Tag Archives: wanting to give up

554. Reverse Engineering Inner Conflict

Or how to walk through a point of anger or blame and see through it towards self-responsibility in one’s life creation

As I was organizing some files and doing a general cleanup in my computer, I saw some documents that I had written out over a year and a half ago where, there was this experience of being ‘stagnant’ and ‘stuck’ somehow in a point of creation in my life. What I find interesting is how upon reading it, it reminded me a bit to a conversation I had a few days ago with someone that was having a similar experience to the one I wrote out at the time.

In the document I wrote for myself, what I closed it off with was simply to remain standing, to keep breathing, keep walking and not seek for ‘ways to hide away’ from my experience. So even if I didn’t have a clear idea of ‘where to start’ getting untangled in my experience, there were basic aspects of self-discipline and consistency to keep myself going and walking regardless of this overall sensation of stagnation or a temporary experience of ‘losing my ground.’

Now that I can look back at the time, I can see how I created such stagnation with certain decisions and points of creation in my life that at the same time now that I walked through them and saw what I was initially ‘aiming’ at with them, I can now stand up from it, learn from it and take the essence of that period in my life and share the ‘ways to walk through it’ for others that might find themselves also in a temporary experience of ‘being lost’ or ‘feeling without a way through’ which is something I’ve been quite familiar with in the past and I have to remain humble and remind myself of having walked through these situations as well, which at the same time enables me to be patient, considerate, humble and flexible with whoever is experiencing something similar in their lives.

What I can now realize is how the experience of stagnation didn’t really ‘go away’ by itself, it was an actual decision to get to be truly self-honest about myself and my experience and make decisions that could create a distinctive change in my reality and therefore in who I am as my choices and decisions. What do I mean with this?

Many times we like to blame anything and everyone we can for ‘the way we feel’ or ‘how we are doing in our lives’ – I’ve been there and done that in terms of blaming money, the system, the place I live in, I’ve blamed the perceived ‘lack’ of something, blaming the people I would share a house with, blaming other people’s ideals and desires towards my life, blaming my decisions, blaming my partner, blaming the past… and the list could go on and on. But it is quite interesting that whenever we are experiencing this ‘stagnation’ or feeling ‘stuck’ we don’t dare to really investigate on the things we actually are aware are the point of self-compromise in our lives. We know it because we are the ones within our own minds, bodies, life on a daily basis, yet we like to look away and always look towards ‘the outside’ as ‘the point’ to change or to blame or to see as the solution.

What went on in my case is actually walk through a point of creation until its ultimate consequence, and by that I’ve also learned to not see it as a ‘wrong decision’ or ‘mistake’ but more like a point of creation that could not stand the test of time, which proves that there were some ego points, energy points that I had to walk through and test out to see for myself what is essentially ‘of life’ and can stand the test of time as my creation, and what was ‘of the mind’ as a point of creation that led me inevitably to an experience of stagnation, of ‘not moving forward’, not expanding and what’s even most frightening is that in the writing I explain how ‘Well, it’s my point of creation and I have to stick with it’ but I did not consider changing it or challenging my decision, choice and point of creation, but more like ‘I’ve made my bed, I’ll lie in it’ type of situation where yes, I agree on the aspect of taking responsibility for one’s creation but at the same time to not be rigid or limited in believing that I cannot change my decision, that I cannot stop a point of creation and expand to another or that I have to ‘marry’ a particular line of creation and stick with it forevermore.

I found it quite interesting how there is a sense of ‘resignation’ that comes along with ‘sacrifice’ as self-victimization in reality, where I believed that I had to ‘walk this path’ and there was ‘no other way’ but to now stick with it because: I created it, I chose it, so I walk through it all, which I essentially did until a point of consequence as an unsustainable outcome came to create an end to that point of creation.

But I did question as well how much I was willing to give a continuation to my own acceptance and allowance of an experience within me that I knew perfectly well what it was linked to, but still, I didn’t challenge myself, my ego, my desires, my self-interest enough to actually see the point that was ‘bugging’ me and was right in front of me all the time – and what happens then is that this experience of dissatisfaction, stagnation, a general ‘stuckness’ in one’s life can become like a constant anger or resentment towards anything and anyone or ‘life’ itself – instead of actually having the guts to look back entirely back at ourselves to see how it is our own self-interest, our own  ego, our own fears, desires, personalities or ‘woman in the red dress’ matrix style keeps us from actually being self-honest and so daring to reverse-engineer our experience and trace it back entirely to where we made certain choices, decisions within a starting point of ego, compromise, desires, seeking a particular experience or point of ‘fulfillment’ in separation of oneself and what do we get according to the input-output? Dissatisfaction, separation, losing one’s ground, loss of ‘identity,’ losing track, believing there’s ‘no point’ in anything in this life… but is it really so or are we only creating an emotional experience to not have to actually face and confront the nature of the decisions, the choices, the paths we’ve decided to walk?

Self-honesty is always a punch in the guts if you will, at times it is the least pleasant thing to do, yet it is also a momentary experience because once that you dare to do it and walk through it and stand your ground when it comes to sticking to one’s living principles, one may walk through a temporary storm and it might seem hard and arduous or never ending – but there will be a way through if we actually remain self-honest in making decisions, choices and actions that reflect the principles that are best for life, one’s life and that of others – and this is not determined by anything else other than action, reaction – input and output.

So, here it is a personal reminder of how whenever I get to experience myself ‘stuck’ or in a point of ‘stagnation’ in one way or another, I have to ‘reverse-engineer’ my experience and Dare to see that which I in fact know is the point of compromise, where I am not wanting to ‘let go’ of something that I am aware is compromising so that within that, I can prevent myself from veering and going towards ‘blame’ and ‘anger’ towards anything and everyone in the world, which can manifest as any form of giving up, seeing no point in continuing walking this life and process, losing one’s ground or seeking a form of validation and reasons to ‘keep going’ from others, which is an equal point of compromise because it is only self that can decide to stand up, clean up one’s act, straighten up one’s decisions and then see what happens when one does that.

All I can say is that, we determine the magnitude of our consequences, we determine how ‘far’ we allow something to continue going within ourselves without a direction towards change in self-honesty. Therefore, whenever blame comes, whenever anger comes what do we know? We are actually angry at ourselves for not doing what we deeply – or sometimes ‘on our face’ – know and are aware is our point of self-compromise, and the more we don’t change it, the more the emotional experience increases, because deep inside ourselves we know we could change things, we know we could make different choices, we know we could be standing in a different position than the self-compromising one we’ve taken – so this will all last as long as our ego lasts in any form or way. And with this, it’s not to see it as a very damning process either, because how else would we know which points we are still being ‘held by’ in ourselves, by who we are as our mind/ego if we didn’t have the direct reflection of our choices, our thoughts, our words and deeds as the experiences that we create towards ourselves – and others – as a result of our self-dishonesty.

A fitting saying is  ‘we do it to ourselves’ really, and so that’s how we are always the problem and at the same time the solution. My suggestion is to not get completely blinded by the experience, because ultimately it is a way for us to hide from our responsibility, from our self-honesty – but to rather face it and confront it, as Sunette said in her vlog ‘take the bull by the balls’ really because it does take guts to stand in that place/point or position that one may have wanted to ‘hold on to’ but that at the same time, might be the one point that was keeping a hold to one’s expansion and development in one’s process – only we can know what such point is and all I can suggest is being courageous to see for ourselves what it is and do what is necessary to align oneself back on track to the path of living and expanding in self-honesty.

Thanks for reading

 

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