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119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

Left Alone

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

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Day 32: A Dead Honest Confessional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of absolute abdication to a mind that is constantly seeking to win, to have more, to be entertained, to be praised, to get any energy kick out of a sip of a drink, out of food that keeps me alive, seeking for the next greatest thrill and mind obsession that will give a ‘meaning to my life,’ without realizing that it is in such constantly ‘chasing after chasing’ that I have been sickening myself with consuming everything that I could in the name of a piece of heaven, something that could tell me ‘who am I’ and in that, losing my entire beingness that has always had to stand and bear the weight of my own thoughts that would always create a ‘state of mind’ that I confused and adopted as ‘who I am,’ without ever pondering if ‘who I am’ is actually supposed to be and exist in such constant anxiety to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the ‘who I am’ as thoughts of self deprecation, placing myself in uncomfortable positions throughout my life in exchange of a bit of a acceptance and what I deemed was ‘love,’ and in that, compromising the entirety of my expression to being just one thing: a person in a relationship that is equal to the non-spoken and non-established rules of a relationship that could only lead to a ship wreck wherein the reality and consideration of who I really am was nowhere to be found, as I completely became possessed by a relationship entity that could only thrive the more I forgot about myself as an individual, and for that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide memories within my own mind as rusty backchat that I had not been willing to ventilate through Self Forgiveness out of being ashamed and remorseful toward what I have accepted and allowed to exist in my world, which I realize is the least thing I can do when no one else will do this for me: I am the one that is able to grant myself Self-Forgiveness to learn from the mistakes of the past and ensure that any pattern of self-abuse is stopped here, breath by breath as an accumulation of who I am as life, as the assertiveness of what I am willing to live and recreate myself as, which cannot be knowledge-based, but an actual doing and living within the consideration that I am able to grant myself a new page to write my life, wherein this time I stop seeking only my personal glory, but commit myself to become part of the solutions required/ necessary in this world to be able to Live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a way to only satisfy my mind’s desires, without ever considering what is it that I was putting the entirety of my cells when following my desires and obsessions in the mind, which I now know I was absolutely consuming and misusing because of thinking that ‘my body is here to serve me,’ which wasn’t ME speaking, but my mind as the surrogate for life that I accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think that I had control over my body, without even seeing/ realizing that I am not even aware of all the processes that go inside me, I was not aware of what happens during sex in fact as an actual reality-check that could lead me to see what is it that I was actually doing to myself – and in that, become simply a robot in auto-pilot, believing that: because everyone else is dong it – why can’t I? And so, using society as a point of reference to do and become that which I thought was ‘acceptable’ and ‘okay’ because: everyone else does it as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to blame others for how I would experience myself, and in that never realizing that I created and stirred my own shit in a glass of water and only now realizing that I had not been self honest when reviewing relationships in the past, because I was still holding a grudge against ‘them,’ which would keep me in a safe spot of being a victim, without realizing that the moment that I victimize myself, I abdicate the entire responsibility of who I am because I am making the statement: I am not here as myself, I am inferior to whomever ‘did this to me,’ which is actually of great dishonesty because it always takes ‘two to tango.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually abuse myself and others by using ‘them’ as a crutch to my self-victimization within relationships, without realizing that I actually was aware of it all – all the time – and still, remained in such relationships and subservient positions of which I here take full self responsibility, because it all happened inside my own head, it was never even spoken and directly communicated, which is how relationships are simply prone to fall, as I missed out a key point within any relationship: establishing comfortable, open, direct and vulnerable communication in order to make sure we are equally agreeing on every decision and every move we take as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my body as a holder of my own personal paranoia wherein I thought that ‘the song was always about me,’ which means being always constantly thinking that ‘everything is about me’ and expecting at all times ‘all eyes on me,’ which means that I lived as an eternal magnet seeking to attract any form of attention that I could in order to validate my existence from fellow mind consciousness systems, without ever pondering about the actual physicality of my body that gives sustenance and actual substance to my thoughts, my experience and my actions derived from only following thoughts in my head – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never even ponder for a moment to ask my physical body how it felt about everything that I was placing myself to live as, wherein energy as emotions would consume me, and I could physically experience that and never questioned it, it would only come up as a fleeting lint on top of my head ‘what is it that I’m experiencing that is crawling all over my body?’  but would immediately shove-it-away because of giving some knowledge and information in the form of a belief to it, wherein I could just continue focusing on ‘fueling the emotion,’ because at least, it made me ‘feel something’ which I had equated to living.

 

I forgive myself that I never even allowed myself to ponder asking my body about ‘how it feels to be me,’ as I always assessed such ‘feeling,’ according to thoughts, ideas of self, emotions, feelings and any other experience that would only take place on my head – never really considering my cells, every single breath that is unconditionally keeping me alive – I took all of it for granted, for what? To give continuation of a lifetimes of inner conflict, constant desires to win, to consume, to have it all, to be on top, to recognized, to be accepted by anything and everyone outside of myself while holding a belief that: I was doing just fine, I’m just like everyone else = these experiences must be normal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider ‘normal’ as in equating life to a series of conflict that lead you from positive to negative, and never questioning really how is it that we actually fuel and create such experiences by ourselves, as I was still delegating my responsibility over my creation to a ‘god’ and ‘preprogramming’ and ‘who I am as my genes,’ which is in all ways still me, yet in my mind it is seen as a ‘better thing to do’ to always seek out culprits to keep the ‘white image/ self-immaculate image’ wherein I can remain a victim and play amnesia about my creation, which is exactly what we have done and abdicated ourselves to be and become, coming to this Earth life after life without being able to remember – yet being fully aware of what we were doing, which was enticed by the entire desire to be eternal, to get to heaven, to be ‘more’ than what we are as an actual physical body which cannot certainly exist as any of such ‘past lives,’ as all that Is real is here, as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to become an energy-sucking machine that is only programmed to consume itself in a proportional rate as to how I participate in my mind, wherein ‘who I am’ is reduced to a set of self-created and self-programmed emotions and feelings that I deem are ‘life, ‘ and within this never being aware of the extent of abuse and misuse of physical matter that I consume and that I abused to nurture my own separation, becoming the very acceptance of self-abuse as ‘who I am,’ without ever questioning it because we always accepted it as ‘human nature,’ which is the greatest excuse we have used to see the desire for power, vengeance, war, control, money, greed, survivalism, competition, emotions, feelings, pursuit of happiness as an ‘inherent human desire,’ without actually willing to see, realize and understand the actual core and starting point of all such actions which indicate an evil human nature whose consequences can be seen far and wide within this reality, wherein we’ve sold life in the name of money.

 

I forgive myself that I never questioned others’ lives and how their state of poverty, famine, abuse, starvation, was even ‘accepted as part of society’ and not stopping for a moment to ponder: who I am within this picture, within this bipolar world  that is simply accepting multi-millionaires to exist along in the same Earth where millions could be fed with one man’s ‘wealth’? How am I allowing a system that is neglecting the basic living support and services to people that are Clearly and Undeniably asking for them, but not getting them because ‘they don’t have money.’ It is truly unacceptable to dare to even utter the word ‘love’ in this existence without having a look at the actual atrocities that are committed in the name of money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to have any activity to be used in means of getting money, which only reflects the outflow of an actual prostitution of life wherein we have never dared to stop for a moment and ask a very simple question: ‘What am I doing to myself? Do I even recognize who I am as this character? Is this all there is? – And not just litter it out as some type of conspiracy-theory type of thinking, but as an actual consideration of life, of what we are doing to ourselves and the consequences that we have manifested for ourselves here, which we now have to take full Self-Responsibility for with no middle-grounds and no middle measures, as we cannot deny what we have done onto ourselves and the Earth, because it is in front of our eyes everywhere.

 

Do I like what I see? No – and this is the reason why I stand up for Life, because I see what I have done, I realize what I have accepted as normal, and how I lived out a life of physical abuse just as every single other human being, wherein the definition of physical abuse must not only exist as someone doing something ‘onto you,’ but each one of us depleting the very life essence that we are existing as, unconditionally and that is now nowhere to be found Here, because we’ve only depleted and transformed ourselves into Energy – not Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever yearn for ‘better times’ wherein I allowed my days to simply go by without me doing a single thing to stand up and take the directive principle of my life, because I was old that I could ‘not change the world,’ and in that did not consider that I could begin with myself – yet the inertia experienced within a comfortable yet self-limiting position was more ‘powerful’ than any self-will to move and change winds into another direction, because of fearing eventually losing myself within – not getting my ultimate desire and simply dying and ending up high and dry in the attempt.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry with the past as a burden on my back, as all the memories that remind me ‘who I was’ as a self-centered yet pretended selfless being that sought experiences to carry around like souvenirs. I realize that I’ve kept my own collection of memories as the pillars to my very own cage and self-created limitation. I realize that I am able to give me back to myself everything that I have separated myself from in those memories in every moment that I learn how to Forgive Myself.

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to claim to be sure of ‘who I am’ without even having the least/ remote idea of what I actually am, what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and how I have actually abused myself in such continual desire to ‘be something/ someone’ that could have a label that indicates ‘I am a part of this reality.’

 

 

I commit myself to become the point that stops living as a self-programmed system that is only seeking for personal glory at all times, and how this has been our own demise that is now taking us to the current state that we’re in, where life is being sucked dry from all in the name of our personal gain and ‘glory,’ which can only exist as an equally self-created mind delusion that must stop.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that we have founded a ‘human civilization’ upon abuse, that our progress can only exist if someone is left deliberately marginalized and waiting for death to come as ‘who I am and have become’ as a human being has shown no regard for fellow living beings, wherein it is ludicrous to ever claim that: ‘we are in control,’ because we’re not, we are not even aware of how every single breath power the entirety of our body = we cannot possibly claim we know better.

 

I commit myself to expose the realm of knowledge and information for the uselessness that it represents as an actual misuse of life in the name of personal glory, wherein ‘who I am’/ who we are as humanity is praised and pondered upon a pedestal that has always been created at the expense of other life forms that we have absolutely disregarded and neglected as being one and equal as ourselves.

 

I commit myself to share and explain how the more we keep each other separated from our own body, and how the more we keep fueling our bubble-lifestyle wherein we only care about ourselves, we are in fact ensuring the depletion of all life here, while many starve to death because who we have become in our minds, has neglected ‘them’ as being ourselves as well, an equal part of what is here that we have decidedly ignored to only satisfy our ‘dreams,’ which can never be actually fulfilling, as it was all just ‘a dream’= a mind created illusion.

I commit myself to support myself to continue forgiving myself for the plethora of self-delusions that I gave head to and that I abused myself with in the name of an experience, an idea of life, instead of actually becoming the life that is here as myself as the bones, tissue and flesh that I nurture with the Earth’s resources every single day and that I had abused in the name of self-interest.

 

I commit myself to support others to see this for themselves, as I realize that we are going nowhere unless ALL is equally aware of this process of self-support and the importance of walking it as a life-commitment, as this is a once in an existential lifetime opportunity to birth ourselves as life, by our very own breathing accumulation here, moment by moment, breath by breath. until all the parts of separation that I have created are brought back to ‘justice’ as the just-is, as the life substance that has always just existed/ been here, unconditionally and that we have separated ourselves from through a single belief, clogging it with meanings and words and colors as relationships of energy that must be stopped by each one of us.

 

The confession of having lived a lifetime of self-abuse is a written process that is taking place all over the world – it is not negativity, it is what being Self-Honest implies, it is being Dead-Honest about the reality that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

 

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Day 14: Keeping Quiet leads to Relationship Failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to write about relationships, without realizing that I am defining ‘who I am’ in relation to ‘what I’ve written in the past’ which is certainly gone and not ‘here’ as the current understanding of relationships and my own experiences toward it at the moment, which I can certainly bring through a new perspective that I probably was not aware of in the past.

So I breathe, stop the resistance and walk through it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of the topic of relationships ‘the point’ in my process due to past experiences wherein I accepted and allowed myself to diminish, belittle and compromise my own stance and process according to ‘being in a relationship,’ which means that the point I must correct from here on is remaining stable as I am currently when being alone, and walking the process of being able to remain stable and constant no matter where or with whom I am with.

I realize that by having made this point ‘the point’ within my process, I have given it ‘extra value’ that I have then being mostly defining myself according to but in a way that I am mostly resisting and/or avoiding even talking about, which only fuels the same cycles of creating a specific relationship toward ‘relationships.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing about relationships without realizing that any point I experience a resistance toward means that I have created a particular experience toward, which means that: I must walk it through with proper self-support for relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to ‘relationships’ and the past as memories of people that have come and gone and that allowed me to see what I have been accepting and allowing to exist within/ as me, which means that everything that I ever blamed and judged others for, was in fact only revealing me to me what was existing in a silent/ dormant way within me.

I realize that it is within relationships that we get to face ourselves ‘full on’ because there is no other way that we would be able to trigger points that can’t possibly be triggered when/ while being alone. 

I realize that resisting anything that has to do with relationships at the moment is only me reflecting my own ‘unsolved issues’ toward it that I experienced myself as being ‘perfectly fine without,’ instead of seeing that I am actually resisting because I know, I have realized and seen how it is through relationships that the actual process of facing yourself at all times exists.

 

For that, I see, realize and understand that allowing me to first face myself, alone and walking the necessary self agreement is the necessary step to be able to stand here wherein what matters is that I ensure I stand and do not allow myself to change/ alter/ waver or transform ‘who I am’ according to the relationships I form/ establish within myself toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subservient within relationships, wherein I played the role of being the passive listener and faithful companion, diminishing my own life and living experience to being just that, existing for and defining myself according to being in a relationship

 

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain in a ‘safe spot’ of complacency and not questioning/ being directly communicating as I realize I could have done in the past, because of not wanting to ‘step on another’s feet’ and interfere ‘too much’ within their individual processes, without realizing that it was simply about me fearing having to face my own fears of conflict, fear of losing a relationship if there was an uncontrollable outcome, which kept me basically tied up to an idea of who I had to be within the relationship to keep another by my side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships from the starting point of having to ‘keep people by my side’/ fearing losing the relationship, which I have experienced as a constant point of petrification because of how I had repeated the same mistakes over and over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am in relation to the mistakes I have made in the past, without realizing that I can only learn from mistakes as the points that need absolute correction to never allow myself to repeat patterns, behaviors as limitations wherein I have compromised myself and my usual stance when and while I am in a relationship with another, which means that I must first establish a relationship as Self-Agreement with myself.

I see, realize and understand that any idea I created about another was in fact only about myself, projecting my own judgments toward others and in this, projecting blame to be able to stand as the victim that could complain and manipulate situations to suit my own limitations, which I obviously didn’t see as limitations back then, but preferences and ways of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet in fear of being imposing myself/ patronizing another and in that, fearing being too blunt/ harsh when it came to directly communicating which is essentially ‘fear of hurting others’ through words, while neglecting the obvious common sense that I see and realize I am perfectly able and capable of spotting in myself and others as self-support Yet when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ve kept quiet because of the relationship that I have formed toward such person within my reality.

 

Therefore I see and realize that the only way to correct this point is for me to establish a self-equality and oneness wherein no matter who I am supporting/ interacting with, I stick to presenting, sharing, pointing out common sense and not compromising this point just because of it coming from a particular person that I have regarded as ‘more than’ or ‘special’ within my life, which is unacceptable within the understanding of how these ‘value schemes’ that we project onto people, eventually have created the current system of disparity and polarization that entails abuse of all parts equally participating in this organism.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the ‘good-doer’ wherein I did everything possible to ‘keep another happy,’ which stemmed from fear of losing an relationship and in that, compromising myself absolutely to mold myself into a more docile version of myself in order to not stir any conflicts and keeping a certain apparent ‘stability’ wherein everything is supposedly ‘alright,’ without realizing that I actually feared being alone – and in that, compromising myself just because of not wanting to be left without such relationships, no matter how much I would actually be uncomfortable in it and knowing beforehand that it wasn’t supportive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a single iota of self judgment just now as I review this point because of the obvious self-abuse I accepted and allowed within myself just because of fearing being alone as the fear of losing a relationship,

I realize that my desire to continue being alone is now the counter act that stems from these past experiences, which means that I must clear for myself these relationships and make sure I do not sabotage any opportunity that I have to expand myself in my process within standing with another in an actual worded, spoken and shared agreement wherein the most important aspect is Self-Agreement, which is what I am perfectly able and capable of walking as myself, alone, here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss out  the opportunity to assist and support myself to be directive to actually share in the moment any point that emerges that can be corrected/ talked about in order to support myself to step out of the pattern of remaining silent and supporting another to see and realize a point that has probably not been realized/ seen before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I fucked it up because: I kept quiet’ when in fact, keeping quiet is the outflow of having accepted and allowed various other patterns to manifest within the relationship entities that I formed, mostly because of stemming from the idea of myself ‘not being good enough’ and in that, believing that I had to ‘make up for’ not being good enough by being complacent and subservient to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a relationship as a way to measure ‘who I am’ when in fact, all that I have been within relationships is just another personality that was ‘there’ for me to face, but instead I got lost in the character, allowing myself to create such an extensive turmoil that I forgot about common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of regret out of these past memories and experiences within/ as relationships.

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to write about the intense regret I experienced when I heard B explaining to me how that opportunity was gone and done and that there was no turning back once the agreement was over. That day I learned what regret was and how it would remain within me as a life-long lesson to never allow myself to remain quiet and not giving absolute and proper direction to a point I am directly involved with in/as relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain subservient to a relationship entity wherein favors are done, wherein positivity is sought yet not realizing that in that input of ‘wanting things to work out,’ I am already fearing and accepting the ‘negative’ and the dysfunctional aspects of a relationship, and keeping quiet about it, as a way to remain in a safe spot wherein things seem to be ‘just a bit tense but nothing to worry about,’ and in that missing out the absolute opportunity to take the wheel of the situation and give it common sensical direction in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the person that I stand within an agreement with because of having perceived that such relationship is a special bubble that I must take care of with separate terms as in being more flexible and subservient within the ‘hope’ that it will change/ get better after sometime, without seeing and realizing to what extent I have deliberately blinded myself when being in relationships, wherein I have caramelized the actual reality of the relationship through the creation of an apparent chemical marriage that I then used as a way to justify empathy as preference toward another, while accepting and allowing obvious patterns of separation that were Not Self-Supportive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself the moment that I perceived that the other person was absolutely responsible for the situation, and in this, victimizing myself and believing that ‘I had done nothing wrong,’ that it wasn’t my fault that this didn’t work out,’ while being absolutely aware of all the constant patterns of allowances and acceptances that were flashing ‘red alerts’ all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience myself so emotionally burnt after a breakup that all I could do was cry, without realizing that it was me only crying out for having actually lost the opportunity of that actual initial immediate point of comfort ability with another and that I have kept as a regret point in my life, without realizing that I had not even set out the basic points of self support as words within myself for that matter, which means that the entire relationship was only that and never an actual agreement, which is the actual truth that I could not see in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take relationships as something that can be brewed out of nowhere in one single moment without taking into consideration what I am actually really getting myself into, realizing that I only did it out of the spontaneous ‘struck of the heart’ in believing that ‘I must go there’ and in that, having the worst crash till the very bottom when realizing that I only fed my ‘good feelings’ about someone while neglecting the obvious reality that was yelling out separation and dysfunction in distinctive moments that I simply allowed to go by.

 

I commit myself to establish a self-agreement of communication wherein I make sure I clarify toward myself what I am willing to live by with/ as myself wherein I do not ever create another bubble as a relationship entity with another as a ‘separate world,’ while neglecting the obvious separation that such application entails.

 

I commit myself to voice myself no matter ‘who it is’ that I am talking toward as that is a practical living-realization of me being addressing myself/ voicing myself as that which I see is common sense and supportive to communicate about.

 

A cool point about this is that I don’t have to be fueling the ghosts of the past, it is only when directing myself to write about it that memories come up, images, pictures, moments that I believed I was really happy and that everything was alright – and I did have a lot of fun while it lasted. A point that must be stopped at all times is future projections when and while being in any give moment, and to make sure that I do not become stagnant in my perceived stability when and while being alone. I definitely see and realize that there is a long process to walk ahead. Enough for now.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

“Twin Soul – the only twin soul that can exist is in drawings of souls that look like twins OR within the minds of those fantasizing about twin souls in their minds – but within existence: twin souls no more exist. And the practical application here would be to – whatever one is looking for in the twin soul – is what self must gift to self to be/become whole again. TWIN SOULS should be saying something, in that – the TWIN/SAME SOUL is showing that self is in fact yearning for/looking for SELF. C’mon – the codes couldn’t have been MORE OBVIOUS.” Sunette Spies 

 

 

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