Tag Archives: self growth

635. #EqafeDiscovery: From Wanting to Help to Being the Best for Me and Sharing It

 

I was listening to the Eqafe recording  I Just Want to Help – Quantum Systemization – Part 121 and I recognize that this programming is quite ingrained within me and I’ve basically lived out this pattern of wanting to help, wanting to save or fix another person throughout most of my life or since I have memory. The ‘funny’ thing is that I knew it, but I would still do it because I believed that my intent was ‘good’ and therefore “it would not do any harm to the other person to at last – apparently – feel supported by a helping hand.” So the story begins… hehe

I created various – if not most – of my personal relationships from this starting point which of course, led them all to have to cease to exist, because the whole starting point was for me to become their helper, their ‘savior’ and their ‘fixer’ which I then used as an excuse to not solely focus on what was My experience in my relationship to them – meaning, to see and focus on getting to acknowledge what were my reactions, my backchat, my emotions and feelings emerging towards them – and instead I solely focused ‘on them’ and trying to assist them or support them, this is taking on the ‘savior’ mode and attempt to control, manipulate and ‘direct’ them to what I perceived was a better path or a better way of being. The results are varied, mostly ending up in disappointment on my side of course when realizing that I was offering, giving and wanting to change and fix others that were not asking for it, nor were looking at ‘changing themselves’ – it was ‘just my imagination’ lol. Which I don’t judge really, I do have a tendency to see the potential that people can be but there’s a huge step from seeing such potential to living it, and I know for a fact it takes work and it is just futile to try and have someone do this for themselves if there is no intent to do so.

In other cases some were explicitly ‘open’ to be supported, but it became the sole point of the relationship in the sense that, there were no two individuals standing as equals, I always placed myself as the one that considered had to be the ‘helping hand’ towards the other, and this of course also became a very draining situation, which would turn into a suppressed of inner- conflicts that I invariably had to end one way or another. This means, the relationships could not stand this way because its starting point was compromising both of our responsibilities and self-integrity, we were only supporting each others’ personality roles.

So, this audio I shared at the beginning of this blog opens up about a situation where a person wants to help when they have not walked their own process first, and when their sole purpose of interacting with others was to immediately see what they could fix or help them to change because of immediately seeing certain aspects as flaws or problems. I can relate a lot to this approach too. In fact, many times I created my own emotional ‘problems’ in order to kind of understand how to ‘help’ people around me and try to understand their experiences… but it is a fact that I cannot walk ‘all kinds of experiences’ on my own to be able to walk through them and then share about to help others, lol, Nope. That’s where the relevance of walking a process like we do at Desteni comes in, because person walks through specific patterns, ways of doing things, particular situations that may be very common or similar for several ‘kinds of people’ so to speak, and so the support comes when we share about our experiences, how we face them and how we support ourselves to stand up from them or change in them.

This also creates a network of support where perhaps I can see someone is experiencing something and they are asking for support and I see that I would like to support them but, I am learning to see within me if I can relate to their experience and if I don’t, then I provide links to Eqafe recordings to understand that particular pattern or experience, I direct them to some other Destonian blogs that I’ve come across with that may relate to what they are facing, or directly ask them to go to the forum to place it there and see who can relate to that specific situation and share their self-support.

This has been a learning process to me, it’s a bit hard to know when to step in to support and when to let go of this want to ‘give the answers’ if you will as in providing ‘the way’ they can support themselves, or ‘ease’ their pain, suffering or emotional experience. But I’ve seen how this had also become a blinding point for me, because I do have a tendency to focus and worry more about others and in that, it is somewhat easy to leave myself out of the self-support equation. That’s a problem to correct.

What I’m currently working on is in placing ‘me’ first not as a point of selfishness, but in the realization of what has been a lifelong pattern where I tend to worry more about others, to want to save, fix, change and help others out first and not really looking at what am I causing to myself and my own body and life when merely and solely focusing on everything and everyone outside of myself, and neglecting me in it all.

In the end, I’ve come to see how I have projected my own need to support me first upon others and this is also a very common distraction created in our minds, where instead of focusing on ourselves, we project it ‘out there.’ Lol I laugh because this is an ongoing point within me and it even happened quite recently where in an attempt to support or give seemingly ‘good ideas’ to someone facing a particular difficulty in their lives – and I don’t particularly have a close relationship with – it kind of backfired because of trying to ‘help’ someone that is clearly not in such mindset of seeing the relevance of ‘supporting’ themselves first. So an idea I had on ‘how to make things better’ simply became another outlet to reinforce their righteousness about the problem they have created for themselves and recreate a point of blame….

I was talking about this with my partner and one of my friends and realized: Oh-oh, shit,  I’ve done it again, had a seemingly ‘good idea’ and it backfired, because I can’t have good intentions and pretend they will simply work out with someone that is not even willing to look back at themselves as the source of a problem! I learned the lesson. I agree that I have to let go of these good intentions with people that I barely know or actually know are not in such stance where they are ready to take self-responsibility for something or are in the process of wanting to at least do something about it within themselves. Extending a helping hand to someone that is blatantly ‘spewing’ back at you so to speak is not the way, at all, lol. It is the mother-Theresa construct again in me that I need to stop.

It needs to stop here because I do create certain stress within me about such situations where I see someone ‘needs help’ but of course I know I can’t be such ‘changer’ or ‘point of help’ for them. What’s the answer then? Well, lol, my mother just sent me this internet pic about people that are called ‘crazy’ – just like she calls me in a tenderly manner lol – who get concerned with other people’s suffering and want to make things better for everyone, so upholds such hope in the way they live. Well, I am sort of that but there is an equilibrium needed where I just don’t go ‘concerning’ with people’s suffering and make it a concern of my own.  I mean, my body just immediately pointed this out in the situation I described above in saying ‘nope, nope, nope don’t go there again!’ And so it was supportive to share about it with my partner and he pointed out the same ‘Stop trying to help people that are not asking for it’ and that is so. Even if they were only asking for it, it’s not enough if they are not understanding what it entails to live self-support.

It is not an act of selfishness to do this, it is an act of self-love and self-responsibility and applying common sense. I am totally willing to be a point of support for someone that is willing to support themselves and not only ‘willing’ because I’ve also ‘been there and done that’ and it is not enough to have someone say ‘yes I am willing to do this for the best of me’ – but actually LIVE the words with their every word, thought and deed and have their lives be a visible proof of that. This is where I currently am for example in my partnership relationship and I can see the difference of what a ‘hassle’ or a ‘burden’ felt like before when placing myself as ‘the savior’ in my personal relationship and how it is when two people simply join their lives while already living self-support for themselves – even if it is in very different ways or paths – which enables one another to become a point of support for each other whenever we lose ourselves in ‘our ways’ to a point where we no longer are aware of it. But this doesn’t become a ‘dragging’ situation or a burden, it becomes a feedback process that, to me, is one of the most enjoyable parts of a relationship, because we get to create more intimacy that way, seeing ‘deeper’ within each other and getting to know our weaknesses and strengths which is great, but no longer feel like ‘I’ have to ‘sort someone out’ – which was a mistake in any case throughout all the times I lived out this savior-complex in my relationships.

My partner has a way of approaching life and situations in a way in which I wasn’t brought up by my parents, but he was and that’s how he’s come to be the person he is. He didn’t have that constant ‘helping hand’ for him, so he had to build who he is from scratch and I can see how that can be a way to strengthen one’s character as well, because there is no sense of ‘needing help’ really, but simply deciding to do things and getting on it in with whichever tools and ways he had with limited resources. This perspective seems ‘way too tough’ for people that he usually shares this perspective with – including myself – because most of us avoid having to stand up on our own feet or fear having to confront such absolute ‘nothingness’ point to stand up from it and create ourselves from scratch. And this is how this ‘fear’ of having nothing or no one as a ‘helping hand’ also becomes a projection of ‘wanting to help others’ to not ‘feel’ or ‘go through’ what may be at times – if not all times – a necessary part of our process to grow, mature and actually strengthen ourselves. This is to no longer fear existing in such ‘helplessness’ points but see them as the opportunities to start from scratch in self-creation.  

He was telling me the butterfly story while it is in its chrysalis and how one person once saw the incipient butterfly was struggling to get out of the chrysalis, so the human gave a ‘helping hand’ by cutting it and allowing the butterfly to come out… the result? The butterfly died because part of her process was to go through such struggle or difficulty to strengthen herself in order to survive.

I can totally see how I can stifle someone’s personal process of growth and learning to stand up for themselves when attempting to immediately join in and ‘help out’ and try and fix or sort out others’ problems… it’s just not the way.

So, it has really been a constant point for me to continue creating awareness of and I still have to learn to take a step back, get back to my senses out of that ‘itching’ desire to help someone and instead consider the benefits of having them stand on their own two feet and decide to do it by themselves. Otherwise, I become another ‘cane’ they walk with and become dependent ‘on me’ or on anything else to continue walking their life and that is mutual enslavement, mutual dishonor  – I’ve been there and done that and it’s not a happy ending.

Therefore! I have to continue applying what I’ve defined as tough love which I’ve shared about before, which I have applied in the past as well, but only after a long time of wanting to fix someone’s life. I realize I don’t have to get to such point as a last resort, but have it as a starting point. This way I won’t immediately try and jump to ‘help another’ but instead rather see how they do on their own, let them be and see how they are living their own willingness to support themselves. This also implies to completely let go of wanting to save, fix or change ‘the world’ but simply share myself, what I’ve learned, what I’ve walked through and realized about myself without a hidden intent to create such impact that ‘it changes people’  – lol, that’s not really possible, only self-change, self-motivation, self-will can do that – no one can ever ‘be’ or ‘do’ that for you, we always have to do it for ourselves which is great because that’s the essence of self-responsibility and the essence of the principle of what’s best for all. How can one ever be ‘best for all/others’ if one is not ‘best for self’ first?

So I’ll continue assessing these moments when wanting to save, help or fix another’s’ life and take all of these points into consideration, to not be ‘driven’ by wanting to alleviate someone else’s suffering. I personally know how supportive it is to do this for myself, and how that creates an actual experience of strengthening myself in seeing how my own efforts and dedication work and that is what I can then share with others as well, which is what I decide to define as support: to share myself from my own experience without attempting others to ‘follow it to the T’ and ‘change their lives’ with it – it’s like a form of unconditional love, which is a cool thing  to do.  A friend of mine was telling me about this and how he notices that in me, that I am already living this result of what I’ve been applying and as such,  one understands the necessity and importance to share one’s process in ‘getting there’, yet doing so without ‘forcing’ others to do so, it is a form of unconditional sharing and that’s something I’ll continue to do because that’s what satisfies me the most and it’s ‘effortless’ in the sense that I’m not trying to convince anyone anymore, I’m just me, I share me and what I learn in my life for whoever wants to take it in – and that’s simply part of my responsibility of being part of the whole  that has found certain ways that work for me to support me J

Ok thanks for reading! And here are other blogs that I’ve written about similar topics:

520. Self-Accountability and Tough Love

 

552. Who Am I as a Savior?

 

519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

 

502. From Feeling Sorry to Owning our Consequences

 

506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

 

 

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Mantis, Bernard Poolman 

 

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574. Embracing Maturity

Or deciding to accept the fruits of self-work as a consistent self-created quality in me

 

In the recent weeks I was able to notice some petty things that I still would ‘get me out of my center’ so to speak, where something as simple as rolling my eyes about a certain comment or situation that I would physically – by rolling eyes – judge as either ‘bothering’ or ‘too obvious already’ or in a moment of being shown my limitations became a playful moment where in seeing myself through another’s eyes, I became aware of this pattern that I’ve been living as a form of reminiscence of the ‘teenage me’ that is represented by having to ‘oppose’ something, being antagonistic or judgmental of things that aren’t standing in alignment with a particular personality I am embodying in a moment. Sounds a bit complex so, an example: if someone is bringing up a subject in me that I have created a strong opinion on, and that other person expresses something that goes ‘against that belief’ I have on it, then rolling my eyes would be a way to kind of say ‘ah well I disagree/that’s you not me/yeah whatever’ and in that moment I am not really being the considerate and understanding me, but I am instantly putting on this ‘suit’ of personality where I have limited myself quite a bit in a particular ‘way of thinking,’ which I was able to see with more clarity recently.

Another point is where I am of course at a point in life where time passes by and I am no longer the ’21 year old’ that was sharing her turmoil in life and all the rocky ups and downs of my experience – not to judge here an age though, but in my case it’s been 9 years and naturally things have progressed since then – which I realize I don’t have to ‘stick to’ as a way to feel that I’m still not ‘self-aware’ enough or that I still have some ‘personality traits’ to process, when I know that it simply requires me to let go of those limitations as habits and step into the potential of myself, which is devoid of such ‘inner troubles.’

Something else that apparently was ‘opposed’ to living maturity is ‘childish’ expression that I have at times judged or denied, but at the same time I’ve used it as a way to not give that ‘next step’ in my life, which opened up with looking at the word Maturity and embracing it in me, which is definitely ‘here’ in the way that I experience myself and in how I’m now seeing me, my life and my way forward in life.

Throughout this whole process with Desteni, I’ve been very much aware of all of the personalities that I had built as ‘myself’ and worked through them for the most part, though with that comes responsibility as well, a ‘next step’ in self-growth that will surely come with changes in life, making more self-aware decisions and in essence taking my life more seriously than before, which is where this ‘teenage me’ wanted to remain as, where I could still have some ‘leeway’ to not be entirely embodying a word such as maturity, because in a way I consider we all fear fully embodying that responsibility, fully stepping into the ‘creator’-suit and live the authority it implies which comes with full responsibility as well.

How I see it is that in this idea of being a ‘teenager’ or someone that is ‘not ready yet’ or ‘not ripe yet’, we create a comfort zone to – excuse the words – but fuck around with our potential, where we still want to remain like ‘children’ in a way where we don’t have to fully take our whole lives into our hands, and remain with a veil of conflict, of ‘not knowing,’ of ‘uncertainty,’ of ‘hardship’ and ‘foolishness’ but not the expressive one, but more like the denial of one’s capability to fully grow, expand, be ‘ripe’ and so mature as a result of what one has walked, worked and understood through something like this process of self-awareness and self-change as I’ve done with Desteni and the Desteni tools.

It is funny how I had many times projected this ‘teenage experience’ onto ‘humanity out there’ without fully taking the point back to myself to see how and in what ways I was still living this same ‘fear’ of ‘growing up’ to actually be the best that I know I can in every moment of my life and own my creation.

Interestingly enough, as much as I know I can fully take that position of living Maturity, there is a slight noise in the back of my head that would want to remain in this ‘lesser’ version of me, which is absolutely ludicrous, but that’s how we’ve conditioned ourselves to never fully step into the creative authority we can in fact live by, but still have this ‘leeway,’ this ‘gray area’ to remain ‘in the process’ eternally, to apparently ‘never be ready’ or never be fully ‘ripe’ to live to our fullest capacity, and that’s nothing else but self-manipulation coming in the ways of resistance and fears.

Now, some of the things I had to dispel from the word maturity is the idea that I would have to become ‘rigid’ or ‘stoic’ or ‘serious’ and stop being playful, foolish and fun – lol, it’s actually the other way around in fact, where this whole idea of me having to be serious, rigid, stoic, show ‘no emotion’ and be essentially this ‘poster idea of virtue’ is definitely only a personality that I did live out for most of my life in various ways, in various circles of people and I’m definitely ready to let go of those ideas that I created and so projected back at me as ‘who I am,’ and instead embrace myself, the expression that I see is most congruent with where I currently am in my life and being able to trust myself that whatever I decide to do, is my responsibility, I am aware of my capabilities, skills, my decisions, my weaknesses and strengths as I continue discovering more and more about myself, which is truly a fascinating process to me, even more so when I decide to make a significant change in my life that assists me in stepping out of old-age patterns, like the ones I’ve been describing in previous blogs about morality and this notion of ‘being an example for others’ in a form of personality or ego that became a limitation for me.

So, along with this maturity comes the ability to trust myself to express playfulness, to not let go of that expression that can be very childlike in me yet, this does not mean I cannot embrace this maturity at the same time, because I am the only one that has created such limitations of ‘what I can or should be’ and what I am apparently ‘not able to live yet.’

It’s really about deciding to live and embody words and some words like maturity to me are more of an outcome, a result, a consequence of various years now of self-work and giving me the right to recognize it as myself, the fruit of my work so to speak and stand as it without ego, without pretense or vainglory – but simply as the expression that I see is here as myself, yet I had in a way diminished or ‘covered it up’ to not fully embrace the responsibility that comes with it  – but! I’m definitely ready as I see the liberation and unleashing potential that comes with it.

To me this signifies my ability to choose letting go of ‘pettiness’ when it comes to these little ‘bothers’ that I’ve made a big deal in my life out of thinking that ‘I should still be ‘bothered’ by something’ or that ‘I cannot fully change something’, but, lol, who decides? I do! and I saw how these little ‘botherings’ are connected to personality suits to remain ‘limited’ and ‘diminished’ which makes no sense at all, because when stopping those I could see the mature, confident me that can still ‘roll eyes’ but do so in a playful manner and in awareness, as an expression, no more as an automated reaction based on an actual personality being triggered or accessed in a moment, and that’s what I want to be, someone that is ‘limitless’ in expression yet knowing every step of the way that ‘who I am’ in such expressions is truly me, in the moment – instead of acting out of mind-patterns and limitations, fears, judgments that I know I can let go of now, I just hadn’t made that full decision to do so yet, which is what I am actively working on currently.

All of this is also part of integrating that concept of ‘creative authority’ and what it means, which to me is like stepping into one’s optimum state and position in life where we can be the best for ourselves and so best for others as a by product of living ‘me’ to the fullest. And when I write this, memories of who I’ve been in the past come up whenever I denied taking that ‘leading role’ or whenever I feared being in the ‘center of the stage’ so to speak in taking a greater responsibility because of not wanting to fully assume my responsibility in it – and only now do I realize that that’s where real fulfillment exists in me, where I satisfy my capacity, where I ‘use’ what I am, the matter I am as life, to the best of my ability.

I also then assist myself in embracing this ‘result’ of self-work in my life, not in an egotistical manner seeking others’ praise and recognition –or as a form of superiority – but entirely accepting it, embracing it as who I am, as a result of something I’ve been putting effort and work on in my life, which makes absolute sense to get to a certain stage of ‘maturity’ in something, a phase of expertise, of gathering more confidence in being effective in something after putting the time and effort into it, instead of believing that I will always remain ‘flawed’ and ‘on the way’ and ‘in process’ of getting to a basic self-stability and fulfillment.

Now, this does not mean I am ‘done’ in any way with any self-creative process, not at all. I consider this that we call ‘the process’ is really a continual thing for the rest of our existence – not even limited to ‘this lifetime’ – so I am not speaking in those terms, but certainly acknowledging the phases that I can in self-honesty assess I’ve walked through, which then opens up the way for what’s next, which is an expansion, growth, more challenges and a ton more to discover, change, learn and fine tune about myself, while also acknowledging these ‘milestones’ in deciding, assessing and recognizing when we are ‘ripe’ within ourselves. Maybe I have been so for some time, but I had not dared to declare it, accept it or embrace it, so this is me placing this word in front of my eyes to embrace it and continue exploring the ways in which I can live it out as who I am and who I want to live and express as myself.

Here I share a supportive couple of audios from Eqafe.com that assisted me to realize this ‘authority’ that we essentially have to give to ourselves. I fully recommend them in order to decide to take that ‘next step’ in self-creation and self-change:

 

Thanks for reading.

 

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