Tag Archives: transparency

March 15, 2017

536. Transparency (No Pretense!)

By Marlen

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

Here I look straight into the word ‘pretentious’ as it being something that I have a general negative association to – and it being the opposite of the word I’m looking at integrating here which is transparency, without pretense specifically – and it’s interesting to read the whole list of synonyms and antonyms of this word here http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/pretentious because it gives a general feel to what my interest or ‘attraction’ and also ‘repulsion’ towards someone’s expression is all about yet, it all relates to my own judgments towards my own expression.

The first thing that pops into my mind is myself expressing me in what I considered was an ‘over the top’ type of expression, mostly related to memories of how I have been –according to my judgment – conceited or pretentious, which is something I definitely want to fine tune into a point of humbleness, simplicity in expression, transparency – in a way of expressing: here I am, this is my expression, no need to pretend to be ‘more’ or anything less than what I am, which is coming through more in who I am and how I interact with others, but it wasn’t definitely an immediate process to get to be that.

Looking back in my expression a decade ago, I definitely had placed a lot of personalities before me in order to ‘cope’ with reality, sometimes being too shy and reserved – read fearful and judging how others would experience my ‘real’ expression – and some other times appearing too extravagant, conceited, snobbish and getting myself into a ‘high’ of sorts, stemming from the actual inferiority I would experience towards others which led me to create a somewhat defensive self with a tinge of grandeur in order to make myself noticed in fear of being unnoticed – and the rest of the polarities that stem from simply not being accepting oneself.

I can say that I could have come off as pretentious or petulant lol, which I must say was quite a hard-wired personality in me, mostly veering towards the ‘giving a punch with words’ and my expression rather than simply sharing myself in calm and stability, without seeking attention or a form of specialness.

The point is to notice how it has been a process for me to get to a relative point of transparency, openness, comfort when sharing myself with others – walking from the shy, fearful character that didn’t even want to record videos and upload them on the internet (yes, I had made a decision upon first encountering YouTube back in 2006 that I would never be on it, lol) to then deciding to start sharing myself in relation to this process with Desteni and finding ‘my expression’ in those videos, which at times I can see myself currently cringing at how I expressed myself back then and pondering if others considered it too brusque, ‘in your face’ and maybe a bit too snobbish or pretentious at times – which of course were also expressions I have generally disliked in others, which proves again that ‘what one dislikes, exists within oneself as well’ – however, if I had judged myself as all of this and had refrained myself from recording those videos, I would have prevented me from learning to be comfortable in front of a camera and speaking into a recording that will stay there as an archive for posterity, which sure, may sound intimidating at times, but I’ve also learned to not go and ‘delete’ the stuff, but leave it there as a process walked at a certain point in my life – it’s part of the process, as we say.

So, this point of transparency linked to a humbleness and an unconceited expression is something I want to practice more in my expression within specifically getting back to recording videos, because I had also prevented myself from doing so because of how I had judged the ‘YouTube persona’ that I have there as some kind of embarrassment that I could just bury for a while and not get back to my personal vlogs – however this is now out of the bag and I will look at recording myself again, because it is quite supportive to do so, it assisted a lot to see myself, to even get to know myself by seeing how I speak, how I move my face and the rest of tonalities that may come through it, it’s quite a great process of self-exploration as well.

I enjoy writing and apply transparency in the sense of being self-honest, being able to see the ‘nitty gritty’ of myself and have no problem with me sharing it, I’ve been in hangouts and it’s definitely enjoyable also to share oneself because of the interaction with others – but now I have to go back to the self-recording and see what comes up. And one of the words I want to integrate in my expression is that of being transparent, not having any hidden agenda of wanting to be perceived in a certain way, but simply sharing myself, without pretense, without fears, without having to ‘appear’ a certain way that I’ve defined as ‘acceptable for the world to see’ – lol. That’s the pretense right there to stop and correct within me.

This is an interesting thing to look at because it is mostly in the notion of ‘recording’ myself that this experience of having to put on a show comes up, because I have seen myself how I can enjoy and be expressive when sharing with other people real time and no fears like that emerge – but it is in the consideration of doing vlogs – as in material that will remain for posterity and multiple replays – that this emerges, which is in fact something I did to myself, considering how I have been the one that has re-played myself and gotten to judge my expression, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have refrained from recording myself in vlogs again due to how I have judged my expression before and perceiving that I am mildly embarrassed by my previous expression, yet it is what it is, a part and phase of my process where I was discovering ‘who I want to be’ and how I want to express myself, which is also a fine tuning process that I cannot expect to come through ‘perfectly’ at first – also here realizing that I am the one that has to stop seeing myself through the eyes of judgment, of seeking ‘perfection’ in such videos, but instead embrace my expression in the moment, being transparent, having no ‘hidden agendas’ or pretense around it all, but giving myself that opportunity to see me this time through judgment-less eyes, and not doing it only to myself, but also towards others as well.

And the reason is mostly because of how I became a certain person/character on those videos that do not represent what I’m really like currently. I am still quite direct and frank but without that sulkiness or the tinge of cynicism that would come through at times, however I’ll only know until I actually record myself. And this is another thing to debunk here, how I expected myself to kind of ‘replay’ how I presented myself in the past, which is of course not something that is common sensical to do and I’ve been using this excuse as a reason to not do personal vlogs and have given my power away to these justifications and excuses, which doesn’t make sense at all, because if anything then I can show how change is possible and how we don’t have to be the same as yesterday, that change is healthy and it’s actually something that we should all do as well considering it is very much needed to fine tune ourselves to be best for ourselves and so best for all.

I said in my first vlog ever that ‘I felt like an open book’ and it was so in the sense that I was writing out the first pages within this process of self-discovery, self-change and self-honesty creation, and now it’s time to continue doing so not only in writing but get back on doing videos and any other methods I can plan on directing as well in my reality.

So, I’ll be soon recording myself also to share more about my personal process of self-change based on my participation within Desteni – officially for 9 years in my case – and all the bits of changes that I’ve been creating within myself, what I’ve learned, what I’m still working on, etc. And that is then a way to live transparency as well, where I don’t have to put on a show or create an entertaining display of knowledge as myself but instead do a simple practical self-sharing, which I already do in these words, in these blogs – now it’s simply taking it to the vlog level again and get back to being comfortable recording myself.

Bottom line is, if transparency is something I appreciate as an expression in others, why have I separated myself from such transparency and unconceitedness and making it something that I long to experience through a relationship with someone that I perceive as transparent? Why do we create these barriers in our lives of waiting for someone to ‘be that for us’ instead of us taking the lead and learn from them, integrate that expression as ourselves and walk the process that it takes to live a word for real within and for ourselves?

Also, this is not as simple and quick as in saying ‘I want to be transparent here and now’ and that’s it – living this word is also a process and starts with developing self-honesty which is a pillar of this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. This is just an example in terms of transparency in expression when sharing oneself, going from the notion of having to ‘put on a show’ or ‘appear’ a certain way at the eyes of others, or becoming defensive instead of being vulnerable, open and genuine – aiming at simplicity, instead of trying to do something ‘larger than life’ and ending up elevating oneself too much, losing ground, missing the earthy-expression of saying things as they are, as we are, in a moment, without edits, that’s what’s enjoyable as well from human expression for sure. Therefore I stop expecting others ‘to be that towards me’ or ‘for me’, I have to be the one that lives the word and sets the example.

Transparency to be lived as a direct, frank expression yet self-honest which means, within self-responsibility, within humbleness – not as a ‘show off’ or another kind of pretense of ‘being transparent’ lol, but as a genuine expression without hidden agendas nor back doors, that’s the kind of expression that I am here placing on my table of words to practice in living and developing for myself within communication specifically, considering I have already developed a point of self-transparency as self-intimacy= seeing within myself, getting to know me as I am, pushing through fears of seeing my truth and reality, being willing to see and open up whatever is needed to continue ‘processing’ myself, not hiding from myself – that’s settled to a certain extent over time and with the tools of self-writings, self-forgiveness and the feedback gotten through the network of support as the Desteni I Process, which has been a lighthouse in a vast sea of darkness lol, seriously, considering how one can lose one’s direction at times, the support one gets to get back to self-honesty and self-responsibility to one’s self-creation is always a gift in life to have.

So! Transparency, openness, vulnerability and self-enjoyment in my expression, here I come.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE

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January 14, 2017

478. Want Transparency and Integrity? Let’s BE It

By Marlen

Or how to start becoming the solution to all lies and deception within our very own minds

There was a great opening by Cerise and Joe to consider how it would be for every person in our lives to know about what we have thought, imagined, fantasized in absolute detail doing or saying to them throughout our entire life and then asking ourselves if knowing all of this would change the way they see us, and if we would be able to face them without shame or guilt.

The ‘scary’ thought of this implies right off the bat: we got a ton to work on in relation to developing self-honesty which means acknowledging our very own thoughts, every fantasy or imagination, every experience created by ourselves as a form of self-interest where we only consider ourselves but never really give too much of a thought about that person that we are ‘thinking, gossiping, judging, fantasizing’ about in any way – positive or negative, same thing – because for the most part we’ve believed that these things do not affect others, but it’s become quite clear that we cage each other in our own ideas, beliefs, perceptions about others which we synthesize as a form of judgment, backchat, reaction towards another that we then turn into behaviors, ways of ‘treating’ a person which means, we make of those opinions a ‘very real’ representation of the other person in our minds, which then defines how we treat them/see them/acknowledge them, where we justify whatever we are doing onto ‘them’ because it seems righteous, because we believe ‘that’s who They are’ – but, considering that every single person would be able to see and get to know the exact detail of everything I have ever thought about them in my mind, it would surely be a daunting consideration, but to be honest I’ve been hearing the words ‘all will be known’ for close to 9 years now and this has definitely been a factor to curb my ‘self-entertainment’ in a continuous  way related to how and what I think about others.

However this does not mean it is entirely done and sorted out in me, not at all. I’ve faced many forms of challenges in relation to what I think, perceive, judge or react to in others, and the truth is that I many times don’t immediately stand on my ground of self-responsibility to rather see what are these thoughts, judgments, fantasies or experiences revealing about myself. I actually had been considering this for the past couple of days and here to answer the question, I do consider that people would definitely react upon seeing whatever I have thought or perceived about them, because we are not really taught to deal with such perceptions/imaginations about others in our minds as the expression of those that think or fantasize about it and that in no way does it really define ‘who we are’ – meaning, in any case, anything I have thought, gossiped, idealized, imagined, judged, reacted about towards ‘others’ is in fact defining myself and only myself as aspects or parts of myself that I have to work on, but that we as human beings conveniently usually deflect to ‘others’ in an attempt to dodge self-responsibility and self-reflection, which usually stems from wanting to see ourselves under a the light of ‘being a good person.’

Here then, I have pondered many times throughout the years about a potential situation in this world where we could suddenly have all the ‘veils of the mind’ lifted from ourselves in one go and all the chaos that would possibly ensue if we were to suddenly see every single detail of anything that every person we know – or don’t even know – but get to know of have had such imaginations, fantasies, judgments, opinions about ourselves, and how that could ensue like a real ‘world war’ if we don’t get to settle ourselves to understand how everything that we ‘think’ – imagine, perceive, judge, fantasize, react to – about another is in fact our own expression, judgments, ideas, perceptions and that in no way does it really define ‘another’ but ourselves.

That realization is usually an ‘ouch’ experience to most where we’d like to think that we ‘have a right’ to think of another in our heads ‘whatever we want’ with some sort of power to judge, criticize, fantasize about in whichever way – this is certainly a timely situation to consider that we don’t, and that no matter what we do, we’ll face each and every single person in our lives that we have ever had those thoughts about and walk every one of those relationships – no matter how menial – into a point of correction. That’s what our Life Reviews will be about.

So, I’ll share here how through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness, I have already had my own taste of shame, regret, embarrassment and a personal experience of wanting to ‘dig a hole’ for my own head upon reviewing some of the most shameful things I’ve done, thought or fantasized about in my  mind about others. I am sure I haven’t walked through them all, but it is so that in those moments I have also projected possible scenarios where if I would face those people again, I would ask forgiveness and explain ‘where I was’ at the time of my life where I was creating those ideas, reactions, perceptions ‘about them’ – and in several occasions how I acted the way I did toward them, how my decisions were influenced by all of this mental chatter – and how I eventually found out all of it was in fact about myself only; I would share how I have learned to assist myself to correct these judgments, ideas, thoughts or participations so that we can stop recreating this ‘invisible world’ of lies and deception that we allow to exist in our minds towards another, but we don’t dare to actually confront and lay out before another to be honest about one’s own experience and walk a process of self-honesty to realize oneself as the origin and creator of those reactions that we are simply projecting or imposing upon others as ‘who we believe they are’ – when they are then, in fact, not.

Would they decide to change the way they see me upon knowing all of this? Considering how most of us operate in our minds, I’m sure it would create a lot of rifts in a relationship, because we haven’t learned to not take things personally, but we always are quick to believe that ‘that which another said about me defines me’ and forget all about questioning the creator of such judgment in the first place. So it would be quite expected and normal to walk through a phase of having all of those people suddenly see me with ‘bad eyes’ and then it would be my responsibility to acknowledge where and how have I worked on taking responsibility for those things said or fantasized about another and accordingly go working on my own responsibility about them through self-forgiveness and so walking a process of self-correction.

Would I be able to face them without shame or guilt? As I explained above, most likely not, even if I am not ‘technically’ seeing the people I have been reviewing memories or situations of my past – including ‘recent present’ – in my mind in order to process it, take responsibility for it in my head, I have felt such shame, regret, embarrassment and guilt many times before. But at the same time, I’ve learned how it can only be a temporary experience really, and it’s up to me to make of this shame more of a transitory learning experience rather than a self-bashing and self-judgment process that then becomes another layer of judgment for me to process. I’ve created a reminder to myself to not fall prey of ‘double-judgment’ where one judges oneself for the judgments, beliefs, perceptions one has created about another… it’s definitely easier to acknowledge the point, and yes it sometimes it may be impossible to not go through shame, guilt, regret, but here I can stand as my own surety so that it doesn’t become a form of emotional manipulation for me to not continue seeing my responsibility in it all, but step out of that belief that I become ‘less’ in acknowledging my faults, my own judgments – and so see how it is actually only a point of self-respect and integrity that I decide to build and create as myself when deciding to acknowledge my own creation of those parts of myself that I have the power – as in being capable and able – to change them for and by myself.

A very important reminder that has assisted me quite a bit lately is the realization that what defines a person is not ‘all that they have been’ in their past, but more like how we decide to stand up from ‘the past’ that we’ve been and become. It’s only us that hold ourselves/each other as prisoners of our own past perceptions, judgments and beliefs, leading us nowhere really other than recreating the same illusions of separation that are able to be self-forgiven, taken responsibility with the purpose to change the way that we stand in our minds, the way that we ‘use’ our minds and so in turn, changing how we interact towards others.

A practical reminder for me is precisely to consider how every single thought, word and deed Is part of who I am, my creation, therefore I have to be accountable for it all, because how I face and confront those challenges – such as suddenly people finding out all about how I ‘thought’ of them – is what defines me, and so I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘awful’ some of these points might be, what defines me is who I decide to be from now on that I acknowledge that aspect/part of myself that requires a direction, that requires my responsibility to change because of seeing, real time, that it is not at all supportive to remain in my own denial of these parts of myself if I am a person that is craving or even demanding transparency in this world.

If I am ‘demanding’ transparency and integrity, the ‘truth’ out there, we have to start by creating these words, living these words within ourselves. I bet that none of us that have desired this to exist in our ‘world systems’ have considered to what extent the solution resides in the very secret corridors of our minds and all those accumulated experiences toward people around us, people that we see on our ‘screens’, people that we interact with on a regular basis either in a very personal or impersonal manner… I personally would like to see the day where we could eventually see everything of each other, because then it would be so in our face to recognize that no one can claim innocence in not having ever gossiped, fantasized or judged another; we all have done it in various degrees and the way to start getting a taste of what it would mean to live in a transparent world with integrity is by reviewing all of those judgments that we have created or fantasized about in relation to others, take responsibility for it in recognizing it as or own creation, as our own acceptance and allowance that doesn’t define ‘that other person’ or situation, but ourselves entirely.

And so the only ‘salvation’ that exists here is truly self-forgiveness, no doubt about it. How else could we give ourselves a second chance to face these very grim, dark or despicable aspects of ourselves if we didn’t give ourselves the ability to stand up from it, learn from our mistakes and ensure that we stand ‘hands clean’ from now on in order to not recreate/repeat those same patterns toward other people, but instead develop the practice of ‘placing a guard in front of our mouths and minds’ as in being more aware of what we think, say, do, fantasize or react towards another about, and make sure that we know we are defined by what we believe is ‘defining another’ that we are projecting these thoughts upon.

It is all about self-reflection and in that, we will then be able to not only actively change the way that we interact, live and create our societies, but also at the same time stop the ‘sins of the fathers’ in relation to this deception, hypocrisy, judgments, fears in relation to others, so that we can start becoming self-accountable beings that don’t require a ‘thought police’ to be punished for some ‘bad thoughts’ about others that we turn into heinous acts or crimes – we can then know exactly what we nurture or feed within ourselves, we can exactly decide who we are in every moment in relation to another and ensure that we can stand ‘at the end of time’ clear and self-corrected in relation  to those thoughts, those judgments or experiences towards ‘others’ that, ultimately, are in fact also ourselves anyways – equal and one.

This is actually a very cool subject to bring to our awareness because it is through ‘dropping the veil’ of seeing another as a ‘separate me’ that we can start realizing how much of what we believe is ‘done onto another’ is always done to oneself – abuse, is always Self-abuse. Therefore, doing this exercise, practically, can assist us in becoming more comfortable and closer to the actual truth of ourselves, which is by default not something nice, pretty and pure – we all have our aspects and parts of ourselves to change and correct. Here then, we must not see guilt, same, regret or embarrassment as the solution, nor as a ‘way out’ of actually sorting out these points in us – these reactions are but distractors if they remain a bit too long as our experience – we have to walk through our creation and take responsibility, it’s the least we can do after we’ve ‘fired those bullets’ existing as harmful thoughts and experiences ‘shot’ at others.

Once the trigger is pulled, there’s no going back. But fortunately, with what goes on in our minds, we can at least correct it, ensure we don’t act upon it or recreate it any longer and more so, ensure we don’t take such thoughts or experiences about another into an actual bullet that maims another’s life. We can remind ourselves of this every time that we believe it’s ‘easy’ to imagine stuff, to think stuff and believe it all goes ‘away with the wind’ because ‘it’s only thoughts’ but nope, it’s all here, recorded in the very physical day to day life that we walk through in this world.

So, let’s define ourselves by having the guts to acknowledge and recognize our creation, by deciding to walk through all of these judgments towards ‘others’ and claim them back as our own creation that ‘defines us’ until we decide to also change those reactions about ourselves into something that is genuinely supportive for our lives, that can stand as a building block of the self that we are willing to stand by and with for the rest of our existence.

If we want a world that is no longer ‘full of lies,’ we have to stop lying and deceiving ourselves with an image or belief of ‘being a good person’ – none of us have really been so if we have ever allowed but one single thought about another in a compromising or harmful situation. Food for self-reflection, because it’s more honorable to take a step forward and say ‘I’ve done that, that’s me’ than giving a step back and running away with an idea of ‘I’d never dare to do something like that!’ – that’s a choice right there into self-honesty or self-dishonesty, all up to us – but let’s be aware that each decision we make defines our present, who we are and by all means defines the nature of the future that we are co-creating for ourselves and generations to come.

I’d say, it’s time to stand up with courage and claim ownership of our own lies, so that we can then take responsibility and gift those parts back to ourselves as words that we want to live within and toward others in our lives.

Thanks for reading

 

Suggested interview:

If you tolerate this then your children will be next

 

Walk with us in our path to create a transparent world:

 

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