Tag Archives: self righteousness

88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment
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80. Seeking for a Meaningful Li(e)fe

“This is even better!” Is a constant way to talk ourselves into thinking that whatever we had perceived as a failure/ fall is now ‘overcome’ and the ‘new me’ is even better, so as to always remain like the ‘winner in the story’ wherein the character that suffered some great fall/ disillusionment finds something ‘greater’ than before, something that is ‘the real shit,’ the ‘real deal’ and absolutely ‘truthful to oneself.’ Can you recognize the gibberish? Yes, it is sponsored by the most common spiritual positive type of self-talk to always remain like a ‘winner’ in your mind, no matter what.

 

This is a continuation of:

Pattern:

  1. “I did not get what I wanted; I seek for something else to ‘truly’ fulfill me”
  2. Wanting to escape from the ‘capitalist world’ and rebel by boing to an ‘unexpected extreme’

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Anything taken Personally is Just a Defense Mechanism to Protect a Character from being Diminished in its Role of Competing for Validation, and Influence and Happiness in the World of Illusion as Character to keep the Illusion going, because in the Illusion the Character makes all the Rules and is a Law unto itself, Regardless of what Harm it Bring to the Natural Living World” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I do not get what I want, I drop it, diss it and ‘move on’ by spitefulness to seek something – once again – that will ‘fulfill me’ in a more ‘truthful manner,’ which is what is usually linked to escaping the world of money that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge extensively.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw psychological tantrums wherein through allowing myself to remain in a particular ‘emotional mode,’ I make decisions based on that emotional-spitefulness, without considering at all what is it that I initially reacted to and how I was absolutely self-responsible for that which I deemed was ‘done onto me,’ which I allowed myself to use to become ‘the victim,’ instead of taking responsibility for all the stages of the event/ moment/ situations that took place before I go into an emotional-breakdown wherein I ‘revamp’ myself by doing something ‘radical’ for a change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be against something/ someone that I had initially sought to attain and that, because I didn’t get my satisfaction from it, I then turn against it, diss it/ criticize it and judge everyone involved wherein I turn into a spiteful person that ‘does not want anything to do with that/ them’ in an emotional state, without being able to consider a solution simply because of allowing me to be self-righteous about my emotional experience, believing that ‘I had the right to be pissed off/ sad/ disillusioned.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and I would go into disillusionment, an ‘emotional breakdown’ and seeing my entire ‘world’ falling apart, I would do the next most radical thing that I could pursue in my own value and moral schemes, wherein I would then take me to the opposite extreme just to spite the previous situation, to not have to face my responsibility toward everything that I judged, but instead, become self-righteous about it and believe that ‘it is my right to do whatever I want and say whatever I want to say, I don’t give a fuck about anything’

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life while being possessed by anger and spitefulness, believing myself to be ‘right’ about being angry and this being backed up by friends that would agree with me, just because of how I would tell the story which was obviously to my benefit, to make me look like ‘the victim’ so that I could get their commiseration and have them backing up my ‘new plans’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create ‘friendships’ based on how much they could agree with the character I was aiming at being/ becoming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become spiteful toward the people involved in an event that I projected blame toward, without ever realizing how I had accepted and allowed myself to just ‘trust’ without any form of actual communication and understanding of what I was in fact participating in and cooperating with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use people to validate my perspectives, points of view upon the entire event so that I could feel like I was ‘cheated’ and remain as a ‘victim’ that had all the right to simply cut all ties with them and ‘do things my way,’ which is a recurrent pattern whenever I experience myself as ‘the victim’ in the world, gathering enough ‘votes to my favor’ so that I could feel good in my misery.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use ‘disillusionment’ from ‘the artworld’ as an excuse for me to seek new ways to create wherein I use people to validate my ‘new aims’ based on wanting to create a more ‘meaningful’ art that would not be sold in art galleries.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start a project based on spitefulness, a desire for revenge and an apparent ‘healing process’ to what I perceived was ‘done onto me,’ which was nothing else but 100% pure drama that I created in order to validate my own way out of having to face my responsibility, not realizing that any anger that I allowed myself to exist as was in fact anger toward myself for not getting my dream and instead facing reality, which was then me thinking that ‘I had made the wrong choice,’ which all boils down to me realizing that I simply was not alright toward myself at all and that my discomfort, anger and frustration was not even about the entire art event, but a general dissatisfaction with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to now turn into spirituality even further as a way to finally declare my dissociation from ‘mainstream arts,’ and seeking to ‘find the truth’ in that which I had been reading/ investigating which was in the vein of entheogens and spiritual awakenings through the use of acid.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn further into spirituality as a way to escape what I judged as the evil capitalist world that would ‘suck artists dry of their pure inspiration,’ which was nothing but blatant self manipulation to get things my way and remain as a ‘winner’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I used spirituality as way to spite the world as in spite-you-all that is also existent in the word spiritual. I realize that my search for ‘god’ or a transcendental experience was based on knowledge and information that I sought to ‘make real’ in my world through following a ‘divine path’ that I was creating for myself, wherein all signs and symbols and events that I started connecting would ‘match’ a pattern of me having to apparently become this enlightened being that could create a new form of art that could heal the masses.

 

This was the moment in my life when I was rapidly hitting rock bottom – this was December and I found Desteni the last day of the last month, where everything that went on for these two months was nothing but me drowning myself into my own ‘tormented soul’ and not getting any other satisfaction but the one that I was busy building as the ‘spiritual search,’ dedicating my entire days to research more and learn about conspiracy theories and everything that I could use to redefine my career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to seek the truth behind the veil of money and success’ wherein I was aiming at becoming some type of ascetic that is only seeking for a ‘divine truth’ by detaching from all worldly things and pursuing my ‘spiritual awakening’ even further – never realizing or considering at all what I was in fact doing and proclaiming as an overall desire to ‘detach from the system,’ which was plain ignorant as I had no idea nor did I consider how no one is able to really in fact be ‘out of the system,’ yet I proclaimed I would do it in the name of ‘the truth’ and ‘my mission in life,’ which started blending more with my artistic-endeavors and I was busy shaping my ‘new religion’ based on spirituality, art and a guru-like personality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek ‘the truth’ through the use of drugs as a means to ‘speed up my awakening’ which proves to what extent I manipulated myself to ‘spite the system’ in what I deemed was ‘the key’ out of the system, seeking spiritual enlightenment so that I would not have to be ‘bound by the claws of the system,’ which was very naïve of myself and plain ignorant, because I never considered how everything that I consume had to be paid for, including the drugs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘seek for something to give me the answer to my life’ and ‘seeking to create meaningful art’ as a point of self-definition based on spitefulness due to/ because of the previous event wherein my dreams of fame/ success we’re not fulfilled as I wanted them to be, throwing a tantrum and seeing everything as being ‘not good enough for me,’ believing myself to be ‘more special than that,’ which is how I lead myself to pursue an spiritual awakening and being predicating overzealously about it, which was me driving myself into my own religion wherein I could finally ‘do things my way’ and apparently ‘free myself from the system.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself at the moment of writing this because of seeing it as absolutely tantrum-based, typical emotional breakdown wherein overcoming the situation implies doing something ‘more rebellious’ than what was done in the past, wherein I simply would have continued trying something out and when being dissatisfied by it, dumping it and going for the next big hit in my life – over and over and over again moving from one spot to another seeking for a ‘truth’ outside of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as plain stupid for having done what I’ve done, and regret having existed with such self-righteousness in the past wherein I could not see anything else but what I deemed was ‘right’ and believing that what I was doing was ‘my right to do so,’ in absolute spitefulness and vengeful ways that I covered up in a positive manner through and by spirituality, believing that I had to go through such ‘tormented situations’ to give up my ‘earthly desires’ and pursuit a more ‘divine-relationship with god.’

 

So this is the moment that I was ready to go fully into the rabbit hole of spirituality and religions and, if it had not been because of finding Desteni and finally supporting myself to stop all my mindfucks, I would have probably continued that way for the remainder of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had to seek ‘beyond myself’ and my ‘limited mind’ to create some type of transcendental art, wanting to ‘establish awareness with the divine in this world,’ which is how I justified all my endeavors in separation of myself, seeking for a ‘truth’ that I could defend zealously, because of thinking that ‘this time, what I was pursuing was ‘above it all’ as it had to do with the idea of god and the ‘whole’ as myself. I realize that this is the ‘oneness’ preached in spirituality, wherein I would only seek to fulfill myself and my dreams/ ideals based on ‘the positive’ while being absolutely oblivious to the entire world and Reality, where no bliss or happiness exists if you have no money to eat.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘change the world’ through art mixing it with spiritual practices, so that I could fulfill my spiritual ego and endeavors of something ‘greater than myself,’ which is the basic and primordial fuck that lead us to the point that we are now facing in our reality, wherein everything that we have ever sought is this ‘moreness’ of ourselves outside of ourselves, in separation of who we are as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to validate my ‘pursuit’ by taking other artistic characters as examples, wherein I ‘knew’ that by creating this specialness about my life and turning into this ‘misunderstood misfit’ I could justify my work as even more ‘meaningful’ within the art world, due to how ‘drama’ was accepted as a key ingredient to ‘make any real art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my abdication of responsibility toward myself, my word and reality by pursuing ‘spiritual realms’ wherein I could apparently only establish a relationship with something divine and somehow be magically ‘saved from this evil world,’ without even taking a moment to look at reality and see how I was the very +1 point added to the entire mess wherein we only care about ourselves, our own pursuit of happiness which I translated to an apparent ‘superior’ stage such as spirituality, never realizing it is no different to pursuing being a millionaire and having ‘all the power in the world,’ as I translated such power to light, bliss and ultimate wholeness that spiritual teachings claimed.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I don’t want anything to do with this reality any longer’ which was just another character script line so that I could justify my ‘eccentricity’ as a special being in this ‘fucked up world’ that seeks for something ‘greater’ that not everyone pursues, fueling my own mindfuck by the perspectives and opinions given by people around me which were all relationships backing up my character, my self-belief and within this thinking that I was ‘on the right path’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the thought ‘I just want to be at peace with myself’ wherein I implied that all that I cared was me-myself-and-I and the rest could go down the drain, because of believing that I was not my body, that this world was an illusion and that I had nothing to do with this ‘realm’ of earthly desires. Within this manipulating myself to be and become this spiritual-artist character that is ‘more special’ than everyone else in my own mind only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge, criticize, diss and diminish the ‘glamorous art realms’ due to and because of me believing and perceiving that I had been ‘cheated’ within it, and that I was ‘too noble’ for such businesses, which became my excuse to not pursue anything ‘real’ within my career but only follow through my spiritual endeavors and beginning to start thinking again that I had made the wrong career choice, and that I should dedicate myself fully to spirituality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make an ‘oath’ with myself to only make art that ‘matters’ and not just take nice pictures, which was me making myself ‘more’ than before just so that I could not feel like I had failed in my dreams and endeavors to become famous and ‘well known’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I don’t want to sell myself out this time,’ which is when I started judging money even more as something evil and corrupt that would ‘taint noble young souls’ and ruining the ‘true artist’ which I deemed myself to be, based on all the stories I had read of other artistic characters that I took as a bible to follow

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this time, I was going to create something ‘real’ and ‘meaningful’ which was just creating my self-religion based on past experiences wherein I was still trying to spite everything that could point out to earning lots of money/ being famous just because I had not achieved my satisfaction within that point, not realizing that if it had in fact ‘satisfied me,’ I would have continued walking my endeavors to escalate more and more in the artworld and continue defending ‘art’ the way that I did before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive myself to being establishing a relationship with ‘the divine’ and wanting to express ‘god’ through my work, getting lost in meanings, symbols, knowledge and information that I consumed in order to create this ‘unique’ self-religion so that I could make of art and spirituality ‘my life,’ all in separation of myself, not even regarding how everything that allowed me to continue living was money to buy food and pay my rent and continue existing in this world, which is how I deliberately shun away the actual planning and the practical steps to be taken in order to establish myself as being able to earn money from art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘god is not money and fame, and it is here for everyone,’ wherein I deluded myself into thinking that I could escape from reality somehow if I established a real devotion toward ‘the divine,’ which is nothing more but pure fanaticism that I was busy building and feeding through knowledge and information that I would quickly embrace because ‘it sounded good to my eyes,’ which proves how anything that eventually shattered my world was seen as something ‘of doubtful precedence’ and ‘not trust worthy’ just because of how I had become so used to thinking that life was about beauty, art and ‘the divine’ that I had to somehow embrace as a constant ‘state of being, ‘ as eternally blissful even if I was in this world – which is the ultimate declaration of separation, as I was willing to pursue this eternal satisfaction, feeling untouchable by the world while the world could fall apart in pieces because I would be protected, because of being a ‘good divine follower’ to some god/ energy/ superior being that I was busy trying to create a relationship to- never ever taking the point back to myself to see how I was only seeking me in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would not sell my artwork to ‘stay true to myself, ‘ which was nothing else but a tantrum-based declaration due to the past events of which I remain a victim of for a long time, due to me deliberately seeing how I was absolutely responsible for it all.

 

spiritual mindfuck

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to get rid of something/ someone based on a past event wherein I see myself as the victim – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point will not have to even be existent if I stop the victimization process from the get go every time that I believe and perceive that ‘something is being done onto me.’ Thus I take the point back to myself, take responsibility for what I have created, said/done and within that, stop the cycles of spitefulness, revenge and retaliation toward anything or anyone that I have blamed for my experience.

 

When and as I see myself going into a tantrum of feeling misunderstood and building up emotions and feelings with it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every time that I see myself going into a ‘down’ experience is linked to me not fulfilling an expectation that I envisioned in separation of myself. Thus I take responsibility to ensure that whatever I do is based on the benefit of all and not just pursuing my personal-life of seeking any form of desire as something/ someone in separation of myself. I realize I am here, breathing, and complete. I do not require anyone or anything to make me ‘more’ than who and what I already am here.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for a ‘radical change’ in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such ‘radical’ and ‘extreme’ moves are based on wanting to spite something/ someone, wanting to make myself ‘more’ again based on a previous perceived fall leading to the belief of me ‘lacking’ something to make myself feel better again, which is all mind-state based/ experience based which is not who and what I really am. Who and what I exist as is the simplicity of breath here that is self directive and does not require to experience something ‘more’ based on a previous memory of a perceived fall. All I require is to stop participating in thoughts leading to a ‘more’ or ‘less’ experience of myself and continue breathing, doing and directing myself to be an do that which is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am right at being/ becoming angry at someone/ the world and people agree about this experience within me. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not a point to trust as I am manipulating myself to become the victimized character that seeks company and commiseration in order to justify my own experience as ‘real,’ which is not. I direct myself to take responsibility for any thought implying that I am being done something ‘onto me,’ instead I take responsibility for my thoughts, stop, breathe and continue directing myself within the practicality required in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself projecting blame onto others, thinking or believing that ‘they are doing something onto me deliberately,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the victimized character mechanism to ensure that I continue seeking ways to ‘make myself feel better’ by opposing, creating further conflict to regain my ‘positive experience.’ I realize that who I am here as breath does not require to exist as a constant experience.

 

When and as I see myself using spitefulness and a deliberate self-deprecated sate of being as a ‘healing process’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I used this ‘state of being’ to manipulate people around me, to ‘have mercy on me’ and continue fueling my character of the ‘suffered and misunderstood one’ which is unacceptable, as it is nothing else but emotional blackmail that I am able to stop the very moment that I see myself feeling ‘down’ and ‘low’ as a deliberate expression presented onto and toward others.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘spite the system’ by doing something that is ‘against the law’ and against ‘morals’ I stop and I breathe – I realize the little game for what it is as a means to make myself be ‘more’ than/ more clever/ more ‘cunning’ in the system based on doing that which is ‘forbidden,’ which is just a tantrum and mind-game of self-importance that I ensure I don’t ever participate in by establishing myself here as breath wherein I take responsibility for everything I do, say and think.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for something to give me the answer to life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the answer to life by directing myself in common sense, stopping all useless participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings and realize that there is actual work to be done within myself and in my reality to be the solution required in this world. This implies nothing else but common sensical living, moment by moment, breath by breath, taking responsibility for all the mind-games that I’ve placed and ensuring I stop them here as myself in every moment that I breathe and stop participating in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself whining about wanting to experience something, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am creating an unnecessary friction in my mind to eventually become possessed by that whining and get it by all means possible, which is unacceptable. I remain the directive principle of myself here in every moment that I breathe and direct myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘I don’t want to do this any longer’ I stop and I breathe. I check the point wherein I have missed the point of myself and how I am creating a ‘better experience’ in mind. I apply self forgiveness for the desire of a ‘moreness of myself’ in separation of who I am here as simplicity of breath. Within this I ensure that I remain in the simplicity, stability and consistency of myself in breath day by day, moment by moment without defining myself according to the past or any other desire, want and need that may emerge in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to create, be and become something ‘meaningful’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself in the desire of ‘meaningfulness’ as something more than myself here in simplicity as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging selling my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such judgment comes from the self-righteous spitefulness toward the perceived ‘evil world system,’ which means that it is all judgment based on making myself feel ‘less corrupt’ than everyone else, which is a lie to see myself as ‘better than.’ Thus, I direct myself to if and the opportunity is here to do so, go for it and use the money to support myself in what I require to consume to continue living. Simple.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I have to ‘stay true to myself,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘truth’ as myself has been a personality that has believed itself to always be right as a character/ personality based on always seeing myself as the winner, the one that is right and always ‘on the right path.’ Thus I direct myself to simply stay here as breath wherein I see, realize and understand that I do not require to make myself as a ‘truth’ and ‘honest’ person based on a self-belief of ‘being right’ about my decisions and actions – instead I continue breathing and moving myself moment by moment without holding an ‘idea’ or belief of ‘who I am’ moment by moment.

 

“I commit myself to show that as Long as One Create Self as a Character in the Mind, one is a Criminal that Abuses Life for Self-Interest of the Self Created as Character.” – Bernard Poolman

 

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“I commit myself to show that Self-Honesty will be Tough, as the Characters of the Life of Self have Multiple Diversions and know all the Lies – and thus will Do Everything in thought Backchat to Invalidate Self-Honesty. Discipline Self, Breath by Breath, in Self-Honesty to Return to the Physical Body and to Stop all thought, as Thought Only Creates Characters of Illusion that Lie.” – Bernard Poolman

 

Blogs for de-characterization:

This is a continuation to:


Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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