To me 2012 was a year of ‘The End’ and I was once an acrid believer that something would happen in 2012. I would get an energetic kick out of speaking about ‘the apocalypse,’ ‘the end of the world’ and all possible outcomes wherein I mostly wanted everything to be wiped out, it would make my life ‘exciting’ as in looking forward to the year we’ve just stepped in now.
I assume that this belief got to my ears through the Discovery Channel back in 1998 or around that time when I was interested in watching exorcisms, prophecies and all things occult that they would broadcast from time to time. The idea of ‘the end of the world’ and ‘alien abductions’ were topics that fascinated me and my father from a young age. We both wanted us to get abducted by aliens – yes as bizarre as that may sound – until I got to see a movie called ‘fire in the sky’ and then stopped desiring being alien abducted going to the opposite of ‘being scared of being alien abducted.’ Funny that I didn’t remember that and it just came up as I began writing.
The general ‘feeling’ of talking about aliens, the end of the world, Nostradamus, 2012, Earth’s cataclysms and the general madness in the world was that of excitement mixed with a sense of fear at the same time, along with a general sensation at a physical level like when you get chills, it was an overall energetic experience to point it out bluntly. If I could give a word to it would be ‘sublime’ wherein something that is supposed to be of great horror produces a sense of pleasure and fascination, mostly related to the pictures and aesthetics associated with it.
Now, I would have to go as far as seeing how living less than a 100 km away from a volcano that suddenly became quite active when I was 7 years old became part of this constant ‘watch’ of ‘something bad happening’ in the form of a natural disaster. I used to be the one linking all possible tragedies and events to a potential ‘end of the world,’ I became a clue-finder seeking in all religions and all prophecies all points that could match a general pattern that could confirm to me: the world is going to end in 2012.
2012 was of course then the reason why I came across Desteni while seeking lectures on YouTube explaining the Mayan Calendar by Ian Xel Lungold. This guy’s explanation seemed really accurate at the time in the overall understanding/ explanation of this calendar as the exact depiction of events and cycles that we’ve lived as humanity, which made absolute sense to me. I bought a book by Dr. Calleman called The Mayan Calendar and the Transformation of Consciousness – which I’ve recently given away – and after I read that book, I was eager to know ‘more’ about it all. So I ran a search and found Ian Xel Lungold from the Afterlife and the rest is history.
It all made sense to me right away, I became extremely excited and kept watching the material until I realized that 2012 had been a sick joke, a part of the program to keep humans entertained and realized that I had been duped just like everyone else. I mean, when I was in high school I would engage myself in long conversations about how we required to just give an end to the world, because that was the only solution I saw to the increasing problems we were facing in that moment –this was around 2004/ 2005.
Now,we know that there will be no end of the world per se – The only End I could promote now is the endless human disregard and carelessness toward this reality as ourselves, the end of the negligence toward each other, the end of being self-centered humans that have no fucking idea of how the world works, how we are currently keeping the system in place and how the reality that we ‘seek to attain’ within this current system is sickening the world to its highest capacity.
After all these years- and I mean a belief that probably remained dormant and as a secret ‘back door’ in my mind for over half of my life – I realized that I wanted it all to end because deep inside I would see no solution, nor did I ever see myself as the point that could be the solution itself. I actually went as far as making choices in life based on ‘the world ending in 2012’ – I’m walking the manifested consequences of all the deliberate decisions I made based on me literally thinking that by 2011-2012 the situation in the world would be so dire that I would not have any time/money left to study, I pictured myself living in the worst case scenario by 2012 wherein I could finally make use of my excuse to not direct myself effectively while claiming ‘The world was going to end anyways!’
Just to give some perspective on the lies that I read. According to Calleman, by November 2011 there would be no human being on Earth without having reached enlightenment.
However, this entire 2012 point became more than just ‘a year,’ it was a general view/ perspective creating an entire personality within me of seeing humanity as doom. Now this is not about now stopping seeing the reality as it is. It’s about stopping perceiving the reality through the eyes/perspective of a general ‘doom’ and gloomy view wherein the thoughts that would run through my head were only that of giving a ‘clean end’ to this world. I realize that I don’t have to be keeping this ‘view’ on the world all the time. I am aware of it yet don’t allow myself to participate within further energetic kicks and secret resorts of thinking that I want it all to just end for once and for all.
AA’s videos on her wanting to end this entire existence were of great support for me in the past because I realized that I had the same ‘secret desire’ for that, yet she proved herself how it is not possible to destroy it all hence we go into the reason and excuse of why it was easier to promote and think of ‘an end’ to this reality without taking responsibility for it.
Self victimization is just another way to not take self responsibility and actually do what is required to be done. It was much easier to just claim doom and not actually take the time and dedication to correct myself.
As I continue this after having recorded myself in this, I see that 2012 point and general view on the world is no different to a god belief on something/ someone wiping out the Earth all of a sudden, with everything and everyone just having an end for once and for all.
So, what I am doing here is directing myself to stop this personality which is one of those points that I’ve held on to as a point of self definition that entailed ‘hope’ as well, not hoping for things to ‘get better’ but hoping for a clean end to come out of nowhere for everyone. I mean, these thoughts of wanting to exterminate it all are quite old. I have an image of having these thoughts when I was in elementary school – around 5th grade – and how when discussing the rate of pollution and general problems in the world, I had this image of extermination of all humans in my head, I judged myself for having those thoughts because of seeing them as ‘evil.’ Ever since I kept it as a secret, a form of general ‘disgust’ toward myself and the rest of humanity for becoming the scavengers of this Earth. Once again, this is not to now claim ourselves to be little white doves, this is to end the energetic input I would place to this which would create general experiences of animosity and apathy toward human beings, another form of superiority wherein I apparently was the only one that ‘saw’ reality and our ‘true parasitic nature’ on this Earth.
Actually, part of this process has been moving from this general aversion toward humanity into making myself the proof that it is possible to change. This is not easy, it is a process – though I am certain that it is possible because we have examples already of that with many walking this process along. We’re not done yet of course and there’s a lot to be walked through as the manifested consequences of our general disregard toward life in this reality. However, this time it’s very clear how to proceed from now on in terms of not participating in this general personality of seeing it all as gloomy-doomy eventually becoming my own experience and contributing to the actual doom and gloom that many human beings are in fact experiencing every single day because of our general disregard. Once again, it’s easier to have a particular gloomy perspective toward the world instead of taking self responsibility for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add a positive charge to ‘end of the world’ ideas as that would mean that I would be – apparently – able to finally ‘rest’ and ‘forget about it all’ in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could ‘get away from this reality’ by dying and within this, believing that ‘it all would end which could only signify that I am not willing to walk an actual process of re-educating ourselves to live for the very first time as equals.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of death and destruction creating a general view/ perspective of reality wherein I would see ‘no way out’ of it other than exterminating humanity to ‘end it all’ for this world.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that within wanting to ‘end it all’ I would only be standing as a single perspective according to ‘how I see the world’ wherein acting and thinking from this starting point destroying it all, would be an actual selfish and self-centered perspective, without taking into consideration the whole as myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘wanting to end it all’ = wanting to end the creation that I thought I could not stand one and equal to, to create a point of self correction as myself within this reality, and instead resorting to quick fixes such as ‘ending it all’ because of believing and perceiving there was ‘no way out’ of it. I /we / all are creators of this reality and we take into consideration the fact that we must work together as equals toward a best for all outcome, instead of hiding and damning this reality by participating in thoughts that indicate an actual abdication of self responsibility.
I realize that the only way for us human beings to be acceptable within this world will be through a process of becoming Earthlings, living according to Earth’s rules and cycles, wherein we actually become the caretakers of nature, the animal kingdom and the entirety of the planet and every single part of it that is equally here, assisting and supporting the unconditional expressions that are here and that we’ve neglected for all this time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/ desire and wish for ‘an end’ to all of this as a form of not having to face myself, not having to actually live a life of actual work and dedication to create myself as the point of change I see we require to take on as ourselves to create a world that’s best for all. I see, realize and understand that ‘seeking the end’ is another quick fix to not have to actually face the consequences of our actions as human beings. I direct myself to be and become the change that I want to see in this world, not only for myself but for the rest of the beings that are equally here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this personality of seeing only ‘death and destruction’ as a form of sticking to a point of self-definition and entire personality wherein all things related to such points would be of my ‘fascination,’ which is another way to keep myself entertained and ‘fascinated’ with the experience/ energetic kick I’d get out of it, instead of actually investigating how I have contributed to the separation that is existent within this reality that is ourselves, our creation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this point of ‘doom and gloom’ by engaging and promoting ‘the end of the world’ wherein the secret desire was that of not having to actually walk a life of taking self responsibility, of having a job, having to walk the general lifestyle that a human being has – hence I actually feared facing this reality ‘as it is,’ and the quick way out of that was through ‘exterminating everyone’ including myself, which is an actual self-righteous and self-centered perspective that is not taking into consideration the actual consequences taken in the name of others as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with this general fascination with ‘the end of the world’ and create it as a ‘link’ toward my father because of him ‘liking these topics as well’ and making of it a justification of why I get these thoughts of death and destruction and have made them something ‘cool’ to talk about, because of how I used to use such topics to be able to relate to him.
I actually got to confirm this by striking a conversation with him and getting to see what’s the source of his general anger explosions over really insignificant things (e.g. “losing” the parking lot’s ticket and becoming extremely irritated about it) and the conversation got us to how he gets violent thoughts toward other human beings wherein in the past, if enough rage accumulated, he’d actually engage into verbal/physical fights –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my point of responsibility by exerting anger and rage toward the world and seeing ‘the world’ and the people in it as ‘the problem,’ instead of first looking at myself and realizing where I am not being self honest and taking responsibility for what I am participating in within my thoughts wherein the ultimate separation toward other human beings and the entire existence is generated to eventually be manifested as the reality that we’re living in.
We’ve accepted this ‘temperament’ as ‘hereditary’ and it was only yesterday that I saw how I would identify with such thoughts that he would sometimes externalize in a half-joking way. I always accepted them as part of my father’s personality, never seeing how such point existed within me as well. Hence all of this is here to understand how I have created myself according to my father’s thoughts in terms of death, extermination and so forth. It’s fascinating because you don’t get that impression of people holding these thoughts when interacting with them (him/ myself) yet such thoughts are actually existent within us, which is a general fucked up thing really as the invisible backchat that we hold every single moment that we are not breathing here, it is only now that I am here to stop them for once and for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create of this ‘death and destruction’ perspective of the world as another form of ‘hope’ and ‘belief’ for something just provoking the end of the world in one way or another, just so that I don’t have to actually walk through the manifested consequences of having separated myself from this reality and not taking responsibility of it/myself = self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever get a sense of comfort out of talking and voicing these thoughts with another and get validation in the form of ‘I think the same way,’ wherein I then accepted my thoughts on death and destruction as ‘valid’ within the context of not feeling ‘as evil’ now because ‘someone else is also experiencing it’ therefore it must be ‘okay’ to stick with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this particular personality as a way to keep ‘myself’ as an ego that solaces in thinking/ wishing for an end so that I don’t have to face myself in reality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have disgust toward myself as a human being and a general aversion toward humanity because of only seeing us as parasites sucking out the life out of this reality instead of looking at how we can become the points that support life and stand as pillars to restore that which we have destroyed and neglected throughout time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘secret desire’ to end this world, to give an end to my life and everyone’s life just because of not seeing a way out of this. Very interesting, I see how self-righteous this point is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in self-righteousness whenever I see and perceive that ‘there is no other way other than killing everyone’ and within this, taking a decision for myself and ‘everyone else’ without even taking a moment to consider the actual implication of this point in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this world and reality from the starting point and perspective of death and destruction wherein I saw no ability to create solutions because of allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the words, pictures and images that I’ve seen and participated in, without realizing that with me existing in such a constant and perpetual ‘point of view,’ I am actually co-creating and manifesting this reality the way that I am currently seeing it and perceiving it – therefore I stop because it is common sense to stop adding more misery and destructive thoughts to this reality.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within the very starting point of ‘how I see the world’ I am perpetuating this general view of death, destruction, helplessness and overwhelming experience of the world ‘as myself,’ without realizing that whatever I accept and allow myself to think and experience, I am in fact not stopping but continuing to participate in it as a form of keeping my mind/ thoughts/ personality intact and creating an excuse as to why it is ‘okay’ for me to continue existing in this particular world-view/ reality-perspective.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage into the perspective of death and destruction because of feeling like a ‘victim’ within this world, wherein I would see myself as a victim from the starting point of ‘not having ‘chosen’ to come to this world’ hence justifying my actions and perspectives as an outcome of me ‘not having chosen to be here.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create of the belief ‘I did not choose to come to this world’ a justification and validation to judge everyone in this world as ‘humanity’ as a form of spitefulness for believing and perceiving that I was only brought into this world without me wanting to be here – hence using t his point as a form of justification to rebel against my parents at some point and against the world that I thought ‘wasn’t meant for me.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use this perspective as a form of superiority wherein I was in fact only seeking to validate my excuses to not take self responsibility for this world just by the mere fact of being here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of helplessness when looking at the world wherein it became an easier aspect to ‘play out’ as an experience, instead of becoming the point of solution that I see is required in this world, instead of only focusing on the doom and gloom wherein the only ‘way out’ was a general wish/ desire for human extermination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the current reality of actual death and destruction that I judge, criticize and complain about without realizing that within my own experience as the general perspective toward myself and this world, I was re-creating that which I wanted to ‘stop’ – hence I stop seeking an ‘end’ outside of myself and become the end of such experiences myself, wherein I do not accept and allow myself to perpetuate such thoughts to use them as an excuse to ‘not stand up’ because it all being seemingly ‘futile.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only consider ‘my own view’ of this world as ‘real’ and accepting the blunt ways in which I see/ perceive it as ways in which I could justify my apparent inability to create and stand as the solution, instead of always having the same starting point wherein no matter how much I could see the common sense of a general situation, because of having this initial and ingrained starting point of ‘wanting to end it all,’ everything would be diminished to the level of ‘temporary highs’ that I would use to get myself ‘up’ for a moment, only to reach the bottom once that I would go back to seeing the world in the same way/ perspective of death and destruction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own veil toward this reality wherein I have stated ‘all I can see is death and destruction’ and within that, creating my entire experience accordingly, wherein I would go judging people in this world from a superiority point without daring to look at myself and how I am in fact part of the same points that stand in separation from each other the moment that we dare to remain as such self-judgment, disregarding that we are in fact doing this to ourselves within the realization that we are all part of this reality that is here as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to ‘get rid of something’ I am actually not standing one and equal to it to create a solution ‘within it’ and mingle myself as equal to such points to become the direction that is required to create a best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of ‘killing/ exterminating/ getting rid of’ as quick fixes to not have to actually walk the process of self-correction that is here and that I am being able to walk one and equal as everything and everyone else that is willing to stand as equals as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear facing the manifested consequences of this reality and within fear, wanting everything to just ‘disappear’ so that I don’t have to deal with the ‘ghosts’ of regret and guilt for not having done anything to stop this reality as myself, within myself.
The point that I explained in the video 2012 the world ends with you is exactly this point: if we don’t like what we see, we then become the point of change that we want to see in this world instead of being perpetually judging it and confining myself to a single perspective wherein it becomes quite ‘difficult’ to see ‘some light at the end of the road’ without realizing that I have only been placing myself deliberately to look only through that tunnel, instead of realizing I can simply stand aside and see the greater picture without having to seek for ‘a way out’ but instead see how I am able to integrate myself – mingle myself – as one and equal as everything that is here through practically correcting my perspective and view of this world to begin with.
And so, this is the process that I’m walking. This is the beginning of the end of my self created doomsday perspective of this world. If I see that this reality must stop, that this reality cannot continue as it is existing now, I become that point that stops within myself at the thought level. Instead I support myself to start seeing how to create solutions, how to correct myself, how to implement ways in this world wherein we can walk an actual process of self-creation in equality in every moment that I am able to breathe here, stop participation in doom and gloom and instead, use that to expose this reality along with the practical solutions to stop such events from manifesting, which is the process that begins with ourselves. I stop.
Suggest hearing AA’s video on this point which allowed me to ‘breakthrough’ this point
Too Lazy to Change
2012 The World Ends with You
Support yourself – learn how to walk this process to the utmost specificity here
Beginners – Thoughts, Writings and Self Forgiveness – Conscious, SubConscious and UnConscious Mind
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