“Whoever is the cause of another becoming powerful, is ruined himself for that power is produced by him either through craft or force; and both of these are suspected by the one who has been raised to power” – Niccolò Machiavelli
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the illusion of power and hierarchy as part of ‘who I am’ and ‘how reality operates’ without realizing how within this acceptance, one gives way to laws, rules, regulations to dictate one’s life through politics, through laws, through so-called education systems that in no way have inculcated living principles, a living understanding of who we are as living beings that are made of the same substance – instead, I accepted and allowed myself to learn of the differences, the hierarchy, the power structures, the laws to abide to, following the education system to the T and believing that such structure was created in the best interest of myself, my life, the life of others and of this entire reality, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own responsibility to myself, to others, to this world through immediately giving up my ability to comprehend, realize, understand reality through physical living principles and instead, gave myself into knowledge and information, rules, supposed principles that I integrated as the way that I conceive and understand reality which I have used to lead myself through the world as a passive participant, believing that the existence of power in the political class was inherent to such structure that governs our lives
I realize that such power could have not existed if I hadn’t integrated the concept of hierarchy, authority, ruling powers, kings, presidents, monarchs, tyrants, dictators, magnates and any other position of power that implies a form of control and deliberate abuse in order to generate such power as the accumulation of ‘moreness’ at the cost of equality as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience powerlessness toward authorities/power structures not realizing that my own submission, fear and experiences toward the idea of something superior to myself, validates and enables the creation of such separation to exist as ‘how our reality operates’ – therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual existence of the system is not in the people outside of myself, but it exists within and as myself from the moment that I accepted thoughts, feelings, emotions and the entire comprehension of my reality in inequality as ‘how things are’ becoming the perfect slave and follower to whichever idea, construct and system that was formed from the beginning of our time and simply agreeing to give it continuation from generation to generation through education, culture as if such rules, ways, structures and systems were genuinely representing the laws of our being and what is best for all which was never so.
I realize that having a myopic view of the problem of the world in only focusing on one system, one area such as the offense-defense balances of political powers, the violation of human rights, the deliberate fraud the monetary system is are only consequential outflows of the inherent hegemon/ monarch/ king/ ruler/ leader/ tyrant and dictator that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the mind, as the system that is the source and origin of ‘all the powers that be,’ that is the real image and likeness of what our reality currently exists as because words themselves as laws, people themselves as actors, money printed with numbers are in essence just part of this reality no different to anything or anyone else and that as any tool, it can be used for the benefit of all OR for the detriment of all. In this
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the key to change the structures of this system resides in the mind of each individual human being, for it is to realize that the best laws can be written to guarantee the best living conditions to all, the best monetary system created as a tool to guarantee the access to all the necessary means to live in a dignified manner can be created, a proper structure to ensure the preservation and sustainability of the ecosystem, taking care of the flora and fauna, the best constitutions can be written, but unless the nature of the human being changes = nothing will change.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to life by integrating knowledge and information that directly separates, severs, divides, hierarchizes, abuses and confuses our relationship to one another as equals by nature and in this immediately giving into the belief that something or someone can genuinely have power over myself, which begins at a thought level and exists in that moment that we learn how we must follow rules, ways, laws, regulations or else we would be punished by god/ authority/parent/teacher/police/judges and any character that we accepted and allowed to perceive would have power over others through the threat of punishment, thus having to follow the laws, rules, regulations written by us humans that never have existed with a foundation of genuinely caring for all, but instead already replicating and mimicking our own learned – accepted and allowed – ways of thinking and conceiving reality through the mind, which is a system extracts life substance from the physical body to generate energy, using all means and ways to ensure that the power/ the energy is able to be obtained over life, deliberately using/abusing the physical, the life force to power up its own existence and continuation that was then prescribed as laws, rules, regulations, ‘principles,’ morality, ethics, philosophy, wisdom, religions, politics, science and any other form of acceptance of such premises to be ‘the reality’ of who we are, ‘how things are,’ immovable precepts not realizing they were in fact pre-sets, pre-determined and pre-defined ways to guarantee the submission of who we are as life to the mind, the power-system and believing ourselves to be only that: pawns in a system, having a purpose, fulfilling that purpose or else we would die/ we would be punished and cease to exist.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning, fear the non-existence of myself based on the threat of ‘the powers that be’ whether it is the figure of a god, ‘justice’, parent, teacher, tyrant, judge, dictator, president, director etc. which are nothing else but necessary figures of control in a system that required such fear to maintain ourselves subordinated to the status quo, the ‘how things are and always have been’ and according to this acceptance and allowance of our history, our knowledge and information, we became slaves to it with an inability to think outside the box, because we accepted the box as the vox/ the voice in our head, in our mind as ‘who we really are. ‘
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taint the meaning of authority with fear, with authoritarianism as the abuse of power instead of realizing that the authority of myself is the ability to direct and write myself to be a self-directive being in self honesty, using the real power that is the physical body to do so.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-authority as the ability to direct myself in common sense considering what is best for myself and all in the way that I live and relate to everything and everyone in this reality to an idea of having to be ‘loyal to the laws, loyal to authorities, loyal to my family, loyal to a country, loyal to myself’ as the pre-determined role of being a follower of the rules and regulations believing this to be something ‘good’ that would make me by default a ‘good citizen’ and as such, believe that this submission and subordination to become an obedient individual to ‘the powers that be’ would make me a remarkable, loyal and trustworthy person, without realizing it was exactly the opposite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in any form of superiority, subordination, inferiority, as the polarity in which our mind as the generator of this frame through which we view and conceive reality is existing as, which means that every time that I give my power away – which is the actual power of every breath – to a train of thought, to imagination, to an experience I am already recreating the slave-master relationship that I have existed as within myself, individually within the disparity that I’ve become as a body, a mind and beingness that has been suppressed by my constant and deliberate participation in the mind in the acceptance of it as ‘who I really am’ – this is then understood as the basic hierarchical relationship I’ve existed as within myself, therefore toward others as well.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from a very early age believe that the intention of the creation of governmental structures, nations, states, and all the ‘powers that be’ was to guard my life, the life of all living beings in this planet, thinking and believing that if there was an authority behind the creation of our education system, the supervision of what we eat/drink, the rules that we guide our lives with then we would be immediately safe and our interests would be secured, without realizing that any formation of a hierarchical structure was never meant to be supportive for all individuals, for the existence of a hegemon/god/powerful entity implies already the subordination and abuse of everyone else that does not form part of such superior structure/class/elite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that looking at political actors as the ones to blame is futile since we are the ones that from the beginning of our existence accepted the idea of god/superior, powers/ leaders and any other figure of power as ‘how society must function’ within the belief that we were incapable of taking care of ourselves, of genuinely understanding and exercising any form of self-governance – because we never pondered why we weren’t taking care of the matters of this world by our own hands – we became passive, complacent and subjugated to the laws, rules and regulations that we instead feared not following due to expecting any form of punishment for not doing so, instead of pondering why we had to follow rules that we inherently knew were not supportive every individual in equality and instead, gave into fear and decided to not question, not investigate, not challenge the way things are because in our own minds, we have never really been the actual director of our lives in every moment of breath, and instead gave ourselves into fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to integrate the belief that people in positions of power were ever placed in such positions to genuinely care for ourselves, to genuinely act in the best interest of all and within that, creating and developing a trust toward that which I believe was meant to ‘direct me in the best interest of all’ without realizing that this false conception has led us to believe that there were others taking care of ourselves and we then didn’t have to do anything about ourselves, understanding the structures by which our lives are governed – and instead focus on merely developing our individual lives accepting by default the limitation to ever aspire to get to any position of ‘power’ because in our education, in our comprehension of our reality such ‘realms of power’ were by default concealed of our understanding, leaving ourselves and conducting ourselves then to only conform, comply and ‘make the best’ of the limitations, the deliberate disparity and scarcity that we have lived in throughout our entire human history wherein as society, as human beings we have never coexisted as equals for we have always accepted and allowed the belief and idea that something or someone must be ‘on top,’ must be the one that ‘sets the rules,’ ‘makes the decisions’ and in this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent and lazy to learn or even care to establish proper foundations at a mind level to know how to live, act and direct ourselves in the consideration of what will be best for myself and everyone else equally, what will not harm or abuse others, what will support the sustainability of the relationships that enable life to continue, the relationship toward oneself as an equal part of such life – instead, we gave our ability to understand and comprehend the reality as physicality to the mind as the imposition of illusions made real through the violation of physical laws such as the notion of ‘power’ as something or someone “superior” defined by the ability to abuse, control, manipulate, deceive in self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the consequences that exist as the totality of this reality based on the abuse and harm justified and conducted by people in positions of power/authority acting within the framework of a ‘power structure’/ hierarchy/ world system, not realizing that in such blind acceptance al of us, one by one, have played and become the silent bystander that has witnessed the abuse of each other, of all life and did nothing because we believed and justified it with saying that ‘someone else was responsible for it,’ and in this even becoming resentful, hostile, angry and rebellious toward authority without realizing that we have only been angry at ourselves for the ignorance, the complacency, the subordination that we accepted as ‘who we are’ in our belief of being incapable of ‘doing anything about it’ –
And yes, it is now ingrained to the point where it may seem impossible to deconstruct the foundation of this hierarchical structure that exists in every word in/as our mind, yet it is definitely possible to establish common sense, to understand basic living principles that benefit us all and as such go bit by bit, thread by thread deconstructing the fallacy, the lie, the fiction, the belief system, the knowledge and information that we have used to justify our abdication of self-responsibility to ourselves and all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by condemning ‘the powers that be’ all that can be realized is how any and all forms of abuse and atrocities are not only conducted by the individual themselves, but as the pattern that has been accepted and allowed, integrated as part of our ‘human nature’ from the beginning of time wherein the way to survive was to abuse and through these survival mechanisms, we then followed through to create our institutions, our laws, our philosophy, our knowledge, our ethics and morals based on this premise wherein the inherent belief of hierarchy as a normal organization of life has become our very self-created demise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only through education about how the system operates, one is able to conduct change in the world, not realizing that this world as it is is the result of each individual’s participation in the system, as the system existing as the continuation of the past that exists within and as ourselves in the mind, harboring the basic premise and permission of the existence of direction as words in the form of knowledge and information that has never been existent to benefit the life of us all as human beings and our relationships toward everything that is equally here.
Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to look at the balance of power to create solutions outside of myself, without realizing that even if the best laws, the greatest and most equal form of government is implemented it is only the structure, the foundation of the system to be – however the actuality, the matter, the substance of the system is not existing in the laws which are only words, or in the positions of people in power that are only fulfilling a role within the greater scheme of such structure, it is existent in how each one of us live and interact with one another wherein basic principles are lacking in our interaction with and toward the environment/ the reality that we live in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by defining myself as the mind that thinks in hierarchical values, impose such values, such perception, such frame and filter through which I see reality upon everything and everyone else, giving up my ability to see directly reality, to direct myself and focus on sheer basic observation principles where there are no tags, no inherent differences that can make us think or believe that some are entitled to be and have ‘more’ than others.
This is how knowledge and information on how the system is structured is only viewing a blueprint, the map, and the map can be corrected to follow new ways in which we can direct ourselves to a better destination – we are the ones that have to change the route in fact, we are the ones that have to direct ourselves to actually walk that process of changing the route, the ways to walk it or else the map as the words, as the new proposals, new treaties, new constitutions, new laws, new presidents, new monetary systems as organizational structures, as genuine representations of our self-governance and self-authority will be useless and remain as depictions, as representations or ‘dead print’ unless we genuinely live them, incarnate them as the living principles that we should have always lived by and is only now that we are able to see beyond the ‘mindframe’ that we’ve always existed as that we have the opportunity to change the way we conceive our reality, to understand how authority is not something imposed onto ourselves, but how each one of us accepted and allowed hierarchy to exist within and as ourselves first, otherwise it would have not been successful once such ‘authority figures/ powers that be’ would be created i n reality if we didn’t have the proper mindset to understand, to conceive and comply to the existence of such authority-figures/roles as part of our reality, as ‘how things are,’ never questioning why we required others to take care of ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through the blind acceptance of teachings/education as the integration of ‘how things work in reality’ I became a complicit in the malfunctioning, the abuse and the violation of life in the name of merely complying and not questioning my life nor that of others which means that through this blind acceptance I became part of the necessary continuation, perpetuation of the structures of power and abuse by the sheer integration of words such as power, government, authority, control, fear, justice, laws, education, family and all roles of ‘authority’ contained in them as ‘how things work,’ ‘who I am toward others’ and in this locking myself down as just another pawn within the system that gives power away to others in the belief of others caring for myself and guarding my best interests, which is as we know not at all so.
I realize that in order to conduct genuine change in this world, looking at politics, looking at economics, looking at education as isolated systems is not the way to create a change because change won’t happen just by re-writing the laws, codes, books and explaining how things operate to everyone because what matters is the decision that each one of us take in order to live and integrate the living principles of life in equality with which we will conduct ourselves to live the necessary changes and corrections to the way in which we have lived thus far.
I realize that the lack of common sense and living principles is what has propitiated our submission and compliance to “learning” how to view this world through the mind, through concepts, through value structures, through hierarchical orders instead of learning how to view each individual as an equal, each living being in this reality as part of who we are and as such realizing that in order to be able to organize ourselves, to direct ourselves, we don’t require another to tell us what to do, but instead we have to live by principles of no harm or abuse toward ourselves or others as well as self-responsibility as our ability to respond, to act, to direct ourselves and our lives in consideration of what’s best for all.
When and as I see myself viewing the power structures in this world as something greater than myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is the outflow and consequence of my own psychological conditioning, called education which is nothing else but the acquisition of knowledge and information that enables me to accept and allow any form of authority, abuse, power, to exist in this world as ‘how things are’ which is thus an individual process of compliance that has taken place wherein we have learned how to ‘cope with the system’ and ‘accept the status quo’ instead of directly seeing how and why we have come to accept such world-orders without a question, to begin with, and realizing how such ‘power’ only exists in the belief I have imposed upon them/upon the structure and system in itself the moment that I abdicated my own.
I realize that my understanding of reality through the filters of education, politics, economics, philosophy, religion has created the entire continuation of this entire system by living within the compliance of their existence as dogma, as how things are and operate, how everything has always been with which we have become passive participants in the continuation of the same cycles of negligence toward life, over and over and over again.
I commit myself to stop any experience when I believe I have no say upon/ have no power/ have no authority to direct a point, instead of realizing that we can only have power to direct ourselves to be the living example of what it is to live in consideration of all beings as equal, the best living forms and ways in which we can coexist and how if our reality, our creation is not existing as the living principles that correspond to what is best for all, then we have to become that change and promote that change through the understanding of individual/ self’s responsibility within it all, realizing that by abdicating our responsibility = we give our power away and as such, we directly enable and validate any form of abuse that comes with the structure of power as something greater/superior than our individual volition.
I commit myself to live by principles that contemplate and integrate life in equality, what is best for all at all times so that no division, no separation, no judgment, no proselytism exists within me other than the living example of what it is to live by principles of life in equality, of the equality within and as everything that is here as myself and as such understanding my own mind, my own ‘brainwashing’, my own conditioning, training and point of control to then see how it is only through changing the way that I relate to myself, to my own mind, to my own thoughts and concepts about reality to go seeing what is useful and what isn’t to support myself and others to realize that if we want change, we have to be the change but that isn’t about demanding or only understanding how things operate, but focusing on self change, the how I live, how I interact with myself as my body and mind and with others always considering the ways in which we can coexist in real harmony and peace by ceasing to exist in the belief of powers over ourselves .
I commit myself to realize that the power we all have exists as the functionality of the physical body in every breath, and how we are able to have that authority of and as ourselves as we go integrating living principles that are the genuine way to have power in this reality, to learn how to live and coexist In equality.
I commit myself to restore or integrate a sound meaning of words that are not tainted by the mindframes/structures within which they have been originally constructed to support belief systems of separation and inequality, but instead are words that can be lived in a sound manner with a certain living outcome that is best for all.
I commit myself to understand the systems through which we have separated ourselves from ourselves, how we have created this creation so that we cease to recreate the same patterns and instead plan/integrate/initiate and ‘install’ a new living program, a new set of directions, new living instructions that are aligned to taking responsibility of ourselves and of each other as one and equal.
“Remember, whatever is faced or created within self – self is and has been the creator. Do not live in fear of what is here, understand it, realise self as it and assert yourself to stand-up for change, to not expose others as you to such a world – but create a world in which they will be embraced with equality and oneness and actual living”
– Bernard Poolman
“We accepted it”
Memory and the Soul as the Creator Intended (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 120
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Personal Recession Time: Survival Mode as Sadness, Anxiety and general sense of Belittlement. Everything that is ‘Up’ must go ‘Down’ – how having money/ lacking money defines our beingness and inner-stability to the point of it becoming a personality/ character in itself as an integral part of being/ feeling ‘secured’ or feeling like just another bag of meat and bones that must be fed and sent to school.
One thing is certain, when one is educated to follow through a particular ‘lifestyle’ based on having money and seeking for More money, even if taking an apparent dissident position do we in fact let go of such benefits that we’ve been used to living in. This is based on how as human beings we seek for the point of happiness in our lives in various ways, influencing our decisions in life only to realize after a while how we’ve made decisions based on Energy and Experience instead of physically informing ourselves of the potential outflows, projecting a possible result and outcome of our decisions if living our desires, wants and needs out. Unfortunately, this world is based on the immature consciousness decision-making aspect of ‘follow your dreams’ and within that, always constantly seek for the happiness point, the ‘high’ on life. which is then obviously seeking to get the most of a certain moment in order to feel better about ourselves. As we can see, there is no All as Equals considered in these equations or schemes, it is just a personal desire to fulfill that which we were taught to fulfill: happiness, joy, satisfaction, escalating social status, getting the most influential friendships in order to succeed in this world.
I have shared before how my days of having ‘bad times’ when I was a child – around 8-10 years old approximately – we simply had not as much money as before or have enough to go out to eat our out to ‘buy stuff’ and the regular ‘happy times’ that I had identified with ‘having money.’ To me such austerity measures meant sadness and gloomy times. I guess that part of my life when my father had severe financial troubles was the one that ‘marked’ me the most while growing up, having the uncertainty of for example, suddenly being able to lose it all, lose the house that we own, barely making it through every week, etc. And that’s also the time when I questioned ‘god’ the most and the spiritualist support we were supposed to have, like ‘why’ did this fraud happened to him? Why are we being tested? What is the purpose of being through this turmoil? What type of ‘karma’ are we paying here? And the same went on as there was a great robbery in his business which was like just another bomb being dropped in our financial stability. So, all that worry and concern about money affected me quite a Lot, I mean, that’s probably the time wherein I strived the most to ‘be like others’ and comparing my social status to other people’s and it was coincidentally enough around puberty – it was until my early teens that we got to a point of ‘betterment’ and things stabilized.
However, the questions remained: why did we had such unfortunate times? And this must be understood within the context of me simply losing the aspects that I had defined as part of the ‘good things’ in my life, like being able to go out and eat in a restaurant, being able to buy cd’s or clothes – but most importantly the general experience of ‘being alright’ which certainly was non existent as things turned quite gloomy at home for not having much money, having a constant uncertainty about our future, our properties, having legal problems as well as a desire for revenge toward the person that committed the fraud. Man, that’s where I learned how human beings can really justify evil talk because of someone doing something to you. Obviously I won’t disclose the words I would hear, but all I can say is that such desire for revenge was covered up with a sense of justice. I could not fathom it and even if I wanted to support my family I could still not experience that desire for revenge for whatever were the reasons that man committed the fraud against my father. I learned then about debts and having debtors, lol till this day I remember the names of the people because my father would mention them a lot and cursing while speaking about them of course, I mean yes they owed him lots of money and they all lead us through a financial turmoil, and it was as if ‘our happiness’ then had been stolen from us by ‘them’ – although as everything, it takes two to tango: there were also measures not taken from my father’s side to avoid such situations. The problem back then was: he trusted people easily. Bad Idea.
Now, why am I exposing all of this – to see how everything that I have defined as bad, negative, awful, stressful and general gloomy time of my life was linked to Not having money – or not having ‘as much as’ we used to or perceived that we had before that, and how seeing my father in a constant state of worry and concern lead me to mimic his experience. I became quite uncertain myself, like ‘insecure’ as the entity of ‘money as power’ was not ‘here’ as part of my personality, as the overtly joyful kid that I was. I became more quiet and isolated at that time as well. So, I was quite aware of how much the lack of money can affect you in your ‘beingness’ to the point of just feeling like some scum of the Earth. Oh dear, I remember, this was the time wherein I created a massive self-rejection and wanting to ‘not exist any longer’ because that would mean ‘less expenses’ for my father – I had completely forgotten about this, I wanted to at some point even write it out like deciding that only 4 people were enough in my family and that I simply did not have to exist as my school’s tuition fee would then be saved as well as my food and everything else. These were actual thoughts I had for quite a while, and never really told anyone about it either. I was quite a young child and ‘wanting to help’ – though obviously I was only really victimizing myself further instead of seeing any real form of solution.
From then on, I became the ‘austerity measures’ character if you will, always seeking the lowest prices, creating the ‘least expenses’ for my own survival and generally belittling myself to the ‘I’m not worthy of this’ type of experience, which later on became part of myself as a personality in itself, how fucked up is that? This can be the origin of it as well as some physical comparison/ image presentation comparison points/ aspects that I began becoming more aware of as I went growing up, which were blatantly quite obvious to me: rich people were the beautiful people. All of this signifies one thing: money and looks determined how I would FEEL and how I would See myself. It became quite obvious that not having much money and not having what I perceived as perfect looks meant being ‘less than’ and all the inferiority complex kicked in – hence isolation, hence believing that I was just a nuisance and an equivalent to ‘money expenses’ only, a burden, hence my desires to just not be such a nuisance any longer, I really would over-react and be quite extremist in my self-experience which is part of that which is in the past but still here, as I would see a similar character emerging in a place wherein I was being supported and becoming extremely anguished and stressed out when knowing there were financial problems, making the problem the totality of ‘who I am’ and going into this downward spiral almost automatically, not wanting to be a burden , going into sadness due to how I defined my ‘beingness’ according to having money.
So, this is for now the background that I have laid out as part of the counter act to the elitist character which is: suddenly losing all these benefits and going into a ‘recession’ at home, as well as the crisis that I became very aware of in the second half of the 90’s, not only at home but generally in our country, getting to see people that apparently had even gotten cancer out of not being able to pay for their houses and realizing to what extent money defined our ‘well being’ in all ways, fucked up beyond measure. And so, I will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application in the Following posts.
Support the Equal Money System so that any form of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in our reality are not an aspect that defines who we are and how we live and experience ourselves, but becomes a living certainty of being supported from birth to death until we Die. That’s the law of our being that must be implemented in this world. No more survival mode – Support Life in Equality.
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Within looking at specific examples of how I would turn a moment of interaction/ communication with others, I can see how the positive and negative experiences that I have held toward people have been based upon whether the communication was suiting a particular preference/ ideal of a ‘good time’ or not.
The communication that goes on with our parents –or the lack thereof – defines one big chunk of our lives in relation to how we then perceive communication to be either a positive or a negative experience, which involves a set of factors that have to be clarified in order to see how much of our expression is actually tainted and conditioned by factors that go beyond a sheer compatibility aspect – but involve familial, economic, social and cultural standards that are shaped according to ‘how reality works’ within this world system.
A point I’ll be walking is a particular way of communicating with my father with whom I spent less time with throughout my life in terms of engaging in conversations and having only specific moments/ events as patterns that repeated throughout our interaction when I was living with them at home.
Thus, within exposing the factors behind our communication the point is to see how the way we define a person in our reality is based on the bonds that are formed with them according to, in this case, familial bonds wherein the financial aspect of support is/ was dependent on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the communication with my father in the car as usual/ routinely and filled with complains, wherein I know that he will agree with me because of him being similar to myself which is how I have defined communication according to a format-like questionnaire based on survival-questions that lead to short answers that ensure we simply communicate ‘what’s necessary’ and avoid talking anything out of the usual: money, weather, traffic, work and school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to react positively to his question about me getting enough money to live throughout the week, which is how and why I would keep the communication in ‘good stand’ as this will ensure that I can continue getting his support as in being a ‘good daughter’ that is able to have a cordial relationship with their parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively toward him ‘always asking the same questions’ wherein I am only wanting to have things ‘go my way’ in communication, while being annoyed because of having to explain myself and answering the same questions over and over again, apparently, which wasn’t really so as I was really only making a big deal out of it in my mind as unnecessary friction and conflict by sticking to the same pattern I would complain about, without realizing that I am in fact able and capable of stepping out of the usual script and establish a real point of communication with another, regardless of ‘who they are’ in my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate communication with my father based on experiencing a sense of tension and discomfort within myself, which is how I have compromised my communication toward others wherein I place them as certain characters that I depend on to survive and as such, I act according to how I have judged the characters as a ‘necessity’ in my reality – which is how I created my own barriers to ever communicate with my father/ parents based on an equal and one relationship, as I always saw them as the ‘authority’ that I had to respect and keep a ‘good standard’ toward, just like a credit account relationship: you keep your account in ‘good standing’ in order to be able to get more credit/ be trust worthy in order to continue surviving in our world and reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this point of compromise within myself which adds up to all the relationships in our world that are based on self-interest and in sustaining the same world-system wherein because of money and the relationships that are required in order to survive- in this case family-structure – we compromise each other to deceive and manipulate in order to continue being supported and ‘secured’ in a world wherein that which is required to live is not given unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable within remaining silent when being with another being in a car, which I have associated this with previous experiences wherein I would fear ending up in silence due to experiencing the same discomfort about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because we remained in silence I had to keep up a conversation out of fear of having ‘nothing to say’ and that I would be judged for having ‘nothing to say,’ which was only a belief and perception as I in fact am able to establish a point of communication openly once that I start seeing ‘my parent’s as human beings that are able to communicate out of the format-like bounds of father/ mother characterization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment because of wishing I could have done something out of the routine to tell to another in means of creating a point of conversation, which is essentially a point of compromise out of fear of being seemingly ‘detached’ from the family/ not caring about them and as such, losing my father’s support to live.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a positive solution in ‘tense situations’ wherein my decision to enjoy it or not would be based on whether I was feeling compromised in the moment or not in a moment of communication that I perceive being staged and ‘format like’ from the get go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base an entire moment in my reality based on whether I was liking a particular type of music in order to define ‘who I will be’ within the communication according to whether I wanted to be complacent/ talkative or not – within this I realize how I would place conditions as to ‘who I am’ according to my own interests and suiting the moment to benefit me at all times.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘formal communication’ as politeness that I was ‘forced to’ instead of it being my actual decision to interact with visitors at home, wherein I would immediately react with discomfort when being called out to interact with others, without realizing that in fact it was fear of being later on scolded if I didn’t comply to my mother’s desires.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a grudge toward my mother for ‘having forced me to do things,’ without realizing that the moment that I accepted fear as a motivation to do so, I complied to her will and as such became a victim in my mind based on how I feared making my mother angry = losing my mother’s support at home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the interaction with visitors as a negative experience based on my starting point for such interaction in the first place, wherein I went into a defense-mode just because of believing and perceiving that I was being ‘dragged’ into the communication without me in fact wanting and/ or being fully willing myself to interact with others unconditionally, but did it based on feeling obliged to, which is why and how I would create and project thoughts about others’ experience toward the point of communication with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience toward my mother whenever visitors would come home because of remembering how I was always forced to go downstairs and interact ‘against my will,’ without realizing that I simply complied to participate every time out of fear, out of not wanting to be scolded and/ or exposed in front of the visitors as this ‘ranch person’ that does not like communicating with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then judge silence as a positive experience with my partners in the past based on the memory of how irritated and angry I would get when having to interact in ‘forced communication’ with others, without realizing that such enjoyment was a polarity experience to the past – hence it wasn’t never really a positive experience, but only a counter part to a negative experience I’ve had in the past with my family members.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having chosen partners that were deliberately the type of opposite ‘stereotypes’ from the people that I knew my mother wanted me to end up with in a relationship, which became a spiteful pattern that had to be played out in secret, just because of how my mother would disapprove from the partners I had, which was both a negative experience for having to be hiding – a positive experience based on how I would feel like I was finally ‘rebelling’ to the obliged experiences I went through with my mother, without realizing that I was then only acting and making decisions in spitefulness toward my mother and never in fact making an informed decision based on what is best for me to be and do within the consideration with whom it is best for me to establish a relationship with, without holding on the anti-stereotype of ideal partner in order to annoy my mother as I have realized how within wanting to spite my mother = I only ended up spiting myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately play ‘the silent one’ when being out with my mother just because of knowing how she would always push me to communicate with people and enjoys talking, generally, which was who I was within the ‘rebellious character’ that held a huge grudge toward her because of not having ‘approved’ of the relationships I created in my life. Thus I became the ‘rebel’ just to prove her that I could do things ‘my way’ without requiring her permission, only later on realizing that because my starting point of such relationships was based on spitefulness = I ended up spiting myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘positive experience’ whenever I was able to establish communication with my father in a silent manner, which means for example: being able to ride in the car listening to music that we both liked, which would ensure a positive silent experience without realizing that in such moment, I was only keeping things ‘okay’ in order for us to not go into further points of communication that could turn out more insidious in terms of actually getting to know each other and as such, lose the ground of the format like communication between father and daughter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately control a particular moment of interaction with another based on ‘who they are’ within my world as the character they represent in my reality, wherein I will then adjust, manipulate, shape and mold my expression in a way to ensure that my survival is not threatened, as I knew that if I presented myself as detached or even sharing myself too openly, I would have to take responsibility for my words and the consequences thereof.
Self Corrective Statements:
When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I will be’ in a point of communication according to who I perceive the other being to be as a particular character within my life/environment – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to practically establish a point of communication to any other being based on common sense: the realization that we are human beings that live in the same world, facing the same consequences of our creation and as such, I see that communication in common sense as self support is the key to establish a point of awareness within myself and another of an actual way to interact and share that which is usually suppressed under shallow talk.
I commit myself to be and become the example of how communication can be established without holding any ‘character’ in place, but instead, establish a platform of self support for myself and another being regardless of ‘who the being is’ as I realize that the moment that I assess ‘who’ they are, limitations, barriers and obstacles are created in the mind according to what I have deemed as appropriate/ inappropriate to share with others. I establish myself as the point of unconditional expression in order to support myself and others to do the same and as such, practically change the way we interact with one another.
When and as I see myself manipulating my communication in order to get a positive experience and/ or remain in a ‘good stand’ toward the other person, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to in fact step out of the point of compromise through allowing myself to share and communicate openly, without fearing losing any form of support, as I realize that only a threat toward another could cause any form of conflict – thus I realize that any fear that I had used in the past in order to not communicate with people in my family was only based on the ‘fear’ of ‘who I am’ toward them, which was manipulating, shaping and molding myself in order to not step out of character completely.
When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I am’ in a point of interaction with another based on wanting to be agreeable or distant in the moment to demonstrate my standing toward another being in that moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the times that I remain quiet as self-suppression means that I am in fact not genuinely having ‘nothing to say,’ but that I am deliberately suppressing myself because of fear of exposing myself, fear of establishing communication with another ‘out of the usual script,’ which is how I had bound myself to remain as a locked-door at all times, simply because of believing that my very life would be ‘at risk’ if I would enable me to be open and sharing in an equal manner toward other beings.
When and as I see myself experiencing tension when remaining silent during a conversation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not real silence then, but self-suppressive silence that I can open up for myself in order to see how and why I have manipulated myself and within that realize that the point of correction is not to remain silent out of fear or deliberate self-suppression, but is instead direct myself to speak in the moment according to that which emerges in common sense from within me that I find it cool to share in/as self support.
When and as I see myself deliberately hiding to not face people in my environment in order to avoid communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have created such a resistance based on the idea, belief and perception that ‘I must interact with them,’ which is stemming from the memory of my mother asking me to do this when I was a child.
When and as I see myself feeling compelled to speak, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a usual mechanism of self-manipulation wherein I am in fact not being self directive as in making the decision to live, but I am in fact only wanting to restrict myself to a certain type of communication with another from the starting point of reaction.
When and as I see myself being forced/ dragged along to communicate – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism wherein I am only manipulating myself to interact with others based on the belief that ‘others made me do it,’ as if I had not the voice and ability to decide who I am going to be communicating with and clearing the starting point of it at all times.
When and as I see myself categorizing silence as a form of communication based on having suppressed an actual point of expression in fear of ‘getting out of character,’ I stop and I breath, I realize that the point of enjoyment of such silence stems from us actually playing out the same ‘silent character’ wherein we only talk the necessary and prefer to ‘be silent in our minds’ instead of sharing our self-experience, our day today living circumstances, as I realize that communication is the key to get to know ourselves and others in order to become effective within all that we do.
When and as I see myself imprinting a particular character to my communication, such as being the ‘daughter,’ or being the ‘rebellious’ one, I stop and I breathe – I realize that who we are as human beings are able to care for one another without having to play a character in someone’s mind in order to exist.
This is to realize how instead of having allowed myself to communicate myself unconditionally, I simply became pliable and manipulated myself in order to ensure that my survival – in this case financial support by my father – was not able to be disturbed/ damaged if I would establish a point of communication in equality, because of an underlying fear and limitation wherein I believed that I could not possibly communicate in equality with my father, because of having placed him as ‘my authority’ and as such, I had to tip toe around our communication, keeping it ‘safe’ in order to not create any ‘unnecessary’ friction or conflict, without realizing that in this I simply refrained myself from being able to establish a point of equality with my father which is in fact a possibility to establish once that I have directed myself to talk to both of them as equals, outside of the father/ mother relationship I had caged them into.
I realize how communication is limited and restricted by oneself whenever there are other interests and familial aspects existing as a character limitation that is defined according to how we have built our societal hierarchies between parents and children, wherein we bind ourselves to only see another person as a character in our own life-schemes instead of considering them as one and equal.
I see, realize and understand that we will be able to in fact communicate as equals when and as we realize that the family system only exists as another form of compromise and enslavement to keep a system of hierarchy in place – therefore within establishing beings in an equal and one stance toward one another, we see that we are in fact able to become much more than just characters surviving each other in the old-familiar ways and instead, get to know ourselves as who we really are, as beings that are able to instead practically establish solutions for our accepted and allowed ‘differences’ and as such, become part of the new way of living on Earth.
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Equal Money System so that our relationships and communication won’t ever be tainted by a relationship of survival any longer.
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