193. Self Motivation – Self Movement

To read the entire Procrastination character walked thus far, visit

162. Either Do it or DIE « MarlenLife’s Blog

I’ll be writing self forgiveness on the specific points that lead to procrastination which have to do with the motivation aspects to ‘move’ and ‘do things’ in our reality, wherein if it’s not based on earning a reward/ there being something for us as a ‘positive experience,’ we simply don’t direct ourselves / don’t do what is required to be done.

And this is how it all started:

I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having procrastinated things because there is no positive reward/ money in it as a point of incentive that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn is the only reason why I should ‘move’ and do things within my reality – furthermore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this very same thinking pattern, believe that because I won’t be making money out of my career, then ‘what is the point of being a ‘licensed pro’ at it?’ without realizing that in both cases, my procrastination and deliberate neglect toward this final examination point is showing how I have been used to only moving myself if there is some positive reward/ money and/or future benefit from it, without realizing that this is actually a system requirement and as such it is part of finishing what I begun and getting the actual paper that will certify all the years that I did spend in school, which is a point within the system that is definitely required to be walked and to obtain.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I require some positive incentive in order to commit myself to my tasks, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to move and direct myself within the consideration of such task/ activity being in the best interest of all, which includes that which I believe would only ‘benefit me’ such as a career, without realizing that this is a point required by the system in order to validate the years spent in school – thus it is not a matter of preference, but a requisite in order to validate myself within the system.

 

I commit myself to be my own motivation regarding all points that I decide to participate in as an opportunity for me to expand myself in my world and reality and within this, also walking any resistance toward anything bureaucratic in nature, such as final papers/ examinations and protocols at an academic level, which is how I commit myself to simply breathe through it, get to do the necessary contacts and arrangements and get it done.

 

The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.

When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see money/ fame/ good life as a motivation to move in my reality and the moment that such motivation is no longer ‘here,’ I stopped caring about my career and getting to the last tip of it even knowing that I had to do it anyways – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move when and as there is money involved in what I commit myself to do/ act and direct in terms of responsibilities/ studies within the system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a prey of my own dishonest starting point for studying a career as within the impetus of going for it for a personal benefit, once that personal benefit is no longer a point sought within me within this career, I stopped caring about it all and in this, going into a cycle of just walking through it without any actual direction to use the point and opportunity to expand myself in my world, as after all, it was my decision made at all times to study what I studied – thus, I take responsibility for my words, my decisions, my life and stopped believing that ‘I must do this for the system’ but do it for myself, as the starting point of all that I do.

 

When and as I see myself requiring a reason outside of myself to do things, I stop and I breathe –  I realize that this has been a point of self-sabotage most of the times as within having a reason to do things outside of myself implies that I am not being the directive principle of the task, but doing it ‘for something/ for someone.’ Thus

 

I commit myself to be the starting point of everything that I do in the consideration of the requirements that I have to participate in/ complete as part of this world system, as well as the consideration of me doing this as a practical action and direction to see how it is possible to direct oneself without being motivated by external factors of either a positive  (money/ recognition) charge or negative charge (fear of not having a license in the system/ fear of wasting my studies) as I see and realize that at all times, all tasks to be done imply a point of self-movement: what is best for all as best for myself within the consideration of my own commitment to do and participate in that which I have agreed to work and participate in as part of my responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use reasoning as excuses and justifications which is knowledge and information in order to not do things based on my ‘wants/ needs/ desires’ wherein the moment there is no ‘positive incentive’ to move, I simply don’t move and relegate the point aside as if it was actually not important to work with, not realizing that it is not about what I can ‘get’ from it as an experience, but simply realizing: what Must Be Done no matter what – and in this, I stop seeking for a ‘reason’ to do it, and instead become my own self-willed direction to do it, without having anyone or anything in the background of my head as a reason to ‘push through’ as this would be separation and only lead to further cycles of ‘reasoning’ why I would rather just continue Not doing it and leave he point without any direction.

 

When and as I see myself reasoning why I should not do a task – I stop and I breathe – I bring the point here as what it physically entails, the consequences that doing it and not doing it in reality are and stick to this practical outflow of my decisions, instead of weighing my decisions based on the values that I’ve given to such task as a point of preference and the level of ‘uselessness’ that I’ve guarded toward acquiring a professional title within being an artist.

 

I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself based on knowledge and information toward the tasks to be done, and I actually realize that it is only a moment of standing up and taking responsibility for what I had agreed upon studying and finishing it till it is done. Those were my words when I begun, and those are the actions I have to live.

I realize that the most prominent point within this procrastination point was also the extensive judgment toward my own choices for a career and within this, seeing such final title/ paper/ license as equally useless, which then became this whole ‘uselessness’ experience toward it, wherein I deliberately placed it aside, just the same way that in the dream I thought of the job as ‘not necessary’ and simply deciding to ‘not go to my job and remain with what I have.’

 

I commit myself to to stop assessing what I do based on the ‘investment value’ that I have given to all things in my life, wherein even if it is a point of responsibility if I am not considering it at face value/ according to my personal interests as something ‘important’ then I simply not do it, without realizing that If I applied the same reasoning to all things in my reality, and all beings acted the same way, it would only create a replica of the world we have today, wherein each one is only seeking after our personal interests while neglecting everything else as ‘non of my business/ not my ‘responsibility’’  – within this

 

I commit myself to understand that Self Responsibility is Not selective and that I cannot ‘choose’ what I apply myself with and what not – it is about a principle of committing myself to certain responsibilities and walking through them till it is done.

 

So, the key words here are Self Movement and Self Will – again, which have become the pillars of the realizations in the past wherein I would get ‘stuck’ within something even within writing and not writing everyday in the past, and how I had to deliberately get myself out of the loop not by an external motivation but, as a realization that I had to continue writing as a proof to myself that nothing and no one can motivate me to support myself, but myself and that way I can stand as my own authority.

 

I realize that in the Equal Money System, we won’t require to go through points like getting ‘credentials’ for money either or survival – thus this is a point to train myself to move without an incentive and realizing this point as part of the responsibilities acquired within the ability to have a career/ having studied.

 

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172. Creating Excuses instead of Solutions

Continuing with the Backchat point that I began walking yesterday within the procrastination character

A backchat-point that is more ingrained and let’s say ‘case specific’ is not only with regards to a sheer point of laziness/ procrastination that is physically here – yes – however the reasons behind it which all do happen at the level of backchat an internal conversations have more to do with how I have judged this particular task as useless, as a mere protocol, as meaningless within the consideration of what type of degree this is, even seeing it as a waste of time and money to get it done – all of it yes, excuses existing only in my mind that I have given value to in order to continue justifying my ‘demotivation’ to do it, however if we look at ourselves and this world, we have become so used to motivate ourselves for a specific positive-outcome or positive-experience to do things that it then becomes one of the ‘fuels’ that keep us running.

As I write this I also see how I am squandering an opportunity that many people would have liked to have, which is then absolutely unacceptable, because I am aware of the rate of individuals that are in no way able to assist to college or pay for an entire career to get to the point of graduation. I am aware that my education cost me literally cents every year, however that doesn’t mean that because it is almost ‘free’ my commitment to it must not change.

I also see another point which is how I have accepted and allowed my personal experience toward the career in itself to be a decisive factor for me to not want to ‘do this’ based on preference – once again, in my mind this was like a disenchanted romance that ended up in my mind rather ‘bad’ from the perspective of me not wanting anything to do with ‘art’ at all. Thus this is the main point for me to work with, because I see there is an attraction/ repulsion going on which can only exist as a reverend masterpiece of mindfuckism™ that I have created within this.

So – I’ll walk the most prominent backchat within this that I can see can be an ever ‘deeper’ level of excuses and justifications to not do things.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘this is something utterly useless to do’ which is based on me believing that having an art degree is useless, which is stemming from my introspection and realization of how and why I decided to study art in the first place, which became a point I judged as shallow, ‘easy way out of the system,’ and essentially avoiding to be ‘in the system’ according to my standards back then, which is how I make it all as if it had been a drag to complete my studies, simply because of not seeing myself with the enthusiasm and ‘love for art’ that I initially believed I had – thus I realize that within this ‘low’ after the great romance with art, I experienced myself demotivated to have anything to do with it, which implies that I am still holding on to my own remorse and repent for having chosen this career as a 5 year-study in my life that I won’t be dedicating myself to – and as I write this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and a general nervousness within the area of the solar plexus due to me making time as something that has been squandered / useless within my life when studying art, without realizing that such categorization and valuation in time can only exist if I measure myself according to what ‘others’ have done in their lives/ what their careers will be/ have been which I have considered are more suitable to our current reality and projects within this world, other than having an ‘art degree.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a slight shame of myself when people ask what I studied, almost as if I wanted to hide the fact that I studied art for seeing it now as a useless piece of study and wasted time in my life, instead of actually considering that it is a career just as any other career in our current world system wherein no-career is in fact precisely supportive for human beings, as all careers and studies are currently veered toward maintaining a world system based on money/ survival wherein no life is currently being considered as THE point to support within all careers and all studies.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter if I walked the ‘artist character’ I did not precisely tap into the judgments and criticism toward art itself and all the backchat I’ve held toward it which is similar to what one partner would have to say about another partner when the relationship didn’t work out – thus, I realize that my grudge toward myself for my own choices in life, are affecting me to finally do this ‘final kick’ as I am seeing myself being apparently incongruent with having to write about ‘my experience’ in school which is something that I have still judged as a ‘useless/ waste of time,’ while fearing actually hurting/ demeaning people’s activity there which is all related to art, obviously.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had a ‘real affection’ for art or ‘real love’ for art as I used to say to myself, without realizing that I simply chose this a s point to get infatuated with , as it covered my then personality requirements and satisfied me as my ego – which is how and why after walking this process almost from the beginning of my career, I had a tough time having to realize how I had fooled myself around the whole ‘art thing’ in the first place as a total character that I embodied/ became for my personal benefit and desires to be famous/ well known and have good money without having to be ‘in the system,’ which is how due to holding a judgment toward myself for such choices in life, I now don’t want ‘anything to do’ with it, without realizing that it is very convenient backchat that I have formulated in order to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people/ professors are expecting something of me – while at the same time realizing that I haven’t really built any ‘artist portfolio’ that I could present myself with, which I had created as a separate aspect of myself in relation to being a ‘visual artist’ without realizing that I am actually walking the process of creating myself which in itself, must also be an ‘art’ as a self-mastery that is not related to color or shapes or concepts other than working with the concept that I’ve become – thus there is no point to use the backchat of ‘they must be expecting something ‘great’ from me within this work’ which is only one added point of fearing not being ‘good enough’ within others’ expectations, which is then an aspect that I see myself being ‘limited by’ – wanting to in my mind create this ‘great revolutionary work’ and thinking of all the possible ways to approach it, instead of actually physically writing it out, arranging it so that it becomes an actuality instead of just a ‘great thing’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own standards of ‘excellence’ within me that I am eventually tampering my ability to work with myself, and this is in relation to who I am with regards to the idea of myself as ‘the great student’ and within this belief of myself, still holding it as a background and character that I must apparently ‘fulfill’ at the eyes of the academy,  which is then me as ego wanting to do a work as ego, not really benefiting anyone with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now go into a ‘guilty experience’ due to having squandered time to get this done, and realizing that many would have wanted to be in my position which is just another way to blackmail myself into feeling ‘bad’ and thus moving myself only out of guilt and remorse instead of simply clearing my starting point to do this work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of doing this work as a way to simply ‘get this done and over with,’ which is not entirely stemming from self-stability and decision to do it, but mostly like a ‘stone/ obstacle to get out of the way’ which is then not an equal and one participation moment to moment to do it, but mostly something that is simply done to ‘get over with it’ which contains an entire experience of my own disillusionment with the career, which is just like signing away a divorce by first having to spend one more time with the ‘ex-partner’ without really being together any longer thus –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my entire career as a failed-decision, a failed-marriage, a failed-experience due to realizing the starting point in self honesty of me having chosen this career. Thus instead of further victimization with regards to seeing it all as a ‘wrong choice,’ I realize that this is further excuses and justifications wherein I have considered ‘how I feel’ toward art/  my career and create a relationship with it, instead of seeing it as any other systematic task that I must accomplish as part of the responsibilities I hold toward my world and reality ‘as is.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed so much bullshit to run around in my mind as backchat that I ‘pay attention to’ in order to procrastinate this point within the ‘uselessness’ category, wherein I see that in my mind I apparently would expect to ‘invest my time’ in something ‘greater’ however, this is a blatant excuse as that would be creating my own value system according to what I consider is ‘more valuable/ more worthy to spend my precious time on’ and what not, which is not so.

 

I realize that this work to be done is actually a cool opportunity to leave a whole new perspective of approaching – well not entirely/ absolutely ‘New’ but continuing where Beuys left off – the creative act and creation in itself of the individual and society as a whole.

 

I realize that all of these statements, future projections, past regrets and spiteful actions toward ‘my career’ are in fact toward myself and my choice to study art, which implies that I must first forgive myself unconditionally for the choices I’ve made in my life – which is a necessary point to not make this ‘more’ than what it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my career to this ‘bad experience/ bad romance’ that ended up ‘bad’ according to the high expectations that I had held toward myself, my career and my so-called certainty to change my vocation to art instead of being a linguist, wherein I see there is a point of regret – however, there is no point in holding on to this –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for all the amount of money that my father spent on this career all for me to eventually ‘be an artist’ which I am not going to be in this life, and within this use this point of ‘feeling bad’ as another excuse to simply Not do this at all, as a way to not wanting to be facing my own decision within doing the work, not wanting to face my own career choice while doing the work – and all of these limitations have climbed up to become an obstacle that has become like a grudge within me that I have used as a justification and excuse to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience failure within me when seeing people actually enjoying themselves within the career and already moving within the artworld wherein I see myself as nowhere near that or even interested in that which has also become a point of comparison and believing that I cannot possibly write about something that I am not fully committed to – which implies that I am still seeing the starting point of doing this work as it being ‘for the academy’ instead of this work being for myself, to actually complete what I have vowed myself to do and finish from the beginning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/ pay attention and even use these mind assessments of my reality as something ‘valuable’ to consider in order to direct myself within my world and reality, which is unacceptable considering that none of them are in fact standing within the consideration of supporting and assisting myself to get things done without using any background information/ backchat to decide whether doing it or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a way to convince me that this would not have to be done in the end and within me holding a ‘hope’ that somehow this would not have to be done, that I would be able to regain my automatic graduation point without having to do this work, without realizing that in such hope I am existing in a similar way to a faithfully deceived religious person that waits for something/ someone to fix their situation, instead of taking Self Responsibility at all times.

 

I realize that I have all the ability to stop associating this work to being the fruit of a failed decision in life and instead, align its starting point to a living decision that I’ve made to dedicate myself to what is best for all and as such, realizing that no matter for whom or for what I write, what I write as myself, my expression, no need to ‘fix myself’ to suit parameters that I have believed myself I must ‘fake’ in order to please others, this is about my own creation that stands as an extension of myself, my own realizations and as such, is no different to writing a blog, writing a post, writing myself to explain myself to any other person.

I realize that I have been the only one that has been the real obstacle within this all as the relationship of love/hate I created toward my career choice,  nothing else but another character that I made of myself – thus this stops here.

 

I commit myself to stop creating excuses and justifications as thoughts of how and why this is something useless to do and that I’d rather ‘do something else,’ without realizing that these are just blatant excuses to not do this in fact – thus, I direct myself to establish me as the starting point of this work, to establish myself as the directive principle within this task instead of still thinking that I am doing this for ‘someone else’ or only to ‘get a paper.’ I instead assist and support me to realize that I am my own starting point at all times of everything that I do, write, say and think even, wherein I can decide in one single moment to step out of character and this entire relationship toward my past and simply do this as a fresh-point that I decide to begin here.

I realize that I do not require to ‘carry’ all my past and personal experience within it, but actually be able to create a common sensical perspective upon creation/ creative process in itself in means of creating oneself as an individual that is able to become an equal part of the whole while using our self-creative abilities to do so, which is what begins with myself by writing this out and using this document as a way to also support others to realize the same.

 

More to continue.. Yes, until it is done.

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164. Who am I within Procrastination (2)

If we are really looking into this, we can only develop a point of Self Trust according to how we LIVE self trust and what I had experienced it before in my process was according to my ability to live the corrections and commitments to myself as this process –

Therefore, this is another aspect/ factor when it comes to living out a point of procrastination for an extended period of time and allowing it to grow like a tumor that we then just panic about when it become this unbearable and inconspicuous part of ourselves that cannot possibly be hidden any longer.

What comes up? Self judgment would want to come up, however I immediately see that I can simply take this point from here on, not judging myself for having fallen on this point, as I realize that any point that is here to be corrected t is the simply a point to take on, correct and stand up – simply walking the correction, walk the talk and within this ensuring that I do not stand behind my own shadow-self as the consciousness-experience of ‘all is fine’ and instead dare to face the consequences and the points that I had deliberately dismissed – and I write ‘deliberately’ as I see that there is always a deliberateness to anything that we in a moment decide NOT to do, and that’s tapping into the various dimensions as they are being walked within Heaven’s Journey To Life blog that is being a pivotal point of support within me to get myself ‘back on track’ within this seemingly ‘unimportant point,’ which now it’s very clear how the ‘unimportant’ and devaluation to the actual task at hand serves only for the purpose to give myself a ‘free range’ to simply go through another day without just doing it.

Within this I realize that the aspect of ‘others’ and who am I at the eyes of others is really not relevant within this, this is about myself as the commitment that I have taken for/as myself and that I have realized and lived to a certain extent must be absolute in all aspects for me to experience myself absolutely Here, without any snowballs attached dragging along an entire past of ‘unresolved/ undirected points’ within my reality, which I also KNOW beforehand are never as ‘bad’ as I imagined them to be.

In all of this, we can see how it is only within myself, my own acceptance and allowance to participate in the mind that I’ve become subject to my mind instead of standing one and equal to it. Is this a lesson I can only learn and never again repeat? Yes, as other points that I have proven myself being able to walk, live and be self directive within, I realize that I am also perfectly able and capable of standing up from this and walk the point from square 1.

I also realize that when we hit ourselves on the face of reality and realize the amount of time we lived in this ‘unbalancing act,’ we then try and catch up to everything in one go, creating then the experience of it begin then ‘too much’ or ‘impossible to get to,’ which are ALSO mind-mechanisms to not get it done. I can even see how I can use ‘supporting others’ as an excuse to not get to my own doings and writings, which is certainly not an option to do since we are all perfectly capable of making time instead of being sucked by it and wasting it in really non-supportive activities that I will disclose later on.

Thus, I assist and support myself to walk each one of these thoughts to not get it done by actually Getting to everything, creating a point of balance within my tasks, prioritize, stop any point of distraction and in fact support myself to Live Here realizing that every breath is here as an opportunity for myself to give myself self-direction. And this I also realize doesn’t require a point of ‘background’ of ‘who I am/ what I have been/done’ in the past, but it is simply here for me to walk and as such I stop basing my application according to the past as that would be also comparing ‘me’ to ‘who I was,’ which is only existent as memories. I work with the actuality of myself here, without any judgment and focusing on the physical tasks that must be done.

Within this all it is to walk the point for what it is, not creating any further judgments or experiences toward what is already done, what is gone is gone and there’s nothing else to do but to ensure the point is corrected from the get go here.

Furthermore, I invite You the reader to walk aside, to take on this point of getting things done/ committing ourselves to stop procrastination in any aspect within our reality within the understanding that we tend to blame and complain about ‘the system’ and how ‘ineffective it is,’ without realizing how this world is created out of the choices we’ve made and at the moment, our seemingly ‘unimportant factors’ such as procrastination that we have lived out as ourselves are in fact being the building blocks of our current world-system and our inner-experience of course, as we can see how a point of well being is also based on us being living day by day ensuring that we get things done, as I see and realize this is an actual physical aspect of our lives, it is not thinking it is not entertaining or deviating ourselves within any other point that may be ‘occupying our time’ which is not to be blamed for, but seen as the deliberate point of distraction that it represents within our minds.

Within this it is to see and observe what in our reality has become a point of distraction – either an event, something you want to buy, someone you’re ‘interested’ in, a certain career you are pursuing, a certain possession/ ownership that represents a significant increase in your income ,a future trip/ vacation, a personal event such as having kids, getting married, changing your job, someone dying, someone being born, TV, media, magazines, news, virtually anything can be grouped within the various points that we can distract ourselves with eventually creating these nice comfortable bubbles wherein we become only observers of our reality instead of living in it and seeing ‘who am I’ within participating in all of these aspects and their actual tangible ‘value’ to invest our time in – and this is within the questions that I learned from Anu in asking: how is this in any way supporting myself in my process? and within that, one will be able to spot any point of dishonesty and actually do-the-doing of stopping and correcting the point.

It is also a point to question/ ask myself: who am I within this relationship of procrastination? I could call myself many names that’s clear, however it’s not the point – it is actually not even seeing the point of ‘what is there to be done’ as the actual ‘thing-to-do’ but instead see the who am I within this procrastination as a deliberate point of inaction/ irresponsibility created in ‘full awareness’ which is the relationship that I created as myself toward another point in my reality and allowing it to just ‘bloom’ until the weeds become unbearable. Well, this is certainly an aspect that I am not willing to continue and this is what I can call officially riding again the horse instead of standing next to it fearing to be squashed by him in any given moment.

This will surely continue

 

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Blogs:

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Communication – The Quality of Community

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Great Series to understand how INSANE it is to judge ourselves, and how Insane it is to think reality instead of Living it:

• The Spirituality of the Snail – Part 1

• The Spirituality of the Snail – Part 2

• The Spirituality of the Snail – Part 3

 

Point to ponder: how it is that animals coming through the portal are able to tell us about physical living and Humans that have crossed over are only able to tell us about their fuckups when being alive?  Who is more ‘HERE’ then? Quite obvious – hear and find out why within the Snail interviews.

Other new releases:

• Life Review – Only this ONE last Time…

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163. Who am I within Procrastination?

This is a necessary point to open up in order to give myself the opportunity to actually see beyond the immediate self interest of ‘doing things later’  and how within this we’re essentially only caring about our Own experience while neglecting the actual effect and consequence that such actions have ‘beyond our nose’ which is a way to explain how within our words, deeds and actions we have only ever considered ‘ourselves’ as individuals, placing aside any perspective wherein the consideration of the whole is in fact an equal and one realization. And this is the point missed in fact, how within our individual processes we tend to ‘lose perspective’ of an actual oneness and equality of what’s being walked, and within this somehow think that because of us not doing something/ doing something, we don’t affect the whole – but we do, oh yes we certainly do, otherwise how else would we be able to manifest the world as it currently exist?

I realized the point of self-trust within myself how within me shoving aside a point to be done, I create this ‘burden’ within me wherein one would want to believe that nothing else gets ‘affected’ by it, but it is not so, it ALL gets equally affected by this one single point as I see that the who am I within this one single point of procrastination cannot be separate from any other aspect of myself as it is not the ‘bad me’ that is not taking responsibility for it, it is the totality of myself that is taking this decision to simply not give direction to one point.

And so, within this, I thought that I could somehow brush aside, hide under the rug that which I knew all the way was here, waiting for me to give it direction. And the actual realization after finally opening this entire point up is ‘why waiting/ why having to wait till all shit hits the fan to move?’

Another dimension – of the plethora of dimensions that have stemmed from this – is how we become uncertain about our own words, our very stance within our commitment to live whenever we are Aware of one single aspect that we are not giving direction to – one or more I’d say – and as such, it is a point wherein I realize I cannot possibly continue fooling myself, yet I managed to do it for so long that it became like an ‘integral aspect’ of myself wherein I would exist in this parasitical relationship toward ‘my procrastination’ as this constant cloud in the head that I would carry around and only access to it in a conscious manner whenever I activated the Time factor during my day. However the fact that I would not apparently ‘think’ about it doesn’t mean it was not there. It was pretty much here and I see how this one single aspect started seeping through anything else and this past week was a key point for me to realize, like taking myself as far as only doing the absolutely basics and responsibilities that I have taken on toward others, however I have neglected the most basic responsibility which is toward myself, at all times – and within this there exists like a massive shift of responsibility and self-commitment wherein I see the pattern wherein I have kept my constant and consistent application of commitments and responsibilities in an ‘okay’ manner toward Others, but when it came to me, my own process, my own writings, I was only really doing the basics of it, not being absolutely here committing myself to the points that I realize require my immediate attention and dedication.

So, I see and realize that this point might as well take me quite some time to take on and I see/ realize and understand that unless I decide to stand absolute this time, nothing will change and nothing will move, which is leaving the door open for me to creep back to old patterns of procrastination or leaving things up to the last minute within the belief that ‘somehow’ I have always managed to get things done in a perfect manner at the last moment, which is Also another aspect to debunk within this all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create procrastination and exist as procrastination based on the relationship I formed toward that which I have to do, instead of actually realizing that it’s not about ‘what’ needs to be done, but who am I within procrastinating, postponing a task/ job/ assignment/ work that I realize I have to do and ‘get moving,’ wherein within shoving it aside, brushing of this point to complete and give direction to, I allowed myself to create a massive timeloop of inaction and abdication of responsibility essentially, because in my mind every time that the point would come up to give direction to, I always gave it a ‘second go’ to ‘do it later/ rather wait for the ‘right moment,’ which is the same as waiting for the holy ghost to come and motivate me in a sense, which is obviously delusional as it is only me that can move myself and give myself proper self-direction, instead of lagging and dragging thing undone/ incomplete around me.

When and as I see myself realizing that it is time to get myself writing/ doing the task that I require to get done and immediately having the subtle fear of this being a ‘long dreary process to complete,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only a fear thought that I’ve created as the main resistance to this, which taps into fear of being judged, fear of having to do things more than once and within this existing as a bunch of fears in the mind that I can simply stop in one breath and direct myself to simply do it which implies, opening up the word processor and typing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind possession around the point of procrastination allow myself to actually not be tied to this one single point in the back of my head, not giving it direction and allowing it to ‘grow’ further and further while believing that somehow I would eventually ‘get to it/ give it direction’ without realizing the obvious which is if I don’t move and if I don’t direct myself to do it, it simply won’t ever be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my entire stance as my process just because of compromising my every breath to be subject to this point of dragging the past as ‘who I am’ in every moment that I see ‘time’ and realize all the things that I am dragging along with time, which is one of the main factors that I have enslaved myself to and not allowing myself to fully be here as breath, as every breath is a reminder of all the things ‘left behind’ instead of actually utilizing every breath to Move myself physically to get it done and within this, stop abusing myself as the physical that I am in fact consuming as the point of procrastination, because this actually creates a point of constant preoccupation and an experience of ‘having something to do’ all the time, which is how we create our own pre-occupations instead of immediately giving it direction as the moment that one realize there is a point to direct/ give direction to.

When and as I see myself compromising my entire process and my beingness to further procrastinate a single point of giving myself direction to do/ complete a task/ job/ paper/ work – I stop and I breathe – I give myself the opportunity to actually take the thoughts coming up, taking the pictures coming up in my mind in relation to working on this project and actually doing it, as the very thoughts are then pointing out to me that which I am separating myself from.

I realize that the more I give ‘length’ for these thoughts to go seemingly ‘unnoticed’ and are ‘brushed aside,’ the more I am in fact accumulating/ piling up this burden within me that I realize is not cool at all to live with, as this is the type of thinking and Not doing that keeps myself enslaved to one single point with no self-direction, instead of actually supporting myself to walk the thoughts into an actual doing and within this stopping the pre-occupation and directing myself to occupation on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of disparity within my process wherein I am creating this point of ‘absolute responsibility’ only to a certain aspects in my reality but Not toward everything that is of myself and my immediate responsibilities, which implies the point of giving time to ‘support others’ and forgetting about my own process of actually getting into the necessary and immediate points to walk through self forgiveness – thus

When and as I see myself in any given moment going into a point of desire to support others to the t and deliberately leaving my own process aside and ‘saving it for later,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have a schedule with which i can support myself to occupy my time to take care of my basic responsibilities and at the same time use the rest of the time to get my work done, as I realize that every time this would emerge I would then use the excuse and justification of ‘others’ as a point to ‘take care of’ toward others/ something else other than my own process to stop procrastination and get the actual work done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that somehow I would manage to get things done ‘perfectly fine’ up to the last minute as I had done in the past, without realizing that i cannot possibly relay on ‘the past’ to define me and my own self direction here – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything will turn out just fine in the end’ is based on a positive attitude within this seemingly automatic ‘benefit’ I would always experience within being a ‘good student in school’ wherein no matter if I would do things up to the last minute – such as writing an assignment/ studying for an exam – I would always have a positive result within it, and within this, creating a pattern of laxity towards tasks/ assignments/ projects that require to be completed in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘everything will turn out just fine in the end’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is one of the key backchat thoughts that I have used to continue procrastinating within the belief that ‘no matter what I do, it will always be fine,’ which is basing my current self application based on the past wherein I was always getting positive results even if I had procrastinated the point for a long time – which is an absolutely unacceptable belief within me, that because it worked in the past it can work now – and also I realize that even if it did work, all the time spent within this procrastination loop has already caused consequence within my physical body due to the extent of energy consumed in order to maintain such point of resistance and procrastination in place, which is like loading an app in your computer that you simply never get to use and it’s always there giving you reminders of requiring and update, and one know it requires action from our side but instead we just ‘let it be’ with no self direction, which seems ludicrous when looking at the reality of the ‘problem,’ however this is how things are ‘blown out of proportion’ in our mind when not being fully self-directive here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my life for granted within believing/ thinking/ perceiving that ‘I will have time the next day for it,’ and within this actually making a statement of giving up in that very moment my ability to live and instead take the next day for granted as a ‘given time’ for me to do things, instead of doing what Is required to be done in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a plethora of excuses to justify my self interest in every moment that I tacitly imply that I do not want to do something and instead do something else that I perceive as ‘more relevant’ in my mind, which is a form of excusing doing that which ‘I like/ prefer doing’ than that which must be done, which most likely comes as a point of actual self-movement that won’t have a mind-urgency to it, but it is actually one of the points that I realize I have to implement and Will myself to do it, as I realize how the moment that we abdicate our breathing to support the mind, we stop being self-willed beings and become mind-driven robots seeking for self interest only.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to honor myself, my every moment of being here with doing/being/living/ becoming that which is self supportive at all times, instead of only focusing on that which has become our own demise as humanity which is following our self interest blindly with no further questioning of the consequences that following this ‘good feeling’ experience as the force we allow ourselves to be driven by eventually manifest throughout time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that within only considering ME and my point of preference/ self interest, I am simply declaring the mind’s absolute reign over the physical and within these seemingly ‘unimportant points’ such as procrastinating on a task actually neglect the effect that this has at an existential level which is something that is not exaggerated as it is in the very participation that we all have within this world that we have created our reality as it is, as an outflow of everything that we do and participate upon/ don’t participate in our day to day living.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to leave things for tomorrow, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am taking my moment here for granted and actually believing that I will be here the next day which is obviously not here and as such it is the same as procrastinating what’s here to be done onto a non-existent moment that is ‘the future’ and that I don’t have assured as it being a certainty for me to live every single day –

 

I realize that every time that I procrastinate I am taking my life for granted and actually abusing the breath that I am existing as here and using it to my own self interest to satisfy the ‘who I am as the mind,’ instead of taking the opportunity and the moment to support and assist myself with activities that I can take on in order to expand myself physically, to assist and support my own ‘grounding’ as physical-responsibilities that I can in fact take on in my world and reality.

 

I commit myself to continue forgiving myself for all the reasons, justifications and ideas that I’ve created in my mind as a way to justify and validate my own abdication of responsibility in order to suit my own mind and not the physical reality that is here as what is required to be done, what is supportive for me to live and act upon, direct myself to do at all times.

to be continued…

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Blogs:

• Character Dimensions – Practical Application (Part 1): DAY 163
• Character Dimensions – Introduction: DAY 162
• The FORCE: DAY 161

 

• Day 163: After Death Communication – Relationships and Love – Part 12

Interview by Bernard Poolman:

• Co-Creator’s Secrets

 

Interviews at Eqafe:

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 1

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 2

• Self Awareness steps for the Elite – Introduction

• Life Review – Waiting for my Life to Happen