Tag Archives: self honesty

607. Understanding Individual Self-Honesty

 

There is a relevant thing that I got to recently finally understand about how there’s this tendency in me that has become ‘so much me’ that I don’t actually notice unless there’s immediate feedback for me to look at it, and this is not an entirely ‘new’ thing for me but it led me to understand some self-honesty 101 basics – again! lol.

 

So! The point is when I want others to live and do things ‘my way’ as ‘the best way’ when it comes to approaching a particular experience, pattern or reaction, and I use sentences like ‘If I were you I would be doing this & that’ or ‘what I have done in such situations is this/that so, you can consider doing it as well’ where I don’t really see how even if words may not sound ‘malicious’ as such, this is where I have to apply self-honesty and observe myself in terms of ‘who am I’ in those words I am saying, what is the background physical experience, what are the desired outcomes of it?

 

What I did notice is that as there was building pressure as a reaction within me coming from a desire to get things ‘worked through’ the way that I wanted so that I could obtain a desired outcome through another ‘doing something the way I see would be best’ in terms of processing a point/pattern. And it is cool because this kind of ‘building pressure’ about something is not an ‘invisible experience’ to me and I can barely communicate or function properly if I have any subtle reaction that I am not directing.

 

So, I am grateful that there was communication around this point so that I could realize how I had changed my voice tonality and how I was imposing myself in order to get things done ‘my way’ yet coming through as a form of support. Now this is why it becomes tricky to look at it as something to keep an eye on for people like me that tend to be a bit too focused on controlling others or expecting others to do things the same way I do them or deal with them, yet at the same time I have to be very clear on seeing whether I am expecting, wanting or needing a particular outcome which becomes this ‘nagging’ force behind my words and expression, and that’s the point that I had to walk through in writing for myself, where I had to ask myself what was my self-interest point in that situation? What was I expecting? What was I desiring? What did I have to let go of and in doing so, genuinely understand and embrace another person in the totality of who they are and how they walk their own living process? Which was quite revealing and settling for myself to do.

 

However the bottom line here is how I got to remind myself how many times I want thing to be done in a specific way, having certain expectations of how things can be ‘worked through’ and believe that if ‘this’ works for me, then it ‘should work for you too’ – when the reality of the situation is that in that, I am making of my process, my own understanding and self-honesty a formula that I am trying to impose onto others and in that, forgetting about each individual’s unique process, awareness and development of their own solutions in life based on each one’s particular and unique living experience. That’s that! I am seeing how more and more comparison and judgment are one of the main ways in which I tend to become very absolutist, extremist and forget about truly seeing, understanding and embracing others in who they are/as they are/what they are.

 

What I see then is that I require to learn to not immediately go into the ‘do as I did’ mentality or ‘do as I have proven to myself something works’ because there are no real formulas in learning to walk through our minds and living our lives, no matter how similar each one of us might be, we cannot ever really copy and paste solutions with one another, nor expect similar results at all. This also comes as a relevant detail to share here considering that many of us walking the Desteni Process share our realizations, our practical solutions – yet, they are all but references, paths, ways, methods that may or may not assist others, yet in sharing them it is simply realizing that each individual has a particular way to get from point A to point B in self-change, and the variety of ways and methods will most likely be as many as individuals walking their living process, and that’s what’s also cool about learning from each other, referencing writings and solutions, so that we can then ultimately come up with our own ways and methods and grow the network of supportive words to create solutions in our lives, which are very much needed.

 

I also realized how I have to be patient, flexible and understanding of how other people walk through their own points and in that, understand what it means to be supportive without imposing myself/my ways/ my methods. If anything I can only share how I have walked similar points, but in that, I have to also make sure that my sharing is not coming from a desire of another person ‘taking it on’ and following it to the T and get the same result… nope, that’s not how life works.

What this opened up is how there have been times where I had made of my own application of self-honesty almost a religion, a one way or the highway look at life and walking through our challenges, patterns or limitations ‘as they come’ and ‘in the moment’ or ‘right now’ which sure, some people can do, but not everyone has to, not everyone is at that space and moment in their lives to do so either.

Therefore I had to ask myself, what is the rush to push something onto someone this way? The answer is a desire for a person to realize certain things, potentials and obviously have to check what kind of self-interest or personal benefit would I get from such ‘instant application’ – or what am I fearing in case it’s not ‘happening’? So that I can be clear and devoid of expectations or hidden agendas.

I also have to consider that whenever I push any realization or suggestion of ‘what to do’ onto anyone, I can also be preventing them from being their own drive and decision to move, change or align certain aspect in their lives –  I realize that it comes through as a push that can prevent the other person from realizing it themselves, and rather understanding that there’s a pace, a space and time for each person to decide how they want to walk their process and their life, I cannot really force or rush anything as such.

From this I realize I can bring things to someone’s awareness, so as to prevent further misunderstandings or an unnecessary escalation of assumptions leading to conflicts, which is why communication is so relevant at all times when even the most ‘subtle’ movements come up within oneself in relation to another person.  So, I definitely have to keep on practicing my understanding and consideration towards others, to be patient and generally ‘slow down’ when it comes to wanting to ‘process something’ and ‘get it done/out of the way’ in a rushed manner, which is more of an approach that comes from a lack of understanding of how life takes place, which is moment by moment… can’t really rush anything and no matter how much one can write about the point or matter in the moment, there will still be a process that unfolds in real time – space and time – to actually live the changes, so, I definitely have to chill with this ‘rush’ to get things done asap.

If I look at it from my personal perspective, I would also feel pressured if someone came to tell me what to do and how to walk through a point, and it is quite interesting that I had not seen that within myself as something I would not want for myself, yet it was disguised as an idea of support where I wasn’t in fact considering other people and their ways, methods and relationship with themselves in my usual ‘push’ to ‘process’ certain things, so that’s where self-honesty and this process, as much as there are common principles and tools, suggested ways and methods, there’s ultimately no cookie-cutter solution that fits-all the same way, and that’s why the principles stand the same, yet the ways and methods are as varied and unique as there are human beings walking it.

What I learn from this is being considerate, understanding and flexible in taking another’s process into consideration, to not fully go ahead of myself and themselves in trying to assist in ways that become an imposition and ultimately a limitation for the process of SELF Realization: it’s personal, it’s individual, it’s unique and cannot be forced or directed by anyone else but oneself. Yep! Seems tautological but! I seem to forget about it, therefore writing it down is the way to integrate these realizations as well.

In that, I take it back to self, being able to trust myself in walking my own points, sharing how I’ve done mine without an expectation of others to do it ‘the same way’, but to have a simple reference of the many ways that our lives can be lived, redirected and recreated. Mine is one way, but there are as many ways as there are human beings in this life and that’s then the individuality in equality.

 

We all walk the same process but each one’s is entirely unique and that’s what makes it so fascinating because then the beauty of getting to know someone implies also getting to know how they decide to take on points of change in their life, how they are discovering things about themselves, how they face particular challenges, what they decide to live on as a solution, what worked for them, what didn’t work and so forth, and that’s what I find actually fascinating, more so than me wanting to push certain ‘solutions’ right away, which is by all means limiting and unnecessary – done deal, lol.

 

So in this, patience is a key word for me and understanding, because I tend to jump ahead into seeing how a plus b equals c, why not doing it right now? Instead of realizing that not everyone operates in this way and that I can also consider being more flexible and gentle with myself when I sometimes also approach a point of self-investigation in an attempt to ‘get it all done’ in one go, which is not really possible or even desirable because then again, the drive and desire that’s driving this investigation is ‘to get it done’ and wanting to be living a result, but in that, I’m missing out myself as the living process of developing the solution, learning from my mistakes, understanding the space and time it takes to create solutions and the enjoyment there is in getting to know how others approach similar situations as well, which becomes also a way to expand myself.

 

So in terms of facing a point within me, I realize I can trust myself in seeing whether I can direct it in the moment or have to let it brew so to speak, let it develop, sometimes let it be until I can see what a particular experience, reaction or pattern is all about, instead of immediately wanting to ‘tackle it’ which comes with this rush and fear of creating consequences or fear of making mistakes or not getting a desired outcome, etc. and that self-interest is ultimately what creates all of this ‘subtle’ yet very noticeable movement within that becomes a rigidity, a stiffness… now I know it’s the me that wants to control and then I know I have to ask myself basic questions to see what I have to consider, understand, let go of, embrace and move into a point of consideration towards others.

 

What becomes relevant with this realization as well is how with this consideration of giving myself space and time to actually ‘walk’ the process of self-change and self-creation, at the same time I am aware that I can trust myself in actually doing it, so as to not go into the extreme of being too lax about it or not actively being ‘on it’- without forcing it. As with everything, it’s a fine balance to not go into the extremes, so what I became aware of is the extreme of push, force and imposition that a point of intended support can come with – even more so when there are hidden agendas that I have to sort out for myself first – instead of giving space and time for self-creation and self-realization, not only towards others but starting within myself first of all. Yep! Not the first time I share about this control and imposition point, but I rather write it out again so that it stays fresh in my awareness as well, because essentially process is walked in every moment, so can’t be really ‘done’ with something if new dimensions/aspects of one pattern or personality open up in a different situation or with a different person than before, so in that sense each opportunity again is unique to look at these points.

 

A great audio support that I recommend checking out to understand more about these ‘mini-possession’ moments is Living Nightmare: Background Noise Possessions at Eqafe.com, which has a lot to do with these interactions and communication in relationships, so that we can support each other to not escalate an experience within us, but can assist one another in becoming aware of it so that each one can then decide how to take the point on and walk through it.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 Individuality in Equality

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

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557. Self-Leadership and the Message of Jesus

 

Being that today is a ‘Holy day’ it is a good opportunity to share some of the less seen perspectives that I’ve learned from Jesus’ leadership and message for humanity, one that we have squandered – for the most part – and turned into an image to idolize, instead of living the actual message of life in equality and developing ourselves to our utmost potential.

I was translating today the following audio The Birth of a Leader Begins with Self – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 105 which is in fact part of a series that speaks a lot about self-leadership and it was very supportive for me because it confirmed what I am seeing as a potential within myself to become and be part of the people that can assist many others to birth themselves as life, to walk this process, to tap into their utmost potential and essentially use my experience within this process – as well as what’s yet to come – in order to expand this potential to many more people that decides to start walking this process in their lives.

I also was translating another particularly interesting recording wherein Anu compares his leadership to that of Jesus and so he recognizes how Jesus’ intent and living purpose was effective in the sense of him ‘giving up’ his personal life (desires, wants and needs) in a way in order to place the message as his own life as an example for the few that surrounded him and became his disciples – who later on replicated the message and made it reach many more, albeit somewhat corrupted through the institutions this message came to be distributed through. But there are key principles that remain there such as the ones that are openly shared as part of the Desteni Message and that I have come to embrace and remind myself of and practice as I go: love thy neighbor as thyself, give as you would like to receive and do onto others as you would like to be done onto. Those are practical ways to live the message of equality.

However I’ll here focus on the very significant part that Jesus mentioned in this interview I cited above where there’s an actual openness for each one of us to consider living the message that was in essence truncated when he had his time on Earth, which was not to ‘follow’ him as a person, not to idolize him, but to realize we all could be and stand equal to him as self-leaders, as equal-leaders, where each one of us can develop and live to our utmost potential, which invariably then becomes a force of life in each one of us that can slowly but surely throughout generations result in the ‘change of the world’ many of us strive for, but it all starts with one being willing to live as such example, to share how we are walking this self-process and to assist in whichever way we can those that are also walking this process in their locations and realities around the world.

To me the internet is the way to now be and create our own hubs of ‘spreading the message’ of life in equality, of self-responsibility, of self-honesty where things like blogs, vlogs, group discussions can be shared around, reaching out to people that we would not have dreamed of possibly getting to prior to the invention of the internet. So, we have the infrastructure, the networking where all that is needed is us continuing to stand in such self-directed/self-leadership positions where we understand that ‘showing and sharing the way’ creates a potential for many more to wake up and see the potential that there is in this world, despite our continuous newsfeeds letting us know of new attacks in the Middle East, despite a few presidents going awry of their initial promises to stop war, despite the vast consequences that we’re facing in this world, I bet that what Jesus would come and share through his Facebook or twitter feed, would be to not lose sight of our potential, to not let ourselves be debased by only seeing the doom and gloom, the consequences of yes, what we’ve collectively created.

I bet he would suggest to focus on develop our self-leadership, on becoming assertive, directive, self-responsible, on being the example in our reality, being the best that we can be in our relationships with others, be living self-forgiveness in thought, word and deed and within doing so heal and restore the burnt bridges we’ve set alight in our endless quarrels against each other.

A message of unit might seem too challenging for now, therefore what I see is most viable is to start with a self-unity, because in doing so, learning how to in fact be embracing the totality of ourselves, we surely become a force of life that can be shared, taught, assisted to be lived by many more as well, and that’s what I take as my purpose in life, one that I didn’t have before I got to know the Desteni message which is nothing else but the Jesus Message as well. It is not an ‘easy’ one when we are hardwired to defend our egos at all cost, but it is the most honorable path to walk for sure.

So let’s continue to share ourselves, continuing to read and learn from each other because that’s what nurtures our lives and that’s what makes everything so much more substantial in the midst of seemingly ‘endless chaos’ at a global system level, that’s where we genuinely can do our part – wherever we are, no matter ‘what we do’ – where we stand united by principle and embodying this self-leadership as self-direction, enjoying ourselves within discovering and tapping into our living potentials and continuing ‘pass it on’ with the passion that Jesus did during his time on Earth.  

Thanks for reading

For those that are ready, here’s the series The Crucifixion of Jesus at Eqafe.com

And the particular trilogy I mentioned at the beginning of this blog to understand what Jesus’ role in this life process is really all about.

1.      What is Leadership to You? – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 103

2.      What is Blocking the Leader Within You? – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 104

3.      The Birth of a Leader Begins with Self – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 105

 

 

 

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555. Opinions and Self-Aware Assessments

 

“Opinions are always ego and are never aware of what is life really

opinions can only exist in the mirror as ego” –  Bernard Poolman  

Here I’m having a look at how I become complicit to building the ego in our minds by giving worth, value and ‘the time of day’ to opinions and building an experience of ‘fearing’ certain opinions coming ‘from others’ in my life.

 

Now this is one of those things that it’s best to truly debunk and lay it out on ‘paper’ so to speak, because I’ve found myself still giving too much space – too much acceptance and allowance – to hypothetical opinions that I believe others may have about my life and my choices, decisions and fearing that there is something that I might ‘lose’ about myself through those opinions – like credibility, self-respect, honor – but is it really so?

 

Considering that an opinion is always coming from one’s own mind and experience in it, how can I base words or aspects – that I have to live in reality for and as myself -on others giving those attributes ‘to me’ through having a good or bad opinion about myself? It is the same as in believing that one is being truly free while living in fear of something and that’s impossible – same paradox with one believing that it is someone else that must ‘give credit’ to what one is or ‘validate’ who we are at their eyes.

 

What I’ve missed is how opinions as the building blocks of our minds/ego perpetuate and regenerate the same deception that we all collectively accept and allow through giving it ‘power’ through validation, giving it worth, giving a space into defining ourselves and ‘who we are’ through them.

 

So, is it really about ‘others’ opinions’ here that I am talking about? Or is it about the collectively and socially accepted opinions that I am in fact future-projecting as a potential outflow that I believe is ‘coming at me’ but in fact, is all entirely self-created – accepted and allow – within my own mind?

 

There’s in fact both actually, one is based on predicting the ‘usual patterns’ that may come through in the form of opinions from other people in my life – which is as predictable as I’ve seen it repeat over and over again in relation to everyone else’s life, due to it being a mind pattern and so that’s what patterns reveal: they repeat, they become predictable; and the other is in fact based on me building my own seemingly ‘innocent’ way of assessing someone’s life and consequences, where I have to be entirely honest with myself to see that as much as I believed I was being careful of not jumping into conclusions about something or someone, I in fact have done the exact same thing, many times, wherein in a possible attempt to ‘understand’ others, I jump into creating an opinion about their life, their choices without really getting to sit down with them and open up the point face to face.

 

If I look at it, we as human beings rarely do that, I know I haven’t. It’s been quite a minimal amount of times that I’ve ‘dared’ to open up a point that might be somewhat ‘deep’ with people in my reality, probably only with a handful and that’s entirely also dependent on how ‘deep’ another wants to explain and be vulnerable as well for me to have a ‘deeper context’ to themselves or something else.

 

Usually how we go about in society is creating quick ideas, assumptions, opinions of why someone ‘is’ the way they are, their life choices, decisions, their paths, their outcomes… so in a way opinions are an ‘easy fix’ to believe we have some sort of ‘awareness’ and ultimately a form of ‘control’ as knowledge and information about something or someone, that we use to then define ‘who we are’ in relation to that through values of the mind, which means we perpetuate the cycles of consciousness and inequality through this very seemingly ‘normal’ act of participating in opinions.

 

Here I see that my ‘fear of others’ opinions’ is as any fear, irrational, considering how the moment that I allow an opinion to define me, I am giving space for another’s assumption, projection and interpretation of myself or anything else in this reality to become a limitation to me – no matter how ‘good or bad’ the opinion is, because ultimately any quick assessment as ‘opinions’ are made within a limited time-frame and awareness of the person, a situation or a particular context, and I can see how quick I can be many times to think ‘I know’ how another person is and build a quick opinion about them, which are only blocks and limitations to really getting to know another person or entirely be able to physically exist in clarity within an environment without judging it from the get go and drawing a ‘first impression’ opinion to then believe I ‘know’ all about the thing, person or situation.

 

If opinions are to remain existing in this world, they will of course be entirely dependent on ‘who expresses the opinion’ and the quality of sharing a genuine assessment that has got sufficient time and/or awareness about something or someone to express an opinion about it. It will depend entirely on the person and ‘who they are’ in their lives, in their way of living, of interacting with others, of applying themselves in living principles so that then, an opinion ceases to exist as a quick judgment or assessment that leads to a misinterpretation of reality, but instead becomes an introduction, a perception within its own constrictions and limitations that attempts to give a glimpse and perspective about it, coming from an individual that can – at least – be a bit more aware and cautious of how we define, limit or expand ourselves through words.

 

In order for me to become this kind of being that can give such partial – yes – and somewhat limited assessments about something or someone as a ‘redefined opinion’ – I can learn to be careful and considerate with words that I have tended to throw around quite recklessly at times, which in my case has also been a result of my ‘quick’ jumping into conclusions, trying to ‘make sense’ of something, trying to understand something and giving off an opinion so as to make myself believe I ‘know’ or ‘understand’ something or someone, and this is what I’d like to stop existing as within myself and be that 1+ point in reality that can be more careful, considerate in creating these assessments, where I can be more aware of the words I speak – or think – about myself, anything and anyone in reality.

 

This way I can see that regardless of how ‘everyone else’ might relate themselves to their mind, their opinions and judgments, I can be aware and certain that I am the one that is changing my relationship to forming opinions and redefining them into a careful and considerate self-assessment that I can create in order to see the potentials, the points I can learn from something/someone, where I can place myself in a position of ‘placing myself in their shoes’ to at least trying to understand another from an equal stand point, where I am then not drawing conclusions in polarity or morality terms, but rather describing what I see, what I am aware of, what I can assess and conclude out of a direct experience with something or someone, where I can then be certain that I am not only speaking for the sake of ‘appearing to know’ about that something or someone, but in an actual self-commitment to be self-honest about what I see while taking my own responsibility to ensure that I am not harming, abusing, demeaning, caging or limiting something or someone in such ‘opinions’ as perceptions, perspectives or concepts I create about others or an part of reality in fact.

 

All of this I can see is what makes sense for me to do: taking it back to self, because if there’s been something constant in my life, is my own debunking of these quick judgments as opinions that I have created about something or someone through getting to know them and finding out that it or ‘they’ weren’t at all how I had thought they would be, and I end up completely blowing up my expectations, which means I had been too quick to judge, too quick to assume in an attempt to believe I know something, to believe I have ‘control’ over that which I am creating a judgment about.

 

This is how through me understanding the reasoning behind building an opinion in my case, I can place myself in the shoes of others when drawing conclusions or creating opinions about something and learn to see them for what they are: usually limited perceptions that we create when lacking the full and real context about something or someone and not knowing the details, intricacies and multi-dimensions or multiplicity of aspects that exist to everything and everyone in this reality, where we can only ‘draw conclusions’ from a point of comparison, of limitation, of judgments through our minds, which is what in fact separates us not only from really getting to know each other, but from actually considering a lot more than what meets the mind’s eye and senses.

 

This is also how I can instead focus on changing me through developing myself in terms of being careful to not be too quick to judge, too quick to create assumptions, too quick to want to ‘understand’ the intricacies of something or someone, when in fact, I have to give myself the space and time to see, realize and understand something or at least be more aware and careful of how I am seeing that something or someone, where I make sure I slowdown in that whole process of ‘getting to know’ something or someone, so that I can also not be drawing limitations within my mind in every moment, but rather remain open, vulnerable, hearing, seeing, considering, learning from and stopping quick-judgments from becoming the ‘sentence’ I form upon something or someone else.

 

Hereby I then commit myself to no longer give value and worth to opinions and judgments I have formed or created about something or someone else, and within this that I’ve created about myself and that I am aware now stand as limitations and judgments for me to stop recreating and instead, focus on a genuine ‘getting to know’ others, openly, indiscriminately. It’s all in how I decide to see reality and everything/everyone in it and if anything comes up, I have to remind myself that it’s not about ‘them’ per se, but it’s coming from me first of all, and that’s where I can start debunking the nature of opinions within myself first.

 

 

“What is best for all life is never an opinion. It is based in measurable facts in the physical. If you have self-awareness of what is best for all life in the physical, with empathy and compassion enough to overcome your fear of the system and the internal god, join Desteni to bring about a world that is based on neighborly love practically driven and directed by what is best for all in the physical world. Let the hereafter worry about itself.” Bernard Poolman

 

 

words

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


538. Living Authenticity

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

What does it really mean to be authentic in this world? And how have we shaped ourselves according to a desire to be authentic yet without having self as the starting point? Upon focusing and reflecting on this word today, I realized how much of the association to ‘authenticity’ in relation to a set of aspects or traits that are very much – or most of the times – personality-based, meaning, how I initially spotted it within the attributes I saw in another that I created a sense of ‘attraction’ for was related to a persona, the portrayal of themselves with particular set of preferences, perspectives and expressions that were not really of ‘substance’ as I call them when it comes to the person being expressing who they really are as life or being supportive in their expression – it was mostly a perception of authenticity being expressed through being rebellious, polemic, controversial, against-the-grain in fact, very much ‘on your face’ and standing up for something that the thinks is right for him. And sure that’s a way to ‘be authentic’ in consciousness-speak, but here I am definitely not looking at doing that for myself, dare I say ‘again’ and I’ll explain why.

How I had ‘strived’ to live authenticity was mostly through creating a persona/living a set of personalities where I could stand in an eccentric way (out of the norm, out of the circle) and create myself as a statement of ‘I don’t buy into any of that, I am the opposite of what everyone wants to be’ type of ideal, and surely this can be something very common in our teenage years or young adulthood that eventually becomes a self-definition for the rest of our lives if we don’t dare to question and re-create ourselves, very much like this person I took as an example above, which is ok for him and his process but not for myself, my life and process context.

So, what would have happened if I had not started this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life is that I would have most likely continued to be a person that stands very much in the definition of ‘misfit’ or ‘outcast’ or ‘eccentric persona’ that tries to be unique, special, ‘authentic’ as a portrayal of personalities, a palette of expressions used ‘towards others’ to create a certain impact/make a statement about ‘who I am’ as all the strengths and potencies that I ‘wanted’ to have and be at the eyes of others, but certainly most likely hiding quite a lot of insecurities, fears and inferiority behind all of that façade.

Throughout the years I’ve shared the detail of walking the writings, the self-forgiveness process on seeing, understanding and so correcting myself from feeding this ‘hard veneer’ I placed upon myself in order to really find out who I am behind the masks essentially. And this is exactly a first step to look at within the word ‘Authentic’ and self-creation.

Initially when I started removing ‘the masks’, what was left was this ‘me’ that was very much still to be re-sculpted, re-programmed so to speak because all I had ever known is how to be a character ‘for others’ and not really focus on asking myself: Who do I want to be? What do I want to create? Who am I as the words that I speak and live? Who am I as my expression? What do I want to create and live not only for myself but also for others in my world? What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses to work on and strengthen? What are some of the ‘unique skills’ I can develop/would like to focus on developing and so living/expressing throughout my life? What would I like to contribute to this world to create what’s best for all?

Therefore, authenticity became linked to ‘authority’ and ‘authorship’, which is something that I completely had overlooked in my plight to become this compendium of personalities and ways to ‘cope’ with the world and portray myself as being something I would define as ‘strong,’ but it was all going to be very much just an imitation of other people I admired and wanted to ‘be like’ in order to be as special or popular as I considered them to be.

Throughout this process with Desteni, we learn to see words beyond our predefined ways, beyond the surface scope and learn to open up a whole new way of looking at them, and this is through adding the ingredients of self-honesty and the ability to change who we are, being able to see who and what we are in the context of taking responsibility for ourselves, our creation, our words, our actions, who we want to be as a contributor to life being birthed again in this world. And that’s definitely something that opens up the real depth there is to authenticity.

Who and what have I become as authenticity through this process of several years of learning to understand the ‘who I had become’ and redesigning myself step by step in every single aspect where I saw my ‘character weaknesses,’ integrating a correction that I realize represents me as my living potential led me to where I am now, which is being able to look back and see how this authority and authorship as the creator of my life is something I’m very much ‘settled in’ with, meaning, it is a platform from which I am already ‘operating’ from, just had not realized it as such if I had not written it out and focused on this word today.

Yet, as with any living word, it is not something that is just ‘done’ for myself, it is – as with every word – a platform from which I can move to express, grow, expand as a person within the context of becoming a contributor to life itself – and no longer just a compendium of expressions ‘for others’ to appreciate, value or see as ‘unique’ which is one of the ways in which a personality can be confused with what I’d like to share as the real uniqueness we all have here.

How about considering authenticity as our unique position and ability to partake in the process of co-creation, where we start seeing each other as equals with equal potential to be developed and sculpted for and by each one of us in the name of what is best for all?

Many times we get lost in the ‘matrix of personalities’ where we are kind of always striving to be unique, to be perfect, to be successful, to be special as a personality ‘for the world out there’ instead of rather first of all considering who do we want to be and live for and as ourselves, what do I want to cultivate, grow and reap as my creation for myself and so for everyone else in this reality? In other words: what can I be and contribute with as my livelihood, my unique expression, my skills and live them in full responsibility and awareness of shaping me and what I do in the name of what’s best for all – where each one of us can in fact contribute unique aspects that makes us ‘who we are’ as individuals, yet equal in the context of that life-essence that we can learn to honor and live as our expression, in our very own day to day living.

This is where the context of stopping comparison also comes in, where in my experience, many times I’ve fallen into the trap of comparing my abilities, skills, expressions, behaviors, choices and outcomes in life to that of others; instead of reminding myself that each one of us as individuals are unique expressions, with a unique context that cannot be ‘repeated to the T’’ by any other individual – no one else has had our exact same life position and experience, in the same location/context, with the same challenges, with our same bodies and exact same patterns learned and copied from our very own parents – etc. So, the sheer notion of comparison with this becomes futile, it’s like trying to compare one tree to another tree – yes both are trees but they will always be different and there’s no point in comparing in the sense of who’s better or worse or more special etc. That’s all consciousness-speak which we have to start stopping within ourselves.

Stopping this consciousness-speak then leads one to tap into the essence of who can we be, what can we make of ourselves as an individual, what words do I want to live not only for myself and my life, but as an equal contributor to the co-creation of this reality?

I recently suggested someone to do this for themselves as well considering how much we focus only on ‘stopping patterns’ and all the rest of destructive, self-sabotaging or self-abusive behaviors and contexts, leading oneself to temporarily lose footing within who we really are and only see all the negative aspects, getting obfuscated by the reality of self one can initially see in this process, all the ‘bad’ and the ‘negative’ which needs to be at the same time worked in an equal process and equilibrium with self-creation and having a starting point of who do we want to be and create ourselves as in this lifetime, this life-opportunity we have here on Earth if we dare and commit to step into it with our full life force and expression.

Therefore for me to be authentic or live authenticity is to be and live my unique set of skills, abilities, what I’ve learned to practice and develop over time which in my very own life experience has led me to be a person that can assist others in their own birthing process based on doing that in my own experience for almost a decade now and realizing that there is so much more that each one can be if we can step out of our own limitations first of all, out of our fears, out of our comparisons or personality ideals and place our focus and attention in our living potential, who we really want to live and be for the rest of our lives, in the context of what’s best for all life, considering self-responsibility within self-creation. This changes everything and it’s of course something that not only benefits us individually, but collectively because again if we are best for oneself = we become best for all in whichever we decide to be and create.

Here I am realizing how I had minimized such potential of this word by linking it to a set of personalities and expressions I defined as ‘interesting’ for example and seeing myself as ‘desiring that’ or ‘lacking that’ which is definitely not the case now that I’m opening this word in a substantial-context in living terms – it changes everything.

And this is the kind of perspective I’d like more of us to really integrate and acknowledge in our lives, to see where and how we diminish, in-fear-iorize or separate ourselves from a word through consciousness-speak like ‘attraction’ or ‘liking’ or ‘being drawn to’ something or someone based on an experience, instead of going directly into naming the experience, giving it a word and seeing first of all who are we already as this word, how are we living it and if we are living it, is it best for all? Is it considering using that ability and potential to support ourselves in our lives and others? Is it lived self-honestly? Is it within the context of life responsibility?

In this we can get to recognize how unique we already are and how much we are squandering in an attempt to fulfill ourselves through personalities or desiring relationships with others and the rest of it, all of it an outflow of separation from our very own living words and potential.

This kind of exercise I just shared here truly sets our record straight into realizing our potential and clearing one’s head from ‘ideals’ and ‘perceptions’ of what we’ve given value and meaning to- which is then again something to work through, self-forgive and correct within ourselves.

This is only a ‘self-assessment’ though because every aspect at the same time has been a process walked, every fear, inferiority, comparison, jealousy, personality development that I had taken on over the years and that I will continue to fine tune whenever it emerges again in me. So this is more like the ‘fruit’ that comes from a process of self-commitment to live and realize this for myself and this is something I see can make us better living parts and co-creators in this world, that can in turn change the nature of the world system and our interrelationships if we live this authenticity out of our personal-interests as consciousness-speak and into living-substance, into living potential.

Thanks for reading

 

Humble Me

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


536. Transparency (No Pretense!)

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Here I look straight into the word ‘pretentious’ as it being something that I have a general negative association to – and it being the opposite of the word I’m looking at integrating here which is transparency, without pretense specifically – and it’s interesting to read the whole list of synonyms and antonyms of this word here http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/pretentious because it gives a general feel to what my interest or ‘attraction’ and also ‘repulsion’ towards someone’s expression is all about yet, it all relates to my own judgments towards my own expression.

The first thing that pops into my mind is myself expressing me in what I considered was an ‘over the top’ type of expression, mostly related to memories of how I have been –according to my judgment – conceited or pretentious, which is something I definitely want to fine tune into a point of humbleness, simplicity in expression, transparency – in a way of expressing: here I am, this is my expression, no need to pretend to be ‘more’ or anything less than what I am, which is coming through more in who I am and how I interact with others, but it wasn’t definitely an immediate process to get to be that.

Looking back in my expression a decade ago, I definitely had placed a lot of personalities before me in order to ‘cope’ with reality, sometimes being too shy and reserved – read fearful and judging how others would experience my ‘real’ expression – and some other times appearing too extravagant, conceited, snobbish and getting myself into a ‘high’ of sorts, stemming from the actual inferiority I would experience towards others which led me to create a somewhat defensive self with a tinge of grandeur in order to make myself noticed in fear of being unnoticed – and the rest of the polarities that stem from simply not being accepting oneself.

I can say that I could have come off as pretentious or petulant lol, which I must say was quite a hard-wired personality in me, mostly veering towards the ‘giving a punch with words’ and my expression rather than simply sharing myself in calm and stability, without seeking attention or a form of specialness.

The point is to notice how it has been a process for me to get to a relative point of transparency, openness, comfort when sharing myself with others – walking from the shy, fearful character that didn’t even want to record videos and upload them on the internet (yes, I had made a decision upon first encountering YouTube back in 2006 that I would never be on it, lol) to then deciding to start sharing myself in relation to this process with Desteni and finding ‘my expression’ in those videos, which at times I can see myself currently cringing at how I expressed myself back then and pondering if others considered it too brusque, ‘in your face’ and maybe a bit too snobbish or pretentious at times – which of course were also expressions I have generally disliked in others, which proves again that ‘what one dislikes, exists within oneself as well’ – however, if I had judged myself as all of this and had refrained myself from recording those videos, I would have prevented me from learning to be comfortable in front of a camera and speaking into a recording that will stay there as an archive for posterity, which sure, may sound intimidating at times, but I’ve also learned to not go and ‘delete’ the stuff, but leave it there as a process walked at a certain point in my life – it’s part of the process, as we say.

So, this point of transparency linked to a humbleness and an unconceited expression is something I want to practice more in my expression within specifically getting back to recording videos, because I had also prevented myself from doing so because of how I had judged the ‘YouTube persona’ that I have there as some kind of embarrassment that I could just bury for a while and not get back to my personal vlogs – however this is now out of the bag and I will look at recording myself again, because it is quite supportive to do so, it assisted a lot to see myself, to even get to know myself by seeing how I speak, how I move my face and the rest of tonalities that may come through it, it’s quite a great process of self-exploration as well.

I enjoy writing and apply transparency in the sense of being self-honest, being able to see the ‘nitty gritty’ of myself and have no problem with me sharing it, I’ve been in hangouts and it’s definitely enjoyable also to share oneself because of the interaction with others – but now I have to go back to the self-recording and see what comes up. And one of the words I want to integrate in my expression is that of being transparent, not having any hidden agenda of wanting to be perceived in a certain way, but simply sharing myself, without pretense, without fears, without having to ‘appear’ a certain way that I’ve defined as ‘acceptable for the world to see’ – lol. That’s the pretense right there to stop and correct within me.

This is an interesting thing to look at because it is mostly in the notion of ‘recording’ myself that this experience of having to put on a show comes up, because I have seen myself how I can enjoy and be expressive when sharing with other people real time and no fears like that emerge – but it is in the consideration of doing vlogs – as in material that will remain for posterity and multiple replays – that this emerges, which is in fact something I did to myself, considering how I have been the one that has re-played myself and gotten to judge my expression, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refrained from recording myself in vlogs again due to how I have judged my expression before and perceiving that I am mildly embarrassed by my previous expression, yet it is what it is, a part and phase of my process where I was discovering ‘who I want to be’ and how I want to express myself, which is also a fine tuning process that I cannot expect to come through ‘perfectly’ at first – also here realizing that I am the one that has to stop seeing myself through the eyes of judgment, of seeking ‘perfection’ in such videos, but instead embrace my expression in the moment, being transparent, having no ‘hidden agendas’ or pretense around it all, but giving myself that opportunity to see me this time through judgment-less eyes, and not doing it only to myself, but also towards others as well.

And the reason is mostly because of how I became a certain person/character on those videos that do not represent what I’m really like currently. I am still quite direct and frank but without that sulkiness or the tinge of cynicism that would come through at times, however I’ll only know until I actually record myself. And this is another thing to debunk here, how I expected myself to kind of ‘replay’ how I presented myself in the past, which is of course not something that is common sensical to do and I’ve been using this excuse as a reason to not do personal vlogs and have given my power away to these justifications and excuses, which doesn’t make sense at all, because if anything then I can show how change is possible and how we don’t have to be the same as yesterday, that change is healthy and it’s actually something that we should all do as well considering it is very much needed to fine tune ourselves to be best for ourselves and so best for all.

I said in my first vlog ever that ‘I felt like an open book’ and it was so in the sense that I was writing out the first pages within this process of self-discovery, self-change and self-honesty creation, and now it’s time to continue doing so not only in writing but get back on doing videos and any other methods I can plan on directing as well in my reality.

So, I’ll be soon recording myself also to share more about my personal process of self-change based on my participation within Desteni – officially for 9 years in my case – and all the bits of changes that I’ve been creating within myself, what I’ve learned, what I’m still working on, etc. And that is then a way to live transparency as well, where I don’t have to put on a show or create an entertaining display of knowledge as myself but instead do a simple practical self-sharing, which I already do in these words, in these blogs – now it’s simply taking it to the vlog level again and get back to being comfortable recording myself.

Bottom line is, if transparency is something I appreciate as an expression in others, why have I separated myself from such transparency and unconceitedness and making it something that I long to experience through a relationship with someone that I perceive as transparent? Why do we create these barriers in our lives of waiting for someone to ‘be that for us’ instead of us taking the lead and learn from them, integrate that expression as ourselves and walk the process that it takes to live a word for real within and for ourselves?

Also, this is not as simple and quick as in saying ‘I want to be transparent here and now’ and that’s it – living this word is also a process and starts with developing self-honesty which is a pillar of this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. This is just an example in terms of transparency in expression when sharing oneself, going from the notion of having to ‘put on a show’ or ‘appear’ a certain way at the eyes of others, or becoming defensive instead of being vulnerable, open and genuine – aiming at simplicity, instead of trying to do something ‘larger than life’ and ending up elevating oneself too much, losing ground, missing the earthy-expression of saying things as they are, as we are, in a moment, without edits, that’s what’s enjoyable as well from human expression for sure. Therefore I stop expecting others ‘to be that towards me’ or ‘for me’, I have to be the one that lives the word and sets the example.

Transparency to be lived as a direct, frank expression yet self-honest which means, within self-responsibility, within humbleness – not as a ‘show off’ or another kind of pretense of ‘being transparent’ lol, but as a genuine expression without hidden agendas nor back doors, that’s the kind of expression that I am here placing on my table of words to practice in living and developing for myself within communication specifically, considering I have already developed a point of self-transparency as self-intimacy= seeing within myself, getting to know me as I am, pushing through fears of seeing my truth and reality, being willing to see and open up whatever is needed to continue ‘processing’ myself, not hiding from myself – that’s settled to a certain extent over time and with the tools of self-writings, self-forgiveness and the feedback gotten through the network of support as the Desteni I Process, which has been a lighthouse in a vast sea of darkness lol, seriously, considering how one can lose one’s direction at times, the support one gets to get back to self-honesty and self-responsibility to one’s self-creation is always a gift in life to have.

So! Transparency, openness, vulnerability and self-enjoyment in my expression, here I come.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


531. Redefining Self-Confidence

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Confidence is the first word to look at and the aspects that I see I require to fine tune this word are specifically in relation to an experience of hesitation, doubt and uncertainty that I’ve been facing interestingly enough in situations where I cannot really reference something ‘with others’ and where I have to stand on my own two feet, make decisions and learn to trust myself within it, learning from it.

I’ve noticed how when making decisions in my life, I’ve become used to always asking or having other people as supporters or detractors of what I decide to be and do – this being a source of ‘confidence’ for me based on how I take others’ words and perspectives as an encouraging or detracting factor for me to venture into doing something or not, and here I’m focusing mostly in relation to my expression, specifically in arts.

The outflows of this self-doubt, uncertainty or hesitation emerge upon assessing options or paths I could develop within myself when having a literal ‘white canvas’ in front of me. What emerges is that I start considering what would be approved by others, what would be most liked or appreciated by what I believe specific people could say about it – and interestingly enough, this is where what can be called as a ‘lack of confidence’ comes in, where I am desiring a point of reference, a second view from another approving or disapproving something that is very much my own expression, my own doing.

I’m actually talking about painting here, hence the ‘literal white canvas’ description, because that’s what I’ve been taking on again and I started realizing why I became so unsure of myself in something like painting or anything art related, and it all boils down to seeking a form of reassurance from others that I was doing the ‘right thing,’ or how I stopped for example taking photographs because I started judging the fact that ‘suddenly everyone can take photographs’ and it’s no longer some kind of ‘special thing’ as it was some 10 years ago when I started doing that and got to be the most prolific on it.

Therefore I saw the constant: I am having a projection, an idea of what I believe would be ‘others’ opinions’ or the expectation thereof in my mind as an obstacle within me to not continue expressing myself. And this is entirely my creation, my expectation, has nothing to do with ‘others’ really. The same when I started considering more what others were doing and comparing ‘my work’ to that of others, and how I slowly but surely got discouraged of continuing doing anything related to arts, because of having ‘others in my mind’ and using that as a source of discouragement – of course, it all has been self-created.

Therefore I can say I lost confidence in a way when it comes to expression in arts specifically – but if I look at it, was my ‘previous confidence’ actually real? Honestly not. I had built such confidence some 10 years ago based on the praise I’d get from teachers, friends, relatives, fellow artists and I kind of ‘elevated’ myself based on others’ feedback, building such confidence with having a backbone of opinions and perspectives by others that I took as ‘real’ and as a definition of ‘my work, who I am.’ This bubble then had to be burst and for the best, because if we are to truly embody and live a word, it cannot be sustained by anyone else’s opinions and perspectives but my own.

This also has to do with being sometimes ‘hyper-critical’ about my expression in the context of arts or musical expression. Same applies to playing music where I see that a tinge of fear emerges when considering ‘playing bass again’ or making music with others, because I remember all of those past times with people where I took someone’s perspective on my playing as ‘discouraging’ and in essence, I allowed myself to fall into a ‘uselessness’ experience about playing music, deciding that ‘my thing’ were visual arts and not music – essentially I took someone else’s opinion as ‘my truth’ and within that limited my ability to continue practicing and expressing through music as well. And there is really no one to blame here because it was me that took those words as ‘the ultimate truth’ = I accepted and allowed it.

And it’s relevant to say I’ve been challenging those past obstacles within me and in practice lately. I can also see why I have refrained myself from continuing to work on my artistic expression – resisting it, in other words – and in general keeping this ‘love-hate’ relationship I’ve shared when it comes to arts and expression in my life, but I am decided to for once and for all stop my drama around it and rather tackle my relationship with my expression in that realm of arts but also in general when it comes to my physical expression, because this has been one of those ‘trees I left to dry’ within my life, using several justifications  such as simply ‘not enjoying’ or having not such a ‘great time’ whenever I would paint and judging it as pointless, pondering what’s the use, etc. But the truth is that there was a background of not being sure about myself in such expression, which means I had gotten so used to ‘being sure of myself’ based on continuing to get feedback from other people to then define that ‘I’m on the right track, what I do is good stuff, this is good enough, others like it’.

So, uncertainty, doubt, hesitation about my self-expression are the result of having based my confidence on perceived good/positive feedback on anything I did, and used such opinions, views and perspectives as some kind of ‘fuel’ for my expression – which then I allowed to completely determine (or terminate, lol) my decision to express, getting to a point of not doing much for the past years, using many reasons and justifications around it.

However I’ve now been able to see the actual reason for it, and it’s because of the personal confrontation I get while making each decision on a painting or a point of expression: I have no other point of reference, there’s no one I can ask and say ‘hey, how do you see it?’ and base my next move according to someone else’s opinion – nope. It’s all on me now and that’s what’s actually cool that I am taking on again, it is not even so much about the actual ‘painting’ and result of it eventually, but more so the kind of certainty, confidence and assertiveness that I have to live while making a painting and learning to trust myself with it, as it, which I had not done before except when I first picked up painting in 2003 and I did my first paintings entirely for myself, no one else was  on my mind to ‘make them.’ However, this changed as I started showing them around and expectations started building… which I have to definitely get back to myself and develop as a trust, a comfort in my decisions to express and do.

I was sounding this word ‘confidence’ and it also sounds a bit like ‘comfy-dense’ as in solid-comfort where there’s assertiveness, there’s trust, there’s substance yet comfort, flow, expression in it and this is what I want to keep focusing on and deliberately applying while expressing myself, especially when it comes to trusting my decisions, and stopping having what I believe are ‘others’ opinions’ in my own mind.

This will continue….

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested support:

Confidence: Practical Support – Atlanteans – Part 152

Self-Honesty

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


528. Hostages of the Past

Or how I’ve been existing in righteousness about the ideas, beliefs, opinions and perceptions towards people that I haven’t seen in a long time yet have dared to create an opinion about ‘who they are’ in their lives – and standing up from the gossipy me.

I listened to this audio interview called Directing Relationships and found it quite supportive considering I had a similar situation recently based on having to explain my past relationship with someone that another person also got to know of and we both had the point in common that our relationship with that person ended up with some kind of discontent on that person’s side so, in a way through this conversation we were seconding our perspectives about that other person being conflictive or ‘the problem.’

However the reality of the point is that I haven’t really talked to this person we were talking about in years and even if our last failed interaction ended up in me being like ‘what did I do that made him get so pissed off?’ I never really made any move to clarify things or haven’t made any decision to get in contact with the person and see where they’re at in their life currently, because ‘I saw no point’ but the reality is that there are judgments there that created such vacuum for me towards that other person.

Based on what I got from this sharing that Sunette recorded in that audio, I got to see how I did participate in a form of gossip in that conversation, where I was caging the person in a definition of who they were over ten years ago and where I last saw them which was almost four years ago, which means: a long time ago already.

I’ve noticed that I’ve actually kept this and many more people in my life in a particular bubble of judgments as all the reasons why I stopped talking to them, why I cut ties with them at the time – this mostly happening some 9 or 8 years ago, which is already quite a long time to even believe that I have a say on ‘who these people are’ currently, because I know for myself that I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago and that any idea, belief or perception I’ve kept throughout this whole time about someone being ‘this or that’ without actually talking to them and referencing ‘who they currently are’ ends up being an assumption and yes also a form of gossip where I believe ‘I know’ the person ‘so well,’ but is it, really? Not at all.

And another aspect is that even if I would spend my days with such person currently, I would still not have any authority to have a definitive say about ‘who they really are’ as a person, because it all would still be my perception, my opinion and limited judgment about another.

So I got a very cool wakeup call through this recording where I got to see where I had just precisely done that whole gossiping myself without even having identified it as such to begin with, because I was really certain about my ‘final verdict’ on ‘who this person is currently’ and I was standing in my judge position as if I knew exactly who the person is, not considering the time that has passed and the lack of interaction with them currently.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people in my past as hostages in my mind, wherein I would only ‘release them’ if I could have any interaction with them where I could define that ‘I am ok towards them again’ and therefore, release all of the judgments of the past, instead of realizing that I am the one that has created this whole hostage situation based on my own judgments and that it is because of those judgments that I would not actually allow myself to approach them currently in my life, even if an opportunity would arise, which I hereby realize I have to change and be willing to be open and approachable if the opportunity arises to see, talk and hang out with these people again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip towards another person that I believe I know ‘so well’ and speak from past memories of who I believed them to be ten years ago, while pretending to know ‘who they currently are’ as if I had an authority over them and have a say on their lives and ‘how they are’ which is not at all so.

Here I realize that what came through are all the judgments that I’ve kept towards that person as a series of reasons and justifications of why I decided to not talk to that person again, wherein I made up a belief in my mind of ‘who they are’ and thus why we are no longer able to get along or talk to each other – this is limiting for myself because I am holding another captive in my mind based on past judgments, which means I am holding myself captive to my own judgments as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have any say about another person that I haven’t had any contact with in years, yet that I’ve held in the exact same position of ten years ago where I last interacted with them sufficiently to say ‘I know them’- when in fact, I currently do not know them, haven’t talked to them at all therefore have no say in ‘where they’re at’ in their life or ‘what they’re all about’ – which means that any judgments and opinions I shared with another person about this person is nothing else but gossip, assumptions, opinions and judgments which I would certainly not want any person to do onto myself, therefore I have to live my own principles and not dare to speak of another out of old memories, experiences and judgments that I’ve held towards another for so long and that I have to take responsibility for within myself, not share my own ‘backchat’ about them with others as ‘the truth of who they are’ which is definitely now who I want to be in conversation with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my opinions and judgments towards another individual because of believing that ‘I know that person so well’ that I am entirely correct in all of my assessments, and therefore it gives me this ‘authority’ to say what I have to say about the person – when in fact, it is actually really daring to say ‘I know someone’ in the totality of who they are even if they were part of my own family or a close relationship, because most of the times we really don’t know a person in their totality and therefore it doesn’t give us any ‘authority’ to speak about them or define them in a set of words that I’ve kept mostly as a reason, justification and excuse to not have to align my relationship towards that person in self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am right’ in my words and assessment about that person because this is what I’ve told to myself for all of these years to justify keeping that person in a ‘cage’ in my own mind, which I have not even dared to open up and investigate for myself, what the truth and reality of my relationship with that person entailed in my life and the impacts it had  in general, where I do not only look at all the seemingly ‘bad’ but instead I can also now dare to see it and open it up to recognize the aspects that I could take form that person in my own life and benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of a person in my head captive, judging them and loading them with ‘all the bad stuff and aspects I could think of’ in order to also make myself belief that ‘there is no value in another person because of all of that’ when in fact, I am the only one that is devaluing myself in keeping judgments like these about another person, even more so when not having kept in contact with them for such a long time which means, I don’t really know the person currently and I have no say in where they’re at in their lives currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an absolutist judge in my head towards people in my past where I ended off relationships because of only focusing on ‘all the bad aspects’ that I saw at the time in them and so in a way giving up ‘on them’ without realizing that I in fact gave up on myself and my ability to learn to see a person for who they are in their totality, with all the pros and cons and not ‘give up’ on someone based on only focusing on the  problems, conflicts or disagreements that we had during a relationship, but instead be willing to also see the supportive and constructive aspects of a person as well, instead of believing that because I am no longer in a relationship with them and haven’t seen them in such a long time, I have a right to diminish and judge them with all my past judgments that were also created and kept from the time where I got to be most radical in myself and very absolutist in nature as well, which in the end has only been a limitation in me to not approach them with clear eyes myself.

Therefore I realize that I’ve kept my own righteousness, absolutism and judgmental perspectives upon people after all of this time based on ideas, beliefs or perceptions that I certainly see do not honor them as beings, nor does it all honor myself as the holder of all of that backchat as opinions, judgments, beliefs about ‘who others are’ which actually do not define them, but define myself as I am the creator and holder of such judgments ‘towards others.’

I hereby commit myself to stop holding others as hostages of the past in my own mind – including myself as well – wherein I have to remind myself that I can only be holding myself captive by those judgments wherein I am the one creating a barrier to not interact with these people anymore or believe that I would not dare to talk to them again, all of it based on memories, ideas, prejudices of the past which would mean I haven’t really self-forgiven and let go my relationships with them ‘back then.’

Therefore I have to give myself the opportunity to start from scratch and let go of the notion of having ‘a say’ about anyone of my past, and instead dare to get to know who they currently are, what they are about, how they are currently doing in their life and open up a door for me to also transcend a lot of my judgments of the past and within that, transcend the ‘judgmental me’ that I’ve kept with righteousness for so long within myself.

I also here commit to stop holding myself captive in ‘who I was’ in the past and therefore who I was in interactions with others in the past, so that if and when anyone speaks about another person that I used to be related with a long time ago, I can genuinely say that I sincerely not know where they’re at right now or how they are doing and I cannot really say I ‘know them so well’ either, because I only interacted them such a long time ago that it is not a fresh perspective that I can have any authority to share with another – and even if I had any current interaction with another, I genuinely have no say in defining another person with a few words in their totality either.  I can instead share a general experience of how I interacted with that person ‘back in the day’ while clarifying  that this is how it was before, that this defines me and my experience only, so this is only memory and perception based and has no validity to define who the person actually is.

By sharing these past experiences and emphasizing on how they were ‘experiences of the past that don’t define the person currently, nor myself’ I can also possibly assist others in learning to see for themselves how we tend to hold others captive in our minds based on a conflict or disagreement that happened in the past, which ultimately diminishes our ability to transcend our own limitations as judgments, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about ourselves and others.

So, I will walk as well a personal process in opening up more in relation to this person in my life because it is for a reason that they keep ‘coming up’ in my awareness and it might just be because I have kept them ‘in a cage’ in my mind, loading the idea of that person with opinions, judgments and perceptions that I sincerely had not actually realized I was doing, because of being completely believing that ‘I was right’ about my perceptions on that person and in essence, containing myself in a relationship with them of avoidance, of judgment, of holding a grudge and perceiving that ‘they were a mistake of my past’ which is part of what I have to deconstruct for myself for sure and so set myself free and set the idea I have of this and many others in my life ‘free’ in my mind, and standing one and equal to who they really are.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Captivity


523. I Don’t Want To Bother Others

I’ll share some extra perspectives on a cool topic that Cerise and Joe opened up in this video ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ about this pattern or habit some of us have in terms of going into a personality of ‘not wanting to bother others’ or ‘take their time’ when we are facing something that would use a cross-reference or support in order to have a second pair of eyes or ears to hear about our situation and considered ways to create solutions.

In my case this has opened up more so in terms of not wanting to ‘take other people’s time’ and then believing that I’m not really worth their time and I should not even bother to ask for help or ask for a time to talk or anything like that, which I have been working on because I was specifically doing that for a long time in my life where I became sort of a ‘mother’ to my friends,  always ‘there’ for others, always being their ‘kleenex’ to cry on or their punching bag at times as well – figuratively speaking – and me believing that I had to always ‘be there’ for them – but when it came to me even daring to open up my own experiences and share myself, I rarely did because I perceived that ‘they didn’t want to hear it’ and so I would go into suppression, which means not talking, not opening up my experience, not wanting to share because of going into a pattern of ‘what’s the point, they don’t care, they won’t listen.’

This became quite a mess because then one becomes other people’s ‘canes’ to walk as I have described before as well, and it’s a very compromising situation where one believes one has to be ‘the strong person’ that is always there for others, as if we didn’t need others to be there for us in an equal manner from time to time.

So, lately I’ve been looking at the kind of outcomes I created in my life based on decisions and choices I made that I took ‘pride’ on for having done them entirely by myself, not cross referencing to anyone at all and kind of just ‘going for it’. At the same time it became a learning experience as well,  I can only learn of not having been honest with myself in demanding myself some clarity about the whole ‘plan’ and being willing to see what kind of emotional experiences or situation I was at the time and how in this belief that ‘I should not bother others with my situation’ or ‘I should not even bother to make a call’ or ‘I should not take their time, I can handle it myself’, it is in fact a point of ego that is unfortunately a common thing for me to do, instead of being aware of the support that I can reach out based on the same principles that I apply and extend to others coming from me at the same time.

But, what did I do instead of ‘reaching out’? I went into my ego and even if I was very much ‘in need’ of a second perspective about my decisions and choices, I didn’t do any of that and went on my own with it all, resulting in a point of creation that could not stand the test of time because the starting point of it was flawed in terms of ‘who I was’ at the time.

I had to then face my own point of creation and its outcome, where I had to see that who I had become at the time was more of a ‘victim’ of a particular experience, such as feeling abandoned or loneliness or ‘not worthy’ of other’s time and in doing this, I spent quite some time without really opening up what I was going through to anyone, which resulted in me making decisions based on this experience of being able to ‘do things on my own’ which looking back, could have prevented some consequences if I had cross reference or opened them up at least with another person that I am aware I can trust in their judgment.

So now that it has happened, I can only learn from it and prevent myself going into thinking that ‘I can do this on my own, I can decide by myself, I don’t need to bother others, I don’t need others to reference this’. The outcome is that I ended up in a way spiting myself, because I am the one that had to walk through and live with my creation and be there ‘all the way’ in it, even though I knew that I could have probably done things differently if I had opened up to others and cross-reference my situation, my starting point simply to remind myself of my self-honesty.

See this is where the network of people that are walking this same process at Desteni becomes so relevant as well, where there’s a set of buddies that are there to support back those that are also applying the same tools and process. And this way one knows that another person or your ‘buddy’ will be there as a cross reference of one’s self-honesty, it’s really that simple, it is not like anyone else can make decisions for you or tell you what to do, but through the basic ability of sharing and opening up an experience or a phase one is walking through in one’s life, and getting some basic points of cross-reference from another to be a guideline into self-honesty, common sense and self-responsibility can make a huge difference in our lives, and that’s also what the Desteni Process is about, because it’s not easy at times to see one’s own ‘flaws’ or ‘points’ to look at, and that’s why the support in it all is so relevant and invaluable.

However, if one has such support but still doesn’t reach out or open up to really lay out what one is going through, then the consequences ultimately are our own to take and walk through.

In the video that Cerise and Joe share they explain how this ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ experience is more of an addictive experience in fact, where one stands in self-victimization, self-pity as a way to not have to take self-responsibility. And that’s why for example in this process and the buddying system, it can be something one tends to resist to do, because one is already very caught up in the mind and resist reaching out and explaining the situation because it would mean one thing: we will actually be reminded of our own responsibility, our own creation to take care of and simply be reminded of our ability to see how we created the whole thing from start to finish and take responsibility for it – either to prevent it or to walk through it if it’s already done.

At the same time, reaching out also means stepping out of self-victimization, self-pity and all of the emotional turmoil that this experience of ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ comes with – all of it being a pattern playing out in an attempt to hide from one’s self-honesty and self-responsibility. However I have proven that it’s not others that we don’t really want to bother, but we simply resist having to get real with ourselves and change, that’s the bottom line.

Another aspect explained in the video and that I agree with is more of an implicit experience in this pattern of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ to others, is how we disempower ourselves by judging ourselves as not good enough to ‘ask for support’ or fearing ‘wasting others’ time’ or ‘being a burden’ to others – and this is precisely something that I have done and experienced, which yes, implies that one is existing in a point of inferiority in relation to ‘not being worthy’ of being supported or being heard by others or reaching out for help when one has already exhausted all possible ways to support oneself.

So here in my case it was a fine line between not wanting to ‘depend on others’ and ‘reaching out – which has been cool in the sense that I have for the most part focused on getting to the ‘bottom’ of my experiences and stand up from it myself, but the reality is that referencing with others such processes and outcomes/results and decisions can be supportive to confirm and reassure our common sense and self-honesty.

Therefore I do say that this is not about turning this pattern of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ to being all the time asking for help – not about that, but about reaching out and sharing, cross referencing as one goes standing up for oneself, working through the experiences using all the tools we have at our reach like writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self corrective statements and practically living them out as living words that we can then work with and play out in reality, cross referencing with others what works, what we’ve done to assist ourselves, what we are still struggling with even after walking all of these points – and that’s where the communication with others also becomes more resourceful and expansive, rather than becoming dependent on a particular person or point of support in order to always be ‘sorted out’ as well.

Therefore what I see is the key within this all is to be self-honest with ourselves, to be willing to admit where we are going into an experience of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ yet at the same time being in an emotional turmoil where one has tried many things and ways and still not getting ‘through it’ – that’s where it’s definitely needed to reach out because there might be something that one cannot ‘see’ alone, but with the perspective of others one can get some clarity on the way forward in changing oneself in a particular pattern or situation based on our creation, which means that yes, one has to be also willing to see things as they are, in our truth because that’s what this is all about.

Sometimes seeing our truth might feel overwhelming, despicable, ugly, difficult to accept or be simply horrified by it, but these are all judgments that we can also learn to self-forgive and remind ourselves that we can always decide to forgive what we’ve become and instead focus on changing all of those aspects that we fear realizing or seeing about ourselves. No one else can do this for us and that’s a key point here as well where one is in an experience of self-pity about walking through manifested consequences and then go into an experience of ‘I don’t want to bother’ = that’s where it becomes a defense mechanism of the mind to continue wallowing in depression, in excuses, reasons and justifications as to why one cannot stand up and so, it becomes a way to justify ‘why we are not changing’ which is not valid because it’s self-manipulation all the way, where we believe we are seeking some kind of sympathy from ‘others’ but in the end, we are the ones that live with ourselves in such experiences and with the outcomes of the decisions we make or changes we step into in our lives within such experiences – which means, if we are not clear and we don’t reference our decisions even though we know it could use another pair of eyes or ears to see or listen, then that’s ultimately up to us to again, own our creation and learn from it, see what one could have done differently and so prevent doing the same next time.

In my case it’s more of a point of letting go of a belief that ‘I know what I am doing’ or ‘It’s my life’ but those are definitely key words whenever they come up and so stop myself in that moment to rather deliberately look to cross-reference my proposed solution to a certain situation. That way, I also become more humble in my approach towards life in general, where I accept the fact that I don’t always ‘know’ what to do and that it’s a wise thing to ask and cross-reference, this way one also learns to consider other perspectives and it’s a way to expand one’s own array of possible solutions, so it’s a win-win situation considering the fine point of equilibrium: not to become dependent on others to ‘sort things out for us,’ and not go into an ego superiority position of ‘I can do this on my own, I need no one for it’ – but rather being humble to learn, take other perspectives into consideration and from there realize that yes, even if we get to reference with others, it is us that will ultimately have to live with our decisions and ways to sort things out, whether we take others’ perspectives into account or not, which is great as well! Always self-responsibility

Thanks for reading

 

Writing my woes out

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


521. The Invaluable Benefits of Self-Writing

Or how journaling and blogging have saved myself from my selective-memory deciding ‘who I was’ at a point in my life and instead, look back and see the reality of myself in my own words.

I was quite amazed last night when reading some older readings in my personal journal and be able to see with my own words and handwriting the reality of myself in past months.

I started writing for myself around the year 2000, I found it cool to keep a record of my every day, lol whether it was only describing what I had watched on TV or the new music I was into, the books I had read, the friends I would meet online… at the time, keeping a ‘record’ of myself throughout those teenage years became a way to describe some of my ‘growing pains’ and a lot of emotional personalities that I actually remember ‘solidifying’ and ‘fueling’ through my own writings – and surely that’s not the way to go through writing in the context of self-support as I do it now, but! I will apply what I wrote some blogs ago to not go into my own intellectual arrogance and dismiss all of those writings, because one good thing I did create for myself as a habit is that of self-writing and enjoying writing for myself, which yes over the years has transformed into this self-support tool that I very much have established as a foundation to create myself, to see myself and from there integrate self-honesty and self-creation into my day to day living.

When I started writing in 2008 with a new approach – which is within the context of this process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and pushing to see the truth of myself – I found it was comfortable to do this in my personal journal and initially publishing it in these blogs as well at the very beginning but, lol, I also got to understand that self-honesty is not about ‘exposing’ oneself to others, but exposing myself to myself, first and foremost. Therefore even if throughout the years I have kept this blog as a more of a public record of things that I work with in my life, I also have had actual journals at the same time, a series of notebooks that I’ve been keeping throughout the years and it’s always kind of amusing to randomly open them up and see ‘where I was at’ 3, 6, 8, 15 years ago or! Where I was a couple of months ago, aha!

And that’s what I was reading last night at and I found something very revealing about how I – and probably we all in our minds – function when it comes to our memories and creation a notion of ‘where we are’ and ‘how we really are doing’ deep within ourselves.

So in this journal I was reading back on pages written 5, 3 and two months ago in a random manner and I discovered that I had created a sort of ‘ideal’ vision in my mind of ‘how I had been doing’ in those months and how I had been experiencing myself all of that time – painting it in a relatively nice manner so to speak, mostly handpicking ‘good times’ and ‘favorable moments’ where it’s as if in my mind, if someone had asked me yesterday before I actually went and read my journal ‘how I had been in the past months within myself?’ I would have said, “well, quite fine, all fine just going through some events and situations that shook my reality recently, but overall was quite well before that.’ 

That’s an example of how in our minds we like to stick to a minimized, very synthesized version of ourselves where we don’t actually see the truth, the nitty-gritty details of our experience as in who we have really been in those moments where we are alone with ourselves – devoid of nice words to describe it better than it actually was. Now, when I started reading through these pages I noticed that I was describing doubts, questioning my decisions, ‘sucking in’ some experiences as in suppressing actual things that I was noticing and that I was being too hopeful that would change in time, or where I describe how I had not been doing like physically well because of being drained by particular emotional experiences in me – losing ‘my footing’ at times and giving a hope to the next day getting better and that kind of stuff.

So it reminded me a lot to something I got to be aware of 10 years ago where I went through a year of really being ‘out of myself’ completely, there was like a veil upon all of that time where the distinction of days was like completely blurred and I was on a literal high of focusing too much on ‘who I wanted to be’ as an artist and completely losing ground in who I was becoming in the whole process. Back then in 2007 I wasn’t aware of this process yet and I was about to ‘step deep into the rabbit hole’ when I found Desteni in January of 2008, that’s when I literally saved myself with it, but that’s another story I’ve shared before.

Fortunately, the only way I have a recollection of what really went on within myself at the time were those journals where I would get deep into my own depressive and emotional ‘nature’ back then even though if someone would ask me how I was doing at the time I would have defined those years when I got into art school as ‘a really good year in my life, best times and all’. But the truth of myself through my own words and laying out all of my emotional turmoil, I was quite a mess to be honest. I was quite confused, accepting and allowing shitty situations for myself, being constantly seeking ‘something’ superior to myself, being very depressed, not being in the right company, being so out of my own two feet, holding friendships that at the time were mostly enhancing my own delusions and in essence I consider I would not recognize myself as in ‘who I was then’ to where I am now, but hey I am actually able to live to tell this and honor my decision to support myself.

The point here is though how in my ‘selective memory’ I had defined such years as ‘great times, fun times, expressive times’ – but, when reading the truth of myself in those journals where I made it a point to be real with myself, to lay everything ‘as is’ no matter what, I was able to remember how I really felt through it all and how it wasn’t at all a ‘fun time’ except for a few moments ‘with other people’ or in certain relationships or experiences with others, of which of course throughout the years I’ve also learned to see the ‘good things’ I could learn from others and integrate into my life, not all was ‘plain bad’ because it had to do mostly with how I was emotionally doing within myself at the time. The truth of myself is that I was an emotional mess and that writing  my woes and hopes out didn’t do much but at times reinforce those ideas of myself only, which is quite a world apart from how I use writing nowadays.

I also find it interesting that it was that time when people considered I was the most creative and expressive, and seemed quite successful in what I was doing at the eyes of others – but I definitely do know it was quite a ‘show’ for others in my pursuit of happiness, while the truth of my experience was a completely different story, which demonstrates how I was mostly ‘giving a show’ to others to hide from the truth of myself, painting a picture of success, dreaming big and hoping for the best but within myself, there were a lot of fears and discomforts and general self-abuse going on at various levels in my life.

 

So with this, I want to share how in these journals that I’ve kept throughout the years, I’ve made them my personal spot and space where I write for myself only – no one else – and that very private self-writing has enabled me to not censor myself, to keep ‘track’ of myself in a way that I by now know my limited memory would not enable me to recall the detail of all of those actual challenging experiences in me, the discomforts, the ‘down’ times, the doubts, the fears, the desires, the questionings in my decisions, how I truly observe situations in my life, how they impacted me in a nutshell, how I truly experienced myself in relationship to others and so forth and that’s been very cool and a supportive point for me to not only ‘keep track’ of myself, but also integrating it in my day to day life as the habit of ‘writing myself.’

And one pointer here is that they are not these super long entries like I sometimes do here lol, I might do at times some 5 minutes of writing and get to register some  ‘daily essentials’ to look at, which is from where a lot of the points that I then share in blogs open up. Sometimes I am able to open up a point ‘in a blog’ here, but sometimes I first have to get ‘deep into seeing within me’ within that journal, and that’s also cool how I have my own ‘spot’ that is quite physical and has my handwriting, very personal I’d say and that’s something I’d definitely suggest to try out.

It’s the development of that self-intimacy in my writing that I’ve come to savor and enjoy as well, because I’ve been able to debunk my own ‘lies’ within my selective memory of ‘how I was’ in a particular time in my life and where I tend to paint it all ‘better’ than it actually was – yet when reading those entries, it’s quite surprising even to myself when I get to see the truth or reality of me in a particular time or moment and then get self-honest about what I need to change, what I need to do in order to genuinely be standing, be clear within myself, which is the actual process and challenge that I continue to place myself in and walk in this lifetime.

And here it’s not like I’ve been super consistent with writing throughout these ‘17’ years of notebooks. I have definitely forgotten about it for months at a time, resulting in complete ‘blackouts’ of where I was at the time and usually yes, I can see I might have been too focused ‘in a relationship’ for example or in a complete new environment where I kind of ‘forgot’ about myself – all my decisions of course, but it also becomes a point of regret in terms of stopping that self-communication for ‘whatever reason’ I formulated for myself, an excuse really because over these past months and keeping a more consistent writing for myself both in these blogs and my personal journal, I’ve been able to debunk perceptions about myself, my life, my experience even from two months ago (!) lol, I truly was amazed at myself at how I wasn’t seeing the whole picture of me when thinking that ‘I was just fine and all alright’ – when it is in fact not so.

What are the gifts from writing myself unconditionally and in an uncensored manner? I’ve developed an enjoyment of ‘getting to know myself,’ seeing myself, recognizing what kind of experiences I had throughout the day and at the same time, it’s made it easier over time to be true to myself, to be honest and give that step into self-honesty, to actually make decisions of where and how I am going to create a point of change in my life, or where I require to stand up – as well as recognizing where I am genuinely enjoying something, changing at something, owning my creation.

It also becomes very clear where in my journal I am kind of kidding myself or hiding from sharing ‘the real truth’ which is kind of interesting because it would be ‘me hiding from myself’ which I know what happens afterward, there’s a ‘lag’ of suppressions that I eventually have to take out of the laundry bag to do some washing, lol. It’s all there, it’s all me and I am the only one that can push myself to  ‘get real’ with myself in those writings, which is something I’d recommend anyone doing if your thing is not yet to ‘publish blogs’ for the world to see, but you still want to write for yourself.

Get yourself a notebook or even build your own – I buy my journals from colleagues that make them and sell them, so they’re ‘handmade’ and custom – and get to taste the enjoyment of sharing yourself to yourself, seriously! I could not believe my eyes today when I read someone at the Desteni Forum saying they had not written out their thoughts in like 10 years (!!!) I probably would not be here sharing these blogs if I had not continued to write myself, to support myself through writing and learning how to do that with the tools at Desteni and the Desteni I Process, best gift ever for anyone that is serious about living life and supporting oneself to change themselves and so the world, taking one’s life in one’s own hands and directing it to a best for all outcome.

If you want to start online and doing it bit by bit, there’s also the DIP Lite Course, designed specially to get to integrate the habit of writing as part of your day to day living.

Now this is the benefit of this process, it’s something you can do for the rest of your life, by yourself, and even if or when you cannot write for whatever reason, you can still sound yourself, you can speak to yourself in a directive manner which I also enjoy doing these days, having conversations with me where I dig deeper into myself, look at things within myself, lol get real with myself – but the ‘down-side’ is that there are no records of that and it’s prone to be forgotten an hour later, so that’s where the documenting of all of this process through writing or vlogging comes to be so valuable and I’m thankful to myself that I have continued to do so even after those long ‘halts’ and losing track of this basic and most valuable self-support: writing, writing yourself to freedom.

Do it! Test it out! I don’t ask for much, just write with intent and starting point to get real with yourself, see what you find out, get intimate with you, this is also a very cool step into developing a relationship with yourself, which wrongly many times we go seeking ‘out there’ and forgetting we’re always here with ourselves first.

 

Enjoy : )

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


516. What Will Others Say?

Or debunking our own ‘after thoughts’ that we believe others hold against us and discovering, it’s all created by me.

I’ll start by sharing that I regularly write notes about things that come up within me during the day (written on the back of sales-tickets, to use that whole whiteness of paper!) and place some keywords on how I experienced myself in situation, in my interactions with people, any memories or patterns to open up, dreams, fears… and that’s how I get to have something to say and write about, which is part of the joy of getting to know oneself, when looking deeply, there’s a ton to open up and create a solution for and this point of ‘what will others say’ has been there for more than a week and I have kind of deliberately ‘skipped it’ over, lol procrastinating my own benefit, so here it goes for once and for all.

This rather common after-thought of ‘what will others say’ I’ve found to be very common in most of us human beings in terms of how we are individuals that constantly see ourselves through ‘the eyes of others’ which means: we constantly think that everything that we do is always going to be scrutinized and judged by others and usually not in the most beneficial or ‘flattering’ ways. This is something that I got to look at through listening to some parts of a ‘hangout’ between 4 young guys or teens in the Conscious Consumer Network discussing stuff about their lives, their points of view at their age and the problems that mostly press on them and a recurrent one seemed to be how other peers might judge them and how adults can also look down upon them, which also goes in the way of feeling ‘out of place’ or feeling scrutinized by others.

It got me looking into how I felt at that age in my teens or even pre-teens when I wanted to already be an adult all the time and get to do the things that ‘grownups do’ and feeling outside of the box with my own peers and just uncomfortable within my own skin, not fitting in and wanting to be alone but at the same time craving for social interaction. And a lot of the limitations as to why we many times limit ourselves in the things that we do or don’t do are based on the sneaky thinking related to ‘what will others say or think?’

This is something that until this day I can struggle with, especially when it comes to acknowledging a situation in my life where I am fearing to be called out for ‘failing’ at something or not fulfilling what I believe others’ ‘expectations’ are towards me, believing that people will diminish ‘who I am’ if I explain why I decided not to follow through with a particular life-project that I had planned for myself initially – or when I see myself not having the ‘regular profession’ that you can actually get a ‘title’ from a ‘renowned’ institution validating the very activity I am dedicating my life to – or when I can see at my past of relationships with people that didn’t end up ‘so well’ or when I’ve dared to not follow some ‘traditions’ or when I dared to follow some but not ‘culminate’ them as I believe others expected me to…. And the list could go on and in fact I will review all of this for myself because all of this that I am naming means that I am defining as ‘who I am’ and as something that I believe others are in fact ‘holding against me’ to invalidate me, to inferiorize me, to ‘not be taken seriously,’ to be diminished as a ‘dreamer that wants to change the world’ or to be defined as a ‘quitter’ or someone that has not yet ‘accomplished’ something ‘of value’ in system standards or someone that hasn’t made the brightest choices in life… and the list might go on as well.

In the past two weeks I’ve had to confront myself with my creation, my reality, the results of my starting point and choices in a point of self-creation that led me to look at myself in the mirror, in self-honesty and realize that upon having written about most of the things I was deciding and going through, I was mostly willing to walk through the process of making a somewhat tough decision in my life, yet at the same time discovering that I thought of how easy it would actually be if I didn’t have to confront it with anyone else in my life – not the society and community I live in including my family, my colleagues and friends and the rest of the people who I think are ‘out to find a flaw in me’ to then diminish myself to a point of ‘failure.’ In essence, a lot of what was bothering me was in fact the notion of ‘what will others say or think about me’ my decisions, my reality.

However as much as people can actually talk and have a say on everything – as we all do at any given time about anything we decide to create a judgment or opinion about – I realized that all of this that I was holding inside me was in fact myself, my own judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, being my own worst judge, myself caring about ‘an image’ or a certain ‘ego-status’ that I have kept as an ideal of ‘being flawless.’

As I write this what comes up is an explanation of how early on this boils down to in my life, where the actual origin of this is yes, having been the ‘perfect student’ with ‘clean A’s’ all the way from the moment I stepped into a school and having people, my peers that were also 7 or 8 year olds coming at me and telling me how much they were going to ‘beat me’ next time at something, and how they would get on top of my position and I would fail and they would laugh at my misery – etc. Yes, of course not a nice thing to go through considering I had or have been very gullible about the human condition and could not understand how someone could be that ‘mean’ to me – and that caused quite a lot of commotion and uncertainty in myself but didn’t stop me from continuing doing my best and thanks to my mother from whom I learned  – and still do – to focus on myself, to do it for myself, to never mind what others think or say and that their words represented them, defined them, not me.

That was supportive at the time and it did help a lot to go through every day at school where I would at times be subject of ‘whole-class’ discrimination where it was as if everyone just decided to ‘turn against me’ in a way to ostracize me. It felt horrible, I would arrive home very sad and crying out because of it and I didn’t want to go to school any longer due to that, but I did anyways – unfortunately just like many, many kids nowadays that get bullied at school and go through worse situations than I did – and having this coming from even those girls that I deemed as ‘my friends’ was my first taste of betrayal, but also of seeing how much ‘what others say or do towards me’ could affect me.

Over the year growing up I learned to create a hard veneer towards all of that kind of criticism, which also led me to become a ‘tough head’ at times, antagonistic, be defensive, be outspoken and a bit ‘over the top’ in certain aspects which at the same time I don’t regret at all because at the time, it did help me walk through the rest of school years not trying to ‘find a spot’ any longer but rather building my own space and getting along with  anyone that I could, which is something I am glad I did. I wasn’t deliberately becoming ‘apart’ from others as a form of rejection to others or spiting them, but didn’t attempt to ‘fit in’ any longer, while also learning to talk to and relate to most people in my class, which is cool to do and this I’d recommend anyone around that age to do: be yourself, create your own spot, get along with everyone, treat everyone as equals and that’s what you’ll get back as well.

Back to the point of ‘What will others say’ and how it plays out into my current life situation is where I am the one that has kept that same belief within me that ‘others are out to get me’ or ‘watch me fall’ and that I have to keep a certain façade of ‘all is well’ and ‘doing great’ all the time so as to not give any ‘entry’ to a ‘flaw’ in me that could unleash criticism, judgment, opinions coming from others that might be just waiting to ‘find fault’ on me.

Now this is all that I have in fact created in my own mind, it is what I have accepted and allowed to give power away to as ‘what others will think of me’ and in fact it has been a constant point these days when having to confront people in my family, my community about the changes in my life and I could see that as much as I have done a pretty good job at presenting myself in a cool, calm and collected manner and as much as this is in fact an expression that seems comfortable in the moment – there are still discomforts in the background based on this notion of ‘how others might be thinking, judging, conversing’ about my life situation and how others will be opinionated about my choices and decisions.

One thing that has worked for me and that I have reminded myself about is to realize ‘I am the one living my life, my creation, my outcome and my choices, not anyone else’ which means if anyone has an opinion, belief, idea, perception, judgment about me, it is still their perception, their point of view or judgment that defines them and how they use their mind to assess other people’s life situation, but it certainly doesn’t define me.

Now this of course doesn’t mean that I don’t hear anyone else’s perspective on my situation, I do, do I am aware of how I also assess such feedback.  I am fortunate enough to have people in my life that I know I can count on to be simply there as a reminder of my own self-honesty – which is frankly the most valuable thing to do in times where we might be losing our footing in certain situations. And these are the people I can trust on getting feedback on so that I can at the same time check with myself in my own self-trust what I can look at, what can I work on within myself, what can I focus on opening up and creating a solution for the situation I am in, what kind of ways or paths can I create to step on my way through this challenging situation I am in. Therefore this becomes a constructive form of feedback that I can not only blindly take in, but assess within my own self trust, within my own self-honesty and then take it or leave it, but it’s always ‘on me’ and about me supporting myself, me being able to ‘live’ with myself, my choices, my decisions, in my life.

I definitely would like all of our relationships to be that way and this I certainly commit myself to do as well with people that I at the same time, have the fortune to be in a position of assisting and supporting in their own lives, their own process. Supporting, meaning: being there as a reminder of one’s self-honesty, without judgment, without expectations, without prejudices, but in humbleness and understanding, being ‘there’ for another while they find their own way through as well.

This is how I realize that all of the rest of judgments, ideas, prejudices I believe others would have to say about me as all the people that come up in my mind when considering having to ‘explain’ myself and my life, my choices, my decisions are nothing else but my own expectations built through memories, past situations where I would become ‘paralyzed’ with fearing others ‘coming at me’ to point out all the potential ways in which they could watch me fall and enjoy the show… yep, it is quite a problem that this can be happening between kids at such an early age and yes, if one doesn’t have proper support it can reverberate throughout one’s entire lifetime.

Here then I opened up and discovered how this notion of having to confront myself ‘at the eyes of others’ resonates with that early memory at school I described earlier and how the same conditioning of fearing that ‘others rejoice at seeing me fail’ is still keeping me bound to not stand fully clear in my current reality, because of perceiving that ‘others’ words, expectations, judgments, ideas’ about myself can actually have an impact on me, my life and who I am – but! Guess what? They don’t!

I have to remind myself that this that I am experiencing currently as this uncertainty of confronting others in my life and having to ‘explain’ myself as who I currently am in my life and my decisions is something I can actually self-forgive and let go of, because I am the one that is making and living that decision, not anyone else – and that’s how no one really has the actual position of ‘being me’ to have an actual say on who I am, what I do, the choices I make and why I make them.  Therefore any thought that comes up in me, about ‘others’ judging me, rejoicing at the notion of me ‘failing’ at something – I have to remind myself that it’s based on past memories and in no way defines ‘me’ currently.

In this I also remind myself that I can only ever be my own worst judge and that I can only be the one that accepts and allows any form of judgment to ‘affect me’ – it’s all on me, and that’s how I see that whenever I am ‘fearing’ what ‘others have to say’ about myself, my life, my choices, my decision, my ways, my principles = it doesn’t define me, but it will if I give my power away to it.

And as an extra point that I’ve proven as well is that, in our minds we tend to completely blow things out of proportion – so even in situations that we might be fearing to confront or perceive as potentially uncomfortable while participating in this backchat about ‘what others have to say’ about me, I’ve proven that most of it I completely blew out of proportion and made it a lot worse than what it actually was, and that I ended up becoming more of a nervous wreck based on my own imaginations and projections than when facing the ‘real deal’ and finding out ‘wow, it wasn’t as bad as I thought’ – this I consider is also one of those very common patterns that we can all remind ourselves about and stop torturing ourselves with it.

So! I’ll stop my own mind in relation to this and I have to say, I’ve definitely been much better at this all that I’ve described today through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life, but not to a complete extent yet which is why it’s awesome to face things in my life and find out ‘hey! I still give too much value to what others might be thinking about me, gotta change that!’ and come here and lay it out for myself so that I cannot run away from my own self-honesty any longer, lol, which is actually another last minute reminder of how contradictory is that we put off or procrastinate to work on the very points that could ease our lives and make ourselves ‘know where we stand’ within ourselves again – it’s all about the power of writing and self-honest personal ‘debunkings’ that can clear the space and make us enjoy discovering ourselves as well.

So, enjoy doing yours and thanks for reading

And! Please gift yourself with this awesome recording to ‘find your way through’ even in the apparently worst-case scenario you might be at in your life, fresh from today:

Everywhere but Within – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 75

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

 


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