Tag Archives: suppression

631. Notes on Compromise

 

Compromise:     the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Living compromise in my case has been existent mostly in the consideration of the relationships that I allowed myself to form in the past. Within the starting point of taking it back to self – and so not focusing on the others related to me this way – I realized how this allowance of something ‘less’ than what I could actually create for me and for the best have to do with a sense of self-deprecation and even ‘worthlessness’ that existed in me, wherein any form of relationships would reflect back what I was accepting and allowing with me. So they all were there in my life in accordance to ‘where I was’ in my life and as such, there is nothing to regret about because I’ve come to understand the process that I took in order to realize what I am seeing now.

We had a group chat on Friday where the point of pleasing people opened up. I couldn’t relate at first to pleasing per se, but I did recognize it in relation to how I would do things, shape myself in accordance to what I thought was more liked by others within a relationship. There were a few wherein I didn’t do it, but then compromise would show in other ways such as deciding to be with people that I thought I could eventually change and assist them in getting to some kind of ‘ideal’ expression or living potential – it never happened because of course, my starting point was focused on ‘them’ and not on being the best for myself, of doing and being those aspects I was seeking to change in others – it is common sense that if you are living the best of you, by default you won’t allow anything less than what you are living in terms of choosing who to share your life with.

I am focusing here on relationships because it is that one point we total choose to be in – well, at least it’s how it goes in most part of the world. So here I’m not talking about the necessary compromise that exists in other aspects of life like jobs and ways to make money to survive in this world, it’s merely about how we relate to others in relationships.

The reality is that when one starts living more of one’s truth, everything that doesn’t ‘fit the compromise shoe’ starts sticking out like a rotten fruit that needs to go – or rots the rest of the fruit. It becomes uncomfortable not because it represents a healthy challenge or an out of the comfort zone point of support, but because one realizes it is becoming a suppressing situation, one where there’s more of a ‘relationship management,’ going on, there’s more ‘lacks’ emerging, ‘longings’ and ‘ideas of how things can be’ and more things that ‘subtly bother me but I let it go by because, who knows? Maybe it changes later!’ or those moments where there’s this ‘slight’ seemingly subtle ‘sinking’ whenever one knows that one is not living one’s full expression in order to fit some kind of shoe we believe we ‘must be in’ to be liked or be okay with someone else in a relationship. Or even to ‘be in a relationship’ in itself, while it’s actually totally fine and ok if one genuinely decides to be alone and step out of the belief that ‘one needs to be in a relationship.’

Sometimes this pattern of conditioning and compromise goes well accepted in our society, simply because we believe we ‘can’t do any better’ or we just have to ‘suck the pain in’ and hope for better times. It has been baffling to me to get to know stories of how far women – and yes also males but mostly females in fact – stay in abusive relationships because of believing that they ‘love’ the other person or that without a man they are nothing, or for financial reasons and many kids in line, they have to stick to relationships that are very toxic. I haven’t been in such extreme situations, but I have been in relationships where I know that I am not living the totality of myself, that I am somehow trying to fit a shoe that doesn’t support me in fact – yet I still have put it on while secretly questioning my decision, and being in constant over analyzing of the situation and desiring for certain changes that I then go into hope and expectancy that ‘the other’ person eventually gets to in their lives and so consequently, in the relationship.

 

How I see it currently is that the creation of a relationship that is supportive comes along with ‘where we currently are’ within our lives, comes along with the kind of principles – or lack thereof – we are living in our lives. In essence, the ‘who we are’ is then going to reflect the kind of people we choose to be with. Many of us have gone into relationships out of need, out of wanting to ‘fulfill’ some aspect or some ‘existential void’ with a relationship and that is simply  meant to fail, because one is not entering a relationship as a fulfilled being, but seeking the comfort and dare I say ‘fulfillment’ in another. Well, I’ve been there myself a few times in the past and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There have been other times where I believed I was quite fulfilled within me and didn’t need to be with someone to represent that ‘fulfillment’ for me, but I still allowed myself to be in situations where something inside me knew things could be better, and not in the sense of ‘without conflict at all’ or being ‘better’ in an idealized way, but more in the sense that there is this untapped potential within me that I could in fact develop with someone that could be ‘ready’ for that. So, this is where the point of letting go of compromise comes as an understanding really. It is not about dismissing situations for seeing them as ‘less than’ but perhaps as being in different stages in life where personal development can be either diminished and suppressed or catalyzed in certain relationships or living decisions.

This is also where it enables me to see that if I live what’s best for me, it in fact becomes best for all. I’ve seen how in accepting and allowing compromise in me, it invariably affects the other person and everyone else that could be affected by it, because I’m not living my truth, the potential of who I can be and that becomes a series of diminishing steps that don’t support life in fact.

In terms of relationships, it’s about wanting the best for everyone involved. If a relationship is clearly not supporting someone, if it becomes something that is more about ‘managing’ one or the other, or about seeing ‘what the emotional experience is in the other’ or fearing certain attitudes in one another, or being over-vigilant about what the other one might be thinking, or how things are not working, or how things don’t seem right, or how I ‘should be in order to keep him/her happy’ then what do we know? We are compromising ourselves, we are not living our truth. It’s also about self-honesty and asking these questions not within the starting point of leaving ‘all the work’ to the other, but being honest about doing what it takes to make something work as with everything else.

I can say I have had compromised in every single relationship in the past. I have only now discovered and come to understand what it is to actually live me, be me with all my ups and downs, my qualities and my defects and not have anything to hide towards another, because that’s how I live my truth and now I know there’s people that’s up for taking that in, yes, that ‘intensity’ that I can be in my openness and not having any qualms about things, and how demanding I can also get to be – which yes I know I need to work on, but still, cool to know someone can understand such demanding nature as well. I enjoy the support that I can get from another that has a similar personal stance with his own life so that we don’t take bs from each other lol, it makes things fun and supportive in fact, because we don’t take things so seriously yet we point them out, because we know that our willingness to transcend the momentary bs is far greater than remaining ‘stuck’ in it or in an ‘experience.’

But I realize that as ‘easy’ as it might sound, it isn’t. It’s not like I got lucky only. Everything was a series of decisions that I took to get to where I am within myself to then decide to be with someone that supports the best in me, because this implies I am first doing and being and living that best for me. And also, it is not ‘honey over chips’ in a relationship where no compromise exists in such terms – of course there IS compromise, but it’s things that simply come with the living together of two individuals and what one is willing to live with – but to me the aspects that are relevant in relation to personal integrity, living habits and expression, are a supportive platform for me to live on currently.

It is only now that I can look back and see to what extent I ‘went’ to be liked, appreciated, to ‘fit in’ according to what I believe would make the relationship work, what I was willing to do in order to ‘make things work’ etc. The list goes on and the details are not even relevant because it is about the action, this ‘lesser of me’ being accepted where I know I ‘chip off’ a bit of myself and in that, it becomes a point of compromise.

Who knows if I am speaking from a place where I can still be living compromise and not be aware of it? But as I said before, I will eventually know as I continue deconstructing this personality system within me and continue focusing on self-development and self-creation. For now this is my current stance and I found it relevant to share about it because perhaps someone is going through similar experiences, having thoughts like ‘this is as as good as it gets’ when it comes to relationships, but I am now aware that you can indeed be with someone that is there ‘walking with’ side by side with you, instead of feeling like one or the other has to ‘drag’ the other to get to the top of the mountain. I did that in the past, but can’t also judge me for my choices because as I said, they reflect who I was at the time and that’s how I can now simply look back and forgive myself for it, because I know it is entirely ‘who I was’ in relation to ‘relationships’ at the time.

For now, I see that there is a foundation built for me to be the best of myself and a relationship can’t be ‘it’ for anyone. It is a companionship, but the rest is entirely up to me. Before I would take the relationship in itself as ‘the project’ to focus on, and it doesn’t have to be that way, that I don’t have to accept compromise, to have that ‘sinking’ feeling when being with someone, to fear losing someone, to fear not ‘being the best’ with another or to be in all kinds of fears and paranoia of ‘where they are at’ in their minds and lives, or expecting others to change. It then becomes another burden or ‘point to work through’ rather than being a platform of self-support and self-development.  It becomes much easier to be with someone that has a similar standing in life, because then the focus is on the mutual support to learn from each other, live and grow – not on managing ever present emotions or subtle experiences and frictions… Now I see how it feels to be living in compromise, and perhaps one can only realize one is living compromise when you step out of it and look back to realize how such compromise existed. At the same time I’m learning to focus on the present, on what’s here, on what I can be grateful for creating for me in my life and choosing essentially that which is supportive for my being.

It is ok to realize that not everyone can simply ‘bond’ with someone else based on preferences or similar mindset. Now I realize that perhaps it is the seemingly opposite worlds that complement themselves the most, because it’s not about having similar preferences, but principles, not similar personalities but similar disposition to learn and change in order to make something work like it is within a relationship. It is another kind of compromise, with ‘concessions’ where acceptances and allowances are made on both sides, in aspects that do not affect the main principles in which a relationship is built on, but adjustments that are meant to be there based on living with another person and embracing them as part of your life.

It takes two to tango, can’t expect things to work if only one is having the disposition… or perhaps it can, it really depends on what each person is willing to live with – accept and allow – I now know what is possible and what I see works best for me. This is what self honesty is, this is where I can’t make rules of this, because this is my current truth and stance – who knows? It can change in time, but for now I check within me and I’m clear, I have nothing holding me back in relation to the place where I’m at in terms of my life within a relationship – it’s the other way around for me at the moment, learning a lot each other, it is as if I at last I have the opportunity to be supported by another in a genuine way, instead of placing me on the supporter role only. Perhaps this is also a perception, but! I also have to be less apologetic in the sense of not wanting to sound ‘too dismissive’ – it is what it is really – and if it is best for me and others, I am sure this is what we all want for each other person, to be able to live their truth and be the best they can be no matter how or with whom. So this is also a cool note about compromise, where we believe that we are doing something ‘good’ for another by sticking with them even if that implies not being the best for ourselves…. Wrong… that invariably leads to their compromise as well one way or another, so best for all means, not accepting any lesser that what is possible for each one at any given moment in life.

 

There are a bunch of other things where I know I am compromising myself as in not living the best of myself and that’s where instead of focusing on ‘the lack’ I will be focusing on how to create, otherwise it again becomes a point to ‘fulfill’ through something/someone in separation of me.

 

Ok thanks for reading Sonrisa 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

 

 


523. I Don’t Want To Bother Others

I’ll share some extra perspectives on a cool topic that Cerise and Joe opened up in this video ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ about this pattern or habit some of us have in terms of going into a personality of ‘not wanting to bother others’ or ‘take their time’ when we are facing something that would use a cross-reference or support in order to have a second pair of eyes or ears to hear about our situation and considered ways to create solutions.

In my case this has opened up more so in terms of not wanting to ‘take other people’s time’ and then believing that I’m not really worth their time and I should not even bother to ask for help or ask for a time to talk or anything like that, which I have been working on because I was specifically doing that for a long time in my life where I became sort of a ‘mother’ to my friends,  always ‘there’ for others, always being their ‘kleenex’ to cry on or their punching bag at times as well – figuratively speaking – and me believing that I had to always ‘be there’ for them – but when it came to me even daring to open up my own experiences and share myself, I rarely did because I perceived that ‘they didn’t want to hear it’ and so I would go into suppression, which means not talking, not opening up my experience, not wanting to share because of going into a pattern of ‘what’s the point, they don’t care, they won’t listen.’

This became quite a mess because then one becomes other people’s ‘canes’ to walk as I have described before as well, and it’s a very compromising situation where one believes one has to be ‘the strong person’ that is always there for others, as if we didn’t need others to be there for us in an equal manner from time to time.

So, lately I’ve been looking at the kind of outcomes I created in my life based on decisions and choices I made that I took ‘pride’ on for having done them entirely by myself, not cross referencing to anyone at all and kind of just ‘going for it’. At the same time it became a learning experience as well,  I can only learn of not having been honest with myself in demanding myself some clarity about the whole ‘plan’ and being willing to see what kind of emotional experiences or situation I was at the time and how in this belief that ‘I should not bother others with my situation’ or ‘I should not even bother to make a call’ or ‘I should not take their time, I can handle it myself’, it is in fact a point of ego that is unfortunately a common thing for me to do, instead of being aware of the support that I can reach out based on the same principles that I apply and extend to others coming from me at the same time.

But, what did I do instead of ‘reaching out’? I went into my ego and even if I was very much ‘in need’ of a second perspective about my decisions and choices, I didn’t do any of that and went on my own with it all, resulting in a point of creation that could not stand the test of time because the starting point of it was flawed in terms of ‘who I was’ at the time.

I had to then face my own point of creation and its outcome, where I had to see that who I had become at the time was more of a ‘victim’ of a particular experience, such as feeling abandoned or loneliness or ‘not worthy’ of other’s time and in doing this, I spent quite some time without really opening up what I was going through to anyone, which resulted in me making decisions based on this experience of being able to ‘do things on my own’ which looking back, could have prevented some consequences if I had cross reference or opened them up at least with another person that I am aware I can trust in their judgment.

So now that it has happened, I can only learn from it and prevent myself going into thinking that ‘I can do this on my own, I can decide by myself, I don’t need to bother others, I don’t need others to reference this’. The outcome is that I ended up in a way spiting myself, because I am the one that had to walk through and live with my creation and be there ‘all the way’ in it, even though I knew that I could have probably done things differently if I had opened up to others and cross-reference my situation, my starting point simply to remind myself of my self-honesty.

See this is where the network of people that are walking this same process at Desteni becomes so relevant as well, where there’s a set of buddies that are there to support back those that are also applying the same tools and process. And this way one knows that another person or your ‘buddy’ will be there as a cross reference of one’s self-honesty, it’s really that simple, it is not like anyone else can make decisions for you or tell you what to do, but through the basic ability of sharing and opening up an experience or a phase one is walking through in one’s life, and getting some basic points of cross-reference from another to be a guideline into self-honesty, common sense and self-responsibility can make a huge difference in our lives, and that’s also what the Desteni Process is about, because it’s not easy at times to see one’s own ‘flaws’ or ‘points’ to look at, and that’s why the support in it all is so relevant and invaluable.

However, if one has such support but still doesn’t reach out or open up to really lay out what one is going through, then the consequences ultimately are our own to take and walk through.

In the video that Cerise and Joe share they explain how this ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ experience is more of an addictive experience in fact, where one stands in self-victimization, self-pity as a way to not have to take self-responsibility. And that’s why for example in this process and the buddying system, it can be something one tends to resist to do, because one is already very caught up in the mind and resist reaching out and explaining the situation because it would mean one thing: we will actually be reminded of our own responsibility, our own creation to take care of and simply be reminded of our ability to see how we created the whole thing from start to finish and take responsibility for it – either to prevent it or to walk through it if it’s already done.

At the same time, reaching out also means stepping out of self-victimization, self-pity and all of the emotional turmoil that this experience of ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ comes with – all of it being a pattern playing out in an attempt to hide from one’s self-honesty and self-responsibility. However I have proven that it’s not others that we don’t really want to bother, but we simply resist having to get real with ourselves and change, that’s the bottom line.

Another aspect explained in the video and that I agree with is more of an implicit experience in this pattern of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ to others, is how we disempower ourselves by judging ourselves as not good enough to ‘ask for support’ or fearing ‘wasting others’ time’ or ‘being a burden’ to others – and this is precisely something that I have done and experienced, which yes, implies that one is existing in a point of inferiority in relation to ‘not being worthy’ of being supported or being heard by others or reaching out for help when one has already exhausted all possible ways to support oneself.

So here in my case it was a fine line between not wanting to ‘depend on others’ and ‘reaching out – which has been cool in the sense that I have for the most part focused on getting to the ‘bottom’ of my experiences and stand up from it myself, but the reality is that referencing with others such processes and outcomes/results and decisions can be supportive to confirm and reassure our common sense and self-honesty.

Therefore I do say that this is not about turning this pattern of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ to being all the time asking for help – not about that, but about reaching out and sharing, cross referencing as one goes standing up for oneself, working through the experiences using all the tools we have at our reach like writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self corrective statements and practically living them out as living words that we can then work with and play out in reality, cross referencing with others what works, what we’ve done to assist ourselves, what we are still struggling with even after walking all of these points – and that’s where the communication with others also becomes more resourceful and expansive, rather than becoming dependent on a particular person or point of support in order to always be ‘sorted out’ as well.

Therefore what I see is the key within this all is to be self-honest with ourselves, to be willing to admit where we are going into an experience of ‘not wanting to be a bother’ yet at the same time being in an emotional turmoil where one has tried many things and ways and still not getting ‘through it’ – that’s where it’s definitely needed to reach out because there might be something that one cannot ‘see’ alone, but with the perspective of others one can get some clarity on the way forward in changing oneself in a particular pattern or situation based on our creation, which means that yes, one has to be also willing to see things as they are, in our truth because that’s what this is all about.

Sometimes seeing our truth might feel overwhelming, despicable, ugly, difficult to accept or be simply horrified by it, but these are all judgments that we can also learn to self-forgive and remind ourselves that we can always decide to forgive what we’ve become and instead focus on changing all of those aspects that we fear realizing or seeing about ourselves. No one else can do this for us and that’s a key point here as well where one is in an experience of self-pity about walking through manifested consequences and then go into an experience of ‘I don’t want to bother’ = that’s where it becomes a defense mechanism of the mind to continue wallowing in depression, in excuses, reasons and justifications as to why one cannot stand up and so, it becomes a way to justify ‘why we are not changing’ which is not valid because it’s self-manipulation all the way, where we believe we are seeking some kind of sympathy from ‘others’ but in the end, we are the ones that live with ourselves in such experiences and with the outcomes of the decisions we make or changes we step into in our lives within such experiences – which means, if we are not clear and we don’t reference our decisions even though we know it could use another pair of eyes or ears to see or listen, then that’s ultimately up to us to again, own our creation and learn from it, see what one could have done differently and so prevent doing the same next time.

In my case it’s more of a point of letting go of a belief that ‘I know what I am doing’ or ‘It’s my life’ but those are definitely key words whenever they come up and so stop myself in that moment to rather deliberately look to cross-reference my proposed solution to a certain situation. That way, I also become more humble in my approach towards life in general, where I accept the fact that I don’t always ‘know’ what to do and that it’s a wise thing to ask and cross-reference, this way one also learns to consider other perspectives and it’s a way to expand one’s own array of possible solutions, so it’s a win-win situation considering the fine point of equilibrium: not to become dependent on others to ‘sort things out for us,’ and not go into an ego superiority position of ‘I can do this on my own, I need no one for it’ – but rather being humble to learn, take other perspectives into consideration and from there realize that yes, even if we get to reference with others, it is us that will ultimately have to live with our decisions and ways to sort things out, whether we take others’ perspectives into account or not, which is great as well! Always self-responsibility

Thanks for reading

 

Writing my woes out

 

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496. Humming as a Suppression

Or how I’ve used humming/singing to myself as a way to not look at things that caused a moment of conflict in me

I’ve noticed how there are very subtle ways of suppression, which are like ways in which I ‘swipe’ a thought, a glimpse, a memory of something that comes up when I am doing something completely different and in that moment the tendency is to… start ‘singing’ or ‘humming’ some kind of tune, lol.

I’ve proved it to be so every single time. I’ll describe one of them.

I was cooking breakfast and suddenly in a split moment, I had the memory of what I defined as an ‘awkward’ social situation where I didn’t know how to greet people, how to present myself based on the fact that we were at a funeral – so this was last week – and I also didn’t know how common it is to smile upon greeting others in such situations, but I did it anyway though judged my expression in that moment because of perceiving it might have been ‘too vain’ to do that towards others.

So when I was cooking, the image of greeting this couple in that one moment where I accessed the experience of ‘social awkwardness’ was coming up within me to re-look at it, it was a moment I could have taken as a reminder that ‘Hey! you accessed some experience while greeting this people, you can look at it now!’ – But, instead of actually deciding to ‘click’ on that image so to speak and look at what’s in it and understand the points I was suppressing in relation to my experience in that one moment, I started humming a song, lol. This is not the first time it has happened and afterward I notice what I do which is to ‘shut up’ my glimpses of memories or situations that are usually moments where there is something for me to look at, somewhere in that moment I accessed an emotion or a feeling, or ‘left me a bad taste’ in experience, there’s always something in those seemingly ‘small moments’ that come back as this insta-memories/flashbacks and also in an insta-moment I start humming, which I’ve now identified as a defense mechanism, a way to ‘shut myself up’ but also a way to suppress those points that actually caused a certain ‘shift’ in me and so were coming up again for me to look at them.

Every single time after I do the singing or humming I realize I just ‘shoved aside’ something that I could look at and the point is that because of not looking into it in the moment, I ‘forget’ and it’s gone. This last time that it happened – a week ago – I made a note of it and that’s how I remember exactly what the image was as that ‘still’ that came up in my mind while making breakfast and how I suppressed looking into that moment for me to realign and correct in myself.

Here in that memory I can establish the points to self-forgive

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access an experience of ‘social awkwardness’ which is related to not knowing what was the ‘right thing to do’ upon greeting people and doubting myself when it comes to it being ‘ok’ for me to smile or not, based on the belief that due to being in a funeral, I probably should act reserved and sad looking – but at the moment I wasn’t, therefore I should not manipulate my expression in that moment out of morals or ‘what is correct to do’ but simply make sure the expression is moderated, not too ecstatic either as that would imply another emotion or feeling for me to look at.

I also realize that in those moments even if the situation is quite ‘dull’ for most, a greeting toward and among the living can be supportive and a smile Is what I’d like to get from people even in such tough situations, as a way of reminding ourselves also that our lives go on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to many times before doubt myself in social situations as if I was expecting someone else to tell me what’s right or wrong to do in such situations, but the reality is that I can only trust myself in expressing myself in the moment, being considerate of the environment yes, but not manipulating myself either to show an emotion based on an idea of what ‘one is supposed to feel like’ in a funeral, and here also then stopping the accepted and allowed nature of situations like funerals where we tend to lower our voices and act in a very constricted manner, when in fact it is only ourselves individually in our minds and bodies that recreate these social conditions based on a mind’s reaction and experience, which is what here in this process I am deciding to become the directive principle of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my greeting among people that I didn’t really know before yet I proceeded to greet as I do others usually and here then I have to let go of any ‘rules’ I may have learned in relation to only shaking hand if people are ‘new’ to me or giving a cheek kiss to the ladies, and this I can do every time, that way I decide to establish the way in which I relate to others regardless of being a previously known or ‘new-known’ person lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a shift in my being when greeting new people and doubting, questioning, over analyzing ‘how I should act’ towards them, but there is nothing or no one that is going to tell me ‘how to’ lol – so I have to stand on my ground and simply make a decision to greet in a comfortable manner, not assessing ‘who’ they are, but simply realizing that if they are in the same ‘event’ or environment as myself, then I can greet and get to know them if the opportunity is there, or sometimes I’ve also asked them like ‘who are you’ but again, I restricted myself due to the ‘funeral’ situation, which I can also let go of and simply embrace as any other event, not making It something too ‘solemn’ in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to restrict my expression around others in a funeral, believing that if I showed myself as somewhat comfortable or expressive, it would go ‘against the tide’ in that situation, when in fact I don’t have to do this, of course as I said previously, measuring my expression at the same time, not to ‘bombastic’ lol in situations like that, nor manipulate myself into a facial expression and voice expression that I would be faking based on how I perceive the context must be.

Therefore I commit myself to embrace myself in every single moment of my expression, no matter ‘who’ I greet and in this, ensure that I am the one that is deciding to express and leave social conventions, ideas, expectations behind because those are usually limiting ourselves to perpetuate particular ‘set ups’ that are not genuinely supportive.

I mean, if I give to others as I’d like to give to myself, I’d like to greet someone that can at least be a bit cheerful in situations where majority are not doing ok, so I can be that one point if/when situations like this arise and if I am also experiencing emotions in such situations, to also not be ashamed of it because it can cause a situation where I then go into a ‘shift’ based on ‘what will others say’ which I recognize this time I just ‘let it be’ for a moment when it did emerge and that was ok, so what bothered me the most or what caused the most inner conflict is ‘who to be’ if I wasn’t experiencing any particular sadness or emotion based on the context.

For now I also realize that as a point of correction for myself and my expression in humming and singing to myself, I have to make it a clear decision wherein I also know How it is when I decide to ‘bring a song here’ and I start singing along to it, and when it becomes this ‘tune’ I just invent in a moment and sing in an unaware moment = that’s the suppression and so whenever I see myself doing that or even more so, whenever I see myself in that quantum moment of passing from the ‘insta-memory’ to wanting to start humming, I have to stop myself completely from ‘doing the humming’ and instead focusing on the memory, making a note of it either in my mind by looking at it with intent of Seeing it, acknowledging that moment that’s coming up again – and/or write it out, make a note of it with pen and paper so that this point doesn’t go unnoticed, and then continue doing what I was doing in stability, ensuring that if I decide to ‘hum along’ to something, it comes out of an emptiness in me, not as a way to mask the remembrance of a generally uncomfortable experience in me in a recent past moment that is right there, up in my mind again for me to look at it.

So I don’t have to hide from myself in those moments, I can actually be grateful that it’s popping up like jack in the box for me to re-look at a moment where I did not apply myself, did not change in the moment and so take now the time to look at it so that I can correct myself and apply in coming similar situations in my life.

Thanks for Reading

 

I can't remember your name

 

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453. Raining Down on Everyone’s Parade

 

I had a very revealing dream to myself this night and it’s interesting because I had a brief episode of sickness yesterday and slept quite a long time and I remember seeing this one dream closer to the time of waking up. Anyways what this dream reveals to myself, to the T, is that one aspect of myself that I have seen exists in me in a very almost self-sabotaging manner when it comes to embracing the ‘good stuff’ in life. Throughout these years I’ve shared how I have had a tendency to be comfortable in all things gloom and doom. That’s just how some of us have wired ourselves wherein instead of seeking comfort in the positive and nice fluffy things, we create a comfort in seeing everything wrong, incapable of changing, in a way yes existing in defeatism and seeing ‘no way out’, which I’ve come to understand is a way of yes giving up and not doing the actual work it entails to get things working out, to create something, to move on, to develop, to persevere with what we see in common sense is best for all and so ourselves.

Some of the most obvious aspects of this tendency to remaining in ‘all things gloom and doom’ I have been able to be deliberately changing and you know what, that has been one difficult thing for me to do, because it involves deliberately sticking to see the potential in everything, to deliberately create ways to establish solutions, to deliberately push through something until completion and not giving up on me or others, or life itself.

What emerged in the dream though is something that I had not entirely been able to pin-point even though I’ve been ‘in it’ for I’d say my whole life. How to define this experience in me? How I’ve experienced it and it became this very puzzling sensation in me is how even while being in the most supportive environments on earth, I could not entirely embrace that which I perceived as happiness or wellbeing or enjoyment around me, I FELT that it was quite a fake thing to embrace that expression and potential in me because of thinking/going into my mind and assessing: “hey look at the world, this is not a happy go lucky place, people, animals, life is suffering, what the hell am I doing here just trying to ‘be happy’ and joyful?” This is really not a nice experience because it’s like you can see others genuinely expressing themselves and being enjoying things but I just couldn’t, because of this ‘thorn’ like experience that I had wherein even if at a logical level it made sense and it was cool, there was this something in my experience that would just not embrace it.

This is exactly that one little stingy thing that has been ‘here as myself’ for so long and I hadn’t been able to point it out before, because it’s constantly there, it’s underlying most of the time in my every moment and interaction and how I spot it is how one kind of rejoices when things are going wrong in a way, when more gloom and doom exists and how I get into this very ‘uncomfortable’ experience when seeing growth, development, expansion, potentials, wellbeing… I know, it is even a bit shameful to say so because I have been deliberately advocating for that wellbeing, but I most of the times kept only those that are mostly currently disenfranchised to be given that wellbeing, I have not been entirely including myself in that wellbeing to be honest, I have desired it for others that are having a real bad time on Earth and that’s it. In a way, secretly desiring that the rest of us rather get ‘lemons in life’ for the assholes we’ve been to everyone else that we’ve left behind. Yes, this is a vengeance construct that includes me as the one that shouldn’t be able to ‘enjoy’ anything in life because of who we’ve been and what we’ve created. Yes, this can also be more like a form of punishment, but I here also realize that it doesn’t work as a ‘learning lesson’ if I genuinely wanted to change me and others, we’ve had tons of consequence in this world and we haven’t yet ‘had enough’ of it it seems. So, my logic is all wrong in this case.

But here, what I just wrote above is how we go making up excuses and pointing others as the cause and masking ‘good causes’ with a deep desire for things going wrong in a way, a part of myself has existed as that where whenever there’s any opportunity to ‘plan’ or ‘project’ very cool stuff for others in this world, I just can’t, I blank out, I cannot see further and find it even as too much of an ‘illusion’ to go into such kind of ideas or potentials, and that’s why I have focused on what’s here in the moment, the day to work with but still find it difficult to have this ‘blank slate’ and paint my perfect picture even if I could, even if the world was in that ready-for-creation state… and this as I see it can only mean that I don’t know yet, because I haven’t created it yet and I have to stop seeing it as this very evil/bad thing of myself to freeze out in all things good and potential and not being able to kind of ‘compute’ to it or embrace it, because I haven’t been doing that for myself yet, I haven’t let go of this other ‘vein’ that runs through me that wants to keep everything in a fucked-up status-quo. Yes, not the best thing to say or consider isn’t it? But I have also seen that even if we don’t want to admit this to ourselves, this is how we are wired in our minds for the most part when we are not self-directive, we drive ourselves to an inherent self-sabotage because we actually don’t want to do the work, the effort, the discipline, the changes required to truly embrace and nurture that potential in ourselves… in a way, we want to keep ourselves as addicts of the bad life, in whichever way or form it exists for each one of us.

Is this sad and shameful to realize? Yes it is for myself, absolutely, I was ashamed the moment that I realized in my dream how I was attempting to deliberately ‘bring others down with me’ because of my experience, instead of being the one that steps up to change myself, my experience in that moment and let go of my self-definitions and limitations.

If anything this is what I can define as the ‘evil’ inside me, that can’t rejoice in all things constructive and positive and expansive and supportive, but always awaits to see something going down again, to eventually want it to be broken, to be ‘in the same old’ misery, which is also where it is very much a weird thing for me to say, and this is a part of me that exists in me, that I have been deliberately changing and correcting throughout the years, yet it is still unexplainable if it will ever go away as this underlying experience in me, as the real nature of me that I will have to continually manage and override with a deliberate constant creation of the me that I would be in common sense willing to live and express as myself.

See, why I say the words deliberately creating and considering common sense, because if I didn’t, I would still ‘rather prefer’ – me as the mind – to have things not changing, to stay in a ‘comfort zone’ of self sabotage, of not growing, not expanding, not looking into the future in seeing the potential of what I’d like to be and create – and these are still points I have to look at deeply within me, how even if I am advocating for principled living and doing what’s best, it is something I deliberately do, it’s not natural, I don’t precisely feel ‘comfortable’ doing so all the time and still there are these moments where there’s a part of me that recoils at the notion of something growing, expanding, being happy, cringing at success so to speak…. And I get the image of my grandmother with this, and some other people in my life that I had seen tend to have the same set-up and this is where I realize: I want to stop the cycle of limitation, of pity, of misery, of recoiling at someone else’s thriving experience and here I see how this can be a generational thing as well that we mask with ‘fake gladness’ towards others, yet in the inside it’s like we cannot stand someone’s happiness or wellbeing and thriving… and this is in all cases my definition of that evil that exists in me.

 

 

So yesterday I was chatting with my buddy and I mentioned this point of how there was this interview that was published on Eqafe.com that I absolutely ‘resonated’ with in terms of wanting to get all of the ‘secret stuff’ out in the open to finally see it and acknowledge it, its name is the Consequence of Suppression. And I did tell her in a rhetorical self-questioning, that ‘I’d like to know for myself what those ‘deep secrets’ are’, because there are some say rather ‘meaningless’ stuff that I’ve worked with before in terms of ‘secrets’, but somehow I wasn’t seeing This very point I’ll explain here. So it’s like I made the question and I got a partial answer to it through this dream, which I am quite grateful for.

In this dream I was at my grandmother’s house…. I never liked going there, I didn’t have a good relationship with her either because…. lol! She represented exactly – most likely – this pattern that I am about to explain, so the fact that I was there with my partner and some in my family already was like an interesting set up because I had not dreamed of that house in a long time, even though I didn’t see her there either, she’s dead too. I was told by my mother how we would only make a ‘stop’ there in the house for a short period of time, we were on our way somewhere else, which is why I was ‘ok’ with being there – noticing here already the conditioning aspect. This ‘conditionality’ aspect means to have others do what I say or want based on my preferences, which is one hell of a controlling mechanism that I have imposed onto others around me, big time. Meaning if they said ‘we will be there for a short time’ that should be IT and if other contingencies happen, “I’m sorry, you said this: we must leave now” type of thing.

As we were sitting in the living room, a bunch of unknown species of insects and animals would start flying around and running around, for the most part I would be usually scared of this, but this time I ‘breathed through it’ in the dream, which was interesting even though a part of me just wanted to zap them and get the hell out of there. After that I’d see more people arriving to the house, people I haven’t seen in some years which created some discomfort in me as well, which is revealing too. And the people that were gathering in that same living room had some kids that started running around and in general they were like these ‘good people’ that were happy and enjoying themselves in the moment.

What started happening is that I started just wanting to leave the situation and get away from it all, because it is like the situation was just ‘too perfect’ for ‘me’ as my mind and my experience that almost gets into a discomfort when things are going ‘too well’ in certain situations… yes as weird as it sounds. How I’ve defined it in my mind is that ‘this is too fake, this is too good to be true, I’m out of here’ And in that moment I was expecting my partner to be in that ‘same experience’ but! Nope, actually I’d find him carrying a baby  and playing with the kids and I’d see how he was quite stable and content with it all, so I knew that I would be a real b. if I’d go and tell him to leave them and come away with me and my misery. Some people around me kept trying to interact with me and in a way to make me stay there, but what I saw is how there was a part of me that wanted everyone to just start feeling miserable, bad, negative, to ‘drop the show’ as I perceived it. I wasn’t interested in ‘joining them’ so to speak, no matter how constructive their talks and doings were in that moment.

Then someone else – a male – would take me aside into a different room, a different setting and would simply ask ‘what’s up’? I recognize that question from someone in my life that assisted me a lot to genuinely look inside me and be honest about my experience, so then I would start complaining and half-crying almost like a little kid, all about how ‘everyone was just so happy and well’ and how I wanted everyone to instead consider ME my experience that was uncomfortable in that situation, I wanted everyone to ‘drop their show’ to focus on how I wasn’t doing well, I wanted to stop ‘their good time’ in order to focus on my ‘bad time’ and this is one hell of a pattern in fact.

It reminded me as well of the times when I would throw tantrums as a child for something I perceived my parents forgot to do for me or give me or be there for me, and so whenever they would start apologizing and even giving some stuff to me as a way to redeem themselves, I would throw it all back at them, I would kick and scream and cry and become just really, really irate at the situation. I have explained this before as well and my ‘happiness point’ in that situation was to have them feel like shit for ‘doing this/that to me’ and be terribly sorry and just be at the same level of woe that I was in and ask for forgiveness and stuff like that. So what I wanted in that reunion situation is others to ‘notice me’ and how I feel really bad and almost want to push them to ‘blame themselves’ for ‘making Me feel a certain way.’ Which is what transpired in that situation developing at my grandmother’s home and only when I woke up I kind of pondered how come I hadn’t seen my grandmother there, and saw the obviousness of it… I was embodying that one aspect of her that I completely hated about her, which is related to how even if she had all of her kids with her assisting her, checking up on her constantly, giving her all the money she needed, she would still complain and drown herself into a pity party that was very difficult to get her out of, if not, at all.

So I haven’t actually walked this point for myself, how this aversion I had toward my grandmother is not a childish thing that I created toward her and believing that I am right on that assessment, because sure I have now been able to understand more of her life context and experiences to understand why she was who she was and behaved the way she did. But in me, this almost self-sabotaging experience of wanting to ‘rain down on everyone’s parade’ and have everyone else become equally miserable to My experience… man, that is fucked up to say the least and the ‘frightening’ thing is how this is an underlying experience in me that I hadn’t been able to actually see with clarity.

There had always been this one ‘thing’ as a ‘stuck thorn’ experience that would come up whenever I see anything ‘blooming’ and ‘in happiness’ and in any form of growth, development, expansion… in a deliberate manner I push myself to see the benefits, to see how cool it is that this/that is growing, expanding, enjoying, being just ‘fine’ with themselves and in a situation or environment. Yet me in my experience, like it was in the dream, even if the environment could have been genuinely interesting, comfortable and even inviting for me, I held on to this one bubble of anger, discomfort, resentment point that I was piling up based on how ‘I had been told this was going to be a 5 minute thing, now we seem to be stuck here’ and in a way refusing to ‘give in’ and ‘let go’ of my control aspect, but at the same time almost like wishing and desiring that others could notice how unhappy I was, and have everyone else around me notice that I just wasn’t ‘ok’ as them and so be able to stop their experiences and ‘join me in misery’.

Upon sharing this out loud to my partner I see that this has been that one ‘thorn’ that I’ve experienced basically everywhere and in everything where it seems I cannot genuinely enjoy something, that I cannot fully embrace something that is entirely supportive. And here it is not a point of deserving or anything like that… it is just this constant if I can call it ‘evil’ as a reverse of life really because it creates  a comfort in anything that is not yet ‘there’ in an utmost potential of my own self experience and that of others and everything around me… and how I have assessed it through my mind is that ‘it feels fake, too good to be true, that’s just not how life is’ and in this underlying experience, almost always expecting things to keep going wrong, to keep struggling even though I myself in my directive self and the self that I am deliberately creating for me is well aware of how detrimental is for us to keep ‘falling’ on the same crap, really. Yet I see that there is still this part of me, very suppressed, very ingrained, very underlying but still constantly there where I just can’t seem to be able to enjoy myself fully and completely, I just can’t seem myself to even push myself to envision/visualize myself having ‘all that I need’ in a way that I guess many people can constantly dream of as their ‘perfect lives…’ I don’t have that and I see that as much as I have had moments of genuine enjoyment, there are some ‘wirings’ in me that tell me how that is not real, that is just a passing situation, that is not the reality of life on earth and so kind of eventually suppressing it in a way to keep within this ‘stuckness’ comfort of almost being in this ‘ever-developing’ phase where I can’t seem to fully breakthrough to constructive and supportive stuff, because of how I’ve Defined it as ‘unreal’ as ‘fake’ as ‘not true’ and ‘not congruent’ to the rest of life on Earth.

Though in common sense, why would I want others to be constantly miserable as a way to realize what we’ve done to ourselves and so what needs to be changed? It is not necessary, if anything that stage of being at our ‘very dark bottom of the pit’ is nothing else but a stage from which we have to eventually step out of.  And this is where I know I deliberately place these words because they make sense and it’s the kind of expression I want – as in self-corrected me – to continue nurturing and growing in myself, but if I wrote here as the me that has always been here as ‘my real nature’ so to speak… I would not be bothering, at all.

Therefore how I use the word deliberate as a guiding point for me, realizing I am doing this willingly and deliberately and how it doesn’t come easy because it feels so unnatural, so ‘not me’ but this is precisely the part of me that I consider we all have and that we have to in a way starve to death, we don’t have to feed it anymore and so instead grow, nurture our other aspect of ourselves, that little bit where potential exists, where thriving exists.

And this is also that came up as well when I was recording this hangout of Black Mirror’s season 3, episode Nosedive and this might even be actually a very supportive thing for me to learn to see how others related to the same episode and so use it to reflect a lot more back into myself as to why I became what I became before and so here how to continually and deliberately expand into creating the self that I see is most supportive and constructive for myself and others in equality. We all have that potential, we have to make a deliberate decision to see what do we want to keep supportive within ourselves? The evil, the constructive and supportive or ‘good’ for a lack of better word?  Up to me.

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace and Create Life here:

 

Photo of my niece by me, hope she doesn’t mind!


451. Will You Deliberately Read This?

 

One aspect of our human nature that is as clear as water for me now is the propensity to blame and behind this is the evasion of self-responsibility. As I write this I ‘feel’ I have just wrote about this in my last blog, but there’s really a myriad of ways in which we constantly try and find all kinds of ‘disguises’ or ‘covert’ ways to not have to take Self-Responsibility. How? We victimize ourselves, we believe we are ‘just enslaved to the mind’, we say that ‘we don’t know ourselves’ or ‘don’t see what we are doing’ or we get ‘angry at others/the world’, we say we ‘can’t remember’ or ‘are ashamed to see what we’ve become’ or believe that we have been ‘programmed this way by some gods or creators’ while comfortably forgetting all about what ‘oneness and equality’ means even with ‘those’ that supposedly are to ‘blame’ for what we’ve become. All  of these excuses I can note down here because I’ve seen myself in all of those aspects throughout my life as well, only to now see with clarity that they are all comfortable lies we tell ourselves to not get to see and recognize the raw truth of ourselves, which is not nice and not pretty.

There’s a particular great interview that I found resonated with me quite a lot, because this is exactly the reason why I am part of Desteni, because I am interested in us ‘taking off the masks’ that we have become with ideas of us being less and inferior to ‘something’ or ‘someone’, which are just ways to deceive ourselves really, instead of fully standing our ground and being ok to embrace ourselves – the seemingly ugly and horrible of ourselves as well – walking this path to review our lives  – not only personally, but collectively – and so be able to stand up and say: Yes, this is ME, I embrace me, I acknowledge and recognize me as the liar, the cheater, the victim, the creator, the whole of it.  I realize I have the ability/capacity/power to change who I am, because I have created myself and what I have become, and so I decide to LIVE that change, moment by moment in a Deliberate manner.

See this is a key word here to work on as I’ve been seeing it and realizing it with clarity within myself, because walking this process is a deliberate decision. Why deliberate? It’s not something that will flow naturally out of you, most likely it will be the most awkward ‘unnatural’ and ‘out of place’ thing one has ever done, because we have just not wired ourselves to live by principles of self-responsibility. Therefore being Deliberate is an absolute matter of willful action to see, recognize/acknowledge and realize our responsibility to who we are and what we have created as ‘what is here’ – and so at the same time, in equal realization opening the door to start creating ourselves in a principled manner, because we created ourselves and we are creating this reality as is = this means we are the creators of it all, so the question is: who do we decide to be?

We have created ‘greater sources’ and ‘gods’ from the very first moment of our existence, not as humans, but even before that, and all of it for the sake of creating a blind-eye and eventually forgetting who we are, ‘removing’ our responsibility to it all to place ourselves in a position of inferiority, of powerlessness, of enslavement, precisely so that we then could ‘lash out’ and ‘blame’ some god or authorities, later known as ‘elites/politicians’ and ‘controllers of the world system’ as the reason why ‘all is wrong in this world.’ It’s so obvious that all that we’ve done with our lies/beliefs and experiences is nothing else but masking ourselves further from seeing directly, seeing here, what is here as our creation, our reality, our reflection – no ‘other’ but ourselves here.

And this doesn’t only relate to ‘the world’ out there, but inside of ourselves. As I was saying, there is this interview that explains to what extent we can hide ourselves from even being open to ourselves! We hide and we don’t even want to admit what we are seeing and experiencing in our own minds – which means no one else can! – and I can say yes, it’s really shameful and nasty and not ‘nice’ at all to open to oneself these aspects of our true-nature, of our true-human nature. Yet at the same time, this is exactly where we have to be at and go to if we want to Actually start taking significant steps in this process of self-realization/knowing ourselves and so having the keys to this change we sometimes see sooo difficult to create. The interview I’m talking about is The Consequence of Suppression – Quantum Systemization – Part 143 because, funnily enough, I hadn’t really connected the word ‘suppression’ to evasion or wanting to get away from something, but only as a ‘hiding’, but here now seeing how we hide when we don’t want to get to see ourselves face to face with what is really going on within ourselves, that we usually project onto others as some form of experience, again to avoid/evade seeing ourselves directly as the creators of that experience within. And so that’s why we tend to usually ‘lash out’ at others, or the world – whichever becomes our pick of the day: politicians, parents, gods, your partner, your children, ‘the system’, the money makers… the list goes on as far and wide as our desire to hide and blame and excuse ourselves goes.

It’s astounding the level of separation we have created where we virtually wage wars against anything and blame anything or anyone for our ‘enslavement’ or ‘controlling us’ not even realizing the kind of deliberate dementia we have become to precisely ‘forget’ all about who we are, what we’ve become and in doing so, we still keep ourselves busy trying to ‘find ways’ to apparently ‘be free’ from ‘the oppressors’ and ‘the laws in this system’, and ‘the money system’… we are truly only fooling ourselves! We have created it all, because we are in fact ‘one and equal’ – so who are we fooling when trying to ‘stand up to the system’ really? Are we standing up to ourselves then as the phantom enemies that we’ve created to perpetuate division and separation?  

Maybe some unfamiliar to this might say ‘Nooo! Can’t be! I’ve always been a Good person!’ well, that is just not so, who we are and have become is visible in every inch of this reality and in the kind of experiences and thoughts we hold within our minds, even more so when they are seemingly dedicated to ‘do good’ but hold a desire to trump others, to take revenge, to show and prove to others wrong, to ‘beat the rest’ and achieve one’s success over something or someone…. All of it again nicely masked and disguised for the sake of keeping oneself in a pedestal of glory and nobility. It just doesn’t exist as a genuine aspect of ourselves, the only way to make it real is by getting to first stand and embrace the deep bottom of what motivates us to be and do what one does.

Hence the point here on the word Deliberate. It’s a fully considerate, conscious and intentional doing that in the context of this process is accompanied with the integration of the living principles which can be resumed to doing/living/speaking/acting/thinking what is best for all – not about wanting to be good or avoiding being bad – or who knows just wanting to ‘be bad’ either – but about creating a starting point to everything that we do in a way that we KNOW is best for oneself and so best for others.

We can only fool ourselves to think we don’t know this if we actually don’t want to let go of an aspect of our egos/personalities and multiple characters that benefit who we are as our minds. It’s very easy to debunk or find out ‘what is it that isn’t allowing me to see? What is it that I am resisting to let go?’ simply asking ourselves what do I don’t want to see of myself that I actually don’t want to realize as my creation, that I don’t want to take responsibility and do the work to change real time for, that I am actually ashamed of, lazy to change, want to take the ‘shortcut’ to do, want to do the least effort to bring through a supportive change… what do I want to hold on to as a comfort zone in myself, in my mind experiences and in my life? And just by asking these questions, things will pop up in our minds that we have to then Deliberately – as in fully considering, consciously and intentionally – open them up to for once and for all get to see how we essentially have been throwing tantrums all along, deliberately using the shield of ‘fears’ to not actually do the deliberate self-investigation, self-introspection that comes in the way of writing or even having supportive engagements with other individuals to get to know ourselves in an actual deep and open way, based on being willing to acknowledge that first and essential, primordial nature of who we are which is that of what has been of negative nature, of destructive consequences in our bodies, in our lives, in this world.

We all know what those are, because we can see the results and even kids can tell us what makes sense to do and what not to do… so why do we fool ourselves, be-living-a-lie believing that we don’t know any better, that we are too fearful, too scared, too weak to do anything about it.

There is a phrase that has come through in this process with Desteni throughout the years and I frankly only ear-marked it for some time, not really knowing what it meant. But more so than before I consider I am giving it a definition here that is supportive for myself. That saying of ‘walking through the eye of the needle’ and how I see that it precisely involves this Deliberate – consciously, considerate and intentional – doing of living decisions that are supportive, doing the necessary work/actions as changes that we need to start, continue and improve in walking this process of self-change every single day, every moment we are alive, because there’s always, always room for improvement. This IS where we decide: do I fool myself pretending I don’t know, that I need to blame others, that I cannot forgive something/someone (which is OURSELVES anyways), that we are too weak or powerless to change, that we don’t know how, that we are too overwhelmed in our minds… It takes a deliberate decision (see the following audio for more understanding on ‘Living a Decision’: Living the Word Decision – Reptilians – Part 311) to create change in one single moment. And this is what I’d like to see as ‘the eye of the needle’ here where it seemingly is the most difficult thing to do, yet it is that opening there which is just about the right size of a constant breath, a constant standing up, a constant facing of potential challenges that will enable us to continually define where are we standing on? Who do we decide to be: of life as self-creation, self-responsibility and deliberately doing what is best for all/best for self – or of the worst of ourselves as our minds, our patterns of all kinds of excuses, justifications and victimizations with which we have managed to avoid seeing back at us as the origin and source –which means the creators – of this all: We are IT.

Now this is all theory, it’s me really ranting about things that I have been realizing and seeing more direct than ever with the assistance and support of the material at Eqafe.com and having many points ‘click’ within me to see how supportive it has been in my case throughout my process to decide Not to deceive myself, not to fool myself and when I have done so, man, do I walk the consequences for sure and only I know where I have not stood, where I have stood and what is yet to be created as myself, my potential. And this is exactly where we have to let go of when fearing to be in this seemingly ‘uncomfortable spot’ because we have yet to create ourselves, yet at the same time it’s kind of silly because here we have on a golden platter the actual keys to freedom and liberation, yet we time and time again keep ‘choosing’ to ‘diss-the-track’ as in distracting ourselves and going back to what we’ve always been before, or seeking ‘more information’ … our minds, our patterns, our usual ways to keep seeing ourselves as little kids that are in ‘perpetual seeking’ yet not daring to turn one’s face back at oneself, apparently having no say in this world.

Come on, we need to ‘human-up’ here and start transcending our adolescence really, where we like to play adults and gods and ‘grown ups’ for certain things that usually have led us to our ruin, and play ‘the kids’ that don’t know any better for everything else that entails a real doing, a real acknowledgement of self-responsibility and so a genuine dedication of self-change, of real discipline to deliberate walk through all of those seemingly ‘difficult’ points, that are only seemingly ‘difficult’ because we don’t go feeding our usual ways in the mind, and we actually go through a withdrawal process, a withdrawal symptom because of how addicted we have become to, yes, self-destruction, inferiority, victimization, keeping a blind-eye to self-responsibility even if disguised in a ‘standing up’ manner when it comes to doing so ‘against’ something or someone…. Yes, we only can fool ourselves to continue making it as tough and as difficult as we decide it to be: no one decides that but ourselves.

An example is how we like to think that there is this government that is ‘spying’ on us and everyone is fearing the NSA and GHCQ and we have people like Snowden saying ‘oh oh fear fear! You are being spied, all of you, everywhere!!’ lol, really, we are only fooling ourselves from what we already by now should know: nothing that we do ever ‘goes up in smoke’, nothing. Not a single thought, not a single move, not a single ‘not-doing’ goes unaccounted for. And this is not any mystical mystery here, this is about laws of physics and the fact that we live in a physical reality that layers/keeps track of or ‘records’ every single one of our movements based on the sheer fact of us existing in this physical reality. And all of that is what we will eventually entirely have to review from beginning to end as our walk of self-responsibility for who we are and have become, either doing it here ‘in this world’ or in the afterlife as our Life Review of which you can hear hundreds of them by clicking on the link there.

So, we really can’t hide from ourselves and that’s what I got from the interview I mentioned above The Consequence of Suppression – Quantum Systemization – Part 143 because I really resonated with how things are explained there, because I see how I personally enjoy and like these rather ‘in your face’ wake up calls, that’s what  has been the most supportive for me in my process thus far – being very direct, stark, in your face, going directly to what one would fear looking at and acknowledging just because of fear, using ‘fear’ as an excuse really, as our own convenient ‘smoke’ to not see straight to the point and acknowledge: fuck, what am I really not wanting to do for myself to change? What am I being lazy about to change this? Where am I not placing my focus and attention to correct this which I know is having a negative impact on myself and so others around me? Why and How am I running away from myself? Because to me what has been of ultimate support is seeing how people in the afterlife walk through their entire life, revising every detail of it and getting to the core of the points to change, testing them in ‘real time’ as they go doing this, to acknowledge precisely their ability to stand, to change, to take self-responsibility, because hell, if we are to acknowledge –finally – our creation of this all, can we continue being (b)lame creators? Nope, we’ve been there, are there and have done that… doesn’t work.

We like hearing things like ‘becoming life’ and associate it with this nice fluffy thing, it is really not at all to be made into this spiritual joke, this is a serious process, the most challenging thing in our lives – not difficult though, because it’s really about Living Decisions, it involves our change in our consciousness, in our awareness, in our actions and inactions. It is not, thus, ‘difficult’ but challenging, and this is a never ending challenge where we decide who we want to be in every moment, every single day.

I don’t focus myself on this notion of ‘becoming life’ or ‘finishing process’ or whatever else… that creates yet a ‘something out there in the future to obtain’ which is how we’ve created the heavens, the gods and the rest of fluffy fallacies. This is about a Deliberate – conscious, intentional and considerate – moment by moment decision in thought, word and deed of how we are ‘spending’ our time here on Earth, what we give our focus and attention on, what we decide to live, what we decide to do and not do.

But please, if there’s a last thing I ask to myself and everyone else as a human being here as myself, is that we need to truly grow up now, to stop fooling ourselves, deceiving ourselves, to realize that we are the ones that give ‘power’ to our memories, that we create our fears, that we create our fuckups – no one else, no ‘god’ or ‘preprogramming’ or ‘challenging minds’ or ‘difficult past lives’ – no-thing of that is real, but covert ways to complicate our ability to see direct into what needs to be done. It is a deliberate – conscious, considerate and intentional – action to let go of our limitations as well, in every moment, and so focus on physicality, the doing, the direction, the ‘reminding’ ourselves of principles, of our responsibility – to not victimize ourselves, to not blame, to not see ourselves as ‘disempowered’ – but to acknowledge ‘we are it’ in every moment, we make it or break it. Up to us, no one else –  a very individual process yet a very collective one and the same one for us all.

There are tons – literally – of interviews of support for virtually just about any main aspect that you will face of your mind in this process at Eqafe.com and in all platforms listed below this blog. No one else can do this for you, you have to do the work, you have to deliberately decide to walk through ‘the eye of the needle.’

 Let’s do it.

 

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118. My Libido – A Denial

What would be the only reason why an essential aspect of our human-physical living reality such as the sexual drive – dubbed libido for psychoanalysis purposes can be obfuscated in a deliberate manner? Fear

 

Libido is the word that came up in the dictionary and immediately remembered how I had first listened to Kurt Cobain sing/scream this word in the chorus of the 90s youth anthem Smells like teen spirit which I first heard when I was about 7 – close to his death – and how I would always use the dictionary to translate words and get to know the meaning of words. I found out what this was and even at that age I already could see the experiences emerging with the meaning of the word.

 

Oh what will people that know me say about this? It’s fascinating because I had pretty much disclosed the entire point of sexual drive in a document that I kept for myself from the beginning of my process, to disengage that entire ‘sexual drive’ that I would find within me in almost every single moment of my beingness here. Yes, it was part of a system manifestation that I had – yet no different to any other sexual drive really. Through the years of my application within this process, I have been able to stabilize myself a lot in relation to sexuality and sex-drive, which is something very cool as I could see how it could get to control your every-day living if you are simply only waiting for the moment to have sex again – it was that extensive within me.

 

I have realized how part of the reasons for my dissociation with my family stemmed from them opposing the people that I would go out with – I stopped communicating with them, hiding and simply keeping the minimal-contact with them just because of realizing that ‘they would always oppose the person I decided to be in a relationship with’ – I had literally resigned and also ‘designed’ myself to live out the idea of having to get far, far away from them as an adult, as they would never approve of my relationships – however, this belief of them having to ‘approve’ of my relationships was part of the familial-type of patterns wherein partners had to always be introduced at home and so, my parents would agree or disagree with them and act accordingly – this is in relation to how my sister’s partners would be ‘treated’ – yes a fuckedup pattern indeed.

 

That’s why and how I developed ideas of: ‘I will never get married, I will never have kids, I will live in an open relationship with people, I won’t settle down the way they want me to’ never realizing how all of these ideas were only stemming from what I beLIEved was my way of ‘liberation’ from the perceived oppression. The Desteni I Process and particularly the Agreements Course has been very supportive to open up these personal repressions and entire psychological warfare that we develop toward ourselves as our own physical sexual expression that should not be hidden, should not be repressed/ suppressed as that is then still ‘giving head’ to familial traditions, traumatic experiences, an entire ‘sins of the fathers’ type of experience wherein I can see and have written out how I developed this ‘political’ way of being wherein I have kept my secrets in place, which is the same pattern that I can spot from ‘those that have gone before me’ in quite fascinating ways, as I see and realize how this has become ‘the way’ to keep ourselves safe in our bubbles, keeping literal ‘political relationships’ with one another while having quite a raucous personal life on the other hand.

 

So, back into the fear point and why I kept this to myself. I had a few ‘tortuous’ years when I was in my late teens, coping with the entire point of secret relationships out of fear of survival literally, as I feared that my parents would simply stop allowing me to go out or support my plans to study abroad if I would keep seeing this or that person.

I later on – much later on – realized how I had in fact not taken into consideration what I was doing when engaging in such relationships, but I had to see/ experience that for myself, fall flat on my face and stand up. However the lack of openness in communicating with my parents about it was simply an aspect that I see influenced me into keeping these topics secret to myself. I mean, I would easily talk about sex and the female/ male innuendo play outs in society, however I would never talk about how I would live that within my own life.

I was considering following on this topic – however, at the moment I see there is a point that requires to be walked with more specificity, which is how I have deliberately decided to be alone/ a loner and how I have also developed characters in relation to pushing people away the moment that they get too close – so, that will come in blogs to follow as that is more ‘latent’ within my current reality.

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a point like ‘sexual drive’ as a taboo to speak about in my blog because of the extent of the audience that I have now and believing that this topic is ‘too personal’ to share, wherein I realize that I can only limit myself because of an actual fear of what others would think about my realizations and writings, without seeing and realizing how this world is the result of having lived sexuality as a great point of ‘secret desire’ that is everywhere yet no one is openly discussing it, which is what causes most of the problems going on around sexual dysfunctions, paraphilias and any other type of diversion from physical-sexuality, as we have made of sex a mind-energetic drive instead of an actual integral part of our living-reality, wherein we can instead support ourselves to develop an equal and one self-communication at a physical level as our own sexuality, to later on expand and establish agreements with others that are doing the same and as such, change the way that sexuality is approached as a topic, and lived within this world wherein we have pornography, sexual abuse, sexual harassment and any other dysfunctional consequence stemming from this ‘unspoken banning’ toward all things sex in our reality.

 

I see and realize that I have perpetuated this secrecy as a way to still hold certain link toward a familial type of ‘rule’ wherein we are not supposed to talk about our personal sexual experiences, and only speak about ‘the surface’ of relationships, which is how sex was never a spoken topic toward me specifically, but only kept as an assumption wherein I believed that the only communication and understanding about sex was able to be obtained from school. Which was actually so and other sources such as books that I read in order to get to understand how it physically functioned – however, as a point to consider for everyone that is currently having kids or thinking about becoming parents, it is indispensable to create an openness to discuss about sexuality as in being a ‘girl’ or a ‘boy’ and the physical differences that exist between both, later on about masturbation, sexual relationships and stopping any form of ‘secrecy’ implanted onto this topic, as the slightest repression existent within oneself, can turn into the child’s own repression or the extreme opposite which is an absolutely ‘unleashed’ sexual expression as a form of spitefulness toward such repression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having feared discussing my personal relationships with my parents/ family in general because of fearing how they would judge the people that I would go out with, and within this making such fears as real as I would allow myself to live them out by creating a ‘double life’ wherein I could keep one side of my life secret and present another side of myself toward everyone, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to repress my own expression in communicating toward others what I was in fact doing and living as in relation to relationships/ sexuality, which became part of the personalities that I developed as a ‘survival-mode,’ just because of fearing not being supported to continue my studies or being kicked out of the house or simply perpetual fights because of me going out with particular people in my world.

 

When and as I see myself fearing talking about sex and my own sexual experiences, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these fears are directly linked to my family and the patterns of threats in relation to not going out with particular people in my world. I realize that no one else can decide for me ‘who I can establish a relationship with’ but myself, and that any objection can only be taken as a point to discuss with them to support them/ others to see where and how such fears/ judgments originate from their own personal experiences projected onto myself or others in question. This way I can practically assist and support myself and others to see how we have passed on our own personal repressions around sex because of fearing to see how such fears determined our ‘who we are’ in relation to sexuality, which is unacceptable to continue like this in our world wherein much of the behavioral problems stem from having an ‘unhealthy’ sexual relationship of individuals toward ourselves as our own physical body and toward others as sexual relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents had ‘all the power’ to decide who I could go into a relationship with or not, wherein the obvious fear-factor was being supported financially to live and study – hence I realize how even the relationships that we have toward ourselves and our own bodies is influenced by the relationship with our parents and not only the communicational aspect of it, but any other form of restrain and prohibition in relation to our own sexual expression is directly linked to how we were educated/ non-educated at all in relation to sexuality and our own physical relationship with our own body.

 

Thus when and as I see myself fearing what my parents/ family would say, think or judge another person that I decide to go into a relationship with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that no one else has a say to decide what’s best for me according to their beliefs and perceptions, but that I am the only one that is able to perfectly assess what I am willing to be, do and express with myself and another as an actual relationship of self-support. I also see and realize that any judgment can be worked with in relation to themselves and how they were educated/ uneducated about it, which is how I can practically turn a point of taboo, prohibition or further ‘disapproval’ into understanding wherein we can actually instead support ourselves to be able to communicate effectively about points that were simply ‘kept secret’ in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the backchat and ‘ingrained beliefs’ such as I will never get married, I will never have kids, I will live in an open relationship with people, I won’t settle down the way they want me to’ as they were all spiteful decisions I made in relation to how I lived my own personal relationships and how I would ‘deal’ with that in relation to my family – thus I see and realize that I only limited myself to be and become one single idea of ‘who I will be in my relationships’ as a deliberate opposition and contrast to that which I would see as a ‘must-do’ and ‘must-avoid’ type of attitudes that I witnessed at home, not realizing that I was the only one that developed such fears toward it and within this, giving my entire power away to fear, to keep quiet and secretive about my relationships at all times.

 

When and as I see myself bringing up beliefs about myself, my future relationships and what I want to be and become and what I won’t ‘ever’ be and become – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the totalitarianism that I have imposed onto myself has been mostly a way to oppose my familial restrictions that I took personal and a pillar to develop my own ‘rebellious’ personality, which is nothing else but the exact opposite of what I made myself believe that my parents wanted me to be and become. Thus, I stop playing the game of being the ‘black sheep of the family’ and going against everything that I knew they ‘believed in’ and instead, simply consider at all times what is it that I am willing to live by and as, how I am willing to support myself in a relationship wherein an actual open agreement of self-support is lived in a physical way, wherein no ‘family taboos’ are existent any longer, and within this ensuring that all types of limitations toward sexuality and how to deal with it is stopped here, as I see and realize the consequences of what happens when sexuality becomes an ‘unspoken secret’ within the relationship we have with our parents/ family, and how this becomes a personal taboo as well the moment that we still unconsciously fear talking about it based on past experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having chosen partners that were deliberately the type of opposite ‘stereotypes’ from the people that I knew my mother wanted me to end up with in a relationship, which became a spiteful pattern that had to be played out in secret, just because of how my mother would disapprove from the partners I had, which was both a negative experience for having to be hiding – a positive experience based on how I would feel like I was finally ‘rebelling’ to the obliged experiences I went through with my mother, without realizing that I was then only acting and making decisions in spitefulness toward my mother and never in fact making an informed decision based on what is best for me to be and do within the consideration with whom it is best for me to establish a relationship with, without holding on the anti-stereotype of ideal partner in order to annoy my mother as I have realized how within wanting to spite my mother = I only ended up spiting myself

 

When and as I see myself seeking to in any way spite others with the decision I make in relation to my personal relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only person that I end up spiting is myself when decisions are made as a reaction instead of an actual in detail self-decision to actually design and create a self-agreement with myself and another in order to walk a process of physical support that can in fact stand as the new way of living sexuality and relationships wherein all past and familial taboos are self-forgiven and walked into a physical practical correction wherein I see and realize that all decisions I made, I am responsible for and that anyone else’s input on it can only be taken into consideration in relation to the actual support they represent or not.

 

I commit myself to walk my own process of self-agreement wherein I see and realize the importance of developing an openness to talk about sexuality with more people, as this is quite a ‘biggie’ point in our ‘human nature’ wherein because of the entire judgments and energetic-experiences attached to sexuality as a physical act, it has become only this image-based type of topic that people can masturbate to or have sex to wherein actual physical relationships are not considered at all, but only turned into these type of energetic-triggers to create yet another addiction that we have enslaved ourselves to, simply because of the same physical separation that we have perpetuated throughout our lives and deemed it as ‘normal,’ because we had in fact never understood how the mind works, how we developed a relationship of abuse toward ourselves and others the moment that we began regarding only sex and sexuality as an energetic experience toward an image, an idea or the idea and belief of another being in our minds that we could use a fuel to our own libido, wherein the actual physical experience was never considered in reality.

 

I commit myself to share myself and my experiences, so that parents and to-be parents can consider how vital the relationship of communication they have with their children actually is, and how it is a decisive factor that can create either a point of openness or repression within another being, wherein the sexual drive a.k.a. libido can be understood and properly given direction as an actual natural expression that must be developed by each being individually with and toward their own body, ensuring that such relationship is kept within the bounds of physicality and not turning it into a mind-drive for energetic experiences that later on vandalize an actual physical experience into a lucrative image-based drive for quick energetic fixes that in no way consider an actual physical relationship or agreement with oneself and/or another to actually walk a process of understanding the actual potential we have to develop this point of self expression in and as the physical with ourselves and/or another being when establishing ourselves as one and equal as our physical body.

I see and realize the importance of developing proper communication with ourselves as our physical body and with others in relation to sexuality, as this is the way wherein we can actually support ourselves to stop any form of limitation that ensues further ‘backdoors’ of abuse with absolutely detrimental consequences to ourselves as society, which is how we can only be controlled by images that are plentiful in our every day living as ‘advertisement’ becoming just another ‘match’ to light up for a moment to get a certain satisfaction, never ever considering the actual physical relationships that must be established in order to ensure that physical-sex is lived and understood and actually integrated as part of the new sexual expression that will step forth as an outflow of our own process of self equality and oneness.

 

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Vengan a mí

 

Thanks to Maya and her blogs that allowed me to also review this point for myself

Journey to Life – Maya Harel’s Sexual Expression Blogs

Blogs:

Trust your Inner Voice – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 118

Day 118: #TRUEACTIVIST – Part 2

 

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Day 15: Adherence

adhere 

1    stick fast to.
2    believe in and follow the practices of.
3    represent truthfully and in detail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to a relationship as soon as I got the acceptance and confirmation by another of being ‘valuable’ for them in the context of establishing a relationship, because of having the starting point of wanting to be accepted/ recognized by another in order to ‘give meaning to my life,’ which is why and how I sought relationships in absolute separation from myself, because I had not allowed me to accept myself, and in this, sticking like glue to the people that would express their appreciation toward myself, and I would experience the same ‘back,’ which is what I had deemed as ‘being lucky,’ because of being able to establish the relationships that ‘I’ had chosen to be in – apparently, without realizing that my own set of preferences as personality had sought a similar pattern that could satisfy my ‘needs’ and desires within the context of my own limitations as personality/ ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick fast to and develop quick relationships mostly, always just ‘going for it’ without taking into consideration what I am exactly indulging into and getting myself into, which implies that I had merely acted out of impulse as an energetic drive, as the ‘intuition’ that I had followed whenever I would manipulate myself and the entire situation in order to ‘make it acceptable’ for me to just ‘go for it’ and establish a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to fully consider another within these temperamental decisions that I would brew with steam wherein I would just want to settle the relationship right away and make it all happen as fast as we could, in order to satisfy my usual drive an desire to have it all as soon as possible and quick and ‘sealed,’ which was an energetic drive that I accepted and allowed to drive myself completely, without having ever taken a moment to stop, breathe and really place into perspective what it is that I was allowing within myself. Such second-point consideration didn’t exist, and I’m simply here placing it out so that I become aware of not giving into impulse and feeling for something or someone, I take the necessary time to assess the situation and place into perspective practicality and reality instead of dreaming and fantasizing to fulfill my dreams.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for me to be with another in a relationship, I must idolize them and admire as in seeing them as ‘more than me’ so that ‘I can learn from them,’ without realizing that this is not about being with something that you can measure as knowledge and information, as a mind system – it is about another breathing, living being that must stand equal and one as myself and any other being that is not defined by knowledge and information. This means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having ‘fallen for’ and had platonic relationships with people just because of the set of knowledge and information they represented as something that I aspired to become, which implies that I was only seeking to fulfill myself as an idea, as a personality that feeds off of knowledge and information as ‘who I am,’ wherein I projected such value toward others and measuring people/ potential partners/ partners according to their intellect – which means the more intelligent, bold, sharp, perceptive and shrewd = the better within the values that I placed as valuable in another, as that which I wanted to be which I never allowed myself to stand one and equal to.

 

I realize that the ability they had to communicate, interact, and establish relationships with people with great ease is what I saw I lacked therefore, wanting to stick to/ adhere and almost absorb such abilities by being with them, wherein I stopped living my life but only being the faithful companion that would ‘stick’ to them like a shadow trying to live through them a life that I thought was not possible for me to live.

I see that at least the longest relationships were with people that knew lots of people and I desired that as well but I would see myself believing that it was impossible for me to do, because of the plethora of judgments that I would project to others in my secret mind. And it was only when being in these relationships that I learned to be more open and less elitist in my mind. Yet, it was all within the context of ‘sticking to them,’ something like ‘the muse’ that is just there – adhering to their lives and not really developing my own skills, because of me being comfortable to stand as the wallflower within the general social interactions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel utterly uncomfortable many, many times that I did not really want to adhere and go everywhere with partners, yet I would go because of fearing ‘missing out’ on something or just not wanting to be alone, wherein I would then just ‘swallow’ everywhere I had to go to with them and within this asphyxiating myself by fearing exerting my desire to just not go to their house and be by myself, I actually feared displeasing them somehow with this, just because of the habit that I created of always being ‘there’ and being the eternal mostly quiet companion.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having defined me as an ‘addition’ to another’s life and call that a relationship, wherein I deliberately diminished my interaction with the rest of my world, simply because I had obtained the recognition and acceptance I was looking for by another that wasn’t valuing myself for me being a particular character in school or in my family, but apparently liking me for ‘who I am. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere to the conditions and “agreements” that were never spoken in terms of having an actual relationship with another, for an extended period of time and not even knowing what it was. Such ‘not knowing’ is what lead me to create this fear and uncertainty because of fearing losing such relationship, because there was no commitment or spoken agreement at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to mold and fit myself into another’s life wherein I became supple and submissive when it came to living the routine of seeing each other, which meant that I adhered to another’s schedules and plans wherein I had no excuse or justification to not go because I didn’t have a ‘life of my own,’ and in that, completely agreeing to just do as they said, go with them wherever they had to and just ‘be there,’ because in my mind it was much better than being alone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deify the particular ideal of partner that I had created and fueled throughout my life from an early age and when getting that particular person in reality, which meant like winning the jackpot in my life at the time, I absolutely got blinded by this ideal and extreme desire that I had built toward another one, which lead me to absolutely neglect all the actual experiences of fear and subtle self-abuse because of believing that I could be easily replaced and me fearing losing that relationship after all the time that I had desired to be with such person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick/ adhere to another’s ‘rules’ and morals within a relationship, wherein I just adhered to it without a question, even though they absolutely bothered me. I kept quiet about it out of fear and within that application, I built my own fear trap, wherein I kept myself in absolute petrification to lose that relationship, just because of not wanting to stir any conflict or be threatened to be left alone if I didn’t want to comply to a certain ‘interaction rule’ within such relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absolutely stick to another’s words and immediately be influenced by another’s living-rituals and perspectives about life, beliefs, entire mannerism and general stance toward people/ relationships and the world in general, wherein I would immediately adapt to ‘their way of being,’ while just sticking to ‘my part’ of being the faithful muse that is just there whenever they want and in that, absolutely neglecting/ diminishing and belittling myself, just because of the amount of time I spent just ‘there’ by their side, instead of being comfortable with myself, alone. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to hide and completely submit to a living condition wherein apparently, another must satisfy me in all ways, and vice versa which is the way wherein dependency is created within relationships wherein an initial search for fulfillment is tampered with the belief of ‘being complete’ only when being in a relationship with another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to represent a loyal companion and create a religion out of a relationship wherein I made sure I would feed my obsession and another’s obsession for the sake of keeping up and energetic relationship going on, wherein no actual self-support to stop any personalities was ever considered.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been submissive in relationships wherein I adhered to he ways and ‘rules’ of interaction as silent agreements that were never questioned by me, but only complied because of believing that ‘another knows better’ and ‘is more experienced’ and in that, simply suppressing myself every time out of fear of creating unnecessary conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ stick to the rules of the game, wherein no actual consideration of what’s best for all was considered and I allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘alright’ and that ‘I didn’t care’ as long as I could be in that relationship, but obviously it did matter and eventually became unsustainable the very moment that I started speaking up, which I’m glad I did to finally take off the blindfold of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual view upon events and moments, people, environments in the moment just to not create unnecessary conflict, but instead buried that conflict within myself in fear of triggering conflict and having to experience another’s wrath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stick to the rules of convenience placed by another, and followed/ accepted by me in a blind manner wherein all I could do is continually judge another while presenting a nice façade that could be affable and amicable toward others in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adhere/ conform to relationship woes and the opposite as fun and enjoyment as a usual aspect of having to ponder mood all the time wherein the acceptance of playing a particular mood and role in any given moment would lead me to be an absolute unbearable pain in the ass toward another, wherein I would only be speaking and spewing out backchat that I was not naming for what it is, but disguised it and used other points to let it out, which made no-sense and created rifts that I knew were absolutely ridiculous in nature, but I stuck with it as a way to voice out my general complain and discomfort within the relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed such relationships with no consideration to what I knew I was experiencing, yet hiding because of fearing losing that relationship after all the time invested on desiring that specific relationship, within the belief that I finally had a person depending on me which I deemed as valuable within the ‘I can’t live without you’ type of codependency that emerged from both parts, wherein within my fear of letting someone down, I allowed myself to become addicted to and allow another to become addicted to me in an equally noxious pattern wherein both avoided being alone.

 

I forgive myself for having ever accepted and allowed myself to use another being as an obsession and addiction that sought to be fulfilled all the time, while  fearing being alone, fearing letting another down and creating innumerable moments of unspoken discomfort for having compromised myself and each other to be constantly wanting to make each other ‘happy’ through any means wherein, it becomes an ‘act’ of living instead of just actually living our lives and sharing them in an equal manner.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mock my own patterns and habits of the past, because of how I lacked common sense, without realizing that we have lacked common sense from the very moment we separated ourselves from the whole and created an experience that we gave a name to in such moment, it’s the same point yet translated to a usual relationship mechanism of co-dependency and obsession and remuneration to satisfy each other’s needs. 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within adhering to another’s lifestyle, ways of being, I made myself believe that another knew better and that I should just ‘go with the flow’ because at least it was something different and unlikely to happen in my own life, which is when I believed that living was accumulating adventures and experiences that could lead us to then have something to talk about.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to prefer adhering to another’s life, instead of having ever considered establishing my life in a parallel mode toward another, wherein actual self-support is established, and there are no dependencies toward one another in these subservient and dominant roles.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feed another’s obsessions and my obsessions wherein all that was sought to be generated was a ‘feel good’ experience that had to be kept up all the time and in that, compromising myself until it was not bearable and had to be stopped.

 

I realize that I compromised and suppressed myself completely in every single moment that I would only nod and not speak up, and that it became a ‘prop’ for my personality because of others thinking and believing that I was rather calm and peaceful and ‘quiet’ by nature, when in fact I was only hiding and suppressing the actual expression that would come up in the moment but that I hid in the name of complacency and within wanting to avoid all discord possible in the relationship.

 

I commit myself to Add-Here to myself wherein I make sure I never again create relationships based on only adhering myself to someone else’s life, wherein I become like a comfortably numb shadow that is just ‘there’ all the time, instead of actually valuing myself and my living reality as an individual that certainly doesn’t require to be ‘with someone’ to be complete, fulfilled or even enjoying myself – I realize that within living only as an ego/ personality that sought to be fulfilled, I missed the actual hereness that is here as myself as my being that doesn’t require to be with another to be fulfilled.

 

I commit myself to add-her as adding me to the equation (in an equal matter to be redundant) of any relationship wherein actual agreements of self support are established, where I can finally stick to living by principle and not by fears, preferences, beliefs and opinions of who I must be in order to be liked/ accepted by another/ others. I realized that any compromise in the past cannot exist here as what I realize now I am and how there can be no value that I can obtain from another, because this is about me – facing/ valuing self as a living being that is equally here as everyone else.

 

The point we require to implement is actual self-support through spoken/ worded self-agreements wherein all parts involved can live by the principle of conviviality as self-support with established self-agreements in self honesty wherein who we are is honored, respected and supported to develop to the utmost potential, because that’s what we are all here to be and do, in order to finally let go of all limitations, suppressions, fears and judgments toward one another of the past.

 

I realize that within adding ‘Here’ to any agreement and relationship, I take the whole into consideration wherein it is about me establishing myself as an equal part of the whole that works with others to establish relationships/ agreements of self support to for the first time, change the way that human beings have related to one another wherein no feelings, no emotions, no beliefs, no manipulation, no complacency, no fears are involved within the relationship equation, but are left completely aside to establish an actual physical agreement wherein all parts involved are equally considered and supported to establish effective communication and within that, living to the utmost potential that we all see and realize we are capable of If and when establishing a living principle as ourselves first, individually.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

journeytolife

 

 

Blogs of the Day:

Judgement Day: DAY 14
Day 14: Do you Love Breakups?
Day 15: Who am I? Prisoner of the Mind?

 

 


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