Tag Archives: teachers

418. Deschooling Ourselves: Why and How to Do it?

 

unlearn rethink

After watching Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves workshop video, I realized how important it is to be aware of how much of ‘who we become’ as a person in our society and in relation to others is shaped in and by the schooling system. To this, it would also be unfair to only look at school as the only one problem there is in our society, because schools were created by us human beings in the first place so there’s a human mind behind it all; albeit for all practical purposes, the idea of ‘education’ and the blind trust that parents confer to the schooling system makes of the schooling system set up the most easy way to actually justify integrating values, beliefs, behaviors, ways of thinking reality, ways of relating to others, ways of survival among one another where we are geared to continually having to prove ourselves to be ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’ in a system of standardized marks.

School is also the place where we come to first get in contact with people of different backgrounds, where our initial social clash begins which leads us to start inherently doing a process of preference over principle, which is how we come to build our very first friendships and relationships, where we as children do not  have a full awareness of us in fact being in a closed-system where one gets to be friends with people that could or could not afford some private/public school, and so already from there, we start classifying ourselves based on our socioeconomic background.

I have to say it is also unfortunately the place where parents place their most trust on within the systemically integrated belief that ‘whatever happens in school is just fine’ and that teachers and the government system behind it as education system ‘knows best’ – while parents mostly see this as some free time from their parental duty – or are deliberately also kept busier with long hours of work which is leading to unattended children growing up in front of TV’s, computers plugged into the myriad of boundless information on the internet and learning tricks about drugs and developing sexual deviances as a way to escape the inherent anguish of living in a world where parents must work 24/7 to get money to live, and where you as a child/youngster will invariably have to end up doing the same… I mean, who would not react to that expectative of one’s ‘future’ in this broken world? Yet we dismiss it and actually have come to blame schools, blame media, blame the government, blame parents and so as you can see blaming each other for the problems we have co-created in our society of which school is one great and pivotal pillar of.

 

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There’s a complete structural problem in our society and a large part of it has to do with how we haven’t questioned our sacred institutions like schools and the way they exist nowadays, which from my perspective are more like prisons or reformatory cells, they have always been the brewing ground for behavioral conditioning, human experimentation and indoctrination which goes unnoticed within the idea that there’s always an authority that somehow has a ‘greater understanding,’ because we place our trust on systems of validation, certification and quality-proof standards placed by some organization we’ve defined as government, which are a few individuals that have unfortunately proven to be easily bribed to rather arrange laws and regulations in a way where other individuals can be benefitted from it all – either for profit, for further population control or both. All of this apparatus of authority is currently quite skewed of course and it is rather alarming since school is the spot where kids are mandated to go to every single day – yet, even if kids do not go to a school per se, the same principles of it are still embedded in the way that we organize ourselves, in the way that we related with one another, in the way that we value ourselves, in the way that we choose what we want to do with our lives, in the way that we behave with our families and friends. The sheer idea of ‘education’ as it exists now is only a reinforce and catalyzer of essential mind and behavioral patterns that have existed within us as human beings since the beginning of our species, as they are all existent in the very core programming and functioning of our minds. So, what have we done then? We have only perfected the mechanism to make it a continuous mandatory process for kids to get to like/dislike certain things and make decisions based on, well, mostly fear of survival so that we can keep the same slave system mechanism running. But is it really the system that is the enslaving one? Or is it that we haven’t really realized where the real policeman ‘in the head’ resides in? Hint, the answer is already given in that question.

 

In Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves, a group of people walk through and expose all the behaviors, personalities, quirks and fears that they have become throughout their schooling years, wherein either one would stick to the rules and follow or dissent and rebel in whichever way possible, one would start valuing oneself according to the kind of work you deliver to the teacher, another would seek to prove the teacher wrong, another would seek be approved by them, another just wanted to break free and rebel against all rules… this also included some other more personal aspects like  because in school we also have mostly faced some of our most embarrassing or stressing moments.

I’ve shared before about crying over getting lost during math calculation exercise and not being able to keep track of it, getting so anxious that I burst into tears. From my experience, I’ve shared before about the usual pressure one would get when being ‘on the top’ and so having some classmates trying to ‘take me down/take ‘my place’ and directly letting me know how they would win over me and how they would see me fall and be glad for it, etc. All kinds of bullying also comes when being the one that sticks to all rules and does things ‘to the T,’ which to me for example later on became a way to simply dislike being used as an example for the class, which led me to then want to hide while  still wanting to keep my sense of public recognition. This influenced the way I shaped my main personalities: I started to desire being ‘cool’ for any other reason other than getting straight A’s …  and kind of a ‘rebel’ by liking non-popular things so that I could make it clear that I wasn’t ‘the teacher’s pet’ either for example.

All of these patterns are part of a lengthy self-investigative process that is contained in the pages of this blog as I’ve seen that most of the times when investigating any mind pattern, word or behavior, it invariably goes back to one of those ‘memories of schooling days’ and how some of the most ingrained fight or flight patterns, behaviors, attitudes, self-definitions like qualities and virtues, likes and dislikes as well as career choice a.k.a. who I wanted to be and become as a person, were shaped based on the same education system. To me it also involved a process of sharing a room with either 6 other kids in my first school and then moving onto being with over 35 in the following schools and universities, which is already quite a challenge when it comes to seeing how it is virtually impossible for teachers to be truly aware of students in large classes.

School becomes ‘the place’ where we are supposed to ‘find our ground in life’ and so, it’s quite obvious that we only become copies of the copies of stereotypes that we also acquire from the usual imprinting of professions we are supposed to go veering toward from an early age as part of the social-structure – however along with that, we got movies, TV shows imprinting a whole different set of values with which we believe we are in fact ‘making a free choice’ to do what we want, but we have never even questioned whether what ‘we want’ is in fact something we truly developed for ourselves or something we learned from school or saw on TV or internet.

In essence, we have never really been genuinely ‘ourselves’ as all we have become is copy of the copy of the coping and survival mechanisms we’ve shaped as personalities or professions, and that’s what I mostly have realized also when it comes to investigating myself and my ‘core personalities’ and how everything that I developed as ‘my personality’ was a collection of bits and pieces of popular counter-culture aspects along with a decision to antagonize the system no matter what, while remaining ‘safely’ in it at the same time since I would still like to be the obedient straight A person in school, lol, even if I tried to ‘rebel’ at the end… it just would not work as I couldn’t simply fathom myself being irresponsible at school which involved a sense of responsibility of ‘school being the one thing that I had to do as my main activity’ throughout the years.

What is behind that, for example? Fear of being punished, fear of being left behind, fear of losing my self-value and definition? Fear of losing my ‘throne’ as the first one in the class? Well, these points are definitely something that come to define ‘who one is’ based on a particular setting like school, where we actually acquire this way of thinking based on achievements, values, marks, behaviors and responsibilities that lie not within a common sensical practical outcome, but according to doing things the way they are asked to be done and according to a ranking system that is in no way based on the particular skills and abilities that are unique to each child, that is simply not part of our school system.

At the end of that Deschooling workshop by Eisenstein, the ultimate question remains: how to Deschool ourselves? And I simply realized that actually walking this process of self-investigation, of writing oneself to freedom, of developing self-honesty wherein we investigate our core patterns within ourselves is the best way to deschool ourselves, because in investigating our behaviors, our personalities, our fears, our manias, our weaknesses and strengths, our relationships, our friendships, our first traumas, our first embarrassments, our bullying experiences, our relationship to authority, our ability to learn, our qualities and deficiencies, comparison and judgment toward others, our discriminatory or empathic behaviors, our friendships, our enemies… all of these aspects that one actually gets to first live in school – most of the times – are part of what one can write out for oneself, investigating each pattern within the awareness of writing the experience out to identify how is it that one has limited oneself in such pattern.

So for example, if I had continued to only value myself according to what marks I would get in school, and feel ‘bad’ for getting a lower mark, then I would have continued to seek to get some ‘straight A’s’ or the equivalent way to get such ‘superiority validation’ somewhere else in my world, just because of not wanting to get to the opposite side of that and so lose my self-validation/recognition. So I had to work with understanding ‘who am I as recognition’ and the desire thereof, where am I not valuing myself, how have I accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to achievements at school? Or how have I believed myself to only be a brain that thinks well? Where am I not actually seeing myself beyond this limited valuing perspective and really seeing through a broader potential that I had probably and most likely would not have developed if I had continued to only stick to my personality and personal desires.

So, deschooling ourselves involves a practical and continuous application of walking a process to self-forgive and let go of all the plethora of perceived flaws, definitions, beliefs, limitations, fears and rather work with developing real self-value, real self-acceptance and skills to develop ourselves to our utmost potential. In this, for example, I had to stop the desire to be recognized by others, while at the same time also walking the opposite polarity – because, as one walks one pattern you also get to understand how the mind works in polarities. And so I realized that along with my desire to be recognized, I also got to fear being recognized and so actually sought to ‘hide’ or become a rather ‘low-key’ individual while still holding on this ‘recognition’ point in place, so essentially I would create my own inner conflict which I even externalized in the way that I would dress in a rather extravagant manner while  at the same time using my body’s posture to indicate that I didn’t want to be seen, so I would hunch while walking because I believed that standing straight was ‘showing off’ and only able to be done by good looking girls for example, lol, yes all of this is a fine example of how we pollute our minds in fact.

So, this is just a tip of the iceberg example that one is actually able to investigate for oneself when looking at all the patterns we’ve become in our lives, not only from school but acquired from parents, from people we watch on TV, from the books we read, from the people we admire, from our friends and people around us, etc. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve become the copies of the copies and so the schooling system, the social system has become nothing but a reflection of these categories and identities existent and developed in our minds wherein we get lost in comparison, judgment and the idea of value in relation to ‘who we are’ within the system, all of which actually enables us to coexist within our current dog-eat-dog mentality, where all that matters is achieving personal glory regardless of who or what is abused and affected by it, or ‘collaterally damaged.’

 

I am a product of this society and I’ve had to walk this rather astounding process of deschooling myself,  of deprogramming myself in my mind while at the same time walking a process of self-creation, which is a continued process of self-investigation of every single moment, every single day wherein one continues to assert oneself as the new integration of common sense, of living principles, of a sense of commonality, of a consideration of what’s best for all, of not following an experience as to ‘how I feel’ or how I believe ‘I should feel/be like/act like/talk like’ to dictate who I am in the moment,  wherein it is a continuous process of letting go of any constrains and limitations that I have previously identified through writing, and have released through the process of self-forgiving behaviors, emotions, feelings, thinking patterns, ideas about myself so that I could then practically and actively work on stopping myself from running-through the same old programmed ‘me.’

Now I place my focus on attention on this self-creation process which is truly a first-timer for us all to be able to walk and do, because it is now that we are for the first time becoming more and more aware of things that were deeply rooted in the unconscious before. Now we are able to slowly but surely as humanity able to spot these patterns and behaviors with greater ease, and I have to say that this then a great opportunity and it does rejoice me to see more and more people starting to question themselves, and the overall world-system, which indicates there’s in fact a great opportunity existent here to change the direction of our lives if more and more people start waking up and smelling reality for what it is so that we can work together to correct and align it.

I must also say that when I speak of this process, it isn’t something I do ‘by myself’ nope, it would have been mostly more difficult I’d say – I walk with a group of people networked through the internet – around the globe – with whom we’ve shared our lives,  our writings for over 7 years now, keeping in constant processes of developing and strengthening our communication and feedback processes to ensure that we don’t get lost in this re-educational process we’re walking, which has to do little to nothing to any regular ‘schooling system,’ but we are all more than certain that more individuals must recognize the vital importance of implementing this self-investigation process as part of our schooling system, learning how to work with our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, to learn how to effectively write them out and communicate about them while integrating a sense of self-support through developing common sense: the consideration of what is best for all. 

It is about time we realize that it makes complete sense to actually focus on empowering each other to learn how to best coexist as human beings rather than focusing on being liked by the teacher, or beating our classmates, or planning ways to get into a group of friends to ‘fit in,’ or planning our greatest success where we disregard another’s life of lack of opportunities and suffering that is and has become our collateral damage in this zero sum reality.

It is thus in our greatest and most common interest that we could all walk this self-education process of self-honesty which is a process of self-creation according to living principles to get to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, and so make it part of our educational programs in whichever way they take shape in the (near) future once that we more and more realize how detrimental and even harmful our current standardized type of educational systems are which actually stems from the skewed and misconstrued value systems in our minds.  

So, the best way to deschool ourselves, which is the same as saying the best way to change ourselves is definitely walking the Desteni I Process. There’s no greater set of tools in this world, nor greater group of people that commit themselves to support one another throughout this Journey to Life, to live in dignity and equality. And I can only encourage everyone to try it out for yourself, because if I had aimed at simply wanting to ‘change’ but not really investigating my mind and living patterns to the utmost degree, to really learn how to sweep behind the rug of my memories, my past, my experiences, to understand who am I within my mind and how to practically apply and establish solutions in my day to day living, I would have been equally lost in a constant yearning ‘for change’ but not really knowing how or where to start.

This isn’t an easy thing to do either, it’s probably the greatest commitment we’ll ever make in our lives, which is our commitment to actually learn how to live in the benefit of ourselves and all life considered. However, it will for sure be the most rewarding and long lasting for future generations as well.  

 

Recommend to Read:

Teacher’s Journey To Life

 

Remove the cords - self change -deschooling - desteni

Artwork by Damián Ledesma 

 

 

Recommended to watch:

Hear the Podcasts:

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.

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83. Finishing what I Started

The ‘Fulfilling character’ character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-doubt based on the ideals that I’ve kept with regards to what is an acceptable expression based on what is pertinent to express in relation to only being one single character as ‘an artist,’ instead of realizing that I am a human being that is able to express in any way that is self-honest and congruent in relation to the physical moment that I am walking in relation to my process.

 

I realize that I had been limiting myself based on being ‘caught’ between being ‘academically correct’ while trying to remain ‘true to myself,’ which means that I am still allowing myself to separate the ‘intellectual’ aspect as something that I have to ‘work further into,’ without realizing that what I am working with is myself, and that at the moment there is nothing I am creating as everything is already here. I am simply sculpting myself, using what is here already as myself and giving myself direction to become the expression of who and what I really am as life, which is the process I am walking here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as doubt the moment that I have to present a ‘final work’ toward the academy, just because of the ideals that I have created around ‘the final work’ and how I have deemed it to be this ‘huge event in one’s life’ which is how I have instead shoved it aside and believe that I have to pull out a ‘great show’ for everyone, which is only stemming from the ego and personality I have been throughout my life as a student that is ‘bright’ according to judgments that I’ve accumulated as ‘who I am, ‘ which I’m not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually ‘fear’ letting go of these standards because of considering that me-expressing myself in simplicity will not make me something ‘outstanding’ which is what I had been tagged as throughout my career ‘being outstanding’ and believing that everyone is expecting me to have this ‘outstanding career,’ which in no way correlates to the process I am walking as myself. Thus, I stop preventing myself to express and move based on these ideals that I am secretly keeping as a ‘final shot’ within my life, without realizing that I cannot serve two gods, and that my ego is no longer a point to be taken into consideration when I am the directive principle of myself here.

 

This means that I cannot possibly continue procrastinating and allowing myself to be waiting for the right moment to write-myself as the declaration of who and what I am as my own process of self creation, because I see and realize that I was waiting to have something ‘finite,’ without understanding that it is the mere explanation of myself as my process and as such, it won’t be anything that can be measured as right or wrong, as it is a creative-process in itself with no precedents. Thus, I allow myself to walk this point with no predisposition toward anything or anyone in separation of myself and my expression here.

 

I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to still take the ‘academy’ as something above me, as something that could refute anything I could say just because I am not presenting any artwork per se. Ye the process in itself Is the creation as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was not going to be working with some work of art per se, I was standing in ‘dangerous territory,’ which is just me using an excuse to validate my self-doubt and hesitation based on mere beliefs what and how I should present myself to have this ‘flawless’ project, without realizing that because of holding such Ideals, I am in fact limiting myself to make of this work a simple and practical extension of the process that I am walking on a daily basis through writing. This proves how one single belief can tamper my ability to direct myself and essentially become like a haunting ghost that is seemingly ‘beyond myself,’ which is absolutely unacceptable as it is all based on the belief of who I am as the ‘perfect student character’ which is only feeding an ego that is busy dying.

 

I direct myself to express myself here, in simplicity and stop the haunting ideals of me fulfilling anything for anyone else in separation of myself. I realize that whatever I write and express as myself is within the consideration of what’s best for myself and all as equals – thus there can be no ‘wrong doing’ in that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions toward my expression based on wanting to fulfill a certain ideal/ ego/ pattern of myself in separation of who I am as life. This means that I stop creating an elusive ideal to fulfill in separation of myself within attempting to write ‘for someone else’ such as ‘the academy,’ instead of realizing that this is about me writing myself as my process and in that, it is no different to the expression that I write myself as every single day.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reason why I was not facing this point is because I was still holding on to the idea of ‘who I am’ toward teachers, school, the consideration of my entire student career throughout my life, wherein I was still aiming at this ‘perfection’ but not based on self-developmental perfection, but perfection base on the idealism I lived as myself in terms of being awarded with ‘the highest honors’ always, which is what I have kept in the back of my head as this ideal that I apparently have to fulfill.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually program myself from a very young age to be able to obtain the ‘highest honors’ when graduating, which is just an idea of what I thought would make ‘more than everyone else,’ and that would fulfill the ‘perfect student career’ that I was busy maintaining as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions onto everything that I do based on which characters I am seeking to fulfill and reinforce, which proves that I have become essentially a character that works to fulfill other characters wherein I miss out the absolute expression that is here as myself at any given moment, and instead believe that I have to get to a certain point to be able to express myself, or that I require to ‘find the right expression’ in separation of myself, which is just indicating that I was simply wanting to maintain a character within myself that keeps the pillar of the ‘flawless student,’ which is a character that I felt I lost the moment that I dropped out from my first career – as an accumulated self-judgment toward myself – and having left school for one year to be living abroad – which became me losing my opportunity to have an automatic graduation, which meant to me losing the perks of being this ‘flawless student.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I won’t be able to get the highest honors, then it Is just pointless to do something ‘worthy’ – yet at the same time fearing not being acceptable enough for the academy, thinking it won’t be ‘sellable,’ which is just me trying to fulfill another’s expectations in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before even having started, which means that I have become this character to be fulfilled/ bashed and accordingly only move as fear waiting for the ‘right moment to come,’ to give myself direction, instead of realizing that the more I procrastinate, the more I compound the single possession of fear, shoved-away anxiety that comes with it, which is absolutely unnecessary considering that expression as words is here as myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually stop myself from directing myself because of fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of that ‘world’ that I have kept as superior than myself, which is the academy/ schooling institutions even though I am aware how they function and how it is all part of the basic conditioning of creating competition and these apparent ‘high standards’ upon human beings – hence I realize that any form of limitation is just a stupidity loop in fact, because I am accepting and allowing the realm of knowledge and information to be ‘beyond myself,’ while all that I require is here as myself already.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting the career down’ and everyone else involved in it, based on how I had walked it with having these great expectations toward myself and because I am in no position to fulfill them, my entire starting point of doing this work is stemming from me having failed at ‘becoming an artist,’ and having failed to fulfill the expectations that I had toward myself and that I believe, think or perceive that others have upon myself.

 

Thus I realize that the only point of betrayal can actually exist if I continue allowing myself to tamper my ability to express myself here in every moment by wanting to suit myself into a character to fulfill other characters’ expectations, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I would experience regret and still not do anything about it, which is just proof of how one single point of belief can be an entire point of self-sabotage if not walked, addressed and opened up immediately as self. I realize that self-movement is compromised the moment I hold but one single iota of character to be fulfilled as myself, and in that, I am entirely responsible to face the consequences of what I am creating for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually project myself into ‘that day’ when I have to present this work and go into fear because of all the value I had placed to such moment from a very young age as this apparent ‘magnificent’ event’ wherein I placed myself as the character that would go ‘beyond history’ with some magnificent final work, which is just base on my ideals that fulfilled the ‘perfect student’ character I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my worth’ and ‘who I am,’ which is the point that I now see and realize I was not willing to entire let go from the moment that a point that I am not directing as myself is directly linked to preserving this elusive ideal of myself toward others and in a particular institution.

 

I realize that within these ideals and beliefs of who I am and how I must present myself in such moment is stemming from comparing myself to other beings in my family that have presented a ‘flawless work,’ wherein I placed a higher standard for myself in order to end up being ‘the ultimate winner’ at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as the image of me in that room with teachers in front of me, asking me questions and having ‘an audience’ that I must apparently dazzle with my wits, which is just an entire mindfuck that I’ve used to only torture myself, instead of giving me absolute self direction at all times with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when thinking ‘will teachers/ academics buy this concept of art as myself?’ and in that, already limiting myself for giving worth and value to what others can say about a point that is and will be a point of self-expression in its totality, wherein I realize that the ideas of me having to comply to a certain institutional format is just self limitation and doesn’t represent at all the unconditional expression that I have walked and proven to myself I am able and capable of doing with no obstacles a all. So, I realize that I had still held fear and fear of being judged by ‘weird’ and ‘unconventional’ even in art school by my professors, which is ludicrous considering the type of work I am presenting and the school that is precisely created to break patterns of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable within an academic world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others based on what I am working with, without realizing that this is not about ‘defending my thesis’ as this is not a thesis as something to ‘prove’ to others, but a single explanation of myself as this moment an this process of self-creation that I am walking and how it goes along with artistic expression as a point of support for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘betraying’ or ‘not making use’ of what I was supposed to have learned in school, just because of not being presenting plastic work in some specific discipline, which is just me fearing being judged for not complying to the usual modes of presenting the final work, without realizing that I was only trying to please others with my work in my mind, instead of actually physically walking it as myself without expecting to create any special form of ‘feedback’ that I could feel better or greater about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold on the idea and belief that I had to come out with the ‘greatest score I could attain’ which is what I would then be satisfied about, not realizing that because of fearing not getting this, I am instead not moving myself within this point simply because of fearing being judged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is such an ‘important thing in my life, ‘ without seeing and realizing that just by this single belief I am creating an entire point of separation between myself an this ‘final work’ based on the ideals I was still wishing and hoping to fulfill about myself, instead of just walking it as self and in such way, not having to be ‘expecting’ something out of it other than what I am able to express as myself in every moment that I dedicate myself to write here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first create these entire ‘ideal’ about my final work and separate it from the actual walking it on a daily basis believing that the ‘final document’ had to be this outrageous and ‘outstanding’ expression which I now see and realize I was simply busy trying to fulfill in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback as a point of self-acceptance in separation of self, wherein I went into idealism instead of practivism, and that’s the entire point wherein I tried to fulfill the idea of who I am in separation of myself as the physical moment I am living in that I can simply direct myself to write it out, without going into fear of being judged, fear of not ‘fulfilling’ the reader, fear of coming ‘short’ in my expression and – all of these fears are absolutely unacceptable.

 

I realize that any moment that I see myself judging this point of work as ‘something separate’ from the daily writing I do and direct as myself, is simply an excuse to not dig further into realizing how obviously I was still holding such ‘final work’ as something beyond my nose, which means that I projected it into this elusive future, instead of bringing it here as self and as such ensure that I walk it as self, as the realization of who and what I am able to be and express in every moment of breath in relation to the process I am walking as myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I’ve made the ‘write choice’ for the topic because it was ‘positively accepted’ by my professor, which is just a point of self-manipulation based on thinking that ‘it is already great because my professor liked it,’ which then becomes a point to fulfill ‘for others,’ instead of myself expressing myself here in every single moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accept and allowed myself to move myself based on positive feedback, wherein I can see that I am not absolutely self directive the moment that I am still trying to fulfill an idea of myself based on what is ‘good’/ great from others, instead of taking myself into consideration as the expression that is here in common sense and that as such, It cannot be possibly refuted.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single belief and expectation, which is as limited as a single thought waiting to be fulfilled by an external stimuli to keep the positive energy running. I stop myself as a character that seeks to be something ‘great’ for others, and instead, remain constant as the realization that all that I am is already here and that any delusion of moreness or less than is just a mind-belief that is in no way who and what I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still allow my mind to direct myself as fears that I suppress with other activities, thinking that ‘the right time will come,’ without realizing it won’t ‘come’ by itself, but that I have to practically and physically direct it as myself at all times.

 

 

Rumbos-inciertos

Rumbos Inciertos 2006

 

Self Corrective Statements.

When and as I see myself resisting and not wanting to go into what I have deemed as an ‘academic writing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself from information and placing it as ‘more’ than who I am in every moment, without realizing that this is one single point that I can direct as the expression of myself in the moment, instead of being wanting to become something ‘else’ to be academically correct, which is the point that I have been struggling with and seeing it as ‘something I cannot yet be sure about, ‘ which would imply that I am seeing the ‘academic work’ as separate from the expression of who and what I am in every moment of breath. Everything is here, I allow myself to direct it as myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating this final work something ‘more’ than myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making it more than myself because of the ideas that I have created toward ‘finishing a career’ and comparing myself to my sisters and their final thesis/ presentation, of which I personally took it as this point that I had to ‘surpass’ and better at all cost, just so that I could go out with the triumphant belief that I had been this bright student throughout my life and that ‘my final exam was no exception,’ which is just me future projecting and expecting to be ‘remembered’ by teachers, by parents, by colleagues as something ‘great’ other than myself here in simplicity.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own expression in any given moment in relation to presenting a work toward any institution, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only separating myself from the constancy and consistency of myself as self-direction and allowing me to be tampering it with the ideal of me having to adjust such expression to be liked/ accepted by the academy, without realizing that this is just a self-belief that I’ve come to feed and fuel as ‘who I am’ as the character of ‘the perfect student’ that has no place here as myself, as the physical body that is not defined by knowledge and information or ‘who I have been’ in/as the past.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to fulfill the ideal of ‘the perfect student with a perfect final work’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am seeking to fulfill an ideal of who I am in separation of myself, which is not acceptable, as everything that I am is already here as myself and any idea of me as ‘more’ than myself and/or wanting to ‘maintain’ a self-imposed title is only ego.

 

When and as I see myself placing conditions onto my expression in order to suit an ideal according to be presentable to a certain institution/ school / academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this limitation can only exist as fear that I can stop in a moment of breathing and physically directing myself to express in common sense. Who and what I am is constant and consistent no matter what, thus any condition/ impediment is only stemming from myself as the mind wanting to preserve or remain stuck within a single character which I realize now is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself still believing that I have to ‘become’ a character in order to write, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the elusiveness of me writing myself is still a mind-created experience as any form of ‘impediment’ can only exist as an actual fear of being judged, fear of doing something wrong, fear of not suiting the ideals placed by the academy, fear of getting ‘stuck’ into something which are all bullshit and ludicrous points as I see that my nose clears when I clear my head from these ‘ghostly limitations,’ that can only exist the moment I place myself into THINKING about it, instead of just physically directing myself to write.

 

When and as I see myself seeking perfection outside myself based on the ideal of ‘who I as in the past,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only me sabotaging my entire ability to be/ live and express in one single moment, one single being that is here as the physical expressing self as the physical, which means that I do not require to get myself into a certain ‘state of mind’ to write out the work, nor do I require more ‘knowledge and information,’ for it, it’s just a matter of directing myself to do it.

 

When and as I see myself still as something/ someone in separation of who I am in every moment of breath when/ while being preparing the work for school, facing teachers and so forth in such ‘art realm,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the anxiety that I’ve suppressed and experienced was just this suppression of myself based on the ideals of how I had to do it, who I had to pleas and where I could ‘be wrong,’ which was all based on me having difficulty explaining myself in the past whenever I tried to explain this process to others, without realizing that at that time I had barely begun it, and that it was impossible for me to really express myself as it, because I had not walked it.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘keep up’ my status toward others and caring about what family/ friends will say about me and my final work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is it, this is the moment wherein I can finally allow myself to step out of my beloved character of miss perfection and allow myself to express in common sense without any expectation toward it, as I realize that the point that I will be serving is Life itself and not a single character building career.

 

When and as I see myself feeling defeated because I could not attain to ‘the highest honors’ I see that this is just plain egotistical bullshit and has no space to hold here as myself any longer. It’s all memory based and memories are only self-limitations as the lies we believed ourselves to be in separation of who we already are here as one and equal. This is no higher talk, this is a certainty. This implies that any egotistical institutional reward is nothing but an ego-game to gain further positive experiences that are only energetic fleeting moments to rub the ego as the mind. The physical cannot be flattered.

 

When and as I see myself forming a character when trying to fulfill a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the moment that I see something as ‘difficult’ and that I deliberately place aside to not give it immediate direction, I am in fact just fearing having to face letting to of my own ideals and facing the reality of myself without the highest expectations that I had still held within myself, which became a point of comparison toward ‘who I was’ in the past, which is in no way who and what I am here any longer – the character is not real.

 

When and as I see myself still believing myself to be this ‘flawless student,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ideal was actually stemming from the fear to not be good enough and fuck it all up, which is the exact fear as irrational as all fears that I have been living out with no direction given because of believing that I had to do something ‘else’ in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of people in academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the ‘betrayal’ toward the career is only me wanting to fulfill a character in an ‘appropriate manner,’ which is in no way what I am willing to diminish myself to. Thus, I stop the bullshit and direct myself to express myself here, no judgments attached.

 

When and as I see myself worrying/ future projecting about the moment of presenting my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this all stems from the value/ worth I had kept toward ‘the academy’ as something superior than myself, without realizing that this is just a limitation that I created within myself and has no space In reality as a certainty – thus, I stop.

 

When and as I see myself going into regret, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am simply sabotaging myself even further, the only point to correct this is to practically and physically direct myself to do that which I was procrastinating to direct as myself.

 

When and as I see myself going into comparison in relation to how my sisters presented their final works in school/ university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot possibly compare myself to others, as each one’s process is different – hence I stop placing these benchmarks for myself and rather direct myself to do what is required to be done and that’s it.

 

When and as I see myself fearing what academics will think, believe or perceive about myself and my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this point of fearing being judged is just irrational as all fears, and that there is no possibility to fear expressing myself here as who and what I realize I am. I cannot possibly remain trying to defend myself as a character, and I see that the entire problem is how I titled the work itself – as ‘the artist’ and that because I do not see myself as an artist, I created an entire unnecessary conflict with it, simply because of fearing simply presenting myself as a human being, not one single character only.

 

Thus I direct myself to make the necessary arrangements to express how I cannot only define myself as a career in order to satisfy some ideals I Have upon myself and others toward myself. I cannot lie myself any further for any purpose or any justification, as the work itself is about myself and my self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as ‘intellect in conflict’ and within this forgetting completely about the physicality that I am and exist as, which is and cannot possibly be diminished to a single character playing as ‘who I am.’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will have to ‘prove’ myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I had ‘lived’ this point toward other beings in my world, but somehow I had held school as this immaculate piece of reality that I could not equalize myself as, still seeing it as ‘beyond’ myself.

 

Thus, I direct myself to finally let go of any idealization toward myself and my career – and everything that I had linked to ‘art’ itself and really, actually equalize it as myself, as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself trying and believing that I have to ‘impress’ others with my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not me here as physically speaking and doing in the moment, but existing as a future projection of ego wanting to be fulfilled.

 

When and as I see myself placing value onto my ‘final score’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the character-rating that I have been bound to the most time in my life, always being used to ‘getting the most’ and believing that if I don’t get ‘the most’ this time, I have failed. Which is not so, it is just a character waiting and wanting to get ‘the most’ to continue existing as myself. Thus, I direct myself to present myself and express in the moment with no expectations as I see how expecting creates anxiety and anxiety creates a limitation to express unconditionally as it is all fear based on being judged, I stop and I direct myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that ‘this is such an important moment in my life,’ and seeing it as the ‘pinnacle’ of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that who I am is not based on memories and future projections, but simply here walking the system for what it is – I walk it in equality – no more and no less.

 

When and as I see myself expecting my ‘final work’ to be this outrageous paper, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am going ‘ahead’ of myself, and that all I require is to express myself as I exist in the moment, which can express in common sense without any extra desire to be ‘more’ than myself, thus I direct myself to express me without wanting to suit/ fit in a certain ideal of myself toward myself and others.

 

When and as I see myself using positive feedback as a way to move myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only the ego being stroked and getting fuel to continue going. Who I am does not require positive feedback but only self-movement as the realization that everything that I require to be is already here as myself .

 

When and as I see myself separating this ‘final work’ from any other writing I do on a daily basis, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all I was doing was keeping it in a ‘special compartment’ which is not acceptable; otherwise it would not be me writing myself but me as character writing for other characters, perpetuating the character world. I am here to stop all characters as myself and in others, and instead direct myself to write something that will not be base on wanting to ‘fit in’ within the academic world, but that genuinely represents my own process of self-correction and self-direction as the creator of myself.

 

When and as I see myself using zeal as positivity to direct myself to do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am only reducing myself to a single character fulfilling itself and is I no way me supporting myself as the expression that is constant and consistent here as breath. No more and no less required.

 

When and as I see myself expecting a final resolution of having a ‘great work’ and getting compliments in such future projections about myself and my work and ‘who I am’ toward others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not even a matter of being humble, but simply realizing that anything that can be said about my work and myself has I no way any influence as to who I am, as all I am is here as breath and no words can make me more or less than ‘it all.’

 

When and as I see myself existing as a future projection and expectation of fulfilling myself as a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the desires that I fueled from a young age were based on me only being a single character/ ideal that is in no way who and what I am as the totality of myself. Thus, I direct myself to walk this point as per requirement and stop limiting myself and my expression based on characters I played in the past that is not here any longer.

 

When and as I see myself deviating myself to do ‘something else’ instead of finalizing this work I stop and I breathe. I realize that the word ‘finalization’ means giving it a breath by breath direction without holding on to a single ‘outrageous outcome’ that I expected of myself in my mind, as that is in no way related to who and what I am here as the constancy and consistency of breath.

 

I direct myself to finish what I started.

 

 

Azul

 

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Note to Self: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a mind drama today, without realizing it’s hormones taking the wheel instead of myself here as the physical. Thus I direct myself to stand one and equal as my physical so that I don’t have to go wondering around what the fuck is wrong with me today.


Day 18: Self-Interest Sabotage

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept Selfishness as an inherent part of ‘who I am’ as human nature wherein I learned that I had to only care about myself and not bother to look at others’ lives as that would ‘consume me in worry/ concern’ that was ‘unnecessary’ within my life as a child when I would worry/ concern about others’ experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tamper my incipient common sense by what I accepted as ‘education’ wherein I learned to cover up my actual experience toward others with words like ‘Don’t care about them, don’t look at them, that’s their life’ and in that, accepting that I should only care about myself and focus on only achieving my ‘personal satisfaction’ wherein everything then became me-and-only-me in my world, to the point wherein any bit of looking outside into the world became an instant no-no within my mind, because of believing that others’ lives had Nothing to do with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use education and parental advices as a living-blueprint wherein I shut off my common sense and consideration/ regard for others, creating a great instability and dissatisfaction within myself, a constant ‘anguish’ that I could not pinpoint because ‘everything was alright’ in my life, I had it all, I was cared for, I was supported financially but something just wasn’t right in the world and in my attempt to discover what was it that was concerning me, I only created further experiential anguish and concern and worry with ‘making up a point’/ creating a point, that wasn’t initially ‘there’ but I believed that I had to find a reason for my experience which lead me to then create experiences in my world to ‘give it a name’ as a justification for that process of deliberately blinding me from looking at the world as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cloud my discomfort when getting a reward from my parents for ‘being a good student’ such as money or gifts wherein I would feel discomfort and it didn’t seem ‘right’ as I was doing it for myself, but I accepted the reward because ‘hey, it’s money, I can buy stuff with it’ and essentially within this giving-into the system of reward and ‘prices’ for ‘doing good in school,’ which I later on said it wasn’t necessary – but because I had accepted it as part of ‘parental love,’ I ended up using such reward to my convenience to get stuff that would make me ‘happy,’ and in this, accepting the motivation to do well, to take responsibility in separation of myself while accepting then the idea that I must always be rewarded, thanked for and appreciated for everything that I do.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into believing that it was ‘wrong’ to take rewards from my father and feeling embarrassed about it, yet eventually ‘giving in’ to it because it seemed it ‘made others happy to do so,’ and in that complying to the parenting/ child belief system of reward and love as giving prices/ money that could ‘make me happy’ because I believed that their happiness depends on ‘my happiness.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my common sense to play a part of the reward/ manipulation masked as care/ love by parents/ teachers and within this any other reward-system existing in this world that begins at home, wherein we learn that we require something to motivate us which is ultimately in the form of money, as everything that is here that can be ‘given’ currently has a price tag attached to it, as the symbol of separation that we have accepted as a form of possession wherein ‘I’ have accepted and allowed myself to possess ‘something/ someone’ in the name of personal power, while neglecting the fact that nothing that is here I can actually possess, no one that is here can actually be Mine – though because of accepting this ‘idea’ of myself as an ‘owner’ and a ‘winner’ I became absolutely accustomed to the idea of buying stuff in means of caring for others, giving stuff in means of obtaining appreciation, giving something to someone while expecting a reward, which is me playing the game of this entire world that lives and thrives upon ownership and possession.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge other children for being ‘whiners’ and manipulating their parents to get stuff at the supermarket, while taking on the haughty position of being ‘above that’ and feeling good for ‘not playing that game,’ without realizing that I DID play that game in various other ways in my reality wherein I knew that accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my family and my environment, would lead me to get what I wanted because of thinking ‘I deserve this/ I earned this/ I should have access to that’ – and this, perpetuating my own ‘masked’ reward system wherein I learned how to use my ‘props’ and ‘points’ accumulated through time for being a ‘good student’ and a ‘good person’ that would lead me to eventually ‘have/ own what I want,’ because of thinking ‘hey, I’ve done ‘good’ I deserve my piece of the cake!’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a superiority position while being in this world because of ‘noticing’ the manipulation patterns within children and parents and judging them, without first looking at myself and How I was living the exact same point minus the tantrums but in a very specific and masked with ‘modesty’ type of manipulation wherein I would always say ‘It is not necessary for you to give me presents, I do this for myself,’ yet eventually opening my hand to get the money to buy whatever I already knew that I wanted to get, in this placing all integrity aside and giving into the money, the ‘power’ as the reward that I did know  could accept as everyone else did it, everyone else does it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge my classmates every time that they said: ‘Oh I wanna be like you and have your grades, let me hand my parents your notes/grades/record so that they can buy me whatever I want/ with your notes I would get whatever I would want from my parents/ I would make my parents happy with your record’ wherein I judged them as manipulators and cheaters and selfish and interested people, while disregarding the fact that deep inside I knew I would ‘modestly’ accept prices and rewards for my grades while placing a face and a cloak of ‘Oh it’s not necessary, I don’t require your money’ but in the end, accepting it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always place a nice face whenever I required money to buy something and speaking in a high pitch voice and move my face in a way wherein I knew that my father/ mother would not be able to ‘say no’ to buy me/ get me what I wanted, and in this playing out the same manipulation system wherein the bond of family/ love is used in order to ‘get what I want.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a life based on accumulating ‘good interest’ just like when you build a good profile in a banking system that enables you to get ‘all the credit you want,’ and in fact learning about this from what my father taught me about banking status/ profile wherein he would get all offers to get credit and he’d always refuse because of not wanting to get into debt, and in that I learned how I could have ‘the world at my feet’ by accumulating a ‘good profile’ within my world wherein I could use that credit as in obtaining rewards at any given moment because of having accumulated such ‘good profile’ throughout my life. This means that everything that I’ve done within my self-created belief of modesty and ‘integrity’ has Always had a point of self-interest behind, a monetary potential in the background as I knew that within keeping walking the steps of becoming a ‘good citizen’ and learn how to administrate my money, I could get to a higher position in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I was actually taught how to save money as a means of security and how Money played a big role from the very first moments that I would get money from my father with which I knew I could buy things that I wanted. I became so used to getting money on a weekly basis that I learned that this life was about buying stuff as a means of obtaining happiness and fulfilling myself with ‘buying.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep my savings in a zealous manner, as I knew that I was already ‘building my profile’ as being a ‘saver’ which meant something good within the world system where people that get the benefits are the ones that are able to obtain interests from capitalizing that money in the bank.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a ‘saver’ made me a ‘better person’ and not a ‘bad person’ such as the people that owed money to the banks –within this, believing that all the money that I owned was ‘clean’ and was ‘good money’ because it was earned/ worked for without ever ever questioning why some people had to borrow money to the bank, why was there not enough money for people regardless of them working for it or not – why was life denied to others and having to go through extreme financial troubles that would lead them to their own death, because of how the money system works.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only be confused about how the money system works as a child, not getting any proper explanation to why poverty exists and instead, only learning to focus on me, my savings, how to administrate my money and in that becoming a life-time administrator wherein money is always carried with me as a means of security, as a means of survival, as a means of protecting myself from ‘anything’ that I could require as I’ve learned that I can buy anything in this world with money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this, develop a ‘good persona’ idea of myself wherein because of knowing that my family/ my father had ‘no debt’ I took on that position of feeling good about money because of believing that we were not ‘bad people’ that ‘owed’ to the bank because of not being proper administrators. Within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always automatically/ by default through what I learned judge anyone that owes to the bank/ that has debt because of considering this as a synonym of them being ‘bad people’ that somehow had corrupted themselves to not be able to get money, without ever actually investigating that MONEY in itself exists as DEBT as that inherent point of enslavement and separation that we have created in the name of power, of some having ‘more’ than others’ and some others having ‘less’ or no money at all, and in that neglecting the fact of the world system running in inequality, which I simply accepted as ‘how things are,’ because I was taught that ‘I should not worry about that, it’s not in my power to change it’ – hell no.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive experience within myself when I had accumulated money through saving within this ‘saver’ personality as building a ‘good reputation’ within the system, which became my way of functioning in the world as I knew that all the scores throughout my life in school as being a good student, my life within my family as ‘being a good daughter, ‘ my ‘good will’ within society as a ‘good and concerned citizen’ would lead me to a  position of comfort and financial stability in the future – apparently – because of having learned that one gets rewards for ‘being a good person’ and in that, accepting the fact that some others would inherently be damned to not have enough money to live, which I justified as them having been lazy/bad administrators/ corrupted people, which is how I ‘made sense’ of this world living in disparity, placing each person through my own judgmental values of what lead you to be ‘rich’ or ‘have enough money to live’ or ‘be poor/ starving’ wherein I thought that it was directly related to ‘who they had been’ in their world, neglecting the obvious facts wherein people are born into such positions which means that they had no say within their world in terms of money, as family/ context/ environmental predisposition as inherent conditions within each human being’s life was not seen by myself at the time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build a persona of and as ‘modesty’ wherein I would take all the awards/ rewards and recognition only as an accumulation of ‘good score’ that I knew would get me anywhere I wanted in this reality, and in fact it did in terms of education and within that feeling ‘great’ for having known how to use the system  – yet being moral about it in terms of seeing it as a ‘goodness’ within me, wherein anyone else that could Not access to the same that I had access to, I deemed as less than/ stupid/ lazy/ irresponsible and within that, asserting that I was ‘on the right path’ to become that whichever I wanted to become, because ‘I had earned it/ I had become it honestly’ without seeing that money was the actual motivation for all of this lifetime of achievements that I kept as a score in such a proud silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link ‘good finances’ and ‘good administration’ to being a ‘good person’ wherein I took the role model of my father as a ‘good administrator’ which I see would lead me to ‘success’ without realizing that within this accepted form of manipulation/ use of the ways within the system, I accepted such ways as ‘okay’ to live by within this world, wherein I would then measure individuals and their financial situation linked to their personal-moral and ethics within this world, separating ‘good people’ as people that were financially stable and ‘bad people’ as people that had lots of debts and financial troubles that would reflect in their mental instability, personal crisis and diseases that would lead them to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever judge people that would ‘cheat’ in the system, without realizing that I was in fact being the perfected system of cheating/ manipulating and accepting the flawed ways to thrive in this world wherein one must comply with all the ‘good aspects’ that the system/ society is expecting me to be, wherein I could finally take the ‘position’ that I had ‘earned’ throughout my lifetime, within this not Living here as myself as breath, but only living to ‘get to that superior position,’ living to get to that ‘throne’ that I believed I had earned throughout my life with ‘hard work,’ without realizing how I was essentially preprogrammed to accept myself as ‘better than others’ and in that believing that I had some higher mission to have a position of power in this world – all delusions only in my head that lead me to create this constant belief that I was ‘better than others,’ and ‘more apt’ to do whatever I had to do than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘my reputation’ as the score-keeping that I’ve done throughout my life where numbers as scores, numbers as the reflection of the profile-building that I knew would get me a ‘reward’ someday, which implies that I have lived as a score-keeping system fulfilling targets to eventually be ‘free’ and ‘happy’ and ‘fulfilled’ with having achieved a lifetime of ‘good reputation’ which always translated to money and obtaining/ attaining financial stability.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of my preprogramming in ways that I knew I was only ensuring ‘my future/ my survival’ while neglecting the fact that I had to inevitably use this to benefit of all – and for a moment, get lost in the trap of attaining ‘power’ to get myself to the position that I wanted disregarding the fact that I could become the solution to this world, because of having given-up to the fact that I Can become the solution to this world and that it is not even a want/ desire to do so, but it is a point of Self-Responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately deny my abilities/ capabilities and choosing to diminish myself just because of seeing that I was becoming a ‘perfect system’ and that I was aiming at ‘getting all the power I could,’ which I judged as nasty later on in my life, judging myself for having had greedy thoughts and in that, going to the exact opposite of denying, neglecting all-things-money, all-news, all careers that I had initially sought to study in order to make of my ‘traits’ something useful within this world, and in that, going to the exact opposite which was seeking value within that which I judged as ‘non-valuable/ without a price’ such as how I deemed ‘art’ would be like. In this, my own cave was wrought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having ever pursued my own interest while growing, then going into blame, self judgment and into the exact opposite as denying that I had ever sought such positions of power/ recognition/ elitist status by becoming the ‘black sheep’ of the family that would deliberately seek the opposite of what I had learned I ‘wanted’ to be like/ live like in the future, in this not ever realizing and pondering that I was only sabotaging myself and my ability to position myself in this world in a place wherein I could actually make a difference to it, which I realize requires education on how the system works and getting myself into a position of where the cogwheels of the system are moved in order to create a substantial change in this world/ system.

 

I now finally realize the entire fucked up sabotage to my own abilities and capabilities because of judging money as good or bad, because of judging my inherent abilities as good for the system but ‘bad for my integrity’ wherein I later on ostracized myself from ‘all things systematic’, shutting myself from continuing my education within the realms of politics and social matter that I had initially been interested in, because of having deemed it as a ‘lost cause’ and believing that I was completely incapable of doing any difference to.

I realize that I sabotaged myself by going to the exact opposite such as deliberately diminishing/ playing aloof and being seemingly ‘unaware’ of the reality because of having found that ‘not caring about the world/ only caring about myself’ was apparently more ‘fulfilling’ and an easier way to live, than having lived as a concerned/ worried person about the world – which was then integrating the belief that ‘I must only care about myself’ as ‘who I am’ and in that, wasting my abilities and capabilities for some time/ the extent of time you take to study a career because of believing that I could only ‘make the best for myself’ and that this world was doomed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use my personal interests as a way to justify my giving up on the world, my giving up on the abilities and capabilities I was fully aware I could conduct into a position that I could take on and make a difference, regardless of what everyone said about it, and instead going for the ‘easy way out’ apparently, without realizing that this would only lead me to a pointless-timeloop but probably absolutely necessary, now that I see it, because how else would I have had the time to become a real observer of the system without me trying to pursuit the same as everyone else, and now having had enough time to study how reality works, how this entire monetary system as our own reflection drives the world around and how I am perfectly capable of being in the system and creating a point of change by clearing/ and creating a complete new starting point to develop myself and my abilities to the utmost potential wherein Self-Interest and Selfishness is no longer the driving force for it, but Who I See/ Realize/ Understand is who I really am as life as all as one and equals –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my engagement with relationships that would support this ‘escapism of self responsibility’ as that would support my own ostracism and deliberate ignorance about the world system while resorting in entertainment that would only fulfill and satisfy this believed/ perceived ‘path out of the system’ wherein I allowed myself to judge the system, criticize everyone with ‘aspirations’ to succeed and taking on the exact opposite by ensuring that I would ‘never’ want to be in a position of power, because of believing that such power was real in the first place only because of money. Now I realize that if money is a belief system = power is a belief system that allows abuse – therefore I can be and become the point that utilizes all means I can in order to establish an equality in this world by me first allowing/ accepting myself as the ability to establish myself as the equal-power as an equal participant that I represent within this world and reality – no longer driven by the judgments that I have given to money/ power, but having a firm self-agreement to do this for all, as equals.

 

I see and realize that any point of judgment toward a position of power can exist if I am corrupting that power in my mind for self interest in the first place – this is the point to realize when and as I see myself judging a position of power/ myself going into a position of power in a hypothetical situation in this world, I see and realize that I can only judge it if I am embedding my ‘personal interest’ within it, and not regarding that such ‘power’ can only exist if All is equally considered in the equation, which obviously includes myself.

 

When and as I see myself judging the words ‘position of power’ when and as I hear them, I realize that I had lived a life of being conditioned to desire such power and then reject it because of the judgments I embedded onto it, not wanting to be in a ‘superior’ position by deliberately ‘lowering/ diminishing’ myself by self-judgment and in that, allow myself to only accept power as the realization of each breath that I have here in order to establish myself as the equal and one part that is able to conduct, direct and live by the principle of what’s best for all, regardless of the activity I am involved with at the moment, regardless of the ‘perceived’ position such activity entails, as I see and realize that positions of hierarchy only exist as a remains of the past that I am here to debunk, to deflate and to deconstruct to establish solutions and relationships of equality and oneness wherein no being can ever step on top of another through social acceptance of hierarchy and ‘power levels’ in this world.

This I commit myself to debunk, expose which is how ‘power’ has been a fucked up belief system wherein we have accepted and allowed ourselves to enslave each other to a more than/ less than position, sabotaging our inherent ability and capability that can be developed to establish what’s best for all in this reality as who we are, as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to make use of my abilities/ capabilities and accept myself as the path of self-perfection to ensure that all and everything that I do and accumulate is Not only for the best interest of myself, but the best interest for ALL as Equals – this is the point that changes the entire way that I as a human being has lived in this world, because I had not taken into consideration the whole as myself in the past – now I see, I realize and understand that I can use what I do, the potential I represent as an equal part/ participant of the necessary changes and processes that are required to implement and establish in this world to generate solutions and an entire point of change in this world that begins with myself, realizing how I can only have Self-Motivation as the realization of Equality as a world system that benefits all – which includes me, invariably – and in that, integrating my ‘Self-Interest’ as Previous personal interest into an actual Self-Equal and One Interest to create and manifest a world that is best for all.

I recognize that we have all been blinded to our fullest potential within structures based on fear and limitation that we can only deconstruct and reconstruct into equality if we ALL work together to take on our own lives through this deconstruction wherein I make sure that everything that I have ever been and accepted as a form of separation from the whole, is exposed, is self forgiven and corrected within the realization that this process is a collective effort to equalize life, to realize that whatever limitation another allows within themselves, it is and becomes my own limitation as well.

 

I recognize that I had been deliberately fooling around to not take the responsibility that I am fully aware I have only tampered with beliefs about myself that have deliberately maimed my abilities and capabilities, because I feared not being able to fulfill the task that I always saw I had to stand for, which is creating a world that is best for all.

 

I see and realize now that such conditions where imprinted within me as a child and that I became the perfect system to fulfill the tasks that would only benefit me within the system, disregarding that I in fact could expand and extend these achievements to a best for all outcome, which is what I here realize is what I am, what I am here to live by and establish – and that all are equally capable of doing this as well as it is not a matter of choice, but a matter of understanding who we really are and what must be done in order to establish ourselves as living-beings and stopping all survivalism in this world.

 

Self Responsibility can only be acknowledged within Self Honesty wherein what’s best for all is the only point that drives my day to day living, wherein choice doesn’t exist, it is a Self-Willed living action that I become.

 

I dedicate myself to develop my abilities and recognize my capability of becoming the point of my process as the key that I see and realize each one of us is able to be and become if our starting point is unified by a best for all principle and outcome.

 

I commit myself to not diminish myself within beliefs that I’ve kept as ‘That’s too much for me’ or ‘How am I possibly going to get there?’ without realizing that this is a physical process wherein the first point is removing all limitations and preconditions that I have accepted as ‘who I am’ and this is precisely the key point wherein the realization that I can create myself is established, with a foundation upon a living-principle as Life in Equality is the law of my being – by walking, living and aligning myself to this living-law, I am able to support life as myself, and life supports life therefore, I realize that by equalizing my potential to a best for all outcome, what I have already proven I am able and capable of being/ becoming is then expanded onto a best for all scenario, as I see and realize and understand that Life can only thrive in Equality – My life can only thrive in Equality, Existence can only thrive in Equality as Life.

Equal Money System

Desteni

Desteni I Process 

Desteni Forum to support yourself in establishing Self-Honesty as a Self-Willed living understanding of who you really are in this world.

 

 

This blog post emerged from reading the first blog listed in the blog support area, as well as the following interview that allowed me to realize for the first time what type of limitations I had lived/ accepted and allowed within my world and that I had not been able to ‘grasp’ until I listened to this and realized that I can in fact change the starting point of who I am within my abilities and capabilities and determine myself as an active participant that commits to live/ be the solution as a Self-Willed living being to Life.

 

Blog Support:

Day 18: Dementia – The Rotten Child Syndrome
Day 17: The Trap of Dementia, Part 1
Humanity Possessed: DAY 17

 

Interview Support:

A Must Watch documentary by Adam Curtis:

The Trap – 1 – F*k You Buddy


Perfectionism is an Inside Job!

Per-fact working with what is here to be created/ directed within the principle of what’s best for all – Working in specificity, living in ways that are taking into consideration an outcome that will benefit myself and all equally – there are no inner-guidelines according to my own value schemes based on comparison or fears within that. This is how we can transform our current participation in ‘perfectionism’ to self perfection.

Perfectionism – system word and the familiar imprint.

I read the word perfectionism and remembered the usual talks my parents would have with their friends around the table and how my father would boast about his peculiar traits of being methodic and a perfectionist. He’s cool from the system perspective and I’ve learned heaps from such specificity and efficiency within taking into consideration aspects that make our day to day living more practical – yet a lot is definitely based on fear and an underlying desire for control. Now that I look at the word I see that looking at the ‘driving force’ of this experience is having everything working the way ‘he wants it to be’ and this aspect can consume him the moment things don’t go as expected.

That’s when anger would ignite within him right away – it was a ‘known’ fact that if something didn’t work out the way it was expected, we would have to deal with his bad temper. It’s been cool actually because this past year  I’ve gotten to be more open in talking about how to support ourselves with my parents/ family in general, so I’ve been able to point out in the exact moment when he’s going into anger and frustration for things not resulting the way he wanted them. This has been supportive for him to snap out of it and realize that all the fuzz is absolutely unnecessary and that things have to simply be physically directed without adding any other ‘charge’ to it.

The reason why I’m writing about my father is because I require to apply the exact same points for myself.  I can see myself in him in terms of how we have lived ‘perfectionism’ as literal cage wherein we want everything to be ‘under control,’ wherein we don’t want to make any mistakes which is essentially out of fear, fear of not keeping up with this ideal that we’ve created of ourselves, our ‘reputation.’ I now remembered asking my father in one of these events ‘well, what is it that worries you the most if this doesn’t work out?’ and he replied something along the lines of ‘what everyone will say about it.’ And then he goes into his petulant mode wherein he’s just like a little kid that has been caught in the nitty gritty of what is actually ‘mattering’ within our mind, it’s actually funny because there is no place to hide once we reveal and expose ourselves. 

So, it is about fearing others’ judgments, fearing not being ‘up to the expectations’ which is just an overall fuckup since we then will try and make everything fit our imaginary idea – not a pleonasm but a required redundancy to realize how we cannot become an ‘idea’ that is only existent in our mind unless we actually live it in fact. When living in comparison and caring too much about our general ‘presentation’ toward others, we start hindering our expression and placing a lock to our expression to not get out of the ‘known-safe bounds’ and in that, giving up the ability to express, share, being, speak and act because of caring too much about what others have to say about it.

 

How I have experienced perfectionism.

It started when I was a little girl – kindergarten to be precise and I wanted to be the perfect girl that did everything I was told to do. The moment I deviated from it like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting some boy’s hair, getting scolded and resenting such action coming from the ‘teacher,’ I got ‘stuck’ within the point of never wanting to create such ‘harm’ on to another, the kid started crying after it all seemed like ‘fun’ to me.  That’s the first imprint of ‘being mean’ at school and being reprehended for it. From there fear kicked in and made sure I was doing everything I was told to do out of fear of having to go through that ‘humiliating experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced humiliation out of being scolded without anyone taking into consideration the inner-workings and intentions behind the actions – in this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move from self-expression into fear because of not wanting to be ‘scolded’ again ‘in public’ and experiencing such humiliation which I didn’t know existed at the time, creating a general imprint of ‘fear’ which then became the driving force to ‘do as I’m told’ and be an obedient sheep in class.

In fact, from that moment on any ‘fuck up’ that I made during the elementary school years – like being kicked out of the class for talking too much which only happened once – I felt like the scum of the Earth, I feared to be expelled from the honorable wall of fame at school – losing the grace all teachers and others had – the ‘reputation’ point became quite prominent when being the ‘perfect system’ that does ‘everything perfect.’ In fact now that I see the latest points wherein that word has come up in my reality, I get this icky feeling like fuck that’s just not cool, it’s all ego based – how could ‘accomplishing tasks’ be related to ‘being perfect?’ It all was part of getting to know how to score in the system of rewards – nothing else.

I can only accept Self Perfection as myself and in that, we all have to stand equal and one to it – that would be principles and self-will to be efficient, practical, specific in terms of what will create an outcome that’s best for all. I speak of ‘creation’ because that’s what we are doing here with ourselves and the world. Therefore, now that we understand that all points within creation must be equally responsible, we can see how within being self responsible, correcting ourselves and accumulating words and deeds that co-operate to create a best for all outcome is walking the process of Self Perfection. This then cannot be a mind/ ego-driven move, but a best-for-all consideration that anyone can apply in an equal manner.

The reason why we have become so hooked on ‘perfectionism’ is due to the current system wherein one has to be absolutely ‘fit’ and aligned to its rules to keep going – this is just another survival-mechanism point because the main motive is fear once again. Whether it is fear of judgment, of not having money, fear of loss, etc. we have to take such fears to see where we have placed our value/worth upon.

Walking in this process has allowed me learn how to work as a team for the first time as I used to ‘loathe’ to work in teams, because it would usually mean having other 4 people wanting to be in my team because they knew and I knew I would do it all – yes I would create such a situation for myself and accept to do it all most of the times just so that I could make sure it was done ‘the right way.’ Once again we see that the motivation was fearing it would be a fuckup and believing that ‘my way’ is the ‘best way.’ I have stunned myself whenever I see how cool it is to brainstorm about points to the extent that I can see how funneling everything within the principle of equality can create an actual diversity of perspectives that lead to the same point – yet using different ways and expressions to get there, that’s the cool part.

It’s probably been over a  decade since I started letting go much of the initial hardcore perfectionism I experienced as a child – I mean, when I was around 8 years old if things didn’t go out the way I wanted, I would become frustrated and angry and bottle myself in it only getting to see some ‘light out of the tunnel’ with some support that I would get from my mother at that time, allowing me to see how I was simply able to do the things without having to be so strict and ‘hard on myself.’ I see how I would take such comments like ‘quick fixes’ that she could say in order for me to have like a spoon fed of honey to get past the bitterness, I would not really consider what she was saying. It did support to snap out of it and learn to be more flexible with my own religion. Like if I would say: I go to bed at 9:15 I had to be in bed at that time, no matter where I was I would have to be in bed because otherwise I was breaking my own rules and that was equal to what missing Sunday’s mass is for a hardcore christian.

I created for myself an overly-apprehensive childhood, no one was putting a gun to my head to have set such standards of ‘being the best’ all the time, it was like literal preprogramming running itself wherein my parents never had to bother in asking if I had done my homework or doing exhaustive reviews on my homework. My mother would support me with tools to learn useless data and create questionnaires to enhance the understanding of what I was learning –  that was it.   The drive that I would experience in an almost automated way to ‘be the best one in the class’ was driven by fear of losing my reputation and image toward others.

After these initial years at school I learned ‘the ways of the system’ wherein I simply got to know the ‘rules’ and started manipulating the points to get the desired outcome, extenuating the effort as well.  This is Not Self Perfection at all! Yet from a system perspective it was regarded as such – it was me becoming part of the ones that are able to manipulate things to suit my reputation/ ego. It actually sucks when people build a certain ‘idea of yourself’ and then create all types of expectations of ‘who you are’ and when finally getting to meet you, they eventually see you are just another mortal that is not self perfected – yet.

 

I can also now pinpoint the times in the past wherein I would create this ‘lower standard’ of something I had created even though it was ‘well done’ just to create a ‘safe zone,’ like a margin of error wherein if people thought it wasn’t ‘good enough,’ they would have my initial input of the work ‘not being good enough’ so that they could then measure the end result according to their judgment and my input and create an ‘acceptable average’ from it all. All fucked up complicated value systems – the mind complicates everything and it’s all done just for the sake of keeping up an imaginary standard that apparently can uplift of diminish who we are – it’s not real!

 

From Perfectionism to Self Perfection – the process.

The way to go every time from here on that I experience any perfection-demon kick I  stop for a moment and become aware of what is the driving force within this – what is it that I am actually supporting here and if common sense is not able to be found, we’ll know it’s being an ego-driven task directed to fulfill a certain patterned-idea of myself that is not self-supportive, that will not be applicable for all equally and will only stand as a general bluff within my experience.

Self-perfection is taking all into consideration to the best outcome possible – perfectionism is just ego-driven desires and fears which are the same but just in opposition to each other. It implies then stopping the desire to be ‘the best’ or beating my own standards and self-created ‘records’ to simply continue living in a way that is supportive for myself and everyone equally. That way we let go of measuring ourselves against ourselves and others and feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about it.

“Perfectionism is based in fear – self perfection is based in self creation” – Bernard Poolman

And with that we can see how we’re all walking the process of self creation wherein self perfection is the accumulation of consistent self-application directed toward a best for all outcome.

 

Learn more at: Desteni 

Alterna1


Rewards and the gore of Glory

reward
n    noun a thing given in recognition of service, effort, or achievement.
a fair return for good or bad behavior.
a sum offered for the detection of a criminal, the restoration of lost property, etc.
n    verb give a reward to. show one’s appreciation of (an action or quality) by making a gift.
(be rewarded) receive what one deserves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a system of rewards wherein all actions, thoughts and spoken words that I expressed have been exerted from the starting point of seeking a reaction, seeking a reward as that fulfilling experience that ‘makes me feel good’ which is nothing else but a confirmation of existing as the mind and ego wherein we then give into valuing and worthing ourselves according to such such reactions and responses within the justification and curse of action of ‘reaping what you sow’ with an added self interest and not only within the single realization of being contributing to what creates what’s best for all – I stop from supporting and existing within/as a system that doesn’t know how to move without getting something in exchange.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and measure myself according to what others say and react to in relation to what I place as a point of stimuli seeking reactions within words, images, actions – within this being part of the machinery that runs in this system wherein we follow adds and beliefs that will give us the ‘most reward’, the ‘greatest feeling/experience’ which only focuses on enhancing an ego-experience instead of supporting self movement without seeking something in exchange –

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of reward/ seeking recognition/ seeking personal-glory the single motif to move instead of having made myself the single starting point and end point of my thoughts, words, deeds as part of the self-creative process in equality, wherein there is nothing to earn, noting to lose, no superlatives to create as I realize that it is the very system of values that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as that perpetuates the current world system that lives in separation of self-worth, self-value as LIFE itself. I stop from participating within this continuous search and quest for obtaining a reward, a confirmation that feeds only the ego of the mind and not all that is here in equality as common sense.

 

I place myself in the position of being the cause and end of whatever I say, do and speak meaning, this will be an accumulative process for all equally and not to feed my ego/mind/ idea of self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having been motivated to excel in school for the sake of ‘feeling good’ for ‘having done well in school’ which would then place me in a place of honor wherein everyone wanted to be in ‘my place’ and within this, tacitly accepting that there would be those ‘below me’, those that hadn’t been ‘good enough’ to be next to me which developed a sense of injustice that I could not understand at that time yet within this accepting and allowing  the system of winning and losing as if it was something that I had to accept to be ‘proud ‘of conquering.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of this life an eternal game of winning and losing, of fighting to ‘keep my place’, of creating endless rivalries towards others for the sake of keeping myself ‘on top’ wherein there would then be those that were below and within this, accepting and allowing to trigger reactions within me and others due to the segregation and discrimination that such ‘honors’ create when being in school.  This must stop as part of the schooling system and must be seen for what it is: a harmful way of creating ‘incentives’ for kids to learn and excel in school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept any form of reward as a child for ‘getting good grades’ wherein I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel good’ for having obtained such first places which ‘made me happy’ because it made my parents happy and I would be able to obtain stuff from it which then would make this the point of motivation in separation of myself, even if I would deny the ‘reward’ at times, in the back of my head it felt good.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to walk in zig-zag going back and forth between wanting to be recognized and then being embarrassed or not wanting to be ‘seen’ and thus hide or pretend to be humble while in fact, the thought and experience that would come with the multiple recognitions became part of ‘who I was’ which even if I denied to a certain extent, it became part of the self-worth and how I would perceive myself as a human being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘bad’ about getting recognitions because of going into thoughts of what others/those that didn’t ‘win’ would be thinking about me and my position and within this, fearing being envied and fearing being later on ‘hated for being perfect’ as this is in fact what I had to walk through when going to school.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny such rewards later on yet secretly rejoicing and feeling good about having created a ‘good impression’ within people according to being someone that would always get ‘the first places’ wherein I would then give into the polarity of feeling bad for those that couldn’t have it easy in school – within this never actually questioning why there had to be such obnoxious ‘displays of ego’ as honor-spots for getting ‘good grades’ wherein I learned what it is to envy, what it is to be envied and within this allowing myself to be extremely hurt when people around me would desire to be in my spot and I would then become ‘ashamed’ of having such distinction/separation which led me to rejecting being in such a  conflictive position which I then developed into closing myself off due to fearing ‘overshadowing others’.

It is now clear how this single point developed as a form of desire/rejection of being recognized / seeking recognition wherein in this attempt to ‘equalize’ myself to those that I was taught were ‘less fortunate’ than myself, I engaged in relationships with people that were mostly the opposite of what I was in school which is the ‘me’ that I sought to escape away from, resulting in the creation of a more radical personality, not knowing how to direct my inconformity with the world that would value and worth you according to how obedient you were towards the system. All of this caused extensive inner conflict which I then translated into seeking spirituality, drugs or relationships wherein I could apparently worth/value myself for ‘who I really am’ which was mostly the idea that I created of myself in opposition to the one personality that stood as an ‘A’ Student and an ‘example for all’ to follow’, which bred the same system of comparison instead of simply supporting each other to become equal in potential to be/become what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a system of rewards and punishment as schooling system wherein you get a point of ‘distinction’ that instead of encouraging someone to ‘become better’ it might turn the other way around when not being supported effectively to become equal to our fullest potential – within this instead of motivating kids/ people, we seclude ourselves into eternal comparison and constant rivalry of winning and losing that only feeds the ego of the mind .

This is how parents, teachers literally supported my delusion of being special, of being quite a ‘unique student’ and thus as a result triggering extensive envy and rejection from my fellow school mates which then lead me to go through extensive suffering for having being bullied as a ‘smart ass’ and suffering the envy of those that I deemed my ‘best friends’. It was quite harsh at that time, being 6/7 years old and realizing that your so called best friends could literally turn their back against you in one moment, I just couldn’t understand it. Later on the same people would simply be fed up by the recognition I’d get which lead to further comparisons that made me wonder why on Earth isn’t everyone able to just ‘be a s good in school’ – you know, sometimes we only see the one ‘fucked up side of the coin’ without pondering on how it obviously also gets to affect those who are seemingly ‘on top’ – it did create quite an inner conflict, yet I didn’t give that up because I still held myself as that requirement to ‘excel’.

Sustaining an ‘ego-status’ in this world is linked to money = sustaining the system of greed as ourselves. 

When we are in school we are taught to compete against each other for the ‘first place’, for being ‘the best in our class’ as this will ensure that, as we grow up, we enter the system living out the point of ‘I must beat the other to get the best job/place in society wherein I can make the most money’ and within this competitiveness is bred, ensuring a false sense of improvement that only provides fresh never ending energy placed into the attainment process of such ‘powerful/ superior’ position. I forgive myself that I have accepted this very single act of separation and value over Life itself to become the single mechanism of how this world operates, disregarding Life and everyone as equal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my classmates that would tell me how they wanted to get my cardex to show it off to their parents so they could get awesome stuff as a reward for them getting excellent grades in school without realizing that within me having accepted such rewards in any form – either money stuff or single remarks of ‘achievement’ I was in essence complying to creating my self-worth and value according to such rewards obtained by others.

This entire pedestal position bothered me as much as I would react when not getting such recognition – This entire conflict here was implanted at an early age by the single acceptance of giving value to myself according to how obedient and how ‘well’ I did in school which I was taught would be the ‘value of my life/ who I am’ which I accepted as real and thus, continued placing effort into being a ‘good student’ for the sake of maintaining a reputation and a certain status that as much as I said I loathed, I would also enjoy due to then being able to stand as a ‘special person’, being acknowledged by others within that and enhancing a sense of popularity  – this encouraged my beliefs and ideas of being someone ‘unique’ yet remaining within the same conflict of ‘why can’t everyone have it as easy as well?’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always had to get a reward for anything I did or say towards others and basing my existence on the quality and nature of such rewards wherein I could confirm that ‘I am accepted/worthy/ valuable person’ or ‘Rejected/ unworthy/ invaluable’ based on what others could assess and say about me according to the system standards that I have tacitly accepted and allowed my the single allowance of identifying myself as such attributes and qualifications.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to delegate such power to others without realizing that this is the very way I learned to ‘exist’ in this world from an early age wherein every time I didn’t get the recognition I wanted, whenever I didn’t get the attention required, I would resort into further seclusion and hostility, a form of anger for having delegated who I am as only being this ‘excellent student’ which lead me to retreat and seek other ways of recognition wherein the apparent ‘intelligence/smartness’ I had would take no place in defining ‘who I am’ – within this seeking the studies and careers wherein I could essentially deviate as much as possible from using what I understood then as intelligence and my ‘natural abilities’ which were part of the preprogrammed assets that create extensive inequality in this world.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by preprogramming and limit/ seclude myself further by wanting to oppose such programming yet never actually realizing I did as I was meant to do which was the single point of conflict that would ensure I would remain in eternal conflict towards myself, my position and the world instead of focusing on creating me from a new-starting point wherein I can take what I am effective at and optimize myself in all other points wherein I perceived myself to be flawed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play such a role of always being ‘on top’ and ‘recognized’ to the point of creating myself as the type of affable personality wherein I could then seek to be worthy and recognized according to my personality, likes and dislikes. This lead me to then seeking the opposite as in seeking to create a ‘new me’ based not on these previous self-definitions but instead seeking worth and value  by people that were not familiar with ‘who I was’ in school. Within this I didn’t realize how in my attempt to spite the system, to spite my family and everyone around that held this idea of myself as intelligent/good person/ responsible, I spited myself wherein I allowed myself to indulge into things that I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been driven by an ego that sought to redeem itself from an early accepted and allowed position. Within this creating conflict only for myself and seeking to go ‘against the tide’ for the sake of redeeming myself as the other side of the coin.

 

It is only now that my preprogramming is challenged that I can see how fear was an obvious drive to do and be what I was, even if I talked myself into believing I was doing it for myself, it was also for the sake of keeping that ego wherein as much as I believed myself to ‘not care’ about such positions, I would and within this create a sense of acceptance or rejection by others.

 

I had almost forgotten how this single point of being accepted/ rejected was so draining, we literally spent our lives trying to be accepted, acknowledge and get a certain position as a ‘reward’ to our application, to our effort, doing it for all and everything else but ourselves – or even if the ‘I do it for myself part’ it was never truly unconditional.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only act based on ‘what I will earn’ instead of every having actually directed myself to do and be something – I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be unconditional in my expression but always expecting a single point of confirmation that I exist, fulfilling within this the sense of  the ‘me’ that exists as a a mind consciousness system that is constantly seeking to feed itself to keep existing.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea of a heaven wherein I would be rewarded for having been a ‘good person’ in this life – with this single belief accepting the soul-system as the determining factor of my good or bad karma as the ability to decide whether I had been ‘good’ or ‘bad ‘ and decide accordingly the type of experience I’d get after I died which implied I believed in an afterlife wherein all my actions, words and deeds would be reviewed by a ‘superior’ and then give me the ‘eternal life’ accordingly.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shape and mold myself according to ‘how the system works’ and accepting that for everything and anything I do I must obtain something back in ‘equal worth/value’ to that which I am giving away hence never actually being unconditional within what I said, did, wrote.

This idea created yet another conflict because apparently I learned that not asking for anything in return was something actually ‘stupid’ to do – then if asking ‘too much’I’d feel ‘guilty’  due to the same acceptance of the current system wherein everything I’ve got has a certain value which is all linked ultimately to money.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in a system of compensation and punishment which stand as the polarity of judging our actions as ‘good/worthy’ or ‘bad/ inadequate’ which we then accepted as ‘who we are’ and allowed myself to be defined accordingly within the world system that stands as a hierarchical system wherein the more you comply to god/ the system, the better position and compensations you have – and instead accepting and approving the fact that those that stood outside of the norm should get punished and eventually denied any sense of self-worth.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stand in one side of the pole that ensured that the rest could virtually not obtain the same results I had as no two bodies could occupy the same space and within this, accepting the fact that another had to be on top and another below.

 

I can say that I continued with such application of ‘being a good student’ throughout my latest studies in art school – though the starting point changed, it wasn’t for the sake of obtaining a number but simply doing what I required to do as part of school, taking responsibility for what needs to be done. This is something that I would explain to people when they would ask ‘how do you do it’? I saw that many were motivated by getting some reward by teachers, parents and the system, I would simply reply that this was the single point of responsibility I had and so I simply did what had to be done.

So, acting from the starting point of ourselves is one challenge in a world built-up as a system of rewards, yet this can be changed within ourselves in allowing us to see the starting point of why we speak, write, share, do and direct ourselves in everything we do from a common-sense starting point of being a single supportive point for self-realization, for self-equalization as Life in all ways. This can be done so, let’s walk as it.

 

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                  Stopping the hierarchy within the system begins with ourselves


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