Tag Archives: worry

495. Debunking Worry as Care

Or how to stop being a worrywart: a person who worries too much or who worries about things that are not important 

I described myself today as this because I’ve noticed how I’ve connected a sense of ‘worry’ to the word ‘care’ wherein I’ve learned to believe that the way to care about others is through worrying about them or if I ‘care about the world’ then I should worry about it all the time. Well, that’s one of the reasons why I ended up in continuous experiences of ‘feeling down’ because I have made it an automated mode in myself to over-think, over-analyze things too much wherein ultimately in an attempt to care and consider for others, for things happening in reality, for consequences that we can touch, breathe, eat every single day I attach too many thoughts around it all, which lead me to a situation of worrying about everything.

And the interesting thing is that I had not identified it as ‘worry’ per se, but today I was simply walking on my way back home and I saw a mother with a kid coming out of the pre-school and started walking in front of me. So this is more or less how thoughts went in my head: the kid was drinking something that I immediately judged as ‘unhealthy’ due to all the colors and tetra-pack it came in – and the kid was wearing a sweater in what I perceived as scorching hot sun, which I considered as a ‘neglectful thing to do’ from the mother towards the kid’.  I interpreted that the mother probably didn’t have money to buy him something healthier to drink, I assumed that the kid had no voice of his own to just take it off by himself; I interpreted that his pants were too long so that they can ‘last longer’ and so mother doesn’t have to go spending more on him every time the child grows, I assumed that they are having money-worries.  I interpreted that she is probably holding him that forcefully because she is pressured by lack of money, by her work, having to rush in some kind of ‘special permit’ at work to pick up her son, not being able to be a stay at home mother probably, yet talking to him that way, I interpreted that she probably didn’t even want to have the child in the first place = I worry about the kid, I worry about the future he will become as part of our society, what kind of ‘citizen’ he’ll grow to be and worry that this is the same story repeating a million times in this country and world and so multiply ‘his experience’ into that of millions worldwide.

Yeah, no kidding, hello! Welcome to Marlen’s thoughts throughout a couple of minutes of walking behind a woman and her son. Now, in my mind this is like ‘a usual thing’ where I observe and ‘compose’ an entire series of assumptions and stories wherein I try to make sense of what I may perceive as ‘forceful movements’ or ‘the kind of clothes they wear’ or the way they are speaking to each other and in essence, all these stories usually end up in tragedy in my head, I worry for that moment upon seeing them that the child will end up lost in drugs and doing something he never wanted to do in his life… and if I look at ‘who I am’ in this moment is essentially worrying, worrying, worrying and believing that ‘I care’ for others when I do all of these interpretations.

And this is something I’ve been more directly observing as of late because I haven’t really made it a point to consider how Exhausting it is to go seeing everything and everyone through the eyes of ‘it’s all a consequence, it’s fucked because it’s our creation and we’ve fucked up within ourselves, therefore what we see and every single thing that happens here is just ‘wrong’ because of that’  And in a way sure it has allowed me to no longer see the lives of everyone and the reality we live in as something that was ‘done onto ourselves’ but I push to see it as our collective creation. However, this still doesn’t have to come with a pinch of worry and sadness or temporary ‘low’ upon seeing reality, because I can ultimately choose and decide Who I Am in the face of it all, and worry is certainly not something that will change anything, it doesn’t make me care more because ‘caring’ cannot be something I give to every single person and bit of reality I encounter in front of my eyes, it’s not practical, it’s not common sensical or possible to do.

This is also one of the reasons why I became a bit too emotionally involved in seeing certain disruptions in my reality at the beginning of last month as well, where a part of me wants to ‘feel’ the worry and concern because of associating this with care.

When I see the words worry and worrywart, I can associate it with both sides of my family, my aunts on both sides especially and my grandmother and my own mother and my own sisters… lol like a female design of worry, worry, worry as a sign of care and it’s not needed, it only truly deviates myself from the potential that exists in everything and everyone and instead I keep focusing only at the level of ‘seeing the problem’ and participating in the problem through me spending those breaths of life Worrying about it all, so:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the action of worrying with that of care towards others, making it a sign of understanding or solidarity, when in fact worry does nothing to actually assist me in sorting something out in reality nor does it assist me in actually changing my emotional experience, therefore I commit myself to stop, breathe and ‘swipe’ the thought and experience of worry about everything and everyone that I see, which means stopping seeing through the eyes of despair or problems everywhere and instead decide to first stop the judgments I tend to add towards the reality that I see and instead, assist myself to focus on the potential, how the consequences could be prevented, how outcomes can be supported or ameliorated, yet beginning with myself by ensuring I do this without becoming emotional about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the experience of worry as a ‘natural way of looking at people and this world as a whole’ wherein I have made myself believe that there is no other way to look at this world, people and reality but through the eyes of worry, despair, pointlessness as momentary flicks of attention given to ‘the problem’ instead of me focusing on the solution as myself by stopping worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my nature is that of ‘being too caring’ towards others wherein in my mental equation of ‘caring’ = worrying, I’ve become the embodiment of ‘constant worry’ which is also what I got to see in my facial expression in many videos in the past that I recorded where my face denotes worry, fear, sadness and it is nothing else but the condensation of this ‘auto-mode’ that I’ve fueled and created as ‘who I am’ in those seemingly fleeting moments where ‘nothing’ seems to happen yet I am seeing/observing people, reality around me and reading a bit too much into everything, taking myself to a level of worry and concern based on my own interpretations, my own assumptions that I project onto people and everything around me, which serves nothing and no one really. I am not practically making the world or others’ lives better by me making stories of suffering and despair around them as the reason ‘why’ I see them in this or that way.

I realize that I have tended to wear the worrywart filters on my eyes for far too long and that means I have made it almost a ‘natural state’ and condition in me, to assess everything through the eyes of worry, suffering, despair, sadness, enslavement… but reality just is, people just are what they are and I have to practically stop reading ‘into’ others for the sake of feeding this worrywart view of mine about virtually everything and anything in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to learn from the females in my family and extended family that worrying is a natural thing to do when caring about someone which is how I’ve developed this worry-care in my head in an attempt to make myself aware of others’ problems and hardship, but even in doing this, it can be done and looked at in a sober manner where I don’t have to emotionally invest myself in worrying about it as in being emotionally affected by it, but learning to see things objectively, for what they are, because I now realize that worrying is not the same as care and real care would be to actually practically assist the people or that situation to a better outcome – if it is in my capacity and ability to do so, because I cannot go practically changing ‘the world’ based on what I may see or assess about other people’s situation or the condition of a particular environment and pretend I can do things alone to change it. I have to be common sensical in this and be able to let go of my thoughts of worry about something, and rather apply care first toward myself by caring for myself, my body and not generating emotional and mental burdens at any given moment.

I saw this today as well where first I saw one pigeon walking next to us when entering one place and the next moment when we’re out, bam, there’s a pigeon squished on the pavement. I got worried about it instantly, as a form of ‘care’ but seriously, there was nothing I could do to prevent it, and so my worry and care are useless once that the consequence is there.

So I commit myself to look at reality with a different pair of eyes, wherein I first focus on me stopping my worrywartness experience and instead learn to see objectively how there’s a plethora of things that are out of my hands to prevent or directly change in their nature or outcomes, but I can focus entirely on myself, stopping existing in worry as fears or imagining ‘the worst’ in any moment and so stopping becoming that expression myself, because I realize it supports no one, it doesn’t assist me to grow or become a better person either, doesn’t make me more ‘considerate’ either, because worry is an emotional experience and consideration is a regard, a moment where I can acknowledge something without the added emotion into it. And that’s what I can focus on developing within myself: sticking to common sense and stopping seeing through the veil of worry as care.

So here looking at the word ‘preoccupy’ as a similar word to worry and also in Spanish ‘preocupar’ contains the words pre-occupy as ‘before or prior to occupying’ which is precisely indicating how futile it is to worry about something instead of directly occupying oneself in doing the things that we have to get to or do, and in this context my immediate self-responsibility is that of not participating or entertaining thoughts that usually lead to projecting, imagining and assuming a lot that goes on through the ‘worry’ experience, therefore I have to focus back on myself, precisely on not feeding this experience and instead seeing reality objectively, in stability, understanding the consequences, acknowledging the outcomes without emotional investment.

Thanks for reading

 

Now I See

 

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443. Worry: Problems in the World Back To Self

 

A few days ago I had to take some pictures, the kind that one takes for passports and such. Throughout my life I’ve kept them all throughout the various phases in my life and it’s interesting to see the evolution of myself throughout the years not only due to the hairstyles, weight variations or ‘time of my life’ I was at, but more so seeing this constant expression that I had become aware within myself as part of my general rictus, which is what I would define as a worried face. I have a picture of myself as a four year old and what I see in my expression is worry. And surely, I have worried a lot throughout my life. Mostly when it comes to the global deterioration, us using/abusing the resources from the earth, depleting life to create our nonsensical ‘dreams’ that we call ‘living’ which I have also walked in a previous blog about ‘worry’ here:  Day 49: I Consume Myself – I Worry

Ever since I was a little child I’ve been ‘worrying’ about the water I use, how much I ‘spend’ of living resources including food, animals, vital elements for us to live and how we essentially use them up or pollute them to make our lives function, contributing to the wasteland that we are turning this world into. There was a time some 5 years ago maybe where I went through a phase of getting fed up of having to eat, getting fed up of having to go to toilet, and seeing myself as nothing else but this self-consuming parasitical entity that along with every other human being is equally depleting the life on Earth. I realized however through writing it out and making sense of it that I was in fact just becoming worried and living in self-pity as a very selfish emotional experience as well, because my ‘thoughts’ or ‘emotions’ didn’t change at all the fact that in order to live we have to keep consuming what is here, it is a consequential outflow as well of how currently life exists and me becoming on top of that ‘worried’ or ‘sad’ was actually placing more strain and stress on my very own physical body, the one that I was aiming at nurturing and supporting. I realized that I’ll have to continue doing it, over and over again until I die, and continuing in this ‘self-pity’ for having to live this way or hoping or wanting to die is not the solution either (hear my podcast on Efilism for more). So, I decided to instead make of my life something of support to life in this world, beginning with myself.

Being aware of the ‘greater picture’ in many ways, not only in what I would call ‘Earthly’ information as we see our politics, money systems, educational bogus systems, poisoned foods and airs… but also being aware of the greater purpose or meaning if you will of this life on Earth as it currently is, is both a way to make sense of my life but also can be at times a bit discouraging, considering that I am one of those people as I’ve explained  many, many times before that would rather prefer to die in order to let the Earth breathe again than hold on to my life and continue depleting it. I sincerely don’t recommend dwelling too much on that, because even if we all die on Earth, the ‘who we are’ and have become would at some point emerge again, maybe in some other living forms that would reflect again the same current ‘human nature’ and so, the ‘human problem’ would not be erased, because this goes beyond it being a ‘human’ problem only. Us humans are more like the climatic consequence of an existential process that goes beyond only looking at the ‘history’ we know of Earth and the rest of it. Though, because it would take a long time and many details to explain the ins and outs of why we are such ‘existential consequence,’ I rather stick to taking it back to myself and seeing directly how upon having this awareness of what ‘life’ on Earth is at the moment and the current problems we are dealing with, there is really no point in me continuing to worry about it.

Here as I write I notice that I’ve become worried about certain news I became aware of today. An example is how a business that opened across the street from where I live that I was quite committed to be a loyal costumer of to get my fruits and vegetables, is considering closing because there is not enough profit. I noticed I got sad because I had created an expectation of them doing well, I wanted to be part of the costumers that could make it thrive so that this family could have a good settled profit and business going… but it’s not happening. They are indebted and they cannot invest more money into it if the return is too low because of low sales, therefore there’s food that goes bad, the rent is too high and they had this loan already to pay back which means they are making no profit.

I started discussing this point and looking at the current set-up in the system where ‘new businesses’ are often the most difficult to get running and going, unless one has sufficient money to invest on it. Then I looked at the banking system where digits can be placed onto someone’s account and get some juicy profit back in the form of interests over the actual worked-for money back. There’s also the costumers that might prefer to get stuff a bit cheaper somewhere else, even though this shop has a great service, yet costumers might rather look first at saving some money instead of considering as I did in the sense of rationalizing that other settled business might not need ‘me’ as a customer any longer, I rather spend maybe a bit more to support this new business, this family and also choosing it because I like their service a lot. So, I looked at the absurdity of not having support for this kind of business as part of our economic system, because they are distributing essentials to live: food! Yet, for a variety of reasons that go beyond the ones explained as well, it’s just not taking off or there are no more means (money) to keep the trial phase.

Maybe someone might say ‘bah! It’s not your business, why do you worry about it?’ well surely it’s not ‘my business’ but I did like the fact that I could also benefit from it and at the same time throughout the months from the time It opened, I did create this constant if you will ‘desire’ to have these businesses thrive, supporting a new enterprise and family running it. I did expect it to work and well, we know what happens when expectations are created: one is prone to be ‘let down’ if they are not met, even though there is of course this risk that comes with any business too and people are also meant to be ‘ok’ or ‘ready’ for the potential outcome of having to foreclose.

This is another reason why it is important to accept things as they are and how they go taking place moment by moment. In my ‘ideal’ world everyone that has such supportive intent in a business – like distributing basics to live – would be unconditionally supported to get sufficient customers/business running for at least 6-12 months until it can be ‘running on its own.’ And also get sufficient support to do proper marketing as part of that initial aid/support to ensure that if the business fails, it is not based on doing all that the business people could to make it work, but for other reasons that pertain more to the products or the customer base, the demand for products and so forth. Anyways, won’t get too ‘technical’ here but in any case I don’t like just seeing a ‘closing story’ go like that, I want to know the reasons and see the potentials and the determination that the people have to make it work, which in this case I might also suspect they simply prefer to go back to doing other professions they were doing before, which is understandable in any case if that’s also part of the reason for closure.  So, that is one example that ‘got me worried’ today, though as I am writing of course I’m realizing that my worry does nothing really, it won’t sort out a single thing, at all. All I can do is rather understand why these things happen, suggest any solutions if I see them and then the rest that becomes too ‘unresolvable’ like debts and all of that, I then place as part of that ‘consequential process’ that we are all ‘coping with’ in this world, which we usually victimize ourselves in relation to which is usually money of course.

I’ve seen how there is this ‘hidden blame’ form whenever these things happen where once one traces the point back to ‘money’ as the apparent source of the problem, it is almost implied that one becomes worried, sad or even angry at things not working out ‘because of MONEY’ as well, yet as I was discussing this point the other day with my partner, it is quite futile to just point fingers at this ‘creation’ called money as the source of all of the problems, because of course money is not a ‘being’ in itself, it’s our creation and we are the ones that have decided – tacitly or blindly – how it works and by who and how it is created and who gets access to it and under which circumstances. To change that, as I’ve explained, it will take all of us one by one waking up to understand who we would have to be/become as individuals in order to then manifest the new nature of money as a life-enabler, not what it currently is as a life-enslaver so to speak. Yet this relationship of enslavement is not only existent as ‘money’ itself, not at all. It is but the main representation of how the relationship that we’re existing as within our own minds, toward our own body and so toward ‘everything else’ that has existed throughout our entire existence as human beings and may I say even beyond that as well.

Today I was also discussing how important and supportive it has been for me as this personality that would constantly worry about having to flush the toilet or take a shower because ‘ah there goes more of my waste into the world!’ and living in this constant apprehension mode,  to understand the ‘greater picture’ of why Earth is what it is right now, why we are here, how is it that we’ve all agreed and contracted ourselves to be here, experiencing this life and this world as what it is right now, and how it is actually a necessary thing as well to go through, undoubtedly so. 

Here even if one is not aware of the entire detail of why this is so or where I got this conclusion, due to the amount of time it would take to read/hear the whole history of this existence from the various sources that are available through the Desteni material and Eqafe, I can only say that if you are a person like me that has constantly worried about us having to live in this world, and constantly looking at the ‘greater picture’ more than one’s own life and experience here, and you have the time/resources and availability to learn about the history of mankind, the actual reasons for why we are here and the potential we all have in our lives, then please take a dive into the Eqafe material because it will assist you greatly in having a certainty as to ‘who we are/what we are doing here’ and at the same time, get the assistance and support to see what can one live/be/become to be part of the solution, instead of getting stuck within only seeing ‘the problems’ all the time or not having a clue about reality and still hoping that something will ‘magically erase all the problems’ which I’ve realized first hands tends to become a very gloomy view of everything without any solution, and would actually defeat the whole purpose of us realizing ourselves as co-creators of this reality and so, do our part in sorting it out.

This might sound a bit to generalized or cryptic due to not explaining the exact ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of the story, but suffice to say that there are processes that we have to understand as creators of our reality here. We cannot be trusted with life unless we prove to ourselves in our life that we can stand as the living principles, the living intent and purpose of making our own lives work in accordance to that which would enable life to grow, expand and thrive. Currently, we are not that yet, we are in the process of starting this change at an internal level to precisely realize or ‘see with real eyes’ how much we have enslaved ourselves within our own minds and bodies to the extent where we limit ourselves, we hold ourselves back from standing as real creators of the life we want for ourselves because there are fears, there are judgments, there are mental patterns that we’ve become entirely so to the extent that we become blinded by them and not seeing the  clarity of solutions, but only rehash the problem over and over again. So essentially – without the intent to judge myself and any other fellow human beings here but as a sheer realization – we have become our own trap and our own enslavement, starting with how we accept and allow ourselves to ‘operate’ and function in our own minds.

An example of this ‘acceptance and allowance’ is related to self-sabotage. I’ve been reflecting over this weekend about self-sabotage because it is a bit astounding to what extent we hold on to our failures, past destructive experiences and stories, creating this form of personal stigma that we keep carrying within ourselves as this bag of ‘dirty laundry’ that we don’t actually take to wash, lol. Meaning, there is almost this inherent nature in ourselves of self-defeatism, self-pity, self-destruction, self-sabotage to not see, lay out and focus on understanding our responsibility and so see the solutions that come with it, but instead we continue running around the same problems, memories, traumas, past experiences that we keep on ‘reloading’ in our mind, in our day to day awareness as almost a self-punishing reminder of why we are these ‘terrible’ creatures that deserve no forgiveness in life. I once was there, maybe not in the extent that other people with very difficult situations in life right now could be experiencing it, but to the point it is the same to consider that each one of us does have the ability to at least in our minds be willing to forgive ourselves, for everything that we’ve done and become. If this is not entirely understood as this actual realization of ‘what I have done and become’ and willing to let it unconditionally ‘go’ from our minds, then we are essentially condemning ourselves to live our own ‘sentencing’ as the judgments, the emotions, the memories that we’ve held on to as ‘the person we are’ and perceive ourselves to be unable to change ourselves.

Even if one may understand or see that “one has to be the change that we want to see in the world”, at a personal level we may still be holding on to this point of self-sabotage and dare I say captivity in how we treat or perceive ourselves in our own minds in a self-bullying mode, then how can we expect ourselves to move on, outgrow the old and expand in any real way?

 

And this is also why whenever we see or focus too much only on the ‘systemic’ problems out there, even if we take the point back to ourselves yet in doing so we perceive ourselves as powerless or unable to change or simply ‘too fucked up to do anything about it’ = it becomes the first deterrent in any process of real evolution and change in this world. And here the fact that I can become sad or worried about others doing this in their own lives, or others not having a successful living in their business becomes also a comfort zone for myself to only create an experience about it, yet it sorts nothing out either. I noticed how it’s also become too ‘comfortable’ to justify it as ‘I have a point in becoming sad about it!’ but: has sadness or worry in any ways assisted me to become a better living human being that is resourceful in solutions and also seeing immediately ways to act to sort things out or at least suggest them whenever possible? Nope, it hasn’t.

Today I actually did discuss options with the business people for example, yet at the same time realizing that it will also ultimately be their decision and what they are willing to go through of course, I still became a bit ‘down’ within myself after this discussion and surely discussed it with my partner as well once again to take myself back to this ‘greater picture’ understanding and it assists in not getting carried away with a sense of defeat. I’ve also realized that this worry has piled up from other situations I’ve become aware of lately where I see that any form of business that is geared as the kind of business/service that in fact supports the betterment of any form of living in this world gets little to no support or has to go bankrupt, because our priorities haven’t changed when it comes to what we prefer to buy and consume. Instead of say paying for a course that will assist you to become a very self-empowered individual that can become the gearing wheels to make anything in our lives work for the better – and not for a moment but for an entire lifetime – we decide to buy things that instead give us a momentary pleasurable experience that then might be blown up in smoke so to speak.

The same can be reflected with a business that focuses on ‘selling vegetables and fruits’ because if there’s more of a demand for junk food for example, then that also reflects a lot ‘where we put our money into’ and so the kind of businesses we push others to also consider as a way to thrive = and this is how we limit each other in very few options for ways to ‘ make a living’ where it is truly hard for anyone to make an ‘honest’ living with ‘honest’ activities altogether, which I dare say don’t or can’t really exist as such in a world where the very existence of money as is, is definitely not from a self-honest starting point of assisting life for example. And yet again, this is another consequence of who we are toward one another/ourselves that we’ve allowed something like money to exist the way it does now.

The same emerged upon seeing one picture of a collapsed and exhausted horse on the streets of NYC, once again realizing how much we are enslaving other beings that were once pure in their entire expression, and us humans have dominated them throughout time to turn them into the source of one’s income in an exploitative way, because: If we haven’t even focused on entitling each other human being with a dignified living income to have a decent amount of money to live well and at the same time, learn how can one best contribute back to society, then how can we not expect that the most abusive forms of ‘making a living’ emerge as a form to survive where people have to make use of animals for zoos, for hunting, for ‘romantic rides’ like in freaking NYC where this horse collapsed on the pavement as another consequential outflow of this monetary enslavement we’ve imposed toward each other – again, we have ALL – no one excused – contributed to the nature of what money is and the ‘laws’ behind its creation, which represents the exact nature and reflection of our own self-imprisonment, self-sabotage, self-punishment and ultimately self-enslavement as I explained above in terms of how we hold ourselves back from truly breaking-through to be the actual authors and directors of our lives.

So, how can we expect for example, this magical form of ‘democracy’ that currently exists to sort out things as in choosing x for z if we don’t even truly know what it means to gear one’s own power/capacity and ability as a person to be the living embodiment of what is best for oneself and so everyone else in this world? How can we even believe that such a choosing game contest that our current political circus represents, could deliver in any ways the ‘expected results’ if we live in an absolute abdication of self-responsibility and self-direction, or even a bit worse, we have no idea of what ‘that is’ or how to live it in fact?

This then goes back to oneself. It is truly a process that each one of us can take on in our most ‘simple’ day to day activities, it begins with taking on a particular experience in one’s day. Here I place my example, taking on ‘worry’ as an experience that has become almost this ingrained expression in my rictus ever since being a child, so the ‘why’ of this relates to probably other aspects that are not really needed to be ‘understood’ by myself in terms of knowing all the exact reasons and multiple dimensions to this experience – all I require to realize is that: I see it on my face, I experience it within me, I’ve been aware of it for most of my life.

So here for once and for all I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘by default’ or in a tacit manner blame money or ‘the way the system works’ that apparently prevents things from working out, instead of realizing that money works according to how we create it/make it work and function and as such any form of ‘blame’ is actually a lame way to keep oneself trapped in the problem, because it leads to no solutions, blame is like pointing the finger at a mirror that reflects ‘my error’ in any case. Therefore I realize that I have to stop these ‘hidden forms of blame’ towards money as the reason for things not working out in my life and rather realize that it is within each one of us/myself, to make money work properly in a way that is assisting for life/living, for myself and for everyone else in this world.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the expression of worry, concern, sadness when it comes to seeing the nature of ourselves as human beings, of this world, of the nature of how ‘things work and go’ wherein I now see, realize and understand that my worry, my concern, my sadness or ‘pain’ around it does absolutely Nothing to create a solution in this world; in any case it worsens it, why? Because I become the source of my inner War as worry and concern, which are emotions, energetic experiences that deplete my own physical body, that create a ‘fog’ to not see practical solutions and creates a strain on what is here as a point of life and support for myself: my physical body, my living substance.

I commit myself to use my mind in a way that is supportive, that can always bring the point back to (my)self where I see that continuing worrying and being concerned throughout seeing things not working out in people’s lives and things in the system in general creates zero solutions in this world. Instead I focus on me, on stopping the creation/recreation of worry within myself, in my body, in the nature of this ‘saddened’ expression’ in my face where I notice it becomes a general ‘low’ in my body, voice, experience and way of ‘handling myself’ in my body, tampering my expression.

Therefore I have to ensure that as I make this active decision to stop the worry from existing within myself, I have to breathe, to actively feel my physical body to the point where I can see I am not in ‘a low’ or ‘too tense’ or lost in some mind dimension. I straighten my back, I make sure I am no longer forcing my forehead to the expression of worry but instead extend my muscles to a point of comfortable relaxation – and at the same time focus on seeing solutions, whenever these exist at my own reach, and if not I focus on working out the points for myself/by myself and sharing them as I am sharing here.

Sometimes I’ve gone through this ‘circular processes’ of seeing the ‘bigger’ and the ‘smaller’ within myself yet believing that ‘bah this is too complex to lay out and share’ but, it is not, writing assists a lot in grounding oneself to see ‘the light at the end of the tunnel’ specially when one becomes this tunnel-vision mode and at the same time who knows, maybe assist others to see the same or confirm the same points they’ve been aware of as well.

 

One thing is certain too and this is that there won’t be easy fixes in this world, because I’ve realized that based on the lives ‘process’ that we are all facing in this world, we are here not to be punished or just realize how enslaved we are, but we are definitely here facing and living through the manifested consequences of who we are and have become in our very own existence to THEN learn and understand how to best stand as the solution and create solutions. Therefore, it is mostly about learning, understanding ‘our creative abilities’ which means: any ‘quick fix’ to only get money and get things ‘moving fast’ toward a solution without entire awareness of HOW we came to create the mess in the first place, would almost condemn us to repeat the same mistakes, because it would prevent us from understanding the self-creation process, which means realizing how we came to ‘this point’ where we are now and so what is it within ourselves that we have to learn to do, to correct, to align in order to become an actual living being that becomes part of that which enables life and proper living. Any ‘fast tracking’ on this could be consequential at the same time, but hey again, I’m willing to be proved wrong on how certain solutions can be implemented ‘on the outside’ and invariably see this immediate understanding or alignment of individuals in their minds, their behavior to adopt living principles and never again go back to ‘the old ways.’

Therefore because of the uncanny possibility the latter represents, even if I have been there myself as the people that would want solutions ‘now, now, fast, fast!’ to relieve all the pain and the suffering in this world and to those that are in extremely dire conditions,  I see that it does require active humbleness to embrace or accept the current nature of things as our manifested creation, which doesn’t meant to be ‘complacent’ or ‘do nothing at all’ about it, nope; it means not to fight it, not to become disempowered or saddened about it, but to understand it as, yes, an outcome and result of having kept ourselves limited and fearful, instead of actually developing living skills and creative abilities, actual self-supportive creative abilities to live in supportive relationships toward ourselves and our environments and so create societies that can become a structure of support for ‘our new human kindness.’

Now this ‘embracing’ or ‘acceptance’ doesn’t mean ‘look at it positively’ or ‘it’s all going to be just fine in the end’ type of ideas either, nope, not about wishful thinking. It means recognizing it as our own extension, reflection, as our own mirror (my-error) and our own creation and in doing so, in the recognition of this ‘whole mess’ as ours own, it actually empowers us, because it means no one else did it ‘onto us’ = we are the creators of it all, therefore we are also the keys, the points of change in this reality.

 

This would be for example the actual notion of what democracy would mean from my perspective as the ‘power of the people’, where each one of us recognizes that self-responsible ability/capacity to direct, to create, to assist in planning and constructing ways and means to conduct our lives the best possible way, individually and collectively. This approach doesn’t require the current political system as it exists, because if everyone is committing to do what is best for all, then there is no need for having person x or z to ‘represent you’ in doing something one can do for oneself… would we need ‘political factions’ with conflictive interests? Would we have the nature of ‘banks’ as they are right now? Would we have the need for the current existence of governments to ‘regulate our lives’ if we truly knew how to live in a respectful and honorable manner towards ourselves, one-another, our fellow earthlings and the earth’s resources? If we were truly aware of how interdependent we all are in this world, would there be a need to create ‘special interests’ for example? And the list goes on of potential changes that can emerge if we focus on essentially becoming self-responsible individuals that are geared to understand the problems, recognize the responsibility one holds to it and immediately direct oneself to see the solutions – within and without of oneself – in this, wouldn’t it be much easier to get to agreements, decisions processes and coexisting in a mutually beneficial system if everyone was living as the actual statement of honoring our life within and without? I bet it would, absolutely it would.

So, I also commit to stop getting worried/saddened or even a bit back into the ‘old depressed self’ as I used to be when it comes to seeing this ongoing self-destruction in the world, and understand that I rather use my living breath, my awareness, my focus, my living-body to learn what it means to live, as myself, and not having this constant ‘idea’ only in my head of ‘how bad this world is doing,’ I commit myself to not participate in such emotions but rather live as the potential of creativity and personal empowerment that exists within me to focus my life and attention to that which is supportive.

I share/propagate this awareness unconditionally for anyone that may or might face a similar ‘abyssal’ experience as the one I tend to get every now and then with this ‘world view’, yet! I can also say that throughout the years these ‘episodes’ last less and less time, because the more I stand as that decision of not contributing to the ‘wallowing’ experience but instead understanding why it emerges and so with awareness deciding to stop my participation in it,  definitely becomes easier to walk through it because it then doesn’t depend on ‘the world changing’ or ‘the system changing’ out there or me voting for x or z solution or waiting for some alternative option to emerge, but instead the focus starts with and goes back to myself: who I decide to be and how I decide to live here in my life, in my body, in what I do and what I decide to focus on.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Lost in the Holy See

 

Suggested interviews:

World War YOU – Reptilians – Part 304

Self Victimization – 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Part 34

The Consciousness of the Dog – Part 2:What is the general experience within people of being alive and how does it influence your experience and perceptions of life?

 

Learn HOW to start doing this yourself :


397. Come and Stop Worrying about Money & Children with us

Commentary on the Documentary ‘Come and Worry With Us’ featuring the band ‘Thee Silver Mt. Zion’

 

 

Many times I used to say that ‘Music had saved my life,’ and I never questioned that much about the actual lives that musicians have. I probably was ‘happy’ to imagine that they made a good amount of money to be living well after having so many fans and so many shows but today I got to realize that that’s not the case and in a way it does give me yet another reason to implement a new way of living where no one should ever have to suffer, be existing in constant worry, fear and anxiety that comes from living in plain survival-mode when trying to ‘make it’ in this world in an honest manner, which is impossible in a system that is forged with the idea of success as the ultimate goal and neglecting how it currently is – most of the times – achieved only through the effective abuse and control imposed upon others, which means having to cheat, lie, deceive, be dishonest and selfish to be able to make it ‘that far’ without questioning why it is that not everyone can achieve such ‘high standards’ in the society? Why is there no real equal opportunity? why is this ‘successful living’ rather sold to us as this magnanimous lifestyle that is actually unsustainable if we all had the same ability to live in such a lavish modality – this means: it’s not meant to be part of what real life is meant to be in fact.

The documentary Come Worry With Us is an example of how one of my favorite bands actually live like in terms of ‘lifestyle’ and financial woes with the amount of money they earn, which is certainly a lot less than what I would have expected which my assumption of them being a ‘famous band’ therefore not ever having to worry about paying their bills – and here this should apply to Everyone – but this is specifically to debunk the ideas we also create around ‘the rich and the famous’ where not all ‘famous’ people really make ‘a lot of money’ as one could imagine.

Specifically here Godspeed You! Black Emperor and its offshoot Thee Silver Mount Zion are bands that I could have identified as the perfect soundtrack for everything that I could only probably only paint and try to ‘picture’ in frames: a desolate decadent world that is going down the drain, seeing nothing else but death and destruction and the perfect soundtrack for ‘the end of times,’ as well as being what can be defined as a ‘political band’ when it comes to denouncing warfare and the general deception in the political realm at the moment.  But something changed in the life of the common member of both bands Efrim Menuck: he’s got a child now and so he realized that he had to ‘stop his own cynicism’ about life/the world and himself as now there is a person he’s brought into this world that should grow up to live in a better world than the one he is currently living in. I fully agree with this, and even if I don’t have children, every time I would see pregnant women or know of children being born I would create this inner fear almost sadness for them coming to this world that we are abusing and depleting faster than it could ever ‘replenish’ itself, while doing nothing to stop the ongoing destructive trend.

Human Chains (pic) - Copy

 

 

How many times do we say: ‘we require creating a better future for our kids’? It is saddening to see every single day news and articles of the kind of atrocities that are created toward children just because parents can’t afford taking good care of them – from dumping them on the garbage, abandoning them, giving them to adoption or having to make them work too and support with paying the basic needs at home. If there’s something I could worry about this life is precisely whether the little ones will have clean water to drink, clean air to breathe, whether they will be able to run around the streets and riding bikes and going out to playgrounds… or if they are going to be genuinely supported to their utmost potential at schools, whether their parents will be stable enough to raise them – huge point of concern – whether they are going to be having healthier ways of entertaining themselves, healthier eating habits – which are taught at home/ and through culture – whether they can in fact stop copying the fears, the mentality of the parents, whether they can in any way escape the generational sins that we’ve created in absolute selfishness because we believed that ‘it wasn’t going to be us facing the consequences,’ well, here we are, look around you and within you.

 

I would certainly not want anyone to suffer in this world, yet it is all I could always notice around me, or maybe it’s because it is existent as me and in everyone else: abuse, ignorance to the reality of how we create this world based on our absence of care, of presence to direct ourselves in our lives and relate to each other in a supportive manner.

In my case, all I could ever paint was suffering and I didn’t even know why because I had a good life compared to many that really have no support in this world. I do remember a phase in my life when I was around 9-10 years old where my father had a big problem at work, someone bought a lot of merchandise from him and ran away with it using a bad check – and we were almost broke and hearing about the fact that our house, that patrimony that my father was so proud about as ‘our property’ could be lost – the sheer thought of that frightened me a lot at night, the worry, sadness and frustration from seeing my father so depressed, so down, so worried and so angry as that was the only way he could exert his inner frustration about the legal situation and never ever getting that money back. This affected us all at home and I endured what it was to conform with having the basics and learned how to not to ask for more than what I truly required.

I remember at times thinking that if I didn’t exist any longer they could save the money from my food, my healthcare, my school which was a great effort since it was a good private school, I knew they were doing the effort to secure my future, to give me the best – and I know that every single parent wants the best for their children – but most nowadays cannot afford it at all, no matter how self-willed they have: there is simply no structural support to make those at the bottom of the pyramid scheme to rise. This is structural violence and children are meant to somehow accept that they are born into poverty, that mom and dad have to work 12 hours a day considering the commuting times and so children are raised by daycare employees, by internet and television, by mass-norms at school that are designed to also make them obedient and complacent workers and get to be just like mom and dad: workaholics by necessity, not by choice – or else, there is no guaranteed survival – this is the current violence we are inherently accepting in our everyday living, threatening each other’s life – we have to also recognize we’ve done this to ourselves by leaving the system in the hands of a few.

 

Nowadays I see the direct consequences where I live of how poverty affects families in a very pervasive manner. To me this place is ‘temporary,’ but for many it is the place and environment they are born into, it is the people they will marry and have their children with and also die in until the last days knowing to do nothing else but to work, drink every weekend, have ‘parties’ and pretend that life is fine while going back every Monday to earn the bread with the sweat of their brow the rest of the week, hoping for something or someone like a president to finally change their lives.

The frustration that parents create at work which is based on the threat of losing their job/not making enough money becomes the constant experience that parents then in turn become toward their children, toward their partners and so toward the world: a survivalist mentality that cannot be stable, here, present, enjoying life because of always being tensed, worried and anxious about getting the next paycheck to pay all the bills.

 

Jessica and Efrim discussing finances

Come Worry With Us (2013)

 

We are all currently required to break our illusions behind the usual question of ‘who would you like to be when you grow up?’ and then growing up and realizing that was just a dream, a fantasy, an ideal promoted to us to keep us completely separated from acknowledging the reality: this current world-system is designed to keep dreams on heavy rotation, to keep fueling the hope, the illusions, the wishing and desiring for the most hedonist lifestyle possible, a promised reality that never seems to just manifest into reality and it won’t for sure – nor do I personally consider it should ever, unless we actually work on creating such stability for all and make it sustainable for every other living being in this planet: environment, animals, humans, everyone.

Efrim explains in the documentary how he is part of the last generation that was promised a great future and from there on, we all got the opposite. It’s true, the first year in literature school we got told we were not there to ‘be writers’ and be creative, but to learn the hard-knocks of the science of analyzing literature and how we would barely make a buck with that – in art school we got told the most debasing facts about the poverty-lifestyle one usually goes through when trying to ‘make a living as an artist’ grounding us on how we could not just expect to just ‘be famous’ and earn millions like Hirst overnight. It might seem like a cruel thing to do crushing young adults’ dreams, however it is also the stark nature of the reality we have created for each other.

From there I started questioning a lot about myself, my decision to be an artist – would I make it? What would I have to do to be as ‘big’ as x artist that I admired at the time? And I bet this goes on in the mind of every other person that is taught to aim at the highest peak in a world where the peak is already occupied and not available for everyone else.

 

Does it make sense to live this way? To know we have all of this great potential as human beings and the way we could actually change the entire nature of ourselves and our relationships with one another if we were able to provide us the guaranteed right to live in dignity, to have money to live well if you’d like to dedicate yourself to a non-lucrative profession or arts which is also not a secured ‘job position’ but is dependent on several subjectivities like being liked, being ‘good’ at the eyes of others, being able to relate well to people to make business; getting to be known and published if you are a musician or a writer, or being part of a gallery and not even that guarantees good wages any longer.

 

There is also the point of having children and how that becomes a new primary responsibility for adults where one has to choose between being a parent or being a professional, especially if one is a woman. As an artist, for example, there’s not been such great possibilities to have a breathable life in a world where no more records are being sold, where art is sold only to a few elites and that is a minority of course, where movies and music are being downloaded for free, where people cannot afford to go watch a play, concert or sometimes even go to the movies – instead, all that is promoted is more greed and illusions of power in national TV/ media at home which is still the one point that seems to define what people conceive ‘life’ to be as this idea of ‘fame and fortune’, hence the belief that every person in showbiz should do as well as people on TV – but they don’t, at least not the ones that try and make honest business.

 

 

Some of the artists I enjoy and admire in a way have been able to ‘stay true’ to themselves in a world-system where arts are also another industry and the same abusive policies apply as everywhere else. In this case, music is something that inspired me to begin questioning the system. I began painting while listening to Radiohead’s OK Computer on repeat mode and all their discography became a way to also understand the underlying suffering that I could perceive in everything and everyone but somehow wasn’t that evident to me until 11 years ago when I first began painting. Now it’s very clear to me how this change has to be implemented and I have a clarity to it, to the point where I’ve stopped painting the death and destruction on this world and instead started to investigate, educate myself and begin actively working to promote and establish solutions that not only will benefit artists of course, but that will be a living guarantee for every person that is currently unable to fend for themselves and as such have are unable to develop themselves to become the person they know they all can be. We cannot also continue having honest and principled individuals to ‘adjust’ and ‘align’ to the current skewed mentality of a dog-eat-dog world where worry, fear, stress and paranoia have become everyone’s daily chronic sickness, this is the abuse we are dictating upon each other and it makes no sense at all.

 

This is not the world I want to live in, this is not The Good Life that our parents were once able to have – and some of you younger than me reading this not that for sure – but we have to question why every year that goes by things get worse, wages don’t go up while inflation keeps going up and the majority of the wealth is stacked in the hands of the minority: this is a suicidal machine we are operating here, and we have to stop it before we all sink together in it.

 

I want the children of this world to be able to have parents that can be satisfied with what they do with their lives, that can have sufficient time at home or simply available to be with them without the stress, without the fears, without the depression, without the constant every day nagging thought of what if there is no money tomorrow that I can get today to keep feeding my family? This is the most stressful situation anyone can face: being broke, being homeless, being with exorbitant debts that are usually now even transferred from parents onto children to ensure that one can ‘own’ something in this world, yet this world as the Earth itself didn’t come with such instructions of ‘how to use it’: we created them but so we also live the problem, so we have to understand it and be able to create and propose solutions, which is what we should all focus on if we really want to keep having our joys in life, such as music for example in my case.

9. Seykingumu

 

So, the least I can do to honor myself and those human beings that also see the necessity for change, that collaborate with creating awareness in their own ways such as with art and music and genuinely consider that we can all work together and make things work for everyone, is to dedicate myself and my life to promote the consideration and necessity that we have toward each other, the good life that I would like to give to those that have nurtured me either physically or as a living being in my ability to be inspired and influenced by people that were able to tell me through their words, their musical expression about everything that was wrong in this world, so that I could grow up to take the staff and be that person that they can also get inspiration from: becoming an individual that can promote and present solutions, because we’re all just too fed up to hear about the same problems and complains instead of realizing that through understanding the problem, we can and become aware of how we can make things work for everyone.

And for artists who I see are quite a lot within the realm of social-change and activism, thank you for your inspiration as well because sometimes one can get ‘lost’ in a sea of carelessness and hopelessness about being able to genuinely do any meaningful change in this world, but through our very own words, through the way we live and create, how we interact with others we can become the point of change that many others can then refer to as the proof of how we can direct our lives to a best for all outcome, which also determines how we live and interact with one another.

This principle of giving to others as I would like to receive begins within us, so let’s give the best we would want for ourselves to each other and through doing that, learning how to honor and truly appreciate our lives, instead of living as enemies in a chronic state of war.

 

Time to ‘be the change we want to see in this world’ for sure, but this will also only be fully possible when people are no longer strapped to their working chairs and fearing not having money the next day, therefore support the Living Income Guaranteed, to provide a guaranteed access to living needs when having no means to get an income, get higher wages in your current job/occupation and never again be ashamed of having to take this support as it is and will be our sheer right to life, to stop the paranoia, the fear and the self-abuse that comes when living in survival mode – we can do much better than this.

We are yet to discover who we all can be and become once that we step outside of the current divide and conquered set-up world-system we have (negligibly) created. It’s about time we join our creative efforts upon that which will ensure each other’s ability to create without worrying about money again, which tampers our creative potential.

 

Happiness does not exist yet, we have to construct it.

 

 

Living Principles

 

Suggested read for an in-depth review of the documentary:

 


294. I Want Change and I Want it Now

Impatience is what we experience when we have only regarded what ‘We Want to get’ in our usual ‘quantum time’ that we’ve become so used to in our world where money-magic wand can make all miracles happen at the flick of our wrist, and that’s a rather individualistic perspective considering the amount of time we’ve spent openly and carelessly abusing ourselves/each other nature, animals for the sake of building our drive-thru lifestyle that we’re all living in at the moment.

 

One thing we have realized within walking our individual process is that it takes definitive continued action to stand within the decision to change, if we don’t live it, it’s useless – and the reason why it is a physical process is because we require to literally change the habits, the patterns, the ways of living that we have creating hence the impatience to change comes from the same patterns we’ve adopted wherein money has imprinted this ‘surreal reality’ upon physical reality. Have a look at how we are so used to go and buy a certain product in the shop without Any awareness of the amount of time, labor, processes, transportation, distribution that such product went through, which implies that we’ve become used to quantum consumption being absolutely separated from the product in itself which is in essence a piece of the Earth that contains multiple processes in order to become our ‘one item’ that we simply pay for at the counter. 

 

Hence, to undo this massive quantum-leap that has lead to massive destruction and abuse, we have to realize that it will be a very slow process, and that patience is what we require to live as ourselves along with a diligent decision to live such change within ourselves. How? Beginning with stopping desiring change in an immediate manner and ‘making peace’ with the fact that: this is and will be a very slow process. Therefore, it is to also realize that change at ‘quantum speed’ is then only a mind-driven process where there’s no consideration for all these afore mentioned physical processes that we’ve ignored when consuming something, we simply take it, use it, dispose it – therefore, walking the reversed engineering of this massive fast-food lifestyle we’ve embodied with McDonald’s solutions, we will require to go one by one becoming aware of the problem and as such establishing the necessary solutions.

 

Now, the point here is not advocating for us to suffer for a prolonged amount of time, but it is just to realize that we have to ensure that we do things properly this time and that we cannot afford to rush change without understanding how we’ve created our consequence based on having neglected our sustain-ability and conviviality with all other life forms in this biosphere, I mean,  what would be the point of placing and implementing an equality system overnight if we haven’t yet realized our own responsibility and understood our individual participation within it? We would end up being less likely to realize where we fucked up in the first place, which is our ‘lesson to be learned,’ not to remain as culprits but to stand as self responsible within it.

 

Another perspective of how we’ve lived impatience is looking at how this fast-lane experience may drive a person to hire 100 employees paying them cents of dollar an hour in third world countries to sew the most clothes in the fastest manner, getting the most profit out of it and rejoicing in the ‘effectiveness’ of the business, where all that matters are numbers, profit, money, power caused by greed, a few people’s well being – and in this, the lives of such women and men –sometimes even children- what they are able to actually afford with such money, their physical conditions, their health, their mind experience while doing such mechanical enslaving jobs is absolutely Not taken into consideration: all that matters is build, build, build, produce, produce, produce, hurry, hurry, hurry,  sell, sell, profit, profit, profit – repeat. This is just an example to see where we stand within this chain-of-consumption wherein we are the only species that have broken the natural cycles of  consumption and regeneration that the ecosystems have, and all because we could not wait that much to get the next set of fish to sell. Our impatience has lead to continue scavenging without a thought other than satisfying our acquired needs in the fastest possible way.

 

The current problem we’re facing has been developed throughout time without any inkling of consideration or awareness to realize what is it that we were turning into a good, a service, a commodity = it was life all the way and now we want ‘change’ and we want it now – it is certainly not possible, nor would it be beneficial for humanity either because even when facing the current consequences, there’s a vast majority that simply do not care at all to think for a moment about their lives and what they are actually living off and for, and that’s quite a mind-crisis that is existing as the massive forces that are making this entire machinery just continue self-indulging wherein, maybe, they are also aware that things are not precisely working for everyone, but no one is taking the initiative to do something about it, and that’s the problem, because we then rode in complacency to get ourselves to this current problem we’re in, only hoping and believing that the aftermath would not affect us in our lifetime, but that is rather inevitable at this stage, since we have postponed our Time to Change for so long. And of course we ‘re all included on that same boat.

 

We have often said: we don’t require to get to the bottom of the pit and seeing everything lost to stand up and realize that we all have to collectively support this change, however only a few are listening and that’s the main reason why this process is quite slow yet with a certain outcome.

At a personal level, I am not doing this because I am expecting to be readily benefited by establishing a new system, If I do, then that would be a ‘gift,’ but it’s not my aim or goal, it is instead an understanding of the responsibility we hold toward one another and this world-system as our creation, nothing more and nothing less. This is thus a process we decide to walk as a matter of principle, because we see it makes sense to establish Equality as the foundation of our way of living and interacting with one another, because we see the potential of world change if we all get to the same agreement. And this is thus at the stage we’re at.

 

Of course, the conditions and situations that may escalate might lead us to prompt solutions, however this is in all cases also something that will have to be known by a majority and a majority that is willing to act through working together, placing aside any personal/selfish interests and consider that our survival depends on the collective effort we join toward the same outcome, which is how it always should have been. 

 

We might see this as a slow process when we’ve spent thousands of years crafting this perfect bubble of enslavement without a care.  So, I suggest to reconsider the approach of wanting to speed up this process and wanting to see the world changed – because mostly these type of express-changes lead to armed revolutions that force change through violent means and instigate further clashing and collapsing of the system through ways that usually generate more harm and abuse on the way.

 

What really matters is us realizing/ understanding Self Responsibility and learn how to stand in agreements to support each other and do what’s best for all as a matter of principle, not so much from the vantage point of wanting to have it done now, but instead realizing that if we had in any way the magic wand to quantum-solve this problem and we would have ‘known better,’ we would not be at this world stage at the moment. Therefore Patience is developed breath by breath, moment by moment with the firm decision of getting this done, no matter how long it takes, being certain about living as the solution, and that’s our individual responsibility.

 

Here some quotes from past writings on Patience:

 

Patience sounds like ‘pace’ – I have defined physical pace as the point of self-direction in every moment that I allow myself to breathe, here, stable, constant and consistently wherein space and time is considered, wherein I am no longer existing as the rush of the mind, trying to perpetuate an idea of having to ‘do everything as fast as possible’ and recharging the self-belief and self-definition of competing against time, against myself, against others within the perception that I must always be on the top of the spear.

Patience is then allowing myself to equalize myself as the physical, as breath wherein I stop any rush of the mind to ‘get things done’ in separation of the moment that I am here, practically and physically doing it, directing myself within it/ as it- instead of projecting/ ejecting myself as a lightning bolt into the future wherein I ‘win’ and I then add it to the self-kept score of lifetime achievements.

 

Hence the process here is to get ourselves back to ourselves to stand one and equal with no dimensional shifts of delusions like ‘having to be there’ and ‘attaining’ something, but walking self-equality and oneness within the ability to stand one and equal as the points that I see are supportive for me to accept and live within the consideration of self-creation in every moment that I live Patience as physically breathing and walking every moment here, remaining within the consideration of space and time reality to live the process of self-correction in every moment as breath, as the physical – instead of projecting it as an idea in my own mind that ‘must be done’ but simply live it.

2012 Sculpting in Time: Patience

 

Further Support:

 

 

Related Blogs:

 

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Interview:


185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

For further support:

Desteni 

Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process

 

Time is ticking out

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews out of the Eqafe oven:


124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
Bernard Poolman 

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

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