Impatience – in pain shuns
Being called ‘Ms. anxiety’ was not a matter of casualty – this is the way that my mother would call me whenever I would get desperate and anxious to get things done in the moment I wanted, whenever I wanted and as I wanted it, which is a pattern I had/have lived throughout my life. I now see it as her having to deal with a female version of my father in the role of ‘her daughter’ whenever I I would play out this pattern from a very early age in my life.
I would see the culmination of this when throwing tantrums every time that things didn’t go ‘my way.’ I would create and compound these energies that I would only ‘discharge’ in deliberate ways when I would exert them out in the form of what I could call extreme anger possessions. These were moments wherein in the middle of a tantrum I would go into a room or the bathroom in extreme anger and, in my mind being very, very pissed off about something which was usually linked to my pet peeves at that age. In between the crying while backchatting myself to sustain the ‘anger’ within me, I would take my body to a state of absolute shock until I would experience the type of chills that take over your entire body. In such moments after experiencing that ‘peak’ of anger wherein I could feel and experience all my nerves ‘piking up,’ I would then slow down, and then mostly remaining crying in guilt and even a form of pity toward myself, because of realizing that I was physically harming my body whenever I took myself to that point, I would even fear for my heart suddenly paralyzing in such moments. I guess this was my first ability to understand self-abuse at a physical level from which I would tell myself not to do it again, I can even remember giving little kisses to my arms because I could experience a great pain afterwards throughout my entire body which was obviously not cool to walk through. It was almost the same experience I would get when having to vomit when being sick.
So, back to here and how this came up.
I just experienced a pain on the top of my back and I saw that it emerged after walking through a point of having to answer someone’s posts while keeping it as simple and as common sensical as possible without allowing me to get frustrated and irritated by ‘the other person simply ‘not getting it’ without realizing that self-support must be here, unconditional and without any form of experience being created within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of applying self forgiveness for experiencing ‘impatience’ just because of thinking ‘I can handle it’ which is actually a point of ego wherein I am mostly not facing the point as myself and being aware of what I am participating at a thought level, and just ‘shunning it away’ to not realize that I am still reacting in frustration and irritation when having to explain something to someone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an entire physical tenseness where my jaw is mostly tense and in pain as I read through the words that I have to reply to and judging the person as ‘inept’ for not being able to ‘get it,’ within this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience of anger, irritation and frustration which I perceive as ‘impatience’ only once that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to keep going eventually manifesting as an entire physical experience of pain and discomfort which is here reminding me that I cannot just pretend that ‘I can handle it’ and not face the experience that I am creating within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create impatience out of wanting others to see as I see and understand at the same rate I understand and within this, not taking into consideration the the other person’s context and background which is what I must take into consideration before continuing creating any judgment upon another, which is simply unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert anger onto others through written words when becoming frustrated and irritated and get even more irritated if I see no ‘reaction’ within them either, which is quite a fuckup because I have become used to fighting others within anger and this irritation toward others that then becomes an irritation exerted toward the entire world without seeing/ realizing that such irritation and frustration is only toward myself, accumulated from my own procrastination to direct myself effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own irritation and accumulated frustration toward others whenever I perceive others to be ‘too slow’ to get it or having to explain the same point several times.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything is fine’ because the person perceives that I am being ‘patient’ through answering all the questions and feeling ‘good’ because the person is ‘getting it’ apparently, while in fact I am not being patient within myself, only writing in away that is able to be understood – however I take responsibility for my inner experience and STOP existing in this inner experience even if it is not noticeable through my words, so this is about allowing myself to be Self Honest about it, give myself this time to write about it and then continue walking which is cool and self supportive.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe every moment that I see this energetic experience of tension and impatience coming up which manifests as this entire tension in my jaw which leads me to have thoughts about just wanting to punch something/ someone lol even if I cannot see myself doing that in real life, but the experience is just like that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy as anger and frustration toward myself and exerting it out on to others as and through backchat which is only causing me to experience the effect of such accumulated energy as pain, instead of realizing that I can breath through it and disperse/ diffuse the point as I see it and experience it in the moment, breathing, here, not allowing myself to go into thoughts judging myself and others in that moment and not taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing, which eventually has nothing to do with ‘others’ but myself only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditionally here, absolutely here as myself replying and commenting toward others but creating a particular stance toward particular beings according to how I read them, how I see them and how I have formed a judgment around them. This is unacceptable and I see and realize that I am able to simply direct any point in common sense, unconditionally, regardless of ‘who’ the person is and within this, allowing myself to direct myself to not participate in any reaction, but only work with the words that are here to write and direct in means of self support for both parties one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as impatience in the past as a form of superiority when thinking that others are ‘too slow’ for myself which has lead me to drop out in many cases, just because of ‘having to wait for others’ and within this sabotaging my ability to stand one and equal as others as well as not completing that which I could have completed if I had been patient enough.
This made me remember that German course, well I took German twice in my life, basic courses and I dropped out of both mostly because of perceiving that everyone was too slow and the course was too repetitive whereas I wanted to ‘speed up’ and advance as fast as possible – within this I would blame the rest of the class for being inconsistent and not supportive to go faster through the courses. I lead myself to step in my superiority position and dropping out, deeming it to be ‘too slow’ for me, which lead me to simply ditch German courses altogether to my own detriment, because I simply didn’t continue out of this fucked up ‘pride’ of being ‘too fast’ for those courses – the joke was obviously only on me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to being ‘too slow’ for myself and within this only sabotaging myself as the opportunity to support me to slow down within my ambitions of ‘getting it done’ and ‘having things done’ as fast as possible, which is just a preprogrammed ‘treat’ of myself as a perfectionist, wanting to have everything just ‘done’ and ‘ready’ and ‘perfect’ in one go, while in reality this doesn’t work that way.
We actually have to Walk through the process of realizing that we are not alone in this world, we cannot possibly ‘run’ and ‘speed’ in our own bubble – I mean if we look at the example of those people that speed their cars, they are only caring for their own either timeframe or simple enjoyment of driving fast – which I see I enjoy lol – without actually caring about potential outcomes as accidents that may occur from such ‘speeding.’ I have judged these people as ‘inconsiderate’ without realizing that I have done the same as well, not ‘speeding a car’ because I don’t even drive yet, but speeding in my mind and wanting things and people to be ‘on the same page’ all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ‘inconsiderate’ when not slowing down and taking others into consideration when speeding up while driving, without realizing that I have been in essence playing out the same pattern but in relation to interacting with people and the general way of ‘carrying myself’ which is that of a constant ‘hurry.’
So, I’m aware of this constant hurry and almost ‘anxiety’ of how I have lived my life. This has substantially diminished, I mean, I would get this anxiety mixed with nervousness even by having to get out of my house and go downtown and having to walk through streets to get somewhere, which can be equated to ‘having to complete any task’ in my reality. There were hundreds of fears and thoughts going through my mind all the time as I would ride there, as I would step down of the bus and walk around – a lot of self judgment and fear which would lead me to hurry around the whole time until I would get to a ‘safe spot’ such as the coffee shop lol.
So, I can speak from how through walking these ‘usual habits’ through self forgiveness I have been able to stop such experiences by simply breathing through any single thought that could emerge indicating any form of nervousness, anxiety or any other fear within such simple activity like ‘going out of my house’ which I have defined as ‘safe spot.’
Through supporting ourselves to stop these experiences, we’re able to then see how such experiences are not only related to or limited to being physically moving or facing others, but are able to come up within our internet interactions. I can see this is one of the ‘shades’ of this constant hurry I would exist as, a constant exigency to have things done ‘my way’ and ‘as fast as possible’ while I would then deem the rest of the world was just ‘too slow’ for me, only sabotaging myself and miss the opportunity to slow down because of thinking that ‘everyone was wrong and too slow for me,’ instead of realizing: I am the one that must slow down, I am the one that must stand here as every breath wherein it is futile trying to ‘breath faster’ or anything like that. I mean, imagine if our physical bodies would suddenly decide to either be ‘too slow’ some days or ‘too fast’ other times – sure, metabolisms work differently because of various factors according to different people – however, it is constant as that organism’s nature. This is how we have to equalize ourselves to, that physical pace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘exigent’ toward others without realizing that I am not living that point of optimum living myself, by the single fact of such exigency coming from a personality/ ego pattern that is not in relation to the physical pace of our own breathing, of our own living process that is here moment by moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a ‘demanding’ stance toward others without realizing that I haven’t applied this toward myself and my own application unconditionally – hence it is ludicrous to ask or be expecting anything from anyone about something that I haven’t even lived by and applied for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘speed’ and doing things as ‘fast as possible’ with being efficient.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for having this constant ‘rush’ as a continual form of existing without realizing that I was living out and playing out the exact same patterns in my world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this mutual acceptance with my father as a form of ‘empathy’ within our own mindfucks, which is how I would then enjoy going out with him because of how fast he moves and how ‘efficient’ he is in everything he does.
I would enjoy walking with him because I would have to push myself to walk as fast as he would and in that, I simply pushed myself to become equal to that which I admired of him. As I have explained, is not that this is ‘good or bad’ but it is simply to place now this point and walk it in common sense where it is now very clear how within me existing in this constant rush and desire for ‘speed’ and ‘effectiveness’ I am limiting myself within a single frame of mind that prevents me from walking this point in equality within the consideration of What’s Best for All, which is then realizing I must live this point in common sense = considering each persons’ context before reacting or judging another for whatever I have compared myself to them.
I see how in essence this is how it works: we are constantly comparing ourselves with others when having any form of reaction or experience.
Thus, this point I take as a way to place into perspective how hurrying is literally a mindfuck, rushing everything in my mind then links to some form of ‘worry’ and unnecessary anxiety that becomes ‘frustration’ because of not having things working as I expect them to work out. This is how we usually then become our own mindfucks to deal with, this is how we do it all to ourselves.
Sticking to physical reality is then realizing: I am here as breath, I move and direct each point as I read through the words and reply in common sense without expecting or wanting a particular outcome wherein I can be ‘satisfied’ about others’ understanding. I simply direct each point as it is here on my screen, without holding any idea/ belief or perception accumulated over time on a particular ‘someone’ because I see and realize that this is in no way about ‘others’ but myself only.
Point by point, moment by moment we walk here and we stop ‘unleashing the dragon’ out of nowhere – apparently – and instead make sure we don’t accumulate all of these thoughts eventually becoming physical pain to ‘deal with.’
Such forms of abuse are unnecessary, we do it to ourselves = we take self responsibility.