79. “I Feel So Cheated!”

 

Patterns:

1. Remaining quiet/ building backchat about a situation that I accept and allow over a period of time wherein anger/ frustration and irritation emerges in an outburst with further consequences instead of taking Responsibility for them.

2. Feeling victimized when something does not work out/ going into an emotional experience and thinking/planning how to escape from such ‘evil world.’

 

This is a continuation to ‘Be careful what you wish for” which is the aftermath of realizing what I accepted and allowed myself to participate in because of allowing things to ‘just be’ without placing myself as a direct active and involved participant to ensure I knew what I was cooperating in.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and remaining quiet about a situation that I am witnessing is not being directed in common sense out of fear of stirring conflict, without realizing that such conflict eventually creates anger, frustration and irritation that builds up to the point of bursting it out in one single moment with extreme anger, frustration and irritation toward others, instead of having taken responsibility from the beginning for and as myself to see where and how I am participating in my world/ reality, and ensuring that all points are walked in common sense and mutual agreement, so that each one is self-responsible about the consequences from each other’s participation and actions in any given event/ circumstance.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself every time that I think/ believe or perceive that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I was used’ and ‘not properly informed,’ which is just a mechanism in my mind to justify the anger toward another instead of taking self responsibility to actually inform myself and walk the process of decision-making with proper communication and without assumptions, which is how whenever I see myself assuming things/ believing that ‘what’s best for all’ is being done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whenever I assume and remain quiet, I am only allowing myself to not be directive at all times to ensure I stand equal and one to whatever and with whomever I am participating with and within in my world. This is the only way that I can stop compromising and victimizing myself toward others, and ensure that whatever I do, say and participate in, I am equally informed and participating to express perspectives of what is best for all and what must be considered before allowing the point to unfold to eventual consequences that are not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate on the pattern of believing that ‘I am always the one to be blamed for when shit hits the fan,’ which is an ingrained mechanism of self-victimization from when I was a child and, whenever something ‘bad’ would go in my house, I was immediately waiting to be blamed for it, building a lot of resentment toward my family for always believing that I was the only one that would do the ‘bad things’ and break things around, which is how I grew up with this sense of ‘being rejected’ and belittling myself, believing that it was always ‘my fault,’ which I used to build my self-victimization personality as to not have to take responsibility for myself and my actions because: I would fuck it all up in one way or another as it always happens.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet throughout the entire unfolding of events, judging the expenses of the event as something ‘ludicrous’ without actually pondering how the point of support toward such charity could have been done in another way, but instead allowed me to believe that common sense was being considered and that I had to simply comply to what I had been invited to participate in, wherein I did not take proper time to investigate what I was going to be doing, but instead ‘trusted’ that the entire point was ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ because of it being a charity-based auction, not really being aware of how it would precisely work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to just believe that ‘my best interest is being guarded’ by others whenever I sign contracts and participate in events, without reading the ‘fine letter’ which is where and how I have to practically direct myself to ensure I read all contracts, that I inform myself about the details that I usually ‘shut off’ about in terms of money and money-making, to ensure that I in fact participate in something that is in the best interest of all – and if/ when realizing that such contract is not considering common sense, I must speak up and express the points to create an agreement wherein no consequential outflows of loss/ dishonesty emerge from the desire to profit in a situation that is supposed to be for charity only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘I still the mind, I shove away my reactions’ based on the knowledge and information on Buddhism, believing that such event was ‘a test’ for my patience and a way to ‘vanish my ego’ by not caring about money, which is proof of how I mindfucked myself into not looking into the practical aspects of this entire event in relation to communicating openly about money, about the mechanism of how the profit would be obtained to ensure I would be aware of how I was in fact contributing to such event – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always fear talking about money when being in a situation of ‘working’ / selling just because of believing that talking about money makes me a ‘self-interested person,’ without realizing that this is just a matter of practical considerations in this world and that I have to stop judging money as something ‘of self-interest’ in my desire to portray myself as a ‘humble/ altruistic person’ that was only ‘in it’ for the art and the fun, when it was not so in fact because we all require money to live and everything that I did cost money – thus I ensure that I stop my self-judgment toward the use of money and money itself whenever I sign contracts/ get involved into any working situation, to ensure that I am well informed in relation to what I am practically being involved with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when she (the person that invited me to the exhibit/ auction) was explaining about the loss of money from the event two days later in her car, I allowed myself to take that as a complain and that she was ‘blaming it on me,’ which is a mechanism of my mind to go into ego to create further victimization and conflict inside myself, instead of actually communicating about the practical aspects that were not considered from the beginning. This implies that when and as I see myself going into ego believing that people are complaining to ‘make me feel bad/ making it all my fault’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism that I use in order to become the ego that is ‘hurt’ so as to not have to look into my responsibility within the participation of such event and my actual lack of self-direction and proper investigation to see what I was actually going to be supporting and participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the decisions made, compounding anger and frustration for what I have participated in thinking that ‘I must blame them for getting myself into this,’ without realizing that it was me that did not bother to ask and be informed about the practicality of such charity event in terms of Money, just because of the judgment that I had held toward Money itself as something that would make me look like a ‘self-interested person’ and not the ‘benevolent artist’ that I wanted to be seen as, wherein I constantly said that I was ‘in it’ because of the art and charity, not for the money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in this ‘benevolent/ altruistic persona’ wherein I avoid having to be dealing with money and conforming to whatever rules and dispositions I take part on, as long as I am supported and everything ‘works fine’ on the outside, without really getting to inform myself about how money runs in a business/ contract/ work point that I involve myself with –

 

Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever agree on doing a job on photography and because it was for a religious association, I ended up not charging any money for them, even though it was agreed that I would be paid for it. Which is how within this ‘altruistic character’ I deemed that asking for money/ for my pay was self-interested, and that I had to let it go for that once, not realizing that within this I am compromising myself to not be effective in the money-system because of all the backchat held toward ‘earning money’ out of what I deem as ‘a pleasure’ such a taking photographs.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that person as financially stupid because of not equating the final profit-for-charity made out of the auction and the expenses for the event itself, wherein I allowed myself to compound even more anger about the entire situation which was only building up further as the consequences of the entire backchat that I simply thought I had to ‘breathe through and not deal with it’ due-to/ because of that ‘still the mind’ personality/ character that I had decided to deliberately play out within that entire trip/ event in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fester anger and absolute irritation as the consequence of me not dealing with the backchat in the moment, and instead allowing it to compound to a point wherein I eventually explode as the consequence of not having spoken up in clarity to ensure that we are all equally informed about what is being done and what I am participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the entire charity point based on the consequences that we were facing in terms of money, instead of having had enough common sense approach to know what I was going to be participating in, and propose an actual solution to the event before hand, but instead, I allowed myself to be overridden with enthusiasm and excitement about ‘being invited overseas to exhibit my work’ without reading the fine-print on how the money point would work and function. This implies that I was the one that did not take responsibility for myself and my participation, which leads to in this anger/ ego possession, only project blame and further judgments within the self-victimization character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself every time that I see that I depend on another financially wherein in this case, I knew that I could not end up in a ‘bad manner’ with her because my hotel bill had to be paid – thus realizing how we compromise ourselves because of money wherein common sense and equal-agreements are not placed and discussed wherein there is a point of interest behind it all, which in this case was money all the time – yet, I blinded myself by thinking or believing that ‘true altruism’ is existent and that I was in fact being invited by ‘good people,’ which is not a point of further judgment projection, but a realization of how everything works in this world through/ as/ by and for money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the self-victimized state of ‘I feel cheated’ because of seeing that I could not earn money other than just giving that money to pay for my hotel bill and that was it, wherein I compensated the entire thing with thoughts like ‘I earned good reputation from it,’ wherein I then gave more worth to the recognition/ fame experience rather than actually considering the expenses that I had to cover from the expectation of being able to earn a percentage of the works.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always talk myself into the ‘positive attitude/ positive side’ of things, wherein after I see that I have lost/ that the expectations were not met, I go into thinking that ‘the experience is worth it’ and that it was a ‘cool experience’ overall, which is how we have justified the ‘learning lessons’ point in life wherein we are actually participating in mechanisms of self-abuse without really taking on the points to correct within ourselves, but instead sugar coat it with ‘positive experience’ to not have to take responsibility for what we accept and allow from each other as the mechanisms of this world system based on money/ profit and greed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there were ‘true good intentions’ behind it all, such as supporting ‘emerging artists’ and gathering work from around the world, which is how I allowed myself to ‘calm myself down’ in the moment, ‘stilling the mind’ by accepting such positive view as real and more important than the actual money—issue that was discussed before, wherein I believed that because I was getting extremely angry toward her in my facial expression, she started ‘soothing’ the entire point by the good positive thinking attitude to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must contain myself’ whenever I am boiling up in anger, which is further self-manipulation wherein I am not allowing myself to simply breathe and without reaction speak in common sense to be on equal terms, but instead remain quiet only building up an inner battle of anger vs. stilling the mind and becoming utterly displeased and frustrated about the whole situation there.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my expression once that I have already compounded energetic reactions wherein I know beforehand that whatever I speak will be like venom trying to sound ‘correct’ while holding the anger as energy accumulated equal in intensity to the amount of time that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat while remaining quiet/ not directing myself to communicate effectively with people with whom I am directly participating in a certain situation/ event/ process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as anger once that I am finally speaking out, wherein the anger then becomes seemingly ‘uncontrollable’ based on the self-righteousness that I access in that moment stemming from my perceived victimization, wherein I realize that because I have taken the ‘lesser/ victimized’ position, I believe that ‘I have the right to be angry’ at others, instead of realizing my point of self-responsibility within this situation wherein I was the one that accepted and allowed such anger to accumulate based on my laxity of self-direction due-to/ because of thinking that ‘everything was under control’ and that I did not have to worry about it, that I could just ‘let it be’ and breathe through my questions and uncertainties about the entire event, which are obvious indications that every moment that I ‘shut myself off’ without understanding why I was asking such questions lead me to a point of inevitable anger and frustration of which I didn’t see myself as absolutely responsible for.

 

I realize that I had held this event as a ‘bad experience’ in my life based on the relationship that ‘broke up’ in that moment, wherein I remain blaming the other person instead of having realized my absolute participation in every single moment that I allowed backchat to continue in judging and criticizing without taking Self Responsibility for it. Thus I see that every moment that I ‘breathed through my reactions,’ I was in fact only suppressing them to not have to face my own point of self-responsibility and instead, position myself as the ‘victim’ within the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize everything and all justifications/ validations and excuses that were presented as the reason why such event took place because of not being in the moment hearing unconditionally, but I was already positioned within anger, frustration and victimization which is how no communication can be effective as I realize that once I am possessed with anger, I blind my ears as all I can see is ‘anger’ as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be ‘right’ about my assessment on the entire event, keeping this self-righteousness as my assessment as ‘real’ because that way I could ensure that I would remain as the victim within it all, to not see where I missed my absolute self-responsibility within my participation of every single moment of and through the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access the pattern of me wanting to ‘leave the scene’ every time that I get into a point of conflict with another, wherein once that I am possessed with anger and frustration, I feel like crying and yelling and storming out of the place – which is all based on the amount of thoughts that I allowed myself to participate in with no sense of self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buildup my anger even more every time once that I am participating in a conflict with another, they present the ‘bright side’ of the entire situation as to ‘ease the experience’ within myself, which is when I make use of them being aware that I am utterly pissed off to further enhance my self-righteous anger and simply not speak as to ‘let them know that I am utterly mad and angry’ – which is a pattern that I learned since I was a little girl and my parents and I would go into a fight, I’d play out the tantrum of being extremely pissed off and no matter what they did to ‘make me happy again’ – such as buying me some candy/ thing that I like eating – I would toss it back at them and enhance my tantrum with further crying and yelling as to let them know that ‘I was not able to be bought like that.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a self-righteousness within me to get angry/ be mad at people wherein once that I am possessed in this anger, I perceive it is too difficult to ‘let go’ of it, without realizing that it will take definitive and clear self direction to establish myself here as breath again, because anger is an indication of the accumulation of backchat over time that I allowed to ‘go by’ with no self-responsible direction to stop and instead, take responsibility for the points that instigated/ initiated the anger in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become even more irritated when the other person ended up the entire conversation with a ‘we all learned and had a good time which is what matters,’ without realizing that I have played the exact same point to make things ‘okay’ within myself at the end so that I do not have to face the consequences of not having directed me in every moment in the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create further disillusionment toward an entire career (!) based on one single event that lead me to believe that I was simply not able to ‘cope with the artworld’ which is a tendency that I had in relation to giving-up a point the very first moment that I see ‘it’s not working’ wherein all that I seek for is my way out of it as soon as possible, instead of facing the consequences, walking through the necessary solutions to ensure that I no longer remain as a victim in my own mind, but learn how to direct myself as life here in equality as what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate spiteful experience while thinking ‘art is just another fucking business’ as to justify my entire disillusionment and experience, wherein I allowed myself to be possessed by judgment and believing that ‘I had been cheated,’ while in fact it was all built due to and because of my laxity to be self-directive in everything I participate on, being aware of each step that I will be involved in, developing proper communication wherein there is equal understanding within the agreements that must exist when two or more people unite to give direction to a particular point/ event – and within this, also ensuring that I no longer judge money as ‘dirty business’ as I realize that this is the main judgment that lead me to create the laxity as in ‘not wanting to sound self-interested in money but only doing it because of the art,’ and also because of not wanting to exist as a ‘business person’ because of how I judged business people as ‘greedy people,’ and it all being just in my head based on the ‘puritan’ idea of myself as being not interested in money and being ‘alright’ just with the experience of going there and ‘doing my thing.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the immediate pattern of isolating myself/ not wanting to see anyone when feeling this angry, using weed to soothe the moment and deciding that I didn’t want to be an artist any longer, which is an absolute tantrum that I threw as a constant pattern I have lived throughout my life wherein the moment things don’t go ‘my way,’ I simply step out completely of the game, lose all interest and mutate my interests into something else, just to remain within that eternal desire to fulfill myself in one way or another, which is what kept me ‘going’ in my life: creating ideals, dreams and desires that I could ‘live up to’ and in that, never really living HERE as life, but remaining only as a constant character seeking to fulfill itself in the right play.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my ‘torment’ and entire anger/ frustration a ‘work of art’ wherein I dedicated myself to take pictures and create a little video that I entitled muerte/‘death’ as the death of my pursuit of happiness through an artistic career within this particular frame of ‘fame’ as glamorous art exhibits. I used this video as yet another shift in my character that I gave value and meaning as to my new approach toward art from a more ‘spiritual’ perspective – which is yet another character that I will be walking as the ‘seeking for a more meaningful art’ type of artist personality, which lasted for a couple of months before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce a pattern of justifying me becoming emotional and turning it into ‘art’ which is how I fueled the pattern of ‘ You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ /Read the entry on this point here and within this, create another layer of mindfuck to make it all ‘worthy’ for myself again when making of this event another ‘source of inspiration’ which later on became a relationship of spitefulness toward art that I had to walk through the remainder of my career. Such a love story.

 

All of these events took place in a very rapid manner wherein I went from one spot to the other like a bumblebee trying to suck the very last drop of honey to see which one would ‘work the best,’ never realizing that such eternal search for ‘something’ in separation of myself was only me existing in separation of myself here, wherein I sought to be ‘more’ that ‘moreness’ of myself in separation of myself here as breath, as life, as the physical wherein I do not require to create events and experiences to LIVE but life is here as myself in every breath.

 

Disparate 2005

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself ‘keeping quiet’ in any given situation wherein I do have questions and perspectives to share that are in essence questioning/ contradicting the nature of an event/ situation with one or more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern as the usual fear of creating conflict/ facing responsibility for myself – therefore I direct myself to ensure that I am here breathing and speak to share what I see in common sense should be considered within the event/ situation to ensure that I stand as the self-directive principle of what I accept and what I do not accept myself to participate in and exist within my world.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the victimization pattern of thinking that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I am being used,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the way for me to not face the responsibility that I hold toward a particular moment and event, and that I must stop the victimized thoughts to take self responsibility for what I have created. I realize that I can in fact simply stop getting into the cycle by developing proper communication and understanding with all people that I have a direct relationship/ agreement with in terms of the participation within an event/ activity wherein I ensure I am in fact directing me and not a character of laxity and carelessness direct myself as an ‘everything will be fine’ type of personality. I stand equal to and one with the event and the physical practical considerations with no judgment toward the pertinent questions that must be asked and considered.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am the one ‘guilty’ for causing a problem or an emotional experience in another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the pattern and mechanism that I use in order to not have to take responsibility for my own participation in such event/ situation, but instead place myself as ‘the sack of blame,’ taking it all on me to confirm that I have ‘done something wrong’ and within this, victimize myself instead of taking self responsibility for my actions and words in every single moment. Instead I direct myself to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail in a conversation/ communication and walking agreement with another/ other beings, as I direct myself in common sense at all times considering the consequence and outflow of my participation and words, which is how I can ensure that I do not engage in any ‘personal conflicts’ of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself judging the outflows and consequences of an event/ situation not turning out in a best for all way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only judging that which I allowed to unfold with no directive principle, which is the only way that things can ‘go wrong’ = when all participants and the purpose of something is not directed toward a best for all outcome. Thus I realize that I must not trust that points are being conducted in the ‘best possible way,’ but instead I ensure that I get practically involved in informing myself within and about all decisions and everything related to that point that I will be practically participating in, to ensure that whatever I do and with whomever I co-operate, I stand as an equal-participant in equal understanding of what is being practically conducted in every step taken, and all decisions made as to ensure that there are no ‘gaps’ of misunderstanding or any other opportunity to deceive one another.

 

When and as I see myself trying to only ‘still the mind’ as in suppressing the actual thoughts and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way of not taking responsibility for the thoughts that I am creating in my mind, and that it is another mechanism to evade having to take responsibility for the words that I am speaking/ and thoughts that I am participating in. Thus instead of ‘shutting them off,’ I breathe and I direct myself to see who I am within such thoughts, what is the starting point of it, how can I practically assist myself with such thoughts, self-forgiving and correcting those that serve no other purpose but fueling the ego and, that way ensure that I am able to express in clarity as breath, to expose the pertinent and practical considerations within any given particular event/ situation.

 

When and as I see myself judging me for asking about money when we are speaking about a job situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only judge this point for judging money as self-interest and greed in itself, instead of considering that it is an actual practical consideration that must be equally understood in any given contract and job situation, any transaction wherein money is involved and to see it for what it is, instead of tainting it with self-judgment as in ‘loathing’ the entire monetary system just by having to receive money to live.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for having something not working properly, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another way of diverting my own point of self responsibility toward my direct participation in events, situations and agreements – thus I take responsibility for my reactions as the result of my own lack of self direction, as I realize that I am able and capable of directing myself within the consideration of the outflows and consequences of that which I participate and that which I do not direct as myself. Within this, I see that placing myself as the directive principle in everything I participate in is the way to ensure all I participate in stands in clear-terms between all participants with an intended outcome wherein all parts are considered and the aim is what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself trying to portray myself as a non-interested-in-money person, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating this character as an ‘altruist’ and that It leads to participate in unclear businesses and monetary situations. Thus, I ensure that I direct myself to inform myself about the monetary agreements in any point I participate in without any form of judgment for asking about the how, who, when and why of the monetary situation within any given point of job/ event wherein money is involved.

 

When and as I see myself compromising my expression based on depending of another financially, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being financially dependent does not mean that I must keep quiet and comply to all the rules and regulations within no question at all. I see that I am able to be informed as a right to know what I am participating in, and this is a simple part of ensuring that whatever I do and direct myself in is not manipulated by money having ‘power over me,’ but I see money-matters as a practical and reality-based discussion due to how money is the point that allows us to live at the moment in this current system.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘bright side’ to an event and situation that went wrong/ didn’t work out as intended, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern of covering up the fuckups for what it is and instead direct myself to see the point that I missed throughout the entire sequence of events to take responsibility for the point missed to ensure I correct and take it into consideration from here on. And even more so, I realize that I am able to stop this entire ‘making up for’ excuses by simply directing myself effectively within the engagement of myself within a certain activity/ relationship/ point I participate in, wherein I can ensure that I am considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in terms of what’s best for all – and that if things ‘do not work out as intended,’ I will be able to take responsibility for the point as I recognize it as my creation in full awareness.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘leaving the scene’ once that I get into a conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realize that leaving points ‘unsolved’ created further rifts and that it is absolutely my responsibility to face the point in the moment by slowing myself down to breath, and talking out without participating in any emotional reaction, but simply direct the point in common sense.

 

I realize that I learned this from my mother wherein every time she would face a conflict, she’d just leave the room and go to her room and so within that thinking that I had the right to do the same within such self-victimized state, instead of taking self responsibility to ensure that I indeed remained in a position wherein I can assess my thoughts, actions and participation to ensure I take responsibility for what I manifested and walk the necessary corrections.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of dissing/ diminishing that which is no longer satisfying me or has not fulfilled me in the expected manner, I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point of judgment is in separation of myself as the point of responsibility that must walk the self-correction necessary to ensure that I see myself as the creator and responsible of a point not working out the intended way and a such, ensure that I correct the pattern within me wherein I ‘missed’ the point – thus I learn from these mistakes to ensure I stand as the correction necessary within such event/ point.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a tantrum based on self-victimization, seeking to now glorify the experience as a ‘meaningful artwork’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there will be no need to throw tantrums and go into self victimization once that I ensure I walk in equal-understanding and self-responsibility to all points that I participate in. This is then stopping the love/hate relationship toward anything and everyone in my world to ensure that I equalize myself as all relationships and associations I form based on what’s best for all and common sense – everything else is just deviation from the principle, which implies I take it back to self, walk it through self forgiveness to see which pattern I am playing out and walk the necessary living correction.

 

I commit myself to stop any desire to fulfill myself with seeking another experience/ event/ relationship once that another one didn’t ‘work out, as this is the usual pattern that follows once the positive energy experience is depleted from one situation/ event/ point wherein we see ourselves again ‘seeking for the moreness of ourselves’ in separation of ourselves. Thus I stop, I breathe and continue walking my day to day living ensuring that I remain as breath – and stop all desires to fulfill myself through experiences.

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“Your past is just a story, and once you realize this, it has no power over you” Palahniuk Chuck

This drawing depicts that moment of the conversation in her car – however in real life I was not at the wheel. 2007

 

Blogs to Get out of Character:

• Day 45: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements

• Day 79: Stepping out of Character with LOVED ONES

• The First Creation of Character: DAY 79

“Don’t try to get rid of the ego!”

“Don’t try to get rid of the ego-sensation. Take it, so long as it lasts, as a feature or play of the total process – like a cloud or wave, or like feeling warm or cold, or anything else that happens of itself. Getting rid of one’s ego is the last resort of invincible egoism! It simply confirms and strengthens the reality of the feeling. But when this feeling of separateness is approached and accepted like any other sensation, it evaporates like the mirage it is.” – Alan Watts

I considered Alan Watts among my ‘favorite writers’ for some time after reading his books back in 2006/7. He is known for making the East-culture ‘digestible’ to Western societies. His way of explaining reality certainly broadened my perspective about myself as part of this world, as well as my general consideration of what equality and oneness is. The Zen approach toward life gives us this type of thinking that he left in his books wherein there is a continuous call-out to not participate in one’s mind and kind of just ‘go with the flow’ for there is an ‘inherent harmony’ in reality – particularly focusing on ‘stilling the mind’ which is one of his books as well. Nonetheless, as much as his books were of great support to start becoming aware of myself as breath and becoming more self-conscious, there was still something ‘missing’ within his approach to life.

 

Later on, I realized that ‘letting the thoughts go by’ would only perpetuate the anger or frustration that I would experience within me, because trying to ‘shove them under the rug’ is simply another form of denying the fact that they are ‘myself’ as well – not who I really am, yet self-created.  It also became something ‘elusive’ to try to ‘still my mind’ and just let everything be. I remember experiencing an internal conflict when suppressing my thoughts and ‘shutting myself off’ when reactions would come up, particularly when interacting with people.

 

The missing-point within Watts’ approach to life is the promotion of Self-Responsibility for the thoughts and the creation that we have accepted and allowed as ourselves as our ‘ego’/ personality/ mind. I can understand his approach of not creating a ‘fight/ struggle’ within wanting to ‘get rid of it’ which is what we at Desteni say in terms of ‘you can’t get rid of your mind/ you can’t fight yourself as your mind.’ Though! the big-link missed in Watts is realizing that we have to stand one and equal to/as our mind, to be able to stand as the self-directive principle in common sense. It’s not to fight or shut it off either, it is to walk an actual space-time/ day-to-day living process of investigating ourselves as our thoughts to support ourselves to actually disengage from such self definitions as ‘who we are’ through Self-Forgiveness, which is the necessary process to take Self-Responsibility; and from that, walk the necessary corrections within ourselves and in our reality. This is willing ourselves to be and become human beings that consider the whole as ourselves and implement the necessary changes/ corrections in our reality to make this an actual reality for all.

 

When I read Watts books, I got a nice, refreshing perspective of ourselves as part of the Universe – yet I didn’t have any practical tools on how-to deal with anger, frustration, irritation and the abuse that I was inflicting on to myself at the time. I became like a ‘silent observer’ of reality while swallowing it and suppressing myself,  ‘letting everything pass’ and seeking the ‘nice’ aspects of every moment, trying hard to cover the actual reality ‘happening’ inside me that was ‘there’ all the time, like an uncomfortable shadow that I was creating when seeking some light.

 

Reading his books, we get a ‘sensation’ that ‘everything just is’ and we just have to ‘let it be.’ ‘Everything finds its way’ and within that, I became more comfortable within my position of not taking self-responsibility. Once again, I was simply just expecting something to ‘happen’ that could fix the world. I didn’t take me –or even considered myself – as ‘the point’ that stands up to acknowledge this point: we just can’t spend our lives ‘letting it all be’ within a world of abuse and massive disregard of each one to another. We have to take Self-Responsibility for our creation.

 

This was a breakthrough in my reality, wherein I saw that everything I was experiencing was actually ME and that stopping my thoughts and shutting off my mind without investigating ‘how’ and ‘why’ I was experiencing such emotions and feelings only led me into further mazes wherein I became really ‘fed-up of it all,’ i.e. ‘fed-up’ with myself without being able to see/ realize that I was creating such mental storms because of not daring to face the thoughts as myself, as the reality that I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

That’s how the process of Self-Forgiveness that I’ve been walking began with me finally taking a look at my emotions as points that I’ve accepted and allowed within myself, while actually acknowledging through a written/ spoken process how they are not necessary in order to live and why I can then simply stop participating in them once that we have walked the process of understanding ‘How’ we have created such experiences.

 

This is just one aspect that I place on the table at the moment, yet there are other points that I’ll share because I realize that maybe someone is also fond of Watts’ writings yet is ‘battling’ with the same point I got to battle with and for which I have found a very cool platform of self-support through the tools provided at Desteni: Writing ourselves to freedom – which is getting to know ourselves through our words, how we have ‘constructed’ our ego, as essentially ‘man know thyself’. Then we can effectively correct ourselves in Self-Honesty, which is the consideration of myself as one and equal as everything that exists here wherein we require walking an actual process of Self-Corrective Application. This means living in a way that is best for all once we realize our points of Self-Responsibility through writing out Self-Forgiveness, which is giving ourselves back to ourselves, along with the opportunity to correct our ‘ways’ in/of the mind. So rather than shut ourselves up, we recognize what we have accepted and allowed to exist within ourselves and correct it in our day to day living.

 

I’ve found that it is only through Forgiving Ourselves that we give and recognize ourselves as the point of Authority toward ourselves and everything that we create in this world, an Equal-Authority that can only be recognized if standing one and equal as everything that is here, which is the process that we are currently busy with.

 

Hence, it’s not to just ‘let the ego play out’ and then passively observe it as if it had any ‘reason’ to exist, but to ‘take the bull by the horns’ and face ourselves as the reality that we have become.

 

Breathing then becomes the constant realization that I am here, I face myself and my reality. I face the thoughts as they are a tool to support myself, to see and realize where and how I am procrastinating within my self-application to stand up and correct my patterns and habits that aren’t supporting the expression of what I really am as Life – one and equal. I forgive myself whenever any reaction comes when finally daring to open ‘Pandora’s box’ and seeing the reality of what I have become.

 

This is a collective process wherein the ‘outcome’ can only be measured according to each one’s application within the consideration of what’s best for all. In this, there is a lot more to consider besides just the thoughts in our mind or our ego, but the entire structure and reality that we’ve built as a manifestation/externalization of our mind.

 

Separation begins and ends within us – this is a process. We have the tools, all we require to do is walk/ live them in order to become the actual proof that it is possible to face ourselves and remain here. That’s the only way we can see ‘what’s real’ and ‘what’s not real’ after having verified for ourselves what is able to remain constant and consistent as who we really are.

Face Yourself: Write Yourself to Freedom – that’s the only way to exorcise our thoughts and exercise our ability to create ourselves as beings that are Self-Responsible and take the necessary actions to create a world that’s Best for All, once that is done, we’ll be able to ‘let it all be’ as we will be HERE living as equals. For now, there is actual work to be done.

http://www.equalmoney.org  To create a world that is actually working for all.

http://www.desteni.org To begin with yourself, to apply the tools that are actually liberating from one’s thoughts in a self-directive manner.

Further support here  ‘What is Self Silence?’

Quote taken from:
Watts, A. The book, on the taboo against knowing who you are. Vintage, 1989. 122. Print.

Support yourself – learn how to walk this process to the utmost specificity here

Beginners – Thoughts, Writings and Self Forgiveness – Conscious, SubConscious and UnConscious Mind

Spirit-to-hellity: a Heart-based business

Buy your peace of mind.

It’s been proven throughout history that the human has a tendency to seek a form of ‘reuniting with the hole’ and using/testing many ways to do so – it’s no longer a ‘mystery’ on how this has been ever pervasive along with the human kind – this is due to a preprogrammed set up to seek ‘god’ and seek that way of submitting to a greater force, to feel ‘detached from the whole’ to then seek ways to ‘get back together’ through any means such as religions which have now mutated into a more new-age era friendly practice called ‘spirituality’ which is apparently the evolution to fool-fill  the hole that major religions ‘left open’ in their practices.

Spirituality then fits the needs for a convoluted society that’s currently existing in a continuous survival mode wherein time is money, where the atrocities that are committed day to day affect the psyche of the being’s stability and general life experience of the individuals which leads everyone to seek some ‘peace of mind’ – we’ve all been there, most of us have had some experience with the spiritual practices wherein we indulged into that never-ending quest for self perfection through ‘peace of mind’, obtaining the ‘right answers’, endless ‘creative power’, perfect harmony within yourself, accepting it all as it is and only focusing on positive thinking, prosperity, happiness, love, freedom and the ultimate quest for enlightenment. All of this is easily able to be nowadays packaged and sold to you for exorbitant prices that you are willing to pay because it is apparently that type of inversions that will assure you some type of seat in the front row of enlightenment or an illusory quest to a heavenly ever after.

Within seeking these guides, paths and ways to fulfill this ‘inherent longing to reconnect with the whole’ or with the primordial energy a.k.a. ‘god’,  we get to indulge in various ways to brainwash ourselves into believing that being at ease with ourselves, allowing the world to just ‘be’ and focus on positive thinking is what will lead us to an eternal life and ever lasting grace – it is not, yet this is widely sold as truth and people buy it because it’s easier to buy your quick fix wherein you’ll be apparent a happy, stable and all-knowing person than having to face yourself in your reality, walking practical steps to realize how light and love as well as seeking that peace of mind won’t come just by listening to some tapes, repeating some mantras, meditating for hours and pretending that you’re not in and of this world.

The deception is clear now – yet there are many that are paying thousands to get these type of quick fixes that go hand in hand with the ever-present abdication of self responsibility as human beings. It also suits an entire ‘lifestyle’ wherein you’re apparently healthy and clean and not participating in the shit that’s going on in this world overlooking  the most basic common sense implied within being oneness and equality, which is that no one is really devoid of such responsibility, no one is really clean from having taken part in the current decadence that we’re facing as our world. Hence, what is it that you’re really buying into yet again?

Buying your peace of mind.

Many people prefer to say ‘I’m spiritual’ instead of saying ‘I am a catholic/satanic/jew’ or whatever, because it’s more chic than being religious, because there are all types of ‘cool people’ into spirituality, smiling themselves into a make-believe brighter view of the world with positive thinking while buying their tickets to go see Deepak Chopra or hear a sugar-coated message by some channel that lets you know that ‘everything can be solved with LOVE’ – the majority is willing to pay for THAT as it provides a false sense of security, trust and ‘protection’ that has the marvelous ability to be invisible – which is what makes spirituality the perfect business in all its branches and subdivisions targeting  the reckless human nature that seeks only one’s own experience to be satisfactory, to be ‘at ease’ and at peace without having to look back at the world and the reality that billions are living in. It’s easier to pay to be ‘blessed by the spiritual masters’ than researching how this reality works and how is it that each one of us have accepted and allowed a system wherein you’ve got enough money to seek these type of ‘answers’ and buy yourself a seat in paradise – what about the rest of the world? May I ask.

Spirituality is nothing else but another drug to escape reality, it is no different to taking valium or prozac to cope with reality, you pay for both and you get a ‘better feeling of yourself’ within this reality, another band aid solution with juicy profiteering that’s now been ever increasing in direct proportion to the current state of this world which is of obvious disparity, instability and general madness making things like meditation and contemplation and generally forgetting about the world popular activities as a form of ‘recreation’ and ‘cultivation of one’s spiritual side’ without having to do anything but sitting back, relaxing and just chill –  instead of getting involved into an actual process of realizing HOW we are the ones that have created the current conditions of this world as it exist.

I once defined myself a spiritual person, in fact it’s the definition that I held for most of the time since throughout my life, I was more aware of the so-called ‘spiritual realms’ of channelings and what I knew as ‘spiritism’ than going to church which I was taught it was bollocks from a very early age. So I became part of the new-ager squad that would keep ‘spirituality’ as something ‘sacred’ and something that I intended to maintain as my secret belief, as something I had to ‘cult.ivate’ myself more into – all of this prior to finding Desteni of course. Then I realized that spiritualism was no different to believing in a god and that it was only a refurbished version of any other religion, only suited and packed to fit in today’s scheme of what’s ‘cool’ and ‘in’ within our current society. When I started seeing the extensive market-creation around this point, it became quite obvious that this wasn’t as ‘pure’ as I had thought – it was time to simply stop.

People are willing to accept anything that rings like bells to their ears, that which sounds ‘nice’ and ‘fun’ and ‘peaceful’ and ‘it works’ – proof is how you get people asking shit to the universe and making it work without even pondering how on Earth can’t such ‘love’ as shit to fool-fill your life manifest as food and houses for people starving in the world? How can such love not manifest as pipes of fresh and clean water for people to drink, cook and bathe themselves in, how can it not manifest as heaps of food that can be distributed to every single human being so that we could ensure that no one suffers from hunger, diseases and mental problems due to lacking proper conditions to live in.

It’s easy to be in white robes avoiding to get any dirt on.

Dare to face yourself, you don’t have to pay a single cent for that, all you require is self will to stop all mental delusions, all desires for quick fixes and actually walk a path of self-forgiveness in self honesty to realize How we are all equally responsible for this world and everything that exists in it and how we are also walking a process of correcting everything that is HERE as it is ourselves. Yet, this is no easy-way-out, it’s actually the long hard road out of hell but there is no other way.

At Desteni you won’t get sugar-coated messages, you essentially won’t hear what YOU want to hear to be at peace with yourself. You will actually end up facing the truth of yourself, that truth that is usually overlooked and covered up with massive blinding lights that have become the way to believe that ‘everything is fine’ and that the people that suffer  is because ‘they deserve it as part of their bad karma from previous lives’ – really? What would You think if you were one of those persons with ‘bad karma’, would you still justify and accept your suffering with such bullshit explanation? No.

There is no other way but to take self responsibility and stop all desires to short cut yourself into a heavenly experience that has only been sold as a nice story from the times of the buy-bill that have now been refurbished and sold as that ever lasting love and light-bulb bliss story that will apparently solve all your troubles and exfoliate all your pain.

All delusions begin and end with ourselves. If we are not capable of stopping them, we better end ourselves and allow a self to emerge that won’t EVER again delegate its beingness into a belief of something ‘more’ than who we are and within that missing our ability to actually live and be free in Equality.

”Accepting the Idea of God will take me through all parts of existence as me in search for / belief of God in ALL FORMS this God exist, until I have walked all paths/cycles/lifetimes and manifestations as me to get to the realisation: there is no god – only me / this the extent of accepting/allowing a belief in the idea of god – for me and all of me that is here “– Sunette Spies

Lights out

.

The END of Spirituality in an Equal Money System