Tag Archives: specialness

498. Deconstructing the Default Self-Specialness

Continuing from the previous blog

Here sharing Self-Forgiveness on the points I am committing myself to acknowledge as my creation, as my allowed participation in my mind that I want to change and turn into a supportive outcome for myself and the people I get to be involved with for a moment or for a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a positive experience in relation to people with whom I have developed a relationship where there is kindness but at the same time there’s the awareness of them being ‘attending me’ as in being there to assist me, to care after me and getting what I am looking for in the shop – or simply having a chat in the meantime – wherein when I see that another person comes into the shop and the attention veers toward that other person, I have allowed myself to instantly go into a ‘lesser’ experience of myself which I’ve felt in my physical body as a tightness, a tension directly related to the presence of the other person, instead of realizing that this is the ‘default’ experience of ourselves at a mind level where I constantly can perceive myself as ‘special’ or ‘unique’ or ‘having a special spot’ yet forgetting that this is the default experience that we all have allowed ourselves when in our minds, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind reacting to another person’s presence and in doing so perceiving it as a diversion of attention from others towards them – instead of remaining attending ‘me’, which is very much an egotistical experience where I stop considering another person in that moment and go into this tension and frigidity in that moment, which I’ve come to see is me in my body and mind conditioning myself to create a momentary friction and conflict about the presence of another person, instead of embracing the presence of not only one person but any other person around me, realizing their equal ability to get the attention from the shop attendants and at the same time push myself to be able to look at them, interact with them if the opportunity arises and in doing so, practically walk through my initial tension or subtle reaction to another’s presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in shops or other public spaces wherein there is supposed to be people ‘attending me’ and I get all the attention I require, and go into a subtle ‘low’ if the attention is given to someone else, which is very much also a programming I’d see as very common in me since being a little child, the youngest of the family, where I got all the attention and was quite spoiled in my own way, which led me to constantly add this ‘specialness’ to myself, who I am, what I do and if there’s someone else taking that one ‘special spot’ in whichever context, I then have allowed myself to go into a ‘low’ which is simply a perception of ‘me not getting all the attention’, but in common sense that’s how things should be and all that I require to do is to learn now to embrace any other person as an equal to myself, walk through my initial ‘discomfort’ toward them, understanding them as a ‘default’ reaction of myself in my mind-and-body so that I can then proceed to live the words of integrity and integration, embracing and equality towards others at any given time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in that ‘sinking’ experience within me upon noticing it was another young woman entering the shop and in that moment the activation of ‘women competition’ kicked in, in a very subtle manner wherein even if I am not thinking in competition terms, the tension, the discomfort that I experienced as taking over my physical body’s upper area is an indication that I am still reacting to the presence not only of other human beings in certain contexts, but specifically women where I then proceeded to feel ‘displaced’ in that moment where the conversation went towards here, wherein I went into a low and self-diminishment in that moment, which I saw and pushed through to remain in my usual presence, however the experience had already been developed, therefore

Whenever I am in any situation where I perceive that I am ‘alone’ and the attention is only ‘on me’ and I am creating a positive experience about it, I have to slow myself down to ensure that I am not going into a ‘high’ within me as the positive experience that can then rebound to a ‘low’ if the factors change in the moment and I stop getting ‘all the attention’ on me, because this then signifies that my interaction wasn’t entirely being in equality, in stability and comfort, because if it went into a ‘low’ all of a sudden, there had to be a pre-existent experience I was aware of.

So I can now practice this point where I can in those moments upon hearing or seeing that another person is also sharing that moment and ‘space’ in a shop or other place in a similar set up, I can breathe as a way to ensure that I am relaxed in my body and prevent through breathing the build-up of tension in my upper body, while I can deliberately remind myself to live the words embrace, equality, integration so as to ‘integrate’ the other people into the space as equals and embrace them, their expression in a way where I can be in their presence and remain comfortably in my body and even if the opportunity is there, proceed to interact and engage with them and have a chat if they also respond back in an equally open manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that there are such things as a ‘position’ of specialness and favoritism toward people wherein I have to let go of reassuring these ‘positions’ in my mind that I believe others have toward me and instead, fully develop my positioning as an equal in all aspects, which I recognize I’ve been doing better when it comes to supposed ‘hierarchical’ situations and learning to get past my elitist programming towards ‘others’ but I can still see this ‘regard’ that I’ve built towards myself in relation to how I expect to be treated as a signal that I have yet to completely let go of any default-specialness of my mind, any default ‘uniqueness’ and this can be practiced by focusing on breathing, stopping the insta-judgments of values based on appearance overall, based on gender, based on money, based on ‘positioning’ and in doing so, become the person that I want to be that truly embodies what it means to be equal to any other individual, where I don’t recreate the separations, the discriminations, the divisions that we’ve fueled in our minds based on a plethora of visual differences that are only that, a visual presentation but instead, learn to get to know each other as the words we speak and live, what we embody as ourselves because that’s where the real presence and essence of each other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still carry on with a subtle, unspoken or ‘without thinking’ comparison or even rivalry towards other women specifically wherein I am the one that is instantaneously judging them as ‘more than me’ based on certain attitudes or physical appearance wherein I am completely becoming me as my mind that judges, that values appearances, that compares and creates a verdict of me being more than or less than others… none of this is who I really want to be in those moments because it only recreates the plethora of separations that we are seeing more and more prominently in our world.

Therefore I have to practice letting go of my ‘inertia’ to these ‘quantum-judgments’ and assessments that I get to become aware of only after they have happened in an almost ‘automated’ mode, but even that, I challenge myself to be able to stop this very silent, very physically ingrained habit of comparing, judging or going into a silent rivalry/competition toward other women that I’ve perceived as ‘more’ than myself, which only exists there if I am still regarding myself as ‘inferior’ in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very age not know ‘what to do’ upon noticing distinctive physical features and appearances of people around me wherein I learned to create notions of beauty based on appearance and particular traits, but wasn’t really aware how to actually create a meaning that is substantial for real beauty in a person, which I’ve established that is not limited to only the first layer we get to see through our eyes in one person, because that is definitely something that we can all see and sometimes even agree upon by default – but also to include the essence, presence and substance of a person, who they are as the words they live and speak, the kind of being they are in their lives which is what I’d like not only myself but more and more humans to focus on at the same time, because I’ve complained myself many times of living in a ‘shallow world’ where only appearances matter, but the aspect of the substance behind that first-impression appearance is what I’d like to focus on and get to know in a person, to then learn from them, get to embrace them as a being more than just an image, because I, myself, would not like to be diminished to only being an image either.

I commit myself to practice in those moments when acknowledging the presence of another person through hearing them coming in, to instead of ‘avoiding looking at them’ which is not done out of privacy or consideration, but out of avoidance as a reaction to see them with my eyes, I can then test out actually turning my head and looking at them so that I can make the decision to in that moment apply these words: embracing, integration, equality and so direct myself to focus on my own physical presence, my own body, ensuring I am not going into a tension and if that happens, I can simply focus on breathing so that I can dissipate the experience before it builds up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without intent and in a perception of ‘respecting others’ privacy’ – apparently – have done onto others what I dislike being done onto me, which is that of deliberately ignoring another’s presence yet only reacting at a physical level about their presence, which is very uncool and I simply do not want to be that kind of person that eventually gets to a point of looking away from people on purpose so as to not have to face the various reactions that could be coming up in those moments. I rather learn to face and embrace the reactions and comparisons I’ve created so that I can work on them first hand and practice, practice, practice as much as it is needed until the presence of another human being – male or female- becomes indistinct to myself, to the moment and can instead practice to embrace them, integrate with them in the moment because that’s exactly what I’ve liked others doing onto me and I am aware first hand of how cool that is for all of us, so I definitely want to be entirely clear within me in relation to people, especially considering those ‘first ever’ encounters where I don’t even know the person, yet I am ‘reacting’ to them? Doesn’t make any sense, really, and that’s what we are and have become in our minds: separation, not making any sense and simply causing friction and conflict by default, but now it’s entirely up to me to stand as the directive principle of myself in my mind and my body so that I can then decide who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled in a very subtle manner this idea that I am ‘special’ and I deserve some kind of ‘special treatment’ wherein I believe that I am a person that ‘deserves’ something based on what I give, which should not be the case at all, because any kindness and consideration toward others is me giving it as an expression of myself, not as an ‘expected in return’ type of treatment which would only create the same kind of societies where we treat each other as walking numbers or assets, instead of redefining that value as the kind of person we are, the words we live, the actions we stand by and what we use our bodies, our minds, our words for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘default’ existence of myself in this ‘special-mode’ self-experience wherein then it is easier to create any sort of inner-conflict and go into an inferiority-mode because we are the ones sustaining that ‘elevated’ sense of self that can be easily threatened and rocked when perceiving anything or anyone as ‘more than’ something that we are defining ourselves by as a judgment or a value, therefore this proves that any superiority or inferiority complex are nothing more than judgments, values and perceptions that I’ve accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’ which in turn, through this identification, becomes a way for me to react to certain people – or not – based on this default programming of ‘my identity’ being those experiences, those reactions, that superior or inferior experience which is by all means something that I commit myself to stop fueling even in the silent and most subtle physical experiences that I can instead open up, face, investigate for myself and turn this whole comparison and competition mode into a supportive outcome for myself and so for others.

I forgive myself that I have lived a contradiction in terms of wanting to stand as equal to every other person, but still create these comparisons, judgments, notions of value and worth towards others and seeing them as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ myself, wherein I am in fact even in a silent manner, recreating the same mentality with which we’ve built this current world system, and I know for a fact It doesn’t serve life, it doesn’t have a default space for equality as life, therefore I/we have to be the people that can change our ways of interacting among each other if we truly want to create a world in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation upon meeting people for the first time of creating an impression upon them of ‘me being unique and special’ wherein I am by default wanting to be the ‘attention grabber’ that wants to make an impression but not yet for all the best reasons, but still coming through with some ego, therefore I have to be more aware of my choice of words, attitudes, expression in general ensuring that it is not being done from the starting point of continuing and feeding this ‘attention seeker’ or ‘attention grabber’ in me, and instead develop humbleness as a modest self that I can live with and stand by eternally as who I am, because it won’t be defined by highs or lows of energy, but instead expressing and allowing the real me to come through as a presence that I can definitely see is possible to continue developing, growing and expanding as myself in more moments of my reality.

I realize It is a matter of being aware of myself at a physical level, being aware of the subtle changes experienced at a physical level as sudden undercurrents that come up and transform into tensions or stiffness and in that moment investigate, look at what’s the programming that’s being triggered and so proceed to apply the words that I see would be most supportive in that moment.

This way, the practical application is an opportunity that exists whenever and wherever I see myself with more people in a context where I have created a ‘positive relationship’ towards something or someone and in that, making sure that I can ‘share’ that something or someone with others without reinforcing a sense of ownership or dominion over others, because that’s certainly not what I want to be and do, I want to stand in humbleness and equal-stance toward others, as well as letting go of notions of specialness or positivity attached to people, places or situations so that no matter where I am, I am here, I am expressing me without ‘highs or lows’ but practicing a continuous embracing of others in the space around me, and also get to chat with them or get to know them better as part of our shared moment and reality, no matter how short or long it might be.

Thanks for reading

 

Silent Interplays

 

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437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Here I share some practical steps to consider whenever this particular experience of feeling left out, feeling like not belonging, feeling like one is being judged by others in a particular group or environment, or that one is the ‘odd one sticking out’ etc.

 

If you’d like to have more context as to how I walked this point of ‘the outcast’ you can read the whole story I wrote some years ago of how I experienced this here: ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

 

Whenever you feel like there is no ‘room’ for you somewhere, as if you simply were being ignored by others or deliberately ‘left out’ – first point is to clear oneself from these perceptions, always realizing that these are perceptions created in one’s own mind, therefore: they are not in fact real. We make them real when living out this self-rejection in fact, which means these thoughts make us want to keep quiet, remain isolated and deliberately not interacting with others, because we are in fact very occupied in our own minds building up the feeling of being the outsider, the outcast. Funny, isn’t it? We actually create our own experience and feed it through thinking. And what I’ve noticed is that if we wait for someone asking us directly to ‘come and share’ or ‘speak’ or ‘join in’ it will not happen that often

Therefore:

Instead of continuing churning the outcast character in the head, take a breath, and make a very physical and decisive step to Participate which practically means: take part in/ be a part of. How? Speak, write, let yourself be read/heard and so known. We often make the mistake of waiting for the right moment to share some perspective or point of view or simply to start the very basic point of communicating, which is also a decision one makes to interact with someone else.

Throughout these first steps, it is likely that some voices in the head of being disliked or not being welcomed, or ‘no one asking for your participation’ to come up. In this: keep on reminding yourself of these being words that one has most likely created over a long period of time in our heads, therefore they are not ‘what people really think’ or are at all disclosing the reality of the situation, they are entirely our own creation, therefore we can stop participating ‘up there’ and rather continue the physical process of writing, speaking, sharing oneself with others.

Also important to note that it is not like these judgments will go ‘easily’ or  ‘go away forever’ with just stopping them once. Nope. We have trained ourselves in our minds to continually have ‘something to say’ as in some kind of judgment, fear  that turns into an anxiety, an insecurity, a bunch of questions about ‘others’ and how they relate to us. But two things are certain: one is that these experiences have been ‘recorded’ in our mind, therefore are self created and as such we can stop participating in them; and the other point is that whatever anyone else holds as a judgment, perception, idea, belief about oneself or others, it is also entirely their creation and so their point of responsibility. This assisted me a lot to take whatever judgments or criticisms for what they are: mind perceptions that have no impact or ‘value’ toward myself, because I have by now gotten to know what I am, what I am not which means: I cannot allow another’s words to define me. Of course unless it is not a judgment and someone is giving some kind of feedback about myself that I could take into consideration as a point of self support, but that is then just that: constructive criticism that one can look further within oneself to see what can we learn from it.

 

Another point that was ‘hard to admit’ at the time is how my own ‘outcastism’ was in fact a point of superiority, waiting for people to specifically ‘ask me’ for something or ‘focus on me only’ or ‘pay only attention to me’ which is quite ludicrous because in this I am in no way being a ‘fair player’ in the interaction, but in fact demanding some special attention and care. Is this self-honest as in really applying the principle of equality where one realizes that no matter ‘who’ is speaking to, ‘where’ one is at, we are all ultimately equal at that level of humanity, therefore there is Always something that connects us, something we can talk about and relate to, just by the fact that we have the ability to communicate between each other as species. It is funny how many times we forget about this and create a wall of judgments between each other that divides us, when these ‘walls’ are in fact invisible, self created and so ‘the wall’ can be self-demolished in one single moment where one makes the directive decision of ‘I am here, I participate, I share myself, I communicate, I unconditionally become part of the moment/discussion/interaction with others. And so, what I noticed is that it feels like taking a dive into a pool where one knows it will be a bit cold, might be a bit of a fright initially, but it gets better once you are actually doing it. This in fact applies to many other things we usually fear to do.

So linked to this, in my case I had to become aware of not stepping on my ‘high horse’ and believing I could only communicate or be friends with or interact with people that were ‘at my same level’ in whatever I defined ‘that level’ to be. Therefore this means the ability to be humble and unconditional when giving these first steps of interaction. What do these words mean? Being able to talk to others or approach a point of communication without having a particular ‘agenda’ behind, a particular intent or point of personal interest that could be already ‘clouding’ one’s ability to be clear in what we want to say. This personal interest also includes those judgments where we are Only considering oneself, as if everything revolved around ‘me’ only, when in fact what I’ve found is the best way to initiate any interaction and virtually be able to approach any person and talk to them is by being very stable and quiet in oneself, and sticking to the moment: not having any ‘desire’ – therefore unconditional – behind the communication other than making it a clear decision to speak, share, communicate, write yourself in an interaction with another, scheduling meet ups with others etc.

 

These are some considerations where the focus is on the ‘what to do’ or what kind of words can one live to get out of the ‘outcast’ experience and instead ‘cast’ oneself to participate in the communication and interactions with others.

No need to ever desire to ‘be a part of’ because we are Already a part of this world, everything and everyone here. It is more like realizing that no one else is supposed to ‘make space for you’ or tell you that ‘you belong’ because that only creates an idea or experience, when in fact, there is no need for that. I’d rather suggest realizing that I am here, therefore I am part of life and this world, therefore I accept myself as that part that I am in this life and take part in co-creation by establishing communication, contact with others.

There is nothing more fulfilling in fact than deciding to step out of one’s shell and connecting with people. Nowadays, there is no excuse really because we live in the ‘era of communication’ and it is frankly a bit absurd that the ‘internet era’ and generations could become more isolated behind the gadgets that are supposed to unite us. Time to use them to do just that: to connect with each other, to share, to speak up, to unconditionally let others know who we are and what we are up to in this life, no need for ‘special’ experiences or hidden agendas in this, but rather taking it as a statement of honoring that part of life that we are and the space that we breathe as part of life, of everything that is here.

And so, because we can all learn from each other, let me know your feedback if you do apply some of these points and how you find out they work out for you. These are only some aspects I’ve applied – and continue to apply – myself whenever the ‘outcast’ or ‘feeling left out’ experience creeps in, then I decisively step in and ‘let me share me’ – lol. So, I share also the links from others that have been sharing about this topic as well, which is great because it broadens our awareness on how this particular ‘mindset’ can exist and develop within ourselves.

 

Recommend to read/listen to them:

Day 1100: Outsider
How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone

Outsiders – day 695

Day 577 – Do I not belong?
Day 39 – Feeling Like an Outcast

Life Review – The Outsider

 

Best to stop the ‘self imposed’ tag as an ‘outsider’ and instead ‘cast’ oneself into taking part of living and connecting, communicating, relating to others which is also the way we can learn so much more about ourselves, which would not be possible if one deliberately isolates oneself.

 

 

If you don't try nothing will ever happen

 

 

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240. Inequality in Education: Everyone’s Responsibility

“the Education System that caters for only a select few Intellectuals that in the Teacher’s eyes are guarded as “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen” with regards to Intellect and their Future in/as the World System, with the World System again in its relationship to MONEY only cater for a minority / select few in their relationship to Money to be “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen”. And in this – the Teachers, and also not those within the World System, would ever consider standing up for an equal and one solution to ensure that All Children have an equal and one opportunity to Education, and so eventually Money; because we’re all so blinded by Hope/Promise in our Minds that one day something may/might Change, while we continue living in/as the systems of this world that is perpetuating inequality, separation and Consequence. All of which is the same that 2012, that those that define themselves as “special, important, unique, elitist, chosen”, would remain so in their Minds, in their relationship to their Hope and Promise, without ever questioning, but “what about an actual, real, tangible Equal and One Solution for all, within and as this Physical Existence”, and would not have a ‘care in the World about the Rest’…Only Themselves.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Continuing from:

 

I will share some ingrained memories I have wherein at the moment I placed myself to review the inequality I witnessed in the schooling system, the memories that came up were those that I experienced from first grade of kindergarten to 1st grade of elementary school – three different contexts and people wherein I created the awareness of there being people that had a really tough time within school, but, I did nothing about it, I simply stared just as everyone else and accepted the fact that there was something inherently wrong within them.  As Sunette explains in the quote above, I played that role of being ‘the teacher’s favorite,’ and have placed myself in the victimized position of being teased for being that, even if many others wanted my position: both poles or any ‘side’ for that matter that is not standing in equality is equally fucked, because even if you get the recognition from the adults, you get bashed by your peers. This is how it is so vital to expose how within this ‘good/bad’ student and everyone else in between create the basis of inequality within society, because one grows up believing that one is really a ‘chosen one’ to become this great thing and that there will invariably those that will have to be below you for whatever reasons – I.Q., economic standards, ethnicity, apparent lack of skills etc.  And I witnessed that myself. 

 

The points Ill share here are the moments wherein within me I went into a ‘cannot compute’ experience, simply because of probably wanting to ‘do something about it,’ but just like any other group psychology situation, I remained quiet, I accepted the outcomes without a question. One can say, well you were a little kid, but the fact that these memories are still here imply that I was in fact aware of what went on that it created an effect within me in order to create certain beliefs of people’s abilities and skills.

 

School system – Writing

What happens is that you become completely enthralled with this idea of success that one miss out all those ‘left behind’ that just like with ‘poor people,’ the usual belief is that it’s their fault, they are lazy, they don’t do things properly, they have certain nutritional problems and their minds can’t function properly, they just can’t ever be good enough, they are poor and their parents were poor and have no proper education – all of this is part of what I have participated as well within backchat, without ever questioning further why was this monetary inequality an aspect that could influence a person’s development in school.

 

The inequality witnessed in school began as early as kindergarten in my experience and first memories.  At the end of first year of kindergarten, we were going through our final evaluations that consisted of identifying the colors and some other basic stuff, and one of  my classmates could not learn the colors properly, he failed twice – or maybe more times probably – to differentiate them and he essentially was declared as the first kid that had ever flunked  first grade of kindergarten… I was shocked and saddened for him, I could not ‘get it,’ why he could not learn the colors and would always get it wrong. I remember others making fun of it of course, I could not make fun of that, but did think there was something inherently wrong because to me it was ‘so easy’ – but then came the usual shoving the point aside as an  ‘anyways!’ and accepting the fact that he was lazy with school work and he simply was inherently flawed.  He was taken to another school and as such, just like anything else that ‘came to pass’ I never questioned such event ever again until now.

 

Next memory is third grade – kindergarten – exchange student from New York, he was taken to my school since it was a bilingual one. I can’t understand how I was able to pick up what he was saying – or maybe I made it all up  since I was only 6 years old – but we got to know that his parents were getting divorced, he was like 8 years old but was placed in our grade to learn Spanish. He was in such an emotional turmoil, he’d cry in class, throw tantrums and everyone including myself would only stare at him as if he was quite the rare specimen for behaving that way in school which would distract others and essentially take the teacher’s attention to calm him down, also he would not generally be willing to participate with the rest of the activities. I ended up liking him and playing with him sometimes and found out he was ‘normal’ when not dealing with school stuff, seems he was only having a problem with authority and our grumpy teacher, who I must say was a good teacher, but extremely strict for kindergarten kids and was quite impatient, so… he suffered a lot with her. Lol he would whisper us all the answers in our English class, but obviously he did not do good in any other subject besides English,  it’s as if he was in school in an attempt for someone to educate him while his parents were missing out a crucial time of his upbringing and on top of that, in a foreign country among kids that cannot understand everything you’re saying, quite an irresponsible move from everyone involved in that.

We never question how the lives of such children will be affected  in their educational process at school by external situations,  such as parents breaking up and only reprimand them further for not being able to ‘focus and pay attention’  instead of actually learning how to speak with them and establish a point of support throughout their experience.  I do remember my teacher speaking a lot with him, I would get a sense of tension and nervousness because of not knowing what to do while witnessing the levels of instability he presented – one can say that in our  current definitions of ‘mental disorders’ he would have probably been medicated, not sure even if he even was already. He was hyperactive and quite a cool kid obviously, but it’s really unacceptable how we do not have any form of consideration and regard to support people that are mostly living out a consequential outflow of some parental irresponsibility, as well as an education system that is not designed to consider the individual’s experience and provide specialized support for them.

 

Third memory – primary school, first grade, 7 years old. One of our classmates that I realized was from a ‘lower class’ is asked to go to the blackboard to do some basic maths. Now, this point I have to make clear, I grew up going to private schools, this is a ‘common thing’ when your parents have sufficient money to do so, just because public schools here are not providing ‘great education’ and obviously, the majority of the population is educated in them. Proof is I had one just around the corner of my house and I would go to one far away just to have the education that I got.  And so, it was a well known fact that people with scarce money would go to public schools – and parents that would make a big effort to send their kids to private schools were then quite a rare thing to witness, but it was so with this kid.  So, he went up to the blackboard and he simply stared at it, twitching his eyes, running in circles throughout the whole process only managing to mark lots of dots on the blackboard, but no number at all, he was quite nervous, so much that I would get nervous as well while looking at him, asking myself how come he can’t do that basic simple operation! I don’t know how or why. But I immediately associated the fact that ‘he didn’t have much money, his parents were not that well educated, hence he had learning problems.’ He had lots of problems to ‘make it,’ he only lasted one or two years within the same school, same problem: too strict, almost zero tolerance to kids fucking up which proves the point of how throughout the years we ended up being reduced to a group of 7 people and that was quite the ‘perfect’ elitist learning experience, which is what I owe to greatly my current skills.

Just to give you an idea of what happens when you work in a reduced group at school: we began looking at topics that were meant for junior high – such as algebra, trigonometry, equations, etc. in our last grade of elementary school. We were able to finish our regular curriculum long before the scheduled time and so, we would go out to museums, factories to witness production processes and other places. We then would go out to eat, watch movies and so forth, lol, it was certainly not a regular  school experience, most certainly a privileged one I’d say – but I had no reference of other kid’s experience except through TV or something like that. which I later on went through as well and realized what a ‘real school experience’ was in terms of having different ‘types of people’ and everyone just getting along with certain people and still having the same fucked up hierarchical schemes of ‘good students and bad students,’ that remained a constant of course. Even in the reduced number of 7, hierarchical positions remained just because of how grading systems work.

 

So, we can see how the optimal point of education would be to not have a schooling experience like the one we have now, but maybe smaller groups of study that can learn the basic skills, math, language and have personalized support to develop one’s skills and interests. This learning process in an Equal Money System won’t be any longer motivated as an indoctrination process to ‘equalize people’ to a hierarchical system, but rather giving actual support to people to develop themselves.

Also in the equality system, education will begin at home with the parents, we are able to develop an equal stability that will reflect upon the child’s development in the learning process and throughout their entire lifetime. We can already see how this primordial flaws that begin at home and how the first days at school can define a person’s experience for a lifetime. It is absolutely ridiculous to accept the ‘limitations’ I have placed in this blog as ‘real problems’ or unsurpassable obstacles. Hence, we are here to definitely become aware of what we’ve become and how we have to essentially start from scratch to educate ourselves as living beings that are able to support each other to Live, because in the end, that’s what actually Matters within the Education process:  stopping linking education to survival-mode skills to make the most money through competing against others,  which is the enforced conditioning we currently call ‘educational process’

 

To come, self forgiveness, self corrective statements for having never questioned the privileged life in education I had and how within that, I inherently accepted the above mentioned ‘flaws’ and inequality while continuing my career to seek my personal interests and leaving the rest ‘behind,’ without asking any further questions.

DSC01820

 

Blogs:

HOPE – the Metaphysical Carrot (Part 4): DAY 240

Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

This blog is part of the After Death Communication Series

 

Interviews:


229. Not Understanding the Mind leads to Insanity

Self-Addiction to Emotions and Feelings as ‘Who We Are’ = Self Interest

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

“the Mind/Energy will ‘fight’ for its Polarities, its relationships, its For/Against definitions, because in this process – it maintains friction/conflict, which is what fuel the existence of the Mind, which is what fuels the existence of this very World System, which fuels the attention-diversion/distraction of the Majority of Humanity to be preoccupied in Polarities, Polarity definitions, fuelling separation “divide and conquer” – while the Minority Elite take the reins of Humanity/life on earth – cause no-one is willing to give-up/let go of their Polarity, their Personality Definitions and actually UNDERSTAND ALL THINGS and align them into and as equal and one Solutions for ALL.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Self Forgiveness on who I shaped myself to be as my emotions and feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the energy of friction and conflict as ‘who I am’ within my mind without realizing that it was a part of me that I believed I had a ‘right’ to exist as, because: it is coming from me, it must be me – and in this abdicate my very first awareness to the thoughts in my mind as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am,’ and from that moment on, losing any perspective to question my thoughts and experiences coming up in the mind and felt in my physical body, but instead simply continued to believe that this inner experience of friction and conflict had a reason’ to be inside me and such, begin defining ‘who I am’ according to my mind, the nature of my thoughts, how I experienced myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings wherein my attention then centralized and focused on Me, My Mind, How I feel, beginning to neglect the rest of the beings and reality in itself just because of being focused on ‘who I am as the mind,’ missing out even the reality of myself as my own physical body within this mind-mode.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually use and fuel my own self conversations as a form of entertainment and re-assuring that ‘I am this mind,’ because the process of identifying myself ‘as my mind’ became solid as a child and as such, having this be confirmed by people around me when they started to identify me with a certain character like being ‘angry’ or ‘too aloof’ or ‘too conflictive’ or spoiled, which lead me to continue growing up believing that there was a ‘problem’ within me and that I was not normal/ not as other kids because of having this inner-conflict within me of any kind really,  that I could not ‘sort out’ but believe that ‘this is who I am/ I was born like this/ there is no solution’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this friction and conflict is something that defines me and that I would have to bear with the rest of my life, that there was no questions about it and that I would most likely end up like the adults, being able to ignite in extreme anger in one moment and not be able to stop, which indicates how I became aware of emotions as the aspect I resonated more with, which became a point of identification just because of what I had been exposed to in my reality as a child, which then defined ‘who I am’ according to these surges of anger  and distress that I would experience but was not able to solve within myself, therefore accepting these surges of energy as incontrollable/ unstoppable and ‘who I am,’ which is how I have come to accept the totality of the mind as myself without a question.

 

I realize that yes, the mind represents everything that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves from as ‘our nature’ as humanity which is not of harmony or completion or stability or benevolence, but, of actual evil as the reverse of life as all aspects of separation that we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. This is how I realize that I accepted conflict as a ‘problem’ within myself – just as any other human being – and that due to not knowing how others would also experience themselves, I created a point of specialness as in having some form of ‘anomaly’ for having these ups and down experiences which I identified as being actions that only ‘crazy people’ would have/ experience, eventually wearing the tag as a way to justify my inner conflict and even take proud of that because in one way or another, I was justifying my own personality as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for having this ways of being which I actually fooled/ kid myself to believe I had no control of, when in fact as I review  such moments, I realize I absolutely was aware of what I was doing and how what I did was a deliberate point of causing and instigating conflict within myself as entertainment and others, because it just felt ‘good.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use friction and conflict within me as a point of self-infatuation and entertainment wherein I began only focusing on ‘How I felt’ in every moment wherein I was given the option to ‘feel good’ or ‘feel bad’ and define everything in my life according to likes and dislikes that became points/  aspects of self identification by people in my environment as ‘who I am,’ and within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because people were okay with having things that they like and dislike or specific characteristics/ moods/ preferences, I was able to then do the same and seek the most unique ways to exist in comparison to them, which is how everything that I perceived as ‘normal’ around me, became my standing point to define myself as everything that I would be ‘against’ to, without realizing that it was never ‘Me’ as a physical being living at all, but just existing as a mind that would lead to define oneself according to standing ‘against’ the majority, standing against/ opposing one’s “normal-environment,” only for the purpose to have a way to stand as a ‘different’ or ‘authentic’ personality defined in opposition to others, and in this only fueling and supporting the separation, the friction and conflict that ensued from that moment on in my life,  wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this identification of who I am as the mind, I defined ‘who I am’ according to being ‘the opposite’ to what my family and peers at school represented, and as such, build  my own specialness and security within these definitions at a mind level, which only lead me to every time seek to upgrade my ‘personality’ and preferences, characteristics as a way to not only then antagonize my family or people at school, but the world system in itself in a spiteful mode that I took on toward everything and everyone, without realizing that everything that I spiting at all times was only myself when and while neglecting my very own physical body and the substance that I am as life, using it to power and fuel my  mindfucks, literally, which is unacceptable – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept this culture of ‘personality cultivation’ and creation based on defining me as a particular character with preferences and temperament as all the thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions I started creating as ‘my point of view’/ my way of being, without realizing that every single definition that I took on as myself became just another way to define myself As something that would invariably stand within one pole that would create friction/ conflict/ react to the opposite pole as another definition to which I would invariably react to, as I had to somehow ‘defend’ myself as My definition whenever the opposite would present itself in my reality.

I realize that I always had one moment before reacting wherein I would actually decide to ‘role play’ my part and react to that which I was supposed to react to based on my preferences, my personality and that which I defined would make me ‘angry’ or ‘mad’ or happy or sad or excited based on the preferences and personality that I began cultivating as a child as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fill the character’ that I became by my own apparent ‘will’ to do so, and do, react, say and speak the way that I had built myself to be, do, act and speak like, within this complying to the social norm of becoming a character that is predictable and would react against/ oppose or like that which is defined as the oppostite polarity of myself. Within this also,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘follow through’ with my own script throughout the years and continue fulfilling the reactive character every time that I was almost expected to ‘fulfill the character,’ which is how I realized that the personalities that I created were mostly  ‘a show’ for others, a way to stand in self-importance, specialness, uniqueness and in that learned to only focus on my self, fulfill myself, react when I was expect to do and never question again this as something that could be stopped, because, I had already ‘gotten married’ with the idea of myself/ gotten too much into character, which then became a Lie I had to follow through with and eventually it integrated fully as ‘who I am’ over the years and that was it. I believed that I could not ‘change me’ and stop participating in the character because of the fear of ‘who would I be without it,’ not realizing that the only thing that fears stopping self definitions is the mind, not who we really as as a physical body that is actually being abused and neglected throughout our developmental processes in the mind wherein we are only focused on cultivating our characters and self-experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the inner conflict experienced would always be with me and that I would grow up to be as angry/ neurotic as the adults I was aware of in the family, and that I would end up being somehow sick and with some form of mental problem or disorder as well as an emotional problem – such as chronic depression or constant worry and stress – without ever really having investigated how this all was just part of me having identified myself with my thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘who I am’ as well as adopting the ‘ways of being’ from the characters around me in the family/ society, and as such, believing that I had something ‘wrong’ within me because the inner conflict would not go away – hence believing that I was invariably going to have a ‘disease/ sickness/ mental problem’ at a later stage in life – hence

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize to what extent there is ignorance in humanity with regards to the nature of how the mind works, wherein one single energetic experience was perceived as something utterly ‘wrong,’ or a malfunction, anomaly or disease because of how we’ve programmed ourselves to believe that what we see on TV or as the façade of each other as ‘harmonious,’ ‘happy’ and naturally joyful beings was in fact ‘real’ and had to be ‘who we are,’ without realizing it is a masquerade to hide the actual fear, stress, depression that is experienced within, as that is the nature we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind, fueling this constant belief that we have to ‘keep up with the positive’ while all the time we experience this inner-conflict when participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions that veered toward the opposite and no matter how we categorize our experiences as positive or negative, they all represent a point of conflict which indicates energy which is of the mind and as such, able to be stopped and self corrected as a point of Self Responsibility.

 

I realize that this  ‘incongruence’ of my inner experience and the outer experience I was supposed to present, created a rift within myself believing that ‘there was something wrong with me,’ and this mostly being talked about in the media as mental disorders and being depressed or having low self esteem, being addicted to a form of self-abuse, belittlement and all of that which was considered as a mental problem/ a Grave problem, which I then kept quiet about and kept a well placed façade of ‘everything is fine, I am perfectly normal,’ even within my dissident/ antagonist characters, but ‘normal,’ and such, veering toward other ways to ‘make sense’ of my inner conflict, leading me nowhere but further confusion and relationships that supported this inner conflict, which became the focus on my life, trying to make sense of it through others, through living the lives of others and avoiding looking at my own, becoming friends with and having relationships that I thought I could use as a way to sort out my own inner conflict through others, instead of focusing on my own and within this, only aggravating the inner conflict that I kept for myself all the time, out of fear of actually having to ‘ask for help.’  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label these energetic experiences as ‘mental disorders’ to that are in fact the ‘normal’ workings of the mind within how it  operates and understanding that for that matter, all human beings could be labeled as having some ‘mental disorder’ because The Mind in itself works through friction and conflict that we perceive as our emotions and feelings and thoughts, inner conversations, backchat – therefore there was not going to be in any way a ‘mental health’ or stability possible as long as we would seek only to make people ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ and get their ‘motivation’ back up, which is why and how I always resisted having any support because it seemed to phony to just veer to the positive and ‘be happy’ while the reality that I was witnessing, was nothing but happy for everyone, was nothing but harmonious wherein I would witness a world that was existing in constant fights and problems with money, politicians, poverty, wars and all of this only meaning to me one thing: this world is crazy and so am I, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘the state of the world’ as a way to justify my experience as being ad hoc to the state of the world – madness, instability, depressio, crisis – hence the entire characterization of ‘the sensitive being’ that reacts to what others apparently would not see, and in this becoming even more self absorbed in my own emotional experiences about the world, linking that to ‘art’ and ending up victimizing myself, believing that ‘there is no way out, it’s the devil’s way now’ which is how I see obviously even the music that I would hear would support this entire ‘depressed’ character not because I was not being supported to live – that’s why it is the elitist character, because I was not suffering a physical life of Lack of money/ health/ poverty or abuse – but I was only focusing on cultivating these emotions and ‘sensitivity’ to the world as a point of self interest, because of having learned how ‘artists were sensible beings’ and I actually made people accept me as ‘different’ due to this so-called ‘sensitivity’ and ‘specialness’ that I built in within myself, getting completely in this character that was probably even ‘allowed’ to be alone, isolated, depressed because of the same character of which I also expected to make a ‘name’ of myself for,  and justify my non-compliance to the system as well as defending my ‘point of view’ to not even attempt to create a change within the system itself – in essence: the ultimate justification to Not stand up for my life and the life of this world in equality.

 

All the time that I only cultivated my personality, my inner conflict, my dissatisfaction with life, my helplessness, my worry, my concern, my sadness toward the world, my depression, my confusion about people, my judgmental experiences of opposition toward ‘the world system,’ my desires to just ‘fly away’ and be out of the system, desires to expose the ‘ugly through something beautiful’ in some form of expression were again only actions, words cultivating a character within me, wherein I was not actually willing to investigate my self-experience, my mind and How I had created it, but only ‘get the most of it’ and making it into an acceptable character in society which is why I veered toward arts/ humanitarian studies and ‘dissed’ my apparent potential to become something else because of getting into this ‘sentimental character’ that was apparently my ‘humane’ aspect to cultivate as ‘my real personality’ – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to cultivate my emotions  in order to be on the side of those that were ‘alive’ and could see the world and be sad about it and depressed and feel ‘misunderstood,’ which became really just another self-interest game where I would only remain as a victim, living in constant drama and this belief of there being something ‘wrong’ within me because of not being ‘happy’ and ‘joyful’ naturally – without realizing that:

I had never in fact understood how the mind functioned and how even if I was addicted to feeling sad, sorry for myself, depressed and victimized all the way, is still the same as fixating on everything that is positive, happy and joyful that I criticized extensively in the past, which proves the ignorance toward our own mind wherein we believe that we are somehow being more ‘responsible’ for being sad/ gloomy/ angry at the world when it is just another way to focus on our own experience and not really at all looking at the world and realizing that there are solutions required that will not be solved with us ‘feeling bad’ about it, that’s just blatant self-interest and an actual defense mechanism to not become a sound being that can stand in the face of reality and take absolute self responsibility for ourselves/ the world here as breath, which is what I have realized within this process: we cannot sustain this self-interested experiences of ups and downs and seeking happiness or being subsumed in depressions- which is the same thing – but actually stop participating in all forms of energetic experiences and focus on integrating ourselves to our physical body here as breath, that does Not require to have a particular ‘stance’ toward the world as an experiencing ourselves to do, be, say and act toward what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to expose how our energetic fixations of the mind as desires, wants and needs – as well as rejections, denials, suppressions – represent the ‘who we are’ as the mind that functions through energy, which is who we have become as consciousness and within this, exposing how we have diminished ourselves in the physical to these limited characters that fight and define one against the other with no ability to actually create solutions, stand up for that which matters, because we are so busy trying to sort out our inner experiences, without even looking at the consequences that are ensuing from such self-experience as a drug of the mind. And so

 

I commit myself to stop any mind fixation within me either perceived as positive or negative and any participation in the self-definition of who I have been as a point of  preference or habit in order to finally be able to stand as  a sound stable physical being that can be effective to be self directive, self-motivated to establish solutions in this world and stop wallowing in any form of self experience as the result of seeing ‘the state of the world’ as that is only but a mechanism of defense to continue existing as a mind that ‘feels’ and ‘becomes emotional’ but establishes no solutions to the problems we’ve created, which is our responsibility at all times.

 

I commit myself to expose how our ‘mental instability’ is nothing ‘out of this world,’ but the mechanism of how the mind works and for this, realizing that reducing ourselves to have some form of ‘mental instability’ is the ultimate self-incapacitation in order to believe that we are not ‘strong enough’ or ‘good enough’ or ‘capable enough’ to stand up to create solutions in this world.

 

I realize that the moment we focus on our mind problems/ inner experience, we absolutely miss out the reality that is here and this is how it is imperative for all of us to get to a point of constancy and consistency as the stability that we are able to all live by here as Breath, as life in the physical, so that we no longer get distracted by our energy fixes of the mind as ‘problems’ and ‘instabilities’ that are self created just as another attention diversion aspect within our worlds.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is only possible for us people that have enough food to eat, a place to live and education to be focusing on this ‘inner experience’ due to having ‘more time’ to spend wondering in the mind instead of being physically working and participating in activities that are related to actually contributing to life on Earth. This is how depression and any other form of mental instability that can be identified as ‘mental disorder’ hence an apparent  “drug-required disease,” is just another way to make money for the pharmaceutical companies that use this ‘weakness’ within the human mind in a capitalist world to believe that emotions and feelings are a disease that can be controlled or healed with chemicals/drugs, instead of actually investigating one’s life to see how these ‘disorders’ were entirely self created, accepted and allowed and as such take responsibility for them, in order to not only correct oneself in one’s living and physical stability, but also to support establishing conditions in this world through education and the necessary changes in the entire system so that whichever system-deficiency is able to be identified as a problem that propitiates this mental problems, we create a solution for, which implies the implementation of the Equal Money System to ensure that people are no longer subject to a survival mode that feeds this inner conflict of the mind, but instead we are able to focus on re-establishing our living conditions to that which is optimal and supportive to be Living in this world as physical beings and no longer existing of/ as friction and conflict in the mind, feeding each other’s mind-realities and instead, support each other to ground ourselves as the physical, stop living as characters and work together to create a world that is based on life in equality.

 

— I will continue with looking at how these energetic experiences of the mind as emotions and feelings causing inner conflict, were reduced to being ‘mental disorders’ of the mind wherein we made an illness of something that is each individual’s point of self responsibility to correct, stop and align to the physical living wherein the focus must always be to stand as beings that support life in Equality with All – and within this, for once and for all, stop supporting each other’s inner-instabilities as ‘who we are’ and dare to call that a human crisis instead of a human problem caused by ourselves and resolved by ourselves individually.

Desteni Forum 

Desteni Lite ProcessFree Course of Self Support

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Desteni 

Journey to Life Blogs

 

 

Emotions and Feelings are Self Interest – Stop the Self-Addiction

 

Educate Yourself about How your Mind Operates:

Blogs:

 

Interviews to Step out of the Mind and realize the opportunity and responsibility we hold toward ourselves/ each other to create a world that is livable for all:


221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

– Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

 

Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

– I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

 

Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

 

And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

 

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

 

I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

 

 

DSC00478_001
View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

 

Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

 

When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

 

I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

 

I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

 

In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

 

Further support:

 

From the Book: 

Equal Money – Future of Money – Volume 1

 

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112. Who am I within Evading Communication?

Who are we when we ‘don’t feel like talking to someone’?

This came up yesterday in my writings as a pattern I played out in childhood – however I can see it in subtle ways wherein even taking certain paths to not have to talk to certain people have been a constant throughout my life. And this has been such an ingrained pattern that it’s been only now that I am investigating it – it seems that to me it was perfectly normal to ‘not want to talk to people’ and essentially develop evasive patterns, which I disclose here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I would simply not ‘feel like talking’ to people/ communicated and who I am within this evasive pattern wherein I am essentially denying myself the opportunity to communicate with another in any given moment.

 

I realize that this has been a life-long pattern that emerged as a child wherein I wanted to be and remain a ‘special’ and ‘unique’ girl that was deemed as more mature than others, wherein I used this positive-feedback as a way to justify my ‘selective/ picky nature’ wherein I would then feel righteous to choose who I would communicate with and who I would simply be able to discard according to the values I created within my mind as who was ‘worthy’ enough of communicating with me and who wasn’t/ at the same wondering if I was worthy enough to communicate with certain people that I deemed as ‘more’ than myself – this is how I built my own value-scheme wherein I essentially grew up to speak with people on the surface, but rarely ever communicate the reality of myself with others.

 

When and as I see myself going into a slight experience of anxiety and future projection of probably meeting someone while walking out in the street/ going out and already scheming ways to evade talking to the person/ people by changing routes, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me wanting to ‘hide’ from people stems from not wanting to interact, simply because of disliking having to ‘answer questions,’ without realizing that I decide what I share and how I direct myself in any given moment of communication.

 

I realize that I am the one that is able to stop following the pre-planned protocols of communicating with people in my every day environment, and that the experience of dread toward having to ‘talk about the same every time’ is depending on me and where I direct communication to now.

 

This reveals how any form of friendship or relationship was built always within the consideration of a ‘compatibility’ that inevitably creates a point of specialness between two beings, which is what generates the most conflict in reality, as one eventually reduces all ability to interact and express with any other being just because of holding to this ‘one’/ few relationships wherein we believe we are ‘being comfortable,’ however we are only comfortable because it is such relationships that ensure we remain trapped in our ‘personal limits’ as the characters and personalities that we agree to play out with one another, which is how we define ‘having a good time’ with a friend or a family member/ colleague or any other being that can immediately support our ‘who we are’ as the mind and as such, developing a kinship that separates ourselves from the rest of the beings, as there is now a ‘special bond’ created that functions like an ‘exclusivity’ between two beings while deliberately closing off all opportunity to expand and interact with more beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up with the idea that I had to create ‘special relationships’ with whom I would be sharing myself with, which is how we learn that we cannot just communicate with anyone, but we have to create ‘special bonds’ and relationships to do this with only certain people. I realize that this mechanism is the primary way to ensure that human beings remain separated and secluded within relationship bubbles that become a form of private property and ownership wherein who another being is in our minds is defined according to the history, experiences, memories as the accumulation of moments we’ve spent with them – instead of realizing that interaction and communication that is in fact physically here is constant and consistent and does not require a ‘history’ behind to be able to communicate.

 

I realize that this point of preference is me still placing value onto people as in considering some ‘more’ and others ‘less’ according to a preferential rate that I have created within myself and that has run in an automated mode, wherein I have gone as far as thinking that people in my life that were ‘meant to be important’ were the ones I would find myself being comfortable with – while thinking that everyone else I had nothing to do with, which is how I lived a life seeking for these ‘special connections’ without ever even daring to see that all human beings are the same and that there is no need to create ‘special connections’ in order to interact, share and communicate with another.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation as to ‘who I want to communicate with and who I don’t’ – I stop and I breathe, I realize that the mind is the only one seeking for ‘special beings’ to communicate with. Thus, I direct myself to break my own ‘religion’ of only communicating with certain people that ‘I like talking to/ I enjoy communicating with’  as this is the way that I can in fact expand myself beyond my own limitations of ‘who I speak to.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately short-worded and laconic toward people with whom I didn’t want to continue communicating with, simply because of rapidly having assessed that ‘we were not compatible/ not in the same wavelength’ which even by the expression proves how it is that we have become nothing but frequencies looking to match each other to ‘complete’ each other, which implies that everything I had considered within communication was using words to feed the ‘who I am’ as my mind and that everything and anyone that challenged this, would be seen as threat that I had to immediately ‘stop talking to,’ yet because I did not understand this mechanism, I simply would assess that ‘we were not meant to be,’ and as such accepting such rejection toward another and reaction as real, without seeing how in that moment of deciding to deliberately stop talking to another was me as my mind deciding who I am in such moment – and never really even daring to see HOW it is that I created such a point of preference in such a short time, which is proof of how we go through our days assessing people as images, as few words and profiling them in order to see whether they ‘fit’ our value-schemes of potential friend/partner, just because of how we see that such beings would definitely support our own mind-possession as personality, wherein life is absolutely neglected and forgotten while everything that is looked for is a sense of ‘compatibility’ to support the ‘who we are’ as the mind.

 

I realize that this evasiveness is actually a cool point to flag from here on as this is the way that I can now be aware of me stepping into the ‘picky character’ that would simply decide not to communicate with someone based on a sparing assessment of a person, which is obviously only me as the mind deciding ‘who’s worth it/ who’s not worth it’ as an immediate mechanism to ‘choose’ who I want to communicate with, which is what I see and realize is as elitist as wanting to preserve benefits over any other beings in this world, as I realize that any form of ‘special relationship’ is in fact wanting to continue existing as that point of separation that we have created through/ as relationships in our reality and existence.

 

I realize that I am in the verge of stepping into mind control wherein I become complacent to the preferences of a mind that has never considered the possibility of being able to communicate with any other being as one and equal. Thus I realize that whenever I see myself wanting to evade a person is me playing out the ‘evasive’ character as a way to not have to actually share myself unconditionally, simply because of how I had placed such ‘special value’ to ‘me sharing myself’ to only apparent ‘special beings,’ without realizing that in this, I am creating a point of separation by my own selective participation. I see, realize and understand that these are the  opportunities to break the pattern of ‘selective communication’ that I had lived as without a question before.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately short-worded and laconic toward beings while thinking that I want to ‘stop talking to them’ already – I stop and I breathe –I direct myself to continue speaking if the point is here for us to communicate, and/ or deliberately push myself to open up with others, to finally realize how it is possible to interact without requiring to load a ‘memory’ of someone or having built up a personal archive of experiences with another in order to interact/ communicate and as such live here in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had only a ‘few friends’ because of not many ‘understanding me,’ which was a deliberate self-victimization and self-manipulation patterns  that I used as an excuse to remain selective in my communication with others, which certainly ensured that I remained as the same character that would never question my ability to communicate with others.

 

I realize that I can communicate and share myself unconditionally with any being just by realizing that communication must be physical, words that are spoken in the moment can be expressed without requiring to ‘assess’ the being in order to know ‘how to communicate’ as that would be me wanting to ‘fit in’ another’s schemes and values as to who they want to speak to and who they don’t, which is how we have all caged each other within these apparent incompatibility that eventually leads us to not even try and push further such limitation, but accepting such ‘incompatibility’ as real, without realizing that two physical bodies do not require to be ‘compatible’ in nature as the organism in order to be able to interact – thus it is clear that such limitation is existent only at a mind level and as such it only exist in each other’s mind as our relationships with each other and our relationship to the world, wherein we believe that some ‘do deserve’ not having any money to live

 

I see, realize and understand that money is also a form of communication and that me creating a point of evasiveness and/ or deliberate separation from another is only me giving into the elitist world system wherein the distribution of the resources is not given to all unconditionally, but is determined by a set of arbitrary and evil rules and regulations that in no way considered that all beings are equal.

 

Thus, If I stand up for an Equal Money System, I realize that such point of Equality begins within and as myself wherein I stop valuing people as more or less than who I am here as a physical being that coexist with all other living beings that I have simply separated myself from when existing as a mind that only seeks to build up its special-guest party list in order to leave some as Very Important People in one’s mind and the rest as ‘Non-Important-People’ where we sever our ability to recognize each other as equals,’ essentially dishonoring each other as equals and instead giving into a  mind possession wherein there can apparently be something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than who we are.

 

Self-Equality and Oneness begins with me here, walking a process of Self-Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application wherein I can in fact realize and recognize how I became the image and likeness of this world system and how through my participation, I became the creator and sculptor of myself as a world-system keeper that only acted in one’s own benefit to create relationships that would only support myself as the mind and subsequently, give continuation to the world system wherein selectiveness, specialness and elitism became ways to ensure that no one questioned why we lived in such a polarized world, because we learned and acted upon such ‘selectiveness’ without a question.

 

“I commit myself to show – why/how energy and money is in fact the evil in this world that reverse the opportunity for life/living with/as the physical, as money and energy is what consume life/physicality as the body and this physicality existence into and as its main system as the Mind/the World System to continue existing/surviving. And that the process of/as actual LIFE/LIVING that is here for all, equally as one, is walking out of the Mind into the Physical, aligning the World System to/as this physical existence/humanity in equality and oneness as the Equal Money System.” –Sunette Spies

 

Desteni
Desteni I Process
Read our blogs at Journey to Life
And Educate yourself about our co-creative processes in this reality at Eqafe 

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Blogs to Understand the Equality Equation:

 

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98. Words as Mind Control

datum 
n    noun (plural data) See also data.
1    a piece of information.
2    an assumption or premise from which inferences may be drawn.
3    a fixed starting point of a scale or operation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as a piece of information that I acquired as an ‘already given’/ already established association in order to name, validate the existence of and qualify something in separation of myself, without realizing that the moment that I am defining and naming something according to the association of image and symbol and sound, I accepted and allowed my own mind control wherein we packaged life into limited containers that we use to relate to ourselves and others – never really questioning to what extent we have limited ourselves just by the words/ data we use to communicate ourselves with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question why there are words denoting human aspects that are obviously detrimental to all, wherein words such as abuse, misuse, enslavement, power and control – to name just a few – became the way to accept and allow such imposition of energy upon life as the ‘moreness’ that can only exist when the individual is perceiving itself in separation from the whole, being able to apparently impose/ exert power over others through words; without realizing that everything that we think, speak and do is always toward ourselves as we are one and equal in fact.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use words as immovable laws, wherein the most basic form of mind control exists as words and how we learn words within our family and school, wherein we are taught a specific image imprinted along with a specific sound and letters that become the arbitrary imposition as ‘given data’ that we as children simply have to comply in order to be able to communicate with others, without really questioning the nature of such words and their implication being of a nature that is always supportive and best for all. Instead, having to realize that the very grammar we use is already indicating that we Must have an experience toward words as nouns – people, things, animals – and as such, go shaping our ‘individuality’ according to what we accept and allow ourselves to believe are our ‘preferences’ our ‘likes and dislikes,’ which is nothing but information that I separated myself from, that I formed a special relationship with in separation from all other words in order to ‘make them my own,’ and a such become my own programmer as I went on throughout the days ensuring that I become that point of preference as a way to assert my ‘individuality’ as a character creating personalities and eventually sculpting the ego that I became when coming of age.

 

Within this, I realize that the moment we teach children words in separation of themselves and as a way to create their individuality in separation of the whole, we are in essence perpetuating the same system that has been based upon the abuse of life through words as a means to have ‘power’ over reality, never realizing to what extent this single mechanism of ‘education’ is in fact mind-programming to the detriment of children, because there is no awareness in and as words but only self-awareness in separation of the whole, using words to identify oneself in contrast and in comparison to the rest which is how the entire qualification as a means to generate polarization is created.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be proud of the specificity with which I became ‘my personality’ based on the characters I allowed myself to script as myself through my writing, wherein I was actually quite conscious of how I could create my own stories through words, then become such words and embody myself as the character that I wanted to live as, no different to the stories I would read in books  – which means that I made of my life for a while nothing but a story that I programmed for myself in order to entertain me with my emotional and feeling experiences in relationships, just because of thinking that Life was all about becoming a special being with special events and people that could generate ‘a lot of material’ to work with at a later stage to be a writer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words wherein I saw myself frustrated with them but at the same time abusing them in order to reinforce the characters I was busy building wherein I never questioned the substance and essence of words as who I am, never questioning what is it that I am actually using/ misusing in order to ‘give life’ to the characters that I programmed into myself through my own participation in copying personalities, characters and archetypes that I embraced as a platform to create me, without ever questioning why we only have a limited set of role models in society wherein we ensure that we continue existing as the same characters throughout time, never questioning how we could in fact exist as physical beings in equality and oneness wherein words would no longer be used and abused as a means to divide people into personalities/ characters, but instead use words in order to recognize ourselves as others wherein instead of saying ‘I feel this/ I am this’ being able to incorporate others into our beingness in the moment ‘I am one with you as this/ I  am one and equal as you in…’ – wherein the very fact that we have to use more than one word to indicate a fuller meaning of who and what we are is already indicating that we had deliberately not wrought a word that could imply our oneness and equality as life, but instead, words were used as a way to separate, divide, individualize and specify the separation that we have become as characters and personalities that exist in contrast to one another, that oppose each other based on the self-configuration we have become in order to remain as ‘more than’ and ‘special’ at the eyes of others, which means that we never were really looking Inside ourselves, but only defined, shaped, molded and sculpted ourselves according to how we want to be Seen by others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words to judge wherein such words as adjectives being able to express a judgment about something/ someone is already a way to push throughout basic education the need to establish points of separation based on what we see, but never within the consideration of being judging everything and everyone that is also ourselves. In this,

 

I forgive myself that I had never accepted and allowed myself to question the very teaching of our language, and take it for granted simply because of giving to education and school a status of ‘untouchable’ and ‘unquestionable,’ which is precisely the way that we comply to story data throughout our education without really questioning how we are taking this information for granted, and how we are accepting it as ‘readily given,’ when in fact the reality is that it was just information passed on from generation to generation influenced and imprinted throughout time with all the experiences attached to such words, which means that we only learned to see words as points of self interest in order to suit our own ‘needs’ as everything that we could experience for our own benefit – either positive or negative, still same imposition – and never really questioning how it is that such words are not realized as the very manifestation of our accepted and allowed self-separation as one and equal.

“So I suggest you find-out why it is you’re unable to Actually Understand the ‘Desteni Message’, why is it that you’re unable to ‘See’ for Yourself – why is it that you Allow ‘Thoughts’ to ‘arise’ within-you and that you Search those ‘thoughts’ and you give them ‘names’ like ‘Kundalini’, trying to reach ‘great orgasmic experiences’, ‘fuelling’ a ‘Mind System’ – Great Dishonesty” – Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn that words as adjectives are here in order to judge another, without realizing that through being able to qualify something as positive or negative is already a form of imposition toward what is here, which is what language and words have become.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an ‘avid reader’ simply because of being able to formulate (form-emulate) my own experiences in my own mind as a form of secret mind that no one else had to know about, that I didn’t have to share and that way, ‘live through others’ words’ in order to satisfy this belief of me becoming emotional and feeling as part of ‘who I am’ and human nature, wherein I deliberately cultivated such relationship to words themselves as a constant energy-kick that I would get when reading books.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to question what is it that I was really doing when reading books and how it is that I had made it ‘normal’ for me to live through reading others’ words instead of writing myself in a self supportive manner, because I see and realize that everything I would write about me was in essence wanting to emulate my life to the characters in a book , of which we have no actual understanding of how we are using and abusing ourselves in separation of one and other through words in order to establish a point of experience that only ‘I’ could experience as an exclusivity within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as means to create and validate my own ‘specialness’ wherein I would think that it was only ‘me, me, me’ that could experience such images, pictures and general beingness in a moment with a particular type of writing that I then became fond of in order o keep up this belief of myself as having a ‘special connection’ with the people that would write in a way that I wanted to be like, which means that I pushed myself to become that which I idolized, which is people that were proficient in writing, writing books, being able to have a proficient vocabulary, wherein I then began using words as currency in order to give myself ‘props’ in separation of myself as one and equal, because I / we as humanity deliberately neglected even daring to question the origin of words, as that would have implied being/ becoming aware of our absolute responsibility toward each other as the words awe speak.

 

Thus

 

I commit myself to walk this relationship toward words themselves as data that I had come to value as ‘more’ than myself and as such, becoming the manifestation of ego as the construction of words, being aware of existing as a quilt that I sew with bits from characters in order to create myself as the image/ idea and personality that I came to embody after having worked on my own words as a means to justify, ratify and demonstrate that ‘I in fact am this character because my words say so,’ which is an absolute form of self-righteousness wherein all that mattered within me was a set of definitions in separation of life, because I never ever even considered life within and as words.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to establish myself as the ‘controller’ in my reality through the very data I accepted and allowed as myself, as something ‘real’ as ‘the real me’ that I had constructed throughout time through everything I could grab from the media, from people in my reality and as such, become my own architect in a deliberate way without ever realizing how through taking this vantage point of being ‘above’ others and reality through using words that indicate comparatives and superlatives is the essence of mind control to promote individuality as a moreness of ourselves here, instead of promoting a way of being able to live as individuals that regard each other as equals as life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an energy junky as in pushing myself to create ‘the most emotional and feeling experiences’ out of just reading words on paper, which indicates to what extent we have separated ourselves from the physical reality wherein we decided to use words in order to generate a positive experience within ourselves that in no way had an actual relationship to ourselves in the moment, which is what makes books so ‘appealing’ to people – yet we have covered up such vicarious atonement with our own justifications toward books as ‘culture’ and ‘education,’ never pondering what is it that we were really in fact valuing and why.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to even consider or conceive that there could be another way to express myself in consideration of others as myself, because such consideration was never taught or given as a particular word in itself, which indicates to what extent we have become so used to only seeing ourselves in separation of each other as characters in ‘books of life’ with prescribed life experiences that we came to simply believe is ‘who we are’ and walk it from the womb till the grave without ever really taking such fleeting moments of questioning myself, my who I am as words beyond the accepted and allowed ‘norms’ that were prescribed in order to keep ourselves blind and not taking into consideration that we are in fact pronouncing (pro-enouncing) ourselves as subjects of our own intellect and that every word that I speak as a sentence of myself about others is invariably always about myself in reality.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment I am pronouncing words about something/ someone or myself I am already making a decision of who I am in that moment, which implies that

 

When and as I see myself pronouncing words, I stop and I breathe – I realize that every single words that I will be pronouncing as an expression of who I am in that very moment is and will be communicating and expressing the decision of who I am in that moment; thus I align my words to an equal and one starting point to ensure words do not become again the very polarity holders of our reality, the very separators that perpetuate an abuse that is and will always be self-abuse.

 

 

“Jesus said: ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’ –because you will-only ‘Judge’ that which you have Done-Yourself –you can only ‘Speak- it’ because you’ve ‘Done-it’, which is why Self-Forgiveness is Relevant” – Bernard Poolman *

*

“This ‘Reality’ and as-it Exist now is your ‘Real Nature’ – is ‘the Truth’ about you = You have Created this As your Mind. ‘Stop’ all of-that and start to consider ‘What is Best Equally for All Physical-Beings in this Reality’ – and then you’ll-find ‘Heaven will-be on Earth’ – and then you will-find ‘you Love your Neighbour’ –and then you’ll find why doing ‘What’s Best for All’ that everyone will-do ‘What’s Best for All’ – it is-Not a very ‘giant leap’, it requires ‘No-Faith’ = it Requires CommonSense
– Bernard Poolman

For more specific support on learning who we are and what we have become in relation to words: Desteni I Process

 

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Matrix words 2009

Interviews to get a never-be

fore explained approach toward words in our reality:

 

*Interview by Bernard Poolman:

Interviews from the Farm 38: Special Feelings

 

Blogs:

Childhood Imagination Creating Characters: DAY 98

Day 98: Humanity is ONE BODY, ONE LIFE

 

Previous entries on words:


Day 30: Artistic Filter

So I write about this today as it came up in chats, writings from other Destonians and also within looking at the influence that art/ artists had on my life that lead me to want to be ‘part of the artworld’ in one way or another. This will be specifically directed to look at the values that I imprinted on people related to this ‘realm’ while I was growing up as a child, and being mostly influenced by musicians, which is a point that I have written about before – however this is now within the understanding of the special-values and ‘special place’ I’ve given to art within my world as something that ‘captured’ my attention in such a way that music/ art became ‘my world of wonders’ and day dreaming wherein the world was reduced to a single ‘idea’ separated from myself wherein I apparently ‘had nothing to do with/ was none of my business,’ which implies that it became ‘my point of separation’ from the world and ‘the interest’ in my life that I had not considered could be aligned to be a what’s best for all activity in my reality, but where I only sought recognition, self fulfillment and having a ‘great life’ while ignoring the actual conditions of this world while seeking to live out ‘my dreams’ in this lifetime, which certainly didn’t include considering what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from a part of my reality that I have considered as ‘art’ which I have placed as more valuable than other things/ other people around me in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance to write about art because I have justified a lifetime of personal satisfaction, pleasure, escapism and perceived personal specialness when it comes to art, art works, music and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that create art, that are denominated as ‘artists’/ musicians which I have equated to being ‘more valuable beings’ in reality and separating people according to being artists/ being non-artists in my mind, wherein  I ‘make up my mind’ about them and ‘who they are’ accordingly, which is a prejudice that has become an automated perception of specialness as an aura that I sought to ‘have’ myself as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pursue an artistic career within the starting point of equating my life to those that apparently had a ‘great life’ of freedom and joy and expression which I have separated from myself the moment that I decided to become a character in reality, instead of considering that all characters are equally determined by a predisposition to only satisfy one’s needs and desires, which implies that everything that I’ve become has been equal to any other being that pursues happiness while disregarding everything implied to make of such ‘pursuit of happiness’ a reality, which can only exist upon abuse as there is no equality in such pursuit of happiness within this world at the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own wall street mind wherein everything and everyone that had to do with ‘art’ I placed more value on, considered as superior as ‘special beings’ without realizing that I only did this to justify my own pursuit of being equal to such greatness wherein everything that had to do with becoming a solution to this world was candidly side viewed by taking an opposition to the system and becoming then the walking-neglect toward reality, as the tangible and physical world that I stopped looking at because I saw myself as ‘insignificant’ to make a change in it, without realizing that this was only because I sought to do things ‘by myself’ instead of taking the time and effort to establish myself as an individual within the collective to create actual change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify aloofness, craziness, rebellion, antagonism, general disregard of reality when it comes to hearing artists and their perspectives on reality, wherein I filter their expression through the ‘artistic filter’ that I’ve created as ‘special values’ wherein I appraise someone’s expression according to the value that I have given to art, musical and verbal expression in what I have deemed as ‘artistic expression,’ which are labels that I have used in my mind in order to justify the ‘eccentric nature’ that I have deemed artists/ musicians to be, wherein my fascination for all things art tend to override my common sense, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold ‘art’ and ‘artistic expression’ as something ‘special’ and ‘unique’ within my mind toward people and parts of my reality, wherein I occupy myself as my mind and take myself for a ride to ‘escape from reality’ as in not being aware of myself, here breathing, wherein for a moment I lose all perspective of myself and everything that exists is me getting an experience/ seeking a positive experience from watching artists performing, speaking, looking at photographs, pictures, paintings, drawings, lyrics and anything that I have used to feed a personal special consideration toward a part of reality that I have separated from everything else – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place special value to any form of entertainment that I decided I would dedicate my life to, without ever realizing that within this I was opting to become that very dissociation from what is here by following my dreams, preferences, happiness wherein any other career choice was overlooked and dismissed because I followed my desires and what I grew up  with as music, entertainment, arts – because it seemed like a ‘pure thing’ to do, be and become as way to ‘be in this world’ but ‘not of this world,’ as an antagonism that I sought to become.

 

Today we have millions of people considering themselves as artists wherein in fact, we all have an equal ability to express ourselves regardless of considering it as ‘art’ or not, it is a point of expression that I see and realize I am able to stand one and equal to, wherein I no longer hold a special value to a part of reality that I have compartmentalized, categorized into a ‘special place’ in my mind as something that is ‘more valuable’ than the rest of my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘more value’ to a person whenever I get to know that they are involved in any artistic endeavor, which reveals that I have lived by these rules/ value schemes in my mind without ever having taken a moment to see how I lived such inferiority toward people that I deemed as ‘idols’ and that I looked up to because of them representing the idea of liberation, freedom of expression and an apparent great life which lead me to want to experience the same in my life by becoming ‘an artist’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I wasn’t pursuing my happiness with becoming an artist in the usual ambitious and greedy way that I would criticize, but because it was about art – writing, music, painting, etc. – I would deem it as a ‘purer way’ to make a living and live a life that wasn’t as ‘tainted’ as anyone else’s that I perceived as ‘blatantly capitalist’ constantly seeking for money, power, fame, recognition in whatever area of reality they would work in, without realizing that the actual core of the motivation to become an artist did include all of the above in a secretive manner.

 

I realize that within this mechanism of separating ‘the art world’ from the ‘rest of the world,’ I created a major division in my reality that comes up as an immediate preference toward anyone that holds the label of being artist, musician and anyone else within the artworld, wherein it becomes very obvious that preferences are created, becoming the very continuation of the separation that we have lived as within our world, wherein we all separate ourselves into various ‘cults’ of personalities and preferences in order to always have something to define us by as a ‘group,’ which in this case is art, artistic expression, art and music expression, which is an area of this reality that is no different to any other activity. I have only been the one that has created this automated divide wherein ‘who I am’ toward people varies according to them being related to ‘the art world’ or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever want to ‘be an artist’ to keep myself within the realm of reality that I considered as ‘more innocent’ and ‘less ambitious’ yet absolutely ‘special’ as a unique activity that is considered as a ‘profession ’ wherein I became my very own limitation within thinking that I could only relate myself to people that could be in ‘the same wavelength’ as myself within wearing the ‘artistic personality suit,’ and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate and consider a being’s expression as ‘more valuable’ and ‘special’ when it came to realizing/ knowing that they are related to ‘art’ and being ‘artists,’ when in fact it is no different to any other realm of reality wherein groups define and value each other according to a set of preferences upon an aspect of reality, creating separation from the whole in a ‘socially acceptable manner’ wherein any act/ doing that is labeled as ‘art,’ is justified and seen through a special ‘filter’ toward reality when claiming it is ‘art,’ which means that an underlying acceptance of ‘anything goes’ and ‘free will’ is exerted in ways wherein even animal abuse, personal abuse, sexual objectification of humans is ‘okay’ because ‘it is art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never expose the actual conflict that I would get when realizing what was being done with reality in the name of ‘art,’ because I had chosen to be a part of that world and within that, perceiving that I could not sabotage my own little charming world as a special niche that I wanted to preserve in my life, wherein I could still have an apparent ‘momentary escapism’ from reality; when in fact art is simply an expression that reflects our ‘nature’ as human beings and within that, it is no more or less than any other living expression that is equally here in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to defend acts of either violence, boycotts, riots, anger, madness, random destruction, vandalism, harming living beings, self-harm, physical deprivation in the name of art, wherein I would see such beings as heroes in my mind and anti-heroes when it came to the usual idea of ‘heroes’ in our society, which would make an ‘artist’ as someone even ‘more special’ for having dared to challenge reality in the name of ‘their expression’ as a symbol of what I deemed as ‘freedom.’

 

I realize that within this I would immediately justify any attitude, expression and creation because it is art. And within that it is no different to saying that the laws are not questionable because ‘god created them.’ In this

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ponder artists as semi-gods that were apparently ‘god’s special creators’ to reveal some form of transcendental ‘truth’ to humanity that I wanted to be a part of, because it would make me feel good to be a part of the ‘special people’ in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have countless hours of self-talk/ conversations wherein I would hear myself talking about ‘my work of art’ and imagining how it would be to explain yourself and get all the flowers and recognition – when in fact in reality it is no different to talking to any other person about what they are living in their mind and just throwing out an entire personality that is assessed within the social conglomerate wherein ‘I rate’ who that person is according to their ‘talents,’ which is only preprogrammed traits that we have used to separate ourselves wherein we define who we are according to what we do as having a specific ‘talent,’ when in fact it is all about self definitions, self image and self-acceptance that is projected onto others to get enough positive energy from them as a confirmation that we are apparently special/ doing great/ while in reality, we are no different to any other being playing the fame game and seeking self-glorification.

 

I commit myself to expose how within the labels that we become and embody as ‘who we are’ in our mind has come to determine ‘what we do’ wherein such actions, thoughts, deeds override any point of common sense and consideration of what’s best for all when only caring about satisfying my personal needs, interests, likes, preferences that are Not aligned to what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to reveal how we have become our very own stock market within creating special values/ special placements toward people/ things/ reality in separation of who we are as one and equal in the name of keeping our little piece of heaven intact as a resort to escape from reality to not actively become part of the necessary change that is required in this world.

 

I commit myself to stand up as life as what is best for all wherein who I am as that decision determines what I do – and who I am is not defined by what I do but simply walk the necessary process to make sure that I live as the realization of what must be done in this reality to finally be able to express and live a real meaningful life that is not determined by/ based on the current ‘spheres’ of reality that are in fact cults of self interest that have not united for the sake of creating a world that’s best for all, but have only united by common selfish interests that disregard at all times the very breath that keeps us pursuing such pointless personal dreams of self-glorification and satisfaction that can only exist if someone else is abused in this reality, due to how everything ‘positive’ is equal to money and money exists as the very cause of separation in this world. 

 

I commit myself to live the decision that I’ve taken to walk the necessary doings and directing myself in my world to stand in a position where I can support myself and others to realize who we really are as life and the practical living actions that must be done in order to support each other to finally learn how to Live – and once that is done, self expression as art can emerge as an inherent living reality wherein no more ‘art worlds’ will exist in separation of life, but life itself will become the ultimate expression of life which is then everything that I ever sought to be within ‘art’ –  We can give this to ourselves within this lifetime, walking the necessary process of Self-Honesty to realize: we are here, we are the solution we ever sought and we have this life to make it count for all as equals.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

 

I stop being the wonderer in life and commit myself to practical feasible solutions wherein who I am as the decision to bring about a world that’s best for all determines what I do.

 

Blogs

Recommended Interview to understand the process we’re walking here:

Reptilians – Why do Relationships Exist – Part 35
Why the Money-System does not Care about Life

And on art/ music/ activism:

Life Review – Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails

2012 What’s your Mark?

What has ‘marked you’ in your life? If you ask yourself this question you might come up with a memory, a moment in your life that ‘changed it all’ for you. Does that define who you are? Another answer would be having physical marks that could indicate the walk in time-space wherein our physical body starts to deteriorate according to the current experience of ‘getting older’ – does that define your current experience in any way? Marks are also qualifications, standards, requirements, symbols, representations, points of reference – setting up marks as goals can also be applied the same way, competing against ourselves. In essence, we could say they are imprints that we create and regard as a reminder of something, someone, identifying ourselves with a particular something/ someone for the sake of keeping track of ourselves.

There’s also a general desire to ‘leave a mark’ in this world – that’s almost the type of purposes we all had, whether it is going toward the usual success and pursuit of happiness associated with fame and glory, or the opposite polarity as becoming that point that leaves a mark as a reminder of everything that is wrong in society; that’s for example how serial killers have remained as transcendental beings for showing/ revealing the extremes of the accepted and allowed ‘human nature,’ they played out the reality that we have secluded and kept ‘secret’ within ourselves – they became the manifestation of what has existed in every single being’s mind as the idea of harm, abuse and violence toward ourselves/another. Such beings have tainted/ left a mark in human history that can be regarded as ‘negative’ – however we have all been the creators of such actions, regardless of the initial point of denial to take Self Responsibility for this that may come up while reading these words.

Some others seek to leave a ‘great mark’ in their lifetime, becoming someone ‘outstanding’ and influencing this reality in a  ‘positive’ way – these are people that are usually honored/ reminded in society as benevolent beings. From here all the delusional stages of light and bliss, god, angels, positivity, good vibes and the divine stem from, never ever questioning how it is that we have created of ourselves heroes and villains just to maintain a fuckedup status quo of ‘good vs. evil’ that apparently keeps everything in ‘balance’ which implies that the friction is not eradicated.

We can see that it is such desire for peace/ balance/ harmony that we are  not supporting ourselves to consider the root and cause of everything that goes on in our reality that is currently not supporting life, not supporting our expression, but only existing as beings that are always apparently subject to experiencing the highs and lows of ‘reality.’

As much as we would like to neglect the following, it must be said: it is within our little bubble (mind) wherein we walk a lifetime trying to ‘leave a mark’ in this world. We become so self-absorbed in our own realm of oddities and stories as the personal mythology that we neglect the world that is here, physically revealing to ourselves what happens when we stop watering a plant: it dies. This is a single example of how this reality had been specifically designed to keep us all well entertained with our own mind – and the relationships we have formed in it – as a form of never questioning or even having the least consideration to look at other beings’ life-experiences in this same world. Opening our eyes to see how it is that we spent our lives trying to create an effigy of ourselves in the name of whatever we believed in – and wanted to be ‘reminded’ for –  is only another mindfuck that reveals to what extent we as humanity have neglected reality while seeking to outdo our personal scores, to leave our mark.

Winning, competing, striving, fighting, outdoing, overcoming are actions that imply a necessary effort to accept a starting point of ‘adversities’ that we have accepted and allowed as ‘how life is.’ Isn’t this world now looking like a rat race in a labyrinth wherein each one is only trying to find the most ‘outrageous’ way to get through it? This comes to mind as I see the usual world that billions are immersed into: entertainment, TV, music industry, fashion, glory, big business, pursuing happiness, being Special.

To me leaving a ‘mark’ is wanting to be Special and exist in any possible way wherein we make ourselves ‘more’ than the rest, become ‘different’ by any possible means wherein we can make sure that we ‘leave a statement’ which is usually  linked to a single belief, a single character we decided to play in our life. Some dedicate their lives to be benevolent, others to play out the villain, others to simply seek happiness regardless of anything that may come on their way.

We have all played out these roles and, at the moment, all of this bs is what’s stepping on top of the lives that have no desire to be ‘special’ or even enough energy to think what type of ‘mark’ they would want to leave in this world, simply because they have no food, no water, they have no house to live in, they have no proper education and they are mostly used to living in constant fight or flight mode, merely surviving or even having to mitigate their daily struggle to live in the physical level using any form of drug – not for ‘recreational processes’ but to stop thinking about being hungry and having no means to feed themselves. The same goes for all the slave workers that dream of ever being able to leave such hideous jobs while having no possibility to do so, leading them to now leave a mark that is mostly a reflection of the consequences we can create in a world that doesn’t support all beings equally: they commit suicide.

I am watching a news report on Homs, the Syrian city that has been extensively terrorized the past weeks with as much as 4 detonations every 5 minutes, a conflict where thousands of people have already died including civilians of course, the usual ‘casualties’ wherein kids have their brains blown off by bombs, wherein people have lost their family and friends already – “Where is the UN?” is the question they ask themselves, where are the so-called ‘Human Rights’ organizations?– We all know that such ‘unity’ is non existent in this world as long as there are interests behind the gears that move this reality. It is obvious that such consistent war is financed for ‘higher purposes’ of control and conquering the territory to have access to the resources, that is also a statement of ‘creating a mark’ in means of showing ‘who’s the boss’ now.  CNN has placed this ‘warning’ sign at the beginning of each segment saying that ‘the graphic nature of the content may not be suitable for all viewers’ – how come this reality is censored when it comes to seeing/ witnessing in a voyeuristic manner the outflows of the human ego trying to take control an entire territory for the sake of money? How could we neglect these events while entertaining ourselves with our personal lifestyles seeking glory and power?

We have accepted such war scenes as ‘normal,’ as ‘part of the necessarily evil in this world’ as some dare to call it.  Yet on the other side of the coin, people mourn the ‘loss of a star’ in the entertainment industry while celebrating with pompous awards wherein people carry thousands of dollars on top of themselves to look ‘great,’ to leave and set a mark in the world, to win something. This is the type of madness we are living in – yet all I see is that who I am in this world as part of it all is linked to such entertainment industry, because I consume it one way or another  – I am not apparently linked to anything that goes on in the middle East, yet I use the same money and resources  that are the ‘hidden causes’ of such wars.

‎”If suffering were payment for karma, the elite would be in hell in every breath. The system of money as it now exist proves that karma is not functional in this world at all at the moment.” – Bernard Poolman

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: we are living in a bi-polar world. I cannot still fathom how anyone that is willing to pay over a 1000 dollars for a pair of shoes can neglect this entire reality wherein people are starving and could eat for several months with such amount of money – how low can we go? The same can be applied to someone that could only seek to harm and abuse others to make evident the already accepted and allowed abuse, yet only wanting to perpetuate themselves as a character that did this in order to ‘make a statement,’ which is how the regular terrorist organizations work and function like. Either poles and all the stages in between, are not supporting ways wherein all beings could actually unite for the very first time within a single principle to establish equal possibilities to Live,  having a constant and consistent form of support that could place all in an equal ground to LIVE.

I mean, come on! All our system of ‘leaving a mark’ just to be reminded in a certain person’s mind, in a history book, in a certain piece of reality for the sake of exalting ourselves as the ego that we have only existed within/ as our minds, must cease to exist, because it is in this very pursuit of a goal that we end up forgetting about anyone and everything in this world. This is how we turn ‘the world’ into a me-myself-and-I situation within a limited scope of reality comprised in our mind.

What would be the ‘mark’ that I would like to create in this world? Leaving a mark that would ‘taint’ everyone with a self-honest realization of having to live by the principle of what’s best for all in order to stop the current accepted madness in this world. The mark would be living as the example of what is possible if we set a single goal for humanity: Walking a lifetime dedicating myself to create a world that’s best for all, a world wherein the future generations can come and finally stop the recrimination and projection of blame to the ‘ones that came before them,’ because of not having done anything to stop the cycles of abuse and disregard of life in this reality.

I’m looking at and being part of a very strange phenomena that is already leaving a ‘trace/ mark’ in this world and this is what we are doing as Destonians, as people that are  paving a non-existent road in this world which is walking the way to establish Self-Equality in all forms/ ways in this reality.

How to transform the world from this manic-driven self-inflicted ego possessions of importance, competition, rivalry, superiority and general madness wherein we have made ourselves to accept inequality, injustice and wars in the name of progress? We place and create ourselves as the solution: we stop within ourselves existing as that constant coming and going between poles of right and wrong, good and bad, as that friction and struggle that we create at a mind level and stand as the point that allows the world to see that: we don’t have to seek answers and solutions outside of ourselves, we must become the point that stops and corrects the current ‘human nature’ we are still playing out.

If we look at the marks in the bodies of people  from having to experience war and be part of the set of ‘casualties’ within a careless money-driven conflict, such marks can only remind us one single thing: we cannot perpetuate a world that is biased in nature, that is bipolar and has lost all sense of regarding any other being as oneself, losing a sense of reality while being indoctrinated with what media, society, educational systems have  told us that ‘we should be’ which is not based or even pointing at the necessary implementation of an Equal World  – at all.

Do people that have no money have an option to ‘leave a mark’ in this world’? As harsh as it may sound, they do – only as part of a number in a statistic of people that are living in poverty, that are starving, have no means to aspire for a better living condition or have died in a war.

Turn your TV on, glance through all the channels, see the variety of realities that are fictional and real that we are creating as a reflection of ourselves in this world. We don’t have to go that far to look ‘outside’ for that madness and general chaos – we just have to look within ourselves in our minds: that’s where the chaos begins. This is how we begin a process of Self Honesty to investigate how and why we are participating in the current reality in such selfless manners until we become the point that Stops.

The one and only mark as the final goal of each one of us is one and equal = establish Life in Equality for all, self-forgiving all our personal-scores to create and leave the ‘best mark of it all,’  the best mark that could ever and should only exist is: Equality as Life – right now, we only carry the mark of having accepted and allowed a world of abuse.

Time to open our eyes, time to start looking at what we accept and allow in our world, what do we occupy our mind with, how much do we actually ‘care’ about our own personal-marks as the constant competition to become someone ‘better,’ instead of simply vowing ourselves to live a lifetime of self-support for ourselves and for the rest of this existence that is now crying out for ‘help,’ which can only come if we all work together and stand up for Life.

We are all responsible, it is impossible to deny this any longer.

Choose Life.

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Burst the bubble @ desteni.org


The ‘Loving’ perspective

 

The point of considering others or everything/everyone within my equation of the previously perceived and self-created idea/definition of ‘love’ certainly broadened my perspective of how we are used to holding ‘special bonds’ to people that se consider ‘special’ within our reality – that’s then an obvious point of separation wherein anyone that would claim ‘loving’ would in fact only have in mind/consider that particular person, thing or even activity that they ‘love doing’.

I had only spoken/ written about ‘love’ within the past as all the illusions of relationships based on the creation of a certain ‘feeling’ or ‘experience’ towards others which were nothing else but my own creation, I never even considered that I had to first see what self-love was to be able to then consider ‘loving another’. That was an absolute energetic game that has no place within what’s here.  All in all I’ve cleared the word from the usual associations and then realized that I would simply use the word ‘care’ – as a less-energetically charged within the general understanding of such word within our society – to indicate that which I want for myself and others as Equals.

I simply saw that it is not necessary to create little fluffy clouds or create the opposite reaction as rejection to all usual representations around the word love – like experiencing the usual ‘heart’ as something obnoxious, nothing but an inciting red representation of what seems like a 180 degree opposite placement of an ass or a pair of boobs. Instead of ridiculing the word with such symbols, we should all rather consider what actual love is.

Considering love as myself first and see what I required correcting and aligning within myself to realize what it was in fact was the first point to take on.

 

What is caring for myself? Not abusing myself would be the  first definition and association, but it would be based on a polarity towards ‘abuse’ only. So within that, self care, self enjoyment, self responsibility, self respect become the building blocks to see how to construct myself as that and live it out; this way we actually create such point of self care which didn’t precisely exist before in such a common sensical perspective – meaning considering that what I can take as ‘self-love’ can be lived and applied by others equally devoid of any mental experience as feelings/emotions.

Self acceptance became the foundation on this as I had resorted in ‘finding love’ as finding ‘acceptance’ in and through others, by being ‘someone’ in another’s life so, that point had to be brought back to myself to Care for myself. Then it was an entire process which I’ve described before and that is still being lived and applied as we breathe here.

The point of physical care became an actual consideration of myself as the physical, and not just wanting to preserve a ‘machine’ in a ‘well state’ – it became a completely new understanding through what we’ve realized as ourselves being this physical body at the moment and how much we’ve neglected it while existing only as thinking upper boxes at the top of the body. That point of being gentle with ourselves, learning to experience ourselves from head to toe at all times – caring for myself as in making sure I am well nurtured, I don’t oversleep or sleep less than what I required, not place myself in any situation of potential harm etc. – and not done out of ‘fear’ but out of common sensical considerations. Being self responsible is also a point that has supported me to establish that point of self appreciation again.

There are many things I wasn’t even aware of at a physical level – if I ever was, I would regard it as ‘normal’ like experiencing a nerve wracking sensation, an anxiety experience, some type of depression experienced  as something ‘normal’ and ‘usual’ only to then find out that I’m actually also abusing myself within existing in such energetic possessions instead of being here-as-life, breathing.

From physical care as self-care to caring for another. I bite my lower lip in means of the giving and taking action that this implies. We’ve got to demonstrate through actions, words in our living reality that we in fact care for ourselves and thus, we extend such care for another as ourselves – equal and one – without any hidden agenda, being unconditional in any point of support given and received by another. The point of receiving is something I had to learn to ‘accept’ as myself as I would tend to go into a ‘humbleness possession’ wherein being ‘too meek’ becomes just another way of not acknowledging what we’ve become, what we’ve achieved for example within this process and it’s standing in a polarity point of other points like being ‘recognized’ and so, such humbleness became just another way of playing a personality as a limitation to give and receive what I want for myself.

Giving unconditionally, receiving unconditionally – then we have the creation of such relationships as stable ways of existing – meaning, making sure that such giving and taking is not compromised in any way, that we’re actually able to do this as part of our daily living acts, that we are in fact supporting each other within the principle of what’s best for all and not just continuing the support of ourselves as egos, as personalities – personal-ties –  as people with hidden agendas that seek something else out of it all. That’s how in fact we go transforming any initial point of self interest into a walking-realization of the points that require to be modulated so that any potential separation through the creation of a ‘special bond’ is always re-directed here as what’s best for all, grounding it back to the basics without further poof-loops in the air when realizing it.

Then caring becomes an expression that can be lived with anything or anyone regardless – it must be a two way system just as our binary codes and the very breathing we give and take – because exhaling might be seen as a residue or excretion but it isn’t, it’s beneficial for those beings that take the co2 for their own nurturing like trees/ plants. So we live in a system that is organic in nature where all parts – if not artificially modified to the extent of plasticity – can be restored and reintegrated to the environment with great ease.

[Isn’t plastic just another attempt of self-preservation? the long-lasting inherent desire of humans to be ‘immortal’ translated into an artificial compound that is ‘apparently’ unable to be destroyed? – fascinating us, humans, not considering the outflow of our exertion of inner-desires into the external reality and its disastrous consequences]

 

To care then is to consider that what another is going through within their lives is me in another life as well, considering that what we’ve walked and shared in this world will mark the way for others to come and as such, we cannot leave a world based in fluffy-popable love ideas that require money and feelings to exist. Love must be deflated as the ideal that has been implanted in our heads based on the continuous brainwashing process obtained through our media, through nice stories passed on generation to generation, through traditions and cultural ways of conceiving ‘love’ as that which everyone had to ‘live up to’., inherently linked to success, sex and excess.

We can make of such ‘love’ a grounded expression that is able to be applied, lived as being given and taken as naturally as breath, as who we really are once we’ve realized and placed into action the realization that we are here to learn how to coexist together as individuals, yet moving as one single being. Just like cells in the body that remain individual yet work in groups to form tissue, muscles, organs and systems that conform the entire physical body. That’s the basic functionality that we must realize as ourselves and knowing that if we fuck with ourselves, we’ll eventually fuck with another and within that, cause multiple harms that might not even be seen at first glance, but eventually within being part of the whole and everyone existing in such individualized and compartmentalized version of ‘life’, we start creating rifts between ourselves that are imposed on to this very basic functionality of what we must be/ exist and live as, a separation created only at a mind level – not at a physical one.

Hence the importance of stopping the mind, stopping ourselves from falling into any alternate delusional reality other than what we are and represent at this moment as part of the group that is this living being called Earth and thus simply adjust ourselves, our living reality to be part of the system that’s currently emerging that is completely aligned with who and what we are as Life, where all mental experiences and definitions are being corrected and placed aside to focus on the reality that is palpable and physically verifiable by everyone here.

 

Caring for another as myself then becomes a living condition that we take into consideration not as a ‘must do’ as some type of political obligation, but as part of the basic input we can all integrate every moment that we express ourselves and that when we use our mind, we use it to create and construct that which is best for all, to think that which can be externalized without any ‘shame’ as it won’t contain any personal desires or interests behind. That’s the process we’re walking and that’s the place we have to get to in equal-terms and as part of the equal agreement we’ve now committed ourselves to here on Earth. Transparency in fact.

So, love becomes the realization of self-acceptance, self care, self responsibility and self respect that we are all able and capable of living as ‘who we are’ at all times. It’s always been there, we just haven’t accepted and allowed ourselves to live as it, so we  have to simply live them as who we are.

If you’re ready to love yourself and get out of the previously cheesy conceptions towards such word or even repulsion to it – as I had experienced before –   you are ready to embrace and amalgamate that word as ourselves, as all of the practical living points mentioned here wherein eventually whether we say love or care or consideration, we will be living-it which is what actually matters: being the living word.

Motivation then becomes the movement of self to enjoy being/ doing/ giving what we want for ourselves and everyone else equally which stands along the terms of what’s best for all, so that I live every day knowing and realizing that I’m being part of the necessary change in this world to create an equal-world where Equality is no longer a ‘correction’ or a vacuous concept, but a living reality. I realize that all motivation had been previously delegated on to money, power, success, feelings, sex, glory, fame and any other ephemeral experience that we had tagged as ‘love’ -which is similar to ‘seeking happiness/ love/ bliss’ as the ultimate goal in life – and instead we make that a constant property of living through actual continuous actions, with no more having to pursue glorious scenarios of achieving such elusive ‘lasting effect’ as part of an overrated concept of love or ‘eternal love’ which is unfortunately how it still exists now.

 

So, if we want to change the starting point of our motivation as humanity, we have to begin with ourselves. Seeing where self interest is overriding our reality, seeing where self-enjoyment is not being allowed as ourselves or is obstructing our basic responsibilities – it’s all part of equalizing and moderating our reality into what’s best for all.

We can also realize how we cannot dissociate the Equal Money System from this process to create the necessary conditions for such unconditional love to exist.

Loving sounds like law-being, the law of our being is to stand as equals as life and live the words written here.

For more support or discussion, visit de Desteni Forums wherein we’ll be glad to read and support if required within the understanding of the new way of living as Equals as the life that we’re yet to become.

 

thanks for reading.

 

Embracing Self – by Bernard Poolman

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Point of reference for this post, some interviews by Bernard Poolman:

How will people be motivated? – Equal Money FAQ

LOVE


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