One common thing that can emerge when working with and applying the tool of self-forgiveness is that throughout time as in months of years of writing it out, one can still find oneself going into the same patterns such as an emotional reaction, or having the same ‘insta-behavior’ come up as an experience within us toward someone in our lives that doesn’t seem to change at all or ‘get better’ with time. Throughout assisting myself and others in this process of understanding and living self-forgiveness, a usual or common thing to conclude of this experience is that self-forgiveness is not working, it’s useless, it has done nothing to me, it’s supposed to be good but I haven’t noticed any changes after writing it, not seeing a result after writing heaps of self-forgiveness…
Well, this is where the ‘who we are’ within writing self-forgiveness and in the entire process of deciding to apply self-forgiveness is what matters. I’ll share some of the ways I’ve noticed that self-forgiveness is understood as and I’m going to share what I’ve seen thus far to possibly ‘dispel’ or clarify for anyone that is already well into their process of living and applying Self Forgiveness some of these experiences.
For more reference on what ‘Self Forgiveness is’ please read: Self Forgiveness: How-To, Why, What, Where, When?
One aspect is when we give self-forgiveness as the process of writing it out some kind of ‘magic’ quality or ability to ‘immediately release us’ from such experiences – merely through the act of writing or ‘spelling it out’ as is. This is something that entirely depends on ‘who one is’ when writing self-forgiveness. Writing Self-Forgiveness is not merely an intellectual process of placing these letters of ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself’ and copy-paste them into a line and go filling it out with all the things we have seemingly done ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ within ourselves… I mean I can understand why it may seem like a repetitive mantra if anything when seeing it written out in a single document. However, what actually matters is ‘who one is’ when writing it out: are we writing it out as a form of self-communication, of self-exposure, self-declaration or even ‘confession’ of what one has been and become and then asking ourselves: are we writing within the hope that the very ‘writing out’ of it will ‘resolve the point within oneself’ as in merely ‘typing it out’ and printing it out or sending it out as an assignment or publishing a blog and ‘be done’ with it? Or have others see it and believe that ‘one is walking one’s process’? Nope, it doesn’t work like that and it definitely defeats the whole purpose of the SELF in self forgiveness. However this is not at all a judgment, nor will any of what I’ll share as examples of how this can happen, because we have lived our entire lives mostly focusing on ‘others’ and how ‘others’ perceive us, how we ‘feel’ toward others instead of focusing entirely on what we create and live Within ourselves, which is very different and something that is necessary to be willing to walk through and understand when applying self-forgiveness.
I’ve had many conversations before on this point and how self-forgiveness if genuine in one moment, it in fact could take one single statement/writing and sounding/voicing of the Self Forgiveness in order to realize what one is doing, being aware of the responsibility one holds within such point one is forgiving and then being able to – in self-honesty and self-responsibility – create that space within oneself to admitting it, clarifying it and so laying the experience/pattern out in the form of self-forgiveness in written or sounding manner to then, ‘flag point’ or make a ‘mental note’ – for a lack of a better expression – about such point/points to change within oneself from now on, so that every time that the same pattern ‘rears its head’ one is able to remember “Ah! This is what I’ve self-forgiven, this is the moment where I now decide to change and act according to what I’ve written out in a self-corrective statement” or “Ok, this is the moment where now I decide to live the word I saw is the way to stand up from this experience within myself”
And so practically – every moment, every day – whenever this same pattern ‘rears its head’ in any form, one is then placed in the right spot to do the actual living change process, no matter how many times or how long it takes. This is what is often missed in the process of ‘applying self-forgiveness’ where it is mostly a written process, as if it was a ‘spelling out’ of one’s demons for once and for all and be done with it to burn it to ashes and have all of it ‘deleted’ from our bodies, our minds and beingness. Nope, doesn’t work that way, it entails a process of Living Self Forgiveness.
What does this ‘Living Self Forgiveness’ process mean? How I’ve seen it is that when writing out self-forgiveness within the stance of actually and truly being willing to stand up from an experience, a reaction, a character, an ‘addiction’ one may have towards an experience or anything else that one wants to change within oneself, the writing out of these patterns is an interactive process of genuinely recognizing these – excuse the words but – fuckups within oneself that one genuinely recognizes we need to change if we are to become a better person, if we are to become the potential we are aware we can be. This practically means that if there is no actual intent and acknowledgement on how to actually ‘walk the talk’ as in walk the corrections in real time which entails a change in one’s way of communicating, behaving, dealing with or being within a certain moment or a particular person, it becomes no different to signing a contract that one eventually breaks the next moment when not living up to what one has agreed to be and become or do in a written manner, no matter how masterfully or how many pages one can write about the pattern: the proof is in the pudding.
Here is then the point where we might perceive that Self Forgiveness is not working or it is ‘failing us’, because one can simply not be acknowledging the actual living process of practical self-change that comes From the moment one Decides to write out self-forgiveness, from the moment that one acknowledges there is something to change and work throughout time – and space – to change, align or correct within oneself to then live the way that we see is best for oneself and so best for others as well.
Another aspect in which one can ‘think, feel or perceive’ that Self Forgiveness is not working is when one has lived out a pattern or an experience for many, many years and then expect that through writing some Self Forgiveness sentences – or hundreds of pages on it – should already free us from the same pattern or behavior for once and for all, when this is also not really so. Why? In the mind, every time that we participate in a particular pattern or experience, we create layers of that upon our very own physical body as a form of conditioning.
I’ll place an example, let’s say one is experiencing jealousy toward another person and one participates in the experience of jealousy toward that person every time that one sees the person, thinks of them or someone brings up the name of that person and we react with the same backchat or even just physical discomfort of how such person is ‘better than me’ or ‘prettier’ or ‘wiser’ or ‘richer’ or whatever it is that one is envying/being jealous about another. So, every time one goes into the experience, one creates a layer of the same pattern imprinted on our very own physical body, and so It is no different to when one practices to master some kind of skill or ability, where through repetition and so practice we ‘get it’ or are able to ‘perform it’ or do it without a sweat/ without great effort; same goes with these behaviors we actually now want to change of ourselves, where we didn’t realize – or want to realize – while we were becoming jealous about someone that we were in fact participating in the experience of jealousy and so becoming emotional about it, maybe if not even thinking of it, experiencing our body being tense, uncomfortable whenever that person was present or mentioned or anything like that, because of the extent in which we have programmed ourselves – through repetition – to react that way in relation to that particular person.
This is really the most nitty-gritty or challenging aspect of Living Self-Forgiveness, because this is where the ‘proof of the pudding’ is once again, where one can write hundreds of self forgiveness statements, hundreds of pages about how one has related to that person one experiences jealousy toward, and lay out all the corrections to the point where In Theory it sounds great, all aligned and considering common sense, etc. But! If when one is still in the presence of the person, or when the person is even mentioned or when one even places that person in one’s imagination and Still one gets the same discomfort, tension, almost a ‘paralyzing’ experience that we’ve defined now as jealousy, then it means that there IS something that we still have to practically let go of in those moments of justifying our reasons to be ‘jealous of,’ it means one has to – depending on the severity of the physical experience – rather direct oneself to do something physical in that moment to step out of the experience, besides breathing and slowing down and so create a new direction in the way we want to relate to that person.
In this example of ‘walking through jealousy’ I can suggest living the word ‘equality’ wherein In the moment I notice that the ‘layers of the accumulated jealousy’ toward another kick in in one moment, I stand back for a moment to first stabilize and then bring through within myself the corrections and realizations I have written out before in relation to the person; this means to simply to remind myself that ‘I have walked this experience in relation to x person, therefore, here it is, the opportunity to stand as an equal to x and rather learn from x, communicate with x to establish a supportive relationship where I can in fact acknowledge that what x is/has/is becoming is in fact an expression of what we all can be in our own individual ways and lives, which then directs me to consider and focus on the potential, being grateful with that other person for doing or being something that is supportive toward themselves, life, others and so being an example toward myself and others of what one can get to be/become as well. This sounds also easy to say, but in that moment one has to become aware of potential so-called ‘resistances’ to not realize this, because in our minds we have to understand we have become very dependent on rather relating to others through conflictive relationships rather than supportive ones, and that’s where one has to ‘push’ at times to do what is most supportive, it won’t come ‘easy’ or ‘natural’ either and that’s how one knows one is ‘on the right track’ too, it’s getting out of the previously created ‘comfort zone’ as ‘jealousy’ toward another, preventing us from actually standing equal to others and appreciating them and their expression.
One note to consider in this point of jealousy, here to acknowledge the differences of life experiences and so processes that each one of us will walk through in our lives, where one cannot really ‘compare’ oneself to another person, because, it is really like wanting to compare two trees and deciding which one is the best…. This of course considering that I see trees as an immediate form of reference for uniqueness and individuality, yet ‘sameness’ in the sense that we all know what a ‘tree’ is and can be, but ultimately no tree can be like another…. Lol, it’s funny how sometimes we forget to apply this same thing to ourselves as human beings, but it is so.
Therefore living the self-forgiveness to stand as an equal to another in the moment of facing a ‘possession’ of jealousy is to physically, practically, in every moment that this experience ‘rears its head’ or even we see the tip of it coming up, that we remind ourselves of the written/self-forgiveness process we have walked about it, what our corrections and alignments were and stick to that as a new way of living and relating to person x from here on, for life.
Another layer of the challenges one can face is that if one has lived such a pattern of jealousy for say decades on, it makes sense it will take quite some time to be able to stand fully clear in front of person x and be devoid of jealousy toward them, it really depends on each person and there’s no rule to this either as to ‘how long’ it will take, because this is more about the absolute standing of ‘who one is’ in the moment of facing that other person and so actively deciding to change or not: am I already deciding to live the word equality and appreciation of another’s life and expression? Or am I still holding on to seeing myself as inferior, not as good as, or not as ‘wealthy’ or whatever it is I might compare myself to another for?
The decision to Live Self Forgiveness cannot be altered or changed by anyone else but ourselves, we can only continue kidding or deceiving ourselves or not, and that’s where the development of self-honesty comes through as an actual Living of Self-Forgiveness where one no longer sees ‘others’ or a situation as ‘the origin’ of the problem, but we instead understand how we’ve made of everything and everyone like triggers to make some of our self-cultivated and planted experiences pop out, because they exist within ourselves, we’ve given them our ‘breaths of life’ to create such thoughts and experiences, so it’s never really about ‘the other’ person or situation, at all. It’s always about what we have accepted and allowed to exist within us as an emotional or feeling reaction, a judgment, an opinion, a behavior, a practice, a thinking pattern… etc. These are the moments of real change where I’d dare to say that Self Forgiveness is like laying down the theory, the ‘recipe’ for something, yet the actual proof is when the theory is placed in to practical living application, where one takes the recipe and follows the steps one has placed out to create a certain outcome, and in doing so being willing to practice it, to go through trial and error, to even re-write the steps to the correction and test it out again and repeat it as many times as it takes to get to an optimal stable stance and experience – in this case or example – when facing, communicating, interacting, thinking of or hearing/reading the name of that particular person one has experienced jealousy towards.
And here there are also some points to be aware of such as ‘wanting to for once and for all ‘make peace with’ or ‘bury the hatchet’’ in relation to our experience toward another and so making it all seem ‘done’ and ‘be ok’ with it on the surface, but this will be proven insufficient or superficially done when facing x person again and seeing the same experience come up, and that can be most likely because one wanted to simply ‘get it over with’ and ‘be done with the experience’ through writing out self-forgiveness, but the reality is that all of that becomes just an attempt to have a ‘quick fix’ and it most likely proves itself to be when the same experience is still there, which means: one has to dig deeper or simply make a more firm decision within oneself to actually change when facing x person.
Another layer of self-deception that prevents oneself from living self forgiveness is a more ‘sneaky one’ lol and that’s if one holds on to the same experience – consciously or inadvertently so – that stands as a point of stubbornness within oneself where one wants to Hold On To the reaction of jealousy or any other emotional reaction toward the person ‘because of….’ And here come all the justifications, the excuses, the ‘reasoning’ as to ‘why’ we are meant to keep or hold our jealousy toward that one person… here what one misses is that we are not really doing it ‘to them’ or ‘to person x’ but we are doing this to ourselves! We are the ones holding on to this stubbornness of reasoning and justifying why we are jealous of them… which of course defeats the whole purpose of walking self-forgiveness and self-honesty, because one is not yet fully and entirely willing to let go of the knowledge and information as reasons and justifications that create a self-righteous experience one has ‘toward another.’
I’d say this is the most self-deceptive and so – by means or as a consequence our own creation – the most difficult point to be at in one’s process, where one keeps pointing a finger at ‘the other’ as ‘the source of the experience’ – which forms blame, self-victimization, self-pity and inferiority, self-righteousness, stubbornness – and considers that either they are the ones to change ‘toward us’ or we can’t just stop this seemingly overwhelming experience which – I know, I know – it might seem very overwhelming, very ‘potent’ at times, but it does take that continuous practice and so facing and interaction with person x to be able to practice our new stance toward that person. This is a Physical Doing, a learning process just like we – so to speak – ‘learned to be jealous’ at another, but now it is about first stopping giving into the energy of jealousy, stabilize oneself through breathing, taking a ‘step back’ from the situation, deliberately realize the common sense of where one wants to stand and be in relation to x person and others and so live that through communicating, interacting, sharing, being with person x and others in the way that one sees is most supportive for everyone. So that’s why Living Self-Forgiveness is a process: takes time, takes self-will, takes a continuous decision and diligence, a form of self-discipline it takes courage, it takes letting go of one’s ‘pride’ or any other idea of oneself in relation to others, takes humbleness to acknowledge the points one still has to work on and be completely OK with doing it as many times as it takes to get it to a point of effective self-support.
This is part of what I’ve discussed and concluded also in sharing about these same points with several people, of what it takes to actually change something and what the whole meaning and purpose of self-forgiveness is as a ‘giving oneself a second chance’ to live in an effective manner. There are many more, plenty more ways in which one can self-sabotage one’s living of self forgiveness, like when one wants to hold on to some pattern or experience as a form of blame toward others, as a form of self-punishment, as a form of ‘specialness’ or self-definition, as a form of self-pity to then justify not doing the actual effort it takes to create changes in one’s life… the list goes on, but ultimately one can spot these for oneself if one develops a self-honest approach to one’s process with a genuine initiative and starting point to see and realize what one has done or inflicted upon oneself and so others, and decisively live in a way that is most supportive for oneself and others because, really, we don’t ever ‘win’ anything from living in jealousy or any other reaction toward others, we diminish ourselves and our potential, so it’s about time we give ourselves that will to walk through the challenges, walk through the consequences and face the music for the better.
As one can see, this is then not a single ‘once off’ writing out of the patterns, self-forgiving them and believe that one is ‘freed’ from it forevermore… nope! Self-Forgiveness is not a magic spell or a prayer where hoping and wishing that it will ‘go away’ exists… not at all, it is the first step of laying out the acknowledgement, realizations and so practical, physically tangible and descriptive ways in which we are actively deciding who we want to be and how we want to live for the rest of our lives! Easily said, but! A whole different thing is to walk through it, and this is the ‘gist’ of this process where ultimately it is up to each one of us to do it.
I can only share these words but it is so that each one of us knows exactly when those moments where the potential, the opening, the ‘moment’ of change is here, in front of us, where we either take it and walk it through – as long as it takes, as challenging as it can be – or we decide to keep ourselves looping around like broken records, stuck in the past, in the justifications, in the stubbornness, in the laziness that one can also get into when perceiving it ‘too hard’ to change something, which simply means there’s more self-introspection to do to realize how empowering it is to take self-responsibility, more direction to decide to change oneself and realize how one can actually have the ‘wheel of one’s life’ if we dare to ‘walk the talk/writings’ or do the actual practical ‘field work’ of our self-corrective statements. Nothing that is worth it comes easily, and so the same applies to this process, yet we tend to forget how honoring and supportive it is to walk this process, every phase and moment of it: it’s for ourselves and it is an actual ‘learning how to live’ process, which won’t have this ‘immediate result’ either or an ‘end point’ itself – which most likely be when we die, lol – so it is definitely about learning to live the best way possible and continuing expanding ourselves and our relationships with our life and that of others through it.
Lastly, I can only suggest that the best way to walk and live self-forgiveness is through genuinely and willingly seeing the reality of ourselves – which is not nice or pretty or something laudable yet– but at the same time also assists us to see the potential we can create by our decision, by living words, by changing the way we decide to live our day to day, moment to moment in whatever and with whomever we are. That’s where the reality of this process resides in.
Thanks for reading.
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