Tag Archives: slowing down

589. Exigency towards my body

Or changing the relationship of despotism towards my physical body   to one of humbleness and consideration

I’ve found the latest recordings Redefining Physical – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 109 and Redefining Physical (Part 2) – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 110 from Eqafe.com very supportive to open up aspects that I had not questioned before in relation to judgments towards my physical body beyond appearance. I’d say that one of the most common ways to judge ourselves is definitely related to how our body looks, but there are many other aspects that I had not particularly questioned or looked at as such which I’ll write about here.  

I’ve noticed a form of exigency that I’ve imposed onto my physical body when it comes to the times when I’ve gotten sick or when my body is simply not at what I’ve come to define ‘being at my 100%’ and I am feeling weak, having certain unstable experience in my body that emerges ‘out of nowhere’ wherein I then go into a ‘low’ experience within me, desiring to be alright, wanting to be ‘done with’ whatever disturbance is going on in my body and in a way victimizing myself within a desire to be fully fine and ‘back to normal’ without really questioning or seeing how whatever my body is going through is in fact an outflow of whatever I’ve caused onto it, whether it is a sickness, discomfort, pain = it’s been all self-created, which doesn’t also mean it’s all ‘bad’ either, it’s definitely beyond morality.

I can identify this experience as a form of exigency because who I am in that relationship is one of ‘demanding’ my body to be alright, as if it was doing ‘its thing’ out of nowhere when in fact, every single time I have any form of sickness or physical adjustments it is a result of processes, sicknesses or things that I have most likely not been aware of that I’ve caused onto my body.

In this I have also reflected how much I take my health for granted and what I’ve now come to define as ‘being at my 100%’ experience where there are no pains, I feel stable and with sufficient energy to do more physically engaging activities.

During the past weeks I definitely wasn’t at my 100% and it became a very unpredictable situation where I did notice that I was kind of going into worry about my physical body, where I also wanted to just ‘be back to normal’ the next day and waking up every day just wanting to feel fine again, strong, stable, without any wobbliness or dizziness and whatnot. Well, that took some time to completely go away and I then had to understand that whatever my body was going through it was part of what I’ve caused onto it, therefore nothing just ‘happens’ out of nowhere, but I’m always the cause of it.

Here then there’s a layer of victimization and so blame towards the body as if my body was ‘causing me’ to not be at that 100% of stability and so becoming an ‘obstacle’ to my usual routine and activities, instead of rather changing that relationship to acknowledging how I am the cause and origin of such physical experiences and realizing that the first thing I can do is focus on remaining stable within me and rather embracing the processes that my body is going through, otherwise within going into an emotional experience of disempowerment, I’d be adding even more strain to the ongoing processes that my body is going through to stabilize itself, which is what it naturally always does by itself.

It also says a lot about my level of self-awareness that I cannot be fully aware of what processes my physical body is going through; meaning we have been so disconnected from ours body/our physicality that we only exist at a very superficial level of our mind, being and body relationship, while the body is in fact the wise one part of ourselves that regulates itself and is automatically living and breathing for us, because just like it was said in that one recording: “If we were transformed into this physical existence, would we have lasted as long?” which is a great quote to understand how the physical itself has been able to survive, adapt, change, evolve in every way possible in spite of what we’ve imposed onto the physical as our bodies, the world, existence… every single particle that we are made of.

So listening to these recordings was very supportive to become more aware of this kind of relationship I’ve built with my body. It also prompted me to acknowledge how I have not yet forgiven myself for all the damage, disruption, attacks and constant ‘cannibalism’ that I’ve imposed onto my physical body in the name of surviving as a demanding and exigent ego that in essence has taken my life and physical body for granted.

I only get to become aware of taking my body for granted whenever I’m sick, where I then compare my sick-state to that of ‘being healthy’ and go into a wallowing in sickness, feeling disempowered, getting irritated, frustrated at ‘the sickness’ feeling like ‘the body is failing at me’ instead of acknowledging how the body is doing its thing in order to get back to stability and how such disease, sickness, discomfort, ailment, problem at a physical body is always accepted and allowed and self-created: there’s truly nothing or no one to blame or victimize myself to.

That’s an empowering and sobering realization considering how ever since I was a little child, I’ve always seen or associated sickness to a weakness, something that prevented me from ‘going to school and missing out one day of activities!’ lol- or currently how it ‘stops me from being productive,’ from ‘following my usual routine’ which indicates also the many times that I would also disregard the physical signs of ‘having to slow down’ because of moving myself/driving myself through the need to ‘be productive all the time’ and ‘push boundaries’ without considering my physical body.

In these past weeks, my physical experience showed me that even if I would have ‘wanted to’ be doing my things at the ‘usual pace’ that I do them, I would not have been able to, I simply couldn’t, which was an interesting experience as well, like a physical ‘slowing down’ which I described in the previous blog.

Currently I see that as a momentary experience that is no longer a constant but more like a state of being I am now aware I can ‘slow myself down to’ in my mind and realize how it’s not that it ‘goes away’ ever, because that’s a physical state of being. It’s more like I have to slow down and step out of my ‘mind-drive’ in order to exist at that ‘slowing down’ mode, which I am now practicing also even while ‘moving fast’ which I was able to try out today after some two weeks of not being able to do so.

This period of time has also assisted me to understand what it means to ‘be with my body, assist my body’ which I had also associated with taking ‘extra’ stuff to assist healing it, but the reality is that I maybe didn’t even need that, I just needed to embrace the physical process it was going through and not become emotional as in being ‘waiting for it to get back to normal’ and getting desperate for that in the meantime… best way I can help is by being stable and let go of my mental exigency over my body.

I’ve had this kind of experiences every now and then where I’ve learned to consider my body and not putting it through a form of strain through wanting to fulfill a routine for example, or over-exerting myself within an idea of ‘needing to exercise’ but, there are times where I’m now seeing how my body indicates ‘hey take it easy’ and I’ve been learning to do so, but I also now have to be ok with the process, with the time it takes to recover, heal, readjust or whatever else it is going through.

Throughout this process of developing self-awareness as the life that I am I’ve realized how much I had a relationship of despotism towards my body, using it more as ‘the vehicle’ to satisfy my mind’s needs and not really fully being ‘with it/as it’ in every step of the way, which yes, is disrespectful and hasn’t been an honorable relationship at all. But, it is not like ‘it’s too late’ to do it either, I’ve got to be gentle with realizing that I am probably for the first time at a conscious level realizing all of these things that I had noticed through walking a physical consequence, but hadn’t yet made such an aware decision to equalize myself to my physical, not only through ‘stopping judgments’ towards it, but more so in understanding its processes, to not judge its ways to ‘figure things out,’ the ways it ‘processes things’ and the way it adjusts after all that I put it through to get back to a relative homeostasis.

This also requires me to be humble in acknowledging that unless I am perfectly aware of how I am producing all of these weaknesses, deficiencies, ‘low phases’ at a physical body level, I can only assist myself by breathing and ‘slowing down’ within me and without, not going into disempowerment, being considerate and genuinely taking things easy, because there’s definitely that ‘itch’ to want to ‘get back to normal’ and it feels like forcing cold muscles to run from the get go, it just doesn’t feel right or the adequate thing to do.

Another point is how I’ve been the kind of person that would be astounded at how other people would speak of being aware of very specific details of what ‘their body likes’ and what ‘sits well with the body’ and I haven’t had such kind of awareness developed or relationship with my body to know exactly what ‘it likes or dislikes,’ to me I believed I required some kind of ‘extra sensibility’ that I seem to not possess, therefore perceiving that there was something that I was ‘missing out’ in that or that there was something ‘flawed’ within my relationship to my body for not being aware of such things.

The reality is that I cannot crave or desire to have the same physical body awareness that other people have developed within their body and lives, we cannot compare that at all and each body/being/mind relationship is unique in itself. So this is another point that I have to let go of, a comparison point in relation to wondering ‘hmm why is my body not letting me know what it likes, or how come ‘they’ are aware of such things in their body and I am not?’ type of comparison, which makes no sense because over time it builds this relationship of further separation towards ‘the body’ instead of realizing that I am already my physical body, it is a part of me that I have to in fact embrace, stop judging as ‘weird’ in its functioning, stop seeing it as ‘weak’ whenever it is going through processes to strengthen itself, to readjust to the changes I am walking through at times at a mind/being level and so be able to pay attention to how I am doing.

An example is not eating complex foods when being in such physical ‘wobbliness’ as I call it, where there are these ups and downs with many symptoms, and also to not become emotional about it, but instead use those moments to be quiet, stable within me, while knowing my body is doing its thing, which requires me to live patience and consideration. It also becomes a humbleness point to see how I cannot take my life for granted, I cannot take my health for granted, I cannot take the next breath for granted.

If there’s something I constantly look at is the fragility of life which at times I deal with in the form of instant imaginations that create some fatal outcome that would end up my life in various situations. I’ve learned to breathe through that and not entertain them, not be ‘impressed’ by it within fear, but simply acknowledging how ‘fragile’ our lives can be and how we cannot have control over everything about ‘our lives,’ which is also humbling.

All in all I’ve been working on learning how to live or stand equal to my body, understanding what that means and for the first time bring ‘my body’ to the forefront and seeing ‘who I am’ towards it, rather than always seeing it as this ‘background thing’ that I’ve used to satisfy whatever I’ve set myself to do/create within the starting point of my mind only. To sum up, it’s about time I create a relationship of honor, regard, respect, appreciation to the organism it is, beyond what I superficially see with my eyes, and until I am able to fully stand one and equal with it in all ways, I walk in humbleness within it/as it. J

 

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Live Drawing 2007

 

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588. Physically Slowing Down

 

Or how I’ve been focusing on and starting to live the ‘physical pace’ or ‘breath pace’ of what it means to live moment by moment in the physical.

 

For a few weeks now I have been deliberately focusing on slowing down in my day to day living, in the minute details of my ‘everyday actions’ wherein I did get to notice or acknowledge how there was this constant form of ‘haste’ or ‘rush’ within me in virtually every movement that I’d take. The interesting thing is that it might not even have been noticeable on the outside or within me at a conscious mind level, but there was a definitive pressure or rush existing within me in every move.

 

An example is when washing dishes where within this experience of ‘doing things diligently’ I would get to wash them, but still would be rushing through it, very subtly experienced within my body even if the outside movements were ‘normal’ or ‘slow’ but it was still there as some form of control/tension that one experiences in the body.

 

So in those moments I would deliberately stop myself from being in that ‘automated drive’ which had become the constant way I had in fact experienced myself in my physical body before, and would instead deliberately do things ‘slowly’ as defined by myself in that moment, meaning doing them actually at a physical-pace, at a ‘breath pace’ which means not being driven by a desire to ‘get it done’ or ‘be over and done with it to move to the next thing to do!’ where I am slightly moving ‘forward’ all the time and not being fully present in those moments, because of perceiving that I have to already be ‘doing what I’m going to be doing next’ in my mind.

 

I had to also at the same time work with and debunk all of these ideas about having to be doing ‘many things at once’ or being ‘super productive all the time’ and in that forgetting about ‘taking some fresh air and smell the roses’ type of approach because I had been entirely geared to constantly ‘doing’ things and not giving some time to myself, which I have also been doing more so in the past months, but now it’s not only about ‘what I do’ for myself, but also ‘who I am’ in every moment of my ‘awake’ state during the day, which has been quite cool.

 

This experience of rush or ‘looking forward’ all the time in a very physical level would be felt like a tension, a tightness, a ‘control’ point experienced as rigidity – another word to describe it can be an anxiety get things done, to complete the task, which has been a very, very ingrained thing within me since I was a child and I’d rush to get things done and be ‘done with it.’

 

Here I’ve also been looking at this desire to ‘get things done’ wherein it implies a slight desire to be ‘over and done with it’ wherein I would only focus on the result/the end point of it instead of actually being aware of who I am in the whole process of doing something, being present, being aware, being in this ‘slowed down’ physical experience, instead of already projecting to the end of it, or ‘wanting to get done with it’ which would also indicate I am not entirely here as my physical in the process of doing something, but I am in some way resisting it, disliking it, which I then open up in the moment to see ‘what is the experience’ I’m having right now, self forgive the experience and then decide to live words like focus, attention, slowing down, living in the moment and most importantly doing it the best way that I can to integrate myself in my physical body, instead of living ‘through the eyes of my mind’ which were of haste, rush and also only doing ‘what I prefer doing’ in one way or another.

 

I saw how upon placing myself to deliberately ‘slow down’, there was an irksome physical-internal experience that would initially emerge upon deciding to slow down, like a form of antsy/restlessness/anxiety that would want to ‘go back to rushing, doing it fast, be done with it’ and in this I would become aware of how I was in fact rushing, but I would justify it with wanting to obtain ‘maximum efficiency’ in terms of time for example, which then relates to how even if I didn’t perceive myself having a ‘battle against time’ at a conscious level – meaning I would not be ‘thinking of time’-  it was still me very much existing as this battle of time within me, because this ‘rush’ and ‘haste’ has all to do with me ‘looking forward’ to things, which I have then become more aware of throughout these past weeks, resulting in what has become more of a defined slowed-down pace within me altogether which has become quite noticeable in various ways.

 

I’ve noticed that I no longer feel the need to ‘rush’ in doing these small day to day things, like within doing dishes or cooking or preparing something that actually takes time – and yes, even in painting where in the past I would rush my way through it and now based on what I’ve been challenged to paint, I just can’t rush through it or I screw it up.

 

I also realized that upon seeing certain kinds of artistic expressions, I got to place myself in their shoes and see ‘who would I have to become to draw like that’ and it all had to do with extensive patience, slow-pace and focus, which are things that I’ve definitely been focusing on living in these ‘moment to moment’ situations, and that I’ll be also integrating more into artistic expression as well for a change, lol, and will see how it goes but I already had a taste of that and it was cool to see how every now and then there was this desire for me to just ‘be done and over with it’ – so upon catching myself doing so, I would then deliberately re-settle myself to this ‘slowing down’ mode, which for the effect of doing so means ‘doing things slowly’ within me until it becomes more of a more natural pace where there’s no haste going on in my mind and I am stable and quiet within myself doing what I need to do with it.

 

I also got some cross reference from the people that know me the best like my mother where she had often complained about my anxiety to always ‘move fast’ and ‘get things done fast’ and ‘speed up’ in traffic and things like that lol, which I am totally aware I did and I in fact explained to her how I had been deliberately focusing on slowing down in all those details within me and the interesting thing is that she had in fact noticed this, which is a cool cross-reference.

 

Somehow it has become the ‘new constant state’ of being within me, where there’s this physical experience of slowing down and I’ve tested this for the past last 2 weeks more so, how even if I would ‘want’ to rush, it’s like physically I am not just ‘into it’ anymore – and yep I can only see this as a result of having been applying myself in this focus/attention to the detail of what it means to ‘slow down’ in every moment and how upon doing so in a constant manner, it kind of has started becoming the ‘new me’ in my physical experience, which I find very interesting to say the least because ‘rush’ and ‘haste’ and a bit of a constant haste or ‘anxiety’ had become a very ingrained part of my physical body, not in the sense of being ‘stressed’ at a conscious manner, but more at a physical tension level that I thought was ‘the normal me’, and now I’m realizing that there is possibility to in fact be in the moment and ‘slow down’ at an internal and so external level and how that changes the way that I approach not only myself but others, and how bit by bit I go moderating this ‘intensity’ that I would also experience as myself coming more from an energetic experience at an internal level, rather than as an expression which I’d link more now to a self-enjoyment, being comfortable in my own skin and voice so to speak.

 

Now, this is maybe an initial phase because I have become aware of the many ‘small things’ that indicate there’s some kind of deeply ingrained form of anxiety, and here I have to say that I had not considered myself as an ‘anxious’ person any longer, yet at a physical level I’ve definitely become more aware of this ‘tension’ that can come up even in simple things like arriving to a certain place in time, where yes before process I would go already tensing up, being nervous throughout the whole trajectory. And now as I’ve been walking for almost a decade of it – I’ve been able to notice how in constantly redirecting myself to be stable, to let go of ‘wanting to get there on time’ and all of these ‘antsy’ things I’d experience, I can let go of the rush at a conscious level.

 

It is only fairly recently that this has become more of a physical experience as well, which I find very interesting, new to me – by all means – and enjoyable considering that there is like this ‘inertia’ that I have to still redirect within myself to not give into this ‘rush’ but, the interesting thing is that I cannot physically give myself into it anymore, which is quite new to me as well.  

 

I also found Matti’s vlog supportive on this point How I Find the Extra in the Ordinary so check it out as well, he explains different dimensions of it but still points out towards the same outcome: slowing down, being fully doing what one is doing in the moment, physically being stable, taking one point at a time, not ‘rushing’ in the mind, not ‘moving forward’ towards ‘the next task’ when doing something completely different in that moment, not creating a battle against time and disregarding what one is busy with and also realizing how we can use these ‘simple’ moments of day to day living as constant reminders to ground ourselves back into the physical pace, because even if I had understood the theory of it and maybe made some adjustments in my relationship to ‘rushing’ at a conscious level, living it physically as my ‘physical pace’ is definitively a new thing for me which I have to now continue to integrate, cultivate and establish as ‘the new me.’

 

Ok, I’ll share more updates as I go and if needed, such as how certain physical movements like rubbing my feet against each other, or pinching some parts of my body or touching my hair or ‘fiddling with something’ while talking on the phone or with someone can indicate other levels of internal experiences that I’ll be placing more attention on because I’ve been able to stop myself in doing them, and then notice that there was this ‘tension’ in a certain muscle group, to then see and try ways to ‘relax’ at a muscular level in that area which then connects to the process of breathing the tension or ‘involuntary movements’ and consciously decide to ‘let go’ of whatever ‘control’ point I was holding on to at a mind level – existing as a very in-depth fear’ for example as well, and move through it in a physical manner, by deciding to relax, let go and in that ‘loosening up’ myself specifically in the area of my body where this ‘tension’ was showing up as these ‘involuntary movements,’ which is also a cool way to ‘slow down’ at a physical level, but that’s the next level of self-awareness to work with for myself and I’ll report back once I go specifying it.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For more support on this, please check out the process of Living Words at SOUL (School of Ultimate Living) with Sunette Spies 

 

 

 

 

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563. From Present Tense to Present-Here and Slowing Down

Or walking through fears that create a physical tension within a new experience

I noticed tension upon having to be learning to drive, it is one of those things where of course I’m not at all used to it therefore the initial fear that comes with it manifests as a form of tension in my body where after some 40 minutes of holding the wheel my hand was quite sore for a moment, which made me realize how tense I was while learning the whole thing in my first day, today after having completed the second day of driving it was already quite less, but I made sure to write the following blog yesterday so that I could become aware of all of these points while having to practice again today.

I’m also learning to embrace these initial fears and have a clear idea on how the only way to transcend these fears that I had created about driving – and the plethora of possible scenarios – are only in my mind and that when one is ‘at the wheel’ all that is here is myself/my body having to follow specific steps that require my focus and attention on every single thing that happens in every moment. What I mean by embracing the initial fears is specifically related to not wanting to deny, suppress or make myself appear ‘stronger’ than this fear that manifests as a tension, otherwise my whole attention would go ‘up there’ in the mind, wanting to ‘fight the fears’ and I would then end up not being fully present in physical reality in the moment when I was having to be paying full attention to the guy giving me the instructions, which actually happened for a few times yesterday and a little bit less today, but still made the same mistakes which I’ll outline here.

I noticed how I wasn’t listening to him at first, but instead I was using ‘tension’ in my body as a form of control, when in fact that only makes it all much harder and physically draining – and even now several hours after such exercise yesterday, I had a mild headache – which is something familiar to me whenever I get too tense about something that I am trying to control through fear, instead of focusing on self-control as in remaining stable, present, calm which translates into more of an ease at a physical level. Today I noticed the tension and deliberately would make the change to hold the wheel in a different manner to be more aware of how my back was doing, practicing stability throughout the whole thing which worked quite well.

There were moments while standing in the red lights or when not having to be coordinating the various steps to drive where I could manage to loosen up a bit, but I interestingly enough found myself sticking out my tongue tip and touching my upper lip, which is something that I would do as a child in fact when having a ‘superior’ as a teacher showing me to do something and where I by default would take that ‘inferior’ position of being ‘the student’ within a certain experience of ‘I can mess up many times and it can be ok’ or diminishing the mistakes with a bit of goofiness, which sure can be done the initial times, but I liked the approach of the teacher on identifying the mistakes so that I could become aware of them and not repeat them.

So what I did was voicing out the corrections, repeating the steps with my own voice because I realized how listening to him was not enough when being doing the steps myself, I would try and control the whole thing with ‘doing things quickly’ which doesn’t really work in this case, and I in fact had to slow down more and be ok with not doing it ‘fast’ right away considering that I am doing this for the first time, lol, there goes ‘Marlen’s exigency’ there with ‘speed’.

In a way this whole episode of learning to drive brought me back to my relationship to learning with or from teachers and how many times I simply would not hear them and ‘do things my own way’ which of course in some contexts might have worked for me, but in this context, the specific instructions and steps to learn this are there for a reason, which is something I fortunately realized early on in the first lesson so that I could in fact pay more attention to what he was saying – nonetheless this initial approach of ‘believing I know’ and then doing it my way of course didn’t result at all, because I then repeated the same mistakes.

Interestingly enough I witnessed a bit of the beginning of the next lesson with another woman and I noticed how she was in fact listening to the instructions and doing things much more slower which was quite apt in this case – whereas I kind of went a bit ahead of myself and due to the fear/tension I got somewhat clumsy in terms of the steps to take, which fortunately enough were only at the beginning and the rest were better, which was the result of the teacher letting me know I wasn’t listening and that I had to listen to get it done right.

It’s kind of funny though because it is so that it reveals a lot about myself and all the times that I have wanted to ‘rebel’ and ‘do things my way’ when it comes to teachers, in a way holding this ingrained belief that they are ‘holding me back’ from doing it some other faster and more accurate way, but! I realized this was not the case and that I was only kind of acting out some of my previous relationships to learning and specifically within the context of ‘teacher-student’ relationship so, it was cool to redefine it in the moment and in fact be able to recognize where I was ‘coming from’ in my initial moves, so that I can then become humble, slow myself down and in fact listen to him, which worked a lot better for both of us of course, as well as continuing voicing the steps for myself too.

I also noticed how any form of judgment created in the moment of doing what can be deemed as the ‘tricky’ or ‘difficult parts’ and repeating these ‘tenseness’ during those specific steps can lead me to eventually create a dislike, resist or create a whole polarity of ‘the good/fun/chilled parts vs. the tense/difficult/bad parts’ of driving, or creating a preference on things where I then start fearing having to ‘do’ certain things, or fearing having to confront certain situations like being on the front line of a row of cars and not being ‘fast enough’ to step on gas and get the car moving or having to get the hang out of going up a slope etc. – I would notice the tendencies to be kind of immediately judging some parts as ‘nice and comfortable’ and others as ‘difficult, tough’ which I had to also in the moment let go of and rather in a way living the word ‘embracing’ as in realizing ‘it’s all part of it’ and so seeing that creating a preference would only become a hindrance and eventual problem for me to earn and imprint within me the driving process in a stable, precise and comfortable manner, with all its parts/aspects involved.

And I have known how upon repeating those same judgments for a long time can eventually lead me to in fact resist doing something, all because of the many times I allowed myself to judge something, to fear something and feed those thoughts every single moment that this same ‘step’ or point would emerge in my reality – so, this time I let go of it and rather decided to practice to get comfortable in doing it.

Yesterday I also noticed how I was breathing more deeply in an attempt to ‘relax’ myself but the fact is that I can see where I can instead prevent creating a build up, a tension that then goes into a ‘loosen up’ and relaxation, which I have created based on the way I had experienced some points within a positive and negative experience; so that’s when I decided to not give into these perceptions and instead, see the physicality of the moves, focus on the steps, the method and taking it as is, devoid of ‘extra adjectives’ or judgments I may create in my head.

 

Therefore this time today it was much better in terms of my physical body, I don’t feel as tense as I did before after the driving lesson. I was focusing on the street, the car, the wheel, the feet and hands etc. – which for now still came through with a tension at a physical body level, but I did notice that I didn’t allow myself to run amok with fears in my mind, even though I could see my propensity to create them, I simply decided to ‘not go there’ as in ‘into them’ and keep focusing on reality and continuing practicing listening to the teacher.

One day after learning some theory and basics on getting the car going and going straight into the traffic was quite unexpected to me, but I went for it and ‘did my best’ in the ways that I’ve explained here, from changing my relationship to being told exactly what to do and initially sort of reacting to it from the past memories of ‘learning’ from others to actually seeing how it was in fact important to Hear and do things step by step as intended – lol – and slowing down. I also realized my own foolishness of how in wanting to ‘figure it out myself’ I can imprint the whole basics in a clumsy manner, which is not the point here.

I also noticed how I have a lot of memories of an aunt of mine that would pick my cousins and I from school and she usually would drive a manual car. I was at the time very judgmental about her driving, believing it was too clumsy, too slow, too unaware and now in a way I got to place myself in her shoes and so realized as well how sometimes what it takes is literally ‘placing ourselves in their position’ to then understand why it could have been something difficult for her to do and in a way also learn from those mistakes to correct them within me, I had not even realized to what extent her driving skills had created an impact on me to the point where her driving and memories of me driving in the backseat with her were coming up quite frequently while I was at the wheel, fascinating – maybe only a little bit from my sister that also drove a manual, but I got to also realize how these fears about driving a manual would come from what I perceived back then were there many ‘close to crashing’ times I had with my aunt, lol.

Therefore tomorrow I can continue reminding myself to keep an eye on my body, my hands, my legs to see ways to loosen up the ‘ingrained fears’ so that the tension at a physical body can be relieved with practice and developing an eventual comfort with it, which is why for now I can’t judge myself and my tension because it is ‘normal’ in a way at the beginning of learning  to drive, and saw that yes it is something we are not entirely ‘prepared’ for, but we sometimes cannot be; sometimes we can only be ‘as ready as we can ever be’ and take the situation as it comes while knowing that whatever comes, we can take responsibility for it, we can ‘respond’ to it, we can find ways to solve it.

For now I have to practice slowing down, because I have tended to be too ‘considerate’ of others and rush the whole thing because of not wanting to ‘waste the other driver’s time’ which is the reason why in rushing, I’d end up making a mistake and not listen to my teacher, because I was more focused on the one behind me that on my own. Man, I’ve made this same anxiety/consideration towards others even in supermarkets with trolleys, lol so I definitely know this pattern and that means I have to give myself the space to slow the fuck down, seriously. No one started doing things perfectly so, here also the drivers that start honking, I’m sure they also at some point learned to drive and probably have forgotten to be considerate towards newbies like me.

What I’m practically learning is to not judge the mistakes, realize it’s a start, it’s a learning process and rather being careful enough with the outside environment as well as within my physical body, wherein I definitely want to be able to breathe and loosen up a bit every moment that I can.

Interestingly enough what I have noticed however after these three days of lessons is myself slowing down in relation to walking and interacting with cars as a pedestrian. I have explained many times how much I judged drivers and kind of expected ‘them’ to consider ‘me’ but now upon knowing how much there is to be aware of while driving, I am now being the considerate one and developing a lot of patience when crossing the streets, not risking it, not going by ‘impulse’ so again, this ‘placing yourself in the shoes of another’ led me to truly consider the position that people are at behind the wheel and be able to consider them a lot more than I used to, which is cool and safer for me considering that ‘speed’ is quite a tendency for me, so, lol I have to truly slow down, that’s what’s best for all for sure.

Walking through fears in a physical manner is definitely only possible by actually doing it. I’ve done the same with riding a bike which I still don’t do on a regular basis after a massive fall I had some 9 years ago, and the few times I’ve taken a bike were also steps to test myself, to see how I do with riding a bike and sometimes my whole body would go into shaking mode, and the memories of the gruesome situation would come up again, but that’s where ‘moving’ myself to make a change comes in the way of Not participating within those ‘flashbacks’ and simply keeping focused and stable and breathing as a point of physical awareness that brings stability and focus for me.

I am also thankful to fellow Destonians because I’ve been aware of how some have walked through the same fears and read their self-forgiveness on it, where I could see that the way to correct the whole experience is to be present, here, be focused on one’s body, one’s reality and practice, practice, practice, as well as being ready to face whatever challenges may come in self-responsibility.

I share here then some material that can be supportive for others learning to do the same which has been supportive for me, as well as a fresh video that talks about comparison but interestingly enough also sharing a very real situation of ‘learning to do something for the first time’ and the physical process it in fact takes to do so in a comfortable manner.

 

·         The Design of Powerlessness and Disempowerment – Principled Living Cerise and Joe sharing first hand experiences on fearing driving and how they overcome it.

·         Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience by Talamon

·         The Trap of Comparison by Sunette

 

Thanks for reading!

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


553. Impulsiveness and Slowing Down

 

Here I’ll share a bit further on a vlog I recorded about a situation that I created and participated on, and share more on how when we are caught up in an experience that is perceived as ‘positive’ and getting excited about something, that is where I see I can also easily lose track of common sense and get ‘carried away’ by the moment, and how this caused consequences for others and also myself but in a way I could not see these because of only looking at the event and situation through the eyes of ‘excitement.’

Now, the reason why it’s relevant to open it up is because in my life and process within walking with Desteni, I had focused a lot more on all the ‘negative’ or ‘emotional’ aspects in my life and so I have not focused enough in how I have also allowed myself to be ‘carried away’ through feelings such as excitement and expectation towards something in the future. I have walked the point of expectation quite recently, but now what is still there to look at is the excitement in itself and how this experience can be equally blinding in my experience as ‘anger’ would for example, and the reason why I have not questioned it as much is because of perceiving it as a ‘good thing,’ but! I have now proven that I can be completely carried away by a positive experience and not considering my thoughts, words and deeds in a common sensical and ‘cold-headed’ manner, meaning, not in the ‘heat of the moment’ which I bet we all can relate to when we are impulsive and do things because the moment is just ‘kind of here’ and everything is just ‘there’ for us to indulge into it or participate in something that sounds enjoyable, good, exciting – yet we don’t really take a moment to stabilize ourselves and look at the outflows and consequences of doing so.

Getting to know myself in this state of being is definitely a necessary process for me as well, considering how I’ve noticed at a physical level how over an extended period of time of building this apparently ‘nice experience’, my body gets drained and I feel quite affected by it after a while which proves the point of how any energy is actually consequential, no matter how we see it, perceive it or define it as either positive or negative. And here’s where I can stabilize myself in relation to moments and things I could perceive as ‘exciting’ in general, which I’ve seen is more related to how I approach the whole point or situation, because it’s not really about the ‘thing’ in itself, but how I react to it within a positive experience wherein I get too ‘caught up’ into the moment that I lose track of myself, my stability, my ground.

I’ve noticed this happening in conversations as well where as I’ve shared before, I can get ‘too intense’ and not hear what others are saying but be in this sort of high that comes almost in a stressful manner around others – especially when getting ‘in depth’ in conversations or meeting people for the first time where there’s this initial kind of jittery sensation or nervousness that I have to then stabilize myself through while I go in the conversation, which comes in the shape of deliberately focusing on breathing, taking more pauses and realizing ‘there’s no rush,’ there’s time and this has been going better with practice.

However when it comes to ‘being impulsive’ that’s the actual point to decode here where I have to make sure that while I notice I am getting excited about something – especially if it is in the context of ‘getting good news’ and having something ‘happen’ that I’ve been waiting for a long time – I have to make sure that I can stabilize and ground myself in my own two feet and think/consider things with a cold head, where I can yes be ‘excited’ about something as in realizing the possibility or certainty of something being done or happening that I am aware I can enjoy myself in, however to not make any further moves, decisions, actions within such feeling experience of excitement leading to an ‘impulsiveness’ that might generate further consequences not only for myself but for others as well.

What is funny is that to me it’s clearer why I should not make decisions while being in an emotional state, but somehow I kind of ‘threw out the window’ the realization that I also have to be careful of not making decisions while being in a ‘feeling’ state at the same time, hence the ‘impulsiveness’ that comes as a mixture of excitement, a rush and ‘heat of the moment’ to do something that I am not perfectly considering in all contexts and potential scenarios.

impulsive

n   adjective

1              acting or done without forethought.

So, if I look at it this way, this ‘forethought’ can be moment to first breathe myself back into my physical body where I am not taking for granted the experience of a ‘high’ I can be experiencing in the moment, but instead make sure I can ground myself until I am the regular stable-self I am aware I can be, where I can start looking at or ‘thinking’ about the situation with a cold head and without going into an ideal of ‘how awesome something will be’ because that’s entirely only existent in my mind based on the memories I have of similar situations in my past and that’s all the reference I am re-enacting: me experiencing certain energy within a similar context, which means it doesn’t mean that this is ‘who I will have to be’ in that context this time around, because, I’m certainly not the same as before. So this is to stabilize myself as the excitement that is emerging, which is more of a consequence of me having fed this ‘excitement’ about this event possibly taking place after a long time of me being ‘waiting for it’ to happen and yes, simply seeing it for what it is: it’s really not a big deal.

The point of acceptance and allowance of a ‘high’ with this experience is what I have to be aware and careful of because it is amazing how much I can lose sight of when being in this ‘high’ and in this sense, I can also see the potential of who I could be in those same situations if I decide to get off ‘cloud nine’ and back to physical stability.

This is the way wherein I can make sure that whatever I do and act upon is not ‘distorted’ according to this energetic high as excitement wherein I become ‘impulsive’ and not really giving a thorough consideration to who I am in those moments. Now, I also have to create an equilibrium because I’ve also been there in the past within over-analyzing things and generally then preventing myself from expressing enjoyment due to thinking that ‘enjoying’ something is ‘bad’ or ‘of energy’ only and therefore I should not indulge, when in fact enjoyment can become a directive expression in a moment, as the situation is ‘here’ and taking place, but certainly no point in doing so before it’s even ‘here.’

Here’s where the fine line must be drawn wherein I can see that one can genuinely enjoy something, and not have a ‘high’ experience as in energetic-experience within one’s body – and this enjoyment is more of a presence-fulfillment rather than this energy high where our pupils dilate and our heart beats faster and one gets jittery and nervous inside, but instead there’s like this all encompassing fulfilling experience that can be here as an expression at any moment if we decide to create it, but is not subject to something ‘detonating’ it necessarily.

At the same time here it’s also to see that certainly some events, situations or contexts we might find ourselves in can trigger these reactions, where I have to simply establish self-awareness at a physical level to ensure I am not ‘losing my ground’ or ‘losing my head’ and instead make sure that I’m here, grounded, stable and most importantly not causing a strain on my physical body because it Is almost an invariable thing that after a few hours of me participating in this ‘energy high,’ I get to feel drained and sometimes get a headache, sometimes get gastritis as well because of course no ‘energy’ is really positive, it is only a way in which we categorize it in our minds but all in all both positive and negative energies are consequential for our physical bodies and this can be understood through walking the Quantum Mind Self Awareness series.

I consider I have been processing quite a bit this impulsiveness in me and it can manifest even in a split second where I think I can do something and get into a split second of risk as well,  like crossing a street while cars are coming where I trust that I can run and save myself from being ran over but, is it really worth it to live this impulsiveness just to ‘save some few seconds’ of time to cross a street? No, and I can definitely see this split second of impulsiveness becomes an ‘over-drive’ in my body at the same time where I feel quite ‘energetic’ in a way or very ‘agile’ but the actual ‘drive’ and ‘fuel’ behind that is coming from an energetic source that ultimately has its origin in a fear, in a desire or a want at a mind level where I can lead me to do tenacious things out of ‘impulse’ and have grave consequences. So, I have to be more ‘down to earth’ in relation to this and clear-headed to not make decisions while in this ‘excitement rush’ or ‘impulsive rush’ but rather walk – both figuratively and literally – in a pace where I know I am settled and grounded and won’t try to get ahead of myself.

 

With doing this, I can prevent consequences, I can prevent outflows that I could have missed in the heat of the moment and  in rushing a situation, and that’s definitely what I want to do for myself, where no matter ‘what’ is going on even if it’s quite a cool situation I can be in, there is no high, because the experience at a mind level can feel ‘good’ but at a physical level, it sucks, it takes a toll on the physical body so here I commit myself to develop self-awareness in the midst of these ‘positive times’ and moments where I can learn to enjoy myself without going into a high and where I can remain stable and ‘cold headed’ and not lose my ground.

 Thanks for reading.

 

 Haste

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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