Tag Archives: ugly

610. The Mirror Process: Changing How I Look at Myself and Others

 

I watched a couple of videos from SOUL about the mirror process which is based on how we tend to judge, compare ourselves to other people based on certain appearances and expression that we judge as being better than our own or us lacking what we see in others, and I could relate a lot to what Sunette explained based on her own experience related to this.

What I recently found is that even if I thought I had worked through this kind of physical appearance self judgment, I definitely faced new aspects of it based on how I related in an instant to a certain woman that I got to meet and how intense this reaction was which certainly too me aback, shifting the way that I experienced myself in one single moment from being the regular comfortable self to suddenly feeling super heavy, stifled and generally tense where I could feel that any smile that I was able to muster in that moment was mostly coming out of the politics of meeting someone for the first time, but I knew that I wasn’t myself in that moment, I knew that I was in fact experiencing a mini-possession that was entirely based on how I defined someone’s appearance to be ‘everything that I am not’ as the ‘opposite’ of myself and regarding that appearance and expression as the epitome of being a graceful, beautiful and feminine woman.

Now, this is about experiencing jealousy and envy based on thinking and perceiving in my head that ‘this is what a female should look like’ and in that by default going back to assuming, thinking and perceiving that I’m not that, I’m not good looking enough, that I don’t have such fine-toned and perfectly shaped body – which I’ve defined as a tiny/small body structure and slim body – and how I immediately got a bit impressed by how this person would have a smile on their face and almost radiating such graceful expression that I judged as overwhelming or ‘too much for my taste,’ which mostly has to do with being intimidated by such ability that some people have to appear almost radiant to my eyes and my perception, almost like beaming with joy or happiness or simple grace that turns it all into an elusive expression for me.

This is also because of how I had previously judged that kind of people in my past and had not entirely resolved my judgments, which led me to see those expressions as fake or not genuine, etc. But! I later on found how these were my ‘defense mechanisms’ to make another ‘less than me’ and project and define all these negative associations to immediately ‘protect’ me from looking back at myself as the origin of every single one of these definitions, assumptions and judgments that I had concocted in a matter of minutes that such interaction lasted, and that was enough for me to have to take care of this whole stifling reaction within me based on appearances, judgments, ideals, projections that led me to feel insecure, less than, seeing myself as totally incapable of ‘ever being someone like that’ which I’ll be sharing how I’ve been walking through this in order to ground each aspect back to reality.

So what I had to do was to first understand and remind myself that every single judgment, idea, perception and experience was a creation of my own, and that I had to realize that whenever I am going into this insta-comparison towards other women based on appearances it means that there are points where I have yet to work on embracing my own physical body as is, my own bone structure, physical form, shape, weight and general appearance as is, because there is no way we can ever change how those essential aspects of our body look like, and no matter how much we would ‘like’ to look in a particular way, it’s physically impossible to do so – and instead the question would be what am I imagining, perceiving or thinking that I would ‘feel’ or ‘express’ differently if I had certain shape or form in my physical body, with a particular skin type or color of eyes or hair and overall looks? And why would I create such scenario within me to create a conflict within me as a hypothetical situation that is not realistic at all?

If I answer that then I would feel more comfortable, graceful and joyful in my expression, then I can already see where am I not living those words as myself because of believing that ‘It doesn’t suit my physical body’ or ‘I am not beautiful enough to express myself like that’ or ‘I am not fit enough to wear such clothes’ and so forth.

Here it’s also convenient to say how I’ve learned a lot from other people walking similar processes in their own lives and bodies and how I’ve taken note of many aspects they’ve shared in relation to appreciating their body, there’s Matti who has shared and walked this point as well as Anna Brix, she has been very open in walking her process to embrace her physical body and I suggest checking them out to see how they walked their points.

I realized that I also have to learn to appreciate seeing certain types of people and acknowledge when they are in fact appearing as beautiful to me or others. This applies to both males and females and see it for what they are, when people have a particular physiognomy that one can regard as beautiful and see it for what it is, a pleasing aesthetic experience. Though in this, also not to reduce the entirety of a person to an aesthetic experience, this doesn’t mean that I have to ‘be that’ or ‘look like that’ in order to be ‘pleasing’ to my eyes or others’ eyes. This is about changing who I am behind how I decide to look at myself and others.

That’s where the point of change comes in as well where I am the one that has to change how I relate to people at first sight, from remaining at a very superficial level of seeing shapes and colors and forms and defining them as beautiful or not – or whether I acknowledge that as the ‘first impression’ that it is and move towards getting to know the person and see who they are as an individual, rather than going away with that first judgment of ‘oh they are beautiful, they are so graceful and joyful, I am not any of that’ and immediately going into an inferiority and self-diminishing position that I created in my own mind and so making it a limiting experience for myself, because it prevents me from actually getting to know the person.

So I had to take a moment to write this situation out and write all the self-forgiveness related to every single judgment, belief, fear, desire, perception that I created that led me to have such an overwhelming reaction to seeing this person for the first time and also ‘caging’ the person in a particular ‘type of person’ that I would not regularly decide to approach or relate to in my life based on the sense of inferiority I would create myself when in the presence of someone that looks and behaves in a similar way, which I turned into negative judgments as a way to see myself ‘above’ that – that’s another mind-construct there that I had to understand in order to see how I perpetuate this inferiority and superiority based on my own judgments and perceptions, and forgive myself for that.

I’ve realized within this all how I am the one that is perpetuating this kind of appearance-judgments in my own mind and how I activate them in an almost instant manner where I am constantly assessing ‘where I stand’ in comparison to other females in my environment, especially related as well to females and fear of loss when it comes to relationships at the same time, where I then fear that my partner would ‘prefer a certain kind/type of body’ and that I am ‘not that for them’ and in doing so, create a plethora of ideas, beliefs, imaginations that I create solely on assuming that ‘I am not perfect enough in my physical body, I am not that pretty, I am not that feminine, I am not that graceful’ based on a comparison made towards another female that I judged to be embodying that in their expression, and assuming that ‘that is more desirable for a man’.

So, how I proceeded to assist me to walk this point is writing all of these judgments out and self forgive them one by one, so that I could see and understand I was the only one that decided to make myself inferior and so uncomfortable in the presence of another human being. I knew that I would not be ‘okay’ within myself until I could walk through this point and actually face the person at least a second time to test out my living corrections, which I got to do and actually get to interact with them for more than 5 minutes – lol – and focus on easing myself in my body, being comfortable and embracing who I am in my body and in my expression in the moment – that means stopping any judgments in my mind.

What did that practically entail? I had to decide to get the idea of me having to ‘be like her’ out of my mind. I had to remind myself of my individual expression which comes in the shape, form and type of body that I have, the face that I have, the weight that I have, the bone structure that I have, the color of eyes, hair and type of skin that I have and that in no way could I keep tormenting myself with aspiring to ‘look like’ another person in any way. It would be like a certain kind/type of tree wanting to become another kind of tree, namely a pine wanting to be like a palm – that is the basic analogy I can remind myself of whenever I am going into this body/appearance comparison, which means I have to embrace me being this particular type and kind of body that I have which I have been aware I can embrace and enjoy as myself and how I can be particularly fine within me and my expression whenever I am not desiring to be someone completely different in order to fulfill an idea or belief of ‘what I would prefer to look like,’ which is again, based on my own limitations of what I’ve defined as beautiful or aesthetically pleasing.

So the real change takes place when I stop focusing on judging myself, my looks, my demeanor ‘when compared to’ other females that I’ve particularly defined as more gentle, feminine and graceful. This also means that I had to instead look at how am I living those words in my own way already or where I can expand my expression and embrace ways of expressing that I’ve suppressed because of thinking that it looks ‘fake’ or not genuine’ – not realizing that I am the only one that knows ‘who I am’ behind any smile, any expression through voice tonality, gestures and words. That’s my self-honesty point and within this, I saw that I am expressing such femininity in my own particular way already and how I simply have to let go of expressing a particular ‘form’ or ‘idea’ of femininity linked to a particular physical appearance that I have defined as ‘more feminine’ that my own, which means: I can embody femininity in my own particular way.

Same with joy, I am aware how I can express joy in a boundless manner yet in a different way than if compared to that particular person in such moment, which means that, of course! I’d always be setting up myself for ‘failure’ whenever I start comparing myself to anyone else for that matter based on how I am living certain words and how they are living certain words or aspects within themselves. This is an interesting trick we create in our minds where we are always setting up ourselves to feel ‘less than’ when trying to ‘have exactly the same’ that others have, instead of simply focusing on what we are/have and seeing what we can develop within ourselves, within our own particular body and expression, because that’s ultimately what individuality is all about, not attempting to ‘be just like someone else’ in form, shape and expression, but learn to see others as sources of words and expressions that we can mirror back to ourselves to see what can I learn from them? How can I express such words in my own body and living experience?

An example is how based on how I had judged similar ‘kinds of people’ in the past, I got to experience my own backlash in that moment based on how I had defined me as not being able to be ‘genuinely’ expressing myself in a joyous and graceful manner without ‘faking’ it a bit – but I’ve realized that it all has to do with how I decide to stand in relation to particular words and expressions and how I had for the most part judged such expressions as ‘fake’ based on my own perceived inability to express them myself. But, once that I got to see how I can in fact enjoy and express myself and how I can relate to people, I can see that I am already being quite comfortable and joyful in my expression, it simply won’t be expressed ‘the same way’ as I can see it in other people, and that’s OK lol.

It’s astounding how much we can keep ourselves stuck in our heads trying to be like/look like ‘somebody else’ which is a pointless thing to do or even attempt; although yes some do go to that point with all current surgeries and stuff like that and I’m not judging it, because now I understand how far we can take ourselves to do something like that to ‘look the same’ as someone else and how it is all driven by an idea, belief or perception of how we think we will FEEL about ourselves IF having this/that physical appearance, while in fact it all exists within ourselves.

We each have the power to decide how we feel, experience and express ourselves within our one and only physical body that I definitely have to, for once and for all, stop seeing as an image presentation that can be ‘compared’ to others, and start acknowledging it as the marvel of life it in fact is, where the skin and structure of the body is only a part of it, yet there’s so much more to this that we are that enables us to live and not only in a ‘basic vital’ manner, it enables us to have the ability to embody/live and express words, actions, decisions, intentions and creations.

That’s how I want to establish my relationship with my physical body, not to cage it or define it in a particular form, shape, color, weight, bone structure or skin type, but seeing it as the actual breathing body of life that I am embodying in order to give myself the opportunity to actually live in it/as it, which means, stopping for once and for all perpetuating the judgments, the comparisons, the envy and jealousy towards other bodies and their appearance and instead focus on seeing me as the life that I can express and live every single moment of every day.

This sounds easy as a solution, but the actual challenging part is to physically change my experience, my expression in those moments where comparison and envy are rearing their head within me and remind myself every single time of the decision to focus on myself as a person that lives and expresses, to expand from the limited immediate definitions and judgments based on what I immediately see through my eyes and go one step further to generate interest and consideration to see what other people are all about, getting to know them, talk to them without being comparing myself to them every single moment. This is the challenging part, but in the situation that I’ve shared here I realized that ‘the next day’ after I had processed a lot of these points through writing, I was able to change my behavior towards that person and be more at ease. This resonant or personality of ‘inferiority’ experience wasn’t completely diffused/gone in that moment, but it definitely was quite a change from feeling heavy, stuck, stifled towards the other person to a more flowy and expressive self which is more like ‘me’ on a regular basis.

What I’ve found in terms of these points that I’ve faced with both males and females is that we tend to essentially make everything that we see as a potential expression within ourselves a source of desire, which is why towards males it led me to ‘desire them’ as in experiencing attraction – which is something I’ve walked in detail at the beginning of this year as well – or towards females in the form of jealousy, envy and comparison, which is more related to wanting to ‘be like them/look like them’ so that ultimately I could be liked/desired/wanted by males the same way I assume/perceive that other males would find them attractive. But, who is in fact defining all of this? I am! Therefore that means that I can change who I am in relation to seeing males and females and comparing myself to other beings in the form of ‘lack’ or ‘desire’ and instead move into seeing: What can I learn from them? How can I expand my own expression and life by integrating a word/living action that I see they are living in their own lives?

So, just as I did with males and instead of seeing them as ‘objects of desire’ because of particular words and expressions they portray, I can do the same with women where instead of immediately seeing myself as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ someone based on judgments, ideas or perceptions – no matter how subtle or overwhelming – I can always take the point back to myself, work through my emotional reactions towards it, understand them as my creation and originating from me – not anything or anyone else, not society, not stereotypes but my own mind and judgments – and within that rather learning to see, embrace and appreciate someone else for the totality of who they are.

There are times where people tend to say that we have to only focus on what’s ‘in the inside’ and nevermind the outside, but I consider that’s also diminishing or relegating the physical body to a ‘lesser’ stance. It makes one push aside the image factor and make it ‘less than’ the actions, words and expressions that a person represents, instead of seeing a person as the totality of who they are as a body, mind, expression as a whole, no need to make one aspect more than the other. It really all boils down to how I relate to myself and my physical body, whether I am still living in judgment towards myself or whether I am more focusing on living me, living in the flesh/body that I am and using it – for a lack of a better word – to live and express the person that I am in the process of creating as myself.

By doing so, I learn to see people as an expression of their individual and particular body, mind and being and see them as sources of inspiration – when it applies – to see what expressions I am admiring, liking or enjoying in them that I can see I can integrate or incorporate into my own life and day to day experience. That makes me see people as equals, as living bodies that I can always learn from in one way or another, that I can get to know and understand rather than keeping myself at a very limited experience of judging certain appearances and expressions, go into an emotional experience of ‘lacking that’ or ‘desiring that’ and separating myself from that person… yep, that’s not the way to go here.

I also acknowledge that as much as I got taken over by this experience, I also I had the diligence to work on it as soon as I was able to, because I could not be ok within myself and my physical experience based on that reaction, so that’s also based on how I am living that honor and regard towards myself as a living being that understands how stiffing, uncomfortable and generally destructive it is to remain in that kind of reaction and separation towards another human being. And it was sincerely a relief to test my own decision to see them as a person – rather than a source of qualities ‘I don’t possess’ – and relate to the person in a very different manner.

Of course there’s much more to learn and change myself when it comes to seeing these ‘resonant symbols’ as women particularly that I have tended to compare myself to for most of my life, and in that remind myself of the basic steps I’ve shared in this blog related to recognizing, appreciating and embracing individual’s expressions in the totality of who they are, getting to know them – if the opportunity arises – and rather using those moments whenever I am seeing I am about to get possessed by the comparison-judgment reaction into a reminder of embracing me, which implies understanding that equality also means embracing each one’s particular and unique bodies, expressions and living experiences as they are, starting with my own.

Thanks for reading and check these SOUL videos out to understand more about the mirror process for yourself:

The Mirror Process

The Mirror Practice – Part 2

  

Self-Honesty

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

The word implies that which I have identified with before as an ‘artist’ and the usual miserable/ victimized experience that I created for myself within this particular ‘view’ upon life. That in itself implies having a constant ‘filter’ through which I would view the world, with a sense of despair and hopelessness which has taken me quite a while to stop as I participate in my world. It even became like a constant facial expression as if something troubled me, concerned me or worried me too much,  a constant sense of apprehension toward reality. This eventually became part of what I would write, draw, paint and specifically my inner experience while taking photographs, always a sense of ‘nostalgia’ lol – quite the usual personality-fix for a tormented personality.

I watched a vlog that I made on being a ‘visual vicious’ and I realized how much I had resisted facing this point due to the ‘hold’ I created toward it as ‘my personality’ as ‘my specialness’ – which is now here, opened up and ready to be debunked again.

 

The word ‘Romance’ came up at the Forum and I decided to investigate the meaning of it further. I found the following definition which resonated with what I had ‘lived as’ throughout my life, and that I am still walking-through when it comes to a daily interaction with my environment and the experience of myself while doing so.

    Romance:
    a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

     

And I also found Adam’s blog Getting Down from High to be dwelling around the same point, which I found quite supportive in order to see the ‘value’ aspect that I had given to this particular way of ‘seeing reality’ and cutting the crap of it for the sake of Stopping giving values and seeking specialness outside of ourselves as ‘how we view the world’

 

What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland. – Adam Closs

 

I really laughed while reading this because that’s what I became when seeking anything to ‘beautify’ through my ‘glorious eye’ by taking pictures of something, and I would go through phases of regret when not having a camera with me while seeing something that ‘would make a great picture.’ Then this goes with the thoughts of being able to share the pictures on my photoblog and having people writing poems over it, lol! That’s how it worked some 5 years ago. I have diminished my obsession with ‘capturing moments’ by taking thousands of photos,  however the experience that I created around looking at the world and everything around me with some sense of ‘awe’ became quite ingrained in my reality. This would be a constant experience within me wherein I would solace to see the world as something that could ‘drain me’ and ‘overwhelm me’ – essentially seeking sublimation even by seeing a ‘beautiful sunset’ every day. I remember – and I have shared this experience before-  how I would be amazed at a particular time of the day where the sun shone upon some weeds at the farm, something similar to this:

 

 

and I was walking with Sunette before horses in that moment and I let her know how I would experience myself while seeing the whole landscape, how I would experience that ‘glow’ on the plants as something overwhelming somehow. She explained to me how I could simply ‘be here’ as the flowers, as the glow, as the entire moment without creating an experience about it. And that was a very cool lesson for me in that moment to see I had created a point of separation by adding judgments to ‘beautify’ and place more ‘value’ on plants according to the time of the day and how the sun would shine upon them.

 

I actually had two moments during the same day – two days ago – of wanting to have a camera with me as I went past a dead rat and a dead black cat on the sides of the road I usually walk around. In that moment there was a desire to ‘take a picture of it’ – it became so ingrained within me to want to ‘take a picture of it’ that I had to literally force myself to continue walking and stop staring at the dead animals while thinking ‘I can go get my camera, but there’s not gonna be enough light then’  and I simply decided to let it go, I had to say to myself: ‘alright, I let it go’ and in my mind there’s like this ‘nooo!’ because of ‘missing out a great shot’ – yet it was cool to actually let the moment go by.

 

It was also interesting to see how when I was on my way back, the rat had been squashed open, which made me ponder ‘if I had taken that picture, I would have gotten the perfect shot without all the viscera and blood pouring out, and one with the ‘aftershock.’ I kept walking and gave a second and final glance to the cat lying on the side of the road. I mean, who created such an obsession to take photos in such a compulsive manner? I did! So, I am physically letting go of that desire to ‘capture it all’ – otherwise I would have thousands of pictures as that desire to engulf reality into a series of two-dimensional picture representations that have never equated the actual sight and reality of it. One picture won’t ever hold the actual essence of the moment, which is always here, as ourselves, and doesn’t require to be held for posterity charged with some nostalgia in it.

It’s quite interesting, I just wrote a blog about validation and this ‘value’ that we seek for in any other way than life itself. This mechanism of wanting to ‘capture the moment’ is certainly a way to ‘cherish the moment’ which is how I would define taking pictures to be. Making something ‘more’ than what it is by my ‘godly act’ of taking a picture of it and pondering it for others to see.
Now, this doesn’t mean that that has to stop obviously, but it’s definitely cool to debunk this entire perception of reality and simplify it to share it for what it is and stop all experiences around it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.”  Adam Closs

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve, capture and ‘cherish’ a moment by taking photographs in order to satisfy the experiences that I have created and separated myself from while diminishing a moment of life, here as breath, to a single energetic experience of ‘fulfillment’ within the frame of ‘who I am’ as having a particular curiosity toward that which I see in my reality, not realizing that the moment that I stop breathing and go into a desire to capture it, I am separating myself from that which I see and use it to get an energetic fix that satisfies my senses within the definition of who I am and have become as – I see resistance to say it – a romantic, as that experience of excitement when encountering something that is ‘out of the ordinary,’ creating a energetic experience that I tend to cling on to, in order to ‘make the experience last.’

 

I realize that I have separated myself from that which I see and that I can only create a point of specialness toward that which I see according to me valuing life in separate ways wherein what I see can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to how I have ‘rated’ my reality according to aesthetic values in separation of Life as who I am

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get pissed off at art theory classes when talking about beauty and the sublime and believing that they were ‘raping reality’ by placing it into categories according to the human experience imprinted onto reality, as that which is here, without realizing that I was still living this point as myself when wanting to capture certain points of my reality from the starting point of glorifying it and having others glorifying it and perpetuate the eternal mindfucks we have created and imposed on to life as our own mind-frames onto that which is unconditional life-expression here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint my own desires to generate an experience in accordance to that which I deem ‘beautiful’ or ‘overwhelming’ as the experience that I have allowed myself to trigger from seeing and observing the reality that is here, that I have separated myself from in the name of becoming only the ‘eye’ that observes, that defines, that categorizes and that is able to generate an experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience aloofness and wanderlust whenever  I would go walking through a certain place and environment while holding my camera, which would validate my experience of being excited and with a sense of mystery in relation to what I would find to take photographs of, encapsulating the entire event as part of my own ‘mystical experiences’ that I generated within my mind throughout my life.

 

I realize that I am in fact separating myself from that which I see the moment that I create an energetic experience that I allowed myself to become addicted to whenever I am interacting with everything and everyone in my reality, in any given moment, and seek for ‘the perfect framing’ of it as a photograph in my mind, without realizing that this can only exist as a quirk that satisfies the personality that I created for myself as the ‘romantic observer of life.’

 

I realize how I am making more of something that I have literally separated myself from, that I am mental-i-zing it by ‘making it beautiful’ without actually considering the relationships that everything and everyone – including nature, the animal kingdom, the environment – are currently existing as in order to exist in a particular way, which is certainly not nice, not pretty and is rather abusive in all possible ways to create an experience out of anything that we See.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become infatuated with creating experiences out of seeing a sunset, seeing a dead animal, seeing the seemingly ‘ugly’ and trying to make it ‘special’ which can only be an overall and full-circle mindfuck, as I am the one that is judging and creating/ making of them something ‘more’ than who I am here – as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a point of specialness within me as having this ‘particular way of looking at life’ and creating a ‘sensitivity’ toward it as a mind experience wherein I would feel excited and whimsical when being in an environment wherein I wanted to engulf reality into a two-dimensional picture in order to satisfy my desire to ‘own’ the picture that I see through my eyes, not realizing that this is in fact me wanting to ‘ponder’ it above everything else in this reality that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce this particular ‘view’ upon life which is creating an experience of excitement and bewilderment and acting in a whimsical way as to identify myself as ‘someone special that sees life with a different view’ which is what became props for my ‘artistic ego’ and that I used to reinforce the personality and idea of myself as being somewhat ‘gifted’ to be able to take photographs and show to others that which would be seemingly trivial for the majority of people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and construct myself as the idea of someone that is ‘different’ and ‘special’ for being able to find ‘pleasure’ in the seemingly trivial instances in our reality, without realizing that such pleasure and bewilderment was created within my mind to reinforce the idea of me being ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of this world’ and ‘special’ by being able to see that which others seemed to overlook all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop my personality as the ‘moment capturer’ to such an extent that it is able to drive myself to do anything possible to fulfill my obsession to capture a moment, wherein I completely miss the awareness of myself as my physical body, and become an energetic experience that seeks to be satisfied up until the moment of having it in my memory card, ready to be shared with ‘others’ to get the necessary confirmation that validates what I see as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘special’ or ‘great.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse what I see in the name of my own ego, which is how we have abused and depleted each other in this reality by getting an energetic experience from others in the name of our own pleasure and excitement and satisfaction, without realizing the actual nature of that which we see as ‘beautiful’ which is only a label that we have created in order to have something ‘ugly’ in this world. It is unacceptable to continue being life-taggers, in separation of everything and everyone that we interact with.

 

I realize that for me to continue stopping my participation in creating an experience out of seeing dead animals to take photographs of, I must stop my participation in the idea of me being able to find beauty where others see ‘morbidity’ and that whenever I see myself reacting/ creating an experience when encountering a dead animal or anything else that ‘captures my attention,’ I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to the physical and do not allow myself to create an experience, a judgment and opinion upon that which I see. Instead I embrace it as myself, I amalgamate as my physical body to not distract me from keeping breathing, walking, doing and in that, stop the rush and seemingly uncontrollable desire to ‘capture the moment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience resistance to let go of this idea of being ‘the artist’ that sees life in a ‘different and special way’ which is only part of the personality that I used to seclude myself from the Actual events and Actual reality that is existing here as suffering and continuous abuse, while indulging myself in these ‘fluffy’ experience that I dared to create out of that which would be usually deemed as ‘morbid’ or ‘macabre’ and in that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experiences that I create within my mind out of that which trigger a point of preference and identification as the personality that I have built, existing with ‘particular preference’ that never considered that all that is here as life is me – one and equal – and that I can only ponder something and create an experience out something or someone if I exist in separation of myself, as-it as well.

I realize that the only moment that I exist is here as breath, and that taking photographs is a possibility for myself as long as I do not create an experience that enhances my self-definition as the perceived ‘specialness’ and ‘weird’ preferences that I created and enhanced throughout time in order to be ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of the ordinary’ by taking that which would be seemingly morbid and wanting to make it something beautiful

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a fascination with death to the extent of using the moment of breath as life here in order to create an energetic experience out of seeing a dead animal, that which is in decay, that which is rotten, that which is deconstructing. All aspects are points that I have used to define ‘who I am’ and ‘what I alike’ which is controlling the way that I see, judge, define and value the reality in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defend my voyeuristic experience of the unconditional expression of life and the dead by saying that ‘I see beauty where others don’t’ lol which is quite a statement of the glorification of ‘the eye of the mind’ as being ‘beyond’ how others see reality, without realizing that I am the only one that is separating myself from that which I see through filtering reality with this romantic view on life and the physical reality that I am equal and one to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fascination out of that which I see, including that which would usually be terrifying like the shape and form of an atomic bomb, the gigantic waves of a tsunami, the smoke from explosions, fire burning down the woods, water flooding an entire city, tornadoes devastating areas, demolished buildings, old houses, death people on the highways, dead animals on the pavement and anything that resonates with death and destruction alike in a visual way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience resistance when realizing that I must let go of this fascination for decay which is an aspect that many people experience, yet  we don’t dare to express that it actually ‘turns us on’ in a certain excitement and ‘sublimation’ when looking at it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create a ‘pleasant experience’ out looking at something that is usually considered as repulsive when it comes to death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to overlook this experience within me because of deeming it as ‘not relevant’ to who I am, without realizing that it actually comprises my constant ‘state of being’ when I exist as the eye of the mind that seeks for these experience in every corner that I go looking at while walking and interacting in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to degrade a physical experience of myself here as life, into a mental experience within a mix of emotions and feelings wherein I am in fact separating myself from that which I see and make it ‘more’ than myself in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to take a picture of something from the starting point of an experience, instead of actually realizing that I can take pictures without having an entire personality and energetic experiences loaded while doing so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value something as ‘special’ when it is usually not considered as such within the general terms and preference of a ‘majority,’ which implies that within these ‘particular’ and ‘bizarre’ and ‘weird’ preferences, I created a deliberate antagonism to that which is usually/ generally deemed as grotesque/ macabre and disturbing, which is part of the entire personality I created as a way to go ‘against the flow’ in means of separating myself from ‘the rest’ and ‘elevating’ myself to a point of specialness according to ‘how I see reality,’ without realizing that it is the exact same mindfuck as anyone else that seeks beauty, love and happiness. I would get a kick out of tragedy, death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enhance my energetic experience by using images of this reality as a point of ‘artistic stimulation’ which is usually called ‘inspiration’ which is just a preprogrammed piece that I separated myself from to be constantly creating a sense of ‘bewilderment’ about life and death, and every other phenomena in order to make it ‘more’ than myself, which can only exist as a mind experience within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get ‘high’ on that which I see in my every day living when deeming it as beautiful and special and ‘great’ in the visual sense of my experience toward this reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all mental separation and experiences created from the mindfucks that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in the name of my own experience, singling myself out as in being able to create a pleasant visual experience out of that which would usually not be considered ‘pleasant to the view’ at all.

 

I realize that all of this is just part of what I have created within myself in order to keep me distracted and entertained in my mind, no different to anyone that solaces on love and light or gets intoxicated to experience ‘the world’ in a different way. I realize that I have done this every time that I accepted and allowed myself to shift the reality of the physical moment into a mental-experience of feelings and emotions within myself.

When and as I see myself being fascinated by the sight of a dead animal on the road, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is only me and my desire to reinforce the idea of myself as ‘liking such sights of life/death’ as a preference that is activating the entire personality as the ‘lugubrious romantic,’ that I am in fact able to stop to not recreate an experience out of it and get a certain satisfaction from, without realizing that it is the ultimate egotistical creating of myself as ‘an observer’ and seeing myself as detached from that which I become fascinated by, which a form of vampirism that I have created while masking it in the name of art and beauty and ‘creativity.’

 

I realize that any experience or judgment that may come up at the moment for me having to realize what I have found pleasure on, is absolutely unnecessary – I forgive myself and I am able to let go of it, as I commit myself to simply stop all delusions in my mind projected onto that which I see as my physical reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all infatuation and fascination to that which I tend to become obsessed and completely ‘taken over’ in a single moment that I define that which I see in my every day living as something that I could ‘take a picture of,’ and completely forget about realizing that such desire to keep ‘memories’ is quite the function of the mind to continue reinforcing the definition of myself within a limited personality as ‘the artist’ with a particular ‘tastes in life.’

Wtf are ‘tastes in life’? Only layers of mental-delusions imposed onto life. Unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to realize that the only point I can allow myself to define as a creative experience, is not to become a voyeur of life, but become that which considers the actual relationships and reality of everything that I see ‘outside of myself’ and instead, look at how I have separated myself from that which I see and how I can become that which is able to manifest a world wherein expressions no longer drive our ‘human curiosity’ as a desire to make something ‘more’ than the rest by my own mind, but instead consider the actual expression that I am able to equalize myself-to when stopping the mind and simply allowing myself to be here as breath as I go seeing reality, regardless of how I have ‘tagged’ and categorized that which I see.

I continue the commitment that I’ve been walking in stopping the ‘visual vicious’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and actually consider that creating an experience out of seeing dead animals is a preprogrammed fascination with ‘death’ that I accepted and allowed to drive my creative-expression with to reinforce an idea of myself as liking that which is ‘macabre,’ which is only abusing the same unconditional expression through categories as preferences I created within my own mind.

 

I commit myself to actually honor all life equally which begins by me stopping creating experiences from that which I see in separation of myself, and instead walk a process of integration – not separation – from that which I see to start considering how I exist as such expressions and how I am able to consider their actual experience as part of this reality, which is far more constructive in a best for all way, rather than solacing in experiences when looking at something.

 

To read further on other points I have walked as this particular personality suit check out the following blogs:

 

Vlog:

2008 Visual Vicious

 

And Adam’s blog: Getting Down from High

deadfrog
Dare to See  (2011)

 

Further support on Self Forgiveness:
Bernard Poolman: Day 3: Resistance to Change

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