Tag Archives: self-trust

532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


516. What Will Others Say?

Or debunking our own ‘after thoughts’ that we believe others hold against us and discovering, it’s all created by me.

I’ll start by sharing that I regularly write notes about things that come up within me during the day (written on the back of sales-tickets, to use that whole whiteness of paper!) and place some keywords on how I experienced myself in situation, in my interactions with people, any memories or patterns to open up, dreams, fears… and that’s how I get to have something to say and write about, which is part of the joy of getting to know oneself, when looking deeply, there’s a ton to open up and create a solution for and this point of ‘what will others say’ has been there for more than a week and I have kind of deliberately ‘skipped it’ over, lol procrastinating my own benefit, so here it goes for once and for all.

This rather common after-thought of ‘what will others say’ I’ve found to be very common in most of us human beings in terms of how we are individuals that constantly see ourselves through ‘the eyes of others’ which means: we constantly think that everything that we do is always going to be scrutinized and judged by others and usually not in the most beneficial or ‘flattering’ ways. This is something that I got to look at through listening to some parts of a ‘hangout’ between 4 young guys or teens in the Conscious Consumer Network discussing stuff about their lives, their points of view at their age and the problems that mostly press on them and a recurrent one seemed to be how other peers might judge them and how adults can also look down upon them, which also goes in the way of feeling ‘out of place’ or feeling scrutinized by others.

It got me looking into how I felt at that age in my teens or even pre-teens when I wanted to already be an adult all the time and get to do the things that ‘grownups do’ and feeling outside of the box with my own peers and just uncomfortable within my own skin, not fitting in and wanting to be alone but at the same time craving for social interaction. And a lot of the limitations as to why we many times limit ourselves in the things that we do or don’t do are based on the sneaky thinking related to ‘what will others say or think?’

This is something that until this day I can struggle with, especially when it comes to acknowledging a situation in my life where I am fearing to be called out for ‘failing’ at something or not fulfilling what I believe others’ ‘expectations’ are towards me, believing that people will diminish ‘who I am’ if I explain why I decided not to follow through with a particular life-project that I had planned for myself initially – or when I see myself not having the ‘regular profession’ that you can actually get a ‘title’ from a ‘renowned’ institution validating the very activity I am dedicating my life to – or when I can see at my past of relationships with people that didn’t end up ‘so well’ or when I’ve dared to not follow some ‘traditions’ or when I dared to follow some but not ‘culminate’ them as I believe others expected me to…. And the list could go on and in fact I will review all of this for myself because all of this that I am naming means that I am defining as ‘who I am’ and as something that I believe others are in fact ‘holding against me’ to invalidate me, to inferiorize me, to ‘not be taken seriously,’ to be diminished as a ‘dreamer that wants to change the world’ or to be defined as a ‘quitter’ or someone that has not yet ‘accomplished’ something ‘of value’ in system standards or someone that hasn’t made the brightest choices in life… and the list might go on as well.

In the past two weeks I’ve had to confront myself with my creation, my reality, the results of my starting point and choices in a point of self-creation that led me to look at myself in the mirror, in self-honesty and realize that upon having written about most of the things I was deciding and going through, I was mostly willing to walk through the process of making a somewhat tough decision in my life, yet at the same time discovering that I thought of how easy it would actually be if I didn’t have to confront it with anyone else in my life – not the society and community I live in including my family, my colleagues and friends and the rest of the people who I think are ‘out to find a flaw in me’ to then diminish myself to a point of ‘failure.’ In essence, a lot of what was bothering me was in fact the notion of ‘what will others say or think about me’ my decisions, my reality.

However as much as people can actually talk and have a say on everything – as we all do at any given time about anything we decide to create a judgment or opinion about – I realized that all of this that I was holding inside me was in fact myself, my own judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions, being my own worst judge, myself caring about ‘an image’ or a certain ‘ego-status’ that I have kept as an ideal of ‘being flawless.’

As I write this what comes up is an explanation of how early on this boils down to in my life, where the actual origin of this is yes, having been the ‘perfect student’ with ‘clean A’s’ all the way from the moment I stepped into a school and having people, my peers that were also 7 or 8 year olds coming at me and telling me how much they were going to ‘beat me’ next time at something, and how they would get on top of my position and I would fail and they would laugh at my misery – etc. Yes, of course not a nice thing to go through considering I had or have been very gullible about the human condition and could not understand how someone could be that ‘mean’ to me – and that caused quite a lot of commotion and uncertainty in myself but didn’t stop me from continuing doing my best and thanks to my mother from whom I learned  – and still do – to focus on myself, to do it for myself, to never mind what others think or say and that their words represented them, defined them, not me.

That was supportive at the time and it did help a lot to go through every day at school where I would at times be subject of ‘whole-class’ discrimination where it was as if everyone just decided to ‘turn against me’ in a way to ostracize me. It felt horrible, I would arrive home very sad and crying out because of it and I didn’t want to go to school any longer due to that, but I did anyways – unfortunately just like many, many kids nowadays that get bullied at school and go through worse situations than I did – and having this coming from even those girls that I deemed as ‘my friends’ was my first taste of betrayal, but also of seeing how much ‘what others say or do towards me’ could affect me.

Over the year growing up I learned to create a hard veneer towards all of that kind of criticism, which also led me to become a ‘tough head’ at times, antagonistic, be defensive, be outspoken and a bit ‘over the top’ in certain aspects which at the same time I don’t regret at all because at the time, it did help me walk through the rest of school years not trying to ‘find a spot’ any longer but rather building my own space and getting along with  anyone that I could, which is something I am glad I did. I wasn’t deliberately becoming ‘apart’ from others as a form of rejection to others or spiting them, but didn’t attempt to ‘fit in’ any longer, while also learning to talk to and relate to most people in my class, which is cool to do and this I’d recommend anyone around that age to do: be yourself, create your own spot, get along with everyone, treat everyone as equals and that’s what you’ll get back as well.

Back to the point of ‘What will others say’ and how it plays out into my current life situation is where I am the one that has kept that same belief within me that ‘others are out to get me’ or ‘watch me fall’ and that I have to keep a certain façade of ‘all is well’ and ‘doing great’ all the time so as to not give any ‘entry’ to a ‘flaw’ in me that could unleash criticism, judgment, opinions coming from others that might be just waiting to ‘find fault’ on me.

Now this is all that I have in fact created in my own mind, it is what I have accepted and allowed to give power away to as ‘what others will think of me’ and in fact it has been a constant point these days when having to confront people in my family, my community about the changes in my life and I could see that as much as I have done a pretty good job at presenting myself in a cool, calm and collected manner and as much as this is in fact an expression that seems comfortable in the moment – there are still discomforts in the background based on this notion of ‘how others might be thinking, judging, conversing’ about my life situation and how others will be opinionated about my choices and decisions.

One thing that has worked for me and that I have reminded myself about is to realize ‘I am the one living my life, my creation, my outcome and my choices, not anyone else’ which means if anyone has an opinion, belief, idea, perception, judgment about me, it is still their perception, their point of view or judgment that defines them and how they use their mind to assess other people’s life situation, but it certainly doesn’t define me.

Now this of course doesn’t mean that I don’t hear anyone else’s perspective on my situation, I do, do I am aware of how I also assess such feedback.  I am fortunate enough to have people in my life that I know I can count on to be simply there as a reminder of my own self-honesty – which is frankly the most valuable thing to do in times where we might be losing our footing in certain situations. And these are the people I can trust on getting feedback on so that I can at the same time check with myself in my own self-trust what I can look at, what can I work on within myself, what can I focus on opening up and creating a solution for the situation I am in, what kind of ways or paths can I create to step on my way through this challenging situation I am in. Therefore this becomes a constructive form of feedback that I can not only blindly take in, but assess within my own self trust, within my own self-honesty and then take it or leave it, but it’s always ‘on me’ and about me supporting myself, me being able to ‘live’ with myself, my choices, my decisions, in my life.

I definitely would like all of our relationships to be that way and this I certainly commit myself to do as well with people that I at the same time, have the fortune to be in a position of assisting and supporting in their own lives, their own process. Supporting, meaning: being there as a reminder of one’s self-honesty, without judgment, without expectations, without prejudices, but in humbleness and understanding, being ‘there’ for another while they find their own way through as well.

This is how I realize that all of the rest of judgments, ideas, prejudices I believe others would have to say about me as all the people that come up in my mind when considering having to ‘explain’ myself and my life, my choices, my decisions are nothing else but my own expectations built through memories, past situations where I would become ‘paralyzed’ with fearing others ‘coming at me’ to point out all the potential ways in which they could watch me fall and enjoy the show… yep, it is quite a problem that this can be happening between kids at such an early age and yes, if one doesn’t have proper support it can reverberate throughout one’s entire lifetime.

Here then I opened up and discovered how this notion of having to confront myself ‘at the eyes of others’ resonates with that early memory at school I described earlier and how the same conditioning of fearing that ‘others rejoice at seeing me fail’ is still keeping me bound to not stand fully clear in my current reality, because of perceiving that ‘others’ words, expectations, judgments, ideas’ about myself can actually have an impact on me, my life and who I am – but! Guess what? They don’t!

I have to remind myself that this that I am experiencing currently as this uncertainty of confronting others in my life and having to ‘explain’ myself as who I currently am in my life and my decisions is something I can actually self-forgive and let go of, because I am the one that is making and living that decision, not anyone else – and that’s how no one really has the actual position of ‘being me’ to have an actual say on who I am, what I do, the choices I make and why I make them.  Therefore any thought that comes up in me, about ‘others’ judging me, rejoicing at the notion of me ‘failing’ at something – I have to remind myself that it’s based on past memories and in no way defines ‘me’ currently.

In this I also remind myself that I can only ever be my own worst judge and that I can only be the one that accepts and allows any form of judgment to ‘affect me’ – it’s all on me, and that’s how I see that whenever I am ‘fearing’ what ‘others have to say’ about myself, my life, my choices, my decision, my ways, my principles = it doesn’t define me, but it will if I give my power away to it.

And as an extra point that I’ve proven as well is that, in our minds we tend to completely blow things out of proportion – so even in situations that we might be fearing to confront or perceive as potentially uncomfortable while participating in this backchat about ‘what others have to say’ about me, I’ve proven that most of it I completely blew out of proportion and made it a lot worse than what it actually was, and that I ended up becoming more of a nervous wreck based on my own imaginations and projections than when facing the ‘real deal’ and finding out ‘wow, it wasn’t as bad as I thought’ – this I consider is also one of those very common patterns that we can all remind ourselves about and stop torturing ourselves with it.

So! I’ll stop my own mind in relation to this and I have to say, I’ve definitely been much better at this all that I’ve described today through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life, but not to a complete extent yet which is why it’s awesome to face things in my life and find out ‘hey! I still give too much value to what others might be thinking about me, gotta change that!’ and come here and lay it out for myself so that I cannot run away from my own self-honesty any longer, lol, which is actually another last minute reminder of how contradictory is that we put off or procrastinate to work on the very points that could ease our lives and make ourselves ‘know where we stand’ within ourselves again – it’s all about the power of writing and self-honest personal ‘debunkings’ that can clear the space and make us enjoy discovering ourselves as well.

So, enjoy doing yours and thanks for reading

And! Please gift yourself with this awesome recording to ‘find your way through’ even in the apparently worst-case scenario you might be at in your life, fresh from today:

Everywhere but Within – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 75

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

 


494. Self-Motivation: Do It For Yourself

Some years ago I wrote about self-motivation and it’s a recurring topic within me because this is probably one of the most challenging things I’ve had to face in this process, which is that of understanding what ‘myself-moving-for-and-as-myself’ in fact means, because as human beings we’ve always been motivated/moved/driven by energy in the form of fears or desires, by a particular set of achievements that we create as an ideal ‘out there’ that we push ourselves to obtain. I heard somewhere yesterday – or today – about a hypothetical case where someone based their entire life on obtaining something, and when they finally got it, they did not know what to do with themselves. Lol, it’s funny I can’t remember where I got it from but it stuck with me because it prompted me to realize how much we have driven the entirety of our creation based on ‘achieving’ something outside of ourselves or getting something that we believe will fulfill us or make us ‘feel better’… yet we can eventually ‘get that’ and realize there’s still this ‘void’ or ‘un-fulfillment’ within us, which is because we made that ‘something’ the core-drive of our every move, instead of making of ourselves the core-drive and motivation of our every move to be and create what we set ourselves to do in this world.

That’s why here I’d like to look at self-motivation.

See, the point is not so much about finding things to do ‘out there’ and making them our drive or purpose, because I consider giving ourselves a purpose is something that we all have to create in our lives in order to live in a supportive manner. The point here is to look at ‘who we are’ within that purpose and ensuring that we are the starting point and motive/motor of such purpose at the same time.

What does this in fact mean? It implies that one has to do it for oneself, even if that which we are doing, working on or creating is ‘for something else’ or even to serve a particular purpose in someone else’s life, the starting point has to always be oneself so that no matter what happens to that which we create or work on, we know that every single moment of breath and movement of ourselves was lived within the starting point of supporting ourselves, of living that ability to move, to live, to direct, to challenge ourselves, to persevere in doing something that ultimately makes us grow and become better individuals every day, no matter what the outcome is.

I am finding it a bit hard to explain what it is like to wake up every day and have oneself as a motivation and starting point for everything, where fear is not really a motivation, nor a desire for money, nor wanting to ‘get something’ in particular either, but simply moving throughout the day based on a set of principles where I have to essentially in every moment decide to ‘move me’, I decide ‘to do things’, I decide to ‘get out of my comfort zone’, I decide to do what needs to be done, what I need to direct, create, take care of and expand on.

In my experience, it has been a constant point to create an equilibrium on, that’s how I can best describe it because I have been one of those people that had mostly ever worked on things and been very diligent in stuff in order to get some recognition, to do something that’s ‘really great’ but still get my ‘share of applause’ back, and living for that is just something that invariably leads oneself to a low, because the starting point is then getting an experience that is entirely dependent on others, on likes/dislikes, judgments, opinions, perceptions, moods, biases, lol… and the plethora of human emotions and feelings that I could get back as a response to ‘what I do’ which I have realized throughout this process from consciousness to awareness that it became more of a petrifying-process than a gratifying one at the end of the day. I knew I had to completely let go of ‘others’ in my head or this something/someone else I was ‘moving myself for’ and be my own starting point to be, do, act, live and express myself.

Has it been easy? Nope, I’ve caught myself over the years many times fooling me that ‘this time I am doing it to support me’ but I wasn’t, I still would have some hidden agenda to do something, be something to ‘impress others’ or get some kind of recognition ‘from others’ – yep! That has been the core programming in me and so it is an every moment decision to focus back on myself, to do it for me, to express it as something that I do as myself, for myself, no expectations, no desires, no fears behind it.

It’s easy to say but it’s been quite a process where I many times still question my intent and purpose behind doing something, but at the same time I’ve also found that stopping questioning it assists in simply breathing through a moment, trusting myself and walking the creation of something and walking through the outcomes of it. This way, letting go of expectations is quite a supportive thing to do because in any case, any idea, judgment, perception that anyone may have about something I did or didn’t do, is still that, a point of expression coming from others that can surely can be a feedback point, but it comes as a secondary thing once that I first establish me, myself as my core and starting point to do things and ultimately doing what I do in the name of my own bettering as a person and standing as that one point in this reality that can at the same time contribute to creating what I’ve always wanted us all to create: better world, better lives for everyone.

An example with self-motivation and money.  If we judge a world where money defines the value of a person, or where money is defended and cared for more than someone’s life, we have to stop then also moving ourselves merely by a desire for money for example, and instead see the current necessity for money as something that enables us to keep living, to have a roof over our heads, to continue creating means of living, to be healthy – if we use the money properly, that is – but in this way of looking at it, money stops being an ‘end’ in itself, it only becomes a means to keep myself/ourselves alive in order to continue learning how to actually live in the best way possible where I can then be the best I can for myself and so for others, to truly ‘birth life from the physical’ as every word, every action, every decision that I can make through being alive, through having money to keep myself alive and well – that’s about it that I see for now with myself and money.

At the same time I salute everyone else that is conducting bigger projects with money and that’s quite awesome as well where the use and purpose of money is for the creation of a living-environment that can be replicated in many other places around the world and be of support not only to humans, but plants, animals and ecosystems alike. I suggest checking out Gian’s Earth Haven project for it, and that’s a great example of motivation as well where money is used in a direct and visible manner to educate, propose ways of living and actually build them out in reality.

 

I share my own example where assisting other people in this same process is motivated by a greater purpose that I decided to be a part of in this world, which includes me and everyone else’s life to be the best that we can create it to be. This then comes through my own dedication and building up of skills through the years, expanding my own understanding and potential where I can assist myself and others to be their best version of themselves. What I’ve come to discover is that I genuinely enjoy being able to assist people in birthing themselves/ourselves as life, to discover who we really are beneath the clogging-mess that we can create in our minds and that’s a purpose and point of self-motivation that I had sought in many places, in many ways but had not really found anything as personally fulfilling as being a buddy or life-birthing assistant – as I like to call myself – wherein I am learning so much more about myself and others which in a way I sought to do through arts like reading books, painting, looking at art or music, but none of it quenched my thirst so to speak.

It’s fascinating how the contact with human beings in a deeper manner and with a direct and concrete focus to better ourselves, to change ourselves for the best is precisely what I’ve found most fulfilling to do in my life, which is great because as I explained in yesterday’s blog, I didn’t ‘like people’ and I was directing myself to be as separated from people as much as I could, being engulfed in my own little realm of pseudo-comfort, not having to ‘deal with people’… but, it is in dealing ‘with people’ and actually getting to understand the sometimes ‘nonsensical’ experiences we create in our minds and learning to take on the challenge to step out of such limitations that I’ve found a self-fulfilling activity where not only do I stand as the origin and starting point of it, understanding that if this is what I can do and am good at doing, then I am fulfilling both purposes: what I am and stand for and move myself to support others in doing the same, which is also why I write these blogs as well.

Many times throughout the past every time that I started ‘second guessing’ sharing my writings was because I was not being ‘the starting point’ of those writings as myself – meaning I was not my own point of self-movement/self-motivation – but I was trying to ‘show’ something to others, I was trying to get a point across only ‘for others’ and that eventually becomes a trap of ‘doing it for others’ as in having ‘others as my motivation’ for me writing myself, instead of doing it as an expression, a movement, a decision I make and simply live out and do.

So this is how I remember I have been practicing – with its ups and downs, clearly – since I wrote the blog Self Will: If I don’t move … Nothing Moves back in 2011, how self movement and my own will, my own volition as a decision I live becomes ‘who I am’ with everything I do. It is liberating and empowering at the same time to see and try out ‘who am I’ if I move myself for myself, as myself, no hidden agendas, no expected outcomes, no desires hidden, no fears in it either… but only a plain decision to move, willing myself to do it and continue doing it as an expression, an extension of myself, an ‘I move me’ decision. It’s very simple really but in our minds it does mean a process of disengaging having ‘others’ in the back of our heads or a particular experience we might get out of it, or a particular ‘outcome’ or ‘result’ as an outflow of what we do and that’s been a continuous challenge for me that I have to essentially cut-off and let-go-of anytime that this ‘doing it for something/someone’ rears its head.

If I am Not doing it for myself or as myself, whatever it is that I am ‘motivating’ myself with to move, will eventually crash down only to take me back to base 1 where I have to again re-establish myself as my starting point of self-movement or motivation. And this is ok to repeat and do as many times as it is needed to stand up from this, because at least in my case it’s easy to step out of oneself and start creating motivation through a desire for an experience or particular outcome, which is when we stop being our own reason and starting point for self-movement, self-expression and self-motivation and we give ourselves away to something/someone else.

How to tell then if we are our starting point in whatever we are doing? By questioning our starting point in doing or not doing things, because oh boy, I’ve been there where ‘not doing something’ was also a way to make some kind of a statement ‘for others out there’ and it really was a waste of time and inertia for nothing. Therefore, all I can recommend is to make sure that whenever we see doing something ‘for others’ I can immediately look back at myself and see what I am willing to live and do as and for myself and remove ‘others’ as an idea in my head.

This is something I was recently pondering about in relation to my appearance and how I have shaved my head for 7 years now due to the commitment I made for/as/with myself, but lately I’ve been giving too much attention to ‘how it is seen by others’ and whether it is supportive to engage with others and creating a possibly ‘wrong first impression’… but upon writing this here on motivation or the ‘motive’ behind things I do, I realize that I am again in that doubtful stance where I am placing others in my mind first instead of myself, and this doesn’t mean not to consider feedback or comments about it, but in the end, I do have to consider myself: what I want, what I am in relation to this point of appearance and making sure that if I decide to stop doing it, it’s not based on what others are desiring of myself as a ‘look’ because it is ultimately ‘just a look’ – but it would only be an decision motivated by me, making a decision and living it out. It is a fine balance between righteousness and actual considerations, which is something I’ll simply look at whenever the point is here again, and that’s why I started off this blog by sharing how this is probably one of those ‘challenging subjects’ because there’s always a fine line between motivating oneself based on what we believe we ‘are’ for others or ‘should be’ for others, and being and doing so for ourselves, standing for ourselves and I’d say for the first time learn to have me-myself and only ourselves as a starting point and end-point in our minds.

In doing this, as it’s been said many times, if we are the best to and for ourselves, standing in authenticity and authority within ourselves, being the director and motive behind every move and every decision to live, change and express, then we entirely own ourselves, we are responsible of ourselves and we are then at the same time also an individual that is part of a whole that stands in self-responsibility, in self-creation. What a better way to ‘change the world’ but through doing this by and for each one of us, individually. That’s the real path to equality we’ve been looking for, that’s the real liberation that we’ve been demanding others to create for us… and that’s something that it is very much available for each one of us in our minds, bodies and beingness, lol, it takes a decision, a will and self-movement to live it and do it though!

So, that’s the challenge here for everyone and myself, to keep an eye on ourselves within our every move and try out asking yourself whenever you are unsure of ‘what’s moving you’: who am I doing this for? What am I looking for with doing or not doing this? What’s my starting point in this that I am about to create, express, change, do, move? And from there assess potential outcomes to see if they are genuinely supportive for oneself and so for others.

Though not to get confused with ‘likes and dislikes’ either. Many times we have to do things that we may NOT like to do, but again it’s not to get lost in the outcomes of say working in a particular job where the results are not necessarily that of ‘uplifting humanity’ but it is about being the starting point in the sense of the words we can live in such situations: the discipline, the motivation/movement in itself, the dedication, the management of our emotions and reactions in such situations, the relationships with others on a daily basis, the points that we can learn about ourselves in such situations and environments where we can instead expand ourselves beyond our preferences or personalities, the kind of habits that we can assist ourselves to make certain tasks or points of responsibility the best way that we can… there’s always room for self-improvement, no matter ‘what’ we have to do for a living or how we have to ‘spend our days’ in this world – it’s about who we are inside and doing it to support us, no matter what the ‘makeup’ of the reality we live in is like, this is all about who we are within ourselves in it.

Ok, long blog but, cool reflection for myself to continue grounding this self-trust on self-movement and learning from it.

Thanks for reading

 

waterfall

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE


396. I Think, therefore I Assume

ASSumptions and Self Trust

I realized how in one single moment where I trust my mind and assumptions made in my mind in one single moment of reaction where I jumped into conclusions,  ‘linking the dots’ to assume about another’s’ words/actions, I in that moment actually miss my point of self-trust and instead go into trusting my mind. How many times have I heard: do not trust your mind which means, to not trust any form of reaction, emotion, thought that I am not directly seeing for its full implication such as:

Who am I the moment that I am assuming this point about another? Who am I within ASSuming?

Because it’s really not about another here, it’s about myself being working in my mind in such assumption-mode which is something I had taken for granted actually so it is also cool that this point emerged in such a ‘straight’ manner, where I am able to actually see how I created a rift within a relationship, but more so within myself as in that moment I was not fully here considering all the implications of me thinking/assuming about others which is then part of how we concoct conflicts ‘about others’ but really is only a conflict I create in my mind based on also an accumulation of other assumptions that I also deemed as ‘unimportant,’ not considering the accumulation that takes place when I went assuming things and instead of confronting them with the person, the point then emerged as an automated assumption to fulfill my previous ideas/beliefs about what was going on with others’ lives.

This is also a very pertinent point as I could notice it created the kind of ‘hangover’ I hadn’t experienced in a long time, when you know that you did something that could have had further consequences that I didn’t measure when jumping into these series of thoughts and so, it is also to debunk the ‘perfect world’ that I also have in my head about my relationships with others, and to realize how careful and utmost attention I require to exist as in every moment to Not judge, not go into assumption, not ‘draw conclusions’ based on what I believe/think/perceive about others.

From making such mistake and going into feeling ‘bad’ or ‘guilty’ I would only trap myself in yet another emotion to cloud the actual point to learn here and to take self responsibility for, which is how to be able to stop assumptions that stem from a moment of ‘linking the dots’ according to what in I decided ‘made sense’ based on previous points where I also assumed points about another. So, if anything what I am here to develop is self-trust in a new dimension I hadn’t considered before: being able to trust myself to be Here as breath in every moment to be very aware of any minor reaction but mostly Assumption that’s the key word here as that’s where one draws conclusions without physical proof that things are the way I am ASSuming they are/happened.

 

 

assume
n    verb
1    accept as true without proof.
2    take (responsibility or control).
3    begin to have (a quality, appearance, or extent). Adopt falsely.

 

So there’s a few points to self-forgive here:

1. Not being here in the moment when I quickly jumped into conclusions and assuming something about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume which is to accept a thought, a reaction, an experience within me as ‘true’ and as such trust my thoughts, my reactions, my experience instead of being fully present here and able to assess every single thought that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘assumption’ which is a rather unfortunately common way to quickly draw conclusions and ‘make up my mind’ about something/someone without actually proving it myself, gathering the actual information, cross referencing it, communicating with the person or in the situation I am creating any form of assumption about and as such I realize that assuming is nothing else but a fancy way to name lying/lies wherein I accept myself to concoct and fabricate a lie to myself in order to prove other lies to me which I have also created/drawn about something/someone

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever FEEL certain about ‘my assumptions’ and within this not realizing that I am placing trust into my thoughts, my Feelings, my emotions, my mind instead of first actually Stopping and looking at what am I actually doing to myself when I assume or rather create/fabricate ideas/beliefs/perceptions about something/someone  which are in essence lies in order to prove a point that I have ‘assumed’ about something/someone – which doesn’t make sense as I am relying on a self-concocted lie to then make myself ‘right’ about what I had actually also created as a judgment, a belief, a perception about something or someone previously – which means: it was all a lie that I actually made myself believe as true without measuring the consequences of how I in fact was affecting my relationship with another without openly talking about it.

 

  • 2. Not realizing that it wasn’t about me ‘not trusting’ another but rather me trusting my mind and my assumptions based on what I also had been accumulating as other assumptions which I didn’t really confront and communicated directly with the person I was assuming things about – therefore missing out the essential point of living the word frankness and being direct when it comes to rather communicating about something instead of leaving points accumulate within me as Assumptions that I didn’t communicate, which then caused me to easily jump into conclusions based on previous moments where I also jumped into conclusions/assumed and thus considered that I could not trust someone any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into conclusions and assume about the reason behind another’s actions based on what I had also assumed about others’ lives/actions/words which implies that I had already allowed my self to be assuming/be lying to myself, be making up ideas and beliefs as to why something/someone exists/does something in a certain manner which actually can only point out to myself what actually still exists within me, which I covered up with the line ‘I don’t like being lied to’ and creating a reaction of ‘feeling cheated’ in that moment, but I didn’t even realize that it was all really me creating this all within me, not realizing I created the assumptions/the lies within me in that split second based on me accumulating previous assumptions that I hadn’t actually communicated and confronted which is why it was so easy for me to just continue the assumptions because I had done it in the past and ‘let it be’ without actually scrutinizing the point myself and being critical about what is it that I am actually accepting and allowing to exist within me – which is then entirely me assuming my responsibility to my mind/my thoughts/ my experience instead of diverting it toward another, which is the way to abdicate my own responsibility to my own thoughts in the first place.

 

I realize that in the past in relationships with people I have allowed myself to keep quiet in relationships which had already lead me to relationship failures, wherein the moment I don’t actually open up and confront the point with another which is what I would like others to do onto myself, I am actually being the starting point of my own self-agreement failure as I am not being entirely self-honest to myself to First even before confronting the ‘assumption’ with another, first question my own assumption, see where I am gathering the information from, what are my foundations for it, what is the proof that I have for what I am assuming first – so that I then first ensure that I am the one that takes self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my mind and once I have cleared myself from any reaction or lies/assumptions created about another, but instead realize that I do have some points to confront and reference with others, then I simply direct myself to communicate and open it up instead of allowing these points to accumulate and kind of go ‘rotting’ in the background as this is where and how then going into further assumptions, reactions becomes more automated based on the string-of-lies and assumptions about something/someone.

Therefore I commit myself to live myself first what I would like others to do onto me too, which is to be upfront, clear, frank, directive, transparent which are words I have to first and foremost not to ‘ask’ from others, but to live these words myself within my own self-relationship with in turn then will be my relationship toward any other individual as well as who I am.

 

Here is then where I take/assume absolute responsibility wherein instead of assuming /lying to myself, drawing conclusions, making up ‘my mind’ about something or someone, I rather live the word assumption as assuming/taking the responsibility to ensure that I am first here, stable within myself and as such ensure that every word that I am creating in my mind has a clear starting point and is entirely self-directive, as I see that an accumulation of lies which I allowed to exist within me as assumptions then become a more automated form of lying which I didn’t question within me first, and so then actually exists as a point of abuse toward others coming from me within creating an experience of distrust or assuming ‘I am being lied to’ without realizing that the actual lie, the actual problem exists within me as an assumption in itself where I lie to myself about what I believe/think/perceive about another which is actually entirely existent in my own mind –therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a form of righteousness whenever I had assumed things wherein I then trust my lies/my mind going into assumption about things/people without actually investigating the point for myself, without actually rather confronting any misunderstanding with another through communication as I see and realize that if I apparently ‘don’t like lies/don’t like to lie’ which is one of the points I have placed within me as ‘virtue’ – without seeing that in fact this is just another form of ‘honesty’ card as the ‘system honesty’ because I missed the actual SELF-Honesty which is first questioning the validity, the substance and how acceptable my own thoughts and reactions are in my own mind, which is the first point of self-honesty missed when believing that ‘I am being lied to’ as this thought already implies I am actually the one lying to myself by hearing/placing trust in a thought that I have created in absolute irresponsibility, which means I didn’t assume my responsibility upon my own thought-creation that lead to assumptions about something/someone.

 

 

  • 3. I haven’t realized that this is really not about being able to trust another, but rather how I didn’t live self-trust fully to instead of assuming/jumping into conclusions in My mind to instead rather communicate it, to create an agreement of communication which will ensure that any relationships with others will be then like a fish tank: fully visible as there is nothing to hide, no backchats created as that is what creates the fracturing of any relationship, and within my self-agreement I have committed myself to be able to have transparent, integral relationships with every individual, which means having no secrets, no hidden agendas toward one another, no judgment, no backchat, no emotion or assumptions about others.

 

Missed Breaths 08

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually realize that I cannot ‘lose trust on another’ as there is really no ‘another’ but myself that creates such distrust by trusting my own mind, my own assumptions, my own beliefs which I have righteously created upon not actually communicating and opening up points that I’ve looked at but didn’t communicate, which is how one goes festering ‘little points’ over time which become yet more lies and more ‘reasons’ to assume/believe things about myself/others which is entirely existent in my own mind and as such, it is myself that has to ensure that I can instead trust myself  – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust myself whenever I am assuming, whenever I am reacting, whenever I am creating doubt/uncertainty/reactions toward another which I am not directly referencing Within and for myself first to see the validity of my thoughts, my experiences and if I then have sufficient proof, reason, foundation for what I am considering is something to point out in a relationship with another, then I pull up my socks and confront the situation as I realize that it is actually quite dishonest to not open up points as they come up, as these points then go accumulating and creating further unspoken assumptions/reactions which certainly creates a rift within my self and from myself toward others, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in fact able to communicate and be open about any point or situation that I see emerged within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eve fear confronting something or someone about my own assumptions which is rather a self-sabotage point because by confronting my own assumptions then the lies would be able to be spotted easier –but, the moment ‘I keep quiet’ that’s when the same pattern repeats: I don’t speak, further assumptions are created and so I create and give energy/attention to lies, to assumptions instead of immediately opening the point up and communicating about it.

 

Most importantly I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-trust fully as I realize now how whenever I am assuming I cannot and I am not in fact living self-trust because I am thinking/assuming/linking dots based on what I read/ get to know or perceive which is entirely subjective and self-created upon premises that I have also defined in a certain manner so that it fits ‘my assumption’ which is then entirely self-deceptive first and foremost.

 

When and as I see myself jumping into conclusions, assuming what’s going on with something/someone I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am back into physical reality and focus on myself, questioning what is it exactly that I am accepting and allowing to exist within me toward myself and toward others? And within this simply stop continuing assuming and instead, rather immediately referencing the point instead of allowing it to ‘pass’ because I see that allowing things to ‘pass’ it’s actually just an allowance of having points remain undirected, unsolved, which is another way of saying: I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions, assumptions beliefs about something/someone in one moment, which is what creates the problem in the first place: when I allow lies/assumptions to exist within me and go ‘unnoticed’ and neglecting the responsibility I have to every single thought, movement, experience that I have in my mind and that No thought, no reaction, no experience can be righteous or justified.

When and as I see myself once again ever going into the backchat ‘I don’t like being lied to’ – I stop and I breathe – And I bring myself HERE to realize that I am the one lying to myself first by being self-dishonest and being creating a reaction upon my own thoughts and so, instead focus on looking at the point objectively so that I can then see what do I need to cross reference in order to ensure I am not assuming, and so confront the point or situation in the moment.

I see and realize that I have to practice that ability to be more directive in the moment which means not allowing something to ‘go by’ and allow it to just ‘pass’ as this is me not taking responsibility for what I created in my mind.

 

Therefore I commit myself to actually develop first self-trust wherein I am able to ensure that every single thought I have I can be certain it is self-directive and that I am fully here as I utilize my mind constructively to direct myself, to clarify situations, to open up and cross-reference with others, as that is then the way wherein I can ensure that I can trust myself in relationship to others which means: I can trust myself that I won’t create lies/assumptions about something/someone – but instead focus on investigating, taking/assuming responsibility to myself, my mind, my reactions and so within this, it will invariably and by default will also be easier to confront/expose/open up a point with others as I am then having the openness lived by myself first, which is the self-agreement at all times, to not see ‘others’ as the problem but always self, always taking the point back to myself.

 

I commit myself to ensure that I remain clear and stable no matter what, no matter how even something that I believe is a problem exists in reality, as we do live in a reality where things are not ‘easy’ or ‘smooth ‘ or ‘without problems’ because this entire world, our relationships and our lack of self-responsibility to our own minds is what has created the nature of a problematic world – therefore, instead of seeing this as a ‘big point’ I realize that I have to instead use this as a flag point to become aware of any other moment where I see myself assuming things about something/someone, quiet myself in that moment and focus on MYSELF and stopping lying/ deceiving and being self-dishonest within me accepting and allowing such assumptions/backchat about something/someone and instead focus on seeing the point and then looking how I am going to direct it, assuming my responsibility to my words, my mind, my actions and inactions.

 

I commit myself to also not continue ‘bashing’ myself for committing this mistake of assuming a lot about something/someone as that guilt/remorse is only an experience that also prevent us from directly spotting the responsibility within it all, so I instead focus on my responsibility to every word, every reaction I create and rather focus on preventing/stopping any reaction from existing within me in any given moment wherein I observe something/someone and go into believing that ‘I know’ why something/someone happens/does something as this is entirely self-referential which means: it has nothing to do ‘with others’ but rather upon myself and what I do or don’t do.

 

 

Pointing back at me

 

Interviews:

 

To Develop Self-Honesty and Learn how to live a Self-Agreement to be able to Trust ourselves, investigate:

234. Feeling Weak Today?

Are Feel-Ill-ings Self Manipulation?

Continuing from:

Where have we gotten this idea of ‘having to project strength and security’ in the first place as a means to ‘be presentable’ in this world? It’s the same point as: who taught us to feel good about ‘doing good’ things? It is certainly through the indoctrination received from generation to generation through parents as we get ‘suited’ and ‘loaded’ to face the war zone that our reality as the world system has become. Presenting ourselves thus as the best suited in physical appearance, mental skills, social traits, virtues and any other charismatic trait assures you – or may I say ‘assured you’ – a place in the system that would regard you as special and unique for representing the ‘Ideal Persona’ that everyone wanted to be.

I got to live this from a certain perspective and I will walk this by all means to not obviously puff up my own ego-preprogrammed self-image, but to absolutely debunk it within the consideration of how the opposite of what I had to play was always a point of discomfort within me, which is not usually considered when the majority is the one ‘not getting anything right’ and there’s only a minority that ‘do everything right’ – but all of this right and wrong obviously based only within the context of this system that was settled to only function this way: only a few will obtain the grace of god as all the best positions in the world system, while the majority have to strive for that. This does not mean though that I actually ‘made it,’ I simply got to try out and live out what would be placed as an example for others, which became more than unsustainable, worrying, tiresome and obnoxious to say the least. This was also part of the character, which is why I lead myself to ‘spite the world’ which was only spiting myself, ending up eventually not following through any of the expectations that I had lead myself within, which is just as it should be, as all the past expectations were based within my past-mind set of Who I Believed Myself to Be = Not actually real, but only a literally frothed idea of myself that I knew was fake all along, but felt ‘nice’ to play it for a while – due to all the benefits and the props you get, blatantly saying ‘Ok I’ll take the heat for a while, it’s cool, I like it’ and neglecting reality for all the abuse that stems from accepting a single idea of ‘superiority’ in this world, no matter where, how or why.

 

This is how debunking oneself implies looking at the personality creation model based on this ‘strength’ point that I began discussing in my last post and then follow through to what I can see, became my own ‘survival of the fittest’ and how from that single stand point, anything and anyone becomes a point to guard/ oppose, support/ antagonize, want/ fear losing and as such, continue the same inner-conflict and battles to keep us having ‘inner conflicts’ about ‘who we are’ and so on, when everything that we already are is here as physical beings – lol, how could be so conflictive about ‘the who I am’ question if we are already HERE. ‘Who’ Is a being – any other configuration would only reinstall the same past-characters configured within and as the same system of abuse. Do we want to ‘stick to our guns’ then? No thank you, I am not willing to participate in anything that recreates a system of separation, differentiation through the imposition of fake values that are meant to sell life, not live it and honor it in Equality.

 

Here I go with the first part on ‘strength’

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

 

  • Memory that pops up:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this idea of strength from the moment that I had to leave my parents in kindergarten the first day of school, and I saw all children crying and I simply ‘played the strong one’ as ‘the only one that didn’t cry’ and in this, marking what I would become throughout my school years: standing ‘above’ in my mind from the rest while at the same time, suppressing all the fears and anxiety experienced because of having to ‘stick to my guns’ of presenting such strength and self stability no matter what, hiding from others the turmoil experienced within me throughout my first school years, due to having to be sustaining/ maintaining this idea of self as ‘strong’ and ‘superior’ which I realize was only an energetic self-experience of Strength based on the survival of the fittest acquired mechanisms in the school system, learning to be ‘on top’ all the time but at the same ending up fearing losing such privileged position.

When and as I see myself fearing exposing a lack of ‘strength’ as this idea that I created of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that all the strength that I am is a self-movement that is not energy based or self-idea as the ego-past personality that I’ve been, but a single consideration that I have the necessary nutrients and money to survive, to keep my physical body ‘alive’ and that this is my actual strength as all the power that we have exists in every single breath – thus

 

  • Fear:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this belief and self idea of strength stemming from actual fear of being abused or violated in any way which implies that all strength lived as a concept of ‘who I am’ was based on fear and as a safety/ protection mechanism as an energetic experience of superiority, never considering who I am as a physical being that does not require to ‘think strong’ in order to move and direct myself in every breath and regard this ability to do it as the actual physical strength that exists equally in all.

When and as I see myself believing and thinking that I lack strength/ I am not that strong today/ I feel weak/ someone stronger than me can do it – I stop and I breathe and realize my ability to move as that single breath in the physical which is where strength exists

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of strength a concept as a self-experience of being invincible and acting as an ‘I can do it all’ character in my mind,  that in no way considers the actual reality and physicality that I am, but only an idea of myself that represented a point of perceived superiority when compared to others, and within this believing that stepping down from such self-created belief of who I am as ‘strength’ would actually mean or imply a weakness, playing the same polarity that I learned to obey without any further questions and simply keeping this ‘ideal’ in my mind but never equated it to physical reality.

I realize that I would also go into ‘feeling bad’ for those that had it tough throughout school, but not doing anything either to question why only some people could be ‘on top’ and the majority was ‘below’ the high-ranks of what a ‘good student’ should be, which is a point that I linked to strength, separating myself from strength as my physicality as every breath.

When and as I see myself believing that stopping playing ‘strong’ means a ‘weakness’ and actually playing out the ‘weakness’ as who I am  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just me complying to my self created beliefs and personalities going from positive to negative and back again, without realizing that who I really am is not defined by being strong or superior, nor weak or inferior – but physically here as everyone else wherein all our power and strength is able to be lived in every moment of breath – thus I stick to my commitment of living physically here as the strength that allows me to move, communicate, live and essentially Be a living being.

 

    • Self Belief:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I could be ‘strong’ for certain activities/ duties but ‘weak’ for others, and in this, always defining myself ‘liking’ to do what I perceived myself to be strong for, while evading and avoiding anything else that I believed myself to be incapable of living out – due to my own limitations – wherein I realize that I was the only one that followed my own protocol of what I was supposed to do and contain myself within such bubble of being ‘good’ and ‘strong’ for some activities and be ‘weak’/ not good enough for others.

 

I realize that we have all contributed to this separation of ourselves as the physical within definitions of pros and cons, believing that we would Never be able to be a sound-being because that was always portrayed as something ‘beyond’ our capability. Which is How I came to react to words like perfectionism or being extremely effective, wherein I separated myself from such words believing that they were too elusive for me to ever be able to embody.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even within the idea/ belief of ‘strength’ placed on apparent intellectual abilities, I feared losing such strength and defined myself by lacking strength in other areas in my life, which proves that no matter ‘how’ I perceived myself to be within one area of my life as ‘the best,’ I continued with the ‘inherent flawed’ inner conflict within other aspects of myself such as lacking physical strength or lacking abilities to relate myself to many people –as I thought I had to do – or the perfect image presentation that I pursued in my mind for the purpose of satisfying the relationship stereotype that I believed I wanted – and all of this, creating a massive inner conflict that lead me nowhere but believing that the was actually ‘something wrong’ with me, which is what we have all blatantly accepted and allowed of ourselves as ‘who we are’ without a question.

 

I realize that this is unacceptable since every single self-acceptance of self-diminishment as being ‘weak’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘not good enough’ is recreating and reinstalling the same patterns of self abuse that we have collectively supported as ‘who we are’ within this world system where life has never been considered equal, but only diminished ourselves to these limited ‘models’ that could be sold according to some traits and skills that can be useful for further profiting schemes – therefore, there has never been an actual role model promoted in our society that considers life in equality which is why we are here as Destonians to be and become the example of what it is to equalize ourselves as physical beings, stopping all delusions of lack as experiences in the mind and focus on solving the physical problems in reality of actual Lack which is for example, lacking food to eat, lacking water to drink and have proper hygiene, lacking vocabulary and basic skills to live, lacking parental support, lacking compassion for others to place ourselves in the shoes of those that actually Lack money simply to make it in this world, that lack a place to live and as such, their weakness is real as thin bodies that lack nutrients to survive – that is real weakness that exists as a result of our mind-delusions seeking ‘strength’ as ‘power’ and ‘superiority’ while missing out the physicality and reality of what is here wherein we are simply not regarding each other as equals – and that in itself, is already showing to what extent any possible ‘positive trait’ can only be founded upon abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an idea of strength as a way to perpetuate what I believe I must ‘hold on to’ as an idea of myself within this system, wherein I had played the role of the ‘role model’ in certain aspects which became unsustainable and a point of inner conflict because of realizing that it was only based upon fake values within a system that was only imposed and followed and bought– therefore, actually not being able to ‘follow through’ with the lie of myself as such character – which is how everything has to ‘fall down’ and just like the tower that must be debunked – all must go before the new can emerge – thus I realize that I cannot hold on to any single ‘trait’ that I had as an Idea of myself that was not yet integrated as the physicality as who I am.

This does not mean now denying or opposing or avoiding ‘strength’ or anything like that, this only means aligning myself to a physical consideration of strength that is not an Effort – and this I worked actually in my Desteni I Process and remember very well how I had written the word ‘effort’ and my buddy said to change the effort word for Physical ability as the movement required to move things/ direct things in a specific direction/ outcome.

We can see how it is an ability that is ‘available’ for all as part of our self-movement – it is not then based on energy, which means, it cannot exist as an Idea of myself based on past experiences such as ‘keeping up to my ground’ and being ‘courageous’ but mostly out of fear – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I can do it, I can do it all’ placing an overload within myself to believe that I could ‘take it all’ and come out ‘victorious’ as I had always done throughout my life, wherein no matter what I would always ‘make it,’ which is something that I took for granted and actually became detrimental to understand what real effort is and implies, specifically once that you are no longer in a ranking system such as school where you can be praised for having some preprogrammed wits, but when it comes to physical reality none of that is of actual substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project strength as something ‘superior’ than myself and as such ‘live up to it’ through utilizing energy as self-talk and self-definitions instead of regarding the physicality of myself as that constant and continuous realization of strength as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself believing that ‘I can do it all’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a self-positive-talk based on past patterns wherein I would always be able to ‘make it’ – or at least that’s the belief that I guarded as myself – and instead realize that there is no such platform for me to always ‘have it easy’ and as such, real effort, real self direction is required. And this is where any Idea of myself as ‘strong’ must be debunked in order to establish a real physical consideration of strength as breath, here, physically.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I am not strong enough to go through that’ or ‘I don’t feel strong today/ I feel weak’ wherein I am accepting and allowing energy to direct me instead of me realizing that all strength is existent here as breath as the physical.

 

When and as I see myself self-talking myself about being ‘weak’ or not being ‘strong enough today,’ I stop and I breathe – I stand up and physically ground myself to realize that all ideas of ‘weakness’ are only energetic leeches I’ve fed in my own mind and as such, ground myself as the physical breathing and understanding such breath as my actual strength in every moment.

 

  • Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in discomfort and general haziness whenever I am not fully here as the physical strength of breath and as such, reacting within ‘giving up’ modes which can only exist due to having the time and ability to ‘give up’ because I am not in a survival mode – which implies one thing: Giving up is only an elitist act of self indulgence wherein I realize that people working 18 hours a day give up committing suicide due to lacking actual strength to keep going due to being malnourished and lacking any actual self-motivation to live, as how can that be a ‘life’ when living as a slave –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in ‘weakness’ and ‘powerlessness’ while taking for granted everything that I have as an actual platform for me to move and be consistent her as breath, as the physical strength that I really am.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in ‘powerlessness’ and ‘hopelessness’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this experience I am only fueling energy as the result of the friction and conflict in my mind. Thus I direct myself to Stop all self diminishing within the understanding that I am only propitiating a continuation of an inner cycle in my mind as an energetic experience of ups and downs, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to realize and bring myself back to Earth to be aware of the opportunity I have, the time available, the physical integrity that I exist as in order to move myself to my fullest potential that is nothing elusive or separate from me, but a point I commit myself to realize and integrate as a constant living realization of who I really am in the physical.

 

 

  • Physical Dimension:
    • Positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play strong’ as in walking with more tension in my physical body in a self-conscious manner projected toward others as a sense of superiority/ strength, which proves that while being alone I don’t require to play these characters but it only exists as a personality created toward ‘others’ as general people in my environment when stepping into the world  – so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words that I have defined as strength, as a way to ‘keep my stance’ which comes through as a sense of imposition or intolerance – this means that whenever I am not fully clear as myself when writing, I project this idea of strength through energy instead of directing myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself ‘playing strong’ around others through standing very straight But with a tension in my body – not breathing properly but being self-conscious in the mind toward others – I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to go back to that fluidity and comfort that I realize I am able to exist as whenever I am physically here moving and walking, which is what actually being here is about – any tension experienced, I flag point it, look at my thinking, what did I see, what came up from ‘nowhere’ in the mind, what did I hear, what did I remember –  as these are all basic points that can lead me to change my stance and physical beingness here in one moment – thus

I commit myself to be breathing and fully aware of the least physical change as a slight tension wherein I play out the ‘strength’ character out of fearing facing something-someone – and as such, take responsibility for it through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to write something that sounds ‘strong’ in order to impose a sense of authority through energy as I write it, I stop and I breathe – this is where I have to give myself a moment to not rush into this protection mechanism of portraying ‘strength’ through words, but instead, allow myself to asses the situation and come back to it after a few breaths or moving around to see the point for what It is and give it direction while being stable- here as breath. This is to ensure that all that I speak is actually physically here and not just a quick mechanism to protect myself or others from what I perceive as an attack to which I have to ‘defend myself’ from.

 

I realize that I can only play the game of wanting to ‘defend’ myself if I regard my own self as something that can be ‘abused’ or ‘violated’ or ‘brought down’ by words that others may express toward myself or others. Thus I commit myself to realize the words strength as the ability to move and be directive as who I am and exist as in physicality, not a concept.

 

I also realize that there is no real ‘positive physical experience’ as it is stemming from blatant fear to present this sense of superiority and ‘togetherness’ in physical presentation.

 

    • negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slouch and have eyes all droopy-down whenever I feel weak and get to a point of even creating an experience of actual muscular weakness sensation wherein I simply don’t want to move because of believing that ‘I am not strong enough today,’ without realizing the level of abuse and self manipulation that exists within this, only to victimize ourselves to not be readily here every moment in a sound state that is always here whenever we stick to physicality.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing any form of energetic ‘weakness’ as a perceived ‘lack of strength’ – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself to the actual living strength of myself here as breath, as the physical and move. Breathe out the experience until I am aware that my eyes are no longer ‘down/ droopy’ and I am not deliberately slouching as a way to send a signal ‘I feel like shit today’ which is not acceptable as that is an indication of clear mind possession.

 

I commit myself to stop all mind possessions the moment that I start experiencing a ‘weakness’ energetic experience, which usually leads to a ‘giving up’ in the moment. I assist and support myself to stick to physicality and breath as the actual power and strength I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out this ‘ideal’ of strength based on knowledge and information linked to ‘intelligence’ within what is currently understood as intelligence, responsibility and ‘courage’ which was all stemming from being defense mechanisms and preprogrammed traits that I believed was in fact ‘who I am,’ without realizing that any self definition existent as knowledge and information at a mind level are not sustainable/ are not real as the physical thus

I commit myself to live the definition of strength as the physical ability to move and direct myself to a defined direction/ outcome/ to do that which I propose myself to do and be here as breath as the only and actual ‘fuel’ that I require to continue and do it.

 

I realize that the ‘roots’ that I had as ‘strength’ were not real, since they were based upon a self-belief of ‘who I am’ within the world-system as the values I perceived myself to be/ have which in no way stood in alignment to the physicality of who I really am as equal as everyone, as the actual strength that is an ability and capability within all equally.

 

I realize that any belief of ‘lacking strength’/ not being strong enough is actually self-manipulation to not actually just ‘do it’ and step out of the inner turmoil of mind-fixes as energetic experiences that in no way mean an actual self-realization of the physicality that is constantly here as breath, as the real power that we all are and exist as.

 

Directing such strength as a diligent self movement is the commitment, so that no ‘wavering’ occur and if it does occur, I immediately investigate it without leaving further ‘space’ to ‘try and find it out later’ – as that is what only keeps a point of suppression leading to further consequences in the mind and in my physical reality as in ‘not moving’ effectively.

 

 

Further self-exploration writing:

2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

 

To Be Continued

 

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process

Equal Money System

Journey To Life Blogs

Floating around

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Vlog:


Day 45: Rejoice when Others Fall

How come we haven’t asked ourselves: why do we enjoy and rejoice in seeing others fall?

What’s with our human nature wherein we expect others to fall, in the first place – being waiting for the moment when someone will finally give up and quit whatever point they had committed themselves to and get a ‘good feeling’ out of it, even if you are only an outside spectator of it all. And there’s the other side of the coin when we  as the ‘expected to fall’ individual actually create such ‘fall’ by accepted and allowed thoughts wherein we believe ourselves to be in a quandary, not knowing how to follow, what to do because of having ‘all eyes on you’ = in essence, listening to our voices in the head, the mind as thoughts which will always look for its own ways to continue creating conflict and perpetuating fear.

 

Conflict creates further uncertainty as the experience of ‘fearing to fall,’ which translates to a general unstable experience of ‘losing one’s ground.’  It’s like taking a thread of yarn and knitting it: one single thread suddenly becomes this thick patterned conglomeration that is no longer simple single thread: it becomes something ‘bigger’ – apparently – yet it is still a thread – it would only take walking backwards that knitting until the thread can go back to be rolled up into the one ball of yarn again. Is the knitting more special or more important than the single thread of yarn coming out of the yarn ball? Point to ponder for how we see – reality and how we add ‘value’ to matter according to the work that’s been put to it.

 

From the observer’s perspective, as this single thread gets knitted into being ‘more’ and becoming more intricate and with no apparent way out of it: we are only expecting for the moment for such thread to continue getting further into the maze and have no support to ‘come back’ to the single-thread it was, and instead of anyone caring to say: ‘hey, you are making a mess/maze of yourself, you are over-complicating yourself, it’s the other way around,’ we remain idle even when and while looking at the obvious consequences that can pull anyone to a deep end if there is no support available to make another realize: you are going the wrong way! – where is our neighborism when realizing someone is about to ‘hit the ground’ and not do anything to let them know about it? Careless-ness and actual expectation of seeing another fall to make ourselves ‘better’ by being the ones that ‘remain standing.’ This is what adds up to the mess that we believe some one else ‘staged’ for us – really? Let’s just ask ourselves: who are we within such constant expectation and secret mind desire of seeing someone falling, someone losing, someone being kicked out of some place?

 

Yes, evil in the possession of our very own unconditional flesh. Have a look at entertainment where any form of competition is made a TV reality show and the audience eventually gets more excited about seeing who will lose than who wins or develop and better themselves. We seek tragedy, we like seeing people suffer and be able to judge that from a ‘good standing position.’ Spitefulness toward life that is, carelessness, selfishness as the desire to remain ‘over others,’ wherein we secretly think: great, one mouth less to feed/ one less to fight against in this competition of a dog-eat-dog world.

 

See how far we’ve driven ourselves wherein instead of caring to promote an answer to the problems in this world that WE created, as to point out why and how we are all co-‘manifestators’ of this reality,  we prefer to spread separation and retaliation even further with no solution at all – and no public opinion is prepared to actually carry enough understanding to propitiate actual education about the functioning of our world/ reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience within me as ‘being powerful/ being more than others’ when seeing others fall/ lose/ get lost as this implies that they are ‘les capable/ able/ stable/ committed/ prepared/ enthusiastic/ hard working’ than me – which is then implying that I am seeing everyone as a potential competitor that I must ‘beat’ in order to feel at ease and feel like being ‘winning’ all the time, which is the experience that comes through blame, spite and abuse toward others in other for me to prevail and remain ‘standing’ in contrast to others, which means that I have reduced myself, my life to being only a comparative conglomeration of knowledge and information that has defined its ‘beingness’ according to others’ as reference point, instead of me being my own reference point as to what it is to stand in Self Honesty where our own thoughts, words and deeds demonstrate our own commitment to life – and allow such thoughts, thoughts and deeds to reveal the ‘true nature’ of what we are accepting and allowing ourselves to exist as the mind only, which means that any form of experience gotten from seeing/ realizing how others are living their own lives is simply spitefulness as the ego seeking to get its positive-energy fix in order to remain within the self-created idea of ‘winning.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of expecting someone to fall in order to prove ‘my point’ which is always that of diminishing others to a single pattern of self-defeatism and preprogrammed flaws wherein I have become the very perpetrator and equal abuse when participating in such hideous backchat that is at all times, seeking to win no matter what, seeking to ‘remain on top’ and ‘beat any enemy,’ which means that I have made of myself my own greatest enemy as I am only competing against myself and expecting myself to fall, which implies that the starting point of my beingness is not here as self equal and one – moment by moment – standing a self-willed, but compromised to being defined according to others and using others as a measurable point to see ‘who I am,’ which is absolute self-deception and self-sabotage as there is nothing and no-one I am actually directing such thoughtful experience of ‘expecting others to fall’ but toward myself only.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘who I am’ is able to fall and lose any form of actuals substance in that, wherein all that can be ‘lost’ is the idea that I’ve kept of myself and others in my mind, wherein self-determination in every moment of breath to be here cannot be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ – I realize that I have lived a life wherein a thread of yarn is seen as ‘less than’ an entire sweater, even if the physicality of it is the same, I have placed more value onto the ‘over-wrought’ idea of who I am, while neglecting the fact that the only physicality of it is a single thread of yarn. Within this I realize that I have participated in the value-system that separates life into energy that can be either positive, negative or neutral according always seeking to be ‘the best/ the unbeatable’ as that ultimate positive experience that can only stem from this initial point of conflict as the separation accepted and allowed toward others, and seeing ‘others’ as separate from self, which is only the mind’s ego asserting its specialness in the name of self-glorification as the illusion of ‘winning.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe and be conditioned by the thought ‘all eyes are on me’ wherein I allow myself to compromise myself, my own standing here as it being ‘something’ for others, instead of realizing that with me standing in self-trust and supporting me in the most optimum way, I am simply able to expand that point of support for others in equality, wherein there is no special-generation of satisfaction ‘toward’ others, but remain self-honest in supporting me and share as to extend that same realization in equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to victimize me within thinking that ‘all eyes are expecting me to fall’ wherein I eventually would retreat and ‘get away’ from the spotlight because of believing that ‘I was not able to keep up with it,’ and in that sabotaging myself by having actually heard the voices in my head that were constantly threatening me/ me threatening myself to exist in constant fear, anxiety and paranoia of not being able to follow my schedules, routine and doing things ‘my way,’ wherein I instead allow me to go to the extreme opposite of apparently ‘not caring/ being careless’ which is just a mind’s justification to make my own insecurity, my own self doubt as an experience that was triggered ‘by others’ instead of taking self-responsibility for my own creation at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of ‘falling’ and projecting that onto others when ‘expecting others to fall’ in order to only prove ‘who I am’ as being ‘always right/ being self righteous’ which allows me to then feel better/ more than/ positive about ‘me remaining standing’ which means that any form of competition, rivalry, comparison is just another ingrained aspect of our human behavior in order to survive and participate in the survival of the fittest to make sure that we ‘make our space’ in the dog eat world, wherein we are taught from a very early age that we will be competing and striving to ‘make a living’ for an entire lifetime, without realizing that if we are able to give this to ourselves unconditionally, our entire starting point of human relationships will change as there will be no more energetic dependence as money, actual resources and competition of ideas of self, as all will have an ability to live in dignity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the value-system imposed onto life, wherein I am able to compare myself against others, without realizing that each one’s lives are determined by specific aspects/ contexts that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ in two beings – therefore I realize that any thought related to a positive or negative polarity projected onto another, is simply me as ego, as personality seeking to survive and thrive upon bashing/ diminishing/ proving others wrongs as a way to prove ‘to others’ and myself that ‘I am better/ I can adapt quicker’ which implies that I have reduced my beingness, the physicality of who I am to a single idea that competes and opposes others for the sake of creating enough friction/ conflict in spite, blame and justification in order for me to be able to say: ‘I told you so, I was right’ which is just another egotistical confirmation that ‘I am my mind only’ which is the very brick of self-abuse that must be stopped at all times within myself, and stop projecting such ideas upon others in a constant manner as to be able to ‘have things working my way’ instead of always considering what is best for all life to live and stand as, wherein all beings are equally committed to develop themselves to their utmost potential and no more accept and allow seeds of anger, blame, retaliation and competition to exist.

 

I realize that within me being the point that stops ‘thinking’ about myself as an ‘ideal’ to uphold in relation to others, this point of survivalism as constant competition ends.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to perpetuate this monetary system that exists as imposed values onto ourselves/ who we are as one and equal in the name of our personal positive experience wherein our very nature is revealed as that of spite, abuse and constant competition in order for me to obtain my glory, attention and deification of who I am as personality/ energy/ ego as the mind through values that are translated into being successful/ surviving in this system wherein life is neglected and all that remains is money for one’s own personal power and glorification.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself t deny support to another just because of wanting to ‘see them fall’ and get my positive experience out of it, which is plain evil yet this is how the mind actually operates wherein we would rather see someone hanging from a cliff and get a kick out of it instead of unconditionally moving ourselves as equals wherein such extreme would not even exist as we would prevent at all times another from even getting close to the cliff, as I realize that the only one that I am spiting, abusing and excusing is myself as my own ego – thus, at all times when and I see myself waiting to see someone fall, I realize that I am only exerting the evil nature that I am here to correct, in the name of who we are as one and equal wherein all ego, all desires to win and be ‘above others’ is stopped at the very insinuation that implies seeing another fall for our own benefit and ‘position,’ rather than unconditionally supporting to walk as equals and realize that anything that leads us to ‘fall’ is self-created at a mind level = it is not who we really are and are able to stop, self forgive, correct it and make sure we do not allow ourselves to be defeated by our own participation in the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that we were born to compete and strive to get ‘the most of the cake’ within this world, wherein the ‘fall’ from another would signify one more chance for me to ‘make it’ and ‘be on top’ and ‘be the winner,’ which is only the consequence and outflow of our current monetary system that is implying that we cannot possibly exist as equals as that would imply the very death of our ideal of specialness, superiority, power and control over others, which is precisely what must be stopped in order for life in equality to be established as a living principle at all times toward all living beings in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see competition as a form of entertainment wherein I haven’t realized that I actually enjoy and get a positive experience out of seeing someone fall and get kicked-out/ lose as a way to vicariously experience the triumph in an imaginary way which is what the media’s purpose is about: generating experiences within the mind at the safety of your own couch.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that who I am in this very desire of seeing someone fall is the absolute possession of evil as the evil nature of my own mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, wherein all that mattered is my own survival as ‘the winner’ as the one that is ‘always right’ and in this, seeing another’s fall as another triumph of my own expectations and prejudices toward others being ‘confirmed’ as ‘real,’ because of deeming the mind as something predictable and people as predictable patterns, without realizing that I am obviously within them mind also a predictable pattern that is only seeking to continue existing as that ‘self-righteous winner’ personality at the expense of the suffering and discomfort and actual disgrace that any fall may entail within a being’s life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the fall/ the death of someone as ‘more space for me’ within the world, which is implying the ultimate self interest wherein I create only a mind relationship toward those that ‘fall’ and ‘who I am’ as one and equal is nowhere to be found, otherwise I would realize that only one that I have been spiting and separating myself from is: myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consume myself within having constant thoughts of competition, rivalry, jealousy toward others wherein I am only ‘expecting them to fall’ so that I can finally get over with the constant conflict and be ‘alright’ again, ‘safe’ in my mind-throne, instead of realizing that I am able to stand as equal to anyone in this reality without having to create any form of rivalry, as this is only indicating that myself as the ego of the mind is wanting to exert its influence and abuse over life, which is unacceptable and I realize that it is in my hands and will the ability to stop this and any other form of separation that emerges and originates at  a through level – therefore

 

When and as I see myself participating in the very initial thoughts of comparison, jealousy, competition,  judgment toward others’ words, deeds, actions and already implying that they are ‘wrong’ and ‘I do it better,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this pattern leads to the self-righteous spiteful act of rejoicing when others fall, which is part of the building blocks of this current monetary system that is standing as the image and likeness of who we are as survivors, as constant opponents that only seek to ‘win’ to ‘thrive’ in this world, while neglecting the actual oneness and equality of life that we actually exist as. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a world wherein the reflection of y own desire to survive, win, be on top and in control of all is manifested as public opinion wherein rejoicing in another’s fall is a usual way of ‘having fun’ and gaining some power over others within our minds by the ability to laugh at their mistakes, falls and personal life problems – which is what political gossip, entertainment industries and any other form of media thrives upon. This implies that I have created an entire industry out of my own evil nature that is seeking to see others fall, ridicule themselves, make mistakes, reveal their ‘true nature’ – while ignoring that the only ‘true nature’ is the one that is able to pay for/ buy/ consume such type of entertainment as a way to make ourselves feel ‘good’ for a moment in the safety of our own room.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to proliferate an industry based on sensationalism wherein the reader is voyeuristically entertaining themselves through the stories/ images that depict the fall, the ridicule, the abject depiction of reality and create a ‘good experience’ of it by deeming it as entertainment, which is and has become one of the most profitable and abusive industries within entertainment, which reveals what makes the masses content is seeing another fall/ fail and ridicule themselves which proves that: this world is the undeniable creation of every single thought, backchat, spitefulness, judgment, comparison and competition that we form as Added Values to a reality that is simply physical and that should Not be subject of any form of lucre – yet it exists as a lucrative business due to the nature that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as. Therefore, all abuse begins and ends with ourselves.

 

I commit myself to stop all forms of thinking/ backchatting in relation to expecting others to fall in order to prove myself ‘right’ and feel good about it, as I realize that this is the very nature of a system that we have accepted and allowed as ‘who we are’ which is promoting the principle of divide and conquer as the way to perpetuate the illusion of power and control over others – I realize that it is only through each one of us committing ourselves to stop as this constant projection of self-interest as the desire to always  win, be on top, be powerful and  in control of others that we can establish an equal and one relationship from the realization that who we are as physical beings can coexist in  equality without requiring to fight against each other to live – within this

 

I commit myself to create and establish a world system wherein Life is the only value that exists wherein no more survivalism will perpetuate the constant strive to live, fight to be ‘on top’ and exist in any form of self-righteous ‘power over others,’ as this will be proven to be the illusion and delusion of our mind as ‘our nature’ that sought to be always ‘more’ than who and what we already are as one and equal. This implies that reality as a living-physicality does not require to fight against each other to thrive, it is only the mind that seeks constant conflict in order to gain the most energy from it to continue existing and perpetuating itself as the occupier of this physical reality – which only implies that I commit myself to give myself back to myself all the relationships of separation that I have created as my mind, as the nature of ‘who I am’ as the result of the initial separation that I chose to ‘live’ within my exertion of self-righteousness over matter, over the physical – of which the consequences are now being visibly realized by all participants in this world.

 

I commit myself to reveal how it is that it is absolutely possible to exist as equals the moment that all forms of separation is stopped within our own minds, which implies that I walk the process to first stop me as my own backchat and participation in any form of comparison and projected superiority/ inferiority toward others in order to be able to stand in equality with other human beings walking the same process in order to finally stand as the new human nature that we all want to be and exist as, once that we have freed ourselves from our own cage that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as in/ as our own minds.

 

I commit myself to expose the evil nature of our beingness that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become that rejoices in seeing others fall, in ridiculing and mocking others in the name of personal power wherein the only statement that is being presented is ‘I only feel good about myself when seeing others’ misery within falling’  and exposing the great profit that such vicarious entertainment is generating in this world, which proves that we would rather enjoy seeing others’ misery than walking a process to stop such evil nature and dare ourselves to become the point that stops any form of abuse toward another in the name of ‘personal power’ that can only exist as a form of abuse using the very life that keeps us breathing/ alive in the name of a mindfuck that gives a temporary kick as pleasure, as an addiction that we have all been consumed with/ and gotten money from.

 

I realize that the mind is able to be re-programmed, re-educated in order to serve life, serve all as equals wherein we act, speak and do that which is at all times considering life in equality – who am I as one and equal, which implies that there is no way to further continue our own separation if we are only directing ourselves according to the physical reality that is here to work with in tangible and physical matters that pertain all in this reality.

Thus, to stop the con-fusion and self-doubt that is experienced within a world wherein everything is just lies to make money, we have to make ourselves our own point of self-direction through developing common sense in a proper structure of self-support,  such as walking the Desteni I Process  as a lifetime commitment to Learn How to Live and start stopping the usual nastiness that comes when seeing others as ‘more’ than ourselves and waiting them to fall so that we, in our secret mind – can always end up winning against others. The only way to stop seeing your fellow human as an enemy is through walking the opposition and discord existent within ourselves, individually toward ourselves  through writing, applying self forgiveness and developing self-honesty to finally start living in consideration of who we are as one and equal.

Dare to expose the real evil in you as it is only through revealing to each other the very ‘secrets’ in our minds, that we can stop that binding bondage to our own damnation that emerges from a single thought that we accept in the name of personal power and identification – thus, through making ourselves aware of this, we are able to start getting to know ‘who we are’ within seeing others fall, who we are within participating in gossip, who we are within watching media/ news that make fun of politicians – who we are within bashing others in the name of personal glorification as ‘knowing better,’ while neglecting the fact that life has no preference, life has no value, life is not knowledge and life will never exist in a mind that believes itself to be superior to anything or anyone in this reality.

 

It’s Life’s way now.

 

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