Tag Archives: self forgiveness

595. All that Could Have Been…

Or walking through and identifying an experience of regret through self-forgiveness

So, as I was watching a video today on Facebook from Leila at the Desteni farm, I saw that I had this knot in my throat forming – emotional experience – because of how much I have appreciated her throughout all of these years and the bond that I created with her at the time when I lived at the farm for a year.

And then, I went into thinking once again how my life could have been if I had gone there, how I could be sharing my own video about ‘deciding to be there’ as I am also seeing others are taking that opportunity and living it, and so the ‘inevitable’ came up which is realizing a form of regret from not having made that decision in my life to live there even though I said many times to everyone ‘I would’ and how this has also been more ‘latent’ these past days for various reasons and situations, which has become a point that has been lingering literally in the back of my head and going into feeling sorry for myself, my decisions, feeling ashamed for ‘the decisions I made’ and in a way entertaining too much of this ‘what could have happened if’ which is definitely not a supportive thing to do at all and so here I share self-forgiveness on it, because I see this is a ‘biggie’ that I’ve held on to for so many years in my life, kind of trying to ‘stick to my decision’ and justify it in many ways.

But I deep down within me know as well what were all the reasons, ideas, justifications behind it all and come now to terms to ‘who I was’ back then and as such why I made the decisions I made ‘back then’ and within that, realize that I just wasn’t ‘who I am now’ back then to make a different decision, to see and assess things differently and so embrace the ‘flaws’ and ‘mistakes’ that I believe I have made in terms of deciding things in my life before – it is part of walking through regret and learning to let go of it, which is a process that comes mostly through forgiving myself for it and walking it practically in every moment that I see myself wanting to go into the ‘mental torturing chamber’ of ‘what ifs’ and ‘all that could have been’ –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my decision to create and develop a particular relationship in my life instead of having taken the opportunity to go to the farm and live there and develop myself there, all within the idea, reason and excuse that I could make a difference in someone’s life, which upon seeing that there was no difference made in fact, I then have allowed myself to go into an idea of ‘time was wasted’ when in fact, I have to remind myself that I was very much there all the way through in that decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this idea of ‘the past’ and ‘what I could have been and done’ as something that I compare myself to whenever I see the lives of people at the farm, instead of realizing how it is not supportive at all to be doing this to myself, to be holding myself captive to my decisions in the past and now seeing it all through remorse from ‘who I currently am’ looking at all the reasons why my decision ‘back then’ was flawed, instead of realizing that who I was ‘back then ‘ was existent in a particular context, timeframe, a particular experience that I had which I used as a reason, excuse and justification to make certain decisions in my life, which I have to here actually self-forgive for and let go completely of ‘all that could have been’ idea about myself, my life and my outcomes.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created a relationship within the expectation of being able to have an impact in someone’s life and upon seeing such ‘expectation’ simply not happening, not being ‘fulfilled’ going into a sense of ‘losing time/wasting time/wasting resources’ and ‘wasting my life’ within such relationship, instead of realizing how it was in fact something I decided to do and was very certain of within myself at the time, which indicates that I have to learn how to ‘look back’ and see ‘who I was’ within it all in the context that it existed ‘at that time,’ because I am realizing how torturing it can be to want to see things ‘back then’ from who I currently am and in doing so wanting to change my decisions and go into these ‘potential scenarios’ of ‘what could have happened IF’ I had done this/that,  instead of learning to truly embrace and accept my decisions and stop judging myself for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the decisions I made a couple of years ago based on ‘who I currently am’ and how I am seeing myself, my life, my decisions, my potential currently which is certainly not the same as ‘who I was’ back then when I was there all the way making such changes and decisions in my life, therefore this is a point of me coming to terms with what I’ve decided to do or not do in my life and embrace what I did decide to do and create, and embrace its failures, mistakes, fallouts and turning points, because that is also what I see has had a ‘hold’ of me in terms of becoming comfortable with mistakes, but at the same time still holding on to a ‘what could have been’ which is in essence a very unnecessary way of tormenting myself within playing out these different scenarios of ‘what could have happened IF’ I had made this or that decision – instead, I have to completely take a deep breath, let go of that past and instead focus on what’s here for me to be, do, expand and create in my life – otherwise I’d be enslaving myself to ‘the past’ and spending my time feeling sorry about myself and my decisions, my perceived ‘failures’ and ‘mistakes’ instead of realizing how much I have also learned from that, including the first hand realization of what happens when I place myself in a ‘secondary position’ within the creation of a relationship and focusing on ‘doing it for the benefit of another’ which is again, not having a clear starting point within myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having created a relationship with a starting point of commiseration, which in fact does not reveal feeling ‘pity’ about another and their life and desiring to ‘make it all better for them only’ but rather  realizing that I was in fact as a starting point feeling pity about myself, about my life and how in doing so, I decided to create something within a flawed starting point resulting in an outcome that could obviously not stand ‘the test of time’ because of not having an equal relationship of self support in it, which I have come to accept and realize – though here for me, it is specifically about not seeing that whole creation point as ‘wasted time’ where I could have been doing other things, because the reality is that at that time I wasn’t seeing my life, my reality, my capacity and what I really want to live and do in my life as clearly as I consider I see it currently – which is part of also being considerate towards myself and not judge me for ‘the decisions I made’ in the past, or judge myself as being ‘too blind’ to see reality and then judge myself for the decisions made and the ‘failing’ outflows of such decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have avoided seeing my past relationship as a ‘failure’ due to seeing the word ‘failure’ as something that I would have avoided having in my life, instead of realizing how it’s actually a part of life, living, learning by making mistakes, taking ‘the wrong turn’ and making my way back to square one which does not only happen in relationships or over long periods of time, but it is something that I am prone to create in my day to day basis and as such I can only focus on identifying the ‘failure’ as a point to change and commit myself to do walking the correction, learning from it, but no longer judging myself for it.

Here I realize that I am the only one that has judged me all the way through in a very suppressed manner, which I have to now open up and come to terms with, because I definitely keep myself in a cage within this regret to ‘what I’ve done’ and ‘the choices I made’ within a certain phase in my life which is creating currently a ‘noise’ within me that is still causing me to not be entirely clear, accepting and embracing of myself, my current reality, my current decisions and point of self-creation, because of still in a very subtle way holding on to this ‘all that could have been different IF’ this/that decision in my life had been different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of pride within me to apparently be very aware of my decisions made, be very considerate of ‘who I was’ when I made the decisions and who I am currently in it – though in that not really looking at how I was still holding on a relationship to this ‘parallel life potential’ that I ‘could have developed’ if I had decided to for example go to the farm and develop myself there and how I have experienced a regret for not doing so and going into statements of ‘I really didn’t want to go there in fact’ when the reality is that any point of preference, dislike or ‘not wanting to’ is based on fears, limitations and not really wanting to be challenged in ways that I know I was challenged by when living there for a year, so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel regret for having made decisions in my life based on wanting to remain in a particular comfort zone and/or deciding to instead create a relationship wherein  my starting point was ‘wanting to change another/wanting to be ‘that change’ for another or in another’s life, instead of placing the focus on me first, what I really want for myself – though, here also realizing that I didn’t really ‘know’ exactly what I wanted or more like I didn’t dare to actually write it out and actively create it for myself back then, I was more within a position of ‘settling with the least’ in a way within me, which I manifested and lived out for some time until consequence – gladly so – hit the fan and I was able to wake up and start looking at what I had set up myself for.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed for the decisions I made, for who I became in the decisions made within again this starting point of ‘who I was in the past’ instead of realizing that I have to embrace, accept that nature of me at the time and that it is still a part of me that I have to continue to learn to change, align and embrace as an aspect of myself that I can only now redirect, change, redefine towards a supportive outcome, such as now not settling ‘for the least’ or within a perceived ‘comfort zone,’ but actually embrace and move towards creating a life where I know I can be more challenged, where I can get out of a comfort zone – which doesn’t necessarily mean having to wait to ‘go somewhere else’ but I can start doing so from where I am and how I currently am living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a resistance to going into places like Instagram because of avoiding seeing pictures of people at the farm, all the farm projects and developments and life there because of perceiving that I gave that up as part of my life and that I would become jealous of them having such lifestyle even though I am aware I ‘turned down’ that decision to go there and so this is of course not about ‘others’ and ‘their lives’ or ‘what they publish’ but it all has to do with my relationship of regret, of ‘what ifs’ and ‘all that could have been’ associated with this parallel-life path that I’ve held on to throughout several years now in my mind within this intermittent idea of ‘I should have gone there’ and having gone to live at the farm or not, instead of deciding to embrace my decision and stop creating a comparison of where I am and what I currently am doing with the lives of others.

Comparison can be such a fuckup really, because in that one only focuses on these ‘ideas’ of what others’ lives are like and what ‘my life’ could have been like, instead of focusing on what’s here, what’s in my reality, what I can do and create in it, as is and if there’s something I am not satisfied with then looking at expanding it – it’s entirely up to me and it’s in my hands – so here realizing that the healthiest thing to do is to entirely let go of this idea of ‘I should have gone there’ or ‘I let that opportunity go’ in that particular timeframe in the past, which of course is not ‘here’ any longer and as such, I have to remind myself any time that this ‘I should have gone there’ experience comes up,  that it’s done, it’s not ‘here’ anymore, I let go and focus on my reality within the simplicity of realizing I made such choices, I own my creation and stop wallowing in regret about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the belief of ‘being able to turn back time’ and seeing myself making a different choice because I am fully aware of who I was when I made certain decisions in my life and I did say such things to myself as ‘realizing that I am fully aware of my decision’ and being entirely into it at that time, which means that such idea as in ‘going back in time’ is nothing else but a very torturing mental entertainment that has no purpose in my reality.

I have to instead rather make sure I learn from such past, to learn how I made certain decisions within a belief of ‘benefiting others’ or ‘wanting to change others’ instead of focusing entirely on me, my life, what I want to create and co-create with another in the future to come, which is then where I can make sure that I am entirely committing to and agreeing with the path that I decide to walk – and no longer compromise within ideas of ‘benefiting others’ or ‘doing it for others’ in any way anymore, which has actually been quite a constant in my life where I’ve ended up living more ‘for others’ than living my own life fully and along with that create and establish relationships and plans that are equally supportive for all people involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having believed that I didn’t know what ‘regret’ was because ‘I was there all the way’ in making certain decisions and choices in my life and being ‘aware’ of that, but I see now that regret in me exists as this ‘holding on to’ the potential ‘what if’ scenario or ‘all that could have been’ different – usually imagined within a positive light – IF I had not taken this/that decision in my life, which is then how regret becomes a torturing mind entertainment that has no value in my current life, and therefore I let go of it within the realization that I can only now reflect on that time in my life, the decisions made and embrace it as part of ‘who I was’ and all its harms and charms at the time, which become experiences I can learn from and stand up from now in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I had to excuse myself towards others for my decisions made, that I had to ‘leave things clear for them’ only, instead of seeing that in doing so I was only trying to ‘clean up my act’ as a way to justify my decisions because I was the only one existing in a judgment and ultimately a regret about them, which has been opening up lately as I’ve seen people now making the decision to live in the farm which is something that I procrastinated for many years and eventually let go of as a possibility in my life, which I now embrace as my decision and my creation.

Now here not to make me feel better or go into hope, but that is gone, done, can’t go ‘back’ at all to change my mind and my decisions – but who knows also what I can decide to create in a future time and how I can finally ‘face the point’ again, maybe not in the same way I thought I would in the past years, but still as long as I am alive, I decide what kind of doors I open and close and this is the real focus here, being able to embrace my decisions, my past, my doings, my non-doings and stop judging myself for it all, because as I mentioned several times already it becomes torturing, emotional and a waste of breaths that I could be directing to what I truly have to focus on doing now.

So here I commit myself to stop giving into any potential outflows as imaginations of ‘all that could have been’ and ‘all the mistakes I could have prevented in my life’ If I had made this or that decision – I let go of the past while also embracing it as actually a very ‘necessary’ consequence in a way that I am now going through in order to see how far I can take myself when not focusing on ‘myself/my own life’ but more so focusing on ‘wanting to save/change others’ lives’ or ‘wanting to be there for others’ and/or even more so doing so in a form of spite of ‘demonstrating to others that I can care for another that has ‘not been cared for’ by others before’ and in a way realizing that ultimately I only spited myself back within deciding to have such starting point in my life and relationships – what is left to do? I can only forgive myself for it, embrace it, learn from it and let go of it to the point where I can recall ‘what has been,’ as the memories that I have in me and breathe every time any sensation of regret as ‘all that could have been’ idea comes into mind – and in that focus directly back to where I am, who I am, what I can do, be and create here where I’m at.

Ok, checking… empty of this point for now? seems so – therefore I’ll share anything else if it continues to open up as I walk this point real time. This is one of those examples of when we can interact with things even in our ‘computers’ and if we see something ‘moving’, we can take that initiative to investigate, open it up, write it out and in a way clear one’s relationship to the point/thing we saw that we had reacted to.

Thanks for reading !

 

A supportive audio to embrace and walk through one’s ‘backchat’ and learn to self-forgive it, is here:

Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

For more on Self-Forgiveness:


Difficult Moments of Self Forgiveness – Back to Basics

Realization and Forgiveness – Journeys Into the Afterlife – Part 90

Realizations Take Time to Create – Back to Basics

Real Forgiveness vs. Feel Good Forgiveness – Life Review

 

Nostalghia

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


582. From Resentment to Learning and Appreciating

 

Or walking through a revision of past relationships and learning to let go of ‘what once was’, keeping what was good while also opening up current opportunities to communicate and learn from myself and others.

So, continuing on the point of reconciliation within self and then extending it to some people in my life. It really only takes one’s will to get things done, a decision to look at it and in self-honesty just move and do the connections, do the writings, sending the messages or emails and get it done, I really have no excuse to do this nowadays with our multiple ways to connect through the internet, so it was just a matter of ‘doing it’ and so it’s done.

It was interesting to send messages to people that I know I had been particularly arrogant and short-sighted towards, in a way yes explaining a bit of my context back then in my interactions with them and how I’d like to apologize for my behavior and abrupt ways towards them. These are people that even if we are not ‘on the same page’ anymore, I’ve tested this out some two years ago with another past friend of mine how it was quite supportive to simply get in contact again, have some coffee together and get past the ‘itch’ of having ended up things in an ‘awkward way’ after being quite close friends – best friends actually – for a few years over a decade ago. In the same way I also decided to ‘touch base’ with another friend that I had also been procrastinating to contact for some months now and in a way reminding myself to not be the one that ‘let’s things dry’ because of not nurturing relationships, and in doing so forgetting how much I do enjoy sharing myself with people and not only in this format of writing a blog but in actual one on one communication.

I’ve looked at the word ‘miser’ lately and how I tend to in a way isolate myself, even more so when things are going quite stable, fine in my life and not consider sharing more of myself with others when things are ‘quite alright’ on my end. Meaning, I’ve seen how the pattern in my life has been of mostly keeping in contact with others when being ‘longing’ for communication or ‘desiring’ some kind of contact with others or feeling down and in a way wanting to establish a point of support for me through getting in contact with others. In other words, I’ve seen how in my case I had tended to create relationships because of not being ‘ok’ and ‘stable’ within myself, or having sought validation, appreciation or ‘self-worth’ through relationships and friendships. I realize how I haven’t yet decided to create relationships without having a ‘need’ for it such as having an experience of dread within me like feeling that ‘I need to talk to someone’ or out of wanting someone to ‘hear my problems’ or vice versa where I played ‘the savior’ with friends and partners as my way to be relevant in someone’s life, but that’s in the past.

So the new starting point is establishing communication is simply through making a decision to get to see how another is doing and where they’re at in their lives and simply saying ‘Hi! I’m here!’ and having no further pretense on it, which is what I decided to do today as a result of deciding to live the word reconciliation with certain people I had kept in a ‘bottle’ within myself tagged as ‘conflictive situations’ and had buried it somewhat deep down in the sands of time so as to apparently not have to ‘face them’ at any point again. But I know they come up in my awareness, therefore I knew that I still had to give a direction to it, which I did just today.

I’d like to share a bit about my physical experience while writing to both of them. A noticeable kind of ‘wavering’ emerged in my solar plexus, a bit of a heaviness as well because of believing ‘I don’t know where to start’ but didn’t dwell much on it. I started with whatever came up in the moment, something that has recently led me to think of them or remember them and from there share a bit more about myself, leading to going ‘straight to the point’ of what I consider I wanted to share with them for some time now which is apologizing for how I treated them before, explaining a bit of my context at the time and from there opening up the door for communication, and leave it at that.

It was also interesting how in a way as I was typing  – and this is rather unusual in me – I was kind of wanting to look away from the screen as I was typing lol, like looking towards the window as my fingers moved on across the keyboard (I can type without seeing the keyboard) so upon noticing these insta-moments of ‘wanting to look away’ I realized that it was me physically acting the remnants of this ‘admitting my silliness’ towards them and a bit of shame related to ‘what I’ve done’ towards these people and ‘owning’ my reaction through finally writing/touching base with them.

What was also important for me is to clear my starting point, meaning not contacting them out of guilt, out of ‘making up for’ the past or ‘redeeming’ myself with them – even though I apologized, it’s more a consideration of me towards them, but not out of guilt anymore –  it was more of a genuine decision to ‘open up’ to communicate, to be willing to follow through the communication and also making sure I hold no reactions, grudges, ideas, beliefs perceptions about ‘them’ or ‘the past’ or anything of that, but kind of create a ‘blank slate’ for them, anew, meeting them for the first time type of openness if you will.

I consider this is also part of the maturity to embrace our past, not judging it and being able to embrace what’s here in our current reality, no longer being limited by the past or holding relationships of ‘grudges’ and ‘sour times’ towards to others, but being self-forgiving towards it all.

You know how when we are kids – or sometimes not so ‘young’ but happens anyways – and we get flustered with each other for ‘silly reasons’ – hence the ‘reconciliation = recognizing the silliness in a situation’ – and how much we had to hold up this ‘tight face’ towards each other, yet how easy it was to also in a moment decide to ‘be friends again’ and be done with it at the same time, quite a more innocent approach for sure, which I can now integrate as the way to look at people: with innocence, anew, not ‘loading all my memories of the past’ next time I see them, but be ‘devoid’ of it all and work with what emerges in the moment.

To me there was a significant situation in my life where I was able to understand how ‘easy’ it was to get back to ‘being friends with’ someone even after years of not talking to each other. This happened with my cousin who later on became my best friend for quite a few years where we had a conflict, a ‘kids’ conflict’ – yes, literally fighting over a Barbie skirt or something like that or me being bothered by the roles she wanted to take on in ‘children’s play’ – and we got to a point of deciding not to talk to each other. I was like 5 and she was 6 and this lasted for some 5 years in fact. We would go to the same school every day, be taken to it in the same car and only speak the basics, but never hangout together. I still can’t believe how long it took us to get to ‘make peace’ with each other, which didn’t emerge from us, but through my aunt that decided to place us both in a situation of giving each other ‘the peace hand’ during a new year’s eve or Christmas after 5 years of not talking to each other, and from there on we were together for quite a few years in a very close manner.

I consider now how my ‘pre-teens’ and early teenage years would have been if I had not re-established my relationship with my cousin that way, and how I would have turned out if I had continued to live with a grudge and this ‘silly’ disconnection towards her for really ‘no reason’ at all other than each one of us having these ‘tough headed reasons’ of why we apparently disliked each other. Yet, when we finally made peace with each other, it was almost instantaneous that we could enjoy each other a lot along with the rest of our cousins. Though it seems I didn’t entirely learn from that situation at the time, because I did get to repeat same story in my life with a few people, some whom I see is also best to not contact for now because of yes, being in quite different ‘spots’ in our lives, though it’s also up to me to ensure that I am not holding any grudges or ‘hurt feelings’ towards them.

What I’ve been doing instead lately is to remember of all of these people that I’ve come to be in contact with and be friends with at some point in my life – no matter how long or short mostly from my teenage years on – and rather being grateful for them, for the times I got to spend with them, what I got to learn from them, how each one assisted me in their own ways to ‘open up’ to a world that would have been quite difficult for me to find and discover on my own. Therefore I’ve been also doing this ‘revisiting’ within myself towards these people in my life and changing my perspective towards them from only seeing ‘their defects, their problems, the justifications why I stopped being friends with or in a relationship with them’ to rather ‘keeping all the good’ that I did learn from them, that I got to enjoy from them and that I have in fact integrated as parts of myself and who I am without being consciously aware of it. Therefore turning my relationship towards them within myself from existing in a grudge to gratefulness, of learning from each and remembering in essence all the cool stuff that I did get to learn, live and express with and through my relationships with them.

This has assisted me in also stop seeing my past relationships as ‘a fuckup’ or only as a bundle of ‘problems’ or ‘conflicts’ and whatever else stands in a negative stance. This has only been possible to do as I also have been changing the way I see my life and how I see people, stopping focusing on all the flaws, the heavy judgments I used to constantly rehash about everything and everyone and instead decide to cherish the supportive stuff, that which I genuinely learned from and enjoyed in and from them.

Now this is also a way to turn nostalgia into something practical too, because I had tended to become very ‘nostalgic’ about my past that I either idealized within a ‘positive’ experience or the complete opposite. What I’ve done is to instead be more objective and going reviewing ‘each person’ that in a way has made an impact in my life and seeing the words they lived, the aspects I liked about them, what ‘attracted me to them’ and from there seeing how I can live these words within myself. This makes of this ‘remembering’ or ‘revisiting’ process something a lot more supportive than just rewinding memories and creating a yearning for the past or something like that, which is not ‘here’ not for them, not for me, not for anyone really.

So, this becomes a much more tangible thing to do in a way to also create a reconciliation with my past, with how I related to people back in the day and yes why not? seeing what can be re-established in relation to them currently – or also using imagination in a supportive manner to see ‘who would I be’ if I see them again, would I hide and pretend I don’t see them or would I gladly approach them to talk to them? The latter is what I decide to do, which is not something that comes ‘natural’ to me, because I’ve seen how when being caught up in the moment fear has emerged and I’ve done the ‘hiding and pretend you don’t see them’ before, but I decide to change this because hiding and pretending not to see means there are memories, things I am still reacting to, fearing or defining of myself in relation to them, and there’s no point in continuing that, because I have in essence nothing to ‘hold on to’ of my past any longer.

This is therefore merely the outflow and practical process of in fact ‘letting go’ of the past and what it means to practically not react to memories and people ‘of my past’ and instead learn to see them as: people! Yes, sure,  people I connected with in various levels before, but I can decide to no longer see them as ‘a memory’ but focus on who they are currently and take it from there, which is the same approach I definitely would like others to create towards me: to bury all hatchets and start anew, because hell, yes I’ve done this for myself within this process, giving myself that ‘blank slate’ and ‘starting over’ in so many aspects, so it’s about time to extend it to many other ways ‘outside’ of myself too.

Thanks for reading!

Check out these supportive audios to walk through similar points in your life

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Life Review – The Relationship between Fear, Guilt and Shame

How to Transcend Shame and Transform It to Integrity – Part 170

Guilt: Understanding Guilt – Atlanteans – Part 123

Shame, Shame, Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 58

Redefining Integrity – Reptilians’ Support – Part 171

It’s too Late for Me – The Future of Consciousness – Part 78

Wall of Shame – Quantum Systemization – Part 69

 

 Rooting Back

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


578. Shedding the Past and Creating the New

Or sharing some of the process involved in giving myself authority to create the new version of me that I can be proud of living in

Something that I’ve become aware of is a hindrance to creating the new within us is keeping ourselves captive to our own words, thoughts, emotions, feelings as memories of ‘who we have been’ and believing that we don’t have the authority to step out of that and create for ourselves a fresh start every day. As simple as it might sound, it seems that we create our own limitations based on ‘who we have been’ and ‘how we’ve always done things’ and ‘how we’ve always behaved’ and believe that there’s no way around this, that this is ‘it’ and we have to carry our burdens for a lifetime. That’s definitely not so.

 I’ve discovered through walking this process with Desteni that I have been able to reinvent myself and slowly but surely give myself the authority to actually become the person I many times envisioned I would ‘like to be’ but, somehow in my mind, had believed ‘I didn’t have it in me’ to become the kind of person I would mostly admire when it comes to women or be attracted to when it comes to males, because that’s the way that I was identifying all the aspects/words/potentials that I saw others living in their lives. Yet at the same time, I would think of myself as ‘not having what it takes’ to ‘pull that off’ so to speak… who decides? I was, in my mind existing in fears, ideas, limitations, thinking what will ‘others say about this/that,’ ‘that would be so out of character for me to do’ and all other kinds of ideas, beliefs and justifications adorning fears to actually give myself an opportunity to reinvent myself, to create myself anew.

This sounds like a ‘transcendental’ process in fact and it might be to a certain extent, but it isn’t really something that complex when one realizes the ability we have to ‘step out of the preprogrammed ways’ in every moment of our lives, it is as simple as that, we just sometimes or ‘usually’ fear ‘the unknown’ that comes with it instead of realizing that we can trust ourselves to become the new, test it out, live it out and see if it is in fact supportive and beneficial for oneself or not and go back to the drawing board to test out something different instead.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we were talking about our past as ‘the Grinch kind of people’ that would be ‘anti’ everything: anti-capitalists, anti-consumerism, anti-social, anti-government, anti-politics and the rest of it, which was interesting to see how much we could relate to seeing how many doors we closed in our lives because of standing in such position of ‘this is who I am, it is the right way, it is the just way/the right way and whatever I say will help you to wake up!’ which interestingly enough he also mentioned this could have assisted some to ‘open eyes’ to investigate reality – which surely, can be so to a certain extent – but I also shared how in my process, I had to ask myself ‘who am I’ within such stance/what’s my starting point in it within such criticism and ‘awakened’ type of mentality I was carrying as myself, and how I had found a lot of antagonism, criticism, rebelliousness, superiority, righteousness and in essence creating a ‘fight against the world’ that led me to become a misanthrope at times, which all comes from an arrogant superiority believing myself to be ‘corrected’ already, instead of seeing that I was still then being part of the problem, being only criticizing, judging but not really proposing any ways to change things, starting within myself.

“How did you manage to change?” he asked and I shared that it was part of this same process of self-support with Desteni, getting to understand my responsibility to it all to no longer stand ‘against’ everything and everyone, but to apply understanding, to rather find ways to better relate to each other, to find the common ground even in our plethora of disparities and opinions/judgments/beliefs and all of those things that have come to separate us even if they only exist in our minds.

That’s how I shared that even though I had focused a lot on possible changes at a political and economic level, the ball kept falling back again and again on the front of individual self-change, and how the nature of the system is nothing else but the nature of the relationships we have forged ‘against’ – currently – one another, and how with people taking responsibility for that self-change first, then the idea of a ‘new system’ becomes more plausible. He agreed with that, even though in his own path he’s also contributing within the economic realm at a local level, he considered again how relevant it is for us to yes, be informed, educate ourselves about the nature of the systems, the potential solutions and the rest of it – but not to forget about that inner/self-change, a change of mind, a change of consciousness so to speak which to him is more in the sense of ‘getting more in touch with yourself’ which surely is a growing trend I’d say, and it’s great in whichever ways people find it supportive.

There’s this song that starts saying ‘to change the world is to change personal perspective’ and it is so, I’ve been seeing for myself what it is to stop seeing the eyes through the ‘giving up on myself/humanity’ eyes where everything seemed gloomy, dismal, pointless, depressed, angry, antagonistic… because I was projecting my own experience onto everyone else and I wasn’t even aware of it. Whereas now through having walked my own experiences related to only seeing ‘the bad’ in the world, all the problems, all that’s ‘out of place’ according to me, the actual change emerged when I was able to give myself this openness, this opportunity to change me, to breakthrough, to create myself ‘anew’, to create and work on my potential and to stop holding myself as a victim to my own past, but instead embrace the potentials I can forge in my life.

This is also why self-forgiveness comes into play as a key tool to do this, because no one will give us this permission, no one else will give us ‘the green light’ we keep waiting for, but ourselves. We have to stand as that authority itself. I’ve been testing this out for myself and breaking my own ‘oaths’ that I thought I could not ever step back from in my absolutist mindset. Like saying ‘I will shave my head for the rest of my life’ and breaking that set of words that to me was something I had to stick to because ‘I said so and I cannot backup from that!’ and in that become an absolutist by my own will, instead of being self-honest about what would be most practical and ‘normal’ thing to do for me… that was a huge part of creating this new phase within me as well, of letting go of my own dictatorship and break my own rules so to speak, to decide to ‘create the next phase’ of self-creation and no one else was going to do it for me! I had to decide and do it for myself.

The same with saying ‘I won’t ever do this/that,’ well I’ve found myself doing it and testing who I am within it and then assess what is best for me or not, but no longer create an ‘unbreakable’ idea of myself that became so rigid, so authoritarian and absolutist that became my own invisible cage in which I thought I was comfortably living in. Might be a point of a comfort zone indeed, there’s a false sense of security when sticking to ‘the good old’ apparently, but I’ve found that this is a great lie we tell ourselves. With time this becomes a hindrance, a great limitation and a great source of bitterness and dissatisfaction because deep within ourselves we are aware we could live in an enjoyable manner, we could do things differently, we could Live differently altogether and be the way that we ‘dreamed’ ourselves of living as, and when we don’t dare to do it, we go day by day cementing all the reasons, justifications, fears and excuses of why we apparently ‘can’t do it’ – that’s the illusion to break through, to push through and give ourselves that creative authority to create the new.

So, to answer to my friend, I said that the most significant change emerged when I changed within myself and so started seeing people/humanity/the world and its potential. This was not such an ‘easy’ thing to do initially due to how ingrained all of my personalities, perspectives, ‘ways of being’ were all attached to me holding this defeatism as myself and so projecting it towards the world, to the point of having preferred everything to just ‘be gone’ in one moment than me giving myself a chance to see and work with the potentials, which is what I am focusing on now. Also, making it simple, not trying to engulf the whole world in my own hands and try and do ‘everything’ or try to ‘change the world out there’ – but take my own life, walk through my own limitations, expand myself and what I’ve been ‘doing’ and going breaking my own barriers that way, little by little, one step at a time as it is said.

The benefits of doing this for myself is the definition of actual freedom, which is interestingly enough related to push through wanting to ‘go through the easy way out’ or through ‘the route of less effort’ and instead, see the benefits that come with actually dedicating ourselves to get to know who we are, seeing our flaws, our problems, our ‘weaknesses’ and start deciding and working on how can we start changing all of those aspects that we dislike about ourselves that are holding us captive to a decadent past.

There are many ways to do this, I can only speak of and recommend the one that I’ve walked and continue applying in my day to day living, which is the Desteni I Process and the community of support that we are all as Desteni, supporting, sharing, learning from each other to expand and grow together as years go by, to walk this process that -even if being apart by long distances – know that we got each other to share what we go through, to assist each other in understanding the practical ways to walk through this, because let’s be honest: doing this process of change is not a ‘common thing’ in this world as of yet – it’s sort of getting there but not yet – so being part of a supportive community makes a complete difference to it, in essence,  you know you’re not alone in doing it no matter how ‘far’ we are from each other and that’s comforting as well, a sense of brotherhood is created and knowing that from the ‘few’ we might be right now, there are the many to awaken to this potential in all of us and join in, in whichever way or form they decide to do so. It’s happening, this is the new way of living, and we are the only ones that can decide to start doing so for ourselves.

Thanks for reading.

And! Watch this hangout that I had with Garb as well, it was very cool to share our perspectives on redefining and living words, all of it based on the great source of support that Eqafe.com is

Eqafe Hangout: How to Stop Overcomplicating Redefining & Living Words.

Also this series to learn how to support ourselves/each other, learning to see the potential in each other rather than bringing us down constantly

Perspective Vs Interpretation – Reptilians – Part 565

Perspective Versus Interpretation (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 566

The As Is Glasses – Reptilians – Part 567

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557. Self-Leadership and the Message of Jesus

 

Being that today is a ‘Holy day’ it is a good opportunity to share some of the less seen perspectives that I’ve learned from Jesus’ leadership and message for humanity, one that we have squandered – for the most part – and turned into an image to idolize, instead of living the actual message of life in equality and developing ourselves to our utmost potential.

I was translating today the following audio The Birth of a Leader Begins with Self – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 105 which is in fact part of a series that speaks a lot about self-leadership and it was very supportive for me because it confirmed what I am seeing as a potential within myself to become and be part of the people that can assist many others to birth themselves as life, to walk this process, to tap into their utmost potential and essentially use my experience within this process – as well as what’s yet to come – in order to expand this potential to many more people that decides to start walking this process in their lives.

I also was translating another particularly interesting recording wherein Anu compares his leadership to that of Jesus and so he recognizes how Jesus’ intent and living purpose was effective in the sense of him ‘giving up’ his personal life (desires, wants and needs) in a way in order to place the message as his own life as an example for the few that surrounded him and became his disciples – who later on replicated the message and made it reach many more, albeit somewhat corrupted through the institutions this message came to be distributed through. But there are key principles that remain there such as the ones that are openly shared as part of the Desteni Message and that I have come to embrace and remind myself of and practice as I go: love thy neighbor as thyself, give as you would like to receive and do onto others as you would like to be done onto. Those are practical ways to live the message of equality.

However I’ll here focus on the very significant part that Jesus mentioned in this interview I cited above where there’s an actual openness for each one of us to consider living the message that was in essence truncated when he had his time on Earth, which was not to ‘follow’ him as a person, not to idolize him, but to realize we all could be and stand equal to him as self-leaders, as equal-leaders, where each one of us can develop and live to our utmost potential, which invariably then becomes a force of life in each one of us that can slowly but surely throughout generations result in the ‘change of the world’ many of us strive for, but it all starts with one being willing to live as such example, to share how we are walking this self-process and to assist in whichever way we can those that are also walking this process in their locations and realities around the world.

To me the internet is the way to now be and create our own hubs of ‘spreading the message’ of life in equality, of self-responsibility, of self-honesty where things like blogs, vlogs, group discussions can be shared around, reaching out to people that we would not have dreamed of possibly getting to prior to the invention of the internet. So, we have the infrastructure, the networking where all that is needed is us continuing to stand in such self-directed/self-leadership positions where we understand that ‘showing and sharing the way’ creates a potential for many more to wake up and see the potential that there is in this world, despite our continuous newsfeeds letting us know of new attacks in the Middle East, despite a few presidents going awry of their initial promises to stop war, despite the vast consequences that we’re facing in this world, I bet that what Jesus would come and share through his Facebook or twitter feed, would be to not lose sight of our potential, to not let ourselves be debased by only seeing the doom and gloom, the consequences of yes, what we’ve collectively created.

I bet he would suggest to focus on develop our self-leadership, on becoming assertive, directive, self-responsible, on being the example in our reality, being the best that we can be in our relationships with others, be living self-forgiveness in thought, word and deed and within doing so heal and restore the burnt bridges we’ve set alight in our endless quarrels against each other.

A message of unit might seem too challenging for now, therefore what I see is most viable is to start with a self-unity, because in doing so, learning how to in fact be embracing the totality of ourselves, we surely become a force of life that can be shared, taught, assisted to be lived by many more as well, and that’s what I take as my purpose in life, one that I didn’t have before I got to know the Desteni message which is nothing else but the Jesus Message as well. It is not an ‘easy’ one when we are hardwired to defend our egos at all cost, but it is the most honorable path to walk for sure.

So let’s continue to share ourselves, continuing to read and learn from each other because that’s what nurtures our lives and that’s what makes everything so much more substantial in the midst of seemingly ‘endless chaos’ at a global system level, that’s where we genuinely can do our part – wherever we are, no matter ‘what we do’ – where we stand united by principle and embodying this self-leadership as self-direction, enjoying ourselves within discovering and tapping into our living potentials and continuing ‘pass it on’ with the passion that Jesus did during his time on Earth.  

Thanks for reading

For those that are ready, here’s the series The Crucifixion of Jesus at Eqafe.com

And the particular trilogy I mentioned at the beginning of this blog to understand what Jesus’ role in this life process is really all about.

1.      What is Leadership to You? – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 103

2.      What is Blocking the Leader Within You? – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 104

3.      The Birth of a Leader Begins with Self – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 105

 

 

 

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517. Mirroring Judgments

Or self-forgiving the judgments that I have believe ‘others create’ towards me and discover: it’s always been me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate getting to write about the subject of ‘what will others say’ because of considering that then I will have to confront my own expectations, which is in fact what I have to do in order to walk through my own fears, expectations or experiences that I’ve created around the topic of ‘sharing’ myself about what I have defined as not ‘favorable’ or not a ‘positive outcome’ for myself – yet, I have to realize this is the way that I allowed myself to define it as a ‘negative outcome’ which is a negative charge I am deciding to imprint on it based on how I initially judged it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong sharing something based on my own prejudices, ideas, beliefs about ‘being judged back’ or being perceived as a ‘failure’ in the outcome of my sharing, instead of realizing that all of that which I believe others will say, think or react like is in fact based on my own ideas, judgments that I am imposing onto myself based on my own beliefs, ideas and expectations of how I would have liked my life to go, what I consider would have been the ideal outcome and therefore upon seeing that this is not the case, I would prefer not to confront what I am defining as a ‘negative outcome’ which is a way in which I have also decided to judge the situation – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the outcome of my creation in a negative way and consider myself a ‘failure’ for it based on the expectations I had placed on myself within it and who I was throughout it all – but here I have to make peace with the fact that not everything is ‘under my control’ and that not everything depended on my own actions or inactions to make something work as intended – therefore, being able to remind myself who I was from the beginning to end of a point of creation which is my point of self-honesty, instead of participating within my own projections and prejudices about supposed judgments that ‘others’ might say which are in fact the ways I judged myself for this outcome in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see me through what I believe are ‘the eyes of others’ as judgments, beliefs, expectations when in fact those eyes are my own eyes and in any case if there were any judgments, opinions and perceptions towards ‘me’, it would define the people that create such judgments which is something we rarely get to acknowledge whenever we judge: we do it to ourselves, not to ‘others’ – therefore, here I have to stop being my ‘own worst judge’ and ‘expecting the worst’ because this is only created in my own mind based on an idea, belief or perception that I wanted to ‘keep’ having about myself, when in fact in self-honesty, whatever I create or participate on doesn’t define ‘me’ but who I was throughout the whole point of creation, my starting point in it Is what’s relevant to look at for myself- which is my self-honesty to work with – and that’s something I can fully stand with and by for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the pattern of ‘caring too much about what others will say or think about me’ when I have even blamed this pattern to familiar influence but I realize that I made it my own, based on how I have been very quick to judge back as well and in this what I am looking at as a ‘fear of what others might say,’ is in fact my own creation based on how I have been the one that has participated in judging others about their life situations, life choices and decisions – never realizing that any opinion I might have created about ‘others’ lives’ is in fact defining me – not others –

Therefore, I take responsibility to now seeing how what I am creating in my own mind as ‘fear of what others might say’ is nothing else but my own capacity to be ‘too quick to judge’ and not looking back at myself as the origin of such judgment and how it defines ‘who I am’ in my mind – nothing and no one else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to for a moment hesitate on making a decision in my life because of ‘what others would say’ and placing more weight, value and importance on ‘others’ or ‘others’ ideas, perceptions or possible judgments’ instead of my own, which is still a point to look at when that became a major source of worry, concern, nervousness and even anxiety  instead of simply focusing on myself: my life, my decision, my process, my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be having in the back of my head the notion of ‘what will others think about me’ because of not having a ‘regular job’ that many people have in a particular ‘system’ position and in doing so, diminishing the work and responsibilities that I have in the belief that ‘others have no way of validating my work because it’s not in a ‘recognized by the system’ institution’ – which is in fact my own judgment, my own value that I have given to certain institutions or credentials which I then turn back at myself as the idea of ‘others judging myself for it’ – but in fact, this is all existent and coming from my own ways and methods in which I have allowed myself to ‘gauge’ people and ‘who they are’ within certain values in a system –this way, I only recreate a world where ‘brands’ and certain ‘names’ have different worth and value than others – just as an image as a ‘name’ or a ‘brand’ – instead of focusing on the actual substance, the actual worth and value for life that such ‘brand or name’ represents, which in my case I completely stand with what I do and how valuable this work is not only for me but for the rest of humanity as a whole, therefore I stop supporting and recreating ‘values’ within me according to ‘institutional system values.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an outcome where people won’t take me seriously if they find out that there is one point in my life that I didn’t follow through ‘all the way to its end’ or to a ‘desired outcome’ and that it will drive my credibility, my own personal stance ‘down the drain’ when this is just a mind-bullying type of thought I am allowing within myself, because if it is one point in my life that I am judging myself for and allowing that to completely define the ‘totality’ of who I am, I am then demonstrating how I am the one absolutist that can also completely debase something or someone for ‘one single point’ and use that one point to define an entire person and who they are, which again it shows me that it’s not about ‘what others think or do’ but about my own judgments and what I then in turn do to myself when allowing me to ‘judge others’ with the same measuring stick so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as the person that cannot have proper relationships, not even if ‘trying’ hard for it at the eyes of friends or relatives, when in fact I am seeing that I’ve become my own worst judge when it comes to this topic, because of already fueling this point with several experiences, leading me to a ‘fear of failure’ and in that, creating my ultimate outcome within it which is having to end a particular relationship in order to demonstrate where and how I have not been entirely honest with myself in my starting point and my creation. This means, if my starting point is of fearing something, then the outcome is having to walk through that fear and end up on the other side seeing ‘hey I’m still here’ and realize the self-compromise that I caused to myself when accepting a point of fear in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to what I perceive relatives have to say about me and my life because of ‘knowing’ that they are ‘always very quick to judge’ – but even if were, this is about me being able to for once and for all stop giving too much attention to what others have to create as a judgment in their own minds, which means it defines who they are and how they perceive others, including myself – yet here I am focusing on how I can take responsibility for my OWN judgment towards other people perceiving them as judgmental, which makes me judgmental by default too – and that’s how I become the one origin and source of ‘fear of judgment’ all the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear about what others have to say about my life, my decisions and choices, which are all based on memories where yes, I would get reprimanded and judged for my choices while growing up, but that is how things were ‘then’ based on my age and the lack of perspective I had which yes surely, got me through making some mistakes that I have been able to stand up from – and even those that I can still ‘repeat’, precisely through consequences I have been able to become aware of it so that I can consider them to stand corrected in it all as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as a ‘failure’ by others, which is only how I am judging myself and this particular outcome as such, when in fact I can redefine it as a point of deciding to stand for what I truly honor and respect which is the life in myself and others, and how what might be perceived at others’ eyes as consciousness as a ‘failure’ I am aware of my decision, my parameters, my choices, where I stood in it all and the clarity in which I make my current life decisions – or when I don’t, and so own my creation.

Therefore here what I have to stop focusing on is on the notion of ‘judgments’ and instead focus on my own self-honesty: seeing what can I learn from my mistakes, what I can learn about my starting points for self-creation, where could I have done things differently, defining for me which were the points where I compromised myself, where would I have had to stand up and didn’t do so – and all of these are actually supportive things that even if one doesn’t get to create an ‘ideal’ outcome in one’s life, one can still learn from it, grow from it and continue walking the path of self-creation.

I realize how easy I have been ‘too quick to judge’ on many aspects and in this becoming dismissive and limiting, not only towards ‘others’ but towards myself and there is a whole lot of humbleness to be considered here.

Because what I am seeing is hiding behind all of this initial ‘fear of judgment’ is in fact the idea or notion that ‘I am supposed to know better’ and ‘I should have known better’ or ‘I don’t make mistakes’ or ‘I am flawless’ which is quite the ego-trip there that I need to also debunk for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that behind the notion of ‘fearing others’ judgments’ is in fact my own ideas, beliefs and perceptions about myself being ‘superior’ to others or ‘knowing better’ which has to come to an end whenever I am faced with reality and realizing that all of those were mostly ego-trips that I placed myself upon which have no context with reality, which is that of the principles that I am standing for: life in equality, where there is no superior, no inferior – we’re all equal as life and in this, any ego-trip of knowing better is only that, a personality, a character that is actually created based on a perception of ‘being inferior’ at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am based on notions of superiority or inferiority to others, existing in comparison where I have allowed myself to judge me based on ‘values’ or ‘measuring sticks’ that I have at the same time adopted from society, from what I have learned to judge as ‘valuable’ or ‘important’ or ‘good enough’ etc. – all of which is devoid of actual common sense and living-values, which I therefore have to completely cease to exist as within myself to stand in fact as an individual within self-responsibility in my creation, without judgments – simply focusing on a point of self-creation, walking it through, working on whichever adjustments or changes need to be done, start over whenever it is necessary and keeping at it.

This then implies more of a focus on my own mind, my own adjustments, my own corrections to live by which in fact then will create the outflow of stopping focusing on ‘others’ and focus on myself, on living these principles and corrections I’m seeing I haven’t fully embraced as myself and that way, render judgments, opinions, beliefs and perceptions as the mind-values they are that define ‘who we are’ as the mind, as a system that I decide not to live by, but stand up as life.

This then creates in turn a very nice outcome for me here where the point is taken entirely back to self, back to seeing what I accept and allow not only in these judgments and points I wrote out here, but in general towards anything or anyone because we are the ones that create the validity to our judgments, beliefs or perceptions by acting on them, by giving importance to them – therefore if I stop participating in all of those perceptions and instead focus on what is Here as life as myself, as my potential, as my creation to develop = then that’s the outcome that I create not only for me but for everyone else.

And that’s how the focus on ‘others is debunked and turned entirely back to self.

 

 

 

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496. Humming as a Suppression

Or how I’ve used humming/singing to myself as a way to not look at things that caused a moment of conflict in me

I’ve noticed how there are very subtle ways of suppression, which are like ways in which I ‘swipe’ a thought, a glimpse, a memory of something that comes up when I am doing something completely different and in that moment the tendency is to… start ‘singing’ or ‘humming’ some kind of tune, lol.

I’ve proved it to be so every single time. I’ll describe one of them.

I was cooking breakfast and suddenly in a split moment, I had the memory of what I defined as an ‘awkward’ social situation where I didn’t know how to greet people, how to present myself based on the fact that we were at a funeral – so this was last week – and I also didn’t know how common it is to smile upon greeting others in such situations, but I did it anyway though judged my expression in that moment because of perceiving it might have been ‘too vain’ to do that towards others.

So when I was cooking, the image of greeting this couple in that one moment where I accessed the experience of ‘social awkwardness’ was coming up within me to re-look at it, it was a moment I could have taken as a reminder that ‘Hey! you accessed some experience while greeting this people, you can look at it now!’ – But, instead of actually deciding to ‘click’ on that image so to speak and look at what’s in it and understand the points I was suppressing in relation to my experience in that one moment, I started humming a song, lol. This is not the first time it has happened and afterward I notice what I do which is to ‘shut up’ my glimpses of memories or situations that are usually moments where there is something for me to look at, somewhere in that moment I accessed an emotion or a feeling, or ‘left me a bad taste’ in experience, there’s always something in those seemingly ‘small moments’ that come back as this insta-memories/flashbacks and also in an insta-moment I start humming, which I’ve now identified as a defense mechanism, a way to ‘shut myself up’ but also a way to suppress those points that actually caused a certain ‘shift’ in me and so were coming up again for me to look at them.

Every single time after I do the singing or humming I realize I just ‘shoved aside’ something that I could look at and the point is that because of not looking into it in the moment, I ‘forget’ and it’s gone. This last time that it happened – a week ago – I made a note of it and that’s how I remember exactly what the image was as that ‘still’ that came up in my mind while making breakfast and how I suppressed looking into that moment for me to realign and correct in myself.

Here in that memory I can establish the points to self-forgive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access an experience of ‘social awkwardness’ which is related to not knowing what was the ‘right thing to do’ upon greeting people and doubting myself when it comes to it being ‘ok’ for me to smile or not, based on the belief that due to being in a funeral, I probably should act reserved and sad looking – but at the moment I wasn’t, therefore I should not manipulate my expression in that moment out of morals or ‘what is correct to do’ but simply make sure the expression is moderated, not too ecstatic either as that would imply another emotion or feeling for me to look at.

I also realize that in those moments even if the situation is quite ‘dull’ for most, a greeting toward and among the living can be supportive and a smile Is what I’d like to get from people even in such tough situations, as a way of reminding ourselves also that our lives go on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to many times before doubt myself in social situations as if I was expecting someone else to tell me what’s right or wrong to do in such situations, but the reality is that I can only trust myself in expressing myself in the moment, being considerate of the environment yes, but not manipulating myself either to show an emotion based on an idea of what ‘one is supposed to feel like’ in a funeral, and here also then stopping the accepted and allowed nature of situations like funerals where we tend to lower our voices and act in a very constricted manner, when in fact it is only ourselves individually in our minds and bodies that recreate these social conditions based on a mind’s reaction and experience, which is what here in this process I am deciding to become the directive principle of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my greeting among people that I didn’t really know before yet I proceeded to greet as I do others usually and here then I have to let go of any ‘rules’ I may have learned in relation to only shaking hand if people are ‘new’ to me or giving a cheek kiss to the ladies, and this I can do every time, that way I decide to establish the way in which I relate to others regardless of being a previously known or ‘new-known’ person lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a shift in my being when greeting new people and doubting, questioning, over analyzing ‘how I should act’ towards them, but there is nothing or no one that is going to tell me ‘how to’ lol – so I have to stand on my ground and simply make a decision to greet in a comfortable manner, not assessing ‘who’ they are, but simply realizing that if they are in the same ‘event’ or environment as myself, then I can greet and get to know them if the opportunity is there, or sometimes I’ve also asked them like ‘who are you’ but again, I restricted myself due to the ‘funeral’ situation, which I can also let go of and simply embrace as any other event, not making It something too ‘solemn’ in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my expression around others in a funeral, believing that if I showed myself as somewhat comfortable or expressive, it would go ‘against the tide’ in that situation, when in fact I don’t have to do this, of course as I said previously, measuring my expression at the same time, not to ‘bombastic’ lol in situations like that, nor manipulate myself into a facial expression and voice expression that I would be faking based on how I perceive the context must be.

Therefore I commit myself to embrace myself in every single moment of my expression, no matter ‘who’ I greet and in this, ensure that I am the one that is deciding to express and leave social conventions, ideas, expectations behind because those are usually limiting ourselves to perpetuate particular ‘set ups’ that are not genuinely supportive.

I mean, if I give to others as I’d like to give to myself, I’d like to greet someone that can at least be a bit cheerful in situations where majority are not doing ok, so I can be that one point if/when situations like this arise and if I am also experiencing emotions in such situations, to also not be ashamed of it because it can cause a situation where I then go into a ‘shift’ based on ‘what will others say’ which I recognize this time I just ‘let it be’ for a moment when it did emerge and that was ok, so what bothered me the most or what caused the most inner conflict is ‘who to be’ if I wasn’t experiencing any particular sadness or emotion based on the context.

For now I also realize that as a point of correction for myself and my expression in humming and singing to myself, I have to make it a clear decision wherein I also know How it is when I decide to ‘bring a song here’ and I start singing along to it, and when it becomes this ‘tune’ I just invent in a moment and sing in an unaware moment = that’s the suppression and so whenever I see myself doing that or even more so, whenever I see myself in that quantum moment of passing from the ‘insta-memory’ to wanting to start humming, I have to stop myself completely from ‘doing the humming’ and instead focusing on the memory, making a note of it either in my mind by looking at it with intent of Seeing it, acknowledging that moment that’s coming up again – and/or write it out, make a note of it with pen and paper so that this point doesn’t go unnoticed, and then continue doing what I was doing in stability, ensuring that if I decide to ‘hum along’ to something, it comes out of an emptiness in me, not as a way to mask the remembrance of a generally uncomfortable experience in me in a recent past moment that is right there, up in my mind again for me to look at it.

So I don’t have to hide from myself in those moments, I can actually be grateful that it’s popping up like jack in the box for me to re-look at a moment where I did not apply myself, did not change in the moment and so take now the time to look at it so that I can correct myself and apply in coming similar situations in my life.

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488. Social Expectations and Self-Honesty

Or how to face a situation like a funeral in a balance of what is politically correct and what is our genuine expression in the moment.

For the last two days I was in a situation of facing the death of a close person and the attendance of a funeral for the second time ever in my life and to say the least, I had not yet created a way in which I can trust myself in those situations considering there are several aspects that I got to take into account, leading to a situation where I doubted myself at times that can be uncomfortable yet entirely self-created of course. So I’ll share here the raw process of me going through the whole lay out of the points and the self-forgiveness process wherein I establish common sense and points for me to correct/align in future similar situations.

Even if I had dealt with the sadness point about this person eventually dying it an accepting it, realizing that as we know, no one ever really dies and he’s probably facing his process in the afterlife right now, at the same time having to also be participating in all the processes that come after the person dies with the family became a new set of situations that I had not faced in my life therefore they became quite a part of myself to get to know and investigate further.

First of all, saw a dead person for the first time in my life. I saw myself not wanting to do it based on some kind of fear of ‘seeing a dead person’ but I did it in order to do it for once and for all and I found it a bit disturbing to say the least, I judged doing so as a form of morbid move as if there was something ‘to see’ in a dead body at the same time, which ended up being a printed image in my mind that I got stuck on for some time, seeing myself imagining how I would look dead, how my partner would look dead, how my parents will look dead and in that moment I said to myself like ‘whoa wait a minute what am I participating on?’ which was of course just a mental stimulation with no practical use, not even if for the purpose of getting comfortable with the idea of all of us dying at some point anyways, because it’s not here so, just indulging in imagination about it won’t certainly be supportive at this very moment.

Many times before I’ve skipped funerals altogether, I did not see the point and also feared seeing others sad and so fearing myself becoming sad and in a powerless situation. But after a while of reading others’ experiences and considerations around funerals, I decided to attend and be part of most of the processes involved in it this time and ensuring that I was making a decision to do so as my own volition, not self-compromise, but this wasn’t entirely so in various moments where I consider I succumbed my idea/belief or perception of what others’ expectations were based on the situation, where I saw myself being torn into what I consider my self-honesty in those moments and doing what I thought was going to ‘please others’ based on expectations of what to be and do in such situations where people are visibly mourning.

One thing I recalled from my first funeral I attended back in 2001 is how I could not feel a thing, therefore I started thinking myself into sadness in order to cry and then feel like I had been up to the expectations of what goes on in a funeral. This time I decided to be there for my own sake and to be with my family which I can say is my family even if ‘political’ but have spent many times together with them so, yep it was  of course sad for me but we got to know of this situation coming more than a month ago, so there was time to process it yet I found myself still not entirely settled in ‘who I am’ in moments of mourning and what to say or do to support others.

So here I’m starting to investigate my experience and make sense of it: what am I aware of? I made the decision to be accompanying the family in all the processes, from the waiting of the funerary services, which means seeing the body on the bed ‘as is,’ to seeing it leave to the funerary, to accompanying it to the funerary, to waiting for it to be received, etc. I saw it also as a learning experience, a first time in it all while also wanting to be of support in any way I could around there.

This part I found myself a bit too clumsy on, which might be a judgment. To me there was not so much of a point to have so many considerations for a body there, while I know that the being is no longer there and then it’s just a matter of rather being there for the family. It was surprising to find out about all the procedures and legal situations that need to be directed when a person dies – again, it was a learning experience but I also saw myself a bit conflicted in terms of whether I had to present myself in a particular situation or not. I decided to simply be a point of tranquility and stability during that phase to assist in any  way I could – but there wasn’t anything I got to actually ‘do’ in it all but just be there.

This ‘just be there’ clicks in me as if it was something that was ‘not enough’ or ‘minimal’ but it is me, it’s my presence, not defined through a ‘doing’ per se, but we were there the same way that we had been with all the same people in previous family reunions.

When I saw that I got a bit too conflictive was when it comes to assessing what was ‘sufficient’ in terms of time and moments of being there with the family and it was actually many hours throughout the past two days, practically whole afternoon until midnight in all the processes and even if we were suggested that we could leave at any time, I would assess ‘in my mind’ based on ‘what is acceptable and what is not’ by others, how ‘others’ would see it and in this is where self-compromise existed. I didn’t want to leave the spot, I didn’t want to cause an impression of ‘not caring about the person’ because in fact even if my interaction with the person wasn’t ‘that much’ every time it was actually very genuine and that’s what I am most grateful for about that situation that we could go beyond ‘age difference’ or ‘roles’ and speak frankly about things, which is also he liked about myself and my partner, not really ‘playing a show’ or being hypocritical as he would say, but just ‘be ourselves.’

So, in those moments of facing some coldness and hunger at times, some sleepiness too, I saw that I wanted to ‘stick up’ to being strong or resilient and supportive, while at the same time doubting myself altogether whether I should be there or not, whether it was of any support for others or not, whether it was best for us to leave or not, so in essence deciding to stick by based on doing it for others, to accompany them and also in a way of considering the memory of the person that died even though I know that he’s not ‘here’ or near his body but possibly walking his life review right now.

I decided then that we should stick through it all from beginning to end, taking some breaks in between but it was my first ‘full-fledged’ process of funeral in my life and I can use this experience as a way to learn more about myself in a situation like that and also confronting the point of judging myself as ‘not sure of myself’ in many situations or how to ‘act’ towards some people, because sometimes one doesn’t feel sad and I tend to be very transparent about it then judging myself as possibly being perceived that ‘I don’t care enough because I’m not sad or concerned’ which I did challenge as a belief within myself, not playing an emotion as a form of empathy towards others, while at the same time yes considering others’ pain and sorrow, and in some points yes admitting that I cried along with seeing some family members cry at the same time as a realization of their loss and that’s where I pushed myself to give a hand, to caress their back and simply be there for support .

Therefore I see that I have to let go of the judgment towards my actions in wanting to frame them as adequate or not, good enough or not, because as much as there are ways and certain politics or protocols in such situations, I can create an equilibrium between yes, adapting myself to it without compromising myself too much.

Where did I see the compromise? Well, when the coffin was open and the body was inside, people were going to greet it and say their goodbyes. I could not rationalize that it would have any meaning other than looking at an image of the person in the body and upon seeing everyone’s reaction to it, I considered that it was also a bit of a morbid situation, while at the same time rationalizing that ‘ok, it’s just a dead body, if I am resisting looking at it again, it’s based on the first impression I had the day before I saw the body ‘raw’ on the bed where he died’ and this time he already had some touch ups from the funerary, so I decided to look at the body and then the inevitable happened of course, the image triggered the actual realization of ‘the person is dead’ and you won’t ever see him again. So, there I cried a bit again which a part of me wanted to prevent and suppress while another was saying just let go and cry it out, while at the same time judging the emotional aspect of myself since it seemed ‘out of my control’ to handle.

In essence, yes as one can read, I was in a constant assessment and questioning of ‘what would be best for all’ to do in those moments, so I decided to not look at what I would like to do that much, but more look at others, the reason for this funeral to exist is not so much for the dead person – he’s not here anymore –but for the family, and that’s something I kept reminding myself so focused on being there as a point of presence for my family, for the family in general and as partner says, we are part of a social situation so we have to participate the same way others do and yes, learn from this situation for future ones because death is the most certain thing that happens to every person and not even our ‘tomorrow’ is secured, to any of us.

I also practiced simply breathing and being quiet within myself in those moments where there wasn’t really ‘much to do’ or not much happened. I also didn’t go into participating in the thoughts or memories about the person because I knew that would be a direct trigger to start crying or being sad about it, and I didn’t do that. I focused on what was in my surroundings and learned to be there with others in a similar manner, while at the same time ensuring I am not taken over in any emotional way, except for the couple of crying moments that didn’t last long.

I realize I have to also let go of judging myself if getting emotional in a situation like that. As it’s been shared in some material, one can cry and let it all out as a point of release, but at the same time ensuring that one is not ‘thinking oneself into crying’ either.

It also was an interesting situation because funerals and the death of a relative are such ‘common situations’ but funnily enough I had avoided going at those for such a long time, though due to the closeness with this person, I genuinely decided to be part of it, which is cool, I can see that I decided to live the word Empathy here in the sense of not become equally sad as everyone there, but decide to stand as a presence that can be more stable, breathe, and simply be there as a person that is there in the memory of the person that died and to be with the family. Here I have to for a moment be considerate and let go of more of my ‘radical self’ that would say that it is all useless as he’s not ‘there’ anymore and it is only a way to cry-out many regrets, fears or projections of our own death, but nope, I decided to be clear within me and not project, not judge others but there still was more of a questioning on how adequate I was in those situations – and instead learn from it, not judge myself over it, because it is in fact something relatively new.

We can only learn from making either decision – one or the other – because as partner says, if one see-saws then there are fears and then I have to look at what were those fears which I can see are related more into ‘what others might say’ rather than learning to trust myself, my consideration and not fearing making a ‘mistake’ in such a ‘delicate situation’ but all of these are like ‘special values’ I’ve attached to a situation like a funeral, which I should start embracing as any other part of our social interactions too.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others ideas, beliefs and expectations about ‘how I should be and behave’ and in this compromising myself within these beliefs within me that I thought I had to ‘stick to’, which actually I ended up shattering once that I saw how the whole funeral indeed became like a small reunion of the family where eventually the sadness and protocol were past and people were able to relax a bit after some of the processes involved in the funeral were done, as well as realizing that I had created this whole idea about funerals in my head, from movies or situations that are not realistic in how things and people actually go and behave in them, so I confirm my own brainwashing, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my actions and interactions during a funeral as inadequate or possibly not good enough when there is actually no ‘standard’ for it all nor is there any morality that I should adjust to, other than instead going in accordance to the actions and activities that are part of the funeral and remain in stability while being accompanying others in such moments, letting go of the idea that I have to ‘be sad or show sadness’ and instead continue pushing myself to be ok with being stable and rather of a supportive stance in the midst of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge crying in a funeral as a weakness, as a form of ‘being in my mind’ upon seeing the person in the coffin which actually could have also triggered the idea of ‘no longer seeing the person around’ while at the same time remembering the times with them,  while at the same time invariably considering the death of everyone around me in that moment as something that I’ll face in one way or another – therefore, I can embrace death, death people as in dead bodies in front of me and see them for what they are, matter, while reminding myself that this funeral process is more for the living than the dead and that no matter ‘who dies’, I am here, I am breathing and anything I am fearing in relation to death I have to process for myself from the get go in order to not be holding on to judgments, ideas, beliefs around death and funerals and the social situation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that I should be ‘beyond’ this situation of funerals in terms of getting emotional in it, which can instead create a suppression if I have already participated in any form of sadness around it and as such, releasing it through crying makes sense for the body and myself, instead of holding myself back and causing more suppression in my body which I consider I created in me, experiencing a flu at the moment which sounds like a participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears around the future of my parents dying, others in that same funeral dying and how I’ll have to take care of the situation which I managed to also turn into a constructive discussion with my parents to get to know more of the facts around their funerals and time of death, which has also become very much like a taboo topic that over the years I’ve been opening up more, but I could see how based on reactions I saw they had upon touching the subject, it was definitely not a ‘desired topic’ but they were ok to explain some things, which is cool and in this I rather turn those ‘fears’ into something practical where I know where I can look at the prevention and practicality of these points to look at.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a future projection of how hard it must be to have parents die and how much I will cry or suffer when they are gone, and in doing so don’t stop myself from indulging into this imagination, wherein even if it could be a practical imagination and I considered how it would be reasonable to cry and be sad, there was also a fear of ‘not being able to be stable enough’ or ‘losing my ground’ which I rather hereby let go of the judgment towards a situation as the death of relatives, family, friends, partners that I will most likely face in my lifetime and instead be ok with whatever emerges in that moment, not judging sadness for the death of someone close to me as a weakness or a fall, but instead seeing it as a momentary process that I will also overcome with time and self-support, so here realizing that death of others is not the end of the world, no matter how hard it is at times, I am here, I’m breathing, I’m alive and so I rather not look too much into a future that I cannot ensure for myself either and instead, I can trust myself that when the time comes, I can deal with the situation in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to ‘break the taboo’ around the topic of death through speaking about it, asking how I would like to be buried or how others would like to be buried while at the same time still doing so within an inherent fear of actually having to face such moments – so here applies the point of ‘who we are’ in what we do, because even if I might seem comfortable in asking these questions and they can be in fact genuinely supportive to look at for practical reasons, if I am still existing as fear of facing those moments, then I am still having to let go of the fear of ‘what if’ for a future moment, stick to my present and trust myself I’ll be able to handle it when time comes, because death is the only certainty that we all have in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of loss toward the people that are close to me and wanting to believe that ‘I’ll survive it, I’ll be strong about it’ when in fact I don’t know and can’t know, and have to accept that it might not be an ‘easy time’ for me, yet what I do know is that  I can eventually overcome it with continuing focusing on living and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt about my actions and ways in general during a funeral wherein I am focusing more on what I am ‘for others’ and doing what is ‘expected’ instead of rather deciding to be the directive principle of myself there, doing what others do that I find is supportive like being there with the family, without indulging into emotions if they are not ‘here’ – meaning, not pretending for the sake of empathy – and at the same time, not judging myself if I do become emotional in them, wherein then I can come and write and see what other fears or points opened up in my through this experience and so instead of seeing this experience through the eyes of ‘fearing making a mistake’ or ‘not being up to the expectations’ – which are my own anyways – I can learn from myself in those contexts and continue being honest with myself about my experience, while realizing that I can stabilize myself and I can prevent emotional buildups through writing and reasoning through a death process as a preventive measure, but at the same time, not to judge if I cannot ‘contain’ myself in those moments. What matters is being able to stand up from those moments, not judging myself for being ‘at my weakest’ during the death of a person close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to play the strong one that doesn’t cry at all and that is ever stable when I have to also be self-honest in my experience and be ok with me being sad or crying at a funeral, while also keeping an eye on not being entertaining memories or ideas that lead to a continuous crying that is then being constantly generated by the mind and that I consider will also depend on the relationship with the person, the time spent with them and so not judging others when I do see them ‘break down’ and be very sad in those moments of mourning the death of a loved one. I have to embrace those situations as aspects of our humanity that might be difficult to completely face with zero emotions. Therefore not to judge myself as emotions, but rather ensuring I am not manipulating myself into emotions and instead let them out once that they are there and support myself to stand up again from such times/moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that we will miss him in family reunions because of his good sense of humor, kindness and embracing towards us for who we are, understanding our sometimes unconventional ways of being and enjoying that of ourselves, believing that then ‘no one’ will have that same stance towards ourselves, but here I can then apply the ‘miss-him’ to me-is-him realization whenever in future moments it comes up that we are missing him in our reunions, to rather live that kindness, welcoming, embracing, non-compromising expression he had with us, as well as with a good sense of humor and live it out ourselves, to continue being cordial to others and rather continue applying those words as myself toward others. That way I take the words, the aspects of him that I found most supportive and enjoyable and make it a point to live them as myself and so toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit powerless in wanting to help others that were in notorious grief and wanting to assist them in one way or another, expecting some kind of ‘result’ from it, instead of rather being unconditional with my presence and support and understanding how my desire to stop them suffering is still coming from a fear of them remaining in suffering, so I rather let go of a desired outcome of what my support should do for others and instead express it as myself, no judgment, no expectation, letting go of what’s right or wrong, but be able to trust my common sense in such moments and let go of the judgments, no matter how ‘new’ a situation might be for me, common sense is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself in a funeral as in ‘wanting to be of support for others’ and so trying to find any way in which I could be ‘there’ as a point of support, which didn’t came through in any notorious manner, therefore here I have to let go of my desire to ‘be of support’ and instead embrace my presence as that, a presence that is there for myself and for others wherein I can then assist when and as I see is possible or required of me, but this does not mean that I am ‘only there wanting to support’ because then I condition myself, my decisions and my expression as in wanting to be ‘of support’ for others only.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times also consider whether I should be there at all, if we were not much of an ‘extra burden’ in such moments where I was assessing then in terms of ‘hierarchy of importance’ and ‘who’s who in the zoo’ in that situation based on ‘how close’ each person was to the person that died etc. instead of just being able to embrace my own conviction  of wanting to be there as my decision and that of everyone else that was also participating in their own decision – so I have to stop indulging into ‘what ifs’ in such situations, because yes as much as others could compromise themselves in not wanting to be rude to some people and ask them to leave, I also cannot create ideas about what others are desiring in relation to my presence there either. I can only be the one that is sincerely there as a personal conviction and so, others could do the same in relation to embracing me or not around and communicate about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘politically correct’ in a situation such as the death of a person, wherein it actually comes from a desire to be doing the ‘right thing’ in such situations but the reality is that it is many times a new experience for everyone therefore, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or expectations around it, but simply doing what’s necessary to do in such situations, following protocols while assisting oneself to remain calm and not feeding our minds with fears and experiences, while at the same time embracing the emotions if they are here at times.

 

I saw various points opened up throughout these past days and I noticed how in several moments I had to go making sure I am doing things within my own volition and decision, breaking through a pattern of avoiding funerals and instead testing out ‘who am I’ in them, in a way facing a fear of death in general I suppose that is more in relation to seeing others being sad or mourning and fearing that within myself.

I have to make peace with a process of mourning, that’s for sure and it’s something I’ll face probably several times in my life, therefore I rather assist myself with prevention and learning from this experience, which is another way to get to know myself.

 

Ultimately I have to consider and remind myself do as I’d like to be done unto – and in this yes I would not like people to be sad when I am dead but rather take one or two points they learned from me and live them through in their own lives, that would be awesome so, this process goes beyond ‘a funeral’ really, it can be turned into much more of what that person lived and what we can learn from each other and continue the life of these individuals through words we saw them live and live them ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For anyone seeking support on facing the death of loved ones , please read through the following blogs from Sunette to understand the process of mourning at a mind and physical level, very supportive:

Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Two): DAY 480 | Heaven’s 

Relationships and Death: DAY 481 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself – DAY 491 | 

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself (Part 2) – DAY 

 

To anyone wanting to know first hand shares from the life in the afterlife:

Death Review Series: This series consists of personal stories of beings during their process of death in various contexts and situations, detailing the relationship between the mind, body and beingness.

 

Life Review Series: This series consists of hundreds of personal stories of beings who passed, crossed over and reviewed their lives – all to share with us what they faced, what they learned and how they did or could have lived solutions.

 

Mourning Flu

 

 

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487. The Origins of My Conditional Expression

Or how I defined my expression based on others’ reception instead of being my own starting point for and as it.

 

Sunday was ‘the origin’ day because in the morning as I shared on my last blog I was looking at the origins of ourselves in existence. And during the afternoon, I went to my parents’ house and we watched some of the home videos of the time when I was a very young girl, around 4-5 years old and I noticed that I as I was watching them, I started laughing almost hysterically about them all. The reason? In most of them I am dancing and impersonating any other pop star I was infatuated with at the time and it all seemed like very funny in how I was moving and expressing myself. But at the same time of being laughing about what I was watching, I noticed that there were other reactions because it did seem like I got into a mix of emotions/feelings – in essence energetic experiences – that I had not had in a long time and were triggered by watching myself as a young kid.

A part of what I could see is how every single move I was making was essentially me coping the people I Idolized at the time and so trying to move exactly as they did on TV which in a way was me wanting to be ‘like the people on TV’ and in no way was there a real expression coming through in me, but instead ‘camera time’ meant I had to put on a show and dance and ‘get the attention’, which was another proof and reminder of how we have tainted our unconditional expression based on copying others that we perceive as popular, as applauded by the people and in doing so, shaping who I wanted to be according to the usual standards of wanting to be an artist or someone famous someday, which I actually got to live through in my initial decision to study arts, quite predictably so I’d say which is how most of our lives function where we become what we’ve been exposed to and how none of our preferences or ways of expressing ourselves are in fact ‘our genuine expression’ because we start copying everything and everyone around us from a very young age.

When I was laughing at the same time there were emotions involved like sadness. I guess it was me going back to those years of perceived innocence and everything else that I came to be and do in my life later on when seeking for myself ‘out there’, seeking acceptance by others, seeking to be valued by others, seeking to be recognized by others – all of those patterns seemed to already be fueled from that very early age when I equated my self-value to ‘putting up a show’ essentially and very much based on performance – through dancing, through being a ‘good student’ in school, through exaggeration of movements and ways of expressing to get people’s attention or stand out from the crowd – yep, that’s been definitely a pattern from a very early age.

I noticed that my laughter while watching the whole time wasn’t a real expression, but instead entirely a way to cope with the moment and in fact suppressing and hiding a series of emotions I was actually confronting upon seeing through my eyes that ‘mini-me’ version doing things that I know – as much as I could have enjoyed myself doing it at the time – was very much copied and made as a display for others as well, which reveals a whole lot about a core programming within myself where a ‘showing off’ attitude became part of my personality in order to get attention, recognition, validation, specialness and all these points upon seeing how ingrained they were at such a young age in me, made me kind of sad because I ponder how I could have been without all that stimulation through music and particular singers, what would I have been more inclined to do if I had not been exposed all the time to the notion of imitating pop-stars and sing and dance in front of a camera all the time, get into a ‘high’ to do the show.

I got so defined by ‘doing the whole show’ in every major family reunion/party that I eventually got sick of it, stopped dancing altogether because I noticed how I became like a monkey-show for everyone that would simply start dancing with music playing, be ‘the center of attention ‘ for others that weren’t willing many times to do it themselves. It was a very programmed experience and I would enjoy the attention I would get – or so I thought. And I see how we program kids in general to become this sort of ‘show’ for the parents or adults in one way or another, which eventually as kids we integrate as a way to ‘make others happy’ or ‘make others value ourselves’ in a very conditioned and programmed way.

Of course, this is not to blame anyone for this, parents didn’t know any better either, society didn’t know any better, we didn’t know any better. All that I can do is recognize those ways in me now and see what I have accepted and allowed to ‘define me’ from a very  young age and from there, ensure that whenever I am expressing myself, it’s not to put up a show for someone or to create an experience in others, but entirely live it as myself, for myself, as an expression of me.

It’s interesting yet foreseeable that I ended up choosing a career where one makes things that are meant to be displayed and enjoyed by others, or at least that’s the way I used to look at it because art can also be made as a way of expression and that’s it, but invariably it gets to a circuit of receivers that will obtain an experience through it, will ‘interact’ with it in one way or another. And this leads to a self-compromise if the starting point is ‘doing things for others’ instead of doing so for oneself.

I can change something from now, for example, in how I interact with my niece and nephew to not recreate the patterns of only valuing them for the things that they do or create, but for who they are. I see the same programming in them coming through, a showing up in both the intellectual and the expression way, a ‘putting up a show’ for others at times in various ways which fascinatingly enough represent both of the aspects I came to define myself as – and I guess this is something we’ve all had and been through where we’re constantly seeing ourselves through the eyes of others, instead of being the origin of our expression ourselves.

I’ve also considered that I can assist my niece and nephew to understand these points and share my own realizations and experience and so learn to be themselves, to trust themselves, without seeking approval from others.

That whole Sunday situation of laughing hysterically interestingly enough showed me where I wasn’t really present but it was a mixture of emotions that I simply ‘laughed out’ in a very awkward way which fortunately my partner also noticed and said something along the lines of what I’ve shared here, how Kids are good at copying the expressions that they consider superior which was a grounding comment at the time so that I could precisely start seeing with a more objective pair of eyes – past the nostalgia type of experience – into the ‘who I was’ and have been throughout my life. He also didn’t get any fuzzy feelings about it, lol which is great and rarely does he do anyways, but constantly looks at things very objectively which is very supportive for me every time I seem to be getting too ‘aloof’ and above my ground in some kind of ecstatic or high experience, like with this hysterical laughter.

 

A suggestion then for parents, to not see kids as ‘show makers’ because one ends up creating a ‘hate-love’ relationship with expression in essence, compromising ourselves based on wanting to do it ‘for others’ and missing out ourselves in it all. I also see how a part of me that created that ‘love-hate’ relationship with Art I’ve been writing about throughout the years has to do with this self-definition of ‘who I am ‘based on ‘what I do’ and how that ‘what I do’ is received, qualified, valued by others. This is then the way in which I’ve conditioned myself ‘at the eyes of others’ and haven’t stood my ground to express as me, for me and in doing so being the very origin and end of my expression. That’s a definitive way in which I want to live for sure and if I can assist kids to understand this for themselves, that’s great too.

Interestingly enough, after this Sunday of hysterical laughter I had swollen tonsils which I remembered ‘tonsillitis’ means tons of light and had to look at this ‘enlightened self-interest’ aspect in me while watching the videos – because it came up right after watching that – and seeing how in fact I had gone into a ‘high’ of sorts with this laughter that at the same time was suppressing a lot of myself in it. And as I write this out and finally ‘digest it through’ I can feel my tonsils are getting a bit better…

So, here’s the self-forgiveness on these points which actually relate a lot to this ‘initial point of separation’ I talked about in my last blog and then I was able to see my very origins of that.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very young age condition, program and mold myself to copy others’ expressions that I knew were popular, that I defined and perceived as superior or ‘more than me’ so that when recreating these expressions at home, I could get my parents’ and everyone’s expression of approval in order to create a positive experience through the attention, the ‘enjoyment’ that I could see in others, the ‘show’ I could put up in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ and in doing so believing that I could only be valued through constantly getting attention from others, being recognized by others and in doing so, programming myself to always ‘seek for approval’ or ‘acceptance’ in separation of myself – instead of acknowledging myself as my origin and end of self-expression: doing it for me as myself, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe that copying others that were ‘famous artists’ was a way for me to also be special, recognized, gain attention from people at home and in my family, wherein I believed that I had to constantly then ‘put up a show’ as in dance and sing and move around in exaggerated manners in order to keep that focus and attention on myself, which also at the same time hides the other polarity from ‘wanting to be noticed’ to ‘disliking or avoiding being ignored’ or taken as ‘any other person’ but constantly strive to be ‘special’ even if that means having to ‘put up a show’ every time – not realizing that in doing so I conditioned the entirety of ‘who I am’ based on seeking recognition and value ‘from others toward me’ instead of valuing me as myself, as life, as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to be ignored as a child where I could see myself putting some ‘extra effort’ in my moves when dancing or simply talking to others so that I could ‘retain’ their attention on me and value me as ‘being special’ for being able to ‘trigger’ positive experiences in others, which became a condition in me of wanting to constantly be ‘performing’ for others and so valuing who I am based on ‘what I do’ and how that is received by others, in order to be approved, accepted, value as ‘superior’ or ‘important’ or ‘more than others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike being ignored wherein this pattern can still come up when not getting the response, the feedback, the appreciation that I seek from others wherein my entire value has been very much defined according to how others ‘interact with what I do/create/say/am’ within the starting point of ‘being for others’ instead of entirely being the origin and end of and for myself, because in this I understand that if I am the best for myself as an individual, invariably I also am the best for others, but this means not making ‘others’ as the reason or starting point for me to be and do, but place myself first and foremost as my origin, starting point and motivation for and as myself in everything I am and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression through energy, in creating a positive high within myself that I would then try to also trigger or achieve creating in others and then equating others’ response as a proof that ‘my work’ would be successful, that I would be fulfilling a sort of purpose in life where I haven’t really been the origin and starting point of myself, as my expression, but instead have constantly sought an ‘energy kick’ with it, as a positive experience, a self-definition a ‘who I am’ as my expressions, my art, my moves, my body’s look, my intellect and all the things that I came to define myself by in order to make myself ‘special’ at the eyes of others, all of it fueled by the fear of not being noticed, being a wallflower, being rejected, being ignored which has given me a ‘bad or negative experience’ within me that I sought to avoid every single time by ‘pushing more’ to be outstanding, special, unique at my eyes and the eyes of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on ‘what I do’ instead of who I am in what I do, which means if who I am is genuinely me living as principles in oneness and equality, this in no way means I am being so ‘for others’ but I am the starting point of it all as myself, for myself, which at the same time becomes a by default example for others to consider doing for themselves, trusting ourselves in who we are and what we do and for once and for all take ‘others’ eyes’ off of our minds whenever we are doing, living, expressing and learn what it is to stand on our ground as unconditional self-expression, without expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having conditioned myself to motivate me to move, express and create based on how much I would get ‘from others’ as attention, appreciation, value of superiority, a sense of specialness, a sense of ‘giving to others a good time’ when in fact I can still express and live and do for myself and share myself with others without an expectation, without seeking approval, without having to ‘out-do’ anything or anyone or ‘excelling’ at something for the sake of a point of self-image, but instead entirely do it as my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have conditioned myself to be a ‘performer’ of sorts where I molded my expression to constantly create a ‘good impression’ on others in order to be liked, accepted, valued, considered special which was all motivated by fear of being ignored, being ‘the odd one’, not being ‘as good as’ and for example this stands in relation to my sisters and how as a young child I saw them as ‘the ever present shadows’ that I had to overcome, which led me to also become ‘the rebel’ in the family and part ways in many ideas, ways of presenting ourselves and actions in order for me to keep having my own ‘niche’ as my own ‘unique expression’ that would ‘stand out’ still as a self-definition of uniqueness, specialness, importance of sorts – instead of realizing that I simply became the polar opposite in order to not have to be ‘competing’ with them in their own ways, but ‘create my own standards’ in which I could ‘rule’ and not have anyone ‘near me’ that I could be compared to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I constantly have to ‘present’ myself in a particular way towards others in order to create good impressions and in this it’s not like I don’t have to ‘care at all’ either, but it is a matter of shifting the starting point of what I do and who I am, from doing it ‘for others’ or ‘at others’ to doing it as myself, as an expression of who I am, regardless of how it is perceived by others – of course doing so as an expression of common sense, meaning without ‘antagonisms’ or ‘excesses’ that would still be an expression of ego.

In this, If I am standing for what’s best for all and oneness and equality, the moment that I live this as myself, for myself, I am at the same time living a potential that we all have as ourselves as life and that is far more empowering because then we are not dependent on others ‘to be’ or ‘express’ but we just are, live and do, be the best versions of ourselves as a personal decision and principle.

This then can be a solution for many ways and forms of separation that we’ve created when we see ourselves through the eyes of others, when we believe that we can be ‘superior or inferior’ to others, where we believe that some people are ‘special’ and some are not, when all that in fact defines us is who we are as ourselves, for ourselves, what we do or don’t do in every moment in our thoughts, words and deeds as our expression, which yes inevitably ends up being part of everyone else’s life at the same time.

Therefore if we are the best that we can for ourselves as individuals, then one by one we will stand in that genuine individuality that can exist and flourish in equality at the same time, no more playing games of competition, rivalry, values based on appearance, personalities and the rest of the ‘system values of performance’ but instead, we will be creating the kind of human beings that live and express as life, as who everyone is and can be if we all live this process of self-awareness and self-creation in equality and oneness.

The word to live here is Independence and Self Trust in expression, it’s about standing as my expression as my decision, for myself, uncompromised yet common sensical, supportive, to nurture myself, to expand myself beyond values, positive or negative experiences or triggering experiences in others. This is beyond definition, yet in consideration of what’s best for myself and so all in equality.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join in the Process of Life


471. Self-Forgiveness on Self-Limitation

Or how to see through fears and paranoia within a scenario of facing manifested consequences

 

There are various things that have created an impact on me just in the span of the last 12 hours and I’m seeing things that I considering as clearly before. The context is seeing some of those manifested consequences for the first time in my life quite ‘in the corner of my street’ type of thing which is something entirely new to me to be honest and it’s been happening in various ways around here: so-called threats from cartels asking for ransom, car parts being stolen more frequently in these seemingly ‘safer’ areas and the recent lootings that took place in this side of my city where even a Wal-Mart that is some 500 meters from here had to close down and consequently every other shop was closed yesterday after 6 pm to avoid further lootings – unprecedented for me and everyone else I asked in my environment.

What happens is there has been a raise in fuel price and there are people that in an attempt to spite the government and ‘big corporations’ they have been looting stores, closing down roads that in turn have created much more problems and loss  than any of the ‘goods’ they stole from countless stores nationwide yesterday. I was appalled last night upon becoming aware of this and how easy it is to drive people through fear and paranoia at the same time, but also how the design is not at all responding into ‘what is best for all’ but immediately ‘grabbing what you can while you can’ and not minding at all who gets a consequence for that.

The word resilience opened up yesterday assisted me to remind myself to breathe to not go into the same ‘wave’ of paranoia that everyone around here was… few times I told people to calm down, but it’s not possible to ‘change’ someone just by saying that, it’s still a self-responsibility point. I simply had to embody that stability myself and keep explaining how we don’t have to participate in fear – but to me in my experience it was beyond fear, a sort of sadness to see this happening and how limited we still are when it comes to trying to fix problems.

So here it goes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the way to create a solution to the problems is through sabotaging, maiming, destroying and ‘getting it all while you can’ in an attempt to literally ‘fuck’ the people that I perceive are in power and to blame for the recent rises in prices in the gas and consequently potential inflation to come from it – not realizing that spite, blame, maiming and destruction will never be the way to create a solution nor make a ‘statement’ because in doing this, we only show how limited we are in perceiving ‘no way out’ but to riot and be opportunistic against the people that we believe are ‘more powerful’ than us, when in fact it is ourselves that have enslaved each other/ourselves in various conditions in our society – economically and socially speaking – therefore, playing the blame game and trying to ‘punish’ some for perceiving that they have ‘punished ourselves’ is nothing else but playing the victim and so justifying the spite that in turn only creates further loss, further destabilization, panic and paranoia all around that no one benefits from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel appalled upon getting to know that people around me can act in mob styles to be opportunistic about a situation that has become a feud towards the government, where I see the role of people playing a victim, of us all playing a victim, not realizing that we have created the government that we have, that we ARE the government that we have in our very own thoughts, words and deeds at an individual level – and the proof is that what a few in the elite classes do in a ‘legal manner’, the majority in this whole country ended up doing in seemingly smaller scale but with equal consequences – or worse – of disruptions, loss, destruction and in general not realizing that we are playing out the exact same nature as anyone else in a position of power that has abused such position and power, which means: we can’t at all blame anyone for the situation we have co-created, we are ALL equally responsible for the manifested consequences and the only way through is to acknowledge and understand how arbitrary our limitations are, how we have created and imposed them going down the road of fear and control – instead of realizing we can self-forgive and change those arbitrary limitations to create a better outcome that could stabilize everyone’s livelihood and not only that, but pave the way for actual growth and thrive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get trapped in a limitation where apparently we cannot fathom a life without oil, a life without all the stuff that is available in stores and forget about the actual possibilities that can emerge if instead of working together to create mayhem and destruction and ‘fucking the one next to us’ – we could focus on standing together to create solutions, creating what’s best for everyone and that requires a willing decision to understand that any opportunism to ‘trump’ others will only bite us all back in the ass because everything that we do affects us all equally because the problems we are facing are equally created – not only by governments, not only by big corporations, not only by the elites – but each one of us that in our very own thoughts, words and deeds still decides to spite back and take revenge instead of considering what would be most beneficial and best for everyone.

I realize that in situations like that what takes over is the compounded emotions, accumulated frustrations of endless years that usually end up in break outs like this one or revolutions or wars that are never the solution. Therefore, I realize our limitation in how we haven’t learned to cooperate, to join forces for the best for all, to create something together that we can live by and guard ourselves but instead are creating a rebellion against that which we’ve placed and created as our ‘authority’ by design, by acceptance and allowance only to have something or someone to blame for the mess we’ve accepted and allowed and have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in self-limitation after an entire human history or wars and revolt and civil wars where we haven’t yet learned to decide to cooperate, to unite to create solutions but instead, immediately act based on an emotional outrage that leads to more destruction, more decay and giving a full step back to a very primitive human-nature state of ‘survivalism’ which proves that there is a long way to actual human evolution if we really want to get to thrive in this world – and this requires an actual forgiveness and understanding from those that feel the most oppressed to realize that we have all been equal co-creators of this current situation and that nothing will advance but only worsen if we keep falling into spite, blame, vengeance/revenge, righteousness in believing that we have a right to protest and demand, while remaining victims in a comfortable situation so as to not have to acknowledge that this entire creation and all of its problems are emanating from the same source: oneself, self-separation, self-degradation from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also be taken over by images seen in the media about the events and generalize and think that ‘the person next to me’ is probably as spiteful as those seen looting the stores, when in fact this is not so, it does not happen every single day and it’s not a majority either. Therefore I forgive myself that I have had a tendency to limit myself and other me’s as human beings by suddenly painting everyone with the same judgment and limitation as in being ‘back to square one’ of human evolution/decay, instead of realizing that this is part of my doomsday character personality that continually has sought reasons, justifications and excuses as to why humanity stands no chance for a world change. I have to stick to being that ‘hope’ of humanity and work on it within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, appalled and disturbed by seeing the nature of what we can be as human beings wherein it only ‘hits home’ this time because of how close to me it all was, but I’ve seen it happen everywhere else in the world so this is only a proof that I have been living in a comfortable bubble where all ‘the problems’ seemed to be out there/far away from here, instead of seeing that as with anything these outcomes are a potential in all of us to create, we all are equally capable of creation and so destruction – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by the self-imposed limitations when it comes to the current economic and political situation we are in, wherein we have allowed ourselves to believe that the only way out is through chaos, mayhem, destruction, and forgetting all about self-responsibility, our power as creators of this reality to create, to solve, to change the so-called immovable ‘laws’ in our economic and political systems so that we could realize at last that this limitation, this lack, this poverty, these prices, these authorities are all self-created and are standing as a proof of our very own accepted and allowed self-limitation and delusions that CAN be changed if we all decide to do so.

Therefore I realize I can only focus on myself seeing through the veil, seeing through the play outs, understanding them as an outflow of our creation that we all have to learn from and stand up equally – I cannot go changing each person into seeing this, but I am not defined by what others in their own awareness and volition decide to do or not to do, but to focus on what I can do, correct and align within myself, stand by, communicate and suggest as solutions, to not fall prey of fears and paranoia that are part of the chaos that is sometimes deliberately created to then implement ‘new ways of security’ or further control upon the population, which is yet another limitation that we’ve imposed and collectively created upon ourselves based on our seemingly impossible ability to change, to stand as principles and remove the veils from our eyes to see: we’ve all co-created this all, there’s no one more or less responsible in this, we’re all it, we are only spiting ourselves, we are only biting our own tail, we have to stop it and act in supportive ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget living the word expansion as in being able to see through a situation and see the bigger picture, but still fell into a powerless experience within seeing it ‘very difficult’ to step out of this situation in this country – while fully knowing that there are consequences that we are going to be facing and that they can only be but a catalyst to sort out the problems we’ve been dragging for far too long – and realizing that this won’t come at the ‘higher levels’ of our society, but has to start in cultivating all the values that I see are not being considered by the most that seem to be very fixated on waging war against an equal me that we’ve placed as ‘president’ who has become a human piñata where everyone has deposited their own blames towards, which are nothing else but effigies/roles that we’ve elevated to the status of gods and authorities that we have placed deliberately in those positions of ‘power’ to have someone to blame and so abdicate our own collective equal and one responsibility to the whole of our thoughts, words and deeds.

In this I have to make peace with the fact that it might seem like a seemingly small point for me to stand in self-awareness in a ‘sea of trouble’ but, that’s what I decide to be and do and so not fall prey to fears and paranoia, but to remain focused on expanding myself, going beyond the seemingly overwhelming situation so many people got caught up on emotionally on and so acting based on those emotions as fears, spite and self-interest, while realizing that it was mostly a scare happening in the mind because as we spoke of it and sat in the comfort of our homes, they were only situations taking place in some stores and gas stations – so, I have and we have to remind ourselves that there is always a choice in deciding to join the disaster and paranoia chorus or stick to principles and remain settled – and that the more we stand without fears and stability, the more we will realize the actual powers and ability we have to create solutions, so here we have to persevere in our best-for-all intentions and not succumb to the chaos.

This is something to apply both in an internal and external level, because if we look at the driving force behind any form of destruction: it’s of emotions, it’s of the mind, it won’t create any solutions at all, it is only our attempt as consciousness to ‘fix problems’ while being blind to the obvious destruction and consequences this creates and forgetting that we don’t do it to ‘others’ as there are No others, we are all IT, we are ‘them’ and so we essentially are shooting ourselves in the leg.

Therefore, we always have the option to stand up from it in honoring the life that we have, to not follow ‘the mob rules’ within ourselves and live in self-respect – towards oneself and everyone else – or fall prey of one’s deliberately created weaknesses, spitefulness, blame, vengeance that are truly those aspects of our human nature that have been perpetuated generation after generation and thus have to come to a stop here, one by one in our individual decision of who we decide to be – who’s who in the zoo type of decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed upon seeing what fellow human beings can do which can only exist if I am holding an expectation and a judgment toward other people according to what I would like to believe they are, which is also an illusion and the point here is for me to consider yes, the potential that exists in all of us, but also not being blinded by it and trying to color everything in a positive manner but remain realistic in the realization of what’s happening when it comes to facing and creating our own consequences, so as to be reasonable enough, to be careful and considerate enough at the same time.

The key here is then to not exist as judgments upon what’s happening around me and so now is the time where I have to pull my non-existent pants up and apply what I’ve written out many times here and actually get to live that in thought, word and deed while yes, remaining cautious, aware and considerate of how things go around here because that’s just what manifested consequences are: we cannot change them but we can change who we are within and while in it all.

I commit myself to continue expanding myself in seeing through the limitations, the consciousness play outs and wreckage that we’ve co-created and that’s happening at the moment and stick to my own core and stability as the life that I am, as my physical body in holding within myself that potential that exists in me and everyone else that decides to also opt to live their potential for a common benefit – we don’t have to get discouraged by things around us or fellow human beings that decide to spiral down the emotional consciousness way, but stick to principles, stick to common sense, stick to physical groundedness and not get into a smog fog of current situations – but breathe through it, walk through it holding steady to our own truth and responsibility to it all as well as standing as and holding that potential that is here in everything and everyone, it’s up to each one of us to decide what we do and where we stand within it all.

Thanks for reading and let’s keep walking

 

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Check out these great sites for self support and self development :


464.Changing My World View

Or how I stopped feeding a back door/way out or ‘quick fix’ belief in my reality

 

A continuation on:

454. Embracing Living Potentials

 

There’s something interesting that I’ve noticed not only in myself but through and walking with various individuals I also have the opportunity to assist and support, and that is how much of our own way of looking at thing in our reality, our lives changes as we go walking through our minds which means, understanding ourselves better, getting to know the nooks and crannies of ourselves in terms of how we think, why we experience ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations, what motivates us, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to fear, to desire, to procrastinate, to hold on to in various ways… it can be endless to get to know us to the T in all aspects. However the more that I’ve gotten to do this and worked through with myself not only to understand me, but to also directly work on changing these aspects, what tends to change as well is the way that we see the world, see our lives and so the way that we experience ourselves in it all.

I can identify with many people I work with where our minds usually tended to look for the pessimistic, fatalist and all-destructive outcomes as a sort of a desired outcome for humanity, believing that it’s the way to do justice to the Earth and Life and all other sentient beings that are not humans. However as much as this could be an acceptable idea, I also had to acknowledge and recognize the fact that a part of me actually was giving up on myself and on everyone else’s potential to change, which translates the whole point of ‘wanting an Armageddon or ultimate self-destruction’ in wanting the ‘easy way out’ while believing this is only fair to Life, that it’s fair to the animals, that it’s fair to nature etc.

Well, once that I understood my own desire to ‘run away’ from reality and justifying it within these seemingly irrefutable facts above, I stopped advocating such ideas in my head and it wasn’t something easy to stop identifying myself with, because as long as I held to my reasons, justifications and blame toward all of us humans for creating the world system ‘as is’ and causing so much destruction and suffering towards what’s here, I was focusing only on the idea of doing what seems right or fair as a form of vendetta that life could take on us, and me accepting it in a form of apparent martyrdom, lol – but more and more I started realizing that I in fact liked to entertain those thoughts of imminent destructions because in reality, I wanted an easy way out of our responsibility that we all hold and have to what is here as our creation, which is this whole world as is.

How do I see that I’ve been slowly but surely changing this approach is based on how I interact with reality. A daily example is how I watch or read news everyday as I’ve shared before in blogs, and how I continually work on not allowing information ‘get a hold of me’ and so driving myself to feed again that self-destructive or ‘end of the world’ type of desire, which became even a sort of experience at an energetic level where a part of me would be really wishing everything to just go wrong and end ‘asap’.

Here what happens when not entertaining those ‘easy way out through destruction’ thoughts any longer and making peace with the realization that: we are not going anywhere, we are here to build the solutions from the ground up, bit by bit, no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘hard’ it may seem, there is like a point of ‘making peace’ with who I am, with what is here as our reality, with what we’ve become as human beings and so instead of continually being existing in friction and conflict towards ‘us’ as the creators of what is here, ‘building my case’ to kind of ‘prove to life’ that ‘we are not worthy as human beings, that we should be eradicated from the face of the earth ASAP’, I have been instead focusing more on seeing where I can start, where do we have to start as human beings to build sustainable solutions from the ground up, and this starts at a very individual level really, which is why I and many others are focusing on this level of self-awareness and so self-creation along with others to understand how is it that as we all go changing one by one, long lasting external changes will invariably also be created as a result of this individual self-change.

With this I am implying how my way of looking at things changed from destruction to creation. I am more grounded and realistic, more ‘here’ in the sense of embracing and accepting what is existent as ourselves, as this world – not to leave it ‘as is’ of course, but to simply stop continually fighting it in a silent yet continuous mode and I can definitely say that this continuous inner fight projected on the ‘outside’ leads nowhere other than procrastinating the real process of self-change that we can start by and with ourselves first. In short, I stopped ‘blaming’ and instead focused more on starting with changing this very aspect of ‘blaming’ and projecting my own experiences onto ‘the world out there’ – self responsibility first of all.

I find it somehow easier to see reality for what it is, to go stopping the judgments that I would usually entertain and feed within the idea of still building a case as to why we are just ‘lost’ and ‘without a remedy therefore we should just cease to exist’, seeing ourselves – human beings – as a cosmic joke, a mistake that should have never been and it is this kind of experiences of disgust, misanthropy in a way and a deep desire to just ‘end it all’ that would continually cloud my view of reality even in subtle yet ever present ways that would be creating this noise for me to not be able to see the potential in me and so in others in a full and crystal clear manner, because there were these constant back doors within me as seemingly ‘hidden desires’ for a ‘quick fix’ really, a way to just ‘end it all’ and not have to face the actual process of learning to recognize and take responsibility for our creation, to understand what is it that we’ve exactly accepted and allowed and so be willing to self forgive, let go of that past and do the work to actually change ourselves to something that we can live with and stand by for the rest of our existence.

Here it’s clear for me to see that one can have the greatest understanding of things and be agreeing with principles and ideas that represent a better outcome for all life, but I saw myself how as long as I held on to these ‘backdoors’ as ‘way outs’ that I still held as something that ‘makes sense’ that is ‘justifiable’ and is an ‘acceptable’ thing to exist within me, I would still eventually exert those beliefs as experiences and judgments that I would project onto ‘humanity’ out there. It’s interesting because I didn’t create a particular ‘personal fight’ against a particular faction of human beings, but all of them/us ‘en masse’ and so whenever doing that exercise where one can bring up the first word that comes to mind when holding in our minds an image of humanity, all that came up in me was an experience I can encompass as disdain, despair, disappointment, disgust, things that represented that part of myself that was not yet seeing the potential that each one of us hold within ourselves, which is of course yet to be developed.

So, upon walking those judgments that would turn into experiences that I would project towards ‘humanity’, I realized how I was only doing what most of us human beings do: blame, being lame in seeing others as ‘the problem’ for what we are experiencing, which as much as I could have reasons and validations for this experience with me based on the, yes, obvious destruction and enslavement we’ve imposed to all life, I had to also realize that there is really no point in blaming as that only keeps me locked into this fatalist experience, seeing no potentials in other beings – therefore within myself – and at the same time, it becomes a comfort zone to not actually change me, challenge me, my views because I believe that ‘I am right, I am making a point with those desires!’ – but that righteousness is precisely what easily blinds us from understanding where we are in fact still reacting, still blaming  – even in very subtle ways – like in the form of ‘doing justice’ or ‘doing what’s right’ yet still holding such experience within me that came from a starting point of giving up, of not wanting to do the actual work and dedication it will take to sort anything out in this world, starting with ourselves.

Therefore, I find it very relevant to check every time that I see myself getting again into that ‘despondent’ experience within me, where I start again building my ‘web’ or my case for seeing ‘no way out’ for us as human beings, which can be as easily as going into the streets and making a mind-decision to focus more on all the things that are wrong, that are consequential, that are creating problems, all the interactions between people that seem problematic and emotional, all the poverty, all the disregard for one another and go building my case as to why it is futile to stand up for any change because ‘look at humanity! It’s impossible!’ Really?

I’ll dare to say nope, it’s not – because I am living this change myself and I am walking it in a very real time process with people in my life that many others could have probably given up on long ago, which is still a process to walk but every day It assists me in seeing what is possible in real time change, only requiring a directive decision and awareness by each one of us to do so, and it’s quite marvelous and I can say for the first time this is not only me doing it in my own life, but also seeing it first hand in the lives of many that I also have the fortune to be walking with in this process and assisting directly as well in their personal Desteni I Process courses.

So whenever I get to feel ‘despondent’ towards the things out there in the world, whenever I get to feel that way in ‘rough times’ I can now use yesterday’s word and remind myself of Hope as an indication that my experience is letting me know there are new ways to explore to create solutions, there is a need to check within myself where is it that I am giving up and so how can I practically create ways through and solutions to the situation I am in or that I can contribute to in the lives of others.

I can therefore openly say that we are the hope for humanity, for real, because we are actively working individually and together in many parts around the world to start one by one creating and sticking to living this self-change that for many that have come and gone, seemed impossible. I definitely can understand all the reasons of why some decided to not follow through with it, I can understand every weakness that leads oneself to make such decisions because in one way or another, I’ve faced those myself in many ways including intense manners as well. But I am also glad to say that those were supportive challenges for me to continually re-affirm my vow to my life and the life in everything/us all – they have been parts of what I can call ‘the eye of the needle’ tests that I’m sure I’ll have to keep on walking through because this is only what is common sensical to do if we are to stand as individuals that can truly stand one and equal to life in all ways, I would not allow half-ways or dubious selves to be part of it.

This is then a realization and sharing of one of  my most tricky, yet ever present, obstacles that I have been able to ‘crackdown’ within myself in the past few months, and it’s quite a lol as well because it’s that which I had become or ‘lived’ within myself to such an extent that I was not even questioning such ‘nature’ in me as this character or set of patterns that saw ‘no way out’ but still found it important to stick to walking this process, while I was still holding on to a part of my easy-way-out ego that preferred to not see potential so as to not have to do the actual work to unearth it, ‘carve it out’, sculpt it and polish it so to speak, which means to actually develop and create something. In essence, diminishing myself in the belief that I could not ‘keep up with’ or be able to stick through the actual process to do this, but here I am going to challenge and prove that self-belief wrong by doing this for real.

This year is coming to an end and as much as it is funny to see people in social media ‘hating’ 2016, I more like understand where that sentiment is coming from, and as much as I could have joined that same charade in older times, I stand corrected with gratefulness for all the various challenges and changes and definitive decisions I took on this year which were quite a few, all of them having their ‘2 cents’ forcing me to look at deeper within me in order to process stuff, to change, which is great I mean, how else could I have gotten to that if it wasn’t for these challenges in our reality?

So, one thing is certain and that is how I definitely don’t see the world as I used to at the beginning of this year, I am committing myself to keep developing that focus on potential, on what is possible, on what can be worked on, carved out, sculpted and polish in each one of us and it’s truly gratifying to do this, I cannot be more grateful than being able to have the trust and confidence of other people walking this process directly with me as assisting them in walking through this same process in a parallel mode with myself, which is definitely not only a ‘one way’ form of support, it’s absolutely mutual as well. I definitely would like us all human beings to be able to do this for each other, to create relationships of support, care, nurturing each other’s lives and having that starting point of being there for each other, genuinely care to contribute in someone’s life to be better in whichever way we can, that’s what to me life is about, at least my current definition of course, but has certainly become one of my living purposes without a doubt.

Looking back to ‘check ourselves’ is cool and to keep a note on all the points yet to be worked on in the following year.

Thanks for reading aaand

Please give yourself some time to hear this awesome episode of Desteni Radio that definitely inspired and evoked this reflection within me today:

 

Desteni Radio # 10 – Joe Goes Mad Part 2: There is no Quick Fix

 

and a great quote from it:

 

Joe

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:


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