enough people in the world walks through the same process of understanding our reality and committing themselves to do their part as well, we can actually simplify the process of self-change by moving within/as a single principle which is Equality as Life.

For this I suggest to take that self-movement point of joining and sharing at the forum. I can see for myself how it might seem overwhelming at times, but it was only through walking that initial barrier that is a perception and not being afraid to ask whenever something was not clear – and I had investigated the point for myself in a sufficient manner- that I got to learn, share and interact with others regardless of any thoughts that would come up in the way of ‘asking the obvious’ or stuff like that. I didn’t hesitate to post as it was usually through the observations and feedback that I would get upon my posts that I learned to see/ realize the points that I was missing, this was a process of getting back to humbleness after having been riding in a self-righteous ‘smart ass’ way. Cross-referencing is a primary activity when walking as a group of self-support, and it’s fascinating how we’ve been able to walk with several beings developing relationships of equal-stance wherein we are not ‘friends’, we are not ‘family’ or else, we are just equals that have committed ourselves to be the change we want to see in this world. I know I have said this several times, but it has really taken me quite some time to grasp this, to see how I had brainwashed myself by believing in all the stuff that I allowed myself to be distracted too when seeking some form of transcendent spirituality and only caring for my own ‘peace of mind’ while deliberately judging and neglecting everyone around me.

What I can say I enjoy about life is being able to interact and support people that see the world as I do, that are committed in an equal manner to take self responsibility. Learning how to work as a team, stepping outside from my self-interest and general desire to change the world by opposing it, by challenging it in a rather self-righteous way are points I am now able to speak of after long processes of daring to see myself and how I created ‘my ways’ of doing so.  Oh man, we do get  a lot of reactions toward our own realizations, we would almost like to erase it from what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become- yet all of that is able to be self forgiven which is the cool thing about it all,  yet taking the necessary responsibility to actually correct ourselves for what we see and realize has been a fuck up in our existence.

And this is not over yet, it’s only just begun.

If you have any questions or comments upon this, if you are a silent Desteni reader that would like to participate but don’t know how to, or fear approaching the forums, leave a comment here and I’ll be glad to support with further perspectives.

Why do we do this?

Because I have realized/ seen for myself how great it is to let go of all the useless bullshit knowledge I had been busy accumulating in an anxious desire to ‘know it all’ and eventually become ‘more’ than what I deemed I was not: my physical body, the reality that is here; this allows us to then start looking outside of our cocoon into investigating and educating ourselves about how this reality that we live in works.

All of this might be a ‘rough awakening,’ yes, but an absolutely necessary one and a point that I will be grateful for the rest of my existence here. Once that we get past the initial ‘roughness’ what remains is a constant self-directive process wherein we dare to SEE the reality that we live in, wherein we become the point that directs instead of being easily wavering in moods and self dooms which we are able to stop more and more effectively by breathing, placing our experience into perspective and realize: there is actual work to be done here, I cannot remain blissfully breathing only, time to take self-responsibility for the very first time in our existence. We actually have to do this.  And so, all of this is who we are as Destonians.

http://www.desteni.org

http://www.equalmoney.org

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Looking at Art–what is going on up there?

I went to a museum yesterday. I was originally planning on looking only at Ron Mueck’s sculptures, but ended up spending more time looking at two photography exhibitions.  I decided to write about this even though in my mind there are thoughts of ‘Oh you’ve written about this topic several times already,’ but I certainly require to debunk and expose for myself the exact thoughts experienced when looking at photographs. This is then to expose another part of the personality that I created for myself as a ‘sensitive person’ to images that I have defined as ‘art’ and experiencing at times that ‘no one could feel what I could feel’ when looking at an image. This was more prominent in the past and it was also experienced when listening to particular music or reading particular books – in essence when consuming another’s expression.

The ‘Artist’ personality

The memory that comes up and that I probably didn’t expose for myself yet was when I went to see Gabriel Orozco’s major exhibit in the Palacio de Bellas Artes here in Mexico City. I had recently became aware of his work back then which created or I created a great ‘rift’ within me in terms of his photographs, which was another form of comparing the stuff I was just ‘playing around with’ at that time with photography and how he had ‘already done it.’ After watching the entire exhibit that day, I went to the toilet and cried in the bathroom – why? I don’t know it was like a sense of everything I wanted to do is already done so ‘what the hell am I up for?’ That was during my first year of art school. He became this elusive idea of what I wanted to be, really successful and really wanting the kind of recognition that would enable me to share with the world my views and perspectives on life as there’s always been a desire to share with others how I see the world.

I met the guy one day because he went to my school to record some TV program about him, I even approached him as the ‘fan’ that I was and told him how his work had inspired me – but in fact it was more like being able to relate to how he views the world. Then I gave him some of my old tin boxes filled with dried peels of litchis and I asked someone to take a picture of us. Funny but he is certainly like the Mexican art rockstar and I felt even ‘cooler’ because he studied in my school. It all became irrelevant afterwards though.
I see that the pattern that plays out after visiting an art exhibit,  has been an ‘underlying’ experience that I hadn’t been able to pin point for myself then – this is in my mind not wanting to admit that I am comparing ‘my work’ to others and wondering ‘why am I not there on those walls as well?’

Part of my desires within art – as I’ve previously exposed – were that of recognition and so what emerges is really that resonant aspect that I have attached to ‘art.’ This has played out in a constant polarity coming-and-going point because I am well aware of how I made the decision to not participate in that, yet still having such thoughts coming up which is part of the inherent programming I had attached to ‘marlen as the artist’ which is a tag that makes me revolt a bit when I read it, which is just part of the aspects that we expose for ourselves to be able to walk the correction into equalization.

So, through this process I decided to not ‘seek’ such fame anymore, I stopped any effort to seek for places to show my work and focused on walking my own process. I see there has been also this constant ‘projected blame’ on to my own decision to ‘walk/dedicate myself to process and Desteni’ and leaving all things art aside, merely going to school and do what I had to do without giving it any further input into it, which is certainly required if you ‘wanna be someone’ within the art world. Though this blame is certainly only at a thought level because I wouldn’t be able to be standing in front of a canvass for hours every day pretending to be doing something ‘there’ while being absolutely disconnected from the world I live in ‘here’ – which is how I used to be living my life as an artist. It’s cool to see how this is just a thought-based reaction without really taking into consideration what this would mean in reality such as ‘dedicating myself to art full-time’ in terms of creating art in the most traditional ways. We can certainly direct art to be whatever we want it to be in terms of being able to support ourselves. I tend to be an absolutist within my life which is something I have to balance out to give myself proper time for everything and not just renounce to ‘the world’ for the sake of ‘only’ doing something and that’s it.

Going to Museums

There has been a pattern that comes up when ‘visiting museums,’ there is a point that ‘drives’ me to it which I simply haven’t been able to realize ‘why’ I go – It can be to get some sort of ‘inspiration’ which I’ve been calling feedback and simply seeing what is being created in the institutionalized art world; the other one is for the creation of the experiences which I am still ‘seeking’ to get from going to see art – that’s one of the points I can see is something I am not fully admitting because of perceiving that is dishonest- though it’s even more so to keep it secret even for myself.

Back to the Museum point. These two particular photography exhibitions were of Mexican photographers from the first half of the past century and the pattern that emerges when watching some of them is: ‘they’ve done it all already’ or ‘I do similar stuff, why aren’t my pictures on museums?’ or ‘why am I not famous?’ ‘Why haven’t I sold any images yet?’ – well, by this I mean in an actual art market.

Back to the point to debunk here:  I am in front of the image and I think ‘I’ve done stuff like this’ – comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a mental judgment to an image I am viewing and immediately link it to ‘my work’ wherein comparison emerges as a way of being able to ‘equate’ what I do to that which is considered ‘art’ and is inserted in such sphere/ category of ‘importance,’ ‘value’ and ‘admiration’ that I have given and imprinted to images within the context of a museum as ‘consecrated art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder ‘why I am not there?’ which is a reaction that comes after comparing ‘what I do’ to what I see in museums and seeking my own benefit of  ‘being recognized/ admired’ through presenting photographs, just so that ‘I’ in the form of photographs could be looked at equal-to such artists which people have already placed in a pedestal, creating a sphere of respect and recognition around them, which is what I would aspire to get to as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within comparing ‘what I do’ to others is in fact seeking to make myself ‘worthy’ at my own eyes, worthy at the eyes of others and seeking a form of validation through ‘stuff’ that I do which I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a wallowing point while ‘admiring’ someone’s work because I consider that ‘it’s been done, what am I doing then?’ – in this existing as the desire to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ in terms of creating/ taking ‘unique’ pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘value’ and ‘worth’ to something that I can conceive as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within my own value-schemes which is nothing else but a make-believe system that supports no one, that is in fact not real and that cannot be of any support to who I really am as Life here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into memories of people ‘recognizing my work’ back in the day and experiencing it as a ‘consolation’ to my self created defeatism the moment I am staring in front of the photograph, in means of ‘uplifting myself’ when seeing myself ‘diminishing’ me according to this process of comparing ‘my work’ to others’ work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this possession around ‘what I do’ as ‘my work’ and within this creating an entire personality and alternate reality of myself based on ‘what I do’ being ‘my own’ as something that defines me, that values who I am and that gives me some type of ‘self-worth’ which is in fact a creation outside of myself.

I stand in front of a photograph I like for whatever reasons I could find in the moment – light, textures, contrasts, topic which I usually coming from a point where I can ‘relate’ to it –  and what I see is wanting to ‘possess’ the picture, be the owner of it, being able to say ‘I took this’ and be proud of it/ feel good about it. This is really funny when writing it out because we can see it’s all ego bs, but it’s how it exists at the moment, so best to expose it for what it is so that I become aware of what plays out in the back of my head while watching these photographs, masking it/ overshadowing the initial experience and thoughts with ‘amazement’ and ‘profound attention’ which is me just trying to eat the whole thing up and make it ‘my own.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘possess’ and want to ‘own’ that which I believe  is superior to myself, that which I see is ‘better than me’ in order to be able to ‘control’ it and feel ‘equally-cool’ to it within my self-created schemes of value/ worth that are only relevant to myself in my mind and have no direct reference to myself in this reality where a picture is just  a picture and I am just an observer of that picture – end of story.

The point of debunking this entire sentimentalism experienced when ‘looking at art’ has been a point I’ve worked with for quite some time now. I remember talking about being a visual vicious almost at the beginning of my process, which is what I have been deliberately stopping in the sense of making everything ‘more than it is’ within my mind – but I still take photographs and I still run into these thoughts and participate within them. I’m not as obsessed as before, but it’s still playing out whenever I am placing myself in a room where all you have to do is look at videos and photographs and sounds that may accompany them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of ‘despair’ whenever I am done looking at an image that I liked just because of me having wanted to be ‘the one’ that was there, hanging on a wall as a photograph. It’s all ego based certainly but there is also a desire to share and to ‘make others feel what I feel’ which is also personality-based and won’t ever be ‘real’ in terms of all experiences being but a mind creation.

In essence in terms of photographs is just presenting reality to another from a certain perspective, it shouldn’t be any different to anything else like reading, looking at our environment, watching TV or any other thing we do with our eyes = no added ‘value’ or ‘worth’ within that and just take reality for what it is – they can either be supportive or not, it’s not about comparing myself to each word/ image as words just like images and this world in its entirety is just here and we can only use them as tools to express and convey a message without trying to make of the message something ‘profound,’ or seeking to ‘touch the core of the being’ with it which is what I tried to do somehow in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to ‘what I do’ my own desire for recognition and desire to please others wherein I wanted people to experience what I was experiencing within me, I wanted to make others ‘see what I saw/ how I saw it’ for the sake of creating a sense of ‘relationship.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to ‘connect’ with others without realizing I haven’t even gotten to know myself completely which is the primary point of connection/ self-recognition that I actually sought for within beginning an art-career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to ‘connect’ with others without allowing me first to ‘connect with myself’ as the point of self-acceptance and self-revelation wherein I stop seeking others to ‘confirm’ who I am and give ‘value’ to it, but instead I walk the process to get to know myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘freedom’ through creating art in separation of myself instead of realizing that getting to know myself and creating myself is the actual freedom one can give oneself in this lifetime.

When it all began….

Memory pops up – when I began painting, I did a bunch of stuff and would keep it to myself. I created an ‘msn group’ to share them with some friends I had in the internet back then whose opinions ‘mattered’ to me in the sense of them being also into writing or music. I became then more ‘aware’ of the paintings having an impact on others, this is probably the moment where I started making of these drawings and paintings something ‘more’ because they started getting recognition and admiration from others. The moment that I showed it in ‘real life’ to my friends, they would also like it and appreciate it  the same way, which began creating a certain ‘fulfillment’ within me after I had only expressed myself in what I deemed the ‘cheapest way possible’ in a literal sense of what that implies. Yes money is also part of the limitations to create art obviously.

When watching some of the photographs at the museum  – besides the entire inner tantrum of ‘why aren’t my pictures here?/ why am I not recognized?’ there is this desire to want those people to see what I do and probably get equal recognition from them. This is probably why meeting such ‘artist’ I mentioned earlier and giving him the link to my blog seemed like something pertinent to do – lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be recognized by the people that I have deemed as ‘superior’/ ‘good’/ ‘masters’ in what they do so that I could have a ‘space’ next-to-them wherein I see and realize I have been keeping a sense of value and worth upon people wherein I become my own measuring point to ‘become like them,’ but from the ‘seeking fame/ recognition’ perspective to eventually ‘out do them.’

This is my own capitalist mind in the form of ‘innocent values’ attached to images and art creation – fascinating because as much as I could have criticized the exorbitant prices that art-pieces are sold for, I have been giving them just the same type of value and superiority according to my own schemes of what they are worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devaluing or not valuing myself which is the inferiority play out whenever I react and seek ‘recognition’ from what I perceive as ‘great artists’ and ‘great people’ which is another way of wanting to manipulate the world to suit my needs and desires of being recognized.

There is nothing wrong within taking someone as an example – yet the point is being aware of how to stand equal-to that instead of creating an entire comparison point wherein we try to either ‘equate’ ourselves to the person from the ego perspective, to eventually ‘out do’ them or actually supporting ourselves to become more effective in what we do, whatever the action/ doing is about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at art unconditionally from people that are ‘famous’ = recognized by the system, and instead accessing a projected valuing-system wherein I become the measuring point in relation to them wherein I am comparing myself to others’ creations and from there, assessing ‘how good/ bad I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go to museums and watch photographs not from the entire starting point of ‘self enjoyment’ and self-reflection, but as an actual measuring point in terms of ‘where I stand’ in comparison to them.

This brings up a memory of a point that I could identify myself with when watching the movie ‘Pollock’ who was btw the first painter that really got me into wanting to paint. He appears saying one of his ‘famous’ quotes: ‘Fuck Picasso! he’s done it all’ while being drunk as hell. That’s the same I could experience in that moment when reacting emotionally to seeing the work of artists and comparing myself to them.

Funny because I had deemed myself not as an ‘artist’ but as someone that paints, takes photographs, draws and makes some videos for the sake of enjoyment. But when it comes to relating to ‘other artists,’ the self definition comes up and what is existing then is this desire to be  ‘at the same height.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humbleness as a mask to cover up my own desires for recognition – no wonder polarity is such a fuck up really, both poles perpetuate one another.

When watching these photographs and video by Suter other points emerged – besides the ‘I’ve made a video just like that, I have a photo just like that’ points, the money aspect came up. I read all the institutions and sponsors of his work which gives me an idea of how he’s able to print photographs on gesso or use massive copper plates as the media for his photographs. He reminded me of another artist from Colombia which became part of another ‘downfall’ at that time in terms of discovering artists and being ‘profoundly  touched’ by their work- lol whatever that meant at that time which is something along the lines of becoming emotional, I would cry about these type of things like ‘being too sensitive’ for the world  and using photographs as a way to make others see what I saw, wanting to be ‘understood’ without realizing that only mind systems seek for recognition, seek to be understood and ultimately seek to be ‘special’ or ‘different to the rest of the people’ due to such ‘view’ on life.

All about the same personality traits.

So, I’ve opened up the point here which is a superiority/inferiority mechanism that is triggered when comparing myself to others that I deem as ‘good’ at something, this can be extended to virtually everything and it can only be ego based wherein I am judging myself, my expression and what I do and then projecting it in comparison to another’s expression and abilities, which is literally wanting to run a race against ‘air’ itself because it’s all based on mental schemes of what is of value and worth in relation to others. A reverend mindfuck indeed.

Coming back Here

This is something that I had written out last Saturday and left it ‘hanging’ for a while because of perceiving that I had opened up a ‘vast’ point and that it required a major re-cap to continue, which I realized now when I got myself ‘back to it’ that it was all a mind creation of it, just as everything else that I perceive is ‘too much’ and ends up being nothing else but a mere idea of it being ‘too much’ in my mind.

I went to another museum yesterday, this time being more aware of being driven by the general material that has been emerging around this particular exhibit which is what caught my attention. This time I got to see stuff that was challenging the current accepted concepts of identity, economy, society and the general names we’ve given to everything in this world, turning it all into something very obvious to see and become aware of once that you get a proper read of the work – which is something that I still doubt happens in its totality as a form of becoming an educational tool. I see this ‘flaw’ in these type of conceptual works, you require a certain reference and knowledge to be able to ‘get it’ otherwise it remains as an intellectual non-comprehensible joke.

At least this time this exhibition showed more of an overall reflection on the current system we’re living in which is something that must definitely be expanded as a general activity of us human beings living in this current context, starting questioning it to see how we have configured it this way.

This brings us back to the point of self-creation as being our own work of art wherein we redefine art to the actual creation of ourselves as Equals wherein non of this entire value-system mindfuck will be able to exist because it’s all been inherently linked to an entire star-system in the art world wherein only a ‘selected few’ get to be ‘on top of the world’ and getting all the money and recognition while the rest are left outside of the circuit in its entirety.

This entire system we’re living in is based on competition which is linked to the money system in all ways as well, therefore this will become an obsolete aspect once that we are able to live and express regardless of any specific ‘framework’ of reference such as the ‘art world,’ we’ll be able to create and live and use art as a point of self-reference instead of making of it an entire ‘entity’ of ‘our own’ that can be compared and valued when placed against others and go to the extent of ‘valuing’ ourselves according to how it is judged/ perceived by others. Individuality will not be a synonym of specialness, uniqueness as the usual connotations of value/ worth we’ve attached to it, but as an equal-existent expression within its own set of conditions that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ for all individuals, yet equally able to express and create as there will be no limit to this in the form of a savage monetary system that is currently nullifying the ability to express for many beings in this world.

Suggested read: the picture world and self expression
Transforming Art from Mind Occupation to Self Expression
 

Art should be...


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