Today after listening to the Whale interviews – which supported me to also get back ‘down to Earth’ after getting pissed off at irresponsible situations going on ‘at home’ – I realized how Thinking is Self Interest even if such interest in this case is getting pissed off and KNOWING IT – and still acting out on it – furthermore I realized how through thinking we have denied/closed off and diminished ourselves to only see a VERY limited version of our reality, we get stuck on a minute version of what WE are able to see, realize and understand and experience in our minds only, while there’s an entire existence going on in this reality with beings that are far more aware than ourselves about us human beings and this entire existence while we simply decide to annihilate and exterminate animals for whatever reason we might ‘think’ it is appropriate to do so. Wow, really, wow – and all of this I realized after going through one of Marlen’s greatest fears: finding a house absolutely dirty after I leave for only a week after several months.
1st point: my ‘plans’ were disturbed (pattern of getting out of routine/ expected future projection) the moment that I came in and saw the mess – and decide that I have to clean it up as there is no way I can leave the mess as is for one more second.
– – Thoughts: I cannot possibly let this all remain as is, it is unbelievable, I have to clean it all up
— Imagination: this existed as an image that came up during the first hours of the day and future projecting myself being back home, in my ‘work space’ and focusing on my tasks.I was aiming at getting back home early and get back on track to everything that I had to do – instead, I spent hours cleaning and arranging what was ‘my own fear/ nightmare’ in terms of precisely having evading leaving the city for
1. wasting time
2. coming back and finding an entire mess in the house – kitchen specifically as I obviously have no say in people’s rooms
– I leave and everyone just stops giving a fuck about cleaning at all
– this is WHY I don’t like fucking leaving the house, everything turns into a mess when I’m not around here
– why can’t THEY take Responsibility for cleaning up after ALL THIS TIME!
– It is IMPOSSIBLE that at this stage, they are STILL doing this even though they KNOW it is unacceptable
-WHY Can’t they just have a BIT of consideration
– And endless coursing that ‘I KNEW’ I was shouting out loud
Yes, anger, I have written about it for a long time – and even remembering when I was so surprised when anger was like a point that I had simply covered up with an image of ‘Everything is just fine in the world!’ and when getting to see the actuality of it all, anger emerged – suppressed realization of what I had deliberately neglected/ dismissed in my reality and then deliberately acting upon anger itself. Yes, Deliberately – and this can lead to Who am I as Deliberate acting-out in anger?
What are the physical points within this mind-cleaning-demonic-possession frame of mind within acting out in anger: Grabbing all the dishes piled up on the sink with all the food clogging the tube and tossing them into a wooden box, grabbing the cleaning gloves, sponges, detergent/ cleaning liquid and spilling it all over the stove, tables, sink to start scrubbing away the ‘dirt’ – every spot I would turn my eyes to, I’d find just some other fine mess – gather all the rotting organic garbage out of the kitchen, take out the trash, grab broom and start sweeping to then mix water and literally throw water on the floor to clean it, all of it while cursing and pushing stuff that would be deliberately ‘standing on my way.’ It’s not the first time that happens and I have ‘vowed’ myself to stop it, however in my mind the self-righteous point of ‘I CAN get angry because there is No responsibility taken’ emerges. The backchat in such moment was actually spoken out loud, and – here comes the point -‘I KNOW/ I KNEW’ that I was doing it, I was ‘perfectly aware of it’ – then, why didn’t I stop? – I have written about self-righteousness when getting angry about abuse, and so I had the opportunity to ask Enlil today about confusion with regards to this righteousness to be angry and the relationship formed when facing any situation of abuse. Yes, Enlil, Mr. Relationship-formations co-founder of humanity Inc.
Marlen, lol – seems you really want to be/become angry at abuse –
that’s cool, meaning that is a ‘first step’ – but what happens when you get angry is that the abuse wins, because you react – the same as when bullied, for example –
you react in terms of what the bully intended, the bully wins, the system is throwing things at humanity’s face essentially to have you react, cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment,
and every time you react – you react, and don’t use the time in-between to stand / establish solutions, everyone is in some way or another angry and always have been, but there come a time when the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry
what does determine self is what you walk to change it in the actions you live
the anger, it’s also an interesting point because in a way one rather want to get angry than having to admit to the point that it’s going to take time to change; like we don’t want to go to that realisation that it’s going to take time, there’s nothing one can do about it RIGHT NOW – so it’s a fear of going into that realisation, that it is too late to change it all NOW, and that it’s going to be a process and so we get angry, more at ourselves really and the sense of powerlessness we experience; but you cannot let the anger/powerlessness diminish you
– Pointer to look at within this context:
–I Expected ‘them’ to Already Know that they Have to clean/ take the trash out/ leave the kitchen clean before leaving for the weekend
– I ‘hoped’ it would happen, I believed that I didn’t have to remind them because I ‘assumed’ that they are aware of what they have to do after (adding more ‘charge to the possession’) 2 years of being living together
— I was aware of being angry and deliberately deciding to shout and curse in that moment – who am I within this moment and this split second decision? I take the point of being righteous as the mind and decide to get possessed by the moment, wherein, as Enlil clarified: cause the moment you react, you’re powerless cause the mind takes over in that moment, and this justified from the self-righteous desire to say: “It is Unbelievable that they Still haven’t gotten the point, they can’t be self-responsible about their own shit”
What do we have? Anger projected at others within the realization that I in fact ‘expected’ others to act/ be / do what I expected them to do, realizing that after ‘all this time’ they haven’t changed and still require policeman in the head to change – believing that because we’ve had confrontations about the same cleaning thing in the past, they would ‘learn’ from it and change, meaning: this time ensuring they do take care of their own stuff while I’m not at home – Believing that we have ‘matured’ our relationship as house mates and they were ‘doing better’ now – in terms of being more considerate – Believing that 2 years would be enough to change an entire lifetime of personal habits of cleaning just because of ‘being living here’ – believing that they would read notes on the wall of what to do and what not to do, not realizing we as humanity have done all of this and taken it to the next level of negligence, sometimes or the majority of the times.
And if I actually look at it from the perspective Enlil shared here, it was me in fact feeling ‘powerless’ because they were not at home for me to exert my anger onto them and shout in from of their face – as I write I realize that I am trying to bring up other points like them leaving the door of the house open in order for me to get some condescending readers about this, but no. I realized how I was angry at myself for having expected the house to be a particular way – not meeting my expectations that were also a possibility to turn into a fear and so, some equations took place and I reacted to this point/ event that could have been the outflow.
Being Self-Honest, I was in fact angry at me getting angry at the exact same type of situations I thought I was ‘transcended’ or not as ‘reactive’ as before – however, I still went into it, I ‘did it anyway’ and as such, this deliberate acts have consequences for not having actually breathed through it and simply direct myself to still clean up everything as I had realized I would from the get go . My body hurts in various spots as I realize that any little strain it is as painful as having run a marathon in a matter of hours.
And if we look at the points wherein I am projecting blame on to others, it is in fact the exact same points we ALL do. I ‘know’ I should stop, but I ‘gave into’ the anger anyways – and it is a point that I see and realize is not to be further judged, but realized as a simple way to reflect how everything that we judge about others is in fact what I am doing within myself.
I also realize I can only react to such an extent if I have in fact accumulated negative energy-experiences as thoughts that I can only exert as a point of accumulation triggered by apparent ‘external factors.’ I see that in the moment that I saw the overflowing pile of dishes, I ‘made the decision’ to become possessed in anger – and it’s is a fuckup, yes but I am also seeing how it works, and this is also thanks to the Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews to see how we in fact do have a moment to decide who and what we decide to be and exist as in every moment: breath or a mind-possession taking over.
Thinking, becoming emotional, and justifying anger is still of the mind as only a mind can react according to its own parameters of what is dirty, what is abuse, what is ‘too much’ based on memory – so, it’s to remember:
the anger must be transcended, must take a breath, must realise it’s here and must realise it’s going to take time to change and self getting angry about it won’t change it, and doesn’t make self a better person for being angry
So, I’ll be walking the various points here now that I’ve laid out the plot, the spoiler and placed the point into perspective to see where and how shoving away our thoughts can also create an accumulation that awaits to be exerted at the least ‘provocation’ –
Is it really necessary to live this way? No, it is not living, it is only reacting as expected based on patterns – who do I decide to be: a predictable pattern or a physical body that decides to walk the points – any point – as breath?
I Choose Life. Self Responsibility at all times
7 Year Journey To Life
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to Understand who we are as the Mind, what we have done As the mind and our commitment to stop continuing this reality as is due to our accepted and allowed participation:
Ever wondered what Real Enlightenment can be? I discovered it today, the most humbling interviews are the ones directed by the Animal Kingdom at Eqafe, revealing ourselves how little-to-nothing do we in fact ‘know’ about ourselves – time to realize what is real, fellow humans:
A humbling series of explanations about LIFE, the animal kingdom, marine biology and human communication – this is the first seAssion with the whales and all you’ll end up realizing is how on Earth could we ever claim any form of ‘scientific evolution’ or human evolution for that matter while disregarding the beings that are in fact Aware of themselves as this entire existence – and what are we human beings doing onto them? We all know – Time to OPEN OUR EYES and Educate ourselves with something that has Never ever been shared in the history of humanity, it’s about time we HEAR what we never even ‘thought’ would be possible.