Tag Archives: whining

490. Tantrumy-Me and Childhood Patterns

What I’ve been looking at lately is how much of our childhood tantrums we still act out as adults, or ‘grown ups’ because I have also been playing at looking at us adults as just that, ‘big children’ that can still act out the same things as children just with different scenarios and reasons. Many times I’ve played with listening only the tonality or gestures of someone and stripping that away from the image I have of them as ‘adults’ and instead focusing on the essence of what their words and actions are implying in a moment. What usually comes through is what resembles a tantrum where the most basic definition is that of reacting emotionally to a situation where we don’t get what we want and so we blame others or simply ‘exert anger’ for not getting or being able to do what we wanted to do. Though there’s the dictionary definition for all sorts of clarity:

tantrum

          noun an uncontrolled outburst of anger and frustration, typically in a young child.

This also became clearer when listening to the awesome series at Eqafe.com called ‘Parenting, Perfecting the Human Race’ and getting to understand the core of tantrums and how parents before wanting to see their children as ‘the problem’ they have to look at themselves in terms of how they deal (hide or don’t deal at all) with their own emotions, with their responsibility on themselves, their actions or inactions, because children are only the reflection of what they see at home/with the parents.

Now I know, it’s easier to ‘look outside’ and identify all of this in others but the actual joy of this challenge is to look at it within myself. First of all, I reminded myself the other day when watching myself as a young girl how much of a spoiled girl I was, really, and how I would dare to treat my parents whenever I felt that they were wrong in what they did ‘to me’. Like when I decided to walk on my own in an amusement park instead of being driven on in one of those little carts for kids because I always wanted to be at the very front of everyone and going ‘fast fast’ as well as wanting to be ‘an adult’ myself so do what other adults did, walk – but, I didn’t notice that they stopped to eat something, nor did they, and I kept walking on my own until yes, I found myself lost.

Long story short, I was eventually found, but when I saw my parents I kicked, screamed and yelled the hell out of me towards them, because I was ‘blaming them’ for ‘leaving me alone’ when in fact, I did not want to recognize in that one moment that I had been the one that wanted to ‘play  the adult’ and instead of being driven, I wanted to take the cart with my own hands and walk by myself. But at that moment, oh no! I could not see that! – apparently, but of course I did – What played out then was that I wanted them to feel bad, really bad for ‘forgetting about me!’ And they even went and bought me cookies and some juice and whatever else they could to ‘calm me down’ but I was just enraged, possessed about it. I was 3 years old. Anger in a tantrum became a tendency wherein what I really wanted to do in those moments was to blame others – parents usually – for my own anger, my own self-harm that I knew I was doing to myself with such anger that, I knew was harmful to my body because I could get myself to spike up every nerve in my body in anger possessions as a child. Every time I write about it, the memory comes up of this on my arms, terrible stuff – anyways, those were the blueprints of the tantrum-full-of-rage-and-blame me as a child.

Here I can notice that it wasn’t even the point to ‘get what I wanted’ anymore, but rather ‘making others feel bad for what they’ve done’ and that’s nothing else but a sense of revenge and blame that may not come through at those levels of fury in me any longer – thanks to myself for that – but! I do still notice this ‘whiney’ voice in myself that uses this very childish tonality to manipulate and get what I want or blame others for what went wrong.

Now one thing that I’m recognizing here is my ability to be ok and open about this kind of situations, getting past any sense of ‘embarrassment’ which can only exist if I hold myself on a ‘higher ground’ or a ‘pedestal’ of sorts considering myself flawless, which is of course not  a reality for me. So here I’ll share how I, myself, created the whole situation in which I noticed this pattern nicely within myself lately and so in others as well.

I went along with my partner to assist my sisters and mother to set things up for my sister’s coming baby celebration. I had expected it would be a couple of hours but it ended up being like 4 hours of being more in contact with them within a situation where lots had to be done. As I was working on my stuff and my partner was assisting as well, we were listening to the chats my mother and sisters were having and I noticed how whiney my sisters sounded, like constantly dramatizing stuff, complaining, making a big deal out of simple stuff – and I even considered how this will all sound to someone that doesn’t understand the meaning of words, like my partner, but can only hear the tonality. And that’s right, we don’t have to ‘know the meaning of words’ but can identify anywhere in the world the same tonality and know what it means: whining, complaining, tantrumy essentially.

Now in that moment I didn’t only point out what exists in others, I recognized that I do the exact same thing but what I did notice in particular is how we, as ‘the daughters’ in the family, don’t behave that way with other people. The setting was very specific: mother and three daughters doing a particular common set of tasks. I noticed how my sisters were behaving that way probably because they are talking with my mother and that’s probably how their relationship usually is, it just happens to be that I usually meet them only in social reunion contexts, but here I was co-working with them on a similar set of tasks to do in a limited amount of time, which yes, usually equates in our minds to ‘stress!’ and so kick-and-scream out if things don’t get done as fast and as perfect as possible – type of scenario.

What I noticed thus was all of those personal patterns that I’ve known them and myself for throughout our lives as children towards ‘mother’ that ‘solves it all’ or rather, that we’ve wanted to see her that way, because she has also allowed herself to be the ‘punching bag’ as she explained later on to me when I opened up this observation two days afterward, while also acknowledging and sharing with her what I’m about to share here.

As I mentioned, what was initially going to be a 2 hour thing, became 4 hours and I have the kind of stomach that if I don’t get meals ‘at my time’ I start getting gastritis – again, it’s not like gastritis ‘happened to me’, I have created it within myself, accepted and allowed the factors and conditions through both genetics and my own mind participation to create it, to the point where if I’m not eating at the scheduled time, I have to brace for gastric acids gnawing my stomach. It’s also interesting because I’ve almost made it such a ‘common’ thing for me that I’m not even questioning it further – but that is another point as well for me to later on realize about, but the point here is that I created gastritis in me, I caused it for various reasons. So, I started getting hungry and said to my partner that “hey we should get pizza on the way back, I’m sooooooo hungry.” Already from there some whiney voice coming through as if that indicated that he or someone else could fly to a store and buy me something, which wasn’t possible really to do in that moment. We were riding along with my mother and I let her know if we could stop by to get a pizza after we leave the place because I was really hungry.

So after we were done with all the set-up, we left the place and my mother started following my sister in her car to get out of there, but of course I didn’t let my sister know that we were going to stop to get pizza, nor did I remind my mother about it so we essentially went out of the way completely of getting the pizza. I started whining in the car, with that very high pitched voice wanting to blame my mother for not going to get the pizza and so indirectly wanting to blame her for my pain as well, which was of course my own responsibility. Because if I know that I cannot go many hours without food at a specific time, then I must make sure I carry something in my bag I can chew on and prevent gastritis, but I didn’t. So that was my first point of self-responsibility missed to myself and my body.

Second, I didn’t inform my sister, she had no idea we wanted to stop by the plaza for the pizza, third point I didn’t remind my mother either about the plan – so the point was lack of communication from my side, as if they were to know through osmosis or something, lol.

So as we were going on our way back I started whining towards my mother about the ‘should have’s and ‘you could have’s and in that moment that I caught myself I did stop the whining, as I realized my whole responsibility in it all, but what was done was done. Needless to say that we did stop at some place to buy something to eat, which took as long as it would have taken us to get home and eat something – so again, me with my tantrum led my mother to stop somewhere else for a longer time so that I could get something to eat right away which took longer and of course unnecessary money to spend to quench my hunger.

Upon arriving at home, I was talking with my partner about what I noticed about myself in the car, about this ‘why-why-why-why-whiney’ voice of mine that I can absolutely trace back to me as a 3-4 year old child, he said that yes even if he could not understand the meaning of words, the tonality said it all. I was ashamed of myself, but not in the guilt/self-bashing manner, simply a recognition of MAN! That’s real time proof that ‘whatever bothers you, is inside of you too’ type of situation because I had been thinking within myself about having to listen to my sisters whining/complaining for several hours and getting annoyed at it and bam! What do I end up doing at the end of the day? The exact same and yes, towards my mother as well.

So what I did was bring up this subject with my mother when we were both alone and share what I had noticed within others but also within myself within the starting point of understanding the interesting set-up that formed in that moment, like the ‘family context’ that was recreated in that moment and how I noticed that we have kept the same attitudes in each one of us since we were children, and that it seems that they were triggered because of being the four of us in the same room – the children and the mother – and unfortunately yes, the three of us have a temperament that is not at all nice really, we have this huge predisposition to be extremely exigent with ourselves and others, as well as yes going into whining and anxiety and desperation if things don’t go our way. I’ve been working a lot on it but there are still times when it comes flares up like wildfire, out of nothing really.

So in situations where I am ‘having someone I can use as my human piñata’ in this case the factor of ‘mother’ being present in the equation, the same pattern comes up where in my whining I am wanting to make HER responsible for MY experience of hunger and so for not satisfying MY desire to go eat something. But was it really her problem? Of course not, what I did was nothing else and nothing more than a tantrum.

So of course I have to open up this point because even if I was able to see my responsibility, my creation in the moment, it is about seeing what are the triggers that I accept and allow as ‘perfect conditions’ for me to play out these why-me/whiney tantrums that I am genuinely ashamed of being doing at my 30 years of age, and so prevent them from even the moment that I see my voice tonality coming out from the highest pitch I can find in my vocal range, lolol.

Here I could see then how I have accepted and allowed myself to still see the mother figure as someone that can ‘stand my tantrums’ just like in  my childhood days and upon saying this to her, I said I noticed this and I am aware I have to keep working on this because I saw how it all played out as if we had all just gone back 20 years back in time and we were all living together again and we were all wanting mother to sort things out for us – a bit shameful to think that ‘years make us mature’ really, not so in our minds if we don’t actively work with deprogramming specially childhood patterns in us.

This same thing I can absolutely as well see in the ‘external reality’ as the world system where what are the protests or displays of emotion towards so-called ‘authorities’ but massive tantrums where we believe we have a ‘right’ to demand or point something wrong out, instead of taking the actual responsibility to our creation, stop wanting to find culprits and change, fix, re-arrange, align and correct the things by ourselves first.

Now, my tantrum in this situation I explained was very much like me channeling my 4 year old self, I just did the ‘whining.’ But I’ve also seen how us as ‘adults’ can do the same tantrums in various ways as well where it might not be a stomping on the ground and screaming out , but can be ‘channeled’ through getting into drugs, doing self-harm, alcohol, extreme partying, binge eating, self-deprecating habits as forms of tantrums where we want to blame something or someone else for our experience and so believing that we can ‘trump’ that experience through any form of addiction or self-harming habit or indulgence. Or it can even be just an emotion like constant anger or frustration, or evading ourselves through constantly occupying ourselves with work or only ‘living for others’ and then blaming that for ‘us not taking care of ourselves’ when in fact: who we have missed to take responsibility for throughout the whole time in that equation is Ourselves.

And, another very ‘present’ example. I’ve had a massive flu these last three days. Usually I become whiney about it, desperate because of not being able to focus or not being able to go out and do as usual, usually I want to blame the weather or whatever, but this time I know this might be a process of accumulation of experiences that I didn’t deal with properly that are now having to come out of my body through something like a flu. And yes there is there a tendency to want to be ashamed of my own flu because it’s something I’ve created and caused within myself that is not a ‘nice experience’ but actually, it’s the consequential outflow of a series of things I didn’t look at for myself to resolve them within that now have to come out this way – so self-responsibility, owning my flu as my creation is like making peace with myself, while also learning to see what did I do to cause this for myself and the magic question: how did I create this? Which is a world of a separation from asking the usual ‘but WHY-ME!?’

So that’s a last point to share here, how many times we fear seeing the truth of ourselves because ‘oh no what will others think about me?’ or ‘oh no! I am not supposed to show my true colors’ but, if we don’t get honest with ourselves and see the actuality of what still exists in me as, for example, tantrums, then how else am I going to change it if I have a ‘hard time’ first acknowledging, being willing to accept, have the courage to see what exists as me so that I can then take the responsibility for it to change it.

I will continue next post with self-forgiveness on the whole tantrum point, I truly don’t want to limit myself in blaming the flu for not continuing today, but I also have to learn to not ‘push push push’ if I am actually feeling a bit separate from my body at the moment, lol. So I rather take it easy today.

Thanks for reading

 

Blame Me

 

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80. Seeking for a Meaningful Li(e)fe

“This is even better!” Is a constant way to talk ourselves into thinking that whatever we had perceived as a failure/ fall is now ‘overcome’ and the ‘new me’ is even better, so as to always remain like the ‘winner in the story’ wherein the character that suffered some great fall/ disillusionment finds something ‘greater’ than before, something that is ‘the real shit,’ the ‘real deal’ and absolutely ‘truthful to oneself.’ Can you recognize the gibberish? Yes, it is sponsored by the most common spiritual positive type of self-talk to always remain like a ‘winner’ in your mind, no matter what.

 

This is a continuation of:

Pattern:

  1. “I did not get what I wanted; I seek for something else to ‘truly’ fulfill me”
  2. Wanting to escape from the ‘capitalist world’ and rebel by boing to an ‘unexpected extreme’

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Anything taken Personally is Just a Defense Mechanism to Protect a Character from being Diminished in its Role of Competing for Validation, and Influence and Happiness in the World of Illusion as Character to keep the Illusion going, because in the Illusion the Character makes all the Rules and is a Law unto itself, Regardless of what Harm it Bring to the Natural Living World” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I do not get what I want, I drop it, diss it and ‘move on’ by spitefulness to seek something – once again – that will ‘fulfill me’ in a more ‘truthful manner,’ which is what is usually linked to escaping the world of money that I had accepted and allowed myself to judge extensively.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw psychological tantrums wherein through allowing myself to remain in a particular ‘emotional mode,’ I make decisions based on that emotional-spitefulness, without considering at all what is it that I initially reacted to and how I was absolutely self-responsible for that which I deemed was ‘done onto me,’ which I allowed myself to use to become ‘the victim,’ instead of taking responsibility for all the stages of the event/ moment/ situations that took place before I go into an emotional-breakdown wherein I ‘revamp’ myself by doing something ‘radical’ for a change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be against something/ someone that I had initially sought to attain and that, because I didn’t get my satisfaction from it, I then turn against it, diss it/ criticize it and judge everyone involved wherein I turn into a spiteful person that ‘does not want anything to do with that/ them’ in an emotional state, without being able to consider a solution simply because of allowing me to be self-righteous about my emotional experience, believing that ‘I had the right to be pissed off/ sad/ disillusioned.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and I would go into disillusionment, an ‘emotional breakdown’ and seeing my entire ‘world’ falling apart, I would do the next most radical thing that I could pursue in my own value and moral schemes, wherein I would then take me to the opposite extreme just to spite the previous situation, to not have to face my responsibility toward everything that I judged, but instead, become self-righteous about it and believe that ‘it is my right to do whatever I want and say whatever I want to say, I don’t give a fuck about anything’

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life while being possessed by anger and spitefulness, believing myself to be ‘right’ about being angry and this being backed up by friends that would agree with me, just because of how I would tell the story which was obviously to my benefit, to make me look like ‘the victim’ so that I could get their commiseration and have them backing up my ‘new plans’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create ‘friendships’ based on how much they could agree with the character I was aiming at being/ becoming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become spiteful toward the people involved in an event that I projected blame toward, without ever realizing how I had accepted and allowed myself to just ‘trust’ without any form of actual communication and understanding of what I was in fact participating in and cooperating with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use people to validate my perspectives, points of view upon the entire event so that I could feel like I was ‘cheated’ and remain as a ‘victim’ that had all the right to simply cut all ties with them and ‘do things my way,’ which is a recurrent pattern whenever I experience myself as ‘the victim’ in the world, gathering enough ‘votes to my favor’ so that I could feel good in my misery.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use ‘disillusionment’ from ‘the artworld’ as an excuse for me to seek new ways to create wherein I use people to validate my ‘new aims’ based on wanting to create a more ‘meaningful’ art that would not be sold in art galleries.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start a project based on spitefulness, a desire for revenge and an apparent ‘healing process’ to what I perceived was ‘done onto me,’ which was nothing else but 100% pure drama that I created in order to validate my own way out of having to face my responsibility, not realizing that any anger that I allowed myself to exist as was in fact anger toward myself for not getting my dream and instead facing reality, which was then me thinking that ‘I had made the wrong choice,’ which all boils down to me realizing that I simply was not alright toward myself at all and that my discomfort, anger and frustration was not even about the entire art event, but a general dissatisfaction with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to now turn into spirituality even further as a way to finally declare my dissociation from ‘mainstream arts,’ and seeking to ‘find the truth’ in that which I had been reading/ investigating which was in the vein of entheogens and spiritual awakenings through the use of acid.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to turn further into spirituality as a way to escape what I judged as the evil capitalist world that would ‘suck artists dry of their pure inspiration,’ which was nothing but blatant self manipulation to get things my way and remain as a ‘winner’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how I used spirituality as way to spite the world as in spite-you-all that is also existent in the word spiritual. I realize that my search for ‘god’ or a transcendental experience was based on knowledge and information that I sought to ‘make real’ in my world through following a ‘divine path’ that I was creating for myself, wherein all signs and symbols and events that I started connecting would ‘match’ a pattern of me having to apparently become this enlightened being that could create a new form of art that could heal the masses.

 

This was the moment in my life when I was rapidly hitting rock bottom – this was December and I found Desteni the last day of the last month, where everything that went on for these two months was nothing but me drowning myself into my own ‘tormented soul’ and not getting any other satisfaction but the one that I was busy building as the ‘spiritual search,’ dedicating my entire days to research more and learn about conspiracy theories and everything that I could use to redefine my career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to seek the truth behind the veil of money and success’ wherein I was aiming at becoming some type of ascetic that is only seeking for a ‘divine truth’ by detaching from all worldly things and pursuing my ‘spiritual awakening’ even further – never realizing or considering at all what I was in fact doing and proclaiming as an overall desire to ‘detach from the system,’ which was plain ignorant as I had no idea nor did I consider how no one is able to really in fact be ‘out of the system,’ yet I proclaimed I would do it in the name of ‘the truth’ and ‘my mission in life,’ which started blending more with my artistic-endeavors and I was busy shaping my ‘new religion’ based on spirituality, art and a guru-like personality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek ‘the truth’ through the use of drugs as a means to ‘speed up my awakening’ which proves to what extent I manipulated myself to ‘spite the system’ in what I deemed was ‘the key’ out of the system, seeking spiritual enlightenment so that I would not have to be ‘bound by the claws of the system,’ which was very naïve of myself and plain ignorant, because I never considered how everything that I consume had to be paid for, including the drugs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘seek for something to give me the answer to my life’ and ‘seeking to create meaningful art’ as a point of self-definition based on spitefulness due to/ because of the previous event wherein my dreams of fame/ success we’re not fulfilled as I wanted them to be, throwing a tantrum and seeing everything as being ‘not good enough for me,’ believing myself to be ‘more special than that,’ which is how I lead myself to pursue an spiritual awakening and being predicating overzealously about it, which was me driving myself into my own religion wherein I could finally ‘do things my way’ and apparently ‘free myself from the system.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself at the moment of writing this because of seeing it as absolutely tantrum-based, typical emotional breakdown wherein overcoming the situation implies doing something ‘more rebellious’ than what was done in the past, wherein I simply would have continued trying something out and when being dissatisfied by it, dumping it and going for the next big hit in my life – over and over and over again moving from one spot to another seeking for a ‘truth’ outside of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as plain stupid for having done what I’ve done, and regret having existed with such self-righteousness in the past wherein I could not see anything else but what I deemed was ‘right’ and believing that what I was doing was ‘my right to do so,’ in absolute spitefulness and vengeful ways that I covered up in a positive manner through and by spirituality, believing that I had to go through such ‘tormented situations’ to give up my ‘earthly desires’ and pursuit a more ‘divine-relationship with god.’

 

So this is the moment that I was ready to go fully into the rabbit hole of spirituality and religions and, if it had not been because of finding Desteni and finally supporting myself to stop all my mindfucks, I would have probably continued that way for the remainder of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had to seek ‘beyond myself’ and my ‘limited mind’ to create some type of transcendental art, wanting to ‘establish awareness with the divine in this world,’ which is how I justified all my endeavors in separation of myself, seeking for a ‘truth’ that I could defend zealously, because of thinking that ‘this time, what I was pursuing was ‘above it all’ as it had to do with the idea of god and the ‘whole’ as myself. I realize that this is the ‘oneness’ preached in spirituality, wherein I would only seek to fulfill myself and my dreams/ ideals based on ‘the positive’ while being absolutely oblivious to the entire world and Reality, where no bliss or happiness exists if you have no money to eat.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘change the world’ through art mixing it with spiritual practices, so that I could fulfill my spiritual ego and endeavors of something ‘greater than myself,’ which is the basic and primordial fuck that lead us to the point that we are now facing in our reality, wherein everything that we have ever sought is this ‘moreness’ of ourselves outside of ourselves, in separation of who we are as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to validate my ‘pursuit’ by taking other artistic characters as examples, wherein I ‘knew’ that by creating this specialness about my life and turning into this ‘misunderstood misfit’ I could justify my work as even more ‘meaningful’ within the art world, due to how ‘drama’ was accepted as a key ingredient to ‘make any real art.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my abdication of responsibility toward myself, my word and reality by pursuing ‘spiritual realms’ wherein I could apparently only establish a relationship with something divine and somehow be magically ‘saved from this evil world,’ without even taking a moment to look at reality and see how I was the very +1 point added to the entire mess wherein we only care about ourselves, our own pursuit of happiness which I translated to an apparent ‘superior’ stage such as spirituality, never realizing it is no different to pursuing being a millionaire and having ‘all the power in the world,’ as I translated such power to light, bliss and ultimate wholeness that spiritual teachings claimed.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think ‘I don’t want anything to do with this reality any longer’ which was just another character script line so that I could justify my ‘eccentricity’ as a special being in this ‘fucked up world’ that seeks for something ‘greater’ that not everyone pursues, fueling my own mindfuck by the perspectives and opinions given by people around me which were all relationships backing up my character, my self-belief and within this thinking that I was ‘on the right path’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the thought ‘I just want to be at peace with myself’ wherein I implied that all that I cared was me-myself-and-I and the rest could go down the drain, because of believing that I was not my body, that this world was an illusion and that I had nothing to do with this ‘realm’ of earthly desires. Within this manipulating myself to be and become this spiritual-artist character that is ‘more special’ than everyone else in my own mind only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge, criticize, diss and diminish the ‘glamorous art realms’ due to and because of me believing and perceiving that I had been ‘cheated’ within it, and that I was ‘too noble’ for such businesses, which became my excuse to not pursue anything ‘real’ within my career but only follow through my spiritual endeavors and beginning to start thinking again that I had made the wrong career choice, and that I should dedicate myself fully to spirituality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make an ‘oath’ with myself to only make art that ‘matters’ and not just take nice pictures, which was me making myself ‘more’ than before just so that I could not feel like I had failed in my dreams and endeavors to become famous and ‘well known’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I don’t want to sell myself out this time,’ which is when I started judging money even more as something evil and corrupt that would ‘taint noble young souls’ and ruining the ‘true artist’ which I deemed myself to be, based on all the stories I had read of other artistic characters that I took as a bible to follow

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that this time, I was going to create something ‘real’ and ‘meaningful’ which was just creating my self-religion based on past experiences wherein I was still trying to spite everything that could point out to earning lots of money/ being famous just because I had not achieved my satisfaction within that point, not realizing that if it had in fact ‘satisfied me,’ I would have continued walking my endeavors to escalate more and more in the artworld and continue defending ‘art’ the way that I did before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive myself to being establishing a relationship with ‘the divine’ and wanting to express ‘god’ through my work, getting lost in meanings, symbols, knowledge and information that I consumed in order to create this ‘unique’ self-religion so that I could make of art and spirituality ‘my life,’ all in separation of myself, not even regarding how everything that allowed me to continue living was money to buy food and pay my rent and continue existing in this world, which is how I deliberately shun away the actual planning and the practical steps to be taken in order to establish myself as being able to earn money from art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘god is not money and fame, and it is here for everyone,’ wherein I deluded myself into thinking that I could escape from reality somehow if I established a real devotion toward ‘the divine,’ which is nothing more but pure fanaticism that I was busy building and feeding through knowledge and information that I would quickly embrace because ‘it sounded good to my eyes,’ which proves how anything that eventually shattered my world was seen as something ‘of doubtful precedence’ and ‘not trust worthy’ just because of how I had become so used to thinking that life was about beauty, art and ‘the divine’ that I had to somehow embrace as a constant ‘state of being, ‘ as eternally blissful even if I was in this world – which is the ultimate declaration of separation, as I was willing to pursue this eternal satisfaction, feeling untouchable by the world while the world could fall apart in pieces because I would be protected, because of being a ‘good divine follower’ to some god/ energy/ superior being that I was busy trying to create a relationship to- never ever taking the point back to myself to see how I was only seeking me in separation of myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I would not sell my artwork to ‘stay true to myself, ‘ which was nothing else but a tantrum-based declaration due to the past events of which I remain a victim of for a long time, due to me deliberately seeing how I was absolutely responsible for it all.

 

spiritual mindfuck

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to get rid of something/ someone based on a past event wherein I see myself as the victim – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point will not have to even be existent if I stop the victimization process from the get go every time that I believe and perceive that ‘something is being done onto me.’ Thus I take the point back to myself, take responsibility for what I have created, said/done and within that, stop the cycles of spitefulness, revenge and retaliation toward anything or anyone that I have blamed for my experience.

 

When and as I see myself going into a tantrum of feeling misunderstood and building up emotions and feelings with it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that every time that I see myself going into a ‘down’ experience is linked to me not fulfilling an expectation that I envisioned in separation of myself. Thus I take responsibility to ensure that whatever I do is based on the benefit of all and not just pursuing my personal-life of seeking any form of desire as something/ someone in separation of myself. I realize I am here, breathing, and complete. I do not require anyone or anything to make me ‘more’ than who and what I already am here.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for a ‘radical change’ in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such ‘radical’ and ‘extreme’ moves are based on wanting to spite something/ someone, wanting to make myself ‘more’ again based on a previous perceived fall leading to the belief of me ‘lacking’ something to make myself feel better again, which is all mind-state based/ experience based which is not who and what I really am. Who and what I exist as is the simplicity of breath here that is self directive and does not require to experience something ‘more’ based on a previous memory of a perceived fall. All I require is to stop participating in thoughts leading to a ‘more’ or ‘less’ experience of myself and continue breathing, doing and directing myself to be an do that which is best for all.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am right at being/ becoming angry at someone/ the world and people agree about this experience within me. I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not a point to trust as I am manipulating myself to become the victimized character that seeks company and commiseration in order to justify my own experience as ‘real,’ which is not. I direct myself to take responsibility for any thought implying that I am being done something ‘onto me,’ instead I take responsibility for my thoughts, stop, breathe and continue directing myself within the practicality required in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself projecting blame onto others, thinking or believing that ‘they are doing something onto me deliberately,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the victimized character mechanism to ensure that I continue seeking ways to ‘make myself feel better’ by opposing, creating further conflict to regain my ‘positive experience.’ I realize that who I am here as breath does not require to exist as a constant experience.

 

When and as I see myself using spitefulness and a deliberate self-deprecated sate of being as a ‘healing process’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I used this ‘state of being’ to manipulate people around me, to ‘have mercy on me’ and continue fueling my character of the ‘suffered and misunderstood one’ which is unacceptable, as it is nothing else but emotional blackmail that I am able to stop the very moment that I see myself feeling ‘down’ and ‘low’ as a deliberate expression presented onto and toward others.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘spite the system’ by doing something that is ‘against the law’ and against ‘morals’ I stop and I breathe – I realize the little game for what it is as a means to make myself be ‘more’ than/ more clever/ more ‘cunning’ in the system based on doing that which is ‘forbidden,’ which is just a tantrum and mind-game of self-importance that I ensure I don’t ever participate in by establishing myself here as breath wherein I take responsibility for everything I do, say and think.

 

When and as I see myself seeking for something to give me the answer to life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the answer to life by directing myself in common sense, stopping all useless participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings and realize that there is actual work to be done within myself and in my reality to be the solution required in this world. This implies nothing else but common sensical living, moment by moment, breath by breath, taking responsibility for all the mind-games that I’ve placed and ensuring I stop them here as myself in every moment that I breathe and stop participating in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself whining about wanting to experience something, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am creating an unnecessary friction in my mind to eventually become possessed by that whining and get it by all means possible, which is unacceptable. I remain the directive principle of myself here in every moment that I breathe and direct myself in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘I don’t want to do this any longer’ I stop and I breathe. I check the point wherein I have missed the point of myself and how I am creating a ‘better experience’ in mind. I apply self forgiveness for the desire of a ‘moreness of myself’ in separation of who I am here as simplicity of breath. Within this I ensure that I remain in the simplicity, stability and consistency of myself in breath day by day, moment by moment without defining myself according to the past or any other desire, want and need that may emerge in the mind.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to create, be and become something ‘meaningful’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself in the desire of ‘meaningfulness’ as something more than myself here in simplicity as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging selling my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such judgment comes from the self-righteous spitefulness toward the perceived ‘evil world system,’ which means that it is all judgment based on making myself feel ‘less corrupt’ than everyone else, which is a lie to see myself as ‘better than.’ Thus, I direct myself to if and the opportunity is here to do so, go for it and use the money to support myself in what I require to consume to continue living. Simple.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I have to ‘stay true to myself,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘truth’ as myself has been a personality that has believed itself to always be right as a character/ personality based on always seeing myself as the winner, the one that is right and always ‘on the right path.’ Thus I direct myself to simply stay here as breath wherein I see, realize and understand that I do not require to make myself as a ‘truth’ and ‘honest’ person based on a self-belief of ‘being right’ about my decisions and actions – instead I continue breathing and moving myself moment by moment without holding an ‘idea’ or belief of ‘who I am’ moment by moment.

 

“I commit myself to show that as Long as One Create Self as a Character in the Mind, one is a Criminal that Abuses Life for Self-Interest of the Self Created as Character.” – Bernard Poolman

 

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“I commit myself to show that Self-Honesty will be Tough, as the Characters of the Life of Self have Multiple Diversions and know all the Lies – and thus will Do Everything in thought Backchat to Invalidate Self-Honesty. Discipline Self, Breath by Breath, in Self-Honesty to Return to the Physical Body and to Stop all thought, as Thought Only Creates Characters of Illusion that Lie.” – Bernard Poolman

 

Blogs for de-characterization:

This is a continuation to:


Day 43: Careless

‘I couldn’t care less’ and ‘I don’t care’ – who am I within this as a thought pattern that makes me care-less? This is been an ongoing pattern for over a year, actually almost two years now wherein due to not being having and having slowed myself down within participating in the usual pressures to ‘do excel’ in school and existing in such survival mode in terms of consequences in numerical values if work was not delivered or not done at all, I went into the opposite and became rather careless in a way wherein I would not really ‘fear’ the consequences any longer which would still manifest quite an accumulation of tasks. such as the ones I have at the moment.

 

The word carelessness represents this specific relationship that I had lived as before in relation to all points of responsibility, wherein I would mostly do things out of self-created pressure – ultimately fear of not making it/ survival mode – and once I started becoming more and more ‘lax’ in school and everything as the nature of my studies became more lax themselves, I created this carelessness point wherein I stopped pushing myself to direct myself as effectively as I used to do before when my motivation was fear, which proves the point that we read today on how we have all become addicted to fear as a movement instigator, which is how we have turned it into a positive thing when saying that Money moves us – but in fact it is the fear of Not having money the one that moves us – yet, as always, we rather look at the ‘positive side’ and not seeing the actual reality for what it is.

 

It is fascinating how I simply cannot lie to myself when developing a self-honest communication wherein the word is pointing me out exactly what I have been trying to suppress and apparently saw as ‘not important’ to write about, yet it is consuming my being and keeping me in the conscious mind as points accumulate and then there’s this laxity and ‘carelessness’ wherein I have gone to an extreme opposite of how I used to live in the past, wherein I would be in constant strain and anxiety to ‘get things done.’ Now I’m in the middle unacceptable road as whenever I place myself to do something within a self-directive manner, I get it done until it is done – yet whenever I allow myself to walk the middle-road = I don’t do things, I leave them hanging by the half and go into this ‘carelessness’ mode wherein I simply cover up the remaining ‘task to be done’ as some form of idleness in laxity, meaning, it is still there but masked/ shifted in a way wherein the thought of anxiety is transmuted as an ‘everything’s gonna be alright’ – no wonder I’ve held such backchat toward Bob Marley and that three little birds song that I had to learn when I was in primary school, it sounded so ridiculously optimistic to me that I developed this aversion toward the single sentence ‘Don’t worry about a thing, ‘cause every little thing’s gonna be alright’ or something around there – not realizing that this has become an actual mantra in my head whenever I allow things to just go by and in my journey to step down from this hyper-apprehensive person I created within myself this point of extreme ‘confidence’ that is merely intention and knowledge based, without any actual substance/ work  to be so sure about it.

 

So,   I masked this carelessness point to think that ‘is alright,’ when I am in fact accumulating work without getting it done, wherein I justify the fact that I have been able to always ‘pull everything out alright’ in the past and becoming too apprehensive, stressed, nervous and in a constant state of fear to do so, thus using the past a a way to move myself here, which is in no way acceptable, I cannot direct myself according to ‘who I was in the past’ as a way to reference myself here.  I see that’s been the most ‘clash’ wherein because I had tried to let go of this apprehensive personality, I went into another personality as laxity, just wanting to test out what it was to just not do the homework and see what would happen – fucked up self-sabotage, as it’s not about now stopping being responsible due to the extensive self-definition I had lived as an energetic personality, but to become self-directive which I have proven to myself I am able to be and become when decisions are made – however when I accept and allow any form of ‘leeway’ within me, that’s when ‘shit hits the fan’ as I stand in a quicksand middle ground of no self-direction and only allowing the days go by and leaving points half-way done. Yikes

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the past as an excuse to not move, wherein I simply become part of the old world that is perpetuated in our every day living actions within this world, which are exactly the type of attitudes that have driven ourselves to the current experiences that we have in relation to being in an absolute zombie mode and only being driven by that which entails highly-rewarded activities and only moving when there is energy-reward/ compensation/ remuneration involved, instead of realizing that within a world in equality the only point of motivation is self-here as breath, wherein within that realization I see and understand that everything I do is as a self-willed movement is one plus point to the creation go a world that is no longer profit/ energy driven, but self-willed at al times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ‘carelessness’ as an actual state of being wherein I apparently ‘don’t care’ about consequences and outflows of my own procrastination, when in fact, it is just another way to mask it as it all being ‘alright’ while compounding actual stress, fears and anxiety that I simply wash down through going into the carelessness-mode where I am not in fact being self directive, but only using a no-reaction mode in order to believe that ‘everything will be just fine’ and that I will be able to pull-through it based on the past and my experiences to always ‘get it done’ without realizing that I cannot possibly base the who I am in every moment based on the past of having just walked through the points that must be done, and ‘get away with it’ as in everything turning out ‘alright,’ while in fact this indicates that I am conditioning myself based on the ‘who I was’ in the past which is in no way a self-directive decision, at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a pattern of going to the opposite after having lived a life of extreme apprehension to ‘get things done/ get assignments done’ and always having to excel and be on time, whereas from the past years that this energetic drive has receded, I have now gone to the extreme opposite of apparently ‘not caring’ to excel and always be ‘perfect,’ which is just another self-sabotage mechanism as I am not being self-directive at all within this, but only justifying my previous energetic drive to always ‘have everything done on time’ and always doing works and projects and label myself as a responsible person, to the point where I have now that I am not apparently ‘fearing’ I have only transmuted that fear of the consequences for me not being diligent in my tasks and have made it ‘alright’ as an excuse that ‘I had been so apprehensive my entire life that I required a break’ – yet that ‘break’ is not going into the opposite and stop caring to continue being responsible and use bullshit justifications as to why I am not moving, and instead realize that Because I am stopping self-motivation through energy/ mostly fear of getting a bad grade/ not being able to have proper credits in my school, it doesn’t imply that I then have ‘no motivation’ to do it, as this is now all about Self-Movement wherein I have seen the result of there being ‘no drive’ as an energetic drive – thus believing that something/ someone will push me to do it, which is absolutely unacceptable and a total victimization wherein I am trying to justify actual procrastination in the name of ‘healing myself from the past’ of worry, anxiety and apprehension toward all assignments and work to do, without realizing that it is only a mind justification that is in no way valid as there is no excuse that is valid when it comes to Self-Movement, as I am the only one that bears the consequences and the only one that is able to change that pattern.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consuming my being without actually Caring enough to see that I am simply making it all ‘alright’ and creating a point of extreme laxity wherein because I am no longer driven by the effect of fear of not getting something done, there is simply ‘nothing’ threatening me which is exactly the type of conditioning that I have accepted and allowed in this world as a point of motivation wherein

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be playing out precisely the point of ‘Lack of Self-Motivation’ that most people complain about within the Equal Money System presentation, wherein because there is no Fear as Fear of Survival that drives the human being to act, work to be part of a giving and receiving society/group as humanity, everyone asks ‘what will be the point of motivation within the Equal Money System?’ and in that, realizing that the motivation given by earning money/ making profit out of any activity is in fact the fear of survival/ not having enough money that is driving everyone currently to keep going within this system – this implies that in my case, as I am not being threatened to life to do what I have to do, I am in fact only allowing myself to confirm that I have been an organic robot that can only function based on fear as a crutch to move and use it as a motivation, which is unacceptable as I am in fact recreating the patterns of the old world wherein nothing moves if there is no money/ energy incentive as motivation.

 

I realize that in this point in my process, there will be Nothing moving if I don’t move and this has been the starting point of me having continued writing after a long hiatus – or intermittent participation in writing – in the past wherein the very act of writing had become the same point of ‘idleness’ wherein If I didn’t move, I obviously would remain in that comfort of ‘nothing happens,’ when in fact I actually simply let it all go-by and not take the moment to write myself because I believed that it was all ‘just fine’ – which is one of the greatest lies that we have all, collectively as humanity, accepted and allowed as a way to avoid facing the real responsibility that is required to take on in this world, and I realize that if I continue in this laxity and apparent ‘carelessness’ in this aspect of my direct participation in an outcome that is part of a collective effort, I am being the one point that along with many other points add up to the queues of ‘carelessness’ wherein we rather focus on something else and outside of ourselves, instead of absolutely giving myself the time to focus on my own process of self directive and self willed movement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only make everything within my world being ‘alright’ because there is no fear involved driving me to do things – but that it is thus the specific moment wherein I must step outside of ‘the zone’ that I had been specifically warned about, and realizing that Nothing will truly move if I don’t move’ – and this applies to every single aspect that I move myself in, wherein I am not being as self-directive in all areas of my every day living.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thinking pattern of ‘it’s fine, I’ve got time, there’s no need to rush, take it easy, everything will turn out to be fine’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is exactly the type of thinking patterns that I have used as a justification to not move and remain in idleness while holding a belief that somehow I will do it eventually which is an absolute time-trap that I have built within myself, wherein I am only procrastinating my own correction within self-movement as an equally-applied point in my reality

 

I direct myself to stop creating differences of my application according to what the task is and what is the task for, wherein I stop valuing my self-movement and direction and placing toward that which I have placed as ‘more important’ in my mind, yet not realizing that all points that I have directed myself to participate in are equally important. Thus, what we are here to do is realizing that the reality that I have built for myself as my own life and my world has been that of ‘waiting’ and ‘hoping’ that something will ‘move me’ and only moving if fear of survival/ fear of loss is involved – which implies that I have been proving myself to be a conditioned organic robot to only function based on fear and the stress of a life-threatening application, which is the base foundation of the entire current system wherein we are all just moving and chasing after because we have accepted and allowed the fact that if you don’t work = you don’t earn money – therefore you die as the fuzzy logic system that instills fear and a life-threat in order to cause movement. This implies that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my life I had never in fact being a Self-responsible person and actually moving by my own will, as I have simply driven myself through and by energy as fear, life-threats that are not ‘spoken’ but simply known and accepted as such, because of believing that ‘this is how the world works.’ Thus, the moment that I accepted and allow myself to require a point of motivation I can see that I am not being self-directive and self-willed at all, but that I am only adding one point to the entire fear-fueled reality that only moves according to the amount of life threats that we can receive in order to get things done.

 

I forgive myself that I have abdicated my power to move in every moment of breath to the mind as the pattern of ‘carelessness’ wherein I am constantly shifting myself to ‘do something else’ instead of focusing on my own tasks and assignments that must get done by me-moving-myself as a self-willed movement that I realize, see and understand won’t come by ‘a magic wand’ but require actual self-movement, self-direction and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in ‘all places’ at all times, pushing for a point of moving ‘faster’ yet missing out the point that this existence moves at the pace of breath, wherein rushing and trying to speed up any form of process is just a waste of time, actually, as this process won’t get ‘done faster’ unless I become that point that proves to myself that the actual way to walk this is in every moment of breath that I Direct myself to a best for all outcome, which implies also dedicating myself to Move myself, to see for myself and actually create a point within my living pattern of Not requiring energy to move – in this, being an actual part of the solution that understands what it means to will ourselves to move without requiring threats and/or emotional blackmail to move myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of others promoting ‘positivity’ as laxity and carelessness while believing that ‘everything will be alright’ while in fact, I am living by that which I ‘loathe’ which is washing it all down as ‘there’s not a problem, it should be fine’ instead of actually investigating in the moment what is it that I am in fact suppressing and making it ‘alright’ to not have to face the actual point of change as self-movement, which implies that we only project onto others that which is deeply ingrained within ourselves. Therefore, I take self responsibility to ensure that I stop all forms of delusional expectations on something ‘working out just fine’ after a while out of nowhere, instead of seeing and realizing that this process requires my every-breath direct participation in the construction of a world that is certainly self-directive and self-willed wherein we can prove that we can stop being slaves to become equal self-directive free beings, that do not require a shackle and whipping to move, but that we can simply direct ourselves to just do it.

 

I commit myself to become the self-directive point in every moment that I see myself deviating into doing ‘something else’ other than what I see is priority within my own process, which implies that I must establish the point of self-movement as self-motivation without any form of fear or life threat as an instigator for such movement, but I realize that nothing will change and nothing will move If I don’t change and if I don’t move – which I now realize are the most important aspects that I have to direct within my every day living, to prove that we as human beings can actually motivate ourselves and move ourselves in the name of our own self-support as life, wherein we stop seeking for an energetic ‘high’ of getting something done, accomplishing something in separation of ourselves, but instead walk the necessary actual application to get things done for/ by / as a Living Principle – which is living life in a self-directive mode instead of being fueled by positive and negative experience as a motivation, which resulted in the current world where we live in extreme greed and extreme fears alike.

 

I commit myself to get my shit together and establish and actual self-direction in my world wherein I stop wavering and riding the waves of ‘It’s alright, it’s okay, I’ll get it done somehow and someway’ which is a constant point as ‘carelessness’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, wherein I am in fact delegating my power away, the power that exists here as every breath, and using my time and space to divert my attention from what requires to be directed, which means that I have to stop the patterns of procrastination by masking it with ‘overcoming a previous life pattern of apprehension, worry and concern’ to always get things done, which is in fact self-manipulation to excuse my actual lack of self-movement, which I then become rather cynical about in terms of realizing that ‘yes, I didn’t move’ and not walking a practical solution to Move and Direct myself to get my tasks/ work done.

 

I commit myself to stop every moment that I go into the same laxity and carelessness and making something ‘alright’ without further investigation if there is actually something hiding behind that ‘carelessness’ due to washing down the energetic movement that arises and that I simply transmute into another experience which is also energetically based as ‘laxity’ and ‘carelessness’ – which implies that I must stop and breathe in every moment to see where I am allowing myself to ‘flow toward’ and not be self-directive in every moment, as I see and realize that it is in these seemingly ‘small fleeting moments’ that I actually walk away from self-direction and enter into ‘the zone’ of riding the waves of going into any point that ‘comes to me’ and ‘emerges’ instead of me directing myself toward it as a self-directive move and principle.

 

I commit myself to stop the ‘carelessness’ attitude and laxity and instead, move myself as self-care wherein I make sure I walk my own process instead of being constantly shifting myself out of HERE in order to go and ‘do something else’ other than the obvious points that require direction which can be directed in a single moment of breath and actual physical move wherein I see myself as the only point of motivation required to do so, as an actual motility instead of only thinking about it – I move myself as an actual physical movement to do so and in that, stop procrastinating self-movement into an energetic-driven reality.

 

“If I don’t change, If I don’t move

Nothing will change and Nothing will move”
Anu from the Hereness of reality.[*]

 

 

Blogs:

 

Interview support:

[*]Reptilians – How Hope Creates Hell – Part 38
Reptilians – Patience, and how to Live it – Part 43  
Reptilians – Where is Life – Part 28

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