Tag Archives: shared responsibility

626. The Freedom of Shared Responsibility

 

Here I share an update to my previous blog which will be my personal reflection and reading of a situation like this in the current world we are living in where social media has become in the individual press or medium of communication that enables us to create awareness of basically anything in our world, and at the same time consider the ‘greater scheme’ of how things that will emerge and will be coming through as scandals or online viperous content are also part of a very bumpy – yet necessary – ride to create further awareness of the effect that our actions have upon others, while also learning to discern what is truth and what isn’t based on facts and within that, learning to essentially stand in truth because nothing can distort that, because it is self-evident, and that’s essentially our real freedom, to own and take responsibility of our participation in the co-creation of reality and know ‘who we are’ within it all, so that one can then decide to change the ‘problematic’ actions and attitudes within myself  – that’s self-honesty to me.  

So, without giving too many details for obvious reasons, I was part of the conciliation process that took place in order to create a form of ‘justice’ to the person that felt aggravated by the actions of other people that were professionally involved with my partner. My partner faced his own ‘charges’ directly with the person that felt aggravated by him. To me it was quite an example of how one can be the living expression of ‘your truth sets you free’ because there was nothing to fear when you know exactly what you did, how you did it and the starting point of it. It took an apology to realize that his actions and words simply had an effect he had not considered could cause a negative reaction in the other person, and that was essentially about it. The whole ‘exacerbation’ of the situation essentially deflated when he decided to talk to the person face to face and clarify the situation. This involved the acknowledgement of making mistakes and how we can learn from it, how to change from now on.

The ability to come to an agreement exists when people are placed face to face to talk things out without having the ‘he/she said this/that’ over social media gossip only. The whole thing changes when you are there talking to the person that created a certain image of you online and start laying out the facts, recognize the mistakes, ask for forgiveness and move forward to create a peace arrangement, recognizing the responsibility on the ‘aggravator’ side in this case.

I personally tried to share the concept of shared responsibility where it always takes ‘two to tango’ in any situation, and how the person remained in such work relationship by their own choice. I was vehemently ‘shut down’ with my remark, because the whole set up was of having a victimhood and aggressor type of polarity in the conversation. This is one of those moments where I realized there was no opening to this kind of concepts when you have emotionally ‘enraged’ people and certain laws being used to treat a point of awareness of responsibility as ‘adding fuel to the fire.’ I had to keep quiet after that realizing I could stir up more conflict in a situation where conciliation was aimed to be made.

Here I’ll be sharing my perspectives on what I’ve observed not only first hand from this situation, but also in the context of what’s going on in the world in the realm of ‘political correctness’ and all of these attempts to ‘make people pay’ for past situations where people that felt aggravated didn’t speak up – or where people are currently taking offense much easier than before, where even now trying to make a simple joke can give you labels of the worst kind, where even mentioning a word has led people to lose their jobs as CEO’s of big corporations, comics have been kicked out of colleges for ‘telling the wrong jokes,’ and world leaders are being a constant source of internet bullying because of not providing a ‘politically correct’ view of people… and the list goes infamously on. That simply shows ‘where we are’ as humanity, that’s our current mirror.

I’ve mostly been observing and seeing what the ‘climate’ of all of these accusations, ‘revelations’ and ‘me too’ movements have created and have become. Each person has the ability to use their words and the media of their choice to say what they feel they ‘have a right’ to say. The problem is we don’t consider our responsibility in it all and the way that we affect each other, and at the same time how to learn and realize that no one can make you feel bad, feel less, feel down, feel offended unless one allows it or unless one ‘identifies’ with certain ‘label’ or word that may trigger an emotional reaction in us. That is part of this process as well where I’ve learned to see where and how I used to identify with certain judgments – essentially standing as Self-Judgment – and from there realize that any reaction I get from anyone ‘calling me that’ is simply because I accept and allow such word and a reaction to it to exist within me. I know it sounds difficult to do, but it’s work that’s worth doing for the sake of personal growth and change.

Currently writing or saying something about ‘taking responsibility’ on the side of the ‘offended’ one becomes outrageous in a climate like the one we are living ‘out there’ where people are deciding it’s quite easy to accuse and become a victim – and in that blindly supporting the victims – which is why the world is becoming the kind of ‘you said he said’ circus of misinformation and gossip that are dividing people more and more.

It seems ‘easier’ for some to not create any form of awareness of responsibility or perhaps not even deciding to consider it because it basically would destroy every single accusation or offense claim done, because one would realize ‘whatever I feel or experience from these words, I create within me, no one else can get inside my head to cause me to feel bad about it.’ But these seem to be still ‘superhero’ concepts as in them being ‘out of reach’ of any regular human being, when they are not, we are doing it as well in this process at Desteni. This doesn’t mean that some people may in fact want to inflict abuse, harm or extortion on others, that definitely does exist as well, but then it takes us to another reading, to understand how a person came to be the kind that would want to deliberately harm, abuse or vex others. That is also something that can be understood to take responsibility  – as in assisting to change it within self – and forgive it, not taking it personally and creating more problems about it. Sometimes simply talking to the person to know ‘who they are’ leads us to understand why they do certain things, and this also assists in realizing one cannot take personally others’ wrongdoings either. But this is also part of this process where one willingly decides to live the word Understanding, rather than going through the seemingly ‘easy’ path of blame and victimhood.  

So unless the person is devoid of all of their mental and physical capacity to think for themselves, every single person that stands in any form of victimhood needs to assess this first point of responsibility: how did I come to create, accept and allow this in my life and reality? What kind of steps, decisions and choices did I make to get to where I am currently? This is one of the main things that have made me a ‘freer’ person. I’ve written in countless blogs how I used to stand in blame towards every single human – hypothetically speaking – for ‘how fucked up we are as humanity’ and how I saw no way out other than completely ignoring the world – well, trying to – but ending up with a very pessimistic and nihilistic view about life and of any future for ourselves.  This led me to feel anger, resentment and feel completely disempowered to change anything, because I kept blaming the world system, ‘those in power,’ those that apparently made all the ‘wrong choices’ that affected my life and those around me.

Deciding to step outside of victimhood and blame is genuinely empowering and this was only possible due to studying the Eqafe.com material where I truly got to understand the ‘greater’ picture, and I mean ‘greater’ as in existential-level greater, where I got to grasp that any form of abuse is always Self-Abuse, because we are all in fact one and equal, and this is not in the nice and fluffy sense that some aspects of spirituality or religion portray, but this is at a matter level, where we are truly one and the same, we have just separated ourselves into oblivion, not only as individuals, but even within ourselves where we have our mind, our being and our body separated ‘within ourselves’ which is why we don’t realize what we were – and have been – doing ‘it’ to ourselves all along, which is self-evident now that we witness the truth and reality we are in.

Even though a lot of ‘shit’ seems to be hitting the fan, and cans of worms seem to be opening up everywhere – which is something we also knew would Have to happen in order for the old to go and the new to emerge – there are also great things happening in the realm of ‘waking up’ and taking more responsibility and creating more awareness of who we really are, and that’s also why some events are causing the scandals we are now seeing in the media or on social media every single day, people coming up with past stuff to blame people and in a way believe that it is that way to create any form of solution to the problems, when it is genuinely not and it is causing much more harm, violence, defamation and unnecessary paranoia around it. However all in all, it does serve as a point of awareness to the kind of abuses, harm, violations to life that exist which are things that have been kept ‘inside’ each person throughout human history.

We just now happen to have things like Facebook, Twitter and other places where each one can share themselves to whichever intent. But in all of such expressions of accusations, I haven’t yet read or seen one single person admitting to have placed themselves in such positions to be on the ‘receiving’ end of any form of abuse. And it is rare at the same time to find people that assume full responsibility for their aggravations without fear, understanding the situation and committing to change themselves for the best. I personally am fond of my partner for being one of them and serves as a great example of how things can be sorted with self responsibility, and how there’s nothing to fear when you know exactly ‘what you did’ and why you did it.

As a side note, it was also interesting to see how a publication with ‘scandalous’ content got shared thousands of times and commented on endlessly, while another publication with a signed agreement of conciliation of peace between the involved parties got only ‘a few likes’ and a few comments of approval. It does reveal a lot ‘where we are’ as a society and this has saddened some of my friends, but, I stick to the point of seeing the greater picture of not taking it personally but move on with the solutions as planned, because I know that falling into despair is just another outflow of reaction that leads nowhere but personal disempowerment, thus, we need to acknowledge, understand and move on standing clear on it, even being willing to support others that may be affected by similar situations which is something that I am open to do as well.

I initially also felt limited or ‘violated’ in my right to speak about shared responsibility in such conciliation process, because I was essentially told to ‘shut up’ or I could aggravate the situation. That’s a moment where I had to see my reaction coming up and decide to slow down and take one step back, breathe and realize that there are and possibly will be situations where the actual truth of the facts cannot be fully embraced or even mentioned, because there are factions that are completely entrenched in a sense of entitlement  that prevents them from hearing any form of common sensical approach to a situation such as where the two parts are considered as co-creators of a situation. It was baffling to me, but in that moment I realized that I could indeed do more harm than ‘good’ by trying to ‘create awareness’ about something that could destroy a ‘conciliatory’ process in the making. What I did instead after the whole more ‘serious’ part of the conciliatory process was done is to extend a hand of support for the person that was aggravated, to share how I do this as part of my living and how I am interested in people’s wellbeing regardless of anything. So that’s where I decided to stand in relation to ‘the other side’ for the sake of giving a name here, it was my way of living forgiveness in that simple moment as well.

This I share as well as a cautionary tale, where one needs to learn how to read the matrix so to speak, the context of the situation, the political and social ideas behind these kind of accusations, the laws and how the people on the victim-stance are expressing – such as if they are enraged, angry, nervous, etc. Because then it is my responsibility to know that saying something can ‘detonate’ them further on, so that’s where I have to take that step further and not step on my ‘high horse’ so to speak, which could have caused more conflict.  It is also well known that our current legal frameworks do not cater common sense or the consideration of shared responsibility. It is a polarized system where the only sense of ‘justice’ that exists is placing someone in jail or sending them to death penalty or asking them for money as a form of conciliation. That is of course only handling consequences….

But how about creating spaces to genuinely converse and admit the simple fact of ‘it takes two to tango’ and assist both or more parties to step outside of the disempowerment of victimhood and offender – that in fact attracts more dissent, polarization, violence and rage – and in doing so, assume a more responsible and wholesome stance where each person involved is assisted to recognize their participation in the co-creation of the situation, to understand the mental processes that led to the creation of ‘the problem’ and from there create a conciliatory process where one can understand the other and commit to a process of learning from the mistakes to change such habits, attitudes, actions or ways of being in order to prevent further mistakes and so further problems or accusations. That’s living forgiveness and that is not currently in any legal framework to my awareness.

In a way it is sad that one cannot say such things in the moment, because based on the situation where there’s almost like a victimhood standoff, it is almost impossible to hear any form of shared-responsibility concept. But there I said it, perhaps I planted a seed of awareness, perhaps not. But at least I didn’t keep quiet about it, couldn’t say all of what I’m writing here today and that’s also how I see the importance of using the tools we have of sharing ourselves, of creating blogs, sharing our perspectives within self-responsibility. Here I am making the best that I can to ensure that my words stand as a perspective that is geared to support ourselves as human beings – not taking any sides here – to face conflict, to prevent conflict, to handle conflictive situations in a way that can honor each other and ultimately life itself.

This is how I see we need tools of support at a legal level so that the labels of ‘the victim’ and the ‘perpetrator’ are removed for a moment to look at where each one stands and how the situation came to be, so that there is an awareness creation of each other’s participation in the event, and so create a mutual process of real reformation if you will, which doesn’t come with a sense of vengeance or punishment or ‘compensation for the damage done’, but in the intent of actual change and restoration of the individual, for any ‘other’ is also ‘us’ that have gone astray in one way or another, they are also the product and result of the whole society/world we have co-created.

And this is why blame is lame as they say, it prevents us from acknowledging that we have all created the world as is, we have all been co-creators all the way, we have just blindly and comfortably forgotten, and that is what’s currently being used with greater force in certain factions or groups that create an identity point based sexual preferences, gender, race, nationality, ideology, political inclinations, religions, all kinds of paraphilias and the list goes unfortunately on, missing out the fact of how any form of label/tag divides and conquers us further. It truly saddens me to see how we have separated ourselves from the basic humanity that we all are, devoid of creeds, beliefs, postures, colors, dogmas. It is indeed sad undoubtedly how much ‘shit’ we can talk about one another, how easily we can attack and blame and not even care to investigate the facts. I’ve been there myself as well and can’t claim innocence at all in the past, but I’ve been committing myself to change that within this process for the past 11 years. Sometimes learning the tough way is what we need, a huge ‘wake up call’ to see how we are participating with each other person in this world.

At the time, it seems things are ‘getting out of hand’ in the world where virtually any wrong word may get you on the spotlight and be labeled as the worst of the worst…. We are on a learning curve as well on how to best make use of this current notion of ‘free speech’ and the ability we have to publish whatever we want. I believe it is only our truth that can set us free, and that truth doesn’t mean always doing things ‘right’ or ‘correctly,’ but it also means being able to stand in the front of the person and the totality of the world and explain ourselves, recognize the facts, the context, explain the wrongdoings and commit to change, to live forgiveness, for that is a far more valuable act and a much less ‘explosive’ than going through social media asking for revenge or simple slander to defame others and causing multiple effects that at times we have no consideration for, because we see it as ‘part of the consequences,’ but I see it now as another source of conflict even for people that haven’t been personally involved in the events.

This is also another rather ‘disastrous’ process that sure, can break us further apart, but in the cases that we do care to assist each other to ‘open eyes,’ we can take the time to share our perspectives on a controversial topic or situation like this to present a more common sensical approach to things, to learn to read things properly, to not take immediate ‘sides’ to a story and to formulate a personal stance in relation to all things that we may become aware of in the world. Doing this can in fact make us grow as humanity, but remaining divided – and so conquered – only adds up to the plethora of problems we have to sort out.

Based on the situation I explained in my previous blog, I became aware of people that came in contact with the information and created a conflict with one another for not agreeing on how things were taken by each. This is also part of seeing each others’ ‘truth’ if you will, it will disrupt the way that we believed we liked or agreed with each other to reveal the truth of who we are and yes, that’s part of discovering self-honesty too, it is not nice, it is not pretty, it will be something quite radical and may seem polarizing and disruptive, but it’s part of the necessary ‘opening’ of the cans of worms as I see it, where only – once again – one’s truth will set ourselves free. Actually if one stands clear within oneself, there is nothing to fear, and this is the way to debunk any claims of wrongdoings that one is certain one hasn’t done. IF one has, then, sure, there we go! It sure is time to step up and assume responsibility and commit to changing what one has done and focus on how to stop recreating the same in the present and in the future, because it is what’s best for all, it will prevent further harm, abuse or offense towards others.

Something that I also see is happening is a sense of false empowerment when accusing others, and this is also something that can only happen if there’s no acknowledgement of shared responsibility.  I’ve been there and done that in the past as well where, as I’ve shared countless of times in this blog throughout the past years how I used to ‘rejoice’ in speaking shit – sorry but that’s what it is – about governments, and the ‘elites’ I thought were to blame for everything going wrong in this world, about religious leaders and organized religions, and basically anyone else I judged as evil and wrong in my previous mindset, the one I had before starting this process of self-awareness with Desteni and the mindset I AM still working with whenever it rears its head within me day to day.

I cannot be any more grateful for the ability that I have now to recognize my co-creation and co-responsibility in the creation of this world, our lives, our bodies as they are. It has assisted me to change the very fiber of my being that used to stand in that sense of ‘entitlement’ to feel like a victim, believing I was ‘empowering’ myself by pointing fingers at others, never realizing that in blame and in that position of victimhood I was in fact the most disempowered, I actually felt the most miserable because I thought that punishment and ‘bringing others down’ was the only way to create any restoration of justice. I was in fact recreating the same problems I was complaining about in this world, I was wishing ‘the end’ of those I believed to be the problem. I never realizing I was ‘digging my own grave’ as they say here, I was doing it all to myself.

Walking the Desteni process and the Eqafe self-support material have enabled me to recognize the actual obstacle that blame and victimhood are, and so rather realize the potential and the actual power/capacity I have to focus on changing me, in stopping blaming others and feeling like a victim, to owning my thoughts, words and deeds, to be willing to recognize my participation in the ‘fucked up’ reality we live in and realize that the one true power I hold is to change ME, and that seeking revenge or ‘justice’ as punishment would truly get us nowhere as humanity but further down the downward spiral.

I have realized that I have to be the change, and stop focusing on pointing fingers at others, because that was causing more harm in my body, it was in fact like an ‘anger’ sickness that made me depressed and hopeless and yes, it has taken quite some time to change it, but every single moment I decide to stand in understanding of a situation within this consideration of who we are in our minds, the consequences we’ve created as a society, the role that each one of us has in creating the outflows we face and no longer taking a unilateral approach to things that I face in my life has been like healing a long lasting ‘wound’ of ‘feeling empowered’ when blaming others and believing that ‘that was the solution.’

Again, it’s not, but it also takes courage and a process to stand in self-honesty, to dare to see who we are, who we have become, to own our choices and decisions made that have taken us to walk through every single aspect of our lives, no matter how ‘fortuitous’ they may seem, if we are experiencing them, then we can own our responsibility in it, which simply means to respond, to own our actions, to be aware of the situations we might possibly create if we act or speak certain words – and to always consider what is best for all involved, to learn to do others as we would like to be done onto, to consider ‘the other’ as myself.

These are key principles that even in the face of moments where I believe that I am being ‘limited’ in my expression about something I believe ‘makes sense and is right’, assist me to take the ‘next step’ which is to read the situation in its current stance, to understand that some people are not yet at that position where they can be willing themselves to understand co-creation yet, to consider that for some people might take longer to understand a more holistic approach to any form of problem creation. To consider as well how blinded we can become by our own emotions or characters we take on that we believe empower us, and can’t see the reality of how they are in fact disempowering us.  Within such understanding of ‘where each other is at’ in their lives, it makes it easier to let go of wanting someone to understand something that they simply might not be ready or willing to acknowledge yet, and that’s where I remind myself of my only true power as well: to be an example of how to best handle the situations, how to stand in the face of conflict, how to take responsibility but not ‘enforce’ change or certain ways on others.

Here is also where trusting myself and trusting life comes in. At times I’ve seen how I can be quite pushy in wanting others to understand something that I see ‘benefits them/everyone involved’ and how this can cause further reactions and realize that such reactions are an indication that there is no ‘opening’ yet in the other person to see what I am seeing/saying. It also might mean that I’m ‘reading’ the situation completely wrong and that I need my own words and actions to be cross-referenced, because they can be in fact out of place and not clear. The reactions also allow me to read ‘where a person is at’ and also see myself in it, to see what still ‘disturbs me’ so that I can work with it and in so, seeing what I haven’t yet forgiven as my own experience, as my own creation. Doing that enables me to ‘move’ as in speak, act, direct accordingly.

I’ve met people in my life, including one of the persons that I’m grateful for has created the opportunity to create this moment of conciliation, that in an almost instant manner we could see that we were ‘on the same page’ so to speak in the reading of the events and the greater scheme of how these things are going on in the world.  This is actually quite cool because! It gives me hope in humanity to find people like that. I can also say this of a person that I met in the most seemingly fortuitous situation and eventually realized how ‘aligned’ we are in order to work together in a project and basically be on the same page about how we view ourselves, our lives and the potential we see in people. That is also another example of how upon communicating and learning to ‘read’ people through their responses I’ve been able to establish relationships with people that I know ‘are there’ in this world and are doing ‘their thing’ and in their own way yet within the same principles.

That’s comforting because, as crazy as it may seem, it is hard at times to walk this process at the level we do within Desteni and at times one feels a bit isolated, as if ‘no one else’ could see and understand things the way we do. Thus it has been comforting to find people that do see life/things in a very similar way and how it IS possible to create that understanding and common ground no matter what their ‘background’ is; it’s a confirmation that life and living principles stand on their own, no matter what ‘road’ you take to get to them, and that’s awesome and it is actually cool to know people like that outside of the group that I know and am aware of are people walking this same process with me – even if living in very distant countries. I am also glad that ‘they are here’ and walking with, even if not ‘in my environment’ at the moment, but always ‘there’ in the virtual world, which is something I am also very grateful for in times that may seem difficult and we need to reach out for support.

Ultimately what matters to me is to go establishing connections with the people that do care, that have eyes, ears and a body ready for the new living reality that we need to co-create, and this is something that ‘comes to the surface’ even from ‘unfortunate’ or bitter events like this one.

I share this because it is also a comforting point for me, to know that besides what may seem like ‘the worst of the words’ surfacing on our ‘daily feeds’ and knocking at our doors, there is something actually way extraordinary to be living for. For me it is a way to keep connecting and meeting people that are taking these steps ‘forward’ in their life, while it also reminds me of the necessity that I have to keep sharing, to not ‘back down’ and become a silent vigilant of the things that are going on in this world.

To sum up, as ‘atrocious’ as it may seem for many, these cans of worms are here for a reason and they sure may lead to temporary conflict and polarizations, but eventually out of all crisis there comes an opportunity for recreation, reinvention, and reconstruction – this is what I’m here for. To learn how to stand in the eye of the storms, to strengthen my resolve, to know that my truth will set me free, to be grateful for those that I can relate to and know that are also ‘here’ on track with the new path for life in this world of which I have vehemently decided to be a part of, because my intent has always been to ‘change the world,’ and from there I went from being ‘angry’ at the world for not changing and blaming everything and everyone around me – lol – to externalizing that eagerness to see ‘world changes out there’ to now internalizing, focusing on my own self-change which start in how to handle situations like this and then spreading some seeds again with others that may be ready to read and listen and share back how they see things themselves.

Once again I would not have this kind of resolve or ‘greater picture’ approach without the support of all things related to Desteni and the Eqafe Eqafe self-supportive material, which I have now integrated in my own skin as a new way to live and approach life. It also allows me to understand the greater ‘cataclysms’ that are taking place and ‘will’ most likely continue to take place in this world where everything will seem really ‘bad’ and consequential and chaotic, but here is where I remind myself and anyone else reading: there’s more to it than what meets the eye.

The best thing to do is to create Understanding, to not take things personal, to not only ‘react’ emotionally to things, to learn to discern, to learn to look back within ourselves and making an informed decision of where we stand about something before ‘spewing’ words about something or someone. To learn to let go and forgive people and situations where one can see that it’s only consequences playing out that one cannot immediately change and can only conciliate in the ‘best way’ that is doable in certain contexts.

What matters, as I said in my previous blog, is who we are in the face of conflict, in the face of admitting our faults, mistakes, falls, it is about learning to forgive ourselves and at times assisting others to do that for themselves if this is not yet considered as part of the solution, which is not limited to simply forgiving and letting go, but comes hand in hand with the commitment to change, to grow, to develop new ways of being now that one sees that the ‘previous ways’ were causing harm or detrimental effects on others. This is to me the real way to create peace, calm and conciliation.

This is our learning curve at the moment, it may seem out of hand, it may seem extreme, but again: owning one’s deeds, taking responsibility, learning to assume the co-creation roles we have in this reality and live the correction of the problematic actions will set us free and will benefit each other substantially. That’s real change, that’s real responsibility to me and that’s a supportive use of moments of conflict, problems and crisis, to be of support in those moments to walk through them the best way that we can, for ourselves and for all parties involved.

Thanks for reading

 

And! Happy new year! Enrich your life with signing up to the Unlimited Eqafe plan here: https://eqafe.com/unlimited_plan also available in Spanish Sonrisa

 

And once you’re in, you can access these awesome recordings from which I got the concept of shared responsibility here:

 

 

Can you be trusted with life

 

Videos by Sunette Spies for Self and Living:
Gossip and Personal Pains
From Judgment to Nonjudgment
From Judgment to Understanding

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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625. What I’ve learned from facing Gossip in Social Media

 

Recently I’ve been caught in between the outflow or consequence of social media accusations related to someone that’s close to me, which has led me to unveil a few things about myself, my relationship with the person involved in this conflict – who is my partner – and in doing so, I’ve taken the opportunity and responsibility to look back within myself to see where and how I have participated in gossip throughout my life – whether it is within relationships with people, social media or even ‘news’ for that matter.

For example, I’ve done this when getting to hear or read people’s stories about a certain point of abuse or exposure of a certain problem where ‘the offended’ starts finger pointing at ‘the culprits’ and how I’ve taken such situations blindly ‘as facts’ without a question, taking sides with the part that ‘I believe the most’ and in many other cases, adding myself up to give credit to any form of ‘testimony’ that simply goes along the lines of what I perceive or believe ‘is right’ or is ‘the true one.’ This is where shortsightedness leads to fuel more problems than contribute to any solution, and this is what I am now committing to change within me, no matter how ‘subtle’ my participation may be in this process of ‘taking sides’ with someone without an actual first-hand understanding and investigation of the situation

One thing that I’ve precisely been talking about within our group chats is learning to discern, not being ‘gullible’ in the sense of taking a story ‘as is,’ but being more critical. This means, not immediately jumping into conclusions, pointing fingers or even demonizing the ‘culprit’ in the snap of a finger. Something that comes for me at the moment is how I’ve seen several people become ‘divided and conquered’ on social media specifically over a myriad of topics, which is why I have refrained from participating in taking any ‘side’ because, in order to do so, there’s a need to be genuinely informed or have a firsthand say or experience in the whole topic or situation in order to create a position about it that’s worth sharing. At times even the ‘idea’ of having to take a side or a position about something is already divisive in nature, and that’s why many times it is best to focus on reflecting back where I stand and from there assess my own self-honesty.

Keyword comes again here: self-honesty. My response towards the allegations that my partner has been accused of was to immediately to consult with him about the situation. I decided to not react or immediately go into a paranoia – which could have been my ways of dealing with conflict in the past – which is essential when dealing with accusations that one person may bring up. This of course could be questioned by any other person in the consideration of me having to stand on the side of ‘my partner’ because of ‘him being my partner,’ but the reality is that with the integrity that I hold to myself, my life, my living purpose and the process I have decided to take on in my life for the past decade, I would not mind at all having to recognize the responsibility that any close person would have towards a certain situation where any wrong or fault was committed by them, and ensure that they own to it.

So, this is where it is interesting how some people have questioned me and my relationship with my partner based on the allegations against him. I understand this kind of reactions as well, because it may come with the intent of care or consideration towards me. But, as one of my friends said, if you question me and my relationship based on social media gossip, you definitely have no idea who I am. And that is a fact.

One thing that I appreciate about my partner is his integrity. I’ve even explained in previous blogs how he’s always been quite straightforward in the way that he works, and how yes, some people have taken that personally to the point of attacking back in a very venomous manner. I also have decided to create an understanding of the ‘offended’ person’s position in this, which is part of what I have committed myself to do: to not take part just because ‘he is my partner,’ but to get to understand the situation, to see the facts claimed, to read the words, read the context – at a social and political level even – see where each person stands and from there make a decision of ‘who I am’ within and towards it all.

Within me there is no doubt about where my partner stands and who he is within his life. He’s an open book when it comes to how he works with people and his general intent with people. He is also quite aware that he’s got ways of dealing and treating people that are a consequence of how he was raised himself, and how even these habits and behavior patterns when teaching and showing people how to best do their work, have been misinterpreted as abuse or violent behavior. This is something that he now has to learn when it comes to how he relates to people, regardless of his inherent and ever present intent to support people to become a better person, to create some discipline and standing in their lives, where they can be less fearful, less doubting of themselves and gain more confidence in what they do by willing themselves to do something they would otherwise resist doing, to learn something, practice and become good at what they do.

To me it’s a bit heartbreaking to see how easy it is for outsiders to immediately jump into the gossip bandwagon, where there’s an aim to discredit, attack, threaten and even pose as open enemies towards people that had nothing to do with the situation. But, this is also part of what I’ve known for a long time as well by now, how ‘easy’ it is to be triggered at an emotional level due to a certain kind of information that ‘touches our core’ and with that, we take blind faith to ‘believe’ the person that’s posing themselves as aggravated without further questions or asking the people involved directly to get a holistic perspective of all parties involved. Nope, in this case and situation, it has been frankly disappointing to see even those people that were perceived as ‘friends’ fall for the victimization trap and immediately place themselves on one side based on personal benefits or any form of convenience. Again, self-honesty is something that stands within each one, can’t be demanded either.

This is concerning to me now because of how it affects my life at the moment as well. But the reality is that this may happen more and more until no one is left ‘untouched’ to see to what extent we can create and propagate our worst nature through gossip and accusations that can be spread everywhere now through the power of social media, where even a response of understanding and total assumption of responsibility is deliberately misinterpreted as further ammunition against the people in question. This means, there’s not even an opening to conciliate or solve anything, there’s just a blind desire for violence, revenge masqueraded in the form of justice.

I am in no way exculpating the people involved. My partner knows where he stands in his responsibility and that is something that I also appreciate a lot from him. There was an immediate understanding of the situation in how it came to be, what his role was and subsequently, sharing the story that was untold from the offended’s side. That is quite valuable in someone,  that he is willing to recognize the things that need to be taken responsibility for, that he has no fear in facing whatever outflows or consequences and is willing to go ‘to whatever extent’ it is needed to create a solution for all parties involved. There is also a learning process that comes from the kind of situations that can be called out at a public and mass scale for personal growth, which is also something he has now taken to heart in terms of how he relates to people, how he expresses and learns to consider more about how others ‘may take his words’ and expression, to precisely prevent further problems like this one.

This is then something that I also got to learn from, how at times, yes, things need to ‘hit the fan’ this way to wake some people up about the nature of our actions and to realize in what ways they are affecting other people. One suggestion though is to always ask for support when it happens, instead of publishing information – or defaming – in social media, which causes irreversible consequences for everyone involved.

Is it sad that an attempt to support a person backfired in the worst imagined way? It is, but it’s not the first time that I’ve witnessed this kind of situations. Myself as part of the Desteni group have been subject of endless forms of trolling and abuse, we have proceeded legally many times to create any form of correction about it, without any real solution either. I have realized how facing this kind of situations can only lead to strengthen each one’s capacity to take responsibility for any damage done and see ourselves through it – while at the same time learning to prevent it in the way that we relate to others and how we do things.

Something else that I’ve come to see and realize is how there will be many people that will be completely siding with the person that has been the offended one without a question, and that is also part of the revelations that are here for all of us to witness. Seeing people’s responses as a confirmation of ‘who they are’ and what exists within them, where the subject of discussion disappears and all that’s left is the essence and nature of the person in their own words as response to something they may have no clue about, but are very quick to give immediate responses to. I also am learning to embrace – which means not react, not judge – but see it as situations that will continue to reflect back to each person who they are within themselves and where they stand as individuals –  that is: becoming aware of our own self-honesty.

What I admire in my partner is his stance within it all. To not fall into a form of emotional experience, to stand through it without having anything to fear and at the same time, suggesting the person to proceed against him or any other person presumed to be culprits of the situation, because he knows where he stands. He also understands the political and social environment that this conflict arises within, where some people could be given preference because of being perceived as the common victims in situations like that. We also know that the legal framework might not even have a space to create conciliation and solutions this kind of situations, and that is also ok, part of the shared responsibility point we all hold wherein we haven’t yet worked on standing in and creating a legal system where people’s lives are honored and considered yet.

All that’s left for us to face and confront are our actions, our words, our life trajectories to speak for themselves.  With regards to my partner, he is an open book as the public person that he is, the problem is not many have actually dared to ask directly what the story is in fact – and at the same time, cross-reference that story in alignment with the life that he’s led so far. And as we know, it’s easier, much easier to spread lies than to dare to do a proper investigation to get the full story on all sides involved.  And that’s how I take responsibility to prevent myself from taking a side, but only suggesting what is honorable for me and him to do: to face the music, to assume responsibility and walk it all the way through as it may be needed. That’s what self-integrity is to me.

What’s left is not participating in emotional reactions about it, even if it surely makes me sad, but I realize my sadness is more concerning to him than the situation in itself. Whatever outcome there is, there is a complete disposition to face it and take responsibility for it. That’s something I am also learning from him in terms of how to face ‘worst case scenarios’ and how to always be sure and certain that our thoughts, words and deeds will speak for themselves, even if they don’t stand in the ‘legal’ framework of our current systems in place: in the end, it’s only life and ourselves that know the truth of who we are, and that’s something that no one, no social media opinions, judgment, conclusions or misrepresentation can define or change.

This certainty that he has in who he is has definitely inspired me a lot. He has shared the many times controversy has knocked at his door, and how he has learned over the years to not fear it, but totally cooperate and assume responsibility. This is the kind of person I am and continuing learning to be as well, to understand that we all have a few things to face and confront in this life, and how they mostly show up in the form of obstacles, difficulties, challenges at every level, even health issues or any other form of ‘inconvenience’ that can make us wiser and stronger if we take it to heart as a cross reference of who we are, where we stand and how we decide to lead our lives.

In my regard, I’ll be a lot more careful in how ‘easily’ I take sides on any subject or topic on social media or on personal matters I may become aware of. This is something that my partner has also told me many times before: to not believe anything blindly, to go and test for myself, to talk to the person, be certain of what I am speaking of – otherwise, I am only spreading lies, gossip, misinformation and not measuring the consequences of this. I have explained several times before how righteous I have been with such kind of things, so this is also a learning experience for me to ‘see what it’s like’ to be – in a way by association – on the receiving end of defamation and the effects and consequences it has on many other people, all because of not questioning what we accept and allow to exist within us and focus on sorting things out, rather than aiming at punishment, vengeance or even violence as solution.

In any case, I also understand that difficulties like this lead to a very necessary learning experience which may be very sour and possibly more harming than supportive – but in the end, we can’t control things getting ‘out of control,’ or control how other people react or respond to certain situations. We only have ourselves, our self-respect, self-integrity, self-honesty and the understanding of what one accepts and allows. As they say here ‘the one that doesn’t owe anything, doesn’t fear,’ and that’s the saying that he and I consequently stand by.

My commitment to this life is to also face obstacles, controversies and difficult situations in the best way that I can. This means realizing that reacting emotionally – like becoming sad or feel hopeless about it  – is not the way to stand as a point of support for those that need it most. In a way it is needless to say that in being, there is no space to even consider disrespecting or judging the person that is coming out as the offended one, because I have applied the necessary understanding to see how easy it is for us to not measure the kind of situations we become a part of in our lives and how easy it is to blame, to fall into emotional traps, to be encouraged by group mentality to do things that we are not considering through and through in the consequences it creates, and as such, I take things from Who they come from and considering to the most of my ability the totality of the person they are, to the extent that I can visibly do. This leads me to understanding and forgiveness, which is I’d say the best approach to not ‘fuel the fire,’ while also of course considering the legal means and ways in which any form of conflict that has ‘gone out of control’ can be sorted through.

We live in very chaotic times, that is a fact. It’s not the first time I see this kind of things happening especially within the internet, but I also embrace it as a very necessary part of this existential process to truly get to uncover and expose more about the truth of each one in our lives. And as I’ve said many times, I stand in my own responsibility to the actions and choices I make, I have no intent of defending or painting a nice picture about myself or any human being for that matter, because that is not realistic at all.

I’ve made my point to share the process that I walk with facing my problems, character flaws and faults. We all have them, we all have our falls, we all can be singled out as ‘culprits’ of something – but if we continue to only point out the problems, without standing up to create and promote solutions, we are prone to end up causing far greater problems than then ones we already have in this world.

It is time where we can realize the value of our self-honesty, the value of being a person of integrity and honor towards ourselves and others, and if one is not doing so, surely, I believe life ‘dishes’ things our way to open our eyes and decide where we stand. So, as part of my learning process in this process and from the support I’ve gotten over the years from the many walking this process with Desteni and with the Eqafe material, I take this situation and adversity as an opportunity to strengthen my resolve to align with that and those who are of integrity in their own lives and so towards others. And if I make a false judgment about something or someone, I’ll face it inevitably too, it’s all part of the learning process in life, because the truth will always prevail.

This is where I can learn how to stand in my own truth, whichever it may be, and be willing to stand with it throughout the test of time. This is where I am the only one that can be responsible for my words, what I do, what I support or don’t support till the end of time as it’s said. And that is true empowerment to me, nothing can beat that.

This is something that I want to share considering that this kind of situations are becoming more and more prevalent in this world, to see and consider what one can learn, what kind of strength and resolve one can gather from deciding or making a choice of ‘who one is’ in the midst of conflict. That’s what defines a person: who they are in the face of conflict, not their past deeds and faults or however people may talk back about them, but how they are willing to own the situation and take responsibility for it. And this is what I take to heart as well, because that is what’s honorable to do for everyone involved, in the name of life itself.

We all make mistakes and what matters to me is how I decide to face my mistakes, my falls, my creation of consequences towards others and own it. That’s what matters – anything else people might say, will come and go, no one can control that. All we got is our self-honesty, and those words stand true today and most likely for the rest of time. What we can do is gain a holistic perspective of the situation by asking or talking to the people involved directly and taking a position based on that, considering all aspects of it to the point that we can, but in the end, not even that is a real solution. This is about personal responsibility in the end: each one can only know ‘who’ one is and who one was in the actions, words or deeds done or said.

Thanks for reading.

 

Suggested supportive material:

Practicing Responsibility Sharing
Embracing Responsibility
Paranoia & Gossip – Quantum Systemization – Part 136

 

Videos by Sunette Spies for Self and Living:
Gossip and Personal Pains
From Judgment to Nonjudgment
From Judgment to Understanding

 

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Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 


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