Tag Archives: selflessness

572. Selfishness and Equilibrium in Self Creation

Or redefining selfishness

I am looking at this word with the purpose of practically using it as a way to integrate ‘me-time’ and self-consideration when it comes to day to day living activities where, as I’ve explained in the past, I’ve had a tendency to put-off everything that had to do with ‘me-time’ and self-enjoyment time and instead geared myself with the idea of ‘always having to be doing something I’d define as productive, of use to others, of benefit to others’ and in that, create certain satisfaction of yes ‘producing something’ that to my eyes and consideration is of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ based on the support It could directly provide to others, but in this, I was at the same time neglecting this me-time where I can in fact disconnect from everything/everyone and as this awesome recording Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155 explains, have this time where one does something for oneself, for one’s enjoyment at least for an hour every day.

I’ve walked in a way quite a process with this, because I’ve made it a habit to go walking on almost a daily basis for almost a decade now and I’ve defined that as the ‘me time’ where I go out for more than an hour and get away from computer and my usual environment where I created that deliberately notion of ‘I have to be doing something’, which has been supportive over time and an enjoyable time.

However, there were other hobbies and things I previously enjoyed doing that I completely put off and stopped doing altogether, like arts – painting, drawing, photography – because of defining it as something ‘selfish to do’ because I deemed it as ‘not useful for anyone’ as in ‘benefitting them in their life and process’ which was the kind of logic that I’ve used for quite some time to constantly decide and assess what I ‘should be doing’ and in that, I definitely refrained myself many times from actually doing what I’ve naturally enjoyed doing for myself before, including reading, playing music which I have to be quite honest I haven’t done in a very long time.

To me this denial of doing that which I enjoyed became a definition of a ‘virtue’ as I explained in previous blogs, and in that believing that this was part of the process, to stop doing that which would give me some kind of enjoyment or personal satisfaction and only focus on that which ‘benefits everyone else’ in one way or another. However this is only at a mind level, because I definitely not only did that with my time in reality, I could have easily integrated this ‘me time’ or ‘selfish time’ while continuing doing what I was focusing on at the time in the past, but in my absolutism, extremism and ‘black or white’ mentality, I tended to completely ‘cut my arm off’ and believe that I just could not give me the time to do something that I judged in one way or another as ‘selfish to do.’

Now, where did notion of ‘having to deny to myself’ doing that which I would naturally enjoy doing and that I had judged as ‘unproductive, useless, good for no one’ led me? Well, it was leading me to a reality of not building anything for/as myself that I could genuinely call ‘me’ and ‘for myself’ entirely, in a way having this ‘selfish activity’ where I can not only enjoy myself but actually support me to transcend all of the judgments, denials, ideas, beliefs and even self-doubt and giving up experiences that I’ve imposed onto something as seemingly ‘simple’ as painting or doing any form of artwork.

So, it is so as the audio I mentioned above explains on how in only focusing on one’s work/responsibilities, on what we have to constantly be doing ‘for others,’ and not taking time for oneself,  one is actually missing out on oneself, not really getting in contact with who we are, what we want to do and in fact see what is it that I have left ‘behind’ in this notion that ‘I cannot be selfish with my time’ and have denied myself to do that I in fact enjoy and assists me the most in developing my creative potential as a person, learn more about myself and even assists me in expanding and growing, which I had completely forgotten about myself how dedicate and detailed I can be when doing something that I am enjoying to give shape to : )

Interestingly enough I had not entirely seen how my idea of giving up something ‘selfish’ was in fact also due to the various patterns that emerge within me when having a ‘blank slate’ and create something in the moment, which even as I write this there is this very slight movement that I feel on my forearms, almost like a physical remembrance of how I have to dare and make decisions to move, to do, to create something while facing the inner judge  where I would constantly say ‘no’ to what I defined as my ‘selfish desires’ and instead direct me to do something that I defined as more productive, of support for others, advancing work/responsibilities, etc.

So the consequences of not giving myself this ‘selfish time’ so to speak is, as I’ve been explaining before, that I did get to a point of feeling like there is something ‘missing’ in it all. One can be a very ‘responsible’ person for something set that we have to do on a daily basis, but one is not really developing, growing and expanding out of one’s comfort zone which becomes work, responsibilities, and the ‘daily tasks’ that are constant or ‘always the same,’ which leads to a dissatisfaction about one’s life with an experience of lostness of ‘where am I within this whole equation? Where am I going with my life? What is it that I am creating for me, for myself, that I enjoy and that is not related to constantly doing it ‘for money/ for others’? And that’s how I opened up the point of doing art again, because of the ‘conflictive’ relationship I had created towards it within myself based on this morality-eye of it being something ‘selfish’ for me to do, almost existing in a denial of enjoyment, of having this thing that I do for, as and by myself.

Another example is I thoroughly enjoy putting jigsaw puzzles together. In past years I’ve done quite a few, thousands of pieces etc. yet, I started judging it as ‘a waste of time,’ as something that is ‘insignificant to do’ or that doesn’t ‘benefit anyone else,’ and in that, have stopped making them, except for a time when I got sick some 4 years ago where I was ‘ordered by doctor’ to rest more, which was also the result of me taking a sudden leap of ‘taking responsibility’ for something in an attempt to ‘direct the ship’ in an unprecedented situation so to speak, which over time ‘led me’ but in fact ‘I led myself to’ have a form of burnout manifested in my physical body in quite an obvious manner. So that’s the time I last made a puzzle… so! should I wait to get sick again and be ‘ordered to take some rest’ to then ‘give me the permission’ to do something I enjoy/for fun? Hell no. It might not be ‘puzzles’ right now, but it sure can be something else that I enjoyed.

This also leads me to touch on the word ‘leisure’ as well because I’ve had a ‘no go’ relationship to this word where the notion of ‘taking time off’ or ‘vacation’ sounds good but it’s never a ‘full disconnect’ for me, and it hasn’t been that way for many, many years, probably 7 years where I had restrained access to internet in order to fully disconnect from everything. And, I discovered that’s where I then focused more on my relationships with people, on enjoying the moments with ‘doing nothing’ or watching others’ lives go by and what did I naturally geared myself to? Photography. Yet at the time, there was a constant nagging thought of ‘all the work/responsibilities I’m missing out on right now’ and ‘all that I will eventually have to catch up to’ which became a form of ‘anxiety,’ which is not cool at all. I mean, if it’s vacation, it should be full vacation, completely disconnecting, and I’ve sort of tested that recently though not fully to the point of not seeing my cellphone in one entire day. Not sure that will be possible either, or at least that’s what I think at the moment, yet even if it’s not a possibility for me to ‘fully disconnect’ for some time, it can be done for a couple of hours a day and stop having this ‘work, work, work’ mentality as well, which is in a way out of a judgment and fear of ‘not being productive,’ of not doing ‘something supportive for others’ or fearing ‘being irresponsible’ in the day and in that of course implying that I’ve valued what I do and am based on how it ‘relates to others,’ instead of entirely doing it for me, as myself, my decision, my responsibility and point of accountability, which is quite different than placing ‘others’ as ‘my reason for being/doing/living.’

What I just explained is the ‘selflessness’ that I have to turn into a form of practical and moderate selfishness of course – not going into the extreme – where the principle as Bernard Poolman once shared – paraphrasing – “if you are best for you, then you are best for all” which I ‘thought’ I was doing and living already, but it takes one good look at oneself to see how much I was denying, refraining or judging myself for doing it based on seeing it through the eyes of ‘selfishness’ while at the same time covering up the actual ‘uncharted territory’ that having this me-time in fact implies as an opportunity for self-creation in whichever way I decide it to be.

What does living a practical and considerate form of selfishness as ‘me time’ or ‘living for and as myself’ mean? Two things for me:  I have to be the starting point and origin of everything I do, to stop doing things based on morality of what’s ‘good for others’ and what’s ‘useless for others’ and secondly, make a self-honest decision about how I decide to spend my time, to distribute my responsibilities throughout the day in a way where I can also ensure I give me some ‘me time’ to do what is now a form of hobby yet also ‘work’ at the same time, and stop having what I believe are ‘others eyes’ on top of that, because it’s really only been myself and my own judgments towards doing something ‘for me’ that have limited my ability to actually do it, and nope this is not a self-victimization point because I am fully aware how I did this entirely for myself, ever since I was a little girl, having this ‘duty’ mindset as my own policeman in the head, lol which proves how I had to make of ‘school work’ also art work in order to feel responsible AND creative at the same time! LOL! That’s why I didn’t have an issue with ‘how I would spend my time’ back then because I linked both ‘responsibility’ and ‘hobby’ in one, which matched my workaholic personality,  yet I don’t need to place myself ‘in school’ to do the same and I’ve been implementing this for the past weeks with cool results in my scheduling.

This is another way of looking at living creative authority, where I decide to make changes in how I approach my life, my time, my responsibilities, my ‘me time’ and see how I do/how it goes as I implement and live these changes on a daily basis.

Sure, there are some changes on how I approach things thus far, a bit less with a rush of having to be ‘on top of all things’ and whenever I get to still do that, I am learning to check with myself to see if I am pressuring myself, to the point of ‘sacrificing’ something that I ‘really wanted to do for myself’ for the sake of ‘fulfilling’ certain ideas of myself through stuff/things that I would usually do, which I also know as a somewhat former ‘workaholic’ it becomes a very ‘justifiable’ comfort zone to not be with ourselves, learn to enjoy ourselves, discover who we are when having this ‘free time’ and our creative abilities in whichever way they exist in each one of us, because that’s what has been challenging to me, and to stop the ‘dutiful’ mindset in the midst of it all, therefore that’s a current walking process for me.

What have I found in this relative ‘short’ time of giving myself more time ‘for me’ is that there is a lively spark emerging in me, based on having a reconciliation with doing arts and creating a project for it in the long run, which is certainly something that I vaguely had ‘in mind’ since the beginning of the year, but now it’s definitely a more settled and ongoing path which required me to get things going in all practical ways, from making the space to do art and then actually taking the time of the day for it, which is great so far. Now! The point is to diversify it because, as I explained, I can become artsy workaholic LOL so, I’ll look at integrating other different things to do for myself, which is a walking process as I speak. 

Now what does that mean if I become best for me as a fulfilled individual that is not only taking responsibility for things, tasks, commitments ‘as usual’ but also takes the time for personal recreation and leisure and self-enjoyment? Well that’s definitely the kind of life that I consider we should all have where there’s an equilibrium in doing what we ‘have to do’ based on yes living in a survival system, requiring money and the rest of it – and also giving oneself this me-time which definitely assists in placing our lives/our ways/our paths into perspective and leaves space for creation, self-creation, creativity, recreation – whichever way it can be placed – which is a regenerative process as I see it, very necessary to be in fact self-satisfied, which will prevent me from getting to a point in life where I’m bitter, dissatisfied and believing I’ve done ‘so much for others’ but not really living my life for and as myself.

So! I prevent myself from doing that from here on and create an equilibrium in my day to day living, which means I become a ‘healthy’ person that is living in a world of yes responsibilities, tasks, commitments and ‘selfish time’ or ‘me time’, where I am a part of the whole that lives according to what I consider is suitable, healthy, balanced and enjoyable for/as life itself in this reality.  

Thanks for reading.

 Artwork002 color

                                                         

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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570. I Matter and Selflessness

Or debunking the notion that ‘I had to suffer’ in order to create a change in the world

selfless

n   adjective concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one’s own.

 

‘I Matter’ came at a timely moment where I had been in a way ‘breaking through’ this very ingrained pattern of ‘being there more for others than myself’ at least in my mind and in my approach to every single moment of my day where, the moment that I stepped out of my usual routine, I got to experience this idea of me possibly doing something ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ because of not doing some usual things that are mostly destined – in my mind and how I would approach it – ‘to and for others’. Now, it wasn’t like I was going to stop doing them altogether, but simply taking some time ‘off’ enabled me to see what kind of fears and judgments emerged in relation to ‘my role towards others’ and seeing that idea of myself as this ‘example for others’ threatened by me not being consistent with something as simple as posting a blog and of course within this context of ‘walking process’ which then makes it more of a mandatory activity or ‘religious habit’ than an actual self-support point, which I definitely challenged throughout that time to see what ‘remains’ of me if I don’t do what I would set myself to do on a daily basis, which I had defined more as ‘doing it for others’ than ‘doing it for myself,’ which is what I am working on redefining and aligning within me.

So, what this enabled me to see is that there is/was a dimension of motivation through this ‘role’ that I took on within myself where I had to be consistent ‘at the eyes of others’ or ‘for others’ or ‘to be an example for others’ and through that, continuing validating myself, continuing to exist in ‘my place in the world’ so to speak defined by what I believe is relevant of my doings ‘towards others/ for others’ only, and that’s what I had to open up in relation to this word ‘selfless’ and how I had lived that word throughout my life.

How I noticed this pattern is also when being in the context of ‘taking some time off’ and at times not being able to fully ‘let go’ of myself and stopping judging the world as ‘unjust or unfair,’ being more concerned with the lack and suffering of others I’d see around me – or what I believe is their suffering – which invariably would affect me at some level as well, and in that going into a slight ‘sinking’ experience of me not doing anything about it which translates into a form of ‘guilt’ and at times ‘shame’ for having the opportunity to take some time off, enjoy myself and let go of my day to day routine for some time which surely enough, not everyone in this world has a luxury to have, however if I continue comparing what I have and what others don’t have every single moment of my day, I’ll only continue torturing myself to death and at the same time this comparison doesn’t sort out a thing in relation to other’s livelihood and reality.

I also got to understand that when I get to have such opportunity to ‘take some time off’ existing in guilt, embarrassment, shame, remorse or any other form of judgment is not going to change other people’s reality and context and instead, I end up affecting myself with constantly seeing ‘everything that’s wrong’ in the world which leads me nowhere in that moment, because I cannot practically ‘change’ people’s livelihood situation such as poverty, misery or suffering by me feeling ‘compassion’ towards them in a form of suffering, guilt or shame. And that’s more or less what had been a constant in my life up to this point, where I believed that I had to be selfless, to fully and totally focus on others and seeing this as a virtue – but is it really?

It is ok to consider others sure and not live only in a ‘me, me, me’ bubble all the time, but not to the extreme of allowing myself to be emotionally affected by others’ lives/experiences and having a twisted belief that ‘I should suffer’ in some way to create a form of again twisted ‘solidarity’ towards them. This practically meant in my mind and life having to avoid self-enjoyment, not giving myself ‘time off’ from my day to day routine, choosing to live at times in quite uncomfortable situations and environments within the belief that ‘If others can live like this, then I should as well’ and believing that through doing this I was being ‘more equal to’ the majority of the world, the ‘reality’ of this world – no different to people that decide to recluse themselves in a monastery and go at times without eating or enduring physical pains in order to reach some kind of ‘holiness.’

All of this is part of the same design and construct of being ‘morally upright’ and believing that I could lead a life to ‘teach others’ how to ‘consider others’ and in that, live an austere life because apparently that would make me ‘holier than thou’ lol – or in my particular construct ‘more equal to others,’ at times renouncing to points of luxury because of perceiving that I’d do more harm than good with them. Anyways, the examples could go on and on within this particular construct and no, it’s not about me going to the opposite extreme now, but surely it is about stopping my own constant judgment and comparison of everything that relates to, in essence, money and the comforts or disadvantages that lacking money brings in a person’s life or my own.

Therefore, I realized how through constantly focusing on others’ needs and constantly seeking out to find the ‘suffering’ in others, the ‘lack’, seeing only ‘the problems,’ I became the problem myself to a certain extent, seeing no way out in this world, seeing only problems, becoming emotionally affected by it and all, without seeing how this is in fact self-interest, because I cannot practically change anyone’s life by suffering ‘with them,’ or by ‘feeling sorry for them’ or commiserating with them, I only keep becoming ‘the problem’ myself by only feeling ‘bad’ about it all but doing nothing for myself, for my own life and through that to that of others in a practical manner.

What does this practically imply? I have to stop recreating and existing in any form of guilt within seeing the systemic problems we have created in this world. Stop existing in a form of ‘depression’, ‘sadness’, ‘shame’ or even ‘anger’ upon witnessing the reality of those that don’t have a comfortable economic position in this world, because my emotions won’t ever sort out their position, their situation, ever. And this then at the same time means that I have to embrace what I have, what I can live, do, express, expand on for and as myself. To no longer believe that I had to ‘diminish’ myself because ‘oh others are suffering in this world’ which as ludicrous as it may sound, I was in fact functioning within such mentality, which dare I say becomes also a comfortable excuse to appear to be ‘selfless’ and ‘benevolent’ at the eyes of others or doing ‘supportive stuff’ for others, but not really doing something substantial for ourselves, our lives, our experience, our actual living potential as ‘I Matter.’

What can I instead do? Is realizing first and foremost that ‘I Matter’ and that I have to stop focusing so much on ‘the world’ and ‘others’ needs’ and trying to be Mother Theresa in whichever way I was attempting to be ‘for others’ and become a bit more selfish in a supportive manner, focusing on what I can in fact do, develop and be for and by myself, which interestingly enough I had judged to do for such a long time because ‘it doesn’t benefit others directly!’ apparently, but! I had not considered that dimension of understanding ‘I Matter’ and what this in fact means in our relationship to who we are, what we are, what we can be and become and create in our lives and world, how it is in the very relationships that we create, on our day to day actions or inactions that we in fact can create an impact in this world! Not through me believing I am ‘caring for others’ by only worrying about them and denying my own self enjoyment and self-expression through a form of guilt or shame disguised as vows of ‘austerity’ and ‘compassion’ – that’s never going to lead me anywhere but to a suppressed self-expression disguised as selflessness, benevolence, a form of ‘sainthood’ that in the long run, would have turned me into a very bitter, frustrated, envious, regretful individual that would place ‘What I’ve done for others’ as a form of spite against the world.

I’ve definitely known people like that and it is very hard to deal with them, because the whole point of ‘doing things for others’ becomes an apparent ‘benevolent excuse’ to be spiteful, to be jealous, to judge others, to compare what ‘one has done’ with what ‘others had done or haven’t done’ because it apparently creates a right to place oneself on a pedestal of ‘being good to others’ or ‘helping so many people in the world’ while actually – maybe and possibly – denying one’s own development of support, care, growth, expansion and expression within one’s own life.

So, I am at the same time grateful of having interacted with people that have such design and seeing firsthand how that ends up manifesting with decades of existing in such ‘sainthood’ or ‘selfless’ pattern at a later stage in their lives, so that I can see them as an example of what I have to change right now in my life, in my approach towards me and others, what it means to live the words ‘I Matter’ for me, as me, in what I do, what I create, who I am in supporting others’ and within that, letting go of creating a front of ‘serving others’ only as a primary definition of who I am, because as much as it might seem a ‘benevolent’ thing or beneficial for others, within this construct and not balancing it out with ‘I matter’ as self-care, self support, self recognition, self worth, doing it for me, it can become a time-bomb to create a life of dissatisfaction where one could eventually get to see that ‘all I’ve done has always been ‘for others’ and I forgot about myself in that’ which I consider would be something I’d end up regretting at the end of my life.

Therefore to me it’s time to focus on me, to learn to live the words ‘I Matter’ first and foremost, to let go of my subtle guilt trips or perceived ‘duties’ in relation to others and rather stand ‘alone’ in the sense of stopping having ‘others eyes on me’ in my mind, stand as who I am for and as myself and not within ‘who I am to others,’ which is the definition I have to now give back to myself entirely through self support, self worth, self dedication, self appreciation, living authority and leadership for and as myself – and walk the actuality of it in my day to day, to see how it works out. Who knows, maybe it is not ‘the right way,’ maybe it leads me to a ‘wrong path’ but that’s what I’ll find out for myself. So far it’s been quite liberating to see this construct within me and redefine the approach to my life, therefore I don’t claim to have any answers or ‘right paths,’ this is just what I’ll be living and testing out for myself and sharing it as part of walking this process of self-support and living words and placing the focus of purpose and what matters within my own life, within myself, as myself.

I’ll continue expanding on redefining some of the words that I’ve used to live through this construct of ‘moral uprightness’ or ‘sainthood’ or ‘serving others’ or ‘benevolence’ or whichever other name it can have, which I now see has been there for as long as I can remember in my life and for once and for all debunk the notion or idea of people with this construct as ‘good people’ or ‘exemplar’ because if we forget about ourselves in the equation, we are in fact doing a disservice to our own lives and becoming a charitable person, a ‘selfless person’ that is neglecting one’s own wellbeing, which is the same as dishonoring the matter, the life that we are in fact as ourselves.

So, time to get ‘back to self’ for me.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

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