(Or how I plan to get rid of the ‘Doomsday character’)
Self-Forgiveness on the previous blog I shared
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-sabotage whenever I give into the usual known experiences of ‘gloom and doom’ or sticking to seeing only the ‘bad stuff’ or destructive aspects and patterns in everything and everyone wherein I then create an experience of discomfort, not being able to fully embrace a situation, a person, an event or circumstance that represents actual growth, change, expansion, expression and reacting within my mind by defining it as ‘too positive’ or ‘too good to be true’ ‘not realistic’ when it comes to comparing it to the ‘reality of the world out there’ – yet at the same time seeing it as a proof of potential, of growth, of self support, of self-creation that I then react to in a physical manner in a form of discomfort, which I translate to a disempowerment of sorts by believing that ‘that is too good to be true’ or ‘it’s not realistic’ or ‘it’s too positive’ and within this, I excuse myself from actually doing the necessary process of change for me to stand one and equal to such potential and possibilities for self-creation and self-expansion.
This happens when I go into my mind to qualify or attach a particular experience to a moment or situation, wherein I have programmed myself to react in a form of limitation as a ‘blockage’ in my experience whenever I perceive or define something as being enjoyable, of happiness, of ‘goodness’ as something constructive or plainly enjoyable or even pleasurable, wherein I then believe that I have to ‘stick to reality’ and not fully embrace it – here defining ‘reality’ as something that is not good, not supportive, of destruction, of sadness, of suffering and in doing this, I go qualifying my experience towards everything in a polarity mode, wherein I feel comfortable and ‘ok’ to remain in the ‘same old’ or ‘usual’ experience of comfort and normalcy associated with things remaining in the current status-quo of generally not being growing, expanding, supportive and oddly enough, I have not been able to establish who do I want to be in the face of all of that which is constructive, of growth and expansion and expression and enjoyment for what it is, wherein I have become so used to immediately tell myself that ‘this is not reality, this is not aligned with the truth and experience of the majority in this world, therefore, I must give up on it, I must not enjoy it, I must not be part of it, I must stick to reminding myself and everyone else about the fuckedupness in this world’ – in this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in this desire to make of myself a ‘reminder’ of ‘all things that are wrong in this world’ through creating an experience within me that ‘rejects’ or ‘reacts’ to actual living change – in doing so I recreate and continue to exist as that ‘status-quo’ of not changing, remaining in an ‘unfortunate’ self-experience, denying my self to create myself into something that I would genuinely enjoy being and expressing as me, because of judging it as ‘not being aligned with the rest of everyone’s experience’ –
but here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is a polarity I am holding in my mind, wherein in self honesty, it also becomes a way for me to be comfortable within ‘the same old me’ and not pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, which means I use the knowledge and information and awareness of how ‘the world is at this moment/how people in this world, the majority of them, are experiencing themselves, the animals, the environment in general’ and use this as an excuse, a reason and justification as to WHY I am apparently not able to stand up in a moment, let go of my own bitterness, gloom and doom within myself in the face of seeing potential, seeing evidence of change and self-creation and so instead Stand up as the change, live as the determination, creativity, perseverance and expression that I’d like everyone in this world to exist as, of course in consideration of what is best for all.
I realize that I have been denying myself the experience of growth, expression, creation, expansion within me in my life, even in the smallest details based on using knowledge and information as to why I am supposed to almost be a ‘martyr’ in the name of the rest of the world – but here, it’s just a ‘good face’ to cover up something else in fact. Within that ‘experience’ I am in fact justifying me not changing, not standing up to my own words of that which I would like others to live for themselves, and not just the poor and unfortunate ones, but everyone equally.
Therefore I have to stop living in spite in reality, spite that has been covered up as a notion of ‘I am on the side of the unfortunate ones, I am a martyr for not enjoying the things that others do enjoy and create for themselves in their lives’ and in doing this, actually become spiteful to others that do actually stand up to create the lives and experiences that they want for themselves and stand as their own creation that surely, it is also something that could be very supportive and cool for many more to create and enjoy equally.
It is quite paradoxical that in a supposed attempt to ‘do good’ to others or stand in ‘mourn’ for those unfortunate ones, I believe that denying all the ‘good things’ in life is a way to ‘honor them’ when in fact, I become the very perpetuator of self-limitation, of ‘the system’ itself that we’ve created as our own limitation, as our own enslavement, therefore in no way am I actually standing up ‘for others’ or for anything really, I am only using that awareness as a source of limitation for myself.
Here I also have to realize that based on the current situation of our world system, money system, many things are just not possible to create in equality as in wanting everyone to ‘have the same’ as I do or as I see others can create for themselves, and this is part of our manifested consequences of separation creating inequality and creating differential access to even the basics in this reality. But these are only FACTS, these are the ways in which the world is currently working. Therefore ME creating an Experience about this and reacting to it with anger, sadness, commiseration, misery within myself about it specially in moments where actual living creation and expression exists as a potential, is not being a solution to these problems in the world, is not me standing as the solution of who and what I’d like everyone to exist as and live as in this world, be a genuine and full example of that – but instead, I ‘close up’ and go into this very subtle yet present experience of wanting to stand as a representation of ‘all the bad things’ that are going on in life and be a constant reminder of that toward others, wherein I realize that it’s not about now completely ‘being positive’ all the time and making of it an energetic experience, it is about paving the way for and opening myself up to actually embrace the potential of creation, of life.
I also see that a solution to this whole point is about embracing the reality without a judgment, without qualifying it as positive or negative, but rather assessing it in common sense which means seeing ‘what is best for all’. Because otherwise I trap myself into defining all things related to growth, expansion, expression and enjoyment within a ‘positive experience’ that I then go into opposing with ‘all things negative’ apparently to stand as a ‘balancing point’ to the situation, but in this it’s not really about ‘What I want to remind others about,’ I only end up screwing myself because I don’t get to change the things I want to stand as a ‘reminder of’ for others, in terms of the misery, the suffering, the poverty, the unfortunate experience, and at the same time I don’t get to assist myself to actually learn how to Embrace the potential of self-creation, of growth, expansion, development, enjoyment and the ability to ‘play’ with life which are just that, actions, decisions, outcomes that I then have to assess in common sense if they are genuinely supportive, if they are sustainable, if they are a point of self-expression, if they don’t compromise myself or others in any way – and so instead of going into the polarity of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and me embodying mostly that ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ in the presence of all things I have defined as ‘good’ or ‘positive’ – I rather embrace such potentials, such moments which I actually should be grateful for.
Today I actually dreamed of my partner being this point for me, because I dreamed that we were in two separate rooms in the same house, and I was ‘very busy’ as my ‘usual self’ in my room and he would just knock at the door and start dancing in the hall way and even through the stairs, which in that moment in my dream really assisted me to ‘get out of my seriousness’ for a moment and embrace that laugh, like I Allowed myself to precisely laugh at the moment while being quite glad that he was expressing himself in that way in a moment and sharing it with me. This means that this point of enjoyment I would have usually ‘denied’ this expression of myself in the moment because of considering it as ‘not important’ or ‘too happy for me’ or ‘too superficial’ or whatever, but in ‘waking life’ this is also becoming a point of expression and embracing it as well, which has been cool and a whole nother topic, but relates a bit to transcending some of that usual ‘knee jerk’ reaction to ‘expression’ for example.
I don’t ‘lose face’ for doing so or I don’t become ‘less serious about life’ with it, it’s actually the other way around: the more I want to stick to representing and embodying the ‘nature of the system, the nature of the reality for everyone out there’ as this doom and gloom, the more I create it, accept it and allow it within and so within others and as this reality.
This is quite a revelation for myself because how can I go desiring ‘change’ in this world if I am not fully embracing and standing as the very pillar in all of my being to embrace such change and constructive and expressive outcomes that are possible for all of us if we decide to stand as it as well? It is impossible if I continue to want to in a way sabotage it or maim it or expect it to ‘not work out’ after all – yep, quite the ‘evil’ as reverse of life here – and so it becomes a way to justify ‘my experience’ in the face of change and constructive, expressive, enjoyable moments and I become my very own obstacle, my very own ‘challenging experience’ that is actually not of Life.
Life is not experiencing itself as ‘emotional’ stuckness, but it finds a way to continue, to grow, to purify, to adapt, to expand, always, even if all around and all the ‘variables’ are against it, the proof is we are still here so that potential is also within ourselves– and that’s what I decide here to stand as and decide to live in every moment as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my addiction to doom and gloom and believing that ‘I was more grounded in reality by embodying or constantly ‘bringing up into my experience’ – notice as an EXPERIENCE – the same or similar things that I actually only can Imagine people out there are going through in an attempt to ‘make a stand for them’ as in making of myself that embodiment, as the ‘one point’ that almost wants to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ as a reminder of ‘how things are not ok in life and in this world’ therefore ‘I cannot just join in the constructive and supportive and expressive side’ and let go of what I have defined as my ‘real side’ – all things related to sadness, suffering, self sabotage, destruction, doom and gloom – which is in fact just a personality trait and experience that I’ve become so used to ‘being in’/existing as.
In this I realize that all the times I’ve recoiled or criticized people that I have judged or even spited as ‘too happy’ or ‘too expressive’ were actually moments where I could see that there was this inner struggle, inner ‘battle’ to embrace that as me or a potential of myself, which is in fact the change to create and make space for within myself (out of my comfort zone) – therefore, in a way becoming like the character of ‘Wednesday’ (Merlina in spanish) Addams when being around all the happy kids in the camp and standing as that one point and reminder of all things related to the ‘opposite’ the kind of happiness everyone was up to there – lol – which is kind of funny because it relates very much to a personality trait I’ve become and embodied as myself, and that has actually already caused me some health situations before based on this constant ‘mourn’ in a subtle manner that exists based on focusing and reacting to ‘all the bad stuff’ going on in the world and in a way ‘re-enacting’ it within myself whenever I am confronted with something of supportive or what I had defined as ‘positive’ in nature.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of having this ‘undefined undercurrent experience within me that I don’t know what it is’ as apparently something that was ‘beyond my reach to change’, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘this is always going to be with me’ and ‘I cannot change it’ because ‘It’s the nature of my beingness’ wherein even if that is so in terms of how we’ve all programmed ourselves to the core to stand as separation, as all things ‘of the mind’, no matter what, we can still make that constant decision to not ‘follow the mind flow’ or ‘the usual experience’ but instead actually stand as that self-creation point In the moment, and how I see that it will be is making a seemingly ‘small shift’ within myself wherein instead of judging something or someone that is constructive, expressive, playful and showing that potential of what life is and can be, I allow myself to embrace that/them as myself, as something I must physically create space for and embrace within myself, and this is possible once that I do not ‘fill in the gap’ in that moment with the usual ‘me’ that is accustomed to yes seeing the benefit of change, growth, expansion, expression, self-creation and agreeing with it at a Consciousness or Mind level, but at a BEING level, I have not yet been fully ‘in it and as it’ as the totality of who I am.
Therefore this is where I have to become very aware of these subtle moments where this seemingly ‘undefined’ discomfort emerges in me upon witnessing growth, expansion, expression, enjoyment, playfulness and life in its multiple ways and expressions emerging, and so in that moment I can decide to deliberately take a deep breath so as to ‘make space’ for this new me to embrace these potentials that a situation, a person, an environment is presenting to me and that I can decide to be a part of it without judging it as ‘positive’ standing as a counter act to ‘all the negative’ – I have to in this moment let go of my usual ‘equation’ or ‘balancing act’ of me standing as the ‘reminder of all the bad things in the world’ and actually make space and learn how to stand as that ‘embracing of life’ within and as myself.
It’s interesting because for the most part what I’ve done in this deliberate decision to do supportive things for myself and others is that yes, it has felt as very unnatural, but I also realize how this seemingly experience of ‘going against the flow’ also has to do with a resistance to change, to put it bluntly and simply really, because only a resistance persists in a particular ‘inertia’ state and not being fully willing to change or making it ‘difficult’ but in my case, it is definitely a matter of a decision to do so.
Yes, it might probably feel like I am entirely going ‘against my grain and core’ but I have to remind myself that if this is the nature of my beingness as ‘evil’ as the reverse of life that isn’t able to embrace life and all of its potential as me, as a possibility and reality for me; then how can I in any way continue ‘advocating for change’ or be ‘promoting change’ or ‘expect the world to change’ if I am not ENTIRELY to the core of my being living, embodying and existing as that very life within myself.
Here, I have to treat this the same way as I have treated any other addiction really, because it’s a comfort zone, it becomes a justification to all things that we believe ‘are not up for us to change or challenges as who we are’ when in fact, I can see the obviousness of how if there’s anything that I am reacting to or subtly creating a discomfort about a point of expansion, of potential, of life, change and growth, I must stand fully as my awareness of this particular pattern of addiction to pessimism and doom and gloom and ‘things not changing’ and ‘remembering the suffering of everyone else in the world’ and realize that it is completely Futile/useless for me to turn those facts into a personal experience as an emotion within me, that I am in fact Not changing myself and not working/standing/applying myself to be the change in itself even to the core of my being, which practically means ‘not just agreeing with words’ but make that actual shift at core level of the nature of myself that I want to live by and express as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor life in this blatant way, by holding on to my ‘preferred’ states of being with subtle rejoicing at all things destructive and of the mind which are in no way an actual demonstration of me being an example of ‘living life’ but more like continuing the trend of our entire existence of self-sabotage and comfort in self destruction, seeking change ‘out there’ instead of focusing to the detail of myself here, which is where I can empower myself as change.
I’ve realized through all the supportive interviews at Eqafe.com that there’s a very simple way to ground these seemingly ‘undefined’ experiences into a solution by directly asking myself: “what am I hiding, covering up, justifying, excusing and validating with ‘my experience’? or “What am I NOT wanting to take responsibility for in my life, in my experience that stands as a form of spite in the face of life?”
Is all of this something that is pretty to face and acknowledge exists within oneself? Nope, and I could go into shame as to ‘how the hell have I allowed this to exist within me!?’ and into blame and feeling bad about it, lol – that would only catapult myself back to where I was before opening up this whole point so, that’s how judging one’s actions is a double-layer fuck-up that can be short-circuited by deciding NOT to judge what we’ve lived and become, and instead just Directly and straight-forward go to the solutions, to the decisions of changes to be made, to the actual practicing and embodying of the change that I have paid lip-service for, but that I had not actually fully embraced to the core of my being as a potential yet to develop and create, and nurture within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question my almost hatred and disdain towards that one aspect that my grandmother represented for me as the person that will always ‘feel bad’ about herself and only think about being sick and ill and even in the face of getting all the attention and support, sticking to complaining and making a big fuzz about things and almost like becoming addicted to conflict and fighting for her limitations, constant complain in most interactions I had with her and to judge her for that instead of first realizing that there is also a reason why she was like that.
So once that I looked and got to know of her entire life some of this made sense, but then I could also see how she literally abandoned herself, her life, her body, killing herself even if consciously ‘wanting to live’ and taking her meds, because her actions towards her body, her thoughts, her very relationships were not entirely that of actually wanting to stand as life, but more like the contrary. Here I have to forgive myself for judging my grandmother as this person that everyone in my family got to know I had a ‘conflictive’ relationship with, which also reflected how I wasn’t willing or even aware of taking such points that I disliked about her personality and her mind, and take them back to myself to see how I am living and embodying those same points within myself.
Of course when doing this, it’s not going to be ‘the exact same things’ she used to be and stand as, but I can read the pattern in terms of how I subtly‘cannot stand’ to see progress and development even if through my words and voice I can agree with it and support it, but I haven’t yet made the actual ‘space’ so to speak to truly embrace this as myself as an actual potential/possibility that exists for me, as myself, and for others as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss out the obvious points when it comes to investigating how I relate to and have judged some members in my family for showing certain traits that I’ve defined as plain horrible such as how it seems that anyone’s well being or good fortune creates a discomfort in them, and how I could ‘not make sense of it’ because of how I could not fathom – apparently – that someone could feel that way in the face of potential and support and growth/expansion! – yet I have done the exact same thing yet not seeing it for what it actually is, but suppressing it interestingly enough as this nature of ‘how I am’ and not questioning it.
So, the devil is in the detail as in I have thought that as long as I deliberately utter words that are supportive and geared to create solutions, I was being the solution – but this is more of a physical experience that I am now aware of is there as an undercurrent/underlying presence that I had not challenged/question to the core within myself, therefore this is more of a physical embracing of life itself, not only at a knowledge and information level, but as a … how to explain it? A making of space and so a deliberate stand to embrace such potential, growth, expansion, awareness, change, development, expression, self-creation.
I’ve seen how many of us that are ‘too concerned’ about the world out there actually become this very ‘problem’ ourselves where we focus too damned much in the ‘outside’ that we forget to look at the very details of how, where and why we are creating this very same problem or recreation of friction and conflict within ourselves in our minds, thoughts, experiences and we don’t even question it or notice it and that’s a huge problem, because then we will recreate our addiction to only seeing the problems, to the hidden and covert ‘blame’ towards whatever or whoever or the system itself for why things not change, instead of realizing change as myself at this very core, not only in thought, word and deed or ‘good intentions’, because I’ve thought I was doing it, but this is also a BEING decision, a who I am and how I relate to or decide to express myself In the face of seeing/witnessing/standing in front of and in the midst of potential, growth, expansion, change, development, support, enjoyment and all of that which I have denied within myself as a potential of myself.
I can see that in both of my family lines, the constant experience was that of suffering, of pain, of dread, of depression, of inferiority, of melancholy and the rest of it, so, this is something that had become so ‘natural’ to me that I had not questioned it yet I can see this almost ‘addiction’ to misery of sorts, very weird! Yes but not to judge it any further though, but to understand it as just another way in which we function in our minds – some people are geared to the ‘happy’ and ‘all things positive’ in their minds, and some others are the opposite and I happened to be geared more in the ‘opposite’ so, I am just part of that polarity that divides ourselves in experiences instead of rather being able to embrace potential as life, undefined of ‘charges’.
I realize that it has been a very sneaky and subtle way for me to actually disempower myself when it comes to embracing possibilities of change, wherein a form of pessimism or negativity or ‘sticking to the reality of the majority’ becomes a comfort zone as well, wherein I use that as a reason and excuse of why I cannot embrace that change, expansion, possibility, creativity, expression within myself. And this is exactly the kind of personality I have embodied for most of my life.
Who I am within using ‘the facts’ as the reality of what is here in this world as an excuse of why I cannot embrace that potential of expansion, growth, expression, enjoyment as myself? I am avoiding responsibility to change myself, I am abdicating my own ability and going into a disempowerment which becomes also a comfort zone as to ‘why I cannot do anything to change the WHOOOLE world and system out there’ therefore, I remain in this sense of ‘stuckness’ to not take the point absolutely back to myself and see how I am still reacting and accepting this experience as ‘unchangeable’ within me, even in the most subtle/tiny experiences and situations when in fact, if there is one place where I can in fact stand fully as the change, is within myself.
So I essentially have to stop using the world, the ‘state of affairs’ of how things currently are as an excuse, reason and justification of why I cannot embrace actual and genuine change as in embracing and so giving creation to what exists as a potential of growth, development, expansion, self-creation and self-expression, wherein it has become easier for me to agree to it ‘at a mind level’ but not yet fully embrace it as the new nature of my being that I decide to live by – which is a great, great difference.
In my sneaky mind I validated this experience as something ‘true’ to myself, I even saw it as a way of being ‘compassionate’ to others maybe, a way to ‘care for others’ but this exists only as a moral facade really, as a ‘caring for others’ at a personality level, because as long as I don’t care entirely to change this very mechanism of spitefulness within me, how can I dare to say ‘I care for others and change in the world?’ I Cannot, because the very reaction that I am presenting to such actual change and possibilities is that of the reverse of embracing it, and that cannot continue being so in my being.
And this is something that I know for a fact is not only existent ‘in me’: our very nature at a mind and beingness level is that of containing some form of self-destruction, to keep ourselves controlled and in the comfortable illusion of disempowerment.
It is in that comfortable illusion of ‘being disempowered’ that we become the very embodiment of the systems that we are trying to apparently ‘change’ out there… this is so essential to understand really, it can potentially define the entire starting point that anyone can have toward creating ‘change’ in fact, and that’s how I’ve explained in past blogs that I no longer seek the change ‘out there’ but rather focus on the very necessary and indispensable change within each one of us, and it begins with these subtle changes that might take some attention and focus to become aware of, but one simply knows when there’s something ‘coming up’ as an experience in ourselves and that’s already a reaction, might not be a set of thoughts but subtle physical experiences, and that is IT.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this seemingly underlying experience within me that emerges every time there’s a witnessing or awareness on constructive, self supportive, developments, growth, self-creation and all things that are actually supportive wherein I would have a ‘discomfort’ within me, very subtle – yet brushed it aside every time, hoping it would ‘change’ itself, but I had not realized that it’s not so much me rationalizing ‘change’ but also at a being level making a decision to embrace these potentials as the life that exists within me, as the examples others are presenting of this and rather be grateful that I am seeing this now, rather than ‘later on’ or ‘never’ and continuing ‘tolerating’ my mind as this subtle physical experience.
I realize that my affinity with doom and gloom is a way of keeping myself in a personality trait that even if I can in common sense I’ve seen the benefits of learning to live in a supportive manner, at a very deep/being level I wasn’t making that whole decision for myself entirely, but more at a knowledge and information level, more of a ‘moral’ stand point if you will instead of making the actual space to embrace and so develop such potentials to then focus on creating them as myself, as what I have yet to create as myself which sure, I have no ‘scheme’ or ‘predefined’ sets for, but I have seen glimpses of my potential and expression and abilities and skills, so I can continue developing those further and continuing learning from others, embracing them as examples I can learn from, which are other human beings in this same process that I learn a lot from, which is remarkable to say the least and demonstrates the possibility of this at a humanity level.
This is a one point I ‘brushed off’ aside for so long I see, and all I can say is that this will be quite the challenge for me based on the subtle yet very noticeable change to be made here… I shall report back in time how I go bringing it into creation, into application in real time which is what this process is all about. Here I only suggest to be aware of points like these because it might get to a point where it’s not necessarily a set of thoughts popping into one’s head, but a very, very subtle physical reaction that one knows ‘it’s there’ and one has to then open it up to see it for what it is, to understand the pattern when it emerges and so see deeper into it.
That’s it for now, thanks for reading
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