408. Taking it All Back to Self-Responsibility

 

A deeply ingrained pattern within me was to see everyone and everything else as the source of my dissatisfaction, my anger, my sadness, my despair and general experience of being vexed just about everything in my world. I actually saw this world as not good enough ‘for me’ instead of ever pondering whether I was ‘making it a better place’ with existing in such constant state of complain and blame toward ‘people of this world’  which is like a constant state of ‘being against world,’ which I used as an excuse to relate to as little people as possible, being rather anti-social and the people that I would gather with, would have a similar bashing toward ‘the system’ as myself and similar preferences when it comes to art or music that would usually create a ‘window’ to just escape the reality that I would define in all derogatory manners I could. I even got fed up with having to live every single day and go through the same routine ‘For what? To make the world a shittier place than it is? To waste more water, food, to eat more animals, to trash the Earth more?’ Was the usual backchat… and still at times something that I have to direct within myself in Self-Responsibility. 

So I actually was what could be deemed as a generally angry person when it comes to ‘life’ in general, which I would then experience as ‘being fed up’ with the world, being against everyone, believing the only thing I could do to ‘make things better’ was criticizing the world system and individuals that I believed were ‘dishonest’ and ‘corrupt’ and sort of like the ‘scum of the Earth’ when it comes to political figures or just about any person that held any form of influential position in my reality. So within this all. In my ignorance then, I believed that I was ‘dignifying’ myself by ‘not falling for the crap in this world’ and that I was holding some kind of self-respect by pointing out the flaws I could count on everything and everyone else – but myself, of course. See, the biggest realization I had to face within this process is that of seeing how in apparently ‘spiting the world,’ I was in fact  spiting myself only, as I am the only one that would constantly create and harbor such anger, criticism, antagonism, the sense of being wronged, limited and enslaved ‘by others’ and having been oppressed for a long time, which at the time I simply saw it as part of ‘my generation,’ never realizing it is actually the nature of who we have become  in fact as human beings throughout time: always blaming others for how we feel, how we live and never ever look within oneself to consider: Ah, yes, it was always me that was creating this experience within me and so projecting it all as ‘my reality’ and actually creating this world and reality based on how I think, feel and perceive myself and everything/everyone in this world, which I never really realized: it’s myself.

 

 ‘But I do nothing wrong! I’m a good person! I wish good for the world! I fight for good causes! I AM a good human being, I am Not the problem, look at what everyone else does! THEY are the problem!’ This exemplifies the kind of stance that I would hold myself in, being on my ‘high horse’ of being an ethical and principled human being that never dared to question whether my pointing fingers at others as ‘those to blame’ was in fact in any way supportive for this world and this reality to change. Of course it wasn’t, and it never will.

 

The principle of self-responsibility implies what I’d like to call the Golden Rule of ‘Taking it Back to Self,’  which is a continuous point of reference that I direct myself to consider whenever I am seeing something in my reality that I would like to blame others for.

 

 

Example:  Today the city was chaotic when it comes to traffic.  There were several protests because of some anti-pollution system that is now asking people that have older car models to not circulate during Saturdays. Of course the people that own old cars and trucks complained the most since they are the ones that need to use the car as a matter of necessity for their work. Say you have to deliver fresh meat, vegetables to your business and travel from the central distributor to run your own business on a daily basis  and because you earn very little money and barely ‘make it’ you cannot afford to buy a new truck, so you have a +15 year old truck and now government rule says: you can’t drive on Saturdays – and you can’t even ask your neighbors or else as they are most likely also in similar situation. Well, what do people resort to: protesting on the streets, and so this is what happened. It’s interesting how for the moment I only focused on how I was being affected by it, then how others were being affected by the traffic and then judging the protest as ‘useless’ – only then was I able to realize that I didn’t know the cause of the protest so I then realized I had to inform myself about it.

What did I do? Well,  I had to walk a lot to get around, and initially I did let out some F words only to realize I was just playing the ‘angry person that has no context of why things are happening that way.’ So as I researched and placed myself in the shoes of others, I understood their discontent however it is also a paradox since the kilometers of cars that were on ‘stand by’ on the streets today most likely created more pollution than the old-model trucks that won’t circulate on Saturdays. Well, paradox is our last name on this Earth too. So instead of me getting angry at the government, getting angry at the protestors, getting angry at the packed train and ‘angry at the world’ for being so un-common sensical, I simply walked the situation ensuring I kept myself breathing, focusing instead on the actual walking, the routes and breathing, not getting disgusted with the car fumes which is another point to work with when walking past lines and lines of cars and trucks in stand by in what seemed like perpetual traffic. I actually placed myself in the shoes of the people stagnant in their cars and pondered how desperate they must be, not being able to even ‘turn around’ and leave the chaos, it was everywhere, which was again just a projection of how I have experienced myself in the past in such traffic jams inside a bus or car.

 What to do in such cases? Sit down and cry, yell? Scream? Curse at the government and environmental department for such measures? No, I instead understood the consequences we have created overall and how I could do nothing else but not participate in any form of reaction toward the situation. Instead I used the opportunity to strike a conversation with another person about the situation and realizing how others are less apprehensive than myself, so, I simply did what I had to do and got home safely. So, from an entire point that I could have turned into just another excuse to ‘blame the government’ or ‘blame the people’ or ‘hate the world’ I took responsibility for stopping my own reactions, seeing the ‘bigger picture’ and formulating plan B’s for transportation as a short-term solution and plan of action. In the long run and as a world-system solution, I support, plan and contribute the creation of a world-system where each one of us can be self-responsible and always consider what is best for all, so that these pollution measures are not a consequence of interests in running 20^th century technology for over 60 years causing the environmental problems we have today, while technology could have been made available for everyone to run cars on other means other than petrol and so, prevent this kind of ‘bans’ and limiting people’s mobility. This is common sense and common sense is what must reign in our world: it begins within us, seeing, scheming and focusing on the solutions rather than complaining about the problems and the causes thereof.

 

What does Self-Responsibility in this example imply? It is about realizing that whatever I point out in another as a form of judgment or blame for how I experience and making them the ‘culprits’ of ‘my suffering’ is just the finest way to evade taking responsibility for what I experience, for what I generate in my mind and physical body that I then project onto others as if ‘my mind/my thoughts/my experience’ could change the situation – be it emotions, feelings, internal conversations, beliefs, assumptions – oh yes assumptions – still working on that for sure. So, in this case I rather made the best of the situation by ‘enjoying’ the walking and the challenges to create the best route for walking in a safe environment/more crowded and aiming at fulfilling the timeframe I had in order to arrive on time to my responsibilities. And that’s it; I made it and even enjoyed the bit chit-chat with another person while crammed in the train which is a seemingly ‘unimportant’ thing but it can create a sense of realization that we are all in this, we can discuss it and instead of complaining rather understanding it. Was I able to stop my own experiences successfully? I can say I did, even if in the beginning as I was walking past the protestors I could see myself being with an angry face and giving some f words to the air only to quickly realize my little tantrum and so eased the point after a minute and instead I directed my focus and attention on the actual walking I required to do to get to my destination – and so I did.

 

 

 

What I explained is one example where probably being in the same situation in the past I would use these moments as an excuse to rehash my anger at government, system, etc. and this is in fact one of the most prominent points of blame and anger that I’ve existed as toward ‘others’ which is in essence the opposite of taking self-responsibility for myself.  My specialty when it comes to blame and pointing fingers: The elite of this world and specifically catholic church.  I saw them all as ‘THE Culprits’ and the ones to blame for everything that is wrong in this world, even if was less aware of how the system really operates back then, I called it irrational anger which implies I don’t know all the reasons why, but now I see that acting in the mind is irrational: it creates only a sense of ‘righteousness’ without providing any solutions = it’s all a mind job.

I used to spend many hours criticizing the system in chats with friends and believing that I had the write to damn another with words and thoughts and believing that we had the answer to it all, that only ‘my way’ of seeing things was the right one. It becomes even another way to socialize, to create a sentiment of ‘union’ with others when we calumniate about others in positions of power, judging the corruption and ultimately getting nothing sorted out or ‘done’ but only getting angry and laughing it out as if our political assessments and dissent about ‘those in power’ would place us in a more ‘powerful’ position, the ability to bash another in one’s mind as a form of ‘spell’ that could ‘make them pay’ for what we believed was being done onto us and never really pondering ‘well, how am I participating in all of this?’ And this also comes with the excuse of ‘I was born into this’ or ‘I didn’t choose to into this world, my parents did’ or some other responsibility-dodging ‘memes’ that I can even point out from popular songs.

 

All of this was debunked when I came to realize the design of this reality and how the ‘bad guys’ were nothing else and nothing more than also a part of self, self as the whole, as the totality that exists here that is myself too, and that even if there was a god/creator or designer/architect, even if there are elites and bloodlines that had taken care of implementing the essential forms of control, guess what? They are also parts of myself that had been designed and taken such positions to perpetuate and install such forms of control which in turn have been accepted and allowed by each one of ourselves too. In other words: we were/are and have been all equally enslaved by the roles we have played all along throughout our ‘history’ or existence, fooled by the illusion of separation, of having ‘nothing to do’ with all the ‘evil’ in this world and believing myself to not be corrupted by the same mentality I judged those in power to have – but what I never really did was placing myself in their shoes, living their exact same life, their education/indoctrination, their own set-up to believe themselves to have such ability to have power and use it for their own benefit,  maybe even tricked by others within the idea of it being for a good cause too. Who knows? I can now say that whenever I actually place myself in the position of a person born in a golden crib and being essentially trained/educated to perform some kind of managerial/leadership task in this world to create more wealth or perpetuate some bloodline position, I can see how I would have probably done the exact same decisions we see many people ‘in power’ do, as I would then be completely enclosed into that mentality, unable to see beyond my own perception of ‘my task/duty’ in the world or using some ‘ability’ to get the most if such ability and high-end reality was everything I would have ever known ‘reality’ to be. 

Why haven’t we then realized the principle of considering one’s own responsibility? Because this would actually cease the problems, the friction and conflict within ourselves and within this world, which would expose the world-system we’ve created as our image and likeness of ‘divide and conquer’ where we fight within ourselves, apparently ‘fight against the world’ and so creating the concrete jungles we live in where ‘everyone and everything is wrong but myself.’

We coexist in a reality wherein we have all become very personally identified with the roles that we play, we have come to believe ourselves to be our professions, our money, our ownerships, our relationships, our appearance, our qualities and skills and everything that we have defined as ‘who I am’ which in a way it is as the potentials and points to align within self – but at a greater scale, we are only playing our ‘role’ in the play, wherein I’ve realized that what we have to stop from here on is precisely getting lost in the game, getting lost in character and forgetting the greater picture we’re walking here.  There’s so many petty and trivial things we start fighting each other for, blaming, pointing fingers, backchatting, cursing at and essentially always seeing another as ‘the problem’ for MY will /wellbeing to be fulfilled. And this is where we bit the apple and so now face the consequences.

 

Why? The apple is the knowledge and information, the code of consciousness that we have integrated as ‘who we are’ – which is what we define as our egos: what we like, dislike, judge, blame, love, believe on, feel threatened by/fear, reject, accept, etc. All of this is based on the personalities we become. So what happens is that in this world and reality we are all born into various positions that certainly entail no ‘equality’ when it comes to the role in the play/game we are in. We have created this reality in the image and likeness of our own friction and conflict in the mind: we constantly believe we have to justify ourselves, to defend ourselves, to win the game, to trump others, to spite back, to fear, to secure something, etc. And this is in turn what we believe is caused ‘by others’ or ‘by the world’ within self, when in fact all that matters here is realizing that: we do this to ourselves, we cause these experiences within us and as such it is NOT about ‘them,’ it is about what I accept and allow to exist within myself.

 

A point I’ve worked with another person that also walks this process is taking self-responsibility for one’s reactions even when having faced a point of direct physical abuse. To learn how to take self-responsibility and to SELF-Forgive the creation of blame, resentment, holding a grudge toward another that is perceived as the ‘wrong doer’ entails an actual understanding of what led to such point of abuse, how do we all collectively create such point of abuse, how not to take personally the point of abuse and how to actually focus on self-forgiving the experiencing within self toward another and so realizing that the most harm done toward self is the recreation of blame, spite, resentment toward ‘the other’ as such experiences are always created within self, and self’s body and mind are the ones that actually end up being more affected throughout time than the actual point of abuse itself. This is then a clear example how Self-Responsibility goes hand in hand with Self-Forgiveness, because there is a realization of What I have done to MYSELF based on what I believed was a way to regain some sense of honor or respect, by spiting/being disgusted at/blaming/being angry at others that created a point of abuse ‘toward me’ – but in fact, once one starts exploring ‘abuse’ in itself, we can only come to the conclusion that all abuse is always self-abuse and that one cannot really ‘get away with murder’ in this existence, it might seem like it temporarily – but no one is at the moment ‘absolved’ from having to go through a Life Review wherein in this world or after death we get to face all points that we had left behind and that we believed we didn’t have to face again. Well, nothing really ‘washes away’ in this reality and that’s where Accountability exists along with Self-Responsibility.

 

 

So once that I realize that everything I have experienced is My creation only, and that the ‘way of the world’ is nothing else but OUR ways in which we haven’t learned how to create a world that’s best for all, blaming, calling others names, getting angry at others, seeing myself as the ‘right’ one or any other delusion is then realized As the delusion, the actual point of irresponsibility that I play out just to ignore and deliberately abdicate my responsibility which is toward myself first and foremost so that I can then also see what I create in my world based on my own experiences. I am one point stopping, but what would happen if we all collectively understood this point, got out of the ‘angry/blameful character’ and start taking self-responsibility for what goes on within and without of ourselves?

 

I was talking to another today and it’s cool to get to see these points while walking this process as well, where a huge point of self-responsibility resides in the words we speak and understanding the ‘nature’ of the word that we speak and what we make of our reality with/through them. Being self-responsible implies realizing that whatever I  do/think/say creates a consequence, and so I ensure that I am able to Respond to such consequences, that I can effectively direct myself and others within such outflows and consequences as ‘they’ are in fact myself. So it is about self-direction where within common sense I stop creating the illusion of separation, the illusion of ‘others’ and start realizing that as I direct myself in consideration of what I act/do or don’t do in consideration of what is best for all as the principle that I live by as life in equality, being one and equal in fact, then I in fact start taking responsibility for myself and my creation/my reality as myself which includes others.

 

Sounds like a big task, but it isn’t when we begin with ourselves and so doing it to the point where the ways in which we recognize ‘the world system works’ are in fact patterns that exist within each one of us at a mind level, as our ‘ego’ that becomes them some kind of concept, idea, or system we enslave/limit each other with. This is how we cannot only say that ‘it is THEM’ doing it to ME’ because: it takes two to tango. The puppeteer cannot exist without the one that poses as puppet.

 

 

 

Many times I saw myself damning people, specifically people in power, people at heads of church or even some priests at my school. I wanted to blame them for perpetuating the lies, the corruption, the scams, the degradation of life to a profitable scheme where good ‘neutral’ images could sell education and promote ‘the word of god’ while doing the exact opposite to any of the principles ‘they’ were supposed to have vowed to. Well, if anything: aren’t we all doing the same thing? Aren’t we all living these lives where we all try and put our nicest image and idea of ourselves to hide everything that we know in fact exists as a threat to everyone’s well-being?  In my case I for sure spent a great amount of time polishing an image, an idea of myself, how I was going to achieve my aims which were all mostly based on personal power such as getting into some kind of ‘mainstream’ position that I would so openly criticized, but be able to position myself on the ‘left’ side of it, being the famous and popular opposition so that I could also make quite a big buck by writing and theorizing about dialectics, revolutions and how awfully wrong everything was in this world, seeking ‘justice’ through punishing those ‘at the top’ or any other form of diversion from Self-Responsibility, which is what’s broadly promoted in this world as ‘activism’ or ‘political commentator’ etc. An example: what has Assange, Snowden or some Russell Brand have done to promote self-responsibility? Anyone? Anything? No, hence I don’t buy any of the ‘roles’ they suppose in the system and even if they were ‘for real,’ I still get no life changing realization from what they revealed or say or are paid to say to perpetuate the idea of change through ‘revolutions’ and so forth. Well, this is an example of why Self-Responsibility isn’t being promoted on your TV as ‘Revolution,’ and this is why I consider it of utmost importance to stop seeking for culprits, to stop seeing ‘the elite’ as the problem, to stop seeking any form of revenge but instead, to start focusing on what I can do/ what I can direct, where and how can I stop the same patterns from reoccurring within myself.

 

Well I was on my way to become that, always complaining, always blaming, always getting angry, frustrated only to then seek to get ‘lost’ for a while so that I would not have to think further about why everything seemed so wrong in this world. Well, I missed the point all along: myself. I was the one perpetuating this internal war. Let’s look at it this way:  was I ever in fact talking to these people I blamed for ‘all the bad things in the world’ to actually dis-cuss the points I saw in them? No. Was I ever in fact looking at the structural problem, investigating the root and the cause of it and seeing how we are all co-participants in it? No. Was I ever genuinely intending to become part of the system then to be a participant that would direct things with common sense and self-responsibility from within the system? No, I did the opposite in fact until I also got sick and tired of being bitter and angry at the world. By my inherent desire to find some other ‘answer to life’ I discovered Desteni and started my process of Taking Self Responsibility, and I must say that this point of seeing myself as the point that has created such inner war was a hard one for me to grasp, just because of how much I had defined myself according to my own victimization, my own so-called ‘oppression’ and being ‘wronged’ by others –  but at the same time, it became the most humbling as well which I continue to be grateful for so that I can as I did today realize my ‘tantrum’ and ‘b-lameful character’ I become when blaming others for ‘things going wrong.’

 

Another example: when I think of ‘people in power’ I see nothing else but players within the same game I have also been an equal participant in. I don’t ‘feel’ hatred or anger as I used to and I probably have taken for granted such a change within me. I still have to work on myself on remaining stable and self-responsible when witnessing some kind of physical abuse in front of me or in my environment – and in this realizing that there is abuse going on in this world every single second and that if I was aware of it in fact as what’s going on within self, then I would never cease to be angry or about to explode for each point of abuse. I’ve realized my emotions do Nothing to solve the problem, but only perpetuate it. An example, I have walked a process of self-forgiveness about hatred to the church because I harbored so much hatred that it became something irrational, something I would just recreate even by passing by every church and till this day it is  something to still remind myself it’s just bricks and stones and not to judge the people in it or the priests at the top: we have all co-created this so I take responsibility for myself and ensure I do not perpetuate the separation through reacting emotionally about something or someone.  

I could not get the image of the inquisition instruments of torture out of my head for a long time and I could not fathom how such evil could exist within humans, and how ‘evil’ they must have been to do that to another human being… little did I know about the actuality of our nature, which has never been something nice or benevolent and how this is in fact not something I like to repeat to myself to ‘punish me’ or ‘blame me’ – not at all, it is about an understanding, it is about a ‘greater truth’ as the evidence of what is here that has enabled me to make sense of everything that I saw as the utmost horror and evil in this world, it allowed me to face myself, the nature of self. Till this day, hearing about the most atrocious forms of torture, imprisonment, abuse and decay is a test for me to not blame, to not go into anger, to remind myself that this Is the abuse that I am also a part of by virtue of being in this world and that by me creating an emotion about it, I am in fact not supporting anyone or anything to realize our responsibility within it all, to understand how we’ve come to create the results we have today in our reality and to be able to forgive ourselves for we didn’t know what the hell we were doing to ourselves/each other/self all along.

Another aspect that I support myself with is realizing that I would have probably done the exact same thing that ‘the most evil people’ in the world have done if I had been born in their shoes, lived their lives, walked their education or the lack thereof, the abuses onto them and so realize that the evil in this world is nothing else but the result of a multi-generational process of abuse toward each other, in absolute separation and ignoring the fact that any abuse imposed onto another: is abuse imposed onto self.

 

 

This is how when investigating and understanding more about the reality we live in, and whenever I see myself wanting to go into victimization, it is a point to remind myself that there I am wanting to throw my hands up in the air and believe I am powerless to do anything. Those are the moments to really not allow myself to even create one further thought of judgment toward others based on what I believe/know or assume they have done wrong or any ‘evil’ doing, and wanting to blame them for the state of affairs in this world. In fact I feel nothing these days toward ‘them’ but mostly it  all comes back as the realization of all the work that we must get done if we want to in fact be genuinely experience the potential that we are as life, which has been constantly obliterated every time that we only sought our personal glory, power and benefit.

 

So this point of self-responsibility in the form of the golden rule as Taking it all Back to Self is one of the most useful reminders in my process. With it I prevent myself from seeing others as the cause of ANY experience within myself, no matter how much I can see them as the culprits, the wrong doers, the evil ones etc.: by virtue of existing in this same planet, by virtue of being a human being, by virtue of me being able to point out what’s wrong = I am an equal participant and as such, I have to stop creating further experiences toward ‘them,’ I have to stop expecting others to change so that I can change, I have to stop believing that ‘they are doing this to me’ –  I stop myself from going into blame or holding a grudge against others, harboring hatred or plain rejection toward others as I see and realize that those emotions and experiences are only my own and I am not doing anything in fact to solve the problem and situation by getting angry.

 

Have I fully changed this at a personal level? Not to the absolute. I still get mad at times when I perceive people are being abusive, irresponsible or careless , mostly in my environment, things I can see around me which is then also according to what I am aware of. In this I commit myself to be diligently self-aware to ensure I do not allow myself to justify my reactions toward something/someone and instead ensure that I take absolute self-responsibility for myself, prevent my own reactions as I see and realize that any experience I create toward another is in fact anger toward myself for what I am accepting and allowing to exist within/as me, and that these emotions will get me nowhere, so I rather focus on being able to live here, in the physical stability of myself as breath and instead become an actual living example of what it means to live self-responsibility in this world, our creation and reality.  

 

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realizing only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

 

 

To learn more about Self-Responsibility and the golden rule of ‘Taking it All Back to Self’

 

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392. Why are Emotional Relationships a Fuckup?

Continuing from:

• 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art
• 388. Regretting Choices and Definitions
• 389. Are Emotions Necessary to Be Creative?
• 390. Making Decisions Based on Feelings, Not Facts

 

“So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools that I can apply to what I am doing now.” From 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

 

Facing Myself, my Relationships through the Relationship with Art

I suggest to read:  What does it Mean to Have a Relationship with Oneself? – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 608 by Andrew Gable

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationships based on emotions and feelings wherein it doesn’t matter whether it is arts or a person or a responsibility or a place, the moment that I create emotional and feeling attachments to places/people/objects/professions then I begin creating my own trap through definitions based on what I believe that ‘I like’ and what I believe is ‘my thing’ based on nothing else but emotions, feelings, experiences that I went attaching toward something/someone over time, and then believing that I am in fact all of these experiences, emotions and feelings in relation to something or someone, without realizing that such experiences cannot define what such something or someone is in fact, as it is all entirely self-created, it is me-myself that has created this experience within me.

Within this premise, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately automate the words ‘my relationship to/with something/someone’ being defined as an experience that I have built toward something or someone instead of the actuality of how I participate, interact with, communicate with /through something or someone and within that realizing that any experience that I create is entirely my own and has nothing to do with that something or someone but myself at all times.

Therefore I realize that the projections upon ‘art’ is in fact the experience that I have created toward the who I was within that time of my life when I chose to study art and that If I were to place myself within that same frame of mind 7 years ago, I would probably still go for that choice in life, which means that it is a decision I made entirely based on what I wanted to experience and who I wanted to be as a personality, an ego and satisfy my drive that I went building up throughout time to ‘make it’ within the art world – so this point I have opened up before however now I am able to see that it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself, I’ve made of art the excuse to project my own judgments toward my decisions, the way that I established relationships toward this something that I ‘built myself’ around, and as such because I realized I could not continue constructing myself as ‘an artist’ within the initial ideals I had, then I acted in spite and begun regretting and embarrassed by my choices in life as I see them as ‘useless’ without realizing that I was actually reacting at all the various others things I did in my life throughout that time of which I cannot be proud of either and that I cannot certainly recognize as ‘myself’ any longer so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to the relationships that I built with people and with specifically my career as ‘arts’ which in fact reflect all the choices in my life, the people that I chose to surround myself with and that I cannot really judge myself for who I was back then as back then I had no awareness of the points I am aware now.

So I realize that I have to stop being ‘hard’ on myself based on this hidden-experience of having ‘the past haunting me,’ and so be able to finally let go of it as I do not have to re-enact this kind of shame or embarrassment about myself, my past relationships, my emotionally-driven decisions in life because it is to realize that back then I didn’t know any other way – and so instead I am grateful to be able to be here writing myself, having deviated from ‘the path’ that I had initially chosen as god knows where the hell I would be if I had followed through my ‘lifestyle’ and the relationships I built around the same ego and personality that I was. I rather see and recognize that I’ve definitely moved on from that phase of my life, but! Also realizing that every time that I create an experience toward any memory, any relationship, any past choice including my decision to study arts, I recreate the entire network of ‘the who I was’ in my past and as such I continue enslaving myself to those relationships and only fuel the negative experiences that are the opposite polarity to the initial positive experiences that I used to build my relationships with people and with the profession/career I was veering myself toward.

And within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to follow the usual pattern within the mind which is ‘dissing’ something once that one has squeezed the last drop of positive experience out of it, which means that once that it ‘served me’ and ‘its purpose’ and I’ve hit the ground back into reality about it and I am no longer seeing visions based on emotional and feeling experiences, then I go into the opposite polarity of talking bad about it and feeling righteous within that, without realizing that it is only the predetermined and rather predictable outcome from an initial positive experience that I created with such ‘passion’ about it that when the whole experience was no more, I ‘dropped’ down to the bottom and the opposite – so it happened just like a typical relationship wherein people first get in love with each other and as time progress and the energy runs dry, they part ways and talk shit about each other, so that’s what I did toward ‘art,’ and I didn’t even realize it because to me it was so right that it hadn’t fulfilled my expectations that I believed I had ‘the right’ to feel that way about it, without seeing the obvious: it was a feeling, an emotion, a judgment that came from nothing else but the ‘who I was’ toward art and so, within this ‘dissing’ recreating my past relationship to art over and over again – trapping myself in my own past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form emotional relationships toward what I deemed as ‘my career’ or ‘my path’ which in this case was art/being an artist and within this allow a physical process to become a rather emotionally driven relationship, similar to those that I’ve walked with individuals wherein there are a lot of feelings and emotions attached to something/someone that I want to hold onto and when the relationship is no more, such dependency then turns into a ‘lack’ of this fulfillment gotten from something or someone and as such, it turns into a form of bitterness ‘toward something or someone,’ without realizing that this all is really not about ‘art’ in itself or the people in my past relationships or else, it’s about myself and how I created relationships of dependency upon others in order to ‘satisfy me’ or ‘complete me’ or give me some kind of experience to which I could define myself, build myself, construct and upgrade myself as the ego that I was wanting to be within the ‘who I am’ as a professional artist as well as within the relationship formed in relation to who I am as an artist and in relationship to others.

 

Therefore I realize that the best way to follow through with this is to entirely let go of my experiences toward my past specifically and so be able to give myself back to myself as being able to focus on what is here, what I am working with, what I am developing as myself and also to align my relationship to art and be able to enjoy it, visiting museums or read about it, hear it, interact with it without loading the entire experience of ‘going to the museum’ and defining myself according to that any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in the past few years and whenever I would talk about some forms of contemporary art become infuriated and a bit angry about what I defined as being utterly selfish and self-centered and ‘useless’ to the problems that I was then realizing were ‘much more important than that’ – and in this, I still agree that there are more important points in life than some kinds of art that are merely conceptual and contemplative and ‘useless’ as a tool to create practical solutions to the world – however, this obviously doesn’t justify the fact that I’ve been spiteful and holding this love-hate relationship to it, and within this only fueling an inner conflict of still being interested in or curious about the current art forms that are emerging while at the same time judging it as useless so here

I had considered myself to feel bitter about art

Bitter: causing pain or unhappiness. Feeling or showing angry hurt or resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter about art as in becoming resentful toward it and toward the people that create it, not realizing that I had exactly done the opposite for a prolonged period of time which is why the inner conflict arose in the first place, all based on me wanting to make of art the quintessential human experience and making it the most ‘honorable profession on Earth’ or so, and so believing that being an artist was the same or similar thing as to say I was chosen by god and/or touched by god, so in essence a lot of delusions of grandeur that I created within me and that I projected toward art. So, this bitterness as in being angry, resentful, dissatisfied toward art has to do with me having to let go of my own desires/hopes/dreams related to me becoming an artist. So once again, it has nothing to do with ‘art’ in itself but the expectations and experiences I created toward it and so, when realizing I had to stop pursuing my mind any further and only feeding my ego, that’s when the opposite relationship came up.

When and as I see myself feeling bitter about any form of art that I may see, read about or even people that create art and discuss their work – I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am not tensing my physical body and experiencing that bolt of energy within me wanting to ‘let them know the truth about their creation’ which is in fact nothing else but me wanting to ‘express’ through reaction, as if I had ‘the truth’ within myself and so within this actually becoming nothing more than an ego that wants to be recognized for ‘my new position’ which is not really supportive but only a packet of resentment, judgments and overall bitterness toward that which I once praised.

I realize that this all comes from how much the entirety of ‘my world’ and ‘myself’ that I deemed as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ were in fact not, so this whole relationship with art I remember very well was the first initial ‘big hit’ that I took when understanding who we are as the mind, as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system and that the thing I feared losing the most was the personality I had created through/as art and having chosen that path for myself, which is why that initial big fear of loss about this self-definition had such a ‘big impact’ in the aftermath, wherein I allowed myself to not be entirely self-directive toward art but instead then create the opposite polarity and so still participating within the mind. And this came through even though I believed I was ‘well over with it,’ only to test out not long ago that there were still reactions coming through the more ‘artistic’ documentaries I would watch and wanting to ignore the reactions to it until I simply believed that I had to ‘speak my mind’ about it – and yes, it was ‘my mind’ and a till here no further to when and as I see myself questioning or asking another about their creation from the starting point of the ‘bitter drop-out of an artist’ that I became in my mind, and so stop defining myself based on the choices of the past and focus on communicating or creating a dialogue based on what we can learn from it, what can be useful to understand our human condition or even innovate and take points to be creative in the ways that I can support myself and others through this process while using art as a supportive tool for it, without endowing it the entire ‘duty’ of ‘changing the world’ in itself, which as I’ve previously discussed, it’s impossible.

When and as I see myself wanting to create an experience of spite or disdain and bitterness toward ‘art’ and seeing it as useless or pointless while at the same time being curious about it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that both the negative and positive experiences are only re-creations of the ‘who I was’ in the past as an art-lover and then the who I became as the anti-thesis of that which was pretty much being very critical toward art within a negative context, and so I simply stop, breathe and observe/interact with it without creating any experience but rather seeing it objectively for what it is. And this is the challenge really because I had cult-ivated the experiences attached to works of art and becoming emotional about it, which I also learned from books at the same time. So I realize that all of my emotions and feelings are in fact nothing else but knowledge and information that I’ve translated into energetic experiences that serve no purpose for me to interact with something or someone.

 

I commit myself to be able to be here as breath while witnessing performances, watching/visiting museums or art galleries and also to remain here as breath when getting too excited about seeing something because that’s also once again recreating the same pattern of the visual vicious – which I’ve talked about extensively of – and so realize it’s just images, it’s just pictures, it’s just a part of reality and the only way I can ‘react’ to something is if I ‘load’ all my past-definitions in order to react based on memories and the knowledge that I had built around art and the ‘who I am’ toward art. So I can practically simply stop those past definitions and focus on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read about the Stendhal syndrome in some book and consider that I would get this kind of experiences such as seeing ‘the sublime’ and mostly images that would depict the end of the world, which is why I focused myself so much on depicting the end of the world and getting a kick out of it, and believe that these emotions were ‘normal’ to me and that I had all the right to ‘express them’ but, the reality is that it was all a self-created experience and that there was no ‘magic’ or ‘real connection’ to painting or anything like that which I believed was something ‘special’ within me. Therefore I realize that these experiences were pretty much all created within my desperate need to ‘feel something’ because I had deemed the ability to ‘feel’ as in becoming emotional as special, as sensitive, as ‘unique’ in a human being – and so I created my own web of experiences according to how I would see others would feel and so mimic it, read books that were very emotional and then going determining what I would find as ‘emotional’ and what I would like to experience and so integrate as part of the ‘who I was’ as the characters that I read about and that I eventually wanted to create for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to made of past relationships as something conflictive and filled with ‘turmoil’ inside my mind as I realize that this was also part of the definition of who I wanted to be as a very sensitive person in order to be able to have stories to tell or talk about, as I believed that I had to suffer to make any real art. Therefore, I realize that any experience I created toward something or someone wasn’t part of reality as such, but entirely self created in my mind. Within this, I realize that also in my relationships the experiences I created about others were never ‘real’ as such, but only the plethora of experiences and definitions I created upon them – that’s why once the energy ran dry and seeing the individuals or situations that I was in within my life with sober eyes and frame of mind, the ‘truth’ of myself and the interactions with others/something came through as it is.

 

So a way to redefine a relationship it is to first of all no longer define tit through/as an emotion or feeling, something that we believe is ‘real’ in the mind based on memories, ideas, beliefs, past experiences that we then make real as our preference, as that which ‘we want,’ without taking physical reality into consideration.

Therefore an emotional relationship will always end up as a ‘fuck-up’ if it is not aligned to physical reality wherein I can stand as an individual that first of all ponders what it is that I sought in my relationship with something/someone that I believed I didn’t have myself, alone – and so realize that whichever I was expecting to get from ‘art’ or someone in my life were and had been all points of separation, illusions that I believed were unable to be experienced within me. So this is how the best way to create a relationship with someone or something is to ensure that it is seen through the eyes of physical reality, where no emotions, feelings, no past experiences, no ideals, wants, needs or desires become a decisive factor in terms of defining who I am toward others, as all I have to consider is myself and within doing that I can then interact with something/someone based on the principles that I can integrate within myself, as the relationship that I want to establish for myself so that no matter what I do, where I am, with who or alone, I remain stable, supporting myself, getting to know about others in the relationships formed with my reality, recognizing myself as one and equal with them, instead of seeing them as points to ‘fulfill me’ or things/experiences that I believed I lacked.

I realize that it’s been supportive to revisit this aspect of ‘my relationship to art’ to review my state of affairs in relation to other relationships based on emotions in the past, and so to focus on preventing further ‘fuckups’ as the ups and downs and polarity relationships of ‘love and hate’ as that is all of the mind –  instead there are more physical aspects and perspectives to consider here as well.

Life on Earth in itself is built through relationships, so I cannot define relationships only as personal relationships with something or someone, but rather realize that we are all made of and constantly require and exist as relationships that define the way we live in our world – therefore the more we are able to act, participate and be part of these relationships in a physical and common sensical manner without being driven by desires, hopes, dreams, fantasies and illusions, the more we will be able to begin changing the focus of our reality – from the distraction that emotional relationships are to a rather physical process of aligning ourselves to that which enables our coexistence in the best possible manner – no feelings/emotions required for that, no special relationships but rather the equalization and realization of who I am as this interdependence

 

to be continued…

 

To learn more about how to establish proper Relationships suggest the Re-defining Relationships – Agreement Course  as well as:

• Desteni
• Desteni Articles
• Destonians
• Desteni Lite Process
• Desteni I Process
• Desteni Forum
• Desteni Wiki
• Desteni Español
• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey To Life
• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

388. Regretting Choices and Definitions

 

Continuing from:

• 387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

 

Self Forgiveness on:

I require to open up – again – the relationship with art. I’ve noticed that I created some sort of past bad relationship experience with it, similar to the ones that I’ve had with people throughout my life wherein there were things unsaid, situations undirected and just cutting it up from one day to another without further communication. I realize I’ve done this with art creation and the general regret I’ve had in terms of the decision I took some 8 years ago to go to art school and actually drop out from my first choice which was linguistics and which would have probably been a lot more supportive for me to have as a degree than arts, and so there goes regret as well for the choices I made in the delusion of ‘I want to express myself ’ and limit that definition to only ‘arts’ and specifically visual arts. To begin with, a disclaimer here is to understand that I am walking/writing out my frame of mind and that whichever judgment I place here in relation to arts/artists/creative processes in art is what I’ve conjured up throughout time and self-reflection about my decisions in life and in no way does this imply an actual ‘bashing’ as all of these judgments, ideas, perceptions, conceptions will be self-forgiven.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the moment of creating something as an image, a picture, a painting as something rather ‘pointless’ and useless in which ‘I have wasted my time’ and in this generating the overall idea that ‘doing art’ is a waste of time – without looking at how I began to define what I would do as ‘art work’ as ‘meaningless’ and ‘pointless’ when I began to understand my motives, my purpose behind ‘being an artist’ myself – wherein I wanted to Define ME according to my creation, according to every single drawing, painting, photograph, video or any other creation that would be part of my ego-construction as the ‘who I believe myself to be’ and all of this based on the premise of ‘me wanting to be famous’ or ‘me wanting to be recognized as special and unique’ and so, when the time came for me to debunk myself, my own ego-construction of ‘who I am’ as ‘an artist,’ then all of the experiences and definitions that I had attached onto painting, drawing, doing anything creative even with words, photographs, videos… all of it I then judged as ‘useless’ or ‘pointless’ because they were not going to fulfill My idea of what these things were meant to be doing For Me before, which was ‘building my ego.’ And as such, when I stop participating in the creation of my ego through my artworks and my so called ‘special vision’ I then create a polarity relationship toward my creations because I could no longer see them as unique or special or anything like that, and instead of seeing them just for the matter/materials and arrangements that they are, I went into an opposite experience defining these creations as pointless, egotistical and useless without realizing the polarity judgments I was creating based on having first defined artistic creations with all positive experiences such as a genuine representation and expression of who I am, and what I want to express to the world – which came with the imprint of ‘me’ as special and unique. So this is to identify the polarity relationship I created based on my own definitions

I realize that therefore the experience that I’ve generated toward ‘art’ in general doesn’t provide a solution to the problems in this world – and within this generalizing what ‘art’ is based on what expectations I didn’t get fulfilled for myself within the relationship formed toward Art itself, and this is how it is no different to how we can ‘call names’ to something or someone that doesn’t satisfy us based on the ideals that we created about it, yet I didn’t work on in order to manifest these ideals into reality either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘art’ to be and become this ‘tool’ with which I can ‘change the world,’ without realizing that I then caged myself within my own intentions, definitions and purpose I gave to ‘art’ in itself – instead of myself – and as such, when I saw that these aims and purposes were not ‘fulfilled’ in a rather noticeable manner or ‘short span,’ then I simply gave it up because I realized that there were other ways to make this process of self-change more tangible and noticeable other than paintings, drawings, little videos or else as these creations were mostly born within the intention of myself as ego, as the idea of being able to create a name for myself and be glorified by it and missing out the entire point that I now see is more relevant, which is not self-glorification but to utilize our skills, our talents to provide a key for others to start questioning reality and start considering another way in which we are able to live and as such, change the world in a practical manner, which begins within self;

I initially have had certain ideas imprinted within my decision to create art which were among others to evade the world – without realizing one cannot really do this – being able to become a special/unique individual with this amazing vision of the world – and within this, I decided to rather focusing on myself, my own deconstruction of the ego I had become and reconstruct myself as an individual that can genuinely be and become an example of what it is to focus on what matters in this world within the principle of doing what’s best for everyone, what can create and generate actual changes in this world and within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘art’ as being unable to do this, and this is where I clarify that it is not that ‘art’ in itself isn’t able to do the work, as it is ourselves as human beings the ones that are responsible for using whichever tools and means we have and see can be effective to share a message with others and provide solutions to our lives within our minds where we usually only see problems and conflicts.

I realize that I had delegated some kind of ‘magic power’ to art to be this transformational tool that can in itself ‘change people’s lives’ which is rather pretentious, non realistic and even with bits of spiritual approach that I had initially also commenced with in my relationship with art as well – therefore I now see, realize and understand that art in any of it forms or definitions for that matter, can be used as a tool to support the realization of ourselves as human beings, to portray the problems and the solutions that we can all give direction to – but in no way can I expect this ‘thing’ or ‘concept’ as ‘art’ to do the thing for itself, as it is Always about ourselves human beings being able to give direction to ourselves with using any and all means/media/methods and tools that are existent within our world and societies as of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of ‘hate’ and ‘love’ toward art – wherein I went in this form of ‘hate’ based on not getting my expected results from it, or being disillusioned from the results I was expecting I would get from it, which is once again wanting this something/someone create some transcendental change for me and others in itself, without realizing that I had to give it direction, make things happen, make things works instead of just hoping or wishing that something like an artistic expression does the work in itself – it can be an aid within the purpose of assisting and supporting ourselves as human beings to ‘wake up’ and realize the work that is required to be done in order to give ourselves direction and responsibility to our world which is our creation – and in this art is not more or less than any other expression or tool or point existing in our reality that has an equal potential of being supportive within our process of self-realization and self-responsibility as equals in this world.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of ‘love’ toward art based on the Experiences I created within me while working on it: being able to be alone, detached from the world, sinking into my imagination, being able to just ‘forget about the world’ and recreate one of my own within the starting point of someday maybe getting real fame and glory from it, being recognized as this talented unique individual that I had believed myself to be and as such, believing that ‘my thing’ was to do art, just because I wanted to give continuation to this great experience that I was building myself as through the work I was doing.

Within this I realize that it’s not about ‘bashing’ what I’ve done or now see it as pointless or useless as those are all definitions I now see and understand stem from having remained in the polarity opposite of loving it, making it special and unique – so this way I am able to now stand one and equal to any ‘artistic creation’ or ‘artwork’ in itself within the realization that it’s no different to any other thing we have created as human beings – be it a concept, a tool, a house, a business, a baby, an entire world-system – all of these are creations that entailed a creative and intellectual process in them, so that doesn’t make them ‘art works’ per se, because we’ve defined ‘art’ within a specific ‘realm’ of human creations which is how we developed the whole ‘specialness’ around it, wherein if we genuinely expand creation to anything we do, anything we say and think, then we will genuinely live as self-creators of ourselves, our world without having to tag it as ‘work of art’ since it will be a creation within the principles that each one can recognize and embrace individually: self creation in self-awareness, self responsibility, letting go of the pondering process of the individual as ‘special’ and instead focus on our creative, physical abilities that we have as human beings – both physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ‘art’ as no different to any other failed relationship wherein it seemed as if from one day to the other I simply no longer have anything to do with the person or situation and without further communication or understanding of why we parted ways, it’s simply a ‘breakup’ of sorts wherein I have generated the usual experience of ‘not wanting to see the thing or person again’ and overall avoidance toward the point/person in my life as if that was a clear way to deal with it. I realize that this is mostly suppressing the problem, suppressing what caused the breakup and believe that just by not thinking of it or avoiding looking into the point I am doing myself a favor when in fact it’s the opposite – there more I leave it ‘unresolved’ the more it becomes this ‘confusing’ thing, a mulling around that I experience toward the point or person, because I hadn’t clarified or structured my position or stance toward that person or point in my reality and as such I turn it into something I had to overall try and ‘erase’ without further consequence.

I realize now that I cannot ‘hide’ from these type of situations that I believed I had ‘dealt with’ or I had ‘walked through’ in this process in relation to art – as I realize that I hadn’t entirely clarified the self-corrective process in relation to ‘who I am’ toward art or creative process done by myself or others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times go into a diatribe of should I or shouldn’t I go to see this exhibition or movie or concert just because of seeing it as pointless, useless or a way to ‘activate my excitement’ without realizing that the polarity relationship of resistance was created because of all the definitions I had still held in separation of myself, such as the experiences I’d had when looking at certain paintings or movies or music – and within this believing that I had to ‘quit it’ no different to a drug that I had to let go for once and for all in order to not have to be ‘enticed’ by it once again and ‘get lost’ in it.

Now I see, realize and understand that these ‘fears’ of consequences if I would ‘delve’ into the artistic creation, were all based on the initial Desires I had placed or attributed to art and artistic creations of myself and others – therefore the sole creator of this inner conflict is obviously myself, my mind, my past habits and my apparent inability to conciliate my relationship with art to see it for what it is: matter, colors, sounds, images that I can look at in a way that is no different to appreciating or even enjoying any other part of this reality – and within that if an artistic creation can provide any support to this process of self-realization: that’s great, that’s a ‘plus’ point in relation to what I see is necessary for us to realize in this world – but, in no way does it mean that because an artwork, a film, or certain music aren’t related to a process of self-realization or ‘changing the world’ will it make it useless and pointless as those are solely my own beliefs, projections and even bitterness based on the polarity relationship I had created toward art in this love-hate paradigm, which is absolutely unnecessary once that I realize that it’s all about me letting go of still holding a relationship to art as something ‘special’ as that’s why I then kept separating ‘art’ or ‘artistic creations’ from the rest of the world and reality and people/beings in it, just because in my mind I have developed this judgmental filter toward anything that looks like, sounds like, works like something ‘artistic.’ Lol which is kind of funny and rather contradictory when understanding that separation is created by myself in my mind and I cannot advocate being one and equal to everything if there’s still a special love-hate relationship toward something or someone.

I realize that through stopping participation in judging/defining ‘art’ within a special bubble, then I can rather focus at looking, understanding and comprehending any part of reality including ‘artistic works’ for the human creation it is, for the intent it has and essentially assess that in the same manner and way that I asses a person, a person’s words, any other part of our reality, how we interact, how we create our relationships etc. And this is thus a way to stop holding the specialness-towards-art construct and start seeing it for what it is: another part of our world as our creation that we now have to take responsibility for it all ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my decision to drop out of my initial first available career as linguistics as I see that that could’ve supported more in relation to processes of education and supporting others to develop effective language in a professional manner – and instead leave to pursue an artistic career that I mostly do not see myself as ‘following through’ with – at least not in such ‘artistic circles’ – because I’ve realized that I have now a direction that I’ve decided to take on in my life which has to do with being able to support myself and other individuals to become self-directive, self-responsible, self-honest human beings that can in turn no matter what we do, where we are, we are able to stand as living principles of self-creation that can be supportive in any field or profession in our lives.

This implies that I let go of the regret, guilt or shame for my choices in life, for the time I’ve perceived as ‘wasted’ or the ‘disillusionment’ that I created toward ‘art’ as a career in itself, which was all created in my mind and as such I take responsibility for it, to see it for what it was and now that I have such studies as foundation, I can also see what I can take from it, what I learned from it that can be implemented within the current process and direction in my life that I’ve decided to take on – and within this, understand my choices in life based on the context and time of my life when I made them. It is rather obvious that If the ‘who I am’ right now was ten years younger, I would have probably made different decisions in my life – however, also making those faux-passes have allowed me to learn from my mistakes and that this is actually stemming from fear of seeing ‘me as an artist as a failure’ because of not completing the whole ‘road to become an artist’ and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually create regret about my choices in life, without realizing that it’s actually stemming from me having wanted to ‘take the right road’ from the beginning, not wanting to fail, not wanting to be seen as a failure as an artist, or a drop out or vanish from other people’s lives as ‘she became weird and stopped doing art’ type of judgment as I see and realize that these are all judgments that I’ve created toward myself and that I now see, realize and understand that they have no point in being here ‘as me’ in my mind, because I am fully aware of the decisions I am now making in my life, being certain about the outcome and purpose that I am dedicating my life to and within this also not solidifying ‘the way’ to do it as something immovable or being non flexible in believing that ‘this is all I’ll ever do’ – as that creates a general rigidity that I’ve also seen the consequences thereof when I have to ‘break the definition’ or ‘break the pattern’ and kind of eat my own words and decisions. I realize that I am at a certain stage wherein the foundation of who I am, what I’ve decided to be and become as a person that stands as a living example of what it means to apply principles of life in equality, of self-responsibility, of integrity, of self-honesty, of changing one’s living patterns, is what I have decided within myself to do and live till the end of my life.

Now this doesn’t imply that I forcefully have to ‘fit’ my schooling-career into it or else, but see the multiple possibilities of what we can do and how we can apply our skills, talents and knowledge for self supportive purposes in this world, and step out of any rigidity within ‘having certain career’ only. I have also realized that the process I’m walking is that of self-creation: recreating myself after a deconstruction of who I have been in order to now integrate living principles that are supportive for ourselves as individuals that can now take self-responsibility for our creation.

 

When and as I see myself generating and overall experience of resistance or judgment or even rejection toward ‘art’ or ‘artistic expressions’ I stop myself and breathe. I realize that such experiences recreate my belief and construct of ‘failed relationship with art’ which only exists as a construct of memories, experiences, ideals and beliefs of myself toward art – and as such as I realize this I can immediately stop any judgment and experience toward the word ‘art’ or ‘artistic’ or ‘artist’ in order to see physicality for what it is, whether it is human beings, or matter with colors, or images, or sounds and images, or actions that are simply human creations that I can assess in a similar way in which I asses everything else and everyone else in my reality – no more, no less.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt, shame, regret for my self-defined ‘failed’ choices in life in terms of careers and studies, I stop and I breathe – I realize this stems from the fear of being seen as a failure or a drop out which are only judgments I’ve created within my mind, the fear of not being ‘successful’ at what I was meant to do simply because I didn’t even follow through with it/ didn’t do the actual work to get that which is also another point to realize here how I decided to not invest myself on the traditional forms of art-creation and instead directed myself toward self-education within a context that is entirely new and doesn’t even have a proper ‘institutional name’ with which to ‘justify’ to others what I do now– without realizing that I don’t have to ‘be’ something/a definition for others as I am well aware of how I spend my life, my every day, what I work with, who I work with, for what purpose and what my aims are in it all – therefore I stop wanting to justify myself and my decisions toward others and focus on rather assessing and evaluating myself based on the principles, objectives and decisions I’ve made to dedicate myself to this process in the form of support, education, proposals for change that can be implemented at an individual and global level.

 

I commit myself to no longer re-create any form of pattern of experiences either positive or negative around ‘art’ or ‘artists’ or judge them as useless because of being ‘artists’ or such – as those are only judgments/tags in my mind –and instead see the point of creation for what it is, as a physical or intellectual creative process and as everything, investigate all things and take what’s best. So within this it is also to commit myself to make use of formal ways of doing art in order to share a particular message or understanding that I realize is supportive for ourselves as human beings in this world and necessary within the context of the changes that we require to give direction to if we want to continue living in this world. So within this

I commit myself to give priority to the points that I see are most relevant and a matter of survival when it comes to creating solutions to the problems in this world as that is what I have personally decided to do – working at an individual and collective level to present solutions, to walk them myself and so co-operate in the process of self-realization in our world. This is what I have decided to do which in no way it means that it is what I think everyone else should also do in relation to their relationship to arts as each person’s process is different and to me within the context I’ve placed it, stepping aside from the usual definition of ‘creating art’ also means focusing on being in the world, in the system, understanding it, redefining it, considering how to build our lives and our interactions in a more supportive way and not just trying to get an experience out of it as my previous definitions of art.

I realize that I can redefine art as what I do within this process of self-creation, but that is merely for academic purposes and in no way does it mean I am trying to justify or define the fact that I want to ‘keep being an artist’ but, If I have to justify what I do to academics, then for sure it’s self-creation process as my own work of art, while realizing within myself that a definition does not really ‘define’ or ‘limit’ who we really are, but I can play the role without getting lost in it again.

 

Will continue….

 

 

To learn more about the mind and how we can unleash our creative powers by integrating new living principles, check out:

• Desteni
• Desteni Articles
• Destonians
• Desteni Lite Process
• Desteni I Process
• Desteni Forum
• Desteni Wiki
• Desteni Español
• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey To Life
• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

384. Word Wars: Agreeing to Disagree

 

Today I’ve got to understand another reason why we have failed as humanity to  establish supportive communication and relationships because, within us completely embodying our mind, we’ve become our own military to defend our beliefs, thoughts, perspectives and when we get into a situation wherein we conclude that ‘we can’t agree’ with others, there’s usually the right(eous) off the bat expression of ‘well, we then have to agree to disagree’ which is a rather pusillanimous way of ‘ending a conversation’ where conflict is avoided or where one has gone ‘too far’ within emotionally reacting to a disagreement in a conversation with one or more people, and that’s where we then stop the conversation, ending up with a ‘bad taste’ which is usually remaining in an emotional reaction about the argument and seeing others as ‘being wrong’ or even sometimes taking another’s words as deliberate attacks or blaming them for the kind of statements that they’ve expressed, that leads us to further judge them and see others as ‘the problem’ only.

 

In my case, I’ve noticed a tendency that exists when I communicate with others and If I see that this person or people directly oppose what I speak of as what I’ve realized is common sense, or best for all, I start judging them for ‘opposing what to me is common sense.’

For example, a situation I was in wherein I was discussing with other individuals a child being bitten by another child and how that situation can be directed. These individuals pointed out that they had taught the child to close the fist and hit/attack back as a point of self-defense. So in essence is teaching kids how to ‘hit back’ when they are hit or bullied, as if that was the solution to the problem, which I then got to understand it was actually a pattern themselves had gone through in their lives and so had taught their own children to do the same, wherein the mentality is: well my son/daughter is all that matters, doesn’t matter if the other kid (the attacker) is hurt.

I then begun explaining why this idea of hitting back and continuing the violence between children and children-parent relationships is never the solution as the cause and core of the problem is not being understood or addressed. So, these individuals were rather shocked I was saying that, completely denying and refuting what I was saying, coming up with arguments such as ‘we are bred through violence, violence is everywhere so how can you expect the world to change?’ ‘How can the child allow him/herself to be hit and not respond back? It’s only Natural to fight back! Look at history!’ as well as the ultimate ‘we won’t ever change’ and so, Marlen’s red flags went on and I noticed a bit exaltation coming through as I spoke the words on how this kind of thinking patterns and beliefs are precisely what has perpetuated our violent behavior, our spite, our retaliation, our lack of skills to communicate and instead only learn to ‘defend ourselves’ which is an euphemism to say ‘fight back’ because that’s all we believe we are capable of – and because of the rather close relationship with these individuals, I left it to the point where I ensure I made it clear why I do NOT support violence and physical abuse/hitting/spanking or even ‘biting back’ between kids when one of them is first attacked. And the situation overall in the reunion changed so we didn’t give continuation to the discussion which also included why because violence is everywhere, even in videogames and children play them, then violence won’t ever go away.

 

Now, there are Multiple points to this and I will be walking them through because it’s not only my reaction to seeing how other human beings can still think that violence is the solution – disregarding the evidence in this world where no problems are solved through violence and only further separation or personal gain ensues – but also how I tend to not take other people’s process/mind into consideration. And so this will lead me to disclose how to live the word Flexibility as it’s been something I see I haven’t lived, wherein I become quite rigid and militant-like with what I see is common sense, what I’ve walked through and come to a conclusion is best for all. See, even if it is best for all to stop the patterns and cycles of abuse of enabling physical abuse as a way to ‘teach lessons’ or ‘get back at another,’ the fact that I make it a problem in my mind because ‘people are not agreeing with me’ has to do with myself and how I still believe that ‘It’s impossible people can think such barbarian behavior is a solution!’ and within this, I sweep aside my own reaction, turning it into a ‘righteous act’ wherein I justify my behavior because ‘they are wrong!’ without taking in consideration at all how other people have lived decades on within a particular mindset that they have carried out and even “educated” their own children with, involving the retaliation and vengeance thinking and behavioral patterns of ‘If I’m attacked, I attack back,’ without ever looking at the origin of the problem and further solutions, because in the mind: we’ve never actually learned how to establish solutions.

 

Another example is how some people believe that ‘spanking children to behave is ok’ – and me reacting to once again the ‘barbaric belief!’ without  placing myself in the shoes of others and realizing that  it’s all people have ever learned when it comes to disciplining children, it’s all that has been done onto them and as such me pretending to change their mind in a 5 minute explanation  is no different to me coming to a hardcore religious person letting him/her know that god doesn’t exist and to stop believing in it.

 

So we’ve lived our history within the ‘Might Makes Right’ statement and we’ve  become such belief to the extent that we see no other way out but exerting and imposing power, applying vengeance because we have become our minds, our patterns, our history, the sins of the fathers that were also people that were not able to ‘think outside the box’ into solutions but only use the brute force to establish solutions – so, how can I ‘blame’ a few individuals for simply mirroring our entire history back in that moment where violence is seen as the only way out?

 

Is it then a solution to want to change a person’s entire mind, context, personal experience, genetics, history in 5 minutes in order to convince them why violence is not the way? Or is this something that requires to be walked point by point in order to come to the realization that it’s about time that we stop believing ‘we can’t change’ and instead share my own process of how one Can in fact change and walk them through how this is able to be done, while being flexible, patient and in full consideration of their minds, their process and context? Well, of course the latter is the way to follow through with this. So here I walk the process to recognize the problem and get to the solutions.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry when certain individuals contradicted myself when it comes to the principles I stand for of not participating back with violent behavior or promoting abuse in children as self-defense, wherein I reacted with the judgment of ‘I cannot believe that they are saying this, how stupid can they be?’ in my mind, without realizing that in this, I was actually already expecting them to be able to agree with me, with the principle and common sense I communicated to them and that I stand for – without taking into consideration that at the moment none of these principles are being lived in this world – and as such, I have not taken them into consideration, understanding them as the starting point of their perspective, their entire process, their life, their mind, their personal experiences, their own education as children, as parents that they also are and as such being able to see their statements  as nothing else but their mind speaking, the who they are and who we all have become as our mind – therefore

 

I realize that I took their mind, their statements, their beliefs personal because I believed in the first place that ‘they would see things differently’ without realizing that it’s actually rare that people get acquainted with any form of principles, values, common sense and considerations that are taking others into the equation as what is best for all, because as humanity we’ve always only lived through the principle of ‘what’s best for me, how can I protect me and fuck the rest’ and as such, I now see, realize and understand that their statements came from that survival mode that is actually quite prominent in our minds as humanity, and as such it is for me to rather realize that me reacting to their words is furthering the problem instead of being a stable observer that can look beyond the veil of emotions and rather see how such conversation was me facing ‘the system’ as it exist, and how vehemently the ‘who we have become as the mind’ protect and defend one’s point of view which is why I got into a reaction instead of absolutely stopping myself and immediately bringing through the consideration, the flexibility when it comes to taking others’ processes and minds into consideration and into the equation of the situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to later on complain about the statements these individuals had made when commenting about this with other individuals, without realizing that in such act I was continuing to blame them, to judge them as ‘ignorant’ for the kind of statements they were defending and the type of attitudes they want to still promote with other human beings –  In this I see that through only judging and getting angry at what others speak of, attack, or the beliefs that any individual can be supporting, I am not entirely seeing the opportunity that exists in order for me to first of all not take it personally and secondly, see why the reaction to this comes as the anger that I created myself upon layered judgment wherein I’ve seen ‘others’ as the problem for us to be able to change, blaming ‘humanity’ instead of taking the point back to myself. So, I see that this is an actual layer of the system that we’ve become and instead of ‘not wanting to talk more with them,’ and getting exalted about it, I can take the opportunity to slow down and direct the situation in a mutually beneficial manner, or course without wanting to convince them otherwise and now having them ‘agree with me,’ but simply being able to communicate what I see, my perspectives and so have a normal conversation of the pros and the cons wherein I don’t immediately try and impose what I see is common sense.

 

When and as I see myself getting angry, upset,  feeling certain pressure in my head/chest region as I hear another speaking words that go entirely against the principles I stand for as the end to all forms of violence – I stop and I breathe – I realize that by reacting and wanting to ‘stop talking to them’ and leave the scene, I’m only shutting down yet another opportunity for me to first of all not take it personally, not go into reaction and then be able to immediately take into consideration their mind, their process, their upbringing, the amount of time they’ve lived with such mentality and as such, be able to integrate within me a more gentle way to live flexibility and humbleness as the ability to be open and considerate of another’s mind and process, and be able to hear/listen to what others have to say, make questions to understand their beliefs further and as such, while breathing and ensuring I am and remain stable, rather share from my personal perspective and practical realizations why I don’t agree, why I don’t support any form of violence and most importantly why I see this as actually detrimental to children’s education. Then I can proceed to share how I’ve proven to myself that it IS possible to change as a human being, to establish new principles that can prevent ourselves going further down the downward spiral when it comes to lacking education, principles, values that are virtually non existent in our society nowadays.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people’s words personally when I perceive they are directly denying, attacking or simply ignoring the principles I am speaking about, what I am communicating of, and more so when they speak over my own words  as I see that I’ve defined this as ‘attack’ without realizing that I have to take into consideration their particular ways of expression which I already know are also quite frank, direct, without ‘holding back’ which is why when I also embodied such directness along with the reaction of getting angry about what they were saying, I tensed up because we were speaking over our words, without realizing that obviously this won’t ever lead to actual communication, but only a desire to defend our views and perspectives on the subject, which is how we as human beings usually end up in fights or in the covertly ‘tolerant’ saying of ‘We agree to disagree’ which I have valued as the easiest way to avoid confrontation and remaining at a certain ‘peace’ that comes as the result of a temporary ‘war of minds.’

 

I realize that there’s no point for me to mirror another’s experience and expression in an exalted manner when they are conveying points that I can directly understand deny or oppose what I’m saying, and within this not taking it personally as in ‘they are deliberately attacking me’ because it’s actually their mind, their process, their beliefs that is up to them to further investigate their expressions and reactions. Otherwise by giving into the reactions, I become exactly what I am judging: the one that perpetuates the war of words and the war of minds leading nowhere.

 

I realize that my stance and staring point within all of this is to remain stable – and simply speak/convey about the principles I stand for, how I apply myself and the reasons why I do this and how I see it is an excuse to believe that ‘we can’t change’ as human beings, because this has been the easiest way out of actually placing the effort and discipline that we all require as human beings in order to be able to change mind patterns, behaviors, belief systems, roles, etc. that we’ve nurtured and acquired ‘by default’ from birth, without a question throughout our entire history on whether this ‘mind’ could ever be stopped, changed or corrected to benefit us all in our lives – and yes, we can.

 

I realize that it will take quite a long time for an individual to even come to the realization that for example, there are other ways to prevent violence or attacks between children beginning with the education that parents, society and the media can provide in order to begin phasing out this idea that we can only resort to violence, physical abuse and attacking back when one is attacked, without first understanding the origin and starting point of the attack, which is not an ‘out of the blue’ situation, but has a context that can be investigated and further taken into consideration for solutions, to then expose how we’ve come to believe violence to be ‘the way out’ because we have never worked with the principle of prevention, preventing the problems in the first place instead of furthering complicated ways to ‘deal with the problem.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever take it personal that people might not agree with what I’m saying – because I believe I stand for what’s best for all and within this, I have created the equation that ‘if you oppose what I say, then you stand for what is not best for everyone and as such: you are part of the problem,’ without realizing that in shifting responsibility to others as ‘the problem,’ I have not allowed myself to see why I have taken it personal, instead of considering each individual’s mind, process, context, life experiences that will still have to be walked by each one of us, individually, in order to align ourselves to principles where no longer our mind, our ego, our lives can override the principles we can stand for and live by as human beings.

 

When and as I see myself taking another’s words personal as ‘attacks,’ as ‘opposition,’ as ‘competition,’ as ‘deliberate defamation’ toward myself and the principles I stand with and as, I stop myself within that surge of anger that can be rising up from the solar plexus, I stabilize myself within breathe until I see that I am motion-less inside, stable and then apply the living word flexibility, wherein I take such individual/s mind, process, life experience, age, context, culture, upbringing, and every other aspect that I realize I require to also see as the origin and starting point of another’s words as those words come from the mind, from such programming, environment, culture, life experience and in essence the ‘nature’ of humanity that we’ve perpetuated throughout our entire history – and as such also prevent myself from always wanting people to end up agreeing with me, as this is something I cannot control nor is my duty to do either. I can only share myself as an example of the principles I share and live by.

 

I commit myself to live the word flexibility when being discussing certain points wherein I see that there’s no general ‘agreement’ of others toward what I say, to not take it personally and instead rather integrate the understanding of where those words, beliefs, perspectives are coming from as ‘who we have become as the mind’ as ‘the system’ and not just see ‘the person/the people’ that are speaking such statements as the ones to blame or be angry at, as emotions divert us from seeing the point within its full context, and  instead

I commit myself to also see, realize and understand how we as human beings have become the embodiment of the mind, the system, the preprogramming that has been consequential and detrimental to each one of us that have blindly accepted the mind as ‘who we are’ without seeing the obvious consequences of us still fighting wars and ‘agreeing to disagree’ because we haven’t been able to physically be here and look at things directly to consider what is best for all, but we’ve instead sold our own freedom to become egos in our minds where we ‘fight each other back’ and that simply doesn’t make sense, so I commit myself to stop judging others’ perspectives, thoughts and beliefs and rather take the context into consideration and rather learn from the situation than victimizing myself about it.

 

I commit myself to instead of getting angry or blaming another for ‘the kind of thoughts, beliefs’ they have, to instead remain humble as in considerate about another’s life process and mind, and simply state what I stand for and how I am available to discuss this further if they are interested in getting to know more about how I got to these conclusions, perspectives and principles that they are initially opposing – as we all know that’s a trait of the mind to defend itself at all cost– so instead, I practice ways to not be defensive, but remain open, tranquil in my communication toward others so that I don’t become part of the war-mentality or the aggression principle in order to ‘defend my point of view at all cost’ as that recreates the divide and conquer war mentality.

 

I commit myself to breathe through any immediate surge of energy that might be emerging as I see, hear or read someone contradicting the principles I stand for, and instead remain as breath to continue reading, investigating or asking questions as to gather further context to their mind, their beliefs and perspectives – I realize that we can use this further to get to know about our patterns, our old-age behavior, our embedded traits and beliefs systems so that we can pattern-them out, map them out and further support us by developing material or sharing perspectives as to how one can support oneself to stop living within such patterns after having a particular education, environment, culture, life experience, even points of abuse that are so common  and why it is most beneficial for everyone to stop participation in such patterns and rather decide to change to integrate living principles that are beneficial for everyone equally – this once again, as a voluntary process where we agree to discuss and walk through solutions.

If another is not open for solutions then I let it go. If I am not open to another’s perspective I have to investigate what am I holding onto and where am I not being flexible to consider other’s perspectives and input too.

 

I commit myself to be the point that stops furthering the ‘taking it personal’ pattern we’ve lived as humanity, and instead live and become the example of what it is to be able to observe the patterns that come through us in and as the mind in order to understand us better as the mind and as such, be able to walk the solutions and further ways in which we can begin changing the way that we hear and comprehend each other’s words and can use our relationships as points of support to learn more about ourselves, our minds and see the practical ways in which we can change the existing patterns of ‘fighting for our right to ‘be right’’ to rather learn how to establish common sense which is simply practicing how to consider what’s best for all in every thought, word and deed we express as who we are.

 

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the words and actions I express toward others, regardless of what they might say or express as this will ensure that I remain stable and stick to principles instead of giving into the mind and losing the opportunity to rather learn from the situation and the patterns developing in the moment for further investigation. 

 

I commit myself to assist and support myself to be available and willing to assist and support those that want to know more about the principles, the perspectives of how we can change our patterns as humanity, how one can walk the process of implementing such changes at an individual level and as such be a point of support for others the same way that others have been for myself and that have enabled me to see, realize and understand this pattern in our lives as human beings, to walk from ‘fighting’ and ‘opposing’ each other to turning the point into a self-supportive aspect that we would not have been able to see if it hadn’t been opened up through communicating and sharing perspectives, so that’s another point to consider when it comes to realizing the need to share and open up topics that are usually not openly talked about, due to this inherent ‘respect’ for each other’s beliefs, which makes no sense because in the end we are all affected by each other’s beliefs and actions, so it’s best to rather see how we can establish a common ground to prevent further separation and problems and instead focus on establishing solutions within and outside of ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

To learn how to stop being only a mind that perpetuates the patterns and sins of the fathers, research:

• Desteni
• Desteni Articles
• Destonians
• Desteni Lite Process
• Desteni I Process
• Desteni Forum
• Desteni Wiki
• Desteni Español
• Creation’s Journey to Life
• Heaven’s Journey To Life
• 7 Year Journey To Life Process

The Building – the delusion

I had a dream tonight where I was inside a huge tall building that I had ‘built’ myself. I experienced an amazement with regards to seeing the solid structures and placing of the bricks that helped sustain such great height. I climbed stairs as I was going to the top. Suddenly a mate from the workshop was there and encouraging me to keep climbing up to the top because there was something going on within the whole situation: the ‘building’ was going to be demolished/destroyed. It was already surrounded and many men as soldiers or people from security government action teams were there, checking the whole building. As we were climbing up some were throwing hand grenades around us, yet they didn’t detonate there. This mate wanted me to basically ‘see’ the whole building as ‘my creation’ right before it would be no more. The image I remember vividly is getting to the top and realizing it was indeed a very tall building and that the over lapping of the building’s stories created within this space created in the middle of it around the stairs, an almost-infinite like look, almost fractal-like. And I was quite amazed of ‘my building’ – but I didn’t experience any desire to keep it or resisting to ‘lose it’ as it was about to be destroyed. My mate encouraged me to ‘jump off’ through this space in order to ‘free-fall’ from the top to the ground. I did this, lol it’s interesting how I didnt’ hesitate much or was afraid or anything – and in the moment of actually knowing I was free-falling, I woke up.

I have been pondering around the actual ‘building’ of myself within my world, my current ‘allocation point’ within the matrix as being in art school and having spent there already 3 years working, ‘paving my way’ in means of just doing my thing in order to get some ‘recognition’ out of it within the same system. I noticed that the ego as myself resisted a bit on ‘giving up’ all of this at first because I have already ‘gained’ some recognition, position just because of placing effort and hard work and enthusiasm in what I have been doing this last school year, which is working in etching workshop. People were already praising my works and I was sort of being told that I will ‘surely’ get a ‘promotion’ to get to the ‘advanced’ workshop next year, etc. People were already ‘grasping’ what my work is about – which is directly linked to standing up and realizing ourselves as part of this world AS the world itself and taking responsibility of ourselves as creators…

All of that boiled at a point the other day because I saw myself as actually being quite ‘recognized’ and ‘praised’ and possibly ‘taken into consideration’ for further work within this –  and what I mean is that my mind resisted for a moment to give this all up, but then quite quickly I should say, realized the implications of the ego within this. Wanting to preserve itself around a such ‘hard working-self made’ building as the Building of myself – my personality, my work, my art, people knowing me, people liking/praising what I do, becoming ‘known’ for my work – etc ah! not to mention the actual expectations I had created and others as well around these points as well. This has been the ‘pattern’ within my life, though this time it is certain that I am willing and ready to give it all up, this means, to destroy/demolish and dynamite this building even though it seems to be very ‘tall and stable’ – and I’m literally jumping off of it, because I know it’s not real. It’s a construct and all constructs will fall – who I really am isn’t that building. I have created that building of myself through self definitions, ideas, beliefs, perceptions and yeah I can’t deny it, actual working –  yet I know this is just quite a test to keep me bound to ‘myself as the idea of me’, my ‘role’ within this – eventually leading to fulfilling my then initial desires within the art world as gaining a position, being recognized (which translates in ‘gaining power within this particular sphere of society) and then, be able to influence others in what I deemed then as ‘good means = spreading ‘the truth’ that I was so sure I would find on my way.

So to give this building of me up, means to be able to break the illusion of myself, of ‘who I am’ which wasn’t ever real but only a script being played so delightfully by myself –

For some weeks now I have been feeling ‘ready’ to let go – this dream was like the ‘playing out’ of this – I was flabbergasted at what i had built – yet experienced minimal (almost non-existent) ‘pain’ to let go of it, of ‘my precious’ – lol, so that was cool.

It’s such a ‘stepping up’ within me because one of the first experiences as reactions I got when encountering with Desteni Videos and material was to realize that: nothing of what I had been up unto this point, was real. That was the point that lead me through and eventual ‘breakdown’ where my world fell apart and literally experienced a huge ‘pointlessness’ and wanted to die because of seeing no purpose – lol – why? This was the ego resisting to realize the illusion of itself, that all that I had worked so hard to create – just like this tall, stable, huge building in the dreams – wasn’t real, and was able to be torn apart in a second – just like in the dream I knew it was going to be demolished.

So the point is who I experience myself within this ‘demolishing’. At the beginning of process I felt like dying, really, falling apart into pices, all was meaningless, useless, seemed ‘too much’ and wanted to give up – lol I experienced that for like 2 days in quite a ‘heavy way’ -then I managed to understand that this whining came of the mind itself and not me as who i really am. THEN I was able to begin the commitment to myself for the first time. That was it.

And now, after having worked within this for a year, the experience is changing. Embracing whatever comes in means of standing up.

See within the experience I have in my world I know and realize that we get tempted through such ways of ‘gaining power/recognition’ and abilities to actually make the world ‘spin around us’ – which in essence stems from the desire to be ‘someone’, to be ‘like no other’, to get ‘up to a higher position’ within our society/world – all self interest, all self-created, all self-deception and delusion that keeps us trapped as how we exist now.

There’s no turning back – the only certainty is to stand up and do whatever it takes until this is done – we are here, we ain’t going  anywhere, we have to stop and face ourselves even if it’s literally ‘the last thing’ we do on this Earth. Because we’ve already deluded ourselves ENOUGH within this process of building our ‘oh so precious egos’ our shit, our mind, our needs/wants/desires taking only ‘me, me and me’ into consideration.

I’ve been noticing a change in people around me. Some are definitely seeking ways to stand up within themselves and others are like deluding themselves even more than before, literally trapping themselves within their minds and ideas of self.

I was pondering yesterday that when an ‘Idea’ of self began, separation began. This is the extent of the delusion we live in by our own ‘choice’ – I see what people around my age are ‘into’ these days – parties, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, parties, gossiping…- I wonder if they ever stop to think what the hell is it that they’ve become, what they are really talking about and what they are participating in.

I see the madness we’re living in – and how people deliberately spite another, even in casual conversations while engaging in unnecessary statements that come from a great disconnection from themselves as here, literally spewing poison out – I hear how parents scold their children in means of wanting them to be static robots that do not disturb their life – why on earth do they fucking bring them anyways if they are going to be shouting and scolding and pulling their hairs out about them? I see how children copy parents paterns and within this, perpetuating the abuse of self as life – there is no fucking regard to the words spoken, there is no fucking consideration to those that they are talking about, there is no fucking consideration of themselves as Life. Probably when they realize that there’s actually blood running through their veins it will already be in vain as they will have already depleted themselves and everything else around them. AND the fucking only truth within this is realizing  : they are me as well.

So I just breathe when overhearing this conversations, comments, gossips – which is kind of inevitable when being working in a workshop – it also allows me to see ‘where we’re standing’  currently – and nothing will change until there’s no definitive stop to the fucking game we’ve all been playing and paticipating in. Fuck, even teachers participate in spiting and creating hate towards others based on media opinions – like with the swine flu and certain countries not allowing mexicans to get in, my teacher said that ‘now we should do the same to them’  – I mean, what on Earth will stop this? – yes, we already know and thats’ why i say: viva la muerte

lol

Yes. Thanks for reading

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value and meaning/purpose to the creation process as building myself within a certain personality, role and idea according to ‘who I wanted to be’ within my world in means of getting recognition, power and be able to live a comfortable cool life

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see the actual separation I created within the starting point of wanting my ‘dreams to come true’ – in spite of others, not taking anything else into consideration within this world AS ME, but only wanting to fulfill that which was ‘my goal, my dream’ and pursuing a lifestyle that would be ‘pleasant and fulfilling’ within the ideas, opinions, beliefs and apparent ‘choices’ of who i wanted to be within this world

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take into consideration what people would ‘think, perceive and say’ about me with regards to ‘who I am’ and ‘what I do’ within my career, within ‘what I do’ because of being seeking to get recognition, fame and eventual power and fortune within my ‘world’ so I could be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as being ‘successful’ within THAT which I so dilligently followed -as the dream to be what I was becoming within my world

I forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to deep inside having wanted to get recognition and be praised from people that were ‘supposedly above me’ so I could ‘show them’ and ‘prove them’ that I could ‘also make it’ that I could also be ‘courageous’ and ‘be sucessful’ within that which I so dilligently followed as my ‘carreer choice’ within art world.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed such starting point towards  that which I ‘wanted to be’ in means of achieving my goal/my purpose = my point of interest within this world which would support my self interest in means of having the life I would dream of having: traveling around the world, exhibiting art, earning lots of money, being recognized and eventually being able to influence others in means of a certain ‘truth’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place worth and value and meaning to that which I have created as ‘my work’, my ‘works of art’ not realizing that within this I am utterly separating myself from everything else – created by me or not – therefore being just like a ‘parent’ that wants to have power and control over its creation, never taking into consideration being one and equal to ‘the creation’, but embracing it as one and equal as me as self expression – another expression of myself as all that is here – one and equal –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create and exist within a ‘fondness’ towards my self as ‘who I am’ as how I wanted to be perceived and therefore, being ‘fulfilled’ by seeing how I was achieving my goals within the actual living of my desires.

I forgive myself that i even accepted and allowed mysefl to think of it being ‘tempting’ to get such recognitions and begin ‘having this fame’ within my world becaue it would mean ‘gainging power’ and therefore, fulfilling my egotistic dreams and desires within the ideal of myself within this world – never real, created out of self interest – never considering myself as all. I stop all that as it is just what it is: an illusion anf fucking not worthy to live for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to ‘take too long’ meaning, myself as this whole existence, as the 11 cycles we’ve lived in this very same HERE as self deception in separation of one another – to realize that we have to begin Living Life in consideration of itself as All as me – one and equal – to end the cycles of self abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having conformed with the ways this world worked and functioned as, never questioning the starting point of it – such as money – and simply adopting it as ‘the way things are’ and within this submitting to the system that I always separated from me

I forgive myself that I as parents in this world have created clones of myself out of selfishness, out of not wanting to be alone, out of wanting to get a certain place/position of being ‘stable’ within the system as being ‘a parent’ – such an apparent way to ‘live life fully’.

I forgive myself that I accepted adn allowed myself to follow the inner desire to ‘be more than what I already am’ in means of escalating social positions and getting to the place where ‘ I dreamed of being’ without considering what my desires and dreams implied within not taking everything else as ME into consideration – meaning, existing in self interest and existing in separation.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel grateful’ and ‘thankful’ for getting what I wanted/desired and ‘needed’ to get to be and exist as what I wanted myself to be

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify the means to get to the place where I wanted to be.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate beings as my parents so that they would support my ‘ideals’ within my life to get to be what I wanted to be by making them persue their own self interest as having ‘me’ as their ‘daughter’ – therefore enhancing their ‘proudness’ if I did get to be someone of ‘worth and value’ according to society’s rules and ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever being ‘proud’ of having been able to achieve most of things I wanted to achieve, never taking into consideration how I actually manipulated others in means of getting that which I wanted – mostly parents in order to support me within my ‘decisions’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel grateful and thankful for being able to get things ‘easily’ for being able to get ‘most of what I wanted myself to be’ without a great amount  of effort, never realizing or taking into consideration the fucking inequality I was supporting and accepting within this, never questioning why was it that it was so difficult for others to achieve their ‘ideals/goals’ in life

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed mysefl for having pitied human beings because of being so ‘misfortunate’ and for having to ‘work too hard’ to get what they wanted, whereas I would get a comfortable/easy life, getting money and unconditional support from my parents, never having to worry on survival and accepting this as ‘the way things are’, the way ‘karma works’, the way ‘life is’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consider that people deserved what they got as suffering/misfortune/failure due to their past lives and the ‘mistakes’ they’ve made.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live in a comfortable delusion of the world ‘balancing itself out’ in a ‘fair’ way – meaning, taking all the abuse and general disease within the world as an outflow of past-lives events people and beings were ‘paying for’ – within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘justice’ existed.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to see ‘free will’ as a way to spite the system, to be and do whatever I wanted to be and do because ‘It is my will and right to do so’ – never taking into consideration the actual starting point within this beginning by accepting the limitations existent within this world as something ‘natural’ to it, rarely questioning it, never taking into consideration I could actually change and stop the participation within it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into my ‘own trap’ of wanting to see the world as how I wanted it to be -within this sticking and holding on to the ‘good/positive’ ideas, beliefs and perceptions I created of this world and people within it, wanting only to see the ‘cool side’ within beings, never realizing the fact that to accept someone/something is to accept it all as it IS – the good and the bad – no polarities – fully-facing what’s here As me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of what I see within other human beings, ashamed because of realizing it is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry to see what other beigns do and how they abuse life, because it is me being angry at me because of being abusing and destroying life by disregarding every breath here..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘cold’ when not getting any feeling or emotion attached to the idea of many people dying/having to die in order to cleanse and purify this world, instead being glad that this is already taking place within this world –

Within this I accept and embrace whatever I have to face – I have to remember these words and statements to realize that nothing within tis process comes out of the blue, that it is all specific and no matter what we have to ‘endure’ – we will have to endure it as much as Earth has endured our presence here, using and abusing.

I see that the spiteful ways we live in hae been merely acceptances and allowances that passed on from generation to generation and became the fucking used and abused phrase: ‘that’s just the way it is/that’s the way it has to be’ – within this submitting ourselves within an illusionary ‘something’ that is apparently more powerful and creates such rules to  create the separation we live in. It’s all one big mass of bullshit really – and there’s nothing else I support but the destruction of the illusion we’ve built and lived and believed  in, there’s no other way – within this comes the embracing of whatever comes until death do us all a-part of the whole once again and come back to face what’s left to face  – until it is done – until there isn’t any trace of our own shit behind, a trace of separation and disregard of life.