Tag Archives: self will

August 11, 2017

594. Who Decides?

By Marlen

Or how I’ve been able to establish a pillar of support for myself from the time I decided to ‘kick a habit’ and get to know who I am as the authority of myself.

Last week there was an interesting discussion in our group chat about self-authority and how many times we believe we ‘don’t have a say’ in opening up something within ourselves or others that we know could be fixed, corrected, changed for the betterment of a situation and everyone involved. However, we concluded how relevant it is to instead of wanting to ‘fix things out there’ first, we have to take things ‘back to self’ where one can instead see ‘who am I’ in relation to this point that I’m wanting to change in others and as such, seeing where one’s authority is in the whole case.

What do I mean by this ‘self-authority’ and how I have neglected my own in my life? I’ve found how I’ve conditioned myself several times in various contexts/situations based on an idea, belief or perception of myself as ‘not having the authority’ to change something in me, and it obviously doesn’t come up with such words as in ‘Oh crap, I don’t have authority over that!’ but it comes in the form of ‘I can’t change this, it’s not coming natural to me, based on my past it’s just not something that I can do, it’s who I’ve always been, that would not be me doing that, it’s just not ‘my thing,’ I would not feel entirely ‘me’ doing/saying/being that, I would feel so fake because I’ve never done that/expressed that before’ and one cool question that I’ve come up whenever these things come up which are a form of disempowerment is saying to myself “Well, Who Decides?”

And this ‘who’ is really then a way to bring myself back to who I decide to be, to realize that I am that authority that is able to decide how I can take the first steps to ‘step into the new,’ to start taking those ‘first steps’ in creating something, to decide to practice and express new things, in new ways, to be the one that makes a decision on what I express, what I choose, what I decide to move towards – it’s entirely up to me and the possibilities of doings so – all things considered of course within the context, possibilities, affordability, time, skills and the rest of practical common sensical things to look at when deciding to do something as a practical assessment of ‘I can’ do it and take reality into consideration – but I no longer give that power to my mind’s limitations as in ‘I can’t’ or ‘It’s gonna take so long that I rather just not do it at all’ or ‘It’s not my thing’ or ‘It’s going to be so difficult’ because I am aware how many times I’ve set such seemingly ‘excusable traps’ to myself as limitations which ultimately have led me to ‘long timeloops’ that I’m sorting out currently in my life and have realized are coming from fears of essentially stepping out of my comfort zone and actually ‘do change’ as it was mentioned in a recent recording on Eqafe.

Interestingly enough, this past week I’ve had conversations with a few individuals and it was cool to see that they all have been looking more intently into quitting a certain day to day habit such as weed, alcohol, smoking or even addiction to self-deprecation and ‘past sorrows’ lol. So I found it quite cool that all of them have been looking beyond the ‘habit’ or ‘addiction’ in itself – meaning going beyond the obvious habit created to experiencing some chemical/stimulation change in their bodies – or certain emotional experience – but more looking at and into what of themselves is being suppressed in those habits, where are they keeping themselves in these Timeloops or recycling of experiences day in and day out without really stepping out of the pattern and questioning ‘who am I’ without this habit/addiction/repetitive experience in my day to day? What’s behind my ‘need’ to do it on a daily basis, at the same times or in the same ‘social contexts’ etc.?

It’s quite interesting because quitting an addiction, stopping it or even taking the first step to question it and test out not ‘giving into it’ for one day is already a huge step for many, even more so for those that are not that aware of the various consequences created at a mind, physical and being level within the relationship created to certain substances/chemicals – but more so in discovering ‘what kind of expressions, words to live have I been suppressing or not developing for myself wherein I then believe I ‘need’ this substance in me to focus, to do things, to let go, to relax, to open up conversations with people, to ‘be me’, to enjoy life, to develop my skills in music/art/creativity’ and the rest of expressions that I can totally understand may not be ‘natural’ to most of us, but sure as hell I can say now that it IS entirely possible to be a ‘socially lubricated’, open, focused, relaxed, joyful, creative individual as one can experience oneself with drugs and being entirely sober and still manage to be all of those expressions that we have given our authority to create and develop for ourselves through needing a certain substance in our bodies/minds.

Here I’m mostly describing some of what I’ve discovered myself as well through having been a person that also had fallen into such habits before for various reasons and contexts, creating a dependency to ‘express myself’ for example creatively relying on a particular substance to ‘do that for me’ or ‘be the catalyst.’ And interestingly enough I was also listening to a person’s vlog this morning on menopause and creating an analogy of the symptoms of it being similar to withdrawal symptoms after being a drug addict, where her expression as a reason to take some ‘herbal stuff’ to calm her down was ‘I can’t deal with this’ and her entire expression was that of fighting back tears, being clearly emotional and believing that yes it’s too bad she can’t walk through it without the use of this ‘herb’ or drug.

Now I have no authority there to judge her or consider her as weak for needing that, I have no idea what menopause feels like nor how it is felt if one has been a drug addict, but the point that caught my attention is precisely going into that belief or experience of ‘I can’t deal with this’ where we believe we ‘can’t do it’ or ‘can’t stand’ something, where we in fact believe ourselves to be ‘less than’ such experiences in our minds and bodies – because yep, we have definitely intertwined them to such an extent that any ‘withdrawal’ symptom is not only a psychological but a physical dependency to cut off as well.

And I realized that those are mostly consequential outflows from having created such dependency in the first place – meaning, if one has to quit something, sure there will be withdrawal symptoms at various physical and psychological levels, re-wiring oneself or ‘re-adapting’ to not doing it anymore entails an entire ‘re-alignment’ of one’s day to day experience which has to be in a way ‘re built’ depending on the extent that one has ‘wired’/intertwined one’s life depending on these drugs to do/be/activate certain experiences within us, and that’s where a lot of patience, dedication, perseverance and consistency comes in, as well as being gentle to ourselves because it sure is quite a ‘shock’ to the body that has been conditioned at times for decades to do something as a regular habit. And also, very important, to seek out for support as well!

Having said that, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be an impossible thing where we are kind of already seeing the ‘long road’ and see it as ‘too much to go through’ and immediately create ‘backdoors’ and talk ourselves into this ‘oh no, it’s going to be hard, it’s going to be hell, it will be so difficult! I rather just leave things as they are, I’m ok, it would only compound the problems…’ – right there is ourselves speaking as the worst or lesser version of ourselves that is not realizing the authority we truly have to change things. As the saying goes here ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’.

However, I am also aware that it’s entirely up to each one to make this kind of decisions but I personally haven’t talked myself out of my decisions in for example stopping habits I kicked out some 9 and a half years ago when I started this process with Desteni where my starting point was: I want to know who I am without all of these experiences, this ‘neediness’ for something causing me to ‘be’ or ‘express’ in a particular way,’ because I saw it as self-deception, as fooling myself, just like cheating in winning a game type of thing where you know that it’s not you doing the effort or developing the skills as such, but paying off your triumph or bribing someone to change the numbers for you to ‘feel like a winner.’ It’s just a point of self-dishonesty that I decided to stop within me which became a very relevant, sturdy pillar of support for the development of my self-trust – as in realizing ‘I can do this, I can walk through it’ and prove to myself eventually that ‘it wasn’t as hard/bad/tough/difficult as I thought it would be’ and in doing so, kind of debunking this ‘greater than myself’ fear that I had towards leaving these habits, patterns, emotional experiences in my mind, which enabled me to start seeing and realizing what? My self-authority – bingo.

So to me it’s been an interesting week of looking at this word of ‘self-authority’ and questioning where in my life I started first realizing this ‘authority’ that I have within myself, as in living that statement ‘I decide’ and within that decision moving as it, giving it a continuation as in doing something, changing something, stopping participating in something within the understanding of how I want to do this for myself, to get to really know me, to get to really express me instead of having a substance ‘doing the thing for me’ shrinking and wallowing in the back of myself in a position of disempowerment, while allowing a chemical, a substance to ‘kick in’ and be the ‘powerful hero’ one instead of me.

Self authority to me is that strength, that determination that is built not in one single day and within one single decision of ‘changing’ something, but it is something that is daily built and reassured within that continued commitment to myself not only in ‘kicking detrimental habits’ but in the various decisions I make to support myself, to be aware of myself, to ground myself, to work things that come up and ‘knock me off’ from my stability for a moment – I decide who I am in all those bits of moments, and even when there’s ‘nothing happening’ I then focus more into the detail of my physical, what do I have to correct in terms of tightness, tension, tensing up lips, feet, facial muscles, where am I frowning without awareness, where am I again having this undercurrent of ‘rushing’ and there’s in essence always, always  something that I can be focusing on in this same context of establishing the authority of myself, my direction, my decision and action in terms of ‘who I decide to be’ in every moment and in the detail of myself as my physical body.

So, I very much enjoy extending the support that I’ve given to myself to these people in my life that I’ve come to know are walking through this ‘stopping the habit’ phase and enjoy making questions and sharing about my own experience as a way to understand ourselves better as ‘creatures of habit’ and how we can open up things for ourselves that can assist us is sticking to these decisions and testing out ‘who we are’ without these addictions/detrimental habits – or more so discovering ‘what of ourselves’ is hiding behind such habits. It’s a very interesting process and an enjoyable one dare I say because to me every single person that decides to ‘stand up’ in their lives is ‘one plus’ to this equation of self-support that will ripple out not only in our own body, but to the lives of many more that we can continue to inspire to consider doing the same in their lives, as what is ‘best for all.’ That’s why I also decided to write this blog and extend these realizations and support for others that may also be deciding to quit stuff recently.

So If you that’s reading this is considering or coming to the realization that it’s time to ‘kick that old habit’ out of your life, all I can say is Go For It! To me that’s been one of the pieces of ‘freedom’ in my life that I’ve been able to create, to be clean and say ‘I don’t depend on this/that to be me in any given context or activity’ in terms of substances/drugs/alcohol etc. It’s truly liberating in many aspects, and to me that’s one piece added to forming the completion of one’s self-authority as in living the statements of I decide, I do change, I live my decision, I walk through the process it takes with its ups and downs, starting overs and mistakes – I stand right back up if I fall, I stick to it, I trust myself, I persevere, I get it done and I see it through.

Thanks for reading!

 

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May 30, 2017

566. Back on (the) track

By Marlen

Or how to decide to live a word in the small moments of our day and actually live it

Today I made a decision to ‘get back on track’ and ‘on the track’ literally speaking after ‘taking some time off’ of my usual routine during the past weeks and I found it’s sometimes a bit difficult getting ‘back on track’ after not following ‘the usual routine’. There is such a thing as ‘inertia’ where we can be naturally waking up and doing our usual stuff without a hassle, which comes as a process of walking discipline, consistency and perseverance in my case – but then after breaking the regular schedule for some time, it does require me to ‘stir the wheel’ again in the desired direction and give myself ‘the order’ to do certain things again.

Well, it all started yesterday actually where I decided to take on a little project to do some artwork for something that I never thought I would see myself doing, artwork for a kid’s story and it was fun! I realized how ‘driven’ I can be when I have ‘something to do’ as a little project, which means that I can then approach other things to do in ‘projects’ so that I can approach them in a similar manner and so use my time effectively and efficiently.

I also noticed how much I can be ‘on a roll’ and kind of procrastinate doing basic stuff like going to pee for example, so this time I had to deliberately ‘make a pause’ and take some time off for that, which is where I have to bring in common sense and physicality to not get ‘too lost’ into the ‘driven’ inertia and forget about myself, which is an interesting pattern I’ve noticed more about myself.

I’ve also decided to give that time ‘off’ for myself which I’ve usually done on a daily basis through going for a walk, but also to give myself a ‘treat’ if possible or do something different – like taking the time to do this art project for a kids story – but also taking some time ‘off’ for an hour to ‘disconnect’ from what I am doing, this is usually in the form of going out and come back to what I was doing, and yes I noticed how I could have gone ‘on and on’ with this little project, but I also set a limit in terms of having to sleep, have dinner and so forth – even deciding to watch a movie while doing the drawings which was also an ‘out of character’ thing for me to do, but managed to do it.

I’ve mostly been somewhat ‘driven’ my whole life and as much as this can be seen as a very ‘cool’ attribute, when it becomes a form of immovable duty and coming with a strong sense of ‘I am what I do’ it becomes something that’s more ‘for something/someone’ rather than for myself, which is something I’ll continue exploring as well. At the same time, I’ve also found that I can create a balance in how I use my time and learning to ‘take time off’ and genuinely ‘disconnect’ from certain things in our day to day routine and before I would be quite reluctant to do this and I frankly still can’t watch something and not do ‘something’ at the same time, but I’ll get there – unless I go to the movies where I have nothing else to do but sit and watch lol.

I share this because I consider many people might have the same personality/character trait, this ‘duty calls’ type of personality that at times overrides this ‘me-time’ consideration and I’m quite grateful for the past weeks that have allowed me to place things into perspective in many aspects of my current life which I’ll be sharing here as I go opening them up.

But! Back to today. So I woke up at the usual early time and I noticed that this ‘inertia’ of maybe just going back to sleep was starting to emerge in me, so I reminded myself of my own suggestion of the ‘breath-wake-up’ which is inhaling to get up from bed and exhaling while getting out of it, all in one breath and bam, one is awake. But I noticed that I required to give myself a direction this time, not a ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ though, but rather more like what I could live in that insta-moment of waking up, and what came up in me as this ‘word to live’ was ‘Will’ and I said to myself ‘I will myself to wake up’ and actually do it, the ‘I Matter’ recording that was released recently can give an awesome perspective on this, which simplifies and clarifies a lot of what we can do to make each ‘little moment’ count in our lives and to me this was ‘the moment’ that also set the tonality for the rest of the day.

Such a simple moment of self-direction made a difference to this creeping ‘comfy’ idea of ‘possibly maybe just starting to jog again tomorrow’ and diving into the comfort zone of ‘doing it tomorrow instead’, but! through simply saying these words and actually doing what I just said I would do which is to ‘will myself’ and do what I had planned to do since yesterday, I was able to start the day as usual and get back on track with my routine which I also enjoy.

Going for a jog after some 2 weeks of not actively doing so is definitely at times a bit awkward, but with time and consistency over these past 2 years, my body gets adjusted more rapidly to it and I’ve noticed how I definitely enjoy having this ‘me-time’ point in the mornings of doing something not only for my ‘mental enjoyment’ but physical support and enjoyment. I came back and did some freestyle moves with some music which felt really nice in the whole body, like every cell taking a nice breath and yep, that was cool.

I got to finish the project that I was working on and was satisfied with the outcome of it, which again is not something I would have ‘personally chosen to do’ before as in ‘the usual marlen’ persona that would not see herself as ‘suitable for kids’ but! I challenged that with the help of my friends that gave me the opportunity and encouragement to do it, which I am quite happy about now because it’s another way for me to continue practicing my art skills and expand into new territories J

I’ll be sharing more as I go in redefining some words and learning to live them as myself, my relationship to the notion of ‘being an example’ and how I had twisted that phrase a bit in my life and other interesting words that I would not have been able to see for myself without taking this ‘time off,’ which I would also recommend doing especially for those that ‘like me’ have a particular strong sense of ‘duty’ or ‘workaholism’ that in essence it’s not so much of a ‘noble feat’ but also a way for us to hide behind a comfort zone of ‘responsibilities’ and ‘work’ and the rest of it, so! I challenge thou if you can relate to that particular pattern, because I know how it may seem like ‘I am missing out on my duty omg!’ but, from time to time it is refreshing and assists oneself in having a second look at one’s life and come ‘back’ revitalized and with a clearer head to move forward.

An awesome Eqafe recording I suggest checking out to get some clarity on this subject of ‘taking some time off’ is the following one Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155, which I recommend for those that are ‘similar’ to what I’ve described in this blog.

Thanks for reading

 

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January 31, 2017

494. Self-Motivation: Do It For Yourself

By Marlen

Some years ago I wrote about self-motivation and it’s a recurring topic within me because this is probably one of the most challenging things I’ve had to face in this process, which is that of understanding what ‘myself-moving-for-and-as-myself’ in fact means, because as human beings we’ve always been motivated/moved/driven by energy in the form of fears or desires, by a particular set of achievements that we create as an ideal ‘out there’ that we push ourselves to obtain. I heard somewhere yesterday – or today – about a hypothetical case where someone based their entire life on obtaining something, and when they finally got it, they did not know what to do with themselves. Lol, it’s funny I can’t remember where I got it from but it stuck with me because it prompted me to realize how much we have driven the entirety of our creation based on ‘achieving’ something outside of ourselves or getting something that we believe will fulfill us or make us ‘feel better’… yet we can eventually ‘get that’ and realize there’s still this ‘void’ or ‘un-fulfillment’ within us, which is because we made that ‘something’ the core-drive of our every move, instead of making of ourselves the core-drive and motivation of our every move to be and create what we set ourselves to do in this world.

That’s why here I’d like to look at self-motivation.

See, the point is not so much about finding things to do ‘out there’ and making them our drive or purpose, because I consider giving ourselves a purpose is something that we all have to create in our lives in order to live in a supportive manner. The point here is to look at ‘who we are’ within that purpose and ensuring that we are the starting point and motive/motor of such purpose at the same time.

What does this in fact mean? It implies that one has to do it for oneself, even if that which we are doing, working on or creating is ‘for something else’ or even to serve a particular purpose in someone else’s life, the starting point has to always be oneself so that no matter what happens to that which we create or work on, we know that every single moment of breath and movement of ourselves was lived within the starting point of supporting ourselves, of living that ability to move, to live, to direct, to challenge ourselves, to persevere in doing something that ultimately makes us grow and become better individuals every day, no matter what the outcome is.

I am finding it a bit hard to explain what it is like to wake up every day and have oneself as a motivation and starting point for everything, where fear is not really a motivation, nor a desire for money, nor wanting to ‘get something’ in particular either, but simply moving throughout the day based on a set of principles where I have to essentially in every moment decide to ‘move me’, I decide ‘to do things’, I decide to ‘get out of my comfort zone’, I decide to do what needs to be done, what I need to direct, create, take care of and expand on.

In my experience, it has been a constant point to create an equilibrium on, that’s how I can best describe it because I have been one of those people that had mostly ever worked on things and been very diligent in stuff in order to get some recognition, to do something that’s ‘really great’ but still get my ‘share of applause’ back, and living for that is just something that invariably leads oneself to a low, because the starting point is then getting an experience that is entirely dependent on others, on likes/dislikes, judgments, opinions, perceptions, moods, biases, lol… and the plethora of human emotions and feelings that I could get back as a response to ‘what I do’ which I have realized throughout this process from consciousness to awareness that it became more of a petrifying-process than a gratifying one at the end of the day. I knew I had to completely let go of ‘others’ in my head or this something/someone else I was ‘moving myself for’ and be my own starting point to be, do, act, live and express myself.

Has it been easy? Nope, I’ve caught myself over the years many times fooling me that ‘this time I am doing it to support me’ but I wasn’t, I still would have some hidden agenda to do something, be something to ‘impress others’ or get some kind of recognition ‘from others’ – yep! That has been the core programming in me and so it is an every moment decision to focus back on myself, to do it for me, to express it as something that I do as myself, for myself, no expectations, no desires, no fears behind it.

It’s easy to say but it’s been quite a process where I many times still question my intent and purpose behind doing something, but at the same time I’ve also found that stopping questioning it assists in simply breathing through a moment, trusting myself and walking the creation of something and walking through the outcomes of it. This way, letting go of expectations is quite a supportive thing to do because in any case, any idea, judgment, perception that anyone may have about something I did or didn’t do, is still that, a point of expression coming from others that can surely can be a feedback point, but it comes as a secondary thing once that I first establish me, myself as my core and starting point to do things and ultimately doing what I do in the name of my own bettering as a person and standing as that one point in this reality that can at the same time contribute to creating what I’ve always wanted us all to create: better world, better lives for everyone.

An example with self-motivation and money.  If we judge a world where money defines the value of a person, or where money is defended and cared for more than someone’s life, we have to stop then also moving ourselves merely by a desire for money for example, and instead see the current necessity for money as something that enables us to keep living, to have a roof over our heads, to continue creating means of living, to be healthy – if we use the money properly, that is – but in this way of looking at it, money stops being an ‘end’ in itself, it only becomes a means to keep myself/ourselves alive in order to continue learning how to actually live in the best way possible where I can then be the best I can for myself and so for others, to truly ‘birth life from the physical’ as every word, every action, every decision that I can make through being alive, through having money to keep myself alive and well – that’s about it that I see for now with myself and money.

At the same time I salute everyone else that is conducting bigger projects with money and that’s quite awesome as well where the use and purpose of money is for the creation of a living-environment that can be replicated in many other places around the world and be of support not only to humans, but plants, animals and ecosystems alike. I suggest checking out Gian’s Earth Haven project for it, and that’s a great example of motivation as well where money is used in a direct and visible manner to educate, propose ways of living and actually build them out in reality.

 

I share my own example where assisting other people in this same process is motivated by a greater purpose that I decided to be a part of in this world, which includes me and everyone else’s life to be the best that we can create it to be. This then comes through my own dedication and building up of skills through the years, expanding my own understanding and potential where I can assist myself and others to be their best version of themselves. What I’ve come to discover is that I genuinely enjoy being able to assist people in birthing themselves/ourselves as life, to discover who we really are beneath the clogging-mess that we can create in our minds and that’s a purpose and point of self-motivation that I had sought in many places, in many ways but had not really found anything as personally fulfilling as being a buddy or life-birthing assistant – as I like to call myself – wherein I am learning so much more about myself and others which in a way I sought to do through arts like reading books, painting, looking at art or music, but none of it quenched my thirst so to speak.

It’s fascinating how the contact with human beings in a deeper manner and with a direct and concrete focus to better ourselves, to change ourselves for the best is precisely what I’ve found most fulfilling to do in my life, which is great because as I explained in yesterday’s blog, I didn’t ‘like people’ and I was directing myself to be as separated from people as much as I could, being engulfed in my own little realm of pseudo-comfort, not having to ‘deal with people’… but, it is in dealing ‘with people’ and actually getting to understand the sometimes ‘nonsensical’ experiences we create in our minds and learning to take on the challenge to step out of such limitations that I’ve found a self-fulfilling activity where not only do I stand as the origin and starting point of it, understanding that if this is what I can do and am good at doing, then I am fulfilling both purposes: what I am and stand for and move myself to support others in doing the same, which is also why I write these blogs as well.

Many times throughout the past every time that I started ‘second guessing’ sharing my writings was because I was not being ‘the starting point’ of those writings as myself – meaning I was not my own point of self-movement/self-motivation – but I was trying to ‘show’ something to others, I was trying to get a point across only ‘for others’ and that eventually becomes a trap of ‘doing it for others’ as in having ‘others as my motivation’ for me writing myself, instead of doing it as an expression, a movement, a decision I make and simply live out and do.

So this is how I remember I have been practicing – with its ups and downs, clearly – since I wrote the blog Self Will: If I don’t move … Nothing Moves back in 2011, how self movement and my own will, my own volition as a decision I live becomes ‘who I am’ with everything I do. It is liberating and empowering at the same time to see and try out ‘who am I’ if I move myself for myself, as myself, no hidden agendas, no expected outcomes, no desires hidden, no fears in it either… but only a plain decision to move, willing myself to do it and continue doing it as an expression, an extension of myself, an ‘I move me’ decision. It’s very simple really but in our minds it does mean a process of disengaging having ‘others’ in the back of our heads or a particular experience we might get out of it, or a particular ‘outcome’ or ‘result’ as an outflow of what we do and that’s been a continuous challenge for me that I have to essentially cut-off and let-go-of anytime that this ‘doing it for something/someone’ rears its head.

If I am Not doing it for myself or as myself, whatever it is that I am ‘motivating’ myself with to move, will eventually crash down only to take me back to base 1 where I have to again re-establish myself as my starting point of self-movement or motivation. And this is ok to repeat and do as many times as it is needed to stand up from this, because at least in my case it’s easy to step out of oneself and start creating motivation through a desire for an experience or particular outcome, which is when we stop being our own reason and starting point for self-movement, self-expression and self-motivation and we give ourselves away to something/someone else.

How to tell then if we are our starting point in whatever we are doing? By questioning our starting point in doing or not doing things, because oh boy, I’ve been there where ‘not doing something’ was also a way to make some kind of a statement ‘for others out there’ and it really was a waste of time and inertia for nothing. Therefore, all I can recommend is to make sure that whenever we see doing something ‘for others’ I can immediately look back at myself and see what I am willing to live and do as and for myself and remove ‘others’ as an idea in my head.

This is something I was recently pondering about in relation to my appearance and how I have shaved my head for 7 years now due to the commitment I made for/as/with myself, but lately I’ve been giving too much attention to ‘how it is seen by others’ and whether it is supportive to engage with others and creating a possibly ‘wrong first impression’… but upon writing this here on motivation or the ‘motive’ behind things I do, I realize that I am again in that doubtful stance where I am placing others in my mind first instead of myself, and this doesn’t mean not to consider feedback or comments about it, but in the end, I do have to consider myself: what I want, what I am in relation to this point of appearance and making sure that if I decide to stop doing it, it’s not based on what others are desiring of myself as a ‘look’ because it is ultimately ‘just a look’ – but it would only be an decision motivated by me, making a decision and living it out. It is a fine balance between righteousness and actual considerations, which is something I’ll simply look at whenever the point is here again, and that’s why I started off this blog by sharing how this is probably one of those ‘challenging subjects’ because there’s always a fine line between motivating oneself based on what we believe we ‘are’ for others or ‘should be’ for others, and being and doing so for ourselves, standing for ourselves and I’d say for the first time learn to have me-myself and only ourselves as a starting point and end-point in our minds.

In doing this, as it’s been said many times, if we are the best to and for ourselves, standing in authenticity and authority within ourselves, being the director and motive behind every move and every decision to live, change and express, then we entirely own ourselves, we are responsible of ourselves and we are then at the same time also an individual that is part of a whole that stands in self-responsibility, in self-creation. What a better way to ‘change the world’ but through doing this by and for each one of us, individually. That’s the real path to equality we’ve been looking for, that’s the real liberation that we’ve been demanding others to create for us… and that’s something that it is very much available for each one of us in our minds, bodies and beingness, lol, it takes a decision, a will and self-movement to live it and do it though!

So, that’s the challenge here for everyone and myself, to keep an eye on ourselves within our every move and try out asking yourself whenever you are unsure of ‘what’s moving you’: who am I doing this for? What am I looking for with doing or not doing this? What’s my starting point in this that I am about to create, express, change, do, move? And from there assess potential outcomes to see if they are genuinely supportive for oneself and so for others.

Though not to get confused with ‘likes and dislikes’ either. Many times we have to do things that we may NOT like to do, but again it’s not to get lost in the outcomes of say working in a particular job where the results are not necessarily that of ‘uplifting humanity’ but it is about being the starting point in the sense of the words we can live in such situations: the discipline, the motivation/movement in itself, the dedication, the management of our emotions and reactions in such situations, the relationships with others on a daily basis, the points that we can learn about ourselves in such situations and environments where we can instead expand ourselves beyond our preferences or personalities, the kind of habits that we can assist ourselves to make certain tasks or points of responsibility the best way that we can… there’s always room for self-improvement, no matter ‘what’ we have to do for a living or how we have to ‘spend our days’ in this world – it’s about who we are inside and doing it to support us, no matter what the ‘makeup’ of the reality we live in is like, this is all about who we are within ourselves in it.

Ok, long blog but, cool reflection for myself to continue grounding this self-trust on self-movement and learning from it.

Thanks for reading

 

waterfall

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE

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August 16, 2014

413. First Steps to Living Leadership

By Marlen

 

One of the conditions that we have quite embedded within ourselves is hierarchy, the idea that there is always someone above us that we must follow/take orders from/obey and that someone is apparently always the one that is supposed to keep things ‘under control,’ to provide a sense of security and care as this overall omnipotent person or organization that we all make ourselves dependent on. In this, when we ‘follow’ we make of ourselves –by default – inferior to such idea of being ‘the leader’/a leader and within that, even if we have the most genuine intention to change the world, we continue being enslaved by our inherent learned programming of ‘following’ and waiting for others to take the first step.

 

In this process I’ve used comparison as a form to keep myself in a very comfortable position of believing that ‘well, others know better than me, why should I bother to take such position?’ ‘Oh well, I am not as good with communicating that, such person is better at it, so, why should I?’ ‘Oh, but, I don’t have the overall existential context of this, so my perspective is not as holistic as it should, so I rather leave that to another person that can give such perspective’ and so forth. This had prevented me from actually realizing that in these very excuses and justifications, I was rendering myself as ‘inferior’ in a deliberate manner which is not only inferior to this/that person, but simply by perceiving myself as inferior/ not  yet good enough to keep myself in the background, to simply continue ‘following the leader’ so to speak.

 

What I have realized this is that the sole idea of a ‘leader’ as one single person already creates a point of separation, rendering unique abilities to one person or one organization, one ‘entity’ person or ‘god’ for example and in this the rest can remain comfortably ‘shadowed’ by this leader figure, which is why we become too complacent in a job that requires the least effort or responsibility, the least challenges. We fear change, we fear getting to know new people, we dislike breaking our routine/our known ways, disrupting our ‘territory’ and so remaining in the comfortable status quo is precisely what keeps running this world system as is: because we don’t challenge everything we see requires to be changed. It’s not the ‘few world leaders’ that keep it the way it is: it is our complacency, our apathy, our decision to live by the ‘law of the least effort’ and so avoiding responsibility and participation in the matters that pertain to our lives at all cost, not realizing that the ‘cost’ is high when it comes to merely following: the decisions, the contracts, the laws, the entire structures we continually comply to as our acceptance and allowance are not functioning in the best interest of all. The real cost is then life itself: our own disregard for life, for one another which is creating the hideous consequences we can all read about day by day in the news and world events. Why hasn’t anything changed then!? Well, because we simply haven’t stepped up to live the word Leadership.

See, instead of holding an image of this ‘omnipotent’ charismatic leader idea of individual/entity that we see as ‘leader,’ I suggest stripping the word to its basic meaning so that we can instead not believe we have to become yet another ‘character’ as a leader, but simply Live the word Leadership.

 

 

How to practically Live Leadership from the ground up?

Well, what I’ve realized is that because we have created such ginormous idea of what ‘being a Leader’ is or what ‘leadership’ implies, we become subject to our own fantasies, projections, beliefs, prejudices and in doing so, we separate ourselves from living the word leadership as the basic realization of each one’s inherent potential that exists within us by the virtue of being alive, being in a physical body, having a mind and using our will to become self-directive. Ok, so that’s the first point – you can check for yourself now: are you a breathing living human being? Can you see yourself being able to think and speak and direct your body according to what you decide to do in your thoughts OR are you being automatically driven to do/say/think things without you fully being aware of it? This is a first assessment of the physical ‘hardware’ we essentially require as ingredients to Live the word Leadership: to realize we have a body, we have a mind, we have our will.

Now, in terms of the ‘software’ here comes the tricky part. We have been essentially indoctrinated from the beginning of our time to believe that some priest, king, emperor, chief, master is always meant to be the head of the tribe/group/society and so lead the way – in this we never have in fact questioned such position: how did they get there? Did they get any ‘special knowledge’ beforehand? Are they in fact ‘the most well adapted individuals?’ ‘Did they use force to get to such position of ‘power and control’? We haven’t really questioned this in depth; we just took such positions for granted. So with having lived this way throughout most of our lives, we have then become subject to our own faulty programming: we have never been taught how to live the word leadership, how to not wait for others to ‘show us the way’ but use our basic physical hardware as our body, our mind, our will to do things and getting it done along with the investigation, research, trial and error processes that doing any sort of task or work involves, which includes of course even the changing of our individual mind patterns as well.

This is why we have to be very patient with us when it comes to wanting to live the word leadership: we first have to run a ‘defragmentation’ of our ‘disk’ as our mind patterns, our prejudices, judgments and experiences that we have attached to the idea of a leader or leadership in separation of ourselves, seeing it as something ‘superior’ or ‘too much’ or ‘frightening’ or ‘intimidating’ or any other adjective and/or emotional or feeling experience we have attached to it, which is then what one can see, investigate and realize as the limitation it creates within oneself when it comes to ‘placing ourselves in the shoes of the leader’ and so, what we do in such emotional experience or prejudices is that we separate ourselves from Living the word Leadership. All of these judgments, ideas, beliefs have to be thrown to the garbage for the past preprogramming they have been, for the self-disrespect they imply in terms of the limitations we impose to our body, our mind and our will. For this, we have the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness for having accepted and allowed such limitations within ourselves and so, realizing that once that we have cleared out our viruses and old software, we now have a clean slate to write our own application as the way we see we can begin integrating the word Leadership in our day to day Living.

It is fascinating but one can jump into conclusions or future projections on how ‘Living the word Leadership’ will imply immediately taking some sort of ‘presidential’ position in your community or in your house or in a group or else – but nope, the actuality of this is that one truly first requires to focus on oneself: to become the directive principle of our lives in every moment that we are breathing, here, alive, physically present. Why? Because when one is only parroting the old patterns running in auto-pilot mode, the old ‘me’ that stood as a follower to my own thoughts, what I believe I feel or experience about myself then I simply re-load the obsolete program as ‘the old me’ and continue running this ‘me’ as the automated ‘app’ we have reduced ourselves to –  and in this I also then keep my environment, my surroundings, the people I interact with in that same mentality as well: we keep each other caged in this same old patterned reality where we blindly follow ‘everything we’ve ever known, everything we’ve ever been,’ which is the who we are as our mind, as all our perceived ‘lacks’ and self-judgments, comparisons, rivalry, superior/inferior mentality, specialness, indifference, apathy, superiority, etc.

So, within keeping ourselves in the ‘old frame of mind,’ it becomes rather impossible to live the word Leadership, because the first step is to actually Lead ourselves ‘out of the mind and into the physical’ which is not some kind of magical statement or involving anything else other than stopping ourselves from following our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, any form of confusion, friction and conflict and focus on our ability to make a conscious decision to STOP running in the speed train of emotions and feelings, to STOP playing that ‘old me-record’ and decide to orchestrate a new tune, a new move, a new me, a new approach to the ‘same old’ and so really put the effort to create a solution in our lives, in such moment, in such situation or with such individual/s. This is how we can then begin challenging ourselves in a way that it becomes a learning and expansive process each day. It’s interesting how one can ever perceive ‘boredom’ outside of ourselves as if ‘the world is boring’ and so go seeking ‘positive experiences,’ without realizing that the we are the ones that create the boredom by becoming subject to our own ‘known ways,’ the same old ‘paths’ and predictable behaviors and not really using every day to innovate, to challenge ourselves, to step beyond the limitations we saw within us the day before, to see our day to day as an opportunity to challenge everything we’ve ever known and so in doing this genuinely see how an opportunity to let go of the limitation steps forth.

 

Self Responsibility comes First

This can be an expansive and learning process that can be lived in many ways ‘toward others’ or ‘outside in the world’ as well, but the first point will always be to start leading our way within ourselves: self first, which is: becoming self-directive in our own minds, to have the volition to not follow the ‘same old me’ and play the broken record that I know where it’s going to lead me, but to rather use the moment, the life that I have to expand, explore, do things, learn from mistakes, learn from others, interact and within doing so already leading ourselves outside of our comfort zone, which is the mind, the known, the unchangeable, the false-sense of security we have in our ‘known ways.’ 

About the word ‘Leadership’ – It is truly a word that I recommend us all to practice living it, becoming it within its most simplistic consideration at this stage which is to ensure that one is not ‘being ridden’ by the mind, but that one is first of all clear, stable, grounded here – absolutely here – and aware of every word, experience, movement, decision that we make, assessing at all times ‘what is my starting point for doing/saying this? Where is this want/need/desire coming from?’ ‘what is the starting point of me saying/doing/acting in this way toward this person/that situation?’ ‘Is this decision or consideration something that is beneficial for myself and others?’ ‘Am I actually considering living principles here and preventing consequences?’ ‘How can I best learn from this mistake and redirect it toward a solution?’– This is then when we stop seeing the decision to ‘live a word’ as some kind of magnificent plan in separation of ourselves, but we actually first of all focus on living it ourselves in every moment of the simplicity that implies breathing, assessing one’s very next move and so see one’s entire day as a blank canvass where we always can decide when, how and why we paint the next stroke – in the end, we will have to live with ourselves as our creation, so why not take the wheel instead of sitting in the backseat to ensure we can be entirely sure that what we live and create is entirely our set of decisions/our mistakes/our challenges/our learned processes, ensuring that we truly gave our 100% to our process of self-creation.

I challenge myself here the same way that I was once challenged by one great man that left the Earth one year and some days ago. In that moment I knew: we have to all pitch in, this is it! To live leadership, to learn how to trust my decisions, my principles, testing what works, to not allow any belief or experience to hinder my experience and if so, assessing, aligning, correcting, debugging and taking the next breath to keep moving on. Life is not difficult, life is not a struggle: we are the ones that have ‘made’ it this way, so it is in our hands to make it a truly enjoyable, learning, productive and challenging experience for ourselves as human beings throughout our lifetime.

So, let’s ensure we can do this for ourselves and for the generations to come.

 

 

 

To learn more about Self-Leadership:

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April 9, 2013

349. Self Will in Equal Money

By Marlen
Self Will is living the decision to do what is Best for All as a Living Principle.

 

Continuing:

 

 

Problem                                                                

  • Self Willed:   adjective obstinately pursuing one’s own wishes.
  • This drive to pursue our wishes become a synonym to ‘living,’ which is when one is arduously pursuing happiness, continuously aspiring to become ‘the best’ and constantly imagine to be ‘at the top’ to have a point of freedom, enjoyment and expression as the ideals we have only learned to imagine and seek to attain without understanding first why we were born with inherent limitations to not have such conditions as part of our living environment. Self-Will has become a purpose driven action that guides our every breath to ‘attain’ something –or someone – and believe that such wish, desire, want or need is in fact ‘who we are’ and is absolutely real and acceptable; however, what happens when 2/3 of the Earth’s population have no means to attain even their most sincere wishes such as having food on the table, having a house to live in, having potable water and energy resources? Our self-will in a money-driven world has become the justification for greed and wanting ‘more’ even if we already have enough, and we justify this because: it is our ‘pursuit of happiness’ that we are acting on, and because it is part of our constitution we should all be free to live it – but no one questions why happiness is such an expensive thing to buy or attain instead of being readily given by virtue of being alive in this world.

 

  • We are well accustomed to be motivated by our own future projections, our dreams of having a better life or having enough money to settle down and have the perfect life – which means stopping being in a constant survival mode – we use visuals in our minds to remind ourselves why we are doing what we are doing, why we are having a terrible job that we don’t enjoy at all but do anyways because it’s the only option that we have. We constantly like to think that ‘it will only be temporary’  and prefer to daydream about having a better financial situation wherein we won’t have to ‘deal’ with what our lives have become: a fear based and survival driven ‘living’ condition, which is thus not living – but only surviving. We accept this as ‘how things have always been’ and haven’t moved ourselves to question why we created such a terrible conditioning for everyone. We accept being ‘motivated’ by our imagination because we feel that’s the only place where we can ‘truly be free’ and as such, we will ourselves to do whatever is required to ‘make our dreams comes true.’ Unfortunately, such dreams of ‘betterment’ along with the acceptance of ‘how things are’ are part of the social conditioning to have people always aspiring to do better in their lives to attain some form of freedom or wealth, while the carrot is absolutely fixed on a stick and unable to be reached. People spend their lifetimes searching for this freedom to no avail – yet new generations come and everything remains the same, because the system was the one thing that is constantly blamed for this, instead of realizing it is ourselves as human beings that have established our own belief systems and limitations and think this is ‘how the world works.’ This means that we disregard in every moment that we have the power to actually change this.

 

  • Many of us want to create a change in this world, however when self-will to change the world exists as a point motivated by desires or fear of ending up at the very bottom of it all, or facing all the consequences that we have accumulated thus far as humanity, we end up creating solutions that will only deal with ‘removing’ the fear factor and getting ourselves back to a ‘feel good’ condition, instead of realizing how we created the problem in order to establish change. This is why the problem won’t ‘go away’ unless we  live a process of self correction and self realization to recognize the steps of How we created the problem in the first place. This is what we have to realize in order to not seek for a solution outside of ourselves or only blame the system, government, the ‘environment’ for our current condition and  inner experience – Self Honesty implies taking responsibility for everything we see requires to be changed within the understanding that it is the nature of who we have always been that is the cause and source of our current crisis lived at all levels of our existence at the moment. 

 

 

Solution                                                                                       

  • Self Will is living the decision to do what is Best for All. It is expressing ourselves as the volition of Life in Equality – this means directing ourselves to act, think and do what is in the best interest of all life without expecting a reward or attaining something in separation of ourselves. In this, no energy driven experience exists, no ‘ultimate desires,’ no wants or needs are to be satisfied only at an individual level, but  always ensure everyone else’s are also satisfied.  It is the act of driving and motivating ourselves to physically move to do something, to act and make the necessary changes in ourselves, our reality to enable life to be lived for the very first time in Equality, because so far we haven’t been the living word.

 

  • Self Will is the self direction and self movement that stems from walking the process of Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness – without Self Honesty there is no Self Will but only energy-driven and self-interest purposed-given lives seeking to attain a ‘betterment’ without taking responsibility and  understanding how and why we created a lack and inequality in the first place.  This self will is thus becoming part of the co-creation and cooperation required to establish a world that is based on Equality as what’s Best for All. This is not good or bad, it is simply establishing the physical considerations to ensure that life is sustained, supported and enjoyed by everyone in Equality as how it always should have been – this includes also our individual regard for one another, toward all animals, plants and the environment as part of ourselves.

 

  • Living, breathing, existing to create a change in this world is part of the process of Self Realization – this practically means that we understand our co-creation and participation in this world system we are currently limited by and enslaved to; within this, we take responsibility for it by understanding that we have to create the necessary changes within ourselves and without as the system’s structure in order to create a genuine correction of every aspect that has to be founded re-directed to be based upon an Equality-based system, where everything that we require to live is given and received as a functional  understanding of who we are as Life – one and equal. This is what Equal Money will provide as the result of our participation as self-willed individuals to support each other as one.

 

  • The  change that we decide to act upon is a Self Willed action: there is no desire, no driving force other than our breath by breath and moment to moment realization that who we are, what we think, what we act or don’t act upon determines the outcome and reality we all live in. It is a realization that if we are all equally responsible for how we have created this world, we have to correct the mess within the understanding and individual application of Self Responsibility where no fear drives us to ‘change the world,’ but we instead do it as part of our day to day process of Self-Honesty and Self Correction to understand that who we are/ what we have become is solely our responsibility and creation and as such, we have the power to change and align to what is Best for All.

 

 

Rewards                                                   

  • Living as Self-Willed individuals is part of the perfect order we can establish in the realization of our Equality as Life. This means that everyone’s living understanding of our responsibility, our application of self honesty is lived and as an expression of who we are in every moment of living here as breath, as life in Equality. This is expressed without an effort, without a hassle, without fear or competition against others – it is the living understanding that we can only create the best living conditions to live if we all act in the best interest of all, if we all drive and motivate ourselves by the realization that our well being depends one everyone’s well being in equality – we require to equalize the totality of ourselves to act, express, and  enjoy who we are and what we do as part of this creation.

 

  • Self Enjoyment is the Reward from living without a constant drive to ‘attain’ something or ‘make a living – It won’t be defined by something we buy and consume in separation of ourselves, but instead we will live Self Enjoyment as the expression and realization of living according to what is best for all which means no harm, no abuse, no attainment, no fear driven reactions, but pure self movement acts and decisions made and based on that which will ensure everyone’s wellbeing is guaranteed and satisfied.

 

  • Self Will becomes our principled living statement as the expression of  Freedom, because there will be no coercion existent in a world where everything we require to live the best way possible is given.  There will be no energetic-high that drives us to become ‘better human beings’ because we will be living this self-improvement as a practical process to expand our abilities and capacity to live in our utmost potential. It is the movement we become as part of an entire organism that can only function in the best living conditions if we all participate and cooperate as equals to sustain it – and this is what living will be understood to be, a realization of the totality of ourselves as a living organism with multiple interactions and individual expressions lived within the principle of what is best for all.  This reward is thus not desire or fear driven, it becomes an expression of who we are in every moment of breath.

 

“If I don’t change, If I don’t move – nothing will change and nothing will move”

 

 

 

Matti (3)

 

Artwork by Matti Freeman

 

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November 27, 2012

226. Seeking for a Posi+ive Fix All the Time?

By Marlen

Why are we always wanting to ‘feel good’ without seeing how we are pinning ourselves up in the cross we all bear as the desire for posi+ivi+y?

 

Elitist Character: Drug Culture – Energy Addiction as our Self-Consuming Demise

 

 

Ok, here’s the deal. I realized that in order to walk this process to the fullest it is to take a similar decision to when you decide to quit taking drugs or stop any other habit that has been life/time/money and self-integrity consuming. The decision is made in one moment – Living it, becomes our entire lifetime.

Fear of commitment? Well, let’s see it as easy as: the moment I fear committing myself to something is because I am already wanting/ needing/ desiring to leave an open back door to be able to ‘escape for more,’ which then not a decision made by Self Here in stability as the physical, but still wanting to remain satisfying ourselves as the mind.

Then I ask myself: am I willing to continue deceiving myself for a longer time here? The answer is No, I can’t. And even if I am aware that there will be ‘withdrawal symptoms’ of whatever I am willing to stop, it is a certainty of what must be done in order to walk this Process to the T and focus on breathing, living and not continuing supporting the who I am as the mind of energy that comes through all these wants/ needs/ desires like:

  • I want to
  • I need to
  • I desire to
  • I look forward to
  • I am living up for
  • I crave for
  • I could die for
  • I would kill for – see how these idioms are part of our lexicon lol
  • I hope for
  • I pray for – yes the religious infection here
  • I dream of
  • I fight for
  • I wait for
  • I wish
  • I live up to

 

Have a look for yourself, how many times a day you think or speak these words and anything that comes afterward is a point that will most certainly cause you a certain good experience, something you want/ need/ desire to fulfill as an experience that you’ve defined as ‘more’ than what you already are here.

 

 

Yes, that constant inner-experience of: wanting, needing, desiring, hoping, yearning, wishing, craving, looking forward to, being dreaming of, living up for and essentially, everything that I used as a point to eventually ‘get’ in separation of myself, that something that became a single abstraction that I would be bound to in a masochistic manner. I say masochistic because it is so, every time we bind ourselves to the idea of wanting, needing and desiring something or someone = red flag, the mind’s got us by the balls. And that is a certainty  really, to be unaware of what the hell goes IN FACT inside our bodies when we access the single slightest level of excitement which can only stem from fear, the single slightest level of love that can only stem from fear, the single slightest experience of happiness that can only stem from fear – how? why? simple mathematics that we’ve learned, isn’t it?  (-) (-) = +

Interesting that even the ‘Positive Sign’ is a Cross, did Jesus get crucified on a cross to point out the suffering of what seeking the Positive does?

 

Did Jesus die to get us all unhooked on drugs? That would be a contemporary explanation of the crucifixion = +fixion, the fixation on the positive, the happiness, the bliss, the drugs, the high of the mind as emotions and feelings. Isn’t that our demise currently? It is, all this world is being consumed by us, human beings, due to having followed our ‘dreams’ as desires in our minds while disregarding basic physical considerations within reality that must be extracted, abused and consumed to create a certain experience within us. Whenever I write about ‘consideration of the physical’ the reproductive cycle of fish comes to mind. That’s where I learned that people should not fish every single day during the whole damn year, because the species had to reproduce and then grow to eventually be fished. Did we respect such reproductive cycles? No we didn’t, because we had to satisfy our mind urges to have quantum fish here, in the ‘Now’ of our fantabulous consciousness. You see the CON now?

 

Got your Fix?

This is about the reduction of reality, of life, of who we are to mere stimulation things. Everything became a point separated from ourselves due to the relationship formation processes we created toward everything and everyone in existence. The nature of such separation is inevitable suffering, separation, abuse of any form – all because of missing out one primary aspects as existence: we are all one and equal.

Now, this context is necessary to understand then why being addicted to Energy is the same as being willing to lick Satan’s boots if you are a Christian for example. Meaning, how could we in any way pretend to be ‘good doers’ if our very mechanism in which our mind operates at all times is based on the consumption of our very physicality to transform it into Energy, Energy that we have glorified, deified and crucified ourselves to be able to constantly get our energy fix through which ever mean one would program oneself to: money, sex/ love, sports, drugs, food, buying, jumping off cliffs, food, TV, books, magazines, gardening, cleaning, exercising, traveling, learning, working… yes, the point here to realize is how we have essentially equated everything into a drug, Anything can be a point of stimulation in our minds and that means that we have been preponderant to be able to abuse and turn into an energetic satisfaction of sorts.

Is there any form of integrity within these relationship formation processes? No, the word says it itself: integral = whole/ complete – whereas a self-corruption within conformity – as our entire system is currently functioning – leads to a massive acceptance of self destruction upon warning or missing out all the warnings along the way. It is done, we can’t create more specialness to everything and everyone to what is already here, fake characters interacting with each other consuming self-defined relationships of abuse as an energetic fix that would

And so, I will walk the self forgiveness for having reduced life as this physical reality and people to equivalents of drugs, because: to understand drugs, one must understand the mind and the energetic requirements that are the actual driving forces in our reality – are we in control? Have we been the directive principle of ourselves? Never, we’ve always succumbed to the nice fluffy experiences even if it is obvious that such experience is based and founded upon abuse.

To me being able to understand this was also a like solving a mystery I could not fathom within myself: why do we always FALL for the same thing over and over again? Why do we Like self abuse? Why do we enroll ourselves in abusive situations and relationships even if there are options to not do so? The reality is that the physical as Life as who we really are would not make such decisions, it is the mind that is assessing how to maintain its constant energy fix through us participating in fixations in the mind. That’s it. Now, there is an entire mind-technology behind this all and you can for sure Educate yourself on how this all works within the Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews, as well as understanding the real forces that we’ve been living as till today, which are the actual evil in this world due to all energetic relationships are the result of separation, friction and conflict. This is how there can be no love as a bunch of butterflies in your stomach, there can be no happiness when it is stemming from the actual fear that one exists in the first place to seek the Posi+tive .

 

What does Jesus have to do within all of this – all the story is told here: The Crucifixion of Jesus to understand the relationship between the physical body and the mind and what the pinning of Jesus to the cross actually meant, which is at simple view the sacrifice of the physical body for the mind/god which is nothing else but the energy requiring machine. That’s what we’ve satisfied only: the Body, the physical flesh does Not require to ‘feel good’ to exist, in fact, Living is not about Feeling but about remaining Here as Breath – breath provides the necessary oxygen for all the nutrients to be absorbed by the physical body. I remember reading in the back of a Radiohead cd: Oxygen should be regarded as a drug and realized we had gone too far already with the entire drug culture point to the extent of making the air we breath another high – well, it keeps us alive and that’s what matters. Do we require more than that? We don’t, but who we are as the mind does.

 

This is how the cross + our seeking of the positive is the sacrifice we’re always inflicting upon ourselves as the physical, it’s like a battle between the light and the dark but everything’s been in reverse and the darkness represents the physical body, the substance, the life from which we all come from – the light is the mind, the system, the energy that dazzles our sight and is presented in all these beautiful /positive forms while ignoring the actual processes that are existent behind any form of energetic experience – whether positive or negative – same point – because both positive and negative signify poles of the same thing which is Energy. Therefore, we can see that the real problem here is all that we’ve done to ourselves in the name of Energy, The Mind, Consciousness acting as a parasite on the physical. 

 

To learn more about this existential explanation of who we are as the mind as consciousness, read Heaven’s Journey To Life where the road to the physical is essentially stopping feeding our obsessions and abuse toward the physical and BE in and as the physical body, participating in our physical reality supporting each other to step out of the same fascinations and turn this world into a rehab center, if you will, an educational one where we are not seeing each other as sinners any longer seeking for bits of heaven, but as individuals that understand how this is a decision that must be made in absolute self awareness of what we are doing to ourselves and the actions that we have to correct within us at an individual level to stop existing as/ supporting only the energy consuming machine that we’ve become as our mind only.

 

 

This is a general background to understand why and how we have turned our reality into an energy source for ourselves as mind-machines being willing to do anything to get our fix: this entire reality as the world system is working the exact same way and based upon the exact same principles I’ve described above, and who’s benefitting from it? Only the system in itself, not even human beings in positions of power are being benefitted from this process wherein we have all ‘played our part’ and unless we stop role-playing, we’ll probably continue this game until there are no more roles to play, as there will be nothing else to buy/consume for our satisfaction.

.Now you understand a bit more of what the cruci-fix-ion is about within this context, fixating on energy in which ever form you wish, we are all addicts and certainly not proud of it as this world is the result of every single bit of want, need and desire that stemmed from our mind that only seeks to benefit itself, never life, never the physical: we are the ones that must change the way reality, our physical body and this entire world system functions. There is no Jesus coming to save us, that’s for sure.

I extended the ‘introduction’ but, it’s necessary to have context to understand addictions and all types of fixations before we commit ourselves to stop – Why would I want to stop that which makes me ‘feel great’? Because that which apparently makes me ‘feel great’ for a few hours, minutes becomes the most enslaving experience that one can be constantly existing as, which is only existing as a mind in tunnel vision fixating on wanting, needing and desiring to get this/that in order to apparently feel fine – but, as Marduk explained: once we get it, we realize something: we really didn’t want it anyways, it was just the experience of Wanting it that which kept us always hooked on the same thoughts, feelings in our mind.

That’s not living.

Next post: Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application on the basics to walk this self-commitment to stop participating in energy of the mind and what that entails.

 

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October 15, 2012

183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control

By Marlen

 

Positive Experience Reactions upon the Positive Backchat within the Procrastination Character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to doing only that which I ‘like’ doing and that which ‘communes’ with my self-religion of self interest wherein all the activities that are related to me doing something that is not necessarily ‘enjoyable’ but necessary as I realize that within this, I have been used to always doing that which I am benefitted by within a positive experience, which is how I have made of my habits something that is in accordance to that which makes me ‘feel good’ and within this, creating an entire value scheme of positive and negative wherein I have things that I ‘like’ doing and things that I ‘dislike’ doing, which was the sole purpose of the existence of emotions and feelings really – (Suggest to listen to Reptilians – Where does Relationships come from – Part 40 for further reference and understanding on what emotions and feelings are)

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself about doing something that I would rather like to do instead of the task at hand, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the mere resistance and judgment toward that which I ‘don’t want to do, only exists at the level of my perception as the relationship created toward that point/ activity/ task based on me having a positive or negative experience toward it, instead of realizing that aligning myself to the physical reality implies not creating an energetic experience toward the tasks/ activities and responsibilities that must be done in order to walk ourselves out of the inner conflict of like and dislike and focus on the actual doing of the task, breath by breath to support myself to walk through the energetic drive that longs for some type of energetic fix o continue doing, which is not necessary to move physically.

 

I commit myself to stop creating energetic experiences of positive and negative toward the activities that I have to do on a daily basis as I see, realize and understand that emotions and feelings were only created for the purpose of instigating inner conflict and further separation through specialization and dislike that I have imprinted as the relationships formed with people as either positive o negative – the same with activities, things, environments which are only ‘here’ to further upgrade the ‘who I am’ as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physical reality.

 

I realize that the moment that I allow myself to create a judgment toward something or someone, I am defining/ limiting/ enslaving myself to my own created relationship which implies complying to my own energetic experience when believing that such task in itself is either preferred/ not preferred to do, based on my own beliefs, perceptions, value systems according to that which I react to in a positive or negative way, which in all cases indicates that If  I react in any way, I am still existing as a mind system of limitations. Therefore instead, I assist and support myself to walk my equalization as the physical taking into consideration the physical practicality of the task to be done and that which I require in order to accomplish it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own mind control when it comes to having a preference toward particular tasks and having a dislike or a negative experience toward other tasks and justifying that with me simply ‘preferring to do something else’ which is indicating that I am not making a self-directive decision, but that it is stemming from my own created value-system of likes and dislikes and preferences that in no way assist and support me to expand as I see and realize that relationships based on energy in fact separate ourselves from who we really are.  In this –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a positive way when backchatting myself in order to go out for a walk/ rather work on other tasks that I prefer doing, which is a way to get myself out of the sudden ‘heaviness’ experienced when realizing that I have to work on my task, and within this, allowing myself to immediate go into the positive-sphere of my experience, overcoming it with the idea of waiting for the moment to go out for a walk, not having enough time till then and as such, actually making the decision to not work on my task as I would rather wait to go outside doing ‘something else’ which is how I eventually end up postponing my self direction, because of giving into the preference which is not even an entire ‘excitement’ any longer, but more of a steadfastness that I haven’t allow myself to expand toward all areas of my doings.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive reaction toward the idea of me instead of spending time working on my task, I rather do his ‘other tasks’ that I prefer doing – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am not the one making the decision, but who I am as the energetic possession that seeks to satisfy itself in order to continue con-trolling my own self direction – which is me in all cases – wherein I realize that it is only me in one moment of breath that can decide not to give into the mind-experience that I ‘prefer’ but instead, act in common sense and doing that which I have to do as part of my responsibilities within this world.

I commit myself to stop enticing me to do something based on preference, but simply in that moment see the development of the event until that point of seducing me to do that ‘other thing’ I would rather do instead of dedicating time to this assignment and then live the decision of working and doing what is required to be done – which means that all positive aspects of the ‘option’ to take are to be seen as my own deceptive means in which I have created a positive experience toward others/ things/ events/ scenarios and have created a negative experience toward that which I see and realize is what enables us to expand, grow and walk through the initial limits and our ‘comfort zone’ that we are so used to remaining in.

Within this I also realize that one of the reasons why responsibility was feared or disliked is a deliberate obstacle in/as the mind as who we are in the mind will always seek for the positive experience as ‘the candy’ that will support its continuation and within that, creating the opposite in order to have something to create a ‘better experience’ in contrast, which can only exist if we hold and create definitions toward our world and reality.

I realize that Responsibility is a key word to live as the ability to expand and grow within our reality and that it has been broadly evaded deliberately to create a common-laxity at a social level wherein the more we are entertained only with our satisfaction as wants, needs and desires, the less attention we pay toward the actual ‘workings’ of the system and the actual reality that is going on day by day wherein it is because of the sum of all our procrastination to get to do things that are to our own benefit as humanity, the less we create solutions, because we are being part of the fuel of the problems and the problem itself – hence we must create the solutions.

Thus within this, I see and realize that even if I see this point of doing a particular tasks something ‘isolated’ from my responsibility to the  whole, it implies that I am really not living unconditionally applying myself in all aspects of my reality and as such, it Is relevant and important as we are all as  humanity within this procrastination creating a reality of mediocrity which is what I have judged before and that which I am going into the moment that I participate in a positive feeling experience in ‘doing something else’  that is most likely time consuming, life consuming and entertainment/ diversion point that most of the times doesn’t benefit myself and my process.

 

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July 26, 2011

Self Will: If I don’t move … Nothing Moves

By Marlen

Self Will is something that I’ve been looking at for the past week.

From the system’s perspective, Will stands as a point of expression in the future or the ability to express in relation to desires, needs, behavior etc. – all of that is actually the will of the mind that exists as all those desires, wants and the simple form of being‘willing’ to do something which entails a point of compromise/ commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘will’ in relation to compromising myself which is a word in itself that I have placed as something to ‘fear’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear committing myself/ compromising’ because of the idea of losing a perceived ‘freedom’ when compromising and committing myself to something.
See, Self Righteousness stands as the ego of the mind wherein we are wanting to have the ‘free-will’ to do something – that is in relation to this ability to express ‘whatever we want to be/ become’ according to a perceived ability to actually ‘choose’ in the first place. Lol we can see how it is in essence one of the pillars that keeps this entire ego-trip in place wherein ‘One’s Will’ is apparently immovable and unstoppable and infallible – this is how we as the mind make sure that we keep our feet on the ground of our personality and sake of individualism.

This point of Self Righteousness stands on the way of what’s best for all because it’s simple, what’s best for all is not looked at when making decisions, when acting or speaking – that’s how we usually walk in this world as Self Righteous beings following our own ‘nature’ as our own self-created religion of ‘who we are’ as the Mind construction.

Hence, what does SELF Will entail? When we understand that willing yourself is not something that must come out as an energetic movement done for the sake of something/someone out there or for achieving ‘something’ or ‘becoming more’, we are then faced with that Will which stands devoid of any exterior motivations to be expressed.

So, let’s recap: Will as it’s currently understood in the system stands as a point of energetic-movement to achieve, complete, satisfy, express towards something and someone based on a starting point of separation as it is not an actual self-movement but created as an obligation, sounds like something could be forced within that – So within this process of walking the words as ourselves, living the words I’ve realized and literally had to bring that point of Self Will as an actual living.

Whenever we see ourselves being motivated by an exterior point, we can simply use it as a temporary bridge to motivate ourselves, to push ourselves for the first time to do something. I can see this is how I began this process – still having ideas of becoming ‘better’ or ‘more’ in the sense of being more ‘alive’ or possibly obtaining ‘something’ out of it – yet at this stage, I have placed myself to stop any idea or exterior motivation to do things, to move, to express – what happened? I created a point of stagnation lol because it’s obvious that If I don’t move, Nothing moves.

So getting back to the point of Self Will – Self is Here as we are Here as all as one and equal – this is now talking from the perspective of realizing who we really are and then walking the point to live that as ourselves WITHIN this reality which is the ‘tricky’ point so to speak and I’ll explain why.

If I see that all that I had willed myself to do came from a separate point of who I really am here, and was ultimately motivated by all types of needs or desires and even dreams of being/ becoming something, I have to then stop acting and participating on such energetic-movements as what I had perceived ‘my will’ to be and bring it back to Self.

Self is Here as everything and all that exists Here – Self is what we can call Life – what is actually Here beyond all these pictures and reality that we are currently living as, it’s the all-existence of ourselves, the totality of ourselves, that which exists beyond what my frame-of-mind could perceive and define myself to be – it’s something ‘unknown’ as it cannot be diminished to knowledge, man! that would be great arrogance – So, Life is Here. I am Here – What is Self Will

Self Will stands as the Expression of Life itself – The Will of Self is the Will of Expressing Life

Now, I was in quite a state of hereness when realizing this – it sounds ‘profound’ yet we have to place it into the context of practical living reality.

Life is currently not being expressed, Life is not being even considered as ‘who we really are’ – it’s as a simple fuckup as that, it’s definitely daunting that we’ve never actually considered ourselves as Life before – but anyways, we’re here and we continue walking what’s here. So, the current process that we’re walking is to actually live and express as Life – that also sounds cool but getting to actually live it entails the walking of this process with all the ways of looking for ourselves how it is that we can practically LIVE and begin actually Living in this world which would be supporting ourselves and everything that is here equally as Self as Life.

Therefore, Self Will as Life as the process I am walking means me actually stopping being sedated and suppressed as Life by the mind and all mind-possessions I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become to actually in-fact stand here as the Expression of Life which is the Will of Self as Life –

In the most simple terms this would mean at this stage realizing that breathing is the point that indicates and reassure We Are Here, we are Breathing, we are Alive yet we are not Living which would be the actual living-expressing in Equality as who we really are.

Hence we HAVE TO deliberately become that Self Will of Life as that which is best for all at a physical-tangible living reality. See, this is the deception many ‘masters’ got caught in, believing that only because they had understood themselves as being ‘One’ and believing in Oneness it was all that was required – nope, we see that, we realize that as it is quite obvious that we’re all here and that we’ve always been here no matter what form or way – though, we see that the world is currently dysfunctional due to the series of acceptances and allowances that we’ve created which are broadly explained in detail throughout the Desteni Material. This is how and why reading and applying the tools become the process of actually learning how to stand as Self-Will, as this is the very first time in our reality that we have the opportunity to stand up for that which we’ve missed all the way as ourselves: Life in Equality HERE at all levels.

Standing up as Life as Self is the fullest potential I/Self as one and Equal can be

 

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Desteni, Self Will, Writing Yourself to Freedom

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