Tag Archives: walking process

June 2, 2017

568. Sacrificial Sainthood

By Marlen

Or how the idea of ‘being an example to or others’  in my head became another personality to debunk

In my case and relationship to living purpose, I noticed that I had defined me doing this process of self change also to ‘be an example for others’ and in that, more veering towards the noble, pious and honorable idea of ‘being an example’ of what it means to live in certain principles in this life and ‘show that to others’.

 But! I realize how there was a weight placed on the ‘to others/for others’ rather than understanding the simplicity of what ‘being an example’ means, which in my current redefined relationship is not to see it as a standard of superiority, a ‘quality standard’ or being qualified with notions like being ‘more noble’ or ‘better’ or showing others ‘how it’s done’ from a superior starting point, but instead actually using ‘the matter’ that I am as a human with a physical body, a mind, a capacity to make decisions, create, grow, expand within challenging my own limitations, my own ideas and beliefs which include the whole point of ‘creating an impact ON OTHERS’ and so focusing too much on ‘others’ and in a way, relegating myself to a second plane which might have been ‘subtly’ there, but it does create and sustains a persona/personality around ‘being an example’ and making that ‘my living purpose’ where it becomes about showing, demonstrating, teaching others something instead of first living it for and as myself, entirely and unconditionally.

See, what I found I tend to miss is that in being the best for myself, as myself, for myself = one invariably then becomes an example – but here I had to redefine my relationship with the word ‘example’ because within me it was plagued with notions of my past experience as an ‘exemplar student’ and how I was placed on a form of ‘pedestal’ at the eyes of my peers as in being used to show others ‘how things should be done,’ and I’ve lived that pattern ever since – in varying degrees, a lot less pronounced in the past years – but I realized it was still there when I started uncovering more about certain patterns that I’ll continue to share in relation to ‘others’ and how ingrained this point of ‘serving others’ and ‘being for others’ or at times ‘sacrificing’ myself ‘for others’ has existed in my life, taking almost a religious tonality to it, which I’ve been definitely challenging and debunking this past month, allowing myself to slowly but surely disentangle myself from these covert or more ‘ingrained’ aspects in how I’ve been approaching certain aspects in me ‘by default’ which at the same time build personalities in me that have become so much ‘myself’ that I actually required a second pair of eyes looking into my life to assist me in seeing this, which is quite cool as well.

Now this doesn’t mean ‘what I do’ changes, but the starting point does. And that’s what becomes a fine line in everything that we do, are, become and invest ourselves on, being best for ourselves first and foremost which may be understood as a point of selfishness if you will, which I had quite a ‘reaction’ to doing at first, until I realized it was a matter of seeing how I had lived my relationship to words like selfishness, serving, ‘being an example for others’ and others that I’ll be opening up as I go with particular positive and negative charges to them.

I am aware that many more specially in this context of walking a process of self change might have a similar ‘design’ to the one that I have/had/am walking through which is where one kind of forgets about oneself and completely and solely focuses on ‘others’ and ‘serving others,’ at times even if that means compromising oneself in one way or another or simply forgetting to first do things for, by and as myself – and sometimes even going into guilt if one ‘dares’ to do things that are solely for oneself (!). So I found today’s interview released at Eqafe.com spot on describing this pattern and personality, along with a beautiful explanation on ‘finding one’s inner spark’ so altogether very recommendable:  Work, Work, Work (Rediscovering Your Spark in Life) – Quantum Systemization – Part 156

I find then that the whole point of ‘I matter’ has assisted me a lot to confirm what I had been pondering about for some weeks and it’s funny that this word ‘matters’ was popping in my head but I could not see anything further other than what I explained in my previous blog in relation to what matters, what is important, but never linked it to ‘I matter’ which is a necessary ‘click’ that I required to see that yes, I had in a way placed more importance on ‘everything else out there’ rather than focusing first of all and primarily on myself, because how can I in fact be a supportive example if I am missing ‘myself’ in the equation? If I turn this whole process into a semi-religious sacrifice where I believe I cannot enjoy myself and life unless everyone in the world gets to be in a good living position, how would I end up ‘living’ my life?

Well, I would be setting myself to live in an emotional state of misery and that’s definitely not what’s best for me, nor for anyone else if there’s an actual ability and possibility to be ‘the best’ that we can be for ourselves – and so invariably to others as well. I am aware this might sound a bit extreme but this kind of associations did exist within me up to fairly recently, very subtle but still there and it’s a point of morality as well about wanting to be a ‘good person’ that is ‘compassionate’ and ‘caring to others’ as a form of benevolent persona which I am aware now became a limitation to focus on things that I had then judged as not important, menial, shallow, not ‘supportive for the world’ and so, I was exiting in denial of doing things that I know I genuinely enjoy, which I came to at times be in conflict with because of seeing it as ‘menial’ – like doing what I actually trained myself to do, which is arts. Now I’m deciding to fully take that on again as a career path, which I am quite happy about but even this ability to write ‘I am happy about it’ to me has been a process, I initially almost had a ‘hard time’ embracing this decision and life statement yep! That’s how deep this ‘sacrificial sainthood’ pattern goes, yep almost like a nun really that ‘renounces to earthly pleasures’ and what I genuinely like doing for the sake of ‘doing everything for everyone else’ which is not the point at all.

And yes as I write that, man, a part of me wants to pop out and say ‘but no, you can’t!’ and that’s the thing! that’s the personality I’ve lived which can be equated in a polarized manner to that of a religious person in fact where there was a dimension of ‘I cannot enjoy myself, I cannot be ‘happy’ unless everyone else in the world is happy’ and so yes, denying myself the possibility and ability I have to fully live the words ‘I matter’ not only in the aspects I described yesterday, but in everything and anything I do or don’t do, to do it for and as myself and stop seeing myself ‘through the eyes of others’ which I’ve seen lately is quite a ‘biggie’ for me as well.

Therefore, I’m glad that I’ve been able to open this up for myself and I share it considering how someone else might relate to it –part of the principle of making myself ‘matter’ is to express and share, to keep track of myself in what I go discovering about me, my life, the way I’ve lived, the points I have yet to walk, change and fine tune. All of this is what I see is a key for me to step out of certain limitations as beliefs, ideas of ‘who I must be’ that eventually become what has been defined as ‘the religion of self’ as the personalities we’ve become, the limitations, the fears, the morality over the reasons why we do or don’t do things which stand as obstacles to us fully embracing, living and expressing as the matter, the life, the potential that is here as ourselves, that’s what the Desteni Process is about, so in a way learning to be ‘the best’ for yourself, as yourself entirely and then get to realize what that means when understanding the actuality of equality and oneness : )

 

Will continue to share as I go…

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Hollow the Priest

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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May 4, 2017

565. Comfort in Expression

By Marlen

Or looking back at my expression towards others before and where I’m at currently with it thanks to the Desteni Process 

One of the benefits of walking this process is the ability to realize to what extent our relationship to something or someone ‘outside of ourselves’ is entirely dependent on the kind of ‘self-work’ that one has walked. For example upon meeting new people or getting to be in contact with someone I met quite a few years ago for the first time, I saw how comfortable I was in the whole situation and I looked at the point of taking this ‘comfort’ for granted or in a way kind of ‘forgetting about the process’ that I’ve walked to get to this point of what I can define as ‘relatability’ towards other people, whereas before I definitely was the kind of person that would first analyze all the knots and bolts of the person and carefully assess ‘who I should be’ in relation to them and start molding or acting (manipulating myself) accordingly, usually in an attempt to be liked, accepted by them or sometimes to actually ‘shut down’ all forms of possible interaction, which I definitely had done in the past towards certain people as well in my ‘pickiness’ towards others.

I looked at how through understanding and walking the process of self-acceptance, self-expression, taking judgments back to myself and learning to consider others I’ve been able to be quite comfortable in what I deem would have otherwise been a somewhat ‘uncomfortable’ situation in the past, as in being too ‘unpredictable’ to the point where I have no ‘control’ over it and therefore being caught up in a series of fears and ‘what ifs.’ And that’s how I realized that this is not the case ‘this time around’ in my life and I even check myself to see if I am suppressing something or if I am kind of putting up a front or something but nope, there’s no ‘noise’ within me as I would call it, which I would have definitely experienced many times before when interacting with people in a close manner.

That’s how I got to see that through me having been working – and still continue to do so – with my judgments, ideas, beliefs, personalities, characters, suppressions, expressions and essentially ‘everything’ that I had lived as ‘me’ in the past and working on redefining and living the version of myself that I want to be, I’ve been able to definitely change the way that I relate to others and that it definitely stands as the person that in a way I always wanted to be, but I had ‘clogged’ that with a lot of patterns, fears, limitations before, which are all the points that I’ve been walking through these nine years of walking the Desteni Process.

I have simplified and made things like new relationships so much easier in my life, because there are no fears in the background or ‘noise’ related to judgments and even if they appear, I write them out, see them for what they are, establish who I decide to be instead of ‘judgments’ and live the expression, test it out and then see, ah it works! And keep walking to rather focus on living that which is here, it’s me expressing, comfortable, embracing yet continuing to observe myself in relation to other people and being aware of which other points I can look at, change, open up and also communicate to cross-reference my own experience.

I know this might sound a bit abstract for some, but it all has to do with the continued application of the Desteni tools of writing, developing self-honesty, giving myself the gift of self-forgiveness and the actual ‘second chance’ to live life in a different manner through establishing living words.  I’ve been able to see how cool and beneficial it’s been to be working on all the ‘nitty-gritty’ details of myself in order to pave the way for points of self-creation that I can face and work on now with relative ease.

I don’t want to make it all sound ‘too simple’ because what I am currently living and sharing is more like the result of several years of self-dedicated personal investigation, exploration, trial and error situations that I’ve actually learned a lot from and that I am very grateful for, because otherwise I would not be where I am ‘at’ right now.

In any case I share this as well for anyone that may experience walking this process as something that seems to have ‘no end’ or where one cannot get to ‘taste the fruits of the labor’ just yet, and I can say that yes it takes time, it’s not easy at first, it’s very challenging at times in terms of fears, emotions and the rest of ‘growing pains’ that come with it. But one thing is certain: one does get to see the results and reap what one has sown. This is nothing else but action and reactions, cause and consequence, input and output mechanics of this process which is also why I want to share how all the dedication, the consistency, the perseverance, the discipline and self-work that one inputs on oneself is a substantiation process that one may not immediately see in terms of ‘big changes’ right away; as with everything, it is a process and it takes time to even have a point of reference to ‘look back’ and see how one has in fact changed here and there.

I’m quite satisfied with myself at the moment in relation to that ability to be comfortable, stable, embracing regardless of ‘others’ or ‘the contexts’ and at the same time continuing to expand upon meeting new people or establishing new relationships, whereas I can see how ‘tortuous’ that was for me in the past. All I can say is that this comfort, ease and enjoyment is the way I’d definitely would like every person to be able to experience life and themselves as, because it’s so much simpler and even enjoyable. Though, of course, we cannot ‘jump right into the self-perfected version’, it’s all a process and that’s got a great reason for it as well: to understand and so take responsibility on how we created our limitations, our fears, our ‘flaws’ and the rest of obstacles for our self-expression in order to get to see and practice living in a different way, creating different habits and patterns instead the ones that we had been deterred by before.

I am also aware that I would not be the kind of person that would say ‘I’m quite satisfied with myself’ before, because of considering that it sounds a bit too self-glorifying, but I’ve also learned to appreciate and recognize myself, my own process walked here and being ok with sharing more of the practical results than only the problems, which I sure will continue to share as they emerge in my life experience. But for now this is a self-appreciation note and an encouragement for anyone that might be reading this and might be caught up in a very emotional or turbulent time in their lives where it all seems like having ‘no way out’ or being about to ‘give up’ on yourselves. Hold on, there is a way through, keep at it, be consistent, don’t allow your fears to deter you, push through it and you will eventually see the benefits of developing that self-will to keep walking this process and continuing expanding and developing self-honesty. As it has been said many times, it isn’t easy, nice, fun, pretty or beautiful at first, but what emerges from that ‘gruesome’ process is definitely worth-living completely.

What comes next though is expanding my ability to continue sharing more of this process and assisting every other person I can to get to realize this for themselves as well, so if you’re interested, check out the Desteni Process, it’s the best life investment you can ever give to yourself.

Thanks for reading.  

 

Relatability

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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March 3, 2017

524. Redefining Routine

By Marlen

Or The Gift of Responsibilities and Discipline on a day to day basis as a point of stability and consistency in my life

What I’ve discovered more and more through this process is how once that one decides to walk through an experience and does all the necessary work to see behind the ‘veil’ of such experience, what one will finds is oneself, the potential that we have to be in fact ‘here’, directive, content, grounded, stable and embracing the walk of life even during seemingly difficult or tough times.

What I looked at today was the benefit of having responsibilities and getting to fulfill as a point of stability in my life which I am in fact grateful for, as well as self-discipline that can be applied to taking on responsibilities and fulfilling them – but I also see discipline more in the context where one doesn’t ‘have to do something’ as an obligation, requirement or commitment with a second party, but discipline in things that we decide to do for ourselves, for the benefit, enjoyment and self-expansion of it.

An example can be how I know that it sucks whenever I over sleep and I’ve ‘squandered’ some 1 or 2 hours in sleeping over the usual time, which has happened after going through somewhat emotionally charged days or extensive physical work which doesn’t really happen in my life currently but has in the past. I generally dislike that experience and as much as I’ve stopped being moody about it, it’s one of those things where one simply didn’t get to use that time of the day for what was planned because of ‘oversleeping.’

So, a simple point for me can be to be diligent in waking up, sometimes reminding me of how I dislike the experience of missing out those hours of the day, sometimes because I enjoy waking up before the sun rises and I enjoy going out for a jog during the dawn and enjoying that there are not too many cars, that there’s not a scorching sun upon me and that there’s the chilliness of morning times, which is a constant here no matter what season we’re in. I discovered I genuinely enjoy doing this because I get to go to the park and be in such an environment even if for only half an hour a day and then I come back and feel content with myself, satisfied that I was able to wake up and direct myself to do that and can continue with my day which I also like to see as this continuation of activities – from one to the other, to the next – and sometimes fitting them like a puzzle according to the day, the plans that I have and making it work, which usually works but sometimes there are things that come out of nowhere and I also have to learn to be more flexible on that and not lose ‘track’ of myself that way, which I still have to work on.

So, in a way I am finding how doing seemingly ‘simple’ things as part of my day are quite grounding, supportive and a point of stability in my life – to me schedules work as an integral part of who I am in my day, I plan instinctively but in the sense of fitting things in certain timeframes and according to the set-times for certain meetings – and I am the only one that would be causing myself an ‘overload’ or delay of something if I don’t simply direct myself to do it as it is required. Of course procrastination is still something I have to work on, especially in doing things that I believe they have no ‘value’ for myself, which I will be working on fairly soon as well and challenging such rigidity in myself.

I personally enjoy going out for long walks when it’s windy and sunset time and I don’t know what it is but there’s nothing that is more enjoyable to me than that, it’s just feeling the wind and walking and if I’m listening to music it creates a complement where I get to enjoy the moment for and as myself. Same if I decide to go to the movies and watch a movie that I can reflect on for myself or enjoy for the visuals of it – I’m more allowing that to myself after having lived some years of almost no movies. I truly was living a little bit like a monk, which was ok to test out my relationship with things like music and entertainment, but lately I’ve been reincorporating more of this in my life because it is part of the things I can enjoy for myself and that I can do within my current life situation.

Of course all of this integrated with the rest of my day to day responsibilities and routines that I have to say in my case, have been a point of stability, of consistency that becomes more than just a ‘doing’ or ‘getting something done,’ but more of a way in which I am able to now approach a ‘routine’ not with the eyes that I used to before in the sense of going ‘oh no, not again the same, sameness, same old, ah, I need change, need a break’ or any of that –

interestingly enough, by now if I had repeated that kind of reactions every single day, today I was actually reflecting in how even the simple movement of coming to the computer and turning it on by now would have been something I would be physically rejecting or reacting to do, if I had continued to build reactions towards my every day, including daily self-care tasks which yes I had a time where I was reacting to the very fact of having to go to the toilet or having to eat, having to do all of these things on a daily basis. It may sound strange to some, but if you can relate to it: been there, done that and I had to stop my reactions, realize I am the only one creating them and instead embrace physicality, embracing the physical routine because that’s quite a certainty of our lives, day followed by night completing a day and ‘repeat’ the next day – that’s also a point of stability in fact, and I’ve learned to see it as such rather than ‘predictable’ and ‘boring’ or whatever else.

So what changed? Certainly not the length of day and night or any of that, but myself, entirely deciding to live my day to day in a way where I can be stable throughout it all, no matter how many times I will ‘rinse and repeat’ the same thing, because I stopped projecting ‘the future’ and my life based on the amount of days I believe I will be doing the same (or the amount of years I will get to live, because who knows! We don’t even have the next breath assured, really) but instead have actually learned to live a day and giving it what I am capable of in that one day, dare I say I am not yet in that ‘fullest potential’ for sure, and that’s what I’ll continue working on.

This also comes back to something that I decided to live on from when I was in junior high school and I read somewhere a quote along the lines of never losing the ability to be astounded – but I saw it not so much in terms of the ability to react in wonder or amazement or a ‘high’ experience of sorts, but simply in being able to rediscover oneself every day, by developing self-awareness. I’ve heard so many people say that they get bored, and I used to as well, but since I got to be aware of this process, there hasn’t been a day I have defined as ‘boring’ because there’s always something to do, we  simply got more than enough to ‘do’ with getting to really know ourselves and ‘debunking’ where our lies hide and getting real and honest with ourselves to change all of that which we dislike in ourselves, what we know will harm us and eventually destroy us or sabotage us.

I understand that initially it may seem – and I repeat SEEM, because it’s always an experience, therefore it’s only energy – as if it was difficult to get to a point of clarity in relation to something, to even wake up with a ‘clear’ experience to start your day, your ‘routine’, but all I can say is hold on to yourself and stick to the wheel, keep driving and navigating yourself through the seemingly stormy weather, it too shall pass and if you don’t give up or recoil back to fear during a storm, you will get to see the skies clear up and you’ll see yourself remaining standing. And that is something I can call a genuine strength, a perseverance and consistency, a result of discipline, clarity and stopping participation in reactions to our ‘day to day’ living – we decide which words define us – I personally prefer to keep cultivating discipline, consistency, perseverance and dedication rather than any other emotional outburst that I know will only drop me back to ‘square one’ in whichever development I am attempting to create in my life.

A last pointer here, to not get lost in the experience, but to get active and ‘on track’ on a day to day basis, this is the best gift we can give to ourselves on a daily basis, to dignify our lives with the responsibilities we have, with the care that we can give us because the moment we go into an experience about doing these basic things in our life related to physical care and work, responsibilities, relationships or anything that we know we have to face day by day, we are only preparing a road full of reactions and endless sources of Inner-conflict – because it’s not about ‘the world, the people, the relationships or the tasks’, never – it’s all about who we decide to be in relation to it all.

I suggest to rather consider or ‘keep in mind’ the potential that is right here as ourselves, in our very physical body that is being powered breath by breath – if we simply decide to do it, to move through the storm and stick to moving ourselves by living principles, continuing to clear ourselves up with writing, self-forgiveness and laying out corrective applications, then we will see the benefits of this process and understand what I mean here.

All I can say is: this works, if we make it work – it’s up to each one of us to tap into such life and consistency that is always here as ourselves if we decide to live as it and stopping getting ‘lost’ in the experiences towards a self-created doom.  

I decide to see every day as one more chance/opportunity to live, to learn, to expand, to explore myself, to re-discover myself, to challenge myself – yet keeping it simple – Simplicity is the key, as B would say

Thanks for reading

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | posted in redefining words, self awareness, self en, self enjoyment, self intimacy, self responsibility, self-expression, self-honesty, Self-Responsibility

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