Tag Archives: weak

234. Feeling Weak Today?

Are Feel-Ill-ings Self Manipulation?

Continuing from:

Where have we gotten this idea of ‘having to project strength and security’ in the first place as a means to ‘be presentable’ in this world? It’s the same point as: who taught us to feel good about ‘doing good’ things? It is certainly through the indoctrination received from generation to generation through parents as we get ‘suited’ and ‘loaded’ to face the war zone that our reality as the world system has become. Presenting ourselves thus as the best suited in physical appearance, mental skills, social traits, virtues and any other charismatic trait assures you – or may I say ‘assured you’ – a place in the system that would regard you as special and unique for representing the ‘Ideal Persona’ that everyone wanted to be.

I got to live this from a certain perspective and I will walk this by all means to not obviously puff up my own ego-preprogrammed self-image, but to absolutely debunk it within the consideration of how the opposite of what I had to play was always a point of discomfort within me, which is not usually considered when the majority is the one ‘not getting anything right’ and there’s only a minority that ‘do everything right’ – but all of this right and wrong obviously based only within the context of this system that was settled to only function this way: only a few will obtain the grace of god as all the best positions in the world system, while the majority have to strive for that. This does not mean though that I actually ‘made it,’ I simply got to try out and live out what would be placed as an example for others, which became more than unsustainable, worrying, tiresome and obnoxious to say the least. This was also part of the character, which is why I lead myself to ‘spite the world’ which was only spiting myself, ending up eventually not following through any of the expectations that I had lead myself within, which is just as it should be, as all the past expectations were based within my past-mind set of Who I Believed Myself to Be = Not actually real, but only a literally frothed idea of myself that I knew was fake all along, but felt ‘nice’ to play it for a while – due to all the benefits and the props you get, blatantly saying ‘Ok I’ll take the heat for a while, it’s cool, I like it’ and neglecting reality for all the abuse that stems from accepting a single idea of ‘superiority’ in this world, no matter where, how or why.

 

This is how debunking oneself implies looking at the personality creation model based on this ‘strength’ point that I began discussing in my last post and then follow through to what I can see, became my own ‘survival of the fittest’ and how from that single stand point, anything and anyone becomes a point to guard/ oppose, support/ antagonize, want/ fear losing and as such, continue the same inner-conflict and battles to keep us having ‘inner conflicts’ about ‘who we are’ and so on, when everything that we already are is here as physical beings – lol, how could be so conflictive about ‘the who I am’ question if we are already HERE. ‘Who’ Is a being – any other configuration would only reinstall the same past-characters configured within and as the same system of abuse. Do we want to ‘stick to our guns’ then? No thank you, I am not willing to participate in anything that recreates a system of separation, differentiation through the imposition of fake values that are meant to sell life, not live it and honor it in Equality.

 

Here I go with the first part on ‘strength’

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

 

  • Memory that pops up:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this idea of strength from the moment that I had to leave my parents in kindergarten the first day of school, and I saw all children crying and I simply ‘played the strong one’ as ‘the only one that didn’t cry’ and in this, marking what I would become throughout my school years: standing ‘above’ in my mind from the rest while at the same time, suppressing all the fears and anxiety experienced because of having to ‘stick to my guns’ of presenting such strength and self stability no matter what, hiding from others the turmoil experienced within me throughout my first school years, due to having to be sustaining/ maintaining this idea of self as ‘strong’ and ‘superior’ which I realize was only an energetic self-experience of Strength based on the survival of the fittest acquired mechanisms in the school system, learning to be ‘on top’ all the time but at the same ending up fearing losing such privileged position.

When and as I see myself fearing exposing a lack of ‘strength’ as this idea that I created of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that all the strength that I am is a self-movement that is not energy based or self-idea as the ego-past personality that I’ve been, but a single consideration that I have the necessary nutrients and money to survive, to keep my physical body ‘alive’ and that this is my actual strength as all the power that we have exists in every single breath – thus

 

  • Fear:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this belief and self idea of strength stemming from actual fear of being abused or violated in any way which implies that all strength lived as a concept of ‘who I am’ was based on fear and as a safety/ protection mechanism as an energetic experience of superiority, never considering who I am as a physical being that does not require to ‘think strong’ in order to move and direct myself in every breath and regard this ability to do it as the actual physical strength that exists equally in all.

When and as I see myself believing and thinking that I lack strength/ I am not that strong today/ I feel weak/ someone stronger than me can do it – I stop and I breathe and realize my ability to move as that single breath in the physical which is where strength exists

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of strength a concept as a self-experience of being invincible and acting as an ‘I can do it all’ character in my mind,  that in no way considers the actual reality and physicality that I am, but only an idea of myself that represented a point of perceived superiority when compared to others, and within this believing that stepping down from such self-created belief of who I am as ‘strength’ would actually mean or imply a weakness, playing the same polarity that I learned to obey without any further questions and simply keeping this ‘ideal’ in my mind but never equated it to physical reality.

I realize that I would also go into ‘feeling bad’ for those that had it tough throughout school, but not doing anything either to question why only some people could be ‘on top’ and the majority was ‘below’ the high-ranks of what a ‘good student’ should be, which is a point that I linked to strength, separating myself from strength as my physicality as every breath.

When and as I see myself believing that stopping playing ‘strong’ means a ‘weakness’ and actually playing out the ‘weakness’ as who I am  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just me complying to my self created beliefs and personalities going from positive to negative and back again, without realizing that who I really am is not defined by being strong or superior, nor weak or inferior – but physically here as everyone else wherein all our power and strength is able to be lived in every moment of breath – thus I stick to my commitment of living physically here as the strength that allows me to move, communicate, live and essentially Be a living being.

 

    • Self Belief:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I could be ‘strong’ for certain activities/ duties but ‘weak’ for others, and in this, always defining myself ‘liking’ to do what I perceived myself to be strong for, while evading and avoiding anything else that I believed myself to be incapable of living out – due to my own limitations – wherein I realize that I was the only one that followed my own protocol of what I was supposed to do and contain myself within such bubble of being ‘good’ and ‘strong’ for some activities and be ‘weak’/ not good enough for others.

 

I realize that we have all contributed to this separation of ourselves as the physical within definitions of pros and cons, believing that we would Never be able to be a sound-being because that was always portrayed as something ‘beyond’ our capability. Which is How I came to react to words like perfectionism or being extremely effective, wherein I separated myself from such words believing that they were too elusive for me to ever be able to embody.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even within the idea/ belief of ‘strength’ placed on apparent intellectual abilities, I feared losing such strength and defined myself by lacking strength in other areas in my life, which proves that no matter ‘how’ I perceived myself to be within one area of my life as ‘the best,’ I continued with the ‘inherent flawed’ inner conflict within other aspects of myself such as lacking physical strength or lacking abilities to relate myself to many people –as I thought I had to do – or the perfect image presentation that I pursued in my mind for the purpose of satisfying the relationship stereotype that I believed I wanted – and all of this, creating a massive inner conflict that lead me nowhere but believing that the was actually ‘something wrong’ with me, which is what we have all blatantly accepted and allowed of ourselves as ‘who we are’ without a question.

 

I realize that this is unacceptable since every single self-acceptance of self-diminishment as being ‘weak’ or ‘inferior’ or ‘not good enough’ is recreating and reinstalling the same patterns of self abuse that we have collectively supported as ‘who we are’ within this world system where life has never been considered equal, but only diminished ourselves to these limited ‘models’ that could be sold according to some traits and skills that can be useful for further profiting schemes – therefore, there has never been an actual role model promoted in our society that considers life in equality which is why we are here as Destonians to be and become the example of what it is to equalize ourselves as physical beings, stopping all delusions of lack as experiences in the mind and focus on solving the physical problems in reality of actual Lack which is for example, lacking food to eat, lacking water to drink and have proper hygiene, lacking vocabulary and basic skills to live, lacking parental support, lacking compassion for others to place ourselves in the shoes of those that actually Lack money simply to make it in this world, that lack a place to live and as such, their weakness is real as thin bodies that lack nutrients to survive – that is real weakness that exists as a result of our mind-delusions seeking ‘strength’ as ‘power’ and ‘superiority’ while missing out the physicality and reality of what is here wherein we are simply not regarding each other as equals – and that in itself, is already showing to what extent any possible ‘positive trait’ can only be founded upon abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an idea of strength as a way to perpetuate what I believe I must ‘hold on to’ as an idea of myself within this system, wherein I had played the role of the ‘role model’ in certain aspects which became unsustainable and a point of inner conflict because of realizing that it was only based upon fake values within a system that was only imposed and followed and bought– therefore, actually not being able to ‘follow through’ with the lie of myself as such character – which is how everything has to ‘fall down’ and just like the tower that must be debunked – all must go before the new can emerge – thus I realize that I cannot hold on to any single ‘trait’ that I had as an Idea of myself that was not yet integrated as the physicality as who I am.

This does not mean now denying or opposing or avoiding ‘strength’ or anything like that, this only means aligning myself to a physical consideration of strength that is not an Effort – and this I worked actually in my Desteni I Process and remember very well how I had written the word ‘effort’ and my buddy said to change the effort word for Physical ability as the movement required to move things/ direct things in a specific direction/ outcome.

We can see how it is an ability that is ‘available’ for all as part of our self-movement – it is not then based on energy, which means, it cannot exist as an Idea of myself based on past experiences such as ‘keeping up to my ground’ and being ‘courageous’ but mostly out of fear – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I can do it, I can do it all’ placing an overload within myself to believe that I could ‘take it all’ and come out ‘victorious’ as I had always done throughout my life, wherein no matter what I would always ‘make it,’ which is something that I took for granted and actually became detrimental to understand what real effort is and implies, specifically once that you are no longer in a ranking system such as school where you can be praised for having some preprogrammed wits, but when it comes to physical reality none of that is of actual substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project strength as something ‘superior’ than myself and as such ‘live up to it’ through utilizing energy as self-talk and self-definitions instead of regarding the physicality of myself as that constant and continuous realization of strength as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself believing that ‘I can do it all’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a self-positive-talk based on past patterns wherein I would always be able to ‘make it’ – or at least that’s the belief that I guarded as myself – and instead realize that there is no such platform for me to always ‘have it easy’ and as such, real effort, real self direction is required. And this is where any Idea of myself as ‘strong’ must be debunked in order to establish a real physical consideration of strength as breath, here, physically.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat such as ‘I am not strong enough to go through that’ or ‘I don’t feel strong today/ I feel weak’ wherein I am accepting and allowing energy to direct me instead of me realizing that all strength is existent here as breath as the physical.

 

When and as I see myself self-talking myself about being ‘weak’ or not being ‘strong enough today,’ I stop and I breathe – I stand up and physically ground myself to realize that all ideas of ‘weakness’ are only energetic leeches I’ve fed in my own mind and as such, ground myself as the physical breathing and understanding such breath as my actual strength in every moment.

 

  • Reaction:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in discomfort and general haziness whenever I am not fully here as the physical strength of breath and as such, reacting within ‘giving up’ modes which can only exist due to having the time and ability to ‘give up’ because I am not in a survival mode – which implies one thing: Giving up is only an elitist act of self indulgence wherein I realize that people working 18 hours a day give up committing suicide due to lacking actual strength to keep going due to being malnourished and lacking any actual self-motivation to live, as how can that be a ‘life’ when living as a slave –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in ‘weakness’ and ‘powerlessness’ while taking for granted everything that I have as an actual platform for me to move and be consistent her as breath, as the physical strength that I really am.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in ‘powerlessness’ and ‘hopelessness’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this experience I am only fueling energy as the result of the friction and conflict in my mind. Thus I direct myself to Stop all self diminishing within the understanding that I am only propitiating a continuation of an inner cycle in my mind as an energetic experience of ups and downs, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to realize and bring myself back to Earth to be aware of the opportunity I have, the time available, the physical integrity that I exist as in order to move myself to my fullest potential that is nothing elusive or separate from me, but a point I commit myself to realize and integrate as a constant living realization of who I really am in the physical.

 

 

  • Physical Dimension:
    • Positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘play strong’ as in walking with more tension in my physical body in a self-conscious manner projected toward others as a sense of superiority/ strength, which proves that while being alone I don’t require to play these characters but it only exists as a personality created toward ‘others’ as general people in my environment when stepping into the world  – so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words that I have defined as strength, as a way to ‘keep my stance’ which comes through as a sense of imposition or intolerance – this means that whenever I am not fully clear as myself when writing, I project this idea of strength through energy instead of directing myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself ‘playing strong’ around others through standing very straight But with a tension in my body – not breathing properly but being self-conscious in the mind toward others – I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to go back to that fluidity and comfort that I realize I am able to exist as whenever I am physically here moving and walking, which is what actually being here is about – any tension experienced, I flag point it, look at my thinking, what did I see, what came up from ‘nowhere’ in the mind, what did I hear, what did I remember –  as these are all basic points that can lead me to change my stance and physical beingness here in one moment – thus

I commit myself to be breathing and fully aware of the least physical change as a slight tension wherein I play out the ‘strength’ character out of fearing facing something-someone – and as such, take responsibility for it through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to write something that sounds ‘strong’ in order to impose a sense of authority through energy as I write it, I stop and I breathe – this is where I have to give myself a moment to not rush into this protection mechanism of portraying ‘strength’ through words, but instead, allow myself to asses the situation and come back to it after a few breaths or moving around to see the point for what It is and give it direction while being stable- here as breath. This is to ensure that all that I speak is actually physically here and not just a quick mechanism to protect myself or others from what I perceive as an attack to which I have to ‘defend myself’ from.

 

I realize that I can only play the game of wanting to ‘defend’ myself if I regard my own self as something that can be ‘abused’ or ‘violated’ or ‘brought down’ by words that others may express toward myself or others. Thus I commit myself to realize the words strength as the ability to move and be directive as who I am and exist as in physicality, not a concept.

 

I also realize that there is no real ‘positive physical experience’ as it is stemming from blatant fear to present this sense of superiority and ‘togetherness’ in physical presentation.

 

    • negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slouch and have eyes all droopy-down whenever I feel weak and get to a point of even creating an experience of actual muscular weakness sensation wherein I simply don’t want to move because of believing that ‘I am not strong enough today,’ without realizing the level of abuse and self manipulation that exists within this, only to victimize ourselves to not be readily here every moment in a sound state that is always here whenever we stick to physicality.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing any form of energetic ‘weakness’ as a perceived ‘lack of strength’ – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself to the actual living strength of myself here as breath, as the physical and move. Breathe out the experience until I am aware that my eyes are no longer ‘down/ droopy’ and I am not deliberately slouching as a way to send a signal ‘I feel like shit today’ which is not acceptable as that is an indication of clear mind possession.

 

I commit myself to stop all mind possessions the moment that I start experiencing a ‘weakness’ energetic experience, which usually leads to a ‘giving up’ in the moment. I assist and support myself to stick to physicality and breath as the actual power and strength I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out this ‘ideal’ of strength based on knowledge and information linked to ‘intelligence’ within what is currently understood as intelligence, responsibility and ‘courage’ which was all stemming from being defense mechanisms and preprogrammed traits that I believed was in fact ‘who I am,’ without realizing that any self definition existent as knowledge and information at a mind level are not sustainable/ are not real as the physical thus

I commit myself to live the definition of strength as the physical ability to move and direct myself to a defined direction/ outcome/ to do that which I propose myself to do and be here as breath as the only and actual ‘fuel’ that I require to continue and do it.

 

I realize that the ‘roots’ that I had as ‘strength’ were not real, since they were based upon a self-belief of ‘who I am’ within the world-system as the values I perceived myself to be/ have which in no way stood in alignment to the physicality of who I really am as equal as everyone, as the actual strength that is an ability and capability within all equally.

 

I realize that any belief of ‘lacking strength’/ not being strong enough is actually self-manipulation to not actually just ‘do it’ and step out of the inner turmoil of mind-fixes as energetic experiences that in no way mean an actual self-realization of the physicality that is constantly here as breath, as the real power that we all are and exist as.

 

Directing such strength as a diligent self movement is the commitment, so that no ‘wavering’ occur and if it does occur, I immediately investigate it without leaving further ‘space’ to ‘try and find it out later’ – as that is what only keeps a point of suppression leading to further consequences in the mind and in my physical reality as in ‘not moving’ effectively.

 

 

Further self-exploration writing:

2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

 

To Be Continued

 

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process

Equal Money System

Journey To Life Blogs

Floating around

Blogs:

 

Interviews:

 

Vlog:

Advertisements

Day 24: Supervixen

 

Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived  in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.

 

This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.

 

It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of  entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.

 

The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol

 

So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.

 

So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.

 

Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it.  It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’

 

I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.

 

So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships,  due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.

 

And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.

 

The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.

 

I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.

 

It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.  

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy  seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.

 

Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’

In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’

 

All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.

And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.

 

I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.

 

So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.

 

I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.

 

I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Ode to femeninity

Ode to Femininity (2004)

 

More on  Energy-Sucking Matters in this Reality, supporting ourselves to stop all life degradation trips:

Great interviews for further support on understanding what these energetic-drives eventually create in one’s reality:

And God created ‘His Creation’!

  • Got the following comment in one of my videos:

  •  

    • Delusional. You can’t redeem yourself, you didn’t create yourself. You were created by God out of his good pleasure. He provided the perfect sacrifice, Jesus, the unspotted lamb. Satan comes as a spirit of light. Tickling your ears with a lie, anything to lead you to deny Christ and loose salvation that is full and free and not of yourself. Leading others weaker than you into falsehood. If the blind lead the blind they will both fall into a pit. It appears money becomes your god.

      imrnlil

This depicts the mind of a god follower in the following disturbing ways:

1. “Delusional. You can’t redeem yourself, you didn’t create yourself.” 
According to this, I must assume and/or imply that I am not to be blamed for anything that’s currently existent in this world because it is apparently ‘god’s creation’ which is then ‘god’s will’ which must be untouchable, undenied and not judged which is then indicating how people literally ‘turn a blind eye’ on reality because ‘we can’t redeem ourselves’ anyways. This also then points out that  God is the one to blame for this creation and us being but innocent puppets that didn’t have any common sense to not see god moving the strings – though I wonder how delusional such people have to be to not even question how this world is existing in such a fucked-up system without getting any straight answer from GOD, isn’t it?

2.”You were created by God out of his good pleasure.” Oh yes, totally!  A filthy nasty pleasure called ‘benevolence’ equated to cloning itself to have power over other entities which he then could call ‘their creation’ which is nothing else but denigrating anything/anyone to being inferior while building yourself a pedestal on top of them – ehm ehm yes God didn’t take his Equality 101 lesson before creating. Now we know how the ‘godly pleasures’ came to be – being a sybarite fucker that must deceive and cheat on anyone to make more of himself, being nothing but a hedonist that doesn’t give a fuck about creating eternally screwed up people with no opportunity to live in a ‘godly manner’.

Thank you, sir, now I know why I have been built as the ‘image and likeness’ as God’s filthy pleasures which gives me a clear view on how I was created the way I am and how this world is certainly ‘God’s creation’, what  a wonderful view of it. 

3.”He provided the perfect sacrifice, Jesus, the unspotted lamb. “

So this is saying that we required a sacrifice in order to kind of say ‘oh man, there’s a God because Jesus died on the cross! he did it for us!’ and within that accepting roman torture as a form of sacrificing an ‘immaculate lamb’ which implies that someone innocent had to die as proof of God being existent? What the fuck? What kind of sense could that make –  The ‘immaculate lamb’ has to do with some weird symbolism that the buybill uses to keep people generating images that will haunt and taunt people until now. Who’s the real sadist here anyways?

Now, look at the ‘he provided’ point – so: God’s a criminal, a killer, a sniper shooter that wants his sadistic traits to be ennobled as ‘perfect’ acts of commiserating to an enslaved creation. Wow! he certainly had fun.

I mean, if someone can place these two words in one single sentence, you must know there is something perfectly deranged in that person: “perfect sacrifice”.

Need I say more? No – self-evident in all its angles.

 

4.”Satan comes as a spirit of light. Tickling your ears with a lie, anything to lead you to deny Christ and lose salvation that is full and free and not of yourself. “

Well, I wonder why am I to hear this because it seems that such process takes place with people that actually follow the light into believing that by ‘accepting Christ’ they’ve saved their asses and will ass-Send to Heaven when they die. If it is free then I ask thee, dear oh God, why is there money in this world if salvation is free!? Why do churches and all of the plethora of sacraments cost money, how come I am required to be a Christian to be ‘saved’, isn’t ALL in your creation equal, dear God?

Who’s the one menacing to deny me something? the christian god or Satan? Seems the christian god here is the one blackmailing people to keep his followers in place lol, what an absolute bastard yet it’s such a perfect trap that they can’t even see it. This is how they deny themselves the ability to forgive themselves because it is apparently ‘not of yourself’ so why god, oh why did he/she/it create a creation that is eternally flawed and depending on his rule of thumb to be saved or not – wow, who’s the prick here then? God? Satan? At least Satan in the nice fictional stories wanted to prove himself equal to God instead of following an obscene hierarchical system.

5. “Leading others weaker than you into falsehood. If the blind lead the blind they will both fall into a pit. It appears money becomes your god.”

Ok so there’s people that are apparently ‘weaker’ which implies that this God created inherently flawed weak people and inherently pumped-up ‘strong people’ to keep its perfect balance in creation, how cool of you God! Gee I wonder if the same applies to those that were born ‘Rich’ and those that were born ‘Poor’ – awesome God, thanks for sharing with us your fantastic fucked up creation that’s never ending!

I wonder then how this person can’t ask a pertinent question like: ‘Why would all-mighty-perfect-stud god create blind people? why would he create people with retardation, malformations, perpetual diseases that certainly can’t allow people to enjoy ‘god’s kingdoom’ as he apparently ‘intended’ to do, at some point or in some story, maybe –

I can’t deny his last sentence as that’s the most sense this person made in the entire comment: “It appears money becomes your god.” It isn’t an ‘appearance’ though, money has become our god, at least a god that isn’t vaingloriously praising his creation or is personified as a blue eyed guy that women then deny having a crush on – yet it mercilessly decides on who lives and who dies – but OH now I get it! God created money so in fact money is just the image and likeness of God which fool-fills everyone’s tummies and “souls” with God’s spirit, fantastic. This person then is missing a key point of his religion with judging others and not realizing it all has been made as the ‘image and likeness of god’, our beloved creator.

 

Oh dear god what have we done to deserve such brainless followers of yours?

To top and wrap up this christian burrito , I never asked for god’s perspective on my video, I never asked for being saved, I didn’t ask for a christian to come and show me the ‘good holy ways’ in life – so I ask: what is it within these christians and god suckers that leads them to try and convert anyone into a god-jesus groupie being that joins them in their mass rites that exalt the idea of a spiteful god that ‘must be right’ in all ways and must never be questioned?

This is in-fact the holy-grail which keeps the churches treasury nice and healthy. Keep it up god followers! You’re almost done paying for your first row ticket to heaven.

For those that can open their eyes about god being an ever elusive idea of superman, visit Desteni for further support in taking off the blindfold.

 

Color0006


%d bloggers like this: