Tag Archives: self destruction

464.Changing My World View

Or how I stopped feeding a back door/way out or ‘quick fix’ belief in my reality

 

A continuation on:

454. Embracing Living Potentials

 

There’s something interesting that I’ve noticed not only in myself but through and walking with various individuals I also have the opportunity to assist and support, and that is how much of our own way of looking at thing in our reality, our lives changes as we go walking through our minds which means, understanding ourselves better, getting to know the nooks and crannies of ourselves in terms of how we think, why we experience ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations, what motivates us, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to fear, to desire, to procrastinate, to hold on to in various ways… it can be endless to get to know us to the T in all aspects. However the more that I’ve gotten to do this and worked through with myself not only to understand me, but to also directly work on changing these aspects, what tends to change as well is the way that we see the world, see our lives and so the way that we experience ourselves in it all.

I can identify with many people I work with where our minds usually tended to look for the pessimistic, fatalist and all-destructive outcomes as a sort of a desired outcome for humanity, believing that it’s the way to do justice to the Earth and Life and all other sentient beings that are not humans. However as much as this could be an acceptable idea, I also had to acknowledge and recognize the fact that a part of me actually was giving up on myself and on everyone else’s potential to change, which translates the whole point of ‘wanting an Armageddon or ultimate self-destruction’ in wanting the ‘easy way out’ while believing this is only fair to Life, that it’s fair to the animals, that it’s fair to nature etc.

Well, once that I understood my own desire to ‘run away’ from reality and justifying it within these seemingly irrefutable facts above, I stopped advocating such ideas in my head and it wasn’t something easy to stop identifying myself with, because as long as I held to my reasons, justifications and blame toward all of us humans for creating the world system ‘as is’ and causing so much destruction and suffering towards what’s here, I was focusing only on the idea of doing what seems right or fair as a form of vendetta that life could take on us, and me accepting it in a form of apparent martyrdom, lol – but more and more I started realizing that I in fact liked to entertain those thoughts of imminent destructions because in reality, I wanted an easy way out of our responsibility that we all hold and have to what is here as our creation, which is this whole world as is.

How do I see that I’ve been slowly but surely changing this approach is based on how I interact with reality. A daily example is how I watch or read news everyday as I’ve shared before in blogs, and how I continually work on not allowing information ‘get a hold of me’ and so driving myself to feed again that self-destructive or ‘end of the world’ type of desire, which became even a sort of experience at an energetic level where a part of me would be really wishing everything to just go wrong and end ‘asap’.

Here what happens when not entertaining those ‘easy way out through destruction’ thoughts any longer and making peace with the realization that: we are not going anywhere, we are here to build the solutions from the ground up, bit by bit, no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘hard’ it may seem, there is like a point of ‘making peace’ with who I am, with what is here as our reality, with what we’ve become as human beings and so instead of continually being existing in friction and conflict towards ‘us’ as the creators of what is here, ‘building my case’ to kind of ‘prove to life’ that ‘we are not worthy as human beings, that we should be eradicated from the face of the earth ASAP’, I have been instead focusing more on seeing where I can start, where do we have to start as human beings to build sustainable solutions from the ground up, and this starts at a very individual level really, which is why I and many others are focusing on this level of self-awareness and so self-creation along with others to understand how is it that as we all go changing one by one, long lasting external changes will invariably also be created as a result of this individual self-change.

With this I am implying how my way of looking at things changed from destruction to creation. I am more grounded and realistic, more ‘here’ in the sense of embracing and accepting what is existent as ourselves, as this world – not to leave it ‘as is’ of course, but to simply stop continually fighting it in a silent yet continuous mode and I can definitely say that this continuous inner fight projected on the ‘outside’ leads nowhere other than procrastinating the real process of self-change that we can start by and with ourselves first. In short, I stopped ‘blaming’ and instead focused more on starting with changing this very aspect of ‘blaming’ and projecting my own experiences onto ‘the world out there’ – self responsibility first of all.

I find it somehow easier to see reality for what it is, to go stopping the judgments that I would usually entertain and feed within the idea of still building a case as to why we are just ‘lost’ and ‘without a remedy therefore we should just cease to exist’, seeing ourselves – human beings – as a cosmic joke, a mistake that should have never been and it is this kind of experiences of disgust, misanthropy in a way and a deep desire to just ‘end it all’ that would continually cloud my view of reality even in subtle yet ever present ways that would be creating this noise for me to not be able to see the potential in me and so in others in a full and crystal clear manner, because there were these constant back doors within me as seemingly ‘hidden desires’ for a ‘quick fix’ really, a way to just ‘end it all’ and not have to face the actual process of learning to recognize and take responsibility for our creation, to understand what is it that we’ve exactly accepted and allowed and so be willing to self forgive, let go of that past and do the work to actually change ourselves to something that we can live with and stand by for the rest of our existence.

Here it’s clear for me to see that one can have the greatest understanding of things and be agreeing with principles and ideas that represent a better outcome for all life, but I saw myself how as long as I held on to these ‘backdoors’ as ‘way outs’ that I still held as something that ‘makes sense’ that is ‘justifiable’ and is an ‘acceptable’ thing to exist within me, I would still eventually exert those beliefs as experiences and judgments that I would project onto ‘humanity’ out there. It’s interesting because I didn’t create a particular ‘personal fight’ against a particular faction of human beings, but all of them/us ‘en masse’ and so whenever doing that exercise where one can bring up the first word that comes to mind when holding in our minds an image of humanity, all that came up in me was an experience I can encompass as disdain, despair, disappointment, disgust, things that represented that part of myself that was not yet seeing the potential that each one of us hold within ourselves, which is of course yet to be developed.

So, upon walking those judgments that would turn into experiences that I would project towards ‘humanity’, I realized how I was only doing what most of us human beings do: blame, being lame in seeing others as ‘the problem’ for what we are experiencing, which as much as I could have reasons and validations for this experience with me based on the, yes, obvious destruction and enslavement we’ve imposed to all life, I had to also realize that there is really no point in blaming as that only keeps me locked into this fatalist experience, seeing no potentials in other beings – therefore within myself – and at the same time, it becomes a comfort zone to not actually change me, challenge me, my views because I believe that ‘I am right, I am making a point with those desires!’ – but that righteousness is precisely what easily blinds us from understanding where we are in fact still reacting, still blaming  – even in very subtle ways – like in the form of ‘doing justice’ or ‘doing what’s right’ yet still holding such experience within me that came from a starting point of giving up, of not wanting to do the actual work and dedication it will take to sort anything out in this world, starting with ourselves.

Therefore, I find it very relevant to check every time that I see myself getting again into that ‘despondent’ experience within me, where I start again building my ‘web’ or my case for seeing ‘no way out’ for us as human beings, which can be as easily as going into the streets and making a mind-decision to focus more on all the things that are wrong, that are consequential, that are creating problems, all the interactions between people that seem problematic and emotional, all the poverty, all the disregard for one another and go building my case as to why it is futile to stand up for any change because ‘look at humanity! It’s impossible!’ Really?

I’ll dare to say nope, it’s not – because I am living this change myself and I am walking it in a very real time process with people in my life that many others could have probably given up on long ago, which is still a process to walk but every day It assists me in seeing what is possible in real time change, only requiring a directive decision and awareness by each one of us to do so, and it’s quite marvelous and I can say for the first time this is not only me doing it in my own life, but also seeing it first hand in the lives of many that I also have the fortune to be walking with in this process and assisting directly as well in their personal Desteni I Process courses.

So whenever I get to feel ‘despondent’ towards the things out there in the world, whenever I get to feel that way in ‘rough times’ I can now use yesterday’s word and remind myself of Hope as an indication that my experience is letting me know there are new ways to explore to create solutions, there is a need to check within myself where is it that I am giving up and so how can I practically create ways through and solutions to the situation I am in or that I can contribute to in the lives of others.

I can therefore openly say that we are the hope for humanity, for real, because we are actively working individually and together in many parts around the world to start one by one creating and sticking to living this self-change that for many that have come and gone, seemed impossible. I definitely can understand all the reasons of why some decided to not follow through with it, I can understand every weakness that leads oneself to make such decisions because in one way or another, I’ve faced those myself in many ways including intense manners as well. But I am also glad to say that those were supportive challenges for me to continually re-affirm my vow to my life and the life in everything/us all – they have been parts of what I can call ‘the eye of the needle’ tests that I’m sure I’ll have to keep on walking through because this is only what is common sensical to do if we are to stand as individuals that can truly stand one and equal to life in all ways, I would not allow half-ways or dubious selves to be part of it.

This is then a realization and sharing of one of  my most tricky, yet ever present, obstacles that I have been able to ‘crackdown’ within myself in the past few months, and it’s quite a lol as well because it’s that which I had become or ‘lived’ within myself to such an extent that I was not even questioning such ‘nature’ in me as this character or set of patterns that saw ‘no way out’ but still found it important to stick to walking this process, while I was still holding on to a part of my easy-way-out ego that preferred to not see potential so as to not have to do the actual work to unearth it, ‘carve it out’, sculpt it and polish it so to speak, which means to actually develop and create something. In essence, diminishing myself in the belief that I could not ‘keep up with’ or be able to stick through the actual process to do this, but here I am going to challenge and prove that self-belief wrong by doing this for real.

This year is coming to an end and as much as it is funny to see people in social media ‘hating’ 2016, I more like understand where that sentiment is coming from, and as much as I could have joined that same charade in older times, I stand corrected with gratefulness for all the various challenges and changes and definitive decisions I took on this year which were quite a few, all of them having their ‘2 cents’ forcing me to look at deeper within me in order to process stuff, to change, which is great I mean, how else could I have gotten to that if it wasn’t for these challenges in our reality?

So, one thing is certain and that is how I definitely don’t see the world as I used to at the beginning of this year, I am committing myself to keep developing that focus on potential, on what is possible, on what can be worked on, carved out, sculpted and polish in each one of us and it’s truly gratifying to do this, I cannot be more grateful than being able to have the trust and confidence of other people walking this process directly with me as assisting them in walking through this same process in a parallel mode with myself, which is definitely not only a ‘one way’ form of support, it’s absolutely mutual as well. I definitely would like us all human beings to be able to do this for each other, to create relationships of support, care, nurturing each other’s lives and having that starting point of being there for each other, genuinely care to contribute in someone’s life to be better in whichever way we can, that’s what to me life is about, at least my current definition of course, but has certainly become one of my living purposes without a doubt.

Looking back to ‘check ourselves’ is cool and to keep a note on all the points yet to be worked on in the following year.

Thanks for reading aaand

Please give yourself some time to hear this awesome episode of Desteni Radio that definitely inspired and evoked this reflection within me today:

 

Desteni Radio # 10 – Joe Goes Mad Part 2: There is no Quick Fix

 

and a great quote from it:

 

Joe

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:

Advertisements

454. Embracing Living Potentials

(Or how I plan to get rid of the ‘Doomsday character’)

 

Self-Forgiveness on the previous blog I shared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-sabotage whenever I give into the usual known experiences of ‘gloom and doom’ or sticking to seeing only the ‘bad stuff’ or destructive aspects and patterns in everything and everyone wherein I then create an experience of discomfort, not being able to fully embrace a situation, a person, an event or circumstance that represents actual growth, change, expansion, expression and reacting within my mind by  defining it as ‘too positive’ or ‘too good to be true’ ‘not realistic’ when it comes to comparing it to the ‘reality of the world out there’ –  yet at the same time seeing it as a proof of potential, of growth, of self support, of self-creation that I then react to in a physical manner in a form of discomfort, which I translate to a disempowerment of sorts by believing that ‘that is too good to be true’ or ‘it’s not realistic’ or ‘it’s too positive’ and within this, I excuse myself from actually doing the necessary process of change for me to stand one and equal to such potential and possibilities for self-creation and self-expansion.

This happens when I go into my mind to qualify or attach a particular experience to a moment or situation, wherein I have programmed myself to react in a form of limitation as a ‘blockage’ in my experience whenever I perceive or define something as being enjoyable, of happiness, of ‘goodness’ as something constructive or plainly enjoyable or even pleasurable, wherein I then believe that I have to ‘stick to reality’ and not fully embrace it – here defining ‘reality’ as something that is not good, not supportive, of destruction, of sadness, of suffering and in doing this, I go qualifying my experience towards everything in a polarity mode, wherein I feel comfortable and ‘ok’ to remain in the ‘same old’ or ‘usual’ experience of comfort and normalcy associated with things remaining in the current status-quo of generally not being growing, expanding, supportive and oddly enough, I have not been able to establish who do I want to be in the face of all of that which is constructive, of growth and expansion and expression and enjoyment for what it is, wherein I have become so used to immediately tell myself that ‘this is not reality, this is not aligned with the truth and experience of the majority in this world, therefore, I must give up on it, I must not enjoy it, I must not be part of it, I must stick to reminding myself and everyone else about the fuckedupness in this world’ – in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in this desire to make of myself a ‘reminder’ of ‘all things that are wrong in this world’ through creating an experience within me that ‘rejects’ or ‘reacts’ to actual living change – in doing so I recreate and continue to exist as that ‘status-quo’ of not changing, remaining in an ‘unfortunate’ self-experience, denying my self to create myself into something that I would genuinely enjoy being and expressing as me, because of judging it as ‘not being aligned with the rest of everyone’s experience’ –

but here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is a polarity I am holding in my mind, wherein in self honesty, it also becomes a way for me to be comfortable within ‘the same old me’ and not pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, which means I use the knowledge and information and awareness of how ‘the world is at this moment/how people in this world, the majority of them, are experiencing themselves, the animals, the environment in general’ and use this as an excuse, a reason and justification as to WHY I am apparently not able to stand up in a moment, let go of my own bitterness, gloom and doom within myself in the face of seeing potential, seeing evidence of change and self-creation and so instead Stand up as the change, live as the determination, creativity, perseverance and expression that I’d like everyone in this world to exist as, of course in consideration of what is best for all.

I realize that I have been denying myself the experience of growth, expression, creation, expansion within me in my life, even in the smallest details based on using knowledge and information as to why I am supposed to almost be a ‘martyr’ in the name of the rest of the world – but here, it’s just a ‘good face’ to cover up something else in fact. Within that ‘experience’ I am in fact justifying me not changing, not standing up to my own words of that which I would like others to live for themselves, and not just the poor and unfortunate ones, but everyone equally.

Therefore I have to stop living in spite in reality, spite that has been covered up as a notion of ‘I am on the side of the unfortunate ones, I am a martyr for not enjoying the things that others do enjoy and create for themselves in their lives’ and in doing this, actually become spiteful to others that do actually stand up to create the lives and experiences that they want for themselves and stand as their own creation that surely, it is also something that could be very supportive and cool for many more to create and enjoy equally.

It is quite paradoxical that in a supposed attempt to ‘do good’ to others or stand in ‘mourn’ for those unfortunate ones, I believe that denying all the ‘good things’ in life is a way to ‘honor them’ when in fact, I become the very perpetuator of self-limitation, of ‘the system’ itself that we’ve created as our own limitation, as our own enslavement, therefore in no way am I actually standing up ‘for others’ or for anything really, I am only using that awareness as a source of limitation for myself.

Here I also have to realize that based on the current situation of our world system, money system, many things are just not possible to create in equality as in wanting everyone to ‘have the same’ as I do or as I see others can create for themselves, and this is part of our manifested consequences of separation creating inequality and creating differential access to even the basics in this reality. But these are only FACTS, these are the ways in which the world is currently working. Therefore ME creating an Experience about this and reacting to it with anger, sadness, commiseration, misery within myself about it specially in moments where actual living creation and expression exists as a potential, is not being a solution to these problems in the world, is not me standing as the solution of who and what I’d like everyone to exist as and live as in this world, be a genuine and full example of that – but instead, I ‘close up’ and go into this very subtle yet present experience of wanting to stand as a representation of ‘all the bad things’ that are going on in life and be a constant reminder of that toward others, wherein I realize that it’s not about now completely ‘being positive’ all the time and making of it an energetic experience, it is about paving the way for and opening myself up to actually embrace the potential of creation, of life.

I also see that a solution to this whole point is about embracing the reality without a judgment, without qualifying it as positive or negative, but rather assessing it in common sense which means seeing ‘what is best for all’. Because otherwise I trap myself into defining all things related to growth, expansion, expression and enjoyment within a ‘positive experience’ that I then go into opposing with ‘all things negative’ apparently to stand as a ‘balancing point’ to the situation, but in this it’s not really about ‘What I want to remind others about,’ I only end up screwing myself because I don’t get to change the things I want to stand as a ‘reminder of’ for others, in terms of the misery, the suffering, the poverty, the unfortunate experience, and at the same time I don’t get to assist myself to actually learn how to Embrace the potential of self-creation, of growth, expansion, development, enjoyment and the ability to ‘play’ with life which are just that, actions, decisions, outcomes that I then have to assess in common sense if they are genuinely supportive, if they are sustainable, if they are a point of self-expression, if they don’t compromise myself or others in any way – and so instead of going into the polarity of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and me embodying mostly that ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ in the presence of all things I have defined as ‘good’ or ‘positive’ – I rather embrace such potentials, such moments which I actually should be grateful for.

Today I actually dreamed of my partner being this point for me, because I dreamed that we were in two separate rooms in the same house, and I was ‘very busy’ as my ‘usual self’ in my room and he would just knock at the door and start dancing in the hall way and even through the stairs, which in that moment in my dream really assisted me to ‘get out of my seriousness’ for a moment and embrace that laugh, like I Allowed myself to precisely laugh at the moment while being quite glad that he was expressing himself in that way in a moment and sharing it with me. This means that this point of enjoyment I would have usually ‘denied’ this expression of myself in the moment because of considering it as ‘not important’ or ‘too happy for me’ or ‘too superficial’ or whatever, but in ‘waking life’ this is also becoming a point of expression and embracing it as well, which has been cool and a whole nother topic, but relates a bit to transcending some of that usual ‘knee jerk’ reaction to ‘expression’ for example.

I don’t ‘lose face’ for doing so or I don’t become ‘less serious about life’ with it, it’s actually the other way around: the more I want to stick to representing and embodying the ‘nature of the system, the nature of the reality for everyone out there’ as this doom and gloom, the more I create it, accept it and allow it within and so within others and as this reality.

This is quite a revelation for myself because how can I go desiring ‘change’ in this world if I am not fully embracing and standing as the very pillar in all of my being to embrace such change and constructive and expressive outcomes that are possible for all of us if we decide to stand as it as well? It is impossible if I continue to want to in a way sabotage it or maim it or expect it to ‘not work out’ after all – yep, quite the ‘evil’ as reverse of life here – and so it becomes a way to justify ‘my experience’ in the face of change and constructive, expressive, enjoyable moments and I become my very own obstacle, my very own ‘challenging experience’ that is actually not of Life.

 Life is not experiencing itself as ‘emotional’ stuckness, but it finds a way to continue, to grow, to purify, to adapt, to expand, always, even if all around and all the ‘variables’ are against it, the proof is we are still here so that potential is also within ourselves– and that’s what I decide here to stand as and decide to live in every moment as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my addiction to doom and gloom and believing that ‘I was more grounded in reality by embodying or constantly ‘bringing up into my experience’ – notice as an EXPERIENCE – the same or similar things that I actually only can Imagine people out there are going through in an attempt to ‘make a stand for them’ as in making of myself that embodiment, as the ‘one point’ that almost wants to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ as a reminder of ‘how things are not ok in life and in this world’ therefore ‘I cannot just join in the constructive and supportive and expressive side’ and let go of what I have defined as my ‘real side’ – all things related to sadness, suffering, self sabotage, destruction, doom and gloom – which is in fact just a personality trait and experience that I’ve become so used to ‘being in’/existing as.

 In this I realize that all the times I’ve recoiled or criticized people that I have judged or even spited as ‘too happy’ or ‘too expressive’ were actually moments where I could see that there was this inner struggle, inner ‘battle’ to embrace that as me or a potential of myself, which is in fact the change to create and make space for within myself (out of my comfort zone) – therefore, in a way becoming like the character of ‘Wednesday’ (Merlina in spanish) Addams when being around all the happy kids in the camp and standing as that one point and reminder of all things related to the ‘opposite’ the kind of happiness everyone was up to there – lol – which is kind of funny because it relates very much to a personality trait I’ve become and embodied as myself, and that has actually already caused me some health situations before based on this constant ‘mourn’ in a subtle manner that exists based on focusing and reacting to ‘all the bad stuff’ going on in the world and in a way ‘re-enacting’ it within myself whenever I am confronted with something of supportive or what I had defined as ‘positive’ in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of having this ‘undefined undercurrent experience within me that I don’t know what it is’ as apparently something that was ‘beyond my reach to change’, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘this is always going to be with me’ and ‘I cannot change it’ because ‘It’s the nature of my beingness’ wherein even if that is so in terms of how we’ve all programmed ourselves to the core to stand as separation, as all things ‘of the mind’, no matter what, we can still make that constant decision to not ‘follow the mind flow’ or ‘the usual experience’ but instead actually stand as that self-creation point In the moment, and how I see that it will be is making a seemingly ‘small shift’ within myself wherein instead of judging something or someone that is constructive, expressive, playful and showing that potential of what life is and can be, I allow myself to embrace that/them as myself, as something I must physically create space for and embrace within myself, and this is possible once that I do not ‘fill in the gap’ in that moment with the usual ‘me’ that is accustomed to yes seeing the benefit of change, growth, expansion, expression, self-creation and agreeing with it at a Consciousness or Mind level, but at a BEING level, I have not yet been fully ‘in it and as it’ as the totality of who I am.

Therefore this is where I have to become very aware of these subtle moments where this seemingly ‘undefined’ discomfort emerges in me upon witnessing growth, expansion, expression, enjoyment, playfulness and life in its multiple ways and expressions emerging, and so in that moment I can decide to deliberately take a deep breath so as to ‘make space’ for this new me to embrace these potentials that a situation, a person, an environment is presenting to me and that I can decide to be a part of it without judging it as ‘positive’ standing as a counter act to ‘all the negative’ – I have to in this moment let go of my usual ‘equation’ or ‘balancing act’ of me standing as the ‘reminder of all the bad things in the world’ and actually make space and learn how to stand as that ‘embracing of life’ within and as myself.

 

It’s interesting because for the most part what I’ve done in this deliberate decision to do supportive things for myself and others is that yes, it has felt as very unnatural, but I also realize how this seemingly experience of ‘going against the flow’ also has to do with a resistance to change, to put it bluntly and simply really, because only a resistance persists in a particular ‘inertia’ state and not being fully willing to change or making it ‘difficult’ but in my case, it is definitely a matter of a decision to do so.

Yes, it might probably feel like I am entirely going ‘against my grain and core’ but I have to remind myself that if this is the nature of my beingness as ‘evil’ as the reverse of life that isn’t able to embrace life and all of its potential as me, as a possibility and reality for me; then how can I in any way continue ‘advocating for change’ or be ‘promoting change’ or ‘expect the world to change’ if I am not ENTIRELY to the core of my being living, embodying and existing as that very life within myself.

Here, I have to treat this the same way as I have treated any other addiction really, because it’s a comfort zone, it becomes a justification to all things that we believe ‘are not up for us to change or challenges as who we are’ when in fact, I can see the obviousness of how if there’s anything that I am reacting to or subtly creating a discomfort about a point of expansion, of potential, of life, change and growth, I must stand fully as my awareness of this particular pattern of addiction to pessimism and doom and gloom and ‘things not changing’ and ‘remembering the suffering of everyone else in the world’ and realize that it is completely Futile/useless for me to turn those facts into a personal experience as an emotion within me, that I am in fact Not changing myself and not working/standing/applying myself to be the change in itself even to the core of my being, which practically means ‘not just agreeing with words’ but make that actual shift at core level of the nature of myself that I want to live by and express as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor life in this blatant way, by holding on to my ‘preferred’ states of being with subtle rejoicing at all things destructive and of the mind which are in no way an actual demonstration of me being an example of ‘living life’ but more like continuing the trend of our entire existence of self-sabotage and comfort in self destruction, seeking change ‘out there’ instead of focusing to the detail of myself here, which is where I can empower myself as change.

 

I’ve realized through all the supportive interviews at Eqafe.com that there’s a very simple way to ground these seemingly ‘undefined’ experiences into a solution by directly asking myself: “what am I hiding, covering up, justifying, excusing and validating with ‘my experience’? or “What am I NOT wanting to take responsibility for in my life, in my experience that stands as a form of spite in the face of life?”

Is all of this something that is pretty to face and acknowledge exists within oneself? Nope, and I could go into shame as to ‘how the hell have I allowed this to exist within me!?’ and into blame and feeling bad about it, lol – that would only catapult myself back to where I was before opening up this whole point so, that’s how judging one’s actions is a double-layer fuck-up that can be short-circuited by deciding NOT to judge what we’ve lived and become, and instead just Directly and straight-forward go to the solutions, to the decisions of changes to be made, to the actual practicing and embodying of the change that I have paid lip-service for, but that I had not actually fully embraced to the core of my being as a potential yet to develop and create, and nurture within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question my almost hatred and disdain towards that one aspect that my grandmother represented for me as the person that will always ‘feel bad’ about herself and only think about being sick and ill and even in the face of getting all the attention and support, sticking to complaining and making a big fuzz about things and almost like becoming addicted to conflict and fighting for her limitations, constant complain in most interactions I had with her and to judge her for that instead of first realizing that there is also a reason why she was like that.

So once that I looked and got to know of her entire life some of this made sense, but then I could also see how she literally abandoned herself, her life, her body, killing herself even if consciously ‘wanting to live’ and taking her meds, because her actions towards her body, her thoughts, her very relationships were not entirely that of actually wanting to stand as life, but more like the contrary. Here I have to forgive myself for judging my grandmother as this person that everyone in my family got to know I had a ‘conflictive’ relationship with, which also reflected how I wasn’t willing or even aware of taking such points that I disliked about her personality and her mind, and take them back to myself to see how I am living and embodying those same points within myself.

Of course when doing this, it’s not going to be ‘the exact same things’ she used to be and stand as, but I can read the pattern in terms of how I subtly‘cannot stand’  to see progress and development even if through my words and voice I can agree with it and support it, but I haven’t yet made the actual ‘space’ so to speak to truly embrace this as myself as an actual potential/possibility that exists for me, as myself, and for others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out the obvious points when it comes to investigating how I relate to and have judged some members in my family for showing certain traits that I’ve defined as plain horrible such as how it seems that anyone’s well being or good fortune creates a discomfort in them, and how I could ‘not make sense of it’ because of how I could not fathom – apparently – that someone could feel that way in the face of potential and support and  growth/expansion! – yet I have done the exact same thing yet not seeing it for what it actually is, but suppressing it interestingly enough as this nature of ‘how I am’ and not questioning it.

So, the devil is in the detail as in I have thought that as long as I deliberately utter words that are supportive and geared to create solutions, I was being the solution – but this is more of a physical experience that I am now aware of is there as an undercurrent/underlying presence that I had not challenged/question to the core within myself, therefore this is more of a physical embracing of life itself, not only at a knowledge and information level, but as a … how to explain it? A making of space and so a deliberate stand to embrace such potential, growth, expansion, awareness, change, development, expression, self-creation.

I’ve seen how many of us that are ‘too concerned’ about the world out there actually become this very ‘problem’ ourselves where we focus too damned much in the ‘outside’ that we forget to look at the very details of how, where and why we are creating this very same problem or recreation of friction and conflict within ourselves in our minds, thoughts, experiences and we don’t even question it or notice it and that’s a huge problem, because then we will recreate our addiction to only seeing the problems, to the hidden and covert ‘blame’ towards whatever or whoever or the system itself for why things not change, instead of realizing change as myself at this very core, not only in thought, word and deed or ‘good intentions’, because I’ve thought I was doing it, but this is also a BEING decision, a who I am and how I relate to or decide to express myself In the face of seeing/witnessing/standing in front of and in the midst of potential, growth, expansion, change, development, support, enjoyment and all of that which I have denied within myself as a potential of myself.

I can see that in both of my family lines, the constant experience was that of suffering, of pain, of dread, of depression, of inferiority, of melancholy and the rest of it, so, this is something that had become so ‘natural’ to me that I had not questioned it yet I can see this almost ‘addiction’ to misery of sorts, very weird! Yes but not to judge it any further though, but to understand it as just another way in which we function in our minds – some people are geared to the ‘happy’ and ‘all things positive’ in their minds, and some others are the opposite and I happened to be geared more in the ‘opposite’ so, I am just part of that polarity that divides ourselves in experiences instead of rather being able to embrace potential as life, undefined of ‘charges’.

I realize that it has been a very sneaky and subtle way for me to actually disempower myself when it comes to embracing possibilities of change, wherein a form of pessimism or negativity or ‘sticking to the reality of the majority’ becomes a comfort zone as well, wherein I use that as a reason and excuse of why I cannot embrace that change, expansion, possibility, creativity, expression within myself. And this is exactly the kind of personality I have embodied for most of my life.

Who I am within using ‘the facts’ as the reality of what is here in this world as an excuse of why I cannot embrace that potential of expansion, growth, expression, enjoyment as myself? I am avoiding responsibility to change myself, I am abdicating my own ability and going into a disempowerment which becomes also a comfort zone as to ‘why I cannot do anything to change the WHOOOLE world and system out there’ therefore, I remain in this sense of ‘stuckness’ to not take the point absolutely back to myself and see how I am still reacting and accepting this experience as ‘unchangeable’ within me, even in the most subtle/tiny experiences and situations when in fact, if there is one place where I can in fact stand fully as the change, is within myself.

So I essentially have to stop using the world, the ‘state of affairs’ of how things currently are as an excuse, reason and justification of why I cannot embrace actual and genuine change as in embracing and so giving creation to what exists as a potential of growth, development, expansion, self-creation and self-expression, wherein it has become easier for me to agree to it ‘at a mind level’ but not yet fully embrace it as the new nature of my being that I decide to live by – which is a great, great difference.

In my sneaky mind I validated this experience as something ‘true’ to myself, I even saw it as a way of being ‘compassionate’ to others maybe, a way to ‘care for others’ but this exists only as a moral facade really, as a ‘caring for others’ at a personality level, because as long as I don’t care entirely to change this very mechanism of spitefulness within me, how can I dare to say ‘I care for others and change in the world?’ I Cannot, because the very reaction that I am presenting to such actual change and possibilities is that of the reverse of embracing it, and that cannot continue being so in my being.

And this is something that I know for a fact is not only existent ‘in me’: our very nature at a mind and beingness level is that of containing some form of self-destruction, to keep ourselves controlled and in the comfortable illusion of disempowerment.

It is in that comfortable illusion of ‘being disempowered’ that we become the very embodiment of the systems that we are trying to apparently ‘change’ out there… this is so essential to understand really, it can potentially define the entire starting point that anyone can have toward creating ‘change’ in fact, and that’s how I’ve explained in past blogs that I no longer seek the change ‘out there’ but rather focus on the very necessary and indispensable change within each one of us, and it begins with these subtle changes that might take some attention and focus to become aware of, but one simply knows when there’s something ‘coming up’ as an experience in ourselves and that’s already a reaction, might not be a set of thoughts but subtle physical experiences, and that is IT.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this seemingly underlying experience within me that emerges every time there’s a witnessing or awareness on constructive, self supportive, developments, growth, self-creation and all things that are actually supportive wherein I would have a ‘discomfort’ within me, very subtle – yet brushed it aside every time, hoping it would ‘change’ itself, but I had not realized that it’s not so much me rationalizing ‘change’ but also at a being level making a decision to embrace these potentials as the life that exists within me, as the examples others are presenting of this and rather be grateful that I am seeing this now, rather than ‘later on’ or ‘never’ and continuing ‘tolerating’ my mind as this subtle physical experience.

 I realize that my affinity with doom and gloom is a way of keeping myself in a personality trait that even if I can in common sense I’ve seen the benefits of learning to live in a supportive manner, at a very deep/being level I wasn’t making that whole decision for myself entirely, but more at a knowledge and information level, more of a ‘moral’ stand point if you will instead of making the actual space to embrace and so develop such potentials to then focus on creating them as myself, as what I have yet to create as myself which sure, I have no ‘scheme’ or ‘predefined’ sets for, but I have seen glimpses of my potential and expression and abilities and skills, so I can continue developing those further and continuing learning from others, embracing them as examples I can learn from, which are other human beings in this same process that I learn a lot from, which is remarkable to say the  least and demonstrates the possibility of this at a humanity level.

This is a one point I ‘brushed off’ aside for so long I see, and all I can say is that this will be quite the challenge for me based on the subtle yet very noticeable change to be made here… I shall report back in time how I go bringing it into creation, into application in real time which is what this process is all about. Here I only suggest to be aware of points like these because it might get to a point where it’s not necessarily a set of thoughts popping into one’s head, but a very, very subtle physical reaction that one knows ‘it’s there’ and one has to then open it up to see it for what it is, to understand the pattern when it emerges and so see deeper into it.

That’s it for now, thanks for reading

 

Suggested recordings for the day:

 

 

Merlina Addams

 

LOL!

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:


453. Raining Down on Everyone’s Parade

 

I had a very revealing dream to myself this night and it’s interesting because I had a brief episode of sickness yesterday and slept quite a long time and I remember seeing this one dream closer to the time of waking up. Anyways what this dream reveals to myself, to the T, is that one aspect of myself that I have seen exists in me in a very almost self-sabotaging manner when it comes to embracing the ‘good stuff’ in life. Throughout these years I’ve shared how I have had a tendency to be comfortable in all things gloom and doom. That’s just how some of us have wired ourselves wherein instead of seeking comfort in the positive and nice fluffy things, we create a comfort in seeing everything wrong, incapable of changing, in a way yes existing in defeatism and seeing ‘no way out’, which I’ve come to understand is a way of yes giving up and not doing the actual work it entails to get things working out, to create something, to move on, to develop, to persevere with what we see in common sense is best for all and so ourselves.

Some of the most obvious aspects of this tendency to remaining in ‘all things gloom and doom’ I have been able to be deliberately changing and you know what, that has been one difficult thing for me to do, because it involves deliberately sticking to see the potential in everything, to deliberately create ways to establish solutions, to deliberately push through something until completion and not giving up on me or others, or life itself.

What emerged in the dream though is something that I had not entirely been able to pin-point even though I’ve been ‘in it’ for I’d say my whole life. How to define this experience in me? How I’ve experienced it and it became this very puzzling sensation in me is how even while being in the most supportive environments on earth, I could not entirely embrace that which I perceived as happiness or wellbeing or enjoyment around me, I FELT that it was quite a fake thing to embrace that expression and potential in me because of thinking/going into my mind and assessing: “hey look at the world, this is not a happy go lucky place, people, animals, life is suffering, what the hell am I doing here just trying to ‘be happy’ and joyful?” This is really not a nice experience because it’s like you can see others genuinely expressing themselves and being enjoying things but I just couldn’t, because of this ‘thorn’ like experience that I had wherein even if at a logical level it made sense and it was cool, there was this something in my experience that would just not embrace it.

This is exactly that one little stingy thing that has been ‘here as myself’ for so long and I hadn’t been able to point it out before, because it’s constantly there, it’s underlying most of the time in my every moment and interaction and how I spot it is how one kind of rejoices when things are going wrong in a way, when more gloom and doom exists and how I get into this very ‘uncomfortable’ experience when seeing growth, development, expansion, potentials, wellbeing… I know, it is even a bit shameful to say so because I have been deliberately advocating for that wellbeing, but I most of the times kept only those that are mostly currently disenfranchised to be given that wellbeing, I have not been entirely including myself in that wellbeing to be honest, I have desired it for others that are having a real bad time on Earth and that’s it. In a way, secretly desiring that the rest of us rather get ‘lemons in life’ for the assholes we’ve been to everyone else that we’ve left behind. Yes, this is a vengeance construct that includes me as the one that shouldn’t be able to ‘enjoy’ anything in life because of who we’ve been and what we’ve created. Yes, this can also be more like a form of punishment, but I here also realize that it doesn’t work as a ‘learning lesson’ if I genuinely wanted to change me and others, we’ve had tons of consequence in this world and we haven’t yet ‘had enough’ of it it seems. So, my logic is all wrong in this case.

But here, what I just wrote above is how we go making up excuses and pointing others as the cause and masking ‘good causes’ with a deep desire for things going wrong in a way, a part of myself has existed as that where whenever there’s any opportunity to ‘plan’ or ‘project’ very cool stuff for others in this world, I just can’t, I blank out, I cannot see further and find it even as too much of an ‘illusion’ to go into such kind of ideas or potentials, and that’s why I have focused on what’s here in the moment, the day to work with but still find it difficult to have this ‘blank slate’ and paint my perfect picture even if I could, even if the world was in that ready-for-creation state… and this as I see it can only mean that I don’t know yet, because I haven’t created it yet and I have to stop seeing it as this very evil/bad thing of myself to freeze out in all things good and potential and not being able to kind of ‘compute’ to it or embrace it, because I haven’t been doing that for myself yet, I haven’t let go of this other ‘vein’ that runs through me that wants to keep everything in a fucked-up status-quo. Yes, not the best thing to say or consider isn’t it? But I have also seen that even if we don’t want to admit this to ourselves, this is how we are wired in our minds for the most part when we are not self-directive, we drive ourselves to an inherent self-sabotage because we actually don’t want to do the work, the effort, the discipline, the changes required to truly embrace and nurture that potential in ourselves… in a way, we want to keep ourselves as addicts of the bad life, in whichever way or form it exists for each one of us.

Is this sad and shameful to realize? Yes it is for myself, absolutely, I was ashamed the moment that I realized in my dream how I was attempting to deliberately ‘bring others down with me’ because of my experience, instead of being the one that steps up to change myself, my experience in that moment and let go of my self-definitions and limitations.

If anything this is what I can define as the ‘evil’ inside me, that can’t rejoice in all things constructive and positive and expansive and supportive, but always awaits to see something going down again, to eventually want it to be broken, to be ‘in the same old’ misery, which is also where it is very much a weird thing for me to say, and this is a part of me that exists in me, that I have been deliberately changing and correcting throughout the years, yet it is still unexplainable if it will ever go away as this underlying experience in me, as the real nature of me that I will have to continually manage and override with a deliberate constant creation of the me that I would be in common sense willing to live and express as myself.

See, why I say the words deliberately creating and considering common sense, because if I didn’t, I would still ‘rather prefer’ – me as the mind – to have things not changing, to stay in a ‘comfort zone’ of self sabotage, of not growing, not expanding, not looking into the future in seeing the potential of what I’d like to be and create – and these are still points I have to look at deeply within me, how even if I am advocating for principled living and doing what’s best, it is something I deliberately do, it’s not natural, I don’t precisely feel ‘comfortable’ doing so all the time and still there are these moments where there’s a part of me that recoils at the notion of something growing, expanding, being happy, cringing at success so to speak…. And I get the image of my grandmother with this, and some other people in my life that I had seen tend to have the same set-up and this is where I realize: I want to stop the cycle of limitation, of pity, of misery, of recoiling at someone else’s thriving experience and here I see how this can be a generational thing as well that we mask with ‘fake gladness’ towards others, yet in the inside it’s like we cannot stand someone’s happiness or wellbeing and thriving… and this is in all cases my definition of that evil that exists in me.

 

 

So yesterday I was chatting with my buddy and I mentioned this point of how there was this interview that was published on Eqafe.com that I absolutely ‘resonated’ with in terms of wanting to get all of the ‘secret stuff’ out in the open to finally see it and acknowledge it, its name is the Consequence of Suppression. And I did tell her in a rhetorical self-questioning, that ‘I’d like to know for myself what those ‘deep secrets’ are’, because there are some say rather ‘meaningless’ stuff that I’ve worked with before in terms of ‘secrets’, but somehow I wasn’t seeing This very point I’ll explain here. So it’s like I made the question and I got a partial answer to it through this dream, which I am quite grateful for.

In this dream I was at my grandmother’s house…. I never liked going there, I didn’t have a good relationship with her either because…. lol! She represented exactly – most likely – this pattern that I am about to explain, so the fact that I was there with my partner and some in my family already was like an interesting set up because I had not dreamed of that house in a long time, even though I didn’t see her there either, she’s dead too. I was told by my mother how we would only make a ‘stop’ there in the house for a short period of time, we were on our way somewhere else, which is why I was ‘ok’ with being there – noticing here already the conditioning aspect. This ‘conditionality’ aspect means to have others do what I say or want based on my preferences, which is one hell of a controlling mechanism that I have imposed onto others around me, big time. Meaning if they said ‘we will be there for a short time’ that should be IT and if other contingencies happen, “I’m sorry, you said this: we must leave now” type of thing.

As we were sitting in the living room, a bunch of unknown species of insects and animals would start flying around and running around, for the most part I would be usually scared of this, but this time I ‘breathed through it’ in the dream, which was interesting even though a part of me just wanted to zap them and get the hell out of there. After that I’d see more people arriving to the house, people I haven’t seen in some years which created some discomfort in me as well, which is revealing too. And the people that were gathering in that same living room had some kids that started running around and in general they were like these ‘good people’ that were happy and enjoying themselves in the moment.

What started happening is that I started just wanting to leave the situation and get away from it all, because it is like the situation was just ‘too perfect’ for ‘me’ as my mind and my experience that almost gets into a discomfort when things are going ‘too well’ in certain situations… yes as weird as it sounds. How I’ve defined it in my mind is that ‘this is too fake, this is too good to be true, I’m out of here’ And in that moment I was expecting my partner to be in that ‘same experience’ but! Nope, actually I’d find him carrying a baby  and playing with the kids and I’d see how he was quite stable and content with it all, so I knew that I would be a real b. if I’d go and tell him to leave them and come away with me and my misery. Some people around me kept trying to interact with me and in a way to make me stay there, but what I saw is how there was a part of me that wanted everyone to just start feeling miserable, bad, negative, to ‘drop the show’ as I perceived it. I wasn’t interested in ‘joining them’ so to speak, no matter how constructive their talks and doings were in that moment.

Then someone else – a male – would take me aside into a different room, a different setting and would simply ask ‘what’s up’? I recognize that question from someone in my life that assisted me a lot to genuinely look inside me and be honest about my experience, so then I would start complaining and half-crying almost like a little kid, all about how ‘everyone was just so happy and well’ and how I wanted everyone to instead consider ME my experience that was uncomfortable in that situation, I wanted everyone to ‘drop their show’ to focus on how I wasn’t doing well, I wanted to stop ‘their good time’ in order to focus on my ‘bad time’ and this is one hell of a pattern in fact.

It reminded me as well of the times when I would throw tantrums as a child for something I perceived my parents forgot to do for me or give me or be there for me, and so whenever they would start apologizing and even giving some stuff to me as a way to redeem themselves, I would throw it all back at them, I would kick and scream and cry and become just really, really irate at the situation. I have explained this before as well and my ‘happiness point’ in that situation was to have them feel like shit for ‘doing this/that to me’ and be terribly sorry and just be at the same level of woe that I was in and ask for forgiveness and stuff like that. So what I wanted in that reunion situation is others to ‘notice me’ and how I feel really bad and almost want to push them to ‘blame themselves’ for ‘making Me feel a certain way.’ Which is what transpired in that situation developing at my grandmother’s home and only when I woke up I kind of pondered how come I hadn’t seen my grandmother there, and saw the obviousness of it… I was embodying that one aspect of her that I completely hated about her, which is related to how even if she had all of her kids with her assisting her, checking up on her constantly, giving her all the money she needed, she would still complain and drown herself into a pity party that was very difficult to get her out of, if not, at all.

So I haven’t actually walked this point for myself, how this aversion I had toward my grandmother is not a childish thing that I created toward her and believing that I am right on that assessment, because sure I have now been able to understand more of her life context and experiences to understand why she was who she was and behaved the way she did. But in me, this almost self-sabotaging experience of wanting to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ and have everyone else become equally miserable to My experience… man, that is fucked up to say the least and the ‘frightening’ thing is how this is an underlying experience in me that I hadn’t been able to actually see with clarity.

There had always been this one ‘thing’ as a ‘stuck thorn’ experience that would come up whenever I see anything ‘blooming’ and ‘in happiness’ and in any form of growth, development, expansion… in a deliberate manner I push myself to see the benefits, to see how cool it is that this/that is growing, expanding, enjoying, being just ‘fine’ with themselves and in a situation or environment. Yet me in my experience, like it was in the dream, even if the environment could have been genuinely interesting, comfortable and even inviting for me, I held on to this one bubble of anger, discomfort, resentment point that I was piling up based on how ‘I had been told this was going to be a 5 minute thing, now we seem to be stuck here’ and in a way refusing to ‘give in’ and ‘let go’ of my control aspect, but at the same time almost like wishing and desiring that others could notice how unhappy I was, and have everyone else around me notice that I just wasn’t ‘ok’ as them and so be able to stop their experiences and ‘join me in misery’.

Upon sharing this out loud to my partner I see that this has been that one ‘thorn’ that I’ve experienced basically everywhere and in everything where it seems I cannot genuinely enjoy something, that I cannot fully embrace something that is entirely supportive. And here it is not a point of deserving or anything like that… it is just this constant if I can call it ‘evil’ as a reverse of life really because it creates  a comfort in anything that is not yet ‘there’ in an utmost potential of my own self experience and that of others and everything around me… and how I have assessed it through my mind is that ‘it feels fake, too good to be true, that’s just not how life is’ and in this underlying experience, almost always expecting things to keep going wrong, to keep struggling even though I myself in my directive self and the self that I am deliberately creating for me is well aware of how detrimental is for us to keep ‘falling’ on the same crap, really. Yet I see that there is still this part of me, very suppressed, very ingrained, very underlying but still constantly there where I just can’t seem to be able to enjoy myself fully and completely, I just can’t seem myself to even push myself to envision/visualize myself having ‘all that I need’ in a way that I guess many people can constantly dream of as their ‘perfect lives…’ I don’t have that and I see that as much as I have had moments of genuine enjoyment, there are some ‘wirings’ in me that tell me how that is not real, that is just a passing situation, that is not the reality of life on earth and so kind of eventually suppressing it in a way to keep within this ‘stuckness’ comfort of almost being in this ‘ever-developing’ phase where I can’t seem to fully breakthrough to constructive and supportive stuff, because of how I’ve Defined it as ‘unreal’ as ‘fake’ as ‘not true’ and ‘not congruent’ to the rest of life on Earth.

Though in common sense, why would I want others to be constantly miserable as a way to realize what we’ve done to ourselves and so what needs to be changed? It is not necessary, if anything that stage of being at our ‘very dark bottom of the pit’ is nothing else but a stage from which we have to eventually step out of.  And this is where I know I deliberately place these words because they make sense and it’s the kind of expression I want – as in self-corrected me – to continue nurturing and growing in myself, but if I wrote here as the me that has always been here as ‘my real nature’ so to speak… I would not be bothering, at all.

Therefore how I use the word deliberate as a guiding point for me, realizing I am doing this willingly and deliberately and how it doesn’t come easy because it feels so unnatural, so ‘not me’ but this is precisely the part of me that I consider we all have and that we have to in a way starve to death, we don’t have to feed it anymore and so instead grow, nurture our other aspect of ourselves, that little bit where potential exists, where thriving exists.

And this is also that came up as well when I was recording this hangout of Black Mirror’s season 3, episode Nosedive and this might even be actually a very supportive thing for me to learn to see how others related to the same episode and so use it to reflect a lot more back into myself as to why I became what I became before and so here how to continually and deliberately expand into creating the self that I see is most supportive and constructive for myself and others in equality. We all have that potential, we have to make a deliberate decision to see what do we want to keep supportive within ourselves? The evil, the constructive and supportive or ‘good’ for a lack of better word?  Up to me.

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:

 

Photo of my niece by me, hope she doesn’t mind!


%d bloggers like this: