Tag Archives: vampirism

91. Jocose

n    adjective formal playful or humorous.

Eliciting or intended to elicit amusement and laughter

 

I can see that being witty/ jocose has been valued within me as a ‘positive feature’ wherein I am in essence not fully here expressing in the moment at times, but simply pulling out jokes in order to cause laughter in others – and within doing so, being able to feel ‘good’ for that or ‘at ease’ in moments of perceived ‘pressure.’ I had walked this point a long time ago and had come to the conclusion that I would simply allow myself to express in the moment within the realization that it is not to ‘cause something to someone’ – however the automation of it is what must be considered, as well as how I tend to shift from witty to the polar-opposite which is sober, solemn.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as a jocose/ witty person that is able to pull out jokes with ease and use this point as an apparent ‘natural expression’ – yet the moment that I think, it is an indication that it is not natural hence it is part of the entire design of ‘who I am’ as a personality that is able to cause laughter and a sense of ‘comfort’ through jokes and humor –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop every time that I have this lightning bolt desire to express something that can be ‘funny’/ be laughed at in order to create a point of enjoyment/ momentary happiness in others which means that the starting point is not the expression in the moment but stems from this energetic experience that I follow through, which means that I am not being absolutely self directive at all times.

 

When and as I experience the lightning bolt as a desire to ‘tell a joke’ or play with words in a witty manner, I stop and I breathe – I ensure that if I am going to share myself, it is not from the starting point of pursuing to create an experience in others, but simply express in the moments if and when I am here as breath. Otherwise it turns into a game that must be ‘kept up’ for the sake of causing a positive experience within me and others.

 

From Anu:

“QUESTION: What’s your perspective on been funny and making jokes etc. I have a tendency to do all that.

PERSPECTIVE: This one can investigate for oneself, in self honesty within the following questions: “does making jokes make me feel better about myself when I see others laugh/have fun” / “am I making jokes because I’m nervous and do not trust me to have a one-on-one direct communication with others” / “are there any intensions within/behind the making of jokes, or does it just come up within the context of the moment, people and environment and it is a sharing of me as I enjoyed the joke?” See, if joking is a sharing of self – then cool, but most of the time jokes are used to cover up fear/anxiety/stress when in social situations/interaction and then use jokes as a scapegoat to relax the reactions, which then becomes a cover up in not investigating why self had become dependent on jokes to interact with people instead of direct one-on-one communication. Then also the separation of telling jokes for others to laugh for self to ‘feel good’, then jokes become a deliberate point of self-interest/mind energy vampirism in a way, cause you get energy in your mind when other’s laugh. So, when jokes are told within the context of a situation/environment/people and it’s simply a moment of sharing and you LAUGH TOGETHER, laugh with yourself – then cool.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use witty jokes as a way to cause laughter in another, which is in essence laughing at knowledge and information that we can relate to according to a specific context that not everyone would understand, which means that jokes also turn into an egotistical way of sharing yourself only with those that would ‘get the joke.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my desire to say a joke just because it’s ‘of no harm to make others laugh’ though, within the starting point of ‘wanting to make others laugh’ I am in fact playing a character and not being here as breath sharing myself in the moment in order to laugh about myself with others unconditionally, but it is instigated by a desire to ‘affect others in a positive way’ and within that, feeling good about myself for doing so.

When and as I see myself wanting to make a joke based on having a momentary experience of positivity and fulfillment when realizing that others can laugh about what I say, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is in separation of myself and not self-expression in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever make jokes when I do not trust me to have a one o one direct communication with others and I use jokes as a way to ‘break the ice’ from what I perceive is a ‘tough person to communicate with,’ wherein jokes are then used as a way to cope with the moment instead of simply remaining here, breathing and directing myself to communicate without having to resort to jokes for it.

When and as I see myself making jokes out of wanting to ‘break the ice’ with a particular person based on how I have assessed them in my mind as someone ‘tough’ to communicate with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not have to communicate based on how the other person presents themselves toward me, but that I can instead communicate in common sense in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my family how to ‘get along’ with people with more ease when making jokes, without realizing that this is simply because of me reacting to the person as being tense, tough or too serious to communicate with, wherein I use jokes in a deliberate manner to ‘soothe’ the reactions and cover up an actual experience of anxiety and distress when facing such points of communication.

When and as I see myself reacting to another based on how I have assessed them as being tough, too serious or too aloof to establish a communication with and wanting to pull out a joke in order to ‘break the ice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not require another to laugh to a joke in order to establish communication and that any perception I hold toward another being is a mind assessment based on ‘who I am as my own character’ wherein the moment I stop playing out my character = I am able to stand one and equal to the moment and communicate openly without needing any ‘aid’ of jokes to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on making jokes with people so as to ‘water down’ any perceived idea I believe others have of me as being ‘too sober/ too serious/ too bitchy’ – wherein I then present myself as a ‘relaxed, outgoing person’ using jokes as a way to demonstrate that ‘I am not serious’ – within this establishing also a judgment toward ‘seriousness’ as a character that I then act according to playing out the opposite of it.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I must pull out a joke in order to interact with another that I believe had an idea of me as being too serious/ sober/ too tight, I stop and I breathe – I realize that expression in the moment does not hold any memory or judgment as starting point. Thus I continue supporting myself to remain here as breath and communicate in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to tell jokes from the blatant starting point of getting a positive kick out of it, wherein I would prepare the joke in my mind, assess the moment to ‘pull it out’ as a ‘great point’ that I knew others would react with jubilee and laughter, which then in return would make me feel very good as if I had done my ‘job of the day’ to make another laugh.

When and as I see myself believing that making another laugh makes me feel good in return, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another form of mind vampirism, wherein I am in fact seeing to feel good at the expense of seeing others laugh.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making another laugh is a gift for myself as well, without realizing that in making something ‘more’ than what It is in the moment is then indicating I am making the moment ‘more’ than myself and another, wherein I then archive that memory as ‘important’ which is an indication that I placed value/ worth to such split moment of a day to regard it as ‘special’ because I made another laugh and have a good time.

When and as I see myself feeling ‘good’ because I apparently made another laugh and feel ‘good’ for a moment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating such moment of expression with another in order to make it ‘more’ than ourselves in the expression of the moment, and within that, valued it as ‘more than myself’ wherein it becomes a ‘memory to remember,’ without realizing that in such moment I immediately separate myself from Here as self expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to share myself in the moment, without premeditating in which moment I can make a joke or scheming how I precisely want people to react to and future projecting an entire moment just to satisfy that experience of positivity within me for making others feel good, without realizing that as such I am only seeking my self-interest as the positive experience reward of making others have a ‘good time.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another’s laughter as my point of instant gratification wherein I experience a sense of fulfillment for making another apparently ‘happy’ for a moment. ‘

 

I realize that I am able to share myself in the moment without preparing an expression in order to cause an experience in another – within this, it is to realize that I can communicate as one and equal to others in the moment and that if a point of laughter emerges wherein we can all laugh together = cool.

 

I commit myself to be here as breath in every moment I find myself interacting with others wherein I stop my mind from wanting to pull out a joke or say something to ‘break the ice,’ as I see and realize that I can instead communicate unconditionally and as such, establish a self-honest starting point in every moment that I speak/ communicate with others.

 

The point of expression is here as breath, without an intention to/ toward something or causing an experience in another, but as a mere extension of our ability to communicate wherein our own realizations can be ‘fun’ at times without making it an actual ‘joke’ –

 

Jocose sounds like jo/yo= ‘I’ in Spanish and cause  – hence I realize that I am the cause and effect of my words and within that, I consider expression as a beginning and end with and as me in every moment.

 

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Day 50: I Ate Myself Today

What does it mean to ‘Feed my obsessions?’ and how is this related to Eating myself? The current understand that we’re getting from the Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, implies that we have in fact been our own parasite as the mind eating away on our very own physical body. It’s fascinating that we reprimand cannibalism – some can even express being utterly disgusted by it – yet we do this to ourselves every single moment that we are existing in our minds, feeding our obsessions as thoughts, feelings, emotions and anything that we can ‘grab onto’ from our reality, which becomes a point of stimulation for ourselves as the mind to hold on to that point, and take it to the level of complete possession wherein ‘who I am’ is no longer here-as-breath, but instead  consuming/depleting myself as the physical body every single moment that I give my breaths away to feed but one single thought, which through repetition and patterns can become an obsession.

 

This pattern of ‘me feeding my obsessions’ has been a great distractor within my reality, wherein one single point of stimulation can divert my attention from here-as-breath, physically present as my body, and into a mind-shift wherein all that I remain doing is ‘thinking’ about that something/someone/event that becomes ‘my point’ to grab onto in order to continue existing only as a mind that thinks and has no-regard whatsoever for HOW it is being fed in itself, which is: through the consumption and transformation of the physical into energy, which is like the way we have violated life of oneness and equality and extracting – just like fracking, drilling, exploiting wells – and transforming it – like refining oil for gas – into a form of energy that is able to serve as fuel for the mind.

 

I had begun exploring this point of judging waste/ garbage outside of myself, without being aware of how I am depleting myself at a physical level by the very participation in the mind as consciousness, within my conscious mind that then activates everything that I exist as within/as my mind consciousness system. This implies that we have all been very busy depleting, consuming and literally eating ourselves whenever we feed our obsessions = whenever we feed our own mind.

 

And, that has been a definitive pattern that I have walked wherein my own ‘diligence’ in other areas, becomes equally diligent within the ‘feeding my obsessions’ point, wherein I won’t stop until I satiate that need – it’s just like vampires, lol, now I see why I would get such a kick out of reading those stories because, the drive for blood was so great that it became almost like an elation in itself to ‘look for it,’ which is quite similar to how we go ‘seeking for love’ and sickening ourselves to the bone by depleting the very physical through that constant feed of obsessions with our own physicality/life substance, which is the very ‘point’ that we have missed as humanity all the way:

 

Our minds consume our physicality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feed my obsessions’ indiscriminately because it usually generates this exhilaration as a ‘good feeling’ that I have accepted and allowed in the past to exist as ‘reasons to live,’ which implies that I diminished my day to day living to a continuous point that I had to ‘achieve,’ such as attaining a goal, a relationship, going somewhere, experiencing myself in a particular moment or event, which would become a constant conscious thought that I would ‘feed’ every single moment that I wasn’t here-as-breath but only as a mind feeding itself off of my physical body substance, which is the actual ‘fuel’ for the mind – without me ever being aware or even caring enough to ponder: how is it that my mind is being fueled?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be afraid and disgusted at cannibalism, without realizing that I am my very own cannibal the moment that I continue participating in the mind while already now knowing that I eat myself, I consume and deplete my very own life substance ever single moment that I give my moment here-as-breath into feeding one single thought that becomes ‘my obsession,’ simply because it generates a ‘good experience’ within me – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was ‘okay’ for me to ‘chase my dreams’ because apparently ‘that’s what we as human beings are here on Earth for! To achieve our goals, dreams and greatest illusions!’ and in that, believing that because everyone else is doing it: why can’t I also do it? And so, becoming the perfect preprogrammed organic robot in a society that is specifically built, structured and organized in a way that we are constantly bombarded and stuffed with points that we can generate an obsession for: either a ‘perfect partner/ spiritual soul-mate,’ a pair of shoes, a great restaurant to attend, the ultimate car, some nice vacations in the Bahamas, getting the ultimate games, music, watching movies, attending parties, socializing while consuming anything – and any other point that becomes this ‘constant’ though in our heads that we then agree to ‘work for’ because: it is worth it, we are worth it – which has not become by casualty part of the advertisement’s mottos in order to make it ‘okay’ to feed our obsessions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect my common sense and shape myself according to what everyone else was doing, which was feeding their obsessions about music, idolizing famous people, wanting to buy lots of clothes, products that would make us ‘feel better’ about ourselves, without ever realizing that: from the moment that we give permission as the acceptance (cause) and allowance (effect) to feed that obsession as an actual desire/ want/ need = we comply to the entire consumerist behavior that is broadly accepted in our society, wherein we have all agreed to ‘feed each other’s obsessions’ through making it ‘okay’ to equate live = consuming, buying, satisfying ourselves with products, things, relationships as life-experiences that we believe is ‘all we’re here for’ when in fact, who and what we have become, is nothing but a machine that is able to justify, excuse and vindicate any means/ ways to obtain its satisfaction as that positive energy that is created the moment that we ‘give into’ our obsessions and don’t stop until we get it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never realize that I would actually only be obsessed and feeding my obsessions for the actual ‘good feeling’ that I would create within myself, placing aside the common sense that would actually rear its head every time that I would realize that: everything/ everyone that I desired and that had become that point of obsession, was never ‘as good as’ I had ‘Thought’ it would be, because the Idea and belief that I formed about that something/ someone Never matched reality. This implies that I had only been feeding my own mind, through using my physical life substance to do so, in order to make myself ‘feel good’ and in most instances, ‘feel alive’ through feeding my thoughts, feelings and emotions about that something/ someone, wherein I ultimately disregarded the fact that: it was never about ‘them’ but it was only about me-feeding my-own obsessions to make-me ‘feel good’ and reduce my physical body to a single energy-making machine that feeds the mind through depleting itself as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use something/ someone as a point of stimulation within my mind that I grab onto as a way to continue perpetuating myself as only an experience generated through thoughts and feelings that I use to ‘feel good’ about myself, thinking that I was actually ‘living’ while desiring/ daydreaming/wanting/ needing – when in fact, all of it was made ‘acceptable’ within ourselves as human beings, through that very initial acceptance of ‘who we are’ as only mind-energy demons that feed off of the physical substance/ life that we are, which we have neglected throughout our entire existence, using it as literally only a physical bait to attract others into our reality, reducing ourselves to a single image-based reality that is virtually only fed-for and specifically manipulated in order to Feed our Minds – but Never consider what we really are as physical beings, beyond a single image in the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become horrified at the sight of natural resources’ extraction/ exploitation such as fracking, without realizing that I have been doing the exact same thing within my very own physical body, which implies that this world is the exact replica and representation of who we are and what we exist-as within our own minds, which reveals to what extent we have become judges of our own deeds, condemning our very own functioning that we have conveniently veiled ourselves from seeing, because: the truth and reality of who and what we have become, has Nothing to do with light or love, has nothing to do with ‘feeling good’ about a single iota of mind movement that I use in order to satisfy and satiate myself as a mind, because all that I have ever fed is my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was ‘nurturing myself’ with ‘love’ which is part of the programming that I got fed-with through learning lyrics and complying to the popular culture in a specific ‘branch’ of it, that I deemed would use ‘love’ as a more ‘spiritual’ thing other than just a physical-bait for sex that is understood, without realizing that all forms of obsession are the same, we can simply choose to ‘coat it’ with either chocolate, caramel or nuts and still it is the same thing: a point of obsession that makes me feel ‘good’ about myself and my reality, which is only a reality generated through and by the mind, neglecting at all times the actual physicality that I exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ask forgiveness to my body for what I’ve done to it in the name of feeding my relationship obsessions, I am witnessing the consequences of this continued application throughout my life and all I can say is that I forgive myself for having neglected at all times the fact that I sought myself outside of myself this whole time, while reducing my own physical body to a single instrument of chasing-after that which I wanted to ‘obtain/ get’ to ‘satisfy myself.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume my very own physical body/ life substance every moment that I sought to be ‘fulfilled’ in separation of myself through attaining something/ someone/ going somewhere else – and in this, neglecting every single moment that I lived HERE as myself, as Life in the Physical, which is now what I am walking as myself, in order to establish for the very first time that equal and one relationship with myself as my physical body, now that I’ve realized how I had become the ultimate obsession for ‘something/ someone’ in separation of myself in my mind, while disregarding and completely ignoring myself as my physical body that I am here, as breath as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my own mind as thoughts, feelings and ideas as future projections that I use to instigate a ‘good feeling’/ positive experience within me, which stems from this inherently accepted and allowed perception of myself ‘not being complete/ not being good enough’ wherein I then sought-myself in separation of who I am here-as-breath as the physical. Thus, I stop feeding my obsessions and becoming obese with my own over-eating to fuel my obsessions and mind-addictions in order to feed one single pattern that I, through cultural cultivation, had accepted as ‘who/ what I must aspire to be/become’ which is a ‘satisfied person’ – which implies the saturation of myself of positive energy that seeks to rejuvenate itself as a mind every single moment that such saturation of myself as positive energy goes to a low, which is when I then re-activate my obsession as the mind, neglecting myself here-as-breath – in order to place into motion the extraction of physicality life-substance at the service of the mind-system and Not of myself here-as-breath, as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the act of eating something outside of myself from eating-myself, which implies that the energy-resources that I am ‘craving for’ are in fact mind generated when not having established a physical-relationship with my own physical body to realize, see and understand what is it that I am ‘in-fact’ requiring to eat, and what is simply only a mind-related consumption of food in separation of myself here-as-breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘feeding someone else’s obsession’ was in any way some type of sexual innuendo that I would play out in order to have power over others, which I learned through songs and pictures and ideas of what would be ‘enjoyable’ within others, which was only enjoyable within who I am as a mind system that is willing to create the most twisted and bizarre ways of satisfying ourselves as an idea of the mind, as the ego and personality that has never in fact been ourselves here-as-life, as the physical – but only who we are as mind-systems that work in a system of money wherein everything that will give us a ‘high’ is directly linked to having to ‘buy it’ and consume it’ in the name of our personal glory and satisfaction.

 

I commit myself to establish my own relationship with my physical body first and foremost before even attempting to walk with others in equality, as I see and realize that the moment that I miss-myself and instead divert my attention of here-as-breath into the mind as ‘feeding my obsessions’ as future projection, I am in fact only existing in the mind and not here-as-breath. Thus I walk my self-agreement process wherein I make sure that who I am is always here as self, constant and consistently existing as the physical, wherein any single diversion into the mind, is called out into awareness of me here-as-breath to walk Self-Forgiveness here-as-life in order to establish myself as the directive principle of who I am in every single moment.

 

I commit myself to become more aware of what am I feeding myself with as food and going establishing awareness to see how if I am eating is in fact required by my physical body, or if it is only feeding myself as a mind-obsession that is always justifying and excusing its desire/ want/ need for mind fuel as the deification of energy for/ as the mind, while defying and neglecting the physical that must be invariably abused, used and depleted in order to satisfy the mind’s obsessions.

 

I commit myself to stop every single thought that becomes an instant obsession within myself, from a single picture presentation, an ideal of living, a desire to be somewhere else, a desire to be experiencing a particular emotion that I had become so used to in the past as any for of temporary sense of ‘satisfaction’ that would satiate my mind for a while, only leaving me high and dry after a while and asking for more.

 

I commit myself to establish myself from here on as the point that is able to give herself/itself back to Earth wherein the energy that I consume is no longer used to abuse life, but is instead used to support Life as who I am, wherein all that I consume is given back to Earth, Earthing all the energy that I’ve abused and give it back to self.

 

I commit myself to establish a world-system of money – the Equal Money System – wherein we will no longer be brainwashing each other in the name of consumption as buying, consuming, producing and selling that which we know is detrimental to life on Earth, but we currently comply to it because our lives depend on ‘making money to survive,’ which reveals to what extent we have compromised life to this compro = ‘I buy’ in Spanish – mise (miser) and in that, reducing our entire existence to a buy-consume happy-go-lucky living that is absolutely energy-based and Never has been physical awareness and consideration of self-here as life, breathing, walking, physically existing as the flesh and bones, as the organism that simply requires breath and physical substance at the moment to exist.

 

Do we really LOVE or only ( H ) Ate ourselves while doing so?

What are we doing to ourselves

 

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Day 24: Supervixen

 

Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived  in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.

 

This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.

 

It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of  entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.

 

The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol

 

So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.

 

So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.

 

Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it.  It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’

 

I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.

 

So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships,  due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.

 

And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.

 

The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.

 

I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.

 

It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.  

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy  seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.

 

Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’

In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’

 

All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.

And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.

 

I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.

 

So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.

 

I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.

 

I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Ode to femeninity

Ode to Femininity (2004)

 

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