Tag Archives: self-expression

548. Being Dedicated

Or how to redefine the starting point for living the word dedication having self as the starting point

§ Continuing from 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

I looked at this word and found how I have lived dedication in several ways in my life, but a common factor is that all of those things wherein I’ve been most dedicated have been related to doing tasks or activities where there starting point was more about doing it ‘for others’ or to ‘benefit others’ only, and this is a common tendency I’ve seen in people like myself where we tend to shift our focus and attention towards ‘changing the world out there’ or ‘assisting others’ but in all of that, ending up missing out on ourselves, on being the starting point and principle of all living words and being dedicated for ourselves, as ourselves, as the very life that is in us and that exists in equality in everyone else.

 

An example is how I outlined this word from that blog I wrote on ‘attraction’ and finding words that I could see this person living for himself was – from my perception – living personal dedication wherein he became a sort of ‘expert’ in his creative field even when having a regular 8 hour a day job ‘in the system’ for decades, doing something that didn’t at all relate to his creative side so to speak. He still lived the same dedication to his art, his field of expertise and create himself from that, which has made him a sort of ‘wise man’ from my perspective based on his consistency and diligence to keep himself functional in the system, yet when it comes to his personal creativity, standing very much on his own ‘way’ which is quite a rebellious one to say the least in the context of what he does as art, but here I’m not even focusing on ‘him’ or ‘his art’ but more like the balance this person could create in terms of dedication.  

 

I’ve also been watching some series about designers and I’ve seen how creative people in general have always been a source of inspiration for me. I can be a person that whenever I am hitting a ‘blank’ in some way, I can watch an interview or documentary about a creative person in arts/music and be able to draw these words and aspects that they were able to live through in their lives to get to be who they ‘got to be’ as in being masters in their craft and art, which usually leaves a good set of learning-experiences from these people where surely they weren’t ‘perfect beings,’ but in the spirit of ‘investigating all things and keep what’s good’ – one can always find something very cool to learn from these visionaries, creators, designers, artists which are sort of the people I gravitate towards, but hey it’s not really limited to that, I’ve also found I can learn from any human being when getting to know their story and what they have managed to learn or overcome to live their life.

 

Seeing other people be dedicated about doing something ‘for themselves’ mirrored back to myself as a potential that I had given up for some years – and still in the process of creating my footing around it – wherein I ‘felt’ I truncated a career for me for some years because of focusing/dedicating myself only on this process in itself and perceiving I could not expand further from that or actually continue ‘creating’ something for myself, something that is entirely for me and existing as my expression – and not only related to say the ‘theory’ and support structure behind this process – but doing something that can stand as the reflection, the outcome, the result of this very personal process expressed into a point of creation that can possibly stand through the test of time as something that expresses/reveals me and can stand as a point of living-testimony of this process at the same time, so both points in one so to speak: self-creation and the living of this process in one.

 

This point of creation is not only about the creation of a project, a set of works I’d like to do, but it includes my own life where I’ve seen that I have to now shift my dedication to self-dedication as well and balance out that self-commitment not for ‘the process’ in itself and the dedication I’ve created to set this foundation for myself within it, but it does feel  – and I’ve been ‘feeling’ this for quite some time now – that it’s time to settle all of this towards the next step, which to me is also very much linked to dedication and the didactics within it – which from my perspective can only be a true-sharing and process of ‘teaching’ if one has also done the process and walked it for oneself.

 

Along with dedication I also see the words focus and perseverance, because that ‘trinity’ of words is exactly what I require to not give up on very personal projects I’d like to develop for me and my life and at the same time, be able to create an equilibrium in what I’ve mostly been doing for now as the core and movement of this process in itself for the benefit of many more.  

 

Therefore I can source from my own example in this word wherein I can see and recognize I have been quite diligent, dedicated and consistent with responsibilities that I’ve taken on ‘towards others’ or what I’ve defined as a ‘greater purpose’ – for a lack of a better way to explain it – meaning, projects that do not only involve ‘me’ as my own starting point and end of creation, but have mostly been dedicated when it is meant or geared towards a common benefit.

 

Why has this been so? I have been that kind of people that would also perceive that having a greater purpose would imply giving up personal projects, where I had in a defined or invested myself towards my own self-interest. Arts is one of those, but lately I’ve been realizing the sabotage I created within myself around it where I’ve seen how it really isn’t even about ‘arts’, but how I had created a relationship to arts that instead of redefining it from a starting point of self-interest towards one of self-support and having a career that I can live from, I neglected it by considering I could not resolve my relationship ‘towards art’ and that I should just give it up.

 

Though I also recognize that when I was formally having my time in art school, I was equally dedicated to both points, Desteni as in taking the time, discipline, effort and application invested on all of the vast material, references, interactions, courses and participation that I truly see it as a ‘second simultaneous career’ of sorts while also being dedicated to university and not just doing it ‘half-assed’ but fully knowing that this is what I wanted to create and be for myself, that I was going to give my best as my creation.

 

From applying discipline in arts creation, I’ve learned a lot from the discipline, detail, focus and consistency that it takes to create something in ‘old fashioned’ art ways, which seemed like quite a challenge at the beginning of my career where I was more into doing ‘fast art’ type of things, and I ended up challenging myself by taking one of the most rigorous and precise methods of image creation, such as print making learned through apprenticeship in methods that are a couple of centuries old. In essence I pushed some boundaries but I do consider I fell short in this, and I can still pull it through to something that I can genuinely stand as the creator of it myself.

 

This time I want to direct the word dedication to do what I can create for and as myself, for the first time without expecting or needing a ‘reference’ for me to keep going or to stop sabotaging me from continuing with a project based on the perception that this is ‘self-interest’ or ‘no one else is benefitting from this that I do.’

 

Here I have to instead remind myself that being a creator is about who we are within anything and everything that we do – no matter if it is building up a business from scratch, opening up a new field of knowledge and information that is supportive for humanity, being a visual artist, a writer, a set of parents that truly see themselves and their children as their ultimate works of art and live according to that, a person that can step up from very difficult living conditions and create a way through in life, people that overcome the worst kind of outcomes or consequences in their lives and find the strength to reinvent themselves and succeed in what they do…

 

Well, in essence I could expand the list to many examples, and that is also a good indication of how through this process one learns to see the potential, the process of ‘overcoming’ difficulties, but also the kind of self-mastery that emerges with living words like dedication, consistency, perseverance and focus to be someone that can understand the level of capacity and responsibility we have as creators, because that’s ultimately what our lives are really about from my perspective and current understanding: seeing directly through our thoughts, words and deeds who we are as creator, created and creation and live in/as our own creation, which yes can go both ways of completely acknowledging and using our creative abilities for the best of our potential or completely ignoring it all and diminishing or squandering our opportunity to genuinely live.

 

I definitely want to embody the word dedication not only towards something I can do ‘for others’ but also in my own life because that’s where I am aware I have been ‘slacking’ and lacking-me in essence to be and do something for myself, as myself, besides formal ‘process work’ and that’s also why one can get to feel ‘frustrated’ or in a ‘halt’ of sorts if one stops seeing oneself as a creator not only in a direction of ‘providing support’ but to first and foremost support oneself, create oneself and get to tap into the enjoyment and satisfaction of living that in a particular activity, field, line of work or projects where we can also expand, learn from and grow into, without in my case having to fall into the absolutism of only doing ‘one thing,’ because that’s limited for sure, we can be and do so much more if I step out of my two-dimensional view on my life.

 

Dedication also sounds a bit to me like the-deed-actions, the actual doings that we can place our time, effort, focus and perseverance on in order to see who we really are as creators, to learn to be consistent in doing something that I might see ‘no point’ in doing after some time and rather get to complete it, get to walk through it to its end to then have the real say as the creator of it and see who I was within the whole creative process, and ultimately assess how supportive or beneficial it was or wasn’t.

The key point for me here is to precisely not give up ‘half way’ in it, but be able to see something through until I get to complete it and then be able to have the ‘creator’s say’ on whether this is something that I can use and pursue any further or not, which is something that can only be assessed once something is finished, completed or achieved.

 

Of course this is in terms of self-honesty, meaning I have tended to hear a lot of my own thoughts of why I should quit doing something, so I have to be quite aware to not ‘quit’ on something based on reactions or having ‘second thoughts’ but only stop if there’s something that is genuinely consequential or compromising in reality– that’s a practical assessment – but in terms of experiencing a resistance, that’s where I have to live the word dedication and actually get to do and see the completion of something I set myself to do that I might initially think ‘it’s only for my own benefit’ or even pleasure. Ultimately this will be reflected on who I become as a creator in doing so, and that’s how we can eventually see where our efforts, consistency and perseverance is directed to and get to know our ‘wood’ as creators.

 

And this is also something I’ve only recently come to understand when it comes to ‘it’s about who you are within what you do’ – where instead of me judging the actual activity/work/creative process and outcome of it, I can see how I can test my creative abilities in whatever I get to do and work on. This is also in consideration of living in a world where we won’t only do ‘what we like,’ but we certainly get to test our preference-limitations through having all kinds of ways and jobs to make a living regardless of a ‘preference’ – yet even in those situations where we’ve felt most ‘compromised,’ we get to learn more about ourselves, the kind of person that we can develop ourselves to be within it all, the words that we can learn to live in those situations and contexts – all of that is certainly a place where we can live dedication for and as ourselves, as a quality to develop within ourselves, regardless of the outcome or ‘final product’ of something.

 

Therefore I see this word dedication is linked to action, to creation, to the consistency, the perseverance and focus I can put on doing something and ‘seeing it through’ which is what in my life has given me quite a sense of satisfaction, not because of ‘accomplishing’ something necessarily, but because of proving myself to be able to be and live to be much more than what I initially thought I could do or be in my life.

 

So, dedication, as ‘hard work’ as it may sound, it also comes with the inevitable fruits as a result of our input and output on a day to day living, and this is then where it stops being only something one has to be constantly ‘working on’ or ‘giving our time to’ but, we can change the equation to seeing how we are truly growing, learning about ourselves in order to be empowered and start creating, start directing, start and so continue paving the way through in what we want to stand as and live as in our lives.

 

Being dedicated to oneself as life can be the key to ‘see this life through’ with self-honor and self-respect and there’s only one way that one can predict this kind of outcome or future, which is by living self-honor and self-respect on a daily basis, living that dedication to be better in our lives and consequently affect others’ lives through that. The simple shift in this equation for myself is entirely having myself as the starting point, seeing every day as an opportunity to challenge myself, no matter ‘what’ I do but always remember it’s about ‘who I am’ in what I do that defines my truth and so what we make of ourselves in our lives, our ‘destiny’ or outcome of our self-creative process.

 

So, I’ll keep an eye on this word from here on and walk the next phase of using this quality that I’ve seen in me in certain ways or aspects and now use it to see who am I as this word if I see it’s not within something I see is benefitting ‘others’ directly, but is existing only as myself, for myself, which is quite a field to explore in my personal life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


542. Living Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

I have identified the word ‘expressive’ with a set of personality traits where a person speaks in an assertive, directive manner and using mannerisms that look somewhat ‘effusive’ or ‘extroverted’ to me, like moving hands, doing various facial expressions, even being humorous as well. Now, all of these are aspects or traits when looking at them as something I merely react to in a positive manner, which leads me to create an assumption or judgment that the person is ‘expressive’ or ‘outgoing.’ However, this is only what I can perceive in a moment of a person’s expression – I realize that it does not represent what it actually means to be expressive. This initial approach I just described above would be a form of confinement to the potential that we all exist as in the word expressive. Now, what does that mean?

When investigating my feeling-based reaction that I’ve experienced towards people that present this kind of qualities – I have seen how I’ve actually at times gone into a bit of a ‘sinking’ next to them, when interacting with them or observing them, because of considering that no one can ‘top their expression,’ which unfolds in reacting within inferiority, which is an indication that I’ve separated myself from my own potential expression and therefore, judge someone else’s as ‘desirable.’

This is also why I’ve been debunking my own set of beliefs around these words I had felt ‘intimidated’ by or creating a form of ‘attraction’ towards and instead, directing myself to clear out their meaning for me and take those words back to self, which means realizing that we all have the ability to live these words in a self-supportive manner, and not only as some kind of ‘show’ for others or personality trait, but as a genuine expression of who we really are, which is also expression as a process in itself.

Part of what I’ve learned in this process within Desteni is to understand expression in self-honesty, wherein one actually goes ‘reverse engineering’ one’s preferences as likes and dislikes, our emotional and feeling reactions to virtually everything in our lives, and we can then spot what kind of energetic experience motivates us, essentially looking at what exists behind every thought, word and deed in our lives.

It has been a very grounding and supportive process for me to do this, to realize how much of what I deemed ‘my expression’ was motivated –in my case – as a ‘show for others,’ or a form of ‘mask’ that I could put on to be liked or accepted by others, seeking appreciation, approval, seeking relationships out of need or dissatisfaction with myself, wanting to appear as ‘more’ than what I was truly experiencing within myself in certain moments… and the list could go on.

So, upon going understanding and seeing clearly ‘what motivates me’ in my life and noticing all of these fears or desires as starting points, what was left was a decision within me to self-forgive all those fears, judgments, desires and instead, apply myself to now learn what it means to be the starting point of my expression, what it means to direct myself to do something for and as myself – in other words having no ‘fear’ or ‘judgment’ or ‘desire’ as a motivation to do something anymore – but instead genuinely in a moment decide to do something and live it, do it, ‘go for it’ in other words and create it, express it – of course in consideration of what’s best for all, in common sense and self-honesty, essentially making decisions that are supportive – not just ‘random’ stuff that could be consequential, lol.

This might sound too simplistic in words, but it can actually be a challenging process for most of us that have conditioned our very decision to move and do something in our lives for something or someone else but ourselves.

An example on changing this starting point is how I initially decided to start painting and get into arts to avoid being bored, to cope with being alone one summer at home and also desiring to someday be very famous and well known and travel the world and the rest of it. Of course this doesn’t mean that I now have to stop doing any art because I had a flawed starting point –which by the way, I actually did stop for a while because of thinking it wasn’t valid anymore in my life, lol – but in self-honesty one learns to then realize we can change that starting point or ‘reason’ for why we do things or ‘who we are’ within doing art in this case and so, learn to be my own starting point, learn to express myself as art, which means not doing it to ‘get’ an experience or ‘avoid myself’ or ‘expect’ me escalating my position in my society, but simply as an expression, a movement, a decision, a realization that I work on for myself.

Changing this starting point in whatever we do, make, say and think in order to make it an expression of ourselves is actually easier said than done of course, because we’ve mostly learned to do things ‘in separation of ourselves’ – therefore, such a point as being expressive or expressing ourselves may have a huge baggage behind it as a set of reasons to ‘do’ or not to do something – like for example having the starting point of wanting to compete against others to ‘win’ something, to ‘get a relationship’ out of a fear of experiencing loneliness as a ‘negative outcome’ and the list may go on.

These are just examples but the point here is to explain how we are the only ones that can truly be aware of when we are genuine and self-honest in our expression and when we are in fact not so. And this is what has been very supportive for me to understand considering that I had been the kind of person that would use any form of motivation ‘outside of myself’ to express and be in a particular manner to create a ‘show’ of myself for others – but saw little to no point on doing it ‘for myself,’ which as strange as it may sound, it is actually a far more common situation than we would like to accept.

A cool test for myself lately has been the situation of being by myself and not having anyone necessarily being the ‘receptor’ of my expression or ‘expressiveness.’ This has been very cool for me to see what of the things I used to do when having someone else around me most of the times I stopped doing or changed in the ways I would do it because there’s ‘no one else around me’ that could be the witness or receptor of such expression – whether it was something I do or how I express myself in those ‘little moments’ of interaction with others.

I initially saw that I was wallowing into a ‘pointlessness’ considering there was no one to interact with in relation to this expression – but I instead made a decision to apply this realization about self-expression: to be the source and reason of my expression. And so upon the various years of living alone in different phases in my life, I’ve learned to do things for myself, from the way that I care for my own body, how I dress, how I have my surroundings, the food I make for myself, the things I do for fun, the kind of work that I do, hobbies –I’ve learned to have ‘me’ as starting point for these points, of course every now and then having to re-mind myself of that considering how easy it is also to start placing something or someone as the ‘reason’ to do anything in this world in separation of ourselves.

Now, I understand some might say ‘oh isn’t that selfish, doing it only for you?’ but it is not, this is of course within the context of doing things that are supportive in nature and that I then through habits on a daily basis have turned into my own expression, which can be easily translated into ‘who I am, how I am, what I say, how I behave, what I write, how I present myself with people, how I look, how I speak’ within the starting point of being directive in it all and within the consideration of the principles of what’s best for all, being supportive in other words and without making it a point of ego.  

Now going deeper into this word ‘expression’, we express ourselves in every moment. Every moment of breath is self expression, it’s my body expressing itself – every thought, emotion, reaction, judgment, opinion is also a form of expression, an expression of my mind that I’ve learned to now assess and question every time to see how supportive this expression is for one’s life and that of others, which is the self-honest application upon one’s expression and so placing the opportunity back to ourselves to decide: Who do we want to be and How do we really want to contribute to this life and existence in every moment that I am existing?

Being alive is already in itself an expression, it is ourselves existing as a plethora of potentials to develop according to our context, capacity and abilities – but the point is then to expand this word ‘expressive’ not only to a set of characteristics that can be perceived or received by others in only a fraction of interactions in one’s day, but it is about acknowledging that we are in fact expressing ourselves every moment of our day, whether we are aware of it or not.

So, one of the points here I would like to remind myself about is that, even if ‘no one is seeing me’ – apparently – and no one is ‘benefiting’ from my expression as my ‘doings’ in my day to day living, I actually am aware that by the sheer fact of being living in this world where we are in fact all the same – as in one and equal as life – whatever I accept and allow, what I change and correct within my life in common sense, what I work to develop in my life, the words I decide to live, the expressions I decide to fine tune within me, the destructive or self-sabotaging habits I decide to stop and correct within me, the words I choose to use to communicate, the foods that I eat, how I care of my body, the way that I l decide to confront a ‘problem’ or conflict in my life, the way I relate to people around me, the way that I present myself with others, the words that I write, the things I support in the internet, the way that I approach my work, the ideas that I have to create something and who I am in the process of creating something are all ways and forms of self-expression: they are all parts of me and they all stand as an impression or ‘signature’ of who I am in all of it – therefore we are constantly expressing, therefore also communicating with every single one of these in our day to day, it’s how we participate as co-creators of this reality.

That’s the kind of holistic self-awareness to practice in my day to day really, where I continue to align myself as the starting point of what I do within the understanding of being best for myself and so being best for all – and also in being able to enjoy all of this that I do as part of my self-creation process, which is actually something we tend to forget to do many times when we are too busy living ‘for others’ or to ‘get something’ out there, forgetting who we are as life yet to live to its utmost potential, which to me is precisely linked to self-creation, to sculpt ourselves as our creation, to work on our potentials, to fine tune our expression and genuinely learn to live, and so be an example for many more that might be ready to consider doing this for themselves in their own lives.

How to live then the word ‘expressive’ in relation to interactions with others? It’s actually quite simple because once that one walks through this process of self-writing, getting to know ourselves and deciding to change the judgments, limited perceptions, beliefs, opinions that we might create about ourselves or others, what is left is a core expression of oneself as an individual which is the definition of being ‘expressive’ as in not having obstacles to share, to be open, to enjoy, to share the kind of enthusiasm that emerges within oneself when we start ‘piecing ourselves back together’ from the scattered-self as all of the mind-traits that we had defined ourselves by.

Therefore, being expressive is also a result of walking this process using the tools of self-support provided by Desteni and realizing that we actually have much more potential than we thought we had when being only ‘in our minds’ and not yet getting to live who we really are as life, as our physical body – and this is only the start for me, there’s lots to do, fine tune, continue expanding and growing on but so far, best thing I’ve been able to decide to commit to in my life.   

In this, I also learn to not ‘compare’ myself to others’ ways of expressing, but rather learn to appreciate others in their individuality, being aware that I can always enjoy it ‘with them’ while also sharing myself and learning from each other to become better human beings. Interestingly enough that’s very much what we also do as the Desteni community and that to me is definitely an example of what being expressive is about, it all being related to ‘sharing the life’ in one another and the ways in which one lives it, how one works through it, what kind of solutions and paths one creates to continue tapping into one’s potential and that to me is what life and living is all about.  

Thanks for reading.  

 

Enjoy this Desteni Radio episode: Desteni Radio # 22 – Drinking Water and Why Change is Difficult

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


540. Being Funny

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

This word relates to the relationship to humor and jokes specifically where I genuinely enjoy laughing at someone’s jokes or expression that is generally intended within enjoying a moment of laughing out a bit. At some point I started investigating who I am as this ‘funniness’ in both laughing at jokes and general enjoyment where I became quite critical also of my ability to laugh and enjoy myself as ‘fun’, very much linking it to a sense of morality that I shared in a vlog recently wherein I thought that in order to be honest with myself, I had to stop participating in anything that I deemed of a feeling or energetic experience – and so my reasoning was to look at the constant nature of our world-wide reality which is yes,not of fun and enjoyment for the most part, but of suffering, abuse, neglect and in general all the worst that can exist in all of us.

However over time I realized I could not continually exist in that sense of embodying all of this in my ‘state of mind’ considering it doesn’t change anything for anyone in this world and I was only denying my expression of being funny, having fun and enjoying myself as a form of ‘sacrifice’ or ‘loyalty’ to the majority of humanity, but of course this ‘piousness’ doesn’t change anything. I was only becoming quite bitter actually and mostly getting to judge and at times envy whoever else I would see was enjoying themselves, having fun and generally being a regular human being, lol.

That’s when I started questioning why would I deny myself this ability to enjoy myself?

So I’ve been lately more and more embracing the ‘funniness’ in me which comes more through my interaction with others, but I am also doing it for myself, being comfortable in being funny. However this has been a process of ensuring that my starting point is clear.

In retrospect, sometimes being ‘funny’ would emerge as a desire to fit in with others, or to get someone’s attention, sometimes it would be plain sarcastic with some judgments coming through, therefore I also have worked with this to ensure that this funny-me emerges spontaneously, without a preconceived agenda, without ‘thinking it’ so to speak or planning it meticulously to obtain a particular purpose. I definitely enjoy being spontaneous and also laughing at other people’s spontaneous jokes and expressions in a conversation or an everyday moment.

Some other times I have also contained myself because of doubting how others will receive the jokes, sometimes I go into considering too much how others ‘might be’ on their end and their general self-experience in order to express myself in a fun manner or not, but it’s all a matter of seeing the context of course, without refraining myself from it.

However I do ensure that whatever I say is not at all implying any form of ‘jokes’ that are currently abundant related to judgments, opinions, politics or the rest of constructs that we use to ‘laugh at each other’ in a vicious and separation manner. It does take a form of childish innocence to be able to be fun and as an outcome what comes is a sense of comfort that can be created with other people, a form of openness where I personally use it to ‘lose’ my self-perceived seriousness at times with people.

I appreciate another’s expression in being comfortable to be funny and serious at the same time and not be defined by either or, but simply act and express according to ‘what’s here in the moment’ and this is something I’m definitely implementing in my life and more so practicing letting go of my doubt in expressing myself this way, and going for it as long as it is here and spontaneous – not controlled, premeditated or attempting to get a particular reaction from others, but doing so unconditionally, as my expression in the moment.

I also enjoy expressing with kids, like with my niece we spent some time together yesterday and we had quite a lot of fun because she’s quite similar to me and it was quite funny seeing her, her ways of expressing that I would laugh at because I could see me all the way, a bit quirky and uninhibited, so that was also the kind of innocent fun I very much enjoy wherein anything we do can be lived in a lively manner that in itself makes it fun and enjoyable, no matter how ‘simple’ the moment is.

Laughing and being funny is part of the things that I can enjoy in life, those bits and moments that become a ‘breather’ in our day to day, without creating any ‘need’ or ‘addiction’ to it, but seeing it as the spice that one can express for a moment and then carry on with the rest of what we have to be, do and face in our reality.

So! No need to separate myself from this expression anymore, I’ve definitely been more comfortable in embracing this expression as myself and will continue to do so in my life.

Thanks for reading

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


535. Self-Enjoyment and Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

These two words expression go hand in hand and I’ve seen that in my case, they are also a result of me first sorting out any point that is creating noise within me and so discomfort in my body. Speaking of which, I just watched today a very cool SOUL video on this topic which is recommendable for everyone to listen to because it is something we all can relate to regardless – it’s about who we are in our body and developing a sense of it and linking it to ‘what goes up in our minds’ or experiences, so here it is: How Are You In Your Body?. This aspect of comfort I’ll also get to in blogs to come since it is something that I’ve outlined in this series of words to ‘look back into myself’ in relation to that point of attraction from which this blog series is stemming from, and I defined it ‘comfort in one’s own skin’ which is the same as being comfortable in our bodies and what I consider is having a relaxed expression as an outflow of self-acceptance and self-appreciation.

However here I’ll focus on Self-Enjoyment and Self-Expression in the context of not having any trigger going on in my reality to enjoy and express myself – meaning not doing it ‘for someone else’ or within a particular context where there’s more people involved, but getting to the core of who I am within myself as these words alone.

This is again reflecting a bit on the original point of ‘attraction’ created towards another in relation to this point of self-enjoyment I perceived in them, wherein I cannot really tell ‘who they are’ in relation to self-expression while being alone/with themselves, because all that I’ve seen and known of them is based on interviews, documentaries which means there’s always an interaction of sorts with other people recording the interaction, in essence it can be also a ‘show’ towards others – however the words are here for me to look at in both contexts.

One thing I am certain is that I definitely can enjoy communication with others, it can be either through a chat or video chat or in real time, I appreciate a bit more the real time ones because of being in a particular environment with the people face to face, I consider that there’s really something about being in the presence of others that makes it very real – but it is still a perception because I can still communicate in the rest of the ways and enjoy myself as well.

However here I want to focus more on ‘who I am’ as self-expression and self-enjoyment within myself, alone. This opens up the possibility for me to fine tune this point of self-expression in relation to what I decide to live in every moment of my life, as a set of decisions, choices, doings that I do for myself, as myself – hence the word expression where there’s no ‘separate motivation’ behind it, but entirely doing it as myself. Now this I have gotten to integrate to a certain extent in who I am, doing things as an expression of me, however! When it comes to ‘me time’ or personal time and self-enjoyment that’s where I want to really look into. 

Self Enjoyment is easier to express when doing something where I am particularly being productive, being of assistance to others or when I go for a walk and there’s that ‘perfect weather’ like windy and cloudy yet having bits of sun shining through, that can really make me genuinely smile and enjoy the moment. However whenever I don’t have any particular ‘triggers’ or ‘reasons’ to enjoy something in a moment, meaning there is no ‘stimulation’ of sorts by external elements, that’s where I have been testing out making more of a decision in moments with myself to get to express and enjoy something, while being alone and doing so entirely for myself.

A point of conditioning that I’ve seen for a long time is how I’ve defined self-expression in relation to only a set of particular activities, namely art related, in writing, in communication – and all of these are more ‘production’ based or interaction-based, but this creates a huge gap into the rest of the moments where I am not doing any of that and perceiving that I am not ‘expressing’ myself or that I am not ‘enjoying myself’ which is the deception to clear out for myself here.

I have a tendency to focus too much on ‘doing things’ and ‘getting things done’ to a point where I can easily not stop from the moment I wake up till I go to bed and not get a ‘break’ to ‘smell the flowers’ so to speak, except when I have to eat or if I go out – but my challenge and focus here is on expanding my ability to enjoy being (with) myself in simple situations where I am not necessarily ‘doing’ something, but simply getting to enjoy me, my presence, my physicality as in ‘I’m here’, I’m alive, I breathe, I am content with myself.

It is definitely awesome where one stops ‘longing’ something or someone to create an experience within us, because one is no longer defined by having a ‘positive experience’ being triggered by something or someone else, but can instead be one’s starting point and decision to enjoy a moment with ourselves.

An example is where I can simply step outside for a moment and just look at the sky and breathe some fresh air, or laying down for a moment, closing my eyes and practicing to just breathe and not engage in thinking, but develop that physical awareness in those moments and be in my physical body– as simple as it may sound these are enjoyable moments. Same with just staring for a moment at ‘life passing by’ and being ‘empty’ within myself – those are some of the peaceful moments, but they are also a result of me first getting to do most of the things I set myself to do, meaning, I very much dedicate my day to ‘doings’ yes, but at the same time I’ve also been learning to integrate some ‘me’ time where I can develop these self-enjoyment moments, like cooking or preparing something for me to eat or drink that I enjoy, or going to the movies which is definitely something I enjoy – and truly the way I get myself to watch a movie because it’s tough at times to do so at home – or when I decide to jog in the morning and it’s simply so nice to go to the park early on and having the sun not out yet – those are moments with myself that I appreciate – but I also want to be able to enjoy myself regardless of any of these activities.

And this is where I’ve noticed that ‘enjoyment’ per se if definitely not going to be as defined by consciousness, as a super high experience of ‘thrill’ or having a ‘buzz’ in my body where everything goes super fast and I’m like on a ‘high’ point – nope, this enjoyment is more of a fulfillment, self-fulfillment and lately is being linked to self-appreciation which is actually emerging from this same self-introspection I’ve been doing to debunk all of my supposed ‘lacks’ as well or points I’m ‘missing’ when in fact, these are just thoughts that I’ve given power to in my mind, but the ‘magic’ of writing is that upon seeing it for what it is in my words on the screen or on paper, they lose their ‘power’ so to speak, because I can see where I have not recognized the words I’m already living or how I have separated myself from certain words as well, which is great, it’s like a self-consolidation process and that’s very cool for this time of my life.

However, here I push for detail and specificity. Within me there’s a tendency when getting ‘too quiet’ to also bring up more like unconscious patterns of diving into a melancholy or slight depression, experiencing a sort of lack, longing, yearning etc. which has to do very much with the word I opened up yesterday in relation to comfort in solitude, where that comfort becomes a platform for me to enjoy and express me, for me, as me and at the same time, it has led me to ‘rekindle’ a relationship with myself based on how I can recognize who I am, what I’ve become, what I’m working on, being able to truly start appreciating myself, the path I’ve been deciding to walk and living it out in my life thus far, being grateful for all the people that I’ve gotten to meet and be with – and learn from it all – and realizing how much this has assisted me to grow as an individual. 

I also have had a tendency to value this experience ‘with others’ as something ‘more’ than being alone, which is why I open up this self-expression and self-enjoyment on my own, meaning getting to at the same time be comfortable in my own body, in every moment,  but also in deciding to do or express things for myself.

Self-expression and self-enjoyment is about who I really am in every moment, how I am experiencing myself in my body, being able to investigate myself if there’s any ‘noise’ going on in my head that is creating a particular experience in me and finding out what it is all about, which  actually becomes something enjoyable for me to do as well – and so be able to make a decision to get back to a point of comfort within my body so that I can then express myself in whatever I do as a point of flow, direction, focus and determination in my regular responsibilities.

That’s how in working with writing, self-forgiveness in self-honesty and deciding to create the changes I need to establish myself back into my own two feet and express myself, I become enjoyment as well which I can also define as a satisfaction within me, as in being satisfied about all the day’s actions, of how I am directing myself throughout the day and this is certainly not about having positive thoughts or anything like that at all, it’s about principles and doings, it’s about knowing who I am and what I want to be and create – and so expressing, doing, sharing myself based on that realization, translating it into actions, considerations, choices, decisions, plans and projects, things to make and produce, while also yes, now integrating some ‘slow-me-time’ into the equation, that’s the challenge here.

 

If it is a ‘me-time’ where I don’t have anything specific to do, I can then practice on enjoying my physical experience, my presence, my surroundings, that quietness and stability that I am aware I can get to once that I have worked with what I had to do and create for the day as my expression.

So as I was mentioning earlier, self-expression and self-enjoyment has got to start for me, as me yet invariably of course this resulting in affecting the way I relate to others and the ways that I share who I am with others, in my interactions and such, which I find is most enjoyable.

Ultimately as I expressed yesterday as well, we cannot define our own expression and enjoyment based on where we are or with whom, nor if we are entirely ‘alone’ in a certain environment. I consider that being able to enjoy self in whatever we do is a point of self-acceptance, self appreciation and self-trust that is built throughout walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life as well, it just doesn’t come ‘in one go’ and it has taken me some years to get to a relative point of self-enjoyment and self-expression, but here I’m definitely pushing myself to the next level of continuing to fine tune myself in detail in relation to these aspects of myself as self-expression and self-enjoyment.

So, some self-forgiveness here on the perception that I cannot enjoy myself unless I share my expression with another or sometimes wishing that I could share myself or an activity with someone else in moments where it’s just not possible at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I can only enjoy myself genuinely in the presence of another/others, wherein in moments where I can be genuinely enjoying myself, I go into a ‘wishing’ or ‘longing’ to be in the presence of someone else that could also ‘benefit’ from this enjoyment or this activity as well, instead of realizing that myself as part of the whole, living this self-enjoyment is already me being it/expressing it as others as well. What I can practically do is then proceed to share myself with others in relation to how I’ve done this, the process I’ve walked to get to this self-enjoyment – or get to establish relationships with people where this kind of enjoyment can be shared – however without making it a condition for me to express and live self-enjoyment for and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought before that ‘life is better when sharing it with another’ – and so conditioning my expression in relation to ‘being with someone else’ and perceiving that when I am alone I am ‘miserable’ and so seeing no point in enjoying myself, which is a perception and a belief again that ‘this expression right here could be also shared and/or experienced with someone else’ which it is so in fact, it can, but it doesn’t have to ‘necessarily’ be so to make it enjoyable for myself alone – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘something or someone else’ the motivation for me to express me, to live enjoyment – when in fact this is precisely where we cripple ourselves in believing that it’s not worth ‘fully being here as ourselves’ in moments when we are alone, because we are not affecting someone else in any way of seeing them also enjoy and share a moment with us – when in fact, that is only a perception, because regardless of who is there or not, one can express and enjoy for and as oneself, and this is then a living expression that one becomes an example that can be shared with many more people that have conceived it as pointless to express and enjoy themselves alone – so I in essence have to live my own words and realizations into myself, so that I can be self-honest in my expression around this whole point, and truly become a living example of what it means to live these words self-expression and self-enjoyment even in the perceived ‘silent’ or ‘still’ moments within myself, deciding to be more expressive for me as me and not only doing so for another that is around me. And this has been a point I’ve been practicing for sure, bit by bit I’ll continue expanding myself on this.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression based on who is around and how I can ‘affect them’ or ‘trigger them’ with my expression, which is then a point of separation such as doing something funny, enjoyable or express myself in a particular way to ‘create happiness’ or ‘enjoyment’ in another, which I can instead learn to do for me, as me, as an expression – no need for observers or onlookers for it.

I commit myself to embrace me, my expression, my enjoyment and whenever those thoughts come up of ‘Oh I wish I could have shared this moment with someone else’ I simply breathe and realize I’m here as me, I enjoy it, I live it – whenever there’s an opportunity to share it with another, I will, but then it won’t be doing it ‘for them’ only, but as an outflow of what I’ve already lived for and as myself, as my expression.

Thanks for reading

 

Inner Creations

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532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


531. Redefining Self-Confidence

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Confidence is the first word to look at and the aspects that I see I require to fine tune this word are specifically in relation to an experience of hesitation, doubt and uncertainty that I’ve been facing interestingly enough in situations where I cannot really reference something ‘with others’ and where I have to stand on my own two feet, make decisions and learn to trust myself within it, learning from it.

I’ve noticed how when making decisions in my life, I’ve become used to always asking or having other people as supporters or detractors of what I decide to be and do – this being a source of ‘confidence’ for me based on how I take others’ words and perspectives as an encouraging or detracting factor for me to venture into doing something or not, and here I’m focusing mostly in relation to my expression, specifically in arts.

The outflows of this self-doubt, uncertainty or hesitation emerge upon assessing options or paths I could develop within myself when having a literal ‘white canvas’ in front of me. What emerges is that I start considering what would be approved by others, what would be most liked or appreciated by what I believe specific people could say about it – and interestingly enough, this is where what can be called as a ‘lack of confidence’ comes in, where I am desiring a point of reference, a second view from another approving or disapproving something that is very much my own expression, my own doing.

I’m actually talking about painting here, hence the ‘literal white canvas’ description, because that’s what I’ve been taking on again and I started realizing why I became so unsure of myself in something like painting or anything art related, and it all boils down to seeking a form of reassurance from others that I was doing the ‘right thing,’ or how I stopped for example taking photographs because I started judging the fact that ‘suddenly everyone can take photographs’ and it’s no longer some kind of ‘special thing’ as it was some 10 years ago when I started doing that and got to be the most prolific on it.

Therefore I saw the constant: I am having a projection, an idea of what I believe would be ‘others’ opinions’ or the expectation thereof in my mind as an obstacle within me to not continue expressing myself. And this is entirely my creation, my expectation, has nothing to do with ‘others’ really. The same when I started considering more what others were doing and comparing ‘my work’ to that of others, and how I slowly but surely got discouraged of continuing doing anything related to arts, because of having ‘others in my mind’ and using that as a source of discouragement – of course, it all has been self-created.

Therefore I can say I lost confidence in a way when it comes to expression in arts specifically – but if I look at it, was my ‘previous confidence’ actually real? Honestly not. I had built such confidence some 10 years ago based on the praise I’d get from teachers, friends, relatives, fellow artists and I kind of ‘elevated’ myself based on others’ feedback, building such confidence with having a backbone of opinions and perspectives by others that I took as ‘real’ and as a definition of ‘my work, who I am.’ This bubble then had to be burst and for the best, because if we are to truly embody and live a word, it cannot be sustained by anyone else’s opinions and perspectives but my own.

This also has to do with being sometimes ‘hyper-critical’ about my expression in the context of arts or musical expression. Same applies to playing music where I see that a tinge of fear emerges when considering ‘playing bass again’ or making music with others, because I remember all of those past times with people where I took someone’s perspective on my playing as ‘discouraging’ and in essence, I allowed myself to fall into a ‘uselessness’ experience about playing music, deciding that ‘my thing’ were visual arts and not music – essentially I took someone else’s opinion as ‘my truth’ and within that limited my ability to continue practicing and expressing through music as well. And there is really no one to blame here because it was me that took those words as ‘the ultimate truth’ = I accepted and allowed it.

And it’s relevant to say I’ve been challenging those past obstacles within me and in practice lately. I can also see why I have refrained myself from continuing to work on my artistic expression – resisting it, in other words – and in general keeping this ‘love-hate’ relationship I’ve shared when it comes to arts and expression in my life, but I am decided to for once and for all stop my drama around it and rather tackle my relationship with my expression in that realm of arts but also in general when it comes to my physical expression, because this has been one of those ‘trees I left to dry’ within my life, using several justifications  such as simply ‘not enjoying’ or having not such a ‘great time’ whenever I would paint and judging it as pointless, pondering what’s the use, etc. But the truth is that there was a background of not being sure about myself in such expression, which means I had gotten so used to ‘being sure of myself’ based on continuing to get feedback from other people to then define that ‘I’m on the right track, what I do is good stuff, this is good enough, others like it’.

So, uncertainty, doubt, hesitation about my self-expression are the result of having based my confidence on perceived good/positive feedback on anything I did, and used such opinions, views and perspectives as some kind of ‘fuel’ for my expression – which then I allowed to completely determine (or terminate, lol) my decision to express, getting to a point of not doing much for the past years, using many reasons and justifications around it.

However I’ve now been able to see the actual reason for it, and it’s because of the personal confrontation I get while making each decision on a painting or a point of expression: I have no other point of reference, there’s no one I can ask and say ‘hey, how do you see it?’ and base my next move according to someone else’s opinion – nope. It’s all on me now and that’s what’s actually cool that I am taking on again, it is not even so much about the actual ‘painting’ and result of it eventually, but more so the kind of certainty, confidence and assertiveness that I have to live while making a painting and learning to trust myself with it, as it, which I had not done before except when I first picked up painting in 2003 and I did my first paintings entirely for myself, no one else was  on my mind to ‘make them.’ However, this changed as I started showing them around and expectations started building… which I have to definitely get back to myself and develop as a trust, a comfort in my decisions to express and do.

I was sounding this word ‘confidence’ and it also sounds a bit like ‘comfy-dense’ as in solid-comfort where there’s assertiveness, there’s trust, there’s substance yet comfort, flow, expression in it and this is what I want to keep focusing on and deliberately applying while expressing myself, especially when it comes to trusting my decisions, and stopping having what I believe are ‘others’ opinions’ in my own mind.

This will continue….

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested support:

Confidence: Practical Support – Atlanteans – Part 152

Self-Honesty

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


530. The Secret Behind Attraction

Or how to transform an experience towards another into a learning process that gets us expanding our lives instead of diminishing them

Back to my self-investigation and particularly focusing on relationships and specifically the attraction we can feel towards others and how to turn that back to self- to investigate what are we missing out about our own lives and self-creation when and while creating any form of infatuation, likeness or attraction toward others.

Now this topic is something I started actually writing out in my journal last week, however I recently watched Matti’s video on this same topic Social Media and Impractical Relationship Fantasies, which made me laugh a bit because I have been working on a very similar point – different context yet same outcome. In my case this ‘attraction’ was towards an artist that I became aware of some 2 years ago and upon watching a documentary where he was featured talking and sharing himself doing his ‘day to day’ activities, I got to perceive certain aspects of his expression that I found myself creating a form of attraction to, and I have to be honest in the fact that I’ve watched several interviews with the same guy because of liking his expression and getting to see how he ‘views the world’ so to speak, which frankly it’s not something I even agree with entirely – however it wasn’t so much about what he stands for or how he views life what I was focusing on, but rather his overall presentation and expression.

Over time what happened is that even while being in a relationship, the image of this guy would come up and not in the lovey-dovey type of infatuation, but more so as an expression that I did see myself desiring to see or experience in my life, which means whenever I would see ‘his picture’ coming up in my mind, I would at times kind of embody certain attitudes that I liked about him, which may sound strange but this is not such a defined and refined process to really keep describing, because I didn’t get to apply this fully over time and wasn’t taking this investigation seriously before.

It was only last week that I saw myself again ‘veering’ towards the image/expression of this guy and that’s the time where I decided to take on this point and I started making a list of all the words/aspects I perceive that this guy represented as that kind of expression that I wanted to be or become myself.

Here I am skipping one aspect though for context and in case you haven’t checked out Matti’s video. What we’ve realized in our self-awareness process is that whenever we find ourselves ‘attracted’ to someone it is in fact indicating aspects that we have separated ourselves from, words we haven’t yet lived for ourselves, it indicates expressions that we see or perceive others are living in their lives that we can enjoy and instead of seeing ‘hey how can I become that myself too?’ we respond with a ‘desire’  in ourselves – which yes I’ve also written out before in sounding the word ‘these-i-are’ or desire as in we are or can be what we desire from others.

However the usual way to interpret this experience is creating a mental-‘connection’ with the person, such as desiring a relationship with them or creating an infatuation or obsession about them, when in fact we could instead redefine that to be a set of aspects that we can integrate into our own lives if we see – of course – they are best for our lives and for others as well.

So, here are the words that I’ve essentially ‘separated’ myself from living as myself and some others that I’ve kind of gotten to integrate a bit but not yet fully. Now it is also convenient to say that these are my perceptions based on what I’ve seen of him throughout these interviews and documentaries where he’s featured where I’ve gotten to perceive these words coming through him and it is very cool to instead of having this ‘undefined’ experience towards someone and just dubbing it ‘attraction,’ be able to write out the exact words that I can instead look at within myself and see practical ways to live them myself.

What came up is confidence, passion, comfort (in solitude), self-enjoyment, transparency (no pretense), comfortable in their own skin, authentic, seriousness, funny, creative, expressive, simplicity, adaptable, humble/modest, physical, dedicated.

So, here the point is for me to look at each of these words and establish ways to integrate them and live them for and as myself. This is the way to actually stop creating obsessions, ideas, beliefs about others based on what we only get to see of them either through ‘social media,’ or interviews as in my case, or even if it’s someone you interact with on a daily basis. Before even jumping into the notion of a relationship, it’s best to ensure that one’s approach to that person – in the case of it being a realistic and practical situation – is not coming from a ‘desire’ towards the person because of them representing all of these points that we desire to have ourselves, and so wanting to ‘own’ such expression through ‘owning’ a person in a relationship, which is completely the wrong starting point to be in any relationship to begin with – whether partnership, friendship or else.

It is also very fascinating to realize to what extent we have prevented ourselves from getting to fulfill ourselves, to be who we really want to be and become and learn from others to live words that we perceive others are living – and instead we fall down into the trap of ‘relationships’ and desiring relationships with others based on an idea of us being able to also benefit or ‘have’ such expressions through being in a relationship with another.

It’s not even necessary for me to say that of course it is not so and we are only prone to become addicted, dependent and completely ‘bound’ to someone because of perceiving that another is ‘fulfilling us’ in all of those aspects and words that we haven’t yet instead taken the time and effort to write out and live for and as ourselves, which is what I’m about to do so that I can stop my almost – not almost, actually – 2 year type of ‘image in the mind’ kind of infatuation that would come in ‘waves’ every now and then, and I simply minimized it, didn’t pay attention to it, I reduced it to some kind of infatuation – when in fact I’ve actually found these cool words that I can now work with now for myself.

Another important thing to mention is that everything that I can perceive about another is precisely just that: a perception, a belief of who others are and also not all the ways in which a person presents themselves might be a genuine expression either, though that’s up to each person to align and fine tune within themselves – that’s how the only point I can a certainty of is on the words that I can redefine and live as myself in a genuine manner for my benefit and that of others as well.

The key word for me to start of debunking my own apparent inability to develop these words for myself is ‘admiration’ – where it is in fact implying that I am seeing another as superior, as more than me, as ‘beyond’ my reach – and yes in this case practically speaking definitely not realistic to even conceive a ‘relationship’ nor would it be the right starting point for me to pursue any of it even if ‘possible’ – however I can definitely apply self-forgiveness for this ‘ad-miring’ or ‘seeing another as more’ based on how I perceive them, forgetting all about our equality and oneness wherein another being represents potentials of who we can also be and develop ourselves to express if we so decide to work on it.

In this case this guy’s life and context is of course completely different to my own, which means it’s not like I’ll become ‘him’ in any way lol, but rather adapt those words based on my own context, life and living purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘admire’ another human being for the qualities, words, aspects that I consider they embody and that I have believed I cannot live and integrate in my life, which is a massive point of limitation considering that any other human being is an equal to myself and that I have the potential of being able to develop these aspects/words that I’ve seen in others and work on integrating them, living those words and aspects in my own life, according to who I am and what I am dedicating myself to be and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inferiority whenever I have accessed the notion of ‘admiring’ another wherein I am placing someone else in a pedestal, making them ‘superior’ to myself – therefore making myself inferior by default– and at the same time believing that if I was to ever try and ‘be like them’ I would not succeed, it would not come out the same way and therefore, I would have to simply not even try to learn from them. Which is also another limitation here because it is not about copying attitudes or ways of living from others, or doing exactly ‘what they do’ in order to be fulfilled and satisfied within ourselves, it’s about taking those words, aspects of them that we can integrate in our very own lives, in our context, according to our day to day experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that those aspects I have admired of another are ‘intimidating’ which is in fact representing more of the energetic reaction that we perceive as ‘feeling attracted’ to someone else feels like, where we are in fact reacting, not knowing how to ‘relate’ to certain expressions and so what comes up is fear, intimidation, feeling ‘less than’ instead of realizing that this intimidation is something I can change from ‘being in fear’ to rather embracing another’s expression as ‘another me,’ an expression embodied in an individual that will certainly not be ‘like any other one’ because it is futile to compare ourselves or anyone to others; as well as considering that this expression is something that I can integrate, adapt and fine tune according to who I am, my principles, my individual expression, wherein the other person becomes only a reference of how it is possible to live certain words, yet not making them an absolute guideline for me to ‘be exactly like that’ but more in the sense of expanding my own expression and potential into all of these aspects and see how I can create myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse seeing the potential of certain words and expressions in another and define it as an ‘attraction towards another’ instead of realizing it is in fact a reaction that we create to forever separate ourselves from living such potential as ourselves, on our own lives.

This means that from now on whenever any form of ‘attraction’ emerges even in fleeting moments towards apparently ‘unrealistic individuals,’ I still can simply direct myself to make a list of words that I’ve identified the other person with and work on them myself, and that’s the way to bring the points ‘back to self’ instead of lingering for a long time with a certain idea of desire or ‘attraction’ without any resolution to it.

So, I’ll continue opening up these words and seeing how exactly I perceive I am ‘not that  yet’ and how I can work on integrating them, living them as myself according to my life and individual context.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


494. Self-Motivation: Do It For Yourself

Some years ago I wrote about self-motivation and it’s a recurring topic within me because this is probably one of the most challenging things I’ve had to face in this process, which is that of understanding what ‘myself-moving-for-and-as-myself’ in fact means, because as human beings we’ve always been motivated/moved/driven by energy in the form of fears or desires, by a particular set of achievements that we create as an ideal ‘out there’ that we push ourselves to obtain. I heard somewhere yesterday – or today – about a hypothetical case where someone based their entire life on obtaining something, and when they finally got it, they did not know what to do with themselves. Lol, it’s funny I can’t remember where I got it from but it stuck with me because it prompted me to realize how much we have driven the entirety of our creation based on ‘achieving’ something outside of ourselves or getting something that we believe will fulfill us or make us ‘feel better’… yet we can eventually ‘get that’ and realize there’s still this ‘void’ or ‘un-fulfillment’ within us, which is because we made that ‘something’ the core-drive of our every move, instead of making of ourselves the core-drive and motivation of our every move to be and create what we set ourselves to do in this world.

That’s why here I’d like to look at self-motivation.

See, the point is not so much about finding things to do ‘out there’ and making them our drive or purpose, because I consider giving ourselves a purpose is something that we all have to create in our lives in order to live in a supportive manner. The point here is to look at ‘who we are’ within that purpose and ensuring that we are the starting point and motive/motor of such purpose at the same time.

What does this in fact mean? It implies that one has to do it for oneself, even if that which we are doing, working on or creating is ‘for something else’ or even to serve a particular purpose in someone else’s life, the starting point has to always be oneself so that no matter what happens to that which we create or work on, we know that every single moment of breath and movement of ourselves was lived within the starting point of supporting ourselves, of living that ability to move, to live, to direct, to challenge ourselves, to persevere in doing something that ultimately makes us grow and become better individuals every day, no matter what the outcome is.

I am finding it a bit hard to explain what it is like to wake up every day and have oneself as a motivation and starting point for everything, where fear is not really a motivation, nor a desire for money, nor wanting to ‘get something’ in particular either, but simply moving throughout the day based on a set of principles where I have to essentially in every moment decide to ‘move me’, I decide ‘to do things’, I decide to ‘get out of my comfort zone’, I decide to do what needs to be done, what I need to direct, create, take care of and expand on.

In my experience, it has been a constant point to create an equilibrium on, that’s how I can best describe it because I have been one of those people that had mostly ever worked on things and been very diligent in stuff in order to get some recognition, to do something that’s ‘really great’ but still get my ‘share of applause’ back, and living for that is just something that invariably leads oneself to a low, because the starting point is then getting an experience that is entirely dependent on others, on likes/dislikes, judgments, opinions, perceptions, moods, biases, lol… and the plethora of human emotions and feelings that I could get back as a response to ‘what I do’ which I have realized throughout this process from consciousness to awareness that it became more of a petrifying-process than a gratifying one at the end of the day. I knew I had to completely let go of ‘others’ in my head or this something/someone else I was ‘moving myself for’ and be my own starting point to be, do, act, live and express myself.

Has it been easy? Nope, I’ve caught myself over the years many times fooling me that ‘this time I am doing it to support me’ but I wasn’t, I still would have some hidden agenda to do something, be something to ‘impress others’ or get some kind of recognition ‘from others’ – yep! That has been the core programming in me and so it is an every moment decision to focus back on myself, to do it for me, to express it as something that I do as myself, for myself, no expectations, no desires, no fears behind it.

It’s easy to say but it’s been quite a process where I many times still question my intent and purpose behind doing something, but at the same time I’ve also found that stopping questioning it assists in simply breathing through a moment, trusting myself and walking the creation of something and walking through the outcomes of it. This way, letting go of expectations is quite a supportive thing to do because in any case, any idea, judgment, perception that anyone may have about something I did or didn’t do, is still that, a point of expression coming from others that can surely can be a feedback point, but it comes as a secondary thing once that I first establish me, myself as my core and starting point to do things and ultimately doing what I do in the name of my own bettering as a person and standing as that one point in this reality that can at the same time contribute to creating what I’ve always wanted us all to create: better world, better lives for everyone.

An example with self-motivation and money.  If we judge a world where money defines the value of a person, or where money is defended and cared for more than someone’s life, we have to stop then also moving ourselves merely by a desire for money for example, and instead see the current necessity for money as something that enables us to keep living, to have a roof over our heads, to continue creating means of living, to be healthy – if we use the money properly, that is – but in this way of looking at it, money stops being an ‘end’ in itself, it only becomes a means to keep myself/ourselves alive in order to continue learning how to actually live in the best way possible where I can then be the best I can for myself and so for others, to truly ‘birth life from the physical’ as every word, every action, every decision that I can make through being alive, through having money to keep myself alive and well – that’s about it that I see for now with myself and money.

At the same time I salute everyone else that is conducting bigger projects with money and that’s quite awesome as well where the use and purpose of money is for the creation of a living-environment that can be replicated in many other places around the world and be of support not only to humans, but plants, animals and ecosystems alike. I suggest checking out Gian’s Earth Haven project for it, and that’s a great example of motivation as well where money is used in a direct and visible manner to educate, propose ways of living and actually build them out in reality.

 

I share my own example where assisting other people in this same process is motivated by a greater purpose that I decided to be a part of in this world, which includes me and everyone else’s life to be the best that we can create it to be. This then comes through my own dedication and building up of skills through the years, expanding my own understanding and potential where I can assist myself and others to be their best version of themselves. What I’ve come to discover is that I genuinely enjoy being able to assist people in birthing themselves/ourselves as life, to discover who we really are beneath the clogging-mess that we can create in our minds and that’s a purpose and point of self-motivation that I had sought in many places, in many ways but had not really found anything as personally fulfilling as being a buddy or life-birthing assistant – as I like to call myself – wherein I am learning so much more about myself and others which in a way I sought to do through arts like reading books, painting, looking at art or music, but none of it quenched my thirst so to speak.

It’s fascinating how the contact with human beings in a deeper manner and with a direct and concrete focus to better ourselves, to change ourselves for the best is precisely what I’ve found most fulfilling to do in my life, which is great because as I explained in yesterday’s blog, I didn’t ‘like people’ and I was directing myself to be as separated from people as much as I could, being engulfed in my own little realm of pseudo-comfort, not having to ‘deal with people’… but, it is in dealing ‘with people’ and actually getting to understand the sometimes ‘nonsensical’ experiences we create in our minds and learning to take on the challenge to step out of such limitations that I’ve found a self-fulfilling activity where not only do I stand as the origin and starting point of it, understanding that if this is what I can do and am good at doing, then I am fulfilling both purposes: what I am and stand for and move myself to support others in doing the same, which is also why I write these blogs as well.

Many times throughout the past every time that I started ‘second guessing’ sharing my writings was because I was not being ‘the starting point’ of those writings as myself – meaning I was not my own point of self-movement/self-motivation – but I was trying to ‘show’ something to others, I was trying to get a point across only ‘for others’ and that eventually becomes a trap of ‘doing it for others’ as in having ‘others as my motivation’ for me writing myself, instead of doing it as an expression, a movement, a decision I make and simply live out and do.

So this is how I remember I have been practicing – with its ups and downs, clearly – since I wrote the blog Self Will: If I don’t move … Nothing Moves back in 2011, how self movement and my own will, my own volition as a decision I live becomes ‘who I am’ with everything I do. It is liberating and empowering at the same time to see and try out ‘who am I’ if I move myself for myself, as myself, no hidden agendas, no expected outcomes, no desires hidden, no fears in it either… but only a plain decision to move, willing myself to do it and continue doing it as an expression, an extension of myself, an ‘I move me’ decision. It’s very simple really but in our minds it does mean a process of disengaging having ‘others’ in the back of our heads or a particular experience we might get out of it, or a particular ‘outcome’ or ‘result’ as an outflow of what we do and that’s been a continuous challenge for me that I have to essentially cut-off and let-go-of anytime that this ‘doing it for something/someone’ rears its head.

If I am Not doing it for myself or as myself, whatever it is that I am ‘motivating’ myself with to move, will eventually crash down only to take me back to base 1 where I have to again re-establish myself as my starting point of self-movement or motivation. And this is ok to repeat and do as many times as it is needed to stand up from this, because at least in my case it’s easy to step out of oneself and start creating motivation through a desire for an experience or particular outcome, which is when we stop being our own reason and starting point for self-movement, self-expression and self-motivation and we give ourselves away to something/someone else.

How to tell then if we are our starting point in whatever we are doing? By questioning our starting point in doing or not doing things, because oh boy, I’ve been there where ‘not doing something’ was also a way to make some kind of a statement ‘for others out there’ and it really was a waste of time and inertia for nothing. Therefore, all I can recommend is to make sure that whenever we see doing something ‘for others’ I can immediately look back at myself and see what I am willing to live and do as and for myself and remove ‘others’ as an idea in my head.

This is something I was recently pondering about in relation to my appearance and how I have shaved my head for 7 years now due to the commitment I made for/as/with myself, but lately I’ve been giving too much attention to ‘how it is seen by others’ and whether it is supportive to engage with others and creating a possibly ‘wrong first impression’… but upon writing this here on motivation or the ‘motive’ behind things I do, I realize that I am again in that doubtful stance where I am placing others in my mind first instead of myself, and this doesn’t mean not to consider feedback or comments about it, but in the end, I do have to consider myself: what I want, what I am in relation to this point of appearance and making sure that if I decide to stop doing it, it’s not based on what others are desiring of myself as a ‘look’ because it is ultimately ‘just a look’ – but it would only be an decision motivated by me, making a decision and living it out. It is a fine balance between righteousness and actual considerations, which is something I’ll simply look at whenever the point is here again, and that’s why I started off this blog by sharing how this is probably one of those ‘challenging subjects’ because there’s always a fine line between motivating oneself based on what we believe we ‘are’ for others or ‘should be’ for others, and being and doing so for ourselves, standing for ourselves and I’d say for the first time learn to have me-myself and only ourselves as a starting point and end-point in our minds.

In doing this, as it’s been said many times, if we are the best to and for ourselves, standing in authenticity and authority within ourselves, being the director and motive behind every move and every decision to live, change and express, then we entirely own ourselves, we are responsible of ourselves and we are then at the same time also an individual that is part of a whole that stands in self-responsibility, in self-creation. What a better way to ‘change the world’ but through doing this by and for each one of us, individually. That’s the real path to equality we’ve been looking for, that’s the real liberation that we’ve been demanding others to create for us… and that’s something that it is very much available for each one of us in our minds, bodies and beingness, lol, it takes a decision, a will and self-movement to live it and do it though!

So, that’s the challenge here for everyone and myself, to keep an eye on ourselves within our every move and try out asking yourself whenever you are unsure of ‘what’s moving you’: who am I doing this for? What am I looking for with doing or not doing this? What’s my starting point in this that I am about to create, express, change, do, move? And from there assess potential outcomes to see if they are genuinely supportive for oneself and so for others.

Though not to get confused with ‘likes and dislikes’ either. Many times we have to do things that we may NOT like to do, but again it’s not to get lost in the outcomes of say working in a particular job where the results are not necessarily that of ‘uplifting humanity’ but it is about being the starting point in the sense of the words we can live in such situations: the discipline, the motivation/movement in itself, the dedication, the management of our emotions and reactions in such situations, the relationships with others on a daily basis, the points that we can learn about ourselves in such situations and environments where we can instead expand ourselves beyond our preferences or personalities, the kind of habits that we can assist ourselves to make certain tasks or points of responsibility the best way that we can… there’s always room for self-improvement, no matter ‘what’ we have to do for a living or how we have to ‘spend our days’ in this world – it’s about who we are inside and doing it to support us, no matter what the ‘makeup’ of the reality we live in is like, this is all about who we are within ourselves in it.

Ok, long blog but, cool reflection for myself to continue grounding this self-trust on self-movement and learning from it.

Thanks for reading

 

waterfall

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


468. The Insta-Accounting Relationship System

Or how to express when the factors may vary, but one can remain constant.

One thing I’ve noticed with more clarity lately is how my approach to meeting people has changed from a constricting, nerve-wracking way to a comfortable and freeing way. I shared a bit on that in the 466.Comfort in Communication blog – but one specific aspect I’d like to share about here is how it was before and how it is currently when it comes to my experience when meeting people.

  • Before getting to work on myself in this Desteni I Process   of walking from consciousness to self-awareness and self-responsibility, whenever I would know that I would be meeting someone, being present in a certain situation or even in that instant when you see someone that you recognize and you know that there’s going to be an approach and interaction, what I would do is immediately bring up that relationship’s history and do some insta-accounting.

What does insta-accounting mean? Sounds funny but it works this way: I would have to remember ‘where am I standing’ with this person/people as in checking

·         whether I am in ‘good terms’ or ‘not so great terms’ with them

 

·         whether they had done something ‘to me’ that I had to now be serious or edgy about toward them

 

·         whether they had caught me in an embarrassing situation before, therefore I now had to appear ashamed or redeem myself with them for that past situation in some way, or deliberately make as if ‘nothing happened here’ – which would be a very tense situation

 

·         whether I had to compensate to them by being overtly nice for something they did for me

 

·          whether I had actually ignored them in some way before, therefore now having to place extra-attention to them so as to ‘not make them feel bad’/feel ignored

 

·         whether I existed in a fear of loss toward them and so having to turn myself into ‘their favorite me’ as the ‘personality’ they liked of me the most so that they would not leave me/exchange my presence with that of someone else

 

·         whether that person knew me as the ‘cool, detached me’ or whether that person knew the more expressive, childish and comfortable me and so know ‘how to keep my act together’

 

·         whether I was supposed to use a more intellectual stance with that person or whether I was the chilled/never-mind about the world type of person with them

 

·         whether there was an attraction – or repulsion – that I had to follow through with to either create more of an attachment toward another – or the opposite, make sure they just don’t like me and ‘leave me alone’ lol

 

·         whether there is something that I had taken personally from them and so having to present myself as more detached as a means to ‘let them know they had hurt me’ or ‘I am not entirely ‘ok’ towards them’

 

·         Whether I had made excuses with them to not attend something they invited me to, and so remember to appear in a ‘recovering’ mode or ‘still weak’ about the situation…. And the list of lies and self-dishonesties probably could go on and on! Seriously, is this the way to live? No, it’s not.

And here I am talking about regular relationships. Here clarifying how it makes sense if for some reason we have to present ourselves in a particular way/stance due to job situations or particular positions in our society where things are more formal by nature, where we are required to play a particular role etc. – but even there one then becomes simply aware of having to keep a certain stance and play a particular role – but it is not coming up as a self-suppression and self-manipulation in the ways I’ve described above, where one has to keep track of all the lies and deceit – it simply becomes an understanding of having to stand as/play a particular role in a moment and doing so in self-direction.

So that was me ‘then’ and it became even hard to ‘manage me’ at times so to speak – it reminds me a bit to the character in Mrs. Doubtfire with Robin Williams where he plays the nanny and also is the father or the real ‘himself’ and there comes a moment where he gets a bit drunk in a restaurant while holding two different meetings at the same time/same place and completely forgets that he’s wearing parts of the older female character like lipstick while talking to his boss and man! It becomes a mess! because he kind of loses track of ‘who he is supposed to be’ in which moments and with whom, lol!

So, this is in fact something that happens to all of us when we create different personalities with different people – yep, ‘multiple personality disorder’ is not a sickness it’s just an escalated experience that we feed in our minds based on these ‘accountings’ that we make in our internal conversations/backchats in relation to others, where we keep our ‘accounting score’ toward people based on being in those positive, neutral or bad terms with them to accordingly modify/manipulate our behavior to suit those memories that we have to ‘load’ on our hard drive in an instant moment to then ‘act’ based on this ‘history’ that we have with a particular person. This is definitely a way in which we keep ourselves trapped in our own memories, recreating the past, having to ‘equate’ this ‘who I am’ with this/that person, in this or that situation and according to this or that other result. Ah, sounds exhausting to do, isn’t it? Because it is!

What does this ‘insta-accounting’ mechanism reveal about ourselves? Because of course it is not about ‘others’ here, but entirely about who we are within ourselves. It implies that we haven’t yet settled the ‘real me’ in ourselves, we haven’t yet let go of keeping a record or score within all our relationships according to positive or negative values, according to fears and desires or points of loss and gain – which are the ones that usually lead us to create these ‘insta-recaps’ of ‘where we left off’ when we last were with this or that person and if we should then change something in us to ‘keep the story with them going’ or not – lol.

It’s just like when one sits to catch up with a series after some time or reading a book and one has to do some insta-recap to know ‘where we left off’ and I’ve seen more clearly now how I used to that every single time without awareness toward people, it’s really an instantaneous situation where bam! the person’s presence, words, image triggers this ‘me’ within myself that I have acted or presented myself as towards them and so, I put the character on and played it out with that person – which means, this was entirely driven by following a ‘story’ an ‘idea’ of myself toward them, a set of particular interests shared with them and the rest of so-called ‘compatibility’ conditions played out in fact out of fears and suppressions.

  • So how is this insta-accounting situation within me currently? Whenever I have noticed that there’s this kind of memory-programming within me of wanting to ‘bring up the person’s file’ within me – so to speak – to kind of refresh my memory as to ‘who am I supposed to be in that moment,’ I simply realize there’s nothing to ‘bring up’ because there’s nothing to hide or fear or have a secret agenda about – therefore I just breathe, I’m here, I direct myself, I trust myself in my interaction with them, I’m here to share who I am and what is required to be/do in that moment – and express. 

It becomes simplicity in expression and it’s just how things should have always been like, that’s how it ‘feels’ like because I don’t have to keep ‘administrating’ all of these personas/characters toward this or that person, I just am me with anyone, no matter ‘who’ and this has simplified my life as well because then I don’t go keeping special interests, don’t go pretending, don’t go fearing, I don’t try and ´play nice’ or any of that, I just make it a point to express based on the moment, the situation, based on what’s needed with whoever is or ‘suddenly arrives’ into the moment – the factors and conditions may vary, but I remain constant.

Therefore I can see myself sometimes when preparing to go somewhere or when I know I’m about to meet someone, this ‘personal recap’ or ‘insta-accounting’ system wants to come up, but I see there’s actually nothing to ‘recap’ about because whatever ‘I was’ with that someone was the me that I am with myself and so with others – and whatever I had to sort out as any friction, reaction, judgment within myself then I would simply face it again to be corrected in the moment – no need to hold a ‘fear’ about it or a ‘grudge’ about it, it’s just a moment to moment presence and directive experience with others, working with correcting/aligning what comes up in me – when and if it does happen that there’s some personal-accounting to do, lol.

And another interesting one is for example when meeting someone from the past that one hasn’t seen in a long, long time and one might have had some resistances to talk to them before due to this/that situation… what has happened for the most part is that I simply don’t remember in that moment that I had to hold a particular ‘stance’ toward them for whatever reason, so I just am myself, I mean it’s like living forgiveness in the moment, toward myself and my actions and attitudes of the past and toward them if in any case it had been something that ‘they had done onto me’ or whatever – and this simplifies also a lot the way that I see relationships, where I’ve realized that I don’t need to have an entire ‘history’ with someone to create a familiarity with them either, as I had shared before. And at the same time I don’t have to ‘keep an accounting’ of how good/bad/kind/unkind or generous or not someone has been to me, it’s like every moment is new and if there’s this ‘accounting’ system that wants to kick in, I just don’t participate in it, I keep myself to the present.

It has actually been interesting how for some reason some people have for example felt ‘ashamed’ for doing/not doing something they were supposed to do/give me and I can notice it like ‘huh there’s something off in them, how so?’ and only later on them explaining how ashamed they were because of this or that situation and I’m like “ah! I didn’t even remember about it! Don’t worry” and that’s a true fact, it is like living in the moment, innocence, not holding ‘the past’ as this accounting to settle or keep scores, debts, gains or potential losses lol.

The challenging situation for currently me to develop this same stance is precisely in my personal relationship where I have still seen myself wanting to ‘demon-strate’ some ‘unsettling’ experience and then seeing that I am again ‘pulling out a face’ in an attempt to communicate something that I can instead actually share with words, instead of expecting the other person to ‘read me’ or something like that, which usually fails and it’s been marvelously shared in a recent set of very supportive audios from Eqafe.com Polarity of Resistance and being Unsettled – Atlanteans – Part 455 very recommendable and this is then where speaking words, clarifying one’s experience and getting to a solution is the way to walk it through, not to ‘hold on’ to a previous moment to determine the present accordingly if things have been talked out/sorted out.

And this I have been able to do better actually, deciding to ‘stop the grudge’ and stop the past existing within me and so going back to being unconditional in that new moment once that we have both settled the points. I was sooo used to ‘holding to a grudge’ before and embodying it entirely within me. But it’s definitely cool to live forgiveness that way toward another and make sure that one does not ‘go to bed’ as in leaving the past day unsettled, unspoken or with any experience, but lay it all out for self – and with the other if it applies – as it happens, not to procrastinate or leave it for later as it only rots and festers even when we know we will have to open it up no matter what– so, why wait?

Ok, so that became then a recap of how I used to approach people/situations in the past and currently after been walking this Desteni process of self-support to develop self awareness and self-responsibility, as well as laying out my current point to fine tune and keep challenging myself with, which I’ll certainly keep doing. 

But overall, I can only suggest to recognize how truly amazing it is to be that ‘free’ of these conditionings that we impose onto ourselves based on people, places, histories with each person, personalities and characters based on interest, fears, ideas, judgments blagh! The list may go always on – that’s not living, that’s ‘playing a character’ and that stops HERE as we step into being the directive principle in our minds, in our beingness, in our bodies and we decide to express in common sense, in self-honesty, in consideration of others, of what’s best for all and that’s the key to be able to face ‘whatever comes’ and pops up in our reality. I enjoy being able to just present myself, be myself, develop my expression, work on it when in the presence of others, get to enjoy me and continue working at the same time with the usual stuff like stopping judgments, stopping taking things personal, asking for more information when I’m uncertain of what is being said, not be afraid to ask, not be afraid to ‘compromise the other person’ because they can always then decide to express or not, to do something or not, but I make it a point to say, direct, express based on having assessed my intent, my direction in self-honesty and the principle of what’s best for all.

It might seem like this then becomes ‘a lot’ to do instead! But I assure you, it’s not, it takes more effort to be writing it all out here in this list form than actually considering all of these points in a moment when the opportunity is here. It’s been very liberating to me and at the same time, I’ve gotten feedback from people of how they like how I am just ‘myself’ and I have my own ways and expressions and they learn to embrace me in a way, even if it might seem ‘unconventional’ at times in some ways, and I think that it also has to do with my physical presentation which I’ll open up in some blog soon when the exact day comes to do so.

For now, I can only suggest to anyone to walk this process with Desteni because one can actually live life in such a different way, a nurturing way, a freeing way that we thought was impossible to do in ‘our society today’ but it’s not, challenge yourself, test these points out, see what opens up and enjoy it, it’s possible : )

Thanks for reading

 

 Mrs. Doubtfire

 

Check out these great sites for self support and self development :


466.Comfort in Communication

Or the experiences after getting rid of judgments, fears and expectations when communicating with others.

I’d like to share about how things can go when communicating with other people and having no expectations, secret agendas and judgments within oneself before, during and after doing so.

I’ve noticed for some time now how supportive it was for me to have the series of hangouts for the Living Income channel where I would set up meetings with people from around the globe to discuss with them for around 40 minutes a set of questions or topics I had prepared for them – of course them being experts or well acquainted with the topic or representing it – and it was a general great process for me – and sometimes them as well – to get past the ‘stage fright’ phase that these meetings would create in me and some of them that shared about it at the same time, where week after week it became easier every time to just connect into the hangout and suddenly be face to face with a person that I had never spoken before to in my life – most of the times – and still I was able to develop comfort in speaking with them, from greeting to getting to set the details of our conversation and during the after-hangout feedback time– all of it became easier and easier over time with practice.

Was it ‘easy’ from the get go? Nope, I mean sure nervousness existed whenever I was over-thinking and over-diving into judgments/ideas I had, for example, toward a particular person and how knowledgeable they were or how important their role is in something, or whenever I felt not so ‘grounded’ in my awareness of the topics to be discussed, but it definitely assisted me a lot to listen to the series of recordings for self-support explaining Nervousness and what it means within the context of giving public talks for example or the kind of communication I was doing for some time for the hangouts. There I learned to rather prepare well and then simply ‘doing it’, trusting myself which is easily said but it is more a process of practicing a lot, repeating the same a lot.

I noticed that the less I participated in ‘thinking too much’ beforehand about the communication in terms of judgments based on ‘values’ of being not good enough or not knowledgeable enough, or even language barrier or any sort of projected experience I’d create upon them or how they ‘seem to be’ – the less I would get an experience about it and instead I made it a point to simply face things ‘in the moment’ and not create any expectations around it, because that’s what I saw was creating the unsettling nervousness within me.

At the same time I got to practice that ability to relate to any person, no matter what their age, culture, personality was or even beliefs at times, I was able to get to a point of comfortable exchange wherein I was quite grateful for them spending some time with me in one of their rest-days – Sundays – and being willing to share their perspectives, insights or expertise on something. That way I came to genuinely develop a hope for humanity again in a way, because each one of them represented a part of me as humanity that is standing up for solutions, that is building, creating or spending their time to create something that is of benefit, of mutual benefit in one way or another to change things in our world.

But it definitely also became something beyond ‘what they do’ and I mostly enjoyed getting to know ‘strangers’ in a way that I could resonate with and have similar or the same principles as I do for the most part, based on what they work on or dedicate their free time to. And this was mostly like communicating to who they are as a being that is dedicating themselves to better themselves and others in one way or another in their reality. This was quite supportive and inspirational to me.

However, some might think: well, of course they are inspirational! You would pick them based on the topics and aspects you were interested to learn more about from them, stuff that is already geared to better life in this world! And that is right to an extent which is why the next steps of challenge has been to be able to apply this same approach with any/other kinds of people no matter what ‘background’ they have and develop such comfort in communication, in asking questions to them even if they were very personal in nature upon meeting them for 2-3 minutes as it’s happened some times, lol. How do I get to do this?

The ‘secret’ is based on giving as I’d like to receive and this is not an exchange of sorts at the beginning really, but it all has to do with the disposition I have in the moment I am in the presence of another human being that I am about to interact with even if for a few minutes only. And no, this is not only playing kindness to receive kindness in a convenient-system manner, but an actual recognition of another ‘me,’ another actual life form whom I have in fact SO much in common with even if we can be ‘worlds apart’ – apparently – when we allow ourselves to be defined by personalities, cultures, ages, education, money and the rest of ways in which we have unfortunately learned to segregate ourselves with. From kids to older people, from foreigners to extended family members, the application is the same: to share myself, to give my presence even if with ‘few words’ to in a way embody that acknowledgment of another ‘me’, and so talk to them, address them and develop an interaction that represents the way that I am with myself when being comfortable and even enjoying myself with just ‘being finally me’ which is probably easy to say really, but it’s been years and years of deconstructing my own layers of self-judgment and judgment I’d constantly hold toward others that only recently can I see has been ‘outgrown’ in me to an extent and so I have yes kind of ‘matured’ in a sense, lol, but not as I would have expected. I am in fact a lot more expressive, even playful at times if the opportunity develops to that extent.

Here in the past I had mistaken seriousness as in having a ‘stark expression’ with strangers as a way to kind of create a space for myself, out of fear really, to test the waters, to go cautiously and in doing so believing I was in control of something, when in fact, it was all based on fears that I’ve been deconstructing and letting go of – which translates in what I can describe as being more ‘here’ in the moment, no ‘script’ planned, but just trust myself that I am able to communicate with others and establish my self-comfort in it and share myself as it, no matter which situation I am in – although of course I mean there’s places and time for everything, let’s say doing this in common sense.

It is very much something I could link to the expression of a child and I had mostly been like that from early times in my life where I went on learning more ‘politesse’ ways from my parents and curbing the amount of ‘excitement’ I should show at times or not revealing too many ‘details’ about something etc. lol, I many times challenged that regardless but as I became an a-dull-t, I did become more quiet in certain situation and not being able to fully ‘be me’ because of loading all of those judgments, fears and expectations in me and so projected them toward others in the kind of thoughts like ‘oh what are they going to think about me’ which I can honestly say it is hardly something that comes up in me these days.

So how are things now in relation to this? Keeping practicing is one way, but what matters most is developing each time that ability to stand clear within me, which means having no expectations, no fears, no judgments prior, through and after a communication with others. I probably still have to keep working on the ‘after-math’ because I’ve noticed how sometimes I ponder if what I said was ‘too much’ or could have said this instead better, or approaching it that other way etc., not so much focusing on ‘how they see me’ but how I could have done things better – like after-communication backchat, which is not necessary to do in fear or judgment, but can be a constructive self-reflection about the points in terms of achieving the intent of a communication in practical manners – and if it’s merely social, then no need to judge it at all and let go of it, keep focusing on the ‘here’ and present moment and instead creating further opportunities to expand or fine tune aspects I saw I missed in the previous interaction.

I can say I am more open and comfortable in communication, embracing a bit of a child-like stance in the sense that I can speak in consideration of the situation, moment, people etc. and share stuff, ask questions, act and express myself without having internal noise about it, except when I fixate too much on another’s expression which actually only happens the most with my partner who is still a bit of a challenge for me to not dive into perceptions or projections of what I believe he is communicating with his expression – I’ve been proven several times to be actually Assuming a lot – so, in that way I still have to fine tune my ability to not attempt to ‘read’ into someone and pretend I know what they are trying to say or are experiencing, but keep it very real, physical and word-based which means, asking directly instead, getting the words through from someone instead of me jumping into assumptions or conclusions.

There’s one character in a movie that I could sort of many times relate to in a very fun manner, that’s Mozart’s character in the movie Amadeus where I many times felt like that ‘naïve’ type of personality in a grown ups world and lol, I still kind of do at times and of course not to that extent of kind of being clownish all the time or in a way to suppress other stuff either, but I’ve decided to make it a point to not opaque that spark that is in me that is very much ‘here’ and unconditional as an expression of myself, one that is not premeditated or ‘thought about’ or controlled, it’s just something that emerges the moment that I decide to stand clear, express without hidden agendas or wanting to control something or some outcome out of fears or judgments etc.… I leave all of that out of my moment and then what is here is just here, me expressing, continuing being inquisitive and not being afraid to ask questions – is up to each person to answer or not – because I enjoy getting to know people as well and kind of challenging myself every time to see that I can always find that ‘me’ in others, just by the fact that we are beings living in the same world, there’s always something ‘in common’ and that is what I kind of have integrated as my principle and starting point to not be afraid to talk to someone or address them or express myself with because, doesn’t matter how ‘little’ I can know you, I know we have a ton in common already , and that’s a great way to create comfort, familiarity if you will with basic aspects that we can all understand by the fact of being human beings.

At the same time sure, I know there’s many kinds of people I haven’t ever had the chance to talk to yet, but I’ve gotten to know several kinds of them through documentaries or through the internet as well and you can test this for yourself, there’s always going to be this ‘something’ that one can spot as the uniting factor. And that is all that I require in order to have something to communicate about which means this is a way to embrace others as myself, no matter how ‘short’ or ‘long’ term the interaction is, I definitely am practicing to make each one of those interactions a moment where I can learn something of myself, of others, of ‘something’ about this world and it becomes an enjoyable experience for me and even cooler if it becomes so for another too.

How did this topic opened up? I just had a chat with a guy that is my partner’s friend and I have gotten to know some details about his life but it was quite refreshing to meet over Skype and this time have no ‘topic’ secured – as with hangouts – to discuss about, but it was an open space for anything and all which was cool because then I applied the same point, just being ‘here’ in the moment, sharing, asking questions, being just here, sharing, comfortable, laughing, expressing – yeah also going through that point of seeing how there’s some sharings that can make the other uncomfortable, lol – but still be able to laugh about it and expand onto other subjects.

I’m in general appreciating the existence of these moments where we can connect even if living very far away, having ‘little in common’ apparently – lol – which is a fallacy really, we all have everything in common and we can always connect with one another if we so decide to do, and this is exactly what I wanted to share today, that it’s entirely up to us to be open, to be vulnerable, to embrace others in our daily interactions, to share ourselves, to give them the expression of ourselves that is most ‘pure’ in the sense of it not being contaminated with fears, judgments, expectations, desires or whatever else we can concoct in our minds, but be more like children are, innocent, in the moment, yet of course developing depth and substance in what we share at the same time with others, which in my case, my intent is to always have a background of support in any communication, of genuinely wanting to say ‘touch’ another person for a lack of better word because it’s not a ‘connection’ of sorts, but more like creating a realization of I am here, I see you, I hear you, I acknowledge you, you are part of what’s here which is all of us as life in equality, therefore, I embrace you as a part of me, let’s express.

That’s quite the way to go in developing relationships of any kind really, no matter how small or menial they can be in our everyday lives but, my take is that with this practical approach – that in fact it is more like an outflow of a lot of self-work at the same time – is the way to change our day to day interactions and so the ‘fabric of our societies’ and so of our world – and all that it takes is each, one by one, committing to develop this kind of expressions in ourselves, for ourselves first which in turn, whenever we share and are in the presence of others creates a possibility to share and nurture a moment, a situation and making of it something more substantial, more ‘living’ for a lack of a better word and this right here is an option that we all have access to cultivate in our day to day living.

All of this has been made possible for me, through myself but with the invaluable support of all the Desteni material and the Desteni I Process, which is truly a life-long set of tools that ‘arm’ you quite well to be able to not only recreate our lives but also be able to uncover our individual expressions that exist as a potential in all of us to develop and expand ourselves from.

Thanks for reading

 

Check out these great sites for self support and self development :

amadeus mozart


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