Tag Archives: truth of ourselves

546. Exploring Humbleness

Or sharing the different ways in which I lived the opposite of humbleness, an initial attempt of being humble and the current application of this word in my process

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

When looking at the word humbleness what first comes up is how I’ve been integrating this word as a key element in my process in relation to considering others and being able to relate to others from a humble approach.

 

What do I mean by this? I have had the tendency since I was a little girl to be ‘ahead’ of the class most of the time. I’ll be the one in the class that would always finish whatever we had to do much earlier than the rest and had to wait for everyone else to finish or catch up with something. I have been the person that would start learning a new language with a group of people and drop out after the first few lessons because ‘everyone else was going so slow, I got easily bored.’

 

I have generally existed within a very ingrained perception towards others that had a tinge of superiority that I would not see or define as ‘superiority’ itself, because I deemed that there was ‘something’ – like some kind of ‘special ability’ – in me that facilitated certain things in my life in relation to studies, processing of information or learning stuff, which surely are skills that can be useful – but I did allow me to think better of myself in that regard and create a distinction between ‘me’ towards the rest of the people.

 

I always assumed ‘I knew better than everyone else’ and I’m speaking of a perception that I had as early as my first day in a social environment with ‘fellow beings’ in kindergarten, where I remember all the kids cried when leaving their parents for the first time and I decided to not follow the trend and ‘stand strong’ and didn’t follow the crowd with the crying choir. From that moment on, I considered that I was superior/better, more ‘mature’ or ‘evolved’ than the rest of my peers – hell, sometimes I even thought I could see through the teachers or ‘knew better’ than them, lol – but, interestingly enough all of this even if I could not verbalize it as I am doing it now, led me to eventually create a point of isolation based on separation and a general sense of ‘specialness’ as self-definitions wherein I created my own bubble of ‘I’m an outsider, I’m better than everyone else,’ while at the same time not dealing with the actual issues I had in relation to being able to see past my judgments towards others as ‘inferior’ or ‘unknowledgeable’ and learn what it would mean to truly be humble towards others.

 

When noticing this, I tried to find ways to not stand ‘above’ the rest but ‘mingle more’ in the midst of it. Sure I’d get along with people, but there was still a very subtle yet ever present regard about myself as ‘knowing better’ than others – which I also consider is more common than we’d like to admit in a lot of people, it’s the typical mind programming where we believe we are the center of the universe instead of learning to consider others as equals to us as life itself.

 

The way that this lack of humbleness would come through in me over time is through an experience of exasperation, impatience, only considering ‘my understanding’ and not really being willing to ‘slow down’ or ‘walk with’ at the pace of others at all times. I did try and help them through for example assisting with studies and such, but other times depending on the people, I’d use this ‘superiority’ as a way to cope with experiences of the opposite polarity as inferiority that I didn’t get to question at first.

 

I got to a point during my teenage years and early adulthood wherein I perceived that most people were simply ‘different’ to me and were not really ‘worth my time’ to interact with, preferring to always get along with those that I deemed ‘equal’ to me in terms of personalities and intellectual capacities, in essence becoming an elitist of sorts while still presenting myself as the opposite of that many times, which is also an interesting feat. However in self-honesty one cannot continue deceiving oneself where we know we are putting a ‘show’ towards others, but haven’t really dealt with the source of our actual discomfort, annoyance, irritation, impatience or judgments towards others, which are all in my case a result of having lived in a very confined self-definition as ‘superior’, even if I would have most likely said ‘not at all’ to this latter assertion back when I was shaping myself as this personality in my early teens.

 

This perceived ‘knowing better’ experience led me to generate an ‘elevated’ separation towards my peers. I truly got to think or perceive that I was simply placed in the wrong planet, at the wrong time and that I simply didn’t deserve to have the life that I had, lol. So, one can get the idea of an ever-present layer in me as a personality that at the same time was co-existing with a deeply rooted sense of inferiority, a sense of worthlessness ‘beyond my intellectual capacities’ which I actually ended up creating as a definition onto myself that I blamed other people throughout my life for, in the sense of ‘them’ only ‘appreciating me’ or ‘regarding me’ as a piece of walking-intellect rather than actually getting to know me as the real being and person – but, the reality is that I was the one that was very quick to label and cage everyone else, being very quick to judge and assess who I would ‘want to get along with’ and who I would simply not treat as an absolute equal – even if being in good speaking terms with them.

 

It’s definitely interesting to realize how one is the discriminator when one believes that ‘others are not embracing me for being ‘sort of different’ while I made it a point to go ‘against the tide’ most of the times which implied by default that I would do things and behave in ways wherein I could come through as pedant, offensive at times towards certain kinds of people and transgressive if not attackative at times, which was my way of compensating for an actual sense of inadequacy experienced while growing up, where the only ‘forte’ I had was a certain set of intellectual skills or capacities that I could use with ease to get me through in ‘good positions’ in schools. But, I also got tired of this and wanted to be more than just a perceived ‘intelligent’ person that I believed no one was really caring to ‘get to know’ about, but in reality I was probably the one that would be quite reserved based towards others to begin with, wasn’t as ‘open’ or affable but mostly had a ‘protective shield’ which probably could scare some people away lol.

 

Many times I considered that others were discriminating me for ‘who I am,’ but I never dared to really look again and see how as much as I wanted to get along with everyone, this underlying judgment of superiority within me sustained at the same time by a sense of inferiority kept me limited and defined by my own acceptance and allowance of judgments and values placed on top of who I really am, which is life, which is equality.

 

Fast forwarding from those times to where I am now, I’ve definitely been able to deconstruct and understand why I created such personalities around people, why I would keep a sense of ‘intellectual superiority’ in order to compensate for a sense of inferiority and how all of this currently translates in my life wherein I work with people, I work in assisting others to walk this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. And this has been – and still is – quite the perfect position for me to be at considering all of this background that I’ve just shared about wherein I had not admitted to myself that I was in fact throughout my whole life ‘setting myself apart’ through a sense of superiority and specialness, sustained by the opposite polarity that I perceived at the time as ‘the real me,’ the ‘human flawed me’ – which I used as a way to ‘equalize’ myself to people, believing that in order to get out of my ‘tough-headed’ personality as an ‘all-knowing’ person that became a tad arrogant with people, I would have to get along with troubled people, people I considered were suffering in ways that I had no context to in my personal life, and in my quest to understand and help them, I would create friendships and relationships with people that signified – at the time – my desire to be humble and consider others’ misfortunes – and in a way challenge my seemingly ‘perfect’ life where nothing seemed to ever be a real ‘drama’ or ‘go wrong’ in a real way.

 

This path of seeking to be ‘humble’ through diminishing myself in such relationships wasn’t the way either, because I deliberately fed my character weaknesses like the emotional self that would come through as experiences of depression, worthlessness, inferiority, invalidation – all of this I created and believed was ‘who I really was’ so that I could have something ‘in common’ with the people that I was interested in getting along with and understanding in terms of their troublesome self-experience and lives.

 

Well, I ended up realizing that it was not really about ‘them’ but about me and my desire to be apparently ‘normal’ by experiencing the troubles and flaws ‘with them,’ instead of having seen how I allowed myself to go into a superiority, a separation, a ‘thinking better of myself’ type of default experience towards others which then led me to go riding through the ups and downs believing that life wasn’t really about all the good and fortunate positions I had been in my life, and so I kind of had to become ‘flawed’ in order to get along with what I deemed ‘the real people’ and no longer be deemed as the ‘perfect’ one that ‘never makes a mistake’ and instead, I created a personality within me that I knew could get along with or attract the kind of people I was interested in understanding and getting to know, ‘troubled’ people that I believed I could help out yet deemed ‘cool’ for daring to not go through the ‘seeking happiness at all cost’ attitude, but stood ‘true’ to themselves in their emotional experience.

 

Of course all of this that I explain was the way I would reason it at the time, which is not at all how I would see things today.

 

I realize that the truth of ourselves is what we make ourselves and our lives to be, which is visible in everything we think, do and act upon. And that we are the only ones that can define what’s supportive, what’s acceptable and what’s not in our lives – it’s not about considering that those that suffer are ‘more real’ than those that are constantly on the winning side, or that I had to ‘step down’ of my perceived ‘perfection throne’ in order to ‘get more real’ with what I considered more ‘real people’ that had ‘real life problems’ unlike me.  That’s where I realized that people get along with and feel comfortable with whoever shows to have the same flaws or difficulties and at this stage, I cannot be entirely sure if I ever was then that kind of ‘troubled’ person in nature or if I made it all up for the sake of making myself more ‘normal’ or ‘humanly flawed’ in order to fit in with those I deemed as the ‘cool and real troubled people.’

 

Regardless of the order of that, it was self-created and I ended up becoming –or getting lost into- my character to such an extent that I stopped being able to differentiate the act from ‘the real me’ and ended up really getting ‘what I wanted’ from the specific people I wanted to be close to, whom I made myself to have something ‘in common’ with, like emotional experiences of inadequacy and depression, worthlessness or a lack of joy for living – which yes, led me to meet interesting people that I now see also allowed me to get to know about the diversity of ‘life’ as it exists in this world that I would have otherwise been oblivious too if I had not become this ‘tormented character’ that shaped my life for quite some time.

 

Now, all of that process of becoming a certain ‘flawed’ personality in order to be able to connect and also ‘assist’ others was a misconceived form of ‘humbleness’ that wasn’t real humbleness, I was trying to do the empathy game where I reduced myself to a level of experience in order to relate to others, instead of rather being able to understand others through first understanding myself.

 

Of course at the time I didn’t have the tools that I have now to be able to even word all of this out, and in a way it’s not like I could have done it any differently because that particular path led me to where I am now, eventually getting a bit too lost in this process of ‘seeking a truth’ separate from myself and getting lost in my own emotional characters that I’ve had to understand and debunk throughout these years, eventually all of it becoming actual habits and patterns that have taken time to stop and ‘rewire’ within myself, lol, I realize I did it all to myself and very consciously so.

 

But even if I was aware of what I was ‘reducing’ myself to in terms of my life and the personalities I became, my flawed sense of life-worth led me to stick to my perceptions at the time for a variety of reasons that were related to being able to stand out of the crowd, going against the tide and creating a form of specialness and separation through self-definitions that ended up becoming my very own cage.

 

Currently humbleness in my life/process is the ability to consider others’ lives, processes and awareness, it’s a word I constantly use to not forget the process that I’ve walked within Desteni in order to get to understand all of this in my life as my own creation and be able to step back from the programming and see it for what it is =a self-creation that we can decide to change and stand up from with actual work and living words in practice.

 

Doing this can become a second nature after some time, but in no way must it become yet another source of superiority and personal-accolade where even the act of supporting another could become another way to continue living out this subtle ‘superiority’ or ‘knowing better than others’ and feeding my ego about it, but this is precisely one of the key points in my process that I’ve been quite diligent and careful to not fall into – meaning, not falling within the perception that ‘I know better’ or placing myself in a superiority stance because I am aware of how that backfires in self-limitation – yet it can be a very subtle ‘constant’ in me if I don’t constantly also decide to remind me of living humbleness and equality instead.

 

This comes in very subtle ways that at times they might completely go unnoticed within me because of how Ingrained this perception has been throughout my life, and this is where I can remind myself that whenever I am seeing ‘ahead’ of another and start getting desperate, exasperated, frustrated and generally ‘bothered’ by the level of awareness that another person might have in an interaction with me, I have to embrace the word humbleness to truly ensure every time that I am in such position of providing assistance and support that I am not acting out of a sense of superiority, or that I am not placing myself on a ‘superior’ or ‘advanced’ position in relation to others, but instead remind me how this is a self-created perception wherein I cannot really ‘know’ ahead of anything other than what is evident in the moment, and so stop feeding any form of ‘being ahead of the game’ perceptions I may have at times.

 

There are layers of physical experiences that I see come through at times when being amongst people, wherein upon listening to them and getting to see ‘where they’re at’ in their life, I have immediately gone into the labeling or tagging of ‘who the person is’ according to the level of self-awareness I perceive/believe they can have – which is a source of separation and knowledge-based type of assumptions.

 

What I would definitely like to learn to live is real humbleness where I can truly be devoid of self-definitions or any form of ego-interest and stand completely clear and stable within me when interacting with others and simply be there as a point of support, a voice of experience based on my own process and ensure that no matter what, I always s remind myself of our equality, of eating my ‘humble pie’ whenever I see myself going into any shift in my mind that perceives anything or anyone else as more or less than who I am.

 

This is all easier said than done, but it truly has been a process of learning to deconstruct these ingrained yet subtle traits that I deemed as ‘normal’ in me, experiences that still might come through at times when talking or assisting people directly, which is where I have to direct myself to embrace the other person, to step out of the inferior/superior paradigm and learn to see another as an equal, to walk with and side by side, to remember my own process that has led me to be where and how I am today and that this is what the real meaning of humbleness is for me, it’s all about recognizing our equality yet our specific lives, positions, allocations, life contexts and potentials wherein I can stand in a position of assisting others that also want to assist themselves in the same process I’ve decided to live and apply in my own life.

 

More to open up….

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Self Diminishing Superiority

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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462. ‘Fake News’ Crackdown Starts Within Ourselves

Or how to take an external problem and start changing it from within first.

It’s been interesting to look at the developments in relation to the media and how there’s been a mainstream media attempt to ‘black out’ alternative media or any kind of news/media that is not coming from ‘the establishment’ and making campaigns to flag it as ‘fake news,’ which is supposed to discredit and now ‘filter out’ news from appearing in social media places like Facebook based on supposed (paid by same establishment, lol) ‘third party’ fact-checkers that will have the power to decide what you get to see on your news feed as ‘real news’ and discard all things that usually represents a threat to the current system as ‘fake news’. So, that’s the latest ‘crackdown’ on people that have conducted investigative journalism in an independent and most of the times crowd-funded manner.

However upon looking at this censorship attempt by ‘the establishment’, I also took it back to myself to see what the word ‘censorship’ means in the without and so in the within of myself. It wasn’t so difficult to realize how it is directly in line with what us, people, tend to usually do whenever we see ‘the truth’ of ourselves coming through as that kind of truth that makes us ‘uncomfortable’, those aspects of ourselves that keep us in a never-ending inner conflict that we constantly try and suppress, shift aside, run away from, shove aside, leave for later to look at – while opting to keep pushing our own actual ‘made-up’ news as the ‘controlled news’ the ‘positive side only’ as our on agenda to keep an idea of ourselves in our minds and believe ‘it’s who we really are’ which is usually – but not always – a ‘better, noble, good’ representation that we like to believe is who we are, that we in fact create about ourselves as ‘our truth’ with which we interact and go with the flow in our reality.

The question is: isn’t this exactly what we see is happening ‘outside’ or in the exterior reality as this ‘alternative media crackdown’ that represents – in some aspects – that truth and real facts that we are usually supposed to remain oblivious of? Because getting to know ‘the truth’ could, in more than one way, start undermining the whole ‘empire’ of control from particular ‘factions’ that run this reality show we are living in. Here, it makes a lot of sense to me to first look within myself before I start judging how ‘bad’ it is that there’s this crackdown on alternative media, and how much ‘deception’ is going on against ‘truthers’ and people that create their own media with a seemingly honest approach.

I looked at how easily we go into victimizing ourselves, always immediately jump into looking for culprits/who to blame and join a pity-party with those that are victimized (and apparently disempowered) about the situation. But, rarely do we ever take that phenomena, that situation happening ‘outside’ of ourselves and look at it from the within.

Here then I can spot ‘censorship’ as self-suppression, self-censorship, hiding and shifting away responsibility, where we hide ourselves from our ‘true facts’ and our ‘real news’ in seeing exactly what’s going on within ourselves and to what extents we can go to sink down to the bottom all of those actual day to day experiences we’re going through as all those emotions, judgments, fears, reactions, destructive behaviors and patterns that we just refuse to look at, refuse to even attempt to change them – we usually don’t want to face them and so we pull out the card of ‘fearing’ all of it as a way to not actually face the truth of ourselves.

Well, this censoring of ourselves is exactly us in our minds, being and body playing our own ‘establishment’ crackdown on all things that represent our truth, our current actual ‘state of affairs’ that we have to work on, open up, face, confront.

What do we do instead? We put up the actual inner fake news as the ‘ideal’ state of being that we play on as a character and in various personalities with which we cover-up the actual – usually – bad experiences, problems, fears, manias, addictions, discomforts we are going through – we keep telling ourselves that ‘we’re alright, that all is under control, that there’s nothing to worry about, that we are happy and joyful’ and repeat it like a mantra attempting to numb down the actual conflictive experiences that in fact seem to grow and grow the more we broadcast our fake news within us… leading us then to a plethora of ‘mental problems’ that are more and more common these days, a lot of them I’d say based on this constant denial of what is HERE as ourselves.

Who is the ‘establishment’ in the within of ourselves in this analogy? One may ask. It is ourselves as our minds, our ‘ego’ if you will which is that part of ourselves in which we have automated our lives to be a ‘never-changing’ and ‘always conflictive’ type of persona that is always juggling with consequences, always going down the ‘downward spiral,’ always giving up to any sort of self-support, always seeking for short cuts/easy fixes and quick ways out of anything that would actually mean getting to know the (uncomfortable) truth of ourselves, to recognize, face and be willing to work with/process through all of those aspects of ourselves that we can in fact face, confront, embrace and (very important!) take responsibility for as parts of ourselves that we can then direct ourselves to actually, genuinely change.

 

See, what is the main factor driving the mainstream media crackdown against so-called ‘fake news’= alternative media/independent media & journalism? Fear of losing control, fear of losing ‘people’s minds’ and guiding everyone to a certain type of information and ‘awareness’ in order to keep the masses following as ‘intended.’

Now let’s go into the ‘within’ of ourselves, what is driving ourselves to suppress/hide/block ourselves from seeing and facing our inner reality in our minds and in our day to day experience? It’s also fear, which is nothing else but a mind/mental defense mechanism that prevents actually ‘cracking down’ our own lies and deception. Fear is nothing else but an experience that can be stopped and transcended once that we realize that there’s no point in holding on to a comfortable (lie) idea of ‘control’ over something that is not genuinely supportive in our lives!

What does this mean? Why do we hide and fear facing the actual truth of ourselves, that nasty, not nice at all, ugly aspects of ourselves and our experiences that we actually know ‘are there’ because it is causing us constant conflict, constant anger, constant depression, constant need for this or that drug or way to ‘ease the pain’? Why do we try and ‘control’ it and ‘ease the pain’ and ‘numb’ ourselves with doing anything and all we can – from drugs, to obsessive compulsive behaviors, to creating destructive relationships, to addictions to entertainment, porn, sports, food and a big ETC. – in order to keep ourselves from actually opening ourselves up, removing the self-censorship to then make a decision, a self-honest decision to Embrace, Understand, Investigate and get to know what we’ve become and so, accept and face our consequences while knowing that we can actually change from it all, how to do this? Self-Forgiveness.

There is nothing else that I’ve found as supportive and all-encompassing as our ability to self-forgive every and all aspects of ourselves that we have in fact created within ourselves, that we have continued to accept, allow and feed in various ways, that we have continued to hide from and ‘fear facing’ when in fact, there’s really no place to hide for real. It’s the same as what the ‘mainstream media’ is facing when it comes to the internet and all the ways in which regular people are building ways to continue propagating the real news, the real facts and push forward ways and means for people to be genuinely informed.

As within, so without. Same has to also happen within ourselves, and I see it happening in fact within many of us where we are no longer that fearful of seeing ‘the truth’ of ourselves and sharing it out, we are becoming more and more open to face that ‘nasty self’ if you will that we don’t have to go into guilt and shame about, but directly and straightforward push ourselves into the process of self-forgiving those points, recognizing our responsibility to our creations and acknowledge the consequences of this massive self-suppression, so that we can then start changing those thoughts, emotions, fears, destructive habits and patterns into self-supportive ways to live, learning how to effectively walk through the plethora of ‘fake news’ we’ve told to ourselves in our minds, all the lies, all the deception, the self-manipulation that each one of us has done to ourselves – and so toward others in our lives – in an attempt to represent ourselves as a ‘fake news’/better version of our reality that is no longer able to be sustained, but is now bursting at the seams so to speak which in other words means: the time is here for all of us to start pulling off that veil from our eyes, from our very own personal reality. This is the real ‘apocalypse’.

And here then is also a note on this necessity to focus more on ourselves, because we loooooove to keep ourselves in the sensationalism manufactured by the elites/establishment or however else we are calling them these days as the ‘controllers’ of it all and see ‘them’ as the problem… lol, the joke is on ourselves of course.

It’s so easy to distract ourselves, dissing the track that we can create to take us back into ourselves, our very own lives that we have to change and take responsibility, instead of keeping participating in the fear and sensationalism that is created precisely on the news to keep ourselves in our minds ‘out there’ entertained, mesmerized, feeling ‘powerless’ to do anything ‘out there’ to change anything …. Really?

That’s why the key is to look within ourselves, and that’s where the real ‘meat’ of this whole process of self-awareness is, because as long as we believe that all that matters is to be ‘well informed’ about the ‘truths out there’, we are still being caught by the balls – sorry but that’s what it is – when it comes to generating actual, real, substantial, long lasting, rooted and self-empowering change.

Therefore, change starts within ourselves for real. It starts when we actually make a firm decision to develop and integrate the principles that we are seeking ‘our media’ to do for us ‘out there’ within our lives first of all. Aren’t we quite hypocritical then when we go asking ‘others’ to do for ourselves something we haven’t even done within ourselves first?

In order to stop feeling ‘powerless’ to change things out there, let’s start with ourselves which is to be honest, even more so developing SELF-honesty as to understand how we create our own experiences, how we are the sole creators of everything we are, have become and will create in the future as well and understand this not as a ‘burden’ or ‘something too big to carry on with’ as a realization, but as an actual point of self-empowerment through taking self-responsibility of it, because it then means we have the actual ability to change things, because it’s about  doing it ourselves to ourselves!

How? Developing self-integrity, self-honesty, self-vulnerability, courage, lots of courage really to let go of the so called ‘fears’ and be willing to grab our own bull by the horns, because: it’s us! There’s really nothing to ‘fear’ except if we wanted to keep a good image of ourselves in our minds (our fake news broadcast) and fear looking at ‘all the bad’ … but, all of that ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ is ourselves in fact! We have to embrace it, we have to face it, we have to dive into ourselves and understand it so as to no further judge ourselves for it, not to go into guilt, regret, shame, remorse and create another ‘trap’ seeing no way out from there either, that’s what this process of Self Awareness at Desteni is for, is here for all of us in humanity to finally ‘wake up’ but not in the form of information and knowledge ‘out there’ to consume every day and then believe that ‘we are informed.’ Nope.

This process is an actual self-investigative journalism that can then become the new ‘media’ as these blogs sharing the keys and support on how to do it yourself. And that is definitely life changing to the point where surely, you will still be able to identify ‘fake’ and ‘real’ news because once one has identified the deception, the lies, the dishonesty within oneself makes it very easy to spot the same ‘on the outside’ – but the most important part is that this reality that we uncover within ourselves and we then take through a process of personal change, growth and expansion becomes something that cannot be banned or ‘removed’ from us, unless we decide to ‘go back into hiding’; it cannot be ‘censored’ by anyone or anything ‘outside of ourselves’ because we are standing as full authors of ourselves in our every thought, word and deed in ways that we realize is best for ourselves and so best for all in equality. That is what real power means to me really, and that’s what I call real change as well, where that simple decision to not ‘follow through’ our usual experiences, our ‘usual thoughts’, our selfishness, our emotions in fact becomes the real ‘revolution’ if you will, one that no ‘elite’ or no ‘media establishment’ can ever get to censor or ‘black out’, because it is within ourselves! We will then become our real, self-honest, integral self as our new nature that will in turn – with time and new generations to come – create the new media that we all know is most beneficial to have, no longer existing as ‘fringe or alternative’ but as the ‘new normal’.

And that’s how we take one problem manifesting in the ‘outside’, take it back to ourselves to ‘fix’ it and correct it, align it and take responsibility for within ourselves, so that then it becomes – as we go and in a parallel mode – the new creation, the new expression that we can collectively create once that more and more people start living this inner-process of change at the same time.

I invite you to start this process today, it takes writing, it takes your absolute will and decision to investigate your fake news and real news, it takes dedication to change yourself, to help yourself, to be that one point that no longer feels satisfied with ‘getting truths’ out there, but that sees there’s some inner-work to do in order to change the without.

Join in!

 

My favorite supportive audio to understand self-suppression and a MUST Hear:

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:

 

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