Tag Archives: superior

430. Recognition

When looking at redefining a word,  an exercise is to see what kind of associations do I have in relation to it, what kind of memories are attached to this word that could prevent me from actually redefining it and living the word in a supportive manner. So this is a work in progress to redefine the word recognition in a team, which means each one will look at their relationship to the work and draw some main points to bring on the table to finalize the definition that can be relatable and supportive for others in this process of learning how to live words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the Word recognition to the idea of being clapped at by an audience upon gaining some kind of prize or recognition for doing ‘well’ in something, and so becoming the center of attention for everyone else in that one moment, without realizing that this is what I imprinted within me based on how the diplomas in school – year by year  at the end of it – would read ‘reconocimiento’ as in ‘recognizing’ and my name plus the point of participation, achievement or award gotten in school or other contests, wherein I would end up being the ‘winner’ of either of the three places given to students with certain achievements and within this, creating a polarity relationship of recognition based on not wanting to only be recognized or known by others for ‘being the good student’ but at the same time, considering that I had earned it so, it was my right to be recognized that way.

So in this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to dislike getting any form of recognition because of having had the experience of seeing this recognition as a form of superiority-value that detached me or separated me from the rest of the people, made me ‘special’ in a way, which led me to dislike getting any form of praise or recognition due to how unequal this felt, but at the same time getting used to it and so, if there was no recognition to me, I would feel as not good enough or somewhat invisible – all of this due to how I got ‘used to’ being singled out as better than/special, in spite of knowing that this is not what I am comfortable with – yet I accepted it as a self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my starting point of doing things for the sake of being seen/recognized by others in any way, which means that I was not in fact doing things in my life for me, as my expression but many times were ways to get particular people’s attention, to be recognized/acknowledged by others and so ‘gain’ some space in their reality – all of this because of a perception of not having been good enough for it, or not being ‘special’ enough and/or being flawed in other ways and so making it up by building a certain personality that I knew could be recognized by others that I was interested to be in relationship with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being recognized only for a few particular traits as part of ‘who I am’ and so, deliberately building a personality that could be eccentric or overtly expressive and ‘unique’ in a way to step out of the cliché of only being a ‘good student in school’ and so, seeking to now be recognized as being somewhat that is cool and ‘in’ and ‘special’ because of being ‘different’ to most people in terms of attitude and looks and so forth – which is nothing else but building a persona to be recognized by others in a way that I did like. This means that it was all made for praising my ego and not at all in any way for supporting myself and my expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times having pushed myself a lot to do certain things to ‘prove myself to others’ and so be recognized for being intelligent, special, unique even ‘strong’ in the sense of not being weakened easily – all of this to overcome my own vulnerability which accompanied me most of my young phases of my life, and in doing this also wanting to be recognized as someone that cannot be hurt or someone you cannot mess with. All of this again to cover up for the actual inferiority and vulnerability I would experience as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live the paradox of disliking certain types of recognition, while at the same time seeking to be recognized for particular preferred ‘traits’ or personalities that I considered I wanted to value myself with in order to be liked, accepted by others that I had a specific interest to be liked/appreciated/acknowledged by.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that recognition is something that is given from others to oneself and that one cannot recognize oneself only, because that means I am not ‘valued’ by others, which is a false equation there, believing that one does not have validity if we don’t exist as ‘some value’ for others. And this is where one abdicates the ability to recognize oneself and others based on what  people or things are in themselves, without the need to ‘value’ but just by sheer acknowledgement.

It is also funny because whenever I had done something ‘bad/wrong’ as a child, my mother would say’ have you seen what you have done??’ and I would say ‘yes I recognize it’ but that was involved with yes I recognize it AND take the blame for it, so also to short circuit that idea that with recognizing comes some blame or ‘price to pay’ to rather see it as ‘Ok how did I fuck up? How can I correct this? How can I learn from a mistake or failure?

recognize or recognise
n    verb
1    identify as already known; know again. Ø(of a computer or other device) identify and respond correctly to (a sound, character, etc.).
2    acknowledge the existence, validity, or legality of. Øformally acknowledge that (a country or government) is eligible to be dealt with as a member of the international community.
3    reward formally.
4    (of a person chairing a meeting or debate) call on (someone) to speak.

I see that to live the word recognition it would imply being aware of myself/my life, to know me, to acknowledging me as what I am, what I am doing, what I’ve done and within that rather assess/recognize the points that need to be changed/aligned and also to acknowledge that which I’ve accomplished/achieved in a way that assists me in this process of aligning to what is best for myself and so best for others in acknowledging what is outside of myself as well and apply the same principle.

This way, I am the one living recognition, giving myself that time to reflect, to acknowledge, to take responsibility for or to simply say ‘well done’ in any point that I’ve found I’ve been able to complete/achieve in a way that supports me and my life. In this, the ‘value’ of oneself is not built by others perceptions as I used to, it is a self-recognition, a self-assessment based on being aware of one’s words, deeds and being honest to see what needs to be changed, what requires fine tuning, where did I miss my own direction, where was I tempted or lured by an experience instead of deciding with common sense? And so this becomes more of a word that enables one’s own feedback loop so to speak rather than a series of judgments, beliefs, perceptions that we create within ourselves and project toward others.

 

 

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132. EgoMania: Narcissism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I exist within/as a sense of self importance, believing that the entire world revolves around me and label it as Narcissistic Disorder Personality, which is simply a name that has been given in this world to an enhanced sense of ‘self’ in our world, wherein we are simply existing as this augmented idea of self in our mind, as the ego which is everything that we have created of ourselves as a mental configuration in order to have something to define ourselves as, without realizing how every point of self-importance and definition is in fact a limitation to who I really am as one and equal, wherein there cannot exist any form of ‘superiority’ or inferiority’ as we are all physical beings of flesh and bones that cannot possibly exist as ‘more’ than others that are also flesh and bones.

I realize that within this world we have created names for so-called mental disorders without really having a clue of how the mind works and how we could all be labeled narcissistic as we are all only looking after our own survival and self-importance that can only exist as an enhanced ego/ idea of self that we then believe is ‘who we really are,’ without realizing it is only a set of thoughts that we have integrated as ‘who we are,’ eventually becoming those thoughts as words that exist only as a limited configuration of self as a personality/ character without ever pondering if this is in fact what ‘self-importance’ must be/ should be –

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am in fact superior to any other being and that the world revolves around me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only existing as this limited mind frame of self interest wherein I have made myself ‘more’ than others as my own ego. Thus I take responsibility for such belief within the understanding that it is only in my mind that I can create something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than other – thus I direct myself to walk the perceived point of superiority/ inferiority toward others in specificity, ensuring that I align my thoughts and deeds to the realization of us being equal beings that require to establish physical agreements to live as such.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the belief that ‘the world revolves around me,’ wherein I had definitely placed myself as the center of my reality in my world and believing that it is ‘normal’ to always seek to win, to always seek to be the best, to always be aiming at eliminating any form of rivalry, which is only the ego of the mind that I have become and that I am here to walk as the process of realizing who am I and what I have become as my own thoughts, backchats internal conversations that I have embodied, without having ever considered how it is in these very thoughts that I came to separate myself from everything and everyone else in an ‘superiority’ state that I have accepted as ‘who am I’ by default/ automatically.

I see, realize and understand that any ‘need’ to make myself ‘more’ than others was in fact stemming from the fear of being less than others, and fear of not being ‘good enough’ and a such, fear of standing on the spotlight to which I then created an opposite experience as rejection to being in a ‘visible position,’ which is just another polarity game wherein in my mind where I kept myself low-profile while deeply inside still wanting to be seen/ recognized or admired for what I believe in my mind was ‘special’ about me.

When and as I see myself existing within the default character of ‘the world revolves around me,’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to within the consideration of that which I am thinking only relates to me, to expand it to others as one and equal and in that, immediately realize that that which I am only linking to ‘me’ is in fact related to all as one and equal. Thus I direct myself to consider everything and all as one and equal and within this consideration, take the necessary steps to ensure that the world revolves around the principle of life in Equality and not around a principle of self-interest that benefits only a few.

I commit myself to create a world system wherein the realization of being one and equal can actually be lived as an entire social,  political and economical framework wherein all that will be able to exist is life in equality and any other ‘delusion’ such as the exacerbated self-importance that any point of ‘narcissism’ creates, is walked through a process of self-correction to eventually equalize this aspect to an equal and one realization of who we are in reality/ in fact in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having spent a lifetime only concerned with Me-me-me all the time, always seeking to satisfy me-me-me and manipulating, controlling and doing everything that I was able and capable to do, so that I in my mind could remain as ‘the winner’ and the ultimate ‘champion’ that could ‘do it all’ and as such, developing a sense of confidence after having realized to what extent I actually feared everything and everyone and in this, realizing that the only way to ‘cope’ with reality is becoming the imposition of fear upon others as an image of being ‘invincible’ while in fact, such image of strength, courage and bravery is a cover-up for the actual fears that I accepted and allowed to exist within ad as me, without being able to understand why –

It is only now that we are able to understand the beginning of ourselves as creation, I can see and realize that it is in fact important to understand the beginning of our creation in order to ‘make sense’ of what we have become, otherwise, it is plain ludicrous that we have gotten ourselves this far,  without having ever considered to what extent we were oblivious of our own physical body, of each other, of this world and only accepting things ‘as they are’ with no incentive to find out ‘more’ about ourselves, but only remaining as obedient servants to ‘how things work’ and ‘what’s always been like this.’ Thus I realize that through understanding fear as part of the origin of ourselves as this creation, any characters that exist as an apparent positive attribute and ‘strength’ is and can only exist as a compensating mechanism/making-up for past characters that stood/ existed as the exact opposite of what is now presented and projected as confidence/ strength, which is how all we currently exist as is nothing but characters – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see and realize and understand that any projection of strength, security, certainty and grandiosity can only exist as a character that covers up for the fears, the inadequate experiences and the belittling of myself that I had become, wherein we are only now realizing to what extent the starting point of everything we are and create must be corrected as we are already the direct consequence of stemming from fear as creation– thus it is quite ludicrous to even believe that someone that presents themselves as superior can be in fact so without seeing the actual fear and inFEARiority that exists in such portrayal as characters that make up for other characters in order to not have to sort out the initial fear, face it and walk the necessary self correction.

When and as I see myself creating an idea of self importance in relation to everything and everyone else, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am possessing myself with my own thoughts and that in such split moment that I went up thinking about the ‘who I am’ toward/ comparing myself to others, trying to place myself in a ‘superior position’ to give such an answer, is already an indication of existing as knowledge and information that seeks to validate itself as such, instead of immediately breathing, and recognizing that we are in fact only divided by our own god as the mind that thinks, that believes and perceives what is here through the eye of the mind, the limited perception that we have become due to our own acceptance and allowance to Only be the mind, forgetting about the entirety of the physicality that we breathe in/as  in every moment.

I commit myself to equalize myself as my mind to and as the physical in order to ensure that my life as a physical being is directed to honor life in equality and to create in fact a world wherein there I no piece of ‘ego’ left to create inequality between the living words as flesh that we are here, ready to walk and to in fact create a world wherein self-honesty and self-equalization as life is our new living reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a default-mode of protecting myself against criticism and/or being corrected, wherein such point of being pointed out a flaw/ a misalignment indicates that my stance as ‘a perfect being’ in my mind is threatened by another, thus I see and realize that any attempt to react in anger toward those that are pointing out something to see and correct for myself’ is only me as the ego of the mind trying to defend myself –

When and as I see myself reacting to any form of criticism and correction, I stop and I breathe – I take responsibility for myself to in that moment breathe and realize that only an ego can react whenever another is pointing out something to correct and walk as part of a self-corrective process that I am in fact actually grateful for, as it is only through my participation and interaction/ communication with others that we can face ourselves in self-honesty. For further expansion on this point, read  93. “No need to explain, I got it”

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every moment that I receive constructive criticism wherein I instead realize that it is to be grateful to have the ability of receiving feedback upon myself and my ‘doings’ in life, as we had become so used to only ‘caring for ourselves’ that another’s flaw was seen as an opportunity for us to get ‘past’ such person with such flaw, instead of actually stopping and assisting and supporting them to see and realize the point that is being missed within ourselves/ our reality within the consideration of how we can only thrive through living as equals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind having judged people that I believed were arrogant, self-centered and egotistical to the utmost degree, without realizing that every time that I thought this and believed myself to be judging them ‘fairly,’ was in fact me mirroring myself back to myself, wherein I had not seen and realized how that which I experience in my mind as judgment is in fact only about me, using others as a mirror to see who and what I have become – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own reflection as the personalities and ‘ego’ that others presented in my reality, that I only judged in a critical manner, without ever realizing that I was always only in fact judging myself as the mirror of who and what I have become in fact.

When and as I see myself judging other people that I perceived as narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant and selfish I stop and I breathe – I realize that these judgments are in fact related to me, thus I take the point to ensure that I walk through the prominent patterns wherein such labeled ‘narcissism’ exists, so that others can also have a look at how the Desteni I Process in fact is a pivotal point of supporting ourselves/ one another to face who we are and have become as our mind, with the assistance of a buddy that is essential to begin ‘trapping’ ourselves in our own believed and perceived ‘stability’ as ego and superiority that we tend to create in our minds.

I commit myself to live the realization that all judgment that I create in my mind is always about myself – thus within this, I see and realize that any judgment upon anyone and any aspect of this reality can in fact be exposed to make it evident, yet walked through a process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that we in fact take responsibility for the point of separation of which the judgment stems from. This way we ensure that every ‘spot’ we encounter within/ as ourselves is taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to expose the so-called mental disorders as labels that only serve to entertain ourselves with apparent ‘dysfunctional minds,’ without understanding who and what we are as the mind.  Thus the commitment lies upon educating myself and others to understand how the mind works in detail and in doing so, ensuring that we in fact create a point of self-stability and self-direction standing one and equal as the mind, the physical, energy and substance within the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to exist as a being that regards life in equality within/as everything and all that is here, which sounds ‘cool’ yet requires an actual physical system to implement such ‘view’ and realization of who we are as Life in/ as a new political, economical and social system that will enable beings to realize equality as the only value that is Life, which is how the Equal Money System is the essential platform to live and coexist as equals.

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Day 18: Self-Interest Sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept Selfishness as an inherent part of ‘who I am’ as human nature wherein I learned that I had to only care about myself and not bother to look at others’ lives as that would ‘consume me in worry/ concern’ that was ‘unnecessary’ within my life as a child when I would worry/ concern about others’ experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tamper my incipient common sense by what I accepted as ‘education’ wherein I learned to cover up my actual experience toward others with words like ‘Don’t care about them, don’t look at them, that’s their life’ and in that, accepting that I should only care about myself and focus on only achieving my ‘personal satisfaction’ wherein everything then became me-and-only-me in my world, to the point wherein any bit of looking outside into the world became an instant no-no within my mind, because of believing that others’ lives had Nothing to do with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use education and parental advices as a living-blueprint wherein I shut off my common sense and consideration/ regard for others, creating a great instability and dissatisfaction within myself, a constant ‘anguish’ that I could not pinpoint because ‘everything was alright’ in my life, I had it all, I was cared for, I was supported financially but something just wasn’t right in the world and in my attempt to discover what was it that was concerning me, I only created further experiential anguish and concern and worry with ‘making up a point’/ creating a point, that wasn’t initially ‘there’ but I believed that I had to find a reason for my experience which lead me to then create experiences in my world to ‘give it a name’ as a justification for that process of deliberately blinding me from looking at the world as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cloud my discomfort when getting a reward from my parents for ‘being a good student’ such as money or gifts wherein I would feel discomfort and it didn’t seem ‘right’ as I was doing it for myself, but I accepted the reward because ‘hey, it’s money, I can buy stuff with it’ and essentially within this giving-into the system of reward and ‘prices’ for ‘doing good in school,’ which I later on said it wasn’t necessary – but because I had accepted it as part of ‘parental love,’ I ended up using such reward to my convenience to get stuff that would make me ‘happy,’ and in this, accepting the motivation to do well, to take responsibility in separation of myself while accepting then the idea that I must always be rewarded, thanked for and appreciated for everything that I do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘wrong’ to take rewards from my father and feeling embarrassed about it, yet eventually ‘giving in’ to it because it seemed it ‘made others happy to do so,’ and in that complying to the parenting/ child belief system of reward and love as giving prices/ money that could ‘make me happy’ because I believed that their happiness depends on ‘my happiness.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my common sense to play a part of the reward/ manipulation masked as care/ love by parents/ teachers and within this any other reward-system existing in this world that begins at home, wherein we learn that we require something to motivate us which is ultimately in the form of money, as everything that is here that can be ‘given’ currently has a price tag attached to it, as the symbol of separation that we have accepted as a form of possession wherein ‘I’ have accepted and allowed myself to possess ‘something/ someone’ in the name of personal power, while neglecting the fact that nothing that is here I can actually possess, no one that is here can actually be Mine – though because of accepting this ‘idea’ of myself as an ‘owner’ and a ‘winner’ I became absolutely accustomed to the idea of buying stuff in means of caring for others, giving stuff in means of obtaining appreciation, giving something to someone while expecting a reward, which is me playing the game of this entire world that lives and thrives upon ownership and possession.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge other children for being ‘whiners’ and manipulating their parents to get stuff at the supermarket, while taking on the haughty position of being ‘above that’ and feeling good for ‘not playing that game,’ without realizing that I DID play that game in various other ways in my reality wherein I knew that accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my family and my environment, would lead me to get what I wanted because of thinking ‘I deserve this/ I earned this/ I should have access to that’ – and this, perpetuating my own ‘masked’ reward system wherein I learned how to use my ‘props’ and ‘points’ accumulated through time for being a ‘good student’ and a ‘good person’ that would lead me to eventually ‘have/ own what I want,’ because of thinking ‘hey, I’ve done ‘good’ I deserve my piece of the cake!’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a superiority position while being in this world because of ‘noticing’ the manipulation patterns within children and parents and judging them, without first looking at myself and How I was living the exact same point minus the tantrums but in a very specific and masked with ‘modesty’ type of manipulation wherein I would always say ‘It is not necessary for you to give me presents, I do this for myself,’ yet eventually opening my hand to get the money to buy whatever I already knew that I wanted to get, in this placing all integrity aside and giving into the money, the ‘power’ as the reward that I did know  could accept as everyone else did it, everyone else does it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge my classmates every time that they said: ‘Oh I wanna be like you and have your grades, let me hand my parents your notes/grades/record so that they can buy me whatever I want/ with your notes I would get whatever I would want from my parents/ I would make my parents happy with your record’ wherein I judged them as manipulators and cheaters and selfish and interested people, while disregarding the fact that deep inside I knew I would ‘modestly’ accept prices and rewards for my grades while placing a face and a cloak of ‘Oh it’s not necessary, I don’t require your money’ but in the end, accepting it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always place a nice face whenever I required money to buy something and speaking in a high pitch voice and move my face in a way wherein I knew that my father/ mother would not be able to ‘say no’ to buy me/ get me what I wanted, and in this playing out the same manipulation system wherein the bond of family/ love is used in order to ‘get what I want.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a life based on accumulating ‘good interest’ just like when you build a good profile in a banking system that enables you to get ‘all the credit you want,’ and in fact learning about this from what my father taught me about banking status/ profile wherein he would get all offers to get credit and he’d always refuse because of not wanting to get into debt, and in that I learned how I could have ‘the world at my feet’ by accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my world wherein I could use that credit as in obtaining rewards at any given moment because of having accumulated such ‘good profile’ throughout my life. This means that everything that I’ve done within my self-created belief of modesty and ‘integrity’ has Always had a point of self-interest behind, a monetary potential in the background as I knew that within keeping walking the steps of becoming a ‘good citizen’ and learn how to administrate my money, I could get to a higher position in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I was actually taught how to save money as a means of security and how Money played a big role from the very first moments that I would get money from my father with which I knew I could buy things that I wanted. I became so used to getting money on a weekly basis that I learned that this life was about buying stuff as a means of obtaining happiness and fulfilling myself with ‘buying.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep my savings in a zealous manner, as I knew that I was already ‘building my profile’ as being a ‘saver’ which meant something good within the world system where people that get the benefits are the ones that are able to obtain interests from capitalizing that money in the bank.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a ‘saver’ made me a ‘better person’ and not a ‘bad person’ such as the people that owed money to the banks –within this, believing that all the money that I owned was ‘clean’ and was ‘good money’ because it was earned/ worked for without ever ever questioning why some people had to borrow money to the bank, why was there not enough money for people regardless of them working for it or not – why was life denied to others and having to go through extreme financial troubles that would lead them to their own death, because of how the money system works.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only be confused about how the money system works as a child, not getting any proper explanation to why poverty exists and instead, only learning to focus on me, my savings, how to administrate my money and in that becoming a life-time administrator wherein money is always carried with me as a means of security, as a means of survival, as a means of protecting myself from ‘anything’ that I could require as I’ve learned that I can buy anything in this world with money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, develop a ‘good persona’ idea of myself wherein because of knowing that my family/ my father had ‘no debt’ I took on that position of feeling good about money because of believing that we were not ‘bad people’ that ‘owed’ to the bank because of not being proper administrators. Within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always automatically/ by default through what I learned judge anyone that owes to the bank/ that has debt because of considering this as a synonym of them being ‘bad people’ that somehow had corrupted themselves to not be able to get money, without ever actually investigating that MONEY in itself exists as DEBT as that inherent point of enslavement and separation that we have created in the name of power, of some having ‘more’ than others’ and some others having ‘less’ or no money at all, and in that neglecting the fact of the world system running in inequality, which I simply accepted as ‘how things are,’ because I was taught that ‘I should not worry about that, it’s not in my power to change it’ – hell no.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive experience within myself when I had accumulated money through saving within this ‘saver’ personality as building a ‘good reputation’ within the system, which became my way of functioning in the world as I knew that all the scores throughout my life in school as being a good student, my life within my family as ‘being a good daughter, ‘ my ‘good will’ within society as a ‘good and concerned citizen’ would lead me to a  position of comfort and financial stability in the future – apparently – because of having learned that one gets rewards for ‘being a good person’ and in that, accepting the fact that some others would inherently be damned to not have enough money to live, which I justified as them having been lazy/bad administrators/ corrupted people, which is how I ‘made sense’ of this world living in disparity, placing each person through my own judgmental values of what lead you to be ‘rich’ or ‘have enough money to live’ or ‘be poor/ starving’ wherein I thought that it was directly related to ‘who they had been’ in their world, neglecting the obvious facts wherein people are born into such positions which means that they had no say within their world in terms of money, as family/ context/ environmental predisposition as inherent conditions within each human being’s life was not seen by myself at the time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a persona of and as ‘modesty’ wherein I would take all the awards/ rewards and recognition only as an accumulation of ‘good score’ that I knew would get me anywhere I wanted in this reality, and in fact it did in terms of education and within that feeling ‘great’ for having known how to use the system  – yet being moral about it in terms of seeing it as a ‘goodness’ within me, wherein anyone else that could Not access to the same that I had access to, I deemed as less than/ stupid/ lazy/ irresponsible and within that, asserting that I was ‘on the right path’ to become that whichever I wanted to become, because ‘I had earned it/ I had become it honestly’ without seeing that money was the actual motivation for all of this lifetime of achievements that I kept as a score in such a proud silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link ‘good finances’ and ‘good administration’ to being a ‘good person’ wherein I took the role model of my father as a ‘good administrator’ which I see would lead me to ‘success’ without realizing that within this accepted form of manipulation/ use of the ways within the system, I accepted such ways as ‘okay’ to live by within this world, wherein I would then measure individuals and their financial situation linked to their personal-moral and ethics within this world, separating ‘good people’ as people that were financially stable and ‘bad people’ as people that had lots of debts and financial troubles that would reflect in their mental instability, personal crisis and diseases that would lead them to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever judge people that would ‘cheat’ in the system, without realizing that I was in fact being the perfected system of cheating/ manipulating and accepting the flawed ways to thrive in this world wherein one must comply with all the ‘good aspects’ that the system/ society is expecting me to be, wherein I could finally take the ‘position’ that I had ‘earned’ throughout my lifetime, within this not Living here as myself as breath, but only living to ‘get to that superior position,’ living to get to that ‘throne’ that I believed I had earned throughout my life with ‘hard work,’ without realizing how I was essentially preprogrammed to accept myself as ‘better than others’ and in that believing that I had some higher mission to have a position of power in this world – all delusions only in my head that lead me to create this constant belief that I was ‘better than others,’ and ‘more apt’ to do whatever I had to do than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘my reputation’ as the score-keeping that I’ve done throughout my life where numbers as scores, numbers as the reflection of the profile-building that I knew would get me a ‘reward’ someday, which implies that I have lived as a score-keeping system fulfilling targets to eventually be ‘free’ and ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ with having achieved a lifetime of ‘good reputation’ which always translated to money and obtaining/ attaining financial stability.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my preprogramming in ways that I knew I was only ensuring ‘my future/ my survival’ while neglecting the fact that I had to inevitably use this to benefit of all – and for a moment, get lost in the trap of attaining ‘power’ to get myself to the position that I wanted disregarding the fact that I could become the solution to this world, because of having given-up to the fact that I Can become the solution to this world and that it is not even a want/ desire to do so, but it is a point of Self-Responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately deny my abilities/ capabilities and choosing to diminish myself just because of seeing that I was becoming a ‘perfect system’ and that I was aiming at ‘getting all the power I could,’ which I judged as nasty later on in my life, judging myself for having had greedy thoughts and in that, going to the exact opposite of denying, neglecting all-things-money, all-news, all careers that I had initially sought to study in order to make of my ‘traits’ something useful within this world, and in that, going to the exact opposite which was seeking value within that which I judged as ‘non-valuable/ without a price’ such as how I deemed ‘art’ would be like. In this, my own cave was wrought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever pursued my own interest while growing, then going into blame, self judgment and into the exact opposite as denying that I had ever sought such positions of power/ recognition/ elitist status by becoming the ‘black sheep’ of the family that would deliberately seek the opposite of what I had learned I ‘wanted’ to be like/ live like in the future, in this not ever realizing and pondering that I was only sabotaging myself and my ability to position myself in this world in a place wherein I could actually make a difference to it, which I realize requires education on how the system works and getting myself into a position of where the cogwheels of the system are moved in order to create a substantial change in this world/ system.

 

I now finally realize the entire fucked up sabotage to my own abilities and capabilities because of judging money as good or bad, because of judging my inherent abilities as good for the system but ‘bad for my integrity’ wherein I later on ostracized myself from ‘all things systematic’, shutting myself from continuing my education within the realms of politics and social matter that I had initially been interested in, because of having deemed it as a ‘lost cause’ and believing that I was completely incapable of doing any difference to.

I realize that I sabotaged myself by going to the exact opposite such as deliberately diminishing/ playing aloof and being seemingly ‘unaware’ of the reality because of having found that ‘not caring about the world/ only caring about myself’ was apparently more ‘fulfilling’ and an easier way to live, than having lived as a concerned/ worried person about the world – which was then integrating the belief that ‘I must only care about myself’ as ‘who I am’ and in that, wasting my abilities and capabilities for some time/ the extent of time you take to study a career because of believing that I could only ‘make the best for myself’ and that this world was doomed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my personal interests as a way to justify my giving up on the world, my giving up on the abilities and capabilities I was fully aware I could conduct into a position that I could take on and make a difference, regardless of what everyone said about it, and instead going for the ‘easy way out’ apparently, without realizing that this would only lead me to a pointless-timeloop but probably absolutely necessary, now that I see it, because how else would I have had the time to become a real observer of the system without me trying to pursuit the same as everyone else, and now having had enough time to study how reality works, how this entire monetary system as our own reflection drives the world around and how I am perfectly capable of being in the system and creating a point of change by clearing/ and creating a complete new starting point to develop myself and my abilities to the utmost potential wherein Self-Interest and Selfishness is no longer the driving force for it, but Who I See/ Realize/ Understand is who I really am as life as all as one and equals –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my engagement with relationships that would support this ‘escapism of self responsibility’ as that would support my own ostracism and deliberate ignorance about the world system while resorting in entertainment that would only fulfill and satisfy this believed/ perceived ‘path out of the system’ wherein I allowed myself to judge the system, criticize everyone with ‘aspirations’ to succeed and taking on the exact opposite by ensuring that I would ‘never’ want to be in a position of power, because of believing that such power was real in the first place only because of money. Now I realize that if money is a belief system = power is a belief system that allows abuse – therefore I can be and become the point that utilizes all means I can in order to establish an equality in this world by me first allowing/ accepting myself as the ability to establish myself as the equal-power as an equal participant that I represent within this world and reality – no longer driven by the judgments that I have given to money/ power, but having a firm self-agreement to do this for all, as equals.

 

I see and realize that any point of judgment toward a position of power can exist if I am corrupting that power in my mind for self interest in the first place – this is the point to realize when and as I see myself judging a position of power/ myself going into a position of power in a hypothetical situation in this world, I see and realize that I can only judge it if I am embedding my ‘personal interest’ within it, and not regarding that such ‘power’ can only exist if All is equally considered in the equation, which obviously includes myself.

 

When and as I see myself judging the words ‘position of power’ when and as I hear them, I realize that I had lived a life of being conditioned to desire such power and then reject it because of the judgments I embedded onto it, not wanting to be in a ‘superior’ position by deliberately ‘lowering/ diminishing’ myself by self-judgment and in that, allow myself to only accept power as the realization of each breath that I have here in order to establish myself as the equal and one part that is able to conduct, direct and live by the principle of what’s best for all, regardless of the activity I am involved with at the moment, regardless of the ‘perceived’ position such activity entails, as I see and realize that positions of hierarchy only exist as a remains of the past that I am here to debunk, to deflate and to deconstruct to establish solutions and relationships of equality and oneness wherein no being can ever step on top of another through social acceptance of hierarchy and ‘power levels’ in this world.

This I commit myself to debunk, expose which is how ‘power’ has been a fucked up belief system wherein we have accepted and allowed ourselves to enslave each other to a more than/ less than position, sabotaging our inherent ability and capability that can be developed to establish what’s best for all in this reality as who we are, as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to make use of my abilities/ capabilities and accept myself as the path of self-perfection to ensure that all and everything that I do and accumulate is Not only for the best interest of myself, but the best interest for ALL as Equals – this is the point that changes the entire way that I as a human being has lived in this world, because I had not taken into consideration the whole as myself in the past – now I see, I realize and understand that I can use what I do, the potential I represent as an equal part/ participant of the necessary changes and processes that are required to implement and establish in this world to generate solutions and an entire point of change in this world that begins with myself, realizing how I can only have Self-Motivation as the realization of Equality as a world system that benefits all – which includes me, invariably – and in that, integrating my ‘Self-Interest’ as Previous personal interest into an actual Self-Equal and One Interest to create and manifest a world that is best for all.

I recognize that we have all been blinded to our fullest potential within structures based on fear and limitation that we can only deconstruct and reconstruct into equality if we ALL work together to take on our own lives through this deconstruction wherein I make sure that everything that I have ever been and accepted as a form of separation from the whole, is exposed, is self forgiven and corrected within the realization that this process is a collective effort to equalize life, to realize that whatever limitation another allows within themselves, it is and becomes my own limitation as well.

 

I recognize that I had been deliberately fooling around to not take the responsibility that I am fully aware I have only tampered with beliefs about myself that have deliberately maimed my abilities and capabilities, because I feared not being able to fulfill the task that I always saw I had to stand for, which is creating a world that is best for all.

 

I see and realize now that such conditions where imprinted within me as a child and that I became the perfect system to fulfill the tasks that would only benefit me within the system, disregarding that I in fact could expand and extend these achievements to a best for all outcome, which is what I here realize is what I am, what I am here to live by and establish – and that all are equally capable of doing this as well as it is not a matter of choice, but a matter of understanding who we really are and what must be done in order to establish ourselves as living-beings and stopping all survivalism in this world.

 

Self Responsibility can only be acknowledged within Self Honesty wherein what’s best for all is the only point that drives my day to day living, wherein choice doesn’t exist, it is a Self-Willed living action that I become.

 

I dedicate myself to develop my abilities and recognize my capability of becoming the point of my process as the key that I see and realize each one of us is able to be and become if our starting point is unified by a best for all principle and outcome.

 

I commit myself to not diminish myself within beliefs that I’ve kept as ‘That’s too much for me’ or ‘How am I possibly going to get there?’ without realizing that this is a physical process wherein the first point is removing all limitations and preconditions that I have accepted as ‘who I am’ and this is precisely the key point wherein the realization that I can create myself is established, with a foundation upon a living-principle as Life in Equality is the law of my being – by walking, living and aligning myself to this living-law, I am able to support life as myself, and life supports life therefore, I realize that by equalizing my potential to a best for all outcome, what I have already proven I am able and capable of being/ becoming is then expanded onto a best for all scenario, as I see and realize and understand that Life can only thrive in Equality – My life can only thrive in Equality, Existence can only thrive in Equality as Life.

Equal Money System

Desteni

Desteni I Process 

Desteni Forum to support yourself in establishing Self-Honesty as a Self-Willed living understanding of who you really are in this world.

 

 

This blog post emerged from reading the first blog listed in the blog support area, as well as the following interview that allowed me to realize for the first time what type of limitations I had lived/ accepted and allowed within my world and that I had not been able to ‘grasp’ until I listened to this and realized that I can in fact change the starting point of who I am within my abilities and capabilities and determine myself as an active participant that commits to live/ be the solution as a Self-Willed living being to Life.

 

Blog Support:

Day 18: Dementia – The Rotten Child Syndrome
Day 17: The Trap of Dementia, Part 1
Humanity Possessed: DAY 17

 

Interview Support:

A Must Watch documentary by Adam Curtis:

The Trap – 1 – F*k You Buddy


Looking at Art–what is going on up there?

I went to a museum yesterday. I was originally planning on looking only at Ron Mueck’s sculptures, but ended up spending more time looking at two photography exhibitions.  I decided to write about this even though in my mind there are thoughts of ‘Oh you’ve written about this topic several times already,’ but I certainly require to debunk and expose for myself the exact thoughts experienced when looking at photographs. This is then to expose another part of the personality that I created for myself as a ‘sensitive person’ to images that I have defined as ‘art’ and experiencing at times that ‘no one could feel what I could feel’ when looking at an image. This was more prominent in the past and it was also experienced when listening to particular music or reading particular books – in essence when consuming another’s expression.

The ‘Artist’ personality

The memory that comes up and that I probably didn’t expose for myself yet was when I went to see Gabriel Orozco’s major exhibit in the Palacio de Bellas Artes here in Mexico City. I had recently became aware of his work back then which created or I created a great ‘rift’ within me in terms of his photographs, which was another form of comparing the stuff I was just ‘playing around with’ at that time with photography and how he had ‘already done it.’ After watching the entire exhibit that day, I went to the toilet and cried in the bathroom – why? I don’t know it was like a sense of everything I wanted to do is already done so ‘what the hell am I up for?’ That was during my first year of art school. He became this elusive idea of what I wanted to be, really successful and really wanting the kind of recognition that would enable me to share with the world my views and perspectives on life as there’s always been a desire to share with others how I see the world.

I met the guy one day because he went to my school to record some TV program about him, I even approached him as the ‘fan’ that I was and told him how his work had inspired me – but in fact it was more like being able to relate to how he views the world. Then I gave him some of my old tin boxes filled with dried peels of litchis and I asked someone to take a picture of us. Funny but he is certainly like the Mexican art rockstar and I felt even ‘cooler’ because he studied in my school. It all became irrelevant afterwards though.
I see that the pattern that plays out after visiting an art exhibit,  has been an ‘underlying’ experience that I hadn’t been able to pin point for myself then – this is in my mind not wanting to admit that I am comparing ‘my work’ to others and wondering ‘why am I not there on those walls as well?’

Part of my desires within art – as I’ve previously exposed – were that of recognition and so what emerges is really that resonant aspect that I have attached to ‘art.’ This has played out in a constant polarity coming-and-going point because I am well aware of how I made the decision to not participate in that, yet still having such thoughts coming up which is part of the inherent programming I had attached to ‘marlen as the artist’ which is a tag that makes me revolt a bit when I read it, which is just part of the aspects that we expose for ourselves to be able to walk the correction into equalization.

So, through this process I decided to not ‘seek’ such fame anymore, I stopped any effort to seek for places to show my work and focused on walking my own process. I see there has been also this constant ‘projected blame’ on to my own decision to ‘walk/dedicate myself to process and Desteni’ and leaving all things art aside, merely going to school and do what I had to do without giving it any further input into it, which is certainly required if you ‘wanna be someone’ within the art world. Though this blame is certainly only at a thought level because I wouldn’t be able to be standing in front of a canvass for hours every day pretending to be doing something ‘there’ while being absolutely disconnected from the world I live in ‘here’ – which is how I used to be living my life as an artist. It’s cool to see how this is just a thought-based reaction without really taking into consideration what this would mean in reality such as ‘dedicating myself to art full-time’ in terms of creating art in the most traditional ways. We can certainly direct art to be whatever we want it to be in terms of being able to support ourselves. I tend to be an absolutist within my life which is something I have to balance out to give myself proper time for everything and not just renounce to ‘the world’ for the sake of ‘only’ doing something and that’s it.

Going to Museums

There has been a pattern that comes up when ‘visiting museums,’ there is a point that ‘drives’ me to it which I simply haven’t been able to realize ‘why’ I go – It can be to get some sort of ‘inspiration’ which I’ve been calling feedback and simply seeing what is being created in the institutionalized art world; the other one is for the creation of the experiences which I am still ‘seeking’ to get from going to see art – that’s one of the points I can see is something I am not fully admitting because of perceiving that is dishonest- though it’s even more so to keep it secret even for myself.

Back to the Museum point. These two particular photography exhibitions were of Mexican photographers from the first half of the past century and the pattern that emerges when watching some of them is: ‘they’ve done it all already’ or ‘I do similar stuff, why aren’t my pictures on museums?’ or ‘why am I not famous?’ ‘Why haven’t I sold any images yet?’ – well, by this I mean in an actual art market.

Back to the point to debunk here:  I am in front of the image and I think ‘I’ve done stuff like this’ – comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a mental judgment to an image I am viewing and immediately link it to ‘my work’ wherein comparison emerges as a way of being able to ‘equate’ what I do to that which is considered ‘art’ and is inserted in such sphere/ category of ‘importance,’ ‘value’ and ‘admiration’ that I have given and imprinted to images within the context of a museum as ‘consecrated art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder ‘why I am not there?’ which is a reaction that comes after comparing ‘what I do’ to what I see in museums and seeking my own benefit of  ‘being recognized/ admired’ through presenting photographs, just so that ‘I’ in the form of photographs could be looked at equal-to such artists which people have already placed in a pedestal, creating a sphere of respect and recognition around them, which is what I would aspire to get to as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within comparing ‘what I do’ to others is in fact seeking to make myself ‘worthy’ at my own eyes, worthy at the eyes of others and seeking a form of validation through ‘stuff’ that I do which I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a wallowing point while ‘admiring’ someone’s work because I consider that ‘it’s been done, what am I doing then?’ – in this existing as the desire to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ in terms of creating/ taking ‘unique’ pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘value’ and ‘worth’ to something that I can conceive as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within my own value-schemes which is nothing else but a make-believe system that supports no one, that is in fact not real and that cannot be of any support to who I really am as Life here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into memories of people ‘recognizing my work’ back in the day and experiencing it as a ‘consolation’ to my self created defeatism the moment I am staring in front of the photograph, in means of ‘uplifting myself’ when seeing myself ‘diminishing’ me according to this process of comparing ‘my work’ to others’ work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this possession around ‘what I do’ as ‘my work’ and within this creating an entire personality and alternate reality of myself based on ‘what I do’ being ‘my own’ as something that defines me, that values who I am and that gives me some type of ‘self-worth’ which is in fact a creation outside of myself.

I stand in front of a photograph I like for whatever reasons I could find in the moment – light, textures, contrasts, topic which I usually coming from a point where I can ‘relate’ to it –  and what I see is wanting to ‘possess’ the picture, be the owner of it, being able to say ‘I took this’ and be proud of it/ feel good about it. This is really funny when writing it out because we can see it’s all ego bs, but it’s how it exists at the moment, so best to expose it for what it is so that I become aware of what plays out in the back of my head while watching these photographs, masking it/ overshadowing the initial experience and thoughts with ‘amazement’ and ‘profound attention’ which is me just trying to eat the whole thing up and make it ‘my own.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘possess’ and want to ‘own’ that which I believe  is superior to myself, that which I see is ‘better than me’ in order to be able to ‘control’ it and feel ‘equally-cool’ to it within my self-created schemes of value/ worth that are only relevant to myself in my mind and have no direct reference to myself in this reality where a picture is just  a picture and I am just an observer of that picture – end of story.

The point of debunking this entire sentimentalism experienced when ‘looking at art’ has been a point I’ve worked with for quite some time now. I remember talking about being a visual vicious almost at the beginning of my process, which is what I have been deliberately stopping in the sense of making everything ‘more than it is’ within my mind – but I still take photographs and I still run into these thoughts and participate within them. I’m not as obsessed as before, but it’s still playing out whenever I am placing myself in a room where all you have to do is look at videos and photographs and sounds that may accompany them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of ‘despair’ whenever I am done looking at an image that I liked just because of me having wanted to be ‘the one’ that was there, hanging on a wall as a photograph. It’s all ego based certainly but there is also a desire to share and to ‘make others feel what I feel’ which is also personality-based and won’t ever be ‘real’ in terms of all experiences being but a mind creation.

In essence in terms of photographs is just presenting reality to another from a certain perspective, it shouldn’t be any different to anything else like reading, looking at our environment, watching TV or any other thing we do with our eyes = no added ‘value’ or ‘worth’ within that and just take reality for what it is – they can either be supportive or not, it’s not about comparing myself to each word/ image as words just like images and this world in its entirety is just here and we can only use them as tools to express and convey a message without trying to make of the message something ‘profound,’ or seeking to ‘touch the core of the being’ with it which is what I tried to do somehow in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to ‘what I do’ my own desire for recognition and desire to please others wherein I wanted people to experience what I was experiencing within me, I wanted to make others ‘see what I saw/ how I saw it’ for the sake of creating a sense of ‘relationship.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to ‘connect’ with others without realizing I haven’t even gotten to know myself completely which is the primary point of connection/ self-recognition that I actually sought for within beginning an art-career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to ‘connect’ with others without allowing me first to ‘connect with myself’ as the point of self-acceptance and self-revelation wherein I stop seeking others to ‘confirm’ who I am and give ‘value’ to it, but instead I walk the process to get to know myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘freedom’ through creating art in separation of myself instead of realizing that getting to know myself and creating myself is the actual freedom one can give oneself in this lifetime.

When it all began….

Memory pops up – when I began painting, I did a bunch of stuff and would keep it to myself. I created an ‘msn group’ to share them with some friends I had in the internet back then whose opinions ‘mattered’ to me in the sense of them being also into writing or music. I became then more ‘aware’ of the paintings having an impact on others, this is probably the moment where I started making of these drawings and paintings something ‘more’ because they started getting recognition and admiration from others. The moment that I showed it in ‘real life’ to my friends, they would also like it and appreciate it  the same way, which began creating a certain ‘fulfillment’ within me after I had only expressed myself in what I deemed the ‘cheapest way possible’ in a literal sense of what that implies. Yes money is also part of the limitations to create art obviously.

When watching some of the photographs at the museum  – besides the entire inner tantrum of ‘why aren’t my pictures here?/ why am I not recognized?’ there is this desire to want those people to see what I do and probably get equal recognition from them. This is probably why meeting such ‘artist’ I mentioned earlier and giving him the link to my blog seemed like something pertinent to do – lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be recognized by the people that I have deemed as ‘superior’/ ‘good’/ ‘masters’ in what they do so that I could have a ‘space’ next-to-them wherein I see and realize I have been keeping a sense of value and worth upon people wherein I become my own measuring point to ‘become like them,’ but from the ‘seeking fame/ recognition’ perspective to eventually ‘out do them.’

This is my own capitalist mind in the form of ‘innocent values’ attached to images and art creation – fascinating because as much as I could have criticized the exorbitant prices that art-pieces are sold for, I have been giving them just the same type of value and superiority according to my own schemes of what they are worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devaluing or not valuing myself which is the inferiority play out whenever I react and seek ‘recognition’ from what I perceive as ‘great artists’ and ‘great people’ which is another way of wanting to manipulate the world to suit my needs and desires of being recognized.

There is nothing wrong within taking someone as an example – yet the point is being aware of how to stand equal-to that instead of creating an entire comparison point wherein we try to either ‘equate’ ourselves to the person from the ego perspective, to eventually ‘out do’ them or actually supporting ourselves to become more effective in what we do, whatever the action/ doing is about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at art unconditionally from people that are ‘famous’ = recognized by the system, and instead accessing a projected valuing-system wherein I become the measuring point in relation to them wherein I am comparing myself to others’ creations and from there, assessing ‘how good/ bad I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go to museums and watch photographs not from the entire starting point of ‘self enjoyment’ and self-reflection, but as an actual measuring point in terms of ‘where I stand’ in comparison to them.

This brings up a memory of a point that I could identify myself with when watching the movie ‘Pollock’ who was btw the first painter that really got me into wanting to paint. He appears saying one of his ‘famous’ quotes: ‘Fuck Picasso! he’s done it all’ while being drunk as hell. That’s the same I could experience in that moment when reacting emotionally to seeing the work of artists and comparing myself to them.

Funny because I had deemed myself not as an ‘artist’ but as someone that paints, takes photographs, draws and makes some videos for the sake of enjoyment. But when it comes to relating to ‘other artists,’ the self definition comes up and what is existing then is this desire to be  ‘at the same height.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humbleness as a mask to cover up my own desires for recognition – no wonder polarity is such a fuck up really, both poles perpetuate one another.

When watching these photographs and video by Suter other points emerged – besides the ‘I’ve made a video just like that, I have a photo just like that’ points, the money aspect came up. I read all the institutions and sponsors of his work which gives me an idea of how he’s able to print photographs on gesso or use massive copper plates as the media for his photographs. He reminded me of another artist from Colombia which became part of another ‘downfall’ at that time in terms of discovering artists and being ‘profoundly  touched’ by their work- lol whatever that meant at that time which is something along the lines of becoming emotional, I would cry about these type of things like ‘being too sensitive’ for the world  and using photographs as a way to make others see what I saw, wanting to be ‘understood’ without realizing that only mind systems seek for recognition, seek to be understood and ultimately seek to be ‘special’ or ‘different to the rest of the people’ due to such ‘view’ on life.

All about the same personality traits.

So, I’ve opened up the point here which is a superiority/inferiority mechanism that is triggered when comparing myself to others that I deem as ‘good’ at something, this can be extended to virtually everything and it can only be ego based wherein I am judging myself, my expression and what I do and then projecting it in comparison to another’s expression and abilities, which is literally wanting to run a race against ‘air’ itself because it’s all based on mental schemes of what is of value and worth in relation to others. A reverend mindfuck indeed.

Coming back Here

This is something that I had written out last Saturday and left it ‘hanging’ for a while because of perceiving that I had opened up a ‘vast’ point and that it required a major re-cap to continue, which I realized now when I got myself ‘back to it’ that it was all a mind creation of it, just as everything else that I perceive is ‘too much’ and ends up being nothing else but a mere idea of it being ‘too much’ in my mind.

I went to another museum yesterday, this time being more aware of being driven by the general material that has been emerging around this particular exhibit which is what caught my attention. This time I got to see stuff that was challenging the current accepted concepts of identity, economy, society and the general names we’ve given to everything in this world, turning it all into something very obvious to see and become aware of once that you get a proper read of the work – which is something that I still doubt happens in its totality as a form of becoming an educational tool. I see this ‘flaw’ in these type of conceptual works, you require a certain reference and knowledge to be able to ‘get it’ otherwise it remains as an intellectual non-comprehensible joke.

At least this time this exhibition showed more of an overall reflection on the current system we’re living in which is something that must definitely be expanded as a general activity of us human beings living in this current context, starting questioning it to see how we have configured it this way.

This brings us back to the point of self-creation as being our own work of art wherein we redefine art to the actual creation of ourselves as Equals wherein non of this entire value-system mindfuck will be able to exist because it’s all been inherently linked to an entire star-system in the art world wherein only a ‘selected few’ get to be ‘on top of the world’ and getting all the money and recognition while the rest are left outside of the circuit in its entirety.

This entire system we’re living in is based on competition which is linked to the money system in all ways as well, therefore this will become an obsolete aspect once that we are able to live and express regardless of any specific ‘framework’ of reference such as the ‘art world,’ we’ll be able to create and live and use art as a point of self-reference instead of making of it an entire ‘entity’ of ‘our own’ that can be compared and valued when placed against others and go to the extent of ‘valuing’ ourselves according to how it is judged/ perceived by others. Individuality will not be a synonym of specialness, uniqueness as the usual connotations of value/ worth we’ve attached to it, but as an equal-existent expression within its own set of conditions that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ for all individuals, yet equally able to express and create as there will be no limit to this in the form of a savage monetary system that is currently nullifying the ability to express for many beings in this world.

Suggested read: the picture world and self expression
Transforming Art from Mind Occupation to Self Expression
 

Art should be...


Witnessing: You’re Equally Responsible

 

It’s easier to expect a ‘better life once you’re dead’ than taking the necessary actions to LIVE in this world through supporting/creating solutions that can enable Life on Earth for all as Equals.

People seek ‘peace of mind’ and ‘tranquility’ which are part of the teachings that ‘masters’ such as Buddha  left on this world: ‘you’re not your body, just relax and chill’

Following some feedback on the video that I talked about yesterday, I’ve been called out for having ‘no faith’, for being ‘negative’ and ‘soulless’ – I can say I have no faith, yes and I am definitely soulless as everyone else in this world now. This person also speaks about daydreaming people that are walking for the same ‘common outcome’ that I am speaking about there as Equality, a dignified living for all –

Though, the obvious question is: how on Earth could I create a world that’s best for all only by wishing, hoping, witnessing, admiring, ‘thinking positive’ and hopping on chanting songs around a bonfire? Okay, that’s quite a cliché I admit, though it’s certainly the type of ‘relax and just chill’ attitude that spiritualists/ light&lovers/ general daydreamers and fantasy people talk about. They will most likely have some type of spiritual-agenda behind their enlightened ideas of ‘do nothing, let it all just ‘be’, smoke of this and be at peace’.

 

Now, what this particular person claimed is that I’m speaking from ‘Reason’ while they pretend/claim to be speaking from ‘the soul’ as in considering all the fuzzy feelings and emotions that make the infamous human, a ‘human’.  It’s obvious that this is not about reason or not, but words and sentences that can simply describe the actuality of this reality and the actual physical points that require to be taken into consideration if one is actually willing to/ interested in creating a world wherein Life is actually existent for all in/as Equality.

 

I’ve also just now read another comment pointing out how such human nature is existent at a genetic level and can’t be changed. Welly-well we’ve got a situation here, we got people justifying the current ways we’re living in because of our DNA and genetic predisposition, without even daring to question such programming, let’s not even say ‘daring to challenge it and change it’ because according to this person’s reasoning, it would be most likely impossible to do such a thing.

 

With these two examples on accepting spirituality/daydreaming/wishing and hoping as ‘means of change’ in this world and accepting the ‘human nature’ as immovable/ unchangeable  we can have a clear perspective on how it is through

 

Buddha was the ultimate ‘witness’ of this world and left this idea that bliss was created through detaching from everything of this world as yourself –

 

Just one quality of the Buddha has to be remembered. He consists only of one quality, witnessing. This small word witnessing contains the whole of spirituality. Witness that you are not the body. Witness that you are not the mind. Witness that you are only a witness. As the witnessing deepens, you start becoming drunk with the divine. That is what is called ecstasy.
– Osho

By passing this as ‘truth’ as usually accepted and venerated by people that follow the so-called ‘masters’, we then have a greater view on what people that have posted such comments/perspectives can be considering as part of their ‘views on the world’: be a witness, you’re only passing the Earth by, go sit down a tree and let go of the world, be at ease, chill out.

[No wonder such Buddha bar cd’s are made for getting drunk and literally chilling out while pretending everything is fine in this world… ]

 

“Becoming drunk with the divine!” Isn’t that what we’ve all done while being immersed in our thoughts and being self absorbed not considering at all the reality as this world that we live in and how ‘god’s master plan’ was to simply keep us entertained with things like ‘our thoughts’/feelings/emotions’ and spirituality to cultivate such bullshit as a way to simply not take an actual look at this world and question the current establishment/functionality and inner-workings of this entire reality – now who’s been duped here?

 

Osho/Buddha and most likely any other ‘master’ talk about following an experience – this is obviously what people that commented also defend: human nature/ humanity as an experience that seeks to be perpetuated without having to actually take on the necessary steps to do so.  By focusing on the ‘invisible side’ tagged as ‘spirituality’, all atrocities, the matter-dystopia in which we are currently living in is then ‘accepted as it is’, is ‘only witnessed’ not to be questioned or bothered by – what a load of crap we have indulged in as humanity. Having people till this day claiming that these characters were ‘enlightened’ and ‘all knowing’ is simply proof of how deluded we are/ have been.

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In contrast or the pole-effect of such ‘blissful’ characters usually praised and hailed by white-robbed people, we have characters of this same reality such as Hitler.

When reading and watching Hitler’s series through the Interdimensional  portal within  the Desteni material, it all made sense and became clear on how Forgiveness is the key. Though an initial barrier of fears and brainwashing had to be stopped to do so and the realization also was: if Hitler has forgiven himself then everyone/everything can.

Such ‘barrier’ is the extensive brainwashing we’ve all been subject to through our “education” that is proposed by those that keep the entire system in place.

Ironically, Hitler’s being the point used as bait for banning purposes upon the Desteni message – that says it all in relation to humans being easily brainwashed and holding grudges as ideas/beliefs according to the history that’s being told without even daring to see the current holocaust that we’re creating through several means towards all life. This is also linked to that ever-convenient attitude of only ‘being a witness’ and not actually daring to face the consequences of this world and create a change that will stop the abuse towards life/ourselves and ensure that we create and place a world that’s best for all for all time to come.

Opposing self forgiveness is in fact denying life and our ability to create a second-chance for all to live within this world. By saying we ‘can’t change our nature, we’re opposing Self Forgiveness, by saying that ‘we must allow it all to be’ we are opposing self forgiveness as it can only result in inaction and negligence towards Self Responsibility as actually taking care of the current problems we’ve created within this world beginning with ourselves.

 

We require as humanity to STOP seeking out a ‘blissful experience’ by all means, to stop seeking a ‘peace of mind’ because it’s obvious that it’d be like wanting to keep yourself in a clean bubble while the outside is filled with dirt and scum.

We’re all in this together now and we’ve got to open eyes to see that this is Not about ‘negativity’ but realism – this is not about being ‘soulless’ but having the entire understanding of how we had been conditioned by such soul/preprogrammed lives of endless cycles wherein we’ve disregarded ourselves as the perpetrators of the current abuse of life wherein people such as Hitler have been satanized forevermore, without even daring to question how people are nowadays waging wars for decades and are not being equally regarded as criminals and placed under the same scrutiny that has been inflicted upon others.

 

All of this malarkey has a single solution: Self Forgiveness because the madness of this world can be stopped from continuing and being perpetrated within each one of us.

We can only be held back by memory – if there is no memory but actual allowance of Self-Forgiveness to start clear from the moment on, we can create a new world based on a constant self-forgiveness application until Equality and Oneness is Here as a reality in this world.

This sounds nice – though to create it, will take you and I and many +1’s  more to do so, so let’s do it – this means, we’ve got to stop being all sorts of ‘witnesses’ that can be completely aware of how this works yet do nothing about it and instead, become the change that we have to create in this world.


Wording myself to Worth

Breaking through my own religion –that is the ‘Marlen’ religion – was the expansion that I required for the sake of realizing that I didn’t have to be bound to a single idea that I had built of myself around others – once that fear of ‘getting out of my parameters’ is gone, one can simply express and live and BE for the very first fucking time without projecting on to ‘how others are seeing me’

 

This I can link to self-acceptance. I had a hard time trying to fit to that which I knew was considered acceptable by others – therefore I played out the opposite because I knew that the ‘pretty’ was also fake so, became that polarity point which was also image based, pretending to not care yet I did, extensively – and within that I justified myself and considered that I didn’t want to create myself as the perfect picture that others want me to be. See how it was always ‘others see me/ others want me to be’ and within that, I enslaved myself to these ideas of who I am, who I must be, what I must look like for such person to like me – all about being accepted by outside points instead of having ever looked at myself as Self-Acceptance.

 

This is  a point that I walked and faced extensively at the farm. Physically walking through the point of realizing the constant self judgment in relation to my physical body, finally opening up the point to make it inevitably obvious and thus start embracing myself. That’s been like a constant throughout my life and it was also pretty much based on the pictures we see in our world, how we basically get bombarded to be a certain way to be ‘the coolest looking people on Earth’ – within this, because of belittling myself, not being ‘good enough’ and even considering my design to be extremely fucked up, I allowed myself to simply seek for acceptance from another within relationships and within that, basically enslaving myself to that point of acceptance outside of myself. I couldn’t bare the idea of being left out of the game, I got to see how I’d be petrified by these ideas – this is the ‘true nature’ an obsessive,  possessive being that could not stand on her own two feet without being defined by another in a relationship of any kind.

 

The point of self acceptance came in various ways and I realized that I could not possibly be ‘supporting myself’ for real if I didn’t have this point in place. Within this, I got great support from resonances to see how I hadn’t allowed myself to recognize and worth myself by what I’ve actually been and done and accepting that self-respect that is actually able to be embraced once we stop wanting to be this ‘ideal’ that we have of ourselves, once we stop ourselves from merely seeking recognition and validation from outside sources and start accepting ourselves for ourselves. Only minds require external validation to continue existing – this is how we go through that withdrawal of getting that constant ego-feed by others to validate our existence which is how we get to be literally addicted to each other, just because we haven’t allowed ourselves to be with ourselves, to accept and care for ourselves alone.

 

Once this point of accepting ourselves is in place, then standing with another or not becomes more of an extra point of support than a constant need, yearning, desire or requirement. The first relationship must be with ourselves – I’ve certainly experienced that ability to stand alone and it’s been quite cool yet, also have to realize that no man’s an island and we cannot remain in our comfort zone alone.

 

So the starting point for any relationship won’t be that of wanting or seeking validation, but actually supporting myself to walk with another in facing the points that are still existent within me yet not seeing them because of not having such buttons being pushed – I breathe and realize that I may still be reluctant to this point though, as long as I hold on to an ideal, I’ll never be satisfied with myself – so self acceptance is the first point to then stand one and equal as ourselves first, like integrating ourselves back to ourselves which is something that no one will do for ourselves, we’ve got to actually for the very first time start appreciating and caring ourselves for ourselves – only then can we see what we’ve missed all this time by going looking for validation and recognition outside of ourselves and within that, simply getting locked into relationships wherein only validation and worth is sought through another without ever realizing it was me first accepting and caring for myself for what I am because this is who we are, this is who we walk as in this world.

 

Self Acceptance didn’t come overnight and still any other day that the point comes up or I’m confronted with it, I have to continue applying myself, bringing myself back here to common sense and not go into the back-past usual patterns of wanting recognition, seeking validation from others because I hadn’t allowed myself to accept myself in the first place.

 

It’s very cool to see how this is a process that I’ve walked and that I’m certainly stable within, it comes up at times of course but I am able to redirect myself and not allow myself to go into it that much re-creating the past experiences of ‘longing’ for another mind system to value me – I’m here and I’m the only one that can fully care for myself hence the importance of establishing ourselves as our starting point, of doing it all for ourselves – the moment we do it for something/ someone separate from ourselves we’ll eventually have to face the point and let go of it because it’s not real anyways.

 

What’s real is here as ourselves, as the truth of ourselves and within that, there is no way we can depend on anything to validate our existence – we simply have to realize ourselves as what’s here and thus first begin by supporting ourselves and from there, we can only continue working through the rest of the points in this reality –See, I realize that this is not a cool world we’re living in, nor am I trying to be optimistic about it – yet, we’re not going anyway and what I’ve realized is we can’t simply continue existing in such self hatred, self-rejection and self sabotage that only contributes to the current fuckedupness in this world. Like I would be very depressed about this world before yet never realized that by me being the embodiment of that as myself I was actually contributing to such mind-state that’s so common in the world.

 

When I allowed myself to stop participating in it, I saw how it’s much cooler to start actually exploring our expression, to let go of our patterns and get to live – to be with others as an expansion of ourselves, not wanting or needing or requiring anything, but simply expressing and sharing within walking a process of realizing: we are here as Equals and we can actually get to accept and care for ourselves if we actually allow us to do so.

 

Misery loves company – so I no longer seek such type of company – I can only be grateful with myself and anyone that has allowed me to see that I require to be my starting point, that I’ve gotta do this for myself because no one else will, that I have to create this care that I never even considered I didn’t have towards myself – we’ve missed ourselves our entire lives, we’ve missed that ability to live and so we’re here because we have a chance, we simply have to do it, to actually stop acting from the program and get ourselves moving.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself, for believing that I’m not ‘good enough’, that I’m not ‘worthy’ enough and within this I realize that I can only worth myself as life according to that which I practically live and apply as myself to actually stand as that life-worth that I am as what’s here as that which I’ve tampered though thoughts of belittling and self-deprecation.

I accept and care for myself as the realization of who I am as life

 I see and realize that there is no other ‘value’ that I can give to myself but I can only worth myself as life through practically living a life that is  worth-while living in, that which I can see is best for myself and best for all as Equals as I realize how we’ve enslaved each other within seeking for validation, recognition within the ideas of ourselves instead of simply accepting ourselves as equals to then start exploring what self expression can be.

I work and walk through the past as the patterns I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as yet I make sure I stop defining myself as them because I see and realize that they only stood for the limitation that I believed myself to be.

I no longer require to be validated by anyone as I realize that I can only exist as life, as the worth that we’re all one and equal as – I no longer allow myself to compare or think of myself as ‘inherently flawed’ but instead work through strengthening my resolve to stand and stop the recurring patterns as I continue walking breathing, facing myself and making sure I don’t become the engine that runs the self-deprecation pattern ever again.

This is an ongoing process, and here we walk.


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