Tag Archives: vulnerability

559. “I should be done with this by now”

Or how to let go of control and rigidity while doing some self-investigation

 

This is the reaction that I got when having to look at a particular word that was placed within my attention to look at, and the word is ‘miss’ as in missing. When first looking at it, I considered that I had already worked through many dimensions of ‘missing’ because that’s been quite a common thing in my experience when it comes to any form of relationship, where missing becomes a life-draining situation and so here I have to also look at the starting point of working through the process of ‘letting go’ of something or someone in order to simply not have to ‘experience more pain’ which can be a conditioning factor where I am then ‘working on it’ to make myself feel better or not feel ‘worse’ or ‘feel any pain or sorrow’- instead of fully making it as a realization of who I am, what I can learn and stand up from in my life.

 

Therefore when I looked at the word ‘missing’ I believed that I was in a way ‘safe from harm’ which means not holding any grudges, sorrow, pain, loss and the rest of it that comes with parting ways with someone, which usually results in ‘missing’ a person, the relationship formed with them or a part of ourselves that we are no longer living since the person is no longer with us.

 

As much as I can work through this pattern, I saw that part of my reaction upon having to run a self-examination to see who am I in relation to the word ‘miss’ and having to look at something or someone I am missing, a barrier came up within me wherein I was standing almost like a guard in front of any possible memory about myself, my past relationships that could rear their head upon being triggered by the word ‘missing’, where I would stand with a baton kind of being ready to ‘whack it back to its place’ in order to ensure that I am in fact ‘done and over’ missing anything or anyone in my life, in essence already wanting to suppress whatever would come up while placing myself in ‘investigation’ or ‘look within’ mode.

 

The interesting thing is how it was very hard for me to admit I can STILL be ‘missing’ something or someone, because to me ‘I should be done with that by now’ which then causes a point of righteousness, rigidity and idealism in terms of ‘being over and done walking something’ – yet the very fact that I reacted to having to investigate on this word is proving that I STILL have unresolved aspects and issues with the word ‘missing’, wherein after I let go of me standing as the ‘guardian’ ready to whack ideas or thoughts of people, situations or a time in my past, I realized that I had not admitted to myself that I in fact was missing certain people in my life and that I had only made it all ‘ok’ to me in a form of creating a closure with it- but not really a closure – it was more like a veil placed upon having ‘processed’ some stuff and with that believing I am no longer affected by it, while ultimately in fact knowing that there are so many factors and dimensions to who we are, the relationships that we create, the phases we go through and even the way in which we look back at our lives and such relationships changes as we also change within ourselves.

 

Therefore the point within me that I have to let go of is this rigidity and point of control within me as the belief that ‘I am done with missing’ or ‘I have worked in all the aspects I could possibly work in relation to missing, I should be done with it by now’ and ultimately ‘I miss nothing’ yet! Knowing there are actual motions going on in my body which indicates: there ARE things to look at, I just have to be willing to look at it and admit it. Upon looking at it these past two days, I am grateful that I can now see how I am having my core shaken by having a look at a word that I frankly didn’t even notice how much I was avoiding to look at, because of precisely still not having fully resolved my relationship to ‘missing’ people, relationships or parts of myself that I came to live through and within certain relationships, and all of this was in order to make myself ‘stronger,’ but here I see how actual strength emerges by having the courage to admit to oneself one’s truth, what still comes up and emerges in a moment, instead of wanting to create a ‘strong’ façade as if nothing can ‘hurt’ me anymore, but that would only result in further suppressions and denials that I would have to invariably get through at some point = what goes around, comes around.

 

I here then remind myself to not get into a righteousness and tightness in relation to what I believe I am ‘done’ working with, because I can’t really know until there is in fact nothing ‘moving’ within me when opening up memories or discussing about the topic of ‘missing’ people or situations in my life, and be humble as well within myself to recognize that no matter how much I can believe I am ‘taking on a point’ and opening it up in all possible dimensions, there will always be aspects, parts, dimensions that I have probably not worked through and that I can instead be grateful they open up and emerge upon something or someone in my reality mentioning words, memories that could be triggering reactions within me.

 

That’s also another way to approach my reactions in a supportive manner, instead of getting into an egotistical position of ‘I should have been done and over with it by now’ which is quite inflexible and limiting when it comes to walking this process because it only makes the process of accepting reality unnecessarily difficult. And this is in fact where I have to remind myself of self-honesty, where it’s not about being right or wrong, but being open in what I see and how I see things as they emerge, to let go of wanting to stand as the guard in front of my memories, ready to whack them back into their passive existence within me, because ultimately whatever I was trying to hide within myself is just out of ego really, the whole point here is to be willing and open to see oneself in all depths and crevasses and uncomfortable spots where it is actually an awesome thing that something or someone can get us out of our comfort zone just by opening up one word to look at, that’s quite amazing and that’s how it is also quite impossible to believe one can walk ‘through one’s mind’ all alone, nope.

 

The best thing is ultimately being able to be ok with opening it up, being vulnerable within accepting what is still bothering me, no matter how much I have written it out or ‘processed’ it over the years or even understood it at an intellectual level. This process certainly doesn’t ‘function’ the same way that one would prepare for an exam or test, where you know exactly what you have to study, practice and then get it done with a ‘good result’. Our lives don’t work that way.

 

I have to be therefore willing and open to see what really came up in relation to the word ‘missing’ and instead of seeing this word with discomfort, pressure, evasion or any similar reaction, I can instead work with it, see it as a gift I can open up to get to know myself better, to see where else I can ‘dig’ and align, correct, walk through or even ‘heal’ in a way within myself – to no longer hide it or suppress it – considering that as with everything: if it is ‘bothering’ me at any level, it means there’s processing to do for me and I can therefore assist myself in doing so with the tools I got to write myself,  open up in self-honesty, forgive myself and lay out the corrections which are always going to be ways to expand, grow and change and in this context of missing, being able to give back to myself aspects, words that I have ‘missed’ living as myself and that have remained ‘locked out’ in certain relationships of my past.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

 

 

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132. EgoMania: Narcissism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I exist within/as a sense of self importance, believing that the entire world revolves around me and label it as Narcissistic Disorder Personality, which is simply a name that has been given in this world to an enhanced sense of ‘self’ in our world, wherein we are simply existing as this augmented idea of self in our mind, as the ego which is everything that we have created of ourselves as a mental configuration in order to have something to define ourselves as, without realizing how every point of self-importance and definition is in fact a limitation to who I really am as one and equal, wherein there cannot exist any form of ‘superiority’ or inferiority’ as we are all physical beings of flesh and bones that cannot possibly exist as ‘more’ than others that are also flesh and bones.

I realize that within this world we have created names for so-called mental disorders without really having a clue of how the mind works and how we could all be labeled narcissistic as we are all only looking after our own survival and self-importance that can only exist as an enhanced ego/ idea of self that we then believe is ‘who we really are,’ without realizing it is only a set of thoughts that we have integrated as ‘who we are,’ eventually becoming those thoughts as words that exist only as a limited configuration of self as a personality/ character without ever pondering if this is in fact what ‘self-importance’ must be/ should be –

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am in fact superior to any other being and that the world revolves around me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only existing as this limited mind frame of self interest wherein I have made myself ‘more’ than others as my own ego. Thus I take responsibility for such belief within the understanding that it is only in my mind that I can create something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than other – thus I direct myself to walk the perceived point of superiority/ inferiority toward others in specificity, ensuring that I align my thoughts and deeds to the realization of us being equal beings that require to establish physical agreements to live as such.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the belief that ‘the world revolves around me,’ wherein I had definitely placed myself as the center of my reality in my world and believing that it is ‘normal’ to always seek to win, to always seek to be the best, to always be aiming at eliminating any form of rivalry, which is only the ego of the mind that I have become and that I am here to walk as the process of realizing who am I and what I have become as my own thoughts, backchats internal conversations that I have embodied, without having ever considered how it is in these very thoughts that I came to separate myself from everything and everyone else in an ‘superiority’ state that I have accepted as ‘who am I’ by default/ automatically.

I see, realize and understand that any ‘need’ to make myself ‘more’ than others was in fact stemming from the fear of being less than others, and fear of not being ‘good enough’ and a such, fear of standing on the spotlight to which I then created an opposite experience as rejection to being in a ‘visible position,’ which is just another polarity game wherein in my mind where I kept myself low-profile while deeply inside still wanting to be seen/ recognized or admired for what I believe in my mind was ‘special’ about me.

When and as I see myself existing within the default character of ‘the world revolves around me,’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to within the consideration of that which I am thinking only relates to me, to expand it to others as one and equal and in that, immediately realize that that which I am only linking to ‘me’ is in fact related to all as one and equal. Thus I direct myself to consider everything and all as one and equal and within this consideration, take the necessary steps to ensure that the world revolves around the principle of life in Equality and not around a principle of self-interest that benefits only a few.

I commit myself to create a world system wherein the realization of being one and equal can actually be lived as an entire social,  political and economical framework wherein all that will be able to exist is life in equality and any other ‘delusion’ such as the exacerbated self-importance that any point of ‘narcissism’ creates, is walked through a process of self-correction to eventually equalize this aspect to an equal and one realization of who we are in reality/ in fact in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having spent a lifetime only concerned with Me-me-me all the time, always seeking to satisfy me-me-me and manipulating, controlling and doing everything that I was able and capable to do, so that I in my mind could remain as ‘the winner’ and the ultimate ‘champion’ that could ‘do it all’ and as such, developing a sense of confidence after having realized to what extent I actually feared everything and everyone and in this, realizing that the only way to ‘cope’ with reality is becoming the imposition of fear upon others as an image of being ‘invincible’ while in fact, such image of strength, courage and bravery is a cover-up for the actual fears that I accepted and allowed to exist within ad as me, without being able to understand why –

It is only now that we are able to understand the beginning of ourselves as creation, I can see and realize that it is in fact important to understand the beginning of our creation in order to ‘make sense’ of what we have become, otherwise, it is plain ludicrous that we have gotten ourselves this far,  without having ever considered to what extent we were oblivious of our own physical body, of each other, of this world and only accepting things ‘as they are’ with no incentive to find out ‘more’ about ourselves, but only remaining as obedient servants to ‘how things work’ and ‘what’s always been like this.’ Thus I realize that through understanding fear as part of the origin of ourselves as this creation, any characters that exist as an apparent positive attribute and ‘strength’ is and can only exist as a compensating mechanism/making-up for past characters that stood/ existed as the exact opposite of what is now presented and projected as confidence/ strength, which is how all we currently exist as is nothing but characters – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see and realize and understand that any projection of strength, security, certainty and grandiosity can only exist as a character that covers up for the fears, the inadequate experiences and the belittling of myself that I had become, wherein we are only now realizing to what extent the starting point of everything we are and create must be corrected as we are already the direct consequence of stemming from fear as creation– thus it is quite ludicrous to even believe that someone that presents themselves as superior can be in fact so without seeing the actual fear and inFEARiority that exists in such portrayal as characters that make up for other characters in order to not have to sort out the initial fear, face it and walk the necessary self correction.

When and as I see myself creating an idea of self importance in relation to everything and everyone else, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am possessing myself with my own thoughts and that in such split moment that I went up thinking about the ‘who I am’ toward/ comparing myself to others, trying to place myself in a ‘superior position’ to give such an answer, is already an indication of existing as knowledge and information that seeks to validate itself as such, instead of immediately breathing, and recognizing that we are in fact only divided by our own god as the mind that thinks, that believes and perceives what is here through the eye of the mind, the limited perception that we have become due to our own acceptance and allowance to Only be the mind, forgetting about the entirety of the physicality that we breathe in/as  in every moment.

I commit myself to equalize myself as my mind to and as the physical in order to ensure that my life as a physical being is directed to honor life in equality and to create in fact a world wherein there I no piece of ‘ego’ left to create inequality between the living words as flesh that we are here, ready to walk and to in fact create a world wherein self-honesty and self-equalization as life is our new living reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a default-mode of protecting myself against criticism and/or being corrected, wherein such point of being pointed out a flaw/ a misalignment indicates that my stance as ‘a perfect being’ in my mind is threatened by another, thus I see and realize that any attempt to react in anger toward those that are pointing out something to see and correct for myself’ is only me as the ego of the mind trying to defend myself –

When and as I see myself reacting to any form of criticism and correction, I stop and I breathe – I take responsibility for myself to in that moment breathe and realize that only an ego can react whenever another is pointing out something to correct and walk as part of a self-corrective process that I am in fact actually grateful for, as it is only through my participation and interaction/ communication with others that we can face ourselves in self-honesty. For further expansion on this point, read  93. “No need to explain, I got it”

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every moment that I receive constructive criticism wherein I instead realize that it is to be grateful to have the ability of receiving feedback upon myself and my ‘doings’ in life, as we had become so used to only ‘caring for ourselves’ that another’s flaw was seen as an opportunity for us to get ‘past’ such person with such flaw, instead of actually stopping and assisting and supporting them to see and realize the point that is being missed within ourselves/ our reality within the consideration of how we can only thrive through living as equals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind having judged people that I believed were arrogant, self-centered and egotistical to the utmost degree, without realizing that every time that I thought this and believed myself to be judging them ‘fairly,’ was in fact me mirroring myself back to myself, wherein I had not seen and realized how that which I experience in my mind as judgment is in fact only about me, using others as a mirror to see who and what I have become – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own reflection as the personalities and ‘ego’ that others presented in my reality, that I only judged in a critical manner, without ever realizing that I was always only in fact judging myself as the mirror of who and what I have become in fact.

When and as I see myself judging other people that I perceived as narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant and selfish I stop and I breathe – I realize that these judgments are in fact related to me, thus I take the point to ensure that I walk through the prominent patterns wherein such labeled ‘narcissism’ exists, so that others can also have a look at how the Desteni I Process in fact is a pivotal point of supporting ourselves/ one another to face who we are and have become as our mind, with the assistance of a buddy that is essential to begin ‘trapping’ ourselves in our own believed and perceived ‘stability’ as ego and superiority that we tend to create in our minds.

I commit myself to live the realization that all judgment that I create in my mind is always about myself – thus within this, I see and realize that any judgment upon anyone and any aspect of this reality can in fact be exposed to make it evident, yet walked through a process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that we in fact take responsibility for the point of separation of which the judgment stems from. This way we ensure that every ‘spot’ we encounter within/ as ourselves is taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to expose the so-called mental disorders as labels that only serve to entertain ourselves with apparent ‘dysfunctional minds,’ without understanding who and what we are as the mind.  Thus the commitment lies upon educating myself and others to understand how the mind works in detail and in doing so, ensuring that we in fact create a point of self-stability and self-direction standing one and equal as the mind, the physical, energy and substance within the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to exist as a being that regards life in equality within/as everything and all that is here, which sounds ‘cool’ yet requires an actual physical system to implement such ‘view’ and realization of who we are as Life in/ as a new political, economical and social system that will enable beings to realize equality as the only value that is Life, which is how the Equal Money System is the essential platform to live and coexist as equals.

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