Tag Archives: writers

181. Waiting for the Ideal Moment to Write

Another point is how I have seen how I have this idea that If I am working on something, I have to ‘shut down’ from anything else in order to just focus on this one single task to complete, no matter how long it takes – which is an aspect of my personality linked to being rather extremist when I commit myself to do something, and within this leaving behind/ not giving attention/ not maintaining the rest of my activities with proper attention. Somehow it is as if I want to ‘redeem’ myself, my initial procrastination and getting it done all the way, in one go – which is once again based on a consideration of the mind in me wanting to ‘make up for it’ instead of simply continuing to now do it on a regular basis.

This, as ‘seemingly unimportant’ as it might be, it actually constitutes one of the most used excuses and justifications to not work on this, because in my mind I have made this idea or belief that I must simply get it done in one go and not having to do ‘anything else BUT the task at hand’ – wherein things like ‘oh I won’t have time to eat’ and wanting to shut down any form of communication with others as if this was a distraction emerge, thus it is a recurrent thinking process wherein I hold this ‘ideal’ of having the time and disposition to do so. By ‘time’ I mean having an entire day or more of just having to focus on that, not having to do any other point of responsibility and essentially it’s like being secluded in order to ‘get it done,’ which is of course extremist and in separation of reality wherein if my body would for example make such drastic decisions such as ‘not wanting to digest my food for one day,’ I could have gotten ill or even died for that. Therefore, it is a mind-delusional requirement and almost a requisite that I’ve created as part of linking this particular writing to some ‘book writing’ and ‘being a writer’ as the ideal of not having to do Anything else but writing.

This is backchat that I mostly play out in a self-accepted manner in both ways: the ‘negative’ and the ‘positive’, meaning, that I’ve made it alright to simply drop a particular task for undefined amount of time and/ or go to the extreme of wanting to JUST dedicate myself absolutely and completely to that one single task to ‘get it done’ and forget about everything else, wherein I then create an experience of seeing ‘everything else’ as a nuisance and an obstacle to ‘achieve my aim’ – even within the wording we can see how there’s an energetic drive to it, wherein I am not really considering the process of writing myself as a self-supportive process, but mostly only following my own needs in relation to trying to ‘make up for it’ as the amount of time I did not regularly spent working on it – regularly being the solution here – and instead, go into the extreme of wanting to get it done as fast as possible.

However, the ‘thing’ that happens is that I end up only seeking for this ‘one whole day that I can dedicate myself to it to get it done’ and eventually not get to ‘that whole day’ as I have obviously several points to attend as my responsibility throughout the day.

The picture that came to mind is from that movie ‘the Hours’ and how the character of Virginia Wolf would spend her days in her room writing and not really having to attend anything else – or so I got that ‘idea’ from the movie of course – I remember my backchat within that was ‘How cool! She only has to focus on writing and have her cool time to go out for a walk (read the blog: 175. My Sacred Time of the Day) and just write and write and write’ awesome, I want to be like that! And so within this, I created this belief ever since then that, in order for me to focus on some ‘writing project’ I basically require the life of a ‘writer’ as I used to read about the lives of all these writers that I admired and how they would wake up really early to write and then follow throughout their day doing the same. So all of these and many more are background conditions, not to mention the ‘inspiration’ that I thought was required to write as well. So we can call these the ‘ideals for perfect writing time’ which are based on other people’s lives and conditions within what I have judged as an ‘easy life’ of simply having to indulge in writings and seemingly having others doing their responsibilities at hand, such as taking care of the house, making money or even taking care of children.

So, here I have the ‘ideal’ aspect which can form part of the imagination, however it is not that it comes up as an entire play out in itself, but more of a belief of how the external and internal conditions must be in order to write.

Self Forgiveness on the Fantasy that I’ve held as the Ideal Imaginary moment to write:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I have to shut down from anything else in order to focus on this one single task to complete it, no matter how long it takes’ wherein I am seeking to have this one ‘empty-tasked’ day to do this, and every time that I have made it as a point to myself to do it in this or that day, I end up postponing simply because I cannot simply ‘unplug’ myself from my reality in order to have this ‘extended period of time’ to just focus on this. I realize that in my desire to fulfill and make up for the time that I did not regularly work on this document, I then go into the extreme of wanting to ‘solve it at once,’ without realizing that this is mostly impossible since everything requires a process and my exigencies of wanting to redeem myself toward this task will most certainly not be able to be fulfilled as easy as just wanting to have it done/ complete in one go – thus

When and as I see myself seeking and ‘looking forward’ for the next weekend to have an entire day wherein I can work on my document, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am actually limiting my ability to work on the document for a fixed amount of time/ hours a day, instead of wanting to do it in one go as per mind’s exigencies and instead , proceed to work on it regularly for hours a day in order to realize that this is and will be part of the daily tasks and process that will be required until it is done – thus,

I commit myself to stop looking for an ‘empty task day’ to work on this document, as I realize that there are no such days and that I can simply direct myself to fix the hours of the day in order to work with this and within that, making it part of the daily habits that I must work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this point ‘more’ than any other point in my every day living, wherein within this experience toward the document as it being ‘more’ than any other writing or task I have to do, I in fact ensue the separation toward actually doing it, because of believing that I require a lot of time and the proper ‘setting’ to do it, the proper ‘momentum’ which is nothing else but a mind-generated drive toward the tasks that I have at hand.

When and as I see myself going to extremes of thinking ‘Oh I won’t have time to eat today, I cannot keep myself in communication with others because they are a distraction’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that these statements and others indicating ‘stopping doing something else because of seeing it as a waste of time’ is only based on me now wanting to redeem myself, as ‘my time’ dedicated to this task that I simply put aside for a long period of time. Thus

I commit myself to not try and ‘make up for’ the time I didn’t work on something – I face the consequences within the realization that it will take the necessary time and process to get it done, while combining it with my every day tasks and responsibilities as I see and realize that the ‘ideal’ of wanting to have an entire day ‘just for that’ is simply not possible and within holding this ‘ideal’ I have mostly created my own obstacles in my mind – thus I assist and support myself to distribute my time in order to dedicate hours a day to this document and realize that I don’t have to ‘aim’ to complete it in one go, as that would be only wanting to keep myself in a positive-experience of ‘having done it,’ instead of walking the process of doing it just as any other task/ point in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having the life of ‘a writer’ wherein I had actually ‘dreamed’ and ‘fantasized’ quite a lot about being a writer and having a specific setting to ‘write’ and within this particular setting as a comfortable environment to write, I envisioned that I would require to be near nature and having no noise around me, having someone else cooking for me and doing my basic responsibilities and me simply being there, drinking coffee and writing and going for strolls around my own garden – lol – as I see and realize that even if this was a ‘made up illusion’ obviously, I do consider the point and aspect of having ‘no noise around’ as the ideal point that I have to Have in order to be able to ‘concentrate’/ focus on this task, which is why the least ‘noise’ is rather an excuse to postpone it and also because of not precisely living in ‘the country side’ but in a constantly noisy neighborhood in the city – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to have this ‘perfect picture’ of the ideal moment, ideal place and conditions to write such as being near nature, having no noise around, having someone else doing my responsibilities, having a garden/ nature to walk around on, drinking lots of coffee and essentially having a picture-perfect room/ setting in order to write and be ‘comfortable’ within writing a particularly ‘long’ document –I stop and I breathe – I realize that these imagination pictures that I have created are based on a movie, and are based on my ‘ideals’ that in no way have a correlation to physical reality, as we all require food to eat, money to earn, relationships to attend and a world to be aware of essentially in order for that writing to be in itself even a writing, as what else could we write about if it wasn’t about our experiences and realizations within the ‘real world’ which is not always quiet, wherein one does not always live in a perfect country side, nor has someone else to pay for in order to do one’s responsibilities –thus, I stop participating within these ideals that only become a rather absurd obstacle for me to not write, as I see and realize that these conditions and ‘terms’ that I have created in order to feel ‘absolutely at ease’ to be writing this particular document, implies that I have made of this document something ‘more’ than myself and any other task and that I have created this belief that it must be ‘perfect’ and as such be written within a ‘perfect’ moment/ environment – thus

I commit myself to stop creating the beliefs that I must be in and require specific settings and inspiration in order to write, as I realize that these are just mind exigencies that I have created in my mind, which have become excuses to not get to a certain task simply because I would rather ‘wait’ for that perfect moment and setting wherein all is apparently ‘done and fine’ and so ‘I can write till I drop,’ which is obviously not realistic at all.

I commit myself to stop making an imagination point an excuse and justification for me to not work on something within the expectation of having possibly ‘in the future’ a ‘perfect moment’ to write, which doesn’t exist as I am actually able and capable of simply deciding to work on something and that is it, the work and written document is not dependent on a feeling, or an experience of ‘inspiration’ which is part of the mindfuckism that comes when thinking about writing a document that is not precisely self forgiveness or writing myself. I stop separating one writing as being more/ less than the other and focus on simply doing it.

 

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97. Words as Elitism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the way words can be arranged to express as ‘more’ or ‘less’ than myself according to aesthetic values according to how many evocations do I get when reading words, wherein I became used to valuing words as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ according to the type of pictures and experiences I was able to create within myself when reading them, within this using words in self-interest only, seeking to satisfy a aesthetical aspect of communication wherein no living principle was existent, but only using words as a means to entertain myself and get a sense of pleasure from reading what I defined as ‘well-written expression,’ never ever considering how words themselves were already an imposition upon life and that with me creating an experience of language and the written word itself, I separated myself even further from the words as myself through creating experiences through words, wherein words then became the way for me to live through the words/ eyes of others as authors, just because I was not willing to live my own life and as such, becoming a book worm wherein I knew that I would not have to face the world and create relationships with other human beings, but create my own ‘living’ through reading stories to entertain myself with, forgetting about reality in its totality in a deliberate manner.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to praise literature as something ‘magnificent’ just because of the experiences I was able to obtain from words in my mind, without realizing that in no way has any book supported humanity to actually start taking into consideration how words themselves have been used as a means to distract ourselves from living, from realizing how we are the very creators of a world and reality wherein a minority is having the ability to Read words, to get education to be able to read and even more so, have money to later on buy books/ written words as a means of entertainment or so-called ‘education,’ without ever even caring to first ensure that every human being could have access to proper food, water, shelter and a dignified living – including education – and then focus on developing ‘culture’ such as books and all forms of entertainment and ‘education.’ Instead we simply made ourselves believe that we were in fact able to ‘evolve’ as species with our intellectual realms of books and science and culture within the elite reality of one third of the world only, while the rest as the 2/3 were deliberately ostracized and minimized into a reality of poverty and absolute lack, where a book would mean fuel for a fire due to lacking any proper services to live. Within this, realizing to what extent when being brought up in a particular cultural context within the world system of money, we do not even question how it is that ‘our culture’ is based on money and how the very use of words and appreciation thereof is an elitist activity that is in fact a smack on the face of those that have no money to live, which means they have no education to ‘indulge’ into the ‘joy of words’ that I would solace myself with as a means to only cult.ivate my own self interest of ‘culture’ and ‘intellectualism’ that I was aiming at becoming, remaining behind a bunch of pages for extended period of time just because of not wanting to actually get out into the world and dare to see the reality that we are busy destroying due to this extreme egotistical versions of ourselves wherein we do not give a damn about one another, but only seek to live the most comfortable hedonist lifestyle at the expense of those that must work as slaves for us to have such comfort.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately praise people that would write in what I would define as a ‘gifted manner,’ without even questioning what the hell I was imprinting into myself through reading stories for my own pleasure and satisfaction, never realizing how these same words were being used to create laws and regulations that have denied the most basic human rights to living beings – within this never pondering how my apparent ‘love for words’ was in fact sheer self interest and self-indulgence within a small bubble of ‘human creativity’ that used words for mental masturbation, without seeing how the very system we live in is separated by god, the words we speak and as such we have attempted and tried to play god through sentencing ourselves in ways wherein some can have ‘the power’ over others, where only a minority can use words as way to sentence life or death through our constitutions, laws and policies that we have simply neglected to become aware of, simply because that would imply having to realize that we have all been equal participants in this world as it is, and that it is in our deliberate ignorance and disregard for politics as the judicial and legal systems as well as economics that we have instead opted for the ‘friendly’ use of words such as for books as literature, entertainment and even so-called education that was only directed to perpetuate the same ways of a system that has never valued life – hence words have only been used as a means to exert power and control over life, never ever supporting who we really are as an actual means to communicate and ensure living-conditions for one another, because words are also currency.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the parasitical side of the system wherein through and by me having money at this very moment makes me part of the evil of humanity that has rejoiced and even having the luxury of deciding in what ways I can use words to suit me, to make myself more ‘knowledgeable’ and ‘special,’ without even pondering if such ability is available for al as equal as one – and within this, not having realize how that which is simply ‘common’ for me such as having a computer to be able to type, having the education to be able to write and read, having had the luxury of knowing a second language in a written and spoken manner are all indicators that I have simply been part of the minority in a world that praises knowledge and information as ‘more than’ ourselves, wherein I myself also sought to be part of the ones that could praise each other according to ‘how well’ or how ‘articulate’ we could be, without ever really delving into the question: What are these words in fact implying upon reality? What am I really experiencing when and as I read words that are ‘well written’ according to the standards that I have trained myself to conceive? Is what matters really the way that words are written or is it what they are SAYING as an actual expression of self? Yet because all I knew was of myself being a mind that would enjoy emotional and feeling experiences, everything I could read that would stimulate this preference/ like would become part of my reality as an ‘acceptable’ and ‘higher form of entertainment,’ taking pride in the so-called culture we get from books, without realizing what is behind this very ability to ‘cultivate’ myself while others in the same world have no ability to read or write, nor even eat.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever question the pleasure and enjoyment I get from reading words wherein it is not about the words themselves, but about who I am toward particular words that become particular characters that I am ‘fond of,’ which is a way that I would always indicate that I idolized a particular writer/ lyricist whose words I could use to create my own mind experiences as a means of entertainment, diverting myself from my own living reality and experience, and getting used to entertaining myself with words and words and words as a deliberate way to escape from the world behind pages, and having this as something ‘acceptable’ just because it is culturally praised to be a ‘book worm’ as someone ‘intellectual’ which is once again, placing more value onto knowledge and information that exists as a very tool of separation which is how words are currently existing in our reality.

 

When and as I see myself getting an experience of pleasure and satisfaction as a positive energy experience from reading words, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this can only be possible because I have money and I learned how to read, I had enough experiences – bought with money as well – that I could imprint as memories within me from where I could create a point of fulfillment and satisfaction that I then associated with particular words, to later on being able to read such words again to re-live that positive experience that I would get from words in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself praising knowledge and information in the form of books, intellectuals, written words that evoke a sense of fulfillment and perceiving them as ‘more’ than myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had been easily drawn to expression in itself as a way to satisfy my ideals of perfection and ‘self improvement’ based on the ability and skills to use language as a way to make myself special or distinct, without even ever considering how this is just an elitist hobby that is in no way equally existent for all beings in this world.

 

Hence I commit myself to re-establish words as tools to create and direct ourselves in every moment as the expression of self-correction at the moment, wherein Words as Self-Forgiveness become the keys of ‘like cures like’ wherein if our words have been the very imposition toward our reality as a means to have ‘control’ and ‘power’ over it, we make of words our tools to give ourselves back to ourselves and equalize such words as who we really are as an expression of life, wherein no specialness and no discrimination is able to exist ever again by the same ‘power of words.’

 

I commit myself to become part of the people that will educate oneself and others to stand in an equal position of understanding words as ourselves, as I can then direct this that once was my ‘passion’ as words to equalize the understanding of myself as one and equal as who and what we really are as words that can reconstitute and for the first time establish a living principle on Earth in all ways, which is Equality as Life.

 

This thus implies that I walk my own process of Self-Creation as words that are able to be directed in a way that we can all equally convey our expression of oneness and equality through a process of first, walking our own mind as the realization of who and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become through the separation of words as ourselves, to then walk the process of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Self-Reflection and Self-Corrective Application in order to construct life as ourselves as the very words we decide to live and the words that we decide that we will no longer keep as they only stood as a form of separation from self here as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System wherein education will be founded upon the principle of Life in Equality, wherein words become the primary tool to show and demonstrate our equality and oneness and the responsibility each one of us holds with how we use words, to ensure that we are all equal participants standing in equal understanding of how reality works, of how our minds works and how we sentence/ create ourselves as the very words we speak.

 

I commit myself to become aware of every single words that I write or say as a means to express the corrective process I am walking here and as such, ensure that I correct my expression into equalization as life in every moment of breath that I am able to give myself to practically become aware of who I am as every moment of expression here.

 

I commit myself to use words as a means to take responsibility for what I create as words and humble myself through walking a process of Self-Forgiveness for I see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as the very existence of words in separation of ourselves as life.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that those Promoting Understanding of the MIND, have NO Clue how in Fact Functions – Step by Step – and that One Should Only Participate in any Process where you Will Become the ONE that Understands in Detail How you Created yourself in Every Way, as is Taught in the Desteni I Process.” – Bernard Poolman *

 

 

For more support to understand who and what we are as words, visit Desteni and the Desteni Forum

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Interviews:

Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 1) – Part 70
Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 2) – Part 71
The Soul of Money – How Illusion became Reality – Part 27

 


96. Words that maketh murder

The moment we value knowledge and information and its expression as more than ourselves, we are enslaving ourselves even further from what we have accepted and allowed as separation existing in the form of language itself.

 

One of the points I had valued as ‘more than myself’ is the ability people have to express themselves, within that comparing my own ability to express toward others, without ever really stopping for a moment to realize: how can I praise an ‘ornamented’ way of writing without looking at the actual content thereof? Meaning, what do the words in fact mean? which is what is relevant at all times when working with words, it’s not about ‘sounding good’ and such ability will certainly be an inherent process related to being able to express words as self-here –

 

Therefore, it’s plain to see how we tend to glorify, for example, these ‘great writers’ that in essence paint a perfect picture that we complete in our minds and as such, end up believing that they are ‘valuable/ worthy’ for the quality of pictures we are able to imagine of ourselves in our minds, just for the sake of it. While at the same time, the same words can be sentencing an entire country to remain in perpetual poverty – we cannot dissociate the fact that words as imposed values onto reality is then linked to money itself – as this is about numbers and symbols that we have created relationships toward in separation of who we are as one and equal.

 

The moment that we place value on the point of expression in separation of ourselves = we are being victims of our won beauty schemes toward words. I am speaking obviously form my experience wherein I would ‘fall in love’ with books just because of the nice picture that I could get from reading them – a book worm as an imagination addict that would devour the words in order to remain in my little comfortable bubble of la-la-land. While at the same time, in the same world and reality, words were used to declare war toward an entire nation, words were being used to threaten someone to death, words were used to create a ‘burning memory’ within someone for the rest of their lives, words were being used to sentence someone to die in poverty as laws and regulations that dictate who lives and who dies. Words that maketh murder

 

I am grateful for having the ability to listen the origins of language and, I have been able to ratify that which I had realized about words, only to now realize the importance of redefining our words to a best for all – equal and one consideration at all times of who/ what we are as such words. It is impossible to even try and ‘stop wars’ if the very words that lead to create it are not understood as the very acceptance and allowance of self-separation that leads to such conflicts that eventually become a consequential outflow as wars and chronic conflicts linked to a system that we have accepted and allowed to be ‘more’ than ourselves.

 

Equalizing ourselves as words is a vital point here – more than ever these two interviews that I suggest listening to

have clarified for myself that point of imposition we have essentially violated ourselves with, words that we have accepted as the way to define a point of obvious abuse, neglect, disregard and condition of separation toward one another wherein we only focused on ‘how we feel’ instead of who we are AS such experience or definition that can be formulated as words – and as such, be able to recognize the ways we have created a ‘world’ in separation of who we are as one an equal.

The very first moment that we accept the association of a part of reality toward a word and we file it in our archive of ‘values’ as meanings/ knowledge and information categorization = mind controlled is exerted. Thus, we have to grasp the importance of the process we are walking here which is essentially facing ourselves as our words, as our sentences, our judgments, our dictation as the dictatorship of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind. Unacceptable – this world is the proof of the dictatorship of the zombie-words, the dead-words we have become because of  simply having copied them and ‘lived them out’ in means of survival. Let’s face the truth: we did not know any other way, however that does not mean in any way that there is ‘no other way either,’ and at Desteni we are revealing and proving to ourselves there IS definitely a way to do this. If one man could, we all can.

 

Just by looking at one single word, we can get a glimpse of what we are accepting and allowing ourselves to exist as. It is our decision: do we remain as characters copying characters on flat screens and buying all the accessories to embody the ‘picture perfect HDMI presentation or do we dare to step out of this virtual insanity?

The sanity comes when we stop relating to each other as characters, as pictures, as memories – that’s the ‘real freedom’ and it’s fascinating that freedom is sought ‘outside’ of self when the keys are held by each one to finally heal that in-jury of the past as judges of the whole. The reign is over, it is our duty and responsibility for we cannot possibly remain being enslaved to our own dictation.

 

No wonder the word ‘word’ is almost identical to ‘world’ as each word contains a part of ourselves we have separated ourselves to from the whole = it is our duty to purify our vocabulary and this can only be done through walking the basic process that enables such understanding to be acquired with proper assistance and that’s the Desteni I Process. There is no doubt that we have to do this process with the tools and support that is being provided by and as Desteni – it is the only way that education – the real education – is taking place on Earth.

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This is a continuation to:

Day 61: Anxiety Character


Creative Writing: Morning in a Process of Self-Honesty World

 

You take a cab to go to work. You see how the usual stress of the city is now surrounded by a strange atmosphere of passivity wherein you can only hear a car horn here and there, like asphyxiated claims that are immediately self forgiven, the drivers have finally understood that causing noise only makes things worse. You put your hand on your mouth as you recall that you’d usually lit a cigarette in moments of distress like this. You rather breathe through the cravings and stop the usual complains to get one right away.

 

This time you decide to strike a little conversation with the driver while daring to ask directly ‘what are you working with’ and interjecting onto his personal process and his latest realizations within his writings. The Taxi driver shows you how he uses his cell phone to take notes and writes further notes on a notebook that his wife gave to him the day that their divorce was self-forgiven, they decided to rather work with themselves instead of bombarding each other with guilt and projected blame.  There’s a picture of his family on the cover of the handmade notebook that he places back beneath his seat as he grins with a sense of satisfaction about his reconciliation. And you can’t help but see how you experience a warm fuzzy desire to have such a ‘happy family’ as well – but you understand that you haven’t even gotten yourself out of the daily misuse of your mind while continuing indulging in fantasies, eternal self-loathing backchat that you project onto your boss while seeking for the next great ‘hype’ to come into your life in the shape of two perfect legs on high-heels.

 

You breathe to step out of the daydream and in that moment, you expose the actual experience you just created within your mind to the taxi driver, and you dare to express out loud: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having such a family, without realizing that this is stemming from my inability to first focus on my own self-agreement wherein I must first stop any desire to create a relationships with another being if I haven’t yet sorted out my self-relationship first.  Taxi driver smiles back at you through the rearview mirror and you go into yet another experience thinking ‘Is he mocking me?‘ However he knows that you thought that, and clarifies ‘I am grinning at the bogey hanging from your left nostril, actually’ – and so you suddenly nervously rush to pick it up with the piece of napkin you are always obsessively clinging on to in your left hand, somehow you always fear this happens to you, never realizing how you created such fear in the first place. You feel like someone’s got control over the situation, then realize it’s your own control issues in the desire to be perfect all the time that keep you bound to these nonsensical inner conversations – step out of it because you see that you’ve arrived to your work place. You let him know that you’ve arrived while still feeling the blush cooling down as you rush to step out of the cab. Breathe, you’re only a few steps away from the place – no need to rush.

 

Workplace: 17th floor tower in the upper east side of the city. You make the religious stop to the only ‘decent’ coffee shop there is available across the street. You glance at a woman that has decidedly made you realize that she is watching you as you pick up pace and enter with a sense of flair to the coffee shop after her.  She breaks the spell by turning back and saying: ‘I’m not flirting with you, if that’s what you thought, I am actually working through these obsessive patterns I’ve developed to always flirt with strangers – I apologize… I’m working with it’ – She seemed rather honest about her words, she only smirked twice at you in a condescending way while saying that – that’s fair. You strain your face in means of regret for it all being yet another trick in your mind to have you react without being actually Here while doing so. You remember how it was a lot ‘easier’ to create these type of random fantasies with strangers when you didn’t have to be self honest about your imagination and inner experiences in the moment; you know that such ‘randomness’ would serve as a trigger point to your daily – and obsessive – masturbation habit. Yes, you’ve had to work with it to see how all your frustration and apparent inability to cope with stress is actually thoughts that you can work with, instead of trying to clear the entire build up through a little stroke of luck to then fall into the same pit of stagnation within your own mind.

 

In that moment you bring yourself back here to realize that you froze for a moment as it is still a bit ‘unusual’ to get such frankness from any given stranger at a coffee shop.

 

You go to the counter and look up to see the menu wherein you allow yourself to always ‘ponder’ what you want, yet always choosing the exact same drink. This time you explore something else other than the regular triple espresso with a full milk shot. As you wait for the cashier to come back to the front, you read the ‘Self Forgiveness of the day’ on the blackboard along with the special mixes of the day, and realize that it is way better than reading phony ‘have a good day’ wishes or fortune cookies for that matter– this time it is actually something that relates to you: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so irritated at the sight of a self-honest world, because I still want my ability to throw tantrums and be constantly mad at everyone – you read the tags on the electronic board that is making sure people get to read the same statement in coffee shops around the world – just as you are – and share their own insights about it.

 

The cashier gets back to the counter. You ask for your next big hit, a dark roast Italian with a bit of milk because you have come to the conclusion that you must stop being an addict to overloaded coffee and sugar. You stare at the cashier as you hand him your card while asking if there is something going on today? He takes a deep breath in the moment, looks up as to recover the sense that he’s ‘here’ and working and shares how he’s just having a rough time having to let go of the death of his father. He then proceeds to forgive himself for having accepted and allowed himself to be so stressed out and rather concerned about his mother now being alone and having no place to stay now that the pension is gone. You look at him in the eyes and let him know that for now, there are no risks to take, that if he doesn’t have enough money he must take his mother to a social security retirement house until we are able to establish an Equal Money System wherein no worries about money will ever create such distress within him or his mother. e He seems to find some clarity and comfort with your words, he understands that the events we are facing are the outflows of having lived entire cycles as humanity in absolute oblivion of what life is, and placing unbearable price tags on it.

He apologizes for the entire ‘stressfully awkward moment,’ however you realize that he could have been you, in the exact same position, actually it is you in fact – you let him know that it is cool that he opened up right there in the moment and forgave himself, for that is the only way to take responsibility for our own shit and not allow such mental storms to tamper our effectiveness during our everyday work, but instead focusing on how to stop all reactions. You are even amazed at how you were able to pull out such an eloquent stream of words that were actually supportive for another. He seemed to be more stable as he goes to the back to prepare your drink.

 

 

You turn around and look at the people in a regular every-day morning coffee session with work colleagues, sharing their tablets filled with self forgiveness statements that each one reads as if it was Every day’s Times paper – at least there’s no more ‘opening bell’ to praise and pray to for better days. Somehow you still see yourself out of that loop, you still fear to open up about the gnawing insecurity you experience every time you have to speak in public, or even when having to present your latest project to a boss that is sorting out his anger management issues and using you as a testing ground for it. You see the ridiculousness of having to increment your confidence as you speak to him, because of the fact that there is no one you have to ‘convince’ or blackmail here as people are now considering investing in projects that are sustainable and long-term solutions for the betterment of humanity. Yes, dealing with engineering water purifying plants was so extensively disregarded and deliberately neglected in the past that you still wonder how you made it into a future where these projects started getting more attention and budget, of course. You then see how futile it is to be stressed about it as you’ve got a monthly income grant which keeps you and everyone else off the old surviving-payroll. You breathe as you take your freshly brewed Italian cappuccino and decide to mingle around others and decide to strike a conversation now that you don’t have to be at 9 am sharp at work, but can take a moment to enjoy the coffee without death-threatening consequences.

 

You decide to talk to the Self-Forgiving flirtatious woman that had let you know how you were just a nice mirror for her own old-patterned issues. Somehow that made you still flattered about the entire situation and becomes a trigger point to break the ice with saying how you have just uploaded a blog recently wherein the ‘being intimidated by flirtatious women’ point was opened up. She looks up at you and smiles back, she grabs her cup back and sips the black coffee inviting you to read the lines that she has just written out of the recent event with you, wherein a memory of a very similar event in her past popped up. It was written out through statements of self forgiveness that the woman read out loud in order to establish an uncanny vulnerability in the moment, which you still find yourself internally cringing about and becoming distrustful as you start wondering ‘why’ is she even sharing that with you, but you bring yourself back here to see how you should simply dare to do the same sometime. You find this woman attractive for her assertiveness and openness to share her ‘intimate world’ – yet realize that all fantasies that would usually ensue from here stop there, you have work to do, you can only continue seeking for some panties to follow as long as you don’t sort out your inner obsessive delusions about finding a sense of ‘fulfillment’ outside of yourself. You’ve got to let go of it all for now, and get back to the real world.

 

You decide to leave your blog link to her, letting her know that you’ll also be writing out the inner experience about the entire event and thank her for also being a cool mirror to reflect upon. She strikes a smile after going through an almost imperceptible refraction of unconditional expression – you know it’s tough to, for the first time, allow your teeth to show now that you know that the other can’t be judging you about it.

 

You grab your bag and leave the coffee shop not before saying to the cashier ‘Hey man, that was a cool shot and… breathe’ with a gesture in your face that shows real compassion, because you truly mean it.

 

Now you head up across the street to the 17th floor tower that you occupy right at the middle of, and as you go into the elevator you switch into your mind and go into a quick reflection on the events and how you would have experienced the entire sequence of events in the past. You remembered about how women were an absolute mystery that you could only fantasize daring to talk to. You could have simply been in a bad mood and yelled at the taxi driver for being ‘such a slow jackass’ while lighting up cigarette after cigarette and blamed the cashier for exposing having ‘emotional unsorted issues’ while making you wait for an extended period of time to make your regular triple espresso with one milk shot, then making you feel usually miserable for how subservient he would stare back at you when realizing it was not fair having such a bossy costumer early on in the day. You  remember the absolute stress you had while boiling the same old hatred toward the expectation of dealing with your boss that would usually end up spitting the ball of fire back at you.

 

All of that is gone. You breathe out of the memory and arrive to your office, you log onto your computer to catch up reading the blogs around the world and sharing yours. Somehow even if the world system is crumbling apart like a cookie on hot coffee, you see that people are truly creating a sense of neighborism around the globe that has been absolutely far more shocking and unexpected than any other utopian dream of your youth. You are still holding on to ‘the old you’ by one single thread that you are about to cut off if you are able to implement a new water system that will enable people from places like Haiti or Somalia to benefit from their coast lines, and provide potable water for all. Somehow your inner world of anxiety, despair, devious fantasies and absolute self-loathing stops for a moment as you realize that if it wasn’t for you being here, such system would not have been able to exist.

 

You sip your now cooled down coffee and as you unwrap the wooden mixer, you realize that the napkin had a note on it: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of letting you know that you have a bogey hanging from your left nostril. I’ll make sure I let you know next time – thanks for the advice. Pat.

 

You experience an immediate rush of blood to your face, then you breathe and eventually laugh out loud about it and realize the dimensional shift that went on in the cab while still backchatting about your fantasies and rushing to step out of the cab. The woman had seen it on your face the whole time, yet she didn’t seem perplexed or put off by it– it shocks you for a moment while actually considering how the usual embarrassment is not as prominent as it was before. That’s progress.

Anyways, back to work, you’ve got an entire machinery to place on the move in this world – your daydreaming can be put on hold. You remind yourself that for now, you cannot be following that which you like to be your driving force, but stick to what must be done in the name of a better world for all.

Somehow the cup seems to not be half empty anymore.

 

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Further context

The writing came up when creating a hypothetical moment in 7 years of having established Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty as a daily regular application for the majority of people in this world. Everyone being aware of the tools of Self-Support through writing themselves to freedom, and actually living and applying it in an open manner with each other. This means that the capitalist system was still in place, however a Basic Income Grant would have managed to get people out of the debt-loop as banks and corporations slowly but surely start adapting to a new system of income through redistributing it back to health care and educational systems.  Everyone would be aware of each one’s ‘points’ that are being walked in their individual processes so that no matter who you talk to or encounter yourself interacting with, they would be able to openly share and get feedback – or at least open communication – without any fear that your ‘secret mind’ could be exposed with strangers.

Human beings start becoming really compassionate to one another now that the ties that money would bound each other to hierarchical strains are being slowly but surely equalized to a best-for-all economic model.

A sci-fi story? No, a future in the making I’d say.

Check out

Desteni

Desteni Forum 

and the Equal Money System website to realize that we are in fact able to create a world wherein we reform the current system of debt and control that we have enslaved each other to in our reality.

 

Supportive reading:

Day 7: Letting Go of Regret

 


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