554. Reverse Engineering Inner Conflict

Or how to walk through a point of anger or blame and see through it towards self-responsibility in one’s life creation

As I was organizing some files and doing a general cleanup in my computer, I saw some documents that I had written out over a year and a half ago where, there was this experience of being ‘stagnant’ and ‘stuck’ somehow in a point of creation in my life. What I find interesting is how upon reading it, it reminded me a bit to a conversation I had a few days ago with someone that was having a similar experience to the one I wrote out at the time.

In the document I wrote for myself, what I closed it off with was simply to remain standing, to keep breathing, keep walking and not seek for ‘ways to hide away’ from my experience. So even if I didn’t have a clear idea of ‘where to start’ getting untangled in my experience, there were basic aspects of self-discipline and consistency to keep myself going and walking regardless of this overall sensation of stagnation or a temporary experience of ‘losing my ground.’

Now that I can look back at the time, I can see how I created such stagnation with certain decisions and points of creation in my life that at the same time now that I walked through them and saw what I was initially ‘aiming’ at with them, I can now stand up from it, learn from it and take the essence of that period in my life and share the ‘ways to walk through it’ for others that might find themselves also in a temporary experience of ‘being lost’ or ‘feeling without a way through’ which is something I’ve been quite familiar with in the past and I have to remain humble and remind myself of having walked through these situations as well, which at the same time enables me to be patient, considerate, humble and flexible with whoever is experiencing something similar in their lives.

What I can now realize is how the experience of stagnation didn’t really ‘go away’ by itself, it was an actual decision to get to be truly self-honest about myself and my experience and make decisions that could create a distinctive change in my reality and therefore in who I am as my choices and decisions. What do I mean with this?

Many times we like to blame anything and everyone we can for ‘the way we feel’ or ‘how we are doing in our lives’ – I’ve been there and done that in terms of blaming money, the system, the place I live in, I’ve blamed the perceived ‘lack’ of something, blaming the people I would share a house with, blaming other people’s ideals and desires towards my life, blaming my decisions, blaming my partner, blaming the past… and the list could go on and on. But it is quite interesting that whenever we are experiencing this ‘stagnation’ or feeling ‘stuck’ we don’t dare to really investigate on the things we actually are aware are the point of self-compromise in our lives. We know it because we are the ones within our own minds, bodies, life on a daily basis, yet we like to look away and always look towards ‘the outside’ as ‘the point’ to change or to blame or to see as the solution.

What went on in my case is actually walk through a point of creation until its ultimate consequence, and by that I’ve also learned to not see it as a ‘wrong decision’ or ‘mistake’ but more like a point of creation that could not stand the test of time, which proves that there were some ego points, energy points that I had to walk through and test out to see for myself what is essentially ‘of life’ and can stand the test of time as my creation, and what was ‘of the mind’ as a point of creation that led me inevitably to an experience of stagnation, of ‘not moving forward’, not expanding and what’s even most frightening is that in the writing I explain how ‘Well, it’s my point of creation and I have to stick with it’ but I did not consider changing it or challenging my decision, choice and point of creation, but more like ‘I’ve made my bed, I’ll lie in it’ type of situation where yes, I agree on the aspect of taking responsibility for one’s creation but at the same time to not be rigid or limited in believing that I cannot change my decision, that I cannot stop a point of creation and expand to another or that I have to ‘marry’ a particular line of creation and stick with it forevermore.

I found it quite interesting how there is a sense of ‘resignation’ that comes along with ‘sacrifice’ as self-victimization in reality, where I believed that I had to ‘walk this path’ and there was ‘no other way’ but to now stick with it because: I created it, I chose it, so I walk through it all, which I essentially did until a point of consequence as an unsustainable outcome came to create an end to that point of creation.

But I did question as well how much I was willing to give a continuation to my own acceptance and allowance of an experience within me that I knew perfectly well what it was linked to, but still, I didn’t challenge myself, my ego, my desires, my self-interest enough to actually see the point that was ‘bugging’ me and was right in front of me all the time – and what happens then is that this experience of dissatisfaction, stagnation, a general ‘stuckness’ in one’s life can become like a constant anger or resentment towards anything and anyone or ‘life’ itself – instead of actually having the guts to look back entirely back at ourselves to see how it is our own self-interest, our own  ego, our own fears, desires, personalities or ‘woman in the red dress’ matrix style keeps us from actually being self-honest and so daring to reverse-engineer our experience and trace it back entirely to where we made certain choices, decisions within a starting point of ego, compromise, desires, seeking a particular experience or point of ‘fulfillment’ in separation of oneself and what do we get according to the input-output? Dissatisfaction, separation, losing one’s ground, loss of ‘identity,’ losing track, believing there’s ‘no point’ in anything in this life… but is it really so or are we only creating an emotional experience to not have to actually face and confront the nature of the decisions, the choices, the paths we’ve decided to walk?

Self-honesty is always a punch in the guts if you will, at times it is the least pleasant thing to do, yet it is also a momentary experience because once that you dare to do it and walk through it and stand your ground when it comes to sticking to one’s living principles, one may walk through a temporary storm and it might seem hard and arduous or never ending – but there will be a way through if we actually remain self-honest in making decisions, choices and actions that reflect the principles that are best for life, one’s life and that of others – and this is not determined by anything else other than action, reaction – input and output.

So, here it is a personal reminder of how whenever I get to experience myself ‘stuck’ or in a point of ‘stagnation’ in one way or another, I have to ‘reverse-engineer’ my experience and Dare to see that which I in fact know is the point of compromise, where I am not wanting to ‘let go’ of something that I am aware is compromising so that within that, I can prevent myself from veering and going towards ‘blame’ and ‘anger’ towards anything and everyone in the world, which can manifest as any form of giving up, seeing no point in continuing walking this life and process, losing one’s ground or seeking a form of validation and reasons to ‘keep going’ from others, which is an equal point of compromise because it is only self that can decide to stand up, clean up one’s act, straighten up one’s decisions and then see what happens when one does that.

All I can say is that, we determine the magnitude of our consequences, we determine how ‘far’ we allow something to continue going within ourselves without a direction towards change in self-honesty. Therefore, whenever blame comes, whenever anger comes what do we know? We are actually angry at ourselves for not doing what we deeply – or sometimes ‘on our face’ – know and are aware is our point of self-compromise, and the more we don’t change it, the more the emotional experience increases, because deep inside ourselves we know we could change things, we know we could make different choices, we know we could be standing in a different position than the self-compromising one we’ve taken – so this will all last as long as our ego lasts in any form or way. And with this, it’s not to see it as a very damning process either, because how else would we know which points we are still being ‘held by’ in ourselves, by who we are as our mind/ego if we didn’t have the direct reflection of our choices, our thoughts, our words and deeds as the experiences that we create towards ourselves – and others – as a result of our self-dishonesty.

A fitting saying is  ‘we do it to ourselves’ really, and so that’s how we are always the problem and at the same time the solution. My suggestion is to not get completely blinded by the experience, because ultimately it is a way for us to hide from our responsibility, from our self-honesty – but to rather face it and confront it, as Sunette said in her vlog ‘take the bull by the balls’ really because it does take guts to stand in that place/point or position that one may have wanted to ‘hold on to’ but that at the same time, might be the one point that was keeping a hold to one’s expansion and development in one’s process – only we can know what such point is and all I can suggest is being courageous to see for ourselves what it is and do what is necessary to align oneself back on track to the path of living and expanding in self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

 

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Pole-ticks: the uncomfortable truth

If we all know that politicians are only chasing the throne of power for the sake of their own personal benefit and have no intention whatsoever to care for people’s general well being, then why are we still accepting and allowing ourselves to believe that any person that is currently ‘running for president’ could actually make a difference in this world if throughout history none of this has been actually done?

It is quite lame to find out how politicians behave in their positions, becoming nothing else but a ‘good show’ for people to watch, criticize and talk about and in that, becoming even more popular even if it means being so for all the wrong reasons.

Unfortunately, one of the points we’ve had to realize is that: politicians are us as well and we are the ones that have create such group of people to delegate all our responsibilities to while they, of course, make good use of it following their greatest excitement which is certainly Not related at all with being an example of what being a living honorable being. Yet, isn’t this the very same desire that we are all chasing after as well?

I often see myself reacting to politicians – I have written about this before – without realizing that I am criticizing in another what I haven’t yet corrected as myself, when I haven’t yet directed me to be living here as breath with the utmost discipline to make sure that I can stand by every single word I say. This is written here to become aware of my own judgments that can become quite harsh toward the general fuckups in our world, which is me as well and any fuckup has to do with my own participation in the negligence toward this reality that we’ve created with such spiteful and abusive nature.

This is how we’re all responsible for everything that is here, this is how Self Honesty is not nice or beautiful as it implies realizing that we’ve become our worst nightmare and there is nothing or no one to blame for it but ourselves. Then we realize blame can only create further victimization, so all that’s left is standing up, taking self responsibility from here on and ensuring I don’t play out the same actions and deception that anyone in this world is currently living by, including myself of course.

Politicians are the incarnation of our constant desires transformed in a convincing image that can be voted on to get into office. That is us achieving our ‘goals’ and ‘dreams’ regardless of who or what we have to step upon, regardless of how much we have to lie and neglect our own self dishonesty as long as we have our ‘success’ guaranteed, as long as ‘we are fine’ and the rest of the world is just not ‘here’ for us to face.  It is because of these thinking processes that we’re currently facing the ultimate madness of the human as we become a savage demon seeking its ultimate fix in any single possible way.

Keeping ourselves sane in this world requires a constant grounding point: writing – sharing – discussing – breathing to realize I am here and we can’t trust anything of this world as this has become the last play of the ego of the human seeking its last drop of blood to drink and quench the interminable desire for such glory, fame and power regardless of the amount of beings that must be sacrificed in order to attain so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge politicians in separation of myself as inept people that are obviously pouring out deception and becoming the greatest liars on Earth, while disregarding the fact that they are the very manifestation of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the ultimate abdication of self responsibility while seeking the fulfillment of  hopes and dreams through the power that we’ve endowed on to money itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize politicians for their quest to the ‘power’ without realizing that we all live by that same quest to make our dreams come true, to have the best and most wonderful life where everything is fine and taken care of, which is how we’ve delegated our self responsibility to others to do everything for us, to not have to become self responsible and do the things ourselves because that would imply that we actually have to become the solution and stop complaining and judging the system, which is us as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be judging another for the way that they speak, act and behave as it is clearly ‘deceptive’ and only seeking to get to power without realizing how such person is only playing out that which is existent in myself and everyone else wherein we present a ‘face’ to the world that is only seeking approval from others, seeking ‘your vote’ to become that which can have ‘all the power’ later on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge in another that which I haven’t yet acknowledged and accepted exists within me as well  – therefore I stop judging and having endless backchat when seeing ‘politicians’  as the ultimate scavengers on Earth, without realizing: they are me as well.

Time to stop – this is a reminder: whatever I am judging outside of myself must be brought back to self to see how I have created this manifestation as an outflow of my very own abdication of self responsibility, of my very own self dishonesty and my very own dreams and desires that have driven my entire existence never questioning who or what had to be stepped upon to fulfill them.

In an Equal Money System we won’t be having politicians that are keeping up a good show only for the sake of ‘gaining power and control’- no. Each one will be equally responsible and in that, we’ll all learn how to take care of this reality as ourselves, ‘loving our neighbor’ which is giving to each other what we want for ourselves and stopping any delusions of grandeur that perpetuate the ideals of ‘who’ and ‘what’ we must become in order to be ‘fool-filled’ in this world.

We stop buying into lies and create the actual freedom that can only come if we stand equal and one as that which is best for all – process of realizing that we are able to create better ways to coexist than what we’ve ever could’ve thought possible before.

This is it.